Malcolm
in
the
Middle

“The
Rat
Pack”
by
T.
Alex
Miller

T.
Alex
Miller
 2.

5916
N.
Las
Virgenes
Rd.,
#679
Calabasas,
CA
91302
818-880-8761
FADE
IN:

SATELLITE
IMAGE
OF
THE
EARTH
IN
SPACE

MALCOLM
(V.O.)
About
the
only
man-made
thing
you
can

see
from
space,
my
teacher
tells
us,
is

the
Great
Wall
of
China.
Look,
there
it

is.

CLOSE
UP
OF
GREAT
WALL
IN
SATELLITE
IMAGE

CUT
TO:

INT
MALCOLM’S
BEDROOM
-NIGHT

MALCOLM
(in
front
of
slide
projector)
Personally,
I
think
there
must
be
plenty

of
places
you
can
see
from
space.
The

home
improvement
center
my
dad
goes
to

whenever
his
testosterone
flares
up,
for

example.

SLIDE
OF
HOME
BASE-LIKE
STORE
SHOWING
HAL
LEAVING
WITH
TONS
OF

JUNK

MALCOLM
Look
at
that
place.
How
could
you
miss

it
even
from
100
miles
up?
And
here’s
my

mom’s
grocery
store
...

SLIDE
OF
GIANT
SUPER
WAL-MART
TYPE
PLACE

MALCOLM
I
swear
you
need
a
golf
cart
to
get

around
this
place.
Tell
my
little

brother
Dewey
we’re
going
there
and
he

reacts
like
he’s
being
taken
to
the
vet

to
be
put
down.

EXT.
MALCOLM’S
HOUSE
-DAY

Lois,
KEYS
IN
HAND
as
if
prepared
to
leave,
is
watching
Dewey

fleeing
down
the
block
screaming.

DEWEY
I
don’t
want
to
go
to
the
hot
sweaty

store!
I
don’t
want
to
go
to
the
hot

sweaty
store!

(CONTINUED)
 2.
CONTINUED:

LOIS
(exasperated)
Oh
Dewey!
Alright
then,
stay
with
dad.

Malcolm!
Reese!
Come
help
mom
at
the

store!

INT-HOUSE
ATTIC-SIMULTANEOUS

Reese
and
Malcolm,
both
sweating
profusely,
are
hiding
in
the

rafters.

INT-MALCOLM’S
BEDROOM-NIGHT

Back
to
the
SLIDE
SHOW

MALCOLM
(to
camera)
My
older
brother
Francis
says
you
can

see,
on
a
good
day,
our
mother’s
rage

from
space.


SLIDE
OF
LOIS
SCREAMING

MALCOLM
That’s
at
a
soccer
game,
and
none
of
us

were
even
playing.
(to
camera)
All
I
can
say
is
this:
If
I
ever
grow
to

be
a
man
without
severe
emotional

scarring,
it’ll
be
because
of
my
dad’s

heroically
passive
resistance
to
the

rule
of
our
mother.

SLIDE
OF
HAL
WITH
BAG
ON
HIS
HEAD
WITH
“WHO
ME?”
HAND
GESTURES

CUT
TO:

MAIN TITLES

ACT ONE

FADE
IN:

INT-MALCOLM’S
CLASSROOM

A
Krelboyne
is
concluding
a
report
on
Burma

(CONTINUED)
 3.
CONTINUED:

KRELBOYNE
...and
Burma
is
now
known
as
Myanmar.
In

addition
to
my
Powerpoint
presentation,

I
have
a
haiku
and
a
rap
song
I’ve

written
about
my
subject.
Which
would

you
prefer?

MALCOLM
(to
camera)
You’re
lucky.
The
last
kid
read
a

Petrachan
sonnet
about
termites.

CAROLINE
Oh,
don’t
worry
about
entertainment

Jeremy.
That
was
a
fine
report.
Take

your
seat.
Malcolm?

Malcolm
takes
Jeremy’s
place
in
front
of
the
class

MALCOLM
(reading)
Strip
malls,
big-box
retailers
and
chain

outlets:
The
raping
of
America’s
main

street.
Ahem.


Caroline
and
the
Krelboynes
LOOK
HORRIFIED
as
we

CUT
TO:

EXT-SCHOOLYARD-DAY

Reese
is
in
a
fierce
argument,
nose
to
nose,
with
an
ugly,
red-
headed
kid
with
a
redneck
look
about
him

REESE
...country
music
stinks,
the
Dukes
of

Hazzard
was
the
dumbest
show
ever,
and,

and
Honda
kicks
John
Deere’s
butt!

DUNCAN
Oh
yeah?

REESE
Yeah!

DUNCAN
(stepping
back)
Well,
blessed
be
the
peacemaker,
Reese.

Let’s
settle
this
like
men.

(CONTINUED)
 4.
CONTINUED:

REESE
You
mean
roll
around
on
the
ground
until

one
of
us
gets
a
bloody
nose
and
yells

“I’m
a
butt-knocker!?”

DUNCAN
Hell
no.
I
challenge
you
to
a
rat-
shooting
competition
this
Saturday
at

the
junkyard.

REESE
(deflated)
A
what?

