COKE & XBOX

FADE IN INT. RESTAURANT - DAY THE ZEUS OF LOBSTERS is placed before AN ABSOLUTE FUCKING KNOCKOUT OF A WOMAN. Diving into either one of them would be something to tell your grand-kids about, but for now, lets focus on the lady: Meticulous perfection enamels her exterior. Make-up: Laser perfect. Hair: Worth its weight in gold. Skin: Inherently airbrushed. A DEITY. And were not at the unfair part yet. Underneath all the razzmatazz is a sixteen cylinder Bugatti of a brain crackling sharp wit and industrious ambition. In case you thought she was just for decoration. More comfortable in a power suit than you are in your favorite sweatpants, she just crossed into the vestibule of her early twenties, sure to look that age for about another quarter-century. And thats it. Not one more positive attribute to speak of. Does it matter? Probably not. Either way, meet ALANNA. The WAITER serves a FRAIL SALAD to the GENT across from her. Fit, handsome, and skirting the line between hippie-casual and metrosexual-casual. Referred to as Alannas significant other, but also known occasionally as DAVIS. Together, theyre the most gorgeous and intimidating civilian couple youve ever seen. Not an accident. DAVIS (to waiter) Thank you so much. The waiter politely nods, swiftly leaving. ALANNA Why do you do this to me? DAVIS What am I doing to you? ALANNA You ordered a salad. You cant order a salad if I have a lobster. Look at how poor you look. DAVIS But this is all I want.

2. ALANNA I went to college with a bitch whod eat baby food every day saying the same thing. Neither of you are fooling anybody. (waving over the waiter) Youre getting a steak, you pansy. DAVIS I dont want steak, Alanna, put your hand down. And for the record, Id like you to realize I am poor. ALANNA I know, thats why I love you, Davis. It makes you great during sex. DAVIS How does being poor improve sex? ALANNA You misheard. I said youre very grateful when it comes to sex. Like its both a luxury and a privilege for you to be let into a clean vagina. DAVIS I can see how that might appeal to you. Listen... ALANNA Oh dear, thats his big boy voice. The Waiter glides up. WAITER And how is everything? ALANNA Unresolved. Please leave. The Waiter glides away. DAVIS This isnt working out. M. ALANNA

3. DAVIS For two weeks Ive been trying to end this at the best possible time. Turns out thats now. ALANNA Is this whats been making you all neurotic and jumpy? Davis, it gave you jawline acne. Youre gonna dump somebody, make it count, for christ sake, bring down the hammer! I know you can do better than that. DAVIS Youre an insecure whore. ALANNA Okay. Alright, well call that a practice swing, Captain obvious. Now wealth and status. Im obsessed, right? DAVIS I-- You are! Like a Real Housewife only somehow less likeable and more fake. Hey-oh! ALANNA

DAVIS I dont understand, are you encouraging this... Ironically? ALANNA On the contrary, Im having fun! No bullshit, this, by far, is the most interesting youve ever been. Remember to be this way for your future significant others. DAVIS Do I need to mention we cant work together? I suppose it couldnt hurt. Youre also fired. (beat) From? ALANNA

DAVIS Radioshack. Your job.

4. ALANNA I never worked at Radioshack. DAVIS We met at Radioshack! I hired you! ALANNA I havent been in a Radioshack since-- How long has there been Best Buy? DAVIS Well, after we started dating you began to feel you didnt need to show up for work. ALANNA I dont recall that. So radioshack is still around? DAVIS Of course you dont recall that! The five times you did show up you were completely shitfaced, you thought it was a Target. ALANNA So Im still technically employed by a Radioshack? DAVIS No, I just fired you. ALANNA Just? So I missed six months of shifts? DAVIS Technically, yeah. You did. ALANNA Does that mean you found enough excuses to justify a half year of missed work? Yeah. DAVIS

ALANNA Thats impressive. Shit.

