Jokes Teachers Students

Student - Teacher Jokes
Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"

Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."
Teacher:&nbspHow old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born.
Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is my age?

Student:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
Student:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
Teacher:Paul, what is the chemical formula of Water?

Paul: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O
Teacher: What is this?
Paul: Well!! you said it is H2O.
Student:(to teacher)Ma'am my pen has run out of ink.

Teacher:Go run after it.
Teacher:Ramu,get up.How can you sleep in my class?
Ramu:I can teacher,if you keep your voice down.
Teacher: Where does God live?

Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in
there?'
Teacher: "Anoop, stop showing off.

Do you think you are the teacher of this class?"
Anoop: "No, Miss."
Teacher: "Then stop acting like a fool!"

Pupil: “Sir, Would you mind e-mailing my exam results to my parents?”
Teacher: “But your parents don’t have a computer.”
Pupil: “Exactly!” A student to his
Teacher: “ I haven’t got no pencil.” Teacher, correcting him: “ You don’t have any pencil.
He doesn’t have any pencils. We don’t have any pencils.”Student, with a look of astonishment:
“Where have all the pencils gone?” Teacher to
Girl: “Why are you late? ”
Girl: “I started late from home”.
Teacher: “Why didn’t you start early? ”
Girl: “By the time I woke up, it was too late to start early” Teacher to the Student: Why are
you tearing up your homework copy?
Student:To keep the elephants away.

Teacher: But there are no elephants here.
Student: See, how effective it is!!!

Teacher: You weren't at school last Friday, Robert. I heard you were at the movie theatre.
Robert:That's not true, sir. And I've got the tickets from the football game to prove it.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to
gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I
made ugly faces I would stay like that." The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say
you weren't warned, Ms. Smith."
Nigel: You said the school dentist would be painless, but he wasn't.
Teacher: Did he hurt you?
Nigel: No, but he screamed when I bit his finger.
Two sisters came home from school crying their hearts out. "What's wrong?"
asked their mother.
First sister started wailing,"The kids at school make fun of my big feet." "There, there," soothed
the mother. "Your feet aren't that big." She turned to the second sister. Now why are you
crying?"
"Because I've been invited to a ski party & I can't find my skis." "That's okay," said her mother,
"you can borrow your sister's shoes."
Teacher: How do you spell “CAT”

Sameer: K.A.T
Teacher: But dictionary spells it CAT
Sameer: You asked me how I spell it?
Teacher: A TEACHER ASKS A STUDENT" NAME 5 MILK PRODUCTS?

Student:HE SAID"BUTTER , CHEESE , GHEE & 2 COWS.
Teacher: Teacher(asks student)-wats ur father names ?

student(replys teacher) -his name is BUTTER RED
Teacher: teacher(with a surprised face)-wat ?
student(replys) -yes maam his name is MAKHAN LAL !!!!!
Teacher:Who was Raja Ram Mohan Roy ?

Student:They all four were great friends
Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in english,answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight."
Teacher:how were the exams?

Student:the questions were easy but the answeres were hard.
Teacher:RAGHU,HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT THE EARTH IS ROUND.
RAGHU:I NEVER SAID IT IS ROUND.
Teacher:Ritu spell "Blind Bird"

RITU:B,l,n,d B,r,d
Teacher:Where are the two i's??
RITU:Teacher a blind bird doesn't have eyes!
Teacher:?????????
Once a techer said to the children:When I will ask you a question give the answer very fast.
Teacher:What is the capital of India?
Child:Very fast
Teacher: WHAT HAPPEN TO GOLD IF EXPOSED IN AIR?
RAMESH: IT IS STOLEN,SIR
Rahul:Madam my paper is the neatest.

Teacher:You haven't written anything.
Rahul:That's why it is the neatest.
Teacher:Rita,please stand up and answer this question.Why did the calf cross the road?
Rita:I don't know ma'm.But I know someone who can answer this question.
Teacher:(astonished)Who?
Rita:Very simple the calf
Teacher:What is the capital of china

Student:You Know
Teacher:Yes
Student:Then why are you asking
Teacher"Who has read the 25th chapter?" (almost all the students raise their hands)
Teacher"There is no 25th chapter in the book".
Teacher:STUDENTS DRAW A PICTURE OF BACTERIA.

Student:HERE IT IS MAM.
Teacher:WHERE?IT IS BLANK.
Student:YOU TOLD THAT BACTERIA CANNOT BE SEEN WITH NAKED EYE !
Teacher:ONCE TEACHER ASKED A CHILD 'WHERE IS THE HIMALAYAS " STUDENT SAID"I DONT
KNOW."
Student:THEN TEACHER ORDERED HIM TO STAND ON THE CHAIR" THEN STUDENT TOLD THE
TEACHER INNOCENTLY "I STILL CAN'T SEE IT."
Student: Can you tell me mam, why would a room go to a doctor?

Teacher: You stupid! Anyway, what is the answer?
Student: Very simple! Because it has always got window-pane!
Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser:Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students
Sir:How can you tell a hawk has good eye sight?

Raj:Because I have never seen a hawk wearing spectacles
Teacher: Now , Sam , Tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
Student: No sir , I don't have to my mom is a good cook
Teacher:What happened in 1869?

Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher:What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.
Teacher:Ramya and Shilpa!,why are you late for school,today?

Shilpa:Madam,I lost a one rupee coin and was searching for it.
Teachear:Ramya,what about you?
Ramya:Madam,,I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under my feet.
Teacher: Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue
would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE
A teacher to a Parent:
Teacher:Ma'm your son has cheated in his examinations.
Parent:You can prove that I am sure
Teacher:Well put it this way the first answer of your child's partner was yes.
Parent:So that proves nothing .
Teacher:But for the second question your son's partner wrote "i dont know" and your son
wrote "neither do I"
Teacher: Now children, if I saw a man beating a donkey with a stick and I stop him , what
virtue would I be showing?
Student : Brotherly love.
Once a teacher with her students went to visit a zoo.
When the teacher saw the lion she told her students that the lion belonged to the cat family.
A watchman heard her and told her that the lion belonged to the zoo not the cat family.
Teacher:anu,can you name five things made up of milk?

anu:butter,cheese,cream------
Teacher:yes,yes go on.
anu:and two cows
Teacher:Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.

Student:A holiday
Which is the pan in which we cannot fry something?......

japan
Teacher:Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.

Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher:Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!
Teacher:How can you prove it that birds have a sharp eyesight?

Student:Teacher,because I have never seen a bird wearing spectacles
Teacher:RAJU HOW WILL YOU DISTRIBUTE FIVE ORANGES EQUALLY TO EIGHT PEOPLE?
RAJU:SIMPLE I WILL FIRST TAKE OUT THE JUICE POUR IT IN EIGHT GLASSES AND GIVE THEM
Teacher(taking an oral test):OK James,tell me how many mangoes will it make if I had 5
mangoes and you give me 2 more?
James:7, mam.
Teacher:good, now tell me if I have 4 apples and I give you.....
James: Sorry mam but I was absent when you taught the class word problems of apples and I
forgot to copy it down from my friend.
teacher-:what happened in 1889.

student-:gandhi ji was born.
Teacher:-what happened in 1892
Student:-ganghi ji was three year old.
Doctor Jokes
Patient:Doctor,I feel so sick I want to die!
Doctor: Don't worry, Just leave that job to me.
Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.

Don't talk rubbish!
A dentist’s patient was grumbling about the fee. “Two hundred rupees for pulling out a tooth!,”
she exclaimed. “And it’s only a minute’s work.”
“Well, if you wish,” the dentist said, “I’ll it out slowly.”
Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice. He doesn’t go near
them!
Shopkeeper: Well, isn’t that good for mice?
Patient: “How can I ever repay you for your kindness to me?”
Doctor: “By cheque, money order, or cash.”
Lady to the doctor over the phone. “ Doctor, I beg of you, please prescribe me something
immediately to reduce my weight. My husband has given me a wonderful birthday present, and
I can’t get into it. “
Doctor:” Just come over here tomorrow, and I shall give you a prescription. Then you will soon
be able to wear your wonderful new dress.”
Lady: “ Who said anything about a dress? I am talking of car.”
Man: "Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is giving me a headache!"

Doctor: "Why?"
Man: "Because my wife keeps hitting me on the head with it."
A man visited a headmaster who was playing chess with his dog. "Your dog must be must be
very intelligent," said the man.
"Not really," said the headmaster. "I've won three games out of four."
Assistant: Doctor the invisible man has come for his check up.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.
"Doctor I keep stealing things. What can I do?"

"Try to resist the temptation but if you can't, get me a new television"
PATIENT:-DOCTOR I AM FEELING SEVER ITCHING,GIVE ME A MEDICINE PLEASE.

DOCTOR:-TAKE THIS SLIP TO THE MEDICAL SHOP
PATIENT:-IF I USE THIS MEDICINE,I CAN SOLVE THIS ITCHING.
DOCTOR:-I GAVE THIS FOR GROWING YOUR NAILS FOR SCRATCHING.
Patient:Why does everyone ignore me?

Doctor:Next Please!!!!!!
Patient:"I want to live doctor when should I take the medicine".

Doctor:"So remember to take the medicine exactly before you feel the pain".
One day a man saw a beggar on the street. He went to him and said "If you stop begging I will
pay you Rs 1000 per month".
In reply the begger said "Come and beg with me and I will pay you Rs5000 per month
A boy to the doctor,"Doctor, Doctor I have lost my memory."

"When did this happen?" asked the doctor.
The boy said,"When did what happen?"
Patient:Doctor!Doctor!One of my eyes is different from the other!

Doctor:Really,which one
FATHER TO SON-:SON IF YOU GOT GOOD MARKS, I WILL GIVE YOU A NEW CYCLE.
SON -:DAD IF I GOT LESS MARKS IN CLASS WHAT WILL YOU GIVE ME.
FATHER-:A RIKSHAW
Docter: what is your problem?

Patient: I have only one Problem in my life, that is ,when I walk my legs are not joined ,it is
always one forwards and one backwards.
Man:Doctor,whenever I drink my coffee,I get a sharp pain in my eye.What should I do?

Doctor:Just remove the spoon from your cup.
Man in Delhi:I have a severe foot ache. Doctor after examining says-"You should walk for 4 km
everyday".
After a month the doctor receives a call from the same patient saying,"I am now in Agra, how
much more should I walk?"
Patient: Doctor, i see double

Doctor:sit on the chair please
Patient:which one
patient:doctor,i've lost my memory. doctor:when did this happen?

patient:when did what happen?
Did you hear about the man who ate 106 cloves of garlic a day?
He was taken to hospital in a coma. Poor thing, the doctor said it was from inhaling his own
breath!!!
PATIENT:Doctor,Doctor everyone keeps ignoring me.

DOCTOR :Next please.
Doctor:tell me how many fingers are these?

