Malignant

Self Love
Narcissism Revisited
1
st
EDITION
5
th
Revised Impression
EXCERPTS
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.
The Author is NOT a Mental Health Professional.
The Author is certified in Counselling Techniques.
Editing and Design:
Lidija Rangelovska
A Narcissus Publications Imprint
Prague & Skopje 2003
1! "##1! "##$ Co%&right 'idi(a )angelo*s+a
All rights reser*ed. This ,oo+! or an& %art thereof! -a& not ,e used or
re%roduced in an& -anner .ithout .ritten %er-ission fro-:
'idi(a )angelo*s+a / .rite to:
%al-a0unet.co-.-+ or to
*a+nin0lin+.co-.-+
All rights for this ,oo+ are for sale.
'iterar& agents and %u,lishers! %lease contact 'idi(a )angelo*s+a.
To get 1)EE u%dates of this ,oo+ 2O3N the Narcissis- 4tud&
'ist.
To 2O3N! *isit our 5e, sites:
htt%:66....geocities.co-6*a+sa-6narclist.ht-l or
htt%:66....narcissistic7a,use.co-6narclist.ht-l or
htt%:66grou%s.&ahoo.co-6grou%6narcissistica,use
8isit the Author9s 5e, site:
htt%:66 sa-*a+.tri%od.co-
:u& other ,oo+s a,out %athological narcissis- and relationshi%s .ith
a,usi*e narcissists here:
htt%:66....narcissistic7a,use.co-6the,oo+.ht-l
ISBN: 9989-929-06-8
Print ISBN: 80-238-3384-
Created ,&:
'idi(a )angelo*s+a! 4+o%(e
)EP;:'3C O1 MACEDON3A
! " N # $ N # S
%ore&ord
Introd'(tion ) #*e +a,it'al Identit-
#*e Nar(issisti( Personalit- .isorder
A Pri-er on Narcissis-
:i,liogra%h&
"vervie&
Chapter I: The 4oul of a Narcissist / The 4tate of the Art
Chapter II: :eing 4%ecial
Chapter III: ;niqueness and 3nti-ac&
Chapter IV: The 5or+ings of a Narcissist / A Pheno-enolog&
Chapter V: The Tortured 4elf
<The 3nner 5orld of the Narcissist=
Chapter VI: The E-otional 3n*ol*e-ent Pre*enti*e Measures
%re/'entl- 0sked 1'estions
Narcissism The Disorder
FAQ # 1: An O*er*ie. of the Narcissist
FAQ # 2: Pathological Narcissis- / A D&sfunction or a :lessing>
FAQ # 3: The Energ& of 4elf
FAQ # 4: 4elf7'o*e and Narcissis-
FAQ # 5: 4elf7Defeating and 4elf7Destructi*e :eha*iours
FAQ # 6: 3deas of )eference
FAQ # 7: ?randiose 1antasies
FAQ # 8: ?randiosit& Hango*er and Narcissist :aiting
FAQ # 9: De%ression and the Narcissist
FAQ # 10: Narcissistic )age
<Anger as a 4ource of Personalit& Disorder=
FAQ # 11: ?ender and the Narcissist
FAQ # 12: Ho-ose@ual Narcissist
FAQ # 13: Addiction to 1a-e and Cele,rit&
FAQ # 14: Cons%icuous E@istence
FAQ # 15: The Narcissist9s )eaction to Deficient Narcissistic
4u%%l&
FAQ # 16: The Delusional 5a& Out
FAQ # 17: The Co-%ulsi*e Acts of the Narcissist
FAQ # 18: Narcissistic )outines
FAQ # 19: The ;nsta,le Narcissist
FAQ # 20: Do Narcissists Ha*e E-otions>
FAQ # 21: The 3na%%ro%riate Affect
FAQ # 22: The C&nical Narcissist
FAQ # 23: The Narcissist as a 4adist
FAQ # 24: Other Peo%le9s Pain
FAQ # 25: The Ps&cholog& of Torture
FAQ # 26: Multi%le ?randiosit&
FAQ # 27: 1alse Modest&
FAQ # 28: 5ar%ed )ealit& and )etroacti*e E-otional Content
FAQ # 29: Narcissistic 4ignal! 4ti-ulus and Hi,ernation Mini7
C&cles
FAQ # 30: The Narcissistic Pendulu- and the Pathological
Narcissistic 4%ace
FAQ # 31: The 3nani-ate as a 4ource of Narcissistic 4u%%l&
<Narcissistic :randing and Narcissistic Contagion=
FAQ # 32: The Dual )ole of the 1alse 4elf
FAQ # 33: The 4tri%%ed Ego
FAQ # 34: The 4%lit7off Ego
FAQ # 35: The 4erious Narcissist
FAQ # 36: Narcissists! Disagree-ents and Criticis-
FAQ # 37: Transfor-ations of Aggression
FAQ # 38: Narcissistic Hu-iliation
FAQ # 39: The Midlife Narcissist
FAQ # 40: To Age .ith ?race
FAQ # 41: The Narcissist and 3ntros%ection
FAQ # 42: The 'osses of the Narcissist
FAQ # 43: ?etting :etter
FAQ # 44: Can a Narcissist Hel% Hi-self>
FAQ # 45: )econditioning the Narcissist
FAQ # 46: Treat-ent Modalities and Thera%ies
FAQ # 47: Narcissistic Mirroring
FAQ # 48: The De*elo%-ent of the Narcissist
FAQ # 49: The Narcissist9s Mother
FAQ # 50: The 3n*erted Narcissist
FAQ # 51: Narcissists! 3n*erted Narcissists and 4chiAoids
FAQ # 52: Narcissists and Che-ical 3-,alances
FAQ # 53: M&ths a,out Narcissis-
FAQ # 54: The 4elfish ?ene
<The ?enetic ;nder%innings of Narcissis-=
FAQ # 55: Narcissis- / The Ps&cho%athological Default
FAQ # 56: Narcissis-! Other Mental Health Disorders! 4u,stance
A,use! and )ec+less :eha*iours
<Co7Mor,idit& and Dual Diagnosis=
FAQ # 57: Eating Disorders and the Narcissist
FAQ # 58: Can the Narcissist Ha*e a Meaningful 'ife>
FAQ # 59: A Case 4tud&
FAQ # 60: The Narcissist9s )eactions to This Te@t
Narcissism and Society
FAQ # 61: A Drea- 3nter%reted
FAQ # 62: Ho. to )ecognise a Narcissist>
FAQ # 63: 3nteracting .ith a Narcissist
FAQ # 64: The 5ea%on of 'anguage
FAQ # 65: E@%loitation ,& a Narcissist
FAQ # 66: The Narcissist9s 8icti-s
FAQ # 67: Narcissis- ,& Pro@&
FAQ # 68: 1acilitating Narcissis-
FAQ # 69: Narcissists in Positions of Authorit&
FAQ # 70: 1or the 'o*e of ?od
FAQ # 71: The Narcissist and 4ocial 3nstitutions
FAQ # 72: Collecti*e Narcissis- <Narcissis-! Culture and 4ociet&=
FAQ # 73: The Narcissist in Court
FAQ # 74: The Narcissist in a 5or+%lace
FAQ # 75: )es%onsi,ilit& and Other Matters
FAQ # 76: The Accounta,le Narcissist
FAQ # 77: Cri-e and Punish-ent: The Ne*er )e%enting
Narcissist
FAQ # 78: Narcissists! ?rou% :eha*iour and Terroris-
FAQ # 79: 3s the Narcissist E*er 4orr&>
FAQ # 80: A 'etter a,out Trust
FAQ # 81: Trau-as as 4ocial 3nteractions
FAQ # 82: The ?uilt of Others
FAQ # 83: Narcissistic Confine-ent
FAQ # 84: Narcissistic Allocation
FAQ # 85: Narcissistic 3--unit&
FAQ # 86: Narcissists! 'o*e and Healing
1AB C DE: 8indicti*e Narcissists
FAQ # 88: Narcissists as Mass and 4erial Fillers
FAQ # 89: Narcissists! Narcissistic 4u%%l& and 4ources of 4u%%l&
Narcissists and Family
FAQ # 90: Ho. to Co%e .ith a Narcissist>
FAQ # 91: Narcissists and 5o-en
FAQ # 92: The 4%ouse6Mate6Partner of the Narcissist
FAQ # 93: 3n*esting in a Narcissist
FAQ # 94: The Dou,le )eflection
<Narcissistic Cou%les and Narcissistic T&%es=
FAQ # 95: Narcissistic Parents
FAQ # 96: Narcissists and Children
FAQ # 97: The Narcissist and His 1a-il&
FAQ # 98: Narcissists! 4e@ and 1idelit&
FAQ # 99: The E@tra7Marital Narcissist
FAQ # 100: Mourning the Narcissist
FAQ # 101: 4ur*i*ing the Narcissist
FAQ # 102: The Dead Parents
2'ide to !o3ing &it* 4o'r 0,'ser
#*e 0't*or
"nline inde5
?o here: htt%:66sa-*a+.tri%od.co-6siteinde@.ht-l
% " R $ 6 " R .
Hello. )ecognise -e> No> 5ell! &ou see -e all the ti-e. Gou read
-& ,oo+s! .atch -e on the ,ig screen! feast on -& art! cheer at -&
ga-es! use -& in*entions! *ote -e into office! follo. -e into ,attle!
ta+e notes at -& lectures! laugh at -& (o+es! -ar*el at -&
successes! ad-ire -& a%%earance! listen to -& stories! discuss -&
%olitics! en(o& -& -usic! e@cuse -& faults! en*& -e -& ,lessings.
No> 4till doesn9t ring a ,ell> 5ell! &ou ha*e seen -e. Of that 3 a-
%ositi*e. 3n fact! if there is one thing 3 a- a,solutel& sure of! it is
that. Gou ha*e seen -e.
Perha%s our %aths crossed -ore %ri*atel&. Perha%s 3 a- the one
.ho ca-e along and ,uilt &ou u% .hen &ou .ere do.n! e-%lo&ed
&ou .hen &ou .ere out of a (o,! sho.ed the .a& .hen &ou .ere
lost! offered confidence .hen &ou .ere dou,ting! -ade &ou laugh
.hen &ou .ere ,lue! s%ar+ed &our interest .hen &ou .ere ,ored!
listened to &ou and understood! sa. &ou for .hat &ou reall& are! felt
&our %ain and found the ans.ers! -ade &ou .ant to ,e ali*e. Of
course &ou recognise -e. 3 a- &our ins%iration! &our role -odel!
&our sa*iour! &our leader! &our ,est friend! the one &ou as%ire to
e-ulate! the one .hose fa*our -a+es &ou glo..
:ut 3 can also ,e &our .orst night-are. 1irst 3 ,uild &ou u%
,ecause that9s .hat &ou need. Gour s+ies are ,lue. Then! out of the
,lue! 3 start tearing &ou do.n. Gou let -e do it ,ecause that9s .hat
&ou are used to and &ou are du-founded. 3 .as .rong to ta+e %it&
on &ou. Gou reall& are inco-%etent! disres%ectful! untrust.orth&!
i--oral! ignorant! ine%t! egotistical! constrained! disgusting. Gou
are a social e-,arrass-ent! an una%%reciati*e %artner! an
inadequate %arent! a disa%%oint-ent! a se@ual flo%! a financial
lia,ilit&. 3 tell &ou this to &our face. 3 -ust. 3t is -& right! ,ecause it
is. 3 ,eha*e! at ho-e and a.a&! an& .a& 3 .ant to! .ith total
disregard for con*entions! -ores! or the feelings of others. 3t is -&
right! ,ecause it is.
3 lie to &our face! .ithout a t.itch or a t.itter! and there is
a,solutel& nothing &ou can do a,out it. 3n fact! -& lies are not lies at
all. The& are the truth! -& truth. And &ou ,elie*e the-! ,ecause &ou
do! ,ecause the& do not sound or feel li+e lies! ,ecause to do
other.ise .ould -a+e &ou question &our o.n sanit&! .hich &ou
ha*e a tendenc& to do an&.a&! ,ecause fro- the *er& ,eginning of
our relationshi% &ou %laced &our trust and ho%es in -e! deri*ed
&our energ& fro- -e! ga*e -e %o.er o*er &ou.
)un to our friends. ?o. 4ee .hat that .ill get &ou. )idicule. 3 a-
to the- .hat 3 originall& .as to &ou. The& ,elie*e .hat the& see
and that9s .hat the& see! and the& also see the *er& -i@ed u%
%erson that &ou o,*iousl& ha*e ,eco-e. The -ore &ou %lead for
understanding! the -ore con*inced the& .ill ,e that &ou are craA&!
the -ore isolated &ou .ill feel! and the harder &ou .ill tr& to -a+e
things right again! ,& acce%ting -& criticis-s and ,& stri*ing to
i-%ro*e &ourself. Could it ,e that &ou .ere .rong a,out -e in the
,eginning> 4o .rong as that> Not an eas& %ill to s.allo.! is it>
Ho. do &ou thin+ our friends .ill react if &ou tr& to cra- it do.n
their throats> After all! it reall& is &ou .ho ha*e th.arted -&
%rogress! tainted -& re%utation! thro.n -e off course. There is an
esca%e fro- the frustrations &ou cause -e and! fortunatel&! -&
re%utation %ro*ides enough insulation fro- the outside .orld so 3
can indulge in this esca%e .ith i-%unit&. 5hat esca%e> Those
eru%tions of anger &ou dread and fear! -& rages. Ah! it feels so
good to rage. 3t is the e@%ression of and the confir-ation of -&
%o.er o*er &ou. '&ing feels good too! for the sa-e reason! ,ut
nothing co-%ares to the %leasure of e@%loding for no -aterial
reason and *enting -& anger li+e a lunatic! all the ti-e a s%ectator
at -& o.n sho. and seeing &our hel%lessness! %ain! fear!
frustration! and de%endence. ?o ahead. Tell our friends a,out it.
4ee if the& can i-agine it! let alone ,elie*e it. The -ore outrageous
&our account of .hat ha%%ened! the -ore con*inced the& .ill ,e
that the craA& one is &ou. And don9t e@%ect -uch -ore fro- &our
thera%ist either. 4urel& it is easier to li*e -& lie and see .here that
ta+es &ou. Gou -ight e*en acquire so-e of the ,eha*iour &ou find
so o,(ectiona,le in -e.
:ut &ou +no. .hat> This -a& co-e as a sur%rise! ,ut 3 can also
,e -& o.n .orst night-are. 3 can and 3 a-. Gou see! at heart -&
life is nothing -ore than illusion7clad confusion. 3 ha*e no idea .h&
3 do .hat 3 do! nor do 3 care to find out. 3n fact! the -ere notion of
as+ing the question is so re%ulsi*e to -e that 3 e-%lo& all of -&
resources to re%el it.
3 reconstruct facts! fa,ricate illusions! act the- out! and thus
create -& o.n realit&. 3t is a %recarious state of e@istence indeed!
so 3 a- careful to include enough de-onstra,le truth in -& illusions
to ensure their credi,ilit&. And 3 a- fore*er testing that credi,ilit&
against the reactions of others. 1ortunatel& -& real attri,utes and
acco-%lish-ents are in sufficient a,undance to fuel -& illusions
see-ingl& fore*er. And -odern societ&! ,lessed6cursed -odern
societ&! *alues -ost .hat 3 do ,est and thus ser*es as -&
acco-%lice. E*en 3 get lost in -& o.n illusions! s.e%t a.a& ,& their
-agic.
4o! not to .orr& if &ou still do not recognise -e. 3 don9t recognise
-e either. 3n fact! 3 regard -&self as li+e e*er&one else! onl&
%erha%s a little ,etter. Put another .a&! 3 end u% thin+ing that
e*er&one else is li+e -e! onl& not quite as good. After all! that9s
.hat the uni*erse is telling -e.
Ah! there9s the ru,. THE uni*erse or MG uni*erse> As long as the
-agic of -& illusions .or+s on -e too! the distinction is i--aterial.
Hence -& need for a fan clu,. And 3 a- constantl& ta+ing fan clu,
in*entor&! testing the lo&alt& of %resent -e-,ers .ith challenges of
a,use! .riting off defectors .ith total indifference! and scouting the
landsca%e for ne. recruits. Do &ou see -& dile--a> 3 use %eo%le
.ho are de%endent on -e to +ee% -& illusions ali*e. 3n actualit& it
is 3 .ho a- de%endent on the-. E*en the rage! that orgas-ic
release of %ain and anger! doesn9t .or+ .ithout an audience. On
so-e le*el 3 a- a.are of -& illusions! ,ut to ad-it that .ould s%oil
the -agic. And that 3 couldn9t ,ear. 4o 3 %roclai- that .hat 3 do is of
no consequence and no different fro- .hat others do! and thus 3
create an illusion a,out -& creating illusions. 4o! no! 3 don9t
recognise -e an& ,etter than &ou do. 3 .ouldn9t dare. 3 need the
-agic. 1or the sa-e reason 3 also fail to recognise others .ho
,eha*e as 3 do. 3n fact! the& so-eti-es recruit -e into their fan
clu,s. As long as .e feed off of each other! .ho9s the .orse for
.ear> 3t onl& confir-s -& illusion a,out -& illusions: that 3 a- no
different fro- -ost other %eo%le! (ust a ,it ,etter.
:ut 3 AM different and .e ,oth +no. it. Therein lies the root of -&
hostilit&. 3 tear &ou do.n ,ecause in realit& 3 a- en*ious of &ou
:ECA;4E 3 a- different. At that haunting le*el .here 3 see -&
illusions for .hat the& are! the illusion that &ou too create illusions
colla%ses! lea*ing -e in a state of des%air! confusion! %anic!
isolation! and en*&. Gou! and others! accuse -e of all sorts of
horri,le things.
3 a- totall& ,affled! clueless. 3 ha*e done nothing .rong. The
in(ustice is too -uch. 3t onl& -a+es the confusion .orse. Or is this
too -erel& another illusion>
Ho. -an& others li+e -e are there> More than &ou -ight thin+!
and our nu-,ers are increasing. Ta+e t.ent& %eo%le off the street
and &ou .ill find one .hose -ind tic+s so -uch li+e -ine that &ou
could consider us clones. 3-%ossi,le! &ou sa&. 3t is si-%l& not
%ossi,le for that -an& %eo%le / highl& acco-%lished! res%ected!
and *isi,le %eo%le / to ,e out there re%lacing realit& .ith illusions!
each in the sa-e .a& and for reasons the& +no. not .h&. 3t is
si-%l& not %ossi,le for so -an& ro,ots of ha*oc and chaos! as 3
descri,e the-! to function dail& -idst other educated! intelligent!
and e@%erienced indi*iduals! and %ass for nor-al. 3t is si-%l& not
%ossi,le for such an a,erration of hu-an cognition and ,eha*iour
to infiltrate and infect the %o%ulation in such nu-,ers! *irtuall&
undetected ,& the radar of -ental health %rofessionals. 3t is si-%l&
not %ossi,le for so -uch *isi,le %ositi*e to contain so -uch
concealed negati*e. 3t is si-%l& not %ossi,le.
:ut it is. That is the enlighten-ent of Narcissis- )e*isited ,&
4a- 8a+nin. 4a- is hi-self one such clone. 5hat distinguishes
hi- is his uncharacteristic courage to confront! and his uncann&
understanding of! that .hich -a+es us tic+! hi-self included. Not
onl& does 4a- dare as+ and then ans.er the question .e clones
a*oid li+e the %lague! he does so .ith relentless! laser7li+e
%recision. )ead his ,oo+. Ta+e &our seat at the dou,le7headed
-icrosco%e and let 4a- guide &ou through the dissection. 'i+e a
,rain surgeon o%erating on hi-self! 4a- e@%lores and e@%oses the
alien a-ong us! ho%ing ,e&ond ho%e for a res%ecta,le tu-our ,ut
finding instead each and e*er& cell tea-ing .ith the sa-e resistant
*irus. The o%eration is long and tedious! and at ti-es frightening
and hard to ,elie*e. )ead on. The %arts e@%osed are as the& are!
des%ite .hat -a& see- h&%er,olic or far7fetched. Their *alidit&
-ight not hit ho-e until later! .hen cou%led .ith -e-ories of %ast
e*ents and e@%eriences.
3 a-! as 3 said! -& o.n .orst night-are. True! the .orld is
re%lete .ith -& contri,utions! and 3 a- lots of fun to ,e around. And
true! -ost contri,utions li+e -ine are not the result of trou,led
souls. :ut -an& -ore than &ou -ight .ant to ,elie*e are. And if ,&
chance &ou get caught in -& 5e,! 3 can -a+e &our life a li*ing hell.
:ut re-e-,er this. 3 a- in that 5e, too. The difference ,et.een
&ou and -e is that &ou can get out.
7en +eil,r'nn8 9:.:
Seattle8 6as*ington8 ;S0
)eturn
I N # R " . ; ! # I " N
#*e +a,it'al Identit-
Warning and Disclaimer
The contents of ths !oo" are not #eant to s$!stt$te for professona% he%p
an& co$nse%%n'( The rea&ers are &sco$ra'e& fro# $sn' t for &a'nostc or
therape$tc en&s( The &a'noss an& treat#ent of the )arcssstc
*ersona%t+ ,sor&er can on%+ !e &one !+ professona%s specfca%%+ trane&
an& -$a%fe& to &o so . /hch the a$thor s not( The a$thor s )0T a #enta%
hea%th professona%1 tho$'h he s certfe& n 2enta% 3ea%th Co$nse%%n'
Techn-$es(
3n a fa-ous e@%eri-ent! students .ere as+ed to ta+e a le-on
ho-e and to gro. used to it. Three da&s later! the& .ere a,le to
single out HtheirH le-on fro- a %ile of rather si-ilar ones. The&
see-ed to ha*e ,onded. 3s this the true -eaning of lo*e! ,onding!
cou%ling> Do .e si-%l& get used to other hu-an ,eings! %ets! or
o,(ects>
Ha,it for-ing in hu-ans is refle@i*e. 5e change oursel*es and
our en*iron-ent in order to attain -a@i-u- co-fort and .ell7,eing.
3t is the effort that goes into these ada%ti*e %rocesses that for-s a
ha,it. Ha,its are intended to %re*ent us fro- constant
e@%eri-entation and ris+ ta+ing. The greater our .ell7,eing! the
,etter .e function and the longer .e sur*i*e.
Actuall&! .hen .e get used to so-ething or to so-eone / .e
reall& get used to oursel*es. 3n our ha,its .e see our histor&! all the
ti-e and effort in*ested. Ha,its are enca%sulated *ersions of our
acts! intentions! e-otions and reactions. The& are -irrors reflecting
,ac+ that %art in us that for-ed the ha,it.
Hence! the feeling of co-fort: .e reall& feel co-forta,le .ith our
o.n sel*es .hen .e feel co-forta,le .ith our ha,its.
:ecause of this! .e tend to confuse ha,its .ith identit&. 5hen
as+ed 5HO the& are! -ost %eo%le resort to descri,ing their ha,its.
The& relate to us their .or+! their lo*ed ones! their %ets! their
ho,,ies! or their -aterial %ossessions. Get! all of these do not
constitute an identit&. Their re-o*al does not change one9s identit&.
The& are ha,its and the& -a+e the res%ondent co-forta,le and
rela@ed. :ut the& are not %art of his identit& in the truest! dee%est
sense.
4till! it is this si-%le -echanis- of dece%tion that ,inds %eo%le
together. A -other feels that her offs%ring are %art of her identit&
,ecause she is so used to the- that her .ell7,eing de%ends on
their e@istence and a*aila,ilit&. Thus! an& threat to her children is
inter%reted ,& a -other as a threat to her %erson. Her reaction is!
therefore! strong and enduring and can ,e recurrentl& elicited.
The truth! of course! is that children A)E a %art of their -other9s
identit& in a su%erficial -anner. )e-o*ing the- .ould -a+e her a
different %erson! ,ut onl& in the shallo.! %heno-enological sense
of the .ord. Her dee%7set! true identit& is unli+el& to change as a
result.
:ut .hat is this +ernel of identit& that 3 a- referring to> This
i--uta,le entit& .hich is the definition of .ho .e are and .hat .e
are and .hich! ostensi,l&! is not influenced ,& the death of our
lo*ed ones> 5hat is so strong as to resist the ,rea+ing of ha,its
that die7hard>
3t is our %ersonalit&. This elusi*e! loosel& interconnected!
interacting! %attern of reactions to our changing en*iron-ent. 'i+e
the -ind! it is difficult to define or to ca%ture. 'i+e the soul! -an&
,elie*e that it does not e@ist! that it is a fictitious con*ention. Get!
.e +no. that .e do ha*e a %ersonalit&. 5e feel it! .e e@%erience it.
3t so-eti-es encourages us to do things / or %re*ents us fro-
doing the-. 3t can ,e su%%le or rigid! ,enign or -alignant! o%en or
closed. 3ts %o.er lies in its looseness. 3t is a,le to co-,ine!
reco-,ine and %er-utate in hundreds of unforeseea,le .a&s. 3t
-eta-or%hoses and the constanc& of its rate and +ind of change is
.hat gi*es us a sense of identit&.
Actuall&! .hen the %ersonalit& is rigid to the %oint of ,eing una,le
to change in reaction to changing circu-stances / .e sa& that it is
disordered. A %ersonalit& disorder is the ulti-ate -isidentification.
The indi*idual -ista+es his ha,its for his identit&. He identifies
hi-self .ith his en*iron-ent! ta+ing ,eha*ioural! e-otional! and
cogniti*e cues e@clusi*el& fro- it. His inner .orld is! so to s%ea+!
*acated! inha,ited! as it .ere! ,& the a%%arition of his True 4elf.
4uch a %erson is inca%a,le of lo*ing and of li*ing. The %ersonalit&
disordered sees no distinction ,et.een his self and his ha,its. He
34 his ha,its and! therefore! ,& definition! can onl& rarel& and .ith
an incredi,le a-ount of e@ertion! change the-. And! in the long7
ter-! he is inca%a,le of li*ing ,ecause life is a struggle TO5A)D4!
a stri*ing! a dri*e AT so-ething. 3n other .ords: life is change. He
.ho cannot change is not reall& ali*e.
HMalignant 4elf7'o*e / Narcissis- )e*isitedH .as .ritten under
e@tre-e conditions of duress. 3t .as co-%osed in (ail as 3 .as
tr&ing to understand .hat had hit -e. M& nine &ears old -arriage
dissol*ed! -& finances .ere in a shoc+ing condition! -& fa-il&
estranged! -& re%utation ruined! -& %ersonal freedo- se*erel&
curtailed. 4lo.l&! the realisation that it .as all -& fault! that 3 .as
sic+ and needed hel% %enetrated the decades old defences that 3
erected around -e. This ,oo+ is the docu-entation of a road of
self7disco*er&. 3t .as a %ainful %rocess! .hich led to no.here. 3 a-
no different / and no healthier / toda& than 3 .as .hen 3 .rote this
,oo+. M& disorder is here to sta&! the %rognosis is %oor and
alar-ing.
The narcissist is an actor in a -onodra-a! &et forced to re-ain
,ehind the scenes. The scenes ta+e centre stage! instead. The
narcissist does not cater at all to his o.n needs. Contrar& to his
re%utation! the narcissist does not Hlo*eH hi-self in an& true sense
of this loaded .ord.
He feeds off other %eo%le! .ho hurl ,ac+ at hi- an i-age that he
%ro(ects to the-. This is their sole function in his .orld: to reflect! to
ad-ire! to a%%laud! to detest / in a .ord! to assure hi- that he
e@ists.
Other.ise! the& ha*e no right to ta@ his ti-e! energ&! or e-otions
/ so he feels.
To ,orro. 1reud9s trilateral -odel! the narcissist9s Ego is .ea+!
disorganised and lac+s clear ,oundaries. Man& of the Ego functions
are %ro(ected. The 4u%erego is sadistic and %unishing. The 3d is
unrestrained.
Pri-ar& O,(ects in the narcissist9s childhood .ere ,adl& idealised
and internalised.
His o,(ect relations are distraught and destro&ed.
The first cha%ters offer a detailed! first hand account of .hat it is
li+e to ha*e a Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder <NPD=. 3t offers ne.
insights and an organised -ethodological fra-e.or+ using a ne.
%s&chod&na-ic language. 3t is intended for %rofessionals.
The first %art of the ,oo+ is -ore accessi,le. 3t co-%rises
1requentl& As+ed Buestions <1ABs= regarding narcissis- and
%ersonalit& disorders. The %osting of HMalignant 4elf7'o*e /
Narcissis- )e*isitedH on the 5e, has elicited a flood of e@cited!
sad and heart rending res%onses! -ostl& fro- *icti-s of narcissists
,ut also fro- %eo%le suffering fro- the Narcissistic Personalit&
Disorder. This is a true %icture of the resulting corres%ondence .ith
the-.
This ,oo+ is hea*& reading. 3t is not intended to %lease or to
entertain. NPD is a %ernicious! *ile and tortuous disease! .hich
affects not onl& the narcissist. 3t infects and fore*er changes %eo%le
.ho are in dail& contact .ith the narcissist. 3n other .ords: it is
contagious. 3t is -& contention that narcissis- is the -ental
e%ide-ic of the t.entieth centur&! a %lague to ,e fought ,& all
-eans.
This ,oo+ is -& contri,ution to -ini-ising the da-ages of this
disorder.
Sa< =aknin
)eturn
Malignant
Self Love
Narcissism Revisited
The Narcissistic Personality Disorder
0 Pri<er on Nar(issis<
Nar(issis< >n: sing:?
A %attern of traits and ,eha*iours .hich signif& infatuation and
o,session .ith one9s self to the e@clusion of all others and the
egotistic and ruthless %ursuit of one9s gratification! do-inance and
a-,ition.
Narcissis- is na-ed after the ancient ?ree+ -&th of Narcissus! a
handso-e ?ree+ &outh .ho re(ected the des%erate ad*ances of
the n&-%h Echo. 3n %unish-ent of his cruelt&! he .as doo-ed to
fall in lo*e .ith his o.n reflection in a %ool of .ater. ;na,le to
consu--ate his autoerotic lo*e! he %ined a.a& and changed into
the flo.er that ,ears his na-e to this *er& da&.
6*at is NP. >Nar(issisti( Personalit- .isorder?@
The A-erican Ps&chiatric Association! ,ased in 5ashi ngton D.C.!
;4A! %u,lishes the Diagnostic and 4tatistical Manual of Mental
Disorders! fourth edition! Te@t )e*ision <D4M7387T)=! "###.
The Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder <NPD= has ,een recognised
as a se%arate -ental health disorder in the third edition of the
Diagnostic and 4tatistical Manual <D4M= in 1D#. 3ts diagnostic
criteria and their inter%retation ha*e undergone a -a(or re*ision in
the D4M73337) <1DE= and .ere su,stantiall& re*a-%ed in the D4M7
387T) in "###. The Euro%ean 3CD71# ,asicall& contains identical
language.
I)ead the D4M7387T) diagnostic criteria for the Narcissistic
Personalit& DisorderJ
The international equi*alent of the D4M is the 3CD71#!
Classification of Mental and :eha*ioural Disorders! %u,lished ,&
the 5orld Health Organisation in ?ene*a <1"=.
I)ead the 3CD71# diagnostic criteria for the Narcissistic
Personalit& DisorderJ
The D4M defines NPD as 4an a%%5per6as6e pattern of 'ran&ost+
7n fantas+ or !eha6o$r81 nee& for a&#raton or a&$%aton an& %ac"
of e#path+1 $s$a%%+ !e'nnn' !+ ear%+ a&$%thoo& an& present n
6aro$s conte9ts(4
The 3CD regards NPD as 4a persona%t+ &sor&er that fts none of
the specfc r$!rcs4. 3t relegates it to the categor& HOther 4%ecific
Personalit& DisordersH together .ith the eccentric! HhaltloseH!
i--ature! %assi*e7aggressi*e! and %s&choneurotic %ersonalit&
disorders and t&%es.
The D4M s%ecifies nine diagnostic criteria. 1or NPD to ,e
diagnosed! fi*e <or -ore= of these criteria -ust ,e -et:
I3n the te@t ,elo.! 3 ha*e %ro%osed -odifications to the language
of these criteria to incor%orate current +no.ledge a,out this
disorder. M& a-end-ents do not constitute a %art of the te@t of the
D4M7387T)! nor is the A-erican Ps&chiatric Association <APA=
associated .ith the- in an& .a&.J
K 1eels grandiose and self7i-%ortant <e.g.! e@aggerates
acco-%lish-ents! talents! s+ills! contacts! and %ersonalit& traits
to the %oint of l&ing! de-ands to ,e recognised as su%erior
.ithout co--ensurate achie*e-ents=L
K 3s o,sessed .ith fantasies of unli-ited success! fa-e!
fearso-e %o.er or o-ni%otence! unequalled ,rilliance <the
cere,ral narcissist=! ,odil& ,eaut& or se@ual %erfor-ance <the
so-atic narcissist=! or ideal! e*erlasting! all7conquering lo*e or
%assionL
K 1ir-l& con*inced that he or she is unique and! ,eing s%ecial!
can onl& ,e understood ,&! should onl& ,e treated ,&! or
associate .ith! other s%ecial or unique! or high7status %eo%le
<or institutions=L
K )equires e@cessi*e ad-iration! adulation! attention and
affir-ation / or! failing that! .ishes to ,e feared and to ,e
notorious <Narcissistic 4u%%l&=L
K 1eels entitled. De-ands auto-atic and full co-%liance .ith his
or her unreasona,le e@%ectations for s%ecial and fa*oura,le
%riorit& treat-entL
K 3s Hinter%ersonall& e@%loitati*eH! i.e.! uses others to achie*e his
or her o.n endsL
K De*oid of e-%ath&. 3s una,le or un.illing to identif& .ith!
ac+no.ledge! or acce%t the feelings! needs! %references!
%riorities! and choices of othersL
K Constantl& en*ious of others and see+s to hurt or destro& the
o,(ects of his or her frustration. 4uffers fro- %ersecutor&
<%aranoid= delusions as he or she ,elie*es that the& feel the
sa-e a,out hi- or her and are li+el& to act si-ilarl&L
K :eha*es arrogantl& and haught&. 1eels su%erior! o-ni%otent!
o-niscient! in*inci,le! i--une! Ha,o*e the la.H! and
o-ni%resent <-agical thin+ing=. )ages .hen frustrated!
contradicted! or confronted ,& %eo%le he or she considers
inferior to hi- or her and un.orth&.
9ore .ata 0,o't Pat*ologi(al Nar(issists
K Most narcissists <EMN! according to the D4M7387T)= are -en.
