complete and will, Weeks says, enable them to

meet market demand when it reappears.

So that meant us and me, my works, my
friends, really a third of my life gone…
Its easier to say it using the companies’ words
but everyone knew something was coming, the
price of fuel for the kilns escalating even faster
than the fuel for our cars.
The fact that sales of bricks were dwindling
because no one was building anything because
no one can get any credit which is finally
something to do with America and the printing
of dollar bills.
Building materials suppliers Hanson UK are
Personally I think “they” should just print loads
proposing to close a kiln at their Castle Cement
more by investing in more money factories, you
works in Ketton, mothball the Accrington brick
know ones that can print dollar bills really fast
factory and close their Swillington plant. The
then there will be loads of money for everyone,
company has entered a period of consultation
but I don’t really think I’ve understood money
with all those workers affected.
and economics yet and most probably never
Brick sales have fallen 40% in the last 18
will.
months
Some 35 people at Ketton are at risk, while the
mothballing of Accrington will cost up to 80
jobs. The factory will continue with a skeleton
staff.
The closures are down to the near collapse of
the house building market, Hanson spokesman
David Weeks told buildersmerchantsjournal.net.
"We are a demand-led business. If we have no-
one buying our products then we cannot go on
making them and still remain a viable
business."
The company will also be cutting shifts at other
work sites.
"Demand for cement has fallen 20%. Brick
sales have dropped between 30 and 40% in 18 Despite my best attempts I cant seem to find
months," Weeks continued. anything about the history of the place, I know
There is a fine line between doing what is vital they built the place we use now around the time
for the survival of the business in the short-term Mick “Alf” Brayford came just after The
and ensuring that the company can react when Second World War but I also know there was
the market picks up again, Weeks said. "We another one there before that and probably
know it will return, the problem is that we don't another one going well back into medieval
know when and even the best industry times.
commentators can't predict when the pick-up I would guess there will be a super plant there
will begin." at sometime in the future but I expect there is a
Hanson are investing in a new state-of-the-art lot of financial uncertainty to come, I myself
brick plant at Measham in Leicestershire which reckon there has been some sort of cosmic shift
will be the most advanced in Europe when it is in human consciousness, I reckon money is

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becoming well worthless, just figures stored on most of it and take the f***ing piss out of each
a server somewhere. other for the last month ha only joking.
I told one of our company captains in high Some great people here (even the manager’s
ranks above even N-man that maybe there aren’t that bad ha-ha) and that dopey git in the
money was safer being bricks on the yard, well office on the front desk always keeps the fun
its got to be safer than being in a bank! going and makes people laugh, yes Mad Mick
I have also put quite a number of vids, four new that is you.
ones in addition to the ones already there about Its going to be weird for all you guys who have
Sue leaving on YouTube, you can watch them been here 10, 20, 30 and even 40 years which is
all at my you tube site; quite an achievement lads so be proud of
http://uk.youtube.com/MPSchofield and then yourselves for that!!!!!
there is my blog at
http://madmickstories3.blogspot.com/ and of
course my main site at www.madmickstories
where you can read about my depths of
alcoholic life to my previous incarnation at
Sellers Engineers and the newsletters I did for
them in the late nineties.
I highly recommend my main index at
http://www.madmickstories.com/OldIndex.html
which lists everything by name in chronological
order.
I don’t really know where I am going from here
yet, I aint got a firm vision of it yet but I
wouldn’t of minded working for the Elite
Personnel Recruitment Specialists I went to
visit I thought I was in heaven.
Yoda always says the future is in motion… and
it is its changing by our thoughts we feel today.
Anyway that’s enough from me I now want to
hand it over to Anakin…
now then.
its going to be a serious bit from me this month.
Been a sad week this week for all of us here there has been so many funny times I have not
with the unfortunate news of us shutting down, got enough time to write them all down
once we all heard that a meeting had been The time with turkey up on the setter with "told
called I think the majority were expecting a 3 donkey" is up there with the best, plus some of
month lay off so when the news finally came the bull shit Father Bell or dopey comes out
that it was going to be permanent it shocked a with, I think he is trying to convince his-self
few. (Not as big of a shock as The Baby Face half the time with some of the stuff he comes
Assassin turning up last week without a tash) out with. From the time Sue (Marci’s lover)
I am the person who has been here the shortest tried to kill me by hurling a few kitchen
time and I’m going to miss the place so I can’t appliances at me, don’t think she liked my
imagine what its like for the rest of you. It’s opinion on her cooking but oh well.
going to be weird walking out of here that last The Christmas parties were hilarious with the
day knowing we won’t be coming back, its sad. older lot getting shown up by us younger lads,
The banter we all have here is one off we wont Badger losing his coat, choky with chalk all
find this again in any new jobs so let’s make the over his face and pegs all over his clothes to

