Helms 1 Alyssa Jane Helms Jane Brady HONRS150, sec.

8 2 February 2010 Inner Truths The waiting room smelled like peppermint. I hate peppermint. Almost as much as I hated that office. There were magazines laying on the table in front of me, and normally I would have picked them up so that I could discover the latest celebrity gossip, but my own life had me entertained enough. What have I gotten myself into? I hate talking about myself, especially to total strangers. There is no way that she can ever help me. I dont need help. Besides, trying to explain my feelings is like trying to communicate with someone who doesnt speak my languagemost of the time I feel like while I understand my thoughts, new words would have to be invented just to express them to another person. Im not even sure if Im depressed. How can she ever know? How can I ever know? Alyssa Jane, she called, breaking off my thoughts. It was too late to back out.

When I was a little kid, the excitement and importance of my life paled in comparison to that of my sisters lives. Whitney was a great singer, pole-vaulter and hair-stylist. Rebecca had her gymnastics and status as the youngest childshe was irresistible. I never excelled in much besides school, and while I was the only one bringing home straight As, it didnt seem to matter much to my parents. I was expected to excel in school. When I did well, nothing happened, but if I didnt, they were disappointed. I felt like my own achievements meant nothing and I wished more than anything that my life could be more like my sisters. When Whitney and Rebecca got

Helms 2 braces at the same time, I was convinced that I was missing out on something wonderful. I was so excited when it was my turn to go to the orthodontist; however, the excitement was short lived. Braces did not enrich my life, nor did they make me more like my sisters. When they both started to attend counseling, it was like the braces situation all over again. I wanted to go. I wanted to experience what they were experiencing. It was the wrong motivation.

I followed her into her office and immediately began fidgeting. This was our second visit and the newness and excitement of counseling had already worn off. I looked at my pants, my hands, the wallanything to avoid eye contact. The only wonderful aspect about counseling had been that it was foreign, unknown and something that made me more like my sisters. Now I was feeling the same disappointment and frustration I had felt after getting my braces. How had I made the same mistake twice? How did last week go? she asked. Did you come prepared with your list? I had been instructed to create a list of all of the wonderful things about me. The list hadnt been hard. The only hard part had been stopping. FineI guess. I have it right here, I muttered without looking up. OK, good. This week we are going to concentrate on something new. Can I ask you a few questions? I nodded my head and she began. Do you have any abnormal feelings of sadness, irritability or tension? More than normal? I dont think so

I left the cafeteria and entered the empty classroom. I had nothing else to do so I sat down and held onto my only solid thought: breathe in, breathe out. Time went on as I kept perfectly

Helms 3 still. Students entered, class started, and I tried to ignore the silent tears falling down my face. It was one of the worst days of my life and I had no idea why. I tried to brush it off as a result of being tired, but that didnt explain why I felt so awful. It wasnt the first time either. I would often have these bouts of sadness, where I knew I was sad but I could find no plausible reason. At moments like this, any talking, any form of communication, and I would find myself in inconsolable tearsunable to stop myself and unable to make sense of my situation.

OK, she said as she jotted something down. Do you have a decreased interest or pleasure in usual activities or hobbies? No.

Alyssa Jane! I have not seen you all day! This was a bit unusual as we lived in the same apartment. Do you want to have a sleepover in our room tonight? Were going to watch movies and play games. Any other weekend and I would have been excited. Usually, I was excited. It was just a regular weekend in my dorm. However, I was not in a regular mood. In fact, I was not in the mood to participate in anything. My only desire was to be left alone to sleep, to watch to TV, to do anything, really, as long as it didnt require interaction with others and thinking. While it was normal for me to spend an hour or two in this mood every once in a while, it wasnt normal for me to feel this way for a long period of time with no hope of ever coming out of it. I didnt want to feel this way, but I could think of no way to change how I was feeling either. There was no reason for it, thus there was no solution.

She looked up and then continued, Do you feel a loss of energy?