K NPD <Othe Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder= is one of a Hfa-il&H
of %ersonalit& disorders <+no.n as HCluster :H=. Other -e-,ers
of Cluster : are :orderline PD! Antisocial PD and Histrionic PD.
K NPD is often diagnosed .ith other -ental health disorders <Hco7
-or,idit&H= / or .ith su,stance a,use and i-%ulsi*e and
rec+less ,eha*iours <Hdual diagnosisH=.
K NPD is ne. <1D#= -ental health categor& in the Diagnostic
and 4tatistical Manual <D4M=.
K There is onl& scant research regarding narcissis-. :ut .hat
there is has not de-onstrated an& ethnic! social! cultural!
econo-ic! genetic! or %rofessional %redilection to NPD.
K 3t is esti-ated that #.E71N of the general %o%ulation suffer fro-
NPD.
K Pathological narcissis- .as first descri,ed in detail ,& 1reud.
Other -a(or contri,utors are: Flein! Horne&! Fohut! Fern,erg!
Millon! )oningsta-! ?underson! Hare.
K The onset of narcissis- is in infanc&! childhood and earl&
adolescence. 3t is co--onl& attri,uted to childhood a,use and
trau-a inflicted ,& %arents! authorit& figures! or e*en %eers.
K There is a .hole range of narcissistic reactions / fro- the -ild!
reacti*e and transient to the %er-anent %ersonalit& disorder.
K Narcissistic 4u%%l& is outside attention / usuall& %ositi*e
<adulation! affir-ation! fa-e! cele,rit&= / used ,& the narcissist
to regulate his or her la,ile sense of self7.orth.
K Narcissists are either Hcere,ralH <deri*e their Narcissistic 4u%%l&
fro- their intelligence or acade-ic achie*e-ents= / or
Hso-aticH <deri*e their Narcissistic 4u%%l& fro- their %h&sique!
e@ercise! %h&sical or se@ual %ro.ess and HconquestsH=.
K Narcissists are either HclassicH / see definition ,elo. / or the&
are Hco-%ensator&H! or Hin*ertedH / see definitions in 1AB M#:
The 3n*erted Narcissist.
K The classic narcissist is self7confident! the co-%ensator&
narcissist co*ers u% in his or her haught& ,eha*iour for a dee%7
seated deficit in self7estee-! and the in*erted t&%e is a
code%endent .ho caters to the e-otional needs of a classic
narcissist.
K NPD is treated ,& tal+ thera%& <%s&chod&na-ic or cogniti*e7
,eha*ioural=. The %rognosis for an adult narcissist is %oor!
though his or her ada%tation to life and to others can i-%ro*e
.ith treat-ent. Medication is a%%lied to side effects and
,eha*iours <such as -ood or affect disorders and o,session7
co-%ulsion= / usuall& .ith so-e success.
)eturn
Bi,liogra3*-
1. Alford! C. 1red. Narcissis-: 4ocrates! the 1ran+furt 4chool and
Ps&choanal&tic Theor&. Ne. Ha*en and 'ondon! Gale ;ni*ersit&
Press! 1DD
". De*ereu@! ?eorge. :asic Pro,le-s of Ethno7Ps&chiatr&.
;ni*ersit& of Chicago Press! 1D#
$. 1air,airn! 5. ). D. An O,(ect )elations Theor& of the
Personalit&. Ne. Gor+! :asic :oo+s! 1MP
P. 1reud 4. Three Essa&s on the Theor& of 4e@ualit& <1#M=.
4tandard Edition of the Co-%lete Ps&chological 5or+s of
4ig-und 1reud. 8ol. E. 'ondon! Hogarth Press! 1QP
M. 1reud! 4. On Narcissis-. 4tandard Ed. 8ol. 1P! %%. E$71#E
Q. ?old-an! Ho.ard H. <Ed.=. )e*ie. of ?eneral Ps&chiatr&. Pth
Ed. 'ondon! Prentice Hall 3nternational! 1M
E. ?olo-,! Elan. Tra%%ed in the Mirror: Adult Children of
Narcissists in Their 4truggle for 4elf. Buill! 1M
D. ?reen,erg! 2a& ). and Mitchell! 4te%hen A. O,(ect )elations in
Ps&choanal&tic Theor&. Ca-,ridge! Mass.! Har*ard ;ni*ersit&
Press! 1D$
. ?run,erger! :ela. Narcissis-: Ps&choanal&tic Essa&s. Ne.
Gor+! 3nternational ;ni*ersities Press! 1E
1#. ?untri%! Harr&. Personalit& 4tructure and Hu-an 3nteraction.
Ne. Gor+! 3nternational ;ni*ersities Press! 1Q1
11. Horo.itA M. 2. 4liding Meanings: A Defence against Threat in
Narcissistic Personalities. 3nternational 2ournal of
Ps&choanal&tic Ps&chothera%&! 1EML P:1QE
1". Horo*itA M. 2. 4tress )es%onse 4&ndro-es: PT4D! ?rief and
Ad(ust-ent Disorders. $rd Ed. Ne. Gor+! NG ;ni*ersit& Press!
1D
1$. 2aco,son! Edith. The 4elf and the O,(ect 5orld. Ne. Gor+!
3nternational ;ni*ersities Press! 1QP
1P. 2ung! C.?. Collected 5or+s. ?. Adler! M. 1ordha- and H. )ead
<Eds.=. "1 *olu-es. Princeton ;ni*ersit& Press! 1Q#71D$
1M. Fern,erg O. :orderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissis-.
Ne. Gor+! 2ason Aronson! 1EM
1Q. Flein! Melanie. The 5ri tings of Melanie Flein. )oger Mone&7
F&rle <Ed.=. P 8ols. Ne. Gor+! 1ree Press! 1QP7EM
1E. Fohut H. The Chicago 3nstitute 'ectures 1E"71EQ. Marian and
Paul Tol%in <Eds.=. Anal&tic Press! 1D
1D. Fohut M. The Anal&sis of the 4elf. Ne. Gor+! 3nternational
;ni*ersities Press! 1E1
1. 'asch! Christo%her. The Culture of Narcissis-. Ne. Gor+!
5arner :oo+s! 1E
"#. 'e*ine! 2. D.! and 5ei ss! )ona H. The D&na-ics and Treat-ent
of Alcoholis-. 2ason Aronson! 1P
"1. 'o.en! Ale@ander. Narcissis-: Denial of the True 4elf.
Touchstone :oo+s! 1E
"". Millon! Theodore <and )oger D. Da*is! contri,utor=. Disorders of
Personalit&: D4M738 and :e&ond. "nd ed. Ne. Gor+! 2ohn
5i le& and 4ons! 1M
"$. Millon! Theodore. Personalit& Disorders in Modern 'ife. Ne.
Gor+! 2ohn 5ile& and 4ons! "###
"P. )iso! Don )ichard. Personalit& T&%es: ;sing the Enneagra- for
4elf7Disco*er&. :oston: Houghton Mifflin 1DE
"M. )oningsta-! Elsa 1. <Ed.=. Disorders of Narcissis-: Diagnostic!
Clinical! and E-%irical 3-%lications. A-erican Ps&chiatric Press!
1D
"Q. )othstein! Arnold. The Narcissistic Pursuit of )eflection. "nd
re*ised Ed. Ne. Gor+! 3nternational ;ni*ersities Press! 1DP
"E. 4ch.artA! 'ester. Narcissistic Personalit& Disorders / A Clinical
Discussion. 2ournal of A-erican Ps&choanal&tic Association /
"" <1EP=: ""7$#M
"D. 4alant74ch.artA! Nathan. Narcissis- and Character
Transfor-ation. 3nner Cit& :oo+s! 1DM / %%. #71
". 4tern! Daniel. The 3nter%ersonal 5orld of the 3nfant: A 8ie.
fro- Ps&choanal&sis and De*elo%-ental Ps&cholog&. Ne.
Gor+! :asic :oo+s! 1DM
$#. 8a+nin! 4a-. Malignant 4elf7'o*e / Narcissis- )e*isited.
4+o%(e and Prague! Narcissus Pu,lications! "##$
$1. R.eig! Paul. The Heres& of 4elf7'o*e: A 4tud& of 4u,*ersi*e
3ndi*idualis-. Ne. Gor+! :asic :oo+s! 1QD
)eturn
Malignant
Self Love
Narcissism Revisited
Overview
#*is se(tion (ontains 3roAessional ter<s:
%or treat<ent oA s3e(iAi( iss'es go to t*e
%re/'entl- 0sked 1'estions:
CHAPTE) 3
#*e So'l oA a Nar(issist
#*e State oA t*e 0rt
5e all lo*e oursel*es. That see-s to ,e such an instincti*el& true
state-ent that .e do not ,other to e@a-ine it -ore thoroughl&. 3n
our dail& li*es / in lo*e! in ,usiness! in other areas of life / .e act
on this %re-ise. Get! u%on closer ins%ection! it loo+s sha+ier.
4o-e %eo%le e@%licitl& state that the& do not lo*e the-sel*es at
all. Others confine their lac+ of self7lo*e to certain traits! to their
%ersonal histor&! or to so-e of their ,eha*iour %atterns. Get others
feel content .ith .ho the& are and .ith .hat the& are doing.
:ut one grou% of %eo%le see-s distinct in its -ental constitution
/ narcissists.
According to the legend of Narcissus! this ?ree+ ,o& fell in lo*e
.ith his o.n reflection in a %ond. 3n a .a&! this a-%l& su-s u% the
nature of his na-esa+es: narcissists. The -&thological Narcissus
re(ected the ad*ances of the n&-%h Echo and .as %unished ,&
Ne-esis. Consigned to %ine a.a& as he fell in lo*e .ith his o.n
reflection / e@actl& as Echo had %ined a.a& for hi-. Ho. a%t.
Narcissists are %unished ,& echoes and reflections of their
%ro,le-atic %ersonalities u% to this *er& da&.
The& are said to ,e in lo*e .ith the-sel*es.
:ut this is a fallac&. Narcissus is not in lo*e .ith H3M4E'1. He is
in lo*e .ith his )E1'ECT3ON.
There is a -a(or difference ,et.een one9s True 4elf and
reflected7self.
'o*ing &our True 4elf is health&! ada%ti*e and functional.
'o*ing a reflection has t.o -a(or dra.,ac+s:
1. One de%ends on the e@istence and a*aila,ilit& of a reflection to
%roduce the e-otion of self7lo*e.
". The a,sence of a Hco-%assH! an Ho,(ecti*e and realistic
&ardstic+H! ,& .hich to (udge the authenticit& of the reflection.
3n other .ords! it is i-%ossi,le to tell .hether the reflection is
true to realit& / and! if so! to .hat e@tent.
The %o%ular -isconce%tion is that narcissists lo*e the-sel*es. 3n
realit&! the& direct their lo*e to other %eo%le9s i-%ressions of the-.
He .ho lo*es onl& i-%ressions is inca%a,le of lo*ing hu-ans!
hi-self included.
:ut the narcissist does %ossess the in7,red desire to lo*e and to
,e lo*ed. 3f he cannot lo*e hi-self / he -ust lo*e his reflection. :ut
to lo*e his reflection / it -ust ,e lo*ea,le. Thus! dri*en ,& the
insatia,le urge to lo*e <.hich .e all %ossess=! the narcissist is
%reoccu%ied .ith %ro(ecting a lo*ea,le i-age! co-%ati,le .ith his
self7i-age <the .a& he HseesH hi-self=.
The narcissist -aintains this %ro(ected i-age and in*ests
resources and energ& in it! so-eti-es de%leting hi- to the %oint of
rendering hi- *ulnera,le to e@ternal threats.
:ut the -ost i-%ortant characteristic of such an i-age is its
lo*a,ilit&.
To a narcissist! lo*e is interchangea,le .ith other e-otions! such
as a.e! res%ect! ad-iration! or e*en -ere attention <collecti*el&
+no.n as Narcissistic 4u%%l&=. Thus! to hi-! a %ro(ected i-age!
.hich %ro*o+es these reactions in others / is ,oth Hlo*ea,le and
lo*edH. 3t also feels li+e self7lo*e.
The -ore successful this %ro(ected i-age <or series of
successi*e i-ages= is in generating Narcissistic 4u%%l& / the -ore
the narcissist ,eco-es di*orced fro- his True 4elf and -arried to
the i-age.
3 a- not sa&ing that the narcissist does not ha*e a central
nucleus of a HselfH. All 3 a- sa&ing is that he %refers his i-age /
.ith .hich he identifies unreser*edl& / to his True 4elf. The True
4elf ,eco-es serf to the 3-age. The narcissist! therefore! is not
selfish ,ecause his self is %aral&sed and su,ordinate.
The narcissist is not tuned e@clusi*el& to his needs. On the
contrar&: he ignores the- ,ecause -an& of the- conflict .ith his
o-ni%otent and o-niscient i-age. He does not %ut hi-self first /
he %uts his self last. He caters to the needs and .ishes of e*er&one
around hi- / ,ecause he cra*es their lo*e and ad-iration. 3t is
through their reactions that he acquires a sense of distinct self. 3n
-an& .a&s he annuls hi-self / onl& to re7in*ent hi-self through
the loo+ of others. He is the %erson -ost insensiti*e to his true
needs.
The narcissist drains hi-self of -ental energ& in this %rocess.
This is .h& he has no energ& left to dedicate to others. This fact as
.ell as his ina,ilit& to lo*e hu-an ,eings in their -an& di-ensions
and facets / transfor- hi- into a -ental recluse. His soul is
fortified and in the solace of this fortification he guards its territor&
(ealousl& and fiercel&. He %rotects .hat he %ercei*es to constitute
his inde%endence.
5h& should %eo%le indulge the narcissist> And .hat is the
He*olutionar&H! sur*i*al *alue of %referring one +ind of lo*e <directed
at an i-age= to another <directed at one9s self=>
These questions tor-ent the narcissist. His con*oluted -ind
co-es u% .ith the -ost ela,orate contra%tions in lieu of ans.ers.
5h& should %eo%le indulge the narcissist! di*ert ti-e and energ&!
gi*e hi- attention! lo*e and adulation> The narcissist9s ans.er is
si-%le: ,ecause he is entitled to it. He feels that he deser*es
.hate*er he succeeds to e@tract fro- others and -uch -ore.
Actuall&! he feels ,etra&ed! discri-inated against and
under%ri*ileged ,ecause he ,elie*es that he is not ,eing treated
fairl&! that he should get -ore than he does.
There is a discre%anc& ,et.een his infinite certaint& that his is a
s%ecial status .orth& of recurrent %raise and adoration! re%lete .ith
s%ecial ,enefits and %rerogati*es / and the actual state of his
affairs. To the narcissist! this status of uniqueness is ,esto.ed
u%on hi- not ,& *irtue of his achie*e-ents! ,ut -erel& ,ecause he
e@ists. His -ere e@istence is sufficientl& unique to .arrant the +ind
of treat-ent that he e@%ects to get fro- the .orld. Herein lies a
%arado@! .hich haunts the narcissist: he deri*es his sense of
uniqueness fro- the *er& fact that he e@ists and he deri*es his
sense of e@istence fro- his ,elief that he is unique.
Clinical data sho. that there is rarel& an& realistic ,asis for these
grandiose notions of greatness and uniqueness.
4o-e narcissists are high achie*ers .ith %ro*en trac+ records.
4o-e of the- are %illars of their co--unities. Mostl&! the& are
d&na-ic and successful. 4till! the& are ridiculousl& %o-%ous and
inflated %ersonalities! ,ordering on the farcical and %ro*o+ing
resent-ent.
The narcissist is forced to use other %eo%le in order to feel that he
e@ists. 3t is trough their e&es and through their ,eha*iour that he
o,tains %roof of his uniqueness and grandeur. He is a ha,itual
H%eo%le7(un+ieH. 5it h ti-e! he co-es to regard those around hi- as
-ere instru-ents of gratification! as t.o7di-ensional cartoon
figures .ith negligi,le lines in the scri%t of his -agnificent life.
He ,eco-es unscru%ulous! ne*er ,othered ,& the constant use
he -a+es of his -ilieu! indifferent to the consequences of his
actions! the da-age and the %ain that he inflicts on others and
e*en the social conde-nation and sanctions that he often has to
endure.
5hen a %erson %ersists in a d&sfunctional! -alada%ti*e or %lain
useless ,eha*iour des%ite gra*e re%ercussions to hi-self and to
his surroundings / .e sa& that his acts are co-%ulsi*e. The
narcissist is co-%ulsi*e in his %ursuit of Narcissistic 4u%%l&. This
lin+age ,et.een narcissis- and o,sessi*e7co-%ulsi*e disorders
sheds light on the -echanis-s of the narcissistic %s&che.
The narcissist does not suffer fro- a fault& sense of causation.
He is not o,li*ious to the li+el& outco-es of his actions and to the
%rice he -a& ha*e to %a&. :ut he doesn9t care.
A %ersonalit& .hose *er& e@istence is a deri*ati*e of its reflection
in other %eo%le9s -inds / is %erilousl& de%endent on these %eo%le9s
%erce%tions. The& are the source of its Narcissistic 4u%%l& <N4=.
Criticis- and disa%%ro*al are inter%reted as a .ithholding of this
su%%l& and as a direct threat to the *er& -ental e@istence of the
narcissist.
The narcissist li*es in a .orld of all or nothing! of a constant Hto
,e or not ,eH. E*er& discussion that he holds! e*er& glance of e*er&
%asser7,& reaffir-s his e@istence or casts it in dou,t. This is .h&
the reactions of the narcissist see- so dis%ro%ortionate: he reacts
to .hat he %ercei*es to i-%eril the *er& cohesion of his self. Thus!
e*er& -inor disagree-ent .ith a 4ource of Narcissistic 4u%%l& /
another %erson / is inter%reted as a threat to the narcissist9s *er&
self7definition.
This is such a crucial -atter! that the narcissist cannot ta+e
chances. He .ould rather ,e -ista+en / then re-ain .ithout
Narcissistic 4u%%l&. He .ould rather discern disa%%ro*al and
un(ustified criticis- .here there is none / then face the
consequences of ,eing caught off7guard.
The narcissist has to condition his hu-an en*iron-ent to refrain
fro- e@%ressing criticis- and disa%%ro*al of hi- or of his actions
and decisions. He has to teach %eo%le around hi- that these
%ro*o+e hi- into frightful fits of te-%er and rage attac+s and turn
hi- into a constantl& cantan+erous and irasci,le %erson. His
e@aggerated reactions constitute a %unish-ent for their
inconsiderateness and their ignorance of his true %s&chological
state.
The narcissist ,la-es others for his ,eha*iour! accuses the- of
%ro*o+ing hi- into his te-%er tantru-s and ,elie*es fir-l& that
Hthe&H should ,e %unished for their H-is,eha*iourH. A%ologies /
unless acco-%anied ,& *er,al or other hu-iliation / are not
enough. The fuel of the narcissist9s rage is s%ent -ainl& on *itriolic
*er,al send7offs directed at the <often i-aginar&= %er%etrator of the
<oft i-aginar&= offence.
The narcissist / .ittingl& or not / utilises %eo%le to ,uttress his
self7i-age and sense of self7.orth. As long and in as -uch as the&
are instru-ental in achie*ing these goals / he holds the- in high
regard! the& are *alua,le to hi-. He sees the- onl& through this
lens. This is a result of his ina,ilit& to lo*e hu-ans: he lac+s
e-%ath&! he thin+s utilit&! and he reduces others to -ere
instru-ents.
3f the& cease to HfunctionH! if / no -atter ho. inad*ertentl& / the&
cause hi- to dou,t this illusor&! half7,a+ed! self7estee- / the&
,eco-e the su,(ect of a reign of terror. The narcissist then
%roceeds to hurt these Hinsu,ordinatesH. He ,elittles and hu-iliates
the-. He dis%la&s aggression and *iolence in -&riad for-s. His
,eha*iour -eta-or%hesises! +aleidosco%icall&! fro- o*er7*aluation
of the useful other / to a se*ere de*aluation of sa-e. The narcissist
a,hors! al-ost %h&siologicall&! %eo%le (udged ,& hi- to ,e
HuselessH.
These ra%id alterations ,et.een a,solute o*er*aluation
<idealisation= to co-%lete de*aluation of others -a+e long7ter-
inter%ersonal relationshi%s .ith the narcissist all ,ut i-%ossi,le.
The -ore %athological for- of narcissis- / the Narcissistic
Personalit& Disorder <NPD= / .as defined in successi*e *ersions of
the A-erican D4M <Diagnostic and 4tatistical Manual %u,lished ,&
the A-erican Ps&chiatric Association= and the international 3CD
<Classification of Mental and :eha*ioural Disorders! %u,lished ,&
the 5orld Health Organisation=. 3t is useful to scrutinise these
geological la&ers of clinical o,ser*ations and their inter%retation. 3n
1EE the D4M7333 criteria included:
K An inflated *aluation of oneself <e@aggeration of talents and
achie*e-ents! de-onstration of %resu-%tuous self7
confidence=L
K 3nter%ersonal e@%loitation <uses others to satisf& his needs and
desires! e@%ects %referential treat-ent .ithout underta+ing
-utual co--it-ents=L
K Possesses e@%ansi*e i-agination <e@ternalises i--ature and
non7regi-ented fantasies! H%re*aricates to redee- self7
illusionsH=L
K Dis%la&s su%ercilious i-%ertur,a,ilit& <e@ce%t .hen the
narcissistic confidence is sha+en=! nonchalant! uni-%ressed
and cold7,loodedL
K Defecti*e social conscience <re,els against the con*entions of
co--on social e@istence! does not *alue %ersonal integrit& and
the rights of other %eo%le=.
Co-%are the 1EE *ersion .ith the one ado%ted 1# &ears later <in
the D4M73337)= and e@%anded u%on in 1P <in the D4M738= and in
"### <the D4M7387T)=. Gou can find the criteria on:
htt%:66,eha*enet.co-6ca%sules6disorders6narcissistic%d.ht-.
The narcissist is %ortra&ed as a -onster! a ruthless and
e@%loitati*e %erson. Get! inside! the narcissist suffers fro- a chronic
lac+ of confidence and is funda-entall& dissatisfied. On the
outside! his is a *icissitudinal nature. This is far fro- reflecting the
,arren landsca%e of -iser& and fears that constitutes his soul. His
tu-ultuous ,eha*iour co*ers u% for a su,-issi*e! de%ressed
interior.
Ho. can such contrasts coe@ist>
1reud <11M= offered a trilateral -odel of the hu-an %s&che!
co-%osed of the 3d! the Ego and the 4u%erego.
According to 1reud! narcissists are do-inated ,& their Ego to
such an e@tent that the 3d and 4u%erego are neutralised. Earl& in
his career! 1reud ,elie*ed narcissis- to ,e a nor-al de*elo%-ental
%hase ,et.een autoeroticis- and o,(ect7lo*e. 'ater on! he
concluded that the de*elo%-ent c&cle can ,e th.arted ,& the *er&
efforts .e all -a+e in our infanc& to de*elo% the ca%acit& to lo*e an
o,(ect <another %erson=.
4o-e of us! thus 1reud! fail to gro. ,e&ond the %hase of self7
lo*e in the de*elo%-ent of the li,ido. Others refer to the-sel*es
and %refer the-sel*es as o,(ects of lo*e. This choice / to
concentrate on the self / is the result of an unconscious decision to
gi*e u% an unre.arding effort to lo*e others and to trust the-.
The child learns that the onl& %erson he can trust to al.a&s and
relia,l& ,e a*aila,le! the onl& %erson he can lo*e .ithout ,eing
a,andoned or hurt / is hi-self. 3n the earl& childhood of the
narcissist! -eaningful others .ere inconsistent in their acce%tance
of hi- and %aid attention to hi- onl& .hen the& .ished to satisf&
their needs. The& tended to ignore hi- .hen these needs .ere no
longer %ressing or e@istent.
4o! the child learned to a*oid dee%er relationshi%s in order to
esca%e this %ainful a%%roach7a*oidance %endulu-. Protecting
hi-self fro- hurt and fro- a,andon-ent! he insulates hi-self fro-
%eo%le around hi-. He digs in / rather than s%ring out.
As children! all of us go through this %hase of dis,elief. 5e all %ut
%eo%le around us <the afore-entioned o,(ects= to a test. This is the
H%ri-ar& narcissistic stageH. A %ositi*e relationshi% .ith one9s
%arents or caregi*ers <Pri-ar& O,(ects= secures the s-ooth
transition to Ho,(ect lo*eH. The child forgoes his narcissis-.
?i*ing u% one9s narcissis- is tough. Narcissis- is alluring!
soothing! .ar- and de%enda,le. 3t is al.a&s %resent and
o-ni%resent. 3t is custo- tailored to the needs of the indi*idual. To
lo*e oneself is to ha*e the %erfect lo*er. ?ood reasons and strong
forces / H%arental lo*eH are required to -oti*ate the child to gi*e it
u%.
The child %rogresses in order to ,e a,le to lo*e his %arents. 3f
the& are narcissists! the& su,(ect hi- to the idealisation <o*er7
*aluation= and de*aluation c&cle. The& do not relia,l& satisf& the
child9s needs. 3n other .ords! the& frustrate hi-. He graduall&
realises that he is no -ore than a to&! an instru-ent! a -eans to an
end / his %arents9 gratification.
This shoc+ing re*elation defor-s the ,udding Ego. The child
for-s a strong de%endence <as o%%osed to attach-ent= on his
%arents. This de%endence is reall& a reflection of fear! the -irror
i-age of aggression. 3n 1reud7s%ea+ <%s&choanal&sis= .e sa& that
the child is li+el& to de*elo% accentuated oral fi@ations and
regressions. 3n %lain ter-s! .e are li+el& to see a lost! %ho,ic!
hel%less! raging child.
:ut a child is still a child and his relationshi% .ith his %arents is of
ulti-ate i-%ortance to hi-.
He! therefore! resists his reactions and tries to defuse his li,idinal
and aggressi*e sensations and e-otions. This .a&! he ho%es to
reha,ilitate the da-aged relationshi% <.hich ne*er reall& e@isted=.
Hence the %ri-ordial confa,ulation! the -other of all future
narcissistic fantasies. 3n his e-,attled -ind! he transfor-s the
4u%erego into an idealised! sadistic %arent7child. His Ego ,eco-es
the co-%le-enting %art in this i-aginar& %la& of in*ented roles: a
hated! de*alued child7%arent.
The fa-il& is the -ains%ring of su%%ort of e*er& +ind. 3t -o,ilises
%s&chological resources and alle*iates e-otional ,urdens. 3t allo.s
for the sharing of tas+s! %ro*ides -aterial su%%lies cou%led .ith
cogniti*e training. 3t is the %ri-e socialisation agent and
encourages the a,sor%tion of infor-ation! -ost of it useful and
ada%ti*e.
This di*ision of la,our ,et.een %arents and children is *ital ,oth
to de*elo%-ent and to %ro%er ada%tation. The child -ust feel! as he
does in a functional fa-il&! that he can share his e@%eriences
.ithout ,eing defensi*e and that the feed,ac+ that he is getting is
o%en and un,iased. The onl& H,iasH acce%ta,le <often ,ecause it is
consistent .ith constant outside feed,ac+= is the fa-il&9s set of
,eliefs! *alues and goals that are finall& internalised ,& the child ,&
.a& of i-itation and unconscious identification.
4o! the fa-il& is the first and the -ost i-%ortant source of identit&
and e-otional su%%ort. 3t is a greenhouse .here a child feels lo*ed!
acce%ted and secure / the %rerequisites for the de*elo%-ent of
%ersonal resources. On the -aterial le*el! the fa-il& should %ro*ide
the ,asic necessities <and! %refera,l&! ,e&ond=! %h&sical care and
%rotection and refuge and shelter during crises.
The role of the -other <the Pri-ar& O,(ect= has ,een often
discussed and dissected. The father9s %art is -ostl& neglected!
e*en in %rofessional literature. Ho.e*er! recent research
de-onstrates his i-%ortance to the orderl& and health&
de*elo%-ent of the child.
The father %artici%ates in the da&7to7da& care! is an intellectual
catal&st! .ho encourages the child to de*elo% his interests and to
satisf& his curiosit& through the -ani%ulation of *arious instru-ents
and ga-es. He is a source of authorit& and disci%line! a ,oundar&
setter! enforcing and encouraging %ositi*e ,eha*iours and
eli-inating negati*e ones. He also %ro*ides e-otional su%%ort and
econo-ic securit&! thus sta,ilising the fa-il& unit. 1inall&! he is the
%ri-e source of -asculine orientation and identification to the -ale
child / and gi*es .ar-th and lo*e as a -ale to his daughter!
.ithout e@ceeding the sociall& %er-issi,le li-its.
5e can safel& sa& that the narcissist9s fa-il& is as se*erel&
disordered as he is. Pathological narcissis- is largel& a reflection of
this d&sfunction. This en*iron-ent ,reeds self7dece%tion. The
narcissist9s internal dialogue is H3 do ha*e a relationshi% .ith -&
%arents. 3t is -& fault / the fault of -& e-otions! sensations!
aggressions and %assions / that this relationshi% is not .or+ing. 3t
is! therefore! -& res%onsi,ilit& to -a+e a-ends. 3 .ill construct a
narrati*e in .hich 3 a- ,oth lo*ed and %unished. 3n this scri%t! 3 .ill
allocate roles to -&self and to -& %arents. This .a&! e*er&thing .ill
,e fine and .e .ill all ,e ha%%&.H
Thus starts the c&cle of o*er7*aluation <idealisation= and
de*aluation. The dual roles of sadist and %unished -asochist
<4u%erego and Ego=! %arent and child! %er-eate all the of the
narcissist9s interactions .ith other %eo%le.
The narcissist e@%eriences a re*ersal of roles as his relationshi%s
%rogress. At the ,eginning of a relationshi% he is the child in need
of attention! a%%ro*al and ad-iration. He ,eco-es de%endent.
Then! at the first sign of disa%%ro*al <real or i-aginar&=! he is
transfor-ed into an a*o.ed sadist! %unishing and inflicting %ain.
3t is co--onl& agreed that a loss <real or %ercei*ed= at a critical
(unction in the %s&chological de*elo%-ent of the child / forces hi-
to refer to hi-self for nurturing and for gratification. The child
ceases to trust others and his a,ilit& to de*elo% o,(ect lo*e or to
idealise is ha-%ered. He is constantl& shado.ed ,& the feeling that
onl& he can satisf& his e-otional needs.
He e@%loits %eo%le! so-eti-es unintentionall&! ,ut al.a&s
ruthlessl& and -ercilessl&. He uses the- to o,tain confir-ation of
the accurac& of his grandiose self7%ortrait.
The narcissist is usuall& a,o*e treat-ent. He +no.s ,est. He
feels su%erior to his thera%ist in %articular and to the science of
%s&cholog& in general. He see+s treat-ent onl& follo.ing a -a(or
life crisis! .hich directl& threatens his %ro(ected and %ercei*ed
i-age. The narcissist9s H%rideH has to ,e se*erel& in(ured to
-oti*ate hi- to ad-it his need for hel%.
E*en then! the thera%& sessions rese-,le a ,attlefield. The
narcissist is aloof and distanced! de-onstrates his su%eriorit& in a
-&riad of .a&s! resents .hat he %ercei*es to ,e an intrusion on his
inner-ost sanctu-. He is offended ,& an& hint regarding defects or
d&sfunctions in his %ersonalit& or in his ,eha*iour. A narcissist is a
narcissist is a narcissist / e*en .hen he as+s for hel% .ith his .orld
and .orld*ie. shattered.
033endi5 ) ",je(t Relations #*eories and Nar(issis<
Otto Fern,erg <1EM! 1DP! 1DE= disagrees .ith 1reud. He regards
the di*ision ,et.een an Ho,(ect li,idoH <energ& directed at o,(ects!
-eaningful others! %eo%le in the i--ediate *icinit& of the infant=
and a Hnarcissistic li,idoH <energ& directed at the self as the -ost
i--ediate and satisf&ing o,(ect=! .hich %recedes it / as s%urious.
5hether a HchildH de*elo%s nor-al or %athological narcissis-
de%ends on the relations ,et.een the re%resentations of the self
<roughl&! the i-age of the self that the child for-s in his -ind= and
the re%resentations of o,(ects <roughl&! the i-ages of other %eo%le
that the child for-s in his -ind! ,ased on all the e-otional and
o,(ecti*e infor-ation a*aila,le to hi-=. 3t is also de%endent on the
relationshi% ,et.een the re%resentations of the self and real!
e@ternal! Ho,(ecti*eH o,(ects. Add to this instinctual conflicts related
,oth to the li,ido and to aggression <these *er& strong e-otions
gi*e rise to strong conflicts in the child= and a co-%rehensi*e
e@%lanation concerning the for-ation of %athological narcissis-
e-erges.
Fern,erg9s conce%t of 4elf is closel& related to 1reud9s conce%t of
Ego. The self is de%endent u%on the unconscious! .hich e@erts a
constant influence on all -ental functions. Pathological narcissis-!
therefore! reflects a li,idinal in*est-ent in a %athologicall&
structured self and not in a nor-al! integrati*e structure of the self.
The narcissist suffers ,ecause his self is de*alued or fi@ated on
aggression. All o,(ect relations of such a self are distorted: it
detaches fro- real o,(ects <,ecause the& hurt hi- often=!
dissociates! re%resses! or %ro(ects. Narcissis- is not -erel& a
fi@ation on an earl& de*elo%-ental stage. 3t is not confined to the
failure to de*elo% intra7%s&chic structures. 3t is an acti*e! li,idinal
in*est-ent in a defor-ed structure of the self.
1ranA Fohut regarded narcissis- as the final %roduct of the
failing efforts of %arents to co%e .ith the needs of the child to
idealise and to ,e grandiose <for instance! to ,e o-ni%otent=.
3dealisation is an i-%ortant de*elo%-ental %ath leading to
narcissis-. The child -erges the idealised as%ects of the i-ages of
the %arents <3-ago in Fohut9s ter-inolog&= .ith those .ide
seg-ents of the i-age of the %arent .hich are cathected <infused=
.ith o,(ect li,ido <in .hich the child in*ests the energ& that he
reser*es for o,(ects=.
This e@erts an enor-ous and all7i-%ortant influence on the re7
internalisation %rocesses <the %rocesses in .hich the child re7
introduces the o,(ects and their i-ages into his -ind= in each of the
successi*e %hases. Through these %rocesses! t.o %er-anent
nuclei of the %ersonalit& are constructed:
a. The ,asic! neutralising te@ture of the %s&che! and
,. The ideal 4u%erego
:oth of the- are characterised ,& an in*ested instinctual
narcissistic cathe@is <in*ested energ& of self7lo*e .hich is
instinctual=.
