The Need of Belonging and its Connection to Thriving

Alison Nguyen
4th Hour
5/22/14




My friends and family are my support system. They tell me what I need to hear, not
what I want to hear and they are there for me in the good and bad times. Without them I have no
idea where I would be and I know that their love for me is what's keeping my head above the
water, these words are the words that once fluttered out of Kelly Clarkson, the super successful
singers, mouth with pride. Kelly Clarkson wouldnt have been able to get to where she is now
without her social support. Everyone has to achieve their social needs in order to survive in this
world. A persons social needs such as family, friends, and love may change over their years but
they will always be needed. Abraham Maslow was a well respected and well remembered
psychologist. He created the Maslows Hierarchy of needs. The Hierarchy of needs is what
everyone needs in order to survive and thrive in life. One of the more important need besides
base needs is the need for belonging. The need for belonging refers to friends, family and love.
The book Night by Elie Wiesel tells the story of his time in a concentration camp and how he
was able to endure it. Through out most of the time at the concentration camp Elie is with his
father, who helps him through the concentration camp. Family, friends, love and other forms
of belonging brings people motivation, support, and helps them survive through hard
times.
A sense of belonging can help you endure even the hardest of situations. Elie from the
book Night needs his father, in order to be able to endure the harsh horrible conditions of the
concentration camp. When entering the concentration camp Elie ends up separated from his
mother and sisters; however, Elie was able to stay with his father. He made sure he stuck with his
father throughout the rest of his time in the concentration camp. My fathers presence was the
only thing that stopped meHe was running at my side, out of breath,at the end of his strength
at his wits end. I had no right to let myself die.What would he do without me? I was his only
support(Wiesel 93). Elies father was his only reason for why he didnt stop running. Elies
father only keep going because he wanted to try to protect and watch over his son. Elie and his
father supported each other and they needed each other. Elie might not had made it through the
concentration camp without his fathers support. Their love and belonging to be together was the
only thing that kept them alive. The book Night might have ended differently if it wasnt for the
belonging that Elie and his father both shared in order to survive.
People who lack the feeling of belonging can end up ending their own life. Through out
life the people that we belong to will change as we grow and change ourselves. When someone
feels like they dont belong to a group or to their family they might feel like they cant make it
through life. More than 30,000 americans kill themselves every year, although their deaths might
be due to different reason their are three main causes according to Thomas Joiner. Thomas Joiner
is a well respected psychologist that specifically deals with the topic of why people commit
suicide (Pool). Joiner has proposed three main reasons:
The ability to hurt themselves--and, in particular, to hurt themselves enough and in such a
way that it is fatal;
A sense that one is a burden on one's loved ones, and;
A lack of any sense of belonging to a group or a relationship that has some value.
He also says that people who do not contain these characteristics are less likely to commit
suicide no matter how depressed they are (Pool). Joiners proposal shows that people who don't
have any sense of belonging are more likely to give up and not be able to survive in life. People
with a sense of belonging wont consider suicide due to their connection with others and support
from others. Belonging is about being accepted from other, about family, about having people
who you know will care for you. People who commit suicide dont have this sense of belonging.
One of Joiners studies helps proves this theory more in depth.

The theory predicts, for instance, that people who feel themselves to be a burden on
their family would be more serious about committing suicide. They would employ more
lethal means in their attempts, and they would be more likely to be fatal. To test this,
Joiner and FSU colleagues looked at 40 suicide notes, half written by people who did
indeed kill themselves and half written by those who attempted suicide but failed.

