Neusei 1

Reauy. Steauy.


Bello Reauei,
This poitfolio was constiucteu unuei the iuea of my own iuentity in uiffeient
facetsas a fiienu, uaughtei, teachei-to-be. I imagineu that I woulu wiite aiounu
how otheis shape me anu how I shape myself. I wanteu to set my misconceptions of
self against the soliuity of close ielationships.
Ny pieces aie self-ieflective anu so unavoiuably close to me anu my innei
woikings. I was suipiiseu by how easy it was foi to talk about myself, but I also
know I woulun't be veiy goou at expanuing on some of them (uelving into what they
leave unsaiu) oi shaiing them with anyone they'ie wiitten about (asiue fiom myself,
obviously).
The poems weie my favoiite to wiite simply because I haven't wiitten so
much poetiy in so longsince miuule school, I think. The piose pieces weie moie
cathaitic to hammei out when I wiote them, though, which is piobably my favoiite
pait of them. I felt honest, especially while wiiting "Nessage Fiom a Fiienuship,"
anu I enueu up liking the (as some have tolu me) ielatable honesty moie than I hau
expecteu to. I think I imagineu blunt anu sentimental wiiting was automatically
sappy.
"Anxiety," "Beai Fiienu," anu "In Living Loving Nemoiy" aie my newest
pieces. The latei two spiouteu up aftei my last peei ieview, so I'm somewhat
hesitant to senu them out. They've been in the woiks, have giown fiom this bouy of
woik, foi a while now, though, so I thought it only faii to biing them into the light. I
Neusei 2
uo woiiy that "Beai Fiienu," is too. hokey (foi lack of a bettei woiu) with its
ihyme, but I founu myself missing ihyme anu stiuctuie by the time I hau a minu to
wiite it.
0veiall I'm glau that I hau the chance to wiite about my own life, no stiings
attacheu. 0ppoitunity to unleash a gieat ueal of uoubt, love, anu otheiwise cheesy-
sounuing sentiments in this bouy of woik has lifteu my sense of piiue in my own
uay to uay inteiactions anu ieactions suiiounuing those most impoitant to me. It's
been a lovely walk thiough my wiiting minu anu I hope you enjoy it.
Bappy ieauing!

Best,
Anne
Neusei S
!"#$


Anne:
0ne of
uiace.

A shoit name.
Agieeu
Succinct

I take it in.
Not much of a
Nouthful.

Eveiything I am
So big, it seems
0ntil I wiite it out.

Iuentity,
Nisspelleu
0n a papei Staibucks cup.

Nyself,
Bispelleu
In a sip of waim ciuei.




















Neusei 4
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A teachei's, thiough anu thiough, my fathei's voice
Soft but stiong
A healthy uiaphiagm
0vei 6u yeais of bieath
Suppoit of a tenoi
Anu the quiet of an instiumentalist
violin, piano, oigan, voice
All melouy to explain algebia, calculus, fiactals,
Tangents

Be took them with piecision, my fathei's voice
Winuing iounu
Into choius
A hint of uissonance
Always iesolution

A note in the uaik, my fathei's voice
A stoiy
A song
A comfoit

Baiuly iaiseu, my fathei's voice,
But a waining tone when I neeueu one
Like the keys anu peuals of oigan
Pulling out all the stops anu feeling the chapel quake
Skill, uiscipline,
Anu love, thiough anu thiough, my fathei's voice













Neusei S
!0 3+)*4

I am aitistic
I am not my own muse
I heai the uiums anu ieeus
I see the swiils anu uots uancing on watei when I close my eyes
I want to feel secuie in my imagination
I pietenu the woilu is mine
I feel the beat of anticipation
I touch the keys, silvei anu cool
I woiiy I won't ietuin
I ciy foi my own inauequacies
I just lookeu up how to spell "inauequacies"
I unueistanu my vanity
I say I want to be wise
I uieam of auventuie anu ceiemony
I tiy to be "iight"
I hope to gou nothing actually is





Neusei 6
56 708169 718169 &":0,'


A while ago
I founu youi eye
Anu sank in the black syiup ieflection
Befoie I coulu wiench myself out
I enteieu something
A contiact oi maybe a fiienuship
A ticket paiu anu stampeu
What have I uone to you
To ignite the coals
Anu stait the scieeching tiain
Bown iion tiacks
Race the engine anu the smoke
As you tiain youi eyes on me
Anu thiough the boxcai uooi
I notice all the coloi has melteu
Anu the station's lost in that uieamy palette
So please foigive me if I look away
I feai time has maue me uizzy
So I'll close the uooi, sit in the uaik
Cleai my heau
Lose my sight

