Help Incorporated

A Play in Three Acts

By Charles McWittig
Copyright 2005
Act One
Scene One
(Three business ofices, artifcially lit, no view. There is
a gap between the second and third ofices. There is also a
door SR. The ofice SR is an unholy mess, with papers
strewn about the desk, a computer, crumpled paper, several
cofee cups, a briefcase, which is stufed full, a coat thrown
over the briefcase on an ergonomic ofice chair, fle folders,
books and accordion folders everywhere. No one is inside.
The ofice S is a model of neatness. ! secretary"s desk sits
in the gap between ofices two and three, with a computer,
family photographs and a cardigan sweater draped over a
chair. The center ofice lacks furnishings of any kind. Three
men stand within its confnes and listen attentively. They
are Mel, Norwin and Olier. !ll three are in their late
forties or early ffties, and savvy businessmen. Norwin is
#ritish. ! booming, authoritative voice comes from ofstage.
$ccasionally the three look up and around, trying to discern
where it is coming from.!
McMillion ("#O#!
$s eery%o&y in' (ai&'
Norwin
$t)s Norwin, sir# *reetings#
McMillion ("#O#!
Norwin, o+ co,rse# Mel'
Mel
1
-es, sir#
McMillion ("#O#!
Ollie' %Olier nods&. $ ta.e it then that the /an whose na/e
is 0rst on the letterhea& C,rtis, $srael 1 A%ra/son is not
with ,s this /orning' $t)s too early to %e &eliering
cele%ratory coo.ies to the troops, so where co,l& he %e'
Olier
No, $)/ here 2 here' ((e raises his hand.!
McMillion
3ere at McMillion 4nterprises we hae charte& e/ployee
pro&,ctiity tren&s# $n general we are please& with the
increase in what we li.e to call the con+or/ity +actor# -o,
will recall we were written ,p in the Wall Street 5o,rnal +or
o,r se/inal corporate ter/inology#
Olier
They re+erre& to McMillion as 6Tea/ (o,%lespea.7#
Norwin
We were the 0rst conglo/erate to re8,ire a s,%c,taneo,s
/icrochip as a con&ition o+ e/ploy/ent a/ong o,r
e9ec,ties#
Olier
$ %eliee the article sai& o,r e/ployees nee&e& a secret
&eco&er ring to &ecipher the lang,age re8,ire& to wor. at
McMillion#
McMillion ("#O#!
2
Now, now, it co,l&n)t hae %een that negatie, co,l& it' $n
any eent, at last year)s ann,al /eeting, $ anno,nce& the
pilot progra/ o+ a (esignate& $nterr,ption 4ntertainer to
Pro&,ctiity Concepts# To oersi/pli+y +or the p,rpose o+
saing ti/e, Mel, this is essentially an e/ployee we will hire
an& pay to &o /ini/al wor. on phanto/ acco,nts# 3is real
p,rpose is to attract ha%it,al ti/e wasters into his o:ice
an& to report %ac. to /anage/ent on who they are an&
what they are ,p to# The p,rpose wo,l& %e to i&enti+y,
isolate an& p,rge the ti/e wasters, th,s %oosting
pro&,ctiity in the aggregate# $n short, PC loe& the i&ea,
an& $ a/ pro,& to anno,nce that to&ay yo, are stan&ing
insi&e the cell o+ o,r prototype (esignate& $nterr,ption
4ntertainer# %Mel, Norwin ) Olier applaud mildly&. Mel'
Mel
Appropriately eno,gh, yo, tol& /e that this 0r/ wo,l&
inc,%ate the (esignate& $nterr,ption 4ntertainer while $
was playing +oot%all with little paper triangles, with (ic.
Northwoo&s, at a%o,t ten thirty a#/# on a wor. &ay#
Norwin
;n+ort,nate, what happene& to (ic.#
Mel
$t ha& to %e &one# Ti/e wasters are si/ply not tolerate& at
C,rtis $srael 1 A%ra/son#
Olier
Wait 2 $ tho,ght, o:icially, he resigne&#
Mel
No, not e9actly#
3
Olier
B,t there was a resignation letter poste& as an attach/ent
to a co/panywi&e e</ail = thirty tho,san& people saw it#
%*uoting from an imaginary piece of paper& 6$ will not soon
+orget the goo& ti/es an& 2
Mel
%fnishing for him& 2 so,n& %,siness theology $ practice&
eery &ay o+ /y li+e at McMillion 2
Olier
%taking back over& 2 $ regret that it has to en& with an
,n+ort,nate personal trage&y, the &eath o+ /y wi+e#7 O+
co,rse, she wasn)t his wi+e at all at the ti/e she croa.e&#
Mel
Typically, (ic. &i& not tell yo, the whole story# She &iorce&
hi/ in 200># ;gly /ess, that was#
Olier
Ah yes, say no /ore#
Mel
$ 0re& hi/# 3ow he was hire& %y this 0r/ re/ains a
/ystery# We conteste& his ,ne/ploy/ent clai/ an&
en+orce& the nonco/pete agree/ent# Corporate Sec,rity
&ra+te& the resignation letter as a sort o+ te/plate to ,se in
s,ch a contingency#
Olier
4
B,t (ic. signe& it#
Mel
O+ co,rse he &i&# %Mel laughs&. The agree/ent preents hi/
+ro/ wor.ing +or any &irect co/petitor in any capacity +or
seen years#
Olier
$s that en+orcea%le'
Mel
A pl,rality o+ appellate ?,&ges says it is#
Olier
$+ he was 0re& +or %eing ,seless, why wo,l&n)t yo, want hi/
wor.ing so/ewhere else'
Mel
5,st not +or a &irect co/petitor#
Olier
B,t we)re a /,ltinational conglo/erate# We sell eerything
+ro/ paper clips to s,itcase n,.es to &iaper cleaning
contracts#
Mel
(anny sho,l& hae tho,ght o+ that %e+ore he signe& the
nonco/pete, witho,t which we wo,l& not hae hire& hi/#
Olier
*oo& point#
5
Norwin
-es@
McMillion ("#O#!
-es, o+ co,rse# Si/ple case st,&y o+ %,siness (arwinis/#
Mel
-es, yes # # # not to get too +ar a0el& 2 the 2 (esignate&
$nterr,ption 4ntertainer will sit in this o:ice an& attract
others to co/e to hi/'
Norwin
3ow will he &o that'
McMillion ("#O#!
By sheer +orce o+ his personality# Mil& entrap/ent
techni8,es# O,r research in&icate& that an attractie
n,isance can %e a haAar& to others si/ply %y %eing there#
Mel
O,r (esignate& $nterr,ption 4ntertainer has charis/atic
attri%,tes# Charis/a ooAes o,t o+ eery pore, yo, /ight say#
Norwin
One /ight e9press a concern here regar&ing en+orce/ent#
Mel
4n+orce/ent'
Norwin
6
3ow &o yo, plan on en+orcing the pro&,ctiity g,i&elines'
(oes o,r 2 (esignate& $nterr,ption 4ntertainer co/e with
a reporting re8,ire/ent'
Mel
-es, altho,gh we)e +o,n& that entr,sting what is
essentially a ran. an& 0le e/ployee with a /anagerial
+,nction is 2 well, st,pi&# There+ore, the (#$#4# will +,nction
as a nor/al e/ployee, %,t he will report to ,s on a wee.ly
%asis, an& his o:ice will %e /onitore& with a ca/era#
Olier
Where is it'
Mel
$t is e/%e&&e& in the wall there# (+oints at . wall!
Olier
What i+ he coers it oer with a &iplo/a or so/ething ?,st
as ,seless'
Mel
We hae +o,n& in testing this concept that the (esignate&
$nterr,ption 4ntertainer sho,l& not %e aware he is %eing
/onitore&# So we installe& it in the wall# As an asi&e, we at
Pro&,ctiity Concepts hae %een .eeping this o:ice acant
an& testing a n,/%er o+ ca/eras# We een &eelope& a
prototype spy ca/# $#T# is consi&ering a spin<o:#
Olier
Wow@
7
Norwin
(,dging away from Olier! Where on earth &i& we 0n& a
charis/atic entry<leel e/ployee'
McMillion ("#O#!
What'
Norwin
One who is willing to &o entry leel wor.' Bisten, it is no
great secret that McMillion hol&s its entry leel lawyers in
lower regar& than it &oes the typists#
Olier
The lowest, in +act, in the co/pany#
Mel
A +act yo, /a.e clear, Olier, when yo, rewar& the/ with
coo.ies eery Cri&ay# My interiews yiel&e& a n,/%er o+
goo& can&i&ates# (-orkmen start bringing in a desk, ofice
chair, comfortable chair, bookshelf, telephone and
computer, and begin to hook everything up during the
ensuing conversation. The ofice gets cramped, and the
workmen .ostle the three men until they move the
conversation out into the hall.! Cor the (#$#4# ?o%, that is 2
recent gra&,ates with a co,ple o+ years e9perience with
marginal 0r/s, ?a&e& losers, &r,n.s, the ,s,al /enopa,sal
an& post</enopa,sal wo/en#
Olier
Ac., not another one#
8
McMillion ("#O#!
Olier is right# We &o not wish to soli&i+y the rep,tation as
the co/pany where wo/en are 0nally p,t o,t to past,re#
The last thing we nee&e& was another ol& %ag#
Norwin
Wo,l& it not %e possi%le to electronically /onitor lags in
e/ployee pro&,ctiity instea&, so/ehow'
Mel
Telephone ,sage is strictly /onitore& as yo, are well aware#
3oweer, since we so/eti/es hae to write letters on
%ehal+ o+ /e/%ers, it lea&s to inacc,rate co,nts, since so/e
e/ployees clai/e& to %e &oing act,al legiti/ate wor. on
those occasions when they were not on the phone#
Olier
An& there is that &a/n sel+<reporting re8,ire/ent# So/e
e/ployees close a 0le a n,/%er o+ ti/es to appear /ore
pro&,ctie#
Mel
-es, there is that, too#
($liver is .ostled by a chair being carried by one of the
workmen.!
Olier
Watch it, &,/%ass@ We)re on the phone with the presi&ent
an& C4O# (The workman slips away and raises his middle
fnger after Olier turns his back.! We sho,l& go # # #
9
Norwin
(o yo, thin., sir, that McMillion is p,shing things a %it' $
/ean, this &iision is %eing inestigate& alrea&y# Wo,l& a
corporate spy in essence %ring /ore ,nwante& o,tsi&e
attention to 3elp $ncorporate&'
McMillion ("#O#!
$ sho,l& thin. so/ething co/pletely internal s,ch as this
prototype e/ployee will re/ain internal an&, ,h, secretie,
an& in any eent this is a priate %,siness an& the legality o+
the (esignate& $nterr,ption 4ntertainer has %een st,&ie&
%y o,r own lawyers#
Olier
3elp $ncorporate& lawyers'
McMillion ("#O#!
$ /ean, o,r real lawyers#
(!ll three look at each other and laugh after a short pause.
McMillion .oins in the laughter as well, a booming
authoritative laugh that continues after the three have
stopped. -hen they observe McMillion continues laughing,
they start up again, timing it so that they stop when
McMillion does.!
(The workmen fnish hooking up the e*uipment and depart
after a collective look at the suits to see what the laughter
was about.!
Olier
10
(/elling after them! What &o yo, want, a tip' *o alrea&y@
((e watches them leave.! That"s why /y na/e)s 0rst on the
letterhea&, gentle/en# (+ause! We sho,l& go#
Norwin
Are we rea&y sec,rity<wise'
Mel
-es, Norwin, we are# The ca/era is oice an&Dor /otion
actiate& an& re8,ires an e9ec,tie oice co//an& or
re/ote actiation to engage# ((e speaks into his watch.!
4na%le@
McMillion ("#O#!
O.ay, gentle/en# Bet)s /a.e corporate history@
(They e0it B. $n the way out, Olier ofers 1high2fves3 to
both Mel and Norwin, which they ignore.!
Act One
Scene Two
(Ciona enters SR and 4icks the light switch in the far right
ofice. She is in her early2 to mid256s, attractive, thin and
petite, with long gray hair. She moves energetically, like a
dancer, and is a bundle of focused energy. She removes her
coat and tosses it on a creden7a. (er occasional smile
poorly conceals the fact that she does not have a sense of
humor. There are books and papers everywhere. ,ficiently
and dead2seriously, goes to several of the piles of case fles,
opens them and looks inside before abandoning them. She
sits in her ofice chair, bolt2upright, and turns on her
computer. She puts on her headset, hits a few computer
keys, dials the phone.!
Ciona
11
3ello, this is 3elp $ncorporate& ret,rning yo,r call# Please
gie ,s a call %ac. at yo,r earliest conenience# (She hits a
few computer keys, dials again.! 3ello, this is 3elp
$ncorporate& ret,rning yo,r call# Please gie ,s a call %ac.
at yo,r earliest conenience# (She repeats the procedure8
hits a few computer keys and dials phone again.! 3ello, this
is 3elp $ncorporate& 2 yes, it is seen twenty<one a#/# 2 $
a/ ret,rning yo,r call# Sir, yo, calle& a%o,t a legal /atter,
a pro%le/ yo, are haing with warranty coerage on yo,r
B,ic.' -es, yo, %o,ght it ,se&' An& what type o+ warranty
was it' -o, &on)t .now# Was there a stic.er in the win&ow'
-es' What &i& it say' 6As<is, no warranty#7 What +ell o,t'
(+ause! Sir, the engine is not coere&# Neither is the rear
%,/per# -es, yo, &o nee& those to &rie 2 (Pa,se! $+ it)s not
really a warranty call, what is it' -o, got rear<en&e&' O.ay
2 (i& yo, co/plete an acci&ent report' With the police'
Wait wait wait 2 yo, want to s,e who/' The /an who sol&
yo, the car' What a%o,t the other &rier' 3e le+t' (i& yo,
e9change in+or/ation' (+ause! Sir, yo,)re not /a.ing any
sense# Please %e 8,iet +or one secon&@ Sir, i+ yo, are not
h,rt, yo, &on)t .now who the other &rier is an& yo, &i&n)t
co/plete an acci&ent rep 2 -o,r nec. h,rts an& yo, hae
hea&aches' -o, weren)t &riing' (becoming increasingly
more agitated! Boo., sir, call the police in the city where the
acci&ent hap 2 (pause! Sir, i+ this happene& seen years
ago there is nothing yo, can &o# -es, $ realiAe& yo, ?,st
?oine& o,r serice an& yo, wante& to gie it a try, %,t there
is nothing legally yo, can &o# No, $ cannot get a lawyer to
represent yo, at this ti/e# Beca,se yo,)re still proisional
with ,s 2 an& yo, &on)t hae a case# -o, nee& to +ollow
proce&,res a+ter an acci&ent, sir# (pause! That)s all right,
sir, call again anyti/e# (Ciona disconnects, types.
Throughout the rest of the scene, when she is not speaking,
she pantomimes working, the same routine. -hile she is
doing this, *ary enters SE, carrying a bo0 of books and
ofice supplies. (e is in his 96s, well2dressed and groomed,
but still manages to have a down2at2the2heels, almost sad
look about him. (e is attractive, not *uite athletic. (e
12
removes his books and supplies from the bo0, puts them on
the available furnishings hapha7ardly. (e looks for a place
to hang a photograph, studies the wall where the camera is,
takes out a small hammer and a bag of nails. (e hangs the
photograph over the camera hole. Olier enters SB with a
bo0 of cookies#!
Olier
Cirst &ay'
*ary
(,nthusiastically! Olier, how are yo,'
Olier
((e is in a .ovial mood! *oo&, *ary, goo& 2 ?,st wante& to
see i+ yo, are getting settle& in# (ooks around, notices
photograph, winces! -es, ery goo&# (i& they tell yo, i+
yo,)re going to hang a pict,re to ,se the e9isting nail holes,
i+ any'
*ary
No%o&y)s tol& /e anything yet#
Olier
(Sits in comfy chair! -es, well, S,Aette will %e &own to get
yo, starte&# -o, will +,nction as one o+ the/, %,t ?,st
re/e/%er to hae yo,r report on /y &es. %y 0e eery
Cri&ay#
*ary
No pro%le/#
13
Olier
5,st preten& li.e yo,)re wor.ing# Bet the slac.ers co/e to
yo,# Then later we can hae l,nch# That will .ill a co,ple o+
ho,rs#
*ary
What &o these people &o again'
Olier
$t)s li.e a legal helpline type o+ operation# -o,)e seen these
call<in shows, 6The Baw an& -o,,7 li.e that' This is ?,st li.e
that# -o,r gran&/other co,l& han&le /ost o+ these calls# -et
so/ehow they /a.e it &i:ic,lt# Not to worry# -o, won)t %e
ta.ing calls anyway, ,nless yo, want to# $ &on)t .now why
yo, wo,l& want to, tho,gh# Most o+ these /e/%ers are ?,st
loo.ing +or so/eone to tal. to, yo, .now what $ /ean'
*ary
O.ay#
($y enters SE and sits at secretary"s desk, notices Olier
and *ary talking, does a double2take at *ary. $y opens
purse and removes a compact and applies face powder,
checks hair, teeth and nails. She is small, thin, wiry and
feisty# She enters *ary)s ofice.!
