Chapter One Enchantment 2003 Age 13 (Nine Years Before)

"Where All Begins & Ends" We found ourselves atop the Missouri one day, that place where the most horrific conflict in human history came to an end. Stephanie held a gar age ag open etween her the dust pan into her ag. fists. ! set aside the room !"d een using to sweep the dec# and relin$uished the contents of "%ou shouldn"t have to do that, Steph," ! told her, smiling, "! got it."

uni$ue and special way. She ru

"&o, silly, ! got it. ! got it' !"m the (ar age)*ady)(irl)+erson, eh," she responded in her ed her wide forehead on her short white sleeve and pushed

her glasses ac# up to her nose with her wrist. She then loo#ed off into the distance. -So whatcha thin#, !t"s nice out here, ain"t it, !t"s hard to elieve what happened.. ! feel that !"m not a out to tell you anything you don"t already #now/nothing you

haven"t heard a out or seen a thousand times in oo#s, movies, documentaries, and other

media. ! say this ecause it"s hard to escape these images/difficult for one to go a day romances and comedies to help us forget. 0orget.

without hearing the history and news of a world in perpetual conflict interwoven with frothy

as one will ever see again in a decrepid paradise devoured y concrete.

!twas hard to elieve that day. !t was a perfect day/no, rather it was as perfect a day Who could imagine/save for flashes of some grainy, lac#)and)white documentaries

or films li#e 1ora, 1ora, 1ora or the a omina le +earl 2ar or/that this was that very place where the 3#lahoma capsi4ed, 1hat this was that place where a single fateful om struc# the dec# of the Ari4ona and too# the lives of over a thousand men, 1hat this was the place

where America ecame a rudely)awa#ened giant and grew into a sadistic, ruthless east, But we all could imagine, with grave intimacy, the shoc# and horrors of an attac# on American soil. We"d felt it every day since that 1uesday in 5667.

Wars and rumors of wars and conflicts and terrors everywhere. 1he nuclear age meant

that a million or more could die with the use of a single om , 8ust li#e the hundreds of thousands who died in 2iroshima and &agasa#i, 9apan. 1he digital age meant that information could travel li#e a maelstrom from one part of the world to the ne:t in seconds. Myspace and %outu e were in their infancy, A3* was aging, and no one switched over to could #now more and learn more a out the world, themselves, and each other. 3r could 0ace oo# for a long time. Still, with the internet, cell)phones, and other new devices, people they, 3r may e they could hear the "popular" opinion of the masses which, in truth, may e as vulnera le to human su 8ectivity and manipulation as the newsletters of &apoleon Bonaparte in the 7;66s. 3ne would hope that if anyone had a message/a wish/a dream/to send out into

the universe, now would e the perfect moment to do so. But it has always een the most powerful, the most rich, and the most eautiful whom the world listens to. Stephanie would tell me these things. She was an analytical girl who loo#ed deeply into

everything. Everything had meaning. Everything had purpose. 1o her, the world had a story and a method to the madness. Stephanie found her truth in mythology and mysticism, share. unleashing them from the cesspool of the li rary and the internet. She was always happy to

1he wind that had lown the clouds from the s#y now swept Stephanie"s hair over her

eyes. She made an em arrassed face and lew her angs off of her glasses, ! com ed her hair down for her with my fingertips. ! had never touched a girl li#e that efore, ! was 7<, ! was

afraid to. She giggled and loo#ed up at me. Big rown eyes under thic# glasses.

! remem er we were oth wearing white, an inversion to our typical attire, #nowing

it"d e hot out. &o, we weren"t (othic. We weren"t/well, ! suppose some could refute this com ed her hair to the right = ecause her late rother com ed it that way when she was little>, and 8ust li#e why ! held the laces of a foot all or da

/.emo. either. ! thought we wore lac# as a sort of poetic declaration. !t"s 8ust li#e why she ed hairgel with my left ring)

finger = ecause it"d ear my wife"s ring someday>. Blac# was our declaration that we were set apart from the world/independent, re ellious, rogue, and free. Blac# is the color of night, a the color of space/a profound and seemingly neverending emptiness that somehow encompasses everything. time during which the dar#ness shrouds unspea#a le secrets ler#ing ehind closed doors. !t is

