CHAPTER 4

As always when returning home from school, Jenny followed a typical routine. She took off her backpack as she entered the house, kicked off her shoes, stuffed her shoes in the closet, and, finally, peeled off her socks. Shed walked barefoot to the kitchen to dine on whatever snack it was her mother had left for her (usually rice with dried seaweed wraps, or even a small plate of kimchi), and ate in the cold silence of the house. When she finished, she would go upstairs to drop off her backpack in her room and check online for any new updates for her classes. This was usually followed by a much-needed afternoon nap. Afterwards, shed wake up several hours later at ten or eleven, sit on the edge of her bed with a grouchy pout, tiredly turn on the lights to her room, and start her homework. If luck was with her, shed finish her homework by four in the morning. If not, shed pull another allnighter and suffer another day at school with red droopy eyes and bloodless, exhausted looks. Her mother sometimes left dinner for her downstairs. If not, shed have to serve herself another cold plate of rice. It sucked being in IB. Jenny finished her bowl of rice and cleaned it under the faucet. She grabbed her backpack and climbed the stairs to her room. Her parents were out, and this too was typical. Her mother came home usually an hour after she arrived, and her father always returned in the evening. How they always mustered enough energy to find something to bicker about at the end of the day, Jenny didnt know. Her parents fought more regularly these days. They were fights that always brought a tightness to the heart. It hurt knowing that their bickering was borne out of themes she had no control over. It was a fact: Her parents wished that shed been born a boy. That shed been born a girl had brought bitterness to her parents, Jenny knew. That she was quiet, slow, often perceived as lazy and struggling in her studies only provided fertile ground for her parents animosity toward one another. Had she been the type of girl that knew something in the world, a girl that was assiduous and intelligent, her parents angst mightve lessened. Had she been a Korean girl that allowed herself to become subordinated by culture and religion, then perhaps her parents would have regarded her with a better (kinder) light. She was none of these things though, and knowing how often her parents praised the children of their friends hurt Jenny as much as seeing her Korean classmates glaring at her during lunch. Jenny supposed, for her father, at least, some of his animosity toward her mother was also misogynistic: He probably found fault with her mother for having birthed him a daughter instead of a son. Slight as these thoughts were (but oh, this too was a lie. None of these thoughts were slight at all, for Jenny had struggled with them for years. They were only slight in that they barely touched the surfaces of her mind, and were treated tentatively like fragile glass whenever allowed to manifest), they were not without evidence and were not just random conjectures. Her time with Pastor Hwang had helped solidify this notion of classical patriarchy and slight sexismit was then that Jenny realized her parents didnt really love her. Shed gone to the bathroom after everyone had left her on the floor and after the blood had stopped flowing. Shed gone to the bathroom with her head tilted forward and with harsh gasps spilling from her mouth. Blood still collected evenly in her throat despite the position of her head, and the sensation was sticky like hot mucus, making

her shudder every time she swallowed. The pain momentarily returned with devastating force when she was in the bathroomthe pain felt like rusty nails shoved up her nostrils. Bolts of metal pain throbbed across her face and blood smeared her lips like dried rusty paint. Jenny gingerly washed off all the blood she could and watched impassively as it swirled down into the sink as a bright pinkish color. She stupidly touched her nose to test the pain and wailed out loud when the broken bones grinded together, sensitive nerve-endings scraping cruelly against uneven ends. She cried breathlessly for five minutes and swallowed, breathing haggardly through her mouth. Her face looked fat and bloated in the mirror. God, what if I look like this for the rest of my life? She walked out of the bathroom and went to the main office to call her mom. There, Sungmin stood waiting for her, a somber, if not sad frown spread across his face. He looked as if hed just suffered the news of a lost loved one. You shouldnt have done that, Jenny, he said to her when he saw her. You dont know how much trouble youve caused. Jenny stared at him. Before she could say anything, Sungmin reached forward and offered her something. Jenny stared at it, suspicious, and then felt a slight gratitude of thanks. It was an icepack. Thank you, she muttered thinly. Sungmin said nothing. He watched as she placed the ice pack against her face. She called her mother on her cellphone, and the two stood together in awkward silence. Jenny eyed him carefully from the side. He fumbled with random items in his pocket and stared down at his shoes. Stay out of trouble, Jenny, he said after what seemed like an eternity. He glanced at her, frowned, and then walked away. He spoke in Korean. I mean it. Think before you talk, Jenny. And dont question God so much. It just brings more trouble than good. Jenny watched as he rounded the corner of the building. He returned a few seconds later on his bike. Jenny realized then that Sungmin had a small crush on her, and that today she had given him a reason to stop. Word was like fire in the Korean community. News of her encounter with Pastor Hwang had spread to all ears of the church within less just two hours. When her mother had picked her up, silence had invaded the car, thick and piercing. Jenny kept quiet in the back seat with a sour pout on her lips. Omma. Her mothers eyes went to the rearview mirror. They gazed at her, like two black frozen orbs. She said nothing for a moment and then refocused her attention back on the road. Omma? Mom? More tears spilled down Jennys face. Hehe hit me first! I didnt do anything wrong, omma! Hehehe broke my nose when all I wanted was to ask questions! He broke my nose and pulled my hair first, and he said bad things to me. He said that Enough, Jenny. Her mothers eyes snapped at her from the mirror. Just be quiet. Youve caused enough trouble for today. Jenny pouted and sat back in miserable silence. She cried.

