Keywords

Oneofgreatest,vainestlittlepleasuresofhavingablog–well,oneofmineanyway–ischeckingyourstatistics.Youcanseehowmanypeoplehavebeenreadingandsoon,andwasteapleasanthalfhourwonderingwhetherthatIPaddressattheBBCissomeonewhoisabouttocommissionyouto,Idon’tknow,dowry,sidewayslookatEurope’sbestteashops.Therearefewthings,however,asdeflatingasrealisingthatthemajorityofyourreadersareonlytherebyaccident,momentarilydivertedfromtheirsearchfordirtyBelgianhousewivesorthenearestwafflestandindowntownMinneapolisanddisappearingsecondslaterindisgustwhentheyfailtofindwhattheywant.Thecompensationscome,though,inthekeywordsearches,alistofthetermspeoplehavetypedintoGooglethatledthemtomyblog.Thefollowingareallauthentic.IfIhadthatkindofimagination,Iwouldn’tbealawyer.

 Albinoclawedtoadandhowtocurebloating

Manyofmysearchtermshaveaveterinaryangle.Ihavenoveterinaryqualifications.Maybeyoucouldstickapininit?

Drywaffleskin

Ican'tdecidewhetherdrywaffleskinwouldmakeabetterpairofmediumheight,blockheeledcourtshoes,oracapacious,no-nonsensehandbag.

Rabbit'smilkcheese

Hereweareinavegetarianrestaurantrunbyabunchofprovenancemadfoodbores.Thefullmenuentryreads“sustainablysourcedrabbit'smilkcheesefroma

Wiltshiresmallholding”.

Penisstump

Hmm.ForsomereasonIamfixatedonthisbeingagoodnameforaracehorse,butI'mopentoothersuggestions.

Shinysardineorgan

IthinkShinySardineOrganareaprogressivejazztrio.ProbablyfromLeuven,orMaastricht.

DogwithopposablethumbsBelgium

Ah,thelegendofthedogwithopposablethumbs.TheyspeakofhiminhushedtonesthebarsaroundtheGrandPlace.He’sasbigasafamilysalooncar,withagripofsteel.

CharlotteGainsbourgclitorisforum

Iwasgoingtosay“hermothermustbesoproud”,buthermother’sJaneBirkin,sosheprobablyis.

Isitwrongtolookatnakedwomen?

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Thisisoddlytouching.Poor,lostsoul,youshouldnotbeontheinternetunsupervised.Letmeexplain.Itisnotwrongtolookatnakedwomen,no.Itiswrongtohideintheirgardens,peeringinthroughtheirwindowsastheyemergefromtheshower,amassivetelephotolensinyoursweatyclaws.Isthatallclearnow?

Areokapisfertile?

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Onewouldassumetheyare.Otherwisewheredookapiscomefrom?Istheresomethingyou’renottellingme?LifeishardenoughwithouthavingtowonderiftheokapiisinfactaCIAplot.

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CorkscrewtailScottishterrierbackproblems?

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Yes.IfyouattachacorkscrewtoaScottishterrier'stail,Icanseethatitmightleadtobackproblemsforthepoorcreature.Ifyouareabsolutelyinsistent,canIsuggestyouchooseabasicwaiter'sfriend,ratherthanoneofthosethingsshapedlikeafishfromtheConranShop?Theyweighatonne.

Unicorneatingchicory

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No.Ithinkyouhavebeenmisinformed.UnicornseatsunlightanddrinkElemisSupersoakbubblebath.

Zombieseatingchicory

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Yeah,thatsoundsalotmoreplausible.

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Tarantulajuggling

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Youknow,Icouldbepersuaded.They'requitecuddlyandprobablyquiteslow,sogoodforlearnerjugglers.IwouldliketostatefortherecordthatIdonotcondone