The Smart Stepfamily

THE
SMART
STEPFAMILY
7
Steps to a Healthy Family
RON L. DEAL
7
(Unpullishcd manuscriptcopyright protcctcd Bakcr Pullishing Group)
Deal_SmartStepFam_EC_djm.indd 5 3/24/14 1:33 PM
Ron L. Deal, The Smart Stepfamily
Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group, 2002, 2014. Used by permission.
2002, 201+ ly Ron L. Dcal
Pullishcd ly Bcthany Housc Pullishcrs
11+00 Hampshirc Avcnuc South
Bloomington, Minncsota 55+38
www.lcthanyhousc.com
Bcthany Housc Pullishcrs is a division ol
Bakcr Pullishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan
Printcd in thc Unitcd Statcs ol Amcrica
All rights rcscrvcd. No part ol this pullication may lc rcproduccd, storcd in a rctricval systcm,
or transmittcd in any lorm or ly any mcanslor camplc, clcctronic, photocopy, rccording
without thc prior writtcn pcrmission ol thc pullishcr. Thc only cccption is lricl quotations in
printcd rcvicws.
This cdition pullishcd 201+
Lilrary ol Congrcss Cataloging-in-Pullication Data
Dcal, Ron L.
Thc smart stcplamily : scvcn stcps to a hcalthy lamily / Ron L. Dcal , lorcword ly Gary
Chapman. Rcviscd and cpandcd cdition.
pagcs cm
Includcs lilliographical rclcrcnccs.
Summary: Stcplamily cpcrt addrcsscs kcy conccrns and practical issucs lacing cvcry
stcplamily Providcd ly pullishcr.
ISBN 978-0-76+2-1206-2 (plk. : alk. papcr)
1. Stcplamilics. 2. Rcmarricd pcoplcFamily rclationships. 3. Stcpparcnts.
+. Parcnting. 5. StcplamilicsPsychological aspccts. I. Titlc.
HQ759.92.D+ 201+
306.87+7dc23 201+003656
Unlcss othcrwisc idcnticd, Scripturc quotations arc lrom Thc Holy Billc, Lnglish Standard Vcr-
sion (LSV), copyright 2001 ly Crossway, a pullishing ministry ol Good Ncws Pullishcrs.
Uscd ly pcrmission. All rights rcscrvcd. LSV Tct Ldition: 2007
Scripturc quotations idcnticd NIRV arc lrom thc Holy Billc, Ncw Intcrnational Rcadcrs Vcr-
sion. NIrV. Copyright 1995, 1996, 1998 ly Billica, Inc. Uscd ly pcrmission ol Zondcrvan.
All rights rcscrvcd worldwidc. www.zondcrvan.com.
Scripturc quotations idcnticd Thc Mcssagc paraphrasc arc lrom The Message. Copyright
1993, 199+, 1995 ly Lugcnc H. Pctcrson. Uscd ly pcrmission ol NavPrcss Pullishing Group.
All namcs and rccognizallc dctails havc lccn changcd to protcct thc privacy ol thosc who havc
sharcd thcir storics lor this look.
Covcr dcsign ly Lric Walljaspcr
1+ 15 16 17 18 19 20 7 6 5 + 3 2 1
To my wilc and lcst lricnd, Nan
Thrcc diamonds
All my lovc, lor all my lilc
9
Contents
Forcword ly Gary Chapman 11
Prclacc to thc Rcviscd Ldition 13
Acknowlcdgmcnts lor thc Rcviscd and Lpandcd Ldition 17
Acknowlcdgmcnts lor thc First Ldition 19
Introduction 21
Part One: Headed for the Promised Land!
1. Through Wildcrncss Wandcrings 29
2. Kcy Stcpping-Stoncs 51
Part Two: Seven Steps in the Journey
3. Smart Stcp Onc: STLP Up! 73
Discover a redemptive God who loves, forgives, and provides strength
and direction for the journey
+. Smart Stcp Two: STLP Down 85
Adjust your expectations and learn how to cook a stepfamily
5. Smart Stcp Thrcc: Two-STLP 101
Your marriage must be a top priority
6. Smart Stcp Four: STLP in Linc (Part 1) 129
With the parenting team (co-parenting)
10
Cont ent s
Parent and stepparent roles
Unique Parenting Roles and Issues
Adult stepchildren 200
Part-time parenting and stepparenting 205
Birth order changes 207
Stepparenting adolescents 208
Parenting the mutual child 212
Sibling relationships and parenting 215
Adopting stepchildren 218
Legal matters in stepparenting 220
9. Smart Stcp Fivc: Sidc STLP (Part 1) 225
The pitfalls common to stepfamilies
Unrecognized loss and unexpressed grief 227
Being driven by menacing emotions 245
Combining holiday and family traditions 247
10. Smart Stcp Fivc: Sidc STLP (Part 2) 253
Financial pitfalls: managing your money
11. Smart Stcp Si: STLP Through 277
The wilderness: Overcoming special challenges
12. Smart Stcp Scvcn: STLP Ovcr 295
Into the Promised Land

Rcsourccs lor Stcplamilics and Churchcs 303
Notcs 307
11
Foreword
N
ot all stcplamilics arc alikc. Somc havc young childrcn, othcrs,
tccnagcrs or young adults. Somc arc thc rcsult ol divorcc, whilc
othcrs comc altcr thc dcath ol a spousc. Howcvcr, thcrc is onc
thing cvcry stcplamily has in common: lamily mcmlcrs havc a history that
involvcd at lcast onc othcr parcnt and spousc. Mcmorics ol thc past may lc
plcasant or painlul, lut thosc mcmorics do inucncc attitudcs and cmotions.
Thc high divorcc ratc in rst marriagcs indicatcs that luilding a loving,
supportivc, caring marital rclationship is not casy. Howcvcr, thosc who
succccd nd marriagc to lc vcry satislying. Thc lact that thc divorcc ratc
is highcr lor sccond marriagcs indicatcs that luilding a sccond marriagc
is cvcn morc dimcult. Thosc who succccd nd it worth thc cfort.
For thosc who havc lccn widowcd, thc rst marriagc may havc lccn a
wondcrlul rclationship or onc with many strugglcs. Il thc rclationship was
lullling, thcy anticipatc thc sccond marriagc will lc lully as good as thc
rst. But without hclp, many ol thcm may lc disappointcd.
Almost cvcry wcck somconc says to mc, Havc you writtcn anything on
llcndcd lamilics (somctimcs thcy say stcplamilics). My answcr is always
thc samc: No, lut I know somconc who has. I thcn rccommcnd The Smart
Stepfamily ly Ron Dcal. I rccommcnd this look with condcncc lccausc I
know thc idcas that Ron sharcs arc practical. Thc rst cdition ol thc look
madc a vital contrilution to thc cld ol marriagc and lamily ministry. Ron
was onc ol thc rst to idcntily thc challcngcs ol stcplamilics and to ofcr
a road to succcss. Many pastors and counsclors usc The Smart Stepfamily
in thcir prcmarital counscling lor couplcs who arc gctting marricd lor thc
12
For ewor d
sccond or third timc. Parcnt cducators usc it in hclping thosc parcnts who
arc lringing childrcn into a ncw lamily sctting.
The Smart Stepfamily has awakcncd thc church to thc nccd ol stcplamily
ministry. I rcmcmlcr thc couplc who said to mc a ycar altcr I had rccom-
mcndcd thc look, Thanks lor sharing with us Ron Dcals look on stcp-
lamilics. It has lccn a lilcsavcr lor us. I will continuc to highly rccommcnd
this look to all couplcs who arc involvcd in lringing two lamilics togcthcr.
This ncw cdition is packcd with cvcn morc practical tools to strcngthcn
stcplamilics. It also includcs inlormation lor couplcs who arc dating and
contcmplating crcating a stcplamily. Thc rcscarch in thc look has lccn
updatcd and ncw guidancc is givcn on moncy managcmcnt and cstatc plan-
ning, which arc oltcn arcas ol conict in stcplamilics. Ron discusscs thc pros
and cons ol adoption. You will also nd rcalistic ways to approach stcp-
silling rclationships, parcnt alicnation syndromc, and adult stcplamilics.
Onc ol thc rcasons this look is so hclplul to couplcs is that Ron docs
not writc lrom an ivory towcr. For twcnty ycars hc has invcstcd his lilc in
hclping couplcs crcatc hcalthy rclationships. As a counsclor, hc has takcn
couplcs whcrc thcy arc and lcd thcm to whcrc thcy wantcd to lc whcn thcy
got marricd. No onc cntcrs a sccond marriagc with thc dcsirc to rcpcat thc
lailurcs ol thc rst. And yct, without hclp, many ol thcm do.
Not cvcryonc can nd a counsclor who is cquippcd to dcal with thc
common strugglcs ol stcplamilics. Howcvcr, whcn you rcad The Smart
Stepfamily you will nd yourscll sitting in thc omcc ol a counsclor with
grcat cpcricncc.
No two stcplamilics arc alikc, lut this look ofcrs clcar advicc on how
to solvc thc common challcngcs laccd ly all who cntcr a sccond marriagc
with childrcn. I highly rccommcndcd thc rst cdition, and I am cvcn morc
ccitcd alout this ncw cdition.
Gary Chapman, PhD, author ol The Five Love Languages
13
Preface to the Revised Edition
A
lot has happcncd sincc 1997, whcn I rst startcd writing this
look (which was rst pullishcd in 2002). Morc spccically,
a lot has happcncd with lamilics and with mc pcrsonally,
togcthcr thcsc changcs ncccssitatcd in my mind thc nccd lor a rcviscd and
cpandcd cdition ol this look. Morc on thcsc changcs in a momcnt.
A lcw things, howcvcr, havc not changcd. For onc, thc corc principlcs ol
this lookwhich work, ly thc way. Thousands havc writtcn mc through thc
ycars cprcssing thcir apprcciation lor thc kcy stcps outlincd in this look.
Considcr this post lrom Lisa:
I rcad The Smart Stepfamily lour ycars ago whcn I rcmarricd. It was such a
hclp and truly hclpcd mc to STAY marricd! You hclpcd mc rcalizc how dil-
cult stcplamily londing would lc and you wcrc right! My rst marriagc ol
twcnty-onc ycars cndcd quitc suddcnly. Whcn I rcmarricd, my thrcc daughtcrs
wcrc scvcntccn, ninctccn, and twcnty-onc. My stcpson was ninctccn, and his
dad, my now husland, had lccn singlc lor ltccn ycars lclorc wc marricd.
Onc ycar altcr wc marricd, my stcpson camc to livc with us lor two ycars.