Dr. Kim x-rayed her nose and found that it was mildly fractured. This hardly lightened Jennys mood (what the hell was mildly fractured anyway?). The doctor prescribed Advil and Tylenol, and told her to elevate her head when sleeping. He told her she was lucky it hadnt broken. Her mother thanked the doctor with a quiet smile, though Jenny had noticed a certain briskness about her mother. Dr. Kim also attended the same church as they did. Their story was that shed stupidly run into a wall. Omma Go upstairs, Jenny. Just go upstairs and think about what youve done. Ill call you down when dinner is ready. Jenny lowered her head as she entered the doorway. She said quietly: Omma. I did this for you. II stayed behind at church today for you because I wanted some answers. I wanted to see you stop crying. I wanted auntie to be okay now thats shes gone. Her mother stared at her. She sighed. Jenny-ah, she said wearily, go upstairs. Go upstairs to your room and just rest. Jenny sniffled. She silently lowered her head, removed her shoes, and climbed the stairs. Her father had returned home that night tired and exhausted. The mood he brought into the house that evening hadnt helped things. As always when her parents fought, Jenny snuck out from her room and sat silently near the banisters at the head of the stairs. Sometimes she saw her parents shadows on the living room walls and ceiling. Other times, she saw the top of their head as they stomped back and forth in a maddening display of rage. Tonight though, there were just loud sighs and mild accusations, a great change to the often loud, blaring noises they made when yelling at each other. They sat on the family couch speaking to one another in distilled whispers. supposed to be your duty as a woman and mother, Jaewha. Oh, please, Yongsook. Dont put all of this blame on me! Youre her father too, arent you? You think all because shes a girl she has to rely on me all the time? All because youre a father you think you cant console our daughter as well? What do you do in your spare time after work all day, huh, Jaewha? At the very least you can teach our daughter some basic manners. Thered been a pause, and Jenny had waited anxiously to hear what her mother would say. She said: I wished that we had had a son. Yes, her father replied with a sigh, me too. Life would be so much easier if we had a son. Jenny let out a loud sniffle. She brought a hand up to wipe her nose and felt jolts of pain spread through her face. She winced before getting up again. She crept quietly through the dark and retreated to her room. *** Yeah. She was a girl. It was something Jenny realized and knew she could never escape. It hurt realizing what she was, and it hurt worse seeing how everyone always had to remind her what she was. Her friends at church, her friends at schoolthey all silently told her what a real girl was supposed to look like with their salacious red-

