I'M NOT ENJOYING THIS EPISODE FOUR

Written by Robert Stimpson & Jack Melling

Episode Four - Norovirus

SCENE 1 INT. THE FLAT. FRANK AND ANTON ARE BOTH WATCHING GHOSTBUSTERS IN THEIR BED CLOTHES. ANTON LOOKS UNINTERESTED. THE FILM ENDS. FRANK TURNS TO ANTON.

Frank: Well, I can't believe it's taken you this long to see it, but what did you think?

Anton:

Rubbish.

Frank:

What? It's a classic!

Anton: Frank, there's no such thing as ghosts so why would there be ghostbusters? I just can't buy into the concept.

FRANK gets up off the sofa and starts to walk off.

Frank: Well thats weird, you were adamant you saw a ghost the other night?

Anton: Shut up. I dont remember it, so it didnt happen.

(MORE)

2. (CONT'D) Frank: Oh, and before I forget, about my birthday -

Anton:

Oh not this again.

Frank: I just wanted to make sure you knew I was being serious when I said I really didn't want any fuss to be made. I just want it to be like any other day. People get so hung up and stressed out about their birthdays, it's just pathetic. I'm not one of those people, so just a nice simple day will be fine.

Anton: Well Frankie, you have nothing to worry about - you won't be getting anything from me. No card, no present, nothing. You'll be lucky to get a happy birthday.

FRANK looks slightly taken aback.

Frank: Ok, well, Betty has arranged birthday drinks with a few people on Saturday night so keep it free so you can come along.

Anton: You know, that seems suspiciously like making a fuss.

Frank: Well I can't help it if Betty arranged drinks, I can't just say no!

(MORE)

3. (CONT'D) Anton: Making all those people give up their Saturday night to celebrate your birth, to give you their attention all night. Making them buy you drinks. Why are you such a hypocrite?

FRANK has no return for ANTON, so he simply walks away.

Anton: How old are you going to be Frank? Mid twenties? Can you drive yet? Have you got a girlfriend? Do you have any savings? Hows that new job working out for you?

There is silence. ANTON smiles smugly to himself and slides a hand under his pants.

SCENE 2

INT. FRANK IS SITTING EATING BREAKFAST IN SILENCE. THE TV IS OFF. ANTON ENTERS DRESSED AND READY TO GO OUT. HE HAS COME IN TO PICK UP HIS SPORTS BAG. HE LOOKS AT FRANK.

Anton:

Birthday.

Frank:

Thanks.
(MORE)

4. (CONT'D)

Anton:

Why isn't the telly on?

Frank: I don't know, I'm just having my breakfast.

Anton: But you're sitting right there, the TV is front of you. It's weird.

Frank: Jesus!

I just don't want it on,

Anton: God, you're so fucking annoying!

Frank:

I haven't done anything.

Anton: Exactly, you're just being yourself. Look, before I knock you out, are we still on for football tonight yeah?

Frank: Yeah absolutely. Just meet me after work and we'll go straight down there. It will be a nice way to spend my birthday evening.

ANTON sighs with frustration. He checks that he has everything. When he knows he does he makes for the door.

Anton:

See ya.

Frank:

Oh, bye. (MORE)

5. (CONT'D)

Anton: What? What was the oh for? If this is about your birthday I'm going to go schitz!

Frank:

Well, you know -

Anton: Look, Mr. Don't Make A Fuss About My Fucking Birthday, I haven't got you anything because 1) men don't give other men birthday presents, they buy each other pints. Buying each other presents is gayer than a load of puppies in a pink fluffy basket, and 2) I haven't got you a card because it's pointless: I'm here now before your very eyes and have already wished you a happy birthday, so a card would just be superfluous, and 3) you said don't make a fuss, so fucking live with that! If you wanted the attention then you shouldn't have said you didnt want any attention. End of story.

ANTON turns on his heel and storms out of the flat. FRANK sits there in a form of shock. He looks around at the normality of his birthday.

Frank:

Happy birthday.

6.

SCENE 3 INT. THE WORK CANTEEN/LUNCH AREA. SITTING HAVING LUNCH TOGETHER. FRANK, STU AND BETTY ARE

Betty: So what have you had for your birthday then?

Frank:

Erm - well, nothing so far.

Betty:

Nothing?

Stu:

Loser.

Frank: Well, I told Anton not to make a fuss, and he took me as literally as he could and didn't get me anything. And I guess my mum and dad and brother have sent me some money that's on its way. I dunno, who cares.

Betty: (flirtatiously) Well, I've got a present for you later.

Stu:

She means sex bruv.

Frank:

Thanks for that Stu.

Stu: Probably absolutely filth too, eh Betty? Every which way when it's for a birthday!

Betty: Shut up Stu, stop being vulgar. (MORE)

7. (CONT'D) Oh, and Frank, when are you putting out your birthday cakes?

Frank:

What birthday cakes?

Betty: Well it's your birthday, you're supposed to bring in cakes for everyone. You have brought some in haven't you?

Frank: Well, no. It's MY birthday, why would I bring in cakes?

Stu: Frank, cuz, it's common knowledge. It doesn't make sense, I agree, but you gotta hit up your peeps wit some cakes on your b-day. Come on playa. And none of dis cheap shit, get da Mr. Kipling's in.

Betty: If you don't give us cakes, Frank, then people are going to think badly of you. You'll be labelled as a cheapskate, and you can rarely shake a label in an office. I don't want to be seen with a cheapskate.

Stu:

Are you two together or what?

Betty:

Not really, but kind of.

Frank: This is mental. It's MY birthday, here's some cakes for you all, and thanks for my zero presents and no card!

8.

Two co-workers (CO1 & CO2) approach the group holding a piece of paper each and with a pen in their hands.

CO1: Hi, guys, sorry for interrupting, but would you mind sponsoring me? I'm running the London Marathon.

Betty: Oh wow, that's amazing! Yeah of course I'll sponsor you. Put me down for 20.

BETTY withdraws 20 from her purse and hands it over.

CO1: Fantastic, that's very generous. You're Betty, right?

Betty:

Yeah, Betty Boothroyd.

Frank: Twenty pound is quite a lot, Betty.

