Waldor 1 Casey Waldor Ms.

Rand ENGL 1102 13 February 2014 RJC Hackettstown New Jersey is a small, quaint town. Everybody knows everybody. The true heart and soul of the town was thanks to Ryan Cameron who was a senior at Hackettstown High School. We considered him the mini mayor of the town. He could personally say he knew not only our entire community, but the ones that surrounded it as well. The main reason he knew such a large amount of people was because he was The Voice of Shoprite. If he knew you he would follow you around with the hot bread stand trying to sell it to you making it seem like he was selling you a luxury car. Or, he would advertise anything humanly possible on the loud speaker making the product seem like something totally different than what it really was. He would say, Come to the fresh food aisle to get your succulent golden pineapple picked freshly just for you. If you gave him something to sell, he sold it. The only drawback was that some customers, and people in general, took his exciting personality as a nuisance. One time, I heard a women in the store say, That boy has the most obnoxious voice Ive ever heard, I have no idea how he still has a job. He didnt care what others thought. Not only was Ryan so outgoing at his job, but he was in school as well. He would just butt into random classes acting like he was buddies with the teacher just so he could talk to a group of people. Not going to lie, he could be extremely annoying at times. People teased Ryan,

Waldor 2 mostly in joking manner. Everyone was guilty of it, but we all loved him and thought he knew that. He never seemed affected by the jokes that anyone said to him. He would play it off and just put a smile on his face. Even though his loud voice was bothersome and his jokes werent always funny, everyone would have a smile on their face when he left the room. It didnt matter how many times he saw you in one day, he would always say, Hi Casey, how are you doing? I would rudely reply, Ryan leave me alone. He could tell when people were having a bad day and only just wanted to help. At times, it was helpful, but other times it just worsened your mood even more. Meeting Ryan was a life changing experience itself. I met him in sixth grade on a church retreat. I was not a part of the church, but my neighbor organized the retreats and always encouraged me to join. Originally, I had no interest in going. But now, I am so glad that I did. The first day I met Ryan, we dressed him in my friends cheerleading uniform and he flaunted it. It was absolutely hysterical. He didnt care that he didnt know me or a few other girls I was with. He was completely himself and it was a comedy show. While he was in the uniform, he ran off and no one knew where he went. My friend was freaking out thinking he was going to damage her uniform or get it dirty. Still wondering where he ventured off to, a group of us were in the common area of the cabins we were staying in. All of the sudden a door busted open and out comes Ryan singing, Stop, dont touch me there, this is my personal square. R-A-P-E keep those hands away from me! Immediately, the entire group started hysterically laughing. His response was Guys, like my cheer?

Waldor 3 We jokingly asked him to join the team and for some reason he actually considered it. It took us forever to get that uniform off him but we did. Ryan was, from a very young age, the definition of living life to the fullest. Ryan influenced others to start living their lives to the fullest potential. Because of this, my friends and I would talk about all of the times that we shared with Ryan. My sophomore year, I had two classes with him which on certain scheduled days fell back to back with one another. There wasnt a day in the rotating schedule that I didnt have a class with him. My friend Emily was in these classes with me, which we thought was extremely unfortunate at the time. The first class was Spanish 2. I thought I was terrible at Spanish until I had Ryan in my class. My teachers name was Mrs. Takacs and she absolutely loved him. The problem was, he would always get her distracted and then we never learned anything. Then wed all fail her quizzes and blame him. We would have to present dialogues in front of the class periodically. Ryan would get up and say something with the strangest possible accent and completely butcher what he was actually trying to say. Mrs. Takacs would say, Ryan, do you know what you actually just said? Because if you did I dont think you would be saying it so confidently. The whole class would laugh but he wouldnt even get embarrassed. The second class Emily and I had with him was film studies. I dont think I ever hated a class as much as that one. Luckily, he made it a bit more exciting. Our teacher would have competitions of who could imitate characters from the movie the best and Ryan would always win. He would make unnecessary jokes throughout the movies to bring some humor into them. It took us longer to finish a lot of the movies because he always had to ask a million questions every class. Even though he was a pain in the neck, he did make the class a lot more interesting.