1he universe egan in the cold, pitch) lac# dar#ness. %et, somehow, from that

dar#ness came light and warmth and life. And life gave way to unmatched 8oys such as the

e:u erant 8oy ! felt then, so close to Stephanie, the girl ! couldn"t #eep my eyes off of all year in class. And life gave way to unfathoma le sorrows such as the ones that concluded on that very same dec# on which we were oth standing. Staring at her, ! remem er thin#ing that this pale, raven)haired girl with the trash ag

might e an angel somehow. 1hen ! remem ered? she was no angel. She was Stephanie/the girl who hid ehind her cute mannerisms, her cheerful !rish accent, her nerdy glasses that magnified huge watery eyes, and her innocent smile/a facade as rilliant as 3dysseus"s horse, every it as disarming. %et somehow ! always elieved that there was something truly good and worth saving a out her. 1hat"s what was so special a out the two of us. We #new each other well. !t was our little conspiracy. 3ur very own little secret.

salt, crude oil, and the unnamea le scent of +earl 2ar or that surrounded us in a lac#, her hair out of her eyes, Stephanie lost her grip on the trash ag. ! leaped forward and 1hat"s what she has always een to me ever since that day? a force.

When the wind sat, there remained a stagnant, thic# smell/ decadence. 1hat smell of

ringed vorte:, lowing up our hairs and #noc#ing over the room !"d laid aside. 1rying to get snatched it out of the air. ! loo#ed out into the sea and reali4ed that a force had stopped me. She had snatched my wrist whilst trying to save the ag. ! felt my heart racing. 0ear.

1error. She slid her hand onto mine and we grasped the ag together. ! regained control of my reathing. We wal#ed toward each other and loo#ed out toward the Ari4ona together.

"1hat"s the eginning and the end, Steven," she said, oddly. -%ou #now that, right,. She

loo#ed ac# at me, the sunlight reflecting off of her glasses and hiding her eyes. documentary, Steph. 1wo)thousand four)hundred/-

! nodded. -World War !! egan there and ended here. ! #now. Watched the, umm... -Millions,. she interrupted, -and illions more... humanity... almost.... She was so close !

could hear her reath and that uni$ue !rish whisp in her voice. ! hear it still to this day.

-1here across the water/over the ocean/8ust a ferryride away ac# to o livion.... She smiled a smile full of lac# races and said, "we have so much more to do so that it never happens..

Slam +oem from 566< 2ere we stand hell) ent to start another war 7 1he ma8ority is for it5 But what for, What for,

-We American 0ools.

1o instigate more pro lems, More and more and more' And sure we"ll fight it We call this an epilogue to an endless war on terror 3nly to win it all with terror', We Americans have forgotten' We have ecome S3 stupid' We need some introspection' Before we lindly go and do it 3pen your eyes and get some perspective? 1o the &orth? oppression< 1o the East? hatredA 1o the South? segregation@ But here in the West? see the hypocrites Built with the evils of all'

Bries, tears, and laments/howls/ 1error, hearts inhuman, Bruel, lac#, and chilly C
1 In early 2003, the United States looked past its war on Al-Qaeda & the Taliban regi e in A!ghanistan toward de"laring a new war on Sadda #$ssein and Ira%& 2 The a'ority o! A eri"ans were strongly in s$pport o! a war on Ira% be!ore it began& This pop$lar opinion swi!tly "hanged as A eri"an !or"es s$!!ered o$nting "as$alties and proble s at ho e s$"h as the de"lining e"ono y and the a!ter ath o! #$rri"ane (atrina were strongly tho$ght to ha)e been negle"ted& The war be"a e )ery $npop$lar and was e)en so eti es "o pared to the di)isi)e & $npop$lar *ietna +ar& 3 The poet asso"iates the "on"ept o! ,-orth. with the oppressi)e "o $nist powers o! -orth (orea & -orth *ietna / The poet asso"iates the "on"ept o! ,So$th. with the pra"ti"e o! sla)ery parti"$larly in the A eri"an So$th prior to the 0i)il +ar& 1 The poet asso"iates the "on"ept o! ,2ast. with the 3ost-4511 paranoia o! Isla i" e6tre ists& 7 8ro a )ag$e prophe"y by -ostrada $s regarding the end o! the world&

1he same old themes and the same old stories 1old y mouth and recorded y written word Echoing for centuries But seemingly never heard +ointless campaigns' Merciless revenge' 0orever,' Must these cycles go on unchanged ! am tired' 1ired of this nation"s reputation Brashing and tum ling and falling 1o careless flaws and error' &o more' &o more' Will no one else stand with me, +u lic, ! am sic# of you Will no one else stand their ground, Sic# of eing a part of you Sic# of inflicting more sorrow Sic# of raining more pain Sic# of hearing the *ies in the name 3f -0reedom. and -9ustice. !t"s all insane' 1ears of the Earth have spilled off)land +acific, Atlantic, Arctic, !ndian Blood on our hands' "*and of the free,. we still say. 2ow true can this e, When at the time of this statement 1he negro was still in slavery'