Betty: Well I'm sure it's for a good cause.

CO1: It's for great Ormond Street Hospital.

Betty:

There we go then.
(MORE)

9. (CONT'D)

Stu: Yeah boi, put me down for a ten spot.

STU hands over 10.

CO1: Good stuff, thanks Stu. And how about you - Frank - is it?

Frank: I don't really have any cash on me at the moment, so I'll have to do it another time. Sorry.

CO1: Well you can donate online. It's easy. Have you got a pen and some paper?

Frank:

No.

CO1: That's cool, just give me your arm.

CO1 forcefully takes FRANK's arm and writes the website address on it. FRANK winces slightly.

CO1: There we go. Be generous, Frank, it's for a great cause.

Frank:

I'll give what I can.

(MORE)

10. (CONT'D)

Betty: too?

Are you getting sponsors

CO2: I am yeah, I'm swimming the length of the English Channel in my local swimming pool for a charity that gives young offenders another chance at making something of their lives.

Frank:

What, all in one go?

CO2:

No, over a month.

Frank: As in the longest part of the English Channel?

CO2:

No, Dover to Calais.

FRANK pulls an unimpressed face.

Betty: I'll sponsor you twenty pounds too, but I'll give it to you when we get paid next week.

Frank:

Twenty pounds for that?

CO2:

Stu?

Stu: Same for me babycakes. Tenner next week.

(MORE)

11. (CONT'D)

CO2:

Frank?

Frank: Erm - I can sponsor you a fiver I guess.

CO2: A fiver? I'm swimming the English channel!

Frank: No, you're swimming twenty miles in a pool over a month. That's not very demanding - that's just regular exercise for most people. I think a fiver is very generous for something so easy.

CO2: It's not going to be easy, I've got asthma!

Frank: Well, I'm sure your asthma isn't that bad or you wouldn't do it. Now a marathon, yeah, that's tough, but having a little swim everyday isn't that worthy.

CO2:

Prick.

CO2 walks off followed by CO1. BETTY looks at FRANK in shock while STU laughs quietly to himself.

Betty:

Frank - what the fuck?

Frank:

What?

What did I say?

(MORE)

12. (CONT'D)

Betty: You just savaged that woman for no reason.

Frank: There was a reason - she's doing some pathetic little challenge and then turned her nose up at my money. She can't dictate how much money people give her, she should be grateful for any contribution.

Betty: Well that's going to be someone else who hates you now and you've only been here a couple of weeks.

Frank:

Someone else?

Betty: Yeah, I'm sure a few people will feel snubbed by the lack of cakes. You don't understand, some of these people have worked in offices all their lives - they think that the stupid rules of the office are actually real life. Not bringing cakes in for them on your birthday is like spitting on their children.

Frank: Great, well bring in their kids and I'll get some nice greenies ready for them. I've got to go now, see ya later.

FRANK stands up and starts to walk away.

Betty:

Erm, Frank?

13.

FRANK stops and turns.

Frank:

Yeah?

Betty: Aren't you going to kiss me goodbye?

Frank: No, we're at work. It would be weird. Plus he would watch (points at Stu).

Stu:

Pussyclart!

Betty: Fine, don't worry about it. See ya later.

FRANK hesitates a moment before finally walking away. looks slightly annoyed.

BETTY

SCENE FOUR

INT. FRANK IS WORKING AT HIS DESK. AFTER A WHILE TWO GIRLS (GIRL1 & GIRL2) APPROACH HIS DESK CARRYING SPONSORSHIP FORMS. HE LOOKS UP AT THEM.

(MORE)

14. (CONT'D)

Frank:

Hi.

Girl1: us?

Hi Tom, will you sponsor

Frank:

I'm Frank.

Girl2: (To Girl1) what're you like?

You div,

GIRL1 and GIRL2 laugh to each other.

Girl1: then?

Sorry, what's your name

Frank:

Frank.

Girl1: Sorry Frank. sponsor us?

But can you

Frank:

What for?

Girl1: Life.

We're doing the Race For

Frank:

The 5K race?

Girl2:

Yeah, for breast cancer.

15.

FRANK exhales heavily.

Girl1:

What's that for?

Frank: 5K? You want to be sponsored for a 5K run?

Girl1: dick?

Yeah!

Why are you being a

Frank: Can't you just do a marathon instead? Or even a half marathon?

Girl2:

No way, that's missions.

Frank: Well isn't that the point of getting sponsors? For completing an endurance event?

Girl1: event!

Running 5K is an endurance

Frank: I ran 5K last night, and I tell you what, it was fine. Have you got any money for me?

Girl2: You should just want to give to charity, it doesn't matter what people are doing for the money.

(MORE)

16. (CONT'D) Frank: Look, I do want to give to charity, but I've already said I would sponsor someone doing the marathon, I may also be sponsoring someone to swim a few yards for a month...there's no doubt going to be loads more of you people bombarding me for money over the next few weeks - I just can't sponsor you all, I'd end up going bankrupt. Ive got be ruthless, and marathons take priority, Im afraid.

Girl2: Do you think you're too good for cancer or something? (pointing at GIRL1) She's pregnant too, you know.

Frank: Well, firstly, congratulations. And secondly, no, I do not think I'm too good for cancer. I think cancer charities are very worthy, but I just can't bring myself to sponsor you for running 5 kilometres. FIVE KILOMETRES. I presume you're running?

Girl1: Running, walking, it's all the same.

Frank: It's not really. I will sponsor you two pound each if you run it, but if you walk it I think you two should both give me two pound. (To GIRL1) Maybe not you though, if you're pregnant. You can walk.

Girl2: You're an absolute dick, do you know that?

17.

FRANK takes the comment on board and sits silently for a while.

Frank:

It's my birthday today.

Girl1: Give us a fiver each and we'll say happy birthday.

Frank: I'll pass. But after work I'm walking to the shops before going home to get some milk and bread; can you sponsor me a tenner, please?

Girl2: We're going to tell everyone about this.

Frank: Good, I hope you're embarrassed!

FRANK gets back to work. at FRANK.