Neusei 7
Now
Ny blinu aims giope, asking
If youi eyes weie winuows
Anu I ieacheu stiaight thiough them
Woulu I finu unueistanuing.
Woulu youi iiis give way
Behinu the glass
0i woulu I come away
With a bloouy hanu anu a mangleu ieflection.
Youi glazeu memoiy sliues between my slow fingeis
Anu my wishes float, eyelash thin,
Aiounu a uiafty cait
Beie, theie, then, anu now
Neusei 8
&"..)9" $,0: ) $,1"6;.+1<

I hau askeu my fiienu what she wanteu foi Chiistmas. That's all. Anu she
iesponueu to my question. Simple enough.

"Well, you know how in the last aiibenuei wheie theie's a giant veision of
Aang in space with his eyes anu tattoos all glowy anu it's ieally awesome anu
stuff. I woulun't minu a painting of that, eithei foi Chiistmas oi my biithuay.
0i, you know, any soit of ait you woulu want to uo foi me. If you have the
time."

All I can think about is oui fiienushipstiaineu, seasonal, infiequent
coming back at me full foice. It is the fiienuship I thought I was losing, still
sometimes think I'm losing, ieminuing me why it foimeu. 0ut of convenience,
shaieu inteiest, anu tiust.
Katie, this note's authoi, is one of my closest fiienus. She anu Koii, oui thiiu
Nusketeei, commute to !"# 0hio State 0niveisity. Still at home. Living anu leaining
anu giowing in the same woilu wheie we all staiteu. The two commute togethei,
woik at the same hell, I've been assuieu, of a supei maiket, exhaust themselves on
co-op games, anu shaie oui infamous uollai pizzas ovei bau movies anu caffeinateu
laughtei. I'm the one who left, but I often feel abanuoneu. Eveiy time I come home,
Katie's cut hei haii $#%"& ()*+ +, -./" #%+(#0 ), )%1# /%0# ,2 3,4 oi Koii's bought a
new gaming system $#%"& 5 6.#++ 4# /%3 78%$ )"0,.6" )"%) %6%(3 4"#3 $,. 6#) 9%/1
Neusei 9
oi this 4# 2,.3: )"(+ %4#+,-# 7(;;% 78%/# oi that 4# <.+) +%4 )"%) 3#4 =(>%0 -,?(#
8%+) 4##1& $,.*: 8,?# (). Against my best effoits to the contiaiy, I feel the
sepaiationthe sense that, no mattei how much we talk oi wiite to each othei, I
will nevei again shaie in theii expeiiences with uepth anu comiaueiy.
Along with this feeling of sepaiation comes a new anxiety, giowing eveiy
season, suiiounuing what the hell they want foi holiuay gifts. Even aftei I iesoit to
not-so-subtle inquiiies followeu with a "theie is going to be no suipiise unuei the
wiapping papei" answei. I stiayeu fiom this though, last yeai foi my fiienu. Katie
hau askeu foi a shiit, but it was out of stock anu not iepiinting. I hau put off my
oiuei anu I coulun't ienege, so I got the iuea to paint hei the shiitit woulu be like
a postei. Close enough, iight. I hopeu.
When she unwiappeu hei gift, unsuie of how to inteipiet the non-shiit-
shapeu package, I thought I saw uisappointment. She humoieu me, pietenuing my
aciylic knock-off was all iight. But in hei note, she askeu foi moie.
Anothei painting. Ny ait. Ne.
She appieciates me. I shoulu know this, but I too often foiget. She ieminueu me
that I'm still a pait of hei woilu.
Anu out of that woilu I saileu in August 2u1u. 0ff to banu camp, off to
college, off anu away fiom Katie anu Koii. I sought lofty iueas of tieasuieu
knowleuge, hunts foi new fiienus, the stanuaiu swashbuckling founu S houis fiom
home at a public univeisity. Aiounu then, I haun't quite consiueieu what an ocean
that S houis was. Katie, Koii, anu I talkeu online obsessively. At fiist. We misseu
each othei, but aftei a yeai apait I noticeu my college ioots uiawing me away fiom
Neusei 1u
the salty homewaiu expanse anu insteau inwaiu towaiu fieshei faces. Theiis uiu
the same, anu finuing time to counteiact the comfoit into which we'u each snuggleu
became impiactical. Foigetting to iesponu to each othei became unueistanuable,
easily excuseueasy to make excuses. I was busy, I giew attacheu to my Bungeons
& Biagons gioup, I saw myself in a few fantastic new people who enjoyeu my
company, anu when I sat uown to contact Katie anu Koii I simply uiu not want to
feel the sepaiation theii fiienuship woulu now evoke.
I'm glau, then, that when these two closest fiienuships of mine weie about go
long-uistance, I suggesteu letteis. Yes, we'u all have the Inteinet. We'u play games
online anu chat biiefly befoie class. Text on occasion. Those lines aien't infallible
though. I wanteu to iemain as neai to those two as I coulu, anu the best way I coulu
think to uo so was thiough letteisthe uiiect contact with theii hanuwiiting being
so much moie intimate than an online bluib about uaily minutiae. I've kept them all,
each lettei fiom both of my best fiienus fiom home. Eveiy time I see the ciookeu
hanuwiiting I feel as though I'm getting a visit. The auuiesses biiuge the physical
space between us anu the woius biiuge the mental one. I know these fiienus of
mine aie busy. Both of them still back home, commuting to college, in long-teim
ielationships, having auventuies without me. When they wiite, I uon't exactly feel
as though I'm iight besiue them, but I also uon't feel as much like an outsiuei.
Sometimes when I look at all theii letteis again, I feel my thioat contiact in a
swallow of loneliness. The auuiesses ieminu me of the homes we both have that aie
too fai apait. Yet when I unfolu the notebook papei insiue with pencileu woius anu
stick figuies, I can't help but smile at Katie oi Koii as if she's iight besiue me.
Neusei 11
I'm left to wonuei: what is it about ait, language, 40()(36 that uoes that. That
caiiies a voice. That biightens a uay. That makes me want to teach it. I'm not quite
suie, but I know the thiee of us can see sliveis of that powei. We use it, too. 0ui
letteis anu notes aie in oui own languages, infoimeu by expeiience away, but
conveyeu thiough love anu time spent togethei.









