Benjamin L. P.

Day
7742 Redlands St. Apt. D-3038 Playa Del Rey, CA 90293 E-Mail: Day.benjaminlp@gmail.com Phone: 515.509.1006

Screenplay Coverage Report

Title: Cinderella Rescues Prince Author: N/A Form: Screenplay Page Length: 105 Genre(s): Comdey, Romantic Comedy Location(s): Los Angeles, CA; Oklahoma; Malaga Spain Date: 12/11/2010 Read By: Benjamin Day Submitted by: Dale Noble Time Period(s): Present Day MPAA Rating: PG or PG-13 Budget: Low

Logline: Cindy (Cinderella) is desperate to find her prince to rescue her from small town life in Oklahoma. When an unexpected man gets stuck in town, she may have found her prince. Not the prince she expects, she runs away with him anyway and they both discover each isnt what they once thought. Overall: This screenplay needs some major improvements. The premise is quite simple and the execution isnt strong enough to overcome that fact. This is extremely evident in how the story flows and lack of strong threedimensional characters. Its best feature is that there are three defined acts, it just gets a bit confusing as the reader moves from one to another. Concept/Originality Plot/Storyline Characters Dialogue Structure Cinematic Value Excellent Good XXX Fair XX Needs Work

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Synopsis: Set in present day, in a rural town somewhere in Oklahoma, a waitress CINDY, works a dead end job, in desperate search of a prince to sweep her off her feet and rescue her. After being told by her FAIRY GODMOTHER that a prince would soon enter the picture, a man, who happens to be named PRINCE finds himself in this desolate town. Her Fairy Godmother warns her that the Prince, despite being a movie producer and son to the President of BANKS PICTURES, is going to need some work, hes a trust-fund baby with no sense of responsibly who is now broke and unemployed. After trying to escape this quite town, Prince finds himself deeply attracted to Cindy or Cinderella despite the fact that she wants nothing to do with him. Despite being madly in love with Cindy, Prince can only think about his friends back in Los Angeles making fun of him for picking up a country hick. Enter BORIS, the small town bar owner from Russia with a strong Russian accent. Boris is not happy that Prince is in town, but sees Prince as an opportunity to become his greatest fantasy, an old western movie star like John Wayne. Page: 1

Boris, tired of Prince in town and trying to steal Cindy away from him, sets Princes limo on fire and chases him down trying to eradicate him and his driver RUSH. Rush, finding a large mail van with a pumpkin roof picks up Cindy and Prince and whisks them back to Los Angeles. As Act II begins, Cindy finds herself in the Big City, Los Angles, like a fish out of the water, shes anywhere but home. Prince takes her to his beautiful castle of a home in Malibu where Cindy meets Princes uncle and flaky business partner, RIO GRANDE. Cindy is finding it very difficult understanding the language of the Big City. Rio, who thinks Cindy is his mail-order bride, makes countless attempts to prove that he is a better man and he will save her from the nutty man that is Prince. From beneath his balcony, both Rio and Cindy overhear Prince pretend proposing to Cindy. Rio confronts Prince and tells him that he is in love with Cindy, Prince puts up a fight, but per the usual, Prince backs down to his uncle. Meanwhile, Boris has also made his way to L.A. and finds the warehouse that Princes family owns. Here, he runs into CHARITY, the office manager for Banks Pictures. After trying to make Boris leave the warehouse, she finds herself tied up as Boris makes a plan to get rich by stealing cars at Princes upcoming birthday party. By the end of the scene, we see that Boris is finding a liking to Charity, his kupkake. Rio decides hes going to take Cindy to Spain, to meet his fans and start their honeymoon. Cindy finds herself disgusted by Rios every move and bored by his sorry attempt at impressing her by telling her about shooting his short film. Somehow, Rio convinces her to try on an extremely revealing dress while they are having dinner. Rio finally pulls her last straw by telling her that the dress she is wearing is actually that of a flamenco dancer at the nightclub they are at. Cindy decides shes over Rio and wants to go back to see her Prince. Moving into Act III, Cindy realizes she might actually have feelings for Prince despite is lack of intelligence and now money. However, when she returns to Malibu, she finds that Prince is no longer attracted to her. Cindy and Prince have a long drawn out dialogue where Cindy finally convinces Prince she truly loves him. This all comes to an abrupt end when Prince still cant get over the fact that Cindy is a small town girl and is afraid his friends will still make fun of him. After eavesdropping on their conversation, Rio, runs up to Cindy and makes one last attempt at winning her over. Meanwhile, Prince goes on a binge before his party to pick up some women. What Prince doesnt know is that Rio and Cindy are spying on him the entire time. After realizing L.A. women only want him for his money, Prince decides to go back to his castle until his party begins. Cindy, finally giving up on winning Princes love, decides she wants to end it all and walks into the ocean. Charity sees what she is doing and makes an attempt to stop her. Charity is able to convince Cindy that she and Prince need her in their lives. Once the party begins, Cindy decides shes going to tell Rio off once and for all, however, she gets into a fight with Rio and suddenly becomes the center of the party. Prince, watching from the distance, sees Cindy pushing a man away from her but interprets it as her making out with another man. When it finally seems like Cindy and Prince will never work, Fairy Godmother steps in one last time and tells Cindy that the Prince is insecure and even his friends are enemies. When Cindy confronts Prince for the final time, she sees all of Princes friends ridicule him relentlessly and decides to call him out on it. Cindy finally gets through to Prince and Prince is finally honest with Cindy. As with all fairytale endings, Prince makes up with Rio, finds out hes not broke anymore and the Prince finally sweeps Cindy off her feet. Cinderella gets rescued from her small town life in Oklahoma and Prince realizes he Page: 2