CUT
TO:

INT-MALCOLM’S
BEDROOM-NIGHT

MALCOLM
A
what?

REESE
A
rat
shooting
competition.

MALCOLM
A
what?

REESE
Stop
saying
that.

MALCOLM
(to
camera)
I
don’t
think
Reese
knows
what
he’s

gotten
himself
into.
(to
Reese)
You
should’ve
settled
for
the
bloody

nose.

REESE
I
need
a
gun.

MALCOLM
(to
camera)
Somehow,
I
knew
it
would
come
to
this

some
day.
(to
Reese)
Are
you
nuts,
Reese?
You
know
how
mom

feels
about
guns.
Even
BB
guns.
Pop

guns.
It’s
not
even
worth
asking.

(CONTINUED)
 5.
CONTINUED:

REESE
What
about
dad?

Malcolm
shoots
him
a
“yeah,
right”
look

REESE
(CONT’D)
Well,
what
am
I
supposed
to
do?

MALCOLM
What
if
you
don’t
show
up?

REESE
Duncan
said
he’d
...
hold
on,
Stevie

wrote
it
down
for
me.
(consulting
paper
scrap)
“Hunt
me
down
to
the
ends
of
the
Earth

and
use
my
flayed
and
mutilated
carcass

as
a
floor
mat
in
his
dad’s
pickup.”

What’s
‘flayed?’

MALCOLM
You
don’t
want
to
know.
I
dunno
Reese.

It
really
sounds
like
something
we

should
maybe
sorta
kinda
talk
to
dad

about.

CUT
TO:

INT-GARAGE-NIGHT

Hal
is
trying
to
fix
a
weed
eater.
reese
and
malcolm
look
on.

HAL
Oh,
hi
boys.
Just
a
little
trouble
with

the
ol’
weedeater
here.
I
think
I’ve

about
got
it.

Hal
pulls
the
starter
cord
on
the
weedeater,
which
promptly

SHOOTS
OUT
A
10-FOOT
BLUE
FLAME,
INCINERATING
A
FAKE
PARROT

sitting
in
an
ornate
cage

HAL
(CONT’D)
Oh.
Damn.
That
was
your
mother’s,
wasn’t

it?

The
boys
nod
funereally

HAL
(CONT’D)
Oh,
well.
I’ve
been
meaning
to
hire
a

landscaper
anyway.

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 6.
CONTINUED:
HAL
(CONT’D)
Crab
grass
is
so
problematic.
What’s
up,

boys?
What
can
ol’
dad
help
you
with

tonight?

CUT
TO:

INT-GARAGE-MOMENTS
LATER

HAL
(V.O.)
(worried)
Oh
boy.
You
know
how
your
mom
feels

about
...
(very
quietly)
...
guns.

CUT
TO:

INT-LOIS
&
HAL’S
BEDROOM-SIMULTANEOUS

Lois
is
painfully
TWEEZING
HER
EYEBROWS

LOIS
(moving
hair
away
from
her
ear,

cocking
her
head
as
if
to

listen)

SFX:
BIONIC
EAR
SOUND
Did
someone
say
“guns?”

CUT
TO:

INT-GARAGE-NIGHT

HAL
On
the
other
hand,
I’m
sure
she
wouldn’t

want,
let
me
see
that
note
again
...
hoo-
boy
...all
this
to
happen
to
you
from

redneck
boy.
Hmmm
...
this
is
one
of

those
manly
decisions
we
men
have
to

make
on
occasion.

MALCOLM
(to
camera)
Moving
up
the
chain
of
command
...

HAL
We’d
better
see
mom
about
this.

CUT
TO:
 7.

INT-KITCHEN-MOMENTS
LATER

Hal
and
the
boys
enter
from
garage

HAL
Honey?

CUT
TO:

INT-LIVING
ROOM-SIMULTANEOUS

Lois
is
going
through
a
stack
of
magazines

LOIS
A-ha!
Here
it
is.

HAL
(O.S.)
Honey?

LOIS
Forget
about
it.

HAL
About
what?

LOIS
Getting
a
gun.

Malcolm
and
Reese
exchange
only
slightly
amazed
glances

HAL
(doing
his
best
manly

imitation)
But
we
are
American
men
...
that

amendment
in
the
constitution,
the
N-
Double-A-CP,
our
coon-hunting
forebears

...

LOIS
(shoving
a
TIME
at
him)
Look
at
these
statistics.
Look
how
many

people
were
killed
by
guns
in
this

country
last
year.

HAL
It’s
just
a
little
...
target
practice

to
save
Reese’s
honor...

(CONTINUED)
 8.
CONTINUED:

DEWEY
(V.O.)
(helpfully)
They’re
shooting
rats
in
the
junkyard

with
rednecks!

LOIS
Rednecks!
Rats!
Guns!
Junkyards!
Hal,

have
you
lost
your
mind
completely?
Why,

just
yesterday
Reese
was
in
diapers,

playing
with
blocks,
spitting
up
Cream

of
Wheat.

REESE
I’m
13
mom.

MALCOLM
If
he
were
Jewish
he’d
be
getting
bar

mitzvah’d.
If
he
were
a
Penan
indian,

he’d
be
going
through
the
painful
rite

of
manhood.
In
most
cultures,
boys
of
13

...

