CONGRUENCY

Congruency-Actions and feelings in keeping with our words; A balance between word and movement Words accurately reflecting our actions, motions, gestures, and cues All relationships contain the aspects of physical, mental, and emotional -- one or more predominating at any moment. Personal and interrelationship harmony is experienced by balancing these appropriately. In intimate relationships, our internal physiological and emotional condition is reflected in our external words and actions. These can be in or out of congruency. This happens only when we are able to integrate and accept our instinctual drives with our emotional, mental, and physical. Consider for a moment being Self-Centered. It represents awareness of personal body-mind- emotions. Awareness of ourselves in body, mind and emotions. Growth in our conscious Self evolves naturally. Awareness happens gradually. And as we grow in awareness, we grow in congruency. We grow into the awareness of our own intertwining relationships with time, place, space, people, and things. As with learning to play an instrument, we begin to accelerate this natural process by paying close attention to the proper guidelines and putting them into practice. This awareness requires certain conditions: 1. The desire to know who we are, where we've come from, and where we're going; 2. A mind willing to explore 3. The ability to differentiate right from wrong 4. A caring attitude toward people and the environment; 5. Caring actions Conscientious Action When - We act conscientiously we consider the outcome of our actions. Living conscientiously means listening to our inner voice of right (body feels relaxed), and wrong (body feels agitated), and then following its direction for the best resolve of the circumstances and situation. Sometimes it is hard to act rightly because we might not derive as much pleasure from a right act as we would from a selfish act. It is this haziness of mind-- the pushing to act on a desire that is not for the good that keeps us from mental, emotional, and physical congruency. Conscientious living extends past people relationships to include the animate and inanimate environment. The better care we take care of our possessions and surroundings the less we waste natural resources. To develop a conscientious manner with others and the natural world: 1. Consider as many options as possible before acting; 2. Think about the outcome of an action, realizing that we live with the consequence of our actions; 3. Conserve when possible to preserve the natural bounty for all; 4. Think and feel with care and concern--temper emotion with common sense;

5. Meditate regularly--the still posture of meditation makes it easier for our mind to view pros and cons objectively and conscientiously. When we then choose to act rightly, all benefit from our existence. Conscientious action allows consciousness to develop step by step by taking the invisible but sure way we know is right for each and every moment. Communication: its impact on self-esteem and underachievement in the gifted child Author: Paule Eckhaus Abstract This presentation focuses on the interactive nature of communication and its impact on the developing gifted child. A constellation of psychological attributes will be explored, emphasising that many of difficulties that young gifted children experience are derived from a socio-cultural environment that views expressions of giftedness as aberrant behaviour. For the gifted child, the resulting, prevailing sense of psycho-social isolation, brings an additional, deeply defining and potentially damaging, psychological issue to the communication framework. The parameters to be canvassed include the formation of 'individual' identity and self-esteem as well implications for individual achievement. Communication guidelines for parents and teachers interacting with the gifted child will be explored. Introduction and definitions Implicit in the literature of giftedness, and explicit in the testing of intelligence is the notion that a gifted person is like the general population, only more so. A contrasting view is presented here, namely that gifted children are psychologically distinct from non-gifted children and these differences are evident in specific aspects of communication. Differences at the sensory storage stage become magnified when combined with superior verbal and performance skills which in turn exacerbate any existing psychological distinctions. These differences are evident across both verbal and non-verbal dimensions of communication. Consequently, giftedness is recognised as a multifaceted phenomena revealed and understood dependent upon the facet illuminated, yet, significantly both the process and style of an individual's communication remains common to all facets. The population to which attention is directed is largely under eleven years of age. This time span encapsulates the greatest impetus to development and lays the strongest foundations for the validation of individual being: the interaction of personality, parenting and environmental forces generates an initial, individual 'life-path'. The child is caught in the cleft of dependency, development and change, of which a major determinant is the messages communicated to the child about their place in the world. Hence, in order to assess realistic and normative differences between and among gifted children the defining role of communication cannot be ignored.