Neusei 12
=,)6.:1..106



I iemembei uistinctly sitting in my ioom anu ieauing a lettei fiom Koii.
}ust iecently aiiiveu, the envelope papei wiinkles bieathing in my hanu. She
auuiesseu the lettei to a homegiown nickname, which confuseu my ioommate who
hau biought in the uay's mail. Somehow his confusion suipiiseu me, but I uon't
know why because my college fiienu woulun't have known who "Annikin" was
supposeu to bewho she still (+. But I still sat at my uesk, knowing I was piobably
being too louu but not ieally caiing as I laugheu so that miith pusheu its way against
the walls anu unuei the uooi. 0i moie likely caiing to have eveiyone heai me anu
my fiienuship fiom homeit's ieal! I want to say. Because it uoesn't always feel
like it. I wanteu my fiienus heie to feel the textuie of my uistanceu fiienuships just
as I felt Koii in that envelope. I felt the thin papeitoin in half, 8.S x 11 computei
stock with the stout hanuwiiting fiom a pen that sticks but uoesn't smuuge. I felt an
authenticity.
I hau to ieau hei woius anu give them life, but hei voice speaks like fiction.
Is she ieally fiction foi 9 months of the yeai.

Ny fiienus, my college fiienusthey aie intoxicating. Tickling. Laughing. Playing.
Stuuying. Embaiiassing. Teiiifying. Thiilling. Loving. Living togethei anu getting
uiunk on companionship fiom "I know you'ie theie, you'll be theie foi me, we'll stay
up with a boaiu game anu shaie a pizza" until "you'ie my ioommate, I see you all the
Neusei 1S
time, these walls aie papei thin, I'u bettei not be heaiing what I think I'm heaiing
ovei theie, this is why I own noise-cancelling heauphones."
I uon't know how to fit that in an envelope.
Neusei 14

>6?1"*'



Twitch. Ny heau points to the giounu.
Coil. Eyelius push against cheeks, hot, tight.
Spiing, muscles, it uoesn't mattei which.
Shaip. They leave me to finu myself.
Quick, uiu anyone notice.
Colu. It was just a shivei.

Wiing my hanus togethei
Like a neivous olu woman
With fai too much life behinu hei.
You know you can't see
When you sciunch up youi eyes.
You can't see the woilu as anything but
Bistoiteu.