At first! the child idealises his %arents. As he gro.s! he ,egins to
notice their shortco-ings and *ices. He .ithdra.s %art of the
idealising li,ido fro- the i-ages of the %arents! .hich is conduci*e
to the natural de*elo%-ent of the 4u%erego. The narcissistic %art of
the child9s %s&che re-ains *ulnera,le throughout its de*elo%-ent.
This is largel& true until the HchildH re7internalises the ideal %arent
i-age.
Also! the *er& construction of the -ental a%%aratus can ,e
ta-%ered .ith ,& trau-atic deficiencies and ,& o,(ect losses right
through the Oedi%al %eriod <and e*en in latenc& and in
adolescence=.
The sa-e effect can ,e attri,uted to trau-atic disa%%oint-ent ,&
o,(ects.
Distur,ances leading to the for-ation of NPD can ,e thus
grou%ed into:
1. 8er& earl& distur,ances in the relationshi% .ith an ideal o,(ect.
These lead to a structural .ea+ness of the %ersonalit&! .hich
de*elo%s a deficient and6or d&sfunctional sti-uli7filtering
-echanis-. The a,ilit& of the indi*idual to -aintain a ,asic
narcissistic ho-eostasis of the %ersonalit& is da-aged.
4uch a %erson suffers fro- diffusi*e narcissistic *ulnera,ilit&.
". A distur,ance occurring later in life / ,ut still %re7Oedi%all& /
affects the %re7Oedi%al for-ation of the ,asic fa,ric of the
control! channelling and neutralising of dri*es and urges. The
nature of the distur,ance has to ,e a trau-atic encounter .ith
the ideal o,(ect <such as a -a(or disa%%oint-ent=. The
s&-%to-atic -anifestation of this structural defect is the
%ro%ensit& to re / se@ualise dri*e deri*ati*es and internal and
e@ternal conflicts either in the for- of fantasies or in the for-
of de*iant acts.
$. A distur,ance for-ed in the Oedi%al or e*en in the earl& latent
%hases / inhi,its the co-%letion of the 4u%erego idealisation.
This is es%eciall& true of a disa%%oint-ent related to an ideal
o,(ect of the late %re7Oedi%al and the Oedi%al stages! .here
the %artl& idealised e@ternal %arallel of the ne.l& internalised
o,(ect is trau-aticall& destro&ed.
4uch a %erson %ossesses a set of *alues and standards / ,ut he
fore*er loo+s for ideal e@ternal figures fro- .ho- he as%ires to
deri*e the affir-ation and the leadershi% that his insufficientl&
idealised 4u%erego cannot su%%l&.
)eturn
Malignant
Self Love
Narcissism Revisited
Frequently Asked Questions
1)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON C "
Pat*ologi(al Nar(issis<
0 .-sA'n(tion or a Blessing@
Co##ents on recent research !+ :o+ ;a$#ester(
3s %athological narcissis- a ,lessing or a -alediction>
The ans.er is: it de%ends. Health& narcissis- is a -ature!
,alanced lo*e of oneself cou%led .ith a sta,le sense of self7.orth
and self7estee-. Health& narcissis- i-%lies +no.ledge of one9s
,oundaries and a %ro%ortionate and realistic a%%raisal of one9s
achie*e-ents and traits. Pathological narcissis- is .rongl&
descri,ed as too -uch health& narcissis- <or too -uch self7
estee-=. These are t.o a,solutel& unrelated %heno-ena .hich!
regretta,l&! ca-e to ,ear the sa-e title. Confusing %athological
narcissis- .ith self7estee- ,etra&s a funda-ental ignorance of
,oth.
Pathological narcissis- in*ol*es an i-%aired! d&sfunctional!
i--ature <True= 4elf cou%led .ith a co-%ensator& fiction <the 1alse
4elf=. The sic+ narcissist9s sense of self7.orth and self7estee-
deri*e entirel& fro- audience feed,ac+. The narcissist has no self7
estee- or self7.orth of his o.n <no such Ego functions=. 3n the
a,sence of o,ser*ers! the narcissist shri*els to non7e@istence and
feels dead. Hence the narcissist9s %re&ing ha,its in his constant
%ursuit of Narcissistic 4u%%l&. Pathological narcissis- is an
addicti*e ,eha*iour.
4till! d&sfunctions are reactions to a,nor-al en*iron-ents and
situations <e.g.! a,use! trau-a! s-othering! etc.=.
Parado@icall&! his d&sfunction allo.s the narcissist to function. 3t
co-%ensates for lac+s and deficiencies ,& e@aggerating tendencies
and traits. 3t is li+e the tactile sense of a ,lind %erson. 3n short:
%athological narcissis- is a result of o*er7sensiti*it&! the re%ression
of o*er.hel-ing -e-ories and e@%eriences! and the su%%ression
of inordinatel& strong negati*e feelings <e.g.! hurt! en*&! anger! or
hu-iliation=.
That the narcissist functions at all / is ,ecause of his %atholog&
and than+s to it. The alternati*e is co-%lete deco-%ensation and
integration.
3n ti-e! the narcissist learns ho. to le*erage his %atholog&! ho.
to use it to his ad*antage! ho. to de%lo& it in order to -a@i-ise
,enefits and utilities / in other .ords! ho. to transfor- his curse
into a ,lessing.
Narcissists are o,sessed ,& delusions of fantastic grandeur and
su%eriorit&. As a result the& are *er& co-%etiti*e. The& are strongl&
co-%elled / .here others are -erel& -oti*ated. The& are dri*en!
relentless! tireless! and ruthless. The& often -a+e it to the to%. :ut
e*en .hen the& do not / the& stri*e and fight and learn and cli-,
and create and thin+ and de*ise and design and cons%ire. 1aced
.ith a challenge / the& are li+el& to do ,etter than non7narcissists.
Get! .e often find that narcissists a,andon their efforts in -id7
strea-! gi*e u%! *anish! lose interest! de*alue for-er %ursuits! or
slu-%. 5h& is that>
A challenge! or e*en a guaranteed e*entual triu-%h / are
-eaningless in the a,sence of onloo+ers. The narcissist needs an
audience to a%%laud! affir-! recoil! a%%ro*e! ad-ire! adore! fear! or
e*en detest hi-. He cra*es the attention and de%ends on the
Narcissistic 4u%%l& onl& others can %ro*ide. The narcissist deri*es
sustenance onl& fro- the outside / his e-otional innards are
hollo. and -ori,und.
The narcissist9s enhanced %erfor-ance is %redicated on the
e@istence of a challenge <real or i-aginar&= and of an audience.
:au-eister usefull& re7affir-ed this lin+age! +no.n to theoreticians
since 1reud.
Frst p$!%she& on the <$te 101 )arcssstc *ersona%t+ ,sor&ers Topc(
)eturn
1)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON C 1M
#*e Nar(issistBs Rea(tion to .eAi(ient
Nar(issisti( S'33l-
Question: Ho. does the narcissist react .hen not in recei%t of
sufficient Narcissistic 4u%%l&>
ns!er: 8er& -uch as a drug addict .ould react to the a,sence of
his %articular drug. The narcissist constantl& consu-es <reall&!
%re&s u%on= adoration! ad-iration! a%%ro*al! a%%lause! attention
and other for-s of Narcissistic 4u%%l&. 5hen lac+ing or deficient! a
Narcissistic Deficienc& D&s%horia sets in. The narcissist loo+s
de%ressed! his -o*e-ents slo. do.n! his slee% %atterns are
distur,ed <he either slee%s too -uch or ,eco-es inso-niac=! his
eating %atterns change <he gorges on food or is una,le e*en to loo+
at it=. He is ,e constantl& d&s%horic <sad=! anhedonic <finds no
interest in the .orld! no %leasure in an&thing or in an& of his for-er
%ursuits and interests=. He is su,(ected to *iolent -ood s.ings
<-ainl& rage attac+s= and all his <*isi,le and %ainful= efforts at self7
control fail. He -a& co-%ulsi*el& and rituall& resort to an alternati*e
addiction / alcohol! drugs! reading. This constitutes a futile effort of
the narcissist ,oth to esca%e his %redica-ent / and to su,li-ate
his aggressi*e urges. His .hole ,eha*iour see-s constrained!
artificial! full of effort and toil. The narcissist graduall& turns -ore
and -ore -echanical! detached! unreal. His thoughts constantl&
.ander or ,eco-e o,sessi*e and re%etiti*e! his s%eech -a& falter!
he a%%ears to ,e far a.a&! in a .orld of his narcissistic fantasies!
.here Narcissistic 4u%%l& is a%lent&. He .ithdra.s fro- this %ainful
.orld .hich +no.s not ho. to a%%reciate his greatness! s%ecial
s+ills and talents! %otential! or achie*e-ents. The narcissist thus
ceases to ,esto. hi-self u%on a cruel uni*erse! %unishing it for its
shortco-ings! its ina,ilit& to realise ho. unique the narcissist is. A
schiAoid -ode sets in: the narcissist isolates hi-self! a her-it in the
+ingdo- of his hurt. He -ini-ises his social interactions and uses
H-essengersH to co--unicate .ith the outside. De*oid of energ&!
the narcissist can no longer %retend or succu-, to social
con*entions. His for-er co-%liance gi*es .a& to o%en .ithdra.al
<a re,ellion of sorts=. His for-er s-iles are transfor-ed to fro.ns!
courtes& ,eco-es rudeness! e-%hasised etiquette used as a
.ea%on! an outlet of aggression! an act of *iolence.
The narcissist! ,linded ,& %ain! see+s to restore his ,alance! to
ta+e another si% of the narcissistic nectar. 3n his quest! the
narcissist turns to and u%on those nearest to hi-. His real attitude
e-erges: for hi-! the& are ,ut tools! one7di-ensional instru-ents
on the %ath to gratification! 4ources of 4u%%l& or %i-%s of such
su%%l&! catering to his narcissistic lusts. He regards the- as
shallo.! no longer functioning o,(ects. 3n his .rath! he tries to -end
the- ,& forcing the- to %erfor- again! to function. This is cou%led
.ith horrendous and torrential self7flagellation! a deser*edl& self7
inflicted %unish-ent! or so the narcissist feels. 3n e@tre-e cases of
de%ri*ation! the narcissist -a& entertain suicidal thoughts! this is
ho. dee%l& he loathes his self and his condition.
Through all this! the narcissist is ,eset ,& a %er*ading sense of
nostalgia. 3t is a -alignant *ariet&! har+ing ,ac+ to a %ast! .hich
ne*er e@isted e@ce%t in the th.arted grandiosit& of the narcissist.
The longer the lac+ of Narcissistic 4u%%l&! the -ore this %ast is
glorified! re7.ritten! -issed and -ourned. This ser*es to enhance
all the other negati*e feelings. Put together! it alread& a-ounts to
.hat -ight ,e clinicall& descri,ed as de%ression. The narcissist
then glides into the shores of %aranoia. 1ro- his -ental closet! he
dra.s a -odel of a %rosecuting .orld! incor%orating in it those
around hi- and e*ents in his recent life. This gi*es -eaning to
.hat is erroneousl& %ercei*ed ,& the narcissist as a sudden shift
fro- o*er su%%l& to under or to no su%%l& <such o*er and under
*aluations are t&%ical of hi-=. The a%%arent di-inishing of the
Narcissistic 4u%%l& is ,est e@%lained ,& a theor& of cons%irac&. The
narcissist then / in %ain! in des%air! in fear / e-,ar+s u%on an org&
of self7destruction intended to generate Halternati*e 4u%%l&
4ourcesH <attention= at an& cost. The narcissist is %oised to co--it
the ulti-ate narcissistic act: self7destruction in the ser*ice of self7
aggrandise-ent.
5hen de%ri*ed of Narcissistic 4u%%l& / %ri-ar& AND secondar& /
the narcissist feels annulled. 3t feels -uch li+e ,eing hollo.ed out!
-entall& dise-,o.elled or .atching oneself die. 3t is e*a%oration!
disintegration into -olecules of terrified anguish! hel%lessl& and
ine@ora,l&.
5ithout Narcissistic 4u%%l& / the narcissist cru-,les! li+e the
Ao-,ies or the *a-%ires one sees in horror -o*ies. 3t is terrif&ing
and the narcissist .ill do an&thing to a*oid it. Thin+ a,out the
narcissist as a drug addict. His .ithdra.al s&-%to-s are identical:
delusions! %h&siological effects! irrita,ilit&! e-otional la,ilit&.
Narcissists often e@%erience ,rief! deco-%ensator& %s&chotic
e%isodes .hen their %s&che is disasse-,led / either deli,eratel& in
thera%& or follo.ing a life7crisis acco-%anied ,& a -a(or narcissistic
in(ur&.
These %s&chotic e%isodes -a& ,e closel& allied to another
feature of narcissis-: -agical thin+ing. Narcissists are li+e children
in this sense. Man&! for instance! full& ,elie*e in t.o things: that
.hate*er ha%%ens / the& .ill %re*ail and that good things .ill
al.a&s ha%%en to the-. 3t is -ore than a ,elief! reall&. Narcissists
(ust FNO5 it! the sa-e .a& one +no.s gra*it& / directl&!
i--ediatel& and surel&.
The narcissist ,elie*es that! no -atter .hat he does! he .ill
al.a&s ,e forgi*en! al.a&s %re*ail and triu-%h! al.a&s co-e on
to%. The narcissist is! therefore! fearless in a -anner %ercei*ed ,&
others to ,e ,oth ad-ira,le and insane. He attri,utes to hi-self
di*ine and cos-ic i--unit& / he cloa+s -&self in it! it renders hi-
in*isi,le to his ene-ies and to the %o.ers of He*ilH. 3t is a childish
%hantas-agoria / ,ut to the narcissist it is *er& real.
The narcissist +no.s .ith religious certaint& that good things .ill
ha%%en to hi-. 5i th equal certitude! the -ore self7a.are of the-
+no. that the& .ill squander their good fortune ti-e and again in a
,ede*illed effort to defeat the-sel*es.
4o! no -atter .hat serendi%it&! .hat luc+& circu-stance! .hat
,lessing the narcissist recei*es / he al.a&s stri*es .ith ,lind fur& to
deflect the-! to defor- and to ruin.
)eturn
1)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON C 1Q
#*e .el'sional 6a- "'t
Question: 5hen -& hus,and goes through a ,ad s%ot! he shuts
hi-self in his den all da& long! doesn9t tal+ to an&one! (ust surfs the
5e,. 3s this t&%ical> 4hould 3 ,e .orried>
ns!er: The stud& of narcissis- is a centur& old and the t.o
scholarl& de,ates central to its conce%tion are still undecided. 3s
there such a thing as HEA'THG adult narcissis- <Fohut= / or are
all the -anifestations of narcissis- in adulthood %athological
<1reud! Fern,erg=> Moreo*er! is %athological narcissis- the
outco-e of *er,al! se@ual! %h&sical! or %s&chological a,use <the
o*er.hel-ing *ie.= / or! on the contrar&! the sad result of s%oiling
the child and idolising it <Millon! the late 1reud=>
The second de,ate is easier to resol*e if one agrees to ado%t a
-ore co-%rehensi*e definition of Ha,useH. O*er.eening!
s-othering! s%oiling! o*er*aluing! and idolising the child / are all
for-s of %arental a,use.
This is ,ecause! as Horne& %ointed out! the child is dehu-anised
and instru-entalised. His %arents lo*e hi- not for .hat he reall& is
/ ,ut for .hat the& .ish and i-agine hi- to ,e: the fulfil-ent of
their drea-s and frustrated .ishes. The child ,eco-es the *essel
of his %arents9 discontented li*es! a tool! the -agic ,rush .ith .hich
the& can transfor- their failures into successes! their hu-iliation
into *ictor&! their frustrations into ha%%iness. The child is taught to
ignore realit& and to occu%& the %arental fantastic s%ace. 4uch an
unfortunate child feels o-ni%otent and o-niscient! %erfect and
,rilliant! .orth& of adoration and entitled to s%ecial treat-ent. The
faculties that are honed ,& constantl& ,rushing against ,ruising
realit& / e-%ath&! co-%assion! a realistic assess-ent of one9s
a,ilities and li-itations! realistic e@%ectations of oneself and of
others! %ersonal ,oundaries! tea- .or+! social s+ills! %erse*erance
and goal7orientation! not to -ention the a,ilit& to %ost%one
gratification and to .or+ hard to achie*e it / are all lac+ing or
-issing altogether. The child turned adult sees no reason to in*est
in his s+ills and education! con*inced that his inherent genius
should suffice. He feels entitled for -erel& ,eing! rather than for
actuall& doing <rather as the no,ilit& in da&s gone ,& felt entitled not
,& *irtue of its -erit ,ut as the ine*ita,le! foreordained outco-e of
its ,irth right=. 3n other .ords! he is not -eritocratic / ,ut
aristocratic. 3n short: a narcissist is ,orn.
:ut such a -ental structure is ,rittle! susce%ti,le to criticis- and
disagree-ent! *ulnera,le to the incessant encounter .ith a harsh
and intolerant .orld. Dee% inside! narcissists of ,oth +inds <those
.rought ,& HclassicH a,use and those &ielded ,& ,eing idolised= /
feel inadequate! %hone&! fa+e! inferior! and deser*ing of
%unish-ent. This is Millon9s -ista+e. He -a+es a distinction
,et.een se*eral t&%es of narcissists. He .rongl& assu-es that the
HclassicH narcissist is the outco-e of o*er*aluation! idolisation! and
s%oiling and! thus! is %ossessed of su%re-e! unchallenged! self7
confidence! and is de*oid of all self7dou,t. According to Millon! it is
the Hco-%ensator&H narcissist that falls %re& to nagging self7dou,ts!
feelings of inferiorit&! and a -asochistic desire for self7%unish-ent.
Get! the distinction is ,oth .rong and unnecessar&. There is onl&
ONE t&%e of narcissist / though there are T5O de*elo%-ental
%aths to it. And A'' narcissists are ,esieged ,& dee%l& ingrained
<though at ti-es not conscious= feelings of inadequac&! fears of
failure! -asochistic desires to ,e %enalised! a fluctuating sense of
self7.orth <regulated ,& Narcissistic 4u%%l&=! and an o*er.hel-ing
sensation of fa+eness.
The ?randiosit& ?a% <,et.een a fantasticall& grandiose / and
unli-ited / self7i-age and actual / li-ited / acco-%lish-ents and
achie*e-ents= is grating. 3ts recurrence threatens the %recariousl&
,alanced house of cards that is the narcissistic %ersonalit&. The
narcissist finds! to his chagrin! that %eo%le out there are -uch less
ad-iring! acco--odating and acce%ting than his %arents. As he
gro.s old! the narcissist often ,eco-es the target of constant
derision and -oc+er&! a sorr& sight indeed. His clai-s for
su%eriorit& a%%ear less %lausi,le and su,stantial the -ore and the
longer he -a+es the-.
The narcissist then resorts to self7delusion. ;na,le to co-%letel&
ignore contrarian o%inion and data / he trans-utes the-. ;na,le to
face the dis-al failure that he is! the narcissist %artiall& .ithdra.s
fro- realit&. To soothe and sal*e the %ain of disillusion-ent! he
ad-inisters to his aching soul a -i@ture of lies! distortions! half7
truths and outlandish inter%retations of e*ents around hi-. These
solutions can ,e classified thus:
#*e .el'sional Narrative Sol'tions
The narcissist constructs a narrati*e in .hich he figures as the hero
/ ,rilliant! %erfect! irresisti,l& handso-e! destined for great things!
entitled! %o.erful! .ealth&! the centre of attention! etc. The ,igger
the strain on this delusional charade / the greater the ga% ,et.een
fantas& and realit& / the -ore the delusion coalesces and solidifies.
1inall&! if it is sufficientl& %rotracted! it re%laces realit& and the
narcissist9s realit& test deteriorates. He .ithdra.s his ,ridges and
-a& ,eco-e 4chiAot&%al! catatonic! or schiAoid.
#*e Realit- Reno'n(ing Sol'tions
The narcissist renounces realit&. To his -ind! those .ho
%usillani-ousl& fail to recognise his un,ound talents! innate
su%eriorit&! o*erarching ,rilliance! ,ene*olent nature! entitle-ent!
cos-icall& i-%ortant -ission! %erfection! etc. / do not deser*e
consideration. The narcissist9s natural affinit& .ith the cri-inal / his
lac+ of e-%ath& and co-%assion! his deficient social s+ills! his
disregard for social la.s and -orals / no. eru%ts and ,losso-s.
He ,eco-es a full fledged antisocial <socio%ath or %s&cho%ath=. He
ignores the .ishes and needs of others! he ,rea+s the la.! he
*iolates all rights / natural and legal! he hold %eo%le in conte-%t
and disdain! he derides societ& and its codes! he %unishes the
ignorant ingrates / that! to his -ind! dro*e hi- to this state / ,&
acting cri-inall& and ,& (eo%ardising their safet&! li*es! or %ro%ert&.
#*e Paranoid S(*iCoid Sol'tion
The narcissist de*elo%s %ersecutor& delusions. He %ercei*es slights
and insults .here none .ere intended. He ,eco-es su,(ect to
ideas of reference <%eo%le are gossi%ing a,out hi-! -oc+ing hi-!
%r&ing into his affairs! crac+ing his e7-ail! etc.=. He is con*inced
that he is the centre of -align and -al7intentioned attention. Peo%le
are cons%iring to hu-iliate hi-! %unish hi-! a,scond .ith his
%ro%ert&! delude hi-! i-%o*erish hi-! confine hi- %h&sicall& or
intellectuall&! censor hi-! i-%ose on his ti-e! force hi- to action
<or to inaction=! frighten hi-! coerce hi-! surround and ,esiege
hi-! change his -ind! %art .ith his *alues! e*en -urder hi-! and
so on.
4o-e narcissists .ithdra. co-%letel& fro- a .orld %o%ulated
.ith such -inacious and o-inous o,(ects <reall& %ro(ections of
internal o,(ects and %rocesses=. The& a*oid all social contact!
e@ce%t the -ost necessar&. The& refrain fro- -eeting %eo%le!
falling in lo*e! ha*ing se@! tal+ing to others! or e*en corres%onding
.ith the-. 3n short: the& ,eco-e schiAoids / not out of social
sh&ness! ,ut out of .hat the& feel to ,e their choice. HThe .orld
does not deser*e -eH / goes the inner refrain / Hand 3 shall .aste
none of -& ti-e and resources on itH.
#*e Paranoid 0ggressive >$53losive? Sol'tion
Other narcissists .ho de*elo% %ersecutor& delusions! resort to an
aggressi*e stance! a -ore *iolent resolution of their internal
conflict. The& ,eco-e *er,all&! %s&chologicall&! situationall& <and!
*er& rarel&! %h&sicall&= a,usi*e. The& insult! castigate! chastise!
,erate! de-ean! and deride their nearest and dearest <often .ell
.ishers and lo*ed ones=. The& e@%lode in un%ro*o+ed dis%la&s of
indignation! righteousness! conde-nation! and ,la-e. Theirs is an
e@egetic :edla-. The& inter%ret e*er&thing / e*en the -ost
innocuous! inad*ertent! and innocent / as designed to %ro*o+e and
hu-iliate the-. The& so. fear! re*ulsion! hate! and -alignant en*&.
The& flail against the .ind-ills of realit& / a %athetic! forlorn! sight.
:ut often the& cause real and lasting da-age / fortunatel&! -ainl&
to the-sel*es.
2randiosit- and Inti<a(- ) #*e Roots oA Paranoia
Paranoid ideation / the narcissist9s dee%7rooted con*iction that he
is ,eing %ersecuted ,& his inferiors! detractors! or %o.erful ill7
.ishers / ser*es t.o %s&chod&na-ic %ur%oses. 3t u%holds the
narcissist9s grandiosit& and it fends off inti-ac&.
2randiosit- $n*an(ing Paranoia
:eing the target of relentless! u,iquitous! and un(ust %ersecution
%ro*es to the %aranoid narcissist ho. i-%ortant and feared he is.
:eing hounded ,& the -ight& and the %ri*ileged *alidates his
%i*otal role in the sche-e of things. Onl& *ital! .eight&! crucial!
essential %rinci%als are thus ,ullied and inti-idated! follo.ed and
harassed! stal+ed and intruded u%on / goes his unconscious inner
dialog. The narcissist consistentl& ,aits authorit& figures into
%unishing hi- and thus into u%holding his delusional self7i-age as
.orth& of their attention. This %ro*ocati*e ,eha*iour is called
Pro(ecti*e 3dentification. The %aranoid delusions of the narcissist
are al.a&s grandiose! Hcos-icH! or HhistoricalH. His %ursuers are
influential and for-ida,le. The& are after his unique %ossessions!
out to e@%loit his e@%ertise and s%ecial traits! or to force hi- to
a,stain and refrain fro- certain actions. The narcissist feels that he
is at the centre of intrigues and cons%iracies of colossal
-agnitudes.
Alternati*el&! the narcissist feels *icti-ised ,& -ediocre
,ureaucrats and intellectual d.ar*es .ho consistentl& fail to
a%%reciate his outstanding / reall&! un%aralleled / talents! s+ills!
and acco-%lish-ents. :eing haunted ,& his challenged inferiors
su,stantiates the narcissist9s co-%arati*e su%eriorit&. Dri*en ,&
%athological en*&! these %&g-ies collude to defraud hi-! ,adger
hi-! den& hi- his due! denigrate! isolate! and ignore hi-.
The narcissist %ro(ects onto this second class of lesser
%ersecutors his o.n deleterious e-otions and transfor-ed
aggression: hatred! rage! and seething (ealous&.
The narcissist9s %aranoid strea+ is li+eliest to eru%t .hen he lac+s
Narcissistic 4u%%l&. The regulation of his la,ile sense of self7.orth
is de%endent u%on e@ternal sti-uli / adoration! adulation!
affir-ation! a%%lause! notoriet&! fa-e! infa-&! and! in general!
attention of an& +ind.
5hen such attention is deficient! the narcissist co-%ensates ,&
confa,ulating. He constructs ungrounded narrati*es in .hich he is
the %rotagonist and uses the- to force his hu-an en*iron-ent into
co-%licit&.
Put si-%l&! he %ro*o+es %eo%le to %a& attention to hi- ,&
-is,eha*ing or ,eha*ing oddl&.
Inti<a(- Retarding Paranoia
Paranoia is use ,& the narcissist to .ard off or re*erse inti-ac&.
The narcissist is threatened ,& inti-ac& ,ecause it reduces hi- to
ordinariness ,& e@%osing his .ea+nesses and shortco-ings and ,&
causing hi- to act Hnor-all&H. The narcissist also dreads the
encounter .ith his dee% ,uried e-otions / hurt! en*&! anger!
aggression / li+el& to ,e foisted on hi- in an inti-ate relationshi%.
The %aranoid narrati*e legiti-ises inti-ac& re%elling ,eha*iours
such as +ee%ing one9s distance! secrec&! aloofness! reclusion!
aggression! intrusion on %ri*ac&! l&ing! desultoriness! itineranc&!
un%redicta,ilit&! and idios&ncratic or eccentric reactions. ?raduall&!
the narcissist succeeds to alienate and .ear do.n all his friends!
colleagues! .ell7.ishers! and -ates.
E*en his closest! nearest! and dearest! his fa-il& / feel
e-otionall& detached and H,urnt outH.
The %aranoid narcissist ends life as an odd,all recluse / derided!
feared! and loathed in equal -easures. His %aranoia / e@acer,ated
,& re%eated re(ections and ageing / %er*ades his entire life and
di-inishes his creati*it&! ada%ta,ilit&! and functioning. The
narcissist %ersonalit&! ,uffeted ,& %aranoia! turns ossified and
,rittle. 1inall&! ato-ised and useless! it succu-,s and gi*es .a& to
a great *oid. The narcissist is consu-ed.
Frst p$!%she& on the <$te 101 )arcssstc *ersona%t+ ,sor&ers Topc(
)eturn
1)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON C 1
#*e ;nsta,le Nar(issist
Question: 3s the narcissist characterised ,& insta,ilities in all the
i-%ortant as%ects of his life at the sa-e ti-e>
ns!er: A narcissist is a %erson .ho deri*es his Ego <and Ego
functions= fro- the reactions of his hu-an en*iron-ent to a
%ro(ected! in*ented i-age called the 1alse 4elf. 4ince no a,solute
control o*er such feed,ac+ of Narcissistic 4u%%l& is %ossi,le / it is
,ound to ,e *olatile / the narcissist9s *ie. of hi-self and of his
surroundings is corres%ondingl& and equall& *olatile. As H%u,lic
o%inionH fluctuates! so do his self7confidence! self7estee-!
generall&! so does his self. E*en his con*ictions are su,(ect to a
ne*er7ending *oting %rocess ,& others.
The narcissistic %ersonalit& is su,(ect to insta,ilities in each and
e*er& one of its di-ensions. 3t is the ulti-ate h&,rid: rigidl&
a-or%hous! de*outl& fle@i,le! reliant for its sustenance on the
o%inion of %eo%le! .ho- the narcissist under*alues. A large %art of
this insta,ilit& is su,su-ed under the E-otional 3n*ol*e-ent
Pre*ention Measures <E3PM= that 3 descri,e in the O*er*ie..
3nsta,ilit& is so u,iquitous! so all7%er*asi*e! and so %re*alent and
do-inant / that it -ight .ell ,e descri,ed as the ON'G sta,le
feature of the narcissist9s %ersonalit&.
The narcissist does e*er&thing .ith one goal in -ind: to attract
Narcissistic 4u%%l& <attention=.
An e@a-%le of this +ind of ,eha*iour:
The narcissist -a& stud& a gi*en su,(ect diligentl& and in great
de%th in order to i-%ress %eo%le later .ith this ne.l& acquired
erudition. :ut! ha*ing ser*ed its %ur%ose! the narcissist lets the
+no.ledge thus acquired e*a%orate. The narcissist -aintains a sort
of a Hshort7ter-H cell or .arehouse .here he stores .hate*er -a&
co-e hand& in the %ursuit of Narcissistic 4u%%l&. :ut he is al-ost
ne*er reall& interested in .hat he does! studies! and e@%eriences.
1ro- the outside! this -ight ,e %ercei*ed as insta,ilit&. :ut thin+
a,out it this .a&: the narcissist is constantl& %re%aring for life9s
He@a-sH and feels that he is on a %er-anent trial. To forget -aterial
studied onl& in %re%aration for an e@a-ination or for a court
a%%earance is nor-al. 4hort -e-or& storage is a %erfectl&
co--on ,eha*iour. 5hat sets the narcissist a%art fro- others is
the fact that for hi- this is a CON4TANT state of affairs and that it
affects A'' his functions! not onl& those directl& related to learning!
or to e-otions! or to e@%erience! or to an& single di-ension of his
life. Thus! the narcissist learns! re-e-,ers and forgets not in line
.ith his real interests or ho,,ies! he lo*es and hates not the real
su,(ects of his e-otions ,ut one di-ensional! utilitarian! cartoons
constructed ,& hi-. He (udges! %raises and conde-ns / all fro-
the narro.est %ossi,le %oint of *ie.: that of the %otential a-ount of
Narcissistic 4u%%l&. He as+s not .hat he can do .ith the .orld and
in it / ,ut .hat can the .orld do for hi- as far as Narcissistic
4u%%l& goes. He falls in and out of lo*e .ith %eo%le! .or+%laces!
residences! *ocations! ho,,ies! interests / ,ecause the& see- to
,e a,le to %ro*ide -ore or less Narcissistic 4u%%l& and onl&
,ecause of that.
4till! narcissists ,elong to t.o ,road categories: the
Hco-%ensator& sta,ilit&H and the Henhancing insta,ilit&H t&%es.
"# Com$ensatory Sta%ility &'Classic'( Narcissists
These narcissists isolate one or -ore <,ut ne*er -ost= as%ects of
their li*es and H-a+e these as%ect6s sta,leH. The& do not reall&
in*est the-sel*es in it. The sta,ilit& is -aintained ,& artificial
-eans: -one&! cele,rit&! %o.er! fear. A t&%ical e@a-%le is a
narcissist .ho changes nu-erous .or+%laces! a fe. careers! a
-&riad of ho,,ies! *alue s&ste-s or faiths. At the sa-e ti-e! he
-aintains <%reser*es= a relationshi% .ith a single .o-an <and e*en
re-ains faithful to her=. 4he is his Hisland of sta,ilit&H. To fulfil this
role! she (ust needs to ,e there %h&sicall&.
The narcissist is de%endent u%on HhisH .o-an to -aintain the
sta,ilit& lac+ing in all other areas of his life <Oto co-%ensate for his
insta,ilit&=. Get! e-otional closeness is ,ound to threaten the
narcissist. Thus! he is li+el& to distance hi-self fro- her and to
re-ain detached and indifferent to -ost of her needs. Des%ite this
cruel e-otional treat-ent! the narcissist considers her to ,e a %oint
of e@it! a for- of sustenance! a fountain of e-%o.er-ent. This
-is-atch ,et.een .hat he .ishes to recei*e and .hat he is a,le to
gi*e! the narcissist %refers to den&! re%ress and ,ur& dee% in his
unconscious. This is .h& he is al.a&s shoc+ed and de*astated to
learn of his .ife9s estrange-ent! infidelit&! or di*orce intentions.
Possessed of no e-otional de%th! ,eing co-%letel& one trac+
-inded / he cannot fatho- the needs of others. 3n other .ords! he
cannot e-%athise.
Another / e*en -ore co--on / case is the Hcareer narcissistH.
This narcissist -arries! di*orces and re-arries .ith diAA&ing s%eed.
E*er&thing in his life is in constant flu@: friends! e-otions!
(udge-ents! *alues! ,eliefs! %lace of residence! affiliations!
ho,,ies. E*er&thing! that is! e@ce%t his .or+. His career is the
island of co-%ensating sta,ilit& in his *olatile e@istence. This +ind of
narcissist doggedl& %ursues it .ith un-itigated a-,ition and
de*otion. He %erse*eres in one .or+%lace or one (o,! %atientl&!
%ersistentl& and ,lindl& cli-,ing u% the ladder or treading the career
%ath. 3n his %ursuit of (o, fulfil-ent and achie*e-ents! the narcissist
is ruthless and unscru%ulous / and! *er& often! -ost successful.
""# Enhancing "nsta%ility &')orderline'( Narcissist
The other +ind of narcissist enhances insta,ilit& in one as%ect or
di-ension of his life / ,& introducing insta,ilit& in others. Thus! if
such a narcissist resigns <or! -ore li+el&! is -ade redundant= / he
also relocates to another cit& or countr&. 3f he di*orces! he is also
li+el& to resign his (o,. This added insta,ilit& gi*es these narcissists
the feeling that all the di-ensions of their life are changing
si-ultaneousl&! that the& are ,eing Hunshac+ledH! that a
transfor-ation is in %rogress. This! of course! is an illusion. Those
.ho +no. the narcissist! no longer trust his frequent Hcon*ersionsH!