Patient:thirteen.
Doctor :I don't understand your eyes are weak or your arithmatic?
once,before an operation of a patient the doctor was holding a garland in his hands.
Patient:Doctor why are you holding a garland in your hand? Doctor:If the operation is
successful,iwill wear it to myself or a failure i wear it for you
Once a patient went to the Doctor and said,"my hair is falling .Can u give me anything to keep it
in?"
So,then the doctor said tha yes u can hve a polythin bag.
What is a definition of a doctor? A person who kills the problem in your body with pills and then
kills you with his bills.
Patient : "Doctor, Doctor my hair keeps falling out, can you give me anything to keep it in ?"
Doctor : "Yes, here is a paper bag !"
Nurse: "Wake up man"

Patient: "Why what's the matter"
Nurse: "Nothing, I just forgot to give you the prescribed sleeping pills".
Doctor, doctor, can you give me something for my baldness?

How about a few pounds of pig manure?
Will that cure my baldness?
No, but with that on your head no one will come near enough to notice you're bald.
in?"


in?"


How about a few pounds of pig manure? Will that cure my baldness? No, but with that on your
head no one will come near enough to notice you're bald.
in?"


Son- Daddy why do you wear a mask in operation theater.
Father- Well son , I need to make sure no one identifies me if something goes wrong.
A man to a doctor.
Man:Doctor!!I have started seeing double.
Doctor:Please take a seat.(doctor replied)
Man:Which one??????
Lady over the phone:Doctor,what can I do?My little boy has swallowed my pen?
Doctor:Use a pencil till I come.
Once a patient went to a doctor with a burnt ear.

Doctor: What happened!
Patient: I will not tell u, you'll laugh.
Doctar: If you will not tell me, how will I give u medicine?
Patient- ok!I was pressing clothes. Once the phone ring I picked the press up and said to the
press. hello!!
once a patient comes and says that docter i cant say clearly whatever i say,i say opposite. than
the docter said ok speak nigt was dark the dogs were barking stars were twinkling. then the boy
said the stars were barking the dogs were dark and the night were twinkling.the docter said oh
no
one time one mans wife drinks petrol & then started running hear & there,so his husband went
running to doctor & said dr my wife has drink petrol & has startted running hear & theare so dr
says that dont worry when the petrol will be empty she will stop running.
Once a patient went to a dentist he charged the patient Rs5 after he took out the tooth he
charged Rs25 when the patient asked the doctor the reason he said because of your scream the
othe 4 patients ran away
once a man went to a dentist. dentist checks his teeth and says dentist:there is a good news
and a bad news man:what is the good news dentist:the good news is that your teeth are perfect
. man:what is the bad news? dentist:the bad news is that your teeth are so bad that i have to
remove all your teeth
John:"When my fingers heal,will I be able to play the piano"?

Doctor:"Of course". John:"Great! I never could before!"
How do you define a hospital?

A hospital is a place where the nurses wake you up to give you sleeping pills. contributed by
akshay
Police Jokes
Q)Why is our Delhi Police considered most efficient?
Ans)Because they can tell of a robbery two days in advance.
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his
house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!", said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I've been trying to do that for years!"
GIRL;Sir,could you please take my brother home because he is lost.

POLICEMAN:Why?Can't you take him home yourself. Girl:Because I'm lost too.
Lady:"i am in the middle of the road, can you tell me how to get to the hospital".
policeman:" just stay where you are and then you will get there anyway".
Policeman(to the watchman): Where were you when the labourer was kidnapped.
Watchman: I was on duty Policeman: Then why didn't you try to save him.
Watchman: Sir, my duty is to keep watch on the building & not on the men of the building
Policeman:Stop, stop ,your headlights are not working

The Man:Move, move ,even the brakes are not moving
Q)Why is our Delhe Police considered most efficient?

Ans)Because they can tell about a robbery two days in advance.
Police:[to robber]Are you not ashamed?You come to jail so often?

Robber:[to police]Why should I be sir.You also come here everyday.
Man : Officer! There is bomb in my garden !

Officer :Don't worry . If no one claims it within three days , you can keep it.
The police sent a set of pictures of a wanted criminal to all stations within 100 kilometres.
The set contained a front shot and two side shots. A week later they got a fax saying, "We've
caught the fellow in the middle but we're still looking for the other two."
A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off.
"Shall I run and get it for you?" asked the prisoner obligingly.
"Do you think I am a fool" said the officer.
"You stand here and I'll get it."
Once a one police-man told another that he should catch the thief.He returns back.
First police-man asks him whether he had caught the thief or not.
He says "I hadn't caught him but got his finger-prints."
First police-man asks "where?"
He says "on my face."
ralal caught a very dangerous robber and was about to put him in the car when his hat flew
away.robber"may i get this hat far you sir".ramlal"do you think i am a fool to let you go alone
when there is no one else?you wait here ill go."
a police was escorting a prisoner to jial when his hat blew off "shall i run and get it for
you"asked the prisoner obligingly " do you think i am a fool.you stay here i'll go get it."said the
officer
Once a girl was running here and there. The guard of the colony was looking at her.
Guard- Why are you running here and there?
Girl- I am running away from my house.
Guard- But you have been running here and there from a lot of time.
Girl- Yes, that's because I am not allowed to get out from my colony.
Kid Jokes
Teacher - Where is himalaya.
Kid - Madam!I don't know.
Teacher- Don't know? Stand on the desk.
Kid - I still cant see.
Teacher:What's the meaning of a school?

Robin: A school is a place where father pays and the child plays!
Raj:What is your baby brother name

Raju:I dont know he can"t talk yet
Girl: "What did you get that little medal for?"

Boy: "For singing."
Girl: "What did you get the big one for?"
Boy: "For stopping."
Son: "Dad, are you getting taller?"

Dad: "No, why do you ask?"
Son: "Because your head is growing through your hair!"
A little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he tapped his teacher on the shoulder
and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody
is going to get a spanking."
Raju: "What sort of a car has your dad got?"

Ajay: "I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T."
Raju: "Really - Ours only starts with petrol."
Q:WHAT IS THE NAME OF A CITY IN WHICH WE CANNOT ENTER?

A:ELECTRICITY
Teacher:Ramu,what is far moon or Bombay?

Ramu:Bombay,because we can see moon,but we cannot see Bombay.
There were two brothers, who were very naughty. If anything went wrong in a locality they
were suspected. So one day their parents decided to take them to a counsellor.
At the counsellor’s place, he asked the younger brother: “Where is God?”
The kid went blank. The counsellor again repeated the question. At this the kid cried and went
to his older brother saying that they were in trouble because God was lost and they were being
suspected for stealing him.
Sahib Aggarwal, Jammu (J&K)
Rajiv: Oh God! Please make Mumbai the capital of India

Mother: But why son?
Rajiv: Because that’s what I wrote in my test paper.
Kids Naina: We should use soap to keep our body clean. What should we do to keep our heart
clean?
Nancy- I don’t know !!! Probably we must eat the soap.
Son: “Mon, teacher was asking me today, if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to
school.”
Mom: “That’s nice of her to take such an interest in you.So what did she say when you told her
that you’re the only child, my dear?”
Son: “She just said… “Thank goodness!”
Father: “Son, why are you standing with you hands up?”
Son: “Because you told me to revise everything I did in school today!”
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, “What did you learn today?”
The kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”
Early one morning, a lady went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to
school!"
"But why Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Mother: “Did you get a good place to sit in your history exam?”
Daughter: “yes, ma. I sat next to the cleverest kid in the class.”
Three boys were bragging how great their fathers were.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I
tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and
be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know
nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and is home by 3:45!!"
Ajay: "What position does your brother play in the school football team ?"
Sanjeev: "I think he's one of the drawbacks !"
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied,
"Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."
Raj: "What did you get on your birthday?"

Ravi: "A set of drums and it is the best present I have ever had."
Raj: "Why?"
Ravi: "Because my father gives me Rs. 100 a week for not playing them."
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've
decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be much
more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.
Girl: “What did you get that little medal for?”

Boy: “For singing.”
Girl: “What did you get the big one for?”
Boy: “For Stopping”
MOTHER(TO SON):-YOU BEHAVED WELL IN BUS TODAY ,I AM GLAD YOU DIDN'T THROW THE
BANANA PEEL ON THE ROAD.
NITIN:-I DIDN'T MUM.
MOTHER:-WHERE DID YOU PUT IT THEN?
SON:-I JUST PUT IT IN THE POCKET OF THE PASSENGER SITTING NEXT TO ME!
Son: I had a tough day at the Office

Mom: At the office (surprisingly)
Son: Ya ,at the principle's office
Teacher: Amith, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'.

Amit: I is...
Teacher: No, no, no, don't say "I is", you say "I am".
Amit: OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Q:WHICH IS THE LONGEST ROPE IN THE WORLD?

A:EUROPE
Father : Son , what do u want for your birthday ?

Son : Not much dad , just a radio with a sports car around it .
Sam-Doing some work with ladder and measuring tape.

John-What are you doing?
Sam-Trying to measure the length of this ladder.
John-Keep the ladder on the ground and then measure it.
Sam-You fool. I want to measure it's length not it's breadth.
Once upon atime there was a man.

He says I have two daughters both are girls.
Two boys were travelling in a bus, and were sitting next to each other.
One boy exclaimed: "Did you knew? Deep breathing kills the germs!"
The other kid: "But how can we make the germs take a deep breadth?"
Suresh:`I saw your pushing your bicycle to work this afternoon

Gaurav:"Yes,Iwas so late I didn't have the time to get on it`.,
TEACHER-what did your father present your sister on her birthday?

STUDENT-SHE WANTED TO SEE THE WHOLE WORLD,SO HE GAVE HER AN ATLAS !
Santa was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house.
"You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check.
"Also, in order to thank-you, here`s an extra Five hundred rupees to take the Mrs out to dinner
and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.
Thinking the painter had forgotten something Santa asked, "What`s the matter, did you forget
something?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I`m just here to take your Mrs out to dinner and a movie like you
asked."
Teacher:What did Mahatma Gandhi give us?

Pinki:Ma'am he gave us a holiday for 2nd october.
Two couples had a quarrel and they were not talking with each other.But the husband had to
wake up early at 5 in the morning.So he finds ways to tell her wife.Then comes an idea in his
mind.He writes on a paper to her to wake him up at 5 & keeps the chit on his bed
In the morning he suddenly wakes up & sees a chit ,"Its 5 o'clock,get up" (as they are not
talking with each other.)
Mother (to child):Wake up!wake up!you are being late!

Child:Mom I do'nt want to go to school
Mother:But why?
Child:I saw a dream
Mother:what dream?
Child:I was running a 100 metre race!
Mother:so?
Child:I am tired
q)what is the opposite of titanic?

a)looseanic
Once a cooker and a kadahai were talking to each other.

The cooker said to the kadahi that you look so black.
The kadahi replied "that is why you whistle when you see me".
WHICH IS THE BIGGEST ROPE IN THE WOLRD?

