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Finding Love in a superficial age

Robert Colquhoun

Loveundefiled.blogspot.com

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 London
2009

Love undefiled
Copyright 2009
First Edition

All rights reserved. Except for quotations, no part

of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in
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Love undefiled: The joy of purity

Mother Society

Seeking help and advice, three young people

walked up the hill to the house of Mother Society.
They were a little afraid because people said that
she was extremely strict and harsh, wanting only
the best for all her young people. She opened the
door, smiled at the children and waited for them
to ask questions.

The first one asked, “Mother Society, is it OK to

smoke cigarettes?”

“Certainly not!” She answered. “Don’t you

realise that they are extremely bad for your
health? They can cause lung cancer and heart
disease. Your lives are too valuable to ruin in this
way.”

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“But purrleeezze!” they nagged. “All our friends
think that smoking is really cool and they say it
gives them a good feeling.”

The grand lady became angry and repeated her

refusal. “You are quite capable of controlling the
desire to smoke. Not only that,” she clarified, “I
feel so strongly about protecting you that I’m
going to lay heavy fines on anyone caught selling
cigarettes to you. I might even take their licences
away. They need to understand the dangers
involved.”

“Some of our friends are addicted already,” said

one of the teens worriedly.

“We’ll help them to stop,” Mother said caringly.

“They can do it with support.”

“What about drugs and alcohol?” asked the

second one.

“No! No! No!” She cried. “You’ll ruin your lives

and fry your brains.”

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“You just don’t want us to have fun,” accused
one of the teenagers.

“Please, my dear children. Try to understand that

I have a duty to protect you,” she begged.
“Maybe you’re too young to realize what could
happen to you, but I know. I would not forgive
myself if you died, or killed someone while
drinking and driving, or if you wasted that
wonderful potential in all of you.”

“But….” One of the teens whimpered,

“Sometimes we just need to drink. It helps us
relax and have fun.”

Obviously concerned, Mother Society told them

that they were quite capable of resisting
temptation and of having fun without the alcohol.
They turned to walk away, heads hanging low,
chastised but trying to understand. They sensed
that Mother Society really did care about them
and so they were prepared to accept her counsel.

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But all of a sudden, the third teenager called out.
“What about sex? Is it okay to have sex?”

Mother Society smiled at them and said, “Of

course it is, my children. It’s just natural after
all.” Reaching for the bowl of condoms near her
door she added, “Just make sure you are
protected. Here, help yourself.”

The young people were excited at first and then a

little concerned. “What if we get pregnant?”
asked one.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “We’ll take care of you.

You can always have an abortion if you want, or
we’ll give you an allowance to raise the baby.”

They nodded their heads in understanding. “What

about diseases and AIDS?” questioned another.

“Diseases, diseases. Don’t worry your little heads

about them. After all, you’ve got protection. Just
go out and have a good time.”

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“We thought you’d tell us to wait,” they said.

“Don’t be silly,” she replied. “How could I expect

you to control yourselves? Besides, isn’t
everybody doing it?”

The teenagers thanked Mother Society for her

advice and walked slowly back down the hill.
They did not say much. They were confused. She
just didn’t make sense.

What would you do for love?

Every single human being is made for love. The

call to love is ingrained in each one of us. Mother
Theresa said, “Life is not worth living unless it is
lived for others.” If we try to live our lives
without love we struggle to find meaning and
purpose to our existence. Pope John Paul II said,
“Man cannot live without love. He remains a
being that is incomprehensible for himself, his
life is senseless if love is not revealed to him, if
he does not encounter love, if he does not
experience it and make it his own, if he does not

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intimately participate in it.”

What would you do for love? Many of us would

risk life and limb to experience love. In the
aftermath of the Second World War, amid
rationing, poverty and reconstruction, one man
decided to woo his girl. The only problem was
while she lived in southern England, he lived in
Poland. In order to get his girl, he drove
thousands of miles across the continent on a 50cc
scooter. Real men empty themselves for the sake
of their princesses.

Many people think that living a pure life is the

repression of prudish people afraid of giving
themselves. Some even think it is harmful rather
than beneficial. In reality, living a pure life
requires the strength of self-possession, fortitude
and temperance. Purity can only be thought of in
association with the virtue of love. Chastity,
rather than being a negative virtue, seeks to
affirm the person in every situation. Only the
chaste man and woman are capable of true love.
If you are not able to control yourself, you cannot

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give yourself, for you cannot give what you do
not have. Sexual morality is rooted in the way
God designed us.

Purity is possible, according to Pope John Paul II.

It is a requirement of love. Purity is the glory of
the human body before God. It is because sex is
so beautiful, wonderful and valuable that it is
worth saving for marriage. We all deserve
nothing less than love and we are called to choose
authentic love before sexual pleasure. The
opposite of loving someone is not hating but
using them. While chastity is a difficult, long-
term matter, it is also a sure way to happiness. In
the end we will be judged on how we loved.

