CHAPTER 5

Rape. It was a word that always occurred to Jenny whenever staring at the rain. It was a word that was mysterious and cold, dark and quiet, foreign as a brief touch given by a strangers hands. The word came to her mind whenever hearing the beating raindrops overhead, whenever the sky was dark, and whenever the stars were rare. Sometimes when the night was cool and the rain had stopped, a fine white mist would rise from the ground and enshroud the parking lot in a thin e cocoon, giving the illusion of an eternal haze. The windows at Red Moons Diner would turn opaque with late autumn frost, and Jenny for a minute would imagine herself in hell. There were no crickets to ward off the silence. Jenny supposed they froze to death in the autumn or something. Said Spencer was supposed to be okay in the next few days, Abigail said next to her, scooting up to her side and putting a pin in her hair. I dont know why, but I think the vet likes me. When I came to visit, he told me I had nice eyes. Isnt that a weird thing to say? Yeah, Jenny mumbled. I guess it is. I mean, it would be cool and all to date a doctor, even if he is just a vet. I mean, not that I have anything against vets. Just that, you know, they treat animals. Thats kind of She went on, and Jenny blew a lock of hair out of her eyes. Rape. Thats what it looks like, thats what it looks like outside the window. It looks like rape outside. For some reason, s eeing the midnight rain reminds me of rape. Why? Three boys stood outside the diner, their bodies huddled under the fluorescent lights. Falling sleet had turned to soft rain and made their raincoats slick with melted ice and shine. Their breaths released hot and dry into the nightly air. They laughed and elbowed each other, gawked at each other, slapped each other, and produced low, brassy laughs that echoed through the windows. Jenny watched them with a dumb envy. She was jealous of their laughter. She imagined their faces even though their backs were turned, and suddenly wished to be with them. They were smoking. All three of them, just a trio of dumb college boys huddled together in the rain, doing nothing but laughing and smoking. They exposed their faces to the night and puffed out a plume of gray cigarette smoke that dissipated into the dark. Cigarettes. They were smoking cigarettes. And Jenny longed to be with them. Last night I had a dream. Last night I had a dream that I was back in high-school, and there were various faces and names that I remembered. Last night I had a dream, and in that dream, thered been a confused little girl that had just wanted to find her place in the world because she was just so lonely. There was Ms. Karens, my history teacher, Pastor Hwang from church, my mother and father, and justjust so many other things I cant remember. Seattle. Last night I had a dream about Seattle. likes this yellow chew toy that Ernest gave him one summer, and when he threw it across the yard, Spencer ran after it and stepped on this rake, and Life. In ten years from now Ill be almost forty. In ten years from now my face will have gotten older with more wrinkles and heavier eyelids. My cheeks will have drooped and my hands will have become weaker. I will look back on my ten passed years and wonder how Ive come to this place in life, finally realizing that no amount of makeup or fashion I wear on my body matters. I will

realize fashion is useless; I will realize makeup is in vain. The makeup I put on my face to look clean and beautiful, the fashion that I wear on my body to hide the bruises and look feminineI will realize it was all in vain, for fashion does not stop the onrush of time, does not guarantee me friendship or love, and does not stop me from aging. Nothing stops me from aging. Fashion and makeup are falsewhy cant I realize this now? Why am I so afraid of the rain? (rape its what i think of when i hear the rain rape its what) Jenny shuddered. She turned to Abigail to see if shed spoken, and realized she hadnt. The voice had sounded like Toms, but that was impossible. Tom was away and wouldnt be back for another night. The voice had belonged to someone else. Just someone else. Thinking about your man again? Jenny jumped at the sound. Yes, Abigail, she said sharply with a frown. Thats most definitely what Im thinking now. My tall, dark, and handsome. What else could it be? See? I knew you liked him! Its good to admit these feelings. How about I admit some feelings about you then, Jenny thought, but didnt say. What do you think those boys are doing there? she asked, gesturing toward the doors. Theyve been standing there for like an hour. Hmm? Oh, them? Abigail squinted and held a hand up. Jenny snorted. As if she were blocking out some glare from an imaginary sun or something. Looks to me theyre just hanging out and smoking. Nothing wrong with that, right? They could be doing something. Oh? Like what? Likewell, I dont know, but they could be. Shouldnt you go and ask them what theyre doing? Abigail looked at her. She cocked her head to the side and scanned her face. Are you okay tonight, Jenny? she asked lightly. Youre really out of it. No, Jenny replied, shaking her head. She sighed. I guess Im not. I didnt get a good nights sleep last night. Oh, I see. Period? She frowned at her. Dream, Abigail, she said curtly. I had a weird dream last night. Thats all. Abigail giggled. Oh, right! I knew that. You know, the funny thing about dreams, they say it tells a lot about you. I wonder if dogs dream? Because you know, they say that when a dog is asleep and its wagging its tail, its supposed to mean Jenny rolled her eyes, sighing a second time. She returned her gaze back toward the windows and stared out at the rain. Smoking. Yes, those three boys were just smoking. And oh, how she longed to be with them. An hour passed. In that time the boys left the diner and the rain dissipated. What was left in their place was a familiar thin white haze that overtook the surface of the parking lot and formed thick frost on the windows. The clouds above concealed the moon and hid the stars.