GIRL1 and GIRL2 walk off sneering

SCENE FIVE

EXT. OUTSIDE THE OFFICE BUILDING. FRANK AND STU WALK OUT TOGETHER AND THEN ALONG THE PAVEMENT OUTSIDE.

(MORE)

18. (CONT'D) Stu: Sure you don't want a birthday drink before the football?

Frank: I'm ok thanks. I've got a bit of a funny tummy anyway, so I already feel a bit crappy. I don't want to make that worse.

Stu: Funny tummy? say that bruv?

Did you just

Frank: Just shut up, I've had a stressful day.

Stu: Safe, man, chill. Look, don't worry about Betty either. Just send her a text talking about how much you wanna lick her out and you'll be fine. Or you could just fake an illness - that will make her feel propa guilty 'innit?

Frank: I'll see.

ANTON enters the shot walking towards FRANK and STU.

Anton: Oi, oi! Ready for the football now Frankie?

Stu: (excited) All right geezer.

ANTON looks at STU blankly before turning back to FRANK.

(MORE)

19. (CONT'D) Anton: You still trying to pretend that you don't want attention for your birthday then?

Stu: Bruv, he's been pissing everyone off today. No birthday love for this fool.

Anton: how.

Love it!

How?

Tell me

Stu: He refused to kiss Betty in front of me, and he's been slagging off people trying to raise money for charity.

ANTON laughs enthusiastically.

They all start walking on.

Anton: Frank, you dark horse! That's legendary!

Frank: Well first of all, I didn't refuse to kiss Betty. I just thought it would be a bit weird to kiss her at work - I mean, we're not in a relationship or anything -

Stu:

You ain't?

Frank: know -

Well, no.

We're just - you

Anton:

Doing it.

Stu:

PLAYA!! (MORE)

20. (CONT'D)

Frank: It's not like that either. Purely sexual relationships are a bit seedy. We're just -

Anton:

Having sex.

Frank:

No, we're friends.

Anton: That are smashing the shit out of each other.

Frank: No. as that.

No, it's not as simple

Anton: Frank, chill out. You both have nothing in common, you're completely different, but you like each other's bodies. It's cool, everyone does it these days. It's the modern day relationship - all sex, no chat. You're just more of a Charles and Diana than a Charles and Camilla.

Stu: Yeah blud, I got about five girls on the go like that.

FRANK and ANTON look at STU in disbelief.

Anton: So you've been hating on charities as well?

(MORE)

21. (CONT'D) Frank: For fu- No, I've been getting a bit annoyed at being submerged by people doing feats for charity and expecting everyone to sponsor them! I only have so much money to give!

Anton: Frank, how can someone so old be so nave. Everyone knows about sponsorship season. All these people you know suddenly become joggers and then start demanding money off of everyone. I don't even go on Facebook anymore because every other status is a denotation request. You just have to donate to the hot girls or really good male friends. I ended up about 200 out of pocket after sponsorship season last year.

Frank: 200! That's insane, that's so much money.

Anton: yeah.

It is for a stingy bastard,

Stu: He even refused to give sponsor money to a pregnant woman.

Anton: Frank! Do you hate pregnant women?

FRANK sees a man with a charity bucket man (CBM) standing awaiting donations. He marches up to him before turning to face STU and ANTON.

(MORE)

22. (CONT'D) Frank: (shouting to ANTON and STU) Look I'm donating some money to charity because it's for a worthwhile cause (drops a pound into the charity bucket) and because this man isn't pretending to be doing something hard to get my money. Now can we please move on!

Stu: Yeah, but he hasn't done much to earn the money bruv.

Frank: Standing around in Crawley town centre all day is far more impressive than swimming on and off for a month.

Stu: But you don't know him.

Frank: (turning to the CBM) Hi I'm Frank, what's your name?

CBM: Barry.

Frank: Hi Barry, nice to meet you! (Turns to STU and ANTON) There we go, I now know him.

Anton: (turning to Stu) What's wrong with him?

Stu: Can't control his ho 'innit.

FRANK walks away down the High Street, ANTON and STU follow.

23.

Anton: Now I suppose you think you're bloody Bob Geldof because you put a pound in a charity bucket.

Frank: If you're so charitable why don't you give him some money instead of judging me?

Anton: Fine then I will.

ANTON approaches the charity bucket man.

Anton: Here you go kind sir!

ANTON drops 2 into the bucket.

Anton: Shit, I was only meant to give a pound. (To CBM) Excuse me, could I have a pound change?

CBM: I'm afraid that won't be possible, sir.

Anton: Ok, let me explain. I only meant to give a pound, but put in two pounds by accident. Can I have a pound back?

CBM: Sorry, but I can't open the bucket.

(MORE)

24. (CONT'D)

Anton: What?! I thought you were in control of the bucket!

Frank: C'mon Anton, let's just go.

Anton: No I want my pound back!

WOMAN approaches the CBM with a pound. coin in her fingers.

ANTON notices the

Anton: Ah brilliant, I'll have that!

Woman: No, I'm giving it to charity.

Anton: Look, you don't understand. I donated two pounds instead of a pound by accident, so the pound you donate still goes to charity and I get my change. Everyone's happy!

Woman: I'd still rather give my pound to charity.

WOMAN puts her pound in the charity bucket.

Anton: (Angered) What did you do that for?!

Woman: Piss off!

25.

WOMAN walks away.

Anton: (Mumbles) Bitch. (Turns to the CBM) Give me my fucking pound back!

CBM: I can't sir. The bucket is sealed, the money is now the property of the charity.

ANTON grabs the CBM in a headlock and starts wrestling him to the ground.

Anton: (shouting) Give me my pound! Give me my pound!

Stu: I'm going now before da feds come - dey have it in for me big time.

Frank: Fine, I'll see you tomorrow.

STU walks off as FRANK watches ANTON and the CBM wrestling each other. Two members of the public drag ANTON off the CBM, but ANTON keeps trying to restart the fight. As a crowd grows ANTON finally admits defeat and runs off. FRANK stands still momentarily looking at the crowd apologetically before following.

26.

