David Havens, December 2009

Making Constellations
An exercise in Connecting the Dots Intro. Descartes said, more or less, that if he had known where his meditations were going, he would not have started. Anne Carson says that the unknown must remain unknown or the novel ends. ith that, let us begin our !uest to further obscure the unknown. And "ust so you can#t blame me when nothing makes sense $which is and is not the goal%, this is a Choose&your&own&Adventure anthology, so you can either follow my suggestions at the end of each 'age or ski( around gaily on your own $Calvin once told Hobbes that he#ll never connect the dots in order again, because then he "ust gets the (icture on the front of the book%. )t can also be read straight through. *n"oy the s(ace between (ages. +ome of it is mine, some of it is not, but all of it is yours. ,emember, -)n any act of thinking, the mind must reach across the s(ace between known and unknown, linking one to the other but also kee(ing visible their difference. . e think by (ro"ecting sameness u(on difference./ *ros 010 2h, and if you ever feel like you#re in a loo(, you aren#t $trust me%, but you should (ick a random (age anyway and start fresh from there, es(ecially if you feel a slight d3"4 vu coming on $) never would have (ut in the accents on de"a, e5ce(t ord6 did it automatically%. 77 8ogistically, commentary will be enclosed between these (leasant s!uiggly lines, one yellow, one not, like so. )t might be right aligned or below the (age suggestions or both, de(ending on how ) feel. )t#s art, dammit, don#t ask why, and for 9od#s sake don#t over&analy:e it $see 'age 0;%. 77 <urn the (age. )f you want to "ust "um( right into it, turn to (age ;. ==================-<he which, if you with (atient ears attend what here shall miss, our toils shall strive to mend./============ 'age 0. >ou are born. 8ucky you.

old (ond frog "um(s in (lo( ?asho 77 +i5 words, that#s all you get. 77 )f this is not your first time here, turn to 'age @0. 2therwise continue to 'age 2. ========================================================================== 'age 2. Star Block <here is no such thing as star block. e do not think of locking out the light of other gala5ies. )t is light so rinsed of im(urities $heat, for instance% that it e5cites no antibodies in us. >et (eo(le are curiously soluble in starlight. ?athed in its absence of insistence their substance loosens willingly, their bright designs dissolve. Aot (ro5imity but distance burns us with love. $by Bay ,yan% Am ) +oluble or +im(leC AeitherC +ee (age 0D.; )f you would rather block out the light of other gala5ies, turn to 'age 02. )f you think this is boring, turn to (age E.

=====- hen ) look u( at the constellations ) don#t care if they#re really there or in my head./===== 'age @. Notes Toward a Supreme Fiction )t feels good as it is without the giant, A thinker of the first idea. 'erha(s <he truth de(ends on a walk around a lake, A com(osing as the body tires, a sto( <o see he(atica, a sto( to watch A definition growing certain and A wait within that certainty, a rest )n the swags of (ine&trees bordering the lake. $by allace +tevens% <o see what else can ha((en by a (ine tree, turn to 'age 0E. )f you understand that these (oems were not meant to be understood, turn to (age 2;. ?ut maybe you will get it eventuallyC Faybe not. Gind out at (age 20.

=================== <his is a bit like making a mi5ta(e, don#t you thinkC================== 'age E. 8ife, friends, is boring. e must not say so. After all, the sky flashes, the great se yearns, we ourselves flash and yearn, and moreover my mother told me as a boy $re(eatingly% H*ver to confess you#re bored means you have no )nner ,esources.# ) conclude now ) have no inner resources, because ) am heavy bored. 'eo(les bore me, literature bores me, es(ecially great literature, Henry bores me, with his (lights and gri(es as bad as Achilles, who loves (eo(le and valiant art, which bores me. And the tran!uil hills, I gin, look like a drag and somehow a dog has taken itself I its tail considerably away

into mountains or sea or sky, leaving behindJ me, wag. $Kohn ?erryman, Dream +ongs, 0E% )f you are still bored, go e5ercise for @0 minutes then come back. ) recommend e5ercising socially, either through s(orts or working out with a friend. L(on returning, go to 'age 2@. hat -friends/ is Henry talking toC <o learn about friends, turn to 'age 29.

======================<ime distracts, it does not heal.=============================== 'age ;. .<o be running breathlessly, but not yet arrived, is itself delightful, a sus(ended moment of living ho(e. +u((ression of im(ertinence is not the lover#s aim. Aor can ) believe this (hiloso(her really runs after understanding. ,ather, he has become a (hiloso(her $that is, one whose (rofession is to delight in understanding% in order to furnish himself with (rete5ts for running after to(s. $by Anne Carson, in *ros the ?ittersweet% <urn back to 'age 0. >ou either get to gleefully chase more to(s or you came here from the intro and shame on you, learn some (atience $although ) don#t really wish shame u(on you. ) "ust wanted to use the (hrase%. )f you must (ress on, turn to 'age 2D.