The door to the diner opened, and Jenny raised her head. Her blood froze. Abigail elbowed her in the ribs and giggled. Hey, its your tall, dark, and handsome! she whispered. Why is he here again? Guess hes getting braver coming in here, huh? Maybe hes here to ask you out on a date. That would be something, wouldnt it? Jenny ignored her. She watched as the man took his regular seat at the window and felt gooseflesh ripple across her skin. He took off his jacket as he sat down and blew into his hands. Droplets of rain speckled his hair. Jenny thought of morning dew when seeing his hair and hated it. He set his hands on the table and waited. Tomato sauce, a voice whispered. If he asks, tell him it was tomato sauce. Tell him it was tomato sauce, tell him it God why is he here again, why is he here? He shouldnt be here tonight, he was here last time, he shouldnt be me to approach him? She turned around. Abigail stared at her with a slight frown and a thoughtful look in her eyes. Her eyes were earnest and sincere, but Jenny felt as if they were untrustworthy too, as if shed suddenly heard her thoughts. No, Jenny replied, grabbing a pitcher from underneath the counter. I got this. He wants me anyway. Sure? Yeah. Yeah, I got it. Thanks though. Abigail shrugged, letting it go. Same as usual. Its just going to be the same as usual. Literally. Im going to ask, Same as usual? Hes going to say, Yes , please, and Im going to turn around, hes going to keep staring at me, maybe at my ass, hes going to get his Country Fried Steak, and everything will be okay. Everything will be (please dont say that please dont) okay. Okay? Hey, she said as she poured him his water. Nice to see you here. Same as usual, right? Yes. Please. Jenny nodded. She scribbled his order down and offered him a wide smile. She was able to take four steps away when his voice suddenly spoke up behind her, freezing her in her tracks. Jenny, wait. We need to talk. *** The man tipped a hundred dollars every time he entered Red Moons Diner. He didnt know why he did this; he just did it because he didnt know what else to do. The role of the waitress, the role of the policemen, the role of actor as hero, and the role of the model as fashionistathese were all examples of actors and actresses living a life of bad faith. We all act in bad faith, the man thinks; we all act when frightened before life and the truth. I enter a world of play and see before me a false world-stage occupied by faces that do not wish to be here, he thinks as he enters the diner. With my words, I cast them appropriate roles and allow them to exist as they do through a mutual understanding of bad faith; I take a grain of rice and call it a meteorite. Men will wear masks to hide their responsibilities in life; women will wear makeup to cover their bruises. We are all afraid to face the world in which the audience before us may be unkind and mute, and so, take roles to