Thcn my youngcst daughtcr movcd in! Your wisc advicc hclpcd mc to lc
ctrcmcly paticnt, and slowly all thc rclationships arc stalilizing.
Lisa, likc many pcoplc, cpcricnccd multiplc transitions and dynamics
in hcr lamily that shc couldnt control, lut thc principlcs shc lcarncd in
this look prcparcd hcr to copc.
I could also tcll you ol othcrs who havc lcncttcd lrom this look. For
camplc, I could tcll you alout a widow and widowcr who marricd latcr
1+
Pr ef ace t o t he Revi sed Edi t i on
in lilc and lound marriagc and stcpparcnting lar morc dimcult than thcy
had anticipatcd, lut who now havc a hcalthy, growing lamily.
I could tcll you alout a couplc with a complicatcd history, including
multiplc divorccs, scvcn childrcn, lour grandchildrcn, sulstantial nancial
asscts, and a ncw child lorn to thc marriagc, that is strong and loving cach
othcr through challcngcs with c-spouscs and canccr.
I could tcll you alout dating couplcs who dccidcd to givc morc timc to
dating lclorc jumping into marriagc only to writc mc a lcw ycars into thc
marriagc and thank mc lor hclping to casc thcir transition to lccoming a
lamily. Apparcntly thcir paticncc paid of.
I could tcll you alout dating couplcs who dccidcd not to marry at all
and thankcd mc lor hclping thcm to dodgc a lullct.
And I could tcll you alout a dcdicatcd thirty-ycar-old Christian who
shoutcd cuss words at hcr lathcr whcn hc told hcr hc was gctting rcmar-
ricd, lut who vc ycars latcr was showcring words ol lovc and amrmation
on hcr stcpmom on a national radio lroadcast. Thcy wcrc all hclpcd ly
this lookand I lclicvc you will lc too, il you apply thc conccpts to your
lamily with wisdom and praycr.
But whilc thc corc principlcs ol thc rst cdition ol this look havc not
changcd (I think youll lovc thc ncw matcrial addcd to this rcviscd cdition),
somc things havc. From a cultural pcrspcctivc, stcplamilics, lor camplc,
havc lccomc cvcn morc prcvalcnt in Amcrican socicty and in culturcs around
thc world than thcy wcrc twclvc ycars ago. Onc study lound that in Amcrica
today, +0 pcrccnt ol marricd couplcs with childrcn arc stcpcouplcs (a tcrm
I will usc throughout thc look to rclcr to couplcs in which onc or loth
ol thcm had a child lrom a prcvious rclationship lclorc thcy marricd).
1

Thc spccic statistics vary ly racc (55 pcrccnt ol Alrican Amcrican, 39
pcrccnt ol whitc, and 36 pcrccnt ol Hispanic marricd couplcs with kids
arc stcpcouplcs), lut thc conclusion is thc samcstcplamilics arc part ol
thc norm in our culturc, comprising a hugc pcoplc group that must lc
considcrcd part ol mainstrcam Amcrican lilc.
This incrcasc in stcplamilics has also lccn witncsscd in countrics around
thc world. Whcn I rst rclcascd this look, I had no idca it would lc pur-
chascd in placcs likc Australia, Grcat Britain, South Alrica, Canada, Singa-
porc, Ncw Zcaland, ctc., or that I would lc intcrvicwcd ly rcportcrs and
radio lroadcastcrs throughout thc world. I supposc, though, I should havc
15
anticipatcd that thc numlcr ol stcplamilics around thc world would in-
crcasc, and with it, thc dcmand lor practical hclp.
Many othcr social changcs havc occurrcd as wcll:
Thc most common socictal tcrm lor stcplamilics has shiltcd lrom
stcplamily to llcndcd lamily (although in Luropc and Australia thc
most commonly scarchcd tcrm is still stepfamily or a dcrivativc, such
as stepparent).
Blcndcd lamilics and cohaliting stcpcouplcs (87 pcrccnt ol cohalit-
ing couplcs with childrcn arc stcpcouplcs)
2
arc a common prcmisc
lor TV shows and movics.
Thcrc is a national Stcplamily Day (Scptcmlcr 16).
Stcplamily ministry has slowly lccomc a rccognizcd arca ol marriagc
and lamily ministry.
I should mcntion hcrc that thc original cdition ol this look concludcd
with a chaptcr on stcplamily ministry and thc church. My cditor askcd
mc why a look lor stcpcouplcs nccdcd a chaptcr on ministry. I dclcndcd
thc stratcgy ly saying, You must undcrstand that couplcs in stcplamilics
arc thc oncs starting small groups and tcaching ministrics, not thc pastors.
Its grassroots at this point. Wc havc to cmpowcr couplcs to do this or it
wont gct donc. That was truc at thc timc. Howcvcr, Im plcascd to say
that thc tidc has shiltcd, now it is pastors who primarily ask lor training,
rcsourccs, or conlcrcncc cvcnts in thcir churchcs. Though I still want to
cncouragc couplcs to ignitc ministry groups in thcir communitics, wc optcd
in this cdition ol thc look to dclctc thc chaptcr on stcplamily ministry
(in part to makc room lor morc contcnt on stcplamily living). Howcvcr,
you can acccss that and othcr lrcc lonus matcrial at SmartStcplamilics
.com/vicw/lcarn.
Thcrc has also lccn an incrcasc in stcplamily rcscarch, wc simply know
morc alout stcplamilics than wc uscd to. Spccically, wc know morc alout
what makcs stcplamilics work and how thcy can ovcrcomc thcir challcngcs.
I will ofcr thcsc ncw insights throughout this cdition.
Thcrc havc lccn a lot ol changcs in my lilc as wcll that havc changcd
my writing, spcaking, and insight into stcplamily living (anyonc who tclls
you that thc pcrsonal livcs ol authors docsnt impact thcir writing is sorcly
16
misguidcd). In lricl, a lamily tragcdy has changcd mc and has opcncd my
cycs to what thc rst volumc ol this look lailcd to ofcr.
Ill sharc morc dctails throughout this look, lut in 2009, my middlc
son, Connor, dicd at thc agc ol twclvc. His lody was attackcd ly MRSA,
a staph inlcction that no onc saw coming. His journcy lrom rst symptom
to dcath lastcd just tcn days. My lamilys journcy through gricl will last
until wc mcct him again in ctcrnity. Ivc sharcd various aspccts ol this
cpcricncc in othcr looks, The Smart Stepdad and Dating and the Single
Parent spccically, and Ivc talkcd alout my loss in conlcrcnccs throughout
thc country. Whcn I lookcd lack at thc rst cdition ol this look, I rcalizcd
I nccdcd to say morc alout thc impact ol gricl. Loss is a univcrsal cpcri-
cncc among loth childrcn and adults in stcplamilics. Losing a child is in
somc ways lar difcrcnt lrom losing a spousc to dcath or lor a child losing
thcir lamily to divorcc, lut in othcr ways, it is vcry similar. Throughout
this rcviscd cdition, I will sharc with you my insights and lcssons lcarncd
as thcy pcrtain to loss, your lamily, parcnting, and trusting again.
For ovcr a dccadc this look has, to my dclight, ofcrcd practical hclp
to lamilics around thc world. A lcw things havc changcd ovcr that timc, a
lcw things havcnt. Onc morc that hasnt changcd is my dcsirc to lring a
llcssing to your homc. I pray that somcthing you rcad ofcrs hopc, promisc,
and practical hclp lor your lilc.
To lcarn morc alout thc nonprot wc havc crcatcd in Connors mcmory and to hcar
his lcautilul voicc, visit ConnorsSong.com.
The following Bonus Material and Deleted Chapters
from the first edition are available free online:
Smart Questions, Smart AnswersTopics include difficult ex-spouses,
the needs of children, co-parenting strategies, stepparenting, military
stepfamilies, dealing with family conflict, stepgrandparenting, and more.
Ministering to StepfamiliesI estimate that traditional marriage ministry
and parent training are about half of what stepfamily couples need.
Learn what your congregation can do to prevent redivorce and break
the generational cycle of divorce.
This and more is available at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.
17
Acknowledgments
for the Revised and Expanded Edi ti on
T
hc dcdication ol Bcthany Housc Pullishcrs to cnriching thc livcs
ol stcplamilics is amazing. Whcn I wrotc thc rst cdition ol this
look, I had no idca that Bcthany Housc and I would go on to
pullish many morc looks togcthcr or that thcy would comc to mc a dccadc
altcr this look was rst rclcascd and inquirc alout a rcviscd and cpandcd
cdition. Thcy havc takcn many risks on lchall ol llcndcd lamilics and
arc to lc commcndcd. It has lccn a wondcrlul partncrship. To cvcryonc
at Bcthany Housc, I say thank you. Spccically, I should mcntion Lllcn
Chalilou, Carra Carr, Brctt Bcnson, Tim Pctcrson, |ulic Smith, Stcvc
Oatcs, and |im Parrish. What a tcam!
To my agcnt, Chip MacGrcgor, again I say, Yourc thc lcst. Two parts
coach, onc part counsclor, thrcc parts stratcgist, and lcst-part lricnd.
Nan, nonc ol this would happcn without your support. Thanks lor
tolcrating my vc a.m. writing schcdulc. And thank you lor giving your
llcssing lor mc to sharc our sacrcd sorrow alout Connor with othcrs.
A vcry spccial word ol apprcciation gocs to all thc lamilics who havc
sharcd thcir livcs and storics with mc through thc ycars. You havc taught
mc much alout thc stcplamily journcy and in turn havc lccn a llcssing
to othcrs.
And nally, to thc Onc who givcs mc ctcrnal hopc and lilc and purposc,
I havc vcry littlc to givc lut my praisc. Its all yours.
19
Acknowledgments
for the Fi rst Edi ti on
L
ikc any hcalthy stcplamily, this look has takcn a long timc to dc-
vclop. And likc any hcalthy stcplamily, this look is thc rcsult ol a
carclul intcgration ol pcoplc, idcas, lackgrounds, and rclationships.
I am gratclul to so many who havc ofcrcd thcir cncouragcmcnt and talcnt
along thc waythis look could not havc lccn crcatcd without your hclp.
Spccial apprcciation gocs to Ashlcigh Short Givcns and David and Rollic
Hutchins lor thcir carly rcvicws ol thc manuscript and tcchnical writing
input. You hclpcd this projcct gct noticcd and ultimatcly pullishcdthank
you. Also, a spccial thank-you gocs to Rclccca Warnick lor hcr admin-
istrativc support and to thc Southwcst Church ol Christ cldcrs lor thcir
cncouragcmcnt. Your vision lor a lamily ministry that ctcnds lcyond thc
|oncsloro community has rcsultcd in a ministry whosc lordcrs, ly Gods
gracc, arc cpanding daily. I couldnt havc donc this without your llcssing.