SCENE 6

EXT. ASTROTURF FOOTBALL PITCHES. FRANK AND ANTON ARE CHANGED INTO SPORTSWEAR AND WALKING ONTO THE PITCHES TO PLAY FOOTBALL. ANTON IS NOW NURSING A BLACK EYE. FRANK starts laughing. ANTON glares at him.

Frank: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I really am. How's the eye?

Anton: A little sore. Still won't stop me from merking everyone at football, though.

Frank: Merking?

Anton: Yes. And you better be on your game tonight Frank. I don't want you showing me up.

Frank: How will I show you up?

Anton: By being as rubbish at football as you are at life.

Frank: Who are we playing anyway?

Anton: Some random chavs called Inter Megran. Should batter 'em they're only little chavs!

Frank: Erm, chavs can be quite good at football. (MORE)

27. (CONT'D) They have no jobs, so have a lot of time on their hands to practise.

Anton: Stop being a snob Frank. They'll be rubbish.

Frank: Who do we have playing for us?

Anton: Big Dave, Sean, Paddy and Marcus.

Frank: Can Big Dave play football?

Anton: Course he can - he's a goalkeeper. No-one's getting past him.

Frank: Unless he has to move.

Anton: Don't diss Dave! He's having problems with his missus and has been looking forward to this all week. I think his wife has cheated on him.

Frank:

Where did you hear that?

Anton: I didn't hear it anywhere, it's just what I think is happening. Feel free to spread it around.

Before FRANK can respond, ANTON sees BIG DAVE, SEAN, PADDY and MARCUS and rushes over. FRANK goes to walk over, but stops clutching his stomach.

28.

SCENE 7

EXT. ASTROTURF FOOTBALL PITCHES. GROUPS OF GUYS ARE IN THE MIDST OF GAMES. ANTON, FRANK AND THE TEAM ARE WARMING UP, KNOCKING THE BALL AROUND AND TAKING SHOTS AT GOAL. ANTON HAS A PAIR OF GARISH RED BOOTS, AND PULLS HIS SOCKS RIGHT UP OVER HIS KNEES BEFORE APPLYING A GENEROUS AMOUNT OF WHITE TAPE AROUND HIS SOCKS AT THE ANKLES.

Frank:

That's a bit much isn't it?

Anton:

What?

Frank: The socks over the knees, the ankle tape? It's only a kick about.

Anton: For shit players like you maybe. I'm a born winner, I have the winning mentality. I'll no doubt be carrying you through game, so just concentrate on your performance.

Frank: All right, sorry Mr. Cruyff!

Anton:

Better than him.

Frank:

Of course.
(MORE)

29. (CONT'D)

Anton: I've got all the gear, I can't be a bad player. Nobody can have so much endorsed gear as this and be bad. It's impossible.

Frank: (laughing) Yeah, all the gear and no idea.

Anton:

Check it.

ANTON receives the ball and completes two kick ups before shaping for a volley at goal, which he skies horribly and rattles high against the fence behind the goal.

Frank:

Awesome, mate.

Anton:

Just finding my range.

FRANK pulls a loving, smiling, face and then jogs off to the side of the goal to check on his phone in his bag. ANTON's eyes light up. He pushes the ball he has at his feet out slightly and aims a shot at FRANK which misses woefully, rattling against the fence yards away. FRANK looks up.

Frank:

Was that aimed at me?

Anton:

Marcus, give me that ball!

A ball is passed to ANTON and he tries again, skying another ball hopelessly high into the fence.

30.

He groans with frustration. He looks around and sees some small kids on the sideline with a ball.

Anton:

Pass me that ball!!

Kid1:

No, it's ours.

Anton: Just give me the ball you little shit.

KID1 begrudgingly passes the ball, which ANTON controls and then aims at FRANK again. ANTON sends his kick sailing over the fence.

Kid1:

That's our ball you dick!

Anton: You better go and get it then you little fuck.

ANTON is seething. FRANK jogs back out onto the pitch, collects a ball and curls a majestic shot into the top corner. He looks at ANTON and puts his finger to his lips in a sssh gesture. ANTON is furious.

Anton: (clapping) Right boys, gather round!

The rest of the team look slightly confused, but they do as they are told. The team is gathered in a tight circle around ANTON.

31.

Anton: Right, as your captain I think I should say a few words -

Frank:

You aren't captain.

Anton:

Fuck off, Frank.

Frank:

Who made you captain?

Anton: Frank hates pregnant women, everyone.

Frank: Don't just blurt it out in front of everyone!

Anton: Frank, your pathetic life doesn't matter on this field of warriors. What matters is that we, this band of five brothers, six including a goalkeeper, pour our heart and soul into this match. Don't you dare walk off this field at the final whistle able to stand, because if you do not give it your all, every ounce of strength and effort, and we lose, then you will have to live with the regret for the rest of your lives. (clapping vociferously) NOW FUCKING COME ON LET'S DO THIS BOYS!!

ANTON storms out of the circle and into his position up front. The rest of the team take up their positions as normal. FRANK moves a little uneasily, feeling at his stomach.

(MORE)

32.

Big Dave:

(CONT'D) You ok, Frank?

Frank: Yeah, I'm good. Just a little funny, I'll run it off.

Big Dave: Take it easy, mate, it's only a kick about.

The REFEREE blows for kick off and ANTON goes charging into the action, fouling an opponent immediately. The REFEREE blows for a foul. Anton turns on him in anger.

Anton: Oh fuck off ref!

SCENE 8

EXT. ASTROTURF FOOTBALL PITCHES. A MONTAGE OF SCENES OF FOOTBALLING ACTION. ANTON IS RUNNING AROUND LIKE A HEADLESS CHICKEN, SHOUTING INSTRUCTIONS AT EVERYONE, TRYING SKILLS WHICH FAIL, AND SHOTS THAT ARE NEVER ON TARGET. HE SIMPLY BLAMES HIS TEAMMATES FOR HIS FAILURES.

A random chav on Inter Megran beats 3 players including FRANK and ANTON before burying the ball into the top corner to make it 7-1. FRANK bends over holding his stomach in some distress.

(MORE)

33. (CONT'D) Anton: (to FRANK) What the fuck was that Frank?

Frank: (holding his stomach) What?!