has to stand up for himself and gains the confidence he was always lacking.

Specific Comments:
Concept / Originality:

To be frank, this story is not very original. The concept is a story thats been told over and over for centuries. By page three, when the shiny blacked out limo is introduced, the story is already told, the passenger in the limo is Cindys prince, they arent going to get along (as stated by Fairy Godmother), some element (the one unknown) is going to really separate them, but as it is a fairytale; they will all live happily ever after, END. The story was over in three pages. The story of a small town girl wanting to be whisked away by a fairy prince is one of the oldest stories of all time. There needs to be something more original when it comes to Cindy, some element that makes her really stand out and identifiable as a character. To overcome a lack of originality, this screenplay needs to be extremely character driven. Right now, shes just like an other waitress in Anytown, USA and theres no reason to want her to have a prince, why is she alone? What happened in her past? What makes her the way she is? (More in Characters). Having Cindy be a more identifiable character could add some originality to this script. The same thing goes for Prince, Boris and Rio. Plot / Storyline:

The plot, as typical as it is, is probably one the stronger features of this screenplay. There are many structural issues however that make it very difficult to follow (which are mentioned below under Structure). Many times the storyline is simply too confusing to really be gripping or give any feeling of inticement. Its also way too unfocused to easily follow, there are too many side stories, without enough build up that simply becomes very distracting in the end. There are too many elements and entire scenes even left to the readers imagination. Both scenes and characters need a lot better descriptions. It was hard to imagine what was going on because too much was left out. This was especially evident with transitions, many times there would be a scene transition and it was too difficult to know what happened, how that character ended up where they did, because too much was left for assumption. Many scenes are simply hard to follow because the storyline isnt very clear at some points, out of focus. If certain scenes were set up a little stronger and with greater detail, it might be easier to follow. Take, for example, on pg. 8 when explains Vicky Lynn, not knowing Prince is under a spell, but that is never brought up again, nor was it explained earlier. It leaves the reader wondering if Prince was under a spell, how come it never gets brought up again and why was it only mentioned once? Then, going further with the spell thing, theres a point where it appears that Cindys outfit changes into a Cinderella outfit, this whole scene needs to be addressed and at the very least, more details added, its very confusing. On pg. 14, in the scene with Boris, stopping the limo on horseback, theres a point where it states Boris grabs the money, but there really isnt anything earlier mentioning money the limo. This is a key point, Boris is taking the money from Prince, yet everything is so scattered, if close attention wasnt being paid, it would get totally overlooked. The money seems to come out of nowhere and the significance of Boris taking that money is totally lost. There needs to be more details surrounding the money if its going to get brought up like that. Page: 3