LOIS
Malcolm,
in
most
cultures
boys
of
13

also
know
how
to
feed
themselves,
manage

their
own
personal
hygiene
and
sleep

through
the
night
without
being
scared

by
the
Gunga
Devil.
You
think
Reese
is

ready
to
handle
artillery?

MALCOLM
(to
camera)
She
has
a
point.
Reese
still
sleeps
with

the
foam
turtle
he
took
baths
with
as
an

infant.

LOIS
Besides,
what
did
those
rats
ever
do
to

us?

CUT
TO:

INT-MALCOLM’S
BEDROOM-LATER

REESE
They’re
rats.
They
deserve
to
die.

MALCOLM
(helpfully)
They
spread
disease.

(CONTINUED)
 9.
CONTINUED:

REESE
They
look
nasty.

Hal
ENTERS

HAL
...and
they’re
always
biting
your

genitals
when
you’re
being
held
captive

by
the
Viet-Cong.

MALCOLM
(to
camera)
Uh-oh.
Whenever
dad
harkens
back
to
his

fictitious
days
in
‘Nam,
it
means
he’s

going
around
mom.

HAL
Hoo-boy!
The
stories
I
could
tell,
but

my
throat,
it’s
so
parched!
Dewey,
be
a

sport
and
go
grab
dad
a
can
of
soda
out

of
the
fridge.

DEWEY
(suspicious)
OK,
but
don’t
say
anything
cool
until
I

get
back.

HAL
Reese,
we
don’t
have
much
time
so
here’s

the
deal.
We’re
going
to
this
rat
shoot

on
Saturday,
but
we
can’t
let
mom
or

Dewey
know
about
it.

REESE
Why?

MALCOLM
Because
Dewey
will
blab
about
it
and

then
mom
will
have
to
kill
us.


HAL
It’s
not
pretty,
but
he’s
right.
We
need

to
devise
a
plan
to
get
you
a
gun,
a

little
pratice
and
an
alibi
for

Saturday.
No
woman’s
going
to
stop
me

from
showing
my
boys
this
important
rite

of
American
manhood.
Malcolm,
put
your

brain
in
gear
and
think
on
this.
I
have

to
go
rub
mom’s
feet.

Dewey
ENTERS

(CONTINUED)
 10.
CONTINUED:
(2)

DEWEY
All
I
could
find
was
this
string
cheese

stick.

HAL
(taking
it)
Thanks
Dewey,
thanks
a
lot.

Hal
EXITS

DEWEY
You
can’t
drink
string
cheese,
can
you?
(following
Hal
out)
Dad?
Don’t
try
to
drink
that
stuff.

You’ll
choke.

MALCOLM
This
is
big,
Reese.
Dad’s
in
way
over

his
head.

REESE
You’re
right.
We
need
help.

MALCOLM
Like
a
secret
weapon
or
something.

The
lightbulb
goes
on,
they
point
at
each
other

REESE
&
MALCOLM
Francis!

END OF ACT ONE

(CONTINUED)
 11.
CONTINUED:
(3)

ACT TWO

INT-MARLIN
ACADEMY-DAY

Francis
is
on
the
hallway
pay
phone
talking
to
Malcolm

FRANCIS
Wow.
This
is
a
very
delicate
situation.

You’ve
got
issues
of
marital

faithfulness
and
honesty
going
head
to

head
with
the
ancient
needs
of
men
to

destroy
things
to
prove
their
manhood.

MALCOLM
I
know.
But
I
don’t
think
dad’s
dad
ever

did
this
with
him.

FRANCIS
So
you
need
guns,
eh?
Let
me
check
with

an
expert
and
get
back
to
you.
In
the

meantime,you
made
the
right
decision

keeping
Dewey
in
the
dark.
Keep
it
that

way.

CUT
TO:

INT-SPANGLER’S
OFFICE-LATER

SPANGLER
Well,
my
motto
has
always
been
“bigger

is
better.”
You
want
to
get
the
job

done,
go
for
maximum
firepower.I
suppose

they’d
frown
on
bazookas,
but
there
are

ways
around
that
...

CUT
TO:

INT-SPORTING
GOODS
STORE-DAY

Hal,
Malcolm
and
Reese
are
checking
out
guns.
with
some
hard-
driving
hillbilly
rock,
we
see
a
montage
of
...

-Hal
trying
on
a
fluorescent
orange
hat

-Reese
with
holsters
strapped
on
playing
quick-draw
with
pistols

-Malcolm
struggling
to
hold
an
enormous
rifle
up
to
his
shoulder

-Hal
going
over
the
Slim
Jim
and
jerky
selection

(CONTINUED)
 12.
CONTINUED:

-storeowner
showing
them
secret
cabinet
with
hand
grenades,

machine
guns,
etc.
Hal
nodding
“no”

CUT
TO:

INT-LUCKY
AIDE
PHARMACY-CRAIG’S
OFFICE-DAY

CRAIG
has
a
TINY
PISTOL,
which
he
is
practicing
with
in
the

mirror.
LOIS
ENTERS
suddenly,
causing
Craig
to
DISCHARGE
THE

PISTOL,
which
takes
out
the
mirror.

CRAIG
Lois!
For
god’s
sakes
don’t
walk
in
on

me
like
that!