=====-Fy mother forbad us to walk backwards. <hat is how the dead walk, she would say./===== 'age M. hy should she give her bounty to the deadC . Divinity must lie within herselfJ 'assions of rain, or moods in falling snowN 9rievings in loneliness, or unsubdued *lations when the forest bloomsN gusty *motions on wet roads on autumn nightsN . Death is the mother of beautyN hence from her, Alone, shall come fulfillment to our dreams And our desires.

. +he makes the willow shiver in the sun Gor maidens who were wont to sit and ga:e L(on the grass, relin!uished to their feet. +he causes boys to (ile new (lums and (ears on disregarded (late. . )s there no change of death in (aradiseC Does ri(e fruit never fallC . e live in an old chaos of the sun, 2r old de(endency of day and night, 2r island solitude, uns(onsored, free, 2f that wide water, inesca(able. Deer walk u(on our mountains, and the !uail histle about us their s(ontaneous criesN +weet berries ri(en in the wildernessN And, in the isolation of the sky, At evening, casual flocks of (igeons make Ambiguous undulations as they sink, Downward to darkness, on e5tended wings. $selected lines from +unday Forning by allace +tevens%

77 <he best commentary on this (oem would be to read it again and let it comment for itself to your soulJ how can this world be anything but HeavenC Ho(e and faith and the s(irituality of im(ermanence have no (lace in a (ost& mortem heaven, for these rely on (ain and evil and -grievings in loneliness,/ which themselves are meaningful e5(eriences. )f this world is not heaven, then heaven seems meaningless, and limitless $look at the !uote in red%. 77 )f you wonder why we can#t always be elated, turn to 'age 21. Gor another analysis of fruit, turn to 'age 1. Check out ,oethke. <urn to 'age 0D.

=======-Hell hath no limits. . where we Othe damnedP are is hell, and where hell is must we ever be./ 7 Fe(histo(hilis===== 'age 1. Death by Fruit

<he greatest masters (referred the subtlest vanitas, modestly trusting to fruit baskets to whis(er ashes to ashes, relying on the (oignant e5actness of oranges to release like a citrus mist the always fresh fact of how hard we resist how briefly we#re (leased. $by Bay ,yan% hat (leases youC <urn to 'age D. )f you would like to esca(e your doom, turn to (age 09. )f you are (araly:ed by indecision, turn to 'age 00. =====================-How graceful the small before dangerQ/========================= 'age D. The onging A leaf, ) would love the leaves, delighting in the redolent disorder of this mortal life, <his ambush, this silence, here shadow can change into flame, And the dark be forgotten. ) have left the body of the whale, but the mouth of the night is still wideN $by <heodore ,oethke% 77 8eaves (lay a large role in this anthology. <hey turn and tilt, like we doN they bring about fallN they float on water, bowing to its whimsN they die. Fost im(ortantly, though, their (hotosynthesis sustains life on this (lanet. Aot only should we delight in leaves, we should thank them. 77 )f you would like an alternative (athway to the darkness, turn to 'age M. - e say god and the imagination are one. how high that highest candle lights the dark./ & allace +tevens, Final Soliloquy of the

Interior Para our && if this is the most com(elling of the three o(tions, turn to 'age 20. =======================$<here is no such thing as star block%========================== 'age 9. 'age 0D.1; hat ) wanted to <each Fy Children $ ritten by 'eter Havens after the birth of 8ucas. ) learned most of it from the (eo(le who lovingly raised me.% KAHRKane Aeale Havens G,HRGrederick ,andall Havens *KDR*dward Kudson Dillon F'DRFary 'fender Dillon Fel ?isho(RHigh +chool Chorus Director Fan on the (laneRin Dth grade, on the way to cam( Ao nameRadded later by 'eter 0. 2. @. E. ;. M. 1. D. 9. 00. 00. 02. 0@. 0E. 0;. Bnow yourself, love yourself, be true to yourself. $KAH% ?e sensitive to the needs of others. $KAH% ?e honest. +how integrity in your dealings with others. $G,H% *n"oy the little things that come by. )f you wait for the big ha((iness before being ha((y, you will always be sad. 'lay when you canJ make time for it. $G,H% <hink for yourself. $*KD% Bee( fighting. Aever !uit. $*KD% 8aughing makes things easier. Don#t take it all too seriously. $F'D% ) am e!ual to, but no better than, everybody. $man on the (lane% O<hey are all "ust as afraid as you are. $G,H%P +tart on time, end on time, and kee( things moving while they are there. $Fel ?isho(% 8ife is not fair. $KAH and G,H% ,es(ect your elders. *ven if you think they have not done anything good that you can identify, it was hard to survive that long, and that is worth your res(ect. $KAH and G,H% 8ive every minute, intensely. >ou could be dead tomorrow. 'ay attention to small things in life, for that is mostly what there is. $KAH% Decide what you believe about god, and let that in to everything you do. )t will hel( you release when there are things you cannot control. +ing. 8isten to the wind. ?oth soothe your soul. 'rotect yourself. >ou are your own best friend