Anton: That chav just destroyed you.

Frank: He got past you as well.

Anton: Yeah, but I'm the striker banging them in - not a defender like you.

Frank: Whatever.

Anton: (addressing everyone) Lads, this is fucking pathetic. I feel like I'm holding the team together.

Big Dave: Shut up Anton - you're tackling your own team-mates.

Anton: Only because you're all letting me down - I'm carrying the fight.

Random Chav: C'mon lads, we're waiting here!

Anton: I'm giving my team-mates a pep-talk.

Random Chav: It ain't gonna help.

(MORE)

34. (CONT'D)

Anton: (Mumbles) Fuck off dickhead.

Random Chav:

What was that, mate?

Anton: Nothing, just manage your own team.

As the action on the pitch continues FRANK pulls up, visibly swaying. He drops to his knees, and then onto all fours.

Big Dave: Shit!! Stop the game! Frank, are you ok?!

The game stops and everyone turns to see FRANK just as he vomits violently. People are concerned but don't want to approach the sick. The REFEREE runs over and crouches down beside him.

Ref:

You OK, mate?

Frank:

Just feel dizzy and -

FRANK vomits violently again.

ANTON is laughing.

Anton: Frank you loser! being sick!

Stop

35.

FRANK collapses under his own body weight and blacks out.

Ref: Shit! Someone go and get some water and a phone - call an ambulance!

ANTON runs off to behind the goal, picks up a water bottle and his phone. As he runs back he is pushing buttons on his phone. When he arrives back at the scene he sprays water in FRANK's face and then starts filming it all on his phone.

Anton: again!

Wake up, Frank! Throw up

Ref: What the fuck are you playing at? Give him some water!

Anton: Shut up ref! You aren't supposed to give him water, he might just throw it back up again.

Big Dave: Isn't that why you're filming him?

Anton:

Oh yeah.

ANTON leans down to the now groggy FRANK and pours water into his mouth.

36.

Anton:

Drink up, Judah Ben Hur.

FRANK takes a gulp and then pushes the bottle away. He returns back to all fours again, breathes heavily for a while and is sick once again. ANTON smiles with joy and moves in closer with his phone.

Ref: Has anyone actually phoned an ambulance yet? This man is very ill.

Anton: As if he needs an ambulance. He's just got a cold or something.

Ref: He collapsed, vomited twice, blacked out and then vomited again!

Anton: He's just a bit bunged up. I swear to God, if anyone phones an ambulance I'll weigh them in! Any of you just try it!

The REFEREE steals the phone from ANTON's hand and dials 999. He asks for an ambulance immediately.

Anton: Oh for fuck sake! I'm having the game of my life and Frank having a cold gets the game abandoned! Thanks Frank!

(MORE)

37. (CONT'D) Big Dave: We're losing 7-1 and you're playing shit.

Anton: one.

Yeah but who scored our

Big Dave: goal.

It was more of an own

Anton: goal.

It was my shot, so it's my

Big Dave: A heavily deflected shot. Very heavily deflected shot.

Anton:

My shot.

Fuck!!

ANTON kicks out at the floor and storms off. A few players help FRANK to his feet and walk him unsteadily off the pitch.

Anton: (shouting from a distance) Pussy!

Frank: (groggy) It's my birthday.

Ref: Oh really? mate.

Happy Birthday

Anton: (from a distance, incredulous) No! No!

(MORE)

38. (CONT'D) Ref: How long do you think the ambulance will be?

Big Dave: God knows, do we even have ambulances anymore? I thought the Tories cut them.

SCENE 9

EXT. OUTSIDE CRAWLEY HOSPITAL. ANTON IS WAITING FOR FRANK BY HIS CAR. FRANK IS WALKING SLOWLY AND IS VISIBLY UNSTEADY.

Anton: Oh well done Frank! Well done. You wanted some attention on your birthday so you faked an illness and made us call out an ambulance. You're pathetic.

Frank: What? ill here.

Anton, I'm seriously

Anton: Oh shut up. You're faking. You made us cancel the match when I was putting in my best performance of the decade.

Frank: Can you just take me home please? The nurse said this virus can be - explosive, if you follow my drift. I don't want to take any chances.
(MORE)

39. (CONT'D)

Anton:

So you are sick then?

Frank: Yes, she said it's called norovirus.

Anton:

What does that mean?

Frank: It means cold sweats, a fever, spells of vomiting and diahorrea.

Anton:

Is it contagious?

Frank: Yes, very. That's why they've kicked me out on the street because they didn't want me spreading it around the hospital.

ANTON stands still in fear. the engine.

He gets into his car and starts

Frank: (shocked) What are you doing? Come on! I need to get to bed.

ANTON winds down the window of the car.

Anton: Keep your filthy disease away from me.

Frank:

What?

40.

ANTON pulls out his wallet and throws some coins on the floor near FRANK.

Anton: There's more than enough for a bus home there, give your disease to those people, not me! Keep the change.

FRANK stands in stunned silence as ANTON starts to drive away. As he nears FRANK he winds down his window.

Anton: Actually, on the way back get me some Skittles from the shop with that change. Cheers.

ANTON drives off.

SCENE 10 INT. FRANKS BEDROOM. FRANK IS LAYING IN BED, UTTERLY DAZED AND CONFUSED. ANTON AND BETTY CAN BE HEARD OUTSIDE THE DOOR, AND THEN ENTER THE ROOM. BETTY IS SADDENED AND RUNS TO THE BED, PLACING HER HANDS ON THE SIDE OF FRANK'S HEAD. ANTON IS WEARING A PROTECTIVE MASK, A HOODIE WITH THE HOOD UP, RUBBER GLOVES AND TRACKIES.

Anton: Betty, what did I just say?! He's highly contagious! (MORE)

41. (CONT'D) He's been splattering the toilet pan from both ends ever since he got home.

Betty:

Oh my poor little Frankie!

Anton: He's fine - he just has homovirus.

Frank: Don't listen to him, I feel like absolute shit. I was playing football yesterday and -

Betty: (hugging FRANK) Oh poor baby! What do you have?

Frank: (hoarsely) Norovirus.

Anton: I just told you - he has homovirus.