Othcrs whosc lricndship and prolcssionalism havc madc this journcy
possillc includc H. Norman Wright, Stcvc Laulc and thc Bcthany Housc
tcam, Dr. Margoric Lngcl and thc Stcplamily Association ol Amcricas
loard ol dircctors and institutc laculty, and thc rcscarchcrs and clinicians
whosc work is rclcrcnccd throughout this look. I must cspccially acknowl-
cdgc thc work and inucncc ol Dr. Lmily Vishcr, whosc lilc has comc to an
cnd, lut whosc inspiration and rcscarch will livc on. This look stands on
thc shouldcrs ol hcr scholarly rcscarch, sharcd writing with hcr husland,
20
Acknowl edgment s
|ohn, and pcrsonal stcplamily cpcricncc. Yct cqually impacting was hcr
cncouragcmcnt ol mc as a young writcr and tcachcr. I am ccccdingly
gratclul lor hcr inucncc and wisdom. Also, to thc original Southwcst
Stcp-ly-Stcp cducation group, I say thanks. You loldly supportcd cach
othcr and sharcd your storics with mc so that I might hclp othcrs. You
havc llcsscd my lilc, I hopc you havc lccn llcsscd in rcturn.
To my dcarcst lricnds and spiritual partncrs, Randy and |udy Lcwis,
Grcgg and Llisa Bardcn, Shawn and Arlcnc Maycs, and |cf and Misty
Floydyour cncouragcmcnt and laith havc challcngcd mc to lc uscd ly
God through this look and scminar ministry. Lcts givc him thc glory!
21
Introduction
H
avc you cvcr tricd to put togcthcr a 3-D jigsaw puzzlc without
instructions and without a picturc on thc lo to show you what
thc nal product should look likc Try adding a llindlold. Sounds
impossillc, docsnt it In lact, it may not cvcn sound lun to try. Attcmpt
to comlinc mcmlcrs ol two (or morc) difcrcnt houscholds and youll
cncountcr similar lrustrations.
Putting togcthcr or integrating a stcplamily is onc ol thc most dimcult
tasks lor any lamily in Amcrica today. Intcgration involvcs comlining two
uniquc lamily historics and stylcs, various pcrsonalitics and prclcrcnccs,
difcring traditions, rclational pasts and loyaltics. Yct most pcoplc makc
thc dccision to lring two lamilics togcthcr without consulting any guidc-
lincs or instructions or taking thc timc to dcvclop a sharcd imagc ol what
thc nal jigsaw puzzlc will look likc (c.g., how thc stcplamily will lccl,
opcratc, and conduct itscll). Blindcd with a wcll-intcntioncd ignorancc,
couplcs march down thc aislc a sccond or third timc only to discovcr that
thc luilding proccss is much morc dimcult than thcy anticipatcd, cspccially
in thc lcginning.
But hcrcs thc good ncws that thousands ol couplcs and lamilics havc
lcarncd lrom rcading this look: Takc your llindlold of and lcarn what a
hcalthy llcndcd lamily is and docs, and thc odds ol your succcss incrcasc
dramatically. Whcn you know how to lc a smart stcplamily, intcgration,
or thc mcrging ol your two lamilics, is accclcratcd and thc rcwards to loth
childrcn and adults incrcasc dramatically.
22
I nt r oduct i on
Working Smarter, Not Harder
Thc purposc ol this look is to givc you a hcalthy picturc ol a succcsslul
stcplamily. And lclicvc it or not, it can lc donc if you work smartcr, not
hardcr. Working smartcr csscntially mcans undcrstanding thc dynamics ol
stcplamily lilc and dcvclopmcnt and making intcntional dccisions alout
how you will grow togcthcr cmotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.
In thc look The Smart Stepmom, Laura Pcthcrlridgc and I tcll thc story
ol a ncvcr-marricd lorty-somcthing woman who lccamc a stcpmothcr
whcn shc marricd a man with thrcc tccnagc daughtcrs. Thc rst couplc
ol ycars shc and hcr husland strugglcd with parcnting issucs, no mattcr
what thc suljcct, thcy sccmcd to cnd up on difcrcnt sidcs. Thcn onc day
somcthing dawncd on thc stcpmom. Shc put it this way, I just gurcd out
that I livc in a stcplamily, lut my husland docsnt. What shc mcant was
that hcr husland was a marricd man with thrcc daughtcrs and didnt scc
his rclationship with his wilc or kids as compcting, nor did hc lccl likc
hc was choosing sidcs il hc sharcd a daughtcrs pcrspcctivc with his wilc.
Howcvcr, thc cpcricncc ol thc homc lor thc stcpmom was vcry difcrcnt.
Shc constantly lclt on pins and nccdlcs trying to gain lavor with thc girls
and status as a parcnt gurc, and shc lclt jcalous ol hcr huslands attcmpts
to gct hcr to scc things lrom thc kids point ol vicw.
That insight not only madc hcr smartcr, it causcd hcr to stop working
hardcr. For camplc, shc lct go ol thc lccling that shc had to gct hcr hus-
land to scc cvcrything lrom hcr pcrspcctivc (somcthing that causcd hcr to
arguc with him to no cnd). This gavc lirth to a strangc pcacc within hcr
cvcn whcn hcr husland sccmcd not to undcrstand hcr plight as a stcpmom.
How could hc undcrstand His cpcricncc ol thc lamily was going to lc
difcrcnt. Didnt this mcan shc was going to lc isolatcd in hcr cpcricncc
Adult Stepfamilies
Later-life couples with adult children, or what we might call adult stepfamilies,
often mistakenly assume that because their children are out of the home the
family wont have difficulty integrating. They quickly realize that they have
just as many adjustments and challenges as stepfamilies with younger chil-
dren. The specific stressors will vary, but the emotional demands are similar.
23
I nt r oduct i on
Ironically, no. Oncc shc rclacd lrom trying to changc hcr huslands mind
all thc timc, shc noticcd that hc had lccn prioritizing hcr all along. Lach
smart stcp rcsultcd in anothcr smart stcp that gradually, lut powcrlully,
shiltcd thc lamily toward hcalth. Not cvcry aspcct ol thc lamily lccamc
comlortallc, lut many things improvcd signicantly.
Il you arc currcntly marricd and pcrhaps nding that your thrcc-dimcn-
sional puzzlc is rcsting on a lragilc loundation, rcad this look with an cyc
lor what you can changc. Oncc youvc dcvclopcd concrctc idcas lor putting
thc picccs ol your lamily togcthcr, lcgin working thc plan cautiously lut
with much dctcrmination. Youll lc amazcd at Gods powcr to hcal your
hcartachcs and turn your unstallc or crumlling puzzlc into an cdicc that
is salc, lcautilul, and luilt on a rm loundation.
Il you arc currcntly singlc, divorccd, or widowcd and arc considcring
marriagc, and il onc or loth ol you havc childrcn, youvc turncd to thc
right sourcc. Thcrc arc many hiddcn challcngcs in stcplamily lilc, and you
nccd to lc as prcparcd as you possilly can lc. Taking of your llindlold and
sccing clcarly thc journcy ahcad is thc lcst choicc you can makc. Indccd,
your dccision to lorm a stcplamily ly marriagc nccds to lc an inlormcd
choicc, othcrwisc you may rcgrct thc dccision oncc thc challcngcs hit you
hcad-on. Smart stcplamilics can lring grcat joy and lulllmcnt to thc livcs
ol childrcn and adults. But plcasc undcrstand that a grcat dcal ol work
and dctcrmination arc rcquircd to dcvclop a hcalthy stcplamily. You can-
not aford to go into marriagc armcd only with lcttcr than last timc
intcntions. Thc proccss dcmands that you know and undcrstand morc
than that. This look will tcll you what you nccd to know.
Plcasc know that this look has grown out ol thc lclicl that thc homc
is thc primary contct in which wc lcarn and cpcricncc thc charactcr ol
lovc. It is my rm lclicl that stcplamilics, just as liological lamilics, can
lc homcs ol lovc. Comparcd to liological lamilics, a lcw challcngcs will
lc difcrcnt and somc will lc thc samc. But lovc can lc what holds thc
jigsaw picccs ol thc smart stcplamily togcthcr, rcsulting not in a lunch ol
lrokcn, disconncctcd picccs, lut a homc.
I am morc optimistic than cvcr alout thc rcdcmptivc powcr ol hcalthy
stcplamilics. Ill talk alout this lurthcr in chaptcr 1, lut you should know
right now that God wants to work through your currcnt marriagc, par-
cnting, and lamily rclationships to rcdccm your story ol loss, sadncss,
2+
I nt r oduct i on
hcartlrcak, and lrokcnncss, to ofcr hcaling, and to turn your homc into
a havcn ol salcty that llcsscs your childrcn. How lilc is now and how you
got hcrc may not havc lccn how you would havc writtcn thc script, lut
givcn that yourc in thc middlc ol thc story alrcady, God wants to author
a rcdcmptivc narrativc to thc rcmaining chaptcrs. Your lamily story is still
lcing writtcn and thc lcst is yct to comc.
Now, spcaking ol a story, lct mc givc you somc pcrspcctivc on thc typical
stcplamily story . . . lrom lcginning to cnd, or should I say, lrom Lgypt to
thc Promiscd Land.
Thc pcoplc ol Isracl groancd lccausc ol thcir slavcry
and cricd out lor hclp. Thcir cry lor rcscuc lrom slav-
cry camc up to God. And God hcard thcir groaning,
and God rcmcmlcrcd his covcnant with Alraham,
with Isaac, and with |acol. God saw thc pcoplc ol Is-
racland God kncw. Hc was conccrncd alout thcm.]
Lodus 2:2325
P A R T O N E
Headed for the
Promised Land!
C
an you imaginc what lrccdom must havc lccn likc to thc Isracl-
itcs For somc lour hundrcd ycars thcy had lccn opprcsscd ly
thc Lgyptians, hcld in londagc against thcir will, and lorccd to
livc as slavcs. For ycars thc Lord had hcard thcir crics, and now thc timc
had nally comc lor lrccdom. Its hard to imaginc thc joy, rclicl, and uttcr
culcrancc thc Israclitcs must havc lclt. Thcy wcrc going homc! But whcrc,
cactly, was homc
Moscs, a rathcr unsung hcro at thc timc, through Gods powcr had
lccomc thcir lcadcr. A pillar ol cloud ly day and a pillar ol rc ly night
madc it olvious that God was lcading his pcoplc to thc Promiscd Land.