If you are a man, how should you respect a

woman? Be her friend, treasure her, respect her,
protect her, love her like a sister. The human
heart is a battlefield between love and lust. Purity
is a spiritual power that frees love from
selfishness and aggression. Chastity cannot exist
without the capacity to renounce self, to make
sacrifices and to wait. Virtue comes from spiritual

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strength. The man who chooses virginity chooses
God. If I am to be completely just to God the
Creator, I must offer him all that is in me, my
whole being, for he has first claim on all of it.

Much of what contemporary society tells us about

love is far from the truth. When we settle for half
standards, we are forced to pay the consequences.

Contemporary trends

A government scheme recently provided

teenagers with a condom credit card to purchase
free condoms and obtain free sex advice and
information.1 In today’s cultural climate, in
Britain there is on average more than 200,000
abortions a year, 167,000 divorces, 121,000
chlamydia cases and 800,000 children with no
contact with their father.2 The average teenager
will have experienced up to 480,000 sexual
references, images and innuendos by the time
he/she finishes school.3

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Despite all this, young people are eager and
willing to hear a new message, a call to love
different from the “safer sex” mantra. A new
sexual revolution is here. Chastity, a long
forgotten virtue and word now hardly used in the
English language, is making a comeback.
Chastity is a call to save sex until marriage and
live with your body, mind and soul in harmony. A
call to live passionately, without guilt, is deeply
embedded in the hearts of every single person. A
new way of living, devoid of damaging
chemicals, hook ups, sexually transmitted
diseases (STDs), heartbreak and unwanted
pregnancies is here to stay.

To live a pure life is the key to lifelong happiness

and real freedom. It is a call to live for greatness.
The virtue of chastity brings our sexual appetite
into harmony with reason, and creates purity in
mind, heart and conscience. Purity prepares our
souls for the capacity to love. All Christians,
whether married or single, are called to the virtue
of chastity.4 Jesus tells us in the Sermon on the
Mount, “Blessed are the pure in heart, they shall

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see God.” (Matthew 5:8). No other virtue is so
important in order to see God working in our
lives and the lives of others.

Isn’t everybody doing it?

In my life, I have been tempted by the fact that

many other people were sexually active. Our
media promotes an over-sexualised version of
life, giving the impression that it is not possible to
go for very long without sex. Gradually, more
and more people today are realising the great
blessings and advantages of saving sex until
marriage. But, even if a large majority of people
act in one way, it does not justify that action. The
morality of an action depends on intention,
circumstances and the object chosen rather than
the number of people who agree with you. If your
spouse had waited all their life to give themselves
to you on your wedding night, would you feel
embarrassed or honoured?

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Why should I live a pure life?

As training in self-mastery, chastity is a sure way

to happiness as it sets you free to love rather than
use. Chastity calls us to remember friendship and
forget lust. It is a stable foundation for a happy
marriage. It brings integration, gratitude and joy,
preparing us in faithfulness that is a reflection of
God’s fidelity to his covenants. Blessed Pier
Giorgio Frassati said, “True happiness, dear
friends, does not consist in the pleasures of the
world or in earthly things, but in peace of
conscience, which we have only if we are pure in
heart and mind.”

Those who wait until marriage to have sex have

happier marriages later in life, a source of self
respect, clear conscience, less pressure, greater
respect from others, the wisdom of how to respect
others, better sex in marriage, wisdom in finding
the right mate, the clear development of virtues
and an ability to find a mate of good character. 5
The sacrifice of resisting temptations is a gift and

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brings peace. One young writer wrote, “the
commandment to wait… promoted the greatest
fulfilment in sex by paving the way for trust,
emotional satisfaction, joy and passion,
unthreatened by mental battles. How good and
intelligent the Creator is.”6

Chastity is a fruit of prayer. Prayer helps us to

lead a supernatural life, leading us to the
fulfilment and happiness of being the people we
are called to be. Prayer helps us to bring order
and control to our sexuality. If we pray to the
Blessed Virgin Mary, we can be confident that no
one who had recourse to her help, sought her
intercession, implored her help was left forsaken.7
We can build up self-control and strength against
sin by going to the Sacrament of reconciliation.

How far is too far?

Many people ask exactly how far they can go

with their boyfriend or girlfriend before they have
done something wrong. This kind of mentality is
more capable of using rather than loving

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somebody. To use another person for pleasure is
to objectify them. If we were to ask these
questions with our own (imaginary) daughter in
mind we might find an answer closer to the truth.
It is never good to take one of the people you love
further away from God for selfish reasons. When
we guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23) and do not
stir up love before its time (Song of Songs 3:5),
we can be sure that we are following the creator’s
plan for us in protecting the wellsprings of life.

If you are going to have pre-marital sex, you are

going to have to justify how it is in the best
interests to have an increased risk or exposure to
an unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted
diseases, single parenthood, abortion, depression,
divorce, sterility and poverty - and maybe a
broken heart just to top it all off. Fifty five per
cent of boys and 72% of girls wished they had
waited longer before their first sexual act.

