Paper 4 Word Count: 1,263 Roedah Mansour Honors 345: Pilgrimages and Idle Travels Frances McCue October

28, 2013 TITLE?

There was no way they could convince me I was not going to accompany my cousins to the Land of the Stars.. With all of the industrial pollution in Southern California, I would be astonished to find any true stars there at all! Id much rather stay at home, thank you very much. (Dont be offended.) California has loads of lovely places to see, among whichand many are destinations that I am sure would appeal to many people (please do understand this), but I was not going to tag along (and pay all of those unnecessary expenses!) as a baby-sitter for a bunch of couples stuck in their honeymoon stage. My cousins and their husbands and wives could count me out. (Dont get me wrong I love their kids, however, it was the principle of the thing.) Just because I was the youngest of the bunch and was still (publically) single did not mean I would be free to watch their kids at their every whim, no. (Of course, what they didnt know about my emotional attachments wouldnt hurt them, but thats another story.)
Comment [FM4]: Are you sure you want to put this here? Comment [FM3]: Isnt it great to end a sentence with no? Comment [FM2]: Okay, now I feel that the point of view is unifying. Its really fun to read. Comment [FM1]: I see that you are moving perspective from a sort of narrative third person in the first couple of sentences to a second person, direct address.

Paper 4 Word Count: 1,263 Sure, I would have been ecstatic to go to the Bay Area where the weather fares similarly to Seattles, where the people there are not all annoying tourists or residents who are sick of tourists, and where the land has trees. Real trees. Not dry, furry trunks with desiccated palm leaves sparsely decorating the streets. If the said palm trees didnt scream summer death, what would? Id much rather a cool, temperate spot to spend time in. I would have even agreed to visit Sacramento. We have family there, and they live amidst with acres of fruit trees and with abundant summer harvests. There would have been less flashy attractions to feel obliged to make rounds to in the fantastical Californian pilgrimage of the American tourist. There would have been more time to see the cities, to cruise the streets. There would have been more time to taste the culture of the people, without choking on the sparkly glitter of rides and the underbuttered, over-salted popcorn of amusement parks. Southern California has always been the epitome of glamour and of clichs people go there just to take a picture with a star on the ground. Id take the time to ask for the names and constellations of those stars, but Id realize this: they were named for a bunch of famous people and they formed Constellation Arrogant Memory (the Walk of Fame for many to follow). Human stars names were etched into the ground to be remembered, to inspire others. It is a proud manner, however, to go about
Comment [FM9]: I dont follow Comment [FM8]: Not sure about these sentences. Could they be better crafted? Comment [FM7]: This sentence needs editing. Comment [FM6]: I get a little turned around here. Is your narrator saying that she would rather be someplace like seattle? Comment [FM5]: I dont quite get this?

Paper 4 Word Count: 1,263 wanting to be remembered in such a way. Why not impact so many that their names cannot be forgotten? Why have their names printed on stone on a sidewalk that runs through Hollywood? It is a tourists attraction to visit the star they look up to most, but how superficial would it be to idolize the star in question? A star on the ground, no less. One they can step on, walk over, prance upon. How foolish, to find it so enticing an experience, to want to take a picture with the ground. (Why dont they try hugging it, too?) Various personsSome people will find themselves in Southern California because they are deceived into thinking they will have a chance to meet those stars, their favorite actors and actresses, singers and songwriters, in person. All they would have to do is spend enough time in Hollywood, but they would probably wind up fantasizing so many possible scenarios, that they start to think it would be the perfect way to meet a potentially passionate lover. The excitement of a torrent relationship, an illicit meeting with a famous person would be the fan-fiction-turned-reality story of the century. Scary, stalking fans are what these travelers become. They get so consumed by the want and eventual need to find their rolemodels, idols, faux lovers, that they lose themselves in their trip. Its monstrous and a sad violation of privacy for the actors and actresses who find fans on the premises of their
Comment [FM10]: You lose me here, somewhat. Comment [FM11]: Nice observation.

Paper 4 Word Count: 1,263 homes, cameras in hand. Lingering, lurking, watching, these travelers are your average fans (if one were to up the ante and completely disregard their infringement of the rights of privacy of the stars oh, the price of stardom), determined to meet their beloved celebrities. People also go to Southern California to scope out babes and hot bods on Venice Beach, sporting their muscle tee-shirts or bikinis and spray tans contrary to popular belief, no one has the time to be tan all year round, except in L.A. (and even then, they are putting in too much effort to maintain that highlighter orange glow). They are the tourists who follow the trends. Silly at times, these are the ones who worry about the way they will be received by the residents of their destination. What they dont know is that they are ugly and hated. They are not from L.A. they would never fit in. Theyre just taking up space, wasting the resources of those native to the city. There would not be any compatibility between the travelers and the inhabitants who gawk at the petty efforts of the visitors, stained in shades of turmeric and chili. No, there will be no budding romance with residents in L.A. who were seen half naked on the beach. No, they will not impress anyone in particular. They make fools of themselves when they leave the beach to join the L.A. nightlife, trying to meld into the crowds and live out
Comment [FM12]: Wow. This goes way off, Roedah.

Paper 4 Word Count: 1,263 their trips, having a blur of messy nights and drunk recollections. Fools just want to have fun. Many go to Southern California to have fun by setting free their inner child. Disney Land, Universal Studios, Knotts Berry Farm there is an abundance of theme parks to unlock the youthful spirit dying to escape the confines of the reality of growing up. To relive ones childish exuberance is a large reason people have to leave home for a vacation in the sun with Mickey Mouse and nauseating roller coaster rides. These are the poor, unfortunate souls who do not appreciate their lives as they have them. They are the ones who do not find reason to smile in their everyday routines. They are the ungrateful ones. It takes a costly ticket (or numerous) for entrance into an excessively boastful and magical park with , blinding, bright colors, and expensive, greasy food to have fun. A lavish waste, a hole in their pockets, is the rate of exchange for them to make memories worth having. Pathetic. They are only deluding themselves, leading themselves into a false establishment of cheeriness. The faade almost always drops once home, and the depressive cycle of the obsessive search of childish wonder and innocent times grows more demanding, and less and less satisfying. So we grow up. It is inevitable. We all travel to unwind, to meet new people, to try new things, but I refused to go to Southern California. I was not
Comment [FM18]: Id consider leaving out the word pathetic so that your reader feels comfortable about going along with you. Comment [FM16]: These are strong sentences too. Comment [FM17]: This one turns menacing. Do you want that component to your narration? Comment [FM15]: Good sentence. Comment [FM14]: I see that there is a repetition in structureyou give a reason why people go to SOCAL and then you resist it. Comment [FM13]: Wow. This is a total rant. Are you having fun with it?

Paper 4 Word Count: 1,263 the same foolish traveler as the many before me the expensive theme parks and the beaches did not call out to me, they did not appeal to the traveler in me. I have always craved novelty, but an experience different from the clich would have done better in advertising to me a vacation destination. Rather, I find myself comfortable in the caf nestled in the heart of the small town I attended high school in, right off the southern tip of Seattle. I wouldnt mind a summer here at all.
Comment [FM20]: Lovely. Comment [FM19]: I love this part of your narration Roedah. Its such a clear, strong, authentic voice.

Hi Roedah, You do so many things well in this piece! Heres what I was impressed by: 1) the clear sentences about your narrators resistance to going on the journeythese are really strong, especially at the beginning and the end; 2) your images of the hometown and the imagined places of SO CAL; 3) your willingness to take risks with the voice and unlock some compelling perspectives. Bravo.