5. DAVIS It was easier than reformatting the whole schedule, I did it to avoid a hassle, and it became kind of a habit. ALANNA Jesus, how dense is Radioshack! No wonder theyre bankrupt. DAVIS You know how many times you couldve lost me my job? ALANNA (scoffs) Tragedy-DAVIS I cant believe I used our printer to forge prescription pads for you... ALANNA That was top-notch work, by the way. You could seriously get rich selling fake passports or some shit. DAVIS And you need to get out. I want you out of my apartment. Tonight. ALANNA Just take it easy there, pilgrim, I just gave you a compliment-- See, these pesky women, they have rights now. You cant evict someone with only an hours notice. Thats totally illegal. DAVIS No, its not. ALANNA I know its legal, you idiot, I took a chance you didnt. Where the hell am I gonna go? DAVIS You wouldnt be friends with someone if they couldnt afford a couch. Go use one of them.

6. ALANNA Youre being an irrational woman. How am I going to move my things? DAVIS In a suitcase. The only things you actually own are clothes. She slides out of the booth. ALANNA Enjoy your salad. Actually, get dessert, youre single now, might as well bloat. DAVIS I know youre just being a dick, but thats exactly what Im gonna do. Alanna starts walking away. DAVIS (CONTD) Just out of curiosity, how mad would it make the old people if they saw you fork over the seventy dollars your lobster actually cost? She takes off without a word. INT. ALEXS APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY Laying on the floor is ALEX: The girl you wouldve asked out if she hadnt moved after preschool. A pondering observer, able to shroud a room in subtle contentment. Unlike other twentysomethings, Alex is unassuming, studious, and not out to prove herself. Have a chat with her at a party, its refreshing. She knows a lot about a lot. Here and there, shes quietly acquired Einstein Level booksmarts, and yet totally unpretentious about it. That never happens. Shes a humble unicorn. Alex is being entertained by the musings of the BUBBLY BLONDE on the couch. Adorable down to her cough, but hates her oversexed blonde playmate looks almost as much as she hates herself for her oversexed blonde playmate lifestyle. Her rage slips under her Disney starlet surface so well, even she forgets it exists, it boils and pressurizes underneath, making her more unstable than most meth labs. This piece of candycoated hell is ALI.

7. ALI Its like the third act of Apocalypto. Youre dodgin vines, youre ziggin, youre zaggin, youre a sinewy beast. You look back all like Im about to outrun a fucking tiger! I fucking rule! Then, (popping sound) Whoops, a shrub just ripped off the massive veiny cock I was so proud of, and now Im gonna die. That had to be a common occupational hazard. A thousand years later, youd be hard pressed to find a male outside the cave longer than five point nine inches. ALEX That makes no sense, big penises didnt go extinct. Are you saying porn is fake? Watch it in hi-def. Its not. ALI Im not saying big dicks went extinct, Im saying all they did was hang out in the cave fucking their sisters. For years, causing generation after generation of wellhung inbred babies. ALEX What inspired this theory of yours? ALI Name one male with an IQ higher than 70 and still brags about his penis size. ALEX (beat) Stephen Hawking. ALI Okay, well, yeah. Hes the exception. Obviously. The door BANGS open, kicked in by Alanna, she enters with two giant suitcases, plopping them on the floor. ALANNA Story time, kids. You go first.

8. ALEX Alis racist. (beat) Neat. What? ALANNA

ALI

ALEX You just said you think all black guys are legally retarded. ALI I suppose I did... ALEX (to Alanna) You brought bags. ALANNA Its my turn? Okay. In the last hour I got dumped, evicted, and fired from a job I didnt know I had. Ali whistles in awe. Golly. ALEX

ALANNA Oh, and Im broke, too. How? ALI

ALANNA I emptied my bank account. You dont go to war under-financed, and Im going to Vancouver to wage my own personal war on drugs, if Im alive after doing them all, I win. Travel buddies? Drug buddies? ALI ALEX

Kay.

Kay.