Betty: Can you just leave us alone, please?

Anton:

Fine, whatever.

ANTON leaves, closing the door behind him.

Betty: Are you going to be ok? What is this thing?

Frank: (hoarsely) Oh it's just a viral thing, I'll be fine in a few days hopefully.
(MORE)

42. (CONT'D)

Betty:

Can we still have sex?

Frank: (hoarsely) It's probably not wise for now, I may have some motion sickness issues.

Betty:

Oh.

That's a shame.

Frank: (hoarse and pathetic) You aren't going to leave because of that are you? I'll have sex if you need it. Just don't leave me for a woman!

Betty: about?

Frank, what are you on

Frank: I don't know, I'm sweating. I'm a bit delirious.

Betty: Look, babes, just stay calm, get better and then I can give you your birthday present.

Frank:

Do you mean have sex?

Betty: Well, yes, but I didn't want to be so blunt.

Frank: When did sex become a legitimate birthday present? I mean, it shouldn't qualify solely as present. It's standard. It should be a present AND birthday sex.

Betty:

What are you on about? (MORE)

43. (CONT'D)

Frank: Well I'm presuming you haven't got me a present?

Betty: Well, no, I haven't. But we aren't a couple and I've only known you for a few weeks so I just thought I'd fuck your brains out to put a smile on your face. Is that really so bad?

Frank: Well a tenner in an envelope to accompany it would have been nice too. But you've got a point. I look forward to the sex.

BETTY smiles and looks down at her feet.

Frank: (hoarsely) I text you on my way back home last night - did you get it?

Betty: it!

Oh yeah, I forgot to read

BETTY gets her phone out of her bag and goes through her messages.

Betty: Oh here it is - "babe - ", aww, sweet. "Babe, I've just been to hospital, been discharged. Getting bus home now coz Anton is a dick. Call me."

BETTY's face grows in disappointment. She keeps pressing the down button but nothing changes. FRANK becomes aware that BETTY suddenly looks very cross.

(MORE)

44.

Frank:

(CONT'D) What's wrong?

Betty: Well, I don't want to seem out of order, but there's no kisses on this text.

Frank:

What?

Betty: Frank, there are no kisses on this text. Absolutely none. Are you just trying to snub me or something?

Frank: What are you talking about? I'm really weak and can barely move - that includes my fingers! I just sent you a quick text to let you know I was heading home, so you would know where to meet me later. I was thinking of you throughout this whole sorry experience even when I was extremely ill! Through all of this pain all I could picture was your face...babe.

Betty: Oh brilliant, you thought of me while you blew chunks everywhere and shat yourself.

Frank: I didn't shit myself. nearly did, but not quite.

Betty: Oh good. Well, I'm glad during that experience you found time to write me a text, but just couldn't spring as far as putting even one kiss on the end! Not even one.

Frank: You'd probably still have moaned that that wasn't enough anyway. (MORE)

45. (CONT'D)

Betty: Actually you're right, because if you had pressed the button once, your finger would still have been on it, so it would have been easy to press it a few more times. One kiss just means friends, and I think that's how we should have stayed.

Frank: (in a mocking voice) Oooohh I didn't get any kisses, he doesn't like me, fuck the fact he has norovirus, I just want the attention because I'm needy and insecure. (Normal voice) Maybe you should have thought that through before you made the classy move of dragging me into the toilet at my party for a quick fumble.

BETTY looks at FRANK in utter seriousness.

Betty:

Fuck - You.

BETTY storms out of the flat. A few moments later ANTON reenters, still in his protective gear.

Anton:

That seemed to go well.

Frank: Shut up, stay out of it. She's just a bit insecure.

Anton: Yeah, she's so insecure she needs scaffolding.

Frank: words.

Thanks for the helpful

(MORE)

46. (CONT'D)

Anton: Anytime. Now seriously, do you know if people are still getting together tonight for your birthday drinks?

Frank:

What?

Anton: Well, I'm still up for going out.

Frank: You don't even know any of them! You don't know anyone other than Stu and you hate him. Why would you want to go?

Anton: Just fancied it. It's a night out. Plus, I think you need to keep an eye on Betty, more so than ever now.

Frank:

How come?

Anton: Well, you've just seriously pissed her off, and have seemingly already ended a relationship that could be measured in days rather than weeks. She's going to be absolutely steaming for cock, or fanny. She's a bisexual, remember?

Frank:

Yes, I'm aware.

Anton: She's going to be on heat big time. You've just wound up a fit bisexual and have let her loose in a room full of boozed up coworkers and strangers. She'll get laid at least five times. At least.
(MORE)

47. (CONT'D)

Frank: Can you just shut up for a moment, please! My head is spinning enough as it is!

Anton: Look, mate, I know you've got the shits and the sicks, but if you want Betty to stay as your little piece of crumpet then you have to go to this party!

FRANK sighs heavily and looks up at the ceiling. him a thumbs up and a huge smile.

ANTON gives

SCENE 11

INT. A PUB. FRANK AND ANTON ENTER THROUGH THE CROWD LOOKING FOR FRANK'S CO- WORKERS. ANTON IS DRESSED INCREDIBLY SMART IN A THREE PIECE SUIT, WHILE FRANK LOOKS A MESS IN A GREY TSHIRT AND JEANS. HE IS ALREADY SWEATING THROUGH THE SHIRT AND HIS HAIR IS A MESS. HIS SKIN A GHOSTLY WHITE.

Anton: This is going to be quality. I can't wait to meet Preggers.

Frank: Her name is Debs, and why do you want to meet her so much?

Anton: Because she's pregnant and pregnant girls are constantly horny.

Frank: Don't you think the baby's father might have something to say?

(MORE)

48. (CONT'D) Anton: Frank, let me lay down some solid statistics for you - 8 out of 10 pregnant women don't know who the father is.

Frank: Where did you get that ridiculous stat from?

Anton: It's called being a man of the world and talking to people.

Frank: Have you been talking to drunk people in bus stops again?

Anton: Frank, these people have seen the world; they know things we don't.

Frank: They are just smashed off the chemicals in a litre bottle of 1 cider.

Anton: I know you're ill, but can you stop being a snob.

