How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Do you habitually give in to other people because you just can't stand the thought of upsetting them? Do you put
your needs to one side because you get a buzz from someone else's happiness, only to find that he or she is not a
bit grateful? If so, you are a classic "people pleaser," and you are, in all probability, not getting what you want out
of life. It's time to shift the focus from others to yourself, and stop being a martyr.

There's trouble ahead when you live only for the approval of others, saying what flatters them, doing what
indulges them. 'People pleaser' is actually a code for codependency; many people are codependent. Read
'Codependent No More', the seminal work on the subject, or find a Coda meeting, or other resource. Other
telltales are: you are either passive or aggressive, with little or no in between; you never seem to be having any
fun; you are constantly controlling or being controlled; you are often in a hurry for no reason.

Steps

Think of five times when you did or said something that did not truly reflect your wants and needs, in order to
please someone else. Write them down. For each of these occasions, imagine how you would have handled it
differently - to please yourself! What is the worst that could have happened? Write down your worst fears.

Look at your fears. Are they realistic? Are they truly terrible? You might be afraid that no one will like you, that
someone will leave you, or that you will be left all alone if you don't say the right thing. That is a prison you have
trapped yourself in, and it's time to unlock the doors and walk out! The people around you may be used to your
compliance, but if they're not willing to accept that you have your own needs, are they really worth having in your
life?

Examine your ability to set limits on others. Examine your boundaries. Where are they? What is acceptable
behavior for you and what is unacceptable? Do you tolerate the intolerable? Normalize the abnormal? Accept the
unacceptable? Do you know what it feels like to be treated with dignity and respect? Learn how to identify and
label unacceptable treatment from others and how to set limits on their behavior when they violate your
boundaries.

Consider the source. Many people pleasers were raised in environments wherein their needs and feelings were
pushed aside/not considered. Were you always expected to anticipate, and to mold yourself to, everyone else's
needs? Did you learn that the only way to receive a positive response was to do what others wanted you to do? If
so, here's a newsflash: Not all the world wants a pushover. By focusing on pleasing others, you open yourself up to
manipulation and abuse. You will never reach your potential as an individual if you constantly hide behind others'
expectations.

Stop basing your self-worth on how much you do for other people. It's noble to want to help others, but it's
something you should do because you want to, not because you feel you have to. The greatest acts of kindness are
those done by choice, not out of fear or guilt. If you're doing things for others because you would feel bad if you
didn't, is the action really genuine? Would you want others to help you under those terms? And, if you're helping
others to such an extent that you are neglecting yourself, is that really wise?

Learn how to say "no." Don't make up excuses - give your reasons for not wanting something. So your husband
wants his entire family to come to Christmas dinner, and you just can't face it? "I'm sorry darling, I find the
pressure of entertaining such a large number of people intolerable." Your best friend wants you to go with her or
him to a party that will be full of people that you can't stand? "No thank you, it's just not my scene." Start small -
 find something small to say "no" to, but say it firmly. Say it politely, but mean it! You'll be surprised; the world will
not collapse around your ears! People rarely take offense, and those that do aren't worth pleasing.

Ask for what you want. If everybody's going to the movies, and most people in the group want to see a particular
movie, but you'd rather watch something else, speak up! There's nothing wrong with voicing your opinion, and it
doesn't have to mean you're making a demand. Simply reminding people that you're an individual with your own
preferences is a big step forward. Even asking someone to help you do something will help.

Ultimately, you must remember that no one can read your mind. If you feel that you do so much for others, but
they don't do anything for you, maybe it's because you don't express your needs or desires. It's not fair to make
people pry an answer from you. If they ask you what you want, or if there's a decision being made, put in your
opinion, and let that be that.

Do something for yourself. Do one thing you have been wanting to do, but are afraid someone else will not like.
Dye your hair, get that new look, have a treat that you enjoy, go on holiday....whatever you do, do it for yourself,
and practice not worrying what anyone else thinks about it. Don't get caught up in doing things just because no
one else wants you to do them. Remember that there ought to be things that you truly want to do for yourself,
regardless of what anyone else thinks, not in spite of it. Other people's opinions are a factor in our lives, but they
should not be the determining factor.