9. EXT. ALIS FORD ESCAPE - DRIVING - DAY Ali drives, Alanna counts up a big wad of cash shotgun. Alex in the back. ALANNA Im gonna be honest with you, Im not sad in the slightest. When relationships are shit, you dont get sad when they end. ALI Howd he break it to you? ALANNA Effeminately. ALEX I dont believe you. ALANNA Have you met Davis? ALEX No, I mean I dont believe that youre not at least slightly choked. Bottling that shit up isnt healthy, you know. ALANNA Can you be excited for me, you assholes? Im about to have my first decent intercourse in months. (to Alex) Either way, I dont see how this could be a subject you particularly specialize in. ALEX Whats that supposed to mean? ALI Oh, come on! ALANNA I know, right? (to Alex) It means, your barren cooch has seen less action than... than... (to Ali) Help. ALI Um... A broken... Uh... Taliban...

10. ALANNA Jesus. Your vagina is desolate and uninviting, is what were trying to say. ALI Like a hairy Siberia, Alex. ALEX Thank you, Ali, for making that clear. ALANNA Well dont get all pissy about it. It makes the getting-you-laidpriority shoot up to our number one spot. ALEX Well, its never been too much of a priority for me, so Ill pass. ALANNA Christ, has it been so long you dont think you need the dick? ALI Thats the worst. ALEX You two sound like the beginning of an American Pie movie. A shitty one that went straight-to-DVD. ALANNA You get all up in my grill about burying feelings and shit, but when therapist points the pad at you, your nuts shrivel up. ALEX You know, you are way too vulgar for someone who considers themselves classy. ALANNA And you are way too young to start a collection of house cats, so lets go over some rules thatll help get your holes filled. Rules? ALEX

11. ALANNA No reading at the bar. It makes the world think youre satisfied with perpetual masturbation. ALEX What if its true? ALANNA And no beer. Unless its bought for you. ALEX I love beer. ALANNA Beer makes you belch and your pussy smell like the mud after it rains at burning man. Tonight, you love appletinis. EXT. CHADS APARTMENT - NIGHT The escape pulls up. Alanna hands Alex back the wad of cash, along with a scrap of paper. ALANNA Now, youre gonna show us your gratitude by running in. ALEX Im not gonna buy your drugs, I dont even know what to ask for. Alanna hands Alex a scrap of paper. ALANNA I made you a shopping list. ALEX (reading list) Everything. Get two. ALI

ALEX I dont wanna go up there, Chads a little... MaGoo. ALANNA Our stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

12. ALI We told you he boiled his cat, but it was only cabbage. Youll see hes normal when you meet him. ALEX I did meet him once, at the supermarket. He smelled exactly like hot dogs. ALI (to Alanna) He does smell like hot dogs. ALANNA You better make it quick, then. ALEX You two are shit. Alex exits the vehicle. ALANNA We hand her nine hundred dollars and the bitch calls us shit. ALI This must be what its like to be your parents. INT. CHADS APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT CHAD, late twenties, and handsome, in a weird-looking, European avant garde fashion model sort of way, comes into the living room with a ziplock bag, colorful and puffy with pills. A loose housecoat being the only thing covering his holocaustthin body makes Alex a little uneasy. She waits on the couch. CHAD Uppers, downer, and all arounders. He hands her the bag. Thanks. ALEX

CHAD My dogs are ready. You want one? ALEX Thank you, no.

13. CHAD Not even for the road? ALEX Actually, I am the only one out of my friends that eats occasionally. Sure. CHAD What kind of bread would you like? ALEX Doesnt matter. INT. CHADS APARTMENT - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS HOT DOGS dance in the boiling water. Chad dishes up. Alex cant help but notice the chemistry set beside the stove. CHAD Condiments? ALEX Ah, Im good. (re: chemistry set) Whats this? CHAD Its work. Smart decision, going plain, you dont wanna be tasting anything but that beautiful wiener. ALEX What kind of work? Chad hands her a hot dog. CHAD Nummie it up. Alex takes a bite. Its the best fucking hot dog shes ever fucking had in her entire fucking life. Holy shit. ALEX

CHAD I know, right. Nutritious as hell, too. Youll need it tonight. ALEX Actually, I dont really party that hard. Is it safe?