$by 'eter Havens, father of David Havens%

 <o hear ,oethke say it, turn to 'age 0D. ) see all the numbers but all ) hear is blah blah blah. <urn to (age 02. ==================-9od and the )magination are 2ne./=============================== 'age 00. H8 ,*F*F?*,+ L +<)88 H*A,+ <H,L L KF A S*,AA8 FL+)C <H)+ )88 ?* L, 8A+< 8)G* <HAAB+ <2 H)F =Aews like that so much of *(hraim#s leaves me 2f two minds. Do ) want it all to endC )f there#s a choice = and what about my friendC hat about DavidC ill he too=C $from <he ?ook of *(hraim by Kames Ferrill Oand David KacksonP% )f you are of one mind about this, turn to 'age @;. )f you think the love between KF and DK is sweet, turn to 'age 29. ============================================================================= = 'age 00. <his disease is an evil bound u(on the day. Here#s a com(arison = not bad ) thinkJ when ice gleams in the o(en air, children grab. )ce&crystal in the hands is at first a (leasure !uite novel. ?ut there comes a (oint = you can#t (ut the melting mass down, you can#t kee( holding it. Desire is like that. 'ulling the lover to act and not to act, again and again, (ulling. $+o(hokles !uoted by Anne Carson in *ros the ?ittersweet% 77 +o(hokles was too narrow&minded. <he lover who does not act destroys the ice crystal, while the lover who acts (reserves it in a useless form. <he lover who smashes it against a tree gets to see a battle between crystal and wood in full three dimensions with surround sound, and the lover who trades it for a tram(oline and two (i5ie sticks will still be en"oying it three days later. 77 )f you are in love, turn to 'age 0D.; )f you sometimes com(romise yourself to make life smoother, turn to

'age 20. )f you cannot see the difference between the first two o(tions, turn to 'age 20.

===============-?etter to have loved and lost then never to have lost at all/================ 'age 02. The Snow Man 2ne must have a mind of winter to regard the frost and the boughs of the (ine trees crusted with snowN And have been cold a long time to behold the "uni(ers shagged with ice, the s(ruces rough in the distant glitter of the Kanuary sunN and not to think of any misery in the sound of the wind, in the sound of a few leaves, which is the sound of the land full of the same wind that is blowing in the same bare (lace for the listener, who listens in the snow, and, nothing himself, beholds nothing that is not there and the nothing that is. $by allace +tevens%

77 <he other day $a year ago% ) built a snowman. )t had two legs and a torso, two arms at awkward angles that it#s meant to be leaning on. A head with red ribbon. Fy brother hel(ed. Fy sister wanted to give it wings. +he never did. <hen it melted. ) don#t want to live forever, either. 77 )f this bores you, again, turn to 'age E. )f you have a mind of winter, turn to 'age 0E. )f you think it is im(ortant to hear the misery in the snow, turn to 'age 00. )f, rather, looking at the scene and feeling no (ain or misery brings you (eace, turn to 'age 01. ===========-?eautiful is the unmeaning of $silently% falling $everywhere% snow/============== 'age 0@. *ros is always a story in which lover, beloved, and the difference between them interact. <he interaction is a fiction arranged by the mind of the lover. )t carries an emotional charge both hateful and delicious and emits a light like knowledge. . O*ros is aP weaver of fictions. $from *ros the ?ittersweet by Anne Carson% )f it is the weaving of fictions that you love, turn to 'age 00.

)f you, like +ocrates, love the wooing itself, turn to 'age ;. A lover works towards a beloved. 8ife works towards death. How might the differences between life and death interactC 'age 0E.