appease their minds while denying our true selves. But life goes nowhere once the curtain closes; these roles provide us nothing in the end. To laugh, to cry, to perform on stagedoing so before a group of strangers does nothing when these strangers are just as voiceless and faceless as the dishonest actor. The woman that served him every night has marks on her face; the man saw them every time he entered the diner. He knew what they were, those marks, and knew that she desperately tried covering them up every morning with makeup on. He imagines her standing naked in front of the mirror because of those marks; he imagines her frightened and afraid. Shamed, even, disgusted with herself. He sees her helpless and in pain, lost and pitiful because of those marks, and wonders why, when so easily visible on her face, no one else cares to notice them. She looks ugly, the man thinks; just so ridiculously ugly. He hates the lipstick on her lips, the eyeliner that decorates her eyes. He hates everything about her face, and wished dearly for her to free herself, to wash her face, the makeup, the tears, the bruises, the shame and all. Hed come in weeks ago and had spotted her behind the counter. Her eyes had caught his when just barely inside the door, and theyd both stopped. Small flares of burning pink had gathered beneath her eyes and given her face a hot helium glow. Shed walked away after a minute and had gone back inside the kitchen while hed stood there bewildered and frozen. She didnt serve him that night. Shed come out only when he was shrugging on his jacket about to leave. He had seen her eyes, though. Before she turned away, hed seen the shape of her right eye, and had thought it looked like a piece of wet tissue paper hanging haphazardly from the corner of a battered eye socket. Its skin was pulled down millimeters lower than her left, seemingly torn from her face, quivering like loose dead muscle. He understood then. He understood, and so, without fully being aware of what he was doing, hed reached into his wallet, pulled out whatever he could find, and casually thrown it out on the table. It was two fifty-dollar bills. Hed taken a pen from his pocket and written the letters J.J. on them. Jenny, he thinks, oh, Jenny. Youre so much better than this. What happened to you? Hey, she said as she poured his water. Nice to see you here. Same as usual, right? Yeah. Please. She scribbled his order down. A few minutes, okay? He nodded. She smiled at him, folded her notepad, and walked away. Stop her, a voice whispered. Stop her before she walks away again. Just stop her before she walks away. He sighed. He turned his head to the side and closed his eyes. A memory had entered his mind. Just some old memory where everything had been good and warm. Just some memory from the past. Stop her. Stop her before she walks away, stop Jenny, wait. We need to talk. She jerked to a stop. The move was so sudden that the ice cubes in her water pitcher made a clanking noise as they collided with one another. Bits of water spilled from the edge. Sorry, she said as she turned around, what was that? Talk, the man said. He rose from his seat and slowly approached her. We need to talk.

Oh. Im on shift right now. Maybe next You cant even spare five minutes? he asked sharply. Theres no one here, Jenny. Its just you and me. He walked closer. Jenny took a step back and felt the surface of her forehead collect with sweat. Her mouth turned dry. Jen No. She took another step away from him. Dont come near me. Dont you dare, do you understand? I dont know you, okay? I dont know you, have never seen you in my life, and dont Stop acting like that, Jenny. You Stop saying my name like you know me! She slammed the water pitcher down on a nearby table. Just stop! Get the hell away from me! Just leave me alone and go back to wherever you came from! She swallowed. She stared at him, breathless, and wiped her eyes. She turned around and suddenly felt a hand on her wrist. How could you have turned out like this? he asked. How you have changed so much? How could you do this to yourself, what DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME! She threw his hand off. Go away! I dont need you anymore, I dont need you here! She slapped him. Her hand whipped through the air and made a loud SMACK! against his face. The mans head snapped to the side and tears blurred his vision. Part of her ring had cut into his cheek; a small slash opened below his cheekbone, spreading hot like embers. Go away, Jenny moaned. Why dont you just go away and leave me alone? What did I ever do to you to make you do this to me! He stared at her. He said nothing, and watched again as she turned away. The burn on his cheek began to fade. Jinyoung. Jenny jerked to a stop. Her body froze, and her shoulders became rigid at his voice. Look at me, Jinyoung. Dont walk away from me again. She turned to him. Dripping mascara slid down her face like black tears. What do you want? Jenny sobbed. What do you just want? Im going back to Seattle tomorrow, he said. I have to leave. Come with me. Leave Boise and just come home with me. Please. Something small and light flickered through her eyes. It was quick, barely there, lost in again under a sea of black and brown. Go away, Jenny whispered after a moment. Just go away and leave me alone. I dont want you here. Jinyoung DONT CALL ME THAT! DONT EVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN! She brought her hands up and gripped the sides of her head. Pathetic sobs escaped her lips.