LOIS
Craig,
what
the
hell
are
you
doing?
Is

that
a
real
gun?
Put
it
down!

But
the
gun
is
stuck
on
his
fat
fingers.
He
struggles
to
get
it

off
and
fails.
It
fires
again,
taking
out
the
light
and
plunging

them
into
darkness.

LOIS
(CONT’D)
(screams)
Craig!
I
swear
if
you
kill
me
I’ll
kill

you!
I’ve
got
kids
to
raise
and
a

husband
who
needs
me
to
shave
his
back.

Put
the
damn
gun
down
and
find
a
light.

CRAIG
Lois?
Lois
I
can’t
see
you.

LOIS
I’m
right
here
Craig,
about
to
stab
you

in
the
heart
with
a
letter
opener.

CRAIG
Lois,
now
relax
Lois.
I’ve
put
the
gun

down
...

LOIS
Good.

CRAIG
But
it’s
still
stuck
to
my
finger.
I

can’t
get
it
off.

LOIS
That’s
not
so
good.
We
need
some
butter,

some
kind
of
lubricant.

(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
 13.
CONTINUED:
LOIS
(CONT'D)
I
can’t
see
you,
dammit.
I
can
smell
you

though.
What
the
hell
cologne
is
that

you’re
wearing?
It’s
making
my
eyes

water.

CRAIG
Lois,
even
though
you’re
really
angry

with
me
right
now,
I
want
you
to
know

that,
that
...

LOIS
Craig,
if
you
say
anything
about
how

you’ve
fantasized
about
being
alone
in

the
dark
with
me,
so
help
me
I’ll

suffocate
you
with
an
adult
diaper.
Was

that
what
you
were
going
to
say?

CRAIG
(after
a
silence)
No.
I
was
just
going
to
say
that
um,

that
I
want
you
to
get
a
gun
too.

LOIS
What?!

CRAIG
For
security.
There
have
been
robberies.

LOIS
Craig,
you
know
my
procedure
when
we
get

robbed.
We
hand
over
the
money
and
fill

out
insurance
forms.
If
you
think
I’m

going
to
turn
into
Calamity
Jane
to

defend
the
Lucky
Aide,
you’re
dumber

than
I
thought.
(beat)
Craig?
Craig
where
are
you.
Craig
you’d

better
...

CUT
TO:

EXT-SPORTING
GOODS
STORE-DAY

Craig
furtively
enters
wearing
an
OVEN
MITT
over
one
hand

CUT
TO:
 14.

INT-SPORTING
GOODS
STORE-MOMENTS
LATER

In
the
back
room,
one
of
the
guys
is
finishing
CUTTING
THE

TRIGGER
GUARD
OFF
Craig’s
gun
with
a
hacksaw.
Plenty
of
GOOD
OL’

BOYS
are
standing
around,
enjoying
this
immensely.

GUN
SHOP
GUY
Well,
that
oughta
do
it.
I
suggest
we

move
you
into
a
more
manly
size
gun,

though,
mister.
Told
you
this
little

peashooter
weren’t
no
good
for
a
boy

your
size.

CRAIG
Sure,
sure.
I’d
just
like
to
go
test
a

few
out
back.

GUN
SHOP
GUY
OK.
It’s
a
little
busy
today,
what
with

the
rat
shoot
tournament
coming
up

tomorrow.

CUT
TO:

EXT-SPORTING
GOODS
STORE-OUT
BACK-DAY

Hal,
Malcolm
and
Reese
are
BLAZING
AWAY
at
targets,
and
not

doing
very
well.

Craig
joins
them
with
an
ENORMOUS
HANDGUN

HAL
Oh,
hi
Craig.
Nice,
er,
cannon
you’ve

got
there.

CRAIG
Thanks
Hal.
What
are
you
guys
getting

ready
for,
an
invasion?

HAL
Ha
ha.
Yeah,
kinda.

CRAIG
I
sure
wouldn’t
want
Lois
to
know
about

all
this.
She,
uh,
she
doesn’t
like
guns

very
much,
you
know.

HAL,
MALCOLM,
REESE
Yeah,
we
know!

(CONTINUED)
 15.
CONTINUED:

CRAIG
So,
you
guys
getting
ready
for
the
ol’

rat
shoot
tomorrow?
Can’t
wait
for
that

one
myself.
Mind
if
I
squeeze
off
a

couple?

He
shoots
his
gun,
which
KNOCKS
HIM
ON
HIS
BUTT.
The
boys
try
to

help
him
up
but
fail.
They
let
him
do
it
himself.
They
watch,

amazed,
as
he
rolls
around,
trying
to
find
the
right
angle
from

which
he
can
rise.
Finally,
he
gives
up
and
leans
back.

CRAIG
(CONT’D)
You
know,
I
think
I’ll
just
rest
here
a

moment.

MALCOLM
You’re
going
to
the
rat
shoot?

CRAIG
Uh,
sure.
Wouldn’t
miss
it.

HAL
Listen,
Craig,
you
cannot,
under
any

circumstances,
mention
this
to
Lois.

CRAIG
Oh,
no,
of
course
not,
Hal.
Never.