$y
(Too *uickly! $s this the new icti/'
*ary
(Rising! 3i#
14
Olier
(Rising, with considerable dificulty, and *uite put out! $y
will %e yo,r secretary# Well, not your secretary 2 she &oes
the typing +or a%o,t 0+teen Title One attorneys#
*ary
What)s Title One'
$y
Oh, yo,)ll see# Want to see pict,res o+ /y .i&s'
*ary
-o,r .i&s'
$y
Tyler, (aniel, 5,stin an& 5ason#
*ary
(ooks her over, struggles for something nice to say.! Co,r
.i&s an& yo, still hae a 0g,re' (Olier bristles#!
$y
(To Olier! This one can stay#
Olier
*ary, $ sho,l& let yo, get settle& in an& let $y get %ac. to
wor. ((e glares at $y!# $+ yo, hae any 8,estions, pic. ,p
the phone an& &ial ><2<F#
15
*ary
That)s yo,r e9tension' ((e begins to write on a scrap of
paper!
Olier
Oh no, that)s S,Aette)s# Title One e/ployees &o not hae
&irect access to the partners# That wo,l& %e perceie& as
oerly +a/iliar#
*ary
Ah#
Olier
So/ething a%o,t the corporate chain o+ co//an& %rea.ing
&own#
*ary
O.ay#
Olier
5,st get settle& in an& $)ll sen& S,Aette &own to show yo,
how eerything wor.s# (-inks!
(Olier looks at picture again, ad.usts it, e0its SB!
$y
-o, /a&e an i/pression on Olier# 3e ,s,ally &oesn)t co/e
&own here on a Title One)s 0rst &ay#
16
*ary
Eeally'
$y
We har&ly see hi/ at all on this Goor# 3e)s ,s,ally o,t
ta.ing care o+ his apart/ents or o: so/ewhere# So/eti/es
he)ll %ring ,s coo.ies on Cri&ay#
*ary
3e has apart/ents'
$y
-eah, he)s a sl,/lor&# 3e pays ,s ?,st eno,gh to %e a%le to
a:or& the rent on one o+ his apart/ents, too# See how it
wor.s' 3e .eeps it all# Anyway, he)s a &ic., &on)t worry
a%o,t hi/# 3ae yo, /et Ciona' ($y goes over to Ciona)s
ofice and drags her into *ary)s ofice! Ciona, this is o,r new
Title One attorney, *ary 2
*ary
We%%#
$y
*ary#
Ciona
3ello# Bet /e .now i+ yo, nee& anything# $ hae to get %ac.
to wor.# (Ciona returns to her ofice, puts on headset,
resumes miming her routine.!
$y
17
$ can show yo, how to t,rn it on#
*ary
What'
$y
-o,r co/p,ter#
*ary
Oh# No 2 than.s, $ can 0g,re o,t that one /ysel+#
($y e0its *ary)s ofice. $y returns to her desk, dials
frantically and talks into phone so that she thinks *ary
cannot hear. ! short conversation. *ary sits at his desk and
turns on computer. :deally, whatever is on his screen should
appear as a pro.ection on a screen at C above the stage.
This would be the computer booting up. *ary is not sure
what else to do. (e takes a copy of a maga7ine from his
briefcase, sits back and starts reading. S,Aette enters SB#
She is in her late ;6s with short hair dyed blonde,
attractive. She is trying to make the most of her remaining
se0uality, which was once considerable, and is moderately
successful. (er accent is vaguely southern.!
S,Aette
3ello, *ary#
*ary
-o, /,st %e S,san#
S,Aette
S,Aette#
18
*ary
S,Aette, sorry# (S,Aette hands *ary a few papers!#
S,Aette
-o, will nee& to 0ll these o,t an& get the/ %ac. to /e
so/eti/e this wee.# (She looks around. Stares at picture.!
The partners tell /e yo, are so a&ance& that yo, will not
re8,ire any training#
*ary
5,st t,rn /e on an& watch /e go, eh'
S,Aette
(o yo, .now how to get into the syste/'
*ary
(on)t .now anything yet#
(S,Aette comes over behind the desk and pushes her frame
in between *ary and his desk so that her buttocks are at his
eye level. *ary watches, momentarily fro7en and mildly
aroused, then rises and stands B of desk.!
S,Aette
(<uickly! -o, ?,st &o,%le<clic. on this icon an& that gets yo,
into the Title One /en,# Cro/ there yo, can access the
actie screen# These are people who still nee& to %e calle&
%ac.# They are categoriAe& accor&ing to ,rgency o+ call,
ti/e, s,%?ect /atter o+ call an& /e/%er stat,s# One nine
19
eight +o,r /eans they ?,st ?oine& ,s an& so yo,)re not really
allowe& to tell the/ anything or &o anything +or the/#
*ary
Nothing'
S,Aette
Not ,ntil their cre&it clears#
*ary
3ow will $ .now when their cre&it clears#
S,Aette
The syste/ changes the/ oer#
*ary
The syste/ wor.s on cre&it, $ see#
(S,Aette looks at him, unsure.!
S,Aette
5,st try to answer their 8,estions as %est yo, can# $+ they
nee& a letter written, write a letter# $+ it)s warrante&#
*ary
3ow will $ .now i+ it)s warrante&'
S,Aette
$+ yo,)re not s,re, &ial one two three# That)s /y e9tension =
an& $)ll tell yo,#
20
*ary
$ wo,l&n)t go to the partners +or so/ething li.e that' Aren)t
they lawyers' An& isn)t the /erit or non</erit o+ a legal
correspon&ence a legal &eter/ination not to %e entr,ste& to
a lay person s,ch as yo,rsel+'
S,Aette
(+auses. She likes *ary)s feisty personality.! Also, i+ yo,
want to lay a person, all yo, nee& to &o is as.#
*ary
Eeally'
S,Aette
As a Title One attorney, yo, only hae li/ite& powers# $ can
&eter/ine i+ yo,r action is coere& ,n&er the contract#
*ary
What contract' What)s Title One'
S,Aette
That)s what yo, &o# $t)s all in those papers# $+ yo, nee& a
legal answer, here is yo,r %in&er# (She crosses to bookshelf,
touching *ary)s shoulder, picks up a thin binder and shows
it to him. *ary returns to his chair.! Most o+ the law, an&
there+ore the 8,estions yo, will get, are coere& in here#
(She tosses it to him.!
*ary
So /,ch +or three years o+ law school 2 %,t wait, let)s get
%ac. to this lay thing#
21
($y rises and surreptitiously moves closer to hear this.!
S,Aette
*ary, &on)t get 0re& on yo,r 0rst &ay# (S,Aette smiles. She
e0its B with as co*uettish a 1bump3 out the door as she can
manage. *ary watches her.!
($y waits for her to leave, then enters *ary)s cube#!
$y
$)& watch what yo, say to her# She)s a real %itch#
*ary
$ thin. she ?,st propositione& /e#
$y
$t)s possi%le# She ta.es it where she can get it these &ays# $+
$ weren)t /arrie&, $ wo,l& go a+ter yo, /ysel+# (She is
4irting shamelessly.! 4en so, %e care+,l# My h,s%an&)s 5>
an& $)/ F5 an& he &oesn)t always want to, i+ yo, .now what
$ /ean#
*ary
$)/ liing with /y girl+rien&# We /ight as well %e /arrie&#
$y
That &oesn)t /atter to S,Aette#
(Bynne and Melo&y enter from SE# Bynne is short and
heavyset. Melo&y is taller and thinner, but is also beginning
to thicken with age. #oth are in their late 96s. They bypass
$y to get into *ary)s ofice.!
22
Bynne
So, yo,)re the new Title One#
Melo&y
A %,nch o+ ,s are going o,t a+ter wor. on Cri&ay# (o yo,
want to co/e'
*ary
O.ay, s,re#
Bynne
Where &o yo, co/e +ro/'
*ary
What'
Bynne
Where &i& yo, wor. %e+ore yo, ca/e here' We all ha& so/e
e9perience in the law 2
$y
-eah, ,s,ally /isera%le 2
Bynne
2 %e+ore we ca/e to wor. here# (Bynne and Melo&y stare
icily at $y until she leaves the ofice.! Melo&y was with the
(#A#)s o:ice# $ was with the P,%lic (e+en&er)s o:ice, the
3,/an Eights Co//ission, an& $ &o ol,nteer wor. +or the
ACB; on occasion#
Melo&y
23
(=o*uettish! She)s e0tremely conseratie# (She laughs
nervously.!
*ary
$ wor.e& in a Thir& Worl& sweatshop# $ han&le& ciil rights
cases# So/eti/es they wo,l& sen& /e o,t to co,rt on cases
$ was een less 8,ali0e& +or#
(!ll three laugh nervously.!
Melo&y
A lot o+ ,s go o,t together a+ter wor.# -o, can co/e too i+
yo, want#
Bynne
We li.e new %loo&#
Melo&y
Title One wor. is pro%a%ly &i:erent than what yo,)re ,se&
to#
Bynne
$t)s /ore ol,/e than yo,)re ,se& to#
*ary
$ &on)t .now# $ ha& a pretty %ig caseloa& at /y ol& 0r/# B,t
what is it that we)re s,ppose& to &o, e9actly' $)e hear&
a%o,t this Title One %,t $ hae no i&ea what it is#
Bynne
24
$t)s in the contract#
Melo&y
5,st answer their 8,estions# That)s all yo, can &o# $ wish we
co,l& &o /ore +or these people, %,t we can)t# The contract
&elineates what we can &o#
Bynne
$t)s not 8,ite that si/ple# (To *ary! (i&n)t yo, train with
anyone'
*ary
$ 2
Melo&y
They pro%a%ly ?,st showe& hi/ how to t,rn on his co/p,ter
an& 0n& Title One# They &on)t .now what they)re &oing#
Bynne
They &on)t .now#
Melo&y
(Talking to Bynne now! $ went to S,Aette with a Title One
call# The g,y ha& e9ha,ste& eery possi%le Title One %ene0t
an& he ha& his hearing in +ront o+ the ?,&ge co/ing ,p# We
trie& eerything to resole it# B,t S,Aette wo,l&n)t let /e
ta.e it as a Title Three case /ysel+# $ co,l& hae got hi/ o:#
So $ went to Mel an& he calls Su7ette in' So he ?,st listene&
to S,Aette tal. an& sai& she was right# She)s not een a
lawyer# She sho,l&n)t %e /a.ing legal &ecisions# $ co,l&
hae got hi/ o:#
25
*ary
What)s 2'
Melo&y
What are these people paying ,s a +ee eery /onth +or i+ we
can)t go in an& represent the/ as their lawyers'
Bynne
What was the charge'
Melo&y
Beaing the scene o+ an acci&ent# An& then it /orphe& into
a ciil rights police %r,tality case#
Bynne
$t /orphe&'
Melo&y
The /e/%er clai/s the police hit hi/ with a Taser an& a
cho.e hol&, an& threw hi/ thro,gh the win&ow o+ the
cr,iser#
Bynne
(oes he hae a &e+ense'
Melo&y
3e ha& to pee# (!ll three laugh!
*ary
26
What)s Title Three'
Melo&y
$t)s in the contract# So, &o yo, want to go o,t with ,s a+ter
wor. on Cri&ay or what'
Bynne
So/eone tol& /e yo, ,se& to wor. +or Beonar& O)Boyle#
*ary
-es, only it was ,n&er the g,ise o+ 6-o,r Baw Cir/7# 3e
&i&n)t want his na/e on the letterhea& %eca,se he 0g,re&
the a,thorities wo,l& not %e a%le to 0n& hi/ an& potential
clients wo,l& not .now he ha& gone to ?ail#
Bynne
(ooking at the portrait of >arl ?ar0. She is .ust noticing it.!
Why &o yo, hae a pict,re o+ Harl Mar9 on yo,r wall'
*ary
$t)s Moses Mor&ecai Bey#
Bynne
Harl Mar9)s real na/e# Are yo, a Co//,nist'
*ary
(Raises right hand! $ a/ not now, nor hae $ eer %een a
/e/%er o+ the 2
Melo&y
Oh, leae hi/ alone#
27
Bynne
Co//,nis/ is still the ene/y# (She does not sound
convincing.! What a%o,t China' C,%a'
*ary
$t)s ?,st a cool pict,re, that)s all# $)/ still a capitalist pig
lawyer &own in /y so,l, where it co,nts# ((e thumps his
chest.!
Melo&y
Well, yo, are now o:icially wor.ing +or the classic pyra/i&
sche/e operation# The tho,san&s o+ /e/%ers spen& /oney
hoping to get so/e help# The na/e o+ the co/pany
e9plicitly pro/ises help# The /oney gets collecte& reg,larly
in the +or/ o+ /onthly &,es coneniently charge& to their
cre&it car&s# We get pai& li.e ser+s# $n the en&, Bill
McMillion is the only one getting rich# (She constructs an
air pyramid.! The only one#
Bynne
$ li.e to thin. we 0ght +or the little g,y#
Melo&y
(To *ary! Watch o,t +or S,Aette# Anything yo, say to her
goes right to Mel $srael#
Bynne
$ &on)t hae a pro%le/ with Mel# (Starts to leave.! *ary,
co/e &own to /y o:ice later an& $)ll train yo,# $+ it)s o.ay
with S,Aette, that is#
28
*ary
-eah, $ &on)t really li.e non<lawyers telling /e $ can or can)t
&o so/ething# $ thin. $)ll ?,st wait +or instr,ction +ro/ Mel
or Olier#
Melo&y
-o,)ll %e waiting a long ti/e# Anyway, it gets 0ltere&
thro,gh S,Aette# (She thinks#! What a %itch# Well, anyway, $
hope yo, go o,t with ,s a+ter wor. on Cri&ay#
*ary
$ will# That so,n&s goo&#
(Bynne and Melo&y e0it#!
($y enters.!
$y
Melo&y has the hots +or yo,#
*ary
What' 3ow &o yo, .now' $ haen)t een %een here that
long# $ thin. $ sho,l& get to wor.#
$y
Mel is co/ing &own to see yo,#
*ary
3ow &o yo, .now'
$y
29
3e %,AAe& an& as.e& i+ yo, were in#
*ary
There)s pro%a%ly not /,ch going on aro,n& here that yo,
&on)t .now#
$y
Oh yeah# Wor.ing +or 0+teen lawyers, yo, hear eerything#
Beliee /e#
*ary
B,t we)re not real lawyers# Or so $)/ tol&#
$y
-o, got the &egree# -o, passe& the %ar# -o, /a.e /ore than
/e# -o,)re a lawyer# -o, also &on)t nee& to co/e in this
early#
*ary
$ &on)t'
$y
Nine<thirty)s 0ne#
*ary
Oh# 2 $t so,n&s li.e we)re /ore psychiatrists than lawyers#
$y
So/e o+ the /e/%ers do hae so/e whac.e&<o,t iss,es#
So/e o+ the/ .eep calling %ac.# -o,)ll get to .now the/ in
30
ti/e# $ hear so/e o+ these people are calling +ro/ the pay
phone at the n,t ho,se#
*ary
$s that so'
$y
$ &on)t .now# $ ?,st type letters#
(Mel enters, walks into *ary)s cube#!
Mel
$ see yo,)re getting settle& in#
*ary
-es#
Mel
$y will %e yo,r typist# *ie her all o+ yo,r letters# *et %ac.
to 2 ((e turns to where $y was standing, but she is
already seated at her desk. (er cell phone rings. She
answers, whispers something into the mouthpiece and
disconnects. She resumes typing.! (o yo, hae a hea&set'
*ary
$ &on)t 2
Mel
(!ware $y is listening.!