============================================================================= = 'age 0E. To Build a Fire High u( in the Os(ruceP tree one bough ca(si:ed its load of snow. <his fell on the boughs beneath, ca(si:ing them. <his (rocess continued, s(reading out and involving the whole tree. )t grew like an avalanche, and it descended without warning u(on the man and the fire, and the fire was blotted outQ . <he man was shocked. )t was as though he had "ust heard his own sentence of death. . <he thought of Ofree:ing to deathP drove him on, but he ran no more than a hundred feet, when he staggered and (itched headlong. )t was his last (anic. hen he had recovered his breath and control, he sat u( and entertained in his mind the conce(tion of meeting death with dignity. However, the conce(tion did not come to him in such terms. His idea of it was that he had been making a fool of himself, running around like a chicken with its head cut offTsuch was the simile that occurred to him. ell, he was bound to free:e anyway, and he might as well take it decently. ith this new&found (eace of mind came the first glimmerings of drowsiness. A good idea, he thought, to slee( off to death. )t was like taking an anesthetic. Gree:ing was not so bad as (eo(le thought. <here were lots worse ways to die. He (ictured the boys finding his body ne5t day. +uddenly he found himself with them, coming along the trail and looking for himself. And, still with them, he came around a turn in the trail and found himself lying in the snow. He did not belong with himself any more, for even then he was out of himself, standing with the boys and looking at himself in the snow. )t certainly was cold, was his thought. hen he got back to the +tates he could tell the folks what real cold was. He drifted on from this to a vision of the old& timer on +ul(hur Creek. He could see him !uite clearly, warm and comfortable, and smoking a (i(e. U>ou were right, old hossN you were right,U the man mumbled to the old&timer of +ul(hur Creek. <hen the man drowsed off into what seemed to him the most comfortable

and satisfying slee( he had ever known. $by Kack 8ondon% Gor another way to die, turn to 'age 02. )f you feel that a small thought (erha(s does not want to become a great thought, but is ha((y "ust as it is, turn to 'age @. Gall is ?eautiful too. <urn to 'age 01. hat does Henry have to say about thisC 9o to 'age 0;.

=========*at a live toad every morning. Aothing worse will ha((en the rest of the day======== 'age 0;. =) can#t read any more of this ,ich Critical 'rose, he growled, broke wind, and scratched himself I left that fragrant area. hen the mind dies it e5udes rich critical (rose, es(ecially about Henry, (articularly in +(anish, and sends it to him from Fadrid, 8ondon, Aew >ork. . ill assistant (rofessors become associates by working on his worksC Air with thought thick, air scratched. <he desks are hinged, ) foresee, for storing. And when a while has changed $the (eo(le are hinged too, for storing% . ?ut now they are taking our e5ams and the great room is busy with still Damns. $from Kohn ?erryman#s Dream +ongs, numbers 010, @1@, and 2E0% 77 hen the mind dies it e5udes rich critical (roseQ <he (eo(le are hinged too, for storingQ Having been raised in an academic culture of mechanically storing information and chugging out critical (rose from a formula sheet $formulas for the essay structure, the (aragra(h, and even the sentence%, these sentences ins(ire in me a desire to live boldly in the face of such a (aradigm and avoid, at all costs, writing academically about a man who lived a life ) dream of living. ) must be that man. 77 )f you believe, like Henry, that -love has wings and flies,/ turn to 'age 20. )f you believe that love has wings and flies away, turn to 'age 0@.

===============-<o thine own self be true/ $<his assumes you know your +elf%============== 'age 0M. +he saw the housekee(er sitting near the doorway killing doves, and sat down beside the old woman. ->ou have made your (rayers, Fadame,/ said the old woman. ->es./ -) wish that you had made them for a better cause./ -How can you know what (rayers ) madeC/ -) cannot know, Fadame. ) only know that since you have had this strange idea of yours, nothing goes well for us. And all was well before. +o well./ +he sighed, leaning forward, holding the dove head down between her hands, the smooth wings folded close to the smooth soft body, while the dark blood dri((ed slowly from a cut in the throat into an earthen dish. <he dish, already filled with blood, darker than that which was falling into it, s(illed over slightly, and a barred gray cat, cree(ing cautiously near, elongated, its belly close to the ground, (ut out a ras(ing (ale tongue and licked the blood. <he housekee(er, after a little, (ushed it away with the side of her foot. A (ile of soft gray&feathered bodies already lay beside her on the bench. <he living dove turned its head this way and that, struggled a little, clas(ing a (ale cold claw over the hand that held it, and rela5ed, although still turning its head. <he blood seemed to be clotting too soon, the wound was shrunken, and the old woman enlarged it with the (oint of the knife which she had in her la(. <he dove made no cry. ?ertrande watched with (ity and com(rehension the dying bird, feeling the blood dro( by dro( leave the weakening body, feeling her own strength dro( slowly away like the blood of the dove. $from <he ife of Fartin 9uerre by Kanet 8ewis%

77 ho is the dove = am ) the dove, are youC +!uee:e me, oh tormentor, so the cats might drink my blood. 'oor ?ertrande, who wants (eace and "ustice and love, but absolutely must make a choice. 77 'age 0D.; A baby is crying. Faybe it is because the dove was murdered. 'robably not. <o check the (ins of his dia(er, continue on to 'age 22.

