CHAPTER 8

Daniel sat at the beach the next morning overlooking the waves. He sat on a green metal bench at what was known as Bracketts Landing near a shallow field filled with sand dunes. A monochrome dark covered the skies while the waters below churned a dull murky gray; slow-trudging waves crashed against dirty dotted shores. Limbs of dead twisted hollow driftwood logs cluttered the area beneath his feet like old rotted bones belonging to a graveyard, and a dozen or so small dotted trails of creatures feet litte red random spots along the sand. Pebbles, snail shells, and muddy sand bubbles lay awkwardly exposed to the cold as the tide receded. Saltwater and ocean breeze filled the airthe wind blew. To his left was the Edmonds-Kingston ferry terminal, now derelict and quiet. On his right was the jetty, jutting out straight from the waterfront like a thrusting tongue stuck deep in the waters of Puget Sound. Far off into the horizon and across the waves, mountain ranges dominated the western sky, looking like bony knuckles surged forth from the ground. Kitsap County was there, and beyond that, the Olympic Mountains part of the Olympic Peninsula. A rumbling sound came from behind him. It was her Mazda, making its way into the parking lot. Daniel watched patiently as she parked. Daniel? Hey. Hey. They looked awkwardly at each other. May I sit? He nodded. She gave him a faint smile, and sat down. A small bulge came out beneath her sweater. It puffed out cutely from her stomach and looked like a small potbelly. She held on to it with one hand and used the other hand to trace back a lock of hair. Daniel frowned when seeing the potbelly, but said nothing, and watched curiously as her hand went to rub its swell. No, a voice whispered to him, not pregnant. She just has something underneath her sweatershe is not pregnant. God, how could you even think that? Have you been waiting long? she asked. No. I just got here and decided to sit down. Oh. Okay. She hesitated. Daniel caught her biting her lip and realized she was cold. He could see the slight tremors her shoulders gave and noticed the way her fingers clenched together at the end of her sleeves. He wanted to offer his jacket, but knew already shed refuse him. She turned to him then and tried to smile. It was a solemn smile, false around the edges and dimmed in the eyes. She was trying to make him feel better, as if she knew his concern for her. Im sorry, she began. She reached under her sweater and brought out a newly bought white t-shirt wrapped in a plastic bag. The words Fruit of the Loom were written at the top. I dont know your size. I went to Walgreens and decided on a large. I hope thats fine. Large is fine, he said, taking the shirt from her. It felt warm in his hand. He realized with a faint echo that it

had been in close contact with her skin, her bare skin even, her bare midriff. Why had she put this inside her sweater instead of just carrying it with her? Thank you, Jenny. You didnt have to. Oh. I know. Butstill. I guess thats why I still did it anyway. He placed the shirt aside. They sat for a while, and went silent. Her eyes were tired; grim. They were a dull color that seemingly mirrored the leaden waves, not at all brown or calm like he remembered them. Shed tried hard to erase the dark spot beneath her eyes, he noticed, and had tried again to apply powder to her cheeks. Daniel saw through all of it. Do you want to talk about it? he asked her. She turned around. Talk? About? You know He gave her a shrug. Whatevers bothering you. Your parents divorce. Do you want to talk about it? Oh. No, its fine, Daniel, really, its nothing. Just She squeezed her hands together. Its just family stuff. Really. Its nothing I cant handle. Oh. Okay then. Yeah. Daniel watched from the side again as her fingers began picking at the surface of her jeans. They went quiet. Do you How are He stopped himself. Sorry, she said. She brought an embarrassed hand up. I didnt mean to interrupt while you were talkin g. You go ahead. No, its fine. What were you going to say? Oh, I was just going to ask how your family was. Theyre fine. He thought for a second, and said, My little sister won a math award at her school last week. Oh, you have a little sister? Thats cute. Yeah. I guess it is. Whats her name? Penny. She laughed. Thats cute too. Yeah. Shes four years younger than us. What were you going to ask me, Daniel? He hesitated. He said, II was going to ask if youd like to walk with me or something. You know, just along the beach. She thought for a minute, eyeing him thoughtfully. Daniel caught her gaze and felt himself grow small in size. So this is it, he thought dimly. Were still a bit awkward with each other after all thats happened. Im not surprised, but only taken slightly aback. After having her blood spilled on me, after having smelled her hair, after having gone into her car, gotten her