31
$y, get *ary a hea&set# ($y e0its.! Welco/e to the 0r/# $+
yo, nee& anything, S,Aette will %e happy to help yo,# 5,st
%,AA her# Also $y# Now, $ .now, an& yo, hae %een tol& that
yo, are not strictly a Title One# O+ co,rse, yo, are +ree to &o
the Title One wor. i+ yo, want#
*ary
$ wo,l& get %ore& i+ $ &i&n)t &o so/ething, %,t what)s Title
One'
Mel
*o onto yo,r co/p,ter an& start calling o,r /e/%ers %ac.#
3elp the/ with whateer legal pro%le/s they /ight hae# $+
yo, call so/e%o&y with a pro%le/ o,tsi&e o+ yo,r area o+
e9pertise, we hae three Goors o+ lawyers here yo, can as.#
$+ none o+ that &iss,a&es yo,, yo, are welco/e to &o all the
wor. yo, want an& +ran.ly, we nee& eery war/ %o&y we
can get#
*ary
So these members are o,r clients'
Mel
Not in a technical sense 2 they are o,r clients in eery
sense e9cept the ones that can get this 0r/ s,e& +or
/alpractice# -o, will not %e hel& to any pro&,ction 8,otas
or stan&ar&s here# There are F5,000 /e/%ers in this state
alone# Any one o+ the/ can call with a legal 8,estion
anyti/e they want# O,r attorneys hae to close cases#
*ary
32
What &oes that /ean'
Mel
Eesole the /e/%er)s iss,e#
*ary
$n a phone call'
Mel
$t can %e &one# Sit an& listen to so/e o+ the pros hereI
Ciona, who yo, hae the goo& +ort,ne o+ %eing across the
hall +ro/J (anny, people li.e that# $+ yo, want to, that is# B,t
yo,)re /anage/ent# -o,)re one o+ ,s# Bet the poor people
&o the wor.#
*ary
$ always tho,ght that a legal iss,e was not s,scepti%le o+
%eing resole& in a phone call# That litigation, %y its ery
nat,re, was long an& co/ple9#
(+ause, as Mel regards *ary!
Mel
-o,)re a special case, *ary# -o,r tas., really, is to i&enti+y
ha%it,al ti/e wasters in the o:ice an& report it to ,s so that
they can %e &ealt with accor&ingly# -o,)re not s,%?ect to the
sa/e pro&,ction stan&ar&s an& 8,otas as the other
attorneys#
*ary
3ow &o yo, /eas,re pro&,ction'
Mel
33
At 0rst we ,se& the honor syste/# Bawyers sel+<reporte&#
That &i&n)t wor., so we /onitore& closes an& telephone
,sage electronically# An attorney co,l& still cheat the syste/
as +ar as closes, %,t electronic /onitoring the telephone
ens,res that calls are .ept to a reasona%le length, an& that
there are eno,gh o+ the/#
*ary
So, why &o yo, nee& /e'
Mel
Many o+ o,r attorneys clai/ to %e &oing legiti/ate wor. on
%ehal+ o+ a client, which sho,l& %e Title Three wor., instea&
o+ trying to allay their +ears oer the telephone, which is the
real p,rpose o+ 3elp $ncorporate&#
*ary
$ hae no i&ea what yo, ?,st sai&, %,t the gist o+ it is that
$)/ a hall /onitor#
Mel
-o, are i+ yo, want to contin,e wor.ing here#
*ary
$ can)t arg,e with the /oney yo,)re paying /e# $)e alrea&y
accepte& the o:er# $)/ here# So, o.ay# $t)s ?,st 2
Mel
-es'
*ary
34
$)& li.e to 2 &o so/e o+ the telephone wor.# $ thin. it wo,l&
.eep /y legal s.ills sharp#
Mel
$ &on)t .now how sharp yo,)ll get, %,t we can always ,se
help on the phones#
*ary
An& $ thin. it wo,l& help /e 0t in a little %etter#
Mel
S,re#
*ary
$ wo,l& +eel li.e $ was earning /y salary#
Mel
-o,)ll earn it &oing yo,r ?o%# $t)s o.ay, tho,gh# Ta.e it easy#
-o,)re one o+ ,s#
*ary
$ a/'
Mel
-o,)re classi0e& as /i&&le</anage/ent *<thirteen +or
p,rposes o+ o,r ,ni0e& corporate salary scale#
*ary
$)/ honore&#
Mel
35
As %e0ts so/eone who has Harl Mar9 hanging on his wall#
*ary
3ow &o yo, 2 '
Mel
$t)s one o+ the things they teach yo, in school# (+ause!
-o,)re one o+ ,s now# Try not to screw it ,p# (Mel e0its.!
#lackout
Act One
Scene Three
(*ary is in the ofice B with (anny, Ale9 and (arrell# (arrell
is tall and handsome and moves easily despite his large
frame. (e has wavy hair and is the very essence of
insouciance. (e is a trust fund baby who always dresses
well. (e is about 96. (anny and Ale9 are about ten years
older, roughly *ary)s age. (anny is well2groomed and
athletic. (e is the alpha male of this group by virtue of the
fact that this is his ofice and because he appears to be the
oldest. :t is a corner ofice, slightly than *ary)s or Ciona)s,
with enough room to seat four of them comfortably. They
are drinking beer. Ale9 is tall and thin, with a nervous tic, a
facial twitch.!
(arrell
(!ddressing *ary! 3ow was yo,r 0rst wee.'
*ary
Oh, pretty goo&, $ g,ess#
(anny
36
-o, hae /et (arrell' (!ttempting a Scottish accent!
(arrell Mc4lroy# Starting at le+t stri.er +or the Scottish
national tea/, with right near 0+ty stone in his poc.ets as
we spea.@
(arrell
(aughs slightly! 3ow &o yo, li.e the wor.' *etting to wor.
ne9t &oor to (anny wo,l& %e rewar& eno,gh +or /e#
*ary
$)e only %een here a wee.# $t)s har& to say, really#
(arrell
The ?o% /ay s,c., %,t how a%o,t the %a%es' -o, can)t p,t
that .in& o+ %ene0t in ter/s o+ &ollars an& cents# (+auses to
gauge *ary)s reaction, which is 4at.! -o, get to wor. ne9t
&oor to /y spicy *ree. /o,ssa.a#
*ary
Ciona' (-ants to .oin in and be 1one of the guys3! $)& &o her#
(arrell
$ wo,l& hae li.e& to hae seen her thirty years ago, %e+ore
all that gray hair an& saggage# She still has a nice rac. +or a
wo/an that ol&# $)& still li.e to %en& her oer /y &es. an&
gie her one o+ these# ((e stands and does an ass2slapping
pantomime, as if 1taking3 her from behind. !ll four laugh.!
*ary
She see/s li.e she has iss,es with so/e o+ the /e/%ers#
An& she)s lo,&#
37
(anny
She &oesn)t .now the law that well# She ?,st tells these
/e/%ers things to get the/ o: the phone# That)s why she
gets /ore closes than anyone# She)s also relentless# She)s
on the phones all &ay, &oesn)t ta.e a %rea.# 4ery%o&y
&eelops their own style, *ary#
(arrell
Ale9, what &o yo, thin. o+ /y sweet little *ree. pastry'
(Ale9 rises and does the ass2slapping pantomime, but looks
painfully awkward in comparison to (arrell# (arrell and
*ary .oin in.!
(anny
See, *ary' -o,)re alrea&y getting the hang o+ this place# $)&
gie it si9 /onths# Then we)ll 0n& o,t how yo, really han&le
the relentless aalanche o+ petty little $ g,ess yo, can call
the/ legal pro%le/s yo, enco,nter on a &aily %asis#
*ary
Si9 /onths, (anny' $)/ not s,re $ co,l& /a.e it that long#
Ale9
(@rawing closer to *ary as he speaks.! The partners treat
yo, li.e shit# Worse than receptionists#
(arrell
They nee& the receptionists# They)re the 0rst line o+
&e+ense#
(anny
38
The 3elp $ncorporate& lawyer is the lowest +or/ o+ li+e# $t)s
an eternal &e%ate# $)e %een here +or 0e years an& $ thin.
they)re %oth treate& li.e shit# (+ause! We nee& to /oe this
party into a %ar#
Ale9
(Sits! Any s,ggestions'
(arrell
PP( Cri&ay 3appy 3o,r %a%y@
Ale9
3ow a%o,t Shenanigans'
(anny
$ &on)t .now# -o, ten& to get yo,r %ig eaters there# What &o
yo, thin., *ary'
*ary
$ always tho,ght Shenanigans ha& a goo& happy ho,r# One
o+ the %est in the city#
(arrell
Not eno,gh poontang action there# $ ote +or PP(# As
always, (anny casts the &eci&ing ote#
(anny
PP( is a goo& call# Stic. with the ol& relia%le#
39
Ale9
Bet)s 0nish these 0rst#
(arrell
Ale9, yo, lie with yo,r parents# Who has the %est happy
ho,r +or pic.ing ,p poon'
(anny
Wait, $ lie with /y parents, too# (oesn)t /y ote co,nt'
Ale9
Shenanigans#
(anny
No /atter where yo, go in this town, yo,)re still going to
get yo,r typical, ,ne&,cate&, ,n&er&resse&, oerweight,
r,&e, g,/<snapping, /ean<spirite&, no c,lt,re pig# $ want a
girl in her twenties who plays tennis, has so/e
sophistication, rea&s a %oo. eery once in a while, an&
&oesn)t wear c,to: an& e9pose a %are /i&ri: at the /oies
so that yo, can see rolls o+ 2 ((e breaks of in disgust#!
*ary
Well, (anny, we)re a%o,t the sa/e age# -o,)re pro%a%ly a
little ol&er than /e 2
(arrell
(anny went to school in the si9ties#
*ary
40
Why can)t yo, 0n& so/e%o&y yo,r own age' -o, too, Ale9# $
&i&#
Ale9, (anny
They)re een worse#
*ary
Oh no, $ %eg to &i:er# $ loe wo/en in their +orties an&
0+ties# $ li.e the/ li.e o,r Ciona# When they)re that hot 2
(arrell
She has a %oy+rien&# *,nther or Hla,s or (ir. or so/ething
li.e that# 3e %,il&s ro%ots# 3e)s an engineer# 3e 0g,res i+
he stic.s aro,n& long eno,gh she will /a.e hi/ a citiAen#
*ary
A *er/an ro%otics engineer# $sn)t that a clichK'
Ale9
*oo& loo.ing wo/en can get any ?o% they want# Then yo,
hae yo,r 3arar& an& -ale gra&s# Where &oes that leae
the rest o+ ,s' St,c. in a &ea&<en& ?o% li.e this, tal.ing to
losers an& n,t%alls an& sc,/%ags all &ay long# -o, get pai&
ne9t to nothing an& in the en& yo, can)t een say yo, got
e9perience going to co,rt %eca,se we)re not representing
these losers# $)/ ?,st p,tting this ?o% on the ol& res,/e an&
that)s it#
*ary
41
$t see/s li.e we wor. +or /ore o+ a s,ici&e hotline than a
law 0r/#
(arrell
What a%o,t o,r cre&o o+ helping the little g,y an& legal
access +or all'
Ale9
Whoeer sai& that neer ha& to wor. calling these
,ne&,cate& losers all &ay long# ((e is becoming clearly
agitated.!
(anny
3ae another %eer, Ale9#
(arrell
$ 0g,re $ can &o this easy shit +or awhile ,ntil $)/ rea&y to
go to another 0r/#
(anny
An& this general ,n&erstan&ing thro,gho,t the co/pany
that we &on)t represent these people# So/e%o&y sho,l&
challenge that#
*ary
$t see/s to /e that we do represent the /e/%ers# They call
,s, we gie the/ a&ice# $sn)t that a lawyer<client
relationship'
Ale9
(o yo, really want to represent these people'
42
(anny
Well, it)s ?,st a tho,ght# B,t $ was rea&ing the Wealthy
Man)s *,i&e to $nesting# -o, hae to ta.e ris.s# (+ause#!
So, i+ we were o+ a /in& to start o,r own practice, we wo,l&
%rea. o: an& we wo,l& hae an instant client %ase#
Ale9
O+ members'
(anny
Well, s,re# Bisten 2 legally there is nothing stopping ,s
+ro/ writing to the /e/%ers an& in+or/ing the/ we)e
/oe& o,r practice# They wo,l& hae the choice o+ co/ing
oer to o,r 0r/ or staying here#
Ale9
49cept that we haen)t /oe&# We)re here# An& we)re st,c.
here#
(arrell
$ &on)t want to &o this pai&<in<a&ance legal shit#
(anny
We wo,l&n)t# We wo,l& all i&enti+y goo& cases that we want
to .eep an& start o,t that way# Sae the na/es an&
a&&resses an& when it)s ti/e to /oe, sen& o,t a general
correspon&ence#
*ary
43
-o, want to ris. yo,r ?o% %eca,se yo, rea& a %oo.'
(anny
$t)s ?,st so/ething to thin. a%o,t +or the +,t,re# Ale9 is
right# There is not +,t,re in this 0r/#
Ale9
Mel)s &a,ghter is alrea&y in law school#
(arrell
Now she"s pretty sweet# $)& li.e to party with her# An& she)s
got the /oney to s,pport /e#
Ale9
(o yo, thin. one o+ ,s is going to /a.e partner %e+ore she
&oes' $ ote +or stealing 3elp $ncorporate&)s clients#
(anny
$ &on)t re/e/%er p,tting it ,p +or a Goor ote, %,t so &o $#
(arrell
$ g,ess $)ll go along with the her&#
(anny
-o, sho,l&# -o,r tr,st +,n& is going to pay +or all o+ this#
(arrell
3ey@ Bac. o:@ No to,chy the piggy %an.y#
Ale9
44
Bet)s go o,t an& cele%rate this#
(anny
*ary, what)s yo,r ote'
*ary
$ &on)t thin. $)e %een here long eno,gh to o:er an opinion#
$ li.e it here so +ar# Co/pare& to where $ was, the /oney is
goo& 2
Ale9
$t is'
*ary
2 an& $ li.e the wor.# -o, &on)t hae to go to co,rt an& get
yo,r hair /,sse&#
(anny
-o, /,st hae a thing +or wo/en in their 0+ties# -o, .now
this 0r/ is where they go when they get p,t o,t to past,re#
This is the past,re#
*ary
What a%o,t ,s'
(anny
We)re it#
*ary
45
Anyway, they)re not all oer 0+ty# Melo&y loo.s to %e a little
,n&er +orty#
(arrell
-eah, she)s a%o,t as goo& as it gets as +ar as attorneys here
go# An& that)s not goo&#
Ale9
et"s go# $ nee& to +orget a%o,t these losers +or a while#
(Rises! Co/e on, (anny# (@anny reaches up and switches of
his computer#!
(anny
Co/ing, *ary'
*ary
No, $)e got to get ho/e# My signi0cant other wants to go
o,t tonight an& $ hae to get a little %it so%er %e+ore $ wal.
in the &oor# Than.s anyway#
(anny
Si9 /onths#
*ary
What'
(anny
$ gie it si9 /onths# ;s,ally a+ter si9 /onths on the phones,
&ealing with the relentless pro%le/s o+ the /e/%ers &ay
a+ter &ay, yo, see the Title $ attorneys) attit,&es start to
change# -o, co/e to a great &ii&e aro,n& that ti/e# -o,
either .eep giing legal a&ice, &eal with their pro%le/s, or
46
yo, %eco/e one yo,rsel+# We)ll see in si9 /onths i+ yo,)re
still as ena/ore& o+ this place as yo, are now#
Ale9
Bet)s go@ ((anny rises and they all begin to fle out. *ary
returns to his ofice.! See yo, ne9t wee. 2 i+ yo,)re still
here, that is#
*ary
A&ios# $ /ight stop %y 2 what 2 PP( later'
Ale9
Pro%a%ly# $ plan on %eing passe& o,t %y then#
*ary
(aughs slightly! *oo& night, all#
((anny, Ale9 and (arrell e0it E# *ary turns on his computer8
with some momentary dificulty, he begins typing. !long
with *ary)s monologue, the following should appear on a
viewing screen above the stage.!
Me/o 2 to Mel $srael +ro/ *ary We%% 2 $ hae 2
correlate& ((e is pleased with himself! the &ata +ro/ o,r
proprietary syste/ 2 i#e#, n,/%er o+ closes 2 an& hae
/a&e so/e preli/inary 0n&ings# Clearly, Ciona is a s,perior
pro&,cer 2 twenty<seen closes to&ay alone 2 She wo,l&
%e here now i+ she were sche&,le& on Cri&ays# 3er +o,r<&ay
wee.ly totals e9cee& those o+ any other Title $ attorney who
wor.s all 0e &ays o+ the wee.# One won&ers a%o,t the
8,ality o+ her legal a&ice# She see/s to spen& /ost o+ her
ti/e %erating people 2 howeer, /e/%er co/plaints
against her are in line with sta: aerages 2 $t /ay %e
,nreasona%le to e9pect a sta: +,ll o+ Cionas as she appears
2 tireless 2 relentless in her &esire to %ring &own the
47
n,/%er o+ calls 2 (+auses. ooks over his work.! New
paragraph 2 there is a /oe a+oot to steal Title $ clients 2
those with goo&, ia%le cases 2 $ wo,l& &ecline to na/e
those inole& 2 ,ntil s,ch ti/e as $ hae &eter/ine& that
it is not ?,st 2 an i&le threat 2 %,t rather a %ona 0&e 2
conspiracy 2 By +ar the %iggest ti/e wasters a/ong the
Title $ attorneys 2 are 2
(Melo&y enters from E# *ary abruptly hits buttons on his
machine and shuts it down. The above2stage screen goes
blank.!