The communication process Figure 1 shows a model of communication which identifies the basic elements of a communication situation although, in reality, the communication process cannot effectively be "captured" by a diagram (Korzybski,1933). This model engages individuals as both senders and receivers of messages. A message, is delivered using a specific channel of communication within some specific context and it is the meaning that

the receiver attaches to the message that determines its communication significance. Thus communication is an active process in which one engages in determining meaning. Communication occurs within a context which is understood to be experienced simultaneously across four dimensions: physical, social, psychological and temporal (DeVito,1978). All aspects of the communication process are, however, considered interactive as well as continuous, unrepeatable, irreversible, proactive and transactional (Mortensen,1972). Although the physical environment and the channel are significant contributors to the receiver's response they will not be dealt with in detail here. Communication is therefore considered to operate on several levels simultaneously and the efficacy of the interplay between these levels will be influenced by the individual's sensitivities. The levels, to be examined here, are the intrapersonal, occurring within the individual and the interpersonal, occurring between people. It is as if, for any individual there are several communication facets, the most socially accessible of which is the interpersonal, or group level where an individual conforms to some notional, societal role. This could be considered as 'the outside person'. By contrast, the intrapersonal world, or that of 'the inside person' is intensely private and accessible only to those most trusted. It includes a complex range of psychological issues incorporating notions of Sullivan's (1953) self system, which is the total range of an individual's experience. These are established through the interplay of their accompanying perceptions, cognition's, levels of affect, attitudes, beliefs, motivations, values and knowledge and so on, which, acting in concert, provide a frame of reference from which an individual responds to a message. Hence in addition to the socio/cultural/physical milieu, communication occurs within a psychological context termed a 'frame of reference'. The messages that the 'outside person' receives need to be integrated with the individuals own feelings and value system. Hence messages that cannot be harmonized with individual belief systems result in the development of feelings of guilt, shame and self-doubt which have far reaching consequences for individual development and the messages that they communicate to the world around them. For the gifted child this process is more delicately balanced as they tend to be more highly responsive than other children, with longer attention spans (Silverman, 1986); and a capacity to respond uniquely to life events (Bireley & Genshaft, 1991). Their responses tend to be of increased complexity, both emotionally and cognitively (Silverman, 1993); and complicated by the unevenness, or dyssynchrony, of their development across all these domains and compounded by an enhanced vulnerability (Roedell, 1984). There is a reduction in message redundancy, with an average child needing roughly three times the repetition for meaning that a gifted child requires. The intensity with which many gifted children approach life increases their vulnerability to criticism and consequently enhances fearfulness. The earlier development of independent thought and concomitant value-systems heighten the chronological/mental discrepancies which frequently leave gifted children alienated from their peer groups. It is as if they are spatial and temporal aliens on the planet average. This combination of enhanced behavioural and psychological responsiveness, coupled with cognitive complexity and profound emotional sensitivities, underscored by evident dyssynchrony establishes values as a framework from which the gifted child evaluates themselves, the people around them and any subsequent interactions.

Verbal communication Acts of communication should also be distinguished between their process (how) and their content (what). It is considered that there are two principal modes of expression (Guiraud, 1978; Jakobsen,1960). They are the referential function which is objective, denotative and cognitive and can be considered as reflecting the

