Kevin Kellems

English 2010
Flash Memoir
The Love of the B movie.

Everyone has that moment that changes their lives forever and gives birth to the
path of the person they will become. Whether its their first communion, the first book
that opens their mind, or the note of music that rips their soul open. Mine was
pressing play on a VHS copy of My Uncle the Alien. If only I could have known how
this awful movie about 3 kids locked inside a warehouse hunting for an alien that had
crashed landed nearby, while a ghost of an old man guided them through stacks and
stacks of boxes, would be the catalyst on my path to adulthood.
The Backdrop to these events was Orem Utah, one of the most religious cities in
the USA. Growing up in this city left me with questions that no one would even try to
answer. Like why we all practiced cannibalism every week when we eat the body and
blood of Christ, but when those islanders eat each other its wrong? Or why do my
parents love these three old guys so much? Everyone around me just treated them as
a kid being weird and told me with prayer, another subject I didnt understand, and
time all would come forth in my mind. So I just kind of sat around and waited until Id
figure things out on my own.
The big change happened with three of my best friends with the pressing of that
play button. Two of them had the same background of wait and Jesus will tell you but
one came from a more opened minded family. He was an only child and his parents set
him up to be free thinking and question everything. There were no absolutes in his
household. This would end up being the perfect springboard into our awakening of the
B-movie.
We spent every Friday and Saturday night locked up in one of our basements
watching film after film. These films would start conversations about anything and
everything and would set the stage for a completely open exchange of thoughts. A film
about an intercity kid killed by random gang violence but had a hidden obsession with
voodoo. So he came back for revenge on his killers as a twisted voodoo clown that ran
an ice cream truck with a hidden warehouse in the back. This would lead into a deep
discussion about what race is today in the USA. A film about mad cow disease really
being a government made zombie virus that went wrong. Would lead into a discussion
about animal rights.
The films were chosen randomly until we hit the gold mine that was Christian
propaganda. These films mainly featured a superhero named Bible man. Pure gold for
what we were going through in our lives and a perfect guide for discussions. But if
youre asking what is Bible Man? Well hes a
scientist that didnt believe in God until a
freak accident in his lab turned him into a
Bible pumping, purple foam rubber covered
superhero that turned his back on science.
Battling the unbelievers with raps or really
cool light shows. He led to hours and hours of
intense discussions on the absurdity of
religion and the reality of God. This would
lead me right to the arms world's greatest salesman of all time, J.R. Bob Dobbs. The
Christ figure of my current faith, the Church of the Subgenius. His promise of eternal
salvation, aka slack, for only 35 dollars or triple my money back in hell. Such a deal I
had to buy it for my daughter, or as most people refer to her my cat.
The pushing of limits wasnt just for our minds we also pushed our bodies. The
Jones Soda holiday pack of 2005 was such a mistake of soda. It almost made us believe
in God. These 5 sodas prove that God hates man: Turkey & Gravy", carbonated gravy;
"Cranberry", Sprite mixed with shark week; Wild Herb Stuffing, bread soaked in
sewer; Pumpkin Pie, dog eats pie shits out this;
Brussels sprouts and prosciutto, ipecac. I need
there to be a special place in hell for the inventor of
the Brussels sprouts and prosciutto soda. These
sodas made us hope for death but gave us only a
solid hour of vomiting. How could this not of been
the groundwork for our future in the GOP.
So it might have taken me until the age of 17 to kiss a girl but I had already lived a
few lifetimes with the thousands of movies and discussions that had taken away my
Friday and Saturday nights. Leaving me the crazy cat person and J.R.Bob Dobbs
follower I am today. Im glad looking back I had more of a cultured and questioning
youth, albeit from the B side of the tracks.