======================Fy eyes are o(en, and lead to my heart.======================== 'age 01.

Faya de(arts for city, cat, and lover. <he days grow shorter. +ummer#s over. e take long walks among the flying leaves And (onder turnings taken by our lives. 8ook at each other closesly, as friends will 2n (arting. <his is not farewell, Aot now. >et something in the sad *nd&of&season light remains unsaid. $from <he ?ook of *(hraim by Kames Ferrill% 77 Gall is a blackbird singing farewell. )t re(resents the start of winter, a season of darkness and cold that allows you to withdraw within yourself and e5(lore who you are and reflect on the (ast year. )t teaches you the innuendo of life. 77 <o attem(t to verbali:e what must not be s(oken, turn to 'age 20. *nd of season does not mean end of life, for some. 2thers die every day. +ome who die every day do it again the ne5t day. +ome (hysically like 'rometheus, others not so lucky. 'age 0M. <o see what my commentary refers to, turn to 'age @;. )f your summer has really ended, all ho(e of new life and love gone, turn to 'age @0.

=======================$?eyond that, details. *verything.%============================ 'age 0D. !ourney to the Interior )n the moment of time when the small dro( forms, but does not fall, ) have known the heart of the sun,= )n the dark and light of a dry (lace, )n a flicker of fire brisked by a dusty wind. ) have heard, in a dri( of leaves, A slight song, After the midnight cries. ) rehearse myself for thisJ <he stand at the stretch in the face of death, Delighting in surface change, the glitter of light on waves, And ) roam elsewhere, my body thinking, <urning toward the other side of light,

)n a tower of wind, a tree idling in air, ?eyond my own echo, Aeither forward nor backward, Ln(er(le5ed, in a (lace leading nowhere. As a blind man, lifting a curtain, knows it is morning, ) know this changeJ 2n one side of silence there is no smileN ?ut when ) breathe with the birds, <he s(irit of wrath becomes the s(irit of blessing, And the dead begin from their dark to sing in my slee(. $by <heodore ,oethke% 9od is 9reat. 'age @;. )f you are of three minds, like a tree, turn to 'age 2E. <o be touched, meta(horically, turn to 'age 00. A lot can come from sto((ing to smell the flowers, whether you use the clich3 line or take the time to think of your own way to say it. <o do so, turn to 'age @.

==========================-Death is the Fother of ?eauty/======================== 'age 0D.; "art # ) left a stone unturned the other day. Ae5t to it, Another one. And "ust behind that rock ) failed to notice <he ant who (rotects the butterflies from unknown evils And the bug down by the river who the wren mistakes for a leaf $How neatly evolvedQ% And the ground s!uirrel that held its breath hen a coyote barked not far away. ) did not see, because ) was watching the sunset Grom a little hill ?y a little creek ith little rocks and ra(ids, And a (atch of moss <hat when the fiery light of the setting sun hits "ust right the (atch itself catches on fire, An orange that lingers in the nostrils A green&orange that doesn#t e5ist but in that moment A blending of blends of (rimary colors.

$by David Havens% 9o back to the 'age you came from. 9o back to the 'age that ) came from, (age 9.

=========.?eauty.world s(ins.divine order."um( from skin.s(in with it.============ 'age 09. Domination o$ Black 2ut of the window, ) saw how the (lanets gathered 8ike the leaves themselves <urning in the wind. ) saw how the night came, Came striding like the color of the heavy hemlocks ) felt afraid. And ) remembered the cry of the (eacocks. $by allace +tevens%

77 hen was the last time ) felt AfraidC hen ) was very young, ) would cry myself to slee( at night re(eating, -) don#t want to die./ <oday ) long for. (erha(s a blast of dynamite, or insanity, or maybe for 9od. 77 )f you love to see the underside of leaves in a windstorm, turn to 'age D. o -<oo much rain loosens trees. )n the hills giant oaks fall u(on their knees. >ou can touch (arts you have no right to= (laces only birds should fly to./ Bay ,yan )f you#d rather the (eacock were a (igeon, turn to 'age M. )f you are afraid of the (lanets, turn to 'age 2. <o turn, turn, shall be our delight till by turning, turning we come around. rightC 'age 01.