-*et freedom ring' *et it ring' *et it ring'. And the B!A and the 1SA Ban freely strip)search us And confiscate our things' Why must we worsen, 0reedom/a lie' 1o die' 2earts so cold they ring men

Don"t e naEve' Fnow and understand that we are all eing played' By powers that rely on our ignorance' +lans have they lain' Enough already'

Enough' WAFE G+' See where this conflict is going' !t"s not to $uell a fight, !t"s to allow it to #eep on growing and (H3W!&(' &o more war'

&o more death' &o more pain' &o more more fighting When it"s not necessary' Americans with our smart) om s %ou"re all for it now

1oying with satellite)targets li#e it"s all 8ust a game' But soon you fla#es will complain'

Watch us fools start the apocalypseI 1hat will rac# our artillery' All of you/all of us/will e Soldiers in the Devil"s army; And you wait and see' %ou"ll all e sorry'

Watch us ring out unnatural powers

(od don"t play a dice with the world 2e did not create man to go on fighting And #illing 0orever 2e trusts that given the time We"ll use our 3W& M!&DS

*eave this foolishness ehind And find Shangri)*a J together' ...&ow ! #now for this pro8ect ! may very well get an "A" But the nation won"t listen to no I th grader We"re gonna go to war anyway

9 The end o! the world, espe"ially as portrayed in the :ible;s book o! <e)elations& = The phrase ,>e)il;s Ar y? does not intend to de oni@e the U&S& Ailitary b$t rather re!ers to a general idea that going !orward with this "on!li"t ay "a$se the entirety o! h$ anity to $nknowingly !ollow the >e)il to Ar ageddon as in <e)elations& :abylon, Ira% is the !or er "apital o! the :abylonian 2 pire and is said by the :ible to play a key role in the end-ti es& 4 A $topian paradise "o parable to #ea)en or -ir)ana

-Sterling)Silver. We sat together under the false olive tree in the courtyard. !t was early autumn ut trees remain lively year)round in the !slands. Every day was spring with Stephanie, even at her worst/ when she felt the need to lash out at the world, at (od, and at life, even at me. When she was mad, her pale)chee#s would turn red li#e em ers/a magnificent spar# li#e a flame lit y a flint sent down spent nearly a decade trying to piece together the dis8ointed fragments of it all. And there was that day, li#e our many days under that damn tree, when she ro#e the aw#ward silence and spo#e... y Mercury. And when she tal#ed, it always felt meaningful and important, if not wholly coherent. !

-%ou #now, Steven... Before his accident, my rother told me that a good love relationship is something li#e Sterling)silver
!f you thin# a out it

Silver alone is eautiful ut wea# !ron alone is strong ut useless for construction !f it"s not melted down first But together Mended together And only together Are the two of them complete What do you thin# a out that, Steven, ! used to thin# it was so damn silly... But now that he"s gone and you"re here ! find it rather eautiful Why do we only listen to people when they"re (one, Steven,.

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-! 2ate %our Smile. -0uc#ing people, Steven What do they #now, What do they #now... ! don"t #now how you can still listen and e so nice to that fuc#ing itch 1oo)fuc#i)ng)long,' ! wor#ed my ass off on it and she fuc#s me over' 3ther people are going to get etter grades than you and me And they 8ust ullshitted everything 1hey"re always 1hat"s how people are, Steven ! fuc#ing hate eing Batholic And for god)sa#es, Steven... !"m sorry But ! fuc#ing hate your smiling and shit right now %ou silly fuc#ing oy you... 2eheha... %ou ma#e me laugh even when ! am so fuc#ing pissed What a power you"ve got there !t ma#es me want to hurt you/to punish you/real ad ullshitting everything' She gave me a "D" on my story, you #now, She told me that it was too long

1he only ones who ma#e it are the ones who can lie and fuc# others over'

Smac# you so hard that you can"t smile li#e that anymore....