HdecisionsH! HcrisesH! Htransfor-ationsH! Hde*elo%-entsH and
H%eriodsH. The& see through his %retensions and declarations into
the core of his insta,ilit&. The& +no. that he is not to ,e relied
u%on. The& +no. that .ith narcissists! te-%orariness is the onl&
%er-anence.
Narcissists hate routine. 5hen a narcissist finds hi-self doing
the sa-e things o*er and o*er again! he gets de%ressed. He
o*erslee%s! o*er7eats! o*er7drin+s and! in general! engages in
addicti*e! i-%ulsi*e! rec+less! and co-%ulsi*e ,eha*iours. This is
his .a& of re7introducing ris+ and e@cite-ent into .hat he
<e-otionall&= %ercei*es to ,e a ,arren life.
The %ro,le- is that e*en the -ost e@citing and *aried e@istence
,eco-es routine after a .hile. 'i*ing in the sa-e countr& or
a%art-ent! -eeting the sa-e %eo%le! doing essentiall& the sa-e
things <e*en .ith changing content= / all Hqualif&H as stultif&ing rote.
The narcissist feels entitled to -ore. He feels it is his right / due
to his intellectual su%eriorit& / to lead a thrilling! re.arding!
+aleidosco%ic life. He feels entitled to force life itself! or! at least!
%eo%le around hi-! to &ield to his .ishes and needs! su%re-e
a-ong the- the need for sti-ulating *ariet&.
This re(ection of ha,it is %art of a larger %attern of aggressi*e
entitle-ent. The narcissist feels that the *er& e@istence of a su,li-e
intellect <such as hi-self= .arrants concessions and allo.ances ,&
others. 4tanding in line is a .aste of ti-e ,etter s%ent %ursuing
+no.ledge! in*enting and creating. The narcissist should a*ail
hi-self of the ,est -edical treat-ent %roffered ,& the -ost
%ro-inent -edical authorities / lest the asset that he is lost to
Man+ind. He should not ,e ,othered .ith tri*ial %ursuits / these
lo.l& functions are ,est assigned to the less gifted. The de*il is in
%a&ing %recious attention to detail.
Entitle-ent is so-eti-es (ustified in a Picasso or an Einstein. :ut
fe. narcissists are either. Their achie*e-ents are grotesquel&
inco--ensurate .ith their o*er.hel-ing sense of entitle-ent and
.ith their grandiose self7i-age.
Of course! the feeling of su%eriorit& often ser*es to -as+ a
cancerous co-%le@ of inferiorit&. Moreo*er! the narcissist infects
others .ith his %ro(ected grandiosit& and their feed,ac+ constitutes
the edifice u%on .hich he constructs his self7estee-. He regulates
his sense of self .orth ,& rigidl& insisting that he is a,o*e the
-adding cro.d .hile deri*ing his Narcissistic 4u%%l& fro- this *er&
source.
:ut there is a second angle to this a,horrence of the %redicta,le.
Narcissists e-%lo& a host of E-otional 3n*ol*e-ent Pre*ention
Measures <E3PM=. Des%ising routine and a*oiding it is one of these
-echanis-s. Their function is to %re*ent the narcissist fro- getting
e-otionall& in*ol*ed and! su,sequentl&! hurt. Their a%%lication
results in an Ha%%roach7a*oidance re%etition co-%le@H. The
narcissist! fearing and loathing inti-ac&! sta,ilit& and securit& / &et
cra*ing the- / a%%roaches and then a*oids significant others or
i-%ortant tas+s in a ra%id succession of a%%arentl& inconsistent and
disconnected ,eha*iours.
#*e #&o Loves oA t*e Nar(issist
Narcissists Hlo*eH their s%ouses or other significant others / as long
as the& continue to relia,l& %ro*ide the- .ith Narcissistic 4u%%l& <in
one .ord! .ith attention=. 3ne*ita,l&! the& regard others as -ere
HsourcesH! o,(ects! or functions. 'ac+ing e-%ath& and e-otional
-aturit&! the narcissist9s lo*e is %athological. :ut the %recise locus
of the %atholog& de%ends on the narcissist9s sta,ilit& or insta,ilit& in
different %arts of his life.
5e are! therefore! faced .ith t.o %athological for-s of
narcissistic Hlo*eH.
One t&%e of narcissist Hlo*esH others as one .ould attach to
o,(ects. He Hlo*esH his s%ouse! for instance! si-%l& ,ecause she
e@ists and is a*aila,le to %ro*ide hi- .ith Narcissistic 4u%%l&. He
Hlo*esH his children ,ecause the& are %art of his self7i-age as a
successful hus,and and father. He Hlo*esH his HfriendsH ,ecause /
and onl& as long as / he can e@%loit the-.
4uch a narcissist reacts .ith alar- and rage to an& sign of
inde%endence and autono-& in his HchargesH. He tries to HfreeAeH
e*er&one around hi- in their HallocatedH %ositions and Hassigned
rolesH. His .orld is rigid and i--o*a,le! %redicta,le and static! full&
under his control. He %unishes for HtransgressionsH against this
ordained order. He thus stifles life as a d&na-ic %rocess of
co-%ro-ising and gro.ing / rendering it instead a -ere theatre! a
ta,leau *i*ant.
The other t&%e of narcissist a,hors -onoton& and constanc&!
equating the-! in his -ind! .ith death. He see+s u%hea*al! dra-a!
and change / ,ut onl& .hen the& confor- to his %lans! designs!
and *ie.s of the .orld and of hi-self. Thus! he does not encourage
gro.th in his nearest and dearest. :& -ono%olising their li*es! he!
li+e the other +ind of narcissist! also reduces the- to -ere o,(ects!
%ro%s in the e@citing dra-a of his life.
This narcissist li+e.ise rages at an& sign of re,ellion and
disagree-ent. :ut! as o%%osed to the first su,7s%ecies! he see+s to
ani-ate others .ith his de-ented energ&! grandiose %lans! and
-egalo-aniacal self7%erce%tion. An adrenaline (un+ie! his .orld is
a .hirl.ind of co-ings and goings! reunions and se%arations! lo*es
and hates! *ocations ado%ted and discarded! sche-es erected and
dis-antled! ene-ies turned friends and *ice *ersa. His ;ni*erse is
equall& a theatre! ,ut a -ore ferocious and chaotic one.
5here is lo*e in all this> 5here is the co--it-ent to the lo*ed
one9s .elfare! the disci%line! the e@tension of oneself to incor%orate
the ,elo*ed! the -utual gro.th>
No.here to ,e seen. The narcissist9s Hlo*eH is hate and fear
disguised / fear of losing control and hatred of the *er& %eo%le his
%recariousl& ,alanced %ersonalit& so de%ends on. The narcissist is
egotisticall& co--itted onl& to his o.n .ell7,eing. To hi-! the
o,(ects of his Hlo*eH are interchangea,le and inferior.
He idealises his nearest and dearest not ,ecause he is s-itten
,& e-otion / ,ut ,ecause he needs to ca%ti*ate the- and to
con*ince hi-self that the& are .orth& 4ources of 4u%%l&! des%ite
their fla.s and -ediocrit&. Once he dee-s the- useless! he
discards and de*alues the- si-ilarl& cold7,loodedl&. A %redator!
al.a&s on the loo+out! he de,ases the coin of Hlo*eH as he corru%ts
e*er&thing else in hi-self and around hi-.
)eturn
1)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON C "P
"t*er Peo3leBs Pain
Question: Do the& actuall& en(o& the taunting! the sadistic
,eha*iour! and the %unish-ent that al.a&s follo.s>
ns!er: Most narcissists en(o& an irrational and ,rief ,urst of relief
after ha*ing suffered e-otionall& <Hnarcissistic in(ur&H= or after
ha*ing sustained a loss. 3t is a sense of freedo-! .hich co-es .ith
,eing unshac+led. Ha*ing lost e*er&thing! the narcissist often feels
that he has found hi-self! that he has ,een re7,orn! that he has
,een charged .ith natal energ&! a,le to ta+e on ne. challenges
and to e@%lore ne. territories. This elation is so addicti*e! that the
narcissist often see+s %ain! hu-iliation! %unish-ent! scorn! and
conte-%t / as long as the& are %u,lic and in*ol*e the attention of
%eers and su%eriors. :eing %unished accords .ith the tor-enting
inner *oices of the narcissist .hich +ee% telling hi- that he is ,ad!
corru%t! and .orth& of %enalt&.
This is the -asochistic strea+ in the narcissist. :ut the narcissist
is also a sadist / al,eit an unusual one.
The narcissist inflicts %ain and a,use on others. He de*alues
4ources of 4u%%l&! callousl& and off7handedl& a,andons the-! and
discards %eo%le! %laces! %artnershi%s! and friendshi%s
unhesitatingl&. 4o-e narcissists / though ,& no -eans the -a(orit&
/ actuall& EN2OG a,using! taunting! tor-enting! and frea+ishl&
controlling others <HgaslightingH=. :ut -ost of the- do these things
a,sent-indedl&! auto-aticall&! and! often! e*en .ithout good
reason.
5hat is unusual a,out the narcissist9s sadistic ,eha*iours /
%re-editated acts of tor-enting others .hile en(o&ing their
anguished reactions / is that the& are goal orientated. HPureH
sadists ha*e no goal in -ind e@ce%t the %ursuit of %leasure / %ain
as an art for- <re-e-,er the Marquis de 4ade>=. The narcissist!
on the other hand! haunts and hunts his *icti-s for a reason / he
.ants the- to reflect his inner state. 3t is all %art of a -echanis-
called Pro(ecti*e 3dentification.
5hen the narcissist is angr&! unha%%&! disa%%ointed! in(ured! or
hurt / he feels una,le to e@%ress his e-otions sincerel& and o%enl&
since to do so .ould ,e to ad-it his frailt&! his neediness! and his
.ea+nesses. He de%lores his o.n hu-anit& / his e-otions! his
*ulnera,ilit&! his susce%ti,ilit&! his gulli,ilit&! his inadequacies! and
his failures. 4o! he -a+es use of other %eo%le to e@%ress his %ain
and his frustration! his %ent u% anger and his aggression. He
achie*es this ,& -entall& torturing other %eo%le to the %oint of
-adness! ,& dri*ing the- to *iolence! ,& reducing the- to scar
tissue in search of outlet! closure! and! so-eti-es! re*enge. He
forces %eo%le to lose their o.n character traits / and ado%t his o.n
instead. 3n reaction to his constant and .ell7targeted a,use! the&
,eco-e a,usi*e! *engeful! ruthless! lac+ing e-%ath&! o,sessed!
and aggressi*e. The& -irror hi- faithfull& and thus relie*e hi- of
the need to e@%ress hi-self directl&.
Ha*ing constructed this .rithing hall of hu-an -irrors! the
narcissist .ithdra.s. The goal achie*ed! he lets go. As o%%osed to
the sadist! he is no in it! indefinitel&! for the %leasure of it. He
a,uses and trau-atises! hu-iliates and a,andons! discards and
ignores! insults and %ro*o+es / onl& for the %ur%ose of %urging his
inner de-ons. :& %ossessing others! he %urifies hi-self!
catharticall&! and e@orcises his de-ented self.
This acco-%lished! he acts al-ost .ith re-orse. An e%isode of
e@tre-e a,use is follo.ed ,& an act of great care and ,&
-ellifluous a%ologies. The narcissistic %endulu- s.ings ,et.een
the e@tre-es of torturing others and e-%athicall& soothing the
resulting %ain. This incongruous ,eha*iour! these HsuddenH shifts
,et.een sadis- and altruis-! a,use and Hlo*eH! ignoring and
caring! a,andoning and clinging! *iciousness and re-orse! the
harsh and the tender / are! %erha%s! the -ost difficult to
co-%rehend and to acce%t. These s.ings %roduce in %eo%le
around the narcissist e-otional insecurit&! an eroded sense of self7
.orth! fear! stress! and an@iet& <H.al+ing on eggshellsH=. ?raduall&!
e-otional %aral&sis ensues and the& co-e to occu%& the
sa-e e-otional .asteland inha,ited ,& the narcissist! his %risoners
and hostages in -ore .a&s than one / and e*en .hen he is long
out of their life.
Frst p$!%she& on the <$te 101 )arcssstc *ersona%t+ ,sor&ers Topc(
)eturn
1)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON C P#
#o 0ge &it* 2ra(e
4The per#anent te#ptaton of %fe s to conf$se &rea#s /th rea%t+(
Then per#anent &efeat of %fe co#es /hen &rea#s are s$rren&ere&
to rea%t+(4
Da<es 9i(*ener8 0't*or
The narcissist ages .ithout -erc& and .ithout grace. His .ithered
,od& and his o*er.rought -ind ,etra& hi- all at once. He stares
.ith incredulit& and rage at cruel -irrors. He refuses to acce%t his
gro.ing falli,ilit&. He re,els against his decre%itude and -ediocrit&.
Accusto-ed to ,eing a.e7ins%iring and the reci%ient of adulation /
the narcissist cannot countenance his social isolation and the
%athetic figure that he cuts.
As a child %rodig&! a se@ s&-,ol! a stud! a %u,lic intellectual! an
actor! an idol / the narcissist .as at the centre of attention! the e&e
of his %ersonal t.ister! a ,lac+ hole .hich suc+ed %eo%le9s energ&
and resources dr& and s%at out .ith indifference their -utilated
carcasses. No longer. 5ith old age co-es disillusion-ent. Old
char-s .ear thin.
Ha*ing ,een e@%osed for .hat he is / a deceitful! treacherous!
-alignant egotist / the narcissist9s old tric+s no. fail hi-. Peo%le
are on their guard! their gulli,ilit& reduced. The narcissist / ,eing
the rigid! %recariousl& ,alanced structure that he is / can9t change.
He re*erts to old for-s! re7ado%ts hoar& ha,its! succu-,s to
erst.hile te-%tations. He is -ade a -oc+er& ,& his accentuated
denial of realit&! ,& his o,durate refusal to gro. u%! an eternal!
-alfor-ed child in the sagging ,od& of a deca&ing -an.
3t is the fa,le of the grassho%%er and the ant re*isited.
The narcissist / the grassho%%er / ha*ing relied on su%ercilious
stratage-s throughout his life / is singularl& ill7ada%ted to life9s
rigors and tri,ulations. He feels entitled / ,ut fails to elicit
Narcissistic 4u%%l&. 5rin+led ti-e -a+es child %rodigies lose their
-agic! lo*ers e@haust their %otenc&! %hilanderers .aste their allure!
and geniuses -iss their touch. The longer the narcissist li*es / the
-ore a*erage he ,eco-es. The .ider the gulf ,et.een his
%retensions and his acco-%lish-ents / the -ore he is the o,(ect of
derision and conte-%t.
Get! fe. narcissists sa*e for rain& da&s. 1e. ,other to stud& a
trade! or get a degree! %ursue a career! -aintain a ,usiness! +ee%
their (o,s! or raise functioning fa-ilies! nurture their friendshi%s! or
,roaden their horiAons. Narcissists are %erenniall& ill7%re%ared.
Those .ho succeed in their *ocation! end u% ,itterl& alone ha*ing
squandered the lo*e of s%ouse! off7s%ring! and -ates. The -ore
gregarious and fa-il&7orientated / often flun+ at .or+! lea% fro-
one (o, to another! relocate erraticall&! fore*er itinerant and
%eri%atetic.
The contrast ,et.een his &outh and %ri-e and his dila%idated
%resent constitutes a %er-anent narcissistic in(ur&. The narcissist
retreats dee%er into hi-self to find solace. He .ithdra.s into the
%enu-,ral uni*erse of his grandiose fantasies. There / al-ost
%s&chotic / he sal*es his .ounds and co-forts hi-self .ith
tro%hies of his %ast.
A rare -inorit& of narcissists acce%t their fate .ith fatalis- or
good hu-our. These %recious fe. are healed -&steriousl& ,& the
dee%est offence to their -egalo-ania / old age. The& lose their
narcissis- and confront the outer .orld .ith the %oise and
co-%osure that the& lac+ed .hen the& .ere ca%ti*es of their o.n!
distorted! narrati*e.
4uch changed narcissists de*elo% ne.! -ore realistic!
e@%ectations and ho%es / co--ensurate .ith their talents! s+ills!
acco-%lish-ents and education. 3ronicall&! it is in*aria,l& too late.
The& are a*oided and ignored! rendered trans%arent ,& their
chec+ered %ast. The& are %assed o*er for %ro-otion! ne*er in*ited
to %rofessional or social gatherings! cold7shouldered ,& the -edia.
The& are snu,,ed and disregarded. The& are ne*er the reci%ients
of %er+s! ,enefits! or a.ards. The& are ,la-ed .hen not
,la-e.orth& and rarel& %raised .hen deser*ing. The& are ,eing
constantl& and consistentl& %unished for .ho the& .ere. 3t is %oetic
(ustice in -ore than one .a&. The& are ,eing treated narcissisticall&
,& their erst.hile *icti-s. The& finall& are tasting their o.n
-edicine! the ,itter har*est of their .rath and arrogance.
Frst p$!%she& on the <$te 101 )arcssstc *ersona%t+ ,sor&ers Topc(
)eturn
1)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON C M#
#*e Inverted Nar(issist
=th contr!$tons !+ the #e#!ers of the )arcsss# >st
#+$ !LINI!0L PI!#;R$ 0N. .$=$L"P9$N#0L R""#S )
"P$NIN2 R$90R7S
#er<inolog-
Code$endents
Peo%le .ho de%end on other %eo%le for their e-otional gratification
and the %erfor-ance of Ego or dail& functions. The& are need&!
de-anding! su,-issi*e. The& fear a,andon-ent! cling and dis%la&
i--ature ,eha*iours in their effort to -aintain the Hrelationshi%H
.ith their co-%anion or -ate u%on .ho- the& de%end. No -atter
.hat a,use is inflicted u%on the- / the& re-ain in the relationshi%.
I4ee also the definition of the De%endent Personalit& Disorder in
the D4M7387T)J
"n*erted Narcissist
Pre*iousl& called Hco*ert narcissistH! this is a code%endent .ho
de%ends e@clusi*el& on narcissists <narcissist7code%endent=. 3f &ou
li*e .ith a narcissist! ha*e a relationshi% .ith one! are -arried to
one! .or+ .ith a narcissist! etc. / it does NOT -ean that &ou are an
in*erted narcissist.
To Hqualif&H as an in*erted narcissist / &ou -ust C)A8E to ,e in
a relationshi% .ith a narcissist! regardless of an& a,use inflicted on
&ou ,& hi-6her. Gou -ust ACT38E'G see+ relationshi%s .ith
narcissists / and ON'G .ith narcissists / no -atter .hat &our
<,itter and trau-atic= %ast e@%erience has ,een. Gou -ust feel
EMPTG and ;NHAPPG in relationshi%s .ith ANG OTHE) +ind of
%erson. Onl& THEN / AND if &ou satisf& the other diagnostic criteria
of a De%endent Personalit& Disorder / can &ou ,e safel& la,elled
an Hin*erted narcissistH.
Introd'(tion
The D4M7387T) uses criteria to define the NPD. 3t is sufficient to
%ossess M of the- to Hqualif&H as a narcissist. Thus! theoreticall&! it
is %ossi,le to ,e NPD 53THO;T ,eing grandiose. Man&
researchers <Ale@ander 'o.en! 2effre& 4atino*er! Theodore Millon
and others= suggested a Hta@ono-&H of %athological narcissis-.
The& di*ided narcissists to su,7grou%s <*er& -uch as 3 did .ith -&
so-atic *ersus cere,ral narcissist dichoto-&=. 'o.en! for instance!
tal+s a,out the H%hallicH narcissist *ersus others. 4atino*er and
Millon -a+e a *er& i-%ortant distinction ,et.een narcissists .ho
.ere raised ,& a,usi*e %arents / and those .ho .ere raised ,&
doting and s-othering or do-ineering -others.
?lenn O. ?a,,ard in HPs&chod&na-ic Ps&chiatr& in Clinical
PracticeH IThe D4M7387T) Edition. Co--ents on Cluster :
Personalit& Disorders / Narcissistic. A-erican Ps&chiatric Press!
3nc.! "###J .e find this:
4?These crtera @the ,<25IV5T:AsB &entf+ a certan "n& of
narcssstc patent . specfca%%+1 the arro'ant1 !oastf$%1 Anos+A
n&6&$a% /ho &e#an&s to !e n the spot%'ht( 3o/e6er1 the+ fa% to
characterse the sh+1 -$et%+ 'ran&ose1 narcssstc n&6&$a%
/hose e9tre#e senst6t+ to s%'hts %ea&s to an ass&$o$s
a6o&ance of the spot%'ht(4
The D4M73337) alluded to at least T5O TGPE4 of narcissists! ,ut
the D4M7387T) co--ittee chose to delete this: 4?nc%$&e&
crteron1 Areacts to crtcs# /th fee%n's of ra'e1 sha#e1 or
h$#%aton 7e6en not f e9presse&8A &$e to %ac" of Aspecfct+A(4
Other theoreticians! clinicians and researchers si-ilarl&
suggested a di*ision ,et.een Hthe o,li*ious narcissistH <a.+.a. o*ert=
and Hthe h&%er*igilant narcissistH <a.+.a. co*ert=.
#*e !o<3ensator- vers's t*e !lassi( Nar(issist
Another interesting distinction! suggested ,& Da*e Fell& in his
e@cellent PTGPE4 5e, site Ihtt%:66....%t&%es.co-J is ,et.een the
Co-%ensator& T&%e NPD and the Classic NPD <D4M7387T) t&%e=.
Here are the Com$ensatory NPD criteria according to Da*e
Fell&:
4*ersona%t+ T+pes proposes Co#pensator+ )arcssstc
*ersona%t+ ,sor&er as a per6as6e pattern of $nsta!%e1 co6ert
narcssstc !eha6o$rs that &er6e fro# an $n&er%+n' sense of
nsec$rt+ an& /ea"ness rather than fro# 'en$ne fee%n's of se%f5
conf&ence an& h'h se%f5estee#1 !e'nnn' !+ ear%+ a&$%thoo& an&
present n a 6aret+ of conte9ts1 as n&cate& !+ s9 7or #ore8 of the
crtera !e%o/(
The !asc trat of the Co#pensator+ )arcssstc *ersona%t+ T+pe
s a pattern of o6ert%+ narcssstc !eha6o$rs 7that8 &er6e fro# an
$n&er%+n' sense of nsec$rt+ an& /ea"ness1 rather than fro#
'en$ne fee%n's of se%f5conf&ence an& h'h se%f5estee#(4
The Com$ensatory Narcissistic Personality Ty$e:
K 4ee+s to create an illusion of su%eriorit& and to ,uild u% an
i-age of high self7.orth <Millon=L
K 4tri*es for recognition and %restige to co-%ensate for the lac+
of a feeling of self7.orthL
K Ma& 4ac-$re a &eprecator+ attt$&e n /hch the ache6e#ents
of others are r&c$%e& an& &e'ra&e&4 <Millon=L
K Has %ersistent as%irations for glor& and status <Millon=L
K Has a tendenc& to e@aggerate and ,oast <Millon=L
K 3s sensiti*e to ho. others react to hi-! .atches and listens
carefull& for critical (udge-ent! and feels slighted ,& disa%%ro*al
<Millon=L
K 4Is prone to fee% sha#e& an& h$#%ate& an& especa%%+
7an9o$s8 an& 6$%nera!%e to the C$&'e#ents of others4 <Millon=L
K Co*ers u% a sense of inadequac& and deficienc& .ith %seudo7
arrogance and %seudo7grandiosit& <Millon=L
K Has a tendenc& to %eriodic h&%ochondria <1or-an=L
K Alternates ,et.een feelings of e-%tiness and deadness and
states of e@cite-ent and e@cess energ& <1or-an=L
K Entertains fantasies of greatness! constantl& stri*ing for
%erfection! genius! or stardo- <1or-an=L
K Has a histor& of searching for an idealised %artner and has an
intense need for affir-ation and confir-ation in relationshi%s
<1or-an=L
K 1requentl& entertains a .ishful! e@aggerated and unrealistic
conce%t of hi-self! .hich he can9t %ossi,l& -easure u% to
<)eich=L
K Produces <too quic+l&= .or+ not u% to the le*el of his a,ilities
,ecause of an o*er.hel-ingl& strong need for the i--ediate
gratification of success <)eich=L
K 3s touch&! quic+ to ta+e offence at the slightest %ro*ocation!
continuall& antici%ating attac+ and danger! reacting .ith anger
and fantasies of re*enge .hen he feels hi-self frustrated in his
need for constant ad-iration <)eich=L
K 3s self7conscious! due to a de%endence on a%%ro*al fro- others
<)eich=L
K 4uffers regularl& fro- re%etiti*e oscillations of self7estee-
<)eich=L
K 4ee+s to undo feelings of inadequac& ,& forcing e*er&one9s
attention and ad-iration u%on hi-self <)eich=L
K Ma& react .ith self7conte-%t and de%ression to the lac+ of
fulfil-ent of his grandiose e@%ectations <)iso=.
4ources:
1or-an! Ma@. Narcissistic Disorders and the Oedi%al 1i@ations. 3n
1eldstein! 2.2. <Ed.=! The Annual of Ps&choanal&sis. 8olu-e 38.
Ne. Gor+: 3nternational ;ni*ersities <1EQ= %%. QM7".
Millon! Theodore! and )oger D. Da*is. Disorders of Personalit&:
D4M738 and :e&ond. "nd Ed. Ne. Gor+: 5ile&! <1Q= %%. P1171".
)eich! Annie! <1DQ=. Pathological 1or-s of 4elf7Estee-
)egulation. 3n Morrison! A. P.! <Ed.=! Essential Pa%ers on
Narcissis-. %%. PP7Q#. )e%rint fro- 1Q#. Ps&choanal&tic 4tud& of
the Child. 8olu-e 1M! %%. "#M7$".
)iso! Don )ichard. Personalit& T&%es: ;sing the Enneagra- for
4elf7Disco*er&. :oston: Houghton Mifflin <1DE= %%. 1#"7$.
S$eculati*e Diagnostic Criteria +or
Com$ensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder
A %er*asi*e %attern of self7inflation! %seudo7confidence!
e@hi,itionis-! and stri*ings for %restige! that co-%ensates for
feelings of inadequac& and lo. self7estee-! as indicated ,& the
follo.ing:
K Pseudo7confidence co-%ensating for an underl&ing condition of
insecurit& and feelings of hel%lessnessL
K Pretentiousness! self7inflationL
K E@hi,itionis- in the %ursuit of attention! recognition! and glor&L
K 4tri*ings for %restige to enhance self7estee-L
K Deceitfulness and -ani%ulati*eness in the ser*ice of
-aintaining feelings of su%eriorit&L
K 3dealisation in relationshi%sL
K 1rag-entation of the self: feelings of e-%tiness and deadnessL
K A %roud! hu,ristic dis%ositionL
K H&%ochondriasisL
K 4u,stance a,useL
K 4elf7destructi*eness.
Co-%ensator& Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder corres%onds to
Ernest 2ones9 narcissistic H?od Co-%le@H! Annie )eich9s
HCo-%ensator& Narcissis-H! HeinA Fohut9s HNarcissistic Personalit&
DisorderH! and Theodore Millon9s HCo-%ensator& NarcissistH.
Millon! Theodore! and )oger D. Da*is. Disorders of Personalit&:
D4M738 and :e&ond. "nd ed. Ne. Gor+: 5ile&! 1Q. P1171".
Co-%are this to the classic t&%e:
Narcissistic Personality Ty$e
The ,asic trait of the Narcissistic Personalit& T&%e is a %attern of
grandiosit&! need for ad-iration! and lac+ of e-%ath&.
The Narcissistic Personalit& T&%e:
K )eacts to criticis- .ith feelings of rage! sha-e! or hu-iliationL
K 3s inter%ersonall& e@%loiti*e: ta+es ad*antage of others to
achie*e his o.n endsL
K Has a grandiose sense of self7i-%ortanceL
K :elie*es that his %ro,le-s are unique and can ,e understood
onl& ,& other s%ecial %eo%leL
K 3s %reoccu%ied .ith fantasies of unli-ited success! %o.er!
,rilliance! ,eaut&! or ideal lo*eL
K Has a sense of entitle-ent: an unreasona,le e@%ectation of
es%eciall& fa*oura,le treat-entL
K )equires -uch attention and ad-iration of othersL
K 'ac+s e-%ath&: fails to recognise and e@%erience ho. others
feelL
K 3s %reoccu%ied .ith feelings of en*&.
This is -ainl& the D4M73337) *ie.. Pa& attention to the not so
su,tle changes in the D4M7387T).
IMore a,out %athological narcissis- on:
htt%:66sa-*a+.tri%od.co-6n%dglance.ht-l J
#*e Inverted Nar(issist
3t is clear that there is! indeed! an hitherto neglected t&%e of
narcissist. 3t is the Hself7effacingH or Hintro*ertedH narcissist. 5e call
it the 3n*erted Narcissist <hereinafter: 3N=. Others call it Hnarcissist7
code%endentH or HN7-agnetH.
This is a narcissist .ho! in -an& res%ects! is the -irror i-age of
the HclassicalH narcissist. No one is sure .h&. The %s&chod&na-ics
of such a narcissist are not clear! nor are its de*elo%-ental roots.
Perha%s it is the %roduct of an o*er.eening Pri-ar& O,(ect or
caregi*er. Perha%s e@cessi*e a,use leads to the re%ression of e*en
the narcissistic and other defence -echanis-s. Perha%s the
%arents su%%ress e*er& -anifestation of grandiosit& <*er& co--on
in earl& childhood= and of narcissis- / so that the narcissistic
defence -echanis- is Hin*ertedH and internalised in this unusual
for-.
These narcissists are self7effacing! sensiti*e! e-otionall& fragile!
so-eti-es sociall& %ho,ic. The& deri*e all their self7estee- and
sense of self7.orth fro- the outside <others=! are %athologicall&
en*ious <a transfor-ation of aggression=! are li+el& to inter-ittentl&
engage in aggressi*e6*iolent ,eha*iours! are -ore e-otionall&
la,ile than the classic narcissist! etc.
5e can! therefore tal+ a,out three H,asicH t&%es of narcissists:
1. The offsprn' of ne'%ectn' parents / The& resort to narcissis-
as the %redo-inant o,(ect relation <.ith the-sel*es as the
e@clusi*e o,(ect=.
". The offsprn' of &otn' or &o#neern' parents 7often
narcsssts the#se%6es8 / The& internalised their %arents9
*oices in the for- of a sadistic! ideal! i--ature 4u%erego and
s%end their li*es tr&ing to ,e %erfect! o-ni%otent! o-niscient
and to ,e (udged Ha successH ,& these %arent7i-ages and their
later re%resentations <authorit& figures=.
$. The offsprn' of a!$s6e parents / The& internalise the
a,using! de-eaning and conte-%tuous *oices and s%end their
li*es in an effort to elicit Hcounter7*oicesH fro- their hu-an
en*iron-ent and thus to e@tract a -odicu- of self7estee- and
sense of self7.orth.
All three t&%es e@hi,it recursi*e! recurrent and 4is&%hean failures.
4hielded ,& their defence -echanis-s! the& constantl& gauge
realit& .rongl&! their actions and reactions ,eco-e -ore and -ore
rigid and ossified and the da-age inflicted ,& the- on the-sel*es
and on others e*er greater.
The narcissistic %arent see-s to e-%lo& a -&riad of %ri-iti*e
defences in his dealings .ith his children. 4%litting / idealising the
child and de*aluing hi- in c&cles! .hich reflect the internal
d&na-ics of the %arent rather than an&thing the child does.
Pro(ecti*e 3dentification / forcing the child into ,eha*iours and
traits! .hich reflect the %arents9 fears regarding hi-self or herself!
his or her self7i-age and his or her self7.orth. This is a %articularl&
%o.erful and %ernicious -echanis-. 3f the narcissist %arent fears
his o.n deficiencies <HdefectsH=! *ulnera,ilit&! %ercei*ed
.ea+nesses! susce%ti,ilit&! gulli,ilit&! or e-otions / he is li+el& to
force the child to HfeelH these re(ected and <to hi-= re%ulsi*e
e-otions! to ,eha*e in .a&s strongl& a,horred ,& the %arent! to
e@hi,it character traits the %arent strongl& re(ects in hi-self.
The child! in a .a&! ,eco-es the Htrash ,inH of the %arents9
inhi,itions! fears! self7loathing! self7conte-%t! %ercei*ed lac+ of self7
.orth! sense of inadequac&! re(ected traits! re%ressed e-otions!
failures and e-otional reticence. Cou%led .ith the %arent9s
treat-ent of the child as the %arent9s e@tension! it ser*es to totall&
inhi,it the %s&chological gro.th and e-otional -aturation of the
child. The child ,eco-es a reflection of the %arent / a *essel
through .hich the %arent e@%eriences and realises hi-self for
,etter <ho%es! as%irations! a-,ition! life goals= and for .orse
<.ea+nesses! Hundesira,leH e-otions! Hnegati*eH traits=. A host of
other! si-%ler! defence -echanis-s e-%lo&ed ,& the %arent are
li+el& to o,scure the %redo-inant use of Pro(ecti*e 3dentification:
%ro(ection! dis%lace-ent! intellectualisation! de%ersonalisation.
)elationshi%s ,et.een such %arents and their %rogen& easil&
deteriorate to se@ual or other -odes of a,use ,ecause there are no
functioning ,oundaries ,et.een the-.
3t see-s that the child9s reaction to a narcissistic %arent can ,e
either acco--odation and assi-ilation or re(ection.
ccommodation and ssimilation
The child acco--odates! idealises and internalises the Pri-ar&
O,(ect successfull&. This -eans that the child9s Hinternal *oiceH is
narcissistic and that the child tries to co-%l& .ith its directi*es and
.ith its e@%licit and %ercei*ed .ishes. The child ,eco-es a
-asterful %ro*ider of Narcissistic 4u%%l&! a %erfect -atch to the
%arent9s %ersonalit&! an ideal source! an acco--odating!
understanding and caring caterer to all the needs! .hi-s! -ood
s.ings and c&cles of the narcissist! an endurer of de*aluation and
idealisation .ith equani-it&! a su%er, ada%ter to the narcissist9s
.orld *ie.! in short: the ulti-ate e@tension. This is .hat .e call an
Hin*erted narcissistH.
5e -ust not neglect the a,usi*e as%ect of such a relationshi%.
