THEOLOGY 2

UNIT 3 - LESSON 2:
PROXIMATE PREPARATION FOR
MARRIAGE

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Patrick and Connie met each other on Facebook and got along
well after more than a year of online courtship.
They decided to meet in person to see if the feelings that they
have developed virtually towards each other are indeed
authentic.
Connie was quite confident that Patrick possesses all the
qualities that she is looking for in a spouse.
On the other hand, Patrick was uncertain because he had
experienced many heartaches, so he could not trust what he is
feeling right now.
When the two finally met, they were nervous and became more
at ease with each other not long after. Their first real date was a
pleasant experience, and to cap the day, the two confirmed that
they are in a relationship.
The two continued dating for another year via social media and
in-person whenever their schedule allows it.
This time, their relationship was more profound, and their
conversations were little by little moving towards plans about
the future.
Connie couldn't be happier because the more she knows Patrick,
the more she realizes that Patrick is the man of her dreams.
Patrick, for his part, overcame his fears and is now ready to
commit.
And so, Patrick, trusting his heart would succeed this time
around with Connie, decided to propose. In the long and short
of it, Connie wholeheartedly and swiftly accepted Patrick's
proposal.
The two will exchange "I dos" after the lifting of the
community quarantine.
 In this day and age,
are dating, courtship, and
engagement still relevant?
Gary Chapman claims that most
couple separate because of lack
of preparation for marriage and
the failure to learn the skills of
working together as partners in
an intimate relationship.

Dating, courtship, and

engagement will “prepare your
marriage as though it were the
most important human
relationship you will ever have.”
In Western culture, marriage is typically
preceded by a period of dating. Dating is, in its
broadest sense, getting to know someone and
letting them get to know you so that you can
decide whether you are interested in spending
any more time together.
In the Philippine context, dating, courtship, and
engagement are also deemed as necessary
passages of marriage between the couples to
see and exercise due diligence the proper and
acceptable progression of love before
transcending it into a lifetime relationship.
 1. Dating
Chapman characterizes two
distinct types of dating – casual
dating and committed dating.
Casual dating is typically
Committed dating is
nonexclusive, that is, one
much more serious than
or both of the individuals
casual dating and is
may also have dating
normally perceived as an
relationships with other
exclusive relationship.
people
 SOCIALIZATION:

• To develop appropriate social

PURPOSES OF DATING skills to practice getting along
with others in different settings.

RECREATION:

• To have fun and enjoy the

companionship of others, and to
try new and different activities.

MATE SELECTION:

• To see others in many different

settings, to compare the
personality and characteristics of
many people.
 Stimulus Stage:

STAGES OF DATING • Attraction is physical, mental or

social.

Value Stage:

• Weigh each other’s values to see if

compatible. Usually determined
between 2-7 dates (best to breakup
here).

Role Stage:

• Analyze behaviors to determine

filling roles as lover, companion,
friend, worker, spouse and parent.
 1. Men want honest, timely, loving
communication.

What Do Men Want? 2. Men want self-sufficient, secure,

confident women.

3. Men want a manipulation-free

relationship.

4. Men want growth, personal

responsibility, and ownership.

5. Men want fidelity and a

commitment to the relationship.

6. Men want women who know how

Source: Coach Rinatta Paries, in “What Men Want in a Relationship” from "Chinese Women Today“
men need to be treated.”
[http://www.chinesewomentoday.com/relationships/menwant.big5.html]
 1. Confidence (or Power)
What Do Women Want?
2. Sense of humor (Fun)

3. Money or the things money can buy

(Security)

4. Looks (Protection and Attraction)

5. A little bit of mysterious qualities

6. All the other stuff they typically list

(varies - sensitive, caring, etc.)” Source: Scott Andrews, Founder of "Aspire Now" in “Smooth Sailing”
[http://www.aspirenow.com/smooth_03_01_what_women_want.htm]
Defective Dating
Dating leads to intimacy but not
necessarily to commitment

• Intimacy without commitment, like icing without

cake, can be sweet, but it ends up making us
sick.

Dating tends to skip the

"friendship" stage of a
relationship.

• Intimacy without commitment is defrauding.