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Sex is OK, isn’t it, as long as you love the other
person?

Love is not just a feeling, but also a choice. A

relationship is healthiest when it is founded on
friendship. If you love another person, you are
willing to do what is in their best interests and lay
your life down for that person. Real men are able
to reserve respect for their brides before they
have even met them. Real men are willing to treat
women like ladies, with dignity and honour. A
man and a woman, having demonstrated their
love for each other by promising fidelity until
death during a wedding, are then ready for sexual
intercourse.

But isn’t sex natural?

God invented sex with the twofold purpose of

having babies and bonding with your spouse. He
wants us to think about sex. Frank Sheed makes
the following observation:

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“The typical modern man practically never thinks
about sex. He dreams of it, of course, by day and
by night; he craves for it; he pictures it, is
stimulated or depressed by it, slavers over it. But
this frothing, steaming activity is not thinking.
Slavering is not thinking, picturing is not
thinking, craving is not thinking, dreaming is not
thinking. Thinking means bringing the power of
the mind to bear: thinking about sex means
striving to see sex in its innermost reality and in
the function it is meant to serve.”8

God made it possible to work with him to bring

new people into the world. This was a natural
process that he created. This process of being co-
creators with God requires that we hold our
desires and sexuality in reverence. Outside
marriage, sex can distort and damage love,
making true friendship harder. Chastity keeps a
heart pure and free. The decision to save sex for
marriage is actually something that brings inner
peace. To wait faithfully and patiently with our
bodies for a future spouse is more likely to lead to
marital happiness because it prevents our bodies

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being worn out and our souls dissatisfied before
commitment. If you cannot say no to another
person, what is your ‘yes’ really worth?

Can’t I do whatever I want as long as I don't

hurt anybody?

The teenage pregnancy unit once said, “It’s your

choice and no one else’s when it comes to sex.”
The argument follows the premise that it is my
body and I have the right to do exactly what I
want with it. Provided that I do not hurt anyone
else, then what I am doing is fine. These kinds of
statements are irresponsible.

Research shows that the earlier young people

become sexually active, the more likely they are
to experience a whole variety of negative life
outcomes. The longer a girl delays sexual
activity, the more likely she is to have a better
quality of life.

When having sex, the language of the body says

‘I give myself to you completely.’ If the intention

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is different, then it is almost certain that you will
hurt the other person because you are being
deceitful and telling a lie with your body. The
term ‘casual sex’ is misleading, because nothing
is casual about the consequences.

Surely, what people do behind closed doors is

nobody else’s business?

If this statement were true, then rape and murder

would be acceptable just provided nobody found
out about it. Morals are not based on
consequences or how public an action is. A
healthy approach to sexual intercourse is closely
related to the health of a society. Happy
marriages are the foundation of a happy society.
The act of sexual intercourse between a man and
a woman involves the possibility of a new life
being welcomed into the world. Children are a
great gift and blessing, to be welcomed and
nurtured into the world. As sex includes the
possibility of pregnancy, are you ready for that
responsibility?

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In 1973, the US Supreme Court decided during
the famous ‘Roe vs. Wade’ decision to legalize
abortion on the principle of a right to privacy. But
this decision had grave public effects. Many
unborn children have been killed as a result of
this decision. A society that kills its children has
no future.

Modesty is not exactly a fashionable word, is

it?

What are people being shown about modesty

today? One of the latest dolls on the high street is
the Barbie Riviera beach doll, available for £5.99
for ages 3 and up. As this doll is wearing almost
nothing, the subliminal message here is that it is
OK to dress like this, even if you’re 5 or 8 years
old, and so establishes the “If you’ve got it, flaunt
it” message from an early age.

The manufacturers would have you believe, that

in order to get a boyfriend you have to dress
provocatively, otherwise you’re not going to get a
look in. But this is far from the truth. Dressing

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modestly is crucial to strengthening a relationship
with the opposite sex.

Pope John Paul II looked at modesty through the

lens of human shame in his book, “Love and
Responsibility.” Shame is a natural desire to
conceal both good and bad things, because some
things are better when they are not in the public
eye. One of the most powerful feelings of shame
is sexual shame.

According to John Paul II, sexual shame exists to

protect what might be ‘a potential object of
enjoyment’ for persons of the other sex.”9 We
tend to veil the sexual values connected with
certain parts of the body, not because they are
bad, but because they can overshadow the greater
good of the person. This is “a natural form of
self-defence for the person.”

Modesty of dress helps protect the relationship

between the sexes and thus creates the possibility
of authentic love for the person to develop.
Modesty helps keep the woman from being

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treated as an object for sexual pleasure. That is
why we want to dress modestly when we are with
members of the opposite sex to whom we are not
married. Outside the context of married love, we
must be careful with the unveiling of sexuality or
else we will set ourselves up to be used by the
opposite sex.