If the mail/postal van/jeep has a pumpkin top because the pumpkin Cindy has at the beginning of the screenplay turns into this vehicle, than that definitely needs to be more clearly defined. Its just confusing that it states the vehicle having a pumpkin top multiple times, yet theres never a scene where the pumpkin turns into this vehicle. On pg. 48, Prince has a line, Right, I feel silly calling my house to talk to you. I can just come home and talk to you! This doesnt really make any sense because theres no point earlier describing Prince calling from the warehouse or garage, or where ever hes calling from to talk to Cindy, scenes like these need to be thought out more carefully and dialogue adjusted accordingly. Theres another issue with the storyline from pg. 53-54. Rush is driving Prince out of town because Prince believes the cops are after him. Eventually Prince figures this out and tells Rush to turn around. All of a sudden, scene change and Rio, Prince and Boris are locked in Princes closet. How do they get there? This scene transition needs to be more clearly explained. Again, too much left to the readers imagination, did Rush set them up? Where they taken hostage by Boris when Rush and Prince returned? How did Rio get there? On pg. 68 after Rio and Cindy get in a fight over the Flamencos dress, Cindy flys back to L.A. but thats never explained. All of a sudden she is in Princes Mansion. There should be some transition, Cindy storms off and finds a flight back to L.A. to see Prince, CUT TO Cindy standing on Princes Balcony waiting for him to turn around. When only She stands is used, again there are too many female characters not to use Cindys name. When Cindy lets the lobsters go on pg. 71, that entire scene needs to be described better. Again, the reader must assume Cindy let the lobsters go because Prince asks, but it should be described in much greater detail, or be completely left out. Maybe Prince and Cindy get in an argument and it takes them out to the beach, but as it stands, the lobsters sliding down the utility slide is just distracting and confusing. Continuity Issues: 1. Pg. 3 Both the driver and the passenger get out of the car and watch the tires spin, how/why would the tires be spinning if nobody is in the car? 2. On Pg. 26, Rush picks up Cindy in a large mail van, then on pg. 27, its called the postal jeep, if this is the same vehicle, the same name should used, if its not, it needs to be more clearly defined, its very confusing as it stands. Characters:

CINDY, PRINCE and RIO definitely need a lot more depth. The reader doesnt even know what age they are, something very basic to add, CINDY (mid 30s). Its really hard to care what happens to characters that arent relatable. Although, that sense could be created through better dialogue, there simply needs to be better descriptions. Many characters are just found randomly in the story and its like they appear out of nowhere. Its difficult to tell what an interesting angle is to any of the characters let alone the main characters because there isnt any angle or depth. They seem to be regular people and theres no emotional connection to any of them. The reader cant love or hate any of the characters because the reader knows nothing about where they came from, what they are like, what made them the way they are. The characters have to have a history whether its told in the screenplay or not because they are real people yet there are no real ties to who they are. Really need to focus on solid three-dimensional characters. Page: 4

When Prince is introduced on pg. 3, it states Cindy waves at Prince, but the reader has no idea his name is actually Prince. PRINCE needs to be introduced before his name is used or its too confusing, how would Cindy know that was a Prince? Or his name was Prince? At this point, if Prince shouldnt be introduced, it should just state she waves at the gentlemen in the limo. Or saying something like PRINCE (38) with a mind of a four-yearold, is just standing staring at his stuck-in-the mud limo. Then go into Cindy waving at him. Again on pg. 3, RUSH is just a part of the story with no introduction or description, the reader has no idea, what he looks like, how he acts, what his relationship is with Prince other than to assume, hes the driver, but even that isnt very clear. It just appears out of nowhere really. VICKY LYNN is an extremely minor character and has a bigger description than Prince and Cindy, the two main characters combined. We find out shes a worldy older waitress and Cindys assistant. This minor character should not have a better description than the main characters. That makes no sense, theres no need to understand who Vicky Lynn is if we have no idea who Cindy or Prince are. BORIS is also kind of main character whose role gets totally lost in this script. Its very unclear what he really has to do with the story. Besides simply being introduced at the top of pg. 11, again with no description, theres too much focus on his accent and not enough focus on his intentions, actions and overall, who he is as a character. Then, in the middle of the same page, the reader finds out hes the bar owner and a Russian Emigree, its just too late at that point, characters cant just be randomly added to the script then described later, its too confusing. Past act I, it is extremely unclear what his role is in act II and act III is, he causes mischief with Charity and tries to steal cars at the party, but theres no real point and he doesnt really impact the story after act I at all. His character needs to be developed a lot more, add scenes of him coming to L.A. him explaining to his minions what his intentions are, telling them to put on Court Jester costumes, etc. or he should be totally removed after Cindy moves to Malibu. Boris and his minions or teenagers need to be developed more, they come back later in the script and dress up as court jesters, at least thats what it appears, (if not, then who are the COURT JESTERS and where do they come from?) Either way that needs to be explained. Its hard to remember them from the scene chasing Rush, Cindy and Prince away in the Mail Van/Jeep because they are so minor and there are no scenes with Boris really interacting with them. They shouldnt be given names or lines, however, more descriptive scenes with them incorporated would be helpful. It might be interesting to show Boris tracking Cindy down. He just kind of ends up in Malibu, and finds this warehouse, but no storyline on how this guy finds Charity, knows her connection and knows that Prince is going to have a party, or that there will be cars there to steal. Again, theres too much left for the reader to assume with Boris. If you show him tracking Cindy down, it could add a lot to his character and show he has more intelligence than his dialogue shows, or less, if thats whats intended. Even CHARITY has a longer description than Cindy or Prince but her character still needs to be developed more throughout the entire script. There is still no real reason she is in this story. Her minor role in the flashback and later on with Boris in the warehouse gets drowned out because her role isnt clearly defined. Why does it matter at the end that she tells Cindy she wants her to be her friend, there are no intimate scenes with her and Cindy at all in the story, if they were best friends and then hated each other, or if they got in a huge fight, then that scene with Cindy walking into the ocean would make sense, but as this screenplay stands presently, theres no need or Charity to even be in this screenplay, right now, shes just a distraction. BRIDGET is not a big enough character to have a name, just too confusing to add so many minor characters, something like ATTRACTIVE GIRL 1 would suffice. VERONIQUE and JENNIFER dont really either, but at Page: 5