Intimacy without friendship is superficial. A
relationship based only on physical attraction
and romantic feelings will last only as long as the
feelings last. 
 Defective Dating
Dating often mistakes a physical
relationship for love.
• Physical involvement can make two people feel
close. But if many people in dating relationships
really examined the focus of their relationships,
they’d probably discover that all they have in
common is lust.
Dating often isolates a couple from
other vital relationships.
• The exclusive attention so often expected in
dating relationships has a tendency to steal
people’s passion for serving in the church and to
isolate them from the friends who love them
most, family members who know them best, and,
sadly, even God, whose will is far more important
than any romantic interest.
Defective Dating

Dating, in many cases, distracts young

adults from their primary responsibility
of preparing for the future.

Dating can cause discontent with God's

gift of singleness.

Dating creates an artificial environment

for evaluating another person's
character.
2. COURTSHIP
 An act of seeking to gain love or
affection with a view toward
marriage. American Heritage
Dictionary

 A personal and mutual

commitment of two people
willing to investigate the
possibility of marriage, which
presupposes the possibility of an
actual mature love relationship
that will lead to engagement.”
Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo
the calendar date.

Courtship naturally
unfolds in three phases:

Exploration

Confirmation

Pledging
Exploration
Courtship is not for strangers.

Only after the couple develops a friendship

should courtship be considered.

To enter the exploration phase of courtship is

to acknowledge that marriage is a possibility
but not a promise.

The basic purpose of this phase is to allow

the couple to explore and discover their own
emotions beyond that of simple friendship.
Confirmation

• The couple face to face with the need to

reveal themselves and to be revealed. Yet at
the same time, another more powerful force
brings pressure to bear, to hide and foil the
process of personal discovery – personal
pride.
• During the process of confirmation, the
couple learns lessons of give and take,
overcoming frustrations, and handling
jealousies, insecurities, misunderstandings,
tenderness, and the exaltation of the other.
 Pledging
• The time when a new
community is created deep in
the soul.
• During this phase of emotional
maturation, the image of
marriage is exchanged for the
reality There is absolute
solidarity of thinking and
feelings toward each other.
WHAT DOES THE CHURCH SAY?
1. DATING

 “There is no one specifically Catholic understanding of

dating. Dating is not mentioned in the Bible or in the
Catechism of the Catholic Church. Neither the Church
Fathers nor recent popes have talked about dating.” Jason E.
King in his booklet entitled Dating: A Practical Catholic Guide
Four Basic Points to Keep in Mind
When Dating:

 Know Your Intentions

Dating is a time to learn more about
yourself through a relationship with others.
It is a time to see what qualities you need
and like in others. When not limiting
yourself to a certain type you will discover
new and valuable aspects of each person.
 Communication is an important factor in any relationship but
especially a dating one. One must be honest about one’s own
Stick to Your Boundaries intentions. All relationships need boundaries. A boundary for
a practicing Catholic is chastity, refraining from sexual
activity before marriage. Doing this helps build intimacy
within the relationship without having sex.
Have Fun
 Dating is fun if you enter into it with the
mentality of enjoying the present moment.
When you start to date someone, take the time
to get to know them. Rushing into a serious
relationship can add too much pressure. Just
enjoy the time you have with that person in the
present moment; tomorrow will take care of
itself. Some fun date ideas include museums,
art galleries, bowling, “malling”, movies,
dinner, and parks.
Trust in God while dating
In dating, we ask God to lead
us to the person who will
become our spouse.

We ask God that in dating

someone, we will have the
opportunity to know each other
more deeply. And that in the
process, we will be able to
develop a friendship that will
last.
B. COURTSHIP
• Courtship is an intentional and purposeful process
carried out with marriage as the ultimate goal.
• It assumes and requires age-readiness for marriage
while dating does not. Courtship presupposes the
possibility of an actual mature love relationship that
will lead to engagement hence a personal and
mutual commitment of two people willing to
investigate the possibility of marriage.
COURTSHIP
• Because the activity of
courtship is not a guarantee
of engagement or marriage
but a controlled step toward
it, it must have some
objective guides that will
allow either party to stop the
process or at least slow it
down.
 First, if the person has enough virtue as well as able to
Courtship practice moderation of one’s sexual desires towards the
stage is other.

where Second, if the person is able to sacrifices for the other by

showing self-denial and self-control in one’s sexual urges.
one
learns: Third, if the person will give the other the best chance, as
well as the future… if they are for marriage, forming a
family, to have children, of getting to heaven as family.
Lastly, if the person truly loves. Selfless love will be
evidenced by one’s ability for sacrifice and the self-denial
of one’s urges towards the other, by one’s respect for the
honor and the reputation, and also by one’s ability to do
the hard work of providing for the other.
Catholic courtship, thus, is the period
after spiritual, mental and financial
preparation has been completed. You
have to have it right with God, have it
right with yourself and have it right
with your finances, especially the
man, before you begin considering
courtship and marriage, if you want a
life-long, healthy, happy and fulfilling
marriage.
• At the end of a
successful courtship
is engagement.