Waldor 4 We never expected some of these memories to be the last that we shared with Ryan, we thought there would be many more to come. On March 5, 2012, the lives of our community and the ones surrounding it changed forever. Our friend and colleague had committed suicide. Within hours of getting the news, everyone who heard and was available gathered at the church that Ryan played such a big role in. I learned that my best friend Glen was one of the five boys that found Ryan in these circumstances. He was supposed to meet the boys for lunch and never showed. Ryan never passed up an opportunity to hang out with people so the boys immediately suspected that something was wrong. They went to his house and found him. I not only had to support myself through one of the hardest times of my life, but support my best friend who had just witnessed the most tragic scene he had ever encountered. My reaction after hearing the news was ultimately confusion. A million questions entered my mind. I was mainly just upset about what happened and the confusion of it all didnt help. I just kept asking myself, Why did he do this? Whose fault is this? Am I part of the reason he did this? In this situation, there wasnt many other ways to react. Even if you didnt know Ryan, just hearing the circumstances was upsetting. It was hard to grasp that this actually happened. It seemed as if this was just a really bad dream. The amounts of tears in that church were unreal. Immediately, friends who were fighting made up apologizing about the stupid argument that they were in. People that were never close were just hugging each other. Our community and others became a whole and we supported each other through this crisis. March 5th was a Monday and the following three days the juniors had HSPAS (High School Proficiency Assessment). The seniors didnt have to come to school for those days but most of them did anyway because they did not want to be alone through this time. The school

Waldor 5 had multiple psychiatrists and psychologists available to anyone that needed them. Having testing was nearly impossible to stay focused on but we all had to do it. Before testing began, there was a moment of silence for Ryan. The whole school burst into tears and at that moment I started asking myself, Why did he do this? Throughout the entire test, my mind kept thinking about all the times I wasnt nice to Ryan. I immediately started blaming myself to be one of the causes as to why he did this. Glen and I went together to go talk to someone. He was emotionally unstable to go by himself. Talking to more and more people about the situation, I noticed we all thought the same thing. We all thought that we were the cause to him doing this. Everyone reacted in the same general way. The people that were closer to Ryan were obviously much more upset and didnt know how to handle it. No one believed that someone we knew would do this, especially Ryan. My friend Glen had the hardest time out of everyone. Witnessing your friend dead was traumatizing. He couldnt help but think there was someone to blame. He originally thought that one person led him to do this. The reassuring part about it was that he knew him and his guy friends were not the reason. They loved Ryan and Ryan loved them. Glen and others thought that bullying was the ultimate cause. Then when we all thought back on it, Ryan was never literally bullied. He antagonized people and loved all the attention he could get. One of the worst parts of the entire thing was everyone trying to find a way to blame themselves. The reason I thought I contributed to the problem was whenever I saw him in ShopRite I would blow him off. The day before the tragedy, Ryan was manning the hot bread stand like usual. My mom absolutely adored him and was telling him how I just came from the doctors and that I had bronchitis. He said, I hope ya feel better Casey! I didnt even respond, I just smirked and walked away. To this day, I still feel guilty. I thought maybe me constantly

Waldor 6 ignoring him just added to whatever problems he was encountering. I was raised to be kind to others and always have respect for not only myself, but others as well. When this happened, I couldnt help but think the worst. I just wanted to put the blame on someone thinking it would make it easier. In this generation, its sad that suicide is becoming a common thing. On the news, you see that most causes of suicide are from bullying or stress. I knew Ryan was stressed with work and college, but knowing he got into a school with a scholarship showed me that stress wasnt the reason. For the most part, I was able to rule out bullying. Him getting teased probably did not help whatever underlying issues were occurring, but they werent the main cause. Social influences didnt help with the problem. Hearing what others thought made me rethink everything and caused even more confusion. A boy named Chris McGeorge idolized Ryan. He was mentally challenged and was by Ryans side in school whenever he got the chance to be. The morning after the tragedy, Chris came running up to me. Casey, Casey, its all my fault! as he bursted into tears falling into my arms. The second he fell into my arms the tears started pouring down onto my shirt. As soon as he started crying, so did I. Chris, this was no ones fault and especially not yours. Why would you ever think that? I replied trying to comfort him as much as possible while trying not to cry as badly as he was. I didnt get to see him at ShopRite this weekend. I didnt have time to go. He replied, as the tears kept getting worse. Trying to giggle I replied, Chris, he knows you love him and he always will, dont worry about not getting the chance to see him. It will all be ok I promise.