14. CHAD Ya know, me neither. I feel relaxation trumps partying every time. Is what safe? Your work. ALEX

CHAD Of course, why wouldnt it be? Are you afraid I just poisoned you or something? ALEX No, but-- Is this a meth lab? CHAD That is in fact a laboratory for making methamphetamine, yes. ALEX Meth labs blow up, dont they? CHAD Sometimes, but the element that causes all meth lab explosions is the seedy trailer park its in. ALEX Im pretty sure the common element in meth lab explosions is that symbol that says its explosive. And a downtown studio doesnt make it any less volatile. CHAD But a WHMIS certificate does. Trailer park meth labs explode because theyre operated by the type of inbred high-school drop outs that live in trailer parks. This is actually a two-bedroom. Chad pours the leftover hot dog water in a glass. ALEX So this positively wont blow you up? CHAD A newborn baby has a greater chance of exploding in my face and killing me.

15. ALEX Well, thats good, I guess. CHAD Is it though? Theres millions more newborn babies than meth labs. And theyre allowed on planes. Alex chuckles. Chad takes a drink of his hot dog juice. Alex takes that as a cue to exit post haste. ALEX My friends are waiting. CHAD Godspeed, Alex. ALEX Good night! Alex hurries out, almost forgetting her pills. EXT. ALIS FORD ESCAPE - NIGHT Alex jumps in, throwing the bag into the center console. ALEX Lets get the hell out of here. CUT TO: EXT. VANCOUVER - NIGHT The lights of the city shine. We SOAR over in a beautiful series of establishing helicopter shots. EXT. ALIS SUV - DRIVING - NIGHT Tall buildings flow past the windows. The skyscrapers never get old for our girls. ALI Alright, work the wheel. ALANNA (grabbing steering wheel) What are you doing? ALI (swallows a couple pills) Popping.

16. ALANNA What are you taking? Ecstacy? Yep. ALI

(beat) Maybe you should work the pedals too. INT. HIP VANCOUVER BAR - NIGHT Alanna, Ali and Alex walk up to the bar. Immediately, Alanna spots men and, activating predator mode, vanishes. A drink appears in front of Ali, who leaves to say thank you. Alex pulls up a chair. ALEX Can I get a beer? She opens up a dog-eared paperback novella from her purse. CUT TO: INT. HIP VANCOUVER BAR - LATER Alex looks down from her book to the fortress of brown beer bottles. How the hell did she drink ten already? She looks to her left and sees Alanna and a couple MACHO COLLEGE DUDES having quite the cool person time in the chaise lounges. Alex looks to her right and sees Ali engaged in an intense grind, probably with the guy who bought her the drink. EXT. HIP VANCOUVER BAR - NIGHT Alex exits the bar, patting herself down. No cigarettes. All she has is a bag of pills she doesnt want. She looks to the other SMOKERS. ALEX Hey, there, fellow smoker. May I bum? SMOKER Sorry, gal. Last one. Alex, squeezes the pill sack in her pocket and gets an idea.

17. INT. HIP VANCOUVER BAR - CONTINUOUS Alanna chats it up with JOSH THUNDERCOCK and MARK MASCULINE. And its clear they both reeeally would like to get inside her tonight. JOSH Which one is it, Madison. MARK Not the gay one, so that leaves me. ALANNA I dont feel like choosing. JOSH We dont Eiffel tower, man. MARK This guys my bro, and I love him in a non-gay way, but aint nothin gonna make us cross swords. JOSH Not even that ass. ALANNA (pulling out pills) How bout these? EXT. ALLEY BEHIND BAR - DRINK BUYERS CAR - NIGHT Ali sits with the DRINK BUYER, JOHN. Hes handsome, charismatic, and judging by his car, wealthy. He watches her pop her last pill. ALI Hallucinogenic one, Hallucinogenic one, missile away. Thats all she wrote, Johnny. JOHN Na-ah-ah. That aint all she wrote, you got a metric fuckton of party left. John takes an altoid tin out of his pocket and shakes out two white beads. JOHN (CONTD) One for me and one for you.