===========================-?eauty makes me ho(eless/============================ 'age 20. %ne&s Company !ase" on a #hrase by $allace Stevens Humans searchJ for 9od, for <ruth, for 8ove. And on our !uest we build

ourselves towards who we will become. Alone, in the woods, on a mountain, on +unday morning, we reali:e our shared destiny. e will become no one. ) once walked down a isconsin road at @ am in the winter. A fresh layer of snow had "ust fallen, and the moon (ainted it blue. Carnival music re(eated itself in my head. ) was cold, and ) fell over. 8ooking u(, a snowclum( from a tree branch hit my face. ) laughed. -<he snow doesn#t give a soft white damn whom it touches,/ e.e. cummings whis(ered to me. <he snow melted, and ) felt everyone in the world there with me as the water slid down my cheek. e laughed. )t#s a nice trick, reali:ing in em(ty solitude that -being there together is enough,/ and that we are all one. $by David Havens% <o hear real live thoughts that came from a real live +tanford classroom, turn to 'age 2M. )f you feel there is no real way to communicate e5ce(t like a mother and daughter with giraffes on their hands, turn to 'age 2E. ) don#t care what you do "ust shut u( and sto( s(itting out bullshit. 9o to 'age 0;. =================== )n the cradle of all that is, )#m lulled into half&slee(=============================== 'age 20. 9hastly, with o(en eyes, he attends, blind. All the bells sayJ too late. <his is not for tearsN thinking. ?ut never did Henry, as he thought he did, end anyone and hacks her body u( and hide the (ieces, where they may be found. He knowsJ he went over everyone, I nobody#s missing. 2ften he reckons, in the dawn, them u(. Aobody is ever missing. $from <he Dream +ongs by Kohn ?erryman% )f you think (erha(s Henry#s youth (revent him from hacks&ing someone u(, see 'age 9. ?erryman is Gunny. <urn to 'age 2@. )f you are full of shit, turn to 'age 0@. o <he moon is full and so am )J the moon is full of rocks, ) am full of (ie.

====-8i( was a man that used his head./============================= 'age 22. The "oem that took the "lace o$ a Mountain by allace +tevens )t reminded him how he had needed A (lace to go to in his own direction, How he had recom(osed the (ins, +hifted the rocks and (icked his way among clouds, Gor the outlook that would be right, here he would be com(lete in an une5(lained com(letionJ <he e5act rock where his ine5actnesses ould discover, at last, the view toward which they had edged, here he could lie and, ga:ing down at the sea, ,ecogni:e his uni!ue and solitary home. )f the rock intrigued you, turn to 'age 0D. >ou 9o to slee( and take your waking slow. >ou learn by going where you have to go. 9o ?etween (ages 9 and 00, and continue into 00.

=====================At the fields end, one learns of the eternal======================= 'age 2@. <his section might be called '!%()S.* Descartes says to do is to be. Soltaire says to be is to do. Grank +inatra says do be do be do. Her name is Fcgill she called herself lil but everyone knew her as Aancy. - ho is the real sub"ect of most love (oemsC Aot the beloved. )t is that hole./ Ha, ha. <here was a most Fonstrous haleJ He had no +kin, he had no <ail. hen he tried to +(out, that 9reat ?ig 8ubber, <he best he could do was Kiggle his ?lubber. <imid boys ask

one finger or twoC $<he author of this is also credited with saying -all ) want for Christmas is one illion orgas s/% <here once was a man from Aantucket. $And the rest is innuendo.% 9o to 'age, hell ) don#t care. Kust get off this (age. )t#s over you.

====================== As you read this, think of something else ======================= 'age 2@.; tonight i thought of you listening to a guy and a girl sing to sim(le chords tonight. and when i saw a small rock&stiff bird it sang your name. = silvi ============================================================================= 'age 2E. + ,undred Bolts o$ Satin by Bay ,yan All you have to lose is one connection and the mind uncou(les all the way back. )t seems to have been a train. <here seems to have been a track. <he things that you

un(ack from the abandoned cars cannot sustain lifeJ a crate of tractor a5les, for e5am(le, a do:en do:en clas( knives, a hundred bolts of satin = (erha(s you s(eciali:ed more than you imagined. 77 <hought is "ust connections. )n the brain, a syna(se $cells that fire together, wire together%. )n the mind it means recogni:ing that +atin and your "ob at a desk in Aew Haven both come from a factory. 77 +hould the title be ODo not becomeP A hundred bolts of satinC )f so, turn to 'age 22. +hould the (resident be s(eciali:ed or notC <urn to 'age 2;. )f you re"oice in what you are, in -the bird beyond the bough, the single one with all the air to greet him as he flies,/ 9o to 'age @0.

