Jesse Gutirrez 1 MEET PAULINE* Meet Pauline, at 69 years old she is lively as ever cracking jokes and teasing

g the ones she loves. Pauline was born at the old St Marks Hospital in Salt Lake City to the parents of German and Welsh decent. Although she was born in Salt Lake City and has found herself back here, Pauline is not a life-long resident. Her family moved quite a bit when she was young: first to St Louis and then to a couple places in California. Its funny how when youre a kid places seem so much bigger than they actually are, she explains before revealing her family of 7 (two parents, and five children) all lived in a small two-bedroom house with one bathroom. All five kids had to share the same room. Pauline had indoor plumbing as a child but recalls her cousins did not; and they had a huge hullabaloo when they finally got an indoor toilet. They invited people over to pull the lever and watch it flush. It is here I share my mothers story that her grandfather refused to get an indoor toilet the thought of it just sounded too unsanitary to him. Every day he would trudge out to his outhouse. Its funny the things you remember from when you were a kid. Pauline still remembers her telephone number from when she lived in California. Back then, the numbers were shorter, she explains before rambling off what her number used to be. Party lines were a fact of reality back then and her family was lucky enough to only have one other house on the same line and they were hardly ever on the phone, so it wasnt a big huge deal she says.

Paulina a pseudonym; she didnt want me using her real name.

Gutirrez 2 About ten years ago she and her husband, Darrell, took a trip to California. For curiositys sake, she wanted to see the old neighborhood, and asked a few of the locals for directions. They all warned that she wouldnt want to go to that part of town, but Pauline persisted and was utterly shocked to see how unkempt and run down the area was. It wasnt at all the way she remembered it. Either the eyes of a child added a sunny filter or time has taken a toll and ghettoized the area. Pauline remembers at the age of 9 or 11, sneaking down to watch Elvis on the Ed Sullivan Show, and laughs that they could only show him from the waist up. Favorite shows from the past include Lucille Ball (I Love Lucy) and, later, Archie Bunker (All in the Family). I ask her if she remembers the first time she ever went and saw a movie. That I dont know, but I remember every weekend that gang of us (my brothers and sisters) would head up to the movie house and watch black and white westerns. Silver screen classics that depict the likes of Roy Rogers and Gene Audry. Im fascinated. So fascinated I

forget to share what I recently learned from my parents when I asked them what the first movie they remember seeing was. My mom

remembers seeing Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. She was eleven. And she remembers being so excited and feeling privileged that they
Roy Rogers, photo courteousy of wikipedia

Gutirrez 3 got to sit up high on the balcony to watch it. She didnt learn until later, that that was where the non-white people had to sit. Shes New Mexican Spanish and it was 1971 in Rawlins, Wyoming. As much fun as Pauline and her siblings had, childhood wasnt easy. Her father was an abusive man and a constant cheater. It rocked the household and caused fear, resentment, and hate. Her mother left him once, but She was so stupid, she took him back. In the end, when it became evident that she would never leave him again,

Pauline and her brothers and sisters would pray that he would die early enough that their mom could actually live and enjoy the rest of her life. She wasnt that lucky and no one mourned him when he finally did pass away. Its difficult for me to imaging living in such an environment and I feel bad for those who actually do, but I cant help but to also feel great admiration for those who are able to persevere. It makes me wonder how I would have behaved or what would have become of me had I shared the same experience. At the age of 17, my father trekked across the southwestern desert in search for a better life. God, what a terrifying thought for me to abandon everything you know, just to come to an alien land, not even knowing the predominate language, on your own, at 17? Language cannot do justice to how these thoughts make me feel, most of the time they end up rendering me speechless. Paulines been married twice. She shares the story of how she and her second

husband met. She does the second one because hes the one that matters. It was 30 years ago, both divorced, and at the same fireside gathering the LDS church was