18. ALI What are they? Fun. JOHN

ALI I dont even know youre last name. John smiles as he pops a pill. JOHN If we die, I owe you a coke. Ali smiles and licks the remaining pill off his hand. JOHN (CONTD) Mmm, purell. ALI (laughing/coughing) I thought it would be sexy. You have very clean hands. JOHN (laughs) Youre a cute idiot. EXT. HIP VANCOUVER BAR - NIGHT Alex finishes her smoke. Its delicious. She enters the bar. INT. HIP VANCOUVER BAR - CONTINUOUS Alanna and Ali are gone, Alex half expected this, shell be pissed when shes sober. She walks up the karaoke stage. CUT TO: INT. HIP VANCOUVER BAR - NIGHT Alex SINGS. Badly. We hear this as OVER: INT. FRAT APARTMENT - NIGHT Alanna is sandwiched on the small couch between the testosterone twins. She alternates sucking face with them, subtly inching their heads closer together.

19. EXT. ALLEY BEHIND BAR - CAR - NIGHT Alis giggling escalates to an upchuck. She hangs out of the car, vomit slapping onto the concrete. John holds her, keeping her from falling into it. INT. HIP VANCOUVER BAR - NIGHT Alex continues to sing, BURPING into the microphone, everyone hears the sound of puke trying to escape her throat. AUDIENCE MEMBER Jesus Christ! A WELL-DRESSED ELDERLY COUPLE leave their steaks at their table. INT. FRAT APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT Alanna pilots the ordeal in the room, Mark on her front, Josh on her rear. Clothes start to slip off. EXT. ALLEY BEHIND BAR - CAR - NIGHT Ali is completely out. John observes her for a second, then the surroundings. He routinely fastens her seat belt and starts his car, cool as a sinister cucumber. INT. HIP VANCOUVER BAR - NIGHT The crowd is turning hostile. Alex shields the heckles with a middle finger. ALEX Its almost over, you crackheads! INT. FRAT APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT Everyones standing in their underthings now. Groping, squeezing, kissing. INT. JOHNS CAR - DRIVING - NIGHT John drives, his black eyes glancing at unconscious Ali. The fiendish anticipation makes his pupils gigantic.

20. INT. HIP VANCOUVER BAR - NIGHT Alex BELTS the last verses of the song. Most of the audience members are gone. Only a few as drunk as her remain. INT. FRAT APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT Alanna grabs Josh and PITCHES him to the bed. She turns around to Mark, who grabs at her tits, going in for a kiss. Using some type of sexual karate, she rounds him, and SHOVES him on top of Josh. EXT. SEEDY APARTMENT - NIGHT John carries Ali up the steps into an EXTREMELY DILAPIDATED building. INT. HIP VANCOUVER BAR - NIGHT Alex drunkenly holds the final note, beer foam starts to rise up her throat. INT. FRAT APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT Before Mark and Josh can correct the homoerotic mound Alanna threw them in, she unsnaps her bra and hops on top of them. As they begin to fuck, Alexs song comes to a GARGLING END. FADE OUT. FADE IN: INT. FRAT APARTMENT - BEDROOM - LATER Its an hour or so later, but by the state of Mark and Josh youd swear it was a decade. Their naked, sweaty, muscular white asses piled over each other like a pair of day-old wenches from Roman times. Something truly epic has taken place here. A phone on the dresser VIBRATES, making a LOUD BUZZ. Alanna, looking inhumanly pristine, rushes in the room and answers it. ALANNA Alex! You almost ruined the best part!

21. ALEX (O.S.) (on phone) Good, you ditching bitch. ALANNA I ditched? No, you disappeared! If you stuck around, you couldve had a man tonight! ALEX (O.S.) Oh yeah, which one? Top or bottom? Alanna looks at her work. Two macho jocks, nude, snuggling, touching dicks. Leaving them as such makes Alanna ghoulishly grin. INT. FRAT APARTMENT - OUTSIDE HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Alanna shuts the door gingerly, careful not to disturb the men. ALEX (O.S.) (on phone) Wait, is Ali with you? ALANNA No, I had to shut off my phone she was texting me so damn much. What? ALEX (O.S.)