==============-overshadowed by the daily tasks that were her education/================== 'age 2;. >ou could never sum me u( in so sim(le a storyQ ) am the Presi"ent, after

all./ 7<he 'resident +eems there are some (roblems in the world that need some fi5ing Kust the other day ) met a man who couldn#t tie his shoe, rather, ) mean, He wasn#t wearing anyQ ) tell you who doesn#t wear shoes these days, ) don#t know, *veryone#s com(laining about concentrated (overty and concentrated affluence, but which is worseC ?eing 'resident these days isn#t what it used to be. $Kenkins, the door. =>es sir.% =)n the old days you could get a girl to come home with you "ust by telling her you were (resident, hat ha((ened to thatC ) guess the times they are, as they say, a&changin#. Kenkins what the hell does that meanC Don#t s(eak. Change ha((ens across the board, hurts us all the same, ) don#t understand <his ine!uality business they s(eak of. Am ) doing a good "obC ,es(onsibility is hard, Kenkins, that#s something they can#t understand. $Kenkins, the chair. =>es, sir.% =Ahh, it gets so com(licated sometimes ) "ust have to sit here. hat if one day all the chairs in the world disa((eared, and ) had nowhere to sitC ho would fi5 that (roblem, a man with no shoesC hoC =Fr. 'resident, 9od hel( us, you. $?y David Havens%

77 As the author, ) feel most comfortable including this (iece in the section because any blubbering lines ) can attribute to the 'resident#s character, not my own ine(titude. <hat said, ) like that what the (resident (resides over remains concealed. e scorn how out of touch the (residentVmanagement is with the infrastructure, yet there are many societies that, if ) were elected (resident of today, ) would be "ust as ignorant toward. 77 Gor a (residential si:ed anthology, 'age 2M. )f you wish you could turn ob"ects into gold, 'age 21.

Kustice is odd, let A??A be your guideJ <ake a chance, take a chance, take a chance on 'age 0M.

====================-when the mind dies it e5udes rich, critical (rose/=================== 'age 2M. N%T)D. Miscellaneous -)f life and love seem slow it is their ends we are ignorant of./ KD Cunningham, !uoted by Ben -Do ) contradict myselfC Sery well then ) contradict myself, $) am large, ) contain multitudes.%/ alt hitman, +ongs of Fyself From Class 8ike the man in AAJ around. ,eading and hen you#re ready to sto( stealing things, you#ll turn

riting are the same activity in some ways.

ankery, some call my art, but ?rians is no +eattle masturbator in flannel. hat#s your (ointC Have a sense of the other side, and you will have a greater sense of your own. )f you#ve got a main (oint, make it first. 2ne#s ins(iration is always a little !uestionable, and one gets away from it !uicker than one would ho(e. *at when you#re hungry, and slee( when you#re slee(y. Dream. )deas are not long. <hey are not twenty (ages. 'ages string ideas together. )f our real motives of our actions were known, we wouldn#t want the world to see even our most virtuous acts. )ntellectual value. >ou get tired of it after a whileQ hat wonders does she sit on over thereC <urn to (age E. -Here ) sit, broken hearted. <ried to shit, but only farted./ Ah, the wisdom of the bathroom stall. )f you feel you cannot learn from such a source, turn to (age 2E. hatever you do, do not read the ne5t section until otherwise directed to do so. )t is strictly forbidden. -*ros is lack./

======================+ometimes ) sit and think. +ometimes ) "ust sit.================================ 'age 21. OCicadas investP their whole lives in the momentous delight of Hnow.# 'assing time and its transitions do not affect them. <hey are stranded in a living death of (leasure. Lnlike Fidas, the cicadas are ha((y in their choice of life&as&death. >et, they are cicadas. <hat is, they are creatures who were once men but who (referred to decline from human status because they found man#s condition incom(atible with their desire for (leasure. <hey are creatures whose sole activity in the course of a lifetime is the (rosecution of that desire. )t is not a choice o(en to human beings, nor to any organism that is committed to living in time. 2rganisms struck by desire, however, tend to mis(ri:e this commitment, as we have seen. $from *ros the ?ittersweet by Anne Carson% 77 <hat ) would rather slee( than do this commentary, but am doing this commentary anyway, shows two things. Girst, ) am not a cicada. +econd, ) am not enlightened. 77 hat e5actly have we seenC <urn to 'age 1. hat is it like to breath with the cicadasC 9o to 'age 0D and read "ust the last stan:a.

====-<he (hiloso(her (roves that the (hiloso(her e5ists. <he (oet merely en"oys e5istence./===== 'age 2D. %ur -olden Mile Fy grandfather once gathered my family and asked us to sing ->ou are my +unshine/ with him. e did. <hen he went cra:y = he didn#t s(eak a single word for the rest of his life. ?efore that he ran a com(any called Havens +teel6. After that he wasn#t even boss of his mind. ?ut did he get itC 2ur -8ast 8a(/ is a mile of ultimate humanity in its humility. <he narrator in -<he 9lass *ssay/ feels (roud of her father for tilting least. ?ut we all tilt. <he s(inning to(s in our heads normally stand so u(right, held in (lace by the rotational inertia of society. ?ut on certain !uests, on that last la(, the momentum slows and the to(s teeter, leaning to one side or the other, and we see the world for what it is, as if for the first time. Changed forever, as our sunshine goes away, we act accordingly. hy do ) feel like only the cra:y (eo(le get itC $?y David Havens%