The narcissistic %arent al.a&s alternates ,et.een idealisation of his
%rogen& and its de*aluation. The child is li+el& to internalise the
de*aluing! a,usi*e! de-eaning! ,erating! di-inishing! -ini-ising!
u%,raiding! chastising *oices. The %arent <or caregi*er= goes on to
sur*i*e inside the adult <as %art of a sadistic and ideal 4u%erego
and an unrealistic Ego 3deal! to resort to %s&choanal&tic %arlance=.
These are the *oices that inhi,it the de*elo%-ent of reacti*e
narcissis-! the child9s defence -echanis-.
The child turned adult -aintains these traits. He +ee%s loo+ing for
narcissists in order to feel .hole! ali*e and .anted. He .ishes to ,e
treated ,& a narcissist narcissisticall& <.hat others .ould call a,use
is! to hi- or her! fa-iliar and constitutes Narcissistic 4u%%l&=. To
hi-! the narcissist is a 4ource of 4u%%l& <%ri-ar& or secondar&= and
the narcissistic ,eha*iours constitute Narcissistic 4u%%l&. He feels
dissatisfied! e-%t& and unlo*ed if not lo*ed ,& a narcissist.
The roles of Pri-ar& 4ource of Narcissistic 4u%%l& <P4N4= and
4econdar& 4ource of Narcissistic 4u%%l& <44N4= are re*ersed. To
the in*erted narcissist! a s%ouse is a 4ource of P)3MA)G 4u%%l&.
The other reaction to the narcissistic %arent is:
Re,ection
The child -a& react to the narcissis- of the Pri-ar& O,(ect .ith a
%eculiar t&%e of re(ection. He de*elo%s his o.n narcissistic
%ersonalit&! re%lete .ith grandiosit& and lac+ of e-%ath& / :;T his
%ersonalit& is antithetical to the %ersonalit& of the narcissistic
%arent. 3f the %arent .ere a so-atic narcissist / he is li+el& to ,e a
cere,ral one! if his father %rided hi-self ,eing *irtuous / he is
sinful! if his -other ,ragged a,out her frugalit&! he is ,ound to
flaunt his .ealth.
0n 0tte<3ted .S9-St-le List oA !riteria
5e ca-e u% .ith a D4M7387T) Hst&leH in*entor& for an in*erted
narcissist! using the narcissists9 characteristics as a te-%late!
,ecause the& are! in -an& .a&s t.o sides of the sa-e coin! or Hthe
-ould and the -ouldedH hence H-irror narcissistH or Hin*erted
narcissistH.
The narcissist tries to -erge .ith an idealised ,ut ,adl&
internalised o,(ect. He does so ,& HdigestingH the -eaningful others
in his life and transfor-ing the- into e@tensions of his self. He
e-%lo&s *arious techniques to achie*e this. To the HdigestedH this is
the cru@ of the harro.ing e@%erience called Hli*ing .ith a narcissistH.
The Hin*erted narcissistH <3N=! on the other hand! does not
atte-%t! e@ce%t in fantas& or in dangerous! -asochistic se@ual
%ractice! to -erge .ith an idealised e@ternal o,(ect. This is ,ecause
he so successfull& internalised the narcissistic Pri-ar& O,(ect to
the e@clusion of all else. The 3N feels ill at ease in a relationshi%
.ith a non7narcissist ,ecause it is unconsciousl& %ercei*ed ,& hi-
to ,e H,etra&alH! HcheatingH! an a,rogation of the e@clusi*it& clause
he had .ith the narcissistic Pri-ar& O,(ect.
This is the ,ig difference ,et.een narcissists and their in*erted
*ersion. The for-er )E2ECTED the Pri-ar& O,(ect in %articular
<and o,(ect relations in general= in fa*our of a hand& su,stitute:
the-sel*es.
The 3N acce%ted the <narcissist= Pri-ar& O,(ect and internalised
it / to the e@clusion of all others <unless the& are %ercei*ed ,& hi-
to ,e faithful renditions! re%licas of the narcissistic Pri-ar& O,(ect=.
Criterion -NE
The I) possesses a r'& sense of %ac" of se%f5/orth(
The narcissist has a ,adl& regulated sense of self7.orth. Ho.e*er
this is not conscious. He goes through c&cles of self7de*aluation
<and e@%eriences the- as d&s%horias=. The 3N9s sense of self7.orth
does NOT fluctuate. 3t is rather sta,le / ,ut it is *er& lo.. 5hereas
the narcissist de*alues others / the 3N de*alues hi-self as an
offering! a sacrifice to the narcissist. The 3N %re7e-%ts the
narcissist ,& de*aluing hi-self! ,& acti*el& de*aluing his o.n
achie*e-ents! or talents. The 3N is e@ceedingl& distressed .hen
singled out ,ecause of actual achie*e-ents or de-onstration of
su%erior s+ills.
The in*erted narcissist is co-%elled to filter all of his narcissistic
needs through the %ri-ar& narcissist in their li*es. No
inde%endence is %er-itted. The 3N feels a-%lified ,& the
narcissist9s co--entar& <,ecause nothing can ,e acco-%lished ,&
the in*ert .ithout the a%%ro*al of a %ri-ar& narcissist in their li*es=.
Criterion TW-
*re5occ$pe& /th fantases of $n%#te& s$ccess1 po/er1 !r%%ance
an& !ea$t+ or of an &ea% of %o6e(
This is the sa-e as the D4M7387T) criterion for Narcissistic
Personalit& Disorder ,ut! .ith the 3N! it -anifests a,solutel&
differentl&! i.e. the cogniti*e dissonance is shar%er here ,ecause
the 3N is so a,solutel& and co-%letel& con*inced of their
.orthlessness that these fantasies of grandeur are e@tre-el&
%ainful HdissonancesH.
5ith the narcissist! the dissonance e@ists on t.o le*els:
:et.een the ;NCON4C3O;4 feeling of lac+ of sta,le self7.orth
and the grandiose fantasies AND ,et.een the grandiose fantasies
and realit& <the ?randiosit& ?a%=.
3n co-%arison! the in*erted narcissist can onl& *acillate ,et.een
lac+ of self7.orth and realit&. No grandiosit& is %er-itted! e@ce%t in
dangerous! for,idden fantas&. This sho.s that the in*ert is
%s&chologicall& inca%a,le of full& realising their inherent %otentials
.ithout a %ri-ar& narcissist to filter the %raise! adulation or
acco-%lish-ents through. The& M;4T ha*e so-eone to .ho-
%raise can ,e redirected. The dissonance ,et.een the 3N9s
certaint& of self7.orthlessness and genuine %raise that cannot ,e
deflected is li+el& to e-otionall& derail the in*erted narcissist e*er&
ti-e.
Criterion T.REE
;e%e6es that he s a!so%$te%+ $n5$n-$e an& $n5speca% 7(e(1
/orth%ess an& not /orth+ of #er'er /th the fantasse& &ea%8 an&
that no one at a%% co$%& $n&erstan& h# !eca$se he s nnate%+
$n/orth+ of !en' $n&erstoo&( The I) !eco#es 6er+ a'tate& the
#ore one tres to $n&erstan& h# !eca$se that a%so offen&s a'anst
hs r'hteo$s sense of !en' proper%+ e9c%$&e& fro# the h$#an
race(
A sense of .orthlessness is t&%ical of -an& other PDs <AND the
feeling that no one could e*er understand the-=. The narcissist
hi-self endures %rolonged %eriods of self7de*aluation! self7
de%recation and self7efface-ent. This is %art of the Narcissistic
C&cle. 3n this sense! the in*erted narcissist is a PA)T3A' narcissist
in that he is %er-anentl& fi@ated in a %art of the narcissist .heel!
ne*er to e@%erience its co-%le-entar& half: the narcissistic
grandiosit& and sense of entitle-ent.
The Hrighteous sense of ,eing %ro%erl& e@cludedH co-es fro- the
sadistic 4u%erego in concert .ith the Ho*er,earing! e@ternall&
reinforced! conscienceH.
Criterion F-/R
,e#an&s anon+#t+ 7n the sense of see"n' to re#an e9c%$&e& at
a%% costs8 an& s ntense%+ rrtate& an& $nco#forta!%e /th an+
attenton !en' pa& to h# . s#%ar to the <chDo& *,(
Criterion F"0E
Fee%s that he s $n&eser6n' an& not entt%e&(
1eels that he is inferior to others! lac+ing! insu,stantial! un.orth&!
unli+ea,le! unlo*a,le! so-eone to scorn and dis-iss! or to ignore.
Criterion S"X
Is e9tn'$shn'%+ se%f%ess1 sacrfca%1 e6en $nct$o$s n hs
nterpersona% re%atonshps an& /%% a6o& the assstance of others
at a%% costs( Can on%+ nteract /th others /hen he can !e seen to
!e '6n'1 s$pport6e1 an& e9pen&n' an $n$s$a% effort to assst(
4o-e narcissists ,eha*e the sa-e .a& ,ut onl& as a -eans to
o,tain Narcissistic 4u%%l& <%raise! adulation! affir-ation! attention=.
This -ust not ,e confused .ith the ,eha*iour of the 3N.
Criterion SE0EN
>ac"s e#path+( Is ntense%+ att$ne& to othersA nee&s1 !$t on%+ n so
far as t re%ates to hs o/n nee& to perfor# the re-$re& se%f5
sacrfce1 /hch n t$rn s necessar+ n or&er for the I) to o!tan hs
)arcssstc <$pp%+ fro# the pr#ar+ narcssst(
:& contrast! narcissists are ne*er e-%athic. The& are inter-ittentl&
attuned to others onl& in order to o%ti-ise the e@traction of
Narcissistic 4u%%l& fro- the-.
Criterion E"1.T
En6es others( Cannot conce6e of !en' en6e& an& !eco#es
e9tre#e%+ a'tate& an& $nco#forta!%e f e6en !ro$'ht nto a
st$aton /here co#parson #'ht occ$r . %oathes co#petton an&
/%% a6o& co#petton at a%% costs1 f there s an+ chance of act$a%%+
/nnn' the co#petton1 or !en' sn'%e& o$t(
Criterion N"NE
,sp%a+s e9tre#e sh+ness1 %ac" of an+ rea% re%atona% connectons1
s p$!%c%+ se%f5effacn' n the e9tre#e1 s nterna%%+ h'h%+ #ora%stc
an& crtca% of othersF s a perfectonst an& en'a'es n %en'th+
rt$a%stc !eha6o$rs1 /hch can ne6er !e perfect%+ perfor#e&
7o!sess6e5co#p$%s6e1 tho$'h not necessar%+ to the f$%% e9tent
e9h!te& n 0C,8( )otons of !en' n&6&$a%stc are anathe#a(
#*e Rea(tive Patterns oA t*e Inverted Nar(issist >IN?
The in*erted narcissist does not suffer fro- a H-ilderH for- of
narcissis-. 'i+e the HclassicH narcissists! it has degrees and
shades. :ut it is -uch -ore rare and the D4M7387T) *ariet& is the
-ore %re*alent.
The in*erted narcissist is lia,le to react .ith rage .hene*er
threatened! orS
S5hen en*ious of other %eo%le9s achie*e-ents! their a,ilit& to
feel .holeness! ha%%iness! re.ards and successes! .hen his
sense of self7.orthlessness is enhanced ,& a ,eha*iour! a
co--ent! an e*ent! .hen his lac+ of self7.orth and *oided self7
estee- is TH)EATENED. Thus! this t&%e of narcissist -ight
sur%risingl& react *iolentl& or rage7full& to ?OOD things: a +ind
re-ar+! a -ission acco-%lished! a re.ard! a co-%li-ent! a
%ro%osition! a se@ual ad*ance=.
S5hen thin+ing a,out the %ast! .hen e-otions and -e-ories
are e*o+ed <usuall& negati*e ones= ,& certain -usic! a gi*en s-ell!
or sight.
S5hen his %athological en*& leads to an all7%er*asi*e sense of
in(ustice and ,eing discri-inated against or treated un(ustl& ,& a
s%iteful .orld.
S5hen he encounters stu%idit&! a*arice! dishonest&! ,igotr& / it
is these qualities in hi- that the narcissist reall& fears and re(ects
so *ehe-entl& in others.
S5hen he ,elie*es that he failed <and he al.a&s entertains this
,elief=! that he is i-%erfect and useless and .orthless! a good for
nothing half7,a+ed creature.
S5hen he realises to .hat e@tent his inner de-ons %ossess
hi-! constrain his life! tor-ent hi-! defor- hi- and the
ho%elessness of it all.
Then e*en the in*erted narcissist rages. He ,eco-es *er,all&
and e-otionall& a,usi*e. He uncannil& %ierces the soft s%ots of his
target! and -ercilessl& dri*es ho-e the %oisoned dagger of des%air
and self7loathing until it infects his ad*ersar&.
The cal- after such a stor- is e*en eerier! a thundering silence.
The narcissist regrets his ,eha*iour ,ut rarel& ad-its his feelings!
though he -ight a%ologise %rofusel&.
He si-%l& nurtures his feelings as &et another .ea%on of self7
destruction and self7defeat. 3t is fro- this *er& su%%ressed self7
conte-%t! fro- this *er& re%ressed and intro*erted (udge-ent! fro-
this -issing e-otional atone-ent that the narcissistic rage s%rings
forth. Thus the *icious c&cle is esta,lished.
One i-%ortant difference ,et.een in*erted narcissists and non7
narcissists is that the for-er are less li+el& to react .ith PT4D <Post
Trau-atic 4tress Disorder= follo.ing a relationshi% .ith a narcissist.
The& see- to ,e HdesensitisedH to narcissists ,& their earl&
u%,ringing. 5hereas the reactions of nor-al %eo%le to narcissistic
,eha*iour %atterns <and es%eciall& to the s%litting and Pro(ecti*e
3dentification defence -echanis-s and to the idealisation
de*aluation c&cles= is shoc+! %rofound hurt and disorientation /
in*erted narcissists sho. none of the a,o*e.
#*e LiAe oA t*e Inverted Nar(issist >IN?
The 3N is! usuall&! e@ceedingl& and %ainfull& sh& as a child. Des%ite
this social %ho,ia! his grandiosit& <a,sor,ed fro- the %arent= -ight
direct hi- to see+ Hli-elightH %rofessions and occu%ations! .hich
in*ol*e e@%osure! co-%etition! Hstage frightH and social friction. The
setting can *ar& fro- the li-ited <fa-il&= to the e@%ansi*e <national
-edia= / ,ut! .hate*er it is! the result is constant conflict and
feelings of disco-fort! e*en terror and e@tre-e e@cite-ent and thrill
<Hadrenaline rushH=. This is ,ecause the 3N9s grandiosit& is
Hi-%ortedH and not full& integrated. 3t is! therefore! not su%%orti*e of
his HgrandioseH %ursuits <as is the case .ith the narcissist=. On the
contrar&! the 3N feels a.+.ard! %itted on the edge of a %reci%ice!
contri*ed! false and -isleading! not to sa& deceitful.
The in*erted narcissist gro.s u% in a su%%ressi*e en*iron-ent. 3t
could ,e an orthodo@! h&%er7religious! or traditionalist culture! a
-ono*alent! H,lac+ and .hiteH! doctrinarian and indoctrinating
societ& / or a fa-il& .hich -anifests all the a,o*e in a -icrocos-
all its o.n. The in*erted narcissist is cast in a negati*e <e-ergent=
role .ithin his fa-il&. His Hnegati*it&H is attri,uted to his gender! the
order of his ,irth! religious! social! or cultural dictates and
co--and-ents! his Hcharacter fla.sH! his relation to a s%ecific
%erson or e*ent! his acts or inaction and so on.
3n the .ords of one such 3N:
H3n the religious culture 3 gre. u% in. 5o-en are 4O su%%ressed!
their roles are so carefull& restricted. The& are the re%resentation! in
the flesh! of all that is sinful! degrading! of all that is .rong .ith the
.orld.
These are the negati*e gender6cultural i-ages that .ere force
fed to us the negati*e 9otherness9 of .o-en! as defined ,& -en!
.as fed to -e. 3 .as so sh&! .ithdra.n! una,le to reall& relate to
%eo%le at all fro- as earl& as 3 can re-e-,er.H
The 3N is su,(ected and e@%osed either to an o*er,earing!
o*er*alued %arent! or to an aloof! detached! e-otionall& una*aila,le
one / or to ,oth / at an earl& stage of his life.
H3 gre. u% in the shado. of -& father .ho adored -e! %ut -e on
a %edestal! told -e 3 could do or ,e an&thing 3 .anted ,ecause 3
.as incredi,l& ,right! :;T! he ate -e ali*e! 3 .as his %ro%ert& and
an e@tension of hi-. 3 also gre. u% .ith the -ounting hatred of -&
narcissist ,rother .ho got none of this attention fro- our father and
got no attention fro- our -other either. M& function .as to -a+e
-& father loo+ .onderful in the e&es of all outsiders! the .onderful
%arent .ith a genius 5under+ind as his last child! and the onl& child
of the si@ that he .as %h&sicall& %resent to raise fro- the get go.
The o*er*aluation co-,ined .ith ,eing a,(ectl& ignored or raged at
,& hi- .hen 3 ste%%ed out of line e*en the tiniest ,it! .as enough to
.ar% -& %ersonalit&.H
The in*ert cannot! or is %re*ented fro- de*elo%ing full7,lo.n
secondar& narcissis-. The in*ert is so hea*il& %reoccu%ied in his or
her %re7school &ears in satisf&ing the narcissistic %arent! that the
traits of grandiosit& and self7lo*e! need for adoration and
Narcissistic 4u%%l& fro- ANG *ia,le source re-ain dor-ant or
re%ressed.
The in*ert si-%l& H+no.sH that onl& the narcissistic %arent can
%ro*ide the requisite a-ount of Narcissistic 4u%%l&. The narcissistic
%arent is so controlling that an& atte-%t to garner %raise or
adulation fro- an& other source <.ithout the a%%ro*al of the %arent=
is se*erel& %unished ,& s.ift de*aluation and e*en the occasional
s%an+ing or a,use <%h&sical! e-otional! or se@ual=.
This is a *ital %art of the conditioning that gi*es rise to in*erted
narcissis-. 5here the narcissist e@hi,its grandiosit&! the in*ert is
intensel& unco-forta,le .ith %ersonal %raise! and .ishes to al.a&s
di*ert %raise a.a& fro- hi-self onto his narcissist. This is .h& the
3N can onl& trul& 1EE' an&thing .hen he is in relationshi% .ith
another narcissist. The 3N is conditioned and %rogra--ed fro- the
*er& ,eginning to ,e the %erfect co-%anion to the narcissist. To
feed their Ego! to ,e %urel& their e@tension! to see+ onl& %raise and
adulation if it ,rings greater %raise and adulation to the narcissist.
#*e Inverted Nar(issistBs S'rvival 2'ide
K 'isten attenti*el& to e*er&thing the narcissist sa&s and agree
.ith it all.
Don9t ,elie*e a .ord of it ,ut let it slide as if e*er&thing is (ust
fine! ,usiness as usual.
K Offer so-ething a,solutel& unique to the narcissist .hich the&
cannot o,tain an&.here else.
Also ,e %re%ared to line u% future 4ources of Pri-ar& N4 for
&our narcissist ,ecause &ou .ill not ,e 3T for *er& long! if at all.
3f &ou ta+e o*er the %rocuring function for the narcissist! the&
,eco-e that -uch -ore de%endent on &ou .hich -a+es it a ,it
tougher for the- to %ull their haught& stuff / an ine*ita,ilit&! in
an& case.
K :e endlessl& %atient and go .a& out of &our .a& to ,e
acco--odating! thus +ee%ing the Narcissistic 4u%%l& flo.ing
li,erall&! and +ee%ing the %eace <relati*el& s%ea+ing=.
K ?et tre-endous %ersonal satisfaction out of endlessl& gi*ing.
This one -a& not ,e attracti*e to &ou! ,ut it is a ta+e it or lea*e
it %ro%osition.
K :e a,solutel& e-otionall& and financiall& inde%endent of the
narcissist. Ta+e .hat &ou need: the e@cite-ent and engulf-ent
<i.e.! N4= and refuse to get u%set or hurt .hen the narcissist
does or sa&s so-ething du-,. Gelling ,ac+ .or+s reall& .ell
,ut should ,e reser*ed for s%ecial occasions .hen &ou fear
&our narcissist -a& ,e on the *erge of lea*ing &ouL the silent
treat-ent is ,etter as an ordinar& res%onse! ,ut it -ust ,e
de*oid of e-otional content! -ore .ith the air of ,oredo- and
H39ll tal+ to &ou later! .hen 3 a- good and read&! and .hen &ou
are ,eha*ing in a -ore reasona,le fashion.H
K 3f &our narcissist is cere,ral and NOT interested in ha*ing -uch
se@ / then gi*e &ourself a-%le %er-ission to ha*e se@ .ith
other %eo%le. Gour cere,ral narcissist .ill not ,e indifferent to
infidelit& so discretion and secrec& is of %ara-ount i-%ortance.
K 3f &our narcissist is so-atic and &ou don9t -ind! (oin in on
endlessl& interesting grou% se@ encounters ,ut -a+e sure that
&ou choose %ro%erl& for &our narcissist. The& are heedless and
*er& undiscri-inating in res%ect of se@ual %artners and that can
get *er& %ro,le-atic <4TDs and ,lac+-ail co-e to -ind=.
K 3f &ou are a Hfi@erH .hich -ost in*erted narcissists are! then
focus on fi@ing situations! %refera,l& ,efore the& ,eco-e
HsituationsH. Don9t for one -o-ent delude &ourself that &ou can
13T the narcissist / it si-%l& .ill not ha%%en. Not ,ecause the&
are ,eing stu,,orn / the& (ust si-%l& can9t ,e fi@ed.
K 3f there is an& fi@ing that can ,e done! it is to hel% &our
narcissist ,eco-e a.are of their condition! and this is 8E)G
3MPO)TANT! .ith no negati*e i-%lications or accusations in
the %rocess at all.
3t is li+e li*ing .ith a %h&sicall& handica%%ed %erson and ,eing
a,le to discuss! cal-l&! une-otionall&! .hat the li-itations and
,enefits of the handica% are and ho. the t.o of &ou can .or+
.ith these factors! rather than tr&ing to change the-.
K 13NA''G! and -ost i-%ortant of all for the in*erted narcissist:
FNO5 GO;)4E'1.
5hat are &ou getting fro- the relationshi%> Are &ou actuall& a
-asochist>
5h& is this relationshi% attracti*e and interesting>
Define for &ourself .hat good and ,eneficial things &ou ,elie*e
&ou are recei*ing in this relationshi%. Define the things that &ou
find har-ful TO GO;. De*elo% strategies to -ini-ise the har-
to &ourself.
Don9t e@%ect that &ou .ill cogniti*el& ,e a,le to reason .ith the
narcissist to change .ho the& are. Gou -a& ha*e so-e li-ited
success in getting &our narcissist to tone do.n on the reall&
har-ful ,eha*iours THAT A11ECT GO;! .hich e-anate fro-
the unchangea,le 5HAT the narcissist is. This can onl& ,e
acco-%lished in a *er& trusting! fran+ and o%en relationshi%.
5e fir-l& ,elie*e that it is onl& the in*erted narcissist .ho can
ha*e a reasona,l& good! long lasting relationshi% .ith the
narcissist. Gou -ust ,e %re%ared to gi*e &our narcissist a 'OT of
s%ace and lee.a&.
Gou don9t reall& e@ist for the- as a full& realised %erson / no one
does. The& are not full& realised %eo%le so the& cannot %ossi,l&
ha*e the s+ills! no -atter ho. s-art or se@&! to ,e a co-%lete
%erson in the sense that -ost adults are co-%lete.
So<ati( vers's !ere,ral Inverted Nar(issists >IN?
The in*erted narcissist is reall& an erst.hile narcissist internalised
,& the 3N. 3ne*ita,l&! .e are li+el& to find a-ong the in*erted the
sa-e %ro%ensities! %redilections! %references and inclinations as
.e do a-ong %ro%er narcissists.
The cere,ral 3N is an 3N .hose source of *icarious Pri-ar&
Narcissistic 4u%%l& lies / through the -ediu- and -ediation of a
narcissist / in the e@ercise of his intellectual faculties. A so-atic 3N
.ould tend to -a+e use of his ,od&! se@! sha%e or health in tr&ing
to secure N4 for HhisH narcissist.
The in*erted narcissist feeds on the %ri-ar& narcissist and this is
his Narcissistic 4u%%l&. 4o these t.o t&%ologies can! in essence
,eco-e a self7su%%orting! s&-,iotic s&ste-. 3n realit& though! ,oth
the narcissist and the in*erted narcissist need to ,e quite .ell
a.are of the d&na-ics of this relationshi% in order to -a+e this
.or+ as a successful long7ter- arrange-ent. 3t -ight .ell ,e that
this s&-,iosis .ould onl& .or+ ,et.een a cere,ral narcissist and a
cere,ral in*ert. The so-atic narcissist9s ca%ricious se@ual
dalliances .ould ,e far too threatening to the equani-it& of the
cere,ral in*ert for there to ,e -uch chance of this succeeding!
e*en for a short ti-e.
3t .ould see- that onl& o%%osing t&%es of narcissists can get
along .hen t.o classic narcissists are in*ol*ed in a cou%le. 3t
follo.s! s&llogisticall&! that onl& identical t&%es of narcissist and
in*erted narcissist can sur*i*e in a cou%le. 3n other .ords: the ,est!
-ost enduring cou%les of narcissist and his in*erted narcissist -ate
.ould in*ol*e a so-atic narcissist and a so-atic 3N / or a cere,ral
narcissist and a cere,ral 3N.
!o3ing &it* Nar(issists and Non-Nar(issists
The in*erted narcissist is a %erson .ho gre. u% enthralled ,& the
narcissistic %arent. This %arent engulfed and su,su-ed the child9s
,eing to such an o*er7,earing e@tent that the child9s %ersonalit& .as
irre*oca,l& sha%ed ,& this engulf-ent! da-aged ,e&ond ho%e of
re%air. The child .as not e*en a,le to de*elo% defence
-echanis-s such as narcissis-.
The end result is an in*erted narcissistic %ersonalit&. The traits of
this %ersonalit& are %ri-aril& e*ident in relationshi% conte@ts. The
child .as conditioned ,& the narcissistic %arent to onl& ,e entitled to
feel .hole! useful! %roducti*e! co-%lete .hen the child aug-ented
or -irrored to the %arent their o.n sought after narcissistic i-age.
As a result the child is sha%ed ,& this engulf-ent and cannot feel
co-%lete in an& significant adult relationshi% unless the& are .ith a
narcissist.
The "n*erted Narcissist in
Relationshi$ !ith the Narcissist
The in*erted narcissist is dra.n to significant relationshi%s .ith
other narcissists in his adulthood. These relationshi%s are usuall&
s%ousal %ri-ar& relationshi%s ,ut can also ,e friendshi%s .ith
narcissists outside of the %ri-ar& lo*e relationshi%.
3n a %ri-ar& relationshi%! the in*erted narcissist atte-%ts to re7
create the %arent7child relationshi%. The in*ert thri*es on -irroring
to the narcissist his o.n grandiosit& and in so doing the in*ert
o,tains his O5N Narcissistic 4u%%l& <the de%endence of the
narcissist u%on the in*ert for their 4econdar& Narcissistic 4u%%l&=.
The in*ert -ust ha*e this for- of relationshi% .ith a narcissist in
order to feel co-%lete and .hole. The in*ert .ill go as far as he
needs to ensure that the narcissist is ha%%&! cared for! %ro%erl&
adored! as he feels is the narcissist9s right. The in*ert glorifies his
narcissist! %laces hi- on a %edestal! endures an& and all
narcissistic de*aluation .ith cal- equani-it&! i-%er*ious to the
o*ert slights of the narcissist.
Narcissistic rage is handled deftl& ,& the in*erted narcissist. The
in*ert is e@ceedingl& ade%t at -anaging e*er& as%ect of his life!
tightl& controlling all situations! so as to -ini-ise the %otential for
the ine*ita,le narcissistic rages of his narcissist.
The in*ert .ishes to ,e su,su-ed ,& the narcissist. The in*ert
onl& feels trul& lo*ed and ali*e in this +ind of relationshi%. The in*ert
is loth to a,andon his relationshi%s .ith narcissists. The
relationshi% onl& ends .hen the narcissist .ithdra.s co-%letel&
fro- the s&-,iosis. Once the narcissist has deter-ined that the
in*ert is of no further use! and .ithholds all Narcissistic 4u%%l& fro-
the in*ert! onl& then does the in*ert reluctantl& -o*e on to another
relationshi%. The in*ert is -ost li+el& to equate se@ual inti-ac& .ith
engulf-ent. This can ,e easil& -isread to -ean that the in*ert is
hi-self or herself a so-atic narcissist! ,ut it .ould ,e incorrect. The
in*ert can endure &ears of -ini-al se@ual contact .ith their
narcissist and still ,e a,le to -aintain the self7delusion of inti-ac&
and engulf-ent. The in*ert finds a -&riad of other .a&s to H-ergeH
.ith the narcissist! ,eco-ing inti-atel&! though onl& in su%%ort
roles! in*ol*ed .ith the narcissist9s ,usiness! career! or an& other
acti*it& .here the in*ert can feel that the& are needed ,& the
narcissist and indis%ensa,le. The in*ert is an e@%ert at doling out
Narcissistic 4u%%l& and e*en goes as far as %rocuring Pri-ar&
Narcissistic 4u%%l& for their narcissist <e*en .here this -eans
finding another lo*er for the narcissist! or %artici%ating in grou% se@
.ith the narcissist=. ;suall& though! the in*ert see-s -ost attracted
to the cere,ral narcissist and finds hi- easier to -anage than the
so-atic narcissist. The cere,ral narcissist is disinterested in se@
and this -a+es life considera,l& easier for the in*ert! i.e.! the in*ert
is less li+el& to HloseH their cere,ral narcissist to another %ri-ar&
%artner. A so-atic narcissist -a& ,e %rone to changing %artners
.ith greater frequenc& or .ish to ha*e no %artner! %referring to
ha*e -ulti%le! casual se@ual relationshi%s of no a%%arent de%th
.hich ne*er last *er& long.
The in*ert regards relationshi%s .ith narcissists as the ON'G true
and legiti-ate for- of %ri-ar& relationshi%. The in*ert is ca%a,le of
ha*ing %ri-ar& relationshi%s .ith non7narcissists. :ut .ithout
engulf-ent! the in*ert feels unneeded! un.anted and e-otionall&
unin*ol*ed.
Relationshi$s %et!een the
"n*erted Narcissist and Non2Narcissists
The in*erted narcissist can -aintain relationshi%s outside of the
s&-,iotic %ri-ar& relationshi% .ith a narcissist. :ut the in*ert does
not HfeelH lo*ed ,ecause the non7narcissist is not HengulfingH the-.
Thus! the in*ert tends to de*alue their non7narcissistic %ri-ar&
%artner as less than .orth& of the in*erts9 lo*e and attention.
The in*ert -a& ,e a,le to sustain a relationshi% .ith a non7
narcissist ,& finding other narcissistic s&-,iotic relationshi%s
outside of this %ri-ar& relationshi%. The in*ert -a& ha*e a
narcissistic friend! to .ho- he %a&s e@traordinar& attention!
ignoring the real needs of the non7narcissistic %artner.
Consequentl&! the onl& se-i7sta,le %ri-ar& relationshi% ,et.een
the in*ert and the non7narcissist occurs .here the non7narcissist is
*er& eas& going! e-otionall& secure and not needing -uch fro- the
in*ert at all ,& .a& of ti-e! energ& or co--it-ent to acti*ities
requiring the in*ol*e-ent of ,oth %arties. 3n a relationshi% .ith this
+ind of narcissist! the in*ert -a& ,eco-e a .or+aholic or *er&
in*ol*ed in outside acti*ities that e@clude the non7narcissist s%ouse.
3t a%%ears that the in*erted narcissist in a relationshi% .ith a non7
narcissist is ,eha*iourall& indistinguisha,le fro- a true narcissist.
The onl& i-%ortant e@ce%tion is that the in*ert does not rage at his
non7narcissist %artner / he instead .ithdra.s fro- the relationshi%
e*en further. This %assi*e7aggressi*e reaction has ,een noted!
though! .ith narcissists as .ell.
IN=$R#$. 0N. "#+$R 0#4PI!0L E P0R#I0L >N"S? N0R!ISSIS#S
Inverted Nar(issists #alk a,o't #*e<selves
Com$etition and &Pathological( En*y
4I ha6e a &+na#c that co#es $p /th e6er+ sn'%e person I 'et
c%ose to1 /here I fee% e9tre#e%+ co#pett6e to/ar& an& en6o$s of
the other person( ;$t I &onAt ACT co#pett6e1 !eca$se at the 6er+
o$tset1 I see #+se%f as the %oser n the co#petton( I /o$%& ne6er
&rea# of tr+n' to !eat the other person1 !eca$se I "no/ &eep n
#+ heart that the+ /o$%& /n an& I /o$%& !e $tter%+ h$#%ate&(
There are fe/er thn's on earth that fee% /orse to #e than %osn' a
contest an& ha6n' the other person '%oat o6er #e1 especa%%+ f
the+ "no/ ho/ #$ch I care& a!o$t not %osn'( Ths s one thn' that
I act$a%%+ fee% 6o%ent a!o$t( I '$ess I ten& to proCect the 'ran&ost+
part of the )*, pac"a'e onto the other person rather than on a
Fa%se E'o of #+ o/n( <o #ost of the t#e IA# st$c" n a state of
&eep resent#ent an& en6+ to/ar& her( To #e1 sheAs a%/a+s far
#ore nte%%'ent1 %"a!%e1 pop$%ar1 ta%ente&1 se%f5conf&ent1
e#otona%%+ &e6e%ope&1 #ora%%+ 'oo&1 an& attract6e than I a#( An&
I rea%%+ hate her for that1 an& fee% h$#%ate& !+ t( <o tAs ncre&!%+
har& for #e to fee% happ+ for ths person /hen she has a s$ccess1
!eca$se IA# o6erco#e /th h$#%aton a!o$t #+se%f( Ths has
r$ne& #an+ a c%ose re%atonshp( I ten& to 'et ths /a+ a!o$t one
person at a t#e1 $s$a%%+ the person /ho s p%a+n' the ro%e of A#+
!etter ha%fA1 !est fren&s or %o6ersGpartners( <o tAs not %"e IA#
$na!%e to !e happ+ for an+one1 e6er1 or that I en6+ e6er+ person I
#eet( I &onAt 'et o!sesse& /th ho/ rch or !ea$tf$% #o6e stars
are or an+thn' %"e that( It on%+ 'ets proCecte& onto ths partner5
person1 the person IA# &epen&n' on the #ost n ter#s of s$pp%es
7attenton1 reass$rance1 sec$rt+1 !$%&n' $p #+ se%f5estee#1 etc(8
?