ALANNA Wait. What number are you calling from? You thought your phone was a bar of soap again, didnt you? ALEX (O.S.) My phones fine, I just cant use it now. Soon, though. ALANNA Youre talking shit. Meet me so we can sort this out over pizza. ALEX (O.S.) Actually, you have to meet me. Why? ALANNA

22. INT. DRUNK TANK - CONTINUOUS Alex is on the pay phone. An OFFICER monitors her. (beat) Because. ALEX

CUT TO: INT. DRUNK TANK - NIGHT - LATER Alex waits at the window to receive her things. Alanna waits with her, less than impressed. ALANNA Youre supposed to be here till morning, you drunken lumberjack, but I slipped an extra twenty and a fake phone number. Guy was nice, actually. Thank god Vancouver cops are corrupt pieces of shit. ALEX Track down Ali? ALANNA Voicemail. And Im jobless, so dont think Ill forget you owe me twenty bucks. The CLERK comes to the window with a manila folder of Alexs stuff. She starts to unload. CLERK One watch, one Chuckie the evil doll pez dispenser, one Chucky the rugrat pez dispenser, one mobile phone, one thousand and two hundred dollars cash, one wedding ring. Alex takes back her things, she gives Alanna $20 from her baseball sized wad of cash, a pitiful amount in comparison. Scrolling through her phone: ALEX She left me a pindrop. Alex plays it.

23. INT. CAB - DRIVING - NIGHT The cab whistles through downtown, the CABBIE clearly bribed to step on it. Alex is on her cell phone with someone. INTERCUT WITH: INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT AN OFFICER with baggy eyes alone in the bullpen, hating the job he most likely got demoted to. He cradles the phone in his jowls. OFFICER Maam, a uniform checked the location we were given and your friend wasnt there. ALEX WHATS YOUR NAME, SIR? EXT. SEEDY APARTMENT - NIGHT The building is so abhorrent its almost exotic. The cab screeches to a standstill, slamming Alex into the Plexiglas. She drops her phone, fumbling it back up. ALEX (into phone) Hello? ALANNA (to Cabbie) Is this it? Yes. CABBIE

ALEX Fucker hung up on me. Is this the place? ALANNA (to Cabbie) Hold on now. Fifty bucks to wait for us? CABBIE Ive already been waiting for you! ALEX Alanna, what are you doing?

24. ALANNA Like well get another cab in this neighborhood. Gimmie a fifty. Alex hands Alanna a fifty dollar bill. CABBIE Fine, yes. For fifty dollars I wait thirteen minutes. ALEX Thirteen? Not fourteen? Not twelve? ALANNA Well be out in five. Control your autism, Alex. Christ sake. The Cabbie holds his hand out, Alanna rips the bill in half, a gesture he is unfamiliar with. CABBIE What? What the fuck are you doing, you stupid girl! Im-ALANNA

CABBIE Out! Get out of my cab you fucking privileged white slut bitches! Taunt me with sex and money! OUT! ALANNA Its okay, its just so-ALEX Sir, where we come from--

CABBIE (CONTD) (pulling out a revolver) I come from THIS! From the KILLING in our cabs! ALANNA (jumping out) Aah! ALEX

Aah!

Alex hops out while Alanna is spit out of the door, landing flat on her ass in the street. The cab screeches away, echoing into the neighborhood, making it dangerously quiet all of a sudden.

25. ALANNA Im sure were both thinking this: Racists... They may be on to something. Alex walks up to the building and jerks at the door. It sheds paint chips and dust, but the lock still has a few years left. ALEX Shit. Wait a minute. Alex moves a piece of cardboard propped beside the door, covering a giant HOLE in the wall. She slides through it. ALANNA Oh, poor people. Never ceases to give me the chuckles. INT. SEEDY APARTMENT - HALLWAY - NIGHT The girls round a corner and see a MAN curling up by a chair, facing an apartment door, nuzzling a SILENCED SHOTGUN. ALANNA This place is kind of awesome. They sneak up. Careful not to wake him, Alex slides the gun out of the Mans embrace. It SLIPS-- Falling right onto the Mans head with a helluva THUNK. He has no reaction. The girls share a look of puzzled relief. Alex re-collects the gun, and tries the doorknob. Its locked. Fascinated by the drug-induced hibernation, Alanna BOOTS the man in the kidney as hard as she can. Incredible. Nothing. ALEX What the fuck are you doing! ALANNA Calm down, Im sure he gets this all the time. Right, guvnor? (slapping him) Eh? ALEX He probably has the keys, check his pockets. ALANNA He probably has the AIDS, you check his pockets.