-2er Spell. Hain. Sometimes, even now, ! still associate the rain with her. teachers tend to e sadists, we all #now that. 1hey made us run the entire circumference of the school. ! was soa#ed from head to toe in my white t)shirt and shorts/an em arrassing rain, it cooled me off. ! hated running, so the two evened each other out. outfit that ! wouldn"t e caught dead wearing today. ! didn"t mind the rain too much. ! loved Wal#ing and panting with my hands on my hips and my shoes s$uishy and heavy with !t was a pounding rainy day in winter 566< ut +.E. still hadn"t een canceled. +.E.

water, ! turned the corner near the false)olive tree in the courtyard. ! thought ! saw someone familiar there. Without my glasses on, my near)sightedness was a lur. !n that storm, it was worse. But even then ! couldn"t mista#e that figure standing there in the rain with neither a 8ac#et nor an um rella. !t was still frightening to see her there, standing there lifelessly and stiff li#e some Durga statue. -Darn it, Steph' What are you doing,. ! as#ed, still catching my reath. ! leaned over -3h, shu" up, silly, loo# a" yourself,. she said, ta#ing her wet and foggy glasses off to

with my hands on my #nees ut still fought to #eep my attention on her.

wipe them on the ottom of her lac# top only to reali4e that wiping them with her wet materials did little more than ma#e a s$uea#. -!"m trying som"in.. She closed her eyes and faced up toward the s#y. 2er lac# hair strea#ed ac#/wet

and heavy. A comet. She opened her mouth, relin$uishing a gasp. 1hen she mum led something that ! couldn"t decifer. drowning. She opened her eyes and egan gasping as if she"d run a smile, as if she were -Steph)Stephanie'.

wrapped her arms around herself, shivering. 2er chee#s rattled and her teeth clattered. She let out a whine through her teeth/a muffled cry. ! came right up ehind her and held her, trying my est to warm her, ! remem er feeling li#e ! hadn"t done a very good 8o . !"d never held a girl efore until that moment. 2er reathing was li#e the whisping and

-!"m fine'. she shouted ac#, holding out her palm and leaning over. She spastically

whee4ing of steam from a little teapot. !t was as though her very warmth/her very life/had consciousness and unconsciousness in the middle of her large forehead. een e:orcised from her. She grew paler, even her lips. 2er large eyes fought etween

-Steph)Steph' !"m here. !"m here. !"m here. !"m here.. ! loo#ed around. ! couldn"t find her

hometown of Wahiawa. -Where"d you leave your ag, Steph,. ! as#ed. -M)my l)loc#er,. she shivered.

ac#pac#. !t was an eery fog ut not unli#e the ones that fre$uently arose in my near y

! wal#ed her down under the cover of the ;th)grade uilding. She tiptoed, her arms still crossed over herself, ta#ing choppy steps as if her shoelaces were tied together. ! did and carried her under the sanctuary of the roof. #issed me. !t was my first #iss. something that !"d always dreamed of doing? ! pic#ed her up li#e an old fol# hero/a #night/ She touched my chee# and leaned forward toward me, and as ! leaned forward she -My... dear... oy.... she managed to say. She loo#ed tired and wea#/!"d never seen her

li#e that. -*oo# at you, my dear oy... (od made you strong... for a reason. ! #new.. 2er speech was slurred and my rief 8oy turned ac# to concern. ! laid her gently down on the ench. -Steph)Steph, do you need to see a doctor, ! can

get someone. !s it asthma, Something wrong with your reathing,. ! as#ed frantically, perhaps my health class"s first)aid assignment had some influence on that. it rain....

-&o, silly, !"m o#. !t"s o#.. She laughed oddly. -!t wor#ed. !t must"ve... ! thin#... ! can ma#e 1hey say that sound travels li#e an e:plosion in the cold. But they say, too, that smell

doesn"t. !"d say that ! could smell and hear her in that storm rather vividly. !t was li#e a surreal, disorienting dream. Don"t wa#e up. Don"t. +lease. &ever. 1here was an aura a out her/a supernova ursting from a celestial ody. She smelt ! pressed my face against her hair voraciously. ! would have suffocated willingly. ! held -2ave you read your Bi le, Steven,. she as#ed. 2ow could ! answer that, Say "no",

li#e apples/the am ergris of sweet, sour apples. An immortal smell. &auseating. 2ypnotic.

her closely. !n my gut, there was a deep, plunging feeling/possessing, soothing, completing. -Woman came from man"s ri . We"re all destined to e together again. 1ogether again li#e it was meant to e. 9ust li#e sterling)silver. When we urn and melt together.. her eyes and went to sleep. -Steph)Steph' Are you o#ay,.

She ran her hand on my chee#. ! sat down eside her and pulled her closely. She closed -Shut... up.... she said. -%ou"re 8ust... warm. ! want to... sleep here... a it..

! couldn"t 8ust leave her there alone, could !, We were oth late for our ne:t class and for many classes after that. She ecame my education. She was my school/my teacher, my est friend, and my lover. She was my partner in crime. She was my puppet master. She was my generous,

enevolent angel as well as my over earing, demanding goddess.