Those whose notes indicated a strong sense of "my loved ones will be better off when
I'm gone" were indeed significantly more likely to succeed in their attempts and also
more likely to choose a more lethal approach--gunshot and hanging, for instance, versus
cuts or a drug overdose. On the other hand, Joiner found no relationship between the
hopelessness a person expressed in the suicide letter and the lethality of the suicide
attempt. In short, the sense of being a burden appears to have been a more important
factor in the suicide than a feeling of hopelessness. (Pool)

The feeling of being a burden to others is due to lack of belonging. If an individual feels loved
and that they belong with a group of people or family they would not feel like you are burdening
them. The person would understand that they truly care and love one another not that they are
burdening. The feeling of belonging is what keeps people from committing suicide. While the
lack of belonging it what causes people to give up on life or their goals. Belonging is what
people need in make it through life.
In my sixteen years of my life I have acknowledged that belonging to a group that has
common interest as yourself can make life easier and more bearable. At the start of middle
school I had just recently moved houses. The new house also meant I would have to go to a
whole new school district. During my first year of middle school I didn't quite have a group of
peers that I could connect with. I talked to many people but as far as a belonging to each other I
was on my own. My grade started to get bad. I could only focus on trying to find someone to
hang out with or a group to join. Soon school had become less enjoyable and more of a burden. I
specifically hated when the teacher would try to have the students do work with a partner
because I could never find one. At the end of the school year I was able to get close with
someone. Her name was Monika and we spent all summer hanging out together. When I went
back to school I started getting better grades. I no longer hated group work because I had
someone who I felt I had a belonging to. School went back to being enjoyable. The feeling of
belonging to a friend made school and life in general more survivable. I made more friends
through the years. They help me though hard time and are there for the good times as well. They
support me, care for me and want me to be happy. The belonging and love of others is what
helps me through the day.
The search and need for belonging can be also be peoples motivation. In many cases
people without belongings end up alone and on their own. Adults, teens and kids can even end
up homeless and having to live on the street. Many people who end up on the street have no
family or friends to take care of them. A young boy named Dolgion had lost his belonging to his
family and had to live on the street. He has been living on the street for four years on his own.
When he was seven his house burned down and him and his family had to move into one of his
fathers relative. Soon after the move his mother left. His fathers relatives had kicked them out
telling them to go away. Dolgions father became a heavy drinker and would drink on the street
with some bad people. Dolgion and his father ended up getting separated, and left Dolgion oh is
own. (Godjer) Dolgion lost his family, or in other words his belonging. His mother abandoned
him with his father. Dolgion tried to stay with his father for as long as he could even after his
fathers relative kicked them out. The lost of the people who were suppose to help him through
life and support him is what lead to him living on the street. Dolgion tells the reporter, Four
years have passed since then. I never saw my father again; I don't even know if he is alive or not.
After separating from Father, I lived in District 120,000. I wandered the streets, collected food
from garbage dumps, begged on the streets. I was small then and people would take pity on me
and give good money. There were times I was very hungry. Once I couldn't find anything to eat
for two days. At the end I fell unconscious. I learned that it's no good to lie hungry as one may
die at the end. It is better to walk and walk. (Godjer). Dolgions life without his sense of
belonging has been hard for him to get through. He had to support himself and had to live on his
own. Throughout his whole time on the streets he dreams about the day him and his family can
be reconnected. Although his mother left him and he doesn't know of his father whereabouts he
still wants them, and still searches for his sense of belonging. The reporter asked Dolgion if he
had any other dreams besides getting his citizen ID in order to work. Dolgions response was
Other dreams? Well, I will find my parents. I will work all on my own and will find them myself.
When I find my parents I will buy a house and we all will live together. I don't believe that my
mother died recently. I simply do not believe it(Godjer). Dolgion still purses his search for
belonging by wanting to find his parents and be with them again. He is determined to get a job
once he is sixteen and be able to get money in order to find is belonging. The search for his
belonging is what helped him through his hard times.
People cant stand being alone in the world without a longing to belong with someone. In
many cases people who have lost their belonging try to reconnect with it. They may try to rebuild
their lost connections or try to find a new belonging. In the movie Wristcutters: A Love Story the
main character Zia is in this exact situation. Zia commits suicide after a breakup with his
girlfriend Desiree. Instead of being dead Zia finds himself in an alternative universe where
everyone who lives there got there by committing suicide. He still deeply misses his ex-
girlfriend, so when he finds out that she too ended up in this alternative universe he goes in
search of her. With his roommate Eugene and a girl named Mikal, Zia ends up finding a new
belonging while he is in the alternative universe. That belonging ends up being his new friends
Eugene and Mikal.