ANSWER-EUR(ROPE).
One day, three boys were talking to each other that how they are better than each other. So the
first boy said that his father has a shop of chocolates, so he said that he everyday eats one. So
the second boy said that his father has a shop of ice-creams so he regularly eats one. So the
third boy said that he his superior than they both are. He said that his father has a shop of
shoes so he everyday eat them.
Son:Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt? Father:No.Why do you ask me that? Son:Then where
did you get mummy from?
Once there were four men, one African, one Australian, one Chinese, and one Indian.
The Australian said, "lets make something."
The Chinese replied, "we'll make a TV."
Then the African said,"I'll make the inside part of the TV."
Australian said, "I'll make the outside part of the TV."
The Chinese said," I'll make the remote of the TV."
The Indian said, "I'll write Made In India."
Girl:"WHAT DID YOU GET THAT LITTLE MEDAL FOR?" BOY:"FOR SINGING"
Girl:"WHAT DID YOU GET THE BIG ONE FOR?"
BOY:"FOR STOPPING"
One day three kids were praising about their fathers.One of them said "my dad fell from a high
building. He broke his leg. The doctor replaced it with a baseball bat. So he became a champion
in playing baseball."The other one said that my dad fell from a high building. The doctor
replaced it with a cricket bat. My dad became a champion in cricket." The third one said that my
dad fell from a high building. The doctor replaced it with the cow's stomach.My dad became a
champion in giving milk."
MOTHER-Son,wake up.U have to go to school. SON-Mom give me 2 reasons why i should go to

school. MOTHER-First one,because u r 56 yearsand second one because u r the PRINCIPLE of
the school.
A foreigner comes to india.He likes it and decides to spend the rest of his life in India.
One day he thougth that he should learn hindi ,so he went to a hindi teacher
Teacher:Repeat after me
Foreigner:ok
Teacher:maine kiya
Foreigner:maaaaaaaaaaame kiyo
Teacher:manoranjan ke liye
Foreigner:maaanoraanjan kee liyee
Teacher:jaldi chalo
Foreigner:jaaldi chaaloo
Then the foreigner comes back to his house in the way and there was a murder of a person and
the police arrived.
Police:kisne kiya
Foreigner:mane kiya,mane kiya!!
Police:kyuonn kiya?
Foreigner:manoranjan ke liye
Police:police station chalo
Foreigner:jaldi chalo
Two cannibals were having their dinner.

One said to the other, “I don’t like your friend.”
The other replied, “Well put her to one side and just eat the greens then.”
Once upon a time there were two friends .1st friend said that my father has a sweets shop so,I
always eat sweets.
The second friend says you are so lucky my father has a shoe shop so I always eat shoes.
Sam:Why are you not going to play with us today?

Adam:I am helping my father in doing my homework.
Customer:There is a fly in my soup. Waiter:Don't worry Sir, the spider in the bread will eat it.
Pinky:Which dog has no tail

Rinky:I dont know. You tell me
Pinky:A hot dog
Father: Look at these bills! Rent, telephone,electricity,shopping etc. The costs are going up on
all of them! I would be very happy if just one thing went down.
Son: Dad, my report card!
FATHER:-WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING THE LINE OF ANTS.

MINU:-TO SEE WHERE MUMMY HAS HIDDEN MY BOX OF CHOCOLATES
Raj had been talking on the phone for about half an hour before he hung up.
His father said, “Wow! That was short. You usually talk for an hour. What happened?”
Raj replied, “It was a wrong number.”
Raju went with his brother to the zoo. On the leopard’s cage they saw a sign that read-WET
PAINT.
“Oh” Raju’s brother said, “I always thought that leopard’s spots were real”.
Teacher: When was Rome built?

Student: At night! Sir
Teacher: Why?
Student: You once said Rome was not built in a day.
Mum, are the Smiths very poor people?

I don't think so, Jimmy. Why do you ask?
Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin.
Father to Son: "Why did you put the lizard on your sisters bed".
Son to Father: "Because I could not find a frog".
Parent: "I'd like a day without punishing you."

Child: "You have my full permission!"
Two friends Bobby and Rohit were walking back from school when Bobby turns to Rohit and
says, "Rohit if you had two Mercedes Benz cars would you give me one?"
Rohit says, "Now, Bobby we've been best friends since class II and if I had two of those
Mercedes, I would give the other one to you."
After a couple of minutes, Bobby turns to Rohit and says, "Rohit if you had two helicopters of
your own would you give one of them to me?"
Rohit says, "Of course Bobby, we’re such good friends I wouldn’t even think twice.”
They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Bobby turns to Rohit, "Rohit if you had two mega
size Kit Kat packs - you know the ones with with six bars…."
Rohit says, “Now wait a minute Bobby! You KNOW I've got two big Kit Kat packs"
Ram: "Mum!! May I have an apple?"

Mother: "But you have just had your lunch!"
Ram: "Yes Mum, but an apple a day keeps the doctor away and I have just broken his window"
A young boy called Tony went to study at a boarding school in the hills. After a month, his
mother came to visit him at his residence hall.
"And how do you find the students, Tony?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging
his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Tony! How do you manage to put up with these awfully noisy neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my drums."
Mother: "Eat bananas with milk, it will add colour to your face."
Daughter: "But who wants yellow cheeks on a white face!"
Saurav: "I was on the TV today."

Sapna: "You're kidding! How long were you on?"
Saurav: "Not very long. When my mom saw me she just told me to get off."
Unhappy at the state of Junior's room, his mother came up with a new rule.
Each time she had to pick something up off the floor of his room, Junior would have to pay her
a dime.
At the end of the week, she added up the chores and demanded twenty rupees.
Junior paid her and said, "Thanks, Ma, Keep up the good work!"
How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!
Gaurav: "Look, I just found a lost baseball."

Saurabh: "How do you know it's lost one?"
Gaurav: "Because the kids down the street are still looking for it!"
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping.
He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never take her along with me again!"
he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house. Knowing his sweet tooth Tommy's
mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of
cake."
"No," replied Tommy. "I only asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it,
and she gave me two more pieces of her own accord."
Jimmy did your Mother help you with your homework last night?" the teacher asked.
"No, she did it all," he replied.
Five-year-old Missy answered the door when the Mailman came by. She told the Mailman that
her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the Mailman, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it
means?"
"Sure! Fifteen Hundred dollars, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
A boy came home from school and his dad asked, "Have you had your homework marked ?"
The boy replied "Yes, but I'm afraid that you didn't do very well" !
“Ashok, do you like going to school”?

“Yes auntie, I do,“ Ashok replied.
“It is when I get there that I do not like it.”
A cannibal boy came home one evening and shouted “Mom, I have brought my friend home for
dinner”
“OK”, Said his mother, “Put him in the refrigerator”
Two kids were always boasting about their fathers.

First one: Do you know the Suez Canal?
Second one: Yes I know. First one: My father dug it.
Second one: Do you know the Dead Sea?
First one: Yes.
Second one: My father killed it.
Girl to her father: “I am so glad that I am not a bird”

Father: “Why?”
Girl: “Because I cannot fly.”
“I am ashamed of you” the mother said, “Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to
do!”
“He threw a rock at me!” the boy said. “So I threw one at him.”
The mother stated, “When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me.”
The boy quickly replied, “What good would that has done? My aim is much better than yours.”
Nisha: Mom, Harsh has broken my doll.

Mother: How did he do that?
Nisha: I hit him on the head with it.
Father to his son: “When Abraham Lincoln was of your age he was very intelligent.”
Son: “When Abraham Lincoln was of your age he was the president of the USA.”
Teacher(to a boy):Give me an example of barren land.

Boy:My father's head.
Ramu-What are you doing standing here in the hot sun?

Shamu-I am drying my sweat.
Teacher: NEXT TIME DO NOT WALK INTO CLASS WHEN YOU ARE LATE.
NEXT DAY Teacher:WHY ARE YOU CRAWLING INTO THE CLASS?
Student: MADAM, BEACAUSE I AM LATE .YOU TOLD ME NOT TO WALK INTO THE CLASS WHEN
I AM LATE THAT IS WHY I AM CRAWLING.
Once there were two girls named Simran and Vimal.The two girls went wherever their friends
wen. But one day only Vimal went into a bus. Why?
Because on that bus it was written ONLY VIMAL!
Ramesh-Shyam your daughter ran away with the driver.

Shyam jumps from the 15th floor.When he reaches the 10th floor he remembers that he did not
have any daughter.
When he reaches the 5th floor he remembers that he was not married.When he reaches the
ground floor he remembers that he was not Shyam,he was Ram
Once there were three ants.One was red one was black & one was white.
The red and white ants asked the black one, "Why are you so black"
The black ant said,"Because i stay in the heat.So, my skin is tanned" The white & black asked
the red, "Why are you so red."
The red ant said,"Because i drink blood." The red and black ants asked the white,"Why are you
so white?"
The white ant said,"Because I use fair and lovely everyday.
Girl:We should use soap to keep our body clean.What should we use to keep our heart clean?
Boy:I think we must eat the soap
ONE CROW:DONT STAND IN THE SUN.

SECOND CROW:WHY?
FIRST CROW:YOU WILL GET TANNED.
Mother:Raju,if you have 10 apples and the boy next to you takes away 5 apples then what will
you have?
Raju:A fight
Teacher:- Ramu,can you tell me the difference between morning and evening?
Ramu:In the morning our teachers scold us and in the evening our parents do that.
Shubham:What kind of ants like maths?

Parikshit:I give up
Shubham:An-account-ant
Dad: Rahul, why are you standing in the sun?

Rahul: Dad, I'm trying to dry my sweat.
once a boy asks his father that father-father have you ever gone to egypt. then the father said
that no son i have never been to egypt. the son said then from were you brought mummy
plane: brother rocket you fly in the sky i also fly in the sky. rocket:yes! plane:you have a
pointed nose,i also have pointed nose. rocket:yes!!!! plane:THEN WHY DO YOU FLY FASTER
THAN ME??????? rocket:when u will get BURNT at ur back then u will understand.
Parents of a boy called chandu were called to the principal's office due to a complaint of
cheating in exams The mother said "how are you so sure that my son has cheated? " The
principal replied "in the first question the boy beside him wrote '-' The mother replied "that
does'nt prove that he cheated" The principal again said"YES, but in the second question that
boy wrote'I DONT KNOW' and your son wrote 'NEITHER DO I'
one business man told his son "son today you are ready to learn the twists and turns of
business . follow me." he takes his son on the roof. "ok son ,when tell you to jump down
jump."the son says "but father what do I get by jumping 20 feet "the father replies "don't you
trust me when I tell you to jump,jump.JUMP!"the son jumps down. the father goes down and
looks at his fractured and bruised son and says "son today you have learnt yuor first
lesson.NEVER TRUST ANYBODY!!
Teacher:Raghu,what are you scribbling on your fingers?