We
see
something
FORM
IN
CRAIG’S
BEADY
EYES
as
the
boys
exchange

WORRIED
GLANCES
and
we
cut
to
...

INT-MARLIN
ACADEMY-DAY

Francis
is
on
the
phone
with
the
boys

FRANCIS
That’s
a
major
breach
of
security,

having
Craig
in
on
it.
You
blew
it.

MALCOLM
But
...

FRANCIS
Enough!
You
must
listen,
and
listen

closely.
First,
you
must
contain
the

Craig
situation.
To
do
that,
you
must

exploit
his
greatest
weakness.


MALCOLM
Which
is
...?

(CONTINUED)
 16.
CONTINUED:

FRANCIS
He
has
a
crush
on
mom,
in
case
you

hadn’t
noticed.

MALCOLM
Really?
Blech!

REESE
Really?
Disgusting!

FRANCIS
Whatever.
Who
are
we
to
explain
the

passions
of
men?

MALCOLM
So
what
do
we
do?

FRANCIS
One
word:
Blackmail.
Let
me
tell
you
how

to
set
it
up
...

CUT
TO:

INT-HAL
&
LOIS’
BEDROOM-NIGHT

Hal
is
furtively
READING
a
guns
&
ammo
magazine
when
Lois

finishes
in
the
bathroom
and
enters.
He
quickly
STUFFS
THE

MAGAZINE
UNDER
THE
PILLOW.
We
see
Lois
is
in
the
midst
of

coloring
her
hair
and
is
wearing
a
DYE-STAINED
T-SHIRT
AND
RATTY

SWEATS.
She
does
not
look
good
to
us,
but
hal
has
other
ideas.

HAL
My
god!

LOIS
What?!
Did
I
miss
a
spot?

HAL
You
...
sexy
sexy
...
come
hither.

Mmmm...that
T-shirt!

LOIS
(mildly
touched)
Hal,
unless
you
want
me
to
stain
your

chest
hair
chestnut
brown,
I
think
you’d

better
wait
until
I
rinse.

Hal
WHIMPERS

(CONTINUED)
 17.
CONTINUED:

LOIS
(CONT’D)
Besides,
I’m
still
angry
at
you
for

talking
to
the
boys
about
guns.
Next

thing
you
know
you’ll
have
them
smoking

cigars
and
eating
beef
jerky
for

breakfast.

CUT
TO:

INT-GARAGE-NIGHT-FLASHBACK

Hal
is
handing
CHEAP
CIGARS
out
to
Malcolm
and
Reese.

HAL
Now
wait
until
we’re
at
the
dump
before

you
light
these.
My
god
if
your
mother

knew
about
this
...

REESE
I’ve
got
the
beef
jerky
...

MALCOLM
Breakfast
of
champions...

CUT
TO:

INT-HAL
&
LOIS’
BEDROOM-NIGHT

HAL
Uh,
no
honey.
Whew,
that’s
disgusting!

LOIS
(returning
to
bathroom)
Keep
it
that
way
Hal.
Or
we’ll
start

having
that
vasectomy
conversation

again.

A
LOOK
OF
TERROR
crosses
hal’s
face.
He
GETS
OUT
THE
MAGAZINE

and
spins
circles
looking
for
a
place
to
hide
it.
He
finally

shoves
it
under
a
bureau.
he
then
starts
spinning,
gripping
his

head,
tearing
his
hair
as
he
struggles
with
what
to
do.
Finally,

he
bolts
from
the
room.

CUT
TO:

INT-MALCOLM’S
ROOM-SIMULTANEOUS

Hal
enters
frenzied,
looks
around.

HAL
Where’s
Dewey?

(CONTINUED)
 18.
CONTINUED:

MALCOLM
In
the
bathroom
trying
to
get
gum
out
of

his
hair.

HAL
Good.
Quick,
hand
over
the
beef
jerky

and
cigars.

Reese
and
Malcolm
GROAN

HAL
(CONT’D)
None
of
that!
It’s
just,
we
can
maybe

pull
off
the
gun
thing,
but
not
the

whole
shooting
match
with
the
cigars
and

jerky.
It’s
too
much,
it’s
too
much.

Holding
his
head
in
his
hands
again,
Hal
starts
SPINNING
IN

ANGUISH
while
the
boys
look
on
horrified.
When
Hal
starts

bumping
into
the
walls
like
a
moth
in
a
lightshade,
they

hurriedly
gather
up
the
cigars
and
jerky
and
hand
them
over.

Dewey
enters,
so
Hal
stuffs
the
booty
down
his
pants,
failing
to

notice
the
enormous
PATCH
OF
HAIR
missing
from
the
side
of

Dewey’s
head.

DEWEY
Dad?
Can
Spiderman
beat
Aquaman?
(off
Hal’s
anguished
look)
Never
mind.

HAL
Goodnight
boys

Hal
exits
and
encounters
Lois
in
the
hallway,
who
has
added
a

MUD
MASK
to
her
dying
hair
and
looks
quite
a
fright.
A

frightened
Hal
FALLS
DOWN
THE
STAIRS.
We
see
the
boys’
LOOKS
OF

ALARM
as
we
go
to

END OF ACT TWO

(CONTINUED)
 19.
CONTINUED:
(2)

ACT THREE

Lois
and
the
boys
are
gathered
around
Hal,
sprawled
at
the

bottom
of
the
stairs.
Dazed
but
unhurt,
Hal
is
babbling

something
about
a
confession
when
Lois
sees
the
CIGARS
AND
JERKY

SPILLING
OUT
OF
HIS
PANTS.