John Paul II says, “Sexual modesty is not a flight

from love, but on the contrary the opening of a
way towards it.”10 Modesty seeks to inspire love
— true love for the person, not just a sexual
reaction to a woman’s body. A culture of
immodest women creates a society full of
uncommitted men. Some women are willing to
give themselves to men they do not even know.

To dress with modesty is to make a statement

about the dignity of women, opening the
likelihood for loving relationships. Dressing
provocatively encourages others to use you as eye
candy for carnal gratification. Our bodies are not
simply meant to be objects: instead, we should

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use them as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing
to God (Romans 12:1).

There is a great young author called Wendy

Shalit who wrote, A Return to Modesty. She
believes that modesty is a powerful cultural
weapon that can rebuild respect for women. The
sexual revolution failed because it ignored female
modesty and the difference of the sexes, bringing
us harassment, date rape, stalking, eating
disorders, dreary hook ups and the terrible
influence of divorce. For those fed up with
divorce, modesty is a positive way to stand for a
new way of life. Modesty is proof that morality
can be fun and is more likely to restore true love.

Modesty may even be a proof of God, because it

means, “that we have been designed in such a
way that when we humans act like animals,
without any restraint and without any rules, we
just don’t have as much fun.”11 We were created
with self-consciousness, a will, reason and desire
to search and yearn for something deeper and
greater: to live for greatness. Don’t imagine that

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modesty is for frigid prudes who are afraid. To
behave with modesty is far more exciting than
sleeping around because it restores the dignity of
women.

What is the difference between lust and love?

Kierkegaard, a Danish philosopher, said, “What

distinguishes love from lust is the fact that it
bears an impress of eternity.”12 In the words of
Josh Harris, “Lust would like us to believe that it
can make us happy. If we just give it what it
wants, it will stop pestering us and be satisfied.
Lust is never satisfied, you can’t bargain with it
and come out a winner. Lust hijacks sex. It wants
to train your desires to delight in the thrill of the
forbidden so that you lose your Godly appetite for
what is good.”13 Close physical involvement is
not equivalent to true affection. Elisabeth Elliot
writes about the tedium of lust, in her book,
‘Passion and Purity.’ In her patient and enduring
quest for passion and purity, she states, “There is
a dullness, monotony, sheer boredom in all of life
when virginity and purity are no longer protected

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and prized. By trying to grab fulfilment
everywhere, we find it nowhere.”14 Many people
experience a sense of emptiness after a lustful
experience. But, when we discover true love, lust
becomes boring and irrelevant.

CS Lewis thought up a wonderful analogy called

the lustful lizard in his book, The Great
Divorce.15 It is a story about the ghost of a man
afflicted by lust. Lust is represented by a red
lizard that sits on the shoulder of the man and
whispers convincingly into his ear. The man
eventually begins to despair about the lizard, at
which point an angel offers to kill it for him. But
the man cannot make up his mind about what to
do. The man fears the death of lust will kill him
and makes excuse after excuse to the angel to
keep the lizard. But finally the man allows the
angel to seize and kill the lizard. The angel grasps
the reptile, breaks its neck and throws it to the
ground. This ghostly man is gloriously
transformed into a real and solid being, while the
lizard, rather than dying, is turned into a mighty

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stallion. With tears of joy, the man jumps on to
the horse and they fly to the heavens.

How important are our bodies?

As our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit16 and

we are made in the image of God,17 we are told to
glorify God with our bodies. The body is of great
worth in Christianity. God came to us in flesh and
blood and revealed how important the body is to
the human condition. Within our bodies we have
many passions. Either we are able to control them
or they will control us. Freedom is found by self-
control. The school of temptation is a test of love.
Modest dress respects rather than flaunts the
body. To invite God into our lives is to become
the people he intended us to be, full of life and
love.

Does contraception work? The damage of lies,

falsehood and error

If someone told you something was safe when it

wasn’t, they would either be a liar or would be

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unintentionally misleading you. When life and
death is at stake, promoting lies can be a vicious
concoction of deceit, fraud and ignorance.

Our young people have been misled, lied to, used

and abused with a message of “safe” and “safer”
sex. It is a dangerous message that is potentially
devastating. It is medically inaccurate and
insulting to women. It generates a false sense of
security encouraging risky behaviour and reduces
the understanding of sex to a purely genital level.
The misleading message of ”safe sex” is an
absolute joke and implies that we have no trust or
hope in our young people any more. If standards
are set high for young people, and they are
encouraged to save sex until marriage, a new
generation can have the confidence to believe in
themselves and to live for something greater.

a) The oral contraceptive pill

Let us consider how ‘safe’ the oral contraceptive

pill is. The pill affects the blood clotting ability of
the body, leading to a significant increase in risk

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of heart disease and stroke.18 Women on the pill
are up to five times more likely to have a stroke
than non-pill users and three times more likely to
have a heart attack.19 The birth control pill
increases a woman’s chance of having breast
cancer, cervical cancer and liver cancer. 21 out of
23 studies of women who took the pill before
their first child showed increased risk of breast
cancer. Birth control pills meddle with a woman’s
immune system, making her more likely to
contract certain STDs.