?The rea%%+ &estr$ct6e thn' that happens s1 I see her
'ran&ose trats as '6n' her the po/er to ha6e an+thn' an&
an+one she /ants( <o I fee% a !asc nsec$rt+1 !eca$se /h+ sho$%&
she sta+ /th a %oser %"e #e1 /hen sheAs o!6o$s%+ so o$t of #+
%ea'$eH <o rea%%+1 /hat IA# en6o$s of s the po/er that a%% that
ta%ent1 soca% a!%t+1 !ea$t+1 etc(1 '6es her to ha6e C30ICE< . the
choce to sta+ or %ea6e #e( =hereas I a# $tter%+ &epen&ent on her(
ItAs ths e#otona% ne-$a%t+ that I fn& so h$#%atn'(4
4I a'ree /th the n6erte& narcssst &es'naton . so#et#es IA6e
ca%%e& #+se%f a Ac%oset narcssstA( That s1 IA6e nterna%se& the 6a%$e
s+ste# of 'ran&ost+1 !$t ha6e not app%e& the 'ran&ose &entt+ to
#+se%f(
I !e%e6e I <30I>, ;E those 'ran&ose thn's1 !$t at the sa#e
t#e1 I "no/ IA# not an& IA# #sera!%e a!o$t t( <o peop%e &onAt
thn" of #e as ha6n' an nf%ate& E'o . an& n&ee& I &onAt . !$t
scratch the s$rface1 an& +o$A%% fn& a%% these nf%ate& e9pectatons( I
#ean to sa+ that perhaps the parents s$ppresse& e6er+
#anfestaton of 'ran&ost+ 76er+ co##on n ear%+ ch%&hoo&8 an&
of narcsss# . so that the &efence #echans# that narcsss# s
/as An6erte&A an& nterna%se& n ths $n$s$a% for#(4
42a+!e there arenAt t/o &screte states 7)*, 6s( Are'$%arA %o/
se%f5estee#8 . #a+!e tAs #ore of a contn$$#( An& #a+!e tAs C$st
the &e'ree an& &epth of the pro!%e# that &stn'$shes one fro#
the other(
2+ therapst &escr!es )*, as Athe na!%t+ to %o6e onese%fA( As
she &efnes t1 the Anarcssstc /o$n&A s a &eep /o$n&n' of the
sense of se%f1 the #a'e of onese%f( That &oesnAt #ean that other
&sor&ers . or for that #atter1 other %fe stressors . canAt a%so ca$se
%o/ se%f5estee#( ;$t I thn" )*, I< %o/ se%f5estee#?
ThatAs /hat the &sor&er s rea%%+ a!o$t . an #a'e of +o$rse%f
that s profo$n&%+ ne'at6e1 an& the na!%t+ to attan a nor#a% an&
hea%th+ se%f5#a'e?4
4Jes1 IA# a s$r66or of ch%& a!$se( ;$t re#e#!er that not a%%
a!$se s a%"e( There are &fferent "n&s of a!$se1 an& &fferent
effects( 2+ KKKAs st+%e of a!$se ha& to &o /th tr+n' to annh%ate
#e as a separate person( It a%so ha& to &o /th the nee& to p$t a%%
hs ne'at6e se%f5#a'e onto #e . to see n #e /hat he hate& n
h#se%f( <o I 'ot to p%a+ the ro%e of the %oser that he secret%+ feare&
he /as( I /as f%ppe& !ac" an& forth n those ro%es . so#et#es IA&
!e a <o$rce of )< for h#1 an& other t#es I /as the receptac%e of
a%% hs pan an& ra'e( <o#et#es #+ s$ccesses /ere $se& to
ref%ect !ac" on h#1 to sho/ off to the rest of the fa#%+( 0ther
t#es1 #+ s$ccesses /ere threatenn' to #+ father1 /ho s$&&en%+
feare& that I /as s$peror to h# an& ha& to !e s-$e%che&( I
e9perence e#otons that #ost peop%e I "no/ &onAt fee%( 0r #a+!e
the+ &o fee% the#1 !$t to far %ess e9tre#e ntenst+( For e9a#p%e1
the en6+ an& co#parsonGco#petton I fee% to/ar& others( I '$ess
#ost of $s ha6e e9perence& r6a%r+1 Cea%o$s+1 !en' co#pare& to
others( 2ost of $s ha6e fe%t en6+ at anotherAs s$ccess( Jet #ost
peop%e I "no/ see# a!%e to o6erco#e those fee%n's to so#e
e9tent1 to !e a!%e to f$ncton nor#a%%+( In a co#petton1 for
e9a#p%e1 the+ #a+ !e &r6en to &o ther !est so the+ can /n( For
#e1 the fear of %osn' an& !en' h$#%ate& s so ntense that I a6o&
co#petton co#p%ete%+( I a# terrfe& of sho/n' peop%e that I care
a!o$t &on' /e%%1 !eca$se tAs so sha#n' for #e f I %ose( <o I
$n&erache6e an& preten& I &onAt care( 2ost peop%e I "no/ #a+
en6+ another personAs 'oo& %$c" or s$ccess1 !$t t &oesnAt pre6ent
the# fro# a%so !en' happ+ for the# an& s$pportn' the#( ;$t for
#e1 /hen IA# n a co#pett6e &+na#c /th so#eone1 I canAt hear
a!o$t an+ of ther s$ccesses1 or co#p%#ents the+A6e rece6e&1 etc(
I &onAt e6en %"e to see the person &on' 'oo& thn's1 %"e !rn'n'
Than"s'6n' %efto6ers to the sc" o%& '$+ ne9t &oor1 !eca$se those
thn's #a"e #e fee% nferor for not thn"n' of &on' that #+se%f
7an& not ha6n' an+one n #+ %fe that IA& &o that for8( ItAs C$st so
ncre&!%+ panf$% for #e to see e6&ence of the other personAs 'oo&
-$a%tes1 !eca$se t ##e&ate%+ !rn's $p #+ fee%n' of nferort+( I
canAt e6en stan& to &ate so#eone1 /ho %oo"s rea%%+ 'oo&1 !eca$se
IA# Cea%o$s of ther 'oo& %oo"sL <o ths &eep an& o!sess6e en6+
has &estro+e& #+ Co+ n other peop%e( A%% the thn's a!o$t other
peop%e that I %o6e an& ta"e p%eas$re n s a &o$!%e5e&'e& s/or&
!eca$se I a%so hate the# for t1 for ha6n' those 'oo& -$a%tes
7/h%e1 pres$#a!%+1 I &onAt8( I &onAt "no/ . &o +o$ thn" ths s
'ar&en56aret+ %o/ se%f5estee#H I "no/ p%ent+ of peop%e /ho s$ffer
fro# %ac" of conf&ence1 fro# t#&t+1 soca% a/"/ar&ness1 hatre&
of ther !o&+1 fee%n' $n%o6a!%e1 etc( ;$t the+ &onAt ha6e ths "n& of
host%e1 corros6e resent#ent of another person for !en' a%% the
/on&erf$% thn's that the+ canAt !e1 or arenAt a%%o/e& to !e1 etc( An&
one thn' I hate s /hen peop%e are C$&'e#enta% of #e a!o$t ho/ I
fee%1 as tho$'h I can he%p t( ItAs %"e1 AJo$ sho$%&nAt !e so se%fsh1
+o$ sho$%& fee% happ+ for her that sheAs s$ccessf$%A1 etc( The+ &onAt
$n&erstan& that I /o$%& %o6e to fee% those thn's1 !$t I canAt( I canAt
stop the ncre&!%e pan that e9p%o&es n #e /hen these fee%n's
'et tr''ere&1 an& I often canAt e6en 3I,E the fee%n's( ItAs C$st so
o6er/he%#n'( I fee% so &a#a'e& so#et#es( ThereAs #ore1 !$t
thatAs the cr$9 of t for #e1 an+/a+(4
1etting Com$liments
4I %o6e 'ettn' co#p%#ents an& re/ar&s1 an& &o not react
ne'at6e%+ to the#( In so#e #oo&s1 /hen #+ se%f5hate has 'otten
tr''ere&1 I can so#et#es 'et to p%aces /here IA# nconso%a!%e1
!eca$se I 'et st$c" n !tterness an& se%f5pt+1 an& so I &o$!t the
sncert+ or the re%a!%t+ of the 'oo& thn' that so#eone s sa+n'
to #e 7to tr+ to cheer #e $p or /hate6er8( ;$t1 f IA# n a reasona!%e
#oo& an& so#eone offers #e so#ethn' 'oo&1 IA# a%% too happ+ to
accept tL I &onAt ha6e a sta"e n sta+n' #sera!%e(4
The Partiality o+ the Condition
4I &o a'ree that tAs 7at+pca% or n6erte& narcsss#8 not 2I>,E:(
;$t ho/ I see t s that tAs *A:TIA>( The part thatAs there s C$st as
&estr$ct6e as t s n the t+pca% narcssst( ;$t there are parts
#ssn' fro# that tota%1 f$%%5!%o/n &sor&er . an& I see that as
hea%th+1 act$a%%+( I see t as parts of #+se%f that =E:E)AT nfecte&
!+ the patho%o'+1 that are st%% ntact(
In #+ case1 I && not &e6e%op the o6er/eenn' E'o part of the
&sor&er( <o n a sense1 /hat +o$ ha6e /th #e s the na"e&
patho%o'+1 /th no co6ern': no s$a6eness1 no char#1 no chars#a1
no conf&ence1 no pers$as6eness1 !$t a%so no e9c$ses1 no %es1 no
C$stfcatons for #+ fee%n's( M$st the $'%+ se%f5hate1 for a%% to see(
An& the se%f5hate part s C$st as !a& as t s /th a f$%%5!%o/n
narcssst1 so a'an1 tAs not #%&er(
;$t !eca$se I &onAt ha6e the &ena% part of the &sor&er1 I ha6e a
%ot #ore ns'ht1 a %ot #ore #ot6aton to &o so#ethn' a!o$t #+
pro!%e#s 7(e(1 I Ase%f5referA to therap+81 an& therefore1 I thn"1 a %ot
#ore hope of 'ettn' !etter than peop%e /hose &efence n6o%6es
tota%%+ &en+n' the+ e6en ha6e a pro!%e#(4
4=hen #+ f$%%5!%o/n KKKAs patho%o'ca% en6+ /o$%& 'et
tr''ere&1 he /o$%& respon& !+ p$ttn' &o/n the person he /as
en6o$s of . or !+ p$ttn' &o/n the acco#p%sh#ent tse%f1 or
/hate6er 'oo& st$ff the other person ha&( 3eA& tr6a%se t1 or
o$tr'ht contra&ct t1 or fn& so#e /a+ to con6nce the other person
7often #e8 that the thn' the+Are fee%n' 'oo& a!o$t snAt rea%1 or snAt
/orth/h%e1 or s so#eho/ !a&1 etc( 3e co$%& &o ths !eca$se the
nf%ate& E'o &efence /as f$%%+ for#e& an& operatn' /th h#(
=hen 2J patho%o'ca% en6+ 'ets tr''ere&1 I /%% !e !%$nt%+
honest a!o$t t( IA%% sa+ so#ethn' se%f5pt+n'1 s$ch as: AJo$ a%/a+s
'et the 'oo& st$ff1 an& I 'et nothn'AF AJo$Are so #$ch !etter than IAF
A*eop%e %"e +o$ !etter . +o$ ha6e 'oo& soca% s"%%s an& IA# a Cer"AF
an& so on( 0r I #'ht e6en 'et host%e an& sarcastc: A=e%%1 t #$st
!e nce to ha6e so #an+ peop%e /orshppn' +o$1 snAt tHA I &onAt tr+
to con6nce #+se%f that the other personAs s$ccess snAt rea% or
/orth/h%e1 etc( Instea&1 IA# tota%%+ f%oo&e& /th the pan of fee%n'
$tter%+ nferor an& /orth%ess . an& thereAs no /a+ for #e to
con6nce #+se%f or an+one e%se other/se( IA# not sa+n' that the
thn's I sa+ are p%easant to hear . an& t s st%% #anp$%at6e of #e
to sa+ the#1 !eca$se the other personAs attenton s &ra/n a/a+
fro# ther Co+ an& onto #+ pan an& host%t+( An& nstea& of
&o$!tn' ther s$ccessAs /orth or rea%t+1 the+ fee% '$%t+ a!o$t t1 or
a!o$t ta%"n' a!o$t t1 !eca$se t h$rts #e so #$ch( <o fro# the
other personAs pont of 6e/1 #a+!e tAs not an+ easer to %6e /th a
parta% narcssst than /th a f$%%5!%o/n1 n that ther Co+s an&
s$ccesses %ea& to pan n !oth cases( ItAs certan%+ not easer for
#e1 !en' f%oo&e& /th ra'e an& pan nstea& of !en' a!%e to h&e
!ehn& a &e%$son of 'ran&e$r( ;$t fro# #+ therapstAs pont of
6e/1 IA# #$ch !etter off !eca$se I "no/ IA# $nhapp+ . tAs n #+
face a%% the t#e( <o IA# #ot6ate& to /or" on t an& chan'e t( An&
t#e has !orne her /or&s o$t( 06er the past se6era% +ears that IA6e
/or"e& on ths ss$e1 I ha6e chan'e& a 'reat &ea% n ho/ I &ea%
/th t( )o/ /hen the en6+ 'ets tr''ere&1 I &onAt fee% so ent/ne&
/th the other person . I reco'nse that tAs #+ 0=) pan 'ettn'
tr''ere&1 not so#ethn' the+ are &on' to #e( An& so I can
ac"no/%e&'e the pan n a #ore respons!%e /a+1 ta"n' o/nershp
of t !+ sa+n'1 AThe Cea%o$s+ fee%n's are 'ettn' tr''ere& a'an1
an& IA# fee%n' /orth%ess an& nferor( Can +o$ reass$re #e that IA#
notHA ThatAs a %ot !etter than #a"n' so#e sn&e1 host%e1 or se%f5
pt+n' co##ent that p$ts the other person on the &efens6e or
#a"es the# fee% '$%t+? I &o prefer the ter# Aparta%A !eca$se thatAs
/hat t fee%s %"e to #e( ItAs %"e a !$%&n' thatAs parta%%+ !$%t . the
ho$se of narcsss#( For #e1 the str$ct$re s there1 !$t not the
o$ts&e1 so +o$ can see ns&e the s"e%eton to a%% the C$n" thatAs
ns&e( ItAs the sa#e C$n" thatAs ns&e a f$%%5!%o/n narcssst1 !$t
ther !$%&n' s co#p%ete&1 so +o$ canAt see ns&e( Ther !$%&n' s
a fortress1 an& tAs a%#ost #poss!%e to !rn' t &o/n( 2+ &efences
arenAt as stron' ? /hch #a"es #+ %fe #ore &ffc$%t n so#e /a+s
!eca$se I :EA>>J fee% #+ pan( ;$t t a%so #eans that the ho$se
can !e !ro$'ht &o/n #ore eas%+1 an& the C$n" ns&e c%eane&
o$t?4
Thin3ing a%out the Past and the World
4I &onAt $s$a%%+ 'et ra'ef$% a!o$t the past( I fee% sort of e#otona%%+
c$t5off fro# the past1 act$a%%+( I re#e#!er e6ents 6er+ c%ear%+1 !$t
$s$a%%+ canAt re#e#!er the fee%n's( =hen I &o re#e#!er the
fee%n's1 #+ reacton s $s$a%%+ one of sa&ness1 an& so#et#es of
re%ef that I can 'et !ac" n to$ch /th #+ past( ;$t not ra'e( A%% #+
ra'e see#s to 'et &sp%ace& on the c$rrent peop%e n #+ %fe(4
4?=hen I see so#eone !en' rea%%+ soca%%+ a/"/ar& an&
'ee"+1 pass6e5a''ress6e1 n&rect an& 6ct#5%"e1 t &oes tr''er
an'er n #e !eca$se I &entf+ /th that person an& I &onAt /ant to( I
tr+ to p$t #+ ne'at6e fee%n's onto the#1 to see that person as the
Cer"1 not #e . thatAs /hat a narcssst &oes1 after a%%( ;$t for #e t
&oesnAt co#p%ete%+ /or" !eca$se I "no/1 consco$s%+1 /hat IA#
tr+n' to &o( An& $%t#ate%+1 IA# not "&&n' an+one1 %east of a%%
#+se%f(4
Sel+2Pity and De$ression
42ore se%f5pt+ an& &epresson here . not so #$ch ra'e( 0ne of the
thn's that tr''ers #+ ra'e #ore than an+thn' e%se s the na!%t+
to contro% another person1 the na!%t+ to &o#nate the# an& force
#+ rea%t+ on the#( I fee% #potent1 h$#%ate&1 force& !ac" on #+
e#pt+ se%f( *art of /hat IA# fee%n' here s en6+: that person /ho
canAt !e contro%%e& c%ear%+ has a se%f an& I &onAt1 an& I C$st hate
the# for t( ;$t tAs a%so a po/er str$''%e . I /ant to 'et )arcssstc
<$pp%+ !+ !en' n contro% an& on top an& ha6n' the other person
s$!#ss6e an& co#p%ant?4
Regretting4 dmitting 5ista3es
4I re'ret #+ !eha6o$r horr!%+1 an& I ,0 a&#t #+ fee%n's( I a#
a%so a!%e1 n the after#ath1 to ha6e e#path+ for the fee%n's of the
person IA6e h$rt1 an& IA# horr!%+ sa& a!o$t t1 an& asha#e& of
#+se%f( ItAs as tho$'h IA& !een possesse& !+ a &e#on1 acte& o$t a%%
ths a!$s6e horr!%e st$ff1 an& then1 after the &epart$re of the
&e#on1 IA# !ac" n #+ r'ht #n& an& tAs %"e1 A=hat ha6e I
,0)EHHHA I &onAt #ean IA# not respons!%e for /hat I && 7(e(1 a
&e#on #a&e #e &o t8( ;$t /hen IA# tr''ere&1 I ha6e no e#path+
. I can on%+ see #+ proCecton onto that person1 as a h$'e threat to
#e1 so#eone /ho #$st !e &e#o%she&( ;$t /hen #+ hea& c%ears1
I see that personAs pan1 h$rt1 fear . an& I fee% terr!%e( I /ant to
#a"e t $p to the#( An& that fee%n' s tota%%+ sncere . tAs not an
act( IA# 'en$ne%+ sorr+ for the pan IA6e ca$se& the other person(4
Rage
4I /o$%&nAt sa+ that #+ ra'e co#es fro# represse& se%f5conte#pt
7#ne s not represse& . IA# tota%%+ a/are of t8( An& tAs not #ssn'
atone#ent ether1 snce I &o atone( The ra'e co#es fro# fee%n'
h$#%ate&1 fro# fee%n' that the other person has so#eho/
sa&stca%%+ an& '%eef$%%+ #a&e #e fee% nferor1 that the+Are 'ettn'
off on !en' s$peror1 that the+Are #oc"n' #e an& r&c$%n' #e1
that the+ ha6e scorn an& conte#pt for #e an& fn& t a%% 6er+
a#$sn'( That . /hether rea% or #a'ne& 7$s$a%%+ #a'ne&8 . s
/hat ca$ses #+ ra'e(4
Pursuing Relationshi$s !ith Narcissists
4There are so#e 6er+ fe/ of $s /ho act$a%%+ see" o$t re%atonshps
/th narcsssts( =e &o ths /th the f$%% "no/%e&'e that /e are not
/ante&1 &espse& e6en( =e persst an& p$rs$e no #atter the
conse-$ences1 no #atter the cost(
I a# an An6erte& narcssstA( It s !eca$se as a ch%& I /as
A#prnte&Gf9ate&A /th a partc$%ar pattern n6o%6n' re%atonshps( I
/as en'$%fe& so co#p%ete%+ !+ #+ fatherAs persona%t+ an&
represse& so se6ere%+ !+ 6aro$s other factors n #+ ch%&hoo& that
I s#p%+ &&nAt &e6e%op a reco'nsa!%e persona%t+( I e9ste& p$re%+
as an e9tenson of #+ father( I /as hs 'en$s =$n&er"n&( 3e
'nore& #+ #other an& po$re& a%% hs ener'+ an& effort nto #e( I
&& not &e6e%op f$%%5!%o/n secon&ar+ narcsss#? I &e6e%ope& nto
the perfect Aother ha%fA of the narcsssts #o$%&n' #e( I !eca#e the
perfect1 ea'er co&epen&ent( An& ths s an #prnt1 a pattern n #+
ps+che1 a /a+ of 7not8 re%atn' to the /or%& of re%atonshps !+ on%+
!en' a!%e to tr$%+ re%ate to one person 7#+ father8 an& then one
"n& of person . the narcssst(
3e s #+ perfect %o6er1 #+ perfect #ate1 a ft that s so s%c" an&
s#ooth1 so co#forta!%e an& effort%ess1 so f%%e& /th #eann' an&
act$a% fee%n's . thatAs the other thn'( I cannot fee% on #+ o/n( I
a# nco#p%ete( I can on%+ fee% /hen I a# en'$%fe& !+ another 7frst
t /as #+ father8 an& no/ . /e%% no/ t has to !e a narcssst( )ot
C$st an+ narcssst ether( 3e #$st !e e9cee&n'%+ s#art1 'oo&
%oo"n'1 ha6e a&e-$ate repro&$ct6e e-$p#ent an& so#e
"no/%e&'e on ho/ to $se t an& thatAs a!o$t t(
=hen I a# en'$%fe& !+ so#eone %"e ths I fee% co#p%ete&1 I can
act$a%%+ FEE>( I a# /ho%e a'an( I f$ncton as a s!+%1 an orac%e1 an
e9tenson of the narcssst( 3s fercest protector1 hs
p$r6e+orGproc$rer of )<1 the secretar+1 or'anser1 #ana'er1 etc( I
thn" +o$ 'et the pct$re an& ths '6es #e I)TE)<E *>EA<I:E(
<o the ans/er to +o$r -$eston: A=h+ /o$%& an+one /ant to !e
/th so#eone /ho &oesnAt /ant the# !ac"HA The short ans/er s1
A;eca$se there s no one e%se re#ote%+ /orth %oo"n' at(A4
5a3ing mends
4I #ost%+ apo%o'se1 an& I '6e the person space to ta%" a!o$t /hat
h$rt the# so that 718 the+ 'et to e9press ther an'er or h$rt to #e1
an& 728 I can $n&erstan& !etter an& "no/ !etter ho/ not to h$rt
the# 7f I can a6o& t8 the ne9t t#e thereAs a conf%ct( <o#et#es
the h$rt I ca$se s $nntentona% . #a+!e IA6e !een nsenst6e or
for'etf$% or so#ethn'1 n /hch case I fee% #ore certan that I can
a6o& repeatn' the h$rtf$% !eha6o$r1 snce I &&nAt /ant to h$rt
the# n the frst p%ace( If the h$rt I ca$se& has to &o /th #+ 'ettn'
#+ tr''er p$%%e& an& 'on' nto a ra'e1 then that h$rt /as -$te
&e%!erate1 a%tho$'h at the t#e I /as $na!%e to e9perence the
other person as 6$%nera!%e or capa!%e of !en' h$rt !+ #e( An& I &o
rea%se that f that tr''er s p$%%e& a'an1 t #'ht happen a'an( ;$t
I a%so hope that thereA%% !e a >ITT>E TI)J /n&o/ /here the
#e#or+ of the con6ersaton /%% co#e !ac" to #e /h%e IA# n #+
ra'e1 an& IA%% re#e#!er that the person rea%%+ I< 6$%nera!%e( I hope
that !+ hearn' o6er an& o6er that the person act$a%%+ &oes fee%
h$rt !+ /hat I sa+ /h%e n ra'es1 that I #'ht re#e#!er that /hen I
a# tr''ere& an& ra'n'( <o1 #ost%+ I apo%o'se an& tr+ to
co##$ncate /th the other person( I &onAt 6er!a%%+ se%f5f%a'e%%ate1
!eca$se thatAs #anp$%at6e( )ot to sa+ I ne6er &o that . n fact IA6e
ha& a &+na#c /th peop%e /here I 6er!a%%+ p$t #+se%f &o/n an&
tr+ to en'a'e the other person nto ar'$n' #e o$t of t(
;$t f IA# n the #&&%e of apo%o'sn' to the other person for
h$rtn' the#1 then I fee% %"e ths s ther #o#ent1 an& I &onAt /ant to
t$rn the foc$s to/ar& 'ettn' the# to tr+ to #a"e #e fee% !etter( I
/%% ta%" a!o$t #+se%f1 !$t on%+ n an atte#pt to co##$ncate1 so
that /e can $n&erstan& each other !etter( I #'ht sa+1 AI 'ot
tr''ere& a!o$t s$ch5an&5s$ch1 an& +o$ see#e& so n6$%nera!%e
that t enra'e& #eA1 etc( . an& the other person #'ht react /th1
A;$t I /as fee%n' 6$%nera!%e1 I C$st co$%&nAt sho/ tA1 etc( . an& /eA%%
'o !ac" an& forth %"e that( <o tAs not %"e I &onAt thn" #+ fee%n's
co$nt1 an& I &o /ant the other person to I),E:<TA), #+
fee%n's1 !$t I &onAt /ant to p$t the other person n the ro%e of ta"n'
care of #+ fee%n's n that #o#ent1 !eca$se the+ ha6e C$st !een
h$rt !+ #e an& IA# tr+n' to #a"e t $p to the#1 not s-$eeDe #ore
st$ff 0IT of the#?4
4<o /hen IA6e !een a rea% Cer" to so#eone1 I /ant the# to fee%
%"e tAs 0N to !e psse& off at #e1 an& I /ant the# to "no/ that I
a# ntereste& n an& foc$se& on ho/ the+ fee%1 not C$st on ho/ I
fee%( As for 'fts . I $se& to &o that1 !$t e6ent$a%%+ I ca#e to fee%
that that /as #anp$%at6e1 too1 that t #$&&%e& thn's !eca$se then
the other person /o$%& fee% %"e the+ co$%&nAt !e an'r+ an+#ore1
snce after a%%1 IA6e C$st !ro$'ht the# ths nce 'ft( I a%so fee% that n
'enera%1 'ft5'6n' s a s/eet an& ten&er thn' to &o1 an& I &onAt
/ant to s$%%+ that ten&erness !+ assocatn' t /th the h$rt that
co#es fro# a!$s6e !eha6o$r(4
Why Narcissists6
4I a# ;II>T ths /a+( I #a+ ha6e o6erstate& t !+ sa+n' that I ha6e
Ano choceA !eca$se1 n fact I &o(
The choce s . %6e n an e#otona%%+ &ea&ene& #onochro#e
/or%& /here I can reasona!%+ nteract /th nor#a% peop%e 0: I can
choose to !e /th a narcssst n /hch case #+ /or%& s
Technco%or1 e#otona%%+ satsf+n'1 a%6e an& /on&ro$s 7a%so can
!e t$r!$%ent an& a rea% ro%%er coaster r&e for the $nprepare&1 not to
#enton ncre&!%+ &a#a'n' for peop%e /ho are not n6erte&
narcsssts an& /ho fa%% nto re%atonshps /th narcsssts8( As I
ha6e /a%"e& on !oth s&es of the street1 an& !eca$se I ha6e
&e6e%ope& copn' #echans#s that protect #e rea%%+ -$te /e%%1 I
can reasona!%+ safe%+ en'a'e n a pr#ar+1 nt#ate re%atonshp
/th a narcssst /tho$t 'ettn' h$rt !+ t(
The rea% =3J of t a%% s that I %earne&1 as a +o$n' ch%&1 that
!en' Aeaten a%6eA !+ a narcssst parent1 to the pont /here +o$r
e9stence s !$t an e9tenson of hs o/n1 /as ho/ a%% re%atonshps
o$'ht to /or"( It s a ps+cho%o'ca% #prnt . #+ A%o6e #apA1 t s
/hat fee%s r'ht to #e ntrnsca%%+( A pattern of %6n' . I &onAt "no/
ho/ e%se to &escr!e t so +o$ an& others /%% $n&erstan& ho/ 6er+
nat$ra% an& nor#a% ths s for #e( It s not the tort$ro$s e9stence
that #ost of the s$r66ors of narcsss# are reco$ntn' on ths %st(
2+ e9perences /th narcsssts1 to #e1 A:E )0:2A> for #e(
Co#forta!%e %"e an o%& par of s%ppers that ft perfect%+( I &onAt
e9pect #an+ peop%e to atte#pt to &o ths1 to A#a"e the#se%6es ntoA
ths "n& of person( I &onAt thn" an+one co$%&1 f the+ tre&(
It s #+ nee& to !e en'$%fe& an& #er'e& that &r6es #e to these
re%atonshps an& /hen I 'et those nee&s #et I fee% #ore nor#a%1
!etter a!o$t #+se%f( I a# the o$ter e9tenson of the narcssst( In
#an+ /a+s I a# a 6an'$ar&1 a p$!%c t/o5/a+ /arnn' s+ste#1
ferce%+ &efen&n' #+ narcssst fro# har#1 an& ferce%+ %o+a% to
h#1 catern' to hs e6er+ nee& n or&er to protect hs fra'%e
e9stence( These are the &+na#cs of #+ partc$%ar 6erson of
en'$%f#ent( I &onAt nee& an+one to ta"e care of #e( I nee& on%+ to
!e nee&e& n ths 6er+ partc$%ar /a+1 !+ a narcssst /ho ne6ta!%+
possesses the a!%t+ to en'$%f n a /a+ that nor#a%1 f$%%+ rea%se&
a&$%ts cannot( It s so#e/hat para&o9ca% . I fee% freer an& #ore
n&epen&ent /th a narcssst than /tho$t one( I ache6e #ore n
#+ %fe /hen I a# n ths for# of re%atonshp( I tr+ har&er1 /or"
har&er1 a# #ore creat6e1 thn" !etter of #+se%f1 e9ce% n #ost
e6er+ aspect of #+ %fe(4
4?I 'o ahea& an& cater to h# an& preten& that hs /or&s &onAt
h$rt1 an& %ater1 I en'a'e n an nterna% f'ht /th #+se%f for !en' so
&a#ne& s$!#ss6e( ItAs a constant !att%e an& I canAt see# to
&ec&e /hch 6oce n #+ hea& I sho$%& %sten to? I fee% %"e a foo%1
+et1 I /o$%& rather !e a foo% /th h# than a %one%+1 /e%%5ro$n&e&
/o#an /tho$t h#( IA6e often sa& that the on%+ /a+ that /e can
sta+ to'ether s !eca$se /e fee& off of each other( I '6e h#
e6er+thn' he nee&s an& he ta"es t( <een' h# happ+ an&
p%ease& s /hat '6es #e p%eas$re( I fee% 6er+ s$ccessf$% then(4
Partial NPD
4I &o thn" tAs $nco##on for 'r%s to &e6e%op these patterns1 as
the+ are $s$a%%+ trane& to !e se%f5effacn'( I certan%+ /asL
3o/e6er1 I ha6e a %ot of the 6er+ sa#e $n&er%+n' patterns that f$%%5
!%o/n1 o!no9o$s%+ e'otstca% )*As ha6e1 !$t I a# not e'otstca%
!eca$se I &&nAt &e6e%op the pattern of nf%ate& E'o an& 'ran&ost+(
A%% the rest of t s there1 tho$'h: fra'%e E'o1 %ac" of a centre or se%f1
s$per5senst6e to crtcs# an& reCectons1 patho%o'ca%1 o!sess6e
en6+1 co#parsons an& co#pett6e attt$&es to/ar& others1 a !e%ef
that e6er+one n the /or%& s ether s$peror or nferor to #e1 an&
so on(
<o#et#es I "n& of /sh I ha& &e6e%ope& the nf%ate& E'o of a
co#p%ete )*1 !eca$se then I /o$%& at %east !e a!%e to h&e fro# a%%
the pan I fee%( ;$t at the sa#e t#e1 IA# '%a& I &&nAt1 !eca$se
those peop%e ha6e a #$ch %o/er chance of reco6er+ . ho/ can
the+ reco6er f the+ &onAt ac"no/%e&'e an+thn' s /ron'H =hereas
tAs prett+ c%ear to #e I ha6e pro!%e#s1 an& IA6e spent #+ %fe
/or"n' on the# an& tr+n' to chan'e #+se%f an& hea%(4
Narcissist2Non Narcissist
nd Narcissist2"n*erted Narcissist Cou$les
4Can a ) an& a non5) e6er #antan a %on' %astn' #arra'eH It
/o$%& see# that a non5) /o$%& ha6e too #$ch se%f5estee# to %en&
h#se%f to a %fet#e of catern' an& pan&ern' to an )As $nen&n'
nee& for $nearne& a&oraton an& '%or+( I1 as a non5)? 'ot tre& of
these peop%e an& ther $nre#ttn' atte#pts to &ran #+ ps+che
/thn a re%at6e%+ short pero& of t#e an& a!an&one& the# as
soon as I rea%se& /hat I /as &ea%n' /th to preser6e #+ o/n
sant+(4
4It &epen&s on the non5narcssst1 rea%%+( )arcsss# s a :IOI,1
s+ste#c pattern of responses( It s so a%%5per6as6e an& a%%5
enco#passn' that t s a *E:<0)A>ITJ &sor&er( If the non5
narcssst s co&epen&ent1 for nstance1 then the narcssst s a
perfect #atch for h# an& the $non /%% %ast?4
4Jo$ ha6e to p#p for the narcssst1 nte%%ect$a%%+1 an& se9$a%%+( If
+o$r narcssst s so#atc1 +o$ are #$ch !etter off %nn' $p the se9
partners than %ea6n' t to h#( Inte%%ect$a% p#pn' s #ore 6are&(
Jo$ can thn" of /on&erf$% thn's an& then s$!t%+ strn' o$t the
&ea1 n the #ost &e%cate of pac"a'es an& /atch the narcssst
co'tate ther /a+ to AtherA !r%%ant &sco6er+ /h%st +o$ !as" n the
'%o/ of ther perfecton an& s$ccess? The pont of ths entre
e9ercse s to ass$re J0I: s$pp%+1 /hch s the narcssst h#se%f1
not to p$nsh +o$rse%f !+ '6n' a/a+ a 'reat &ea or a!ase +o$rse%f
!eca$se1 of co$rse1 J0I are not /orth+ of ha6n' s$ch a 'reat
&ea on +o$r o/n . !$t /ho "no/s1 t #a+ see# that /a+ to the
n6erte& narcssst( It rea%%+ &epen&s on ho/ se%f5a/are the n6erte&
s(4
4The on%+ reCecton +o$ nee& to fear s the poss!%t+ of %osn' the
narcssst an& f one s &on' e6er+thn' e%se r'ht1 ths s 6er+
$n%"e%+ to happenL <o !+ Ae#otona%%+ n&epen&entA I a# ta%"n'
a!o$t !en' se%f5ass$re&1 &on' +o$r o/n thn'1 ha6n' a %fe1
fee%n' stron' an& 'oo& a!o$t +o$rse%f1 'ettn' e#otona%
s$stenance fro# other peop%e( I #ean1 %etAs face t1 a &r$' s a &r$'
s a ha!t( 3a!ts C$st are1 an& /hat the+ A:E )0T are the !e a%%
an& en& a%% of %o6e1 co##t#ent an& serene s+##etrca%1 !a%ance&
e#otona% perfecton that s the &ea% of the ro#antcse& A%o6e5for5a5
%fet#eA a%%5A#ercan re%atonshp &rea#(4
47I a#8 terr!%+ t$rne& on !+ narcsssts( The #ost e9ctn'
#o#ents of #+ %fe n e6er+ 6en$e ha6e !een /th narcsssts( It s
as f %6n' an& %o6n' /th nor#a% peop%e s a 're+ thn' !+
co#parson1 not f$e%%e& !+ s$ffcent a&rena%ne( I fee% %"e a C$n"e1
no/1 that I no %on'er per#t #+se%f the '&&+ p%eas$re of the :I<3
I $se& to "no/ /hen I /as &eep%+ an& hope%ess%+ n6o%6e& /th an
)( I a# %"e a %ot$s5eater( An& I a%/a+s fe%t '$%t+ a!o$t ths an&
a%so sorr+ that I e6er s$cc$#!e& that frst t#e to #+ frst narcssst
%o6er(4
4I a# e9act%+ ths /a+ an& I fee% e9act%+ as +o$ &o1 that the /or%&
s a sepa #oton pct$re !$t /hen I a# nt#ate%+ n6o%6e& /th a
narcssst1 t !rea"s o$t nto three5&#ensona% Technco%or an& I
can see an& fee% n /a+s that are not a6a%a!%e to #e other/se( In
#+ case I &e6e%ope& ths 7n6erte& narcsss#8 as a res$%t of !en'
the fa6o$rte of #+ father /ho so co#p%ete%+ a!sor!e& #e nto hs
persona%t+ that I /as not a!%e to &e6e%op a sense of separaton( <o
I a# st$c" n ths persona%t+ #atr9 of nee&n' to !e en'$%fe&1
a&ore& !+ an& co#p%ete%+ ta"en o6er !+ a narcssst n #+ %fe( In
t$rn1 I /orshp1 &efen&1 re'$%ate an& proc$re )arcssstc <$pp%+ for
#+ narcssst( It s %"e the #o$%& an& the #o$%&e&(4
4In #+ case1 I rea%se that /h%e I canAt stop %o6n' #+ c$rrent
narcssst1 t snAt necessar+ for #e to a6o& as %on' as I can
$n&erstan&( In #+ /a+ of %oo"n' at t1 he s &eser6n' of %o6e1 an&
snce I can '6e h# %o6e /tho$t t h$rtn' #e1 then as %on' as he
nee&s t1 he sha%% ha6e t(4
42+ persona% theor+ s that &o'#atc re%'o$s c$%t$re s a
retar&n' nf%$ence on the 'ro/th an& #at$raton of those hea6%+
n6o%6e& . #ore an& #ore a$tono#+ 7an& hence persona%
respons!%t+8 see#s to !e !%the%+ sacrfce& to the 'ro$p
#n&Gsprt( It s as tho$'h the ch$rch #e#!ers !eco#e one
persona%t+ an& that persona%t+ s narcssstc an& the n&6&$a%
C$st fo%&s $n&er the /e'ht of that "n& of 'ro$p press$re .