LOIS
What’s
this?!
What
IS
THIS?!
What
else

is
in
there
Hal?

She
starts
rifling
through
his
pants,
unzipping
him.
still

dazed,
hal
is
more
focused
on
this
unexpected
pleasure
than
the

trouble
he’s
in.

HAL
Boys,
you’d
better
go
to
your
room.

Mom’s
getting
frisky.

This
is
too
good;
the
boys
are
going
nowhere.

LOIS

I
am
NOT
getting
frisky,
Hal!
But
I
have

a
keen
nose,
and
my
keen
nose
tells
me

that
cigars
and
beef
jerky
hidden
in
my

husband’s
pants
can
mean
only
one
thing

...

SPANGLER
A
fully
realized
and
vibrant
man
of
our

age
who
wants
the
best
for
his
sons.

All
eyes
are
toward
THE
FRONT
DOOR,
where
we
see
Francis
and

Spangler.

LOIS
What
the
...?
Francis,
what
are
you

doing
home?
And
Commandant
Spangler
...

SPANGLER
When
I
heard
about
the
big
rat
shoot

from
Francis
here,
I
couldn’t
keep
away.

LOIS
The
rat
shoot?!
But
I
thought
I
said
...

Lois
turns
around
to
confront
Hal
and
the
boys,
but
they
have

swiftly
and
silently
DISAPPEARED.

(CONTINUED)
 20.
CONTINUED:
(3)

SPANGLER
That
was
amazing.
It’s
like
they
entered

another
dimension
or
something.
Be

useful
in
war.

INT-HOUSE
ATTIC-SIMULTANEOUS

Hal
has
joined
the
boys
in
the
RAFTERS.
They
are
all
PANTING
and

SWEATING.

MALCOLM
(to
camera)
Hell
hath
no
wrath
like
mom
deceived.
We

could
only
hope
that,
somehow,
Francis

could
smooth
it
over
before
we
sweated

to
death
in
the
attic.

DEWEY
There’s
a
bat
on
my
butt!
There’s
a
batt

on
my
butt!

MALCOLM
(to
camera)
Or
all
died
of
rabies.

INT-HOUSE
FOYER-SIMULTANEOUS

FRANCIS
Mom,
we
came
here
tonight
because

there’s
something
very
important
at

stake.
Something
bigger
than
your
need

to
always
be
right
and
have
your
way.

LOIS
What
do
you
mean?
I
don’t
always
have
to

be
right
or
have
my
way!

We
hear
HOOTS
OF
LAUGHTER
from
above.
Lois
and
Francis
look
up.

LOIS
(CONT’D)
What
the
hell
...?

SPANGLER
(putting
his
arm
on
her

shoulder)
Francis,
go
get
me
a
protein
drink
of

some
sort.
Your
mother
and
I
need
to

speak
in
private
for
a
moment.

(CONTINUED)
 21.
CONTINUED:

LOIS
(off
Spangler’s
hook
on
her

neck)
Oh,
no,
really,
it’s
OK.
Stay,
Francis.

SPANGLER
Go,
Francis.

LOIS
Listen
to
your
mother
Francis.

SPANGLER
Listen
to
your
commanding
officer

Francis.

CLOSE
ON
Francis’
anguished
face,
then


JUMP
CUT
TO:

INT-HOUSE
ATTIC-SIMULTANEOUS

We
see
Francis,
now
PANTING
and
SWEATING,
has
joined
the
rest
in

the
rafters.

CUT
TO:

INT-LIVING
ROOM-SIMULTANEOUS

Spangler
and
a
very
uncomfortable
looking
Lois
are
sitting
on

the
couch.
We
enter
mid-conversation

SPANGLER
...so
when
the
writers
of
the

constitutional
amendments
thought
about

the
right
to
bear
arms
...

DISSOLVE
TO:

INT-LIVING
ROOM-MOMENTS
LATER

Spangler
still
talking,
Lois
looking
a
little
CALMER

SPANGLER
...in
Canada,
where
guns
are
very
hard

to
get,
many
men
are
effeminate,
even

gay.
Rugged
land,
not-so-rugged
guys.

DISSOLVE
TO:
 22.

INT-LIVING
ROOM-MOMENTS
LATER

Spangler
still
talking,
Lois
looking
PRETTY
INTERESTED.
We
see

she’s
idly
playing
with
SPANGLER’S
HOOK.

SPANGLER
...and
when
I
first
felt
that
cold
steel

in
my
hand,
then
felt
the
power
of
the

gun’s
kick,
I
knew
I’d
become
a
man.

Shortly
after,
I
became
a
man
in
another

way
...

LOIS
(standing
abruptly)
Ok,
I’ve
heard
enough.
They
can
go
to

the
damn
rat
shoot.

Sounds
of
HOOTING
and
CHEERING
from
above

LOIS
(CONT’D)
But
I’m
going
too.