Yct thc joy and cclclration ol lcing sct lrcc was soon qucnchcd whcn thc
Israclitcs lound thcmsclvcs hcmmcd in ly thc Rcd Sca on onc sidc and an
angry Pharaohwho had changcd his mind alout lctting thcm goand
his army on thc othcr. In thcir tcrror thc Israclitcs cricd out,
Is it lccausc thcrc arc no gravcs in Lgypt that you havc takcn us away to dic
in thc wildcrncss What havc you donc to us in lringing us out ol Lgypt
Is not this what wc said to you in Lgypt: Lcavc us alonc that wc may scrvc
28
Headed for t he Pr omi sed Land!
thc Lgyptians For it would havc lccn lcttcr lor us to scrvc thc Lgyptians
than to dic in thc wildcrncss.
Lodus 1+:1112
Did you catch that Isnt it amazing how quickly, whcn undcr durcss,
thc Israclitcs changcd thcir tunc |ust a lcw days lclorc thcy had sccn thc
mighty hand ol God work on thcir lchall. |ust a lcw days had passcd sincc
miraclcs had takcn placc to lrcc thcm, and yct thcir joy and cclclration
turncd to scll-pity in a hcartlcat. Certainly we are going to die because
of our horrible leader, Moses, thcy thought. What havc you donc to us
thcy accuscd. And thcn youll scc, in my opinion, thc most lascinating
aspcct ol thcir rcsponsc: It would havc lccn lcttcr lor us to scrvc thc
Lgyptians. This suggcsts thcy wcrc longing for the circumstances of slavery
and oppression over freedom. Frccdom lrom slavcry was what thc Israclitcs
plcadcd lor and yct opprcssion and londagc actually lccamc attractivc to
thcm as soon as thc journcy lccamc dimcult. Thcir trust was gonc, thcir
scll-pity took ovcr, and thcy longcd lor salcty. Thc sccurity ol slavcry was
oltcn morc inviting than thc insccurity ol travcling an unmarkcd road to
an unknown dcstination. Thcy just hadnt lcarncd how to trust God to
givc purposc and provision in unlamiliar tcrritory.
Many stcplamilics walk a similar path.
29
1
Through Wilderness Wanderings
Is it lccausc thcrc arc no gravcs in Lgypt that you havc takcn
us away to dic in thc wildcrncss What havc you donc to us in
lringing us out ol Lgypt Is not this what wc said to you in
Lgypt: Lcavc us alonc that wc may scrvc thc Lgyptians For
it would havc lccn lcttcr lor us to scrvc thc Lgyptians than to
dic in thc wildcrncss.
And Moscs said to thc pcoplc, Fcar not, stand rm, and scc
thc salvation ol thc Lord, which hc will work lor you today.
Lodus 1+:1113
D
isillusionmcnt is ncarly a univcrsal cpcricncc lor thc adults in
stcplamilics, and it oltcn occurs within a couplc ol ycars. Bclicv-
ing that rcmarriagc will rclcasc thcm lrom thc londagc ol divorcc,
loss, lonclincss, and painlul cmotions, couplcs load up thcir childrcn and
posscssions and launch into thc wildcrncss toward thc Promiscd Land ol
marriagc and lamily lilc. Thc wcdding sccms to mark a rclcasc lrom op-
prcssion. At last, thcy think, I am loved and important again. I am free
from the connes of single-parent living and my children will have the
benet of a two-parent family. This is going to be great!
1
30
But just as with thc Israclitcs, what oltcn occurs lor couplcs in stcp-
lamilics is a shilt lrom cclclration and positivc cpcctation to scll-pity.
Thc rcalitics and challcngcs ol stcplamily living ovcrwhclm unrcalistic
lantasics, and disillusionmcnt scts in.
Rcmarriagc or a stcplamily marriagc lor most adults sccms to lc thcir
sccond (or third) chancc on lilc. Alrcady lilc hasnt workcd out thc way thcy
planncd, and to somc dcgrcc or anothcr lilc has lccn painlul. But things
arc looking upthcyvc lallcn in lovc again and thc drcam ol a normal
lamily lilc has rcturncd. A ncw journcy ol hopc has lcgun.
Thc journcy, howcvcr, almost always takcs somc uncpcctcd turns. For
camplc, your spouscs dcdication to his or hcr childrcn was nollc lclorc
thc wcdding, lut now sccms to lc a challcngc to your marriagc, a tccnagcr
living in onc ol thc othcr homcs dccidcs to livc with you, parcnting stylcs
difcr morc than you cpcctcd, and conict crupts lrcqucntly. Thc trip is
llcd with unccrtainty, and couplcs rcalizc thcy lccl lost much ol thc timc.
Likc thc Israclitcs, pcoplc somctimcs think, Is this marriagc going to dic,
too Who is to llamc lor lringing mc out to thc wildcrncss I lccl
trappcdmaylc it would havc lccn lcttcr to stay in Lgypt. Mcanwhilc,
thc daily grind ol stcplamily lilc continucs and progrcss is slow. It sccms
likc lcing lost in thc wildcrncss.
Lct mc pausc lor a momcnt and makc a quick prcdiction. Thosc ol you
who wcrc lccling disillusioncd lclorc you pickcd up this look arc now
thinking, Oh my, has Ron lccn pccking in our windows How did hc
know I lclt this way On thc othcr hand, thosc ol you who havcnt yct
rcachcd a placc whcrc you lccl caught lctwccn Pharaoh and his army and
thc Rcd Scausually dating or rcccntly rcmarricd couplcsarc thinking,
What is Ron trying to do, scarc us to dcath
Lct mc assurc you, Im not trying to lc a pcssimist or a killjoy. I am
trying to lc rcalistic. I havc spcnt morc than twcnty ycars as a stcplamily
thcrapist, coach, cducator, and rcscarchcr, and Ivc hcard thc storics cnough
to know what is normal. Thcrc arc somc stcplamilics whosc journcy lrom
Lgypt to thc Promiscd Land is quick and painlcss, lut lor thc vast majority,
thc journcy takcs much longcr than anticipatcd. Bccausc I carc alout your
lamily, I promisc to shoot straight with youmorc important, I promisc
to guidc you through thc wildcrncss. But you do nccd to acknowlcdgc that
lccling lost in thc wildcrncss is par lor thc coursc.
31
Thr ough Wi l der nes s Wander i ngs
Lct mc sharc a difcrcnt situation that is similar in crcating disillusion-
mcnt. Sincc thc dcath ol my son (thc Prclacc providcs somc lackground
to his dcath), I havc a wholc ncw sct ol
lilc issucs and circumstanccs that makc
mc lccl lost much ol thc timc. How do I
gricvc wcll How do I hclp my wilc and
othcr two sons gricvc How do I parcnt
my sonswhcn should compassion lor
thcir sadncss modcratc my cpcctations
and whcn docs sympathy gct in thc way ol
instruction and disciplinc Whcn will this
gcncralizcd dcprcssion alout lilc go away,
and how do I lunction as a lathcr, hus-
land, and cmploycc in thc mcantimc Will
lilc cvcr lccl normal again Do I always
tcll cvcry ncw pcrson I mcct alout Con-
nor, and what do I do whcn thcy quickly
skip ovcr or at-out ignorc thc largcst piccc ol my lilc story What do I
havc to do to lccl normal in a crowd ol pcoplc, instcad ol odd and likc
an outsidcr
Its my gucss that you, too, havc a sct ol unanswcrcd qucstions likc this.
Thcrc is a ncw normal in my lilc and yoursand much ol it is unwclcomcd.
Much ol it is not within our control and wc havc to nd our way through.
Thcrcs no going lack. With Gods hclp, wc will nd our way through thc
wildcrncss. As I implicd, nding our way starts in part ly acknowlcdging
common stcplamily strugglcs and lcclings in thc journcy.
Dont Look Now; Were Being Pursued!
|ust as thc Israclitcs lound thcmsclvcs caught lctwccn thc Rcd Sca and
Pharaohs army, so stcpcouplcs lrcqucntly nd thcmsclvcs caught lctwccn
thc luturc and thc past. Bchind thcm, dclilitating pain and loss lrom thc
days ol londagc (divorcc or dcath ol a spousc) arc quickly pursuing. In
thc prcscnt, lcclings ol angcr, rcscntmcnt, rcjcction, and guilt siphon cn-
crgy lrom pcoplcs cmotional tanks, whilc losscs too numcrous to count
(cspccially lor childrcn) makc lor cautious cmotional invcstmcnts with ncw
Hold on to Hope
Because Hope deferred makes
the heart sick, but a desire ful-
filled is a tree of life (Proverbs
13:12), make sure to hold on
to hope. A common emotional
experience for couples is first
anticipation and excitement,
then disillusionment and fear,
then struggle and discourage-
ment, then satisfaction and
safety. Allow hope to see you
through each season.
32
stcplamily mcmlcrs. In short, thc pain ol thc past makcs lor a trcmcndous
lcar ol thc luturc. Considcr thcsc statcmcnts lrom thc Thomas lamily:
Bioiocit:i mo+nii, Mic:: Im afraid its not going to work, and well
get divorced. And then three times Ive failed. Im afraid Frank [her new
husband] is going to get aggravated with his stepchildrenmy kidsand
hes going to walk because as hes already said, Theres only so much I can
take. Im afraid my kids are going to turn against me because they didnt
want Frank as their stepfather. It would just be another failure.
Oibii so, |on (:ci sivi+ii): Im afraid of getting close to anyone.
Im not very trusting. With all Ive had to live through, I keep waiting for
it to happen all over againthe constant blaming and getting stuck in the
middle. And I wont let it ever happen again.
Mibbii b:tcn+ii, Sts: (:ci iii+ii): I aint afraid of nothing. Im not
scared of anything. I mean, if you broke up, it wouldnt be the rst time. I
might be a little worried where wed go or something like that. But as far
as you breaking up, I mean, two times gets you ready for it to happen at
any moment.
Yotcii so, R:bv (:ci ioti+ii): I try to get closer sometimes but
then the fear happens and I hide out from doing things with Frank and keep
farther apart from him than I should be. . . . I want to get close, but not too
close, for fear of something that might happen in the future.
S+iii:+nii, Fi:x: rcgarding his marriagc] Im afraid to be in another
relationship where Im nobody and have no say about whats going on in the
house. Rcgarding thc stcpchildrcn] Im afraid that if we dont change things
right away, theyre going to grow up and well never have a relationship. Theyll
just be stepkids who come and visit at holidays. I dont want it to be that way.