Helms 4 Im tired, but I also dont sleep as much as I should. Im up late doing homework. Have you experienced a decrease in activity? No. A decrease from what? There hasnt been much activity in my life since I was ten. I dont have time for anything else between getting straight As and dealing with my little siblings.

As a little kid I loved the thrill of running. I loved being able to cross large distances in a matter of seconds. It was like I was flyingthe faster I went, the more free I felt. My favorite activity was chasing the boys at recess. I especially enjoyed chasing Daniel. Until his dad came to school and asked me to stop. I didnt run much after that. When I moved to Idaho, I played soccer, but eventually that ended too. I think it happened gradually as I started focusing more on school. Or at least thats what I told myself. I still play tennis in the spring, but besides that one activity, I dont feel like I have the strength to do anything. All I want to do is play card games, sleep and lie down. Occasionally, Ill have days where I have a big burst of energy (I call them my hyper days) and I want to walk, dance and prance around. But eventually it fades and Im right back to where I was: doing nothing.

You said that you dont sleep as much as you should because of homework, but besides that, have you experienced a change in sleeping patterns such as difficulty falling asleep, early morning awakening or, this one probably isnt true, sleeping too much? I thought for a moment and then replied, No. I mean sometimes, but no.

One, two, three, four. I tried counting sheep but they kept zooming past in my head, too fast for me keep count. Desperate, I tried, Sleep! I command you! but it had no effect. I

Helms 5 was awake even though I wanted nothing more than to sleep. I tried to keep myself occupied so that I would grow exhausted and collapse, but it took what seemed like the entire night. It always does. Sometimes I feel as though I must treat my mind as a little kid and tire it out so that I might go to sleep. Unfortunately, this is not where my problems end. I also wake up a lot in the middle of the night, disappointing myself after I have tricked myself into falling asleep. I enter a state in between the world of the asleep and the world of the awake. Its all an extension of my dreams. I imagine that Im doing homework. I write letters. I talk to myself about the time on the clock. In my in-between dreams, everything is so wonderful. But then I wake up and although Ive been partially conscious, I have resolved none of the issues of my day. Ive only wasted the time I had to sleep.

OK. She wrote herself another note and then continued, Do you feel restless or slowed down? I feel normalso I guess I feel whatever normal is.

I want to learn. I want to retain all the information I take in. But at the same time, I dont. The learning process is just too hard. I dont possess enough energy to do it well. In my freshman science class we had a test on clouds. I studied for a long time, but when it came time to take the test, I looked down at my paper and I couldnt remember a single thing about clouds. Not a single thing. Would you count that as slowing down?

Do you have a decreased ability to make decisions or concentrate?

Helms 6 Im not very good at making decisions, but its always been that way.

We are daughters of a Heavenly Father who loves us and we love him. We believe What did we believe? Tears ran down my cheeks. Despite repeating this same message every Sunday, I had no idea what we believed. My legs were shaking, my mind was in pain and I was helplessly confused. I desperately clung to my mothers arm as I tried to make sense of what was happening. I knew this. I should have been able to recite it without thinking. Second article of faith: We believe that once again I was at a loss for words. I had hit a wall and suddenly I couldnt count on myself to know anything. My mind was empty.

OK, she said thoughtfully. Do you have feelings of worthless, hopelessness or guilt? This one is important. No. I love myself, I replied. See? How could I ever be depressed?

I dreaded the words Lets play a game because I was undoubtedly excluded. Oh, they would say that I could join in, but they made no effort. I was not wanted in their presence. Hidden behind their inclusion were thoughts of resentment or pride that they were doing me a favor. I was convinced that this was a truth. I was convinced that everyone looked down on me. My friends. My best friend. Every month I faced a new variation of this internal struggle, and my best friend was sick of what he viewed as my constant critiques of his behavior.

Helms 7 You dont answer my texts fast enough. Sometimes I have to wait for hours. I dont think you really want to talk with me. I feel like you think Im just a nuisance and you only talk to me at school because you are kind and I am your pity case. You never invite me over. Does that mean that you dont want me around? Should I try to avoid you altogether? Is that the message you are trying to send me? I didnt mean to accuse him, but I didnt know how else to make myself to feel better. I love myself, but no one loves me.