content of the message. This content domain is often the focus of teachers and tends to track a linear and sequential route. Consequently, there is thus a tendency to suborn the emotive function, which is connotative, subjective and expressive and, with its focus on feeling and reflecting the process aspects of communication, it also harder to contain and assess. These twin aspects of understanding and feeling are referred to as the 'double function of language' and do not operate in isolation although one may predominate over another at any given time. These subjective issues of verbal communication are highly pertinent when determining meaning, because what we know of others we derive from the affective and objective meanings that we attribute to the messages that they communicate. Consequently, what we learn about ourselves is also derived from a similar interplay of these affective, subjective and objective, cognitive meanings that we attach to the messages received. Hence, significantly, meanings are in people and are shaped not just by the words that we use, but by the totality of their delivery. Language is considered, generally, to be digital with a definitive beginning, middle and conclusion, and in fact, we note such concepts as 'lack of closure', as a source of anxiety and ambiguity. However, the conversation of gifted children is frequently analogical, it continues over time for the duration of the gestation for which these ideas hold currency for the children. This notion reflects what is often seen clinically that gifted children are not just 'sensitive', they are actually bothered by their ideas and they need a mentor to facilitate their learning. Buzan & Buzan's (1993) technique of mind maps visually captures some of the essence of the way that these children's ideas 'hook' into each other and form connections and implies that ideas also have visual, spatial and temporal dimensions, or, what Buzan terms 'natural architecture'. Words are labels and their power is to define and limit behaviour , and so to force convention on the unconventional. There are many labels that define giftedness pejoratively, for example: nerd; uncool; egghead; perfectionists; brain; owly; demanding and so on. Even literature about the gifted falls prey to this, for example, Heacox (1991, p11) states she has 'developed several broad characterisations of those who can't or won't play the school game'. This encourages the use of a model which 'blames the victim', rather than the community for any problems that gifted children are experiencing. Gifted children in counselling often raise the issue '... If I am so gifted and can do all these things, how come I have all the problems?' Gifted children want the time, space and opportunity to achieve completeness, that is to perfect some task. Instead we label them pejoratively applying pseudo psychological connotations of obsessivecompulsiveness and dismiss their striving. I have never yet witnessed a counsellor complain that a client suffers from 'maudlin mediocrity', yet this, rather than a striving for life may more realistically reflect the problems of living with which many of us struggle!

Communication as convention A system of communication is something that is shared between and inherited from the cultural community of which we are a member. It only 'works' if the '...thoughts ideas, concepts or subjective events which its various items and relations codify are shared by both speaker and hearer.' (Allen & Corder, 1973, p101). In this manner, communication can be seen as not only conveying information, but also imposing behaviour through the establishment of conventions (Watzlawick, Beavin, & Jackson, 1967). Hence, gifted children are aberrant coders in that they violate a societies conventions about the role and place of children within a community that, generally considers that wisdom rests with age (the elders) or according to size (adults). Gifted children are 'aberrant' in the nature, style and intensity of the issues that they wish to communicate to others. In addition, their ideas and language tend to be more abstract. For example, rubbish in the playground is not simply that, it becomes a concern about careless people destroying the environment and so raises questions of pollution and global damage. The level at which they deal with the information is higher

up the ladder of abstraction than their chronological contemporaries and consequently it may become difficult to establish rapport with other children. Did Edison get it right by trying only once? In relentless pursuit of his dreams, Edison commented "Results? Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know fifty-thousand things that won't work," (Fuller, 1980,p.196) The convention in our society is not to stretch too far or too hard, so we use fear of making mistakes as a limit to our efforts to be successful. It becomes an unfortunate commentary on our social order when the striving's of our gifted and talented children are dismissed as 'excessive'. Conventional behaviour is generally implicit and modeled by the pertinent authority figures. Parents demonstrate behaviours and the acceptance of differences just as teachers create class-room ambience and select the boundaries of tolerance. These behaviours are communicated non-verbally and hence, learnt vicariously by children. In the same manner they also learn that there are penalties for violating conventions including disapproval, isolation, ridicule, rejection and even ostracism. For the gifted child these issues impact heavily on their developing self-esteem.