Dead *nd. 9o back to 0. )s it the same 0 you were at beforeC

===================Gamily is the nucleus of civili:ation.========================= 'age 29. +omething now leaves meN something goes from me to meet that figure who is coming, and assures me that ) know him before ) see who it is. How curiously one is changed by the addition, even at a distance, of a friend. How useful an office one#s friends (erform when they recall us. >et how (ainful to be recalled, to be mitigated, to have one#s self adulterated, mi5ed u(, become (art of another. As he a((roaches ) become not myself but Aeville mi5ed with somebody = with whomC = with ?ernardC >es, it is ?ernard, and it is to ?ernard that ) shall (ut the !uestion, ho am )C $by Sirginia oolf, !uoted in *ros the ?ittersweet by Anne Carson%

77 <his definition of a friend, one whose (resence changes who you are, has served me very well since coming to college and bumbling about with new relationshi(s. ?ack home, ) went to school with the same kids since kindergarten, so they were less friends than they were (arts of my life. At +tanford, though, se(arating a friend from an ac!uaintance at a distance (roves very hard, and when you find someone who you reali:e you have voluntarily given a (art of your soul to, take heed, and nurture that friendshi(. Griends are rare. 77 )t#s dangerous to be so intimately tied to anotherQ 'erha(s we best not have friends, only ac!uaintances. <here would be no sunshine to lose. <urn to 'age 2D. )n co(ulating, one discovers that. 'age 00. =========8ove grows, round like a circle and comes back knocking at your front door========== 'age @0. %nce >ou cannot do something "ust once. ?y the time you begin, you have already done it, and before you finish you are doing it again. <he mind messes with

tem(orality and location whisking you to where you rather would not want to be, without a choice. )t is an overbearing kidna((er. $by David Havens% ,eturn to any 'age you have already read.

===============-<hey had in their re!uest testified more than they reali:ed/================ 'age @0. 9row older, wiser (erha(s. )f you would like to not die, ever, turn to 'age @2. )f you#re ready to listen to 8ondon, with hel( from ,oethke and +tevens and hitman and maybe even your father, turn to 'age @@.

====================Can you critici:e someone for dying wrongC======================= 'age @2. 9o on life su((ort, drain money from your family and country, and live for five more days. )f you would like to become a vegetable, stay on this (age. )f this does not attract you, go either forward or backward one 'age.

============================== >es.============================================ 'age @@. >ou die. ?ut -to die is different from what anyone su((osed, and luckier./ $ alt hitman, em(hasis mine% <ell me, what#s it likeC <o meet me at the 2ui"a ?oard and tell me what you have learned, advance one (age. $<he choice has never been yours.%

==========-An old sailor, Drunk and aslee( in his boots, catches tigers in red

weather/========= 'age @E. .O*(hraim#sP lights and darks were a (ro"ection 2r what already burned, at some obscure 8evel or another, in our skulls. e, all we knew, dreamed, felt and had forgotten, Glesh made word, became through him a set of Wuasi&grammatical constructions which Could utter some things clearly, forcibly, 2thers not. 8ike <osca hadn#t we 8ived for art and loveC . *(hraim#s revelations = we had them for comfort, thrills and chills, -material./ He didn#t cavil. %e was the revelation $2r if we had created him, then we were%. <he (oint = one twinkling (oint by now of thousands = as never to forego, in favor of 'lain dull (roof, the marvelous nightly (udding. $from <he ?ook of *(hraim by Kames Ferrill% 77 A((ly this message to religionJ 9od can cook a better dessert than science. A((ly this message to lifeJ <he construction of your life is like KF and DK#s construction of *(hraim. A((ly this message to drugsJ Do them. $"oke.% 77 )f you are com(letely satisfied with one go at things, or have already gone through and checked out every connection made, then close this book, meditate for a minute or two, and go do something awesome. )f you#re feeling ?uddhist, turn to (age 0.

=============================== )nnuendo======================================= 'age @;. <hirteen ays of 8ooking at a ?lackbird

) do not know which to (refer, <he beauty of inflections 2r the beauty of innuendoes, <he blackbird whistling

%r .ust a$ter.
$?y allace +tevens%

77 A man and a woman and a blackbird are one. <he blackbird, like the innuendo, is nothing, yet can readily become a (art of you if you let it. Carry the eye of the blackbird with you wherever you goJ let it offer a different (ers(ective, or remind you, "ust after, of the beauty of inflections and the whistle of the black, lovely bird. 77 hat ha((ens after deathC 'age 09. 'erha(s god is in the innuendo. <o look for him $herC%, turn to 'age @.