RAGHU:Historical dates Teacher:Why?
RAGHU:Because our history teacher says that we should always have imortant historical dates
on our finger tips.
once in a class the master was explaining that 2 negatives make one positive.the next day one
boy came late to class.he asked the master"sir,can i come in?".the master replied "no".the boy
asked again and he got the same answer as "no".hearing this the boy entered the class.the
master became angry and asked him why he entered the class he replied"you only said 2
negatives make 1 positive."
A kid to her mother:Today in the bus one girl fell,so everybody laughed exept me.
Mother:Why din't you laugh. Kid:Because iwas the girl.
Once, a Chinese couple with their son were going in a plane.In the plane their were only 4
people the couple & their son with the pilot.The plane was going to crash.The plane had only
three parachutes.The pilot took his & jumped.Now the couple thought what should we do? they
thought & thought.They then realized that they two should jump because they could also adopt
a child.So the couple jumped.When they reached their house they saw thier son on the roof of
their house.They asked the child "how did you come here you were in the plane? the child said,
"Me chinese me no dum me hold on to daddy's bump daddy boom I go zoom that's how I reach
the house the soon."
knock knock who's there? boo. boo who? why are you crying?
Rohan had to fill a form. For that he went to Delhi from Mumbai.When he reached his friend's
house,his friend asked him why he had come such a long way to just fill up a form?
Rohan replied-"Silly,it was written WRITE IN CAPITAL.so, i came here!"
Once there were 4 aliens . one alien went to school and learnt I ,the second alien went to his
friends house and learnt because he stole my pencil,the third alien went to a restaurant and
learnt with a fork and knife and the forth alien went to disco and learnt yahoo !!! One day they
came across a dead man . The police came and asked the aliens : Police-"Who killid this man"
1st alien- I Police-"Why did u kill him" 2nd alien-"Because he stole my pencil." Police-"With what
did u kill him" 3rd alien-"With a fork and knife" Police-"All of u r going to jail" 4th
alien-"Yahoo!!!"
once a man waas drinking soup in a resturant.a cockroach was in it .the man began to shout
what kind of resturant this is ,cockroacahes there. then the manager came and told please dont
shout we will not take the charge of cockroach
Mintoo:It is so cold in my Grandfather's farm that the minute we milk buffalo, it turns unto ice-
cream.
Chintoo:It so warm in my Grandfather's fam tht the minute the hen lays'it comes out cooked.
Teacher:Raghu spell mouse Raghu :mous

Teacher:what is at the end?
Raghu :its tail
Once a mad man told to another mad man --There is a war between India & Bharat.
Another mad man -but why should we worry?We leave in Hindustan.
Once a mother told her daughter that when somebody calls you or whn you pick up the phone
always ask that is there any message to be left over?
Next day a phone came and the daughter picked up the phone
Daughter: Hello! who is it?
Caller:Is surjit there? Daughter: Sorry! its a wrong number but still would you like to leave any
message?
Once a mother told her daughter that when anybody calls you or when you pick up the phone
always ask that is there any message to be left over?
Next day a phone came and the daughter picked up the phone.
Daughter: Hello! who is it?
Caller: Is Surjit there?
Daughter: Sorry! its a wrong number but still would you like to leave any message?
Three men under an umbrella. But they did'nt get wet ,how?
Because it was n't raining!
Ram:what is the height of foolishness?

Shyam:Sitting on a motorbike and fighting for window seat.
why did the king go to the dentist? ans:to get his teeth crowned
Teacher:Raghu spell mouse

Raghu :mouse
Teacher:what is at the end?
Raghu :its tail
Santa Banta Jokes
Once a train was moving on the railway line. Suddenly the train got down from the railway line
and started moving into the fields.
The passengers got angry and decided to punish the train driver.
When the train stopped, all the passengers came to the driver and asked:"Why did you take the
train off the track into the fields."
Driver: A man came in front and was standing on the railway line.
Passeners: Why did you risk the life of so many passengers in order to save the life of one
man.You should have driven the train on that man.
Driver: I was going to do this only but the man ran towards the field.
Once Santa Singh entered a cybercafe to check his mails.It was crowded so he had to wait.As
he waited he saw a man checking his mails.He stood behind him and watched.The man typed
his password and was waiting when Santa Singh cried out"Yes yes I know your password.I can
read your mails now.
"Surprised the man asked "Oh yeah, tell me what is it".
Santa singh replied " Five stars."
Why did Santa Singh took 18 sardars to watch a movie?

Because under 18 was not allowed!
Banta: “My grandfather’s watch fell into a well and when it was found after 30 years, it was still
keeping correct time”
Santa: What is so great about it? Once my grandfather fell into a well, and after thirty years
when he was taken out, he was still alive.”
Banta: “How can it be possible? What was he doing in the well for thirty years?”
Santa: “He was winding your grandfather’s wrist-watch.”
Santa was was on his death bed. Santa: Where is my wife?

Santa's Wife: I am here.
Santa: Where are my sons?
Santa's Sons: We are here. Dad!
Santa: Where is Banta?
Banta: I am also here.
Santa: Then! who is at the shop.
Santa:What should we do? The water level has risen above the danger mark.
Banta:Raise the danger level mark up by a few meters.
SANTA & BANTA WERE GOOD FRIENDS.THEY BOTH LOVED CRICKET.THEY BOTH DECIDED THAT
WHO EVER DIES FIRST WILL COME IN THE OTHER'S DREAM & TALK ABOUT CRICKET.BANTA
DIED FIRST.
SO BANTA CAME IN SANTA'S DREAM AND TALKED ABOUT CRICKET.SO SANTA ASKED BANTA
THAT HOW IS CRICKET IN HEAVEN?
BANTA SAID"IN HEAVEN CRICKET IS VERY FAMOUS".
THE NEXT DAY BANTA AGAIN CAME.HE TOLD SANTA THAT HE HAS ONE GOODNEWS & ONE
BAD NEWS.SANTA FIRST ASKED THE GOODNEWS.
BANTA SAID"THE GOODNEWS IS THAT THERE IS A MATCH IN HEAVEN TOMORROW & I'AM THE
OPENING BATSMAN".
THEN SANTA ASKED THE BAD NEWS & BANTA SAID "THE BAD NEWS IS THAT YOU ARE THE
OPENING BOWLER IN THAT MATCH!!!".
Once Santa Singh and some other country scientists came for launching a rocket.They started
the counting 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 go!The rocket was still there.They tried it 3,4 times.
Then Santa said"Wait I'll try"
He climed up the rocket,first tilted to left,then to the right.He climed down,and then asked them
to count.They started 10 9 8......go!The rocket went.
Everybody asked "How did u do it''.
Santa replied"In our country we start our bajaj scooter like that only...
How will a sardar ji climb a tree?

He will stand on a corn and wait for it to grow.
One day Santa told Banta that Hindustan & Bharat are on war.
Banta replied but we live in India
One day a Sardarji was talking to his friend

Sardarji: I have to learn Telugu within 6 months or I will not be able to communicate with my
child.
Friend: Is it! Why?
Sardarji: I have adopted a telugu child and he will start speaking after 6 months.
Once there was a competition held that one who can stay in a room with a pig for 20 days will
be awarded Rs 15 lakhs. So 1st the pilot went to stay with him but after 2 days he came out
saying I can't stay there.
Then an astrologer went he stayed there for 5 days and then came out saying I cant stay there.
Now Santa went in there and stayed there for 5, 6, 7, 8,9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 days.On the 15th
day when the people out of the room were very excited to meet santa, the pig came out saying
I cant stay there.
Q: Why does Santa always smile when the lightening comes?

A: Bcoz he thinks that someone is snapping his photo.
Nikhil:Do you know where most sardars are found.

Ankush:No
Nikhil:In jokes
Santa:Banta,tell me a joke in two words.

Banta: ganja sardar(bald sardar)!!!
Why is Sardar's brain very costly?
A: Because you have to kill many Sardars to locate a brain.
Ram,Shyam and Santa Singh died. When they went up to the clouds,Ram and Shyam were
asked to go to Heaven and Santa to hell. Santa also wanted to go to Heaven and after a lot of
pleading,he somehow managed to ask the Judge to have a test in the subjects English,maths
and History. In the English test Ram was asked to spell "cat",Shyam to spell "rat" and santa was
asked "Thiruvanthapuram". Santa fainted. Next day,in Math test, Ram was asked to the table of
2. Shyam, table of 5 and Santa was asked table of 59. Santa fainted again. In History test, Ram
was asked "How many world war has taken place?
" He answered "2".
Shyam was asked, "How many people died in second world war?"
He answered "about one million".
Santa was asked to name the people who died in second world war. Santa died again.
Banta -Santa lets go to the sun .

Santa -It will be hot.
Banta -So what we will go at night.
Q)How do you keep Santa and Banta Busy?

Ans)Put them in a circular room and tell them to find the corners. By:Ashish
If there is a banana's peel on the road,then what will sardarji think?

Ans:Today again I have to slip on it
If there are 2 banana's peels on the road?
Ans:whether I slip on this or on that one.
Once there was a donkey who always shook his head as if he was saying yes.One day the
village people decided that the person who made him shake his head as if he was saying no
would be rewarded with some cash. Many people tried but failed.
Then it was Santa's turn .He came and said something in the donkey's ear and the donkey
immediately shook his head as if he was saying no.
On asking Santa told the village people that he asked the donkey whether he would like to
become a sardar?
ONCE BANTA SINGH WANTED TO START A BUISNESS OF POTATOES IN ENGLAND. BUT HE

COULDN'T SPEAK ENGLISH.HE ASKED FOR A SOLUTION FROM SANTA SINGH. SANTA SAID
THAT WHENEVER SOMEONE WOULD ASK HIM THAT HOW MUCH THE POTATOES COST, HE
SHOLD SAY, 10 RUPEES "PER KG."
WHEN SOMEONE WOULD ASK WHETHER THEY ARE GOOD,HE SHOULD SAY "MAYBE YES, MAYBE
NOT."
"IT IS OK" FOR THOSE WHO TAKE IT BUT TO THOSE WHO DO NOT TAKE IT, HE SHOULD SAY,"IF
YOU DON'T TAKE, SOMEONE OTHER WILL TAKE."
BANTA WENT TO LONDON AND SOON HIS BUISNESS FLOURISHED. ONE DAY A LADY
APPROACHED HIM AND ASKED HIM THE WAY TO PICCALLIDY CIRCUS.ON THIS BANTA
REPLIED,"10 RS. PER KG."
ON THIS THE LADY REPLIED,"WHAT! ARE YOU GONE NUTS."
BANTA REPLIED,"MAYBE YES, MAYBE NOT."
THE IRRITATED LADY SAID,"I WILL TAKE YOU TO THE ASYLUM."
ON THIS BANTA COOLLY REPLIED,"MADAM, IF YOU DON'T TAKE SOMEONE ELSE WILL TAKE."
Once a man goes to a man selling brains: Man :How much is this brain?
Shopkeeper:One lakh because it is an engineer's
Man: Then what about this one?
Shopkeeper: 10 lakhs because it is a scientist's
Man:Then this one? Shopkeeper:3 crore because it is a sardarjis and it is a fresh one
One night Santa was walking alone in the street when a robber jumped on him and said, ``Give
me all your money`
`Santa started fighting back and the fight lasted for excatly 2 hours!!
Then finaly the robber caught Santa and took a grip on him and searched his pockets and only
found 25 paise!
The robber asked Santa that why did he fight with him for 2 hours only for 25 paise?
And Santa`s reply was``Oh!I thought you were after my 300 rupees in my shoe!!!
Once santa went to a doctor,because his memory was very bad.

