The Friday Aggravate 4th August 2006

A Bit of Useless information

A snail can sleep for three years. (Pity they didn’t do it all together.)
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (Some humans must be related.)
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to
6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end
because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6
months waiting at red lights. (At the rate they are being installed in Tasmania, we
will to.)
Leonardo DaVinci invented the scissors. ( Now isn’t that something to get cut up
about.)
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite! (Damn and Blast.)
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. (You just forget where you put
them.)
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. (Now I know why you are
a poor type.)
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a
chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
There are more chickens than people in the world. (Eat more drum sticks and
chicken wings.)
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men. (Most of the time batting them at the
boys.)

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there
for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The
bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

"In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that
joke, sir, I think it is only fair... given that you are blind, that you should know
five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde
girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The
woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter. 5. The lady to
your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously,
Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah, Not if I'm
gonna have to explain it five times."

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 Little Johnny goes into the kitchen and says to
his mum "Why is Granma lying asleep on the sofa
naked with a prawn between her legs?" His now
shocked mother says "Err... what did you say?"
Johnny again says "Why is Granma lying asleep on
the sofa with a prawn between her legs?" Curious
she goes and takes a look and finds nana asleep
on the sofa naked. She says to Johnny "that's not
a PRAWN! It's a clitoris!" Johnny says "Well it sure
tastes like a prawn..."

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found head butted to death in a French football
stars apartment... Police said it was murder on Zidane's floor.

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state,
her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years,
with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a
very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer
was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It
was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid
anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially
ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of
steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him
certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and
informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for
sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and
investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband
was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and
blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all
my business!"

That's when she shot him.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by
St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is
granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone. The
second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

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The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini..." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he
asks. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm
sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St.
Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No
sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6
months."

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he
spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop who was standing off to the side,
waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here
for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out,
grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how
come you get the BIG MONEY, when you and me is doing basically the same
work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the

mechanic "What did he say?" He said "Try to do it
when the engine is running".

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently,

the Aussie Prime Minister, John Howard, ardent
royalist and general arse kisser, turned to the Queen
and said, "As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of
changing how my great country is referred to, and
I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom." The Queen
replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but to be a Kingdom,
you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a
King."

John Howard thought a while and then said, "How about a Principality then?" To
which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince--and
you're not a Prince, Mr. Howard."

Howard thought long and hard and came up with, "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied, "Sorry again, Mr. Howard,
but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you are not an
Emperor."

Before Howard could utter another word, The Queen said, "I think you're doing
quite nicely as a Country."

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed
someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and
Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said,
"Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician
rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that
was rather strange.

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Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body
and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him
over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you
tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two arseholes." "What? He had two arseholes?!"
said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we
went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two arseholes."

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up

from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His
wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "Where
are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm
going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning

herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on
her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says,
"Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going
to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a
tetanus shot."

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, says, "Where in the hell have you
been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What
kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were
you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an
accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play
with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of
you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred
bucks anytime you want." Larry is recovering at the Hospital.

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for

a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said,
"Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to
Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent
my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I
do?"

"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came
home a Christian.." Perhaps we should go see the Rabbi. So they did, and they
explained their problem to the Rabbi.

"Funny you should ask," said the Rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also
came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"

And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their

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prayer, a voice came from the heavens:

"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my son to Israel...."

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a

Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman
behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a
bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the sales lady.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than
one type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she
showed a sea of bras in every shape, size,
colour and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to
choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist
types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is
about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
Send this to all that will appreciate it!
Oh! They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!

A recent research study shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

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The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both
have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and
you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex
has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you
pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun
at night.

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to
court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex

You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

Beer, Fishing, Golf & Sex

A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for
dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my
time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man
asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

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"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?"
the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going
to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing
that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks
like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

An elderly Chinese woman had two large

pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which
she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other

pot was perfect and always delivered a full
portion of water.
At the end of the long walk from the stream to
the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the

woman bringing home only one and a half pots
of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable
that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman
one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out
all the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the
path, but not on the other pot's side?"
"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds
on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the
table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to
grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have
that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in
them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell
the flowers on your side of the path!

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“The Laird”

Sir Loyne of Beaffe’s Ladder To Success:

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the
clouds.

He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there
before. Curious and brave, he began to climb.

Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying
there on a cloud.

She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing.

He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb.

On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad a figure.

She stated: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the
next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success...she huskily whispered.

Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next
level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.

Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound,
6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward
Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers! "Who

are you?"

The Biker Answers..."I'm Cess."

Bet I know who is going to get a

rev out of this image. That damn’d
rabbit just seems to keep popping
up.

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 In fact this is the third time that I know of that Lola
Bunny has found her way in to my life.

There is yet another image of the beguiling rabbit astride

a tree branch, or a mangrove root, no matter which one,
and it came with the caption of “Designed to keep the
rabbit population in check.” What ever that might mean.

Another week passes by and it is time to start looking for

new material for next weeks little presentation.

Just keep the emails coming with good tales, yarns or

stories for other to laugh, cry over or just shake their
heads in disbelief.

Regards from the “Old Goat”