partc$%ar%+ f +o$ are a ch%&(4
4If I &sp%a+e& !eha6o$r that #a&e #+ KKK %oo" 'oo& to others1 I
/as nsp&%+ o6er6a%$e&( =hen I &are& !e so#ethn' other than
/ho she /ante& #e to !e1 the sarcastc crtcs# an& tota%
&e6a%$aton /as $n!e%e6a!%e( <o1 I %earne& to !e a%% thn's to a%%
peop%e( I 'et a hea6en%+ h'h fro# s$rren&ern' #+ po/er to a
narcssst1 to catern' to the#1 n ha6n' the# o6er6a%$e an& nee&
#e1 an& t s the on%+ t#e that I tr$%+ fee% a%6e?4
4=e ha6e 6er+ %tt%e choce n a%% of ths( =e are as 6acant an&
/arpe& as the narcssst( KKK s /ont to sa+1 AI &onAt 3AVE a
persona%t+ &sor&er1 I A2 a persona%t+ &sor&er(A It &efnes /ho /e
are an& ho/ /e /%% respon&( Jo$ /%% a%/a+s an& 0)>J ha6e rea%
fee%n's /hen +o$ are /th a narcssst( It s +o$r %o6e #ap1 t s the
pro'ra##n' /thn +o$r ps+che( ,oes t nee& to contro% +o$r
!eha6o$rH )ot necessar%+( Nno/n' /hat +o$ are can at %east
'6e +o$ the opport$nt+ to forecast the effect of an acton !efore
+o$ ta"e t( <o1 %o6e%ess !%ac" an& /hte #a+ !e the 6er+ hea%thest
thn' for +o$ for the foreseea!%e f$t$re( I ten& to thn" of these
epso&es /th narcsssts as !en' c+c%c( Jo$ /%% %"e%+ nee& to c$t
%oose for a /h%e /hen +o$r ch%& s o%&er(
,0 )0T fee% asha#e& p%easeL <ho$%& a ph+sca%%+ han&cappe&
person fee% asha#e& of ther han&capH )o an& nether sho$%& /e(
The tro$!%e /th $s s that /e are foo%e& nto thn"n' that these
re%atonshps are A'$%t+ p%eas$resA( The+ fee% so 6er+ 'oo& for a
t#e !$t the+ are #ore a"n to a&&cton satsfacton rather than
!en' the Ar'ht #atchA or an Aapproprate re%atonshpA( I a# st%% 6er+
conf%cte& #+se%f a!o$t ths( I /rote a fe/ #onths a'o that t /as
%"e ha6n' a ca'e& 6er+ &an'ero$s an#a% ns&e of #e( =hen I
'et near narcsssts1 the an#a% s#e%%s ts o/n "n& an& t /ants
o$t( I 6er+ caref$%%+ A#cro5#ana'eA #+ %fe( Ths #eans that I &a%+
&o far%+ re'$%ar rea%t+ chec"s an& "eep a 6er+ t'ht re'n on #+
se%f an& #+ !eha6o$rs( I a# a%so o!sess6e5co#p$%s6e(4
4I fee% as tho$'h IA# constant%+ on an e#otona% ro%%er coaster( I
#a+ /a"e $p n a 'oo& #oo&1 !$t f #+ ) partner &oes or sa+s
so#ethn'1 /hch s h$rtf$% to #e1 #+ #oo& chan'es ##e&ate%+( I
no/ fee% sa&1 e#pt+1 afra&( A%% I /ant to &o at ths pont s an+thn'
that /%% #a"e h# sa+ so#ethn' )ICE to #e(
0nce he &oes1 IA# !ac" on top of the /or%&( Ths pattern of #oo&
chan'es1 or /hate6er +o$ #a+ ca%% the#1 can ta"e p%ace se6era%
t#es a &a+( Each an& e6er+ &a+( IA6e 'otten to the pont /here IA#
not s$re that I can tr$st #+se%f to fee% an+ one /a+1 !eca$se I "no/
that I ha6e no contro% o6er #+se%f( 3e has the contro%( ItAs scar+1 +et
IA6e sort of co#e to &epen& on h# &eter#nn' ho/ I a# 'on' to
fee%(4
4=hen I /as frst n6o%6e& /th #+ cere!ra% narcssst I /as %"e
ths !$t after a/h%e I C$st %earne& to !eco#e #ore e#otona%%+
&stant 7the $ps an& &o/ns /ere C$st too #$ch8 an& fn& e#otona%
'ratfcaton /th other peop%e1 #ost%+ 'r% fren&s an& one of t/o
#a%e fren&s( I #a"e a pont of sa+n' ? that the n6ert #$st !e or
!eco#e e#otona%%+ an& fnanca%%+ n&epen&ent 7f +o$ &onAt &o
ths he /%% eat +o$ $p an& /hen he has fnshe& /th +o$ an& +o$
are nothn' !$t a h$s"1 +o$ /%% !e e9pe%%e& fro# hs %fe n one !'
6o#t8( It s rea%%+ #portant for +o$ to start to ta"e respons!%t+ for
+o$r o/n e#otona% /e%%ness /tho$t re'ar& to ho/ he treats +o$(
:e#e#!er that the narcssst has the e#otona% #at$rt+ of a t/o5
+ear o%&L ,onAt e9pect #$ch n the /a+ of e#otona% &epth or
s$pport n +o$r re%atonshp . he s#p%+ s not capa!%e of an+thn'
that sophstcate&(4
)eturn
1)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON C MP
#*e SelAis* 2ene
#*e 2eneti( ;nder3innings oA Nar(issis<
Question: 3s %athological narcissis- the outco-e of inherited traits
/ or the sad result of a,usi*e and trau-atising u%,ringing> Or!
-a&,e it is the confluence of ,oth> 3t is a co--on occurrence!
after all! that! in the sa-e fa-il&! .ith the sa-e set of %arents and
an identical e-otional en*iron-ent / so-e si,lings gro. to ,e
-alignant narcissists! .hile others are %erfectl& Hnor-alH. 4urel&!
this indicates a %redis%osition of so-e %eo%le to de*elo%ing
narcissis-! a %art of one9s genetic heritage.
ns!er: This *igorous de,ate -a& ,e the offshoot of o,fuscating
se-antics.
5hen .e are ,orn! .e are not -uch -ore than the su- of our
genes and their -anifestations. Our ,rain / a %h&sical o,(ect / is
the residence of -ental health and its disorders. Mental illness
cannot ,e e@%lained .ithout resorting to the ,od& and! es%eciall&!
to the ,rain. And our ,rain cannot ,e conte-%lated .ithout
considering our genes. Thus! an& e@%lanation of our -ental life that
lea*es out our hereditar& -a+eu% and our neuro%h&siolog& is
lac+ing. 4uch lac+ing theories are nothing ,ut literar& narrati*es.
Ps&choanal&sis! for instance! is often accused of ,eing di*orced
fro- cor%oreal realit&.
Our genetic ,aggage -a+es us rese-,le a %ersonal co-%uter.
5e are an all7%ur%ose! uni*ersal! -achine. 4u,(ect to the right
%rogra--ing <conditioning! socialisation! education! u%,ringing= /
.e can turn out to ,e an&thing and e*er&thing. A co-%uter can
i-itate an& other +ind of discrete -achine! gi*en the right soft.are.
3t can %la& -usic! screen -o*ies! calculate! %rint! %aint. Co-%are
this to a tele*ision set / it is constructed and e@%ected to do one!
and onl& one! thing. 3t has a single %ur%ose and a unitar& function.
5e! hu-ans! are -ore li+e co-%uters than li+e tele*ision sets.
True! single genes rarel& account for an& ,eha*iour or trait. An
arra& of coordinated genes is required to e@%lain e*en the -inutest
hu-an %heno-enon. HDisco*eriesH of a Hga-,ling geneH here and
an Haggression geneH there are derided ,& the -ore serious and
less %u,licit&7%rone scholars. Get! it .ould see- that e*en co-%le@
,eha*iours such as ris+ ta+ing! rec+less dri*ing! and co-%ulsi*e
sho%%ing ha*e genetic under%innings.
5hat a,out the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder>
3t .ould see- reasona,le to assu-e / though! at this stage!
there is not a shred of %roof / that the narcissist is ,orn .ith a
%ro%ensit& to de*elo% narcissistic defences. These are triggered ,&
a,use or trau-a during the for-ati*e &ears in infanc& or during
earl& adolescence Isee 1AB PJ. :& Ha,useH 3 a- referring to a
s%ectru- of ,eha*iours .hich o,(ectifies the child and treats it as
an e@tension of the caregi*er <%arent= or an instru-ent. Dotting and
s-othering are as -uch a,use as ,eating and star*ing. And a,use
can ,e dished out ,& %eers as .ell as ,& adult role -odels.
4till! 3 .ould ha*e to attri,ute the de*elo%-ent of NPD -ostl& to
nurture. The Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder is an e@tre-el&
co-%le@ ,atter& of %heno-ena: ,eha*iour %atterns! cognitions!
e-otions! conditioning! and so on. NPD is a PE)4ONA'3TG
disordered and e*en the -ost ardent %ro%onents of the school of
genetics do not attri,ute the de*elo%-ent of the .hole %ersonalit&
to genes.
1ro- HThe 3nterru%ted 4elfH:
4A0r'ancA an& A#enta%A &sor&ers 7a &$!o$s &stncton at !est8
ha6e #an+ characterstcs n co##on 7confa!$%aton1 antsoca%
!eha6o$r1 e#otona% a!sence or f%atness1 n&fference1 ps+chotc
epso&es an& so on8(4
1ro- HOn Dis7easeH:
42oreo6er1 the &stncton !et/een the ps+chc an& the ph+sca%
s hot%+ &sp$te&1 ph%osophca%%+( The ps+choph+sca% pro!%e# s as
ntracta!%e to&a+ as t e6er /as 7f not #ore so8( It s !e+on& &o$!t
that the ph+sca% affects the #enta% an& the other /a+ aro$n&( Ths
s /hat &scp%nes %"e ps+chatr+ are a%% a!o$t( The a!%t+ to contro%
Aa$tono#o$sA !o&%+ f$nctons 7s$ch as heart!eat8 an& #enta%
reactons to patho'ens of the !ran are proof of the artfca%ness of
ths &stncton(
It s a res$%t of the re&$ctonst 6e/ of nat$re as &6s!%e an&
s$##a!%e( The s$# of the parts1 a%as1 s not a%/a+s the /ho%e an&
there s no s$ch thn' as an nfnte set of the r$%es of nat$re1 on%+
an as+#ptotc appro9#aton of t( The &stncton !et/een the
patent an& the o$ts&e /or%& s s$perf%$o$s an& /ron'( The patent
A), hs en6ron#ent are 0)E an& the sa#e( ,sease s a
pert$r!aton n the operaton an& #ana'e#ent of the co#p%e9
ecos+ste# "no/n as patent5/or%&( 3$#ans a!sor! ther
en6ron#ent an& fee& t n e-$a% #eas$res( Ths on5'on'
nteracton I< the patent( =e cannot e9st /tho$t the nta"e of
/ater1 ar1 6s$a% st#$% an& foo&( 0$r en6ron#ent s &efne& !+
o$r actons an& o$tp$t1 ph+sca% an& #enta%(
Th$s1 one #$st -$eston the c%assca% &fferentaton !et/een
Anterna%A an& Ae9terna%A( <o#e %%nesses are cons&ere& Aen&o'encA
7P'enerate& fro# the ns&e8( )at$ra%1 Anterna%A1 ca$ses . a heart
&efect1 a !oche#ca% #!a%ance1 a 'enetc #$taton1 a #eta!o%c
process 'one a/r+ . ca$se &sease( A'n' an& &efor#tes a%so
!e%on' n ths cate'or+(
In contrast1 pro!%e#s of n$rt$rance an& en6ron#ent . ear%+
ch%&hoo& a!$se1 for nstance1 or #a%n$trton . are Ae9terna%A an&
so are the Ac%assca%A patho'ens 7'er#s an& 6r$ses8 an& acc&ents(
;$t ths1 a'an1 s a co$nter5pro&$ct6e approach( E9o'enc an&
En&o'enc patho'eness s nsepara!%e( 2enta% states ncrease or
&ecrease the s$scept!%t+ to e9terna%%+ n&$ce& &sease( Ta%"
therap+ or a!$se 7e9terna% e6ents8 a%ter the !oche#ca% !a%ance of
the !ran(
The ns&e constant%+ nteracts /th the o$ts&e an& s so
ntert/ne& /th t that a%% &stnctons !et/een the# are artfca%
an& #s%ea&n'( The !est e9a#p%e s1 of co$rse1 #e&caton: t s an
e9terna% a'ent1 t nf%$ences nterna% processes an& t has a 6er+
stron' #enta% corre%ate 7Pts effcac+ s nf%$ence& !+ #enta% factors
as n the p%ace!o effect8(
The 6er+ nat$re of &+sf$ncton an& sc"ness s h'h%+ c$%t$re5
&epen&ent(
<oceta% para#eters &ctate r'ht an& /ron' n hea%th 7especa%%+
#enta% hea%th8( It s a%% a #atter of statstcs( Certan &seases are
accepte& n certan parts of the /or%& as a fact of %fe or e6en a s'n
of &stncton 7e('(1 the parano& schDophrenc as chosen !+ the
'o&s8( If there s no &s5ease there s no &sease( That the ph+sca%
or #enta% state of a person CA) !e &fferent . &oes not #p%+ that t
2I<T !e &fferent or e6en that t s &esra!%e that t sho$%& !e
&fferent( In an o6er5pop$%ate& /or%&1 ster%t+ #'ht !e the &esra!%e
thn' . or e6en the occasona% ep&e#c( There s no s$ch thn' as
A;<0>ITE &+sf$ncton( The !o&+ an& the #n& A>=AJ< f$ncton(
The+ a&apt the#se%6es to ther en6ron#ent an& f the %atter
chan'es . the+ chan'e(
*ersona%t+ &sor&ers are the !est poss!%e responses to a!$se(
Cancer #a+ !e the !est poss!%e response to carcno'ens( A'n'
an& &eath are &efnte%+ the !est poss!%e response to o6er5
pop$%aton( *erhaps the pont of 6e/ of the sn'%e patent s
nco##ens$rate /th the pont of 6e/ of hs speces . !$t ths
sho$%& not ser6e to o!sc$re the ss$es an& &era% ratona% &e!ate(
As a res$%t1 t s %o'ca% to ntro&$ce the noton of Apost6e
a!erratonA( Certan h+per5 or h+po5 f$nctonn' can +e%& post6e
res$%ts an& pro6e to !e a&apt6e( The &fference !et/een post6e
an& ne'at6e a!erratons can ne6er !e Ao!Cect6eA( )at$re s
#ora%%+5ne$tra% an& e#!o&es no A6a%$esA or ApreferencesA( It s#p%+
e9sts( =E1 h$#ans1 ntro&$ce o$r 6a%$e s+ste#s1 preC$&ces an&
prortes nto o$r act6tes1 scence nc%$&e&( It s !etter to !e
hea%th+1 /e sa+1 !eca$se /e fee% !etter /hen /e are hea%th+(
Crc$%art+ as&e . ths s the on%+ crteron that /e can reasona!%+
e#p%o+( If the patent fee%s 'oo& . t s not a &sease1 e6en f /e a%%
thn" t s( If the patent fee%s !a&1 e'o5&+stonc1 $na!%e to f$ncton .
t s a &sease1 e6en /hen /e a%% thn" t snAt( )ee&%ess to sa+ that I
a# referrn' to that #+thca% creat$re1 the f$%%+ nfor#e& patent( If
so#eone s sc" an& "no/s no !etter 7has ne6er !een hea%th+8 .
then hs &ecson sho$%& !e respecte& on%+ after he s '6en the
chance to e9perence hea%th(
A%% the atte#pts to ntro&$ce Ao!Cect6eA +ar&stc"s of hea%th are
p%a'$e& an& ph%osophca%%+ conta#nate& !+ the nserton of
6a%$es1 preferences an& prortes nto the for#$%a . or !+
s$!Cectn' the for#$%a to the# a%to'ether( 0ne s$ch atte#pt s to
&efne hea%th as Aan ncrease n or&er or effcenc+ of processesA as
contraste& /th %%ness /hch s Aa &ecrease n or&er 7Pncrease of
entrop+8 an& n the effcenc+ of processesA( =h%e !en' fact$a%%+
&sp$ta!%e1 ths &+a& a%so s$ffers fro# a seres of #p%ct 6a%$e5
C$&'e#ents( For nstance1 /h+ sho$%& /e prefer %fe o6er &eathH
0r&er to entrop+H Effcenc+ to neffcenc+H4
Frst p$!%she& on the <$te 101 )arcssstc *ersona%t+ ,sor&ers Topc(
)eturn
1)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON C QP
#*e 6ea3on oA Lang'age
Question: M& .ife .as diagnosed as a narcissist. 4he t.ists
e*er&thing and turns it against -e. 4he distorts e*er&thing 3 e*er
said! ignores the conte@t! and e*en in*ent her o.n endings. 3t is
i-%ossi,le to ha*e a -eaningful con*ersation .ith her ,ecause she
.on9t co--it to an&thing she sa&s.
ns!er: 3n the narcissist9s surrealistic .orld! e*en language is
%athologised. 3t -utates into a .ea%on of self7defence! a *er,al
fortification! a -ediu- .ithout a -essage! re%lacing .ords .ith
du%licitous and a-,iguous *oca,les.
Narcissists <and! often! ,& contagion! their unfortunate *icti-s=
don9t tal+! or co--unicate. The& fend off. The& hide and e*ade and
a*oid and disguise. 3n their %lanet of ca%ricious and ar,itrar&
un%redicta,ilit&! of shifting se-iotic and se-antic dunes / the&
%erfect the a,ilit& to sa& nothing in length&! Castro7li+e s%eeches.
The ensuing con*oluted sentences are ara,esques of
-eaninglessness! acro,atics of e*asion! lac+ of co--it-ent
ele*ated to an ideolog&. The narcissist %refers to .ait and see and
see .hat .aiting ,rings. 3t is the %ost%one-ent of the ine*ita,le that
leads to the ine*ita,ilit& of %ost%one-ent as a strateg& of sur*i*al.
3t is often i-%ossi,le to reall& understand a narcissist. The
e*asi*e s&nta@ fast deteriorates into e*er -ore la,&rinthine
structures. The gra--ar tortured to %roduce the *er,al Do%%ler
shifts essential to disguise the source of the infor-ation! its
distance fro- realit&! the s%eed of its degeneration into rigid
HofficialH *ersions.
:uried under the lush flora and fauna of idio-s .ithout an end!
the language eru%ts! li+e so-e e@otic rash! an autoi--une reaction
to its infection and conta-ination. 'i+e *ile .eeds it s%read
throughout! strangling .ith a,sent -inded %ersistence the a,ilit& to
understand! to feel! to agree! to disagree and to de,ate! to %resent
argu-ents! to co-%are notes! to learn and to teach.
Narcissists! therefore! ne*er tal+ to others / rather! the& tal+ at
others! or lecture the-. The& e@change su,te@ts! ca-ouflage7
.ra%%ed ,& ela,orate! florid! te@ts. The& read ,et.een the lines!
s%a.ning a -ultitude of %ri*ate languages! %re(udices!
su%erstitions! cons%irac& theories! ru-ours! %ho,ias and h&sterias.
Theirs is a soli%sistic .orld / .here co--unication is %er-itted
onl& .ith oneself and the ai- of language is to thro. others off the
scent or to o,tain Narcissistic 4u%%l&.
This has %rofound i-%lications. Co--unication through
unequi*ocal! una-,iguous! infor-ation7rich s&-,ol s&ste-s is
such an integral and crucial %art of our .orld / that its a,sence is
not %ostulated e*en in the re-otest gala@ies .hich grace the s+ies
of science fiction. 3n this sense! narcissists are nothing short of
aliens. 3t is not that the& e-%lo& a different language! a code to ,e
deci%hered ,& a ne. 1reud. 3t is also not the outco-e of u%,ringing
or socio7cultural ,ac+ground.
3t is the fact that language is %ut ,& narcissists to a different use /
not to co--unicate ,ut to o,scure! not to share ,ut to a,stain! not
to learn ,ut to defend and resist! not to teach ,ut to %reser*e e*er
less tena,le -ono%olies! to disagree .ithout incurring .rath! to
criticise .ithout co--it-ent! to agree .ithout a%%earing to do so.
Thus! an Hagree-entH .ith a narcissist is a *ague e@%ression of
intent at a gi*en -o-ent / rather than the clear listing of long7ter-!
iron7cast and -utual co--it-ents.
The rules that go*ern the narcissist9s uni*erse are loo%holed
inco-%rehensi,les! o%en to an e@egesis so .ide and so self7
contradictor& that it renders the- -eaningless. The narcissist often
hangs hi-self ,& his o.n *er,ose ?ordic +nots! ha*ing stu-,led
through a -inefield of logical fallacies and endured self7inflicted
inconsistencies. ;nfinished sentences ho*er in the air! li+e *a%our
a,o*e a se-antic s.a-%.
3n the case of the in*erted narcissist! .ho .as su%%ressed and
a,used ,& o*er,earing caregi*ers! there is the strong urge not to
offend. 3nti-ac& and inter7de%endence are great. Parental or %eer
%ressures are irresisti,le and result in confor-it& and self7
de%recation. Aggressi*e tendencies! strongl& re%ressed in the
social %ressure coo+er! tee- under the *eneer of forced ci*ilit& and
*iolent %oliteness. Constructi*e a-,iguit&! a non7co--ittal
He*er&one is good and rightH! an ata*istic *ariant of -oral relati*is-
and tolerance ,red of fear and of conte-%t / are all at the ser*ice
of this eternal *igilance against aggressi*e dri*es! at the dis%osal of
a ne*er ending %eace+ee%ing -ission.
5ith the classic narcissist! language is used cruell& and
ruthlessl& to ensnare one9s ene-ies! to sa. confusion and %anic! to
-o*e others to e-ulate the narcissist <Pro(ecti*e 3dentification=! to
lea*e the listeners in dou,t! in hesitation! in %aral&sis! to gain
control! or to %unish. 'anguage is ensla*ed and forced to lie. The
language is a%%ro%riated and e@%ro%riated. 3t is considered to ,e a
.ea%on! an asset! a %iece of lethal %ro%ert&! a traitorous -istress to
,e gang ra%ed into su,-ission.
5ith cere,ral narcissists! language is a lo*er. The infatuation .ith
its *er& sound leads to a %&rotechnic t&%e of s%eech .hich
sacrifices its -eaning to its -usic. 3ts s%ea+ers %a& -ore attention
to the co-%osition than to the content. The& are s.e%t ,& it!
into@icated ,& its %erfection! ine,riated ,& the s%iralling co-%le@it&
of its for-s. Here! language is an infla--ator& %rocess. 3t attac+s
the *er& tissues of the narcissist9s relationshi%s .ith artistic
fierceness. 3t in*ades the health& cells of reason and logic! of cool
headed argu-entation and le*el headed de,ate.
'anguage is a leading indicator of the %s&chological and
institutional health of social units! such as the fa-il&! or the
.or+%lace. 4ocial ca%ital can often ,e -easured in cogniti*e
<hence! *er,al7lingual= ter-s. To -onitor the le*el of
co-%rehensi,ilit& and lucidit& of te@ts is to stud& the degree of
sanit& of fa-il& -e-,ers! co7.or+ers! friends! s%ouses! -ates! and
colleagues. There can e@ist no hale societ& .ithout una-,iguous
s%eech! .ithout clear co--unications! .ithout the traffic of idio-s
and content that is an inse%ara,le %art of e*er& social contract. Our
language deter-ines ho. .e %ercei*e our .orld. 3t 34 our -ind and
our consciousness. The narcissist! in this res%ect! is a great social
-enace.
Frst p$!%she& on the <$te 101 )arcssstc *ersona%t+ ,sor&ers Topc(
)eturn
1)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON C E"
!olle(tive Nar(issis<
Nar(issis<8 !'lt're and So(iet-
Question: 3 ,elie*e that <ethnic grou% deleted= are all narcissists.
Can it ,e that a grou% of %eo%le are all narcissists or a- 3 &our
a*erage ,igot and racist>
ns!er: 3n their ,oo+ HPersonalit& Disorders in Modern 'ifeH!
Theodore Millon and )oger Da*is state! as a -atter of fact! that
%athological narcissis- .as the %reser*e of Hthe ro&al and the
.ealth&H and that it Hsee-s to ha*e gained %ro-inence onl& in the
late t.entieth centur&H. Narcissis-! according to the-! -a& ,e
associated .ith Hhigher le*els of Maslo.9s hierarch& of needs S
3ndi*iduals in less ad*antaged nations S are too ,us& tr&ing <to
sur*i*e= S to ,e arrogant and grandioseH.
The& / li+e 'asch ,efore the- / attri,ute %athological narcissis-
to Ha societ& that stresses indi*idualis- and self7gratification at the
e@%ense of co--unit&! na-el& the ;nited 4tatesH. The& assert that
the disorder is -ore %re*alent a-ong certain %rofessions .ith Hstar
%o.erH or res%ect. H3n an indi*idualistic culture! the narcissist is
9?od9s gift to the .orld9. 3n a collecti*ist societ&! the narcissist is
9?od9s gift to the collecti*e9.H
Millon quotes 5arren and Ca%oni9s HThe )ole of Culture in the
De*elo%-ent of Narcissistic Personalit& Disorders in A-erica!
2a%an and Den-ar+H:
4In&6&$a%stc narcssstc str$ct$res of se%f5re'ar& 7n
n&6&$a%stc socetes8 ? are rather se%f5contane& an&
n&epen&ent ? 7In co%%ect6st c$%t$res8 narcssstc conf'$ratons
of the /e5se%f ? &enote se%f5estee# &er6e& fro# stron'
&entfcaton /th the rep$taton an& hono$r of the fa#%+1 'ro$ps1
an& others n herarchca% re%atonshps(4
Ha*ing li*ed in the last "# &ears 1" countries in P continents /
fro- the i-%o*erished to the affluent! .ith indi*idualistic and
collecti*ist societies / 3 +no. that Millon and Da*is are .rong.
Theirs is! indeed! the quintessential A-erican %oint of *ie. .hich
lac+s an inti-ate +no.ledge of other %arts of the .orld. Millon e*en
.rongl& clai-s that the D4M9s international equi*alent! the 3CD!
does not include the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder <it does=.
Pathological narcissis- is a u,iquitous %heno-enon ,ecause
e*er& hu-an ,eing / regardless of the nature of his societ& and
culture / de*elo%s health& narcissis- earl& in life. Health&
narcissis- is rendered %athological ,& a,use / and a,use! alas! is
a uni*ersal hu-an ,eha*iour. :& Ha,useH .e -ean an& refusal to
ac+no.ledge the e-erging ,oundaries of the indi*idual /
s-othering! doting! and e@cessi*e e@%ectations / are as a,usi*e as
,eating and incest.
There are -alignant narcissists a-ong su,sistence far-ers in
Africa! no-ads in the 4inai desert! da& la,ourers in East Euro%e!
and intellectuals and socialites in Manhattan. Malignant narcissis-
is all7%er*asi*e and inde%endent of culture and societ&.
3t is true! though! that the 5AG %athological narcissis- -anifests
and is e@%erienced is de%endent on the %articulars of societies and
cultures. 3n so-e cultures! it is encouraged! in others su%%ressed.
3n so-e societies it is channelled against -inorities / in others it is
tainted .ith %aranoia. 3n collecti*ist societies! it -a& ,e %ro(ected
onto the collecti*e! in indi*idualistic societies! it is an indi*idual9s
trait.
Get! can fa-ilies! organisations! ethnic grou%s! churches! and
e*en .hole nations ,e safel& descri,ed as HnarcissisticH or
H%athologicall& self7a,sor,edH> 5ouldn9t such generalisations ,e a
trifle racist and -ore than a trifle .rong> The ans.er is: it de%ends.
Hu-an collecti*es / states! fir-s! households! institutions!
%olitical %arties! cliques! ,ands / acquire a life and a character all
their o.n. The longer the association or affiliation of the -e-,ers!
the -ore cohesi*e and confor-ist the inner d&na-ics of the grou%!
the -ore %ersecutor& or nu-erous its ene-ies! the -ore intensi*e
the %h&sical and e-otional e@%eriences of the indi*iduals it is
co-%rised of! the stronger the ,onds of locale! language! and
histor& / the -ore rigorous -ight an assertion of a co--on
%atholog& ,e.
4uch an all7%er*asi*e and e@tensi*e %atholog& -anifests itself in
the ,eha*iour of each and e*er& -e-,er. 3t is a defining / though
often i-%licit or underl&ing / -ental structure. 3t has e@%lanator&
and %redicti*e %o.ers. 3t is recurrent and in*aria,le / a %attern of
conduct -elded .ith distorted cognition and stunted e-otions. And
it is often *ehe-entl& denied.
A %ossi,le D4M7li+e list of criteria for narcissistic organisations or
grou%s:
An all7%er*asi*e %attern of grandiosit& <in fantas& or ,eha*iour=!
need for ad-iration or adulation and lac+ of e-%ath&! usuall&
,eginning at the grou%9s earl& histor& and %resent in *arious
conte@ts. Persecution and a,use are often the causes / or at least
the antecedents / of the %atholog&.
1i*e <or -ore= of the follo.ing criteria -ust ,e -et:
K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as
such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the
grou% / feel grandiose and self7i-%ortant <e.g.! the& e@aggerate
the grou%9s achie*e-ents and talents to the %oint of l&ing!
de-and to ,e recognised as su%erior / si-%l& for ,elonging to
the grou% and .ithout co--ensurate achie*e-ent=.
K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as
such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the
grou% / are o,sessed .ith grou% fantasies of unli-ited
success! fa-e! fearso-e %o.er or o-ni%otence! unequalled
,rilliance! ,odil& ,eaut& or %erfor-ance! or ideal! e*erlasting!
all7conquering ideals or %olitical theories.
K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as
such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the
grou% / are fir-l& con*inced that the grou% is unique and! ,eing
s%ecial! can onl& ,e understood ,&! should onl& ,e treated ,&!
or associate .ith! other s%ecial or unique! or high7status grou%s
<or institutions=.
K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as
such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the
grou% / require e@cessi*e ad-iration! adulation! attention and
affir-ation / or! failing that! .ish to ,e feared and to ,e
notorious <Narcissistic 4u%%l&=.
K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as
such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the
grou% / feel entitled. The& e@%ect unreasona,le or s%ecial and
fa*oura,le %riorit& treat-ent. The& de-and auto-atic and full
co-%liance .ith e@%ectations. The& rarel& acce%t res%onsi,ilit&
for their actions <Hallo%lastic defencesH=. This often leads to anti7
social ,eha*iour! co*er7u%s! and cri-inal acti*ities on a -ass
scale.
K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as
such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the
grou% / are Hinter%ersonall& e@%loitati*eH! i.e.! use others to
achie*e their o.n ends. This often leads to anti7social
,eha*iour! co*er7u%s! and cri-inal acti*ities on a -ass scale.