She encouraged me to write. She taught me to use Em)dashes to -spea# the

unspea#a le. and to write without restraint/even if it meant rea#ing grammatical and formative rules. She told me to write in caps)loc# so that ! wouldn"t have to worry a out /to overcome my impairment. She was/and still is/my muse. rules. ! could 8ust write and write and write. She tried to show me how to spea# without fear

-2ideous. -Stephanie, can ! tell you something !"ve never told anyone efore,. -3#ay...what is it, silly,. ! paused for a while, loo#ing down and away. ! rarely faced Stephanie or anyone !

spo#e to. ! was rought up #nowing that fights egin when one stares to intently at someone else. ! also, well, #new ! couldn"t articulate speech well. ! was em arrassed to face the other person #nowing !"d ma#e a hundred mista#es. is it,. -Bhin up, oy,. she said, slapping me lightly on the arm. -*oo# at me. *oo# at me. What -!...! feel ugly,. ! told her. -! feel too ugly... All my life ! felt li#e this ! had no one &ow ! feel... li#e !"m undeserving of you %ou"re too good for me, Steph... =! placed my hands over my face>

My sisters always had people who li#ed them

1he way Sara would say -ill. and -disgusting. and avoid me 1hat hurt And the way that some s#inny) oned guy li#e Michael Ban get so many girls to hang on him But he"s such a pric# 2e slaps them and they laugh it off

2e span#s them and they play along

2e"s always cussing and smo#ing and fighting 2e eats up everyone/other girls" oyfriends And yet they"re such stupid idiots 1hey love him %ou #now why,

Because he"s s#inny *i#e ! can"t

And he fits into a tan#)top and shorts =Stephanie placed her hand on my left)shoulder>

2e"s over si: feet tall with those stupid a s And he plays guitar and sings li#e ! can"t And he sees perfectly, and ! can"t 2e doesn"t need these glasses A socially)aw#ward gee# With these stupid glasses And these ugly, chu And this stupid elly y chee#s

2e spirals a foot all and runs for miles the way ! can"t

2e doesn"t need to e called a gee#/

And these slanted eyes

And this slurred, stuttering spea#ing And my loated, Barney)li#e voice And this/ eing five)foot, nine)inches !"m feel so... li#e something too hideous ! don"t li#e loo#ing in the mirror in the morning ! don"t li#e... showering for +.E. or wearing those short clothes ! rather wear these stupid formal clothes from Hoss"s than that At least... At least ! can loo# halfway)decent ehind these collars and uttons.. Stephanie ru ed and s$uee4ed my shoulder lightly. She loo#ed down, swinging her

feet/dressed in all)white, an#le)cut 0ila) rand snea#ers/ under and out of the ench as if it were a swing on a playground. She seemed to e ruminating/deep in thought. 1hen her feet hinged themselves under the ench, iting into the dirt, and waiting

there. -Dear oy... (od made you how you are and he made you how you are for a reason,. -1hen why did he ma#e me li#e this, Why did he ma#e me li#e this, *i#e this,.

she said. Such a simple thing ut it is one of the things she said that ! remem er most clearly. -Silly, you"re strong. %ou could carry me out of the rain. And you have a lower center of gravity and good leverage to stay grounded/to stay on your feet/no matter what comes your way. And... ! rather li#e that preppy loo# of yours ! li#e it a lot, in fact

=she fi:ed my collar and smoothed my hair>

1hose collared)shirts and dress pants loo# regal on you And you #now ! li#e to pinch your chee#s and slap %our cute utt when !"m mad or 8ust feel li#e it %ou"re cute Mery cute, silly

And proportional in height to me too.. =She smiled. ! could never forget that smile.> -1han# you, Stephanie. 1han# you.. =! hugged her to me and the wind lew sharply>.

-Steven, why are you so concerned a out Michael,. she as#ed. Sara when he #new ! li#ed her, and mostly ecause he flirts with you. *i#e when he dropped his ruler on your lap and gra to rea# all of his fingers and rip them out. ! would"ve cut out his eyes, then spliced his alls. thin# such things.... ed it, then tic#led you. ! wanted to #ill him so adly. ! wanted ! gulped, then clenched my hand that was on the other side of her. -Because he too#

Who would do that to another human eing, Who in the hell, What the hell am !, Steph, 1o -%ou were angry, silly. Everyone is capa le of eing a east sometimes. But you are a -A very eautiful one,. ! said.

very handsome east, Steven. And ! #now... ecause !"m a east inside too.. -%es, and that ma#es me even more dangerous..