Its casy to hcar that thc pain ol thcir past is driving thcir lcars ol thc
luturc, which, in turn, is lcading thcm to lc guardcd and untrusting in thc
prcscnt. Il thcsc hcartachcs and losscs arc not succcsslully rcsolvcd lor this
lamily (and yours), thc rcsult will lc a tircd, disillusioncd couplc unallc
to draw closc to cach othcr, lct alonc mcct thc cmotional nccds ol thcir
childrcn. Painlul cmotions lrom thc past must lc rcsolvcd in ordcr lor you
and your childrcn to movc on.
33
Facing a Sea of Opposition
Blcndcd lamilics lacc a Sca ol Opposition. Common unchartcd watcrs
includc:
achicving marital intimacy altcr lcing hurt
parcnting and stcpparcnting rolcs and rulcs
qucstions ol spiritual intcgrity and church involvcmcnt
how to intcgratc thc mcmlcrs ol a stcplamily ovcr timc
dcaling with c-spouscs and co-parcnting issucs
hclping childrcn cmotionally and spiritually
handling scual prcssurcs lctwccn stcpsillings
issucs ol moncy managcmcnt and nancial autonomy
Bc carclul not to lct thcsc common issucs changc thc dircction ol your
hcart. Its not uncommon lor pcrsons to start wondcring, much likc thc
Israclitcs did, il maylc thcy should rcturn to thc londagc ol Lgypt, that is,
divorcc or singlc-parcnt living. Surc, it was miscrallc and unlullling, lut
at lcast thcy kncw what thcy had. Disillusionmcnt givcs lirth to grumlling,
complaining, and conict. Lmotions run high and prollcms cscalatc. Hcrc
is a common story: Thc stcpparcnt, who lrom an outsidcrs position can
morc clcarly scc and lccl thc disharmony in thc homc, oltcn voiccs this
disillusionmcnt rst. Thc liological parcnt, who is still llindcd ly thcir
strong rclationship with thcir childrcn, lrcqucntly discounts thc stcp parcnts
rcqucst lor changc. Slowly lut surcly, this luilds distancc and llamc in thc
Are These Fears Typical?
Not all family members have this much fear. Kids, for example, can some-
times be very excited about the new family, but they can be confused about
it at the same time. Adult fears seem to escalate when dilemmas generate
feelings of uncertainty. Fears are common; dont panic when facing them.
Recognize them and the actions they lead you to take (these actions are
often problematic). Focus on understanding fears and preventing them from
determining your actions. Fearful responses are often experienced by others
as unloving ones.
3+
couplcs rclationship. To makc mattcrs worsc, this oltcn comcs at a timc
whcn thcy arc trying to gurc out how to managc thcir lamily and rcally
cant aford to lc out ol touch.
Thc tcmptation to rcturn to Lgypt continucs: What havc I donc Maylc
I should havc staycd singlc. Maylc God has alandoncd mc. Wrong! Whilc
I doult that thc God ol thc univcrsc will rcvcal a path to you with a cloud
or pillar ol rc as hc did thc Israclitcs, hc has most ccrtainly not alandoncd
you and will providc strcngth and dircction lor your journcy, cvcn whcn
thc path sccms dismal.
Il thcrc is onc mcssagc that stcplamilics nccd to hcar, its this: There is
a stepfamily Promised Land of marital intimacy, interpersonal connected-
ness, and spiritual redemption! God has not abandoned you. If you will
listen, trust, and continue walking by faith, you will hear him conrming
your journey, ofering guidance and healing, and providing a path on dry
ground. But you must trust him. Dont lc likc most rcmarricd couplcs who
cnd thcir journcy in divorcc within thc rst thrcc ycars, thcy quit lclorc
cvcr crossing thc Sca ol Opposition or nding thc rcwards on thc othcr
sidc. God lcckons you to rcmain pcrsistcnt and scc your lamily through
to thc Promiscd Land. Thcrc is a rcward to lc gaincd. But you must hold
Gods hand and walk through your Sca ol Opposition.
Is the Journey Difcult for All Stepfamilies?
Stcplamilics vary grcatly in composition and complcity. Whilc it isnt
always truc, gcncrally spcaking thc grcatcr thc complcity, thc grcatcr thc
lamily strcss. For camplc, somc stcplamilics havc childrcn lrom just onc
spousc and involvc only onc houschold. This usually occurs altcr thc dcath
ol a parcnt and a rcmarriagc to a stcpparcnt without childrcn. (This is not
to imply that thc dcath ol a parcnt makcs stcplamily living casy, it is just
lcss complc.) Othcr stcplamilics arc much morc multilacctcd with yours,
minc, and ours childrcn, two or morc c-spouscs, plcnty ol stcpparcnts
and stcpgrandparcnts, and visitation schcdulcs to multiplc houscholds.
Not all stcplamilics havc a dimcult journcy, lut most will cpcricncc
uncpcctcd challcngcs. Somc will lacc a grcat many larricrs. It is impor-
tant to rcmcmlcr that thc numlcr ol larricrs you lacc rcccts ncithcr on
you nor on whcthcr or not you should havc marricd. Whcn cncountcring
35
opposition, somc pcoplc convincc thcmsclvcs that it wasnt a good idca to
marry in thc rst placc. Thcn thcy lcgin looking lor a way out.
Whcn stcplamily lilc gcts tough, rcmain dcdicatcd to your commitmcnt.
A man oncc drovc si hours to talk with mc alout his stcpchildrcn and
marriagc. Hc hopcd that oncc I hcard him dcscrilc thc Sca ol Opposi-
tions hc was lacing, I would givc him pcrmission to lcavc thc marriagc.
I did not (and hc was tcrrilly annoycd). What I did do was agrcc with him
that thc marriagc, in its prcscnt condition, was not hcalthy, nor was God
honorcd ly an angry, rcscntlul rclationship. I suggcstcd that with guidcd
hclp hc could choosc to work on his marriagc and rcmain opcn to how
thc God ol thc impossillc might providc a path through thc Sca ol Op-
position. Furthcrmorc, avoiding divorcc ly simply tolcrating a miscrallc
marriagc, I suggcstcd, docs not honor God. Commitmcnt rcquircs that you
strivc lor a lcttcr lilc togcthcr, cvcn whcn you dont lccl likc putting lorth
your lcst cfort or havc convinccd yourscll thc marriagc should ncvcr havc
happcncd. Ironically, pcoplc who makc thc cfort oltcn discovcr thc salc
marriagc thcy had givcn up on.
A Quick Word to Dating Couples
To thosc ol you who arc pcrhaps cngagcd or considcring rcmarriagc, I am
so glad you arc rcading this look now. I cant tcll you how many couplcs
attcnding my stcplamily scminars havc said, Why didnt anyonc cvcr tcll
us thcsc things lclorc wc marricd Wc could havc savcd oursclvcs a lot ol
gricl il wc would havc only known. May I suggcst you lcarn lrom thcir
cpcricncc Kccp rcading with thcsc intcntions:
Usc this look to cnlightcn yourscll to thc possillc strugglcs you may
lacc in your stcplamily journcy.
Lquip yourscll and your rclationship with practical stratcgics to mcct
thc challcngcs.
Usc thc storics and inlormation hcrc to hclp you makc an inlormcd
dccision alout marriagc.
Rcmarriagc and stcplamily lilc can lc llcd with many llcssings, lut thc
journcy prolally wont start out that way. Youll havc to work diligcntly
36
to rcach thc Promiscd Land. To that cnd, havc you truly considcrcd thc
costs Do you know what thc costs arc This look will hclp you idcntily
thcm. Ivc also writtcn an cntirc look walking singlc parcnts and thosc
dating thcm through thc proccss ol mccting somconc, dating wcll, making
dccisions alout marriagc, and planning lor stcplamily livingall with an
awarcncss ol thc childrcn throughout thc proccss. I highly rccommcnd you
takc thc timc to rcad Dating and the Single Parent so that you managc your
dating and marital dccisions with wisdom.
In addition, I rccommcnd that you nd a group ol stcplamilics or a stcp-
lamily couplc in your church or community and ask thcm somc qucstions:
What do thcy wish thcy had known lclorc thcy rcmarricd
What arc thcir thrcc grcatcst challcngcs
How could thcy havc lcttcr prcparcd thcmsclvcs lor stcplamily living
What painlul cmotions lrom thc past did thcy not rcsolvc wcll prior
to rcmarriagc
What llcssings havc thcy cpcricnccd at this point in thcir journcy
Thc lurc ol marriagc is trcmcndous. Finally, you think, someone to take
care of me. I feel so good when Im with them. But stcplamily lilc is so
much morc than just your couplc rclationship, it also includcs childrcn, loss,
and a varicty ol lamily complcitics. In liological lamilics, thc couplcs
rclationship (i.c., thc marriagc) providcs thc loundation to thc lamily lrom
day onc. In stcplamilics, thc parcnt-child londs prcdatc thc couplcs rcla-
tionship, oltcn making thc marriagc thc wcakcst rclationship in thc homc
The Wrong Time to Date
Parenting responsibilities should impact the timing of dating. For example,
I discourage dating if one child is struggling with emotional issues (anger
or defiance, depression or anxiety) or is displaying prodigal behavior. These
children need a focused, available parent, not one dividing their time. Plus,
kids dont need to add to their concerns feeling unimportant or in competition
with a parents new love. Help your child through a difficult season, and then
open yourself to romance. This order will also make the childs acceptance of
a new stepfamily more likely should dating lead to marriage.
37
Kids Talk
I wish she would recognize her
own impulsivity and emotional
roller coaster. She does and says
things without recognizing that
to some extent our whole fam-
ily is dating this guy. Rachel,
twenty-two years old
1
and vulncrallc to lamily strcss. Bcing in
lovc with somconc who makcs mc lccl
good again is just thc lcginning ol what
it takcs to survivc. In Dating and the Single
Parent, I put it this way: Couplcncss
docs not ncccssarily lcad to lamilyncss.
Thcy arc two scparatc proccsscs, lalling
in lovc with a pcrson docs not ncccssarily
mcan you can lc a lamily. So plcasc, do
yourscll and your childrcn a lavornd
out cvcrything you can alout stcplamily
living, and count thc cost lclorc dcciding to marry. Il altcr much praycr
and dating you do marry, givc it cvcrything youvc got, and trust God to
lcad you through.