painted lips and darkly decorated mascara-eyes, and they all told her how a girl was supposed to act. Sometimes Jenny sighed to herself when thinking about her sexand, sometimes (justsometimes), she sat quietly in the bathroom and cried in the dark. It sucked being in IB. It sucked even worse being a girl. *** Jenny rolled on her side and opened her eyes. An aqua-green glow spread along her nightstand and dimly splashed the carpet. The clock read 11:45 p.m. in dull, black, digital numbers. Outside, a bone-clattering noise battered the windows as a swift wind blew through the hollows of the house. Jenny groaned when seeing the numbers. Shed slept for almost nine hours. God, she moaned. I feel so bloated. Its like I gained fifty pounds or something. Why did I wear my school clothes to sleep? She threw the blankets off and rolled out of bed. It hadnt been just the wind outside that had pulled her out of her sleep; thered been a sudden slamming of the door downstairs too that had rocked the house. Her parents were fighting again. Jenny could hear their screams from below like distant war shouts. She swung her legs to the side and let her feet touch the floor. She rubbed her eyes again and let out a low, exhausted sigh. She moved drunkenly from the bed and went to turn on the light switch. She stopped, decided against it, and just stood there in the dark. She opened the door to her bedroom. Light fell against her face. With a kind of despairing jolt, Jenny realized shed left her shoes and socks scattered all over the foyer again, and groaned miserably a second time as she walked through the hallway. Her mother always gave her hell with her socks. She chastised her constantly about how unkempt she was, and always wondered out loud if shed ever make a good housewife. This last part of her mothers belittling, of course, hurt Jenny the most. No wonder someones mad tonight, Jenny thought wearily as she neared the bathroom. I guess Id be mad too if someone always left their dirty socks in the entryway of my house. Gross. A crash erupted from the living room, stopping Jenny cold. Her skin turned hard and the hairs on her arms rose. Gooseflesh spread through her back. The sound had been sharp and defining, cutting suddenly like exploding glass. Jenny waited, breathed slowly, and jumped again when another loud crash sounded from the living room. Her mother screamed downstairs. go and take your fucking money and spend it all on that fucking whore! Jennys blood froze. She ran to the head of the stairs and saw her parents standing in the living room. Her mothers back was to her. Her fists were balled and she clutched a piece of paper in her hands. Her shoulders shook. There was a suitcase next to her, and when Jenny saw this, her heart stopped. Her father stood there too, his tie loose, his jacket draped over one arm of the living room couch, sweat plastered across his forehead. The desk lamp usually found on the living room table was shattered into a dozen pieces next to the fireplace along the wall. Sharp, pink ceramic shards glared upward from the floor like jagged sharks teeth. What? Jenny thought. What? Ommawhats happening?

You hypocritical whore, Jaewha, her father spat. Dont tell me what to do with my money when you yourself spend so much time at the casinos with other men every Fri Oh, and do I sleep with them, Yongsook! Do I stick my dick into them and e-mail at night calling them my sweetie? Jenny stumbled down the stairs. Her lungs plunged up and down in her chest and her bare feet stomped loudly against the steps. Omma, she cried. What happened, whats going on? What Go back upstairs, Jenny. It was her father. This doesnt involve you. ButI thought I heard Her mother pointed a finger at her. See, Yongsook? See this one here? Shes so dumb and nave she doesnt know anything that goes on around this house anymore! You call yourself a father, Yongsook? You can barely teach your own daughter. You just fail as a husband! SHUT UP! Her fathers voice rocked the house. Jenny hunched her shoulders and felt another tight ripple of gooseflesh spread through her back. She watched as her father tore off his glasses and thought that he would suddenly go and smack her. Red burst through his cheeks and green veins throbbed against his temples; black patches of sweat layered the areas around his neck. What do you want, Jaewha? Yongsook asked, sighing now. He crushed his glasses in his palm. Shards of bloody glass stuck out between his fingers. You want to leave, is that it? You want to be a coward and leave this house right in front of your daughter? Jaehwa eyes widened. She barked a sharp sound of laughter, and cried: Daughter? You call this girl here our daughter? Dont do that family emotional horseshit crap on me, Yongsook! You loathe her as much as I do! She hasnt done anything to contribute to this family! All she does is whine and complain and eat what I feed her. And you want to call her our daughter? Jennys ears flushed hot. Warm stringy tears spilled down her face and blood blushed her cheeks. Omma, she cried, reaching out and taking hold of her mothers arm, pleaseplease stop it, youre scaring me. Dont scream anymore, I Her mother threw her hand off. Dont touch me, she spat. Dont you dare, Jenny. Do you know how long Ive been feeding that mouth of yours? Do you know how much it tires me just to keep you alive? How long will we keep you around just so you can abandon us? How long before you become a woman and then a wife? Were you the type of girl I could be proud of as a mother, Id hold you in my arms and say how much I loved you! Omma-ni. Pleasemom, dont, I Do you want to know how depressed your father was when he found out you were a girl? Do you know th at he blamed me for making you a girl? Huh, Jenny? Did you know that? Do you know how much your father loathes you? Jenny shook her head, not caring. She closed her eyes and clutched her mothers arm. Tears and snot spilled down her face. Please, she sobbed, Im sorry. Im sorry, je-song hamnida. Mom, Im sorry. She slid down to her