-*ucifer & Diana. -! don"t want to go home,. she told me. stories, tal#ing. ! remem er, as she clutched my left)hand, a flush of e:haustion washing over me. ! was thirsty. My mouth was dry and eginning to foam. -!t"s nice sitting here with you,. tal#ing. %elling. 1elling me... nothing.... she said. -9ust us and the stars and the moon. +eaceful. &o more stupid people. &o more stupid -Are you thirsty or anything, Steph, !"ll go get you some Dr. +epper and pepperoni ! held her closely, it was a chilly evening. We had een there for a few hours, sharing

pi44a if you"d li#e.. She normally li#ed those/li#ed to s#in the pepperoni slices and cheese off the pi44a and down it with Dr. +epper/ ut she shoo# her head at me. -! always wonder, Steven... *oo#ing up there... that lac#, endless nothingness... 1he Bi le says that will all e rolled up li#e a scroll, you #now, 1he whole s#y swallowed 2ow cold it would e

!f you weren"t... here now.... royal li#e the moonlight. ! placed my right)chee# on her left and then #issed it, swallowing the u i$uitous aroma of apples. ! slid my lips down to the left)side of her nec#, where her ehind the ear. ! felt her head 8olt forward. -Steven... !t"s a crescent moon tonight, you see, 1hat glyph... it"s the sym ol of Diana, 1he powerful, eautiful, wise goddess of the moon She"s the prodigal, re ellious daughter of 9upiter himself But even he can"t control her And too stu orn to ow She"s too strong to e held down She"d e herself We intertwined right)hands. She was cold. So damn cold. +ale, ma8estic, gorgeous, and

lac# mole was, and #issed there. 1hen once more, gently rushing ac# the side of her hair,

Even if disowned or re8ected...

And see that star that clings near to her/clings to the moon, 1hat"s the Morning Star Well, that"s actually the planet Menus

But the word -planet. actually meant -wandering star. And referred to all the or iting odies 2ec#, even the sun and the moon 1he planets were always moving Always A celestial allet 3f 8ourneys And stories But Menus was #nown as the Morning Star Because the ancient people saw that it was the 0irst spec# of light that showed right and early in the dawn !t has somehow ecome sym olic of the Devil, Satan 3r *ucifer, which as you #now is his angel name 2e was the most spectacular of all the angels But he was filled with resentment 2e too would not ow down 2e would not allow himself to e considered lesser or lower than anyone else So he started a re ellion with one)third of the angels But (od s$uashed the re ellion and e:pelled him But there in the middle of space *oo# 2e found someone 8ust li#e him, eh, A re el A renegade A runaway And ! tell you that only three things in all the universe can separate the two of them? the death of the sun, a collision with another solar system, or an act of (od himself. And ! thin# that/.

2333&F' 23333&F' 23333333&F'

-S1E+2A&!E'. he howled. -(oddamn, girl'.

2er father drove into the school par#ing)lot, hon#ing his horn so that our ears popped. -0uc#/!"M H!(21 2EHE' !"m always here'.

-Why don"t you answer your goddamn phone then,'. -We were usy discussing our pro8ect, dad.. get it !& 2EHE H!(21 &3W'. -3h, ullshit' BG**)0GBF)!&()S2!1' %ou pic# your sorry little ass off that ench and -Sir,. ! ran etween them, scared to death ut #nowing ! couldn"t 8ust stand there. -1his

is my fault, Stephanie didn"t do anything, ! too# too long with my part so she had to fill me in /-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Eh, oy' B3%' 1his ain"t your place, you etter very well

understand that. &ow !"m telling Stephanie for her own good, she can"t e out here at the school late at night screwin" around. She could get arrested for loitering, #idnapped, raped, in a gutter somewhere loodied and na#ed. %ou"re so luc#y ! don"t 8ust tell her she can"t see you new housing. Sure as hell ain"t no ody"s gonna wal# two miles up that thing. Do you drive, #id, &o. Do you got a license or a permit, &o.. no more, you"d li#e that, Who"s going to ta#e her home, 1he uses don"t run up the hill to the

-!)! understand, sir. Heally, ! do. ! want Stephanie to e safe too. ! want the est for her.

! want her to e o#. She)she didn"t want to go home early for whatever reason. Sh)she was happy/-%ou want her to e homeless, #id,.