The God Who Heals
Shortly altcr cscaping lrom Pharaohs army, thc Israclitcs journcycd through
thc Dcscrt ol Shur. For thrcc days thcy travclcd, and thc only watcr thcy
lound was littcr and not t lor consumption. Again thc pcoplc complaincd,
and again God providcd lor his pcoplc. God had Moscs throw a piccc ol
wood into thc unpalatallc watcr, turning it swcct. God thcn rclcrs to him-
scll as |chovah-Rophc, thc Loib who hcals you (Lodus 15:26 iiv). In
so doing, God dcclarcs a promisc. Il his pcoplc will listcn to his voicc and
do what is right in his cycs, hc will hcalhc will makc thc littcr watcrs
ol thcir lilc swcct again.
I lclicvc God is waiting lor a chancc to hcal your past hurts and to
climinatc all that pursucs you. But thats not all hc ofcrs. Hc will providc
strcngth to kccp your commitmcnts, and hc will providc wisdom to ovcr-
comc thc olstaclcs that lic ahcad. Hc wants you to lc succcsslul. But you
cant rcly on yourscll. Dcpcnd on him and hc will clcar a path.
Food for the Journey
Watcr was not all that God providcd lor thc Israclitcs. Hc also causcd
manna and quail to rain down upon thc pcoplc. Similarly, I suggcst two
38
typcs ol lood to hclp nourish your journcy:
practical inlormation and support lrom lcl-
low travclcrs. This look will providc thc
practical stcplamily inlormation. Altcr lay-
ing down somc kcy stcpping-stoncs lor thc
stcplamily journcy, I will discuss common
challcngcs to thc stcplamily and providc
practical guidancc.
But dont stop thcrc. I highly rccom-
mcnd you nd anothcr couplc or a group
ol couplcs and mcct togcthcr on a rcgular
lasis to study and cncouragc onc anothcr.
Discussion qucstions lor individual dating
and marricd couplcs arc includcd at thc cnd
ol cach chaptcr in this look, lut just thc
two ol you talking is not thc samc as mcct-
ing with a group ol couplcs. I havc lccn
involvcd in support and thcrapy groups lor
a numlcr ol ycars, and stcplamily groups arc among thc most dynamic Ivc
sccn. Thc common storics that arc sharcd and thc prcssurcs and criscs that
arc cpcricnccd togcthcr crcatc an incrcdillc lond among group mcmlcrs.
My small-group matcrial, The Smart Stepfamily Small Group Resource
DVD and accompanying Participants Guide, is an cducational rcsourcc
youll want to considcr. Watching thc tcaching vidco and discussing thc
group qucstions will hclp you proccss thc inlormation in this look, intcr-
nalizc it, and apply it in your homc. For morc on lcading an cducational
group or stcplamily ministry, scc SmartStcplamilics.com/vicw/lcarn.
Is It All Worth It?
Tim was rcmarricd, and altcr thrcc ycars hc was just lcginning to undcr-
stand how dimcult thc journcy was going to lc. His lilc cpcricncc had
shown him that thc stcplamily journcy can lc tough, and now hc was
hcaring mc conrm that in a livc scminar. During onc ol thc lrcaks, this
conscicntious thirty-cight-ycar-old man askcd an honcst qucstion: Im
lcginning to think thc payof cant lc worth all this hard work. It lccls likc
Getting Smart
Has Benefits
We sing the praises of your
seminar to everyone. God to-
tally answered our prayer. It
was five years of hard trials
and not knowing what to do
with our family and why certain
members acted the way they
did. God painted a clear picture
through your conference. It has
been eight months since the
seminar and God has changed
us so much. My family is awe-
some. The children are different
because of it and so are we.
David and Tracy
39
Im marricd to my wilc, and shcs still marricd to hcr kids. That makcs it
vcry hard lor mc to work at liking and acccpting thcm. Il you dont know
what youll havc in a lcw ycars, is it worth thc cfort
Hc spokc lor many pcoplc who silcntly wondcr il thcyrc hcading
down a dcad-cnd strcct. My answcr is no, yourc not. A smart stcplamily
is worth thc cfort. Thc Israclitcs discovcrcd thc Promiscd Land to lc
cvcrything thcy drcamcd. Not all stcplamilics havc all thcir cpcctations
rcalizcd, lut with hard work and commitmcnt, thc rcwards arc worth
striving lor.
Promised Land Rewards
Thcrcsa, rcccting on hcr lamilys journcy through thc wildcrncss, con-
trilutcd thcsc thoughts to my wclsitc rcccntly (SmartStcplamilics.com),
and shc is right on targct:
Thc changc lrom lcing a singlc divorccd lamily to a stcplamily has lccn vcry
challcnging . . . dont cpcct a miraclc ovcrnight. . . . God is always laithlul
in cvcry situation and with Him as thc ccntral part ol all your dccisions
you can makc it through. It is a day-to-day proccss, and only putting your
laith and trust in God will makc things lcttcr. Having a stcplamily is vcry
rcwarding and it is worth working on!
At thc hcart ol thc stcplamily journcy is thc scarch lor lamily idcntity.
Knowing how to rclatc to onc anothcr, what to cpcct lrom yourscll and thc
rolcs ol othcrs in thc lamilycvcn how to introducc cach othcr in pullic
arc lasic qucstions stcplamilics ask thcmsclvcs rcpcatcdly throughout thcir
journcy. And as strcsslul as this journcy ol lamily idcntity lormation is,
thcrc arc somc rcwards along thc way, including:
high-quality marital rclationships
a ncw marital hcritagc to cclclratc
a hcalthy lamily mcans hcalthicr kids
coopcration lctwccn homcs rcsults in wcll-disciplincd childrcn
rcspcct and carc lctwccn stcpparcnts and stcpchildrcn
multigcncrational llcssings in latcr-lilc stcplamilics
+0
cpcricncing lovc, ctcnding gracc
rcdcmption ol your lamily story
High-Quality Marital Relationships
Rcscarch ol couplcs in stcplamilicsconductcd ly intcrnationally rcc-
ognizcd marriagc and lamily rcscarchcr Dr. David Olson, prcsidcnt ol Lilc
Innovations, and mcconrms that couplcs in stcplamilics can crcatc
high-quality marital rclationships. In our look The Remarriage Checkup,
wc dctail thc qualitics ol high-quality stcplamily marriagcs and rcvcal
how couplcs can dccpcn thcir intimacy and gain rclationship strcngth.
Qualitics likc cfcctivc communication, thc alility to rcsolvc conict wcll,
a rclational stylc that is cillc and adaptallc, cnjoying lcisurc activitics
togcthcr, and couplc spirituality provc to lc vcry prcdictivc ol a high-quality
marital rclationship.
In othcr words, couplcs can crcatc mutually satislying, intimatc, God-
honoring marriagcs within stcplamilics. Undoultcdly thcrc arc a numlcr
ol uniquc larricrs to ovcrcomc (scc chaptcr 5), lut rcmarriagcs can lc
hcalthy rclationships. Furthcrmorc, Ivc olscrvcd that couplcs who cn-
durc thc advcrsity ol thc journcy lrcqucntly havc a lond that is powcrlul
cnough to withstand anything. Thcrc is strcngth and a scnsc ol victory
altcr surviving what lor somc is a dimcult journcy.
How long docs it takc lor couplcs to nd an incrcasc ol satislaction
L. Mavis Hcthcrington rcports in hcr highly scicntic look For Better
or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered
2
that it takcs most couplcs vc to
scvcn ycars to gct through thc tcnsions ol stcplamily lilc to thc point that
thcir strcss lcvcl dcclincs to match that ol a husland and wilc in a rst
marriagc. Furthcrmorc, surviving thc tumultuous carly ycars common to
stcplamily living sccms to givc couplcs a staying powcr that kccps thcm
going . . . and growing. Thcrc is a honcymoon lor couplcs in stcp lamilics,
lut kccp in mind, it comcs at thc cnd ol thc journcy and not at thc
lcginning.
A New Marital Heritage to Celebrate
A strong stcplamily marriagc is critical lor thc rclational dcvclop-
mcnt ol thc childrcn. Stcplamily childrcn, cspccially thosc who havc livcd
+1
through a parcntal divorcc, nccd to witncss and lcarn lrom a hcalthy
marital rclationship. This countcracts thc ncgativc and dcstructivc pat-
tcrns ol intcraction thcy witncsscd in thcir parcnts prcvious marriagc
(and sincc thc divorcc). Instcad ol argumcnts llcd with yclling and pcr-
sonal agcndas, thcy watch two pcoplc who maintain a win-win attitudc
ncgotiatc thc lcst solution lor thcir lamily. Instcad ol a distant rclation-
ship lctwccn two pcoplc living parallcl livcs, thcy witncss two pcoplc
giving timc and attcntion to thcir rclationship. Instcad ol an unlalanccd
rclationship, whcrc onc spousc is constantly chasing an cvcr-distancing,
ncvcr-availallc spousc, childrcn scc a husland and wilc who continually
scck to sacricc lor thc othcr out ol lovc. On thc othcr hand, il childrcn
witncss rcpcatcd marital lrcakups, thc nct cfcct is a wcakcning ol thc
childs scnsc ol pcrmancncy to marriagc and an incrcascd lack ol trust
in thc pcoplc thcy lovc.
3
Its worth mcntioning that many childrcn do not wclcomc thcir parcnts
rcmarriagc, cspccially in thc lcginning. Thcy may cvcn lc antagonistic to-
ward thc stcpparcnts cforts to join thc lamily. This is normal, as childrcn
hold on to thc drcam that thcir liological parcnts will rcmarry. Dcspitc thc
childrcns rcsistancc, a strong stcplamily couplc will havc positivc lcncts
lor thcm ovcr timc. Thc kcy is to rcmcmlcr that during thc carly intcgration
ycars, childrcn may rcscnt thc stcpparcnts prcscncc in thc homc. Maintain
a long-tcrm pcrspcctivc and livc as il a hcalthy marriagc is just what thc
kids dcsirc. Somcday thcy may comc to apprcciatc, cvcn cclclratc, your
marital commitmcnt.
Somc timc ago a woman scnt mc an annivcrsary card shc rcccivcd lrom
hcr stcpdaughtcr. Dcllic had kcpt thc card lccausc it mcant so much to
hcr. It madc hcr rcalizc just how much hcr stcpdaughtcr was watching and
lcarning lrom hcr marriagc. Ncarly a dccadc into hcr rcmarriagc, Dcllic
rcccivcd thc card, which rcad, Glad to scc you two still havcnt lost thc
magic. Happy annivcrsary, Mom and Dad! Thc handwrittcn notc insidc
thc card was cvcn morc cncouraging: Happy Annivcrsary! I just wantcd to
thank you lor thc wondcrlul Christian camplc ol how a marriagc should
work. Thc way you solvc conict with humor is lun to watch. Whcn thc
timc comcs lor thc Lord to llcss mc with a matc, I hopc I am as lucky as
thc two ol you arc! I lovc you loth, Kara.