Contrary to popular belief, the birth control pill

can also be an abortifacient. This means that the
pill can cause an induced abortion in early
pregnancy. As the pill has the same side effects as
pregnancy, this means it can bring weight gain,
moodiness, skin change and nausea. Alfred
Kinsey stated, “At the risk of sounding
repetitious, I would remind the group that we
have found the highest frequency of induced
abortion in the group which, in general, most
frequently used contraceptives.”20

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The pill can cause more than 150 biological
changes in a woman according to the textbook of
contraceptive practice. This can include
gallbladder disease, headache, bleeding
irregularities, ectopic pregnancy, yeast infection,
changes to the curvature of the eye, excessive hair
growth in unusual places, acne, and partial or
complete loss of vision.21 There are many effects
of the pill that are yet to be fully understood in
the way they damage and upset the delicate yet
beautiful aspects of womanhood. The pill was
supposed to bring great liberation to women, but
in the words of Christopher West, “Contraception
is a sure way to keep women in chains.”22
Treating a woman’s fertility like a disease
promotes a warped view of freedom and safety.

b) The male condom

According to the authoritative publication

Contraceptive Technology, after use of just ten
condoms, the probability of at least one failure is
57 per cent. Failure results in exposure to all the

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STDs that a partner has and may result in
pregnancy.

Within a year, 15 per cent of sexually active

women whose partners use condoms for
contraception become pregnant, according to
Contraceptive Technology. After two years, it is
28 per cent. After three years, it is 39 per cent.
After four years, it is 48 per cent and after five
years, it is 56 per cent. And maybe that is why we
have more than 200,000 abortions a year in this
country. The British Medical Journal showed in
ten studies worldwide that widespread availability
of contraception made no appreciable difference
in the attempt to reduce abortion rates.23

Condoms do NOT protect against STDs

Very few people know that condoms do not
prevent almost all sexually transmitted diseases
(STDs). The US National Institute of Health
reported in July 2001 that condoms did not
provide universal protection against any of the
eight major STDs. The panel of researchers found
just two areas of condom effectiveness, both of

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which were significantly limited: the heterosexual
transmission of HIV and the female to male
transmission of gonorrhoea. But this in total
constitutes just two per cent of all STDs. There is
not a great deal of evidence to show that condoms
provide suitable protection against gonorrhoea for
women. This is of concern because gonorrhoea
can lead to ectopic pregnancy, pelvic
inflammatory disease and infertility in women.

Our generation has been given medically

inaccurate information that states: “Be safe, use a
condom.” Advertisements and messages from the
National Health Service attempt to convince us of
this message. You usually need to be protected
against your enemies, not your closest loved ones.
A barrier in a relationship is a hindrance to
communication and intimacy. Nobody wants a
love life full of compromises, conditions and
concessions. The term “safe sex” was replaced by
“safer sex” when it was realised how unrealistic
the notion was to begin with.

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One doctor has compared the use of condoms to
playing Russian roulette.24 The US Department of
Health reported that of 100 women whose partner
uses a condom for a year, 3-36 will become
pregnant.25 The Adams City High School in
Colorado reported that in the three years since the
school became one of the first to hand out
condoms, the birth rate soared to 31per cent
above the national average of 58.1 births per
1,000 students per annum.26 One study showed
condoms can cause irritation or allergic
reactions.27

Up to 80 per cent of unplanned pregnancies result

from failed contraception.28 Reliance on condom
use alone will not reduce teenage pregnancy rates
if a false sense of security encourages more
intercourse. Other reports show that there have
been higher birthrates outside marriage among
sexually experienced teens despite increased
condom use.29

The risk displacement theory describes how a

perceived increase in safety will not result in a

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change in the risks involved. The introduction of
seatbelts led many drivers to drive faster, due to a
false understanding of safety. This meant that the
use of seatbelts did not reduce the driving fatality
rate. Likewise, condoms give the appearance of
safety for their customers, when in reality they
have led to a greater increase in unsafe sex.

Increased condom use by teens is associated with

increased out-of-wedlock birth rates.30 Not one
country that has used condoms as a primary
means to prevent AIDS has had any success.31
Father Paul Marx states: “Having travelled and
worked in some 70 countries, I found no country
where contraception has not led to abortion, to
increasing fornication among the young, to
divorce, and to all those other evils we see today
that make up the international sex mess.”32

There is no condom for the heart or the soul.