Santa:I dont remember anything sir.Not even my name.
Doctor:Since when do u have this problem? Santa:What Problem?
Once a man saw Santa digging a hole and Banta filling it.He got confused and went to ask
them.
Man:Why are you doing so? Santa :We are 3 people Santa,Banta & Tanta.
My work is to dig the hole, Tanta's work is to plant a seed and Banta's work is to fill the
hole.Today Tanta has taken a leave so why should we stop our work.
How do you recognise a sardar student?

He erases his written work as the teacher erases the work on the board due to less space
Once Santa Singh won a ticket to USA.But Santa did not know English.Hence,he went to an
English teacher to learn English. The teacher told him to use only 3 words i.e,'YES','NO' and
'THANK YOU.
When Santa sat in the plane,accidently a lady's purse fell on his seat.The lady came and asked
Santa,"Do you have my purse?"
Santa said,"Yes."
The lady said,"Please give it to me."
Santa said,"No."
The lady gave Santa Singh a tight slap and he said,"Thank You!!!"
ONCE SANTA WENT TO DELHI.WHEN HE CAME BACK,HE SAW BANTA'S LEFT HAND WAS CUT.
SANTA ASKED,"WHAT HAS HAPPENED,TELL ME?"
BANTA SAID,"WHEN I WAS WORKING,MY HAND GOT INTO THE MACHINE."
SANTA SAID,"ITS GOOD THAT YOUR LEFT HAND GOT INTO THE MACHINE,SO YOU CAN DO
WORK.
BANTA SAID,"ACTUALLY MY RIGHT HAND GOT INTO THE MACHINE BUT AT LAST MOMENT I
TOOK OUT IT,AND I PUT MY LEFT HAND INSIDE."
Santa singh was sitting on a tree and singing.Suddenly he turned upside down and again
started singing.Banta saw this.
Banta:Why did you turn upside down singing?
Santa:Because now I am singing the'B' side of the cassette.
Santa went to give his english exam.Then he came back.

Banta:How was your exam?
Santa:It was good except that I did not know the past tense of think.I thought and I thought
and I wrote thunk.
Santa- "My grandfather is so forgetful that he puts his walking stick on the bed and stands in
the corner of his room."
Banta- "That is nothing. my grandfather is so forgetful that he spits pan on his bed and jumps
out of the window!
once santa went at the top of qutub minar.his watch fell down from the top . he went down and
started catching it.many people asked him that what was he doing.he replied that he was
waiting for his watch to come. others told him that someone must have taken it. then he told
that it was 5 minuites late anubhuti
Banta: “My grandfather’s watch fell into a well and when it was found after 30 years, it was still
keeping correct time”
Santa: What is so great about it? Once my grandfather fell into a well, and after thirty years
when he was taken out, he was still alive.”
Banta: “How can it be possible? What was he doing in the well for thirty years?”
Santa: “He was winding your grandfather’s wrist-watch.”
A man saw a sardar, who was loitering in Jalandhar with a form but the man ignored the sardar.
The man again saw the sardar roaming with the same form in Delhi.
The man said to the sardar,'You could have filled this form in Jalandhar itself.'
Sardar replied, 'Can't you see it's written that,fill in capital.'
In his very examination santa in between the paper used to go to the toilet and come back with
wearing only a brief. When banta asked why he was doing this he said that,"It is wirtten in
question paper ANSWER IN BRIEF."
santa singh and his friend walking on the road santas friend saya oh! see the dead bird santa
singh looks at the sky and says where.
Once Santa was returning home in his car at a greet speed.a traffic policeman stoped him and
him the reason of his driving.santa singh told him that his brake had failed so he wanted to go
home fast sothat he does not have an accident
Santa and and his wife, Jeeto, went to a fair. Santa had never been on an airplane, was
fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much aride would cost. "Rupees one
thousand for 3 minutes" the pilot replied. "That`s too much" said Santa. The pilot thought for a
second and then said, "I`ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without
uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you`ll have to pay me
the whole amount." Santa and Jeeto agreed and went for a thrilling ride. After they landed, the
pilot said to Santa, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said Santa, "but I gotta tell you, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his
ticket number.
The Sardar says, "I want my 20 lakhs." The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We
give you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out over the next 19 weeks."
The Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19
weeks. The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not
going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my five rupees back!"
Ghanta told his mom Preeto"When I was in the bus today with Banta Papa,he told me to give up
my seat for a beautiful lady".Mom replied that your father was a kind man.Ghanta replied but I
was sitting in dad's lap.
Santa and Banta went to a Pub.They had got their own Sandwitches,the waiter came said them
"You can't eat your own Sandwitches".
So Santa and Banta exchaged their Sandwitches.
Once Santa went in an electronic shop and asked the price of a T.V. The shopkeeper said that he
doesn't sell things to sardars. Santa became angry and the next day he came dressed like a
Muslim (with his hair normal like us). He did the same next day, but was told the again that
they don't sell things to sardars. He became very angry and the next day he shaved off his head
and came into the shop dressed like a south Indian. But once again he was told the same. He
asked the shopkeeper that how did he recognise him everyday. The shopkeeper replied that
because it was an oven instead of a T.V.
Santa Singh- I am planning to go on the sun.

Banta Singh- Don't you think that it will be hot?
Santa Singh- Doesn't matters, I will go at night.
Once Santa & Banta were going in the helicopter.

Santa:Banta I am feeling cold.
Banta:I'll just stop the helicopter's fan
Once Banta ji said to Santa ji the water is coming above the danger mark.
Santa ji said," Put the danger mark above the water."
What is the similarity between a dinosaur and an intelligent sardar? Ans- Both of them are
extinct.
What is the similarity between a dinosaur and an intelligent sardar? Ans- Both of them are
extinct.
Jugnu Singh: I was born in Punjab.

Kallu Singh: Oh really, which part?
Jugnu Singh: All of me, silly.
Santa was in the hospital since he met with an acident.When Banta came to see him Santa tried
to say something. But he couldn't, so he put it down on paper and gave it to Banta and passed
away.
Next day was his funeral. After Santa was cremated Banta read out Santa's last words. While he
was reading it tears trickled down his cheeks and he read "Banta get off my oxygen mask!!!!"
Two men were fighting over whether the moon is big or the sun.Just then Santa Banta
came.They asked them to tell them whether the sun or the moon is big,so Santa replied "sorry
I'm new in this town"
Jasmit Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around the living room
and she asked him, "What are you searching for?" Santa Singh:Hidden camers
Jasmit Kaur:What makes you think there are hidden camers here?
Santa Singh:The guy on T.V keeps on saying you are watching the star world channel,how does
he now that?
Once Santa bought a set of glasses to drink lassi.