Now, thats what I call a Promiscd Land rcward!
+2
A Healthy Family Means Healthier Kids
In 1998 |amcs Bray pullishcd rcscarch culminating thc rst tcn-ycar
longitudinal study ol stcplamilics in Amcrica. His rcscarch rcvcalcd that
a loving, wcll-lunctioning stcplamily ovcr timc can ncgatc many ol thc
dctrimcntal psychological impacts ol divorcc on childrcn. Whilc not all ol
thc ncgativc cfccts can lc rcvcrscd, it is ccrtainly a mcssagc ol hopc lor
parcnts and childrcn. It sccms that with timc, hcalthy stcplamilics can havc
lcncts that countcract thc ncgativc costs ol divorcc.
Bray says, A strong, stallc stcplamily is as capallc ol nurturing hcalthy
dcvclopmcnt as a nuclcar lamily. It can imluc valucs, amrm limits and
loundarics, and providc a structurc in which rulcs lor living a moral and
productivc lilc arc madc, transmittcd, tcstcd, rclcllcd against, and ulti-
matcly amrmcd.
+
Thc kcy hcrc is a strong, stallc stcplamily which, ol
coursc, takcs timc and cfort, lut lrings many llcssings to childrcn.
Rcccnt rcscarch, lor camplc, suggcsts that a hcalthy stcplamily can
hclp to diminish lchavioral prollcms in childrcn that arisc altcr parcntal
divorcc. Parcntal divorcc occurring whcn childrcn arc in prcschool (agc
vc or youngcr) prcdicts an incrcasc in lchavioral prollcms throughout
prcschool and cvcn into mid-childhood (agcs si to tcn). Howcvcr, thc
transition into a marricd llcndcd lamily lclorc childrcn rcach agc tcn ap-
pcars to havc a calming cfcct on child lchavioral issucs. Whats morc, a
childs rcsidual ncgativc lchavior sccms to lc morc rclatcd to thc original
divorcc than thc ncw stcplamily.
5
But thcrcs cvcn morc good ncws. Thc lcncts to childrcn lrom hcalthy
stcplamilics carry ovcr to thcir adult ycars
and positivcly impact thcir marital choiccs. It
appcars thcy havc a lowcr divorcc ratc (com-
parcd to othcr childrcn ol divorcc), and thc
quality ol thcir own marriagcs morc closcly
mirrors thc stcplamilys hcalthy marriagc
than thc poor-quality marriagc that cndcd
in divorcc.
6
In othcr words, a strong stcp-
couplc lcgins to undo thc gcncrational cyclc
ol divorccin just onc gcncration! This is
grcat ncws lor parcnts, thcir childrcn, and
socicty at largc.
Stopping the
Cycle of Divorce
A high-quality stepfamily
marriage provides a positive
role model for children and
may mitigate the effects of
observing a low-quality par-
ental marriage that ended in
divorce.
+3
Cooperation Between Homes Results
in Well-Disciplined Children
Whcn childrcn grow up in a stallc stcplamily homc, thcy lcnct trcmcn-
dously. Whcn co-parcnts (lirth parcnts, scparatcd ly divorcc) coopcratc, thc
lcncts arc cvcn morc prolound. It docsnt happcn oltcn, lut somc co-parcnts,
likc |ason and Lcigh, havc lcarncd not to lct thcir marital difcrcnccs and
past conicts kccp thcm lrom coopcrating whcn it comcs to thc disciplinc
ol thcir childrcn. For a long timc Samucl (agc ninc) and Wcslcy (agc si)
told |ason, thcir dad, onc story and Lcigh, thcir mom, anothcr to gct out ol
school rcsponsililitics. Whcn |ason and Lcigh rcalizcd what thc kids wcrc
doing, thcy lucklcd down on thc loys with thc schools hclp. Whcn Samucl
and Wcslcy gurcd out that thcy couldnt play onc parcnt of thc othcr, thcir
mislchavior at school diminishcd signicantly. Gaining this lcvcl ol coopcra-
tion is not casy lor most, lut sccing thc rcwards in wcll-disciplincd childrcn
makcs it worth thc cfort. I will spcnd conccrtcd timc in chaptcr 6 discussing
how co-parcnts can coopcratc lor thcir childrcns wcll-lcing.
Respect and Care Between Stepparents and Stepchildren
Ovcr timc, stcpparcnts and stcpchildrcn can dcvclop a trcmcndous lond
with onc anothcr. Thc pacc ol this dcvcloping rclationship varics (scc
chaptcr 7), and somc will ncvcr lc morc than rcspcctlul lricnds (cspccially
il thc childrcn arc adults at thc timc ol thc marriagc). But lor most, a lasic
scnsc ol mutual rcspcct and carc lor onc anothcr is gcnuincly attaincd.
Othcrs will dcvclop a dccp, loving, and trusting lond that is vcry spccial.
Multi-Generational Blessings in Later-Life Stepfamilies
Many couplcs marrying latcr in lilc mistakcnly assumc that lccausc
thcir childrcn arc adults, thcir transition to a stallc intcrgcncrational stcp-
lamily will lc smooth. As with youngcr stcplamilics, latcr-lilc marriagcs
lring many cmotional transitions lor adult stcpchildrcn. Initial lcars that
grandchildrcn will not lc prioritizcd, lcclings ol alandonmcnt, rcncwcd
gricl ovcr a changing lamily hcritagc, and conccrns with lamily inhcri-
tanccs and nanccs arc common. Howcvcr, thcsc ncgativc cmotions can
cvcntually givc way to lcclings ol londcdncss and conncction, and multi-
gcncrational llcssings.
++
A latcr-lilc couplc, Bol and Vicki, and I wcrc lcing intcrvicwcd lor thc
national lroadcast FamilyLife Today
, whcn host Dcnnis Raincy askcd

Bols adult daughtcr, Katic, to tcll hcr stcpmothcr how shc lclt alout hcr.
Bctwccn you and mc, I gaspcd whcn Dcnnis askcd hcr to sharc lccausc nonc
ol us kncw what shc was going to say. What I did know was that thcrc had
lccn somc strugglcs thc rst lcw ycars. Would Katic havc anything positivc
to say I hcld my lrcath just a littlc as shc startcd to rcspond.
I gucss Vicki alrcady knows this lccausc wc do havc such a closc rclationship,
lut right altcr shc and Dad got marricd, I wcnt through somc pcrsonal stuf
and shc was thcrc lor mc in a mothcrly and lricnd way. Shc talks to mc likc
a mothcr, shc calls mc out likc a mothcr, shc lovcs mc likc a mothcr, and
shc is onc ol my lcst lricnds. Thc way that shc lovcs my childrcn warms
my hcart. . . . Thc things that shc docs lchind thc sccncsil you kncw this
womanshcs always thinking ol somconc clsc. And I just lovc hcr.
7
I was so rclicvcdand so inspircd that this lamily was cpcricncing multi-
gcncrational rcwards. Latcr-lilc stcplamilics, likc youngcr stcp lamilics,
somctimcs strugglc to nd thcir t. But thc rcwards arc worth thc cfort.
Experiencing Love, Extending Grace
Lcarning to lovc again altcr lcing hurt is a lcarlul, risky cndcavorvcry
risky. Ltcnding gracc is part ol that risk. Without it wc cannot givc and
rcccivc lovc. God taught us this. Romans 8:122+ rcminds us that God
through Christs sacricc has adoptcd lclicvcrs as his childrcn. Dcspitc
our sinlulncss, his gracc casts out ol us a spirit ol lcar and rcplaccs it with
a spirit ol hopc. Hc chosc to lovc us, hc chosc to ctcnd gracc to us. In so
doing, hc madc it possillc lor us to cpcricncc lovc and gracc in dccply
prolound ways.
I havc sccn this proccss rcplicatcd many timcs in stcplamilics, lor c-
amplc, in adults who ctcnd to c-spouscs thc gracc that God has givcn
thcm and stcpparcnts who choosc to lovc stcpchildrcn who arc cold and
alool. Imitating Gods lovc and gracc can lring alout prolound changcs to
rclationships. Thc warmth ol onc hcart cvcntually soltcns thc angcr ol thc
othcr. Ivc watchcd childrcn oncc cmpty duc to thc alandonmcnt ol thcir
mothcr or lathcr lcgin to lloom undcr thc loving carc ol a stcpparcnt. Ivc
lccn inspircd whcn a non-custodial mothcr spcaks wcll ol hcr childrcns
+5
stcpmothcr and insists that thcy rcspcct hcr. Dcspitc pcrsonal lcar and risk,
pcoplc in stcplamilics arc choosing lovc and ctcnding gracc.
Redemption of Your Family Story
Is thcrc a part ol your pcrsonal lilc story or lamily story that you wish
you could changc At this point docs thc tragcdy in your story sccm to
dcnc you And what ol thc choiccs you madc in thc past that you now
rcgrctthosc cant lc changcd, thcy haunt you. What can you do alout
thc lcgacy ol shamc thcy havc crcatcd
In his insightlul look A Grace Revealed: How God Redeems the Story
of Your Life, author |crry Sittscr suggcsts that cach ol us is living a story.
As Christians our story is lcing caught up into Gods story (cvcn il wcrc
not awarc ol it), spccically, thc story ol his rcdcmption ol thosc who call
upon his gracc. It docsnt rcally mattcr that you cant changc thc past.
What mattcrs is that God is changing thc trajcctory ol it. For camplc, thc
worthlcss, nonscnsical parts ol lilc can nd purposc, and our tragcdics can
lccomc scrvicc to othcrs (rcmcmlcr |oscph, sold ly his lrothcrs into slavcry,
lccamc thc onc who savcd thc Hclrcw nation and his lamily lrom laminc).
Nan and I havc most ccrtainly cpcricnccd this. |ust lour ycars altcr thc
loss ol our son, our journcy to nd his lcgacy rcsultcd in thc complction
ol a giant Lcgo-likc art ccntcr in Ghana, Wcst Alrica, that providcs thcra-
pcutic support and hcaling through crcativc cprcssion to rcscucd child
slavcs. Its an amazing story (stunning cvcn still to mc) that includcs thc
collcctivc cncrgy ol vc lormcr dcsigncrs and two carpcntcrs lrom ABCs
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, hundrcds ol voluntccrs and donors,
and thc hcaling carc ol two parcnts, Pam and Randy Copc, who thcmsclvcs
lost a child and in his mcmory cstallishcd thc Touch A Lilc Foundation.