“Safe sex” is a total contradiction in terms. Sex is
supposed to be a total gift of self. There is no
form of premarital “safe sex” spiritually,
physically or mentally. Full protection from

35
pregnancy, disease or having your heart broken is
impossible. No form of contraception is 100 per
cent effective, and our bodies are stubbornly
protective of fertility, because the propagation of
the species is too important. “Safe sex” is not safe
for the soul. Condoms offer little or no protection
against the deadly Human papillomavirus.33

The implication underlying the government’s

‘safe sex’ policy is that young people are not
capable of controlling themselves, and hence it
lets them settle for mediocrity rather than live for
greater things. This is deeply patronising to
young people who have the capability of self-
control, and are perfectly able to cope with
challenges and responsibility. Even worse, the
government works directly with the organisations
that profit financially from the promotion of
contraception and abortion.34 Given oral sex can
transmit virtually every STD,35 why is it that
governments continue to promote this farcical
message of ”safer sex”?

36
What are the emotional consequences of
engaging in pre-marital sex?

Pre marital sex brings with it considerable

emotional dangers. Condoms do not protect you
from emotional consequences. Pre-marital sex
can cause worry (about pregnancy or disease),
regret, guilt, loss of self esteem/self respect,
shaken trust, depression, suicide, corruption of
character, damaged or ruined relationships,
stunted personal development and failed
marriages. If we strive for purity we will greatly
increase the probability of having superior health,
happiness and hope.

What are the chances I might get a sexually

transmitted disease or infection?

The Health Protection Agency has reported a rise

in chlamydia from 1995-2004 of 223per cent, a
rise in gonorrhoea of 111per cent and a rise of
syphilis of 1,499 per cent in the same time period.

37
Chlamydia is the most common bacterial STD in
the UK, with 121,986 cases in 2007. It is
prevalent in up to 10 per cent of sexually active
women and frequently causes infertility. Most
infected women have no symptoms. There is no
convincing evidence that condom use provides
any protection against chlamydia.

Amongst the proliferation of sexually transmitted

diseases and infections since the sexual
revolution, Human papillomavirus (HPV) is the
most common. It is incurable but not permanent.
However, it does cause 99.7per cent of cervical
cancer.36 According to the British Journal of
Obstetrics and Gynaecology, 46 per cent of
teenage girls acquire HPV from their first sexual
relationship.37 The majority of sexually active
women have been infected with one or more
types of HPV.

What about masturbation?

Masturbation is an act that is only inward

looking. It speaks of selfishness rather than

38
mutual self giving and is contrary to the
procreative and unitative purposes of sex. It
deceives us into putting our own desires first,
before our relationship with God and the purity of
our own hearts. Jesus says that anyone who looks
at a woman lustfully commits adultery with her in
his own heart.38 Such a habit teaches us to take
and use rather than to give. It can distort our
relationships and lead to addiction. God’s healing
is always possible for those who struggle in this
area.

What about pornography? It is not as if

anyone is getting hurt.

If you were face-to-face with some of those who

had experienced sexual and physical abuse as a
result of pornography, would you still be able to
explain that this “entertainment” was not a
tragedy? Meeting victims face-to-face is a real
way to realise the full extent of the damage that
pornography does.

39
The use of pornography trains your brain to
expect women to be constantly sexually available,
physically flawless and devoid of any human or
emotional commitment. It is perhaps the most
effective way to destroy your future marriage.
Pornography leads to a warped understanding and
appreciation of sex. It damages the beautiful gift
of human sexuality into a fantasy based on lies,
manipulation and financial exploitation. It
destroys marriages, degrades women,
emasculates men and distorts the emotional and
spiritual dimensions of sex. Porn involves the
exploitation of women, generating abuse and
misery worldwide.

40
10 reasons to save sex until marriage

1. God’s blessing on purity.

2. Increased likelihood of happier and longer-
lasting marriage.
3. The avoidance of unwanted pregnancy and
abortion.
4. The avoidance of sexually transmitted diseases.
5. Protection from emotional distress and
problems.
6. Increase in self-esteem, maturity and dignity.
7. Those that wait for sex until marriage report
more satisfying marital sex.
8. Trust in relationships is preserved.
9. The joy of the gift of purity to your spouse.
10. The beauty of inviting the author of life into
your life.

41
Prayer for purity

Jesus, help me to love as you do. Make me pure

of body, pure of mind and pure of heart that I
might see God and enjoy his plan for me. Make
me clean and heal me from the wounds of sin.
Strengthen me each day to live the love to which
you call me. By myself I am weak and my heart
is not pure, but in you I can be strong and holy.

Mary, you are the Immaculate Conception, so

pure and chaste. I pray to you for purity in our
world. In particular, I pray for purity among
young people. Mary I want to be pure like you
are. St Joseph, I want to have your courage to
guard the purity of others and myself. Please help
me in my walk with Jesus, so that I can glorify
God in my body, and join you all in heaven one
day.

St Joseph, pray for us

St Raphael, the Archangel, pray for us,
St Maria Goretti, pray for us,
Amen.