Banta took one of them and said,these are not the right kind of glasses,how can we drink lassi
because it's closed from the upper side and even if I open it from the other end it's not closed
from the lower end.
Scene(A truck was towing away another truck in front of a bus stop where Santa was standing.)
Santa started to laugh like hell.
Mr Chaudry asked, ''Why are you laughing'.'
Santa says,'' Can you believe it? they need 2 trucks to carry a rope''.
BANTA: I had a fight with my wife today. Santa: How did it end?
Banta:She came to me with folded hands and requested me to come out from under that bed.
Coward.
Banta lives on the last storey of a 101-storeyed building with no lift.He invites Santa for lunch
one day.At the decided time Santa climbs 101 storeys by foot.When he comes in front of
Banta's door,he sees a note stuck on the door saying,"I FOOLED U.I HAD NEVER INVITED YOU."
Crazy Santa stuck another note below Banta's saying,"I FOOLED U TOO.I HAD NRVER COME
HERE."
(By Mayura.D.,Mumbai)
One day Santa thought that everybody makes fun of sardar so he decided to take revenge by
making others fool.
So, he went to a rare field with no railway traks and shouts "TRAIN,TRAIN LOOK".
Then he hears a voice "WHERE". Smiling on his success Santa turns back and finds a group of
sardars behind him.
once there was a train and in that train one man was craking jokes on sardarji and every one
enjoyed it but when train stoped on station and a sardarji walked in the train an then the man
stoped craking joke on sardarji every on said to start joking on sardarji but he said no after
some time he started jokes on bangoli then sardarji got up and slaped that man.man said why
did you slaped me sardarji said is every sardaji died that you are craking jokes on bangoli
once Santa and Banta wanted to do a job so they went to a office .There they were told this
that their interview will after 4 days.Santa worked hard whereas Banta did not the day of the
interview arrived Banta began feeling as he had not prepared anything.As Santa's turn came
Banta told him that"Santa please tell me your answers which u say".Santa agreed.the officers
who were taking the interview asked"what was the name of the first prime minister of
India?Santa said"Jawaharlal nehru.then they ask him"when did India get independence?Santa
said"1947".then they asked"tell something about geothermal energy?santa said"scientists are
researching on it.then Santa comes out and all the answers to Banta.Banta goes inside.they ask
him"what is your name?Banta says"Jawaharlal nehru"then they ask"when were you born?"Banta
says "in1947"they ask"are you mad?"Banta says"scientists are still researching on it" ha ha
ha...
once one sardarji was fighting with another. suddenly he stops doing fighting. because he
said"dishoom dishoom karna to pepsodent ka kam hai"
SANTA:- TODAY INDIA WILL WIN THE MATCH BANTA-NO TODAY ENGLAND WILL WIN
SANTA:-OKAY IF UR SO CONFIDENT LETS HAVE A BET OF RS 500
BANTA :- OKAY SANTA:- IF INDIA WILL WIN THE MATCH BANTA WILL GIVE 500 BUGS TO ME
AND IF ENGLAND WINS THE MATCH I WILL GIVE U 500
BANTA:- OK HENCE INDIA WON THE MATCH BANTA GIVES 1000 TO SANTA SANTA OUESTION
AND SAY THAT THE BET WAS OF 500 THEN WHY HAVE U GIVEN ME 1000
BANTA:-I SAW THE MATCH IN THAT INDIA WON,I ALSO SAW THE HIGHLIGHTS IN THAT ALSO
INDIA WON
During elections,Santa went to deliver a lecture on a dias.Some body screamed from below
Santa was wearing one black & one white sock.Santa relied cooly "This sock company is really
bad.I have one more similar pair of socks at home".
One day scientist invent a machine which can give the answer of every question.So scientist of
a world invite all of the scientist all over the world.Every one ask the question one by one
machine gives the answer.So now it was the turn of banta singh first he rotate around the
machine and ask a question in his ear and machine got burst.Every one of them got a shock
what was a question he has asked.He said i have just asked can you tell me where is the brain
of sardars.
Once, Banta Singh went for an interview. Questioner:Give me the opposites. Banta Singh:OK
Questioner:Made in India Banta Singh:Destroyed in Pakistan Questioner:Good, you are
selected. Banta Singh:Bad, I am not selected. Questioner:Don't speak too much or I will cut
your points Banta Singh:Speak less or you will cut my points Questioner:You are dismissed
Banta Singh:I am selected!! Questioner:!!!!
once santa singh goes to a hotel and eats till his stomach was full.then he goes to the basin and
takes outhis handkerchief and starts washing the basin the waiter asks "what are you doing,
sire? santa singh amswers that as it is written here 'wash basin'iam doing it.
One day santa sitting on a tree and a song afterfew minutes from the other banta singh came
ask to santa that what u r doing he told that he is singing a song afterwards santa put his head
down & puts his legs up then banta singh ask him what u r doing he told him that 1st i have
completed the A SIDE now i m singing from b side
Sant and Banta Got really fed of the parliament so they decided to blow it up. So, when they
where going by the car Santa said "Banta! what happens if the bomb blows up in the car?"
Banta:"Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the backseat."
Once Santa and Banta try to land an airplane in the States. They start descending and as they
touch the ground Santa screams, the runway is ending...". Banta swiftly gets the plane back up
in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the
ground, Santa screams again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...". This goes on again
and again... During their fourth descent Santa says : "Look at those stupid Americans, they
build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway..", "I know" answers Banta,
"But look how wide they made it...."
one day all the sardars were having a meeting on [why all the people make sardar fool][12pm]
all sardars asked one of the sardar to give the answer the sardar get worried then he goes to
vendor to eat chole bhature vendor: why you are so worried asked vendor to sardar sardar told
him and asked the answer for the reason for meeting vendor:very simple first give this answer
[my father has two sons one is in usa then where is second one] sardar get very confused and
asked for the answer vendor:its me sardar:happy and goes to meeting place and asked the
same question. All the sardars get confused and asked the answer . sardar:it is the chole
bhature wala.
four sardarjis were pushing a car,but it was not even moving.why????because two were pushing
from the back and two were pushing from the front
Once Santa went to the resturant. Santa to waiter:I want ONE MASALA DOSA,SAMOSA &
SANDWITCH.
Santa ate all the inside part.
Waiter to Santa:I am looking from half an hour that u r eating all the inside part why not
outside part.
Santa:Because doctor told me not to eat outside things. BY ANCHAL ARYA
One day furious Santa enters a shop and asks that 'Where is my free gift with this can of oil?
The shopkeeper says that there is no free gift with this can of oil.
But it is written that free cholestrol with the can!!!!
once upon time.Santa singh was going in a plane.banta singh told him whichever seat you see
first sit on sit on that.whichever seat he saw first he sat on that.then one man came and told
him this is my seat.santa singh said no then they both started arguing with them then all the
people came but santa singh didn't get up.then one man came and told him i can pick him up
from this seat.then all the people said how?he told something in santa singh's ear and he
suddenly got up from the seat.all the people said what did you said in his ear.he said that i only
told him this seat goes to U.S.A and the other seat goes to Canada
SANTA & BANTA PLAYING CHESS.TWO MORE SARDARJIS COMING AND SAYING "LETS PLAY
DOUBLES"
Once there was rocket being lanched at London.When they put the rocket on the launch pad
,some part had moved out of its place.when they started the engines,they did not start. the
scientists were called again but they could not do any thing.Then a Sardarji arrived ,he asked
for a chance.Every one lauged at him.With the degree controlers he put them 20 degre left and
the same way right and it launched. People were astonished and asked him the tecnic.he said
he did it the same way to his bajajinINDIA.Ha.Ha.....Ha
Once santa brought a brand new car and drove from delhi to punjab in 1 hour but when he went
back to delhi again but in 5 hours, banta asked him that it took him so less time to get to
punjab so why it took much time to reach delhi? Santa replied that because the car factory
gives 4 gears to go forward but for reverse it gives only 1 gear.
once santa and banta went to do a robbery .when santa was stealing a glass it fell from his
hand.The owner in deep sleep asks who is there.
Santa replies "meow meow". Banta too goes to steal and something falls from his hands also.
The owner asks "who is it"
Banta replies "Doosri billi".
SANTA-I THINK I'D TRAVEL TO THE SUN.

BANTA-RIDICULOUS-YOUR SPACRSHIP WOULD BURN UP LONG BEFORE YOU EVEN GET THERE
SANTA-I KNOW THAT WELL.THEREFORE I WILL TRAVEL AT NIGHT
Santa to Banta : Hey santa ,look at that dead bird.

Banta .. looking up in the sky..... where where .....
What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies ?

He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!
By:Tanya
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?

Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
By:Nikita
SANTA:BANTA,IF A DONKEY GETS HOT GAJAR KA HALWA WHAT WILL HE THINK?
BANTA:SIMPLE,HE WILL THINK IF ONLY HE COULD GET GRASS INSTEAD OF HALWA
Q.Why does Santa smile when it thunders?

Ans.Because he thinks someone is taking his snap.
Elephant Jokes
Hemant : How does an elephant go up a tree?
Sunil: It stands on a corn and waits for it to grow.
A Teachar asked the students of a class that, what is the meaning of dev & devi?
A Student Replied: Kapil Dev & Sri Devi
Once an ant and elephant were going on a new scooter.They met with an accidant.The elephant
was died but ant was alive. Why?
Because ant was wearing a helmate.
How does an elephant go on holiday?

He takes a jumbo jet!
Why did the elephant paint his nails red?

So that he could hide in the cherry tree!
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree?
No? That's because he hides himself so well!
Q:Which gate can we eat?

A:Colgate. BY VARUN
Once there was an elephant walking on the edge of a valley,full of water.The elephant fell into
the water.So,what is the first thing he will do?
Ans- Get wet!!
Hemant : How does an elephant go up a tree?

Sunil: It stands on a corn and waits for it to grow.
Once an ant was on her way to a restaurant on a scooter,on the way she meets a elephant who
asks her to give him a lift,she tells him to sit at the back.
----------while they were travelling, they meet another elephant asking for a lift, but the ant
refuses,why???
Ans:Traffic rules say,three persons not allowed on 1 scooter.
Once some hunters were after an elephant . The elephant didn't know what to do. He met his
friend ,ant on the road.he told ant his problem.
She said : "Don't worry . just hide behind me !!! "
two elephants one elephant was a male and another a female the female entered the bus and
the male did not enter it why?
because it was a ladies bus
An elephant and ant were friends. They decided to go to swimming. They went to a swimming
pool but when the ant swims the elephant sits and when elephant swims the ant sits. why?
Ans: Because they have only one swimming costume
Once the ant is swimming and the elephant rushes to the swim pool and requests the ant to
come out. As soon as the ant comes out, the elephant asks her to go back. Why? Because he
wanted to check if the ant was wearing his swim suit!!!
Q: Why Did the Elephant Hide behind the Strawberry bush? A: The elephant and the ant were
playing hide and seek.
Boy- Sir, My nose is running. Teacher- Well, chase it!

once the ant and the elephant were playing hide n seek game It was elephant's turn to catch
the ant but the ant was caught .she was hiding in the temple Then the ant asked how he came
to know that she was hiding in the temple ,then he replied that he saw her sandals lying outside
Dog:Where are you going?

Ant:My rakhi brother the elephant has met with an accident.Since we have the same blood
group,I am going to donate some blood for him.
How can an elephant sit in the car in three steps?

Simple,open the door ,sits in the car and close the door.
once an elephant and an loved each other and were getting married without tell their
mothers.they were getting married in a temple and they say the elephant mother walking in ,so
the ant says-hide behind me
once 2 men went for an interview. the first was intelligent and he otter was foolish.
the 1st man was called to the managers office. the manager asked him
"who was the 1st prime minister of India ?" he said " Javharlal Nehru "
the 2nd question was when did India get freedoom?" he said 1947 .
the 3rd question was "is there life on Mars ?" he said scientists are still researching".
the was happy with his answers.
the foolish man had been hearing all this. it was his chance.
the manager asked him "what is your name?"
the foolish man said Javaharlal Nehru.
the 2nd quetion was" when were you born?" he said 1947 ".
the 3rd question was "are you male or a female he said " scientists are still researching"
An elephant married a mousquito.At night mosquito ran away. Why?

Because elephant had turned on the good night mat.
One day an elephant was crying and an ant came to him and said, "Why are you crying?"
He replied that a friend of ant's has stolen his sleepers.
Teacher:HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT AN ELEPHANT IS GOING ON HOLIDAYS.

Student:IT PACKS ITS TRUNK.
What kind of elephants live in Antartica ?

Cold ones!
Ram: “Can this parrot talk?”

Shopkeeper: “Yes ! it repeats everything it hears.”
(after a few days, at the pet shop)
Ram: “This parrot cannot speak at all!! You said it repeats whatever it hears.”
Shopkeeper: “I know! This is because it is deaf!!!”
Animals
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INDIAN AND AFRICAN ELEPHANTS?

ANS ABOUT 3000 MILES
The teacher gave a lot of homework to the class. so one boy asked,"teacher, its too much! can
we take a day off?".
The teacher replied,"no! i don't know anything. you must do the homework."
finally, the student answered,"teacher, if you don't know anything, why do you teach us?".
Once a man was going in his car and suddenly he crashed with a very fat lady who was a weight
lifting champion.
The lady got very angry and asked the man to come out of the car. She made a circle around
the man and asked him not to step out of the circle.
She began to break the car now. When she was breaking the car she looked back and saw that
the man was laughing. The same thing happened thrice. Then she very angrily asked the man
that why was he still laughing.
The man answered that "when she was breaking the car he had slowly stepped out of the
circle."
que)what happens when an elephant fallin the in a pool ans)he will get wet
que)wht do an ant tell elephant and elephant goes in coma ans)i am pregrent with your baby
Q: What did the banana say when the elephant stepped on it? A:Nothing because bananas can't
speak,that's so obvious!!!
what will happen if an elephant jump in a swimming pool? it will get wet
why did the ant hidebehind the tree? to trip the elephant.
Q:how do you know that there is an elephant in the fridge ?

A:By the footprints on the butter
once an elephant got hurt. ant was also going with him in the ambulance. why? to donate
blood
Ant:What is your age?