-&)no' Why)why would you even say that,. ! argued. Stephanie remained strangely silent and stagnant. -Because you sound li#e you want to ta#e care of her. %ou sound li#e you want to pay her way. %ou sound li#e you want to e her parent/her dad/so go right on ahead, oy. %ou really want that, 2uh, Wanna ear my urden, Wanna go through M% divorce, lose %3GH son, have%3GH daughter tal# ac# to you disrespectfully and not answer your phone)calls until you feel li#e fuc#ing shit up,'. 1hat"s all ! as#.. -! didn"t say any of that... please 8ust ta#e care of her, please 8ust ta#e her home, sir. ! clenched my fists and grit my teeth.

Stephanie put her hand on my left arm. She wal#ed toward the passenger)side of the car, her red ac#pac# on her shoulder, and went in, straight)faced. ! couldn"t read her. -+lease, sir, don"t e mad at her or punish her, this is all on me,. ! egged him.

well) eing. When you have real)life responsi ilities, you will #now what ! mean. &ow, if you want to see Stephanie anymore and finish your pro8ect and fuc# around or whatever, then you need to prove to me/ oth of you do/that you have some courtesy and respect. %ou have to earn the same from me. %ou hear me oy, %ou haven"t shown or proved nothing yet. All !"ve seen is a ig)mouth, irresponsi le low)life who hasn"t een through nothing' ! SEE A&312EH +G&F 0!*!+!&3 3& WE**0AHE *EAB2!&( 300 12E (3MEH&ME&1'.

-*isten here? ! never, ever hit my son or my daughters. ! am 8ust concerned for their

! e:ploded? -0GBF %3G' !"m an "A" student' ! am the student council president' ! AM

S3ME3&E' S3ME3&E'. Something/my ego perhaps/overpowered me. !t came out li#e the velocity of water from a hose whose sole opening had een mostly suppressed. -! treat your daughter well/DAH& well' And ! don"t deserve to e tal#ed to li#e that/li#e some/. -Ban ! stop you there,/-&3' %ou shut up and listen' ! have lost people too' My parents divorced too. My dad

cheated. And my mom has this asshole oyfriend who wants to erase me from their life. !

have lived in si: towns and attended seven schools. !"ve lost so many friends and so many

people and things ! cared a out. And my family is as fractured as my heart has een until Stephanie... until ! met her. Don"t you ta#e her away from me' ! did nothing to deserve that' &othing to deserve any of this'. 2e lifted his eye rows, silent for a while. -! thin# !"m going to leave now and insist you

not see Stephanie anymore,. he said. 2e rolled his window up and reversed away. ! threw a into the window. 1he dar#ness of the evening mas#ed all e:pression ehind the glass. vehicle went down out of the par#way.

heavy, weaving punch at the wind and cussed to myself. 1hen ! loo#ed ac# at the white SGM, She held up her palm as if to say " ye" and her head turned toward her dad as the

-Eternity. ! wish ! could dash my head against a solid, stone wall the way that she sometimes did =and !"d have to stop her>. !"d smash and splatter my s#ull and rain)matter all over the floor so that someone with some profound insight could reassem le the pieces and etter understand them/the twisted vines, the pulp. But these memories in here are all that remain along with a few sentimental items/clawing and hurting and confusing. ! remem er things

in fragments. Bro#en. Shattered. 1here was that last night we spent together/the first lasts of many lasts. We were at 3ceans &ight Blu . She wore a lac# dress and Mary)9ane heels, ! funeral. had never seen her in a dress or heels efore, and ! would not see her in them again until her -!"m with %ou. y Avril *avigne egan to play, she recogni4ed it instantly and, with her B"mon, Steven =! don"t #now, Steph> =S)sorry, Steph>

mouth open in e:citement, snatched me out of the shadows and onto the floor. Ahh, whatevers 9ust shut the fuc# up and dance with me 1here"s nothing ut the rain &o footsteps on the ground &o, no 2ands on my hips li#e this... 1here... all etter, huh, !t"s a damn cold night 1rying to figure out this life 9ust e gradual... Side And mine on your shoulders =3h)o#ay> =%es...> !"m listening ut there"s no sound

9ust e light... one step... at a time 1o the side 1o the left *i#e that/li#e this

=!"ll try>

=W)wait> !s any ody here ! #now,

Bause nothing"s going right And no one li#es to e alone Around

Slowly

!t"s easy... B"mon, stupid' ..Sorry... Shit... =Sorry'> =What"s the matter, Steph,>

