Keywords

One of greatest, vainest little pleasures of having a blog well, one of mine anyway is checking your statistics. You can see how many people have been reading and so on, and waste a pleasant half hour wondering whether that IP address at the BBC is someone who is about to commission you to, I dont know, do wry, sideways look at Europes best tea shops. There are few things, however, as deflating as realising that the majority of your readers are only there by accident, momentarily diverted from their search for dirty Belgian housewives or the nearest waffle stand in downtown Minneapolis and disappearing seconds later in disgust when they fail to find what they want. The compensations come, though, in the keyword searches, a list of the terms people have typed into Google that led them to my blog. The following are all authentic. If I had that kind of imagination, I wouldnt be a lawyer. Albino clawed toad and how to cure bloating Many of my search terms have a veterinary angle. I have no veterinary qualifications. Maybe you could stick a pin in it? Dry waffle skin I can't decide whether dry waffle skin would make a better pair of medium height, block heeled court shoes, or a capacious, no-nonsense handbag. Rabbit's milk cheese Here we are in a vegetarian restaurant run by a bunch of provenance mad food bores. The full menu entry reads sustainably sourced rabbit's milk cheese from a

Wiltshire smallholding. Penis stump Hmm. For some reason I am fixated on this being a good name for a racehorse, but I'm open to other suggestions. Shiny sardine organ I think Shiny Sardine Organ are a progressive jazz trio. Probably from Leuven, or Maastricht. Dog with opposable thumbs Belgium Ah, the legend of the dog with opposable thumbs. They speak of him in hushed tones the bars around the Grand Place. Hes as big as a family saloon car, with a grip of steel. Charlotte Gainsbourg clitoris forum I was going to say her mother must be so proud, but her mothers Jane Birkin, so she probably is. Is it wrong to look at naked women? This is oddly touching. Poor, lost soul, you should not be on the internet unsupervised. Let me explain. It is not wrong to look at naked women, no. It is wrong to hide in their gardens, peering in through their windows as they emerge from the shower, a massive telephoto lens in your sweaty claws. Is that all clear now?

Are okapis fertile? One would assume they are. Otherwise where do okapis come from? Is there something youre not telling me? Life is hard enough without having to wonder if the okapi is in fact a CIA plot. Corkscrew tail Scottish terrier back problems? Yes. If you attach a corkscrew to a Scottish terrier's tail, I can see that it might lead to back problems for the poor creature. If you are absolutely insistent, can I suggest you choose a basic waiter's friend, rather than one of those things shaped like a fish from the Conran Shop? They weigh a tonne. Unicorn eating chicory No. I think you have been misinformed. Unicorns eat sunlight and drink Elemis Supersoak bubblebath. Zombies eating chicory Yeah, that sounds a lot more plausible. Tarantula juggling You know, I could be persuaded. They're quite cuddly and probably quite slow, so good for learner jugglers. I would like to state for the record that I do not condone

juggling under any circumstances. Cat performance beard See me after class. How to make a night fury cake? I've thought hard about this one, but I think the actual answer is that almost all my cakes are night fury cakes. Take 500g perfectionism, 750g misplaced ambition, 1kg of incompetence, 1 defective oven circa 1978, and houseful of edible glitter. Forget to buy any eggs. Voil. What to wear to a Havisham party? Oh, you know. Tears, decay, dust, trampled dreams and a rotting wedding dress. There's probably a Facebook group with handy hints. Bring me along next time, I'll fit right in. Capybara mating This recurs so frequently I have been compelled to investigate the subject. Well. Apparently the female capybara holds all the cards in capybara couplings. and can choose whether to mate simply by sitting in water and emitting a whistling noise through her nostrils. "If she does not wish to copulate with a certain individual, she can either submerge more deeply or exit the water entirely", the internet tells me. Since discovering this, I find myself. Moreover, the dominant male has a tricky time

keeping his females in line. "Because of the high speed of coupling and the low speed of the capybara" says my source, drily, "the dominant male cannot prevent all coupling by subordinates". Also of note: "breeding of capybaras has historically been difficult due to the high incidence of infanticide". Yes. I can see how that might be problematic. Lotion roofies So thats rohypnol in lotion form. And what do you do with that, exactly? Sneak up to some one in a bar and start surreptitiously MOISTURING them? You have not thought this through sufficiently. Awesome mustache flying waffle A moustache flying waffle would indeed be an awesome thing. Lizard karate As someone who has seen Belgian Mexican Wrestling, featuring the theatrical might of Shaolin from Charleroi, lizards doing martial arts seems a little tame to me. Basingstoke erotic I do not doubt it for a minute. But Mechelen has its moments too, I hear. Belgian feet sexy I have not got close enough to any to give a qualified opinion. However I can tell you that most of the people on my tram favour shoes that look as if they were dug up from an Iron Age settlement, given a cursory brush down, and worn on the morning commute. Slime coat on sausage in fridge

One can only hazard a guess at the kind of man sorry, person who, upon seeing that his or her! - sausage is coated in slime, chooses to look up what to do about it on Google. What are the macaroon style small round biscuits marks and spencer give with coffee and tea in its cafes? You have the infinite resources of the internet available to you, and THIS is what you want to know? I am saddened. I think theyre shortbread rounds, actually, not macaroons. Woman pees on a busy tram Well, good luck to her. I generally limit myself to fare dodging, but maybe I ought to expand my repertoire of minor public transport criminality. Japanese ladies remove armpit Too many questions. Their own? Each others? Why? Pictures of men swimming in water or mud wearing dirty wet shirt,tie,trousers and a opened jacket This is brilliantly specific. opened jacket. No! That man swimming in water or mud with a wet dirty shirt, tie and trousers is no good, because his jacket is buttoned! That RUINS it. What happens if dogs eat waffles As a veterinary expert, I can answer this one: nothing. Waffles torment me in my sleep I am familiar with this problem.

Dinner now fuck fuck fuck This person obviously lives in my head. Or indeed in my fridge where a packet of Herta frankenfurters and a cabbage I can only surmise dates from mid 2009 are terrorizing a couple of folorn Actimels. Colour of tortoise faeces I do, in fact, have extensive experience of tortoise faeces and I feel confident in telling you that the colour is the least of your worries. Women in puffa jackets wallpaper Its Designers Guild latest. Very popular apparently. Tentacle debauchery This is my favourite. And yet it makes me feel sort of inadequate. WHY cant I provide you with the tentacle debauchery you crave oh, single user in Ontario? Let me just conclude with a a keyword that is also a warning: Googling blue waffle and wishing you hadnt. Trust me. Theres a very good reason and what is seen cannot be unseen. Dont say I didnt warn you.