Elephant:My age is 5 years.
Ant:Such a young age and such a huge body.
Elephant:Tan Kee Shakti, Man Ki Shakti, Bournvita!!
Ant:Ok
Elephant:What is your age?
Ant:My age is 18 Years.
Elephant:18 years and such a small body looks as if you are very young.
Ant:Fair and Lovely lagao aur apni umar chhupao!!
Once an elephant was in love with an ant.He went to his father with the ant on his palm.He
asked his father whether he could marry the ant or not.The father refused by saying that the
ant was not of their caste.
On this the baby elephant got very angry and stamped his own hand on the ant present on his
palm and said,"I want to marry this ant and only this ant." thereby he killed the ant
Animal Jokes
A man visited a headmaster who was playing chess with his dog.
"Your dog must be very intelligent," said the man.
"Not really," said the headmaster. "I've won three games out of four."
Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother?

For smoking in bed.
Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.
Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can’t even ride a bicycle
Baby snake to its mother: Are we poisonous?

Mother: Why?
Baby: Because I've just bitten my tongue!
A frog went to an astrologer and was told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who
will want to know everything about you.”
The frog said, “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No”, said the astrologer, “Next term—in her biology class.”
First cow: Moo

Second cow: Baa
First cow: What do you mean, baa?
Second cow: I’m learning a foreign Language.
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat.

Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away.
"What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse.
"Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there,
they realized they had forgotten the soda.
The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until
he got back.
A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said, "Oh, come on, and let’s
eat the sandwiches."
Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
What should you do if you find yourself in the same room as Frankenstein, Dracula, a werewolf,
a vampire and a coven of witches?
Keep your fingers crossed that it's a fancy dress party.
A snail got mugged by two tortoises. When he went to the police, they questioned him as to
what happened.
He said, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, ''Hey, we have a drink named after
you!''
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, ''You have a drink named Steve?''
Witch: "I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someone's ear off!"
Doctor: "Oh dear, that's a lot of calories"
An elephant was walking in a park. With each step he took, he squished many little ants.
Upset, the ants began to crawl up on the elephant -- first his legs and then up all over his body.
When the elephant started feeling all the little ants on him, he shook hard, making all the little
ants, except for one, fall to the ground.
As the only ant on the elephant hung on close to the elephant's neck, the ones on the ground
began to yell, "Strangle him!!! Strangle him!!!"
Teacher:Name an animal found in the desert?

Rahul:Camel.
Teacher: Good,name another animal found in the desert?
Rahul:Another camel
customer:- How long do you expect me to wait for half chicken ?Waiter:- Until someone else
order for the other half. We can't go & kill half a hen!
Why do gorrillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers
A farmer concerned about well-meaning holiday makers feeding his horse. The farmer put a
notice that said: Please do not feed cakes and buns to the horse
signed: The farmer.
Shortly afterwards the horse had put a notice that said: Please do not pay attention to the
above notice.
signed: The horse
A boy went into a pet_shop and said to the man behind the counter, "Have you got any parrot-
seed?"
"Oh.you've got a parrot, have you?" said the man.
"No," said the boy. "But I'd like to grow one!"
Once it was ant's birthday and she was looking beautiful in a lehenga-Chhunni.When the
elephant came he took the ant in his hand and clapped and started singing 'Happy birthday to
you.....'.But alas the ant died.
Ajay: My dog is very intelligent.

Timmy: How do you know?
Ajay: When I asked him what is 2 - 2 he kept quiet.
Contributed by Ricky
john:name 6 animals which live in the north pole. maria:3 polarbears and 3 seals.
What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.
Gagan: "A dog bit me on the leg this morning."

Mohit: "Did you put anything on it?"
Gagan: "No, he liked it plain."
Customer: "When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice. He doesn't go near
them!"
Shopkeeper: "Well, isn't that good for mice?"
How can you tell if two octopus' are lovers ?

They walk arm in arm in arm in arm!
Two men were out hunting when one of them saw a rabbit. "Quick," said the first, "shoot it."
"I can't," said the second. "My gun isn't loaded."
"Well," said the first," you know that, and I know that, but the rabbit doesn't."
A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the Pharmacist, "Give me a chap stick."
The Pharmacist asks the duck, "Will that be cash or charge?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."
A little monster was learning to play the violin. "I'm good, aren't I?" he asked his big brother.
"You should be on the radio," said the brother.
"You think I'm that good?"
"No, I think you're terrible, but at least if you were on the radio, I could switch you off."
Baby snake to its mother: "Are we poisonous?"

Mother: "Why?" Baby: "Because I've just bitten my tongue!"
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."
The duck says,"Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
Again the clerk says "No" and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and
we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again,I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck
leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No." "Got any duck feed?"
What bird can lift the most?

A crane.
What is the vampire's favourite slogan?

Please Give Blood Generously
once the couple visited the zoo. They noticed that all the animals are laughing except donkey
was not laughing.
Couple asked watchman :- why all animals are laughing but donkey is not laughing.
Watchman said to couple :- One of the animals had told a joke so every animal understood the
joke except donkey didn't understood the joke. after 1 week the couple again visited the same
zoo. They noticed that all animals were quiet but donkey was laughing.
They asked again to watchman. Couple :- why all animals are quiet but donkey is laughing.
Watchman to couple :- because 1 week ago there was a joke on which all animals were
laughing and donkey didn't understood that joke, today the same joke donkey has understood
and he is laughing now.
Once there was a scientist who was experimenting that whether a frog can jump or not after
cutting his legs. These are his observations 1. after cutting one leg the frog can jump. 2. after
the the scecond leg the frog jumps with difficulty. 3. after cutting the third leg the frog jumps
with greater difficulty 4. after cutting the fourth leg the frog turns deaf.
A few pigs in Old McDonalds Farm were having a meeting on "How to treats them". After some
time the farmer came and asked them,"Have you made your decision yet?"
The chief pig came and said, "Yes,we all think you take us for grunted."
Once a lady helps a frog from being eaten by a snake.The frog tells her to ask him any three
wishes,but her husband would get 10% more than what she wishes.The lady says her first wish
"I want to be the most beautiful lady in the whole world."The frog says "But your husband will
be 10% more handsome than you."The lady says "Never mind I will be the most beautiful lady
so he will come to me only."The lady says her second wish "I want to be the richest woman in
the world."The frog says"But your husband will be 10% more richer than you."The lady says
"Never mind,my husband is mine only,not enyone else's.The lady says her third wish"Give me a
small heartattack.
Once a upon a time there were 3 ants. One was black,one was white and the other one was red.
the black ant and the white ant asked the red ant why are u so red. So he said b'coz I suck
humans blood. then the red ant and the white ant asked the black ant why are you so black.So
he said b'coz i work in the sun. the red ant and the black ant asked the white ant why are you
so white.then she replied b'coz I put fair and lovely...ha!!ha!!
Once Elephant and Ant were walking together. Elephant fell on Ant. Why didn't Ant die?
How do you start a teddy bear race?

Say "ready teddy go!"
What did the kangaroo say when she discovered her little roo was missing?
My pocket's been picked!
Lawyer Jokes
Q:Which gate can we eat?
A:Colgate.
The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we
order burial, embalming or cremation?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."
Lawyer: Four witnesses have seen you steal the cow, but you still do not admit.
Thief: Sir, I can even produce a hundred witnesses who have not seen me stealing the cow.
Lawyer:Why did you steal this man's watch

Thief:I did not steal it.He gave it to me.
Lawyer:When?
Thief:When I showed him my gun.
Judge:You beat your wife last night? you agree?

Husband:yes
Judge:You are fined Rs.100.10p.
Husband:I can understand 100Rs but what are 10paise for.
Judge:oh!that's entertainment tax.
judge-what you do?

prisnor-This & that
judge-where you live?
prisnor-here&there
judge(to policeman)-Arrest him.
prisnor-when i will come out
judge-sooner&later
Once upon a time a husband beat his wife and was sentenced to court.After hearing all the
dispute the judge gave him a penalty for Rs.109.50.The husband asked I understand about
Rs.109, but what about 50 paise.
' Its entertainment tax', the judge answered.
Once a lawyer asked the witness,"Did you see the murderer?"

The witness replied,"No.I only saw his head through the window."
The lawyer asked where was it?
The witness said,"On his shoulders!"
Lawyer:Why did you enter the gate of a house? Thief:Sir,on the gate it was written "You're
WELCOME".
RAM: DEFINE A LAWYER. SHYAM: LAWYER IS A PERSON WHO RESCUES THE LAND FOR YOU
AND KEEPS IT HIMSELF.
How many lawyer jokes are there?

Only three. The rest are true stories.
A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had
anything to say in his defence.
"They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING
HERE."
A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid with crisp, new $100 bills.
After the client left, the lawyer found that two bills had stuck together and he'd been overpaid
by $100.
"This extra money creates a real ethical dilemma," the lawyer said to himself. "Should I tell my
partner?"
Judge:You have to pay Rs.50 for breaking a window

Thief:(searches his wallet)Take this 100 Rs. note.I don't have change.(gives the note)
Judge:(searches his wallet)Nor do I have.You can break another window
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell
asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes
later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because
instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The
drugs are wearing off!”
Lawyer: Why did you hit your husband with a chair? Wife: Because the table was too heavy too
lift.
once in court the people were talking to much and the judge said'"order order" and the lawyer
said " tere kacche mein powder"
Other Jokes
Son- Father what is the spelling of inspector?
Father- Why are you asking?
Son- Today my teacher asked me to write down my father's occupation but i did'nt know
the spelling of inspector.
Father- So what did you write?
Son- I wrote WASHERMAN instead.
Wife-Our servant has stolen t he silver spoon.

Husband-which one?
Wife-the one which we stole frome a hotel at kashmir.
Teacher: "Why is honesty the best policy?"

Student: "Because there is hardly any competition".
Wife to husband: "Could you not have hired a better servant?"

Husband: "Why? what happened?"
Wife: "He stole the spoon you stole from the hotel."
Contributed by Sajal
A man was struggling to get a table out of his house. His neighbour saw this and asked
him, "Why are you taking that table out of your house."
The man replies "I have to take it to the shop to buy a tablecloth of its size"
A tourist climbed out of his car in Connaught Place, New Delhi.

He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of
minutes. Would you watch my car while I visit this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the Indian Parliament?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the
waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
What kind of ant is good at adding up?

An accountant
A man bought tickets from the ticket win down of a theatre. A few minutes later he
returned and bought two more. When, after a short interval, he came back to buy two
more tickets, the ticket-seller opened the little door in the glass and spoke up.
“Aren’t you the same gentleman who just bought two tickets and two others just a little
while ago?”
He asked, puzzled. “Yes”, replied the man plaintively, ‘But there’s some fool at the gate
who keeps tearing them up!’
Once,Saddam Hussain went to God & asked him "God , when will I see Iraq defeat USA?"
God said, "I am sorry my son but, U will never see it in your life time."
Then Musharraf went and asked God "Lord when will I see capture of Kashmir by
Pakistan ?"
God replied ,"I am sorry my son but, U will never see that in your life time "
He too walks away sadly.
Then Laloo Prasad Yadav went to lord and asked God , "God , when will I see Bihar a rich
, prosperous and developed state ?"
God heard this and started crying. Laloo seeing this was astounded and asked God "Why
are U crying?"
God replied,"I am sorry my son but, I will never see that in my life time
What did a telephone say to another telephone?