knees. Please, forgive me, dont be mad, Im sorry, Ill do better in life, I She slapped her. Jaewhas hand came out of nowhere and smacked Jenny across the cheek. Jennys head snapped to the side and her sobbing stopped. There was a sharp inhale of breath, a sharp cry of surprise, and nothing more. A lock of hair fell across her face. Stop it, Jaewha hissed. Stop groveling. Im tired of hearing your voice. She turned to her husband. Leaving now would bring you the greatest pleasure, wouldnt it, Yongsook? After all our years of marriage, its me leaving thatll make you the happiest. Am I right? Yongsook said nothing. He shrugged his shoulders and threw his broken glasses on the couch beside him. Thin red crept between the cracks. You leaving wont make a difference, Yongsook said. He took out a handkerchief from his pocket and began wiping his hand. Youre just as worthless as a wife and mother if you were to stay. Jaewha sneered. She turned to her daughter and said, Here you are, Jenny. Take this e-mail and learn what nearly twenty years of marriage can amount to. Maybe youll be able to avoid some of the mistakes we made. Omma, please, dont Jaewha threw the note at Jennys face and grabbed the handles of her suitcase. Jenny reached out and grabbed her mother by the arm. Please, mom, she sobbed. She crawled on her knees now. Dont go like this, please, Im sorry. Ill do better, I promise, Ill do better, please Her mother reached back and dug her nails into her scalp. Jenny shrieked. Jaewha flung her off and whacked her with her purse, striking her in the face. Jenny screamed as one of the metal clippings on her mothers purse slashed her in the eye. She fell painfully against her left arm and made a piercing wail as it twisted awkwardly under her weight. Goodbye, Yongsook, Jaewha said at the doorway. She fished for her keys and gripped them with a tight, bony fist. When you fuck that whore of yours, I hope you know shes faking it. Shell always fake it with you. At least she knows what to do in bed, Yongsook shot back. Goodbye, Jaewha. Leave before the rain starts. You dont like to get your hair wet. A ghost of a smile came to Jaewhas lips. It was an almost cruel and ghastly smile. She turned her gaze back down at her daughter. She sighed. Be careful in life, Jenny, Jaewha muttered. Be careful whom you marry. She turned around and closed the door. Mom! Mom! Omma, please Be quiet, Jenny. Jenny stopped herself. She turned around and saw her father massaging his temple with his bloody hand. Small droplets of red ran down his handkerchief and made it look like dangling pieces of meat. Jenny watched in horror as he used it to wipe his forehead. Stop screaming. Youre giving me a headache. But what are we supposed to do about mom? What Her fathers eyes snapped open. Jenny stopped herself. An honest, confused, and even weary look went to Yongsooks face as he stared at her.

What about her, Jenny? he asked plainly. Shes gone now. Why do you care? Jenny lowered her gaze and stared at the floor. Her breathing hitched in her chest and another scratching sniffle escaped her lips. The sound of her mothers car started, and soon only screeching tires could be heard in the distance as she drove away. Her left eye throbbed and her arm still hurt. Her father made his way towards the door. Jenny raised her head. Daddy? Going out, Yongsook muttered. He shrugged on his jacket and studied her. With some dismay, Jenny realized hed cleaned the blood off his glasses and put them back on his face. Cracks decorated his eyes. Dont you have homework to do, Jenny? Jenny shook her head. She swallowed, tried to say something, and then watched somberly as her father opened the door. A cold draft blew into the house. Appa, where The door closed. Jenny listened as her father started the engine and put the car in reverse. She heard the engine revving, the tires screeching, and then, finally, nothing more. Outside, a strong gust of wind battered the windows. Why did this happen, God? Jenny wrapped her arms around herself and sniffled. Snot and tears streamed down her face while black strands of hair stuck to her cheeks. Im sorry God. Please, just bring my mom back. Im just so sorry about everything. Please, please, just bring my mom back. Sobbing, Jenny brought a hand to wipe her face and cried alone on the floor.