A Birth Day Story.

On 20
th
December 2004 I gave birth to two little boys: Louis Jae and
Xavier Rae. I didnt know there were two babies in my belly until Louis
popped out and Sally, my midwife said wow hes so small for a tummy of
your size and thinking something might be wrong called Theresa, the
backup midwife to come in and check it out. Theresa took one look at me
and then at little tiny Louis and said to Sally feel her belly theres
another baby in there.

And, of course, there was. Little Xavier Rae. Hiddden so no one could find
him. 8 months of silence and anonymity. Only known to his brother and
the occasional passer by who would look at my belly and say, Wow are you
having twins? Youve got such a big belly! and I would laugh back, no of
course not! Im just small so my belly looks big for my build.

Sally never picked it up. Shed come over to my house each month and
listen to my babys heart beat, feel its shape and say ,yep its all
beautiful. Then float a way in her beautiful Sally, midwifey kind of way.

The head obstetrician at King Edward didnt pick it up. He put one of
those electronic-heartbeat- hearing machines against my belly and only
heard one heartbeat. He measured my belly and only felt one baby a
perfect size in a good positiona homebirth, he said should be fine.

And I chose not to have an ultrasound, which would have told us all. I just
never saw the point. I was pregnant and having a baby. Thats all I needed
to know.

And so it was at 2 am on the 20
th
of December my waters broke.

I freaked out. Not because I had water gushing out of me, but because
my baby was coming too early. A couple of days before, Id told Sally
about my feeling that my baby was coming soon, and she suggested I ask
it to wait til after Christmas otherwise shed be unable to deliver it at
homeCommunity Midwifery Programme regulationsbefore three weeks
early and the birth must be in a hospital. My baby was due on the 17
th
of
January. It was coming four weeks early and I didnt want to give birth in
a hospital.

So, for a while I sat in the corner of our kitchen with a blanket around
me shaking .

Nik, my partner, who always has so much faith in whatever is happening,
told me not to worry and started skimming through some of the
pregnancy and birthing books that were scattered around the house to
see if I should be panicking or not. We decided I didnt need to panic yet.
Sometimes womens waters broke and it took over a week for them to
give birth. Maybe that would be the case for me. I wasnt feeling any
contractions yet. Maybe my baby would wait.

I asked Nik to call Sally anyway, just so I could be reassured that
everything was O.K

Sally came over and felt my belly. It was definitely a big enough baby,she
said. Could we have got our dates wrong maybe? I told her the doctor at
King Edward gave the 10
th
of Jan as the official due date, not the 17
th
which luckily for us meant we could change the dates on the Community
Midwifery forms to bring my birth into the three week bracket. My baby
was now coming two hours within the homebirthing regulationsId be
able to give birth at home.

And after being reassured of a home birth, I started getting
contractions. Just lovely little cramps at first, which Sally let me be
with. She was going home to get some sleep, suggesting I should get