"Let's get engaged"
Our brain has two parts: left and the right

The left one has nothing right in it and the right one has nothing left in it
A government servant went to a doctor.

“Doctor, I am suffering from exhaustion. Please advise me," he said.
After a careful examination the doctor suggested, “You need complete rest. Return to
your office as soon as possible”.
An error in computer: Keyboard not attached;press F1 to continue.
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.

He smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last
cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs
and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift
his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly
whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth
of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.I invested that nickel in an apple. I
spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for
ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire
day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a
month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father
died and left us two million dollars."
Boss to his secretary: “I thought that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you
had to see your dentist?”
Secretary: “That’s right, sir”
Boss: “So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a young man?”
Secretary: “That was my dentist”
Sita: "How old is your sister?"

Geeta: "Twenty five"
Sita: "But she says that she is twenty"
Geeta: "She is right in her own way, you see she learnt counting only at the age of five".
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

It's time to go to sweep.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.
Hari: "Where do birds meet for coffee ?"

Pradeep: "In a nest-cafe!"
Customer: “Waiter, I’d like to cancel my order for fresh fruit salad.”
Waiter: “I am sorry, sir, but the cook has already opened the tin.”
An American who finds himself in Moscow wants to know the time. He sees a man
approaching him carrying two heavy suitcases and asks the fellow if he knows the
correct time.
"Certainly," says the Russian, setting down the two bags and looking at his wrist. "It is
11:43 and 17 seconds. The date is Feb. 13, the moon is nearing its full phase and the
atmospheric pressure stands at 992 hectopascals and is rising."
The visitor is dumbfounded but manages to ask if the watch that provides all this
information is Japanese. No, he is told, it is "our own, a product of Soviet Technology."
"Well, that is wonderful, you are to be congratulated."
"Yes," the Russian answers, straining to pick up the suitcases, "but these batteries are
still a little heavy."
The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the
church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church.
After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the
Deacons of the church. "Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out
to shake Joanthan's hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the
preacher asked. "Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!" "I
don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered. "I want you to have
it," said Jonathan.
After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we
ever had and I want to help you."
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man,"Give me 100 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby
chickens." The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"
"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a
Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three
engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to
trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that the fuel is becoming
emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a
suggestion: If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows
again, maybe it'll work!"
There were two people were robbing an apartment.

The first one said, “I hear the owner coming! Quick, jump out the window!”
The second one said, “Are you crazy? We’re on the thirteenth floor!”
The first one said, “This is not the time to be superstitious!”
Angry Judge in Court: Order, Order

Defendant: If you insist, I’ll have a chicken burger.
Moron Jokes
Once two morons got fed up with the Indian Government and decided to blow up
the parliament. They took 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their
car and set off. On the way one moron asks the other, "What will happen if the
bombs blast off now."
The other says, "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat"
Two morons walked towards each other on a country road. One carried a bag over
his shoulder.
"What's in the bag?", said one moron
"Chickens", was the reply.
"If I guess their number correctly, how many can I have?"
"You can have both of them."
"OK," said the first moron, "Five."
Binny: "What happened to John, his nose was all swollen this morning?"
Pratik: "He tried to smell a brose."
Binny: "You mean a rose? There is no 'b' in a rose."
Binny: "There was a 'b' (bee) in this one."
-Contributed by HPS Jaya
moron1:Why can't we see the Sun at night?

moron2: Because it is too dark.
One evening, Ramesh and Mohan met in a garden. Suddenly Ramesh saw
something that astonished him
Ramesh: That’s a strange pair of socks you are wearing- one green and one blue!
Mohan: That’s funny. I’ve got another pair just like this at home.
Rohan and Mohan got up on a double-decker bus. After a short while, frightened
Rohan came down from the upper deck.
Conductor: Why did you come down?
Rohan: There is no driver in that bus.
There were 2 morons and each had a horse. They decided to put the horses in a
shed for one month while they went on vacation.
One guy asked the other guy "How they were going to tell which one belonged to
whom?"
After many long hours of thinking they finally came up with a solution.
They would shave the mane of one. That one belonged to the 1st farmer. So, they
put the horses in the shed and left. When they came back the mane had grown
back. They asked each other which belonged to whom.
Then the 1st farmer said, "OK I will take the black one you take the white one."
Did you hear about the idiot who made his chickens drink boiling water?
He thought they would lay hard boiled eggs.
Q:Which coat can you can put on wet?

A:A coat of paint
POOJA:WHAT NATIONALITY ARE YOU?

GLORY:MY FATHER IS FROM ICELAND AND MY MOTHER IS FROM CUBA.
POOJA:SO YOU ARE AN ICECUBE?
Once a moron was going on a walk when he saw an ant. He hated ants and was
about to stamp it.
Seeing this, the ant begged him not to stamp it today as it was it's birthday. Hearing
this the moron picked the ant and said,"ok, let's celebrate your birthday.
I'll sing and you dance. The moron then started clapping and singing, "Happy
Birthday to you!..." and killed the ant while doing so
Once a moron got down at Agra.He thought that it was Delhi and searched for
taxies which would take him to the Red Fort. Every taxi driver told him he didn't
know the road to the Red Fort. After nearly twelve hours, he met another moron.
the first moron asked:"Do you know the road to the Red Fort?"
The second moron asked him:"When did you arrive here?"
The first moron answered:"This morning.Why?"
The Second moron said:"That's a relief!What stupid city this is!I've been here a
whole month searching for the Qutubminar!"
A moron asks another: if your dog lost his tail where would you get another one
from?
Other moron: from a re-tail shop.
A moron goes to an eye specialist and asks him for a pair of glasses. He chooses a
frame and then asks the specialist, "Will I be able to read after I wear these
glasses?"
"Sure!" says the specialist.
"Good!" replies the man. "I have been illiterate all these years!"
A moron calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly from Delhi to London?"
"Just a second," says the operator.
"Thank you." says the moron and hangs up.
Once two morons met at the Taj Mahal in Agra.

The first moron said, “I am thinking of buying Taj Mahal.”
The second said “Stop thinking.”
”Why?” asked the first.
The second replied, “Because I am not selling it!”
Contributed by Anuj
A moron ordered a pizza at a restaurant. The waiter asked if he should cut it in six
or twelve pieces.
"Six please," said the moron "I could never eat twelve pieces."
Once a moron was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the
columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then he came to the column SALARY
EXPECTED.
He was not sure as to what was to be filled there. After much thought he wrote -
Yes.
A moron proposes a woman. She says she would agree if he could bring her a pair
of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears.
After almost a month, a search party is sent to find him. The party finds him
hunting crocodiles and watches him kill a huge one.
He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and again
barefeet!"
Q.What is common between a dinosaur and an intelligent sardar?

Ans.both do not exist.
Q:WHAT DO YOU CALL A SLEEPING BULL?

ANS:BULLDOZER
A hunter shot a bird and it fell the ground and died.
A moron standing next to the hunter said, “You have wasted your bullet”
Hunter: “Then how would have I killed the bird”
Moron: “After falling from such a great height it would have died itself”
How to keep a Moron busy? Ask him to sit in the corner of a round room.Or better
still write PTO on both sides of a paper and hand it over to him!!
A Lady was telling another lady about her husband,"He works eight hours and
sleeps eight hours but he got fired from hisjob because they are the same eight
hours".
once a young sardarji went out to get a college form.he took the form and ran to
delhi.he did this because it was written on the form- PLEASE WRITE IN CAPITAL

Jokes Teachers Students

Uploaded by

Document Information

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

Jokes Teachers Students

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

Student - Teacher Jokes

Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"

Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is my age?

Teacher:Paul, what is the chemical formula of Water?

Student:(to teacher)Ma'am my pen has run out of ink.

Teacher: Where does God live?

Teacher: "Anoop, stop showing off.

Teacher: "Then stop acting like a fool!"

Student:To keep the elephants away.

Student: See, how effective it is!!!

Teacher: How do you spell “CAT”

Teacher: A TEACHER ASKS A STUDENT" NAME 5 MILK PRODUCTS?

Teacher: Teacher(asks student)-wats ur father names ?

Teacher:Who was Raja Ram Mohan Roy ?

Teacher:how were the exams?

Teacher:Ritu spell "Blind Bird"

Rahul:Madam my paper is the neatest.

Teacher:What is the capital of china

Teacher:STUDENTS DRAW A PICTURE OF BACTERIA.

Student: Can you tell me mam, why would a room go to a doctor?

Sir:How can you tell a hawk has good eye sight?

Teacher:What happened in 1869?

Teacher:Ramya and Shilpa!,why are you late for school,today?

Teacher:anu,can you name five things made up of milk?

Teacher:Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.

Which is the pan in which we cannot fry something?......

Teacher:Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.

Teacher:How can you prove it that birds have a sharp eyesight?

teacher-:what happened in 1889.

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.

Man: "Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is giving me a headache!"

"Doctor I keep stealing things. What can I do?"

PATIENT:-DOCTOR I AM FEELING SEVER ITCHING,GIVE ME A MEDICINE PLEASE.

Patient:Why does everyone ignore me?

Patient:"I want to live doctor when should I take the medicine".

A boy to the doctor,"Doctor, Doctor I have lost my memory."

Patient:Doctor!Doctor!One of my eyes is different from the other!

Docter: what is your problem?

Man:Doctor,whenever I drink my coffee,I get a sharp pain in my eye.What should I do?

Patient: Doctor, i see double

patient:doctor,i've lost my memory. doctor:when did this happen?

PATIENT:Doctor,Doctor everyone keeps ignoring me.

Doctor:tell me how many fingers are these?

Nurse: "Wake up man"

Doctor, doctor, can you give me something for my baldness?

Nurse: "Wake up man"

Doctor, doctor, can you give me something for my baldness?

Nurse: "Wake up man"

Doctor, doctor, can you give me something for my baldness?

Nurse: "Wake up man"

Doctor, doctor, can you give me something for my baldness?

Once a patient went to a doctor with a burnt ear.

John:"When my fingers heal,will I be able to play the piano"?

How do you define a hospital?

GIRL;Sir,could you please take my brother home because he is lost.

Policeman:Stop, stop ,your headlights are not working

Q)Why is our Delhe Police considered most efficient?

Police:[to robber]Are you not ashamed?You come to jail so often?

Man : Officer! There is bomb in my garden !

Teacher:What's the meaning of a school?

Raj:What is your baby brother name

Girl: "What did you get that little medal for?"

Son: "Dad, are you getting taller?"

Raju: "What sort of a car has your dad got?"