K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as
such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the
grou% / are de*oid of e-%ath&. The& are una,le or un.illing to
identif& .ith or ac+no.ledge the feelings and needs of other
grou%s. This often leads to anti7social ,eha*iour! co*er7u%s!
and cri-inal acti*ities on a -ass scale.
K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as
such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the
grou% / are constantl& en*ious of others or ,elie*es that the&
feel the sa-e a,out the-. This often leads to anti7social
,eha*iour! co*er7u%s! and cri-inal acti*ities on a -ass scale.
K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as
such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the
grou% / are arrogant and s%ort haught& ,eha*iours or attitudes
cou%led .ith rage .hen frustrated! contradicted! %unished!
li-ited! or confronted. This often leads to anti7social ,eha*iour!
co*er7u%s! and cri-inal acti*ities on a -ass scale.
)eturn
1)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON C "
#*e S3o'seE9ateEPartner oA t*e Nar(issist
Question: 5hat +ind of a s%ouse6-ate6%artner is li+el& to ,e
attracted to a narcissist>
ns!er:
#*e =i(ti<s
On the face of it! there is no <e-otional= %artner or -ate! .ho
t&%icall& H,indsH .ith a narcissist. The& co-e in all sha%es and
siAes. The initial %hases of attraction! infatuation and falling in lo*e
are %rett& nor-al. The narcissist %uts on his ,est face / the other
%art& is ,linded ,& ,udding lo*e. A natural selection %rocess occurs
onl& -uch later! as the relationshi% de*elo%s and is %ut to the test.
'i*ing .ith a narcissist can ,e e@hilarating! is al.a&s onerous!
often harro.ing. 4ur*i*ing a relationshi% .ith a narcissist indicates!
therefore! the %ara-eters of the %ersonalit& of the sur*i*or. 4he <or!
-ore rarel&! he= is -oulded ,& the relationshi% into The T&%ical
Narcissistic Mate6Partner64%ouse.
1irst and fore-ost! the narcissist9s %artner -ust ha*e a deficient
or a distorted gras% of her self and of realit&. Other.ise! she <or he=
is ,ound to a,andon the narcissist9s shi% earl& on. The cogniti*e
distortion is li+el& to consist of ,elittling and de-eaning herself /
.hile aggrandising and adoring the narcissist. The %artner is! thus!
%lacing hi-self in the %osition of the eternal *icti-: undeser*ing!
%unisha,le! a sca%egoat. 4o-eti-es! it is *er& i-%ortant to the
%artner to a%%ear -oral! sacrificial and *icti-ised. At other ti-es!
she is not e*en a.are of this %redica-ent. The narcissist is
%ercei*ed ,& the %artner to ,e a %erson in the %osition to de-and
these sacrifices fro- her %artner! ,eing su%erior in -an& .a&s
<intellectuall&! e-otionall&! -orall&! financiall&=.
The status of %rofessional *icti- sits .ell .ith the %artner9s
tendenc& to %unish herself! na-el&: .ith her -asochistic strea+.
The tor-ented life .ith the narcissist is! as far as the %artner is
a.are! a (ust %uniti*e -easure.
3n this res%ect! the %artner is the -irror i-age of the narcissist.
:& -aintaining a s&-,iotic relationshi% .ith hi-! ,& ,eing totall&
de%endent u%on the source of -asochistic su%%l& <.hich the
narcissist -ost relia,l& constitutes and -ost a-%l& %ro*ides= / the
%artner enhances certain traits and encourages certain ,eha*iours!
.hich are at the *er& core of narcissis-.
The narcissist is ne*er .hole .ithout an adoring! su,-issi*e!
a*aila,le! self7denigrating %artner. His *er& sense of su%eriorit&!
indeed his 1alse 4elf! de%ends on it. His sadistic 4u%erego
s.itches its attentions fro- the narcissist <in .ho- it often
%ro*o+es suicidal ideation= to the %artner! thus finall& o,taining an
alternati*e source of sadistic satisfaction.
3t is through self7denial that the %artner sur*i*es. 4he denies her
.ishes! ho%es! drea-s! as%irations! se@ual! %s&chological and
-aterial needs! and -uch else ,esides. 4he %ercei*es her needs
as threatening ,ecause the& -ight engender the .rath of the
narcissist9s ?od7li+e su%re-e figure. The narcissist is rendered in
her e&es e*en -ore su%erior through and ,ecause of this self7
denial. 4elf7denial underta+en to facilitate and ease the life of a
Hgreat -anH is -ore %alata,le. The HgreaterH the -an <Othe
narcissist=! the easier it is for the %artner to ignore her o.n self! to
d.indle! to degenerate! to turn into an a%%endi@ of the narcissist
and! finall&! to ,eco-e nothing ,ut an e@tension! to -erge .ith the
narcissist to the %oint of o,li*ion and of di- -e-ories of one9s self.
The t.o colla,orate in this -aca,re dance. The narcissist is
for-ed ,& his %artner inas-uch as he for-s her. 4u,-ission
,reeds su%eriorit& and -asochis- ,reeds sadis-. The
relationshi%s are characterised ,& ra-%ant e-ergentis-: roles are
allocated al-ost fro- the start and an& de*iation -eets .ith an
aggressi*e! e*en *iolent reaction.
The %redo-inant state of the %artner9s -ind is utter confusion.
E*en the -ost ,asic relationshi%s / .ith hus,and! children! or
%arents / re-ain ,afflingl& o,scured ,& the giant shado. cast ,&
the intensi*e interaction .ith the narcissist. A sus%ension of
(udge-ent is %art and %arcel of a sus%ension of indi*idualit&! .hich
is ,oth a %rerequisite to and the result of li*ing .ith a narcissist. The
%artner no longer +no.s .hat is true and right and .hat is .rong
and for,idden.
The narcissist recreates for the %artner the sort of e-otional
a-,ience that led to his o.n for-ation in the first %lace:
ca%riciousness! fic+leness! ar,itrariness! e-otional <and %h&sical or
se@ual= a,andon-ent. The .orld ,eco-es uncertain and
frightening and the %artner has onl& one thing to cling to: the
narcissist.
And cling she does. 3f there is an&thing .hich can safel& ,e said
a,out those .ho e-otionall& tea- u% .ith narcissists! it is that the&
are o*ertl& and o*erl& de%endent.
The %artner doesn9t +no. .hat to do / and this is onl& too natural
in the -a&he- that is the relationshi% .ith the narcissist. :ut the
t&%ical %artner also does not +no. .hat she .ants and! to a large
e@tent! .ho she is and .hat she .ants to ,eco-e.
These unans.ered questions ha-%er the %artner9s a,ilit& to
gauge realit&! e*aluate and a%%raise it for .hat it is. Her %ri-ordial
sin is that she fell in lo*e .ith an i-age! not .ith a real %erson. 3t is
the *oiding of the i-age that is -ourned .hen the relationshi%
ends.
The ,rea+7u% of a relationshi% .ith a narcissist is! therefore! *er&
e-otionall& charged. 3t is the cul-ination of a long chain of
hu-iliations and of su,(ugation. 3t is the re,ellion of the functioning
and health& %arts of the %artner9s %ersonalit& against the t&rann& of
the narcissist.
The %artner is lia,le to ha*e totall& -isread and -isinter%reted
the .hole interaction <3 hesitate to call it a relationshi%=. This lac+ of
%ro%er interface .ith realit& -ight ,e <erroneousl&= la,elled
H%athologicalH.
5h& is it that the %artner see+s to %rolong her %ain> 5hat is the
source and %ur%ose of this -asochistic strea+> ;%on the ,rea+7u%
of the relationshi%! the %artner <and the narcissist= engage in a
tortuous and dra.n out %ost -orte-. :ut the question .ho reall&
did .hat to .ho- <and e*en .h&= is irrele*ant. 5hat is rele*ant is
to sto% -ourning oneself <this is .hat the %arties are reall&
-ourning=! start s-iling again and lo*e in a less su,ser*ient!
ho%eless! and %ain7inflicting -anner.
#*e 0,'se
A,use is an integral! inse%ara,le %art of the Narcissistic Personalit&
Disorder.
The narcissist idealises and then DE8A';E4 and discards the
o,(ect of his initial idealisation. This a,ru%t! heartless de*aluation 34
a,use. A'' narcissists idealise and then de*alue. This is THE core
of narcissistic ,eha*iour. The narcissist e@%loits! lies! insults!
de-eans! ignores <the Hsilent treat-entH=! -ani%ulates! controls. All
these are for-s of a,use.
There are -an& .a&s to a,use. To lo*e too -uch is to a,use. 3t
is tanta-ount to treating so-eone as an e@tension! an o,(ect! or an
instru-ent of gratification. To ,e o*er7%rotecti*e! not to res%ect
%ri*ac&! to ,e ,rutall& honest! .ith a sadistic sense of hu-our! or
consistentl& tactless / is to a,use.
To e@%ect too -uch! to denigrate! to ignore / are all -odes of
a,use. There is %h&sical a,use! *er,al a,use! %s&chological a,use!
se@ual a,use. The list is long.
Most narcissists a,use surre%titiousl&. The& are Hstealth
a,usersH. Gou ha*e to actuall& li*e .ith one in order to .itness the
a,use.
There are three i-%ortant categories of a,use:
1( 06ert A!$se / The o%en and e@%licit a,use of another %erson.
Threatening! coercing! ,eating! l&ing! ,erating! de-eaning!
chastising! insulting! hu-iliating! e@%loiting! ignoring <Hsilent
treat-entH=! de*aluing! uncere-oniousl& discarding! *er,al
a,use! %h&sical a,use and se@ual a,use are all for-s of o*ert
a,use.
2( Co6ert or Contro%%n' A!$se / Narcissis- is al-ost entirel&
a,out control. 3t is often a %ri-iti*e and i--ature reaction to
life circu-stances in .hich the narcissist <usuall& in his
childhood= .as rendered hel%less. 3t is a,out re7e@erting one9s
identit&! re7esta,lishing %redicta,ilit&! -astering the
en*iron-ent / hu-an and %h&sical.
$. The ,ul+ of narcissistic ,eha*iours can ,e traced to this
%anic+& reaction to the re-ote %otential for loss of control.
Narcissists are h&%ochondriacs <and difficult %atients= ,ecause
the& are afraid to lose control o*er their ,od&! its loo+s and its
%ro%er functioning. The& are o,sessi*e7co-%ulsi*e in an effort
to su,due their %h&sical ha,itat and render it foreseea,le.
The& stal+ %eo%le and harass the- as a -eans of H,eing in
touchH / another for- of control.
:ut .h& the %anic>
The narcissist is a soli%sist. To the a,user! nothing e@ists outside
hi-self. Meaningful others are e@tensions! internal! assi-ilated!
o,(ects / not e@ternal ones. Thus! losing control o*er a significant
other / is equi*alent to losing control of a li-,! or of one9s ,rain. 3t
is terrif&ing.
3nde%endent or diso,edient %eo%le e*o+e in the narcissist the
realisation that so-ething is .rong .ith his .orld*ie.! that he is not
the centre of the .orld or its cause and that he cannot control .hat!
to hi-! are internal re%resentations.
To the narcissist! losing control -eans going insane. :ecause
other %eo%le are -ere ele-ents in the narcissist9s -ind / ,eing
una,le to -ani%ulate the- literall& -eans losing it <his -ind=.
3-agine! if &ou suddenl& .ere to find out that &ou cannot
-ani%ulate &our -e-ories or control &our thoughtsS Night-arishU
Moreo*er! it is often onl& through -ani%ulation and e@tortion that
the narcissist can secure his Narcissistic 4u%%l&. Controlling his
4ources of Narcissistic 4u%%l& is a <-ental= life or death question
for the narcissist. The narcissist is a drug addict <his drug ,eing the
N4= and he .ould go to an& length to o,tain the ne@t dose.
3n his frantic efforts to -aintain control or re7assert it! the
narcissist resorts to a -&riad of fiendishl& in*enti*e stratage-s and
-echanis-s. Here is a %artial list:
/n$redicta%ility and /ncertainty
The narcissist acts un%redicta,l&! ca%riciousl&! inconsistentl& and
irrationall&. This ser*es to render others de%endent u%on the ne@t
t.ist and turn of the a,user! his ne@t ine@%lica,le .hi-! u%on his
ne@t out,urst! denial! or s-ile.
The narcissist -a+es sure that HE is the onl& relia,le ele-ent in
the li*es of his nearest and dearest / ,& shattering the rest of their
.orld through his see-ingl& insane ,eha*iour. He %er%etuates his
sta,le %resence in their li*es / ,& desta,ilising their o.n.
3n the a,sence of a self! there are no li+es or disli+es!
%references! %redicta,le ,eha*iour or characteristics. 3t is not
%ossi,le to +no. the narcissist. There is no one there.
The narcissist .as conditioned / fro- an earl& age of a,use and
trau-a / to e@%ect the une@%ected. His .as a .orld in .hich
<so-eti-es sadistic= ca%ricious careta+ers and %eers often
,eha*ed ar,itraril&. He .as trained to den& his True 4elf and
nurture a 1alse one.
Ha*ing in*ented hi-self! the narcissist sees no %ro,le- in re7
in*enting that .hich he designed in the first %lace. The narcissist is
his o.n creator.
Hence his grandiosit&.
Moreo*er! the narcissist is a -an for all seasons! fore*er
ada%ta,le! constantl& i-itating and e-ulating! a hu-an s%onge! a
%erfect -irror! a cha-eleon! a non7entit& that is! at the sa-e ti-e!
all entities co-,ined. The narcissist is ,est descri,ed ,&
Heidegger9s %hrase: H:eing and NothingnessH. 3nto this reflecti*e
*acuu-! this suc+ing ,lac+ hole! the narcissist attracts the 4ources
of his Narcissistic 4u%%l&.
To an o,ser*er! the narcissist a%%ears to ,e fractured or
discontinuous.
Pathological narcissis- has ,een co-%ared to the Dissociati*e
3dentit& Disorder <for-erl& the Multi%le Personalit& Disorder=. :&
definition! the narcissist has at least t.o sel*es! the True and 1alse
ones. His %ersonalit& is *er& %ri-iti*e and disorganised. 'i*ing .ith
a narcissist is a nauseating e@%erience not onl& ,ecause of .hat he
is / ,ut ,ecause of .hat he is NOT. He is not a full& for-ed hu-an
/ ,ut a diAA&ingl& +aleidosco%ic galler& of e%he-eral i-ages! .hich
-elt into each other sea-lessl&. 3t is incredi,l& disorienting.
3t is also e@ceedingl& %ro,le-atic. Pro-ises -ade ,& the
narcissist are easil& diso.ned ,& hi-. His %lans are transient. His
e-otional ties / a si-ulacru-. Most narcissists ha*e one island of
sta,ilit& in their life <s%ouse! fa-il&! their career! a ho,,&! their
religion! countr&! or idol= / %ounded ,& the tur,ulent currents of a
dishe*elled e@istence.
The narcissist does not +ee% agree-ents! does not adhere to
la.s! regards consistenc& and %redicta,ilit& as de-eaning traits.
Thus! to in*est in a narcissist is a %ur%oseless! futile and
-eaningless acti*it&. To the narcissist! e*er& da& is a ne.
,eginning! a hunt! a ne. c&cle of idealisation or de*aluation! a
ne.l& in*ented self. There is no accu-ulation of credits or good.ill
,ecause the narcissist has no %ast and no future. He occu%ies an
eternal and ti-eless %resent. He is a fossil caught in the froAen
ashes of a *olcanic childhood.
5hat to do>
)efuse to acce%t such ,eha*iour. De-and reasona,l&
%redicta,le and rational actions and reactions. 3nsist on res%ect for
&our ,oundaries! %redilections! %references! and %riorities.
Dis$ro$ortional Reactions
One of the fa*ourite tools of -ani%ulation in the narcissist9s arsenal
is the dis%ro%ortionalit& of his reactions. He reacts .ith su%re-e
rage to the slightest slight. Or! he .ould %unish se*erel& for .hat he
%ercei*es to ,e an offence against hi-! no -atter ho. -inor. Or!
he .ould thro. a te-%er tantru- o*er an& discord or disagree-ent!
ho.e*er gentl& and consideratel& e@%ressed. Or! he .ould act
inordinatel& attenti*e! char-ing and te-%ting <e*en o*er7se@ed! if
need ,e=.
This e*er7shifting code of conduct and the unusuall& harsh and
ar,itraril& a%%lied %enalties are %re-editated. The *icti-s are +e%t
in the dar+. Neediness and de%endence on the source of H(usticeH
-eted and (udge-ent %assed / on the narcissist / are thus
guaranteed.
5hat to do>
De-and a (ust and %ro%ortional treat-ent. )e(ect or ignore un(ust
and ca%ricious ,eha*iour.
3f &ou are u% to the ine*ita,le confrontation! react in +ind. 'et hi-
taste so-e of his o.n -edicine.
Dehumanisation and -%,ecti+ication &%use(
Peo%le ha*e a need to ,elie*e in the e-%athic s+ills and ,asic
good7heartedness of others. :& dehu-anising and o,(ectif&ing
%eo%le / the narcissist attac+s the *er& foundations of hu-an
interaction. This is the HalienH as%ect of narcissists / the& -a& ,e
e@cellent i-itations of full& for-ed adults ,ut the& are e-otionall&
a,sent and i--ature.
A,use is so horrid! so re%ulsi*e! so %hantas-agoric / that %eo%le
recoil in terror. 3t is then! .ith their defences a,solutel& do.n! that
the& are the -ost susce%ti,le and *ulnera,le to the narcissist9s
control. Ph&sical! %s&chological! *er,al and se@ual a,use are all
for-s of dehu-anisation and o,(ectification.
5hat to do>
Ne*er sho. &our a,user that &ou are afraid of hi-. Do not
negotiate .ith ,ullies. The& are insatia,le. Do not succu-, to
,lac+-ail.
3f things get rough7 disengage! in*ol*e la. enforce-ent officers!
friends and colleagues! or threaten hi- <legall&=.
Do not +ee% &our a,use a secret. 4ecrec& is the a,user9s
.ea%on.
Ne*er gi*e hi- a second chance. )eact .ith &our full arsenal to
the first transgression.
%use o+ "n+ormation
1ro- the first -o-ents of an encounter .ith another %erson! the
narcissist is on the %ro.l. He collects infor-ation. The -ore he
+no.s a,out his %otential *icti- / the ,etter a,le he is to coerce!
-ani%ulate! char-! e@tort or con*ert it Hto the causeH. The narcissist
does not hesitate to -isuse the infor-ation he gleaned! regardless
of its inti-ate nature or the circu-stances in .hich he o,tained it.
This is a %o.erful tool in his ar-our&.
5hat to do>
:e guarded. Don9t ,e too forthco-ing in a first or casual -eeting.
?ather intelligence.
:e &ourself. Don9t -isre%resent &our .ishes! ,oundaries!
%references! %riorities! and red lines.
Do not ,eha*e inconsistentl&. Do not go ,ac+ on &our .ord. :e
fir- and resolute.
"m$ossi%le Situations
The narcissist engineers i-%ossi,le! dangerous! un%redicta,le!
un%recedented! or highl& s%ecific situations in .hich he is sorel&
needed. The narcissist -a+es sure that his +no.ledge! his s+ills!
his connections! or his traits are the onl& ones a%%lica,le and the
-ost useful in the situations that he! hi-self! .rought. The
narcissist generates his o.n indis%ensa,ilit&.
5hat to do>
4ta& a.a& fro- such quag-ires. 4crutinise e*er& offer and
suggestion! no -atter ho. innocuous.
Pre%are ,ac+u% %lans. Fee% others infor-ed of &our
.herea,outs and a%%raised of &our situation.
:e *igilant and dou,ting. Do not ,e gulli,le and suggesti,le.
:etter safe than sorr&.
Control %y Pro7y
3f all else fails! the narcissist recruits friends! colleagues! -ates!
fa-il& -e-,ers! the authorities! institutions! neigh,ours! the -edia!
teachers / in short! third %arties / to do his ,idding. He uses the-
to ca(ole! coerce! threaten! stal+! offer! retreat! te-%t! con*ince!
harass! co--unicate and other.ise -ani%ulate his target. He
controls these una.are instru-ents e@actl& as he %lans to control
his ulti-ate %re&. He e-%lo&s the sa-e -echanis-s and de*ices.
And he du-%s his %ro%s uncere-oniousl& .hen the (o, is done.
Another for- of control ,& %ro@& is to engineer situations in .hich
a,use is inflicted u%on another %erson. 4uch carefull& crafted
scenarios of e-,arrass-ent and hu-iliation %ro*o+e social
sanctions <conde-nation! o%%ro,riu-! or e*en %h&sical
%unish-ent= against the *icti-. 4ociet&! or a social grou% ,eco-e
the instru-ents of the narcissist.
5hat to do>
Often the a,user9s %ro@ies are una.are of their role. E@%ose hi-.
3nfor- the-. De-onstrate to the- ho. the& are ,eing a,used!
-isused! and %lain used ,& the a,user.
Tra% &our a,user. Treat hi- as he treats &ou. 3n*ol*e others.
:ring it into the o%en. Nothing li+e sunshine to disinfest a,use.
m%ient %use
The fostering! %ro%agation and enhance-ent of an at-os%here of
fear! inti-idation! insta,ilit&! un%redicta,ilit& and irritation. There are
no acts of tracea,le e@%licit a,use! nor an& -ani%ulati*e settings of
control. Get! the ir+so-e feeling re-ains! a disagreea,le
fore,oding! a %re-onition! a ,ad o-en. This is so-eti-es called
HgaslightingH.
3n the long7ter-! such an en*iron-ent erodes the *icti-9s sense
of self7.orth and self7estee-. 4elf7confidence is sha+en ,adl&.
Often! the *icti- ado%ts a %aranoid or schiAoid stance and thus
renders hi-self or herself e@%osed e*en -ore to criticis- and
(udge-ent. The roles are thus re*ersed: the *icti- is considered
-entall& deranged and the a,user / the suffering soul.
5hat to do>
)unU ?et a.a&U A-,ient a,use often de*elo%s to o*ert and
*iolent a,use.
Gou don9t o.e an&one an e@%lanation / ,ut &ou o.e &ourself a
life. :ail out.
#*e 9alignant "3ti<is< oA t*e 0,'sed
3 often co-e across sad e@a-%les of the %o.ers of self7delusion
that the narcissist %ro*o+es in his *icti-s. 3t is .hat 3 call H-alignant
o%ti-is-H. Peo%le refuse to ,elie*e that so-e questions are
unsol*a,le! so-e diseases incura,le! so-e disasters ine*ita,le.
The& see a sign of ho%e in e*er& fluctuation. The& read -eaning
and %atterns into e*er& rando- occurrence! utterance! or sli%. The&
are decei*ed ,& their o.n %ressing need to ,elie*e in the ulti-ate
*ictor& of good o*er e*il! health o*er sic+ness! order o*er disorder.
'ife a%%ears other.ise so -eaningless! so un(ust and so
ar,itrar&S
4o! the& i-%ose u%on it a design! %rogress! ai-s! and %aths. This
is -agical thin+ing.
H3f onl& he tried hard enoughH! H3f he onl& reall& .anted to healH!
H3f onl& .e found the right thera%&H! H3f onl& his defences .ere
do.nH! HThere M;4T ,e so-ething good and .orth& under the
hideous facadeH! HNO ONE can ,e that e*il and destructi*eH! HHe
-ust ha*e -eant it differentl&H! H?od! or a higher ,eing! or the
s%irit! or the soul is the solution and the ans.er to our %ra&ersH.
The Poll&anna defences of the a,used against the e-erging and
horri,le understanding that hu-ans are s%ec+s of dust in a totall&
indifferent uni*erse! the %la&things of e*il and sadistic forces! of
.hich the narcissist is one. And that finall& their %ain -eans nothing
to an&one ,ut the-sel*es. Nothing .hatsoe*er. 3t has all ,een in
*ain.
The narcissist holds such thin+ing in ,arel& undisguised
conte-%t. To hi-! it is a sign of .ea+ness! the scent of %re&! a
ga%ing *ulnera,ilit&. He uses and a,uses this hu-an need for
order! good! and -eaning / as he uses and a,uses all other
hu-an needs. ?ulli,ilit&! selecti*e ,lindness! -alignant o%ti-is- /
these are the .ea%ons of the ,east. And the a,used are hard at
.or+ to %ro*ide it .ith its arsenal.
)eturn
#+$ 0;#+"R
S*<'el >Sa<? =aknin
!'rri('l'< =itae
:orn in 1Q1 in Bir&at7Ga-! 3srael.
4er*ed in the 3sraeli Defence 1orce <1E71D"= in training and
education units.
$d'(ation
?raduated a fe. se-esters in the Technion / 3srael 3nstitute of
Technolog&! Haifa.
Ph.D. in Philoso%h& <-a(or: Philoso%h& of Ph&sics= / Pacific
5estern ;ni*ersit&! California! ;4A.
M& doctoral thesis and other ,oo+s are a*aila,le through the
'i,rar& of Congress.
?raduate of nu-erous courses in 1inance Theor& and 3nternational
Trading.
Certified E7Co--erce Conce%ts Anal&st.
Certified in Ps&chological Counselling Techniques ,& :rain,ench.
1ull %roficienc& in He,re. and in English.
B'siness $53erien(e
89:; to 89:<
1ounder and co7o.ner of a chain of co-%uterised infor-ation
+ios+s in Tel7A*i*! 3srael.
89:= to 89:>
4enior %ositions .ith the Nessi- D. ?aon ?rou% of Co-%anies in
?ene*a! Paris and Ne.7Gor+ <NO?A and AP)O13M 4A=:
/ Chief Anal&st of Edi,le Co--odities in the ?rou%9s Headquarters
in 4.itAerland
/ Manager of the )esearch and Anal&sis Di*ision
/ Manager of the Data Processing Di*ision
/ Pro(ect Manager of the Nigerian Co-%uterised Census
/ 8ice President in charge of )ND and Ad*anced Technologies
/ 8ice President in charge of 4o*ereign De,t 1inancing
89:> to 89:?
)e%resented Canadian 8enture Ca%ital 1unds in 3srael.
89:? to 89:@
?eneral Manager of 3PE 'td. in 'ondon. The fir- financed
international -ulti7lateral countertrade and leasing transactions.
89:: to 899;
Co7founder and Director of HMi+,ats7TesuahH! a %ortfolio
-anage-ent fir- ,ased in Tel7A*i*.
Acti*ities included large7scale %ortfolio -anage-ent! under.riting!
fore@ trading and general financial ad*isor& ser*ices.
899; to Present
1reelance consultant to -an& of 3srael9s :lue7Chi% fir-s! -ainl& on
issues related to the ca%ital -ar+ets in 3srael! Canada! the ;F and
the ;4A.
Consultant to foreign )ND *entures and to ?o*ern-ents on -acro7
econo-ic -atters.
President of the 3srael cha%ter of the Professors 5orld Peace
Acade-& <P5PA= and <,riefl&= 3srael re%resentati*e of the
H5ashington Ti-esH.
899< to 899A
Co7o.ner and Director of -an& ,usiness enter%rises:
/ The O-ega and Energ& Air7Conditioning Concern
/ A8P 1inancial Consultants
/ Handi-an 'egal 4er*ices / Total annual turno*er of the grou%:
1# -illion ;4D.
Co7o.ner! Director and 1inance Manager of CO4T3 'td. / 3srael9s
largest co-%uterised infor-ation *endor and de*elo%er. )aised
funds through a series of %ri*ate %lace-ents locall&! in the ;4A!
Canada and 'ondon.
899< to 899?
Pu,lisher and Editor of a Ca%ital Mar+ets Ne.sletter distri,uted ,&
su,scri%tion onl& to doAens of su,scri,ers countr&.ide.
3n a legal %recedent in 1M / studied in ,usiness schools and la.
faculties across 3srael / .as tried for his role in an atte-%ted ta+e7
o*er of 3srael9s Agriculture :an+.
5as interned in the 4tate 4chool of Prison 5ardens.
Managed the Central 4chool 'i,rar&! .rote! %u,lished and lectured
on *arious occasions.
Managed the 3nternet and 3nternational Ne.s De%art-ent of an
3sraeli -ass -edia grou%! HHa7Ti+shoret and Na-erH.
Assistant in the 'a. 1acult& in Tel7A*i* ;ni*ersit& <to Prof. 4.?.
4hoha-=.
899? to 8999
1inancial consultant to leading ,usinesses in Macedonia! )ussia
and the CAech )e%u,lic. Colla,orated .ith the Agenc& of
Transfor-ation of :usiness .ith 4ocial Ca%ital.
Econo-ic co--entator in HNo*a Ma+edoni(aH! HDne*ni+H!
HMa+edoni(a DenesH! H3A*estiaH! HArgu-enti i 1a+tiH! HThe Middle
East Ti-esH! HThe Ne. PresenceH! HCentral Euro%e )e*ie.H! and
other %eriodicals! and in the econo-ic %rogra-s on *arious
channels of Macedonian Tele*ision.
Chief 'ecturer in courses organised ,& the Agenc& of
Transfor-ation! ,& the Macedonian 4toc+ E@change and ,& the
Ministr& of Trade.
8999 to =;;=
Econo-ic Ad*isor to the ?o*ern-ent of the )e%u,lic of Macedonia
and to the Ministr& of 1inance.
=;;8 to =;;<
4enior :usiness Corres%ondent for ;nited Press 3nternational
<;P3=.
6e, and Do'rnalisti( 0(tivities:
Author of e@tensi*e 5e, sites in:
7 Ps&cholog& <HMalignant 4elf7'o*eH= / An O%en Director& Cool
4ite!
7 Philoso%h& <HPhiloso%hical MusingsH=!
7 Econo-ics and ?eo%olitics <H 5orld in Conflict and TransitionH=.
O.ner of the Narcissistic A,use Announce-ent and 4tud& 'ist and
the Narcissis- )e*isited -ailing list <-ore than $## -e-,ers=.
O.ner of the Econo-ies in Conflict and Transition 4tud& 'ist .
Editor of -ental health disorders and Central and Eastern Euro%e
categories in *arious 5e, directories <O%en Director&! 4earch
Euro%e! Mentalhel%.net=.
Editor of the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder! the 8er,al and
E-otional A,use! and the 4%ousal <Do-estic= A,use and 8iolence
to%ics on 4uite 1#1 and :ellaonline.
Colu-nist and co--entator in HThe Ne. PresenceH! ;nited Press
3nternational <;P3=! 3nternetContent! e:oo+5e,! Po%Matters! and
HCentral Euro%e )e*ie.H.
P',li(ations and 0&ards
HManaging 3n*est-ent Portfolios in 4tates of ;ncertaint&H! 'i-on
Pu,lishers! Tel A*i*! 1DD
HThe ?a-,ling 3ndustr&H! 'i-on Pu,lishers! Tel A*i*! 1#
H)equesting -& 'o*ed One / 4hort 4toriesH! Gedioth Aharonot! Tel
A*i*! 1E
HThe 4uffering of :eing Faf+aH <electronic ,oo+ of He,re. 4hort
1iction=! 1D
HThe Macedonian Econo-& at a Crossroads / On the 5a& to a
Healthier Econo-&H! <Dialogues .ith Ni+ola ?rue*s+i=! 4+o%(e!
1D
HThe E@%orters9 Poc+et,oo+H! Ministr& of Trade! )e%u,lic of
Macedonia! 4+o%(e! 1
HMalignant 4elf7'o*e / Narcissis- )e*isitedH! Narcissus
Pu,lications! Prague and 4+o%(e! 1! "##1! "##$
The Narcissis- 4eries / e7,oo+s regarding relationshi%s .ith
a,usi*e narcissists! 4+o%(e! 17"##"
HAfter the )ain / Ho. the 5est 'ost the EastH! Narcissus
Pu,lications in association .ith Central Euro%e )e*ie. 6 CEENM3!
Prague and 4+o%(e! "###
5inner of nu-erous a.ards! a-ong the- the 3sraeli Education
Ministr& PriAe <'iterature= / 1E! The )otar& Clu, A.ard for 4ocial
4tudies / 1EQ! and the :ilateral )elations 4tudies A.ard of the
A-erican E-,ass& in 3srael / 1ED.
Hundreds of %rofessional articles in all fields of finances and the
econo-&! and nu-erous articles dealing .ith geo%olitical and
%olitical econo-ic issues %u,lished in ,oth %rint and 5e,
%eriodicals in -an& countries.
Man& a%%earances in the electronic -edia on su,(ects in
%hiloso%h& and the sciences and concerning econo-ic -atters.
6rite to 9e:
%al-a0unet.co-.-+
narcissistica,use7o.ner0&ahoogrou%s.co-
9- 6e, Sites:
Economy B Politics:
htt%:66ceeand,al+an.tri%od.co-6
Psychology:
htt%:66....narcissistic7a,use.co-6
Philoso$hy:
htt%:66%hiloso%hos.tri%od.co-6
Poetry:
htt%:66sa-*a+.tri%od.co-6contents.ht-l
Malignant Self Love
Narcissism Revisited
#*e Book
4)arcsssts %6e n a state of constant ra'e1 represse&
a''resson1 en6+ an& hatre&( The+ fr#%+ !e%e6e that
e6er+one s %"e the#( As a res$%t1 the+ are parano&1
a''ress6e1 ha$'ht+ an& erratc( )arcsssts are
fore6er n p$rs$t of )arcssstc <$pp%+(
The+ "no/ no past or f$t$re1 are not constrane& !+ an+
!eha6o$ra% consstenc+1 Ar$%esA of con&$ct or #ora%
cons&eratons( Jo$ s'na% to a narcssst that +o$ are a /%%n'
so$rce . an& he s !o$n& to e9tract hs s$pp%+ fro# +o$(
Ths s a ref%e9(
3e /o$%& ha6e reacte& a!so%$te%+ the sa#e to an+ other
so$rce( If /hat s nee&e& to o!tan s$pp%+ fro# +o$ s
nt#atons of nt#ac+ . he /%% s$pp%+ the# %!era%%+(4
This ,oo+ is co-%rised of t.o %arts.
The first %art is an e@%osition of the *arious %s&chod&na-ic
theories regarding %athological narcissis- and
a %ro%osed ne. *oca,ular&.
The second %art contains 1#" 1requentl& As+ed Buestions
related to the *arious as%ects of %athological narcissis-!
relationshi%s .ith a,usi*e narcissists! and the
Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder <NPD=.
#*e 0't*or
4a- 8a+nin .as ,orn in 3srael in 1Q1. A financial consultant
and colu-nist! he li*ed <and %u,lished= in 11 countries.
He is a %u,lished and a.arded author of short fiction and
reference and an editor of -ental health categories in *arious
5e, directories. This is his t.elfth ,oo+.