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smiths getting an eye full of Nak’s daughter in The Children’s TV Presenter has decided what
China 2 years ago ha. he is doing; he is going to push dead bodies
Would just like to clear one more thing up for around in the morgue, good luck The Children’s
Arthur Daley as well regarding Christmas TV Presenter
parties I found you at the chippy and I did not So thanks Anakin, so has I start turning off my
walk there with you, you was already there systems and databases and start applying for
asleep slumped up outside the chippy wall, jobs I think its easy now, you just upload a CV
people was walking past him and throwing lose on to one and write some sort of cover letter,
change in his direction plenty of help if you Google either.
Its come at a good time for rubber has the You then upload these and fire them off but be
redundancy because he was running out of careful when sending multiple copies though I
excuses he had to go back to the start of his list sent my first ten with “referances” spelt wrong.
of reasons to go get a sick note. Then another batch I sent resulted in a posh
Would just like to wish Mr Blobby good luck in lady looking for a directors PA and asking me
his new job in the role of the hippo of the silent about my typing speed, I politely told her I was
night advert, good luck bob, we should all take real slow and made loads of mistakes.
a leaf out off workaholic bobs attitude to work She politely said she wouldn’t be taking my
because surely from the millions he has won on application any further this time but wished me
poker nights in the beach in Skipsea he could lots of luck.
retire but the lad has decided to work.
Redundancy Word Search
ADVERSITY
AGENCIES
BABYFACEASSASSIN
BARIUM
CHILLI
CITIZENADVICE
CRYING
CURRICULUMVITAE
DEPRESSION
GOALS
GOODBYE
HIPOPERATION
INTERVIEWS
JOBSEEKER
LITTLEGENERAL
MELDREWWELDING
NEWBEGGINING
ONIONBHAGI
PEPPER
PODON
POOR
POSITIVEATTITUDE
REFERANCES
RESUME
RETIREMENT
SAINBURIES
SAMARITANS
SEVERANCEPAY
SEXYTASH
SICKNOTE
SKINT
SUICIDE
TESCOS
TITANIUM
TODDYBUSKING
UNDERPANTS
UNHAPPY

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All over a Missing Salt
pot
Jokes
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin
pub all day and most of the night celebrating St
Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, 'you’ll not be drinking
anymore tonight Paddy’.
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way
then’.
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.
He falls flat on his face.
'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the
stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat
on his face,
Shoite,
Shoite!
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself
that if he can just get to the door and some fresh
air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to
the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep
breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a
step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his
face.
'Bi-Jesus.... I'm fockin’ focked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down,
and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the
door frame, opens the door and shimmies
inside.
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He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No
fockin' way'.
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and
says 'I can make it to the bed.'
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on
his face.
He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into
the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get
up Paddy.
Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.
Paddy says, 'I did Jess.
I was fockin' pissed.
But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at
the pub
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking
through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a
hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the
cave and listened closely until he heard an
answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the
cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the
remaining Indian what it was all about, ‘Was
the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during
mating season when Indian men see cave, they
holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening. If they get an answer back, it means
there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped,
and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the
opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods
alone for a while, and then spied a third large
cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of
the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man!
Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than
those the Indians found. There must be some
really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered
with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, 2.00 Sales 2007 vs Sales 2008

he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOO, 1.80

1.60
WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' 1.40
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, 1.20
1.00
he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as 0.80
he ran. 0.60
0.40
The following day, the headline of the local 0.20
newspaper read........... 0.00