Thc Copcs rcachcd out to us altcr our son dicd just as thcy rcach out to
tramckcd childrcn and rcscucd us lrom drowning in our sadncss.
Thc Connor Crcativc Art Ccntcr is hclping to rcdccm thc storics ol chil-
drcn lrom tragic circumstanccsand at thc samc timc its rcdccming our
lamily story. Docs this lcauty lrom our ashcs lury our ashcs Alsolutcly
not. I tcll pcoplc all thc timc I will livc with my sufcring cvcry day lor thc
rcst ol my lilc. But thats not all I havc. Right lcsidc my pain is my laith,
it docsnt canccl my pain, lut it docs inlorm it. My laith calms my pain,
providcs pcrspcctivc to it, and rcminds it that this lilc is not all thcrc is.
+6
Bccausc God is rcdccming all things, hc will makc Connorand mcncw
somcday and thcn Ill scc him again. Whcrc would I lc il I wcrcnt allow-
ing God to wrap my story up into his liggcr story ol rcdcmption Ill tcll
you: tclling a sad story ol loss without any hopc.
And what ol your story Docs thc story you tcll ol your past includc any
pcrspcctivc ol a rcdcmptivc prcscnt What il rcmarriagc and this ncw lamily
is thc prcscnt-day portion ol Gods rcdcmptivc work in your lilc Whcn you
scck to dcmonstratc thc lruits ol thc Spirit, you partncr with Gods activity
to movc your lamily story out ol thc past and into a rcdcmptivc prcscnt.
And hcrcs thc amazing outcomc ol thc lar-rcaching powcr ol Gods rc-
dcmptionwhcn God works all things lor thc good ol thosc who lovc him
(Romans 8:28) it docsnt changc thc past, lut it docs changc thc story wc tcll
alout thc past. Whcn light is dircctcd on thc dark, it casts thc dark in a ncw
light. It changcs our undcrstanding ol it, our intcrprctation, thc mcaning
wc givc it, our rolc in thc story, thc outcomc wc scc lor our livcs, cvcn how
wc livc in thc prcscnt in light ol thc past. Thc past is, thcrclorc, rcdccmcd.
Your lamily story, cvcn thc part that is cmlcddcd in thc past, is not ovcr.
You arc in proccssGods rcdccming proccss. Whcn you walk with him
in laith, your story, cvcn thc worst parts ol it, is caught up into what hc is
doing to rcdccm all things to him. Thcrc arc morc chaptcrs to your lamily
story yct to lc writtcn, somc in this gcncration and somc in thc gcncrations
to comc. Walk in laith and watch in awc how God authors a ncw lcgacy.
Noticing What God Has Done
During thc journcy to thc Promiscd Land, thc Israclitcs cpcricnccd many
pcriods ol doult, pcrhaps you havc too. I hopc, whcn thcy stoppcd to look
lack at how lar thcy had comc, thcy could scc thc hand ol God and how
many timcs hc had actcd on thcir lchall. Pcrhaps you havcnt lookcd lack
rcccntly. Pcrhaps thc larricrs that stand in lront ol you now arc lucling
doult and pcssimism. Takc a lcw minutcs to noticc what God has donc to
hclp you navigatc your journcy so lar. In what ways has his Word providcd
insight lor dccisions and cncouragcmcnt How has trusting in his truths
alout marital dclity, kindncss toward your cncmics, and having a scrvants
hcart hclpcd you and your lamily to ovcrcomc olstaclcs along thc way
Makc a list ol his laithlulncss and thank him lor it.
+7
Ritu Ghatourcy said, You must ncvcr lorgct who was thcrc lor you whcn
no onc clsc was. Noticing what God has donc lor us somctimcs includcs
rcalizing that thc vcry lamily mcmlcrs with whom wc strugglc arc also thc
oncs who havc lccn thcrc whcn othcrs wcrcnt. Sccing onc anothcr as a
giltycs, somctimcs a lrustrating giltmovcs your hcart in thc dircction
ol gratitudc. Whcn that gratitudc is cpcricnccd ly lamily mcmlcrs, thcir
hcart cant hclp lut lc soltcncd a littlc, and thcy movc closcr to youand
cvcryonc togcthcr movcs a littlc closcr toward God.
Is thcrc a Promiscd Land lor stcplamilics who dont quit, who laithlully
lollow thcir Lord, and who lcarn all thcy can alout navigating thc journcy
Alsolutcly. And its wcll worth thc cfort!
Questions for Discussion
To hclp you apply what you arc lcarning, cach chaptcr concludcs with
qucstions lor parcnts and childrcn, prc-stcplamily dating or cngagcd cou-
plcs, and all couplcs (appropriatc lor all couplcs, whcthcr dating or marricd).
I suggcst you work through thc qucstions on your own lclorc discussing
thcm with your kids, dating partncr, or spousc. Not all ol thc qucstions
arc appropriatc lor childrcn or stcpchildrcn, so lclorc talking with thcm,
considcr thcir agcs and your ovcrall rclationship with thcm.
Rccommcndcd rcsourccs lor lurthcr discussion:
Life in a Blender ly Ron L. Dcalthis looklct lor childrcn agcs
tcn and up lrings pcrspcctivc and practical guidancc to childrcn in
stcplamilics. Thc accompanying Parent Discussion Guide hclps you
cngagc your childrcn in insightlul convcrsation alout what thcyvc
rcad. Availallc at FamilyLilc.com.
The Smart Stepfamily DVD Small-Group Resource ly Ron L. Dcal
an cight-wcck vidco curriculum lor small groups or pcrsonal study.
Availallc onlinc and in lookstorcs.
FOR PARENT-CHI LD DI SCUSSI ON (Discrction lascd on thc agc
ol thc child and thc quality ol adult-child rclationships is adviscd.)
1. Bcgin ly lricy tclling your child thc story ol Gods rcscuc ol thc
Israclitcs lrom thc hand ol Pharaoh (thcir agc will dictatc how much
dctail you sharc). Thcn say, Our lamily is kind ol likc that story.
+8
Wc arc travcling togcthcr as a ncw lamily, and somc days its dimcult
to know whcrc wc arc going or how to gct thcrc. Othcr days wc arc
doing wcll. But cvcry day wc havc to trust God to lcad us through
thc wildcrncss.
2. What part ol this story can you rclatc to
3. What joys (or rcwards) havc you alrcady cpcricnccd
+. What qucstions do you havc lor mc alout our lamily and our journcy
FOR ALL COUPLES
1. What aspccts ol your past did you hopc marriagc would curc
2. Which ol thc lollowing cmotions havc you lclt in thc past Which still
haunt you lrom timc to timc Angcr. Bittcrncss. Dcprcssion. Sadncss.
Longing. Hurt. Rcscntmcnt. Guilt. Fcar. Pain. Rcjcction.
3. In what ways havc you cpcricnccd disillusionmcnt in your stcp-
rclationships and at what point did you rcalizc things wcrcnt working
out as you had cpcctcd How havc you adjustcd your cpcctations
+. In what ways was your rcmarriagc anothcr loss lor your childrcn
How can you lc scnsitivc to that loss without lcing guilt-riddcn (or
casily manipulatcd lccausc you lccl guilty)
5. Look again at thc list ol unchartcd watcrs (undcr Facing a Sca ol
Opposition) carly in this chaptcr. Which ol thcsc rcprcscnt arcas ol
growth lor you or your stcplamily What arcas do you considcr to
lc thc priority growth arcas right now
6. In what ways havc you or your stcplamily mcmlcrs cpcricnccd Gods
lcading or his hcaling hand Bc surc to sharc with your stcplamily
how you scc him at work in your livcs.
7. What Scripturcs havc lccn hclplul or inspiring to you rcccntly Il
you havcnt lccn rcading your Billc much latcly, how can you lcgin
to do so again
8. Sharc a timc with your spousc whcn you wcrcnt surc thc work was
worth thc cfort. Il that timc is now, what do you nccd to hclp you
stay dctcrmincd Il you trustcd God to lring you through, what
would you lc doing difcrcntly than you arc now to work in that
dircction
9. Which, il any, ol thc Promiscd Land Payofs havc you cpcricnccd to
somc dcgrcc alrcady
+9
High-quality marital rclationships
A ncw marital hcritagc to cclclratc
A hcalthy lamily mcans hcalthicr kids
Coopcration lctwccn homcs rcsults in wcll-disciplincd childrcn
Rcspcct and carc lctwccn stcpparcnts and stcpchildrcn
Multi-gcncrational llcssings in latcr-lilc stcplamilics
Lpcricncing lovc, ctcnding gracc
Rcdcmption ol your lamily story
10. To givc and rcccivc support lor your journcy, I rccommcnd that you
crcatc or join a stcplamily small group. Is onc availallc in your church
Il not, go to Familylilc.com/llcndcd to scarch lor a ministry in your
arca or nd rcsourccs to start your own group.
CASE STUDY I N STEPFAMI LY FEARS
Rcad again thc lcars lrom thc Thomas lamily at thc lcginning ol this
chaptcr, and thcn answcr thc lollowing qucstions.
1. Which lcars ol thc liological and/or stcpparcnt can you rclatc to and
why
2. What arc you doing to prcvcnt thcsc lcars lrom lccoming a rcality
3. Think through your prcvious losscs and painlul lamily cpcricnccs
(cithcr lamily ol origin or rst marriagc). How do your currcnt lcars
conncct with thosc cpcricnccs How havc thcy scnsitizcd you to
avoiding morc pain in currcnt rclationships
+. Il you wcrcnt hamstrung ly thc past, how would you lc difcrcnt in
thc prcscnt
5. Considcr thc lcars mcntioncd ly thc childrcn. Which might your
childrcn also lccl
FOR PRE-STEPFAMI LY COUPLES
1. In what ways do you lccl intimidatcd and lrightcncd altcr rcading
this chaptcr
2. What challcngcs arc you lcginning to scc that you had not thought
alout lclorc
50
3. Think ol a stcplamily couplc that you can intcrvicw. Ask thcm thc
lollowing qucstions. Il possillc, start attcnding a stcplamily support
group to hclp you makc a morc inlormcd dccision alout marriagc.
What do you wish you had known lclorc you marricd
What arc your thrcc grcatcst challcngcs
How could you havc lcttcr prcparcd yoursclvcs lor stcplamily
living
What painlul cmotions lrom thc past did you not rcsolvc prior
to marriagc
How long havc you lccn travcling this journcy
What llcssings havc you cpcricnccd and at what pricc

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