Zia: You remember the other day when you were talking about missing things from life
and how you wanted to go back and I told you I didn't miss anything?
Mikal: Yeah.
Zia: Well... When I'm here, with you, I kind of miss myself, the way I used to be.
Mikal: What were you like?
Zia: I was happy at a time, obviously before I came here, but...
Mikal: Yeah.
Zia: Something about being here with you reminds me of that, it's just, I don't know, it's
just weird to me that you can feel that in a place like this. We're all... We're all dead.
Mikal: You know what? Most of the people that I knew before I got here were either half
dead or just completely dead already (Dukic)

In this sense of the movie Zia and Mikal are walking on a by a beach. Before Zia killing himself
he was happy with his ex-girlfriend since he had a belonging. He had someone who cared for
him. Now even though he is dead he finds that is it easier to thrive because he has Mikal and
Eugene. They have became his new belonging. They all care for each other and even though they
are in a alternate universe full of dead people they still want each other to be happy. Eugenes
family also has an interesting tell about how they all ended up committing suicide. It was there
belonging to all be together again that lead them all to committing suicide. In the scene when
Eugene and Zia are playing pool Eugene tell him the story of his family.

Zai: I never heard of a whole family here before.
Eugene: Mom off-ed because she was missing Russia a lot. And my father he just didn't
feel like going on without her, but what really did it for him was my kid brother turning
out to be gay.
Zai: And your kid brother?
Eugene: Kostya
Zai: Kostya?
Eugene: I guess he had it in his genes man.
Zai: Thats the craziest thing I ever heard man.
Eugene: When Kostya came here. My father, the man who wouldnt cry if you dropped
ten pound sledge hammer on his foot, hugged Kostya and cried like a baby. (Dukic)

Eugene's father lost his sense of belonging when his wife killed herself. He couldn't go on
without her so he killed himself as well. Eugenes father was so happy when he saw his son
again even though they had their differences. There sense of belonging was with each other, and
they were able to still fulfill that sense of belonging even when they were dead. Eugenes father
longed for the sense of belonging with his family again and was able to reconnect with them.
While Zia longed for the belonging with his ex-girlfriend but instead was able to find a new
belonging with his new set of friends. They both lost their sense of belonging and couldnt stand
living without it, so they reconnected or found a new belonging.

The sense of belonging is the an important aspect in order to thrive through life.
Everyone needs a sense of belonging to either friends or family. Without belonging people turn
to tragic measures such as suicide or end up having a bad future. The sense of belonging can also
bring people the will to go on with their life. In the book Night by Elie Wiesel Elie was able to
go on because of his father. Without Elies father he might have not made it though the
concentration camp. They had each other and supported each other throughout their journey. The
sense of belonging can provide motivation and support. The need for belonging earned its place
in Maslows Hierarchy of Needs. Our family and friends that we belong to will grow and
change over time but we will always need them. Belonging brings us support, motivation,
love, and the will to live.









Citations

"Kelly Clarkson Quote." BrainyQuote. Xplore, n.d. Web. 23 May 2014.

Godrej, Dinyar, and others. "An Invitation to Read Between the Lines." New Internationalist
(Oxford, England) No. 377. April 2005: 9+. SIRS Issues Researcher. Web. 23 May. 2014.

Pool, Robert. "The Why of It All." Florida State University Research in Review. Winter 2004:
32-37. SIRS Issues Researcher. Web. 23 May. 2014.

Wiesel, Elie, and Marion Wiesel. Night. New York, NY: Hill and Wang, a Division of Farrar,
Straus and Giroux, 2006. Print.

Wristcutters A Love Story. Dir. Goran Dukic. Perf. Patrick Fugit, and Shannyn Sossamon. 2006.
Film.