• An engagement ring
is appropriate, along
with a public
announcement of the
intentions of the
couple to be married
in the future.
C. ENGAGEMENT 1. It is a time to begin serious
planning of their lives together.

• Such questions need to be asked as to job

Paul E. Cantrell or jobs for one or both in order to have
suggests similar sufficient to live on; where they will live;
good reasons and possibly even talk about long-time
and value of an future plans.
engagement • The question of whether to have children,
period: when to have children, and how they will
care for them.
2. It is a final testing time before the
couple is actually married.

• In order to really get to know the person, they

need to be in a relax situation with friends and
families so all can get better acquainted and
see how they fit in with each other's friends
and family.
• Remember, you are not only married the
person, but her friends and family goes along
with her too in most instances.
3. It is a time to more seriously
learn to get along with each
other.

• You need to talk about a lot of things.

• You need to know how you still feel
about the other person when you
disagree on some basic issues of life.
• It probably would help if you got in an
argument to see how you would deal
with strong disagreement.
4. It is a time to see one another more as
they really are.

• Usually in dating there is an effort to “put our best

foot forward” (Your best self!). You need to see your
potential marriage partner "behind the scene" (down
to earth – the real person).
• Many have married too quick before they really knew
the person and found out to their sorrow that they
had married the wrong person.
• Try to plan situations where the real person will come
out so that you can evaluate whether you want to live
with the person the rest of your life. This can be a real
important issue for the girl, because she is to be in a
submissive role in the home.
5. It is a time to get
better acquainted with
family and friends.

• Yes, it is great to be with that

person that you feel that you
love dearly, but you also need
to be around his or her friends
and family.
• Make plans where this will
happen often. Evaluate each
other's friends and family.
6. It is important to realize that
caution is necessary so as not to
cause shame or regret.

• During this period of time, conduct yourselves

well, do not take chances of being alone too
much or too often that allows strong
temptations.
• A mistake in judgment can be forgiven, but it will
require greater effort to regain the trust – not
only from your future mate, but from friends and
family also.
7. It is also a time, if one
or both realize it is a
mistake, it can be called
off.

• The engagement period is a

testing period! You are not
married!
• You should not act and conduct
your associations as though you
are married! If after sufficient
time elapses, one or both feel it is
a mistake – there is no shame in
calling off the wedding plans!
By adhering to the
above principles of
the proximate
preparation of
marriage, you can
look forward to
having a happy,
holy and faithful
marriage.
 “What God has joined… Mt. 19) (

It is Divine Providence
It is God who brought them together for a
purpose. To fulfill His Purpose”
- Bishop Robert Barron

“True Love Waits”

How can young people appreciate the Catholic Teaching on Human
Sexuality and live by it according to God’s loving will and plan?
How can you live by this Christian principle True Love Waits?
INDIVIDUAL ACTIVITIES
1. Do the marriage inventory activity. The file is uploaded in the same
folder as this PowerPoint. You may ask your parents to do the activity
with you, or they may do the activity themselves.

Take note of what you think about the activity, as I will call on random
people to share remarks about it.

2. Watch the film, Fireproof --- you may watch it together with your
family. The guide questions are on the next slide.
• “Fireproof”
 https://www.facebook.com/106321596373286/videos/229324984072946
1. Take note of the characters:
•Caleb & Catherine Holt
•John & Cheryl Holt
•Michael Simmons
•Dr. Gavin Keller
•Anna Stone
 
2. Take note of the important advice on Marriage/Married life shared by 3 of the main characters in the movie.
Who are the characters in the movie who gave Caleb a very good advice about his marriage? What was the advice
given to Catherine by a senior nurse in the cafeteria?
3. What was the root sin of Caleb that hurt Catherine the most? What did Caleb’s father call this root sin of Caleb
that steal away his loyalty and love for his wife?
4. How did Caleb treated his mom? What did his father reveal to Caleb that made Caleb run towards his mother
and apologized to her?
5. Why is the title of the movie “Fireproof”? Based on the title and the work of Caleb what was the message of
Caleb’s friend about marriage?