Dont call me that. Dont you ever call me that ever again, do you understand? Just dont. He gazed at her, thoughtful, pitying, hurt. He could see another woman at the counter out of the corner of his eye. ABIGAIL her nametag read. She stood frozen and wide-mouthed, her eyes bulged out fat on her face. A hand had come up to her neck while the other hand had disappeared beneath the counter. Telephone, the man guessed. Police. Is this what you want? Jenny spat, ripping off her wedding ring. She had to snarl as she pried it off, wrestling it off her finger. She cried, threw it at him, and heard it bounce somewhere on the floor. Another hoarse sob escaped her. Just go away, Daniel, Jenny whispered. She brought her arms up to hold herself and turned her face away. Just go away before we call the cops. Please. For me. Daniel gazed at her. He said nothing and silently turned away. He gathered his jacket and reached into his wallet. He threw two bills onto the table and sighed, wishing that he could face her. The makeup on her face was disgusting. One last time, Jenny, he said quietly. Just come back with me. You dont need to be here. You wont have to be afraid with me. I promise. Jenny lowered her eyes, shaking her head. Go away, Daniel, she whispered again. Please just go away. Leave me alone. I dont know you. Daniel brushed past her. He said nothing as he moved past but briefly touched his hands with hers. Jenny recoiled at the touchbut, before she drew back, she let his fingers firmly hold hers. I should have let you go, Jenny, Daniel thought as he opened the doors. A cold pocket of air hit his face. I should have let you go. I should have just let you go and let you die in my memory as someone I once knew. Im sorry for ever hurting you. Just so goddamn sorry. At the edge of the lightthe light separating the night and dark, the fluorescent glows of Red Moons midnight shine and autumns cold chillthin snowflakes drifted slowly from the sky and fell around Daniels feet. Daniel lifted his face and closed his eyes, letting them land against his face. After a few seconds, he was out of the diners shadow, and back in the dark. *** Jenny sank to the floor and wrapped her arms around herself. She felt Abigail holding her and whispering in her ear. Extra tears smeared her cheeks and forehead, and Abigails sugary bubble-gum breath spewed in her face, suffocating her. Ted? John? There was some clatter from the kitchen, some sound, and then the approach of shoes. Think hes gone now, Ted said. Abigail nodded, retaking Jenny in her arms. Jenny? Are you okay? Jenny shook her head. Shivers ran through her body and forced her to hold herself tighter. Her face was a

mess, makeup oozing down her cheeks. She wiped her face and sniffled. Bathroom, she whispered. I thinkI think Im going to throw up. She got up and felt Abigails arms drop away. Do you want to call the pol Jenny shook her head and stumbled towards the bathroom. She barely made it. She ran towards the stalls on uneven clanking heels, opened the door, and crashed down on her knees before a violent torrent of vomit exploded from her mouth. A horrible liquid burn of morning waffles and cheap French fries ripped through her throat and scorched her tongue. She heaved, retched, and vomited a second time, feeling her chest muscles tighten, her stomach squeeze, her throat burn. For a moment, the pressure in her chest was so great she couldnt breathe, and the world around her dimmed to uneven colors. Jenny sighed when she was done, haggard in the cheeks, sweat drenching her face. Another upheaval of vomit surged through her throat, and she held it back, swallowing, burping. Murky vomit-yellow from the toilet splashed her face. Oh, Jesus Christ, its all over my face, its everywhere on my lips, its like that (blood) tomato sauce from two nights ago. It just smells so horrible. She pulled away from the toilet and leaned against the wall. Cold tiles touched her neck and cooled her skin. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, gasping. Im going to die, Jenny thought frantically. Im going to die if I puke again. My chest cant take it, I cant breathe when it rips through me, my stomach just hurts so bad. Christ, it smells. The bathroom door opened. Jenny? Jenny, are you all right? Go away, Abigail. Leave me alone. You sure youre okay? No, Abigail. I dont think I am anymore. I dont think I ever was. But who are you to care when you dont even know me? Five minutes, Jenny yelled back. She kept her eyes closed as she called out again. Just five minutes, Abigail. There was a slight pause, an okay, and then a slight muffled sound of feet moving away. Jenny pulled the pins out of her hair and let out a deep, shuddering sigh. She reached over and flushed the toilet. Foul, fetid smells of fresh vomit and toilet water filled her nose. She let out another sighing gasp, leaned her head back, and felt the world slowly slip away.