42
I am a responsible young man

The parents of my girlfriend can place their trust

in me. I will not violate it.
I will respect my girlfriend as I expect other men
to respect my sister.
I will respect womanhood because my mother is a
woman:
I will not ask my girlfriend to do anything that I
would be ashamed of if my mother or father
found out.
My girlfriend has given me the honour and
pleasure of her company.
It is wrong for me to expect more in payment for
this date.
My girlfriend will be a wife and mother some day
She must be an example to her children and the
pride of her husband.
I will help her to be pure and decent, as I want my
own wife to be.
Manhood means strength of character as well as
body.
Lack of self-control is a sign of weakness.

43
I want my girlfriend to know I am manly.
God is everywhere.
He sees everything. He knows everything.
Darkness may hide me from people,
But cannot hide me from God.
If through my lack of self-control,
I should get a girlfriend pregnant,
I will not put pressure on her to kill our unborn
child.

44
I am a responsible young woman

My body is the temple of God… not a plaything.

The first “NO” may be difficult. After that, it’s
easy.
Virginity is still a virtue, lust a sin.
The way I dress, act and speak may be a
temptation to my boyfriend.
I will observe modesty for his and my own
protection.
My parents have done so much for me.
I wish always to be a credit to them.
My boyfriend will be a husband and father some
day.
He must be a hero in the eyes of his wife and
children.
I will do nothing to prevent that on my dates with
him.
I want to be a wife and mother.
I will reserve my purity and affections for my
husband and children.
If through my weakness, I should get pregnant, I
will not take “the easy way out” by killing my
unborn child.

45
What does God’s word say about Chastity?
Jesus tells us, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for
they shall see God.” (Matthew 5:8). He also
reminds us, “If you love me, you will keep my
commandments.” (John 14:15).

How pure should we be?

Immorality or any impurity or greed must not
even be mentioned among you, as is fitting
among holy ones. Let there be no obscenity or
silly or suggestive talk, which is out of place, but
instead, thanksgiving. (Ephesians 5:3-4).

What happens to fornicators and adulterers?

Those who do such things will not inherit the
kingdom of God. (Galatians 5:19-23, 1
Corinthians 6:9-13). For if you live according to
the flesh, you will die, but if by the spirit you put
to death the deeds of the body, you will live.
(Romans 8:13)

What has God called us to do?

This is the will of God, your holiness: that you
refrain from immorality, that each of you knows

46
how to acquire a wife for himself in holiness and
honour, not in lustful passion as do the Gentiles
who do not know God; not to take advantage of
or exploit a brother in this matter, for the Lord is
an avenger in all these things, as we told you
before and solemnly affirmed. For God did not
call us to impurity but to holiness. (1
Thessalonians 4:3-7). The Lord loves the pure of
heart; the man of winning speech has the king for
his friend. (Proverbs 22:11).

How valuable is a good wife?

When one finds a worthy wife, her value is far
beyond pearls. (Proverbs 31:10). It is better to
dwell in a wilderness than with a quarrelsome and
vexatious wife. (Proverbs 21:19).

What is our body a temple for?

Avoid immorality. Every other sin a person
commits is outside the body, but the immoral
person sins against his own body. Do you not
know that your body is a temple of the Holy
Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and
that you are not your own? For you have been

47
purchased at a price. Therefore, glorify God in
your body. (1 Corinthians 6:18-20, see 10:31).

What must our attitude be towards marriage?

Let marriage be honoured among all and the
marriage bed be kept undefiled, for God will
judge the immoral and adulterers. (Hebrews
13:4). What God has joined together, no human
being must separate. (Mark 10:9).

How should we behave as good examples?

Older women should be reverent in their
behaviour, not slanderers, not addicted to drink,
teaching what is good, so that they may train
younger women to love their husbands and
children, to be self-controlled, chaste, good
homemakers, under the control of their husbands,
so that the word of God may not be discredited.
Urge the younger men, similarly, to control
themselves, showing yourself as a model of good
deeds in every respect, with integrity in your
teaching, dignity, and sound speech that cannot
be criticised, so that the opponent will be put to

48
shame without anything bad to say about us.
(Titus 2:3-8).

How must we treat men and women?

Treat younger men as brothers, older women as
mothers, and younger women as sisters with
complete purity. (1 Timothy 5:1-2).

How should wives behave?

Likewise, your wives should be subordinate to
your husbands so that, even if some disobey the
word, they may be won over without a word by
their wives' conduct when they observe your
reverent and chaste behaviour. Your adornment
should not be an external one: braiding the hair,
wearing gold jewellery, or dressing in fine
clothes, but rather the hidden character of the
heart, expressed in the imperishable beauty of a
gentle and calm disposition, which is precious in
the sight of God. (1 Peter 3:1-4).

49
Can you look at a woman lustfully?
Everyone who looks at a woman with lust has
already committed adultery with her in his heart.
(Mt 5:28).