You'll like this

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NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY Sales 2007 Sales 2008

TRAIN!!! Looking at the graph above there is a slight

Statistics increase during the month of September; maybe
Wk Com Produced Sold Trans Stock there could be salvation for us after all?
25/Aug 355,460 257,000 27,648 18,401,268 The most bricks shifted during a day while I have
01/Sep 456,192 328,890 18,583,160 been at The Lost World were on 8th August 2008
08/Sep 450,432 247,980 18,734,072 with a total of 213,768 but this was helped by the
15/Sep 458,496 216,324 18,947,212 transfers to Waingroves, the highest in actual
22/Sep 453,120 181,276 19,133,464 sales was 1st March 2007 with 160,978
29/Sep 419,796 225,076 19,332,324
Last mth pos Name Quantity
The continuing decline in sales is still obvious; > 1 1 73 Class B 261,120
no sudden increase is on the horizon to save the > 2 2 73 City Mlti 135,552
day ▲ 5 3 65 Golden Brwn 74,128
Sep-08 ▲ 22 4 65 Riding Rus 55,144
P L T Name Total ▲ 7 5 65 Victorian 50,624
▲ 8 1 Harry Potter 136,393 ▲ 21 6 65 Red Rustic 43,844
▲ 6 2 Keith Chicken 79,628 ▲ 18 7 73 Farmhse Brwn 40,320
> 3 3 Stumpy 49,341 ▼ 6 8 65 Rydale WC 39,324
▲ 20 4 Tim Terapin 47,624 ▲ 24 9 65 Red SF 38,420
> 5 4 Wurzel 45,553 ▲ 12 10 65 Farmhse Brwn 37,968
▲ 16 5 Jason Rudge 28,492 The best selling brick this month was of course
▲ 19 6 Hotpot 28,376 The Class B with “Ridings Rustic” being the
>> NE 7 Trevor / Dixons 22,952 highest climber
▲ 12 8 Ian Archers 20,792 and this is where I
▼ 7 9 Deuce Bigalow 20,756
will leave the
▲ 27 10 Bruce Forcythe 20,206
statistics and
Harry Potter is our No1 driver this month easily
indeed a era of
but during the year to date for 2008 he holds
Brick making at
steady at No3 with a total of 670,079 bricks
Swillington which
shifted. No1 for 2008 was of course Stumpy with
stretches back into
989,686 and Wurzel was close in his shadow at
the realms of the
No2 with 829,554, no doubt having lost a couple
distant past when
of loads due to being banged up for the hammer
there wasn’t so
incident which Harry Potter told everyone about.
many health and
Harry said he shed a few tears when he heard
safety laws and
about the demise of The Lost World especially
companies could
when he was at the time watching my nostalgic
breathe more easily.
videos on you tube.
So what’s next oh yes with all the talk of CV’s
going on myself, The Beast and Billy Bull have
worked hard together to produce this example
5of8
and might prompt some ideas for you to do one Watching wildlife, Grave Rubbins, Men possibly
of your own at home… women, my dog, pork pies, lamb curries and ball
Personal details room dancing
Name: Pauline Andrea Morton
Referees
Address: 64 Back Passage Close, Clachuddersfax
Excellent communication skills
Date of Birth: 6/6/66
Dolph Lungren who I love so much what a big
Nationality: Jedi
hunky feller
Marital Status: Single (No Offers)
The N Man who reminds me of Simon Cowell
Driving License:Full (Mucky) UK Driving licence
So the end has finally arrived, I must admit
Education & Qualifications having only been at The Lost World 3 years I
I left school at 16 to learn life in the real world don’t feel as much of the nostalgia that some
becoming a free lance investigator of substances
must do, I mean Alf has worked here for a
staggering 47 years, there wont be many in the
that can change ones consciousness. I then future who will top that record.
managed to blow myself up on my motorbike and I think the thing I will miss most is the banter, I
spend 13 weeks in Pinderfields Burns unit, during have had some great laughs here and I reckon
that time I was educated by angels what the afterlife
the person I will miss most has got to be old
Oswald Cobblepot, I even approached him
was like and learned astral travel by Dripping Tap about remaining in contact and the possibility
my personal guardian angel. of coming to his house for dinner say every
I then started watching Star Wars quite a lot and got alternate Sunday. Sadly Oswald doesn’t share
a job at Sellers a local engineering works which my
my affection and refused point blank to even
entertain the idea.
dad worked for which prompted me to start writing a
silly newsletter for them, during my 9 years there I
Interview with Baby Face
had one son called Luke to a girl who was strong Assassin
with the force called the Ice Queen, here I learned a
lot about biology and psychology.
I went completely nuts at the turn of the millennium
and suffered my second knock on heavens door but
was kindly rescued from the abyss by a kind strong
minded lady called The Welsh Windbag. Oh no
that’s me, sorry,
No Education Sorry