The
HOOTING
STOPS

CUT
TO:

INT-LIVING
ROOM-MOMENTS
LATER

Hal
and
the
boys
are
LINED
UP
as
if
in
a
military
drill.
They

are
still
SWEATING
PROFUSELY
from
being
up
in
the
rafters.
Lois

and
Spangler
are
PACING
in
front
of
them.

LOIS
I
don’t
understand
this
any
more
than

you
understand
my
need
for
window

treatments
and
potpourri,
but
I’ll
allow

it
if
no
one
gets
hurt.

SPANGLER
Remember
men,
never
put
a
loaded
gun
up

to
someone’s
head
as
a
joke.

LOIS
Hal,
if
anyone
gets
shot,
I
will
kill

you.

SPANGLER
Remember,
don’t
pull
the
trigger.

Squeeze
it,
like
your
lover’s
nipple.

(CONTINUED)
 23.
CONTINUED:

They
all
look
at
him
with
AMAZED
DISGUST
as
we

CUT
TO:

EXT-JUNKYARD-DAY

Hal,
Lois,
Spangler,
Francis,
Malcolm,
Reese
and
Dewey
are

caught
in
a
SLO-MO
HIGH
PLAINS
DRIFTER
SHOT
as
they
approach
the

junkyard.
They
are
HEAVILY
ARMED
and
wear
looks
of
grim

determination
on
their
faces.
After
they
pass,
we
see
Craig

appear,
decked
out
in
some
kind
of
MATRIX
OUTFIT.
He
has
several

large
guns
strapped
to
his
body,
rad
shades,
boots,
the
works.

He
looks
like
an
idiot.

LOIS
(turning,
off
Craig)
Oh
...
my
...
god!

Everyone
turns
to
see
the
amazing
spectacle
of
Craig,
who
has

effected
his
best
Clint
Eastwood
poker
face.
They
stand
in
a

line,
Craig
stops
yards
away
from
them.
Silence,
only
the
wind.

A
lone
TRASH
BAG
tumbles
past.
It
looks
like
a
showdown.
The

camera
plays
across
all
the
faces,
all
the
eyes.
Suddenly,
a

small
TRAIL
BIKE
SCREAMS
UP
AND
SKIDS
TO
A
HALT
between
them.

The
helmet
comes
off.
It
is
Duncan.

DUNCAN
Hey
Reese!


We
see
Duncan’s
LIPS
MOVING,
but
because
he’s
REVVING
HIS

ENGINE,
we
can’t
hear
a
thing.
He
takes
off
again.

REESE
Did
anyone
catch
any
of
that?

MALCOLM
I
think
he
was
saying
something
about

your
flayed
and
mutilated
carcass.
(to
camera)
Something
about
all
this
is
making
me

long
for
the
safety
of
our
couch.

EXT-JUNKYARD
SHOOTING
AREA-DAY

A
lean,
mean-looking
guy
in
a
John
Deere
cap
(DUNCAN’S
DAD),
is

addressing
the
crowd
of
heavily
armed
people.

DUNCAN’S
DAD
Remember,
whoever
gets
the
most
rats
is

the
winner.

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 24.
CONTINUED:
DUNCAN’S
DAD
(CONT'D)
If
you
hit
one,
sing
out
and
our
spotter

with
the
binoculars
will
confirm
the

kill.If
anyone
gets
hit,
jab
a
smoke

into
the
wound
ta
cauterize
it.

Hopefully
that
won’t
be
necessary.

MALCOLM
Hopefully?

HAL
Um,
s’cuse
me?

DUNCAN’S
DAD
Yeah?

HAL
How
long
do
we
have?

Amid
general
SNICKERING
at
his
ignorance
from
the
crowd

DUNCAN’S
DAD
Why,
until
Free
Bird’s
over,
of
course!

OK,
marksmen
...
(glaring
at
LOIS)
...
and
women,
load
your
guns
and
get
in

position.

To
the
opening
strains
of
LYNYRD
SKYNYRD’S
FREE
BIRD
(live),
we

see
them
taking
positions
with
their
guns.

MONTAGE:
shot
in
OCCASIONAL
slo-mo,
melodramatic
war-film
style,

WITH
FREE
BIRD
GUITAR
PARTS
BLARING

LOIS:
GETTING
KNOCKED
OVER
as
she
discharges
gun

HAL:
following
suit

REESE:
GRIMLY
AIMING
as
Duncan
BUMPS
HIS
ARM,
causing
him
to
HIT

A
LOW-FLYING
SEAGULL,
which
LANDS
ON
Craig,
causing
him
to

DISCHARGE
HIS
GUN
in
the
air,
which
in
turn
TAKES
OUT
A
FLOCK
OF

BIRDS,
which
RAIN
DOWN
upon
them.