Waldor 7 Hugging me tighter he replied, I love you. At that moment, I completely lost it and cried with him. The first few weeks afterwards were extremely tough for everyone. When this happened, I couldnt help but think the worst. I just wanted to put the blame on someone thinking it would make it easier. In this generation, its sad that suicide is becoming a common thing. On the news, you see that most causes of suicide are from bullying or stress. I knew Ryan was stressed with work and college, but knowing he got into a school with a scholarship showed me that stress wasnt the reason. For the most part, I was able to rule out bullying. Him getting teased probably did not help whatever underlying issues were occurring, but they werent the main cause. Social influences didnt help with the problem. Hearing what others thought made me rethink everything and caused even more confusion. As time passed, I realized no one could blame themselves for what had happened. I tried helping my friends that were closer to him believe that. Eventually, they did. We all realized that it was something much deeper then that and we werent to blame. The people that were more distant to Ryan believed it was bullying. Most of the parents that knew of Ryan, but not so much on a personal level, thought that it must have been bullying. Then they questioned themselves because even though he drove some people crazy, he was loved by so many. A lot of us that knew Ryan grew up together so we all knew each other on a personal level. It was easy to predict how each person was going to react. Just assuming the worst by listening to opinions of others formed most opinions. When people started sharing their opinions with others, assumptions were made and pieces of each persons opinion were put together. Most of the opinions were taken in a negative context, which was hard to avoid at the time. The same series of questions continuously ran through my head though. Why did it happen? What caused this? Why didnt he

Waldor 8 reach out to others for help? These questions will forever remain unanswered. Ryan Cameron made an impact on everyones life. Thinking about how I handled to conflict at the time, I wish I handled it differently. I should have been there more for my friends instead of worrying about figuring out what happened. I should have had a more positive approach to the situation instead of such a negative one. In this conflict, I took the easy way out. I just kept pointing fingers looking for a person to blame. Conflicts exist because people are always looking for someone to blame for situations that occur, both positive and negative. It is easier to put the blame on someone else and helps with closure in difficult conflicts, even though it is not always the right answer. Now I question, have I always tried to blame someone else in an argument when it wasnt someone elses fault? With this question in mind, I will apply it to future conflicts and make sure to not try to blame people when there is not an individual to blame. Even though certain conflicts are cause by one or multiple people, these are not always the circumstances. The memories everyone has of Ryan will forever be unforgettable. He was one of a kind. I am thankful to have had him as a part of my life even though sometimes I wanted to just get rid of him from my life. He was the most caring, funny and happy kid I have ever met. Hell always be The Voice of ShopRite and no one will ever take his place. Now, I know that there is no one to blame. Underlying issues that no one else knew about except Ryan caused what happened. My perspective eventually changed because the more time I had to think about it; the more I realized that one person couldnt have been the cause. It just took time to understand that we will never know the true reason that Ryan did this. Everyones perspective eventually became similar to mine. We all had a hard time getting over the fact that we will never know why, but it had to be done. Others need to realize that you never know when it will be the last time that you may talk

Waldor 9 to someone. Even if those that words said were not the greatest, you cant blame what you said for the tragedy that may have occurred. I hope this story shows others that anything can happen, especially when you least expect it. And I hope people will help raise suicide awareness.

Waldor 10

Process Notes 1. My method of writing for this paper was similar to other papers I have written in the past. When it comes to writing something personal, it is easy to just speak your mind. I try telling the story in detail to the best of my ability and make it easy for others to read. My main goal when writing a paper is to have the reader enjoy reading it and not be bored or confused. I took breaks throughout my writing process so that I was able to look back on what I wrote and see if that is how I wanted it written. This helps me with my editing process. 2. The most significant revision I made in my paper is the organization. I moved certain paragraphs around to allow more flow within my paper. Also, throughout the paper, analysis of the conflict was inserted making the reader be able to relate to how I was feeling at the time and over time. The reader should notice that my paper has improved by becoming more relatable. 3. My classmates peer response helped me by making my paper flow more. Also, it helped with making it easier to understand by adding more details in certain sections. Other then those two things, peer response tends to not really help me when revising my paper. I prefer getting feedback from a teacher. 4. If I still had more time, I would improve my paper by adding as many more details as possible without making the paper drag on. I would also add more analysis so that the reader could possibly be able to tell exactly how I was feeling at the time of the conflict and how I felt after time had passed.

Waldor 11 5. The most difficult choice while revising my paper was deciding what parts of my paper would go best with certain parts of my analysis. It was hard breaking up my analysis and finding the spot within my paper that it best related to. 6. During this process, I am most proud that I was able to input analysis at the time of the conflict and after time had passed throughout my paper. I have never done this before and it really helps with telling the story. It adds more depth and makes the reader be able to truly understanding how not only myself, but how others were feeling during the time of the conflict.