Compromise. While it's not good to be a pushover, it's no better to be a manipulative bully or a reckless rebel.
Don't become totally selfish. In fact, many people pleasers have low self-esteem. So do those who are selfish. It is
best to develop good self-care skills, which include healthy assertiveness skills. You can listen to others, but
ultimately, what you do is your choice. Keep a balance! Sometimes the needs of other people should come first.
Whenever there's a conflict of desires, try to come up with a solution that will meet both desires halfway, or better
yet, a "win-win" situation where both sides get even more than they bargained for.

Also,you could keep in mind that, no matter how bad your flaws are, you are beautiful and unique on the inside
and out.

1. Talk to the person who is using you. Tell them that you will no longer tolerate it. It is not your job to
provide for their needs, and you do not owe it to them.

2. Understand that if they get mad, then you should stop hanging out with them (if they are your friend)

or if they are a bully, then inform a school teacher, who will handle it from there

3. 3Realize that if they are using you for your test answers or homework , just stop allowing them to do

so. Not only are they not learning, but it makes you look really bad if you get caught

 Think about your friends' motives for asking you to do things with them. If the reasons always include factors
such as you're the only person they know with a car and they need rides, or if they are failing math and you
happen to be a geometry whiz, these friends may be using you. This behavior can be normal among true friends
too, but if these types of activities represent the only times these so-called friends want to hang out, they may be
using you.

 2
Pay attention to who usually pays for activities when you are out with friends. If your "friends" frequently "forget"
their wallets and purses and you always pick up the tab, they could be using you for your money. A good way to
test this theory is to tell your friends that your parents suspended your allowance or you lost your job and see if
they still want to hang out with you.

 3

Notice how your friends act when you are alone and when you are around others. Users tend to be nice, friendly
and understanding when alone with their victims but can turn into aloof, cruel and critical people when around
others. If a person is truly using you, he doesn't see you as being "worthy" to be his friend, so around others, he
may try his hardest to demonstrate that you are not really friends.

People pleasers were most likely raised in homes where their needs and feelings were not valued, respected, or
considered important. They were often expected as children to respond to or to take care of other people's needs.
Or they may have been silenced, neglected, or otherwise abused, thus learning that their feelings and needs were
not important.

In many cultures, girls are raised to be people pleasers - to think of others' needs first, and to neglect their own.
Many women have at least some degree of people pleasing in them. Men who identified with their mothers often
do as well.

People pleasers' focus is mostly on others and away from themselves. They often feel empty, or don't know how
they feel, what they think, or what they want for themselves. But it's possible to change this pattern and to feel
better about yourself.

I managed to learn how to break out of this cycle.  You can do the same thing if you see yourself in the above
description.  You want to know how?  It's easier than you think!

First, practice saying NO. This is a very important word! Say it as often as you can, just to hear the word come out
of your mouth. Say it out loud when you are alone. Practice phrases with NO in them, such as, "No, I can't do that"
or "No, I don't want to go there".  Try it for simple things first, and then build your way up to harder situations.

Stop saying YES all the time. Try to pause or take a breath before responding to someone's request. You may want
to answer requests with "I need to think about it first, I'll get back to you" or "Let me check my schedule and call
you back". Use any phrase that you feel comfortable with that gives you time before you automatically respond
with YES.

Take small breaks, even if you feel guilty. You won't always feel guilty, but most likely in the beginning you will. 
Remember that your mental health is well worth the aggravation you may have to take from others.  What's
important is you.  When you are healthy, those around you will be healthy!

Figure out what gives you pleasure.  For example, you may like reading magazines, watching videos, going to a
park, or listening to music.  Give yourself permission to do those things and then enjoy them.

Ask someone to help you with something. I know this is a hard one but you can do it!  After all, everyone else is
asking YOU for favors, why shouldn't YOU ask THEM?  Just be tolerant if they turn you down.  Just because you
have always told them "Yes" doesn't mean they always have to tell you "Yes".

Check in with how you feel and what you are thinking. It's important to be aware of these things; they're part of
who you are. And then try saying what you feel and think more often.  Just remember to have a little decorum in
certain situations. 

Many people pleasers believe that nobody will like them if they stop doing things for other people. If someone
stops liking you because you don't do what they ask, then you're being used by them and probably don't want
them as a friend anyway.

People will like you for who you are and not simply for what you do. You deserve to take time to yourself, to say
NO, and to take care of yourself without feeling guilty. It's within your reach to change - one small step at a time!
Are You Friends or Are You Being Used?

By: Victoria Welch

Everyone wants to be liked - we all want friends. Sometimes the hunger for friendship and acceptance can become
so great that a person becomes blind to a painful reality: you have not been befriended by another, you are
instead being used.