least they have multiple lines. They could each be 1, 2, and 3 and it would still make just as much sense with less names to remember. Again, JENNIFER is introduced to the story before her description. YOUNG PRODUCER is perfect, he doesnt need and name and hes not given one, however, it should be in all caps when hes introduced as he does have lines. It should be either YOUNG PRODUCER or VERY YOUNG PRODUCER, but not both. Dialogue:

This is the part of the screenplay that deserves the most attention. It lacks an easy flow. It doesnt really sound like actual people conversing and many lines are simply confusing. In most cases, the dialogue makes sense, but it doesnt seem real. It seems like this is what person A should say then, this is what person B should say, but its not like person A is conversing with Person B. This is evident right away with Cindys and Vickys interaction with bar patrons, it doesnt feel at all what being in a rural dive bar is actually like. The writer needs to figure out who these characters really are, what they would really say, and how they would really act before even considering dialogue or its never going to feel real. Specific Cases: An example of making the dialogue more realistic: from pg. 14 15, Prince is talking, then Boris shoots at their limo, then Prince finishes what he was saying, and then, finally, he says, What did you just do?, Prince should say, What did you just do!!! immediately after Boris shoots the tires, he wouldnt finish his thoughts right after being shot at. These are the minor things that will make the dialogue seem more realistic. Some lines need to be rewritten altogether, for example, pg. 19, Cindy says, Im not your date so dont call me at all so I took your cellphone! in context of out of context, that line simply just doesnt make sense. Cindy, pg. 26 currently reads, Im confused who I am around him!, should read either, Im confused when I am around him or Im confused about who I am when Im around him. There are many lines like this one, that simply need more thought put into them. Structure:

There are some fundamental structural issues with this screenplay. The overall structure makes it very hard to follow and in conjunction with the dialogue, almost impossible to follow at some points. There are many scenes where the dialogue keeps on moving, but the scenes obviously change, however, theres no scene change, which makes it extremely confusing to visualize where each conversation is happening, (example #2 under Specific Formatting Comments). Many of the scenes are simply EXT. desert, or INT. Cowboy Bar, but there needs to be more specific scene changes because the scenes go on forever. For example, at the bottom of pg. 18, everyone is talking inside the bar, then at the top of pg. 19, Cindy is crawling under a sink. To make it more visual and easier to follow, Page: 6

there should be a new scene description, like INT. Bar Kitchen, dirty and unsanitary, would definitely not pass an OSHA inspection Then when Cindy is crawling under the sink, it would make sense and the reader could clearly see what she was doing. When the scenes go on for pages and clearly multiple shots are needed, there needs to be more descriptions. The strongest feature of this screenplay is that each act is pretty well defined. Act I sets up the story: Cindy is in desperate need for a prince to sweep her off her feet, she finally meets a prince, but she definitely has her work cut out. Act II, Cindy escapes to Malibu her relationships with Prince and Rio grow and a real pull between the two men is very evident. Act III brings the screenplay to an end with Cindy realizing Prince was right for her all along and despite some turmoil, they both realize they needed to be rescued and they live happily ever after. That right there is the strongest part of the script as it stands. Cinematic Value:

There could be some cinematic value to this story. Audiences love a modern day fairy tale. However, as it is right now, its too hard to follow and lacks originality for me to actually visualize this made into a movie. Additional Formatting Comments: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. There are a few minor formatting issues. (Stated below) Many typos and grammatical errors. Obviously, words in specific dialects were not corrected. (Stated below) More attention needs to be focused on character introductions and descriptions. Better transitions. More scene descriptions.