Melo&y
3ey#
*ary
3i Melo&y#
Melo&y
$ can)t %eliee yo,)re still here# Trying to /a.e a goo&
i/pression in yo,r 0rst wee.'
*ary
Well 2
Melo&y
Mel is the one yo, hae to i/press# 3e r,ns 3#$# $t)s his
%a%y# An& he gets his reports +ro/ S,Aette# Olier is the
hatchet /an# (She advances. Sees beer bottle on *ary)s
desk and takes a long swig from it.! An& con0&entially, it
&oesn)t /atter what yo, &o as long as yo, get yo,r ten
closes a &ay# ;nless yo, totally s,c., yo, won)t get 0re&#
48
The nee& people on the phones# (She leans over front of
desk seductively.!
*ary
$ &on)t s,c.#
Melo&y
$ tho,ght yo, were going o,t a+ter wor.#
*ary
$ was, %,t $ got hel& ,p# $ owe Mel so/ething 2 a report#
Melo&y
So &e&icate&# Can)t it wait' The partners aren)t going to
rea& it tonight, or /ay%e eer# They weren)t een here
to&ay# Or /ay%e Norwin was, $ thin. 2 B,t he has nothing
to &o with Title $ 2 oh, co/e on an& loosen ,p a little# We)re
all in this together# (She comes around to behind desk.!
What are yo, wor.ing on' That)s a %lan. screen#
*ary
$ .now 2 $ 2 (*ary is clearly becoming uncomfortable.!
Melo&y
(Sits on *ary)s lap, facing him, arms around his neck.!
Can)t 2 resist 2
*ary
-o,)re pretty +rien&ly +or a (#A#
Melo&y
49
$)/ not a (#A# any/ore# $t)s a &ea& en& ?o%, an& /y heart
was always with the acc,se&, anyway#
*ary
$ hae a girl+rien&#
Melo&y
That)s ina&/issi%le, co,nsel# (She kisses him. *ary *uickly
weakens and they embrace and kiss.!
(#lackout!
Act Two
Scene One
(Mel, Norwin and Olier stand in *ary)s ofice. Norwin and
Olier wear suits. Mel wears upscale business casual. !ll
hold drinks. :n the ofice, disorderly stacks of papers have
sprouted up everywhere. The bookcase is over4owing with
loose, stacked papers threatening to bulge out and cascade
onto the 4oor. The >arl ?ar0 picture is gone. The ofice now
looks dirty and lived2in#!
Mel
O,r stoc. is ,p oer +orty# A new high# We hae hire& ten
new Title One associates in the past si9 /onths# That is a
net a/o,nt, with seeral haing %een 0re& along the way#
We hae ta.en oer three Goors in this %,il&ing# $t is still
not eno,gh# Olier, yo,r na/e is 0rst on o,r letterhea&#
What &o yo, /a.e o+ all this recent s,ccess'
Olier
$ say there is still roo/ +or growth# Statewi&e, we hae
al/ost 0+ty tho,san& /e/%ers# B,t o,r sales associates
.eep signing ,p /ore#
50
Norwin
What a%o,t retention rates'
Mel
My +rien&, accor&ing to hea&8,arters, we hae a twenty
percent retention rate on new /e/%ers# That is a+ter one
year, relatiely ,nchange& +ro/ the three</onth 0g,re#
Norwin
So in otherwor&s, so/eti/e within the 0rst three /onths,
we lose +o,r o,t o+ eery 0e new /e/%ers, on aerage#
Olier
O,r role is to a&/inister the contract, not to worry a%o,t
n,/%ers# We get pai& the sa/e regar&less# Besi&es, twenty
percent retention is pretty goo& consi&ering the
worthlessness o+ the serice#
Mel
Bi+e is goo&#
Norwin
What a%o,t the ho/eless chap who)s %een para&ing aro,n&
town with the 3elp $ncorporate& $s A Cra,& sign'
Mel
$ spo.e with hi/, listene& to his story# 3e /a&e a
co/pelling case +or .eeping the /entally ill
51
instit,tionaliAe&# (i& yo, .now he was sol& 3#$# in an
instit,tion'
Olier
Oh'
Mel
3e was in Wellhaen +or &r,g reha%, hear& o,r sales pitch
+ro/ another short<ti/er an& &eci&e& to sign on# This sales
associate /a&e a tape insi&e the ?oint with a ca/cor&er an&
a script enco/passing all the %ene0ts o+ the serice, as per
the sales %i%le, cra//e& a %,nch o+ people into the T"
roo/ an& poppe& the tape in#
Norwin
(i& it wor.'
Mel
Close& ninety percent# (aughs.!
Olier
So/e o+ these sales associates get the people wor.e& ,p
into a +renAy# $t)s li.e a reial /eeting# Once yo, get so/e
o+ these yo/s whooping an& hollering 6,n+air7 an& 6stic. it
to the /an7, yo, can sell the/ a shoe%o9 +,ll o+ shit#
Norwin
So, this chap was sol& a %ill o+ goo&s %y o,r sales associate
2
Mel
52
Not o,rs# Ee/e/%er they are in&epen&ent an& there+ore
the co/pany, an& /ore i/portantly, we are i//,ne +ro/
any laws,its#
Norwin
3e was sol& a %ill o+ goo&s %y a sales associate# 3e %eca/e
&issatis0e& with the serice, an& now he is co/plaining to
,pper /anage/ent# (+ause! Who han&le& the inta.e'
Mel
*ary We%%#
Norwin
O,r spy'
Mel, Olier
Shhh@
Mel
Be 8,iet# Ciona is co//itte&#
(!ll three laugh.!
Norwin
$ &on)t nee& this# $ hae /y own practice# $ only signe& on
with 3#$# %eca,se o+ the potential +or enor/o,s pro0t at low
ris.# Now we hae a spy into his si9th /onth o+
e/ploy/ent, an& he is getting co/plaints'
Mel
Nothing we can)t han&le#
53
Olier
They all get co/plaints#
Norwin
$ &i& not s,pport *ary We%% han&ling /e/%ers# The ris.
was too great +or +raterniAation# -o, see hi/ now, he)s
alrea&y %e&&e& Melo&y, he)s /ates with so/e o+ his
colleag,es# (o yo, thin. these people will eer show ,p in
his wee.ly reports'
Mel
$ 0n& his reports inco/prehensi%le lately (ooks at Olier!
in any eent#
Olier
Are yo, two saying the (esignate& $nterr,ption 4ntertainer
is a +aile& e9peri/ent'
Mel
What &o yo, thin.'
Olier
$ &on)t .now# $)/ %,sy with /y apart/ents# 3e see/s to %e
so/ewhat ,nsta%le to /e# An ,nsta%le in&ii&,al who +,c.s
wo/en we co,l& %e +,c.ing has no place in an o:ice
setting# $t)s 2 $ &on)t .now 2 &isr,ptie or so/ething#
Mel
We can)t hae that#
54
Norwin
We can)t een hae the 6or so/ething#7
Olier
*ary We%% has no place in a position o+ responsi%ility with
this co/pany#
Mel
B,t yo, wo,l& let hi/ tal. to /e/%ers on the phone'
Olier
Oh, a%sol,tely#
Norwin
S,re#
Mel
3is si9 /onth eal,ation is co/ing ,p# Olier, why &on)t yo,
a&/inister that' Tell hi/ the reports are now nee&e& only
once a /onth, an& in s.eleton +or/ at that# We)ll phase hi/
o,t# Norwin, yo, &ictate a /e/o to McMillion an& let hi/
.now the e9peri/ent has +aile&# 3ae S,Aette type it ,p +or
con0&entiality p,rposes#
Norwin
She &oesn)t type#
Mel
55
She)ll type this i+ $ tell her to# We will initiate i&eo
s,reillance o+ his o:ice# $ ha& hi/ ta.e &own the o:ensie
wall art shortly a+ter he got here#
Olier
Harl Mar9# $ neer hear& o+ s,ch a thing#
Norwin
(To Mel! 3e 2 .nows so/ething#
Mel
No, he &oesn)t# An& een i+ he &oes, so what'
Olier
What)s there to .now' That he)s a Co//,nist'
Mel, Norwin
(<uickly! Neer/in&#
Norwin
This o:ice is a sty# $t reGects %a&ly on corporate 2 an& on
the 0r/#
Olier
B,t instea& o+ telling McMillion that the e9peri/ent has
+aile&, tell hi/ the +ail,re was in personnel# That way, the
chie+ e9ec,tie o+ a Cort,ne 0e h,n&re& co/pany &oesn)t
hae to %e re/in&e& that his pet pro?ect +aile&#
Mel
3e will want to hire so/eone else#
56
Olier
So, we hire so/eone else# My /other can han&le these
calls# There)s no shortage o+ lawyers willing to wor. +or ne9t
to nothing#
Mel
Payroll is o,r %iggest e9pense# $+ there was a way to c,t it,
we wo,l&#
Olier
We grow, we .eep hiring new people to wor. the phones#
Norwin
Par&on /e, %,t &on)t all o,r new Title One attorneys start
o,t 8,ic.ly an& then graitate towar& the /i&&le' (on)t
they all see/ to leel o: to a point o+ &oing ?,st eno,gh to
get %y'
Mel
N,/%ers &on)t lie# We alrea&y pay the/ at or near the
%otto/ o+ the salary scale# $+ we pay /ore an& &raw %etter
people to this 0r/, they will still graitate to the /ean# An&
they)ll %eco/e &isco,rage& with the wor. /ore 8,ic.ly# $ &o
not thin. hiring %etter lawyers is the answer# We nee& a
&i:erent spy#
Norwin
What a%o,t his salary'
Olier
57
B,st hi/ &own to Title One# Thirty<two tho,san& a year#
3e)s still /a.ing /ore than the +e/ale Title One attorneys#
O+ co,rse, an o:ice +,ll o+ Cionas wo,l& en& this &isc,ssion#
Wor.s +or nothing, .eeps her /o,th sh,t, %,sts ass an&
goes ho/e#
Mel
Why can)t they all pro&,ce li.e her'
Norwin
Nice 0g,re, too, +or a wo/an 2 yo, .now what $ /ean#
Mel
O,r age'
Norwin
-es#
Mel
P,t that tho,ght o,t o+ yo,r /in&#
Olier
That)s what o,r inta.e receptionists are here +or#
Mel
-es, o,r inta.e receptionists#
Norwin
3ae either o+ yo, eer &one an intake on one o+ o,r girls'
Mel
58
No#
Olier
That wo,l& %e se9,al harass/ent#
(!ll three laugh.! To se9,al harass/ent (Raises a toast. !ll
three fnish of their drinks.!
Mel
To /oney#
Norwin
To the Ban. o+ Eothschil&@
(#lackout!
Act Two
Scene Two
((anny, *ary and Ciona are seated at their desks talking on
their phones. $y sits at her desk, talking on the phone.
@uring the scene, (arrell, Ale9 and Bynne walk back and
forth about the stage, talking on cell phones.!
*ary
Sir, are yo, telling /e that yo, hae insi&e in+or/ation 2
Ciona
-o, can wal. oer to the /agistrate)s o:ice an& 0le it
yo,rsel+ 2
*ary
59
2 that co,l& %ring &own the stoc. price o+ yo,r e/ployer'
Ciona
2 een i+ yo, can)t rea& or write 4nglish#
(anny
$+ yo,r neigh%or co/es into yo,r ho,se at night an& enters
yo,r %e&roo/ an& ?,st watches yo, sleep, that)s still
%rea.ing an& entering# What $ s,ggest yo, &o is go 0le a
cri/inal co/plaint with the police#
Ale9
-o, were &oing ninety in a thirty<0e Aone'
Ciona
We can)t get yo, a lawyer# We are lawyers# We are here to
gie yo, legal a&ice#
Ale9
-o,r license was ,n&er s,spension +or (;$'
Ciona
The lawyer we wo,l& get +or yo, wo,l& charge yo, /ore in
+ees than yo, wo,l& recoer +ro/ the &e+en&ant#
Ale9
-o,r car hit a par.e& car'
(arrell
60
$ tol& her the law is ?,st a way to /a.e a liing#
Ciona
-o, /ay not een win#
(arrell
$ &on)t nee& to wor.#
Ale9
An& yo, Ge& the scene#
Ciona
Sir, $ &on)t .now why yo,)re paying ,s a +ee eery /onth#
Perhaps yo, sho,l& as. the sales associate who sol& yo, the
/e/%ership#
*ary
-o, can &isclose this in+or/ation to the S4C# There)s a
whistle%lower law that protects yo,#
Ale9
$ &on)t see yo, &riing again legally +or a while#
*ary
Sec,rities an& 49change Co//ission#
(anny
$ .now yo, &on)t +eel sa+e# $t)s the age we)re liing in,
/a)a/#
61
$y
-o, were s,ppose& to pic. ,p (aniel a+ter school to&ay# 3e
sat there waiting an& waiting an& waiting# -o, .now he r,ns
o: with his +rien&s *o& .nows where when yo, &on)t show
,p on ti/e to pic. hi/ ,p#
(arrell
$ can &o this easy shit +or awhile# What &o yo, say, PP(
tonight'
(anny
$ .now yo,r pro%le/s see/ +ar re/oe& +ro/ the worl& at
large, /a)a/, %,t i+ yo, ?,st loo. at the %ig pict,re 2 right
2 yo, ?,st want this person not to co/e into yo,r ho,se at
night 2 What' 2 She sen&s yo, o%scene +a9es at wor.'
*ary
$+ the a,&itors haen)t &isclose& it 2
$y
-o, iolate& o,r c,sto&y arrange/ent# (To group.! 3ey
g,ys, &i&n)t he iolate the c,sto&y arrange/ent' What can $
&o to en+orce it' (No one responds.! -o,)re the one who
wante& this@ (+ause! $)/ going to the 5,&ge@ (She
disconnects and dials again.!
*ary
(?utes phone.! (oudly! $)/ going to %e rich@ (All pause for
a moment and regard *ary, then resume their
conversations.!
62
Ale9
$ .now yo, hae to &rie to get to wor.# To get yo,r license
restore&, 0rst contact the (OT an& re8,est a restoration
re8,ire/ents letter 2
(anny
$t)s neer easy to a&/it these things# -o, &on)t +eel sa+e#
None o+ ,s +eels one h,n&re& percent sa+e#
Ciona
My na/e is Ciona#
$y
(e"s in a /oo& to&ay#
Ciona
$t)s certainly yo,r right to 0le a co/plaint against /e with
3#$# $)ll een gie yo, the n,/%er# Well, sir, it)s the reality o+
the legal syste/ that ictory is not g,arantee&#
Bynne
Be 8,iet@ Bisten@
Ciona
4specially when the res 2
Bynne
63
$)e %een listening to yo,r story +or +orty<0e /in,tes an&
yo, ?,st won)t stop an& listen to /e@
Ciona
2 the thing at iss,e in yo,r case 2 $t)s Batin 2 Well, sir,
so/eti/es we hae to ,se these Batin wor&s to proe we
went to law school#
Bynne
Stop@ Sh,t ,p@
Ciona
-o, can)t proe yo, own the ("( player# -o, can)t proe the
other +ellow too. it# (+ause! No, $ will not write a letter#
Ale9
Write the letter#
$y
$)/ typing letters#
(arrell
Sen& /e an e</ail#
*ary
Call the S4C 2 $t &epen&s on who is in the White 3o,se#
Eight now the cli/ate is s,ch that yo,r co/plaint will get
tosse&#
Bynne
64
(,0asperated! Are yo, going to %e 8,iet an& listen' (=overs
mouthpiece! Why won)t he listen to /e'
*ary
-es, yo, are a whistle%lower# B,t yo, &on)t hae
whistle%lower protection# Only goern/ent e/ployees get
whistle%lower protection ,n&er the law# *o p,%lic with it#
(anny
No one +eels sa+e#
(arrell
$ wore a con&o/#
*ary
$+ yo, were a wo/an an& yo, calle& Ti/e MagaAine, $ %et
they wo,l& protect yo,#
(Ciona stops talking and looks over at *ary)s ofice,
ofended at what he said. (er antennae stay up as she
returns to her call. Bynne puts her cell phone down at her
side and looks at *ary)s ofice too. She returns to her call.!