DUNCAN:
Expertly
PICKING
OFF
RATS
(which
we
don’t
see;
we
only

see
the
spotter
calling
out
“kills”
for
him)

SPANGLER:
also
picking
off
rats
with
high
precision
as
Francis

hands
him
ammo

*Note:
we
never
actually
see
any
rats

(CONTINUED)
 25.
CONTINUED:
(2)

Finally,
we
hear
the
interminable
ENDING
STRAINS
of
Free
Bird

and
see
the
carnage:
Hal
and
Lois
MAKING
OUT
IN
THE
DIRT
behind

a
wrecked
car;
Reese
IN
TEARS,
Dewey
having
HIS
FACE
JAMMED
IN

THE
MUD
by
some
redneck
kids,
and
Craig,
covered
in
BIRD
CRAP,

sPINNING
LANGUID
CIRCLES
among
some
trashed
refrigerators,

DISCHARING
HIS
GUN
into
the
ground
while
LAUGHING
MANIACALLY

MALCOLM
(V.O.)
(to
camera)
My
god
...
where
do
you
start?

CUT
TO:

EXT-JUNKYARD-DAY

AN
IMPROMPTU
AWARDS
CEREMONY

DUNCAN’S
DAD
WITH
BULLHORN
IN
THE
BACK
OF
A
PICKUP


DUNCAN’S
DAD
Our
top
prize
for
adults
goes
to
...

Commandant
Spangler!

Spangler,
smoking
a
cigar,
walks
up
to
receive
his
prize
--
a

MOUNTED
RAT
on
a
plaque

DUNCAN’S
DAD
(CONT’D)
And
I’m
happy
to
announce,
the
top
prize

for
youth
shootist
goes
to
...
my
son,

Duncan!

As
Duncan
walks
up,
his
dad
continues

DUNCAN’S
DAD
(CONT’D)
Some
of
you
may
know
that
Duncan’s

appearance
today
was
to
claim
a
point
of

honor
against
yuppie
infidel
offspring.

LOIS
Yuppie
infidels?
We’re
yuppie
infidels?

HAL
I
thought
you
at
least
needed
a
savings

account
to
be
classified
as
a
yuppy.

DUNCAN’S
DAD
...and
now
that
Duncan
has
vanquished

his
foe,
said
foe
must
be
his
slave
for

six
weeks!

(CONTINUED)
 26.
CONTINUED:

REESE
What?!
I
never
agreed
to
that!

LOIS
Yeah,
what
the
hell
are
you
talking

about?!

DUNCAN
That’s
what
your
weird
uncle
agreed
to

when
my
dad
didn’t
want
to
let
him
in

the
tournament.

LOIS
Weird
uncle?
Reese
doesn’t
have
a
weird

uncle!

HAL
Not
here,
at
least,
not
today

DUNCAN’S
DAD
That’s
right.
that
man
...
(Gesturing
to
the
still

delirious
CRAIG,
now
hunkered

inside
a
doorless

refrigerator)
promised
Reese
as
Duncan’s
slave
if
we

let
him
shoot
today,
and
if
Duncan
won.

LOIS
Craig!

Lois,
fists
clenched,
STARTS
TO
HEAD
TOWARD
CRAIG,
who
suddenly

SNAPS
OUT
OF
IT
and
flees,
disappearing
behind
an
old
mattress.

REESE
Dad,
I
never
even
saw
any
rats.

HAL
You
know,
I
was
going
to
bring
that
up.

MALCOLM
They’re
virtual
rats
dad.
They
told
me

while
you
were
shooting.
There
ARE
not

rats
here,
they
all
got
shot
back
in
the

50s,
so
they
have
to
sorta
...
pretend.

HAL
Oh,
OK.

(CONTINUED)
 27.
CONTINUED:
(2)

LOIS
No,
NOT
OK!
That’s
ridiculous!
Where
is

that
lunatic
running
this
thing?

She
storms
off
as
we


CUT
TO:

SHOT:
IMAGE
OF
THE
EARTH
IN
SPACE

Malcolm
with
pointer,
in
his
room.
We
see
slides
of
what
he’s

describing
intercut
with
his
“lesson”

MALCOLM
I
wish
you
could’ve
seen
it.
Mom’s
anger

at
Duncan’s
father
over
the
virtual
rat

thing
was
visible
from
space
for
several

hours
in
the
Western
Hemisphere.
She
got

him
to
relinquish
slave
duty
for
Reese,

then
she
tracked
down
Craig,
hiding
in

an
old
Pinto,
and
made
him
surrender
his

weapons
AND
take
off
his
stupid
Matrix

outfit.
A
questionable
decision
I
have

to
say.

CUT
TO:

INT-MALCOLM’S
ROOM-LATER

REESE
Well,
all’s
well
that
ends
well,
I

guess.
I
didn’t
get
beat
up
AND
I
don’t

have
to
be
a
slave.

MALCOLM
And
we
still
have
that
little
blackmail

item
to
hang
onto
for
Craig
some
day.

DEWEY
What’s
blackmail?

MALCOLM
Watch
...
and
learn.

CUT
TO:

INT-KITCHEN-MOMENTS
LATER

REESE
Dad,
can
you
take
us
to
Bubba
Burger
for

lunch?

(CONTINUED)
 28.
CONTINUED:

HAL
What?
No.
am-scray.

Malcolm
whips
out
a
PHOTO
of
the
blackened
bird
Hal
destroyed

with
the
weedeater.

MALCOLM
We
have
copies.

REESE
The
negatives
are
carefully
hidden.

CUT
TO:

INT-BUBBA
BURGER-DAY

The
boys
happily
munch
burgers

HAL
How
long
again
until
you’re
all
18
and

gone?

END OF SHOW