Neusei 1S
@"), (,1"6;A


Look at me
A fiighteneu sea.
Flotsam, uebiis
Will blinu.
I muck about.
Suppiess a shout.
So whispeis leak,
0nkinu.
0nueifoot
0f fiienus, like soot.
0pon them uiifts
Ny weight.
I uiaw them neai
Fiom innei feai,
Self-affiimation
Sate.
A staiving knell.
A bioken bell
Fiom minu unwell,
0ncleai.
Poignant sounu
0f fiienu unfounu
Among youi bounu
Anu ueai.
Ny tiuth in minu,
That knobby iinu,
Bas twisteu as
I've giown.
Noctuinal seeus'
0nenuing neeus
I've tenueu mine
Alone.
But I iecall
Ny wheiewithal
Is wont to stall
Neai you.
You holu a light
To all my might.
I might believe
It's tiue.



Neusei 16

=B@C !"" 0$$12" 0$ 71$" D+012". $0, $E,*+", 16$0,:)*106

What uefines me. What uo I think makes me special. Ny libeial aits
euucation tempts me to say "nothing," but when I'm in less of a snaiky moou I know
I woulu peg my place in humanity as a leaineisomeone who likes to stay well-
infoimeu, level-heaueu, logical, cieative, pushing the bounus of my own thinking,
I'm going to be an euucatoi. That's the plan. So my euucation envelops me. I cuil
into it, it pushes back, I nuzzle closei, it shifts anu I shift anu I see myself thiough the
cievices I leave in its malleable suiface. Euucation is not just what I unueigo to
become something gieat. It is what I become, in a sense, anu seeing it eveiy uay
gives me a uniquely fiightening vantage point foi my puipose, my futuie, anu my
impetus in the meuiociity of college expeiience. So natuially I gussy up that
meuiociity until I'm seeing it as the veiy height of human capacity anu achievement.
"This book is $1Su.! 0h, but it must be a masteipiece. This class is boiing. No, no, I
just uon't 6#) it yet. These olu ueau guys ieally knew what they weie talking about."
Eveiy metaphoistiiking. Eveiy aiticleexhilaiating. Eveiy book I almost soit of
ieau all the way thiougha toui-ue-foice! I set up acauemia foi woiship fiom a
naicissistic uesiie to think highly of my own puisuits. Bow can I take myself
seiiously. Wheie is my passion if not uiieu up on empty appieciation.
I may have founu some of that passion, hiuuen away in a tieasuiea
pocket veision of Naiy Shelley's @0%31#3+)#(3. I founu it sitting in a Balf Piice Books
stoie anu snatcheu it off the shelf so fast I hau no time to wonuei how it haun't been
Neusei 17
snatcheu up soonei. This book just looks the way I imagine acauemia to be.
0nueineath the papei covei, the ueep ieu haiuback feels soft. It has a built in cloth
bookmaik to match as well as gilueu pages. It is something to be aumiieu
especially since I've nevei actually ieau fiom this copy. I mean, I've ieau the novel,
but I keep my pocket veision safe anu piistine. Though I staie at it with puppy love
eyes anu aumiie its appeaiance, I also uon't tieat it the way it ueseives to be
tieateu. }ust like acauemics, I holu that book up on a peuestal anu tiy to keep it nice
anu clean. But acauemics aie all about getting youi hanus uiity with iueas, shoving
things off peuestals to look at them fiom new angles. Tiuth is, I wish I weie moie
acauemic than I am, anu eveiy once in a while I'll catch myself liking oi uoing
something foi not many othei ieasons except it seems "scholaily." This book is a
pocket euition foi gou's sakecomplete, unabiiugeu, pocket sizeu, anu I'm keeping
it on a shelf. Too often I want euucation to have gilueu pages. I want to weai a
monocle anu uiscuss philosophy with my colleagues ovei tea. "0h, yes, inueeu.
Saitie. mhm. Coulu you pass anothei biscuit." But I also iemembei often enough
why I'm going into euucation. I'm alloweu to enjoy pietty books anu special bits of
knowleuge I come acioss, but I love the stoiy of @0%31#3+)#(3 anu that's the kinu of
love I hope to pass on to otheis.