shirt, watched as she slipped it on, carried herwe still have to obey social conventions of etiquette. Thats fine; I understand. I just wish shed stop smiling for me as if she were obligated to do so. I just wish shed frown and let me see her for who she trul y is. I know youre lying to me about something, Jenny. Walk? Sure. But, like, where can we walk to? We can just follow the beach south, he said. Towards Marina Park or the fishing pier. Less than a mile. Oh. Okay. Yeah, walking would be good. She stood up, turned to him, and offered him another forlorn smile. *** They walked past the ferry terminal and made it to the small meadow area south of Bracketts Landing. Here the bricked sidewalk sinuously curved through tiny pastoral plots of green as they entered Olympic Beach. Tall tuffs of brownish reed canary grass surrounded them to the sides and swayed pleasantly with the wind; loose Scotch broom drifted towards their thighs with slender-ribbed branches and brightly lit yellow petals. What looked like attractive pink Hardhacks gestured in their direction as they passed by. They gave the illusion of pink bulbous pyramid-heads bowing together before the wind, and looked, when swaying back and forth, like sadly bruised purple eyes covered in thin hooks of hair. Deep-green colored the grass beside them while white clover heads popped out randomly from the ground. Seagulls called out together in the distance as the EdmondsKingston ferry carefully arrived at its port. The ferry gave a loud bellow with its horn, interrupted the continuous and hypnotic rhythm of the breaking waves, and slowly merged with the long green glass walkway that attached to its upper deck from the terminal. Jenny heard this noise behind her and instinctively brought her arms up to hold herself beneath the chest. She was being coy, she knew, but could think of no other way to handle the silence. There were multiple moments where she thought hed walk alongside her and take her hand or something, brush it accidentally with her fingers and have it become one with their movements. Butno. He kept respectfully to himself and offered her space. He simply kept silent next to her. Im scared, Jenny thought distantly, because I know that if I approach him today, Im going to have to reveal myself to him. Its only fair that I answer his questions, but it scares me. Ive never really trusted anyone else before, and wewe barely know each ot her. Weve only known each other for a week. The thought was bleak. It made her slow her footsteps and wrap her arms tighter around herself. No. I shouldnt think like that. I shouldnt let that stupid fact get in the way of a possible friendship. So what if we came together out of disaster? He was there for me, and hehes just very kind. I can sense it in him. Hes just a kind person. But its this very kindness Im afraid of. More than anything else, more than being bullied or stigmatized by my Korean fr iends, its this kindness that scares me the most. They traveled through the meadow together and made it down the steps leading to the first thin strip of beach. Waves crashed to their right as the beige Pinnacle Logistics building passed slowly on their left. They walked through the parking lot of the South County Senior Center together and emerged in a larger beach area filled with familiar up-heaved mini-sand dunes and broken log pieces. They were at the heart of Olympic Beach now. Rich