Specific Formatting Comments: 1. 2. Pg 3. Theres a Dont forget!, theres no name attached as dialogue, just floats in the middle of the page. Pg. 4 Rushs last line, They have not left the Limo, so there needs to be another scene change back to Limo, or one that shows them getting out of the limo. It should not go from REGULAR #1 to RUSH if they arent in the same actual shot. Pg. 9 - Princes first line, dialogue not centered. Pg. 14 Prince is indented (mid page) Pg. 20 Cindys Line, Please shut up! is centered, but the Im nor your is indented too far. Pg. 21 Prince walks into the bar and says, Youre our only hope, either in the description, it should state Prince meekly walks up to Cindy or directly under PRINCE it should read (to Cindy), its unclear who hes talking to at that point. Pg. 36 CINDY Rio laughs is not centered. Pg. 52 JACKs lines need to be spaced down and JACK needs to be centered. Page: 7

3. 4. 5. 6.

7. 8.

9. 10. 11.

Pg. 54 It says Cindy makes herIt should say Rio makes his bathroom needs known as Cindy isnt in the closet and the following lines are between Rio and Boris. Pg. 56 Once is indented too far. Pg. 63 After Boris says, gud delete (good), its clear what he is saying and its very inconsistent when ( translation) are used and not used such as after ve, hav, kupkake, its clear what words hes actually saying in his Russian accent. Pg. 69 PRINCEs line Its(its should have an apostrophe, doesnt in screenplay) that dress! Its so not there! Then it continues, Not there? Its the only thing I had to wear. This should be Cindys line, not Princes. Pg. 88 Charity is indented too far. Pg. 103 It shouldnt say, She stops herself from crying, manages to speak clearly, then go to Prince dialogue right after. It should be before she speaks.

12.

13. 14.

Spelling / Grammatical Errors: 1. Pg. 2 FAIRY GODMOTHER a. They, should be Then. b. I would add a the before women but hes Pg. 3 CINDY a. Our, should be Out Pg. 4 PRINCE a. Know, should be Knows Pg. 6 Vicky Lynn turns off the music at the end, theres a hope and it should be hoping. Pg. 7 VICKY LYNN a. Should read: You need help and I DONT mean serving drinks! make it one sentence, seems more real. Pg. 8 Prince sees Cinderellas outfit there are two outfits back to back. Pg. 13 CINDY (V.O) a. Add stuff after mushy, or it just reads, Is all this mushy really necessary? and that doesnt flow very well. Pg. 19 VICKY LYNN a. Loose, should be lose Pg. 21 DRUNK ERNIE a. Forgives, should just be forgive Pg. 22 DRUNK ERNIE a. Lose, should be loose Page: 8

2. 3. 4. 5.

6. 7.

8. 9. 10.

11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17.

Pg. 26 CINDY a. Good-by, should be Good-bye Pg. 27 CINDY a. Cant, should be can Pg. 33 PRINCE a. Were, should be were (times 2) Pg. 42 RIO a. Reads, how do I we would be together, there should be a know Pg. 56 after RIOs first line, it states, then putts 20 feet, what is line supposed to mean? Pg. 59 CINDY a. Believed, should just be believe Pg. 60 CINDY (telephone convo.) a. You, should be youre

Final Comments: 1. I would highly recommend working with a very experienced script consultant; there are some major structural, dialogue and character development issues that are way out of scope from a standard coverage report. I would also focus on scene transitions. Develop the main characters, needs a lot of work.

2.

My Personal Suggestions: 1. I feel that CINDY should be introduced as SINGLE WAITRESS in the opening scene. Heres where you can start solid character development and describe who she is, even basic things i.e. a red headed wait ress, an attractive waitress, etc. something to give the reader a visual of Cindy. We see what kind of person she is in the second scene in the dessert, but there needs to be some given visual descriptions in my opinon. Watch for minor things, such as at the bottom of pg. 17, its says, Drunk Ernie crawls back thru the hole in the door. Later, we find out Boris threw Ernie and created the hole in the door but when you use THE is seems like the reader should already know about this hole, if you just used thru a hole in the door, the reader wouldnt think twice.

2.

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