How To: Pick up the Soap

That’s right; you’ve successfully landed yourself in the slammer. Who knows what
you’ve done to get there, in truth it doesn’t matter. You have ten years, maybe
fifteen or it’s possible you are just there for a month or two, but nonetheless
you will eventually need to shower. You’ve been dreading it hours, and the guards
are starting to make their way down the cells to yours. A large black man walks by
just as the guard opens your door and the convict gives you a heart-wrenching
wink.

The blue-clad guard tosses a stained towel in your face and you shudder from the
look of “Fresh Meat” you just received. The hall is much too short, you barely
have time to prepare yourself and then you are shoved into the cold shower area.
Other hardened criminals are already in the very <b>open</b> area and they all
seem to be giving you the “eye.” Your heart begins beating quicker, you feel as if
you are going to pass out, but you remember that you can’t look weak. Above all,
you can’t look like you are scared, but you know it’s too late. These men can
smell it on you like rotten fish are in you non-existent pockets. As you pass a
particularly “large” inmate he smiles and rubs his hands in what appears to be
anticipation.

You begin slowing, dragging your feet as much as you can, but the guard simply
gives you a nice baton to the back and you stumble forward into the waiting stream
of water. You barely keep your balance and as you open your eyes you’re glad you
did because there are three other convicts dressed in nothing but lather VERY
close to you.

The guard then throws you something…your horror becomes apparent as you see a bar
of soap is flying through the air. Your eyes open wide as time begins to slow. You
reach out and grab it with both hands, but it slips. You keep in mind the
proximity of the other three men and barely manage to grab it with you hand as you
refrain from bending at all.

A sigh of relief fills your body, but before you can even exhale the man to your
left slaps you hard on the back, “NICE CATCH!” Unfortunately the congratulation is
too rough, too unexpected. The soap drops from your shaking hand and falls to the
floor. You freeze, you don’t know what to do, but then the guard who is now
laughing tells you exactly what you will do, “Don’t waste the soap! Pick it up,
dirt bag.”

The men in your shower begin laughing…maniacally. Your mind races. It filters
through thoughts, some of which are ridiculous, some that are downright suicide.
You finally come upon what seem to be your four best choices.

1. Leave it. You don’t need soap to wash, and you can stand a beating from a
guard before you could stand to get raped.

2. Kick the soap to the nearby wall and then get it with your butt firmly on
said wall.

3. Use the old, “Bend at the knees” trick to avoid presenting a target.

4. Just go for it. Maybe you can be quick about it and avoid the rape
altogether.

Yeah, so one is out. You are pretty sure the guard might rape you with a baton
just because he is an ass. Two seems pretty good, it seems plausible is they let
you move over there. Three might be good because it’s quick and leaves you
protected, but your mouth seems to be another target…Four, no, four is out. It’s
just too risky.

You decide to go for number two. With a swift kick you slide the bar to the wall
and then make your way to a corner where you are protected. But to your surprise
the men follow you there. They watch and wait. You slowly use number three’s
approach and grab the soap, but the men come in. You barely stand up in time
before they are on you.

You’ve done it! They all laugh and back off. One of them winks at you and says,
“Nice job, but next time you won’t be so lucky.”

You just hope you never drop the soap…ever again.