Bynne
Corget a%o,t what)s &e&,cti%le# -o, owe ten tho,san&
&ollars in %ac. ta9es#
Ale9
-es, $ can write the letter +or yo,# -o, get a +ree letter with
eery legal iss,e#
*ary
65
3ello' (@isconnects!
Ale9
-es, it is a great &eal#
$y
$ thin. Al<Lae&a is going to stri.e#
Ale9
We)ll een go to co,rt with yo, on the spee&ing charge# No
e9tra +ee# All part o+ yo,r /onthly /e/%ership#
(arrell
So the ne9t &ay, $ get Gowers with an anony/o,s car&# The
car& rea&s, 6Than. yo, +or a won&er+,l eening# Bet)s &o it
again real soon#7
*ary
3ello, 3elp $ncorporate&# Eet,rning yo,r call#
(arrell
$ &on)t .now which one o+ the/ sent the Gowers# There is
one that $ wo,l& really li.e to see again# She)s really hot#
The other one, not so /,ch# So, $ calle& the/ %oth# $ calle&
the hot one 0rst# O+ co,rse, yo, .now i+ $ than. her +or
sen&ing /e Gowers an& she &i&n)t sen& the/, $)/ hose&#
She)ll .now $ went o,t with another girl who sent /e
Gowers# So $ sai&, $ want to than. yo, +or the other night
an& $ want yo, to .now $ really appreciate what yo, &i&#
An& she &i&n)t .now what the hell $ was tal.ing a%o,t# $
tho,ght, +,c., it wasn)t her# Then $ calle& the other one an&,
66
s,re eno,gh, she sent the/# (+ause! No, she was ?,st a
?oyri&e#
*ary
Oh, $)/ sorry to hear that, sir#
Ciona
What $ s,ggest yo, &o is 0n& the receipt# That)s right, sir#
*oo&%ye# -o, &on)t nee& to .now /y na/e# 5,st call %ac.
an& as. +or 3elp $ncorporate&# (@isconnects!
Bynne
Call the $ES# They)ll help yo,# (+ause! -es, sir# (@isconnects!
*ary
Eacial pro0ling'
(Bynne enters Ciona)s ofice!
Bynne
Ciona, are yo, %,sy'
Ciona
(Shakes her head in e0asperation! $t)s ?,st one right a+ter
another with these people# No, Bynne, co/e in# (Bynne
shuts door#!
$y
$ can)t %eliee /y e9# 3e +orgot to pic. ,p Tyler a+ter school
again# (oudly! $t)s a iolation o+ o,r share& c,sto&y
arrange/ent# (She waits for an answer from one of the
67
lawyers. None is forthcoming#! Not to /ention the +act that
he neer has pai& /e a &i/e o+ s,pport#
*ary
-o,)re ass,/ing, sir, that Ara%s attac.e& ,s on MD>># $ .now
yo, are $n&ian an& 3in&,# -o, tol& /e that# The airlines can
&etain whoeer they want, an& they search eery%o&y#
(+ause! $t wasn)t Al<Lae&a# $t was the $sraeli Mossa&@
(+ause! That)s ?,st what the goern/ent tells yo,# Those
nineteen g,ys were $sraeli Mossa& &own to the last /an#
Ale9
((e has wandered into (anny)s ofice#! $ ?,st want to .ill
so/e o+ these losers#
(anny
((angs up.! Ale9, how are yo,, ol& sport'
*ary
Sir, $ra8 has neer attac.e& ,s# (+ause! Can yo, thin. o+ a
%etter way to stir ,p the Mi&&le 4ast'
((arrell disconnects from a call and walks into Aary"s ofice,
plops down in the comfy chair and shuts his eyes#!
No, sir# -e"re the attac.ers@ (@isconnects!
(Ale9 enters *ary)s ofice, pokes his head in to see what the
noise was, walks in.!
Ale9
Another roc.et scientist'
*ary
68
This g,y thin.s that %eca,se they loo.e& thro,gh his %ags
at the airport that he has a +e&eral ciil rights case# What
a%o,t yo,'
Ale9
My last caller has %een &riing on a s,spen&e& license +or
so long now that the police &on)t een %other to p,ll hi/
oer any/ore# They ?,st sen& hi/ a tic.et# So he &eci&e& he
wants to go o,t on Cri&ay night a+ter wor.#
*ary
(on)t we all#
Ale9
So, he says he has a%o,t one or two &rin.s# $n the real
worl& o+ non<3elp $ncorporate& /e/%ers that /eans at
least 0+teen %eers# 3e &ries ho/e an& they cloc. hi/ &oing
M0 in a F5 resi&ential Aone# They chase hi/ an& he hits a
par.e& car an& he)s seerely (;$# This is on top o+ the
s,spension they sent in earlier that night# (Ale9 has a good
laugh at this. (e looks at @arrell, who is asleep.! (arrell)s
wor.ing har&, $ see#
*ary
3e ?,st ca/e in an& ploppe& &own# That /an can sleep
thro,gh anything#
(Ciona walks past $y)s desk and directly into *ary)s ofice.!
Ciona
(o yo, hae a secon&' (She does not wait for a response.! $
hear& what yo, were saying earlier a%o,t wo/en on the
69
coer o+ Ti/e MagaAine# (on)t 2 tal. a%o,t things yo,
.now nothing a%o,t#
*ary
*et o,t o+ /y o:ice#
Ciona
$ &on)t want to hear it# 5,st &on)t say anything anti<wo/en,
an& &on)t tal. a%o,t things yo, .now nothing a%o,t#
*ary
(Rising! Bet /e e9plain so/ething to yo,# $ &o what $ want
an& : say what : want'
Ciona
No, yo, &on)t#
*ary
C,c. yo,# *o get yo,r NaAi %oy+rien& a green car&, yo,
st,pi& %itch#
Ciona
(/elling! -o, hae no i&ea what yo,)re tal.ing a%o,t@ -o,)re
?,st so st,pi& an& pre?,&ice& that $ &on)t .now where to
start#
*ary
-eah, an& yo,)re so s/art yo,)re &oing 3elp $ncorporate& at
age 0+ty instea& o+ %eing partner at a %ig &iorce 0r/# $)ll
70
tell yo, where to start# 3ow)s this' 3ow a%o,t get the +,c.
o,t@ (+oints to the e0it!
Ciona
Oh, that)s really cleer# At least that)s %etter than what yo,
tell the /e/%ers# (She storms out and of E#!
*ary
C,c. yo,, yo, pse,&o<intellect,al sea hag@
((anny enters *ary)s ofice#!
(anny
$ can co/e %ac. later 2
*ary
(on)t worry a%o,t her# Ale9 an& $ were ?,st tal.ing when
she %arge& in#
Ale9
(@oesn"t know what to make of all this.! Well, $ &on)t .now
a%o,t any o+ that, %,t we hae seeral /ore goo& lea&s on
cases +or when we &eci&e to leae an& start o,r own 0r/#
*ary
(i& yo, write the/ on yo,r list'
Ale9
$ &i&, along with their na/es an& SBs#
*ary
71
SBs'
Ale9
Stat,tes o+ li/itations#
*ary
(on)t start ,sing legalese with /e# $)e got eno,gh tro,%le#
Ale9
That will hit these %astar&s where they lie 2 steal all their
clients#
(anny
They are the li+e %loo& o+ a law 0r/#
*ary
-et, Mel an& Olier an& Norwin re?ecte& the/ as Title $$$
clients, while contin,ing to &raw a /onthly +ee +ro/ the/#
((e raises a fnger as if making a point.!
(anny
Title $$$ ta.es /oney# $t ta.es /oney to 0le a case in co,rt,
?,st li.e it &oes +or any lawyer# We hae the right to re8,ire
the client to pay those costs#
*ary
(anny, these people can)t een a:or& the /onthly +ee, let
alone tho,san&s in attorney)s +ees#
(anny
72
The na/e isn)t Cree Begal, it)s 3elp $ncorporate&#
Ale9
-o,r pre<pai& lawyers@
(anny
Well, that)s ?,st a selling tool# Boo., $ &on)t care a%o,t any
o+ that# $ ?,st want to %,il& ,p /y %ase o+ three h,n&re&
clients so $ can get o,t o+ this place an& start /y own
practice# $ ?,st rea& another %oo.#
Ale9
$s that the n,/%er now, three h,n&re&'
(anny
Well, it)s %een sai& %y /e/%ers, not our /e/%ers, %,t
/e/%ers o+ o,r pro+ession, that in or&er to r,n a ia%le
practice an& hae stea&y inco/e an& pay yo,r sta: an& not
stare, that yo, nee& three h,n&re& clients#
Ale9
Per 0r/'
(anny
Per lawyer#
*ary
That)s an i/possi%le wor.loa&#
73
Ale9
We &on)t een hae an o:ice#
*ary
Or &es.s, copiers, st,: li.e that#
(anny
We are %,il&ing a %oo. o+ porta%le %,siness#
Ale9
So that when we get o,t o+ this &ea&<en& ?o%, we hae a
rea&y</a&e client %ase#
*ary
$)/ still pisse& at Mel +or or&ering /e ta.e &own /y pict,re
o+ Harl Mar9#
Ale9
Well, that was a little e9tre/e#
*ary
$t was a state/ent#
Ale9
A state/ent that yo,)re a Co//,nist'
*ary
74
$t)s a ery profound state/ent that this co,ntry is %eing
t,rne& into a Co//,nist state# The eleation o+ the
proletariat, the ca%al<centric goern/ental state ,nit, it)s all
there# Oh, the steps are slow an& gra&,al as ,s,al, %,t they
are there nonetheless# -o, hae a &,/%e& &own /i&&le
class that thin.s 6Oh, it can)t happen here#7 B,llshit it can)t
happen here#
Ale9
Well, let)s get o,r piece o+ the action %e+ore that
hypothetical scenario happens#
*ary
Not hypothetical# Eeal# When the state is loo.e& to as +ather
protector, yo, hae the %eginnings o+ a ery real Co//ie
scenario, an& it is ,n+ol&ing right now#
Ale9
The goern/ent wo,l& neer let that happen#
*ary
The goern/ent is in on it' (on)t yo, see' An inept
Co//an&er in Chie+ %eing /anip,late& %y others, a willing
Congress an& a p,%lic that is eager to go along +or the ri&e,
whateer that /ay %e at the ti/e# A &esperate ,n&erclass 2
((e holds up the receiver#!
(anny
Controlle& %y &r,gs#
*ary
A&& it ,p#
75
Ale9
The p,%lic is t,rning against the presi&ent on the war#
*ary
That)s the preailing le+tist senti/ent# $+ yo, thin. that will
a:ect what the presi&ent &oes, yo,)re s/o.ing crac.#
Ale9
B,t we control all the /a?or cities, an& we hae installe&
o,r o%ligatory p,ppet &ictator#
*ary
That)s what yo, hear on the news#
Ale9
(on)t yo, %eliee the news'
*ary
Not a wor&# $ &on)t watch or rea& /ainstrea/ /e&ia# $+
so/ething i/portant happens, so/e%o&y will tell /e a%o,t
it#
(anny
-o,)re 8,oting Olier Wen&ell 3ol/es#
Ale9
-o, +orget a%o,t MD>>#
*ary
76
(o $' $ &on)t thin. so#
Ale9
The passengers on those planes, hea&ing to their &eaths#
*ary
The Pentagon &i&n)t get hit %y a plane# That was a /issile
attac.#
Ale9, (anny
-hatB
(anny
Where &o yo, get this st,:'
*ary
$sn)t it o&& that there)s all those ca/cor&ers, an& all those
people snapping pict,res 2 hell, the ca/eras all aro,n& the
Pentagon, the /ost protecte& an& watche& place on earth,
an& no one ca,ght it on 0l/' They got the 0rst Tra&e
Center attac. on i&eo in New -or.# The one they &i&n)t
een .now was co/ing# An& no one sees a plane Gy into the
Pentagon'
Ale9
$)/ s,re there are passenger lists, Gight &ata an& s,ch +ro/
the Pentagon plane#
*ary
3ae yo, seen it'
77
Ale9
No 2
*ary
(i&n)t thin. so# $t &oesn)t e9ist# The whole thing was /a&e
,p# Where)s the &e%ris'
Ale9
Only %eca,se $ haen)t so,ght it o,t# Boo., it was a plane,
all right# $)/ tire& o+ these conspiracy theories o+ yo,rs#
(+ause! $ re/e/%er when yo, ca/e to wor. here# -o, were
a goo& A/erican, Eep,%lican, %eliee& all the right things#
What happene&'
*ary
This place happene&# $)e tal.e& to all .in&s o+ goo&
A/ericans# $ +o,n& o,t that the aerage A/erican)s li.e the
+a/ily &og# 3e .nows where the %owl is, %,t he has no i&ea
how the +oo& got there# All the people = especially o,r
/e/%ers, care a%o,t is, how is the 8,arter%ac.)s .nee this
year, an& &o $ hae eno,gh %eer#
((arrell wakes up#!
(arrell
$s it 0e o)cloc.'
(anny
As soon as yo, /ention %eer, he awa.ens#
Ale9
78
*ary thin.s we)re t,rning Co//,nist in this co,ntry#
*ary
Not %y choice#
(arrell
$)/ not#
*ary
What &o yo, .now' All yo, care a%o,t is where yo,r ne9t
piece o+ ass is co/ing +ro/#
(arrell
$ alrea&y .now that#
$y
(,nters! S,Aette alert#
*ary
O.ay, than.s# S,Aette alert, g,ys# O,t, o,t# (*ary tries to
straighten up his desk a little. :t is fruitless.!
((anny returns to his ofice and checks his computer, starts
dialing. Ale9, (arrell and Bynne emerge from the ofices
they were in, dial their cell phones. Ciona dials another
number. $y remains on the phone. All mime talking.!
Ciona
3ello, 3elp $ncorporate&#
(anny
79
3ello, 3elp $ncorporate& ret,rning yo,r call#
Bynne
(+eeks in to see if *ary is there, waves! 3ello, this is 3elp
$ncorporate&#
*ary
3ello# Options &epart/ent, please# My na/e is *ary We%%,
acco,nt n,/%er one nine eight +o,r# $ want to or&er one
tho,san& Septe/%er p,ts on PP(# (S,Aette has entered
from B and is standing outside *ary)s ofice. Ale9, (arrell
and Bynne scatter and e0it E when she arrives. $y hangs up
and begins typing#! -es, $ .now it)s ris.y# What are they
tra&ing at' (+ause! *oo&# P,t /e &own +or one tho,san&
Septe/%er p,ts, goo& ,ntil 0lle&# Charge /y acco,nt#
Than.s# ((e disconnects. S,Aette pokes her head in the
door, enters, shuts door and sits in the comfy chair.
Throughout the ensuing conversation, $y listens at the
door.!
*ary
What can $ &o +or yo,, Miss S,Aette'
S,Aette
What was that all a%o,t'
*ary
$ ?,st %o,ght p,t options in the stoc. o+ a co/pany that one
o+ the /e/%ers wor.s +or# 3e gae /e in+or/ation that /ay
/ean the stoc. price is going &own#
S,Aette
80
3ow &o yo, /a.e /oney i+ the price goes &own'
*ary
(Rises! Sweetie, a p,t option 2 put option# $t /eans yo, can
sell at a certain price# ((e grabs S,Aette in a dancing
embrace.! $t)s calle& the stri.e price# ((e begins walt7ing
around the ofice with her. :t is co7y business.! $+ the stoc.
price +alls %elow the 2 ((e dips her, then resumes the
walt7! stri.e price, yo, hae the option o+ selling at the 2
((e dips her again, and resumes the walt7, much closer
now.! stri.e price# So yo, %,y at the lower price an& sell at
the higher price# *et it'
S,Aette
(Trying not to en.oy herself too much! What i+ the price goes
,p'
*ary
$+ the price goes ,p, the options e9pire worthless#
S,Aette
(She spins *ary around and pins him against his desk,
putting her right foot up on the desk.! $t so,n&s too ris.y#
*ary
(,n.oying S,Aette)s sudden dominance#! $t)s goo&
in+or/ation#
S,Aette
-o,)re ta.ing stoc. a&ice +ro/ o,r /e/%ers'
*ary
81
No, no 2 he &i&n)t .now he was giing /e a stoc. tip# 3e
calle& with a legal iss,e#
S,Aette
(She kisses *ary full on the lips. ! long, passionate kiss.!