Work Experience
Marshalls / Hansons, Just enough to get by
2 years on streets of Chapeltown (after dark)!!
Hobbies, Interests, Skills
Excellent communication skills
6of8
I was born in Israel on the 18th day in April of
the year of our lord 1959 and I moved to
Garforth near Leeds when I was very young.
In 1983 I started work in the Yard at The Lost
World and was initially working with Kenny
Wallace and Trevor Monks, these two
individuals showed me the way, they
introduced me to the ways of the force and I
took my first steps into a much larger world.
Back in them days I had hair and had just
started work growing my sexy tash, eventually I
had to leave my kindergarten behind and move
inside the works while all the dingly dongs
were on the B shift.
Over the years at Swillington I think things
have changed, I mean things do change, that’s
what life is about, some things however remain
the same, when I first started here I was told
about the imminent arrival of a brand new
factory, some 24 years later and guess what we
are still waiting.
Before I started work here I had quite a number
of jobs, I was in the brownies, I had a nice
paper round and I used to do a bit of welding
but it kept burning my sexy tash so I retired
from work and came here.
I reckon my best memories while I have
worked here was when I opened a tin of beans
for the legendary Sue and in return she gave me
{CENSORED} and a full breakfast for free and
on that same day Claude Greengrass bought
rubber a carton of milk, though I don’t know
what the last statement has to do with anything
My worst memory has got to be changing on to
day shifts, Oswald Cobblepot having his hip
operation and losing my sexy tash.
My best mates here are and always will be
Claude, Riddeon (who is going to be a
policeman) and of course reliable rubber
because I spend more time with them than
anyone else and I am always carrying them.
The person nearest to me are Dan (Anakin) and
Bob “Rolfie” Smilie who are busy arguing as I
write this about Chilli and pepper, apparently
the other day Rolfie put pepper on Anakins
breakfast knowing full well he doesn’t like
pepper, anyway to get his own back Anakin
filled the pepper pot up with Chilli powder and
this condiment Rolfie put a plentiful amount on
his breakfast this morning and the subsequent
bickering has been continuing for some time.
My Foreman is Father Ding Dong who I reckon
is a slack dopey git, in the past I have had Ernie
Capper and Nigel Haines, the thing I like most
about my foreman is when he is away on
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Holiday and the thing I dislike most about him
is when he is at work.
If I won the lottery tomorrow, first I would hire
a hit man then go on a spending spree, take our
gaz and our mel away to buy a new bike to
annoy Billy and The Beast with. I would buy a
big house in the country in Wales and a new car
and then I would buy a pub and employ rubber
robbo.
Life after Death, this is it isn’t it, here at The
Lost World and yes my nicknames are “The
Sorcerer Of The Labels Paradox”, “Rico”,
“Ime” and my favourite “Baby Face Assassin”.
Music oh I love Floyds “Another Brick In The
Wall”, “Comfortably Numb” they are my two
favourite songs, I like The Ronnie Song, I like
ABBA, Madonna, Kylie, Boyzone, Pondlife
sorry Westlife, and The Cheeky Girls.
My hobbies are Motorbikes, horse riding, DIY,
Gardening, I feel honoured to say I have the
best garden on the row, but I have had a few
problems with the council and the other day I
had to write a letter to them because I aint got
my brown bin back yet.
I am married 25 years and loving it and I have
children my duties here at Swillington are* the
only lad on dehacker who is awake and am the
main cover on the setter, I also like to think I