26. Alex rolls her eyes and rummages in his pockets, finds a set of keys, and unlocks the door. ALEX Now whats so fucking difficult about that? ALANNA Telling your parents you have the AIDS. Obviously. INT. JOHNS APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS A real shithole. The polar opposite of a place youd expect from someone like John. That guys just full of surprises. The flickering TV illuminates the room in spasms. Alex and Alanna approach the only shut door. Alex hands the shotgun to Alanna, who grips it like a broom handle, not quite in her element. Alex jerks her to into a firing stance, then gives a get ready gesture slipping a key in the lock. She nods: One... Two... THREE-INT. JOHNS APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT The girls BURST in. Alanna takes aim and eagerly pulls the trigger before realizing its Ali shes aiming at. CLICK. And thank ever loving Santa Claus the safetys on. Alanna flips the gun around wondering whats wrong with it. Alex rushes to Ali. Ali! ALEX ALANNA (catching up)

Ali!

ALEX Are you okay-ALANNA Lets get out of here! ALI (dazed) Im not exactly a hundred per cent. (MORE)

27. ALI (CONT'D) (to Alanna) Did you try to shoot me? ALANNA Thats not important right now, we need to leave. Leaving is whats important. Alex pulls Ali to her feet. ALEX What happened? Here, sit on the bed. ALI No thank you. ALEX You should-- Oh! The whole of the bed is SLICK with DARK RED BLOOD. ALANNA Ew, what the fuck? ALEX Ali... What happened? ALI John. From the bar. He bought me a drink. We were in his car. (beat) Then he woke me up. SMASH CUT TO: INT. JOHNS APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT - EARLIER Dark and hazy. Johns NAKED, FLAILING, and SCREAMING IN AGONY. Throwing on his clothes in a frenzy, his crotch is GUSHING blood. JOHN Oh lord jesusfuck! John leaves Ali, still stuck paralyzed in the dark as a sickos blow up doll. From the NEXT ROOM she HEARS: JOHN (O.S.) (CONTD) Nate! Wake up! I got another one, shell be up before I get back. Make sure she doesnt-- Pay attention, you dunce! (MORE)

28. JOHN (O.S.) (CONTD) Make sure she doesnt leave. You know what, take a kitchen chair, and sit on it out in the hall. No! Youre gonna fall asleep on the couch, cause youre a fucking junkie. Awe... NATE (O.S.)

JOHN (O.S.) If I come back to my door and I dont see you in front of it, Im not even going inside. Im turning around, straight to your parents house to rape your mom! You know I want to! NATE (O.S.) Okay, jesus... John leaves, closes the door with a bang. NATE (O.S.)(CONTD) Hey-- Your dick... CUT TO: INT. JOHNS APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT Back to present. Alanna and Alex listen as Ali finishes her story. ALI After a while, I could move, so I grabbed my phone and called the police, who never showed, then Alex, who doesnt answer, then Alanna, who keeps hanging up! ALEX Well, now were here. We found you. The police were no help for us, either. ALANNA Ah, that explains the mess in the hallway. ALI He was there?

29. ALANNA (showing off the shotgun) Where do you think we got this? ALI Did you kill him? ALANNA Poor parenting beat us to the punch. ALEX Why did he have to leave so fast? ALI The blood on the bed is his. He-ALANNA What? He cut himself? ALI Yeah, well-ALANNA Did he cut himself opening a condom wrapper? Because that happens a lot. Ive done that. ALI More like ripped. (beat) Himself. (slowly) On my jewwwwwelry. ALEX ALANNA Nofuckingway! ALI (CONTD)

OH!

Yeah...