That)s insi&e in+or/ation#
*ary
Not accor&ing to the S4C#
(Cinally, S,Aette releases *ary from the embrace. $y drifts
over to Ciona)s ofice, then to (anny)s, after hearing all of
this. She shuts the doors and whispers something to each of
them in turn. Then she returns to listening at the door.!
S,Aette
Boo. 2 $ type& so/ething +or Mel to&ay 2
*ary
Oh really, $ wasn)t aware that yo, type#
S,Aette
2 a con0&ential /e/o#
*ary
Not any/ore#
S,Aette
Be 8,iet +or a /in,te#
(*ary straightens up like a child and gives the 7ipped lip
signal#!
82
They)re loo.ing to en& the e9peri/ent#
(*ary throws up his hands and shakes his head. (e doesn"t
understand.! The &esignate& interr,ption entertainer
e9peri/ent# (*ary repeats the gesture#! They)re loo.ing to
%,st yo, &own to Title One attorney#
*ary
What'
S,Aette
With a correspon&ing re&,ction in pay#
*ary
What 2 why'
S,Aette
(=ounting of the charges! They sai& yo, hae ha& too /any
co/plaints against yo, %y /e/%ers, reports not 0le& in a
ti/ely +ashion an& lac.ing critical in+or/ation, inte/perate
o,t%,rsts 2
*ary
S,Aette, yo, .now how these /e/%ers can %e# They ?,st
tal. an& tal. an& tal. ,ntil yo, ?,st want to s/ac. the/ an&
say go back on your meds# $t)s insane# An& in the en&, we)re
not allowe& to &o anything to help the/ anyway# (+ause!
Who co/plaine&'
S,Aette
83
$)/ not here to tal. a%o,t yo,r co/plaints# $ ?,st wante& to
see yo, an& warn yo, in person that this is co/ing &own# $t
is a reco//en&ation /a&e %y Mel Siler hi/sel+ 2 to
McMillion#
*ary
WM .nows a%o,t this'
S,Aette
3e conceie& an& a,thoriAe& the e9peri/ent#
*ary
3e won)t %e happy to .now that 2 it +aile&# $ won&er i+ he)ll
%e happy to .now that $ lea.e& his little e9peri/ent to the
%,siness press#
S,Aette
(on)t &o that# They)ll 0re yo, +or s,re#
*ary
They wo,l&n)t# $)/ a whistle%lower# This co/pany is tra&e&
on the New -or. Stoc. 49change# Can yo, i/agine what the
sharehol&ers wo,l& thin. a%o,t the +act that (haughtily!
Willia/ McMillion hires corporate spies'
S,Aette
*ary, $ ?,st han&le the Title One attorneys# -o, are giing
yo,rsel+ too /,ch cre&it# No one in the press is going to
care a%o,t this#
*ary
84
They will# $ happen to .now this &iision is %eing sued %y
sales associates an& /e/%ers# The people are starting to
0g,re it o,t#
S,Aette
3ow 2'
(*ary rises, approaches S,Aette and puts his hand on her
shoulder.!
*ary
(oes Mel .now a%o,t ,s'
S,Aette
$ haen)t sai& anything#
*ary
3e /ight %e ?ealo,s#
S,Aette
$ tol& yo, it was oer %etween /e an& Mel#
*ary
$ .now#
S,Aette
Anyway, it was a long ti/e ago# 3e)s /oe& on#
*ary
As hae yo,# (S,Aette thinks about this.!
85
S,Aette
*ary, what &o yo, see in /e'
*ary
(on)t yo, .now'
S,Aette
No#
($y strains to hear. !s Ciona rises and walks over with a
stack of papers, $y returns to her desk and resumes
typing.!
*ary
$t)s the se9# $t)s a se9 thing# $t)s incre&i%le#
(They kiss.!
(#lackout!
Act Two
Scene Three
((arrell, Ale9, (anny, Melo&y, Bynne, Ciona and $y are all
in *ary)s ofice C# (arrell sleeps in the comfy chair. Ale9 sits
in *ary)s chair. (anny, Melo&y and Bynne manage to mill
about in this smallish space. Melo&y has adopted a beatnik
persona and wardrobe. Ciona and $y stand .ust outside the
door of *ary)s ofice#!
Ale9
What)s ta.ing so long'
86
(anny
We)e all ha& co/plaints#
Ale9
3e see/s to hae /ore o+ the/, tho,gh# These /orons get
to hi/#
$y
$ hear hi/ sla/ the phone an& swear a+ter eery single call#
C,c. yo,@ Sla/@ Hiss /y +,c.ing ass@ Sla/@ C,c.ing nigger@
Sla/@
Ciona
$ hae hear& it too#
Bynne
(To $y! Why haen)t yo, sai& anything'
$y
Beca,se he)s c,te#
Melo&y
B,t he)s /ine, an& yo,)re /arrie&# That /a.es hi/ o:
li/its# (+ause! The partners sho,l&n)t /a.e hi/ s,:er#
(anny
4ery%o&y who tal.s to these people on the phone all &ay
long is going to r,n into yo,r pro%le/ /e/%ers (The others
87
hear that (anny is about to lecture them again and attempt
to silence him, but he perseveres and continues with his
speech over their catcalls and comments.! C,rtis, $srael an&
A%ra/son &on)t .now %eca,se they hae neer %een on the
phone with a /e/%er 2
Ale9
(o yo, %la/e the/'
(anny
2 an& it)s the sa/e people, ti/e a+ter ti/e, year a+ter year#
With e9perience, yo, learn who the pro%le/ /e/%ers are
an& yo, aoi& pic.ing ,p the call#
Melo&y
3ow)s his legal a&ice'
Ale9
Mel, $ hear& hi/ telling a /e/%er that the ;#S# sho,l& not
go into $ran %eca,se the E,ssians hae n,.es there#
Melo&y
See/s pretty so,n& to /e#
Ale9
The loser was calling a%o,t a +oreclos,re#
(anny
88
B,t yo, see, we get these calls when it)s +ar %eyon& the
point where legal a&ice wo,l& %e o+ any %ene0t# They)e
screwe& ,p their lies# Most o+ the/ hae /ental pro%le/s#
Bynne
They can %e helpe&# $t)s o,r &,ty to help the/#
Ale9
3ow can yo, stan& it %etween the loser /e/%ers an& Olier
an& Mel treating ,s li.e little .i&s'
(anny
(!dopting a cheap #ritish accent! (on)t +orget Norwin#
Ale9
3e isn)t really 3#$# 3e &oesn)t r,n it, &oesn)t care a%o,t it,
&oesn)t .now anything a%o,t it#
Melo&y
3e .nows it when the chec. co/es in#
(anny
The partners get pai& no /atter what# They are not parties
to the recent /e/%er an& associate laws,its, an& wo,l&n)t
%e lia%le in any eent# They hae +o,n& their cash cow an&
they will neer let go#
Melo&y
(o the laws,its hae a chance to stic.'
Ale9
89
Ten states so +ar# -o, .now how these class actions go#
4eryone ?,/ps on the %an&wagon# $nstant /erit# $t won)t
%e long %e+ore eery%o&y wants a piece#
Melo&y
$t was a /atter o+ ti/e#
(anny
We hae a retire/ent plan#
Ale9
Wow, ten percent o+ nothing pai& into a N0>H that loses
/oney# $)/ going to start pic.ing o,t con&os in T,r. an&
Hai.os#
(anny
Not that retire/ent plan#
Ale9
What then'
(anny
O,r secret client &ata%ase 2
Bynne
What'
Ale9
(ooks at (anny, unsure whether he should proceed and
reveal their plans. (anny nods#! $t)s li.e this# We hae
esta%lishe& a law o:ice where we han&le all o+ the &ecent
90
cases that co/e thro,gh here# When we get eno,gh clients,
(anny, *ary an& $ %rea. o: an& +or/ o,r own practice# Cor
real#
Bynne
Why not han&le the cases thro,gh this o:ice'
Ale9
The partners re?ecte& the/#
(anny
Too /,ch wor., not eno,gh rewar&#
Bynne
What a%o,t hi/' (+oints at (arrell!
Ale9
3e)s enor/o,sly in&i:erent#
(anny
We can)t get a l,ci& wa.ing /o/ent o,t o+ hi/ that &oesn)t
inole alcohol, wo/en or rate /y poo &ot co/#
Ale9
Pl,s he has his tr,st +,n&# 3e &oesn)t nee& to wor.#
Melo&y
3e)s really ta.ing a&antage o+ his priilege& stat,s#
91
Bynne
$t)s ,nethical# An& %esi&es, i+ it is a la%or<intensie, rewar&<
&,%io,s proposition +or the partners, isn)t it /ore so +or
yo,' $ /ean, with +,ll<ti/e ?o%s an& eerything' An& yo,
hae to gie the partners part o+ yo,r +ee#
Ale9
No, we &on)t#
(anny
There are so/e goo& cases that co/e thro,gh here that the
partners throw away# We)re si/ply ta.ing a little /ore o+
the ris. than they are willing to# What &o yo, say, Bynne'
Bynne
(She thinks about all of this for a moment.! (o what yo,
want# $)/ o,t#
Melo&y
$)ll &o whateer *ary)s &oing#
Ciona
$)/ o,t# $ want less wor., not /ore# $)/ +ar too %,sy here#
(*ary enters from SE#!
(anny
3ey, how)& it go'
(*ary glares at $y!
*ary
92
(oes eery%o&y .now $ ha& a /eeting with the partners'
$y
Not eeryone is here to&ay#
($y returns to her desk, picks up phone and begins
chatting. Bynne and Ciona return to Ciona)s ofice and shut
the door. Melo&y approaches *ary, embraces him and kisses
him passionately, actually backing him against his own
desk, which he grasps for balance. Melo&y then abruptly
e0its SE#!
Melo&y
Can)t 2 resist 2
*ary
$ ha& no i&ea $ was this pop,lar# ((e hovers over (arrell for
a moment, claps his hands.! Beer@ (*ary then glares at Ale9
and gestures wildly.! *et o,t o+ /y chair@ (Ale9 scurries out
from behind *ary)s desk, but remains in his ofice.!
(arrell
(Slowly regaining consciousness.! What ti/e is it'
*ary
3appy ho,r, let)s go#
(anny
Ale9 an& $ were ?,st e9plaining Plan B +or escape +ro/ 3ell
$ncorporate& to so/e o+ the la&ies#
93
(arrell
Are yo, &,&es still thin.ing a%o,t a start ,p'
(anny
-o,r na/e)s on the letterhea&#
(arrell
-o, &,&es are too a/%itio,s# $)/ telling yo,# Ei&e this shit
o,t +or a +ew years, &o their little &ance, sae so/e &o,gh,
then go o,t on yo,r own#
(anny
We tho,ght we ha& /oney# /our /oney# Are yo, no longer
co//itte& to 3elping 3an& $nternational'
(arrell
The na/e alone will get yo, s,e&# $t)s too close to 3elp
$ncorporate&# Not to /ention the +act it so,n&s li.e a relie+
organiAation#
Ale9
Besi&es, we nee& clients#
*ary
A/ $ 2
(anny
3elp is help# -o, can)t tra&e/ar. it#
94
*ary
2 interr,pting so/ething'
(arrell
$ tho,ght we were going to 3appy 3o,r#
Ale9
-es, let)s go# *ary'
*ary
$)e 2 got to stic. aro,n& +or a +ew /in,tes#
Ale9
Meet yo, at PP(#
*ary
Wait# (anny, let)s go oer to yo,r o:ice# This place is a sty#
A&/itte&ly#
(They e0it, enter (anny)s ofice.!
(*ary looks around to make sure no one is listening. (e
draws the others closer.!
They .now#
(anny
What'
*ary
95
The partners .now a%o,t o,r little si&e %,siness#
Ale9
(Severely, with disbelief! No#
(arrell
$ tol& yo,# Too &eriatie# Not ethically so,n&# Act,al work#
$ .new it was a %a& i&ea +ro/ the start#
*ary
Any i&eas on who st,c. the .ni+e in o,r collectie %ac.'
((anny and Ale9 eventually settle on (arrell#!
(arrell
Whoa#
(anny
-o,r pessi/is/ has not gone ,nnotice&# $ always s,specte&
there was a /ole on this Goor# $s this how yo, get %y with
&oing so little wor.'
(arrell
$ get as /any closes as yo, &o# Tro,%le with yo, is, yo,
really try to help these people#
(anny
We all hae o,r own styles, an& 2
(arrell
96
$t)s legal +ast +oo&# Sere the/ an& /oe on to the ne9t
oerweight, oer/e&icate&, oerspen&ing loser#
Ale9
$ want to &o /ore than gie these people a Ban&<Ai&#
*ary
Eeally'
Ale9
-eah, $ want to %ill /y stones o: at a h,n&re& an& 0+ty per
ho,r#
(anny
Boo., we all hae o,r own styles# $ %ill /y stones o:
%eca,se $ can tal. +or ho,rs on en&, incessantly, a%o,t
anything# 4erything else is ol,/e# This place was
s,ppose& to s,pply ,s with the ol,/e o+ cases we nee&#
*ary
(on)t yo, g,ys get it' We)re on o,r way o,t@
(arrell
What &i& Mel say, e9actly'
*ary
3ow &i& yo, .now $ /et with Mel' $ &i&n)t say $ /et with
Mel#
(arrell
97
All 3#$# /eetings o+ conse8,ence are with Mel# Norwin is
?,st in it +or the /oney an& Olier ?,st han&s o,t coo.ies
an& springs +or one<thir& the cost o+ piAAas one &ay a /onth,
in recognition o+ sta: %irth&ays# (+ause! (,&es, $)/ o,t o+
here# Acc,se /e i+ yo, want# Bla/e yo,rseles# -o, were
a%o,t as &iscreet as Melo&y is a%o,t *ary# (No one
responds.! $+ any%o&y wants to go to 3appy 3o,r, $)ll %e in
/y o:ice loo.ing at Eate My Poo &ot co/#
(anny
What is that'
Ale9
(!mused! $t)s a we%site with ,n%eliea%ly %ig shits#
(anny
Co/e on, (arrell# We)re ?,st %,sting yo,r stones a little# $)e
got %eer in /y o:ice#
(arrell
$)ll %e &own# ((e stomps of!
((anny produces bottles of beer for the three of them. (e
sits, followed by *ary and Ale9 in chairs. They drink.!
Ale9
What &i& he say'
*ary
Mel sat /e &own an& he %ro,ght S,Aette in# $ &on)t thin. he
was concerne& a%o,t the si&e %,siness so /,ch as he was
98
a%o,t /y attit,&e with the /e/%ers# 3e sai& $)e receie&
co/plaints an& he ha& S,Aette r,n &own a list o+ the/#
(+ause!
Ale9
4ery%o&y gets co/plaints#
*ary
$ /entione& that# $t see/s the +re8,ency has the/
concerne&# $ trie& to step ,p /y closes (Suddenly, *ary
begins goose2stepping around (anny)s ofice like a Na7i,
and Ale9 .oins in.! an& as yo, .now, /e/%er co/plaints are
&irectly proportional to the n,/%er o+ call %ac.s# (They stop
the goose2stepping. Ale9 has pulled something.! $t)s a
/athe/atical certainty#
Ale9
$ call it the 6loser ratio7#
*ary
Anyway, $ co,l&n)t &eny it# Any o+ the/#
(anny
(#ecoming the alpha male, father fgure again! Well,
eery%o&y here gets co/plaints# We all react &i:erently to
this type o+ wor.# The ol,/e, the constant str,ggle to 0n&
a legal iss,e in the incessant &roning on an& on a%o,t
nothing# (on)t let these people get to yo,# $ tol& yo, that
a+ter si9 /onths, yo, wo,l& either settle in +or the long ha,l
or yo, wo,l& +all o: the /ap# (on)t let the/ get to yo,#
Ale9
99
$)/ so sic. o+ these +,c.ing losers thin.ing they hae the
right to co/plain a%o,t /e#
*ary
B,t anyway, he went on a%o,t the /e/%ers# -o, .now their
na/es# They call here eery &ay %eca,se, 2 oh, $ &on)t
.now 2 they got a tic.et +or ,rinating in p,%lic or so/e
local politician is corr,pt or 2 so/e police o:ice is
+ollowing the/ aro,n& ?,st %eca,se they hae twenty
o,tstan&ing arrest warrants#
(anny
-o, sho,l& .now to aoi& /e/%ers who are on the screen
eery &ay# Bet the new /eat ta.e their l,/ps with the li+ers#
A+ter si9 /onths, yo, sho,l& .now what to aoi& an& what is
going to gie yo, the least a/o,nt o+ tro,%le#
Ale9
-eah, yo, nee& to %alance %etween 8,antity an& 8,ality#
*ary
So, is this %a&'
(anny
$)e neer hear& o+ Mel /eeting with an attorney to &isc,ss
co/plaints# They are a +act o+ li+e here# -o, get people who
are pre&ispose& to co/plain in the 0rst place, an& yo, sell
the/ a +or,/ to air their grieances an& get them f0ed#
Then they 0n& o,t they hae to pay /ore to hae ,s
represent the/' $t)s a olatile co/%ination#
*ary
100
Well, he &i&n)t see/ so concerne& a%o,t &ierting /e/%ers
to o,r own 0r/# 3e ?,st /entione& it, an& s,ggeste& we
stop#
(anny
My ,n&erstan&ing is that they)re loo.ing +or the /illion
&ollar case they can retire on# As long as we &on)t steal that,
they /ight leae ,s alone#
Ale9
No, the three stooges li.e that /oney co/ing in +ro/ the
contract eery /onth# So/ething else is going on in that
cr,ci%le o+ an o:ice that we &on)t .now a%o,t#
(=urtain!