am a really nice chap and keep those around me
happy.
*was written before “Judgement Day” hence
here would of probably said “were”.
So that’s it then, the end or is it? Some have
mentioned a final Jungle Telegraph to have
some closing words for many do not feel free to
express themselves yet.
If this does occur and I guess that depends if
anyone comes forward with things to say, so
finally we get to the gossip and well Has
anyone ever noticed that everything has gone
crazy since they switched that big bang
machine on, all the money has become well not
safe, to have because where can you put it that
it can be safe, why not buy bricks?
Only they haven’t and has a result we are
closing, Arthur Daley was the first to be
headhunted and got two interviews the first at
Milgarth police station and second is at
Heathrow customs and excise. Pod on and Billy
Bull are looking for volunteers for their “Full laugh, so we were all well aware of the
Monte” stripper club. precipice.
Even old Oswald who had endeavoured to get
back to work on the day when the news was
announced and having just had his bionic rhino
hip installed has sent his CV off to the
headquarters of Big Issue Sellers UK.
It was that day that one of the men from the
higher echelons of the company shrouded from
my view by clouds gave me 5p, but he said that
the 5p was symbolic.
Stumpy told The Office a great Joke to try and
make us feel better, he said,
There were these Irish, Australian and
Liverpudlian blokes and they see Jesus in a pub
and they each buy him a pint, anyway after
presumably drinking his beer Jesus shakes each
by the hand…
The Australian makes a miraculous recovery
from the bad back he is having and can not
believe it!
Next the Irish man who is crippled with MS Ojibwa Prayer
was miraculously cured after being next to Oh Great Spirit, whose voice I hear in the winds
shake Jesus’ hand. And whose breath gives life to everyone,
The Liverpudlian backed off exclaiming Hear me. I come to you as one of your many
“F***off I’m on disability”, something like that children; I am weak, I am small, I need your
though it broke the ice on our sombre state as wisdom and your strength.
did when the farmers dog appeared in our yard Let me walk in beauty, and make my eyes ever
and someone suggested it should have eyeviz, behold the red and purple sunsets. Make my
bumpcap and glasses. hands respect the things you have made,
We eventually got our “at risk” letters 4 days and make my ears sharp so I may hear your
after we were told that the factory was shutting voice. Make me wise, so that I may understand
of course we could put two and tow together what you have taught my people and
and work out we were at risk of redundancy. The lessons you have hidden in each leaf and
And even though I try and live in the moment each rock. I ask for wisdom and strength,
Victor Meldrew says we will arrange to have a Not to be superior to my brothers, but to be able
reunion for the three peaks walk next year on to fight my greatest enemy, myself.
the same day that they run it, which will be Make me ever ready to come before you with
good, here have you heard about the blind man clean hands and a straight eye, So as life fades
who did a bungee jump, he thought it was great away as a fading sunset,
but his poor guide dog sh*t himself. My spirit may come to you without shame.
I have tried my best to offer my CV typing
service and have so far only had offers for my
free service from the most desperate of
individuals such has Oswald, Father Bell, The
Farmers Dog and Gandalf.
Sales have continued to dwindle, one day when
I asked Arthur what we had sold and he replied
400 Labert and 200 regal, which made us all
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