*et me have a second, alright, Been a little moody lately... lots of thin#ing... 2mmmm... hmmmmm... hmmmmmmmm... Won"t you ta#e me y the hand, 1a#e me somewhere new But !... !"m with you 0unny... all this noise... ! don"t #now who you are *et me 8ust rest my head here on your chest =%ou o#ay, !t"s loud here. May e/> =3)o#ay>

And ! can hear your heart eat 8ust li#e my rother"s When ! laid my chee# there And rested it there ! could... 0or eternity... *i#e when ! laid it on his... 2mm... =!"m sorry, Steph..>

!t"s li#e a song with its own melody 1ime itself must have a song %ou thin#, And when time stops, we all go deaf And die, may e, 1a#e me y the hand 1a#e me somewhere new Spin me =Gh/> =May e...>

(ood... (ood... 1hat was good... !"m with you... !"m with you... 2mm... %ou #now, if the Bi le is any indication Angels mustn"t sing very good songs... %ou thin#, *i#e hymns... -(enie in a Bottle. y Bhristina Aguilera egan to play Eh... 1here must e music in 2eaven and in 2ell And in 2ades and +urgatory too, huh,... %ou thin#, ! feel li#e !"ve een loc#ed up tight 0or a century of lonely nights Step, Steven, step B"mon Ba y, a y, a e Where are we without a melody after all, *ost without step &o rhythm %et the heart is always eating Gntil our very last day 3oh, ooh, oooh, 3oh, ooh, oooh, Waiting for someone to release me

My ody"s saying, -let"s go.

!t"s ama4ing, isn"t it, Steven, And een through

But My heart is saying, -no.

=%es, Steph>

1hat all these things we"ve done %et these hearts are still eating

And we"re still standing and dancing here Waiting for someone to release me

=%es, Steph>

*oo# at me/loo# me in the eyes, Steven... (ood &ow... !...

!f you wanna e with me !"m a genie in a ottle Ba y, there"s a price to pay %ou"ve gotta ru me the right way O1han# you for eing good to me And ! hurt you... 9ust come and set me free, a y And !"ll e with you +hew... *et me stop for a sec We"ll e apart in a few days We"ll e new people with new lives 3r appreciate me *i#e you did !f you wanna e with me =3#ay> !"m sorry... !"ve een... not so nice all the time...

=3h)o#ay, Steph...>

And no one will read and appreciate my writing

! can ma#e your wish come true %ou gotta ma#e a ig impression

(otta li#e what you do Steven, loo# at me... *oo# at me, my dear oy... Student Bouncil +resident Would you #eep on hoping and dreaming, Feep it on and on and on And smiling most of all -2ey %a. y 3ut#ast egan to play My a y don"t mess around Because she loves me so 3h, shit... And this ! #now for sure =2aha, Steph... %ou... 1hat"s why ! love you> =%ou"re so funny that"s why> 1here you are' 1here you go' *oo# at what you are and who you are?

And there you go eing silly...

Smiling that fuc#ing smile ! hate and love so much... So much... !"m going to miss that...

*et"s continue to e friends, Steven *et"s find ourselves

*et"s carve out our own destinies in our separate homes ! have een in a couple long)distance relationships efore, Steven ! learned that they don"t last =&)no, ut, Steph, ! love you' ! will write to you 1hat"s not necessary' =0riends, Steph, But... all of this>

And thin# a out you

And love you A*WA%S' (ive it a chance, we can oth go to college together We can still do so much more together>

!f what they say is -nothing is forever. *ove the e:ception

1hen what ma#es/then what ma#es/then what ma#es..., Shhhh....

%ou"re gonna get to meet a lot of cute new girls in high school, ya #now, %ou"re going to miss out a lot of life weighed down y me ! #now 9ust shut up and en8oy

=1he hec# with that, Steph' ! love you'> =2ow can ! en8oy,' 2ow can you en8oy',> Sha#e it, sh)sh)sha#e it, sh)sh)sha#e it Sh)sha#e it li#e a +olaroid picture Sugar, sha#e it

Steven... ! #now what"s est for you And for me What)What"s cooler than eing cool, )!BE B3*D' )!BE B3*D' ! can"t hear you' !)! said, "What"s cooler than eing cool, We are people who thrive when we are free May e someday =Someday may e,>

!f !"m not satisfied with what ! find out there 1hen yes, !"ll come loo#ing for you ! 8ust... want to see and try

=Stephanie... why, What"s wrong with you,>

1here"s nothing wrong with me ! 8ust made a choice And ! intend to see it through

Who #nows where our lives will go, Steven... But we"ll stay in touch =%ou will,>

3f course, silly

And !"ll write to you all the time We"ll #eep in touch, most definitely 3f course we will