Lean On Me
The line between a healthy friendship and unbalanced dynamic can often seem blurred. In the natural give and
take of a friendship, there are times in which one friend leans on another. The thought is that, as situations shift
over time, each friend serves as a supporter as much as she is supported. As a friendship stands the test of time,
you can look back and note the way a friend has been there through the good times and bad: breakups, loss, job
promotions, wedding days, childbirth, even death of loved ones.

Used and Abused

If your relationship, however, focuses more on the trials and tribulations of one person than other, it is possible
that you are not in a friendship at all. It is easy to fall into the trap of becoming more of a personal assistant or
sidekick than a friend - the desire to be liked and accommodating leads to a slippery slope.

If you think that you might be on the losing end of an unbalanced relationship, look for these red flags:

 Are you hanging out or are you doing a favor? Are your shopping excursions a chance for you to
bond or merely opportunity for you to weigh in on your friend's fashion choices? When you go out
for the night, are you always serving as a wingwoman or helping to get your friend into a club? If you
are the one always doing the favors in this relationship, ask yourself if your friend likes you or the
services you can provide.
 When do you hear from him? If your friend only gets in touch with you when you can help him or
when he's having a crisis, this is not a balanced friendship. You're not viewed as a valued friend - or,
at least, not a good one.
 Does she ask about you? You know all every detail of your friend's latest date with that guy she met
online, but she hasn't bothered to ask you anything about how you're doing. If you have fallen into
the role of a yes person or perpetual sounding board, be concerned. Your life is just as interesting
and important as her life is.
 Are you a part of the rest of his life? Does he include you in plans with others? Does he introduce
you to his other friends or members of his family? If you have never been brought into the rest of his
social circle, this might be a red flag. You could exist to him in a nice little compartmentalized
package - one that is all about the good you can do for him, not about any form of genuine
friendship.

How to Restore Balance

If you feel that you are being taken for granted or used, raise the issue with your friend. Explain that recent events
- or your entire relationship - make you feel as if you are not being valued for who you are as an individual. In some
cases, your friend might not even realize that she has been taking advantage of you - balance could be restored
quickly.

In other cases, a person who has knowingly been taking advantage of another will try to angrily defend herself. If
she won't listen - or if she comes to repeat the behavior that has frustrated you - you can either grin and bear it or
decide to part ways and develop more balanced friendships with other people.
Everyone has a friend or two that seems to be more of a convenient friend than a true friend. However, sometimes
it is hard to know what to do about it. This is especially difficult if you feel like these friends use you. Whether they
use you for rides, drinks, or for something to do when no one else can, it is never fun to feel used, especially by a
friend. The following is a look at what to do.

First it is important to know when someone is using you, and when you are just being paranoid. Many people start
to question their friendships when they see they are giving a lot and getting little in return. If phone calls are one
sided, if you are always the one doing in the inviting, or if you start to feel like they only invite you when they need
something, it might be time to look closer at the relationship. For example, if your girlfriend has parties and get-
togethers and never invites you, but when she needs a ride to a pilates class or something, she will call you and
invite you, then have you pick her up. This is an example of being used. A friend who needs rides because they do
not have a car is not using you unless the only time they hang out with you is when they need a ride. You get that
drift? So, evaluate your friendships to see if they are really using you, or if you are just feeling neglected.
Second, consider how important the friendship is to you. If you find that the friendship is really draining and you
would rather not deal with being used at all, then quit answering when they call, and turn down invitations.
However, if you still want to be friends, just would prefer that it be more genuine, and less about getting
something from you, then you need to talk to them about your feelings. How you approach the subject of being
used will be determined by what you want the end result to be. If you want to make them feel bad for using you,
you would call them out publically. If you just want to stop the using, you ignore them. If you want to preserve the
friendship, but stop being used, you have to talk to them.
Third, talk to them. When you talk to them about feeling used, and what you want start by explaining how you
feel. Then back it up. Then offer potential solutions to the problem, and what you would like to see happen. For
example, you might say, "I feel like you really do not care to hang out with me, or be my friend unless you need
something. " Then give examples, "I only hear from you if you are going to be staying in the city and want to crash
at my place." Or, "You only invite me to things when you do not have a ride, and know I will drive you." Now offer
a suggestion, "I would like it if you would get together with me even when you don't need something. " Or "I wish
you would call or email once in a while, even if you aren't in the area." This way they know what you want, and you
let them know you are not going to be used.