FatKwanDo By Isaac Selin

602.334.5295 sel06005@byui.edu

FADE IN: INT. WRESTLING ROOM - DAY A large man stands at the front of a room full of medium sized men. There are a few skinny guys there scattered throughout the room. NARRATOR (V.O.) Three times a week here in Rexburg, Idaho, these brave men and women gather together. You may notice that most are bigger than the average Joe or the Average Jane. Why? Because of a new sensation thats sweeping the nation. FatKwanDo. FATBELT What is Fat Kwan Do? Its probably the most dangerous martial art in existence. Its exhilarating. Its delicious. NARRATOR (V.O.) Their goal? The students sit on the mats. The Fatbelt walks around the room. He stops at a medium sized guy. FATBELT Stand up! The student stands up. NARRATOR (V.O.) To learn how to become dangerously fat. FATBELT What did you eat today? STUDENT I ate 7 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, two liters of soda, and two full bags of potato chips. FATBELT Thats pathetic! I ate that for breakfast! You! Fatbelt points at a skinny guy

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CONTINUED: FATBELT Stand up! The skinny guy stands up as Fatbelt walks to him. FATBELT You are pathetic! Whats wrong with you? SKINNYGUY I dont know sir. FATBELT Lift up your shirt. SKINNYGUY Yes Sir. Skinny guy lifts up his shirt. FATBELT That just makes me want to puke. Are you aware that you are grossly underweight? SKINNYGUY Yes sir! FATBELT How are we going to fix that? SKINNYGUY Eating more and moving less! FATBELT You dont have the calories to spare. Sit down! Im scared youre going to collapse and break in half. SKINNYGUY Yes Sir! FATBELT And put your shirt down, Youre making the whole room sick. He sits down. NARRATOR (V.O.) Some critics think it is unhealthy, but the leader of Fatkwando, known as Fatbelt, disagrees.

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CONTINUED: FATBELT We teach them to conserve energe so when they need it they have it. We also teach defensive techniques only useful to us BBWs. NARRATOR BBWs? Big Beautiful women? FATBELT (Glaring angrily) Big Bad-A Warriors. For instance, lets say you have a gun. Point the gun at me. Narator points a finger gun at Fatbelt FATBELT You done messed up now! Fatbelt leans forward and falls on the narrator whose screams of pain are muffled by fatbelt smothering him. All the students now lay on the ground. FATBELT Dont waste any calories. How do you turn the light on? STUDENTS Somebody turn on the light! All the students are now partnered up. One lays on the ground and the other holds a twinkie and stands on the others feet. FATBELT Whenever you use calories, be sure to replace them two fold! They do situps to twinkies and take a bite. NARRATOR (V.O.) The highest rank of third degree Fatbelt is held by Fatbelt himself. No other student has yet to achieve a fat belt, though one student is close. Chubs McCalory, or so they call him. STUDENT2 Im a blueberry pie belt. Thats the step before fatbelt.

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CONTINUED: NARRATOR And when do you think you will get the fatbelt? STUDENT2 Im not sure, i have a few more techniques to perfect but hopefully within the month I will be able to. INT. SWIMMING POOL - DAY

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The student is at the pool walking towards the diving board. NARRATOR (V.O.) In fact, we got a special glimpse at the training the he is involved in. He does a cannonball with a huge splash. NARRATOR (V.O.) Unfortunately, after a cannonball they needed to refill the pool. The student is drying himself off. STUDENT2 Well thats the best Ive done yet. Usually it takes me two or three connonballs before they make everyone get out. NARRATOR (V.O.) We went back to his house where he did some of the more intense training. INT. HOUSE - DAY Kid hooks up an iv in his arm and has corn syrup and maple syrup running through it. NARRATOR Is this viewed as an acceptable way of consuming calories? STUDENT2 Its not like Im taking sterroids or something. I decide how to take in the calories that I need to take in to become a fatbelt.

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NARRATOR Have you ever thought that getting fatter and fatter isnt the answer? STUDENT2 I havent felt so good in my life. I used to be scared whenever some jerk with a knife would steal my wallet. But not since I began studying with Fatbelt and his FatKwanDo Technique. NARRATOR So a man with a knife doesnt scare you? STUDENT2 what you dont believe me? NARRATOR I didnt say that. STUDENT Here. The student grabs a butter knife with peanut butter all over it to the narrator. STUDENT2 Ask me for my wallet NARRATOR Give me your wallet. The student leans forward and begins to fall on the narrator. NARRATOR Not agai... Again muffled SCREAMS are heard from unter the student. He finally rolls over and gets up. STUDENT2 I bet you wouldnt ever consider defending yourself when someone has a knife to you. NARRATOR Oh no.

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STUDENT2 What? The student looks at his belly where the knife handle can be seen. sticking out of his belly. STUDENT2 Oh thats fine. It doesnt hurt. I think its stuck in one of my outer layers of fat. Just leave it. Ill take it out later. But you see? fatKwanDo gave me confidence. INT. WRESTLING ROOM - DAY NARRATOR (V.O.) To sum it all up. We go to Fatbelt FATBELT This is not an art for the weak, or the brittle boned, or the skinny, or the diabetics. Its for the best of the best. There isnt a more dangerous art form in the world, except maybe tattooing a shark or something stupid like that. This is man vs. doubt, Man vs. Fear, Man vs. Calorie and heart attack vs. man. Its knocking on deaths door and saying. "Hey there Mr. Death. Come get me if you can!" Its like an extreme sport, but ten times more delicious!