moist sand filled their shoes and clung to the ankles of their socks. They went by the Ebb Tide Condominium, passed the Underwater Sports store, and walked past Beach Place Road. Here a small concrete walkway emerged alongside the Edmonds Bay Building and rose just a few feet above the sand. Olympic Beach joined with Dayton Street along Admiral Way, and Jenny could soon see the fishing pier Daniel had been speaking of extending out in the distance. It stretched three hundred feet beyond the marina and raised high above the breakwater. Hundreds of boats floated moored next to their assigned docks. They walked together along the walkway leading to the pier and eventually made it to the water. Here the pier took a sharp left turn and ran parallel with one side of the marina breakwater. Timid gusts of wind blew against them as they walked along; waves crashed beneath their feet, rocking the pier. Despite all this, a sliver of sunlight broke through the clouds and shone warmly on the water a few hundred meters away. It was just a slice of light, a small splash of gold against darkened blue, but Jenny noticed it, and quickly made her way to the edge of the pier. She placed one foot on the lowest railing and leaned herself over the water. Its pretty here, she said. Yeah, Daniel said. It is. They went silent. Daniel watched her admiringly from the back. Do you come here often? she asked. Sometimes. But not always. I just come here to think when I have to, but its always in my car. Think? You come to the beach to think? He nodded. Yeah. Its kind of nice. Nice to just sit and look at the waves. Nice to look at the clouds and see the sunset. Oh, she said. Ive never tried that. Maybe I should. Yeah. He hesitated. It helps with stress, especially with IB. You know? She laughed at him. Yeah. I definitely know about that. What made you take IB in the first place? Parents. And, er, this idea that I could do well in it. Full? Ha. Yeah, right. I can barely maintain partial. He smiled at her, but it was a rueful smile. Daniel wanted to offer it as a sympathetic smile, but knew that if she turned around and saw him, it would come out as a pitying smile. You seem like a smart girl to me, Jenny, he said kindly. She smiled at him. Ha. Well, it looks like youre thinking of some other Asian girl, Daniel. She leaned forward and stretched herself out toward the water. The long curve of her back and sudden tensing of her muscles stirred something raw and deep inside of Daniel. A slight pull of her sweater revealed a white patch of naked skin on her midriff. Im not smart, Daniel. Im really not. I know as an Asian girl Im supposed to be, but I think God messed up when he made me, and just decided that I would be a girl. I cant seem to fulfill the stereotype. Im a bit stupid in

general. Daniel said nothing, and watched quietly as a fresh burst of wind blew through her hair. She leaned herself into it and closed her eyes, exposing her neck. Hair fluttered past her shoulders. Daniel, unable to take the silence any longer, stepped next to her and leaned in close so that their arms and shoulders brushed. Please dont say that, Jenny, he muttered to the side. Please dont ever say that about yourself. She turned around and opened her eyes at him. What? That. Justthat. You dont have to say that about yourself. She looked at him, confused, but then tried to smile. I dont understand what youre saying, Daniel. Are you mad? No, he said, a little too quickly, a little too harsh. He tried to look at her, but felt pathetic. I meanyou know. You dont have to say those things about yourself, Jenny. Nobody does. She just smiled at him, thoughtful and hurt, and turned to the side. I used to imagine what it would be like to sail with my family on the ocean, she said. I used to dream about it a lot when I was younger. When I was in middle school, I used to think Id be the one to buy my parents a boat after I got married, and give that dream to them. Im sorry. Is there something stopping you from that dream now? Yeah. A few things. She turned away just as another gust of wind swept through her hair. It swept across Daniels face, b ut he made no comment. Strawberries filled his nose. She moved away and Daniel silently followed. He watched her when she wrapped her arms around herself. It was a gesture not to just ward off the cold, but also to protect herself. A memory perhaps; a bad thought. *** Last night Jenny had caught her father having sex with another womanthis was the reason for her solemn silence around Daniel. His questions, though well-meaning and kind, were akin to asking her to reveal a hideous scar on her body. With this feeling of self-disgust were feelings of permanent shame embedded deep in her heart. Her parents were getting a divorce. The finality of these words were just as cold when speaking them out loud. Though their decision to do so had little to do with her status as a daughter, Jenny still felt that she was responsible for their separation. The thought of her sex weighed on her mind like a permanent black cloudshe could no longer freely stare at herself in the mirror without the words girl and daughter marring her view. Her mother was no longer with them. Where she was, Jenny didnt know, and hurt thinking about her. She was justgone. Last night she had caught her father having sex with another woman. She had caught him fucking. Screwing. Doing. Shed come down stairs last night several hours after her call with Daniel and had spotted giant shadows dancing along the walls. They were disgustingly shaped, those shadows, awkwardly disjointed, looking like snakes