Act Three
Scene One
(Mel, Olier and Norwin stand in *ary)s ofice. Norwin is
hunched over *ary)s computer terminal, pressing buttons
frantically on the keyboard and clicking the mouse,
watching the screen intently. Mel goes through papers on
*ary)s desk. Olier stands in front of the desk and eats from
a bo0 of cookies he is holding.!
Olier
We hae to 0re hi/# $ &on)t see any other way#
Mel
"irt,ally eery call he han&les res,lts in a co/plaint# 63e
re+,se& to help /e#7 6$ +elt li.e he wasn)t listening to /e#7
63e swore at /e#7 An& then yo, try to con+ront hi/ a%o,t
these co/plaints an& he ?,st sits there an& loo.s at yo,#
101
Olier
With that %lan. stare#
Mel
Bi.e he &oesn)t .now what yo,)re tal.ing a%o,t# An& he
gies yo, this attit,&e#
Olier
3e won)t gie me attit,&e#
Norwin
S,re, %eca,se yo, %ring hi/ coo.ies once a /onth#
Olier
No, he won)t een try that shit with /e# $ ?,st raise /y oice
a little an& he cal/s right &own# 3e)s a p,ssy# (Takes a big,
disgusted bite out of a cookie.! These things are giing /e a
s,gar high# ((e begins aimlessly moving *ary)s books
around in an attempt to clean of the bookshelf. (e ends up
making it worse.!
Mel
3e)s %a& +or %,siness# We nee& to tell McMillion his
e9peri/ent +aile&# 3is /an on the insi&e +ell in with the
proletariat# Or the %o,rgeoisie# $)/ not s,re which#
Olier
Whicheer one /eans loser#
Norwin
102
*,ys 2 he)s got porn on here#
Olier
$s it the sa/e site $ go to'
Mel
3is pro&,ction has &roppe& o: tre/en&o,sly# 3e leaes ,s
no choice#
Olier
Mel, $ hate *ary We%% as /,ch as any%o&y, %,t are yo, s,re
yo,)re not letting personal /atters inG,ence yo,r &ecision'
$ /ean, he was %anging S,Aette in this o:ice#
Norwin
On the goo& chair#
Olier
T,rn the c,shion oer#
(Mel complies, gingerly lifts a corner of the big cushion and
4ips it over, then pushes it into place with his foot.!
Mel
Me an& S,Aette are oer# $t was a long ti/e ago# She can
see whoeer she wants# As +ar as $)/ concerne&, S,Aette
was a ?oyri&e#
Norwin
$n the /i&&le<age& Eange Eoer o+ li+e#
Mel
103
Well, %e that as it /ay# (+ause! O+ co,rse, $ a/ not a%oe, in
a&&ition to 0ring o,r associate, r,ining his personal li+e#
Norwin
(irty pool@ No +air@ The eil, ,n&erhan&e& partner i/poses
his will on the yo,ng associate corr,pte& %y the syste/@
What &i& yo, hae in /in&'
Mel
Well, we hae his %ac.gro,n& 0le# Ass,/ing all that
in+or/ation is still ali&, we can ,se that so/ehow#
Olier
We can)t hae o,r spies t,rning against ,s, yo, .now#
Mel
May%e a call to his girl+rien& 2
Olier
A %a& re+erence# ((e gets disgusted, spilling books onto the
4oor. (e begins picking them up and returning them to the
shelf.!
Norwin
A con0&entiality agree/ent'
Olier
-es, yes#
104
Mel
Shall we +ollow o,r nor/al ro,tine, &o what we always &o'
Olier
$)ll get the hats@ (,0its B!
Norwin
$ will hae S,Aette call McMillion, an& patch hi/ in here +or
a con+erence call# (,0its B!
Mel
-es, patch hi/ in here# (Mel moves to behind *ary)s desk,
where Norwin was, and presses a few buttons.! -es, *ary, $
see +ro/ the pornography on yo,r co/p,ter that yo, are
s.ille& in the internet arts a+ter all# 3a& yo, +orgotten that
we recor& eery wor&, eery .eystro.e' Or &i& $ neglect to
tell yo, that' So/e o+ these girls loo. pretty yo,ng#
(Shaking his head.! No, that si/ply won)t &o# (-anders out
from behind *ary)s desk, down C! Oh, *ary# -o, were in
oer yo,r hea&# A &eprae& little prole in the worl& o+ /en,
with yo,r sor&i& past o+ a:airs an& insi&er tra&ing# 3ow
long &i& yo, thin. it wo,l& last' -o, wante& to gri+t the
gri+ters# -o, +orgot that McMillion has perpet,ate& the
greatest pyra/i& sche/e in the history o+ the help in&,stry#
O,r /e/%ers hae pai& an& 2 re<pai& +or legal 2 what
a/o,nts to legal serices, sol& ,n&er the g,ise help +or
pennies a &ay# They can hae access to top pro+essionals in
the 0el&, ,naware that we hire losers who can)t een 09
their own lies# We gie the/ a&ice on how to wrec. their
lies een /ore# Money is +,nnele& ,p to the top slots in the
corporation, 6in&epen&ent7 %ranches o+ a central r,ling
%o&y# We hae collectiiAe& the practice o+ help# -e &o it +or
the /oney an& the power, +or that trip to "egas twice a year
+or o,r ann,al pep rally# We ta.e the associates we can
105
tolerate personally# The ones who .now 3elp $ncorporate&
is a sca/ %,t play along anyway# We li.e that# Those people
will go +ar in this organiAation# (!side! They can .eep their
?o%s# Pity yo, co,l&n)t wor. with ,s, *ary# -o, were %eing
groo/e& +or partner# B,t yo, threw it away on ethics# Eeal
help# A twiste& iew o+ who really r,ns the worl&#
McMillion ("#O#!
Who &oes r,n the worl&, Mel'
Mel
(Taken aback! Why, yo, &o, Mr# McMillion#
(+ause. #oth Mel and McMillion erupt into laugher as Olier
enters from B, wonders what they are laughing about.
Norwin enters *uickly behind. Mel sees the two and goes
solemn and low2key, his usual state. They clearly rarely see
Mel laughing. McMillion, in voice over, remotely gives a few
leftover chortles, then stops abruptly.!
Olier
$ +o,n& these# ((e holds up cheap party hats, distributes
one each to Olier and Mel# Olier returns to the bo0 of
cookies he had left on *ary)s desk, begins devouring
cookies. Soon he is pacing back and forth *uickly.!
McMillion ("#O#!
(ai&, is that yo,' -o, li/ey %astar&@
Norwin
$t)s Norwin, sir#
McMillion ("#O#!
106
Oh yes, $ +orgot a%o,t the na/e change#
Norwin
$t throws people o:, sir# An& yo, yo,rsel+ can e/pathiAe, sir#
McMillion ("#O#!
$n&ee&# (+ause! $s eery%o&y here'
Olier
(+acing! -es sir, $)/ here#
McMillion ("#O#!
$s this a sec,re line'
Mel
-es, o+ co,rse#
McMillion ("#O#!
Well then 2 apparently we hae so/e sort o+ pro%le/ with
the (esignate& $nterr,ption 4ntertainer'
Mel
-es, he is not wor.ing o,t as we ha& planne&, sir#
McMillion ("#O#!
$ see +ro/ yo,r /onthly reports that his pro&,ctiity is
+alling o:# 49planation'
Olier
107
(Still pacing! 3e has t,rne& against eery%o&y# 3is
e/ployer, the /e/%ers# 3e see/s to hae %eco/e +rien&ly
with the sta:#
Mel
Too +rien&ly# An& in one e9tre/e case, too +rien&ly with
/anage/ent#
Olier
(To Mel! We consi&er S,Aette to %e a /i&<leel s,perisor
with certain e9ec,tie priileges#
McMillion ("#O#!
Wo,l& that %e the sa/e S,Aette who acco/panies yo, to
Bas "egas eery year, Mel'
Mel
(!bruptly! -es sir#
McMillion ("#O#!
Accor&ing to hotel s,reillance, Mel, yo, an& S,Aette were
&ating, is that correct'
Mel
(Shrinking! -es#
McMillion ("#O#!
*rante&, that was ten years ago# (+ause! What &i& she &o,
tra&e yo, in +or a yo,nger /o&el' ((e laughs, along with
Norwin and Olier!
Norwin
108
(=omposes himself under Mel)s glare! $+ $ /ay, sir, we /ay
hae /a&e the (esignate& $nterr,ption 4ntertainer too
&arne& irresisti%le to the la&ies#
McMillion ("#O#!
No%o&y made hi/ %,t /e#
Olier
3e t,rne& coat, sir#
Mel
With yo,r approal, sir, $ wo,l& s,ggest a layo: &,e to loss
o+ %,siness# $t always wor.s as an all<p,rpose re/e&y in
these sorts o+ cases# A layo: wo,l& re/oe any hint o+
will+,l /iscon&,ct +ro/ the e8,ation an& it wo,l& sae
McMillion 4nterprises +ro/ haing to e9plain why it 0re& a
corporate spy#
McMillion ("#O#!
-o, &on)t thin. he will raises this iss,e hi/sel+ in a
ter/ination procee&ing witho,t any pro/pting'
Mel
We wo,l& not oppose s,ch a procee&ing#
McMillion ("#O#!
$)/ not paying ,ne/ploy/ent to so/eone we entr,ste&
with co/pany secrets, who sta%%e& ,s in the %ac.# (#eat!
We will ta.e care o+ this in the ,s,al /anner# $ will
i/ple/ent Agen&a Twenty<One#
109
Olier
(Stops eating. (is mouth is full of crumbs.! We what'
McMillion ("#O#!
-o, all hear& /e# $ will /a.e the necessary arrange/ents 2
&ate, ti/e etcetera# -o, three /a.e s,re the Goor is clear
when the ti/e co/es#
Mel
B,t sir 2 $t won)t &o to hae one o+ o,r o:ices seale& o:
with yellow tape#
McMillion ("#O#!
Melly, Melly, Melly# (o yo, really thin. $ wo,l& let that
happen# (#eat! $t)s 0nal# Now, i+ there is nothing else, $ hae
a gol+ &ate with a +e&eral ?,&ge# *oo&<%ye# (oud click!
Norwin
Well, that)s rather &irect, isn)t it'
Mel
O,r tas. is clear#
Olier
(#ouncing around the 4oor in a nervous panic.! All right, all
right, yo, hear& McMillion# Bet)s get the propagan&a
/achine rolling# $)ll call in S,Aette an& e9plain things to her#
Mel
110
-o, &on)t thin. she)ll %e ,pset when she 0n&s o,t'
Olier
We tell her *ary is /entally ,n%alance&# Which he is#
Mel
$ &on)t .now a%o,t this#
Olier
$+ we &on)t hol& ,p o,r en&, McMillion will ter/inate the
contract# So/e other 0r/ will get the McMillion /illions,
the trips to "egas, the +ancy o:ices, the con&os in T,r. an&
Hai.os# (o yo, want that'
Mel
No#
Olier
-o,)re the one who)s always tal.ing a%o,t ta.ing that ne9t
step ,p# $nto the elite# This is a chance +or ,s to proe o,r
/ettle# $+ we han&le this right, we are on the A<list# We)ll %e
li.e roc. stars# ((e trips and falls face2frst into the comfy
chair.!
Norwin
(o yo, thin. he will inite ,s to Bohe/ian *roe +or
acation'
Olier
(Somewhat muDed! Bet)s not get carrie& away#
111
Mel
-o,)re tal.ing a%o,t %eing part o+ a 2 conspiracy#
Olier
(Rights himself with considerable dificulty.! Well, what &o
yo, thin. the contract is' 3elp $ncorporate&' -eah, right#
Norwin
A pyra/i& sche/e in the g,ise o+ a h,/anitarian o%?ectie#
$t is a ciil conspiracy# OrganiAe& the+t#
Olier
Only &i:erence is, it /a.es ,s rich an& the law is /arginally
on o,r si&e#
Mel
Well, $)/ on %oar&, &on)t worry a%o,t that# We)ll get a nice
Christ/as %on,s this year +or s,re# (-ith awe! Agen&a
twenty<one#
Olier
O.ay then, gentle/en# Bet)s a&?o,rn# Things hae a way o+
/oing pretty +ast once we get the call# (All prepare to
leave.! Bet)s reconene at noon#
Mel, Norwin
O.ay#
Olier
112
$ hate wor., %,t $ loe haing /y na/e 0rst on the
letterhea&# (They e0it B!
($y)s head pops up from underneath her desk. She is
ashen. She paces back and forth in front of the ofices,
wringing her hands. Ciona enters and eficiently moves
about her ofice, which remains a sty, comparable to *ary)s#
$y enters Ciona)s ofice.!
$y
-o, won)t %eliee what $ ?,st hear&#
Ciona
3ae yo, %een loo.ing ,n&er yo,r &es. +or yo,r pencil
again'
$y
(+ays her no mind! $ thin. the partners are getting rea&y to
2 0re *ary#
Ciona
What are yo, tal.ing a%o,t'
$y
$ ?,st hear& the three wise /en in *ary)s o:ice tal.ing to
#ill ?c?illion, an& they were tal.ing a%o,t taking care of
Aary@
Ciona
Bill McMillion was on the phone with the partners'
$y
113
-es#
Ciona
$n *ary)s o:ice'
$y
-es# (+ause! $ .now yo, two &on)t get along# $ wish yo,
wo,l& /a.e ,p#
Ciona
(=oldly! $ really &on)t care what he thin.s o+ /e# $ ?,st want
to co/e in an& &o /y ?o%, an& go ho/e# $ &on)t /a.e waes,
$ &on)t socialiAe, an& the partners loe /e# An& i+ they want
to 0re *ary, it)s their prerogatie# 3e &eseres it, i+ yo, as.
/e#
$y
Co/e on, $ li.e haing happy people aro,n& /e#
Ciona
$)/ 0ne with things the way they are# $t)s not /y pro%le/ i+
he has iss,es#
$y
-o, ta.e three /onths a year o:#
Ciona
$t)s all pai& +or#
$y
114
What'
Ciona
(on)t tell anyone#
$y
$)e got to help hi/# $ can)t sae his ?o%, since it)s the
partners who are inole&, %,t /ay%e $ can gie hi/ so/e
a&ance warning#
Ciona
Are we &one' $)e got to start calling /e/%ers#
$y
(:n disbelief! -es, than.s Ciona#
($y e0its Ciona)s ofice. *ary and (anny enter from E# -e
hear Ciona calling as the two enter. They are in the middle
of a conversation.!
Ciona
3ello, 3elp $ncorporate& 2
(*ary and (anny enter (anny)s ofice, switch on the lights.!