Frank: I'm not being a -

FRANK stumbles slightly, but ANTON grabs him before he falls.

Anton: Frank, get your shit together! There's no way you'll win back Betty acting like that.

Frank: I can't help it - I'm ill.

(MORE)

49. (CONT'D) Anton: Well just play it down a bit - I don't want you cramping my style. I've been setting my bar too high with Nicola and want to start exploring sure things like knocked up women and average looking teens.

Frank: Nicola's setting the bar high?

Anton: Yeah, she's amazing. Probably even too good for me. I think for my own good I should maybe start tapping up a few other potentials before she gets snapped up by Johnny Depp or someone.

Frank: Anton, she's not better than you - you're a lot better than her, most people are.

Anton: That's rubbish!

Frank: Just accept my compliment. I'm actually complimenting you, just acknowledge it at least.

Anton: No, you'll not besmirch Nicola's name!

Frank: Besmirch?

Anton: Yes, it's a word. Where are they?

Frank: I think they're over in the corner there.

50.

FRANK starts clutching his stomach.

Anton: (annoyed) Not this again.

Frank: I don't feel right.

Anton: Why are you here then?

Frank: Because you made me think Betty will be getting off with some random bloke.

Anton: Or girl?

Frank: Yes or a girl.

Anton: That must be terrible for you.

Frank: It's not ideal. Right they're over there, follow me.

Anton and Frank walk over. Anton starts strutting.

Anton: You know what Frank.

Frank: What?

Anton: I never get tired of looking this good.

51.

FRANK rolls his eyes. ANTON struts ahead.

CAMERA MOVES TO A SHOT OF ALL OF FRANK'S CO-WORKERS AT A TABLE. INCLUDED ARE GIRL1/DEBS, GIRL3 AND GIRL4. ANTON AND FRANK ENTER THE SHOT.

Anton: Hellooooooo ladies!

Betty: Frank, what are you doing here? I thought you were resting.

Frank: I'm fi...

FRANK throws up into his own hands, letting it fall to the floor.

Frank: I'm sor -

FRANK then collapses on to the floor while everyone looks on in shock.

Anton: What the fuck Frank? Why are you embarrassing me in front of your co-workers?!

Debs: (to ANTON) Who are you?

Anton: Anton, the to-be mother lover. Is there a Mr. Debs?

Debs: Yes.
(MORE)

52. (CONT'D)

Anton: (to FRANK, annoyed) For fuck sake Frank.

Betty: Why are you shouting at him? He's ill!

Anton: I told him to be cool and he deliberately ignored my instructions and ruined my chances with Debs.

Debs: You never had a chance.

Betty (to ANTON): Aren't you going to help him?

Anton: I've helped him out enough today, it's your turn.

ANTON looks at GIRL3 standing next to him. while everyone around him helps Frank.

He eyes her up

Anton: All right babes, you doing good yeah?

Girl3:

Is that your cousin?

Anton: He is yes. But more importantly, who are you here with? Do you work with him?

Girl3: I do, yeah. who hates charity.

He's the guy

(MORE)

53. (CONT'D) Anton: Well, I don't hate charity, so how about we move on somewhere else?

Girl3:

I'm sorry?

Anton: Let me level with you babes. I'm setting my standards low for some action with a below average girl. You in?

Girl3: If yo don't leave me alone instantly I'm going to punch you in the face.

Anton: C'mon love it's the best offer you're going to get all night.

Girl3: I'll take my chances.

Anton: (to FRANK) Tell your friend to find some manners!

Betty: He's barely conscious.

Anton: And who's fault do you think that is!

Betty: Are you implying it's my fault?

Anton: Yes, if you weren't such a greedy bisexual, he wouldn't be so worried about you getting off with random strangers.
(MORE)

54. (CONT'D)

Girl4: Who is this guy?

Girl3: I don't know, but he's so rude.

Anton: You're the rude one love. Less attractive people are meant to jump at the chance at getting with the beautiful people.

Betty: Look, can you all just get of the way, I need to sort Frank out.

BETTY grabs FRANK and helps him slowly to his feet, before walking him towards the exit. A silence ensues briefly as everyone gathered looks around at the mess. ANTON is in the middle of it all and looks at those around him.

Anton: So are there any single ladies here that aren't frigid as these two?

SCENE 12

EXT. OUTSIDE THE PUB. BETTY AND ANTON ARE CARRYING FRANK ALONG THE ROAD TOWARDS THE TAXI RANK.

Anton: Is every girl in your office so frigid then? Or are they all just lesbians like you?

Betty:

I'm bisexual, Anton.

(MORE)

55. (CONT'D)

Anton: So what do you prefer then?

Betty: Sorry?

Anton: Cock or fanny? What do you prefer?

Betty: I don't think this is the time or the place for this sort of discussion.

Anton: Just trying to make small talk. What do bisexuals usually talk about?

Before BETTY can answer ANTON sees NICOLA and drops FRANK onto BETTY.

Anton: Nicola! How are you doing? What are you doing here?

Nicola: Shit! Went on a date with this chav called Lewis and he stole all my fucking money.

Anton: Aww, no way! Do you want to hop in a taxi with us? We'd be happy to pay.

Betty: We?

Nicola: Yeah sure. Thanks babe!

NICOLA hugs ANTON. ANTON smiles broadly.

56.

Betty: You going to help me with Frank then?

Anton: (stressed) Fine!

ANTON and BETTY help FRANK up and walk him towards the taxi.

Anton: Its a good job Im so strong, eh ladies?

Nicola: Right, don't look at me. I'm not wearing any knickers and don't want you seeing my gash as I get in.

Anton: Wow! No knickers, how liberating - going against the constraints of underwear. Revolutionary.

Nicola: Yeah, that.

NICOLA steps into the taxi, followed by ANTON and BETTY placing a still semi-conscious FRANK in next to her. BETTY gets in next to FRANK, so ANTON gets in the front.

SCENE 13

57.

INT. IN THE TAXI. ROAD.

THE TAXI PULLS UP IN FRANK AND ANTON'S

Taxi Driver: 8 pound mate.

Anton: 8 pounds?! It's 6 at the most.