50
Love versus Lust
Love gives Lust uses
Love is personal Lust is objectifying
Love is honest Lust is devious
Love waits Lust takes
Love is life giving Lust is lifeless
Love is life long Lust is temporary
Love chooses Lust uses
Love sympathizes Lust criticizes
Love is committed Lust is unattached
Love is faithful Lust is disloyal
Love is generous Lust is selfish
Love communicates Lust manipulates
Love is deep Lust is shallow
Love is responsive Lust is insensitive
Love is pure Lust is impure
Love understands Lust makes demands
Love is kind Lust is blind
Love appreciates Lust intimidates
Love is kind Lust dares
Love accepts Lust discards
Love is given Lust is obsessed
Love talks Lust walks
Love adores Lust keeps score

51
Chastity Pledge

As I recognize that chastity is a gift of the Holy

Spirit, I choose to live a pure life, because I'm
worth it! I give my whole self - mind, body, heart
and fertility into God's keeping, until He leads me
to marry the love of my life.

Signed _________________________

Date _____________

52
1
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/berkshire/7914656.stm
2
Office for National Statistics.
3
US News and World Report study. Mentioned at the World Congress of Families.
http://www.worldcongress.org/wcf2_spkrs/wcf2_baehr.htm#_ednref26
4
Catechism of the Catholic Church (Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 1994), 2348.
5
The Fourth and Fifth Rs: Respect and Responsibility, Volume 13, Issue 2, Fall 2007, Centre for the 4th and 5th Rs. Dr.
Thomas Lickona.
6
Josh Mcdowell, Why Wait: What you need to know about the teen sexuality crisis (Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville,
1987), p244.
7
From the Memorare. This is a special prayer to the Blessed Virgin Mary.
8
Frank Sheed, Society and Sanity, Sheed and Ward, 1953.
9
Karol Wojtyla, Love and Responsibility, Ignatius Press, San Fransisco, p176.
10
Ibid., p.179
11
Wendy Shalit, A return to modesty: rediscovering the lost virtue (Free Press, 2000), p193.
12
Kierkegaard, How to distinguish love from lust, 1959, Volume II, p21.
13
Josh Harris, Boy meets girl (Multnomah press, 2000), p154.
14
Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity, (Grand Rapids, Revell, 1984), 21.
15
CS Lewis, The Great Divorce, (Harperone, 2001).
16
Cf. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20
17
Cf. Genesis 1:27
18
Bruce Stadel “Oral Contraceptives and the occurrence of disease” in Contraceptive Steroids: Pharmacology and Safety,
ed A.T. Gregoire and Richard Blye (NY and London: Plenum Press, 1986, p14-5).
19
Maureen Gardner, Facts About Oral Contraceptives, National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, 1984,
p8, p12.
20
Mary S. Calderone, ed. Abortion in the United States: A conference sponsored by the PPFa and the New York Academy
of Medicine, Arden House (New York, Harper and Row, 1958), p157.
21
Contem. Obstetrics & Gynaecology, 1988; 19: 315-26.
22
Christopher West, Good News about Sex and Marriage, p122.
23
A Glasier, Emergency Contraception, BMJ, 333:560–561.
24
Gardner G, Promoting Sexual Health BMJ 1992 305 70-71.
25
US Department of Health, Contraception, Comparing the Options.
26
USA Today, May 19th, 1992.
27
Family Planning Perspectives. 1999
28
Williams ES. Contraceptive failure may be a major factor in teenage pregnancy. BMJ 1995; 311: 807.
29
Physicians Resource Councils, New Study Shows Higher Unwed Birth rates Among Sexually Experienced Teens Despite
Increased Condom Use (10 February 1999).
30
The Consortium of State Physicians Resource Councils, New Study Shows Higher Unwed Birthrates Among Sexually
Experienced Teens Despite Increased Condom Use (10 February 1999).
31
N. Hearst and S. Chen, Condom Promotion for AIDS Prevention in the Developing World: is it Working? Studies in
Family Planning 35:1 (March 2004): 39–47.
32
Fr Paul Marx, The 40th Anniversary of Humanae Vitae: In Retrospect.
33
Robert Reid M.D., Condoms Won’t Prevent Transmission of HPV, Family Planning News 22 (June 1992): 12, K.L.
Noller, Talking to the HPV patient Ob Gyp Clinical Alert, 1993, p39.
34
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4832814.stm
35
Medical Institute for Sexual Health, Sex, Condoms, and STDs: What We Now Know (Austin, Tex.: Medical Institute for
Sexual Health, 2002)
36
Cf. J. M. Walboomers, et al., Human Papillomavirus Is a Necessary Cause of Invasive Cervical Cancer Worldwide,
Journal of Pathology 189:1 (September, 1999): 12-19
37
Collins, et al., High incidence of cervical human papillomavirus infection in women during their first sexual relationship,
BJOG : an international journal of obstetrics and gynaecology 109:1 (January, 2002): 96-98.
38
Cf. Matthew 5:28