on disfigured limbs. They were the shapes of her father holding the body of another woman on the couch with long legs lifted high in the air. The living room lights had been turned off and the TV muted; soft eerie blue had painted the walls. Jenny crept her way down to the living room and curled into a ball at the foot of the stairs. She brought her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around her legs. Giggling came from the living room. Following it were quick bouts of hushed laughter. There were sounds of wet lips kissing, of zippers and sweaters unzipping, and of pants untangling. The couch they lay on was leather; skintight sounds of sliding flesh and taut muscles groaned out from the dark. There was panting too, quick and rushed. It was one oclock in the morning. You look good tonight, Yongsook, a womans voice whispered. It was followed by a chuckle, a soft inhale of breath, and then: You seem in better spirits these days. The earth spins, Yongsook answered back. Jenny shuddered when hearing her fathers voice. It sounded like a strangers voice whispering in the dark. To hear her father speak so casually and informally was as frightening as being buried alive beneath the earth. They spoke in Korean. People have a choice to be happy with each new day. Mmm. I see. And have you chosen to be happy with me, Yongsook? There was a ruffling of cloth, some rubbing noise of silk and thin fabric, and then more laughter. A suckling sound followed. More leather groans from the dark. What about your mistress? the woman asked. Oh, dont call her that, Kyung-soon. Youll make me seem like the bad guy tonight. They laughed again. Jenny swallowed a lump in her throat and took time to wipe her eyes. Her breathing became agitated and uneven. She brought both hands over her mouth and squeezed her eyes shut, feeling hot tears dripping down her face. Images of her father naked and lean filled her mind where his middle-aged body mounted the woman on the couch. His muscles were old, lathered with sweat, his feet, decorated with spider veins and wrinkles. His potbelly sagged like a tumor, and his pubic hair tingled with the cold living room air. So this is the woman omma was talking about, Jenny thought quietly. This is the woman that drove my parents apart, the woman that made my mom hit me and that made my parents hate me. This is her voice; Im hearing the voice that ruined my life. My appa is kissing her, and soon hell be naked on top of her, and soon theyll fuck, theyll do it while I lay upstairs pretending to sleep, theyll do it right below me, and in the morning, when I wake up, my appa will pretend like nothing happened. Fucking. My father is fucking her. My father is fucking another woman, and Im here witnessing it. How is your daughter, Yongsook? Jenny? Same as always. I hardly ever know what goes on with her. You have a lovely daughter, Yongsook. Im sure shell find her way. Mmm, youre acting kind tonight. But Im not sure about my Jenny. Shes dim-witted and slow. And a bit stupid. Jennys ears grew hot. Something warm flashed through her cheeks, and more tears spilled down her face. She

wiped them away and quietly retreated back up the stairs. Oh, such a mean man, my Yongsook. How can you say that about your own daughter? Dont you love her? Of course, Yongsook whispered. I love all my family just the same. Just that, I worry about my daughter the most. Sometimes I worry about her future, Kyung-soon. I worry about her a lot. Jenny closed the door to her room. *** They were at Marina Park now. Daniel stood near the water and watched as the wind took her hair and flung it across her shoulders. White light shone warmly on her face and illuminated her features, making her skin fuller, healthier in the wind. Mammoth white tusks of hollow logs decorated the beach behind them. Rotted branches and clumps of seaweed lay strewn all over the shoreline next to their shoes. The waves tugged at them playfully, menacingly, shredding eelgrass bodies and disturbing the tiny pebble-beds set deep in the sand. Beyond the water, hundreds of miles away, faint silhouettes of mountain peaks spread out beneath the horizon. Edge of the world, Daniel thought as he stepped closer to the water. It feels like the edge of the world where Im standing. Some may tell me that Im only standing along the shorelines of the Sound, that Im merely at the end of Marina Park Beach before the waves and sky, but standing here, with her next to meit feels like the edge of the world for some reason. She walked past him and tentatively dipped her foot in the water. Waves broke out and reached her ankle, soaking her sock. Daniel watched quietly from the side. She pulled her sneaker back and smiled, revealing faint dimples on the underside of her cheeks. He stepped next to her. Its beautiful here, he said. Yes. It is. She smiled at him and turned around. She wrapped her arms around herself and began walking away, wanting him to follow. He did. Do you know what Heaven is supposed to look like, Daniel? No. Not really. I dont think anyone really know what Heaven looks like. Or Hell. She nodded, revealing a longing look in her eyes that Daniel noticed. She kept her arms under her chest and walked through the sand. Are you Christian, Daniel? No. The question surprised him. I dont think Yeah? He shrugged. I dont think religion offers any relevant answers to humanitys problems. I think it creates more problems than it does solutions. She said, I think that too, and jumped on a log. What about Heaven? Or Hell? I dont know. I think its better to believe neither. That way you dont die and live with fear. Will you feel bad if you found out theres a Hell? I think so. But then again, there have been so many hells in human history, whos to say which one is correct?