Taxi Driver: There's 4 people in the car and one of them is passed out on da leather interior.

Anton: He's not passed out, he's semi-conscious.

Taxi Driver: Same thing 'innit! 8 pound!

Anton: This is fucking ridiculous. Betty give the man 8 pounds.

Betty: Why me? You're the one that said you'd pay.

Anton: No I said we'd pay. not me.

That's

Betty: Don't you have any money?

Anton: No, Frank usually pays.

Betty: No he doesn't.

(MORE)

58. (CONT'D) Anton: Well he has with me most times because I don't bring my wallet.

Betty: Can't you just get your wallet from the flat now?

Anton: It wouldn't be much use, I spent my last fiver on some crispy pancakes and smiley potato faces.

Betty: Why would you even do that? So I have to pay?

Anton: Looks like it, seeing as a random scumbag stole from poor Nicola.

Betty: She shouldn't be so stupid going out with some random chav.

Nicola: Fuck off you dyke!

Anton: Yeah Betty, she's been through a traumatic experience and you're showing no sympathy. All Nicola wants is a nice man in her life that will provide for her and protect her!

Nicola: No I don't, I just want fit cock to be honest.

Betty: (sarcastically) Aww, poor Nicola!

Taxi Driver: You owe me 8 pound, guys. (MORE)

59. (CONT'D)

Anton: Alright, calm down mate. Betty give the man some money.

Betty: Fine! (Looks through her purse) All I have is 2.76.

Anton: What the fuck?! This is ridiculous. How are we going to pay the man?

Betty: I don't know.

Anton: Run!

ANTON jumps out of the taxi and runs away.

Betty: (shouting out of the window) Anton, you dick, he knows where you live! You gave him your real address!

ANTON keeps running and disappears into the darkness.

Taxi Driver: Well he's put you in the shit ladies.

Betty: He's not with us, honest.

Taxi Driver: Whatever love! Give me the 8 pound.

Betty: We don't have it.

(MORE)

60. (CONT'D)

Nicola: Shit, what are we going to do?

Betty: Frank do you have any money?

FRANK groans, still semi-conscious.

Nicola: Look in his pockets.

Betty: Stealing money from an unconscious man, I think this might be a low point.

Nicola: I've had lower.

BETTY searches for Frank's wallet, but can't find one. All she finds is 1.36 in his back pocket.

Betty: Shit! Don't either of them have any money!

Nicola: Allow this.

Betty: (to the TAXI DRIVER) Look, we don't have any money. Is there anything else we can do? Could you leave us your details then we can give you the money at a later date?

Taxi Driver: Nah, you're gonna have to pay me now.

Betty: But we don't have any money.

(MORE)

61. (CONT'D)

Taxi Driver: Too bad, you're gonna have to pay me somehow.

Betty: What can we do then?

Taxi driver: (To BETTY, pointing at NICOLA) Get off with her.

Nicola: Me? I ain't no dyke!

Taxi Driver: Well looks like you ain't leaving the car then.

Betty: I don't have a problem with that.

Nicola: Course you don't, you probably fancy me.

Betty: No offence, but you're not my type.

Nicola: What do you mean? You'd probably kiss anyone.

Betty: Not you.

Nicola: Why not?

Taxi Driver: Oi, ladies, stop bickering and start kissing.

(MORE)

62. (CONT'D) Betty: How long for?

Taxi Driver: About half a minute, with tongue.

Betty: Then the debt will be wiped off?

Taxi Driver: Yeah, no problem.

Betty: Great, come on then.

BETTY places her hand on the side of NICOLA's head.

Nicola: What are you doing?

Betty: I'm putting my hand on your face - that's how I kiss.

Nicola: Look no hand placing. Just fucking kiss me and get it out of the way.

Betty: Fine then.

BETTY and NICOLA start kissing each other, starting off fairly aggressively, but getting more sensual towards the end. BETTY stops kissing NICOLA and turns to the TAXI DRIVER. NICOLA looks completely turned on.

Betty: (to TAXI DRIVER)You happy then?

(MORE)

63. (CONT'D) Taxi Driver: Yeah man, that was sick.

Betty: Brilliant, so we can go then?

Taxi Driver: Yeah man, definitely after that.

Betty: Good. Nicola help me with Frank (NICOLA doesn't reply, still turned on by the kiss). You going to help me then?

Nicola: Oh yeah, sorry.

BETTY and NICOLA grab FRANK and drag him out of the taxi.

Taxi Driver: Thanks for the show ladies.

Betty:

Pervert!

BETTY and NICOLA drag FRANK to the flat as the taxi drives off.

SCENE 13

64.

INT. ANTON'S FLAT. BETTY AND NICOLA ENTER. ANTON IS PANTING AND LEANING ON THE DINING TABLE.

Anton: (panting) Why didn't you run with me?

Betty: I wasn't leaving Frank on his own!

BETTY and NICOLA carry FRANK into his bedroom.

Anton: Why not? the same!

He would've done

NICOLA walks back into the lounge, followed shortly afterwards by BETTY.

Betty: He's not a heartless bastard like you!

Anton: Why are you getting pissy with me?

Betty: You ran away from the taxi, leaving me and Nicola to deal with the fare.

Anton: Did you deal with it then?

Betty: Yes.

Anton: Good, no harm done.

(MORE)

65. (CONT'D) Betty: You really are a pathetic man!

BETTY walks back into the Franks bedroom and closes the door behind her.

Anton: Dyke.

NICOLA is sitting on a chair in the lounge still obviously turned-on and shocked by the kiss.

Anton: Soooo, no harm done then?

NICOLA stays quiet.

Anton: Are you annoyed with me too?

NICOLA remains quiet.

Anton: Look I'm really sorry babes, it wasn't my fault. I blame Betty, she -

NICOLA suddenly stands up and kisses ANTON.

Anton: What was that for?

Nicola: Just shut up and fuck me. I need you right now.

66.

NICOLA kisses ANTON again.

Nicola: Come on.

NICOLA walks into ANTON's bedroom.

Anton: (delighted) I knew it! All along!

ANTON starts stripping off as he walks into the bedroom.

-Ends -