*ary
2 i+ we were allowe& to &o /ore +or the /e/%ers %esi&es
call the/, the serice, $ thin., wo,l& %e a lot /ore
worthwhile# As it stan&s, they are selling this 3elp pac.age
to the ,ns,specting, ,n&er the pretense that we as Title
One associates can &o /ore +or the/ than we act,ally can#
115
(anny
Oh *ary# So &el,&e&# -o, act,ally thin. the syste/ is set ,p
to help# $t)s set ,p to make money# They want so/e%o&y li.e
Ciona, who closes lots o+ cases#
*ary
-o, &on)t &o that# $)e seen yo, spen& +orty<0e /in,tes on
the phone with /e/%ers# -o, go into co,rt with the/#
(anny
$+ they nee& /e to#
*ary
(on)t the partners an&, ,/, S,Aette &eci&e that' ;n&er
Title Three' O+ the contract, $ /ean'
(anny
No, no, no# They &on)t &eci&e# : &eci&e# B,t yes, the
partners wo,l& rather hae twenty Cionas, closing their
%alls o:# (Slight pause! $+ she ha& %alls# Well, yo, .now
what $ /ean#
*ary
$ thin. she pisses with the seat ,p, i+ that)s where yo, were
hea&e& with that# Ciona nee&s to %e %ent oer a &es. an&
plowe& +ro/ %ehin&# (*ary mimes this.! The *ree.s li.e
that, $ hear#
(anny
116
She)s typical 3elp $ncorporate&# Ce/ale in her 0+ties, can)t
0n& wor. anywhere else# $t)s the en& o+ the line +or /ost o+
the/#
*ary
3ow a%o,t /e an& yo,'
(anny
We nee& to 0n& an alternatie to this type o+ wor.# We)ll
neer %rea. into the /ar.et +ro/ here#
*ary
We co,l& ,nioniAe the Title One associates#
(anny
$ &on)t want to hear a%o,t that# The partners will sn,: that
o,t# 5,st &o yo,r ?o%, an& i+ yo, hate it that /,ch, 0n&
so/ething else#
*ary
-o,)re pro%a%ly right# (#egins to e0it (anny)s ofice&
(anny
O+ co,rse $ a/#
(*ary e0its, enters his ofice, begins to go through his
morning routine with considerable dread. $y rushes in,
checks to see if anyone is around.!
$y
117
$ hae so/ething to tell yo,#
*ary
What is it' Sit &own, sweetie#
($y sits in the comfy chair.!
$y
Ooh, $ co,l& +all asleep in this thing#
*ary
Many hae# 49cept /e, o+ co,rse#
$y
Bisten, $ thin. the partners are getting rea&y to fre you#
*ary
What' Sshhh@ (!ttempts to *uiet $y as she continues.!
$y
The partners were in here 2
*ary
O,tsi&e@ Now@
$y
Why'
*ary
5,st 2 o,t, please#
118
(#oth *ary and $y step out into the hall, down C!
$y
What)s going on' $ wante& to spea. to yo, in priate#
*ary
My o:ice /ay not %e entirely secure#
$y
What &o yo, /ean'
*ary
Tr,st /e# (-hispers! They p,t a ca/era in there#
$y
No way# -o, get paranoi& /,ch'
*ary
They .now eerything $)e &one since $ got here#
$y
A%o,t yo, an& S,Aette'
*ary
-es 2 yes, how &o yo, .now a%o,t that'
$y
$ .now eerything# Or at least $ tho,ght $ &i&#
119
*ary
So yo, .now 2
$y
A%o,t yo, an& Melo&y too# S,re $ &o# 4ery%o&y .nows that#
$t)s ancient history# Melo&y was han&ing o,t we&&ing
initations#
*ary
An& a%o,t 2
$y
-o,)re little si&e %,siness# O+ co,rse# Ale9 was haing /e
type his letters#
*ary
(Thinks for a moment! Shit# C,c.# No o:ense#
$y
$)/ a secretary to twenty attorneys# There)s not a lot going
on that $ &on)t .now a%o,t#
*ary
Well, what were they saying'
$y
They sai& they were going to take care of yo,#
*ary
120
May%e yo, /isinterprete&# What were yo, &oing' Bistening
thro,gh the wall'
$y
They ha& Bill McMillion on spea.er phone@ (+ause! $ ,se& to
+eel %a& a%o,t eaes&ropping, %,t now that $ .now they spy
on ,s, $ &on)t#
*ary
$y, can we tal. a+ter wor., away +ro/ the o:ice'
$y
S,re# Why'
*ary
$ nee& to tal. to yo, a%o,t why $ was hire& here# B,t $ ?,st
&on)t tr,st anyone any/ore#
$y
What a%o,t S,Aette'
*ary
$ thin. S,Aette)s playing %oth si&es# ((e considers this for a
moment.! She sat /e &own with the partners an& they tol&
/e they .now eerything# The hae s,reillance,
eerything# They recor& o,r phone calls#
$y
121
Can $ as. yo, so/ething'
*ary
S,re#
$y
Why &on)t yo, an& Mary hae any .i&s'
*ary
What &o yo, /ean'
$y
-o,)e %een together a long ti/e# Why haen)t yo, ha& any
.i&s'
*ary
We)re not een /arrie&#
$y
So' $)e ha& +o,r .i&s witho,t eer %eing /arrie&#
*ary
$ &on)t .now i+ $)& %rag a%o,t that#
$y
$)/ not %ragging# That)s ?,st how it is#
*ary
122
Neertheless, we hae /a&e a conscio,s choice not to hae
any#
$y
-o, ?,st &on)t want anything to inter+ere with play ti/e# -o,
&on)t want the responsi%ility#
*ary
What' What is this a%o,t haing .i&s all o+ a s,&&en' 3ey,
yo, hae an o:ice here +,ll o+ swinging &ic.s# Tell the/ to
go hae .i&s# /ou go hae /ore .i&s#
$y
They)re not throwing away their lies#
*ary
An& $ a/' Bet /e tell yo, so/ething# The goern/ent
wants yo, haing .i&s, it 2
$y
2 oh, the goern/ent 2 that)s goo&#
*ary
Sh,t ,p@
$y
No, $ won)t sh,t ,p@
*ary
123
They want yo, haing .i&s# 3ell, they)ll een gie yo, a ta9
%rea.# That way, they .now yo,)re going into &e%t, %,ying a
ho,se, st,c. in a ?o% yo, hate, chaine& to the stat,s 8,o,
a+rai& to spea. o,t, to &o anything new or &i:erent# They
plan on it#
$y
-o, hae no responsi%ility# What &o yo, .now'
*ary
-o,)re a secretary# -o, .now nothing a%o,t responsi%ility#
$y
Eight, an& %eca,se yo, hae a &egree, yo, &o#
*ary
Two@ $ hae two &egrees 2
$y
So what'
*ary
2 an& $ hae to tal. to +,c.ing /orons all &ay long an&
listen to insane %a%%ling 2
$y
So &oes eery%o&y else here# $ &on)t hear the/ co/plaining#
*ary
124
2 an& $ can get s,e& %y any one o+ the/ at any ti/e, an&
C,rtis $srael 1 A%ra/son listen an& watch eerything $ &o,
an& they p,t 8,otas on /e# $ wor. in a +,c.ing s,ici&e
preention mill, circa >M>0# This place is a sweatshop@
(+ause! -o, &on)t hear the/ co/plaining' Eeally' ($y
suddenly is crying. *ary places a hand on her shoulder.! $)/
sorry# $)/ not s,re why, e9actly, %,t $)/ sorry# (+ause!
Bisten, let)s get o,t o+ here at l,nch# We)ll go to PP(#
$y
$ &on)t ,s,ally cry# $)/ ?,st going thro,gh so /,ch with
(aniel)s +ather an& $ 2 ha& to lash o,t 2 yo, ?,st &on)t
see/ to care a%o,t anything#
*ary
$ &o, tho,gh# (+ause! -o, .now, i+ yo, weren)t co//on law
/arrie& with +o,r .i&s, an& $ &i&n)t hae a girl+rien& an&
two /istresses 2
$y
(on)t let that stop yo,# (>isses *ary)s cheek! See yo, at
l,nch# (She e0its E!
(#lackout!
Act Three
Scene Two
(*ary, (anny, Ale9 and (arrell are seated in (anny)s ofice,
(anny behind his desk. :t is late in the day. The lights have
been turned down on the rest of the stage and there is
background music courtesy of a boom bo0, which dominates
(anny)s desk. All are holding drinksE Ale9 and *ary have
beers. (anny has a glass of wine, and a bottle on his desk.
(arrell has a mi0ed drink.!
*ary
125
$ &on)t %eliee it#
(arrell
(own in Ga/es# $ warne& yo, g,ys#
*ary
What was it, e9actly'
(anny
One o+ the /e/%ers went to Mel with a co/plaint a%o,t
one o+ ,s, an& spille& eerything 2 o,r engage/ent letters,
o,r +ee agree/ents, eerything#
Ale9
Sho,l& hae .nown one o+ these +,c.ing losers wo,l& t,rn
against ,s# (Rises and begins pacing around the ofice.!
(arrell
-es, yo, sho,l& hae#
(Melo&y and Bynne enter from E and (arrell rises to greet
them. They e0change pleasantries.!
Ale9
We co,l& lose o,r licenses#
(anny
This is typical when yo, go o,t on yo,r own +ro/ an
esta%lishe& practice#
*ary
126
3ow wo,l& yo, .now' -o, wo,l& hae %een happy getting
yo,r ten closes a &ay, getting pai& slae wages an& going
ho/e, neer really giing any%o&y any real help#
((arrell and Melo&y begin dancing to the music down B#
Bynne .oins the group in the ofice. Ale9 continues pacing#!
Ale9
C,c. these losers# They t,rne& on ,s# They ratte& ,s o,t#
((e punches the wall, which hurts his hand.!
(anny
$ was happy &oing those things# See/s to /e we neer
/oe& on this i&ea %eyon& the &isc,ssion stage ,ntil yo,
ca/e to the 0r/ an& starte& stirring things ,p#
*ary
$ &i&n)t stir anything ,p# $t was yo,r i&ea# -o, ca/e to /e
with it, so &on)t acc,se /e o+ getting anyone 0re&# (Rises
and confronts (anny!
Bynne
Who got 0re&'
Ale9
(To no one in particular, imitating Olier! So/e o+ these
people ?,st want so/eone to tal. to# -o,r gran&/other can
han&le /ost o+ these calls# $t)s ?,st li.e The Baw an& -o,# $)&
li.e to see Mel or Olier or Norwin &o what we &o all &ay
eery &ay#
(anny
127
They &on)t hae to# They ?,st lie o: the contract# They)ll &o
whateer it ta.es not to hae to sit an& tal. to the /e/%ers
on the phone# (To *ary! Sit &own#
*ary
No# ((e leans over the desk and pushes some papers of
(anny)s desk. (anny rises and the two begin shoving over
the desk. Ale9, (arrell, Melo&y and Bynne intervene#!
(arrell
C,t it o,t, yo, two# -o, want to get ,s thrown o,t o+ the
%,il&ing, too'
Bynne
What happene&'
*ary
Nothing#
(anny
(Sits! The partners +o,n& o,t a%o,t o,r si&e %,siness# We)re
&one#
*ary
Sshhh 2
(anny
What' We)re all +rien&s here#
Bynne
One o+ the /e/%ers tol&'
128
(anny
That)s what we hear#
Bynne
3ow &o yo, .now it was one o+ the /e/%ers'
(Melo&y starts to pull (arrell back out into the hall. She
begins slow dancing with (arrell even as he tries to listen.!
*ary
Mel ha& /eetings with ,s an& tol& ,s# This is %eing sent to
McMillion +or an inestigation#
Bynne
An inestigation %y who'
(anny
Who .nows' So/e co/pany o,t o+ O.laho/a#
Ale9
Ollie %etter watch o,t# $+ $ see hi/ o,t on the street a+ter
this $)ll tear his +at hea& o:#
Bynne
Which /e/%er'
*ary
$ &on)t .now# $t co,l& hae %een any%o&y#
Bynne
129
May%e it was 8,ality control#
(anny, Ale9
Who'
Bynne
L,ality control# 4ery so o+ten so/eone +ro/ corporate will
call a proi&er 0r/ with a phony hypothetical an& see how
we &o o,r ?o%, ren&er help, &elier the pro&,ct# They rate ,s
Title One attorneys in&ii&,ally an& the 0r/ gets rate& as a
whole# (+ause! $t)s in the contract#
Ale9
The +,c.ing contract#
*ary
Who rea&s the thing'
(anny
$)e rea& it# $ .now parts o+ it er%ati/#
*ary
Well, great# Bot o+ goo& the contract &oes ,s now# While yo,
all are +eeling so .nowle&gea%le a%o,t o,r c,rrent
pre&ica/ent, there)s so/ething that pro%a%ly escape& yo,r
notice#
Bynne
What'
*ary
130
(o yo, people .now why $ was hire& here at C,rtis, $srael 1
A%ra/son'
Ale9
To sit an& listen to losers whine all &ay#
(anny
To help people#
Bynne
To a&/inister the contract#
*ary
-es, (+oints at Ale9! no, (+oints his middle fnger at (anny!
/ay%e# (points at Bynne! B,t there originally was another
reason#
Bynne
What'
*ary
$ was hire& to spy on all o+ yo,#
(All stare blankly at *ary for a moment, then
#lackout!
Act $$$
Scene Three
(*ary sits in his ofice, feet up on his desk. No one else is on
stage. (eath enters from up C# (e is tall and sepulchral, in
131
his 56s, and wears wire2rim glasses. (e is dressed in
business attire. *ary remains seated casually with feet up.!
*ary
$)/ sorry, are yo, loo.ing +or so/eone'
(eath
-es, $ a/#
*ary
A lawyer'
(eath
$ loo. +or /any lawyers# To&ay $ happen to %e loo.ing +or
yo,# Mr# *ary We%%, is it not' ((e removes a gun from the
breast pocket of his suit and a silencer from his pocket,
begins screwing on the silencer.!
*ary
$ thin. yo,)re /a.ing a /ista.e# $ 2
(eath
Nope, no /ista.e#
*ary
Who are yo,'
(eath
132
$ &on)t thin. it /atters, %,t yo, can call /e Eon# Eon Bister#
$)/ sec,rity, McMillion *lo%al 4nterprises, assigne& to
i/ple/ent Agen&a Twenty<One#
*ary
Agen&a Twenty<One' -o,)re +ro/ the ho/e o:ice' $)/
getting o,t o+ here@ ((e rises, Eon fres the gun and *ary
grasps his left kneecap and screams. (e falls to the
ground.!
Eon
(Nonchalantly! That)s what $ li.e to see# (o $ hae yo,r
attention now' (+ause, as Eon listens to *ary scream for
help.! Screa/ all yo, want# The Goor has %een cleare&# -o,r
+rien&s, (anny an& Ale9, hae %een ter/inate& +or iolating
the contract# -o, are a special case, Mr# We%%# (i& yo,
thin. yo, co,l& get away with what yo, &i&'
(*ary reaches for the phone. Eon kicks *ary)s arm away
and yanks the cord from the wall. *ary grasps his knee and,
in obvious pain, manages to sit up beside his desk. (e
comports himself .ust well enough to speak.!
*ary
There)s going to %e %,il&ing sec,rity ,p here in a%o,t thirty
secon&s#
Eon
Who' That +at g,y who sleeps on his stool all &ay
&ownstairs an& &oes wor& search p,AAles' Please# (*ary
screams, and Eon en.oys himself for a moment.! -o, .now
what' This is going to %e a /essy s,ici&e#
*ary
133
S,ici&e' -o, 2 shot /e in the .nee@ An&, an& 2 $)/ still
alie 2 an& 2
Eon
Soon#
(*ary reali7es Eon is going to kill him. (e rises and limps
pitifully toward Eon, who flls the space in the doorway.
*ary swipes at Eon, who fends of the blow with his gun
hand. *ary swipes with his right hand, but Eon parries the
blow and then pushes *ary over with his gun hand, aims
the gun and shoots *ary# *ary grasps the other knee.!
There# A /atching set@ (Eon looks around the ofice, picks
up ob.ects and books aimlessly.! (o yo, want to hear /ore
i/pro%a%le eents' -o,r +rien& (arrell is getting a
pro/otion# O,r e9ec,ties sleep all &ay an& roll into the
o:ice aro,n& three# $t)s his &rea/ ?o%# We /a&e Bynne a
partner +or e9posing yo,r little sca/, een tho,gh we .new
+ro/ s,reillance# She has a great legal /in&# S,Aette' She
t,rne& yo, in# -o, co,l&n)t han&le the %etrayal an& the
heartache, so yo, shot yo,rsel+ in the hea&#
*ary
No@
Eon
We can spin this any way we want' (i& yo, thin. yo, co,l&
tell people the tr,th' -o, were here to help ,s help the/#
No one wante& to hear that political shit# $+ so/eone wante&
to /a.e a +ast %,c. with so/e phony +all &own, or got
rippe& o: %y so/e sca/ artist, yo, gie the/ a %an& ai&#
B,t no, yo, ha& to t,rn cr,sa&er on ,s# This is how we &eal
with cr,sa&ers#
134
#lackout
Then, a gunshot.
=urtain
The ,nd
135