Not all of them are eternal. She smiled at that. It was a surprising smile. Daniel hadnt expected it. She continued on another log and picked her feet carefully along. Daniel walked alongside her. Overhead, more clouds parted, revealing soft light. Jenny. Hmm? Can I ask you a question? Sure. Do you remember Michael Lamb? Michael? Yeah. Why? A few weeks ago I saw you giving him a bag of candy. Do you remember that? She paused for a moment, balancing her feet and raising an eyebrow. Candy? Ioh. Right. Like a month ago, right? Yeah. Something like that. Why did you do it? Why did you go and buy him candy when you had no reason to? She bit her lip at him. A thoughtful look appeared in her eyes. She answered slowly: I just thought it was the right thing to do at the time. My friendsor like, my church membersone girl said that it was Gods will that Michael was born like that. She said that it was his purpose and destiny in life to inspire others with his disease, and was something he was meant to have to become stronger in life. I thoughtI thought her reasoning was stupid, and wanted to see Michael myself one day. So I went to him a few times and became friends with him. She looked at him. She pressed her lips together, thinking. He isnt a reason, and he isnt a means to an end for others, she said. No human is an excuse to be an ends. Hes just a boy, and he likes M&Ms. There is no reason for his condition that God can prove, because God has proven to be false. He is not an ends for any god because all gods have been proven to be false in all cultures in all of history; theres no reason to value one god over another. And so, when people tell me that certain things happen in the world because God says so, or because certain people are as they are becaus e theyre destined to be so, I get angry, asking them to show me the divine proof. We have scientific proof and medical reasons for why things happen as they do for peoplewe only have romantic rhetoric for justifying Gods will. To say that Michael Lamb was a tool used by God for others is wrong. Id rather see him as a person with some disease I can be friends with than a theme used at church. Sounds like you thought about this a lot, Daniel said. I guess. I dont know. People are afraid of a lot of things in life that I think they purposefully create things to make themselves feel better. They need to find meaning to live, even if it means creating meaningless means. I think its better to accept life as it is. You become stronger that way; humbler. The Absurd, Daniel said. The what? Its what we read in IB English last year. Mr. Kirks class.

Oh. Right. I have Mr. Kirk for seventh period. She hopped on another log. She said, Also, I dont like it when people are bullied. I dont think Michael is ever bullied at our school, but the way my friends and church sometimes talk about him, like he was a means for our ends, its likelike Patronizing and condescending, Daniel said. Yeah. Something like that. In church, we always talk about ourselves being better than everyone. Even if we say to ourselves we recognize other people, respect them, love them, its always with undertones of us being better. We really dont respect others. Were in fact culturally insensitive. Our missionaries are a good example of this. You would never find the Koran or the Vedas in a church, Daniel said for her. Or the Avesta from Zoroastrianism. Yeah. So when we always proclaim our god to be better without even taking into account other gods or other religions, it makes me embarrassed about my church. Millions of people before Christianity were as passionate about their gods as we are now about ours in church. Where can we find proof that their passion is wrong and ours correct? We only have absolute proof that their religions have become exhaustedChristianity should be no different. When you mentioned bullying just now, Daniel said, what did you mean? Why did you use that analogy? She smiled at him, her eyes weary and sad appearing. It seemed as if she were recalling a bitter memory. A pained smile. I used to be bullied at my church too, she said quietly. It happened when I was fifteen. I was bullied by one of my pastors. A pastor bullied you? Yeah. He was the head pastor of our church. To be fair though, I was a bit out of line. Daniel stared at her. Hed never pictured her as a victim before. What happened, if you dont mind me asking? She shrugged her shoulders, and said: I stood up to him. And? He left the church afterwards, she said softly. He just completely went away and never came back. So you won then. No, Daniel. I just took whatever was given to me, and moved on in life. No one won. She jumped forward on another log. Her arms wavered, she tilted to the side, and Daniel readied himself to catch her. She steadied herself, stuck her arms out, and finally found her balance. Maybe I was selfish, Jenny said. Maybe I shouldnt have come to Michael and become friends with him the way I did. But I wanted to try and love him authentically instead out of duty, if that makes sense. I didnt want to see him as a Christian duty; I didnt want to see him as an obligation by God or anyone else. I didnt want to see him as a theme. I just wanted To see him as human, Daniel said for her. Just as another person that is neither better nor lesser than you. An equal. Yeah, Jenny said. Human. The creature better than all angels and gods.