ALANNA That should make it easier for his cell mate to pretend hes a woman. Lets go now. No. Why? ALI ALEX

30. ALI Because when he comes back Im scraping off the rest of his dick, and making him choke on it. ALANNA Woah, lets think here, Ali. This guys obviously done this before. (noticing something on the floor) Oh my god, is that it? Using a wayward sock, Alanna picks up what can only be unmistakably described as the bloody half of a penis. ALI Good guess. ALANNA Wow. Good job, Ali. ALEX Alright, Alanna. ALANNA Alex, its heavy, feel it. Alanna offers it to Alex, right in her face. ALEX Get that fucking thing away from me, Im not even joking. Alanna continues to shove the penis to Alex. ALANNA Relax, its dead, just use the sock. ALEX Ill fucking stab you. ALANNA How often do you get to-Alex smacks it out of Alannas hand, it SPLATS onto the dresser mirror, and slides down it. Alanna chuckles. ALANNA (CONTD) You got a little something... Alanna points to Alexs forehead, now speckled with dick blood. Alex looks in the mirror.

31. ALEX Oh, you fucking bitch. Alex starts scrubbing her head with a napkin. Guys. ALI

ALANNA Oh, fuck. Yeah, I was in the middle of saying something. Sorry, Ali, the penis made me lose focus. ALEX She had to repeat the seventh grade for the same reason. ALANNA (to Alex) That was solid. But Ali, I digress. This John guys obviously done this before, the cops probably got a buncha shit on him already. Theyll believe whatever you say. ALI Fuck you, Alanna. They didnt believe me enough to come and knock on the goddamn door. You two can go if you want, just leave me the gun. ALANNA I dont think it works. Ali snatches the gun from Alanna, Alex tries to take it, theres a struggle-BLAM-O! Half the damn roof CAVES IN, a storm of ancient dust, splinters, and plaster engulf Johns bedroom. The dust settles, revealing a LARGE CASE on the bed. Alanna walks to it, completely ignoring the hole in the roof. Huh... ALANNA (CONTD)

ALEX (up the hole) Hello? Neighbor? ALI I dont think anyones up there.

32. Alanna flips the case right side up, letting out a strenuous heave. Its a big, heavy bastard. Ali and Alex watch Alanna clipping and unzipping. Hooking her fingertips under the flap, taking just a beat before-THROWING it open. Mouths and eyes go WIDE at its contents: COCAINE. COCAINE. COCAINE. ALANNA Okay, new plan. Ali, I changed my position on calling the po-pos. I am no longer for it. Your plan of lying in wait for revenge, as it turns out, is unnecessary as well as ineffective. Youre not a murderer. Look at you! Youre adorable! ALI So what, then? ALEX I know what shes gonna say-ALANNA We fuck off. De-ma-terialize. Go home. (beat) A hundred and five pounds heavier. ALI And John gets to walk? ALANNA Okay, say youre here and he finally shows up, straight from the hospital, fresh new vagina-- This his wallet? Probably. ALI

ALANNA (picking it up) And you, by some miracle are not asleep, or taking a poo, or dead of infection, manage to get him right in front of your shotgun, pantsshittingly surprised. (MORE)

33. ALANNA (CONT'D) Now in all likelihood, hed take that opportunity to disable you, but lets pretend he drops to his knees in a snotty mess begging for his life. Are you really going to stare this shit down like Judge fuckin Dredd and say: Goodbye, John-(reading his ID) Rapist? On Johns ID next to his mug shot IT IN FACT STATES HIS LEGAL NAME AS: RAPIST, JOHN DAKOTA-LEE. ALANNA (CONTD) Jesus Christ, Ali! (beat) Anyway, youre not going to murder anyone. But one of you is gonna halfta kill the other, making things real disadvantageous real fast. HOWEVER! Somebodys significant profit just fell in our lap. So when the very brutal people upstairs go looking for their case, all theyre going to find is a giant hole leading right to this bedroom. (beat) Opportunity didnt just knock tonight, guys, it fell through the fucking roof, and we can reach into the cosmos, snatch our future, and get away with it scott free. ALEX The dead guy outside has a car... ALI Fuck it! Lets roll out! Alanna zips up the case. ALANNA And people call you dumb. ALI You really dont think I could kill this guy? ALANNA Not after he left you a fifty per cent tip.

34. Ali and Alex laugh heartily. ALANNA (CONTD) And just like that, were laughing! Golly, coke is amazing! FADE OUT.