Gutirrez 4 sponsoring. He actually was a year over the limit, but it didnt matter. They still let him in. And it was a good thing they did because both Pauline and Darrell hit it off. Their first date was to a play at the Pioneer Theatre and it was on their way to the show that Pauline asked, So how long have you been divorced? Darrell looks at his watch and rambles off a number. It had been a matter of hours! Now he had been separated for quite some time, but the paperwork wasnt official until that very morning. A few months later it was December and they both found themselves married again. Pauline tells me she had wanted to wait for January but, being the savvy businessman, he wanted them to be able to have the tax benefits for that year. And with this I can sympathize. During that brief window in December when gay people could marry, my spouse and I jumped at the opportunity. This year I got to file as a couple and holy heck did it change how much we got back. I would have asked to move it from January to December too! Darrell worked for a company that specialized in communications. When the president of the company visited Salt Lake City, he offered him a position at a new London office. Darrell accepted enthusiastically. Pauline absolutely loved London. She reminisces about being able to be there for the opening day of Parliament. Unlike the States, they hold a celebration complete with parades and speeches. It was there that Pauline fell in love with the royal family. She recalls one day while she was eating at McDonalds, Princess Diana had shown up with her two sons at the same very restaurant. Thats what she liked about Di, how down to earth and with the people she was; not to mention she was even more stunning in person, just gorgeous. We talked

Gutirrez 5 about the future of the royal family and the future of the crown. She calls Prince Charles a jerk, but blames his philandering on how he was raised. Pauline hopes that William and Harry were able to learn more from their mother and keep themselves down to earth, be involved in charities, and to keep thinking of people less fortunate than they are. I asked if she remembered when the Berlin Wall fell. Yes, she exclaims, I thought it was great! Unlike many Americans, Pauline was actually able to visit both sides of the city. And the other side was just awful, they had these tall buildings made out of cement [they were] apartment buildings. It was ugly over there, but let me tell you: they had some of the nicest people. She laughs at remembering when her brother came to visit; much to his chagrin, he wasnt able to experience the east side of the wall. He wanted so bad to see it, but it really was gloomy and awful. After a while Darrells company decided to close shop in London. The pairs ventures in Europe came to an end. To her sadness, they returned home just months before the company was sold. The 80s was her favorite decade because of England and because Darrell made it so great. Hes always been great. It is here when I ask her for the secret to a successful marriage and she explains its not just one thing: You have to put the other person first; constant communicate with one another; and you cant forget humor. Darrell shared all three with her. He made 30 years fly by and at the same time filled it with beautiful memories. He unexpectedly passed away a few months back. Pauline still has trouble, especially at night. During our conversation she corrects herself a couple of times. Its

Gutirrez 6 difficult to begin speaking in the first person singular when ones been using the first person plural for so long. And especially even more difficult when its so hard to believe hes really gone. She shares with me that soon after it happened, some of the ladies in the community she lives in (this is one of the moments she corrects herself, she realizes she used we live instead of I live) had told her she is now part of their exclusive club, widowhood. That term rubs me the wrong way. Exclusive club, like its a privilege. How insensitive, I think to myself. They say it never gets better. It gets easier day after day, but never better. The pain will always be there. By this point, her eyes have been watering for some time. She asks how my spouses mom is doing. I hadnt t old her yet. I shake my head and let her know that she passed about a month and a half ago. We had gone out to see her on her deathbed and witness the savage toll death takes on a cancer victim, survivor, and returned victim. I was very close to her and will never forget the huge smile on her face when she wakened to me on her bedside. My mind wonders off and gets lost in memories. Hers does too. The pain never goes away. What a thing to say to a grieving widow. Words of wise poets shoot through my mind. I swallow and explain the reason pain doesnt go away is because of love. You cant discard love, it will always stick with you. And that love, your love, his love for you, that love was so great. You just cant discard it, you wouldnt want to discard it.

Gutirrez 7 My conversation with Pauline ended with a Ritual for Unloving commotion of feelings. Feelings that ranged from happy and sad; loneliness and togetherness; but most of all, there was a type of appreciation or better explained as the sense you get after therapeutic release. You know that feeling, weve all experienced that. All in all what this experience has taught me is how utterly human we all are. There is no doubt what Pauline has experienced, what she has lived through, is radically different from what Ive experienced and what anyone else has experienced. Her stories and her the man then left and took to the road later in his pocket he found the same stone --Franscisco X Alarcn stories and experiences of others are unique to them alone. And yet, we all share the same emotions. We all experience love, joy, grief, and sadness. We need to remember that. People other each other all the time. People look for differences and shun those who do not fit their construct of belonging. I say to hell with that. Were all the same. We are all human. the man threw a stone into the river the stone sank to the bottom like his love

memories are unique to her alone. Just the same as