Non-verbal communication Meanings are not determined solely from spoken language as roughly 70% of the message to which we attend is non-verbal (Birdwhistell,1972; Mehrabian,1971). It is frequently these non-verbal channels of communication in which subjective and affective aspects of communication are expressed. Sullivan's (1953), concept of 'forbidding gestures' describes the pattern of emotional denial established through disapproval expressed, for example, about boys who cry or a non-compliant female. Psychological contradictions are communicated as 'discrepant messages', such as the mother declaring her love, but stiffening her body when touched. This lack of congruency is also evident through the avoidance of eyecontact, the use of defensive gestures and breathing styles. The impact of contradictory verbal and nonverbal messages is expressed as 'the double bind' (Bateson,1960) or 'kinesic slips' (Birdwhistell 1953) and considered to be at best a source of confusion, and at worst a major cause of individual invalidation (Laing & Emerston, 1964). A gifted child may receive powerful messages that they are different from other children, both through the process of their own direct observation as well as the 'reflected appraisals' of others (Sullivan, 1953). For example, admiration expressed verbally may have as its non-verbal counterpart in teacher expectations of performance as well as peer exclusion from play-groups. Praise may be undermined by a sarcastic tone. Teachers may describe a child as gifted, on the one hand, and then categorically dismiss the idea that child may also be needy. Similarly the 'invisible' gifted child, usually female, submissive and an obedient but consistent underachiever may remain, unhappily, undetected throughout their formative education. The only clue to this child's unhappiness may be apparent physiological problems such as persistent headaches, nonspecific tummy pains, tiredness and susceptibility to low-level infections. Just as physical symptoms may be a metaphor for internal states, and dreams may be symbolic of unresolved conflicts, so too the art-work and story-telling of gifted children provides an accurate non-verbal and affective bridge to their inner states. The gifted child may use metaphors to deal with deeply-felt fears and unexplained and conflicting emotions that can find no other socially acceptable expression, or audience. Special attention needs to be directed towards these message forms as they are frequently overlooked. Gifted children, especially introverted and intuitive types have a rich, creative and private existence. When such a child experiences unresolvable conflicts between their inner life and reality they can disappear with increasing frequency down some magical and protective pathway. To borrow Hirsch's (1994) phrase the

child then recounts life through cosmogonies, as aspects of real life, too difficult to bear and inexplicable, are disguised as mythical thoughts.

Communication and identity Communication is the vehicle through which social relations are identified and established and LeviStrauss' (1970) metaphor of the 'raw and the cooked', demonstrates that any change in state such as from nature to culture occurs through interaction with others and the formation of social groupings. Thus, the major outcome of communication and interaction with others is the development of individual identity. Thus our 'outside self' becomes a reflection of our inner self or 'being' and is defined by our thoughts, beliefs and responses to the social, psychological and temporal context we inhabit. Erikson (1959) considers this to be both a lifelong development and largely unconscious both to the individual and society. Festinger's (1954) studies indicate that a powerful source of self-knowledge is derived from the process of social comparison. Sullivan (1953) acknowledges the potency of 'reflected selfappraisals' which confirms that our beliefs about the way other people view us, communicated verbally and non-verbally, help to structure our identity. Goffman (1955) considers this 'impression management' to be one of the major tasks of human interaction. The process of communication is further complicated by a reciprocal relationship between sender and receiver, termed, feedback. Goffman's (1955) term 'interactional synchrony', suggests that communication is somewhat analogous to a dance which may be either synchronised, and hence effective or, unsynchronised and hence disturbing for the participants. This is reflected in other developing and defining concepts based on our beliefs about the world around us such a locus of control (Rotter,1966) and self, or situationmonitoring tendencies (Snyder,1974). These aspects of self determine whether, in general, behave according to a set of internal, invariant and individual standards and consequently experience the power to effect change in world around us. Alternatively, an individual may habitually respond according to the demands of the environment. Such patterns are reflected in the underachieving gifted child's response to mistakes and decision-making, as well as accounting for aspects of dependency and the need for approval. Gifted children often find great difficulty in developing an identity that follows the Socratic ideal of being true to one's self. Prevailing attitudes to parenting are inconsistent and gifted children are frequently misunderstood; their voices are silenced and their views are disregarded, or, 'muted' (Ardener,1975). Assumptions are made about gifted children that views them as a collective, minimizing their differences, when in reality each gifted child is unique. A sense of worthlessness arises if, as individuals, our ideas and thoughts are considered to be of no value. Consequently, our self-esteem, plummets. Achievement is of little concern if it does not satisfy individual values and if it is unlikely to result in an enhanced sense of personal power. So, to the vulnerable gifted child, by invalidating their ideas we invalidated them and minimize their potential for achievement. Substituted for achievement, then, is a need for approval, a vigilance and sensitivity to criticism and a fear of rejection. For example a gifted child explains to a parent specific problems at school. Standard response styles include patronising, judgemental and even ridicule. Most frequently the invalidating style is used with the result that the child is dismissed with a well-meaning 'don't worry'. Gifted children, as problem solvers tend, initially, to seek assistance exploring problems because whilst they may comprehend the nature of the problem they may lack either strategies and, or experience to resolve them. They seek management of their own perceived difficulties establishing a goodness-of-fit within the social fabric. In short gifted children are