Daniel watched again as she picked her feet along. Perhaps it was the sun then, or the warming of the breeze, but the silence that fell around them was lovely and kind in Daniels mind. Beautiful. He studied her, admiring her from the side, and thought: This is a beautiful day, Jenny. This is a beautiful day because I have you with me as the skies slowly become clear. I wish I could thank you, Jenny; I wished you knew how lovely you were. Jenny. Hold on for a minute. Look at me. She stopped. She lowered her arms and looked at him. Yeah? Look, Jenny. I know I have no right to ask you to tell me what happened. I know your familial problems are your own and that you have every right to keep them from me. But Id like you to know that Im here for you as a friend. Whether it be for school or family, Ill always try to be here for you. Asas a friend. She looked at him. Daniel When this day ends, he said, well return to our regular activities as students. Youll go back to your life at school, and Ill go back to mine. But I dont want this moment to become nothing. I dont want our time to gether today at the beach to be something that we just totally forget and let go to memory. I wantI want to be friends. He brought a hand up and rubbed the back of his neck. Jenny bit her lip at him. She knew he was trying. I dont want it so that last week was just an accident where youre repaying me out of obligation. I dont want to see you through eyes of pity and remorse. I wantI want to see you as a person. A friend. Someone that wont be afraid to rely on me, or me to you. I just dont want to see you as a girl anymore. You know? Jennys cheeks bloomed hot. Her eyes slowly went to her shoes and one hand clutched tight the sleeves of her sweater. The other went to clutch her chest. Yeah, Daniel, she said quietly. She raised her eyes at him. Y eah, I know. Thank you. Ithank you for all that. I havent heard anyone tell me that before. I guess I dont want to be strangers with you, either. She jumped off the log and turned to face him. I like this place, she whispered. I really enjoyed everything youve shown me at this beach. If I were to say that I thought this place could be called Heaven, would you think I was being stupid? No, Jenny. Of course not. I would never think you stupid for saying that. They went quiet. Daniel felt her eyes on him and turned to stare at the shoreline. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and waited for the silence to pass. Sometimes I wonder what Heaven looks like, she said. Sometimes I wonder, and sometimes I get scared. Why? Because. Just because. I get scared thinking Heaven exists because it means we must someday leave this world. She stepped next to him. She hesitated. She carefully locked her arm through his, and placed her head against his shoulder. Daniel started. The muscles in his arm turned rigid and his breathing stopped. He relaxed when he smelled the top of her head, relaxed when he felt the familiar weight of her body against his arm, and let her lean on him,

briefly closing his eyes. Her body against his was a light pressure that was barely there, a pillow of feathers against his armthe hair that brushed against his cheek was soft. This world can be more beautiful than Heaven if we want it to be, she whispered. I think you showed me that today, Daniel. Thank you. He felt her weight shift. She was parting from him. He wanted to suddenly grab hold of her hand and interlock her fingers with his, to hold it, gently clutch it, grasp it, keep it within his reach, to show her that he understood and caredbut she was already too far away, already at an arms length distance with her arms again wrapped beneath her chest. Heaven is a place filled with friends you can love, he said. He watched as a small smile broke out on her face. It was a genuine smile. Her gaze kept facing the water. A place without friends to love is Hell. Yes, Jenny said. I think that too. They stood together and looked at the waves. Ahead, seagulls cried out in the distance.