Its good that you love yourself, she smiled. Our last question is this: have you ever had thoughts of suicide or death? Of course Yes, but like I said, I love myself. Besides, Im afraid of death.

As the soloists rich, base voice reached me in my seat, my mind caught hold upon the fussy child sitting in front of me. I wonder what would happen if he had a pair of scissors. Would he turn around and stab me with them? I dont think he would mean to do it, but perhaps he would. If he did, I would want it to be my arm. I would have to make sure that the scissors stayed in the entire time so that I wouldnt bleed out too much. Though I might pull them out with the shock of the assault. The pain would be too much to bearI couldnt survive something like that. The thoughts of my body withering in pain snapped me out of my daydream and back into the concert. However, this story was filed away with the rest of themthe other scenarios in which I could possibly die.

Helms 8 Is it alright if we bring your mom in here so that I can talk to both of you about what Id like to do next? Yeah, I guess so. What am I going to have to do now? I really want to be done. I want to get away from this counseling. It was a mistake. She doesnt know anything about me. My mom came into the room, and while she sat in anticipation, I sat in dread. I think Alyssa Jane should see a psychiatrist. I feel like she is suffering from depression, and I think she needs to talk to the doctor about perhaps going on some anti-depressants. I was shocked. I didnt think that things would end up that way. Thoughts began racing through my head in defiance. Why shouldnt I be sad? Its not like I have anything in my life to be happy about. Im ignored by my family, everyone hates mebut at least I love myself. Im no danger to myself. Who doesnt think about death? But I would never harm myselfIts just that Im not anyone elses number one priority. Everyone else is more worried about other people. I am only worthless in everyone elses eyes. How does giving me medicine help how everyone else feels about me?

I struggled for a long time with that last thought. I went to the psychiatrist and started taking anti-depressants, but I never felt like they were doing anything. I never felt like I was the problem, therefore, I couldnt be part of the solution. The irrational sadness, decreased interest, loss of energy, difficulty sleeping and loss of concentration went away with the implementation of the drugs, but my lack of confidence in the world and its opinion of me didnt. As a result I couldnt see a difference in my situation. I didnt see the point in taking them. I stopped.

Helms 9 Lets make a Christmas Card! We can all dress up and take a picture out in the snow. I had never done something like this before; I never had a reason to. But now I did, and I was excited. I had four wonderful friends who I knew loved me; I had begun to trust the world.

I need to get out of here. I am drowning. I packed my computer and textbook into my backpack and I made my escape to the JFSB, to a place where I had once found solace. I just wanted a little peace. I began to work on my homework, trying to fill my head with other thoughts. My sadness won out. I began to cry. My life was hopeless and I just wanted to give up and fade away. I dont know how long I just sat there crying. Eventually, I got a text message from my mother that simply said, Have you had a priesthood blessing? It was late at night but I knocked on his door. I was determined to be blessed. Whos there? Alyssa Jane. He opened the door and with all the strength I had left, I sobbed out, Can you give me a blessing? I waited for him to get ready. I was still crying, but when he blessed me I heard the words of the Lord speak comfort to me.

Wow. Its been three years. I didnt think it had been that long. Yes. You havent been here since January of 2007. So the last note I have here says that you went completely off the meds and were feeling fine. How are you feeling now? I wish there was some way for her to just read my thoughts. Im not even quite sure how Im feeling, besides miserable. Putting aside my dislike for answering questions about myself, I tried my hardest to put into words how I had been feeling. She asked me the same questions that

Helms 10 the counselor had asked me so long ago. This time I tried to answer them. I tried to let her know how I was feeling. I needed help.

On the plane ride back to Utah from home, I looked out at the clear white clouds against the baby blue sky. I dont want to leave. Being away from my parents is just too hard. I need them. I need them by my side to let me know that they love me and that I can do this. This was going to be hard. I was depressed. But it was also a new beginningan opportunity to be happy. I was back on meds and I wanted, no I needed to be happy more than anything else in this world.