seeking psychological validation of their being and in dismissing the child's message a parent has effectively dismissed, and invalidated the child. A key outcome of the growth of identity is the extent of individual self-esteem. Consistent invalidation, combined with the heightened sensitivities of a gifted child will damage self-esteem and may generate a developmental 'crisis' (Erikson,1963) or, Adler's (1930), 'compensatory striving for power' which will have an enduring impact on the manner in which such children negotiate life. The degree to which there is a need to protect, or defend our inner self will influence our external behaviour. Hence, the invalidated child may communicate his or her feelings externally through anger and behavioural problems, or, may bury these feelings with despair and present as withdrawn, or present with an array of non-specific physiological complaints. Prolonged invalidation leads to formation of negative self-fulfilling prophecies but, also in the case of gifted children, it leads to the denial of success when it does occur. This arises because invalidation separates, rather than harmonises the inner and outer self and in doing so prevents the growth of idealised goals into realistic goals, hence, no project can therefore be satisfactorily completed. Ironically, this pursuit of idealised goals may come close to being the solitary benefit of the difficulties some gifted children experience! One of the major difficulties for gifted children is that the messages they receive are inconsistent across a range of dimensions. Consequently, much of the implicit message component has to do with the individual's place and value in the wider community. For example, the reflective child who takes time to plan work before they commence a task is 'too slow', and is not 'task oriented'. The child who asks questions may be 'intelligent', but 'demanding'. The child that needs peace and space 'can play happily alone' but is 'withdrawn or anti-social'. The gifted amongst us may be paraded as a prodigy or dismissed as precious. They may be 'resourceful and independent' at two years and 'inconsiderate and self-absorbed' at five years. As an adult, adolescent and child in a child's body the gifted child may be out of step with other children as they generally speak, play and value different things, yet, in general they are expected to "know better". Note that the above comments whilst purporting to address behaviour are in reality comments about identity. The timing of these messages is unpredictable, but their frequency and random nature leads to heightened vulnerability in a child already often overwhelmed by their sensitivities. The outcome is increased vigilance and fearfulness combined with lowered self-esteem (McKay & Fanning, 1987) It is this sense of timing that predominates in many communications and underlies expectations and influences our ability to predict events. If our timing is also 'aberrant' then our ability to predict events and to feel safe is restricted. Unconventional timing is a feature of humour and is often used as a bench-mark of giftedness being a finely-honed skill in many gifted children. However, gifted children present as an out of time experience they resists chronological designation and they are simultaneous thinkers both responding to the environment and mulling over past ideas. This is reflected in their tendency to make cognitive leaps and large scale connections rather than step-by-step increments. There is the tendency for gifted children to view time as 'now', rather than 'through time' and this difference impacts on individual style and their approach to the organisation of work. A 'through time' person has a good linear sequential idea of time, they work to schedules, are dissociated from the past and experience an orderly existence, life for them is a series of orderly unfolding. By contrast an 'in time' person exists in the here and now but with associated memories from the past and considers time to be flexible. This underlying attitude explains the gifted child who goes to perform a task and returns some time later having failed to perform the task, but having discovered a thousand wonders on their journey. It also provides some insight into their capacity for rumination and review, often with such self-deprecating consequences. For the highly gifted child the mix of extreme creativity and a lack of synchronicity may be lethal.

Rogers (1961) asserts that communication failures underlie the task of psychotherapy whilst Gibb (1961) focuses on defensive communication and Gordon (1975) writes of 'communication spoilers'. The product of discrepant or 'failed' communication is evident in the form of self-fulfilling prophecies (Rosenthal, 1967) which act as powerful mind-sets dominating subsequent interactions (Young, 1994) Such mind-sets leave little psychic energy, for the gifted individual, to pursue passions, or aspire to achievement.