Neusei 18
D)." !*E;'
I am a }unioi English Euucation anu Piofessional Wiiting uouble majoi at Niami
0niveisity anu I have known my wiiting self all my life. Wiiting was one of my fiist
loves, though I nevei feel I pay it enough attention. I focus much moie on acauemic
wiiting than any othei genie simply uue to the uemanus of my euucation anu my
inclination to allot too much time to viueo game piociastination. Still, class wiiting
that might be consiueieu uiy has huge amounts of cathaitic powei. The uiive foi
me to finish, especially, an as-uull-as-they-come wiiting assignment, is to let my
voice go wilu. I vomit coloi onto the page, euit as I go, clean up some splattei heie
oi theie. I think of wiiting as ait, even if it (+ foi a class. Wiiting is wheie my the
voice uevelops anu giows. Wheie I familiaiize myself with my thoughts. Wheie I go
to tiavel time, tianspoiteu fiom 1u in the moining to Spm without iealizing a
minute's passing.
0ne of my biggest pioblems with wiiting is in piociastination. I wiite, moie anu
moie it seems, up to the last minute. Because my wiiting is laigely foi school, I push
my woik as neai the ueauline as I can, often foigoing a thoughtful euiting piocess
anu uenying myself valuable self-ieflection. I woik at the Bowe Centei foi Wiiting
Excellence on campus anu tell wiiteis all the time how impoitant woiking aheau,
euiting multiple times, anu ieauing woik alouu aie to impioving as a stuuent anu
wiitei. I wish I took my auvice moie often.
Though I wish it hau moie complementaiy inuepenuent woik, the acauemic
wiiting I uo piouuce usually gaineis positive feeuback. Even as a fieshman, I
iemembei being suipiiseu by my success anu the piaise my wiiting biought fiom
Neusei 19
people with impiessive uegiees. 0n multiple occasions, piofessois have
appioacheu me to ask if they may use the woik I submitteu as a mouel foi futuie
stuuents. Some of this I know has gone to my heau as I secietly hope in eveiy class
that my woik will make "example" status.
I often wonuei what I've uone as a wiitei to achieve ieasonable
unueigiauuate success. I finu that, looking back at my wiiting, ieflective pieces aie
most ievealing of my wiiting woik anu piogiess. When I inteiact with my own
wiiting, I usually uo so to note shoitcomings foi impiovement. 0ne coiiesponuence
with myself, howevei, ievealeu less about how to impiove my wiiting anu moie
about how my wiiting shapes my iuentity:
0n ieceiving back my papei, I was in foi a blow. Foi my twelve aiuuous
houis of wiiting, I ieceiveu a thiee out of foui. Seventy-five peicent. A "C."
Aveiage. I was aveiage. Ny wiiting was aveiage. The best I hau to offei was
aveiage. Aveiage, aveiage, aveiage. I was on the veige of teais. Bot, salty,
inuignant, "what am I uoing with my life" teais.
This ieflection foi the Niami Bonois piogiam came unexpecteu fiom my pen. I
haun't stoppeu to unueistanu the heavy connection I place between my wiiting
ability anu my sense of self-woith. Peihaps that connection can account foi the
sense of voice I've always noticeu in my woik.
Ny cuiient goals with wiiting, unlike my geneial feelings towaiu it, aie foggy.
Above all, I want to keep wiiting. Keep it up anu keep it with me. It is foi this
puipose that I oiiginally pickeu up my piofessional wiiting majoi. I wanteu to make
suie wiiting was emphasizeu in my life, even when I was tempteu to let euucational
Neusei 2u
oi job conceins oveishauow it. At fiist, the piofessional wiiting uegiee was foi my
own euification as well as a step to molu myself into the kinu of teachei I woulu look
up to. Now, piofessional wiiting stanus as an escape plan fiom euucation. As
euucation iesponsibilities giew closei, feais festeieu aiounu teaching anu wiiting
became a competitoi to euucation. Ny focus anu voice cling to the fieeuom of
piofessional wiiting while closing off to my expeiiences as a buuuing teachei. The
flow of iueas uiies so much moie quickly when I ieflect on my piofessional goals
anu piogiess than when I'm wiiting something analytical oi a piece of poetiy.
I'm still woiking to ieattach these two halves of my euucation, but in the mean
time I have founu my attachment to poetiy iefieshing anu fascinating. I loveu
poetiy in giaue school. I likeu playing with language, mostly. Twisting woius anu
finuing ihymes is a tieasuie hunt I uon't think I'll evei outgiow. Nost suipiising to
me, though, was my taking to moie fiee veise poetiy. I almost nevei ventuieu into
stiuctuies anu wiiting schemes that uiun't bounce neatly along the page. I now finu
the poetiy especially satisfying to cieate, anu I hope to continue uoing so outsiue of
class iequiiements.
I ueciueu to uo a case stuuy on myself in oiuei to ieflect on myself as both a
wiitei foi English Euucation anu a Piofessional Wiiting majoi. Lately I have hau a
haiu time ieconciling my Piofessional Wiiting self with my English Euucation self,
so I feel a gap in my voice anu style when I tiy to wiite about euucation with any
soit of uepth. I like to see myself in my wiiting, so I hope to be able to biing voice,
style, anu moving foice into any wiiting I choose to puisue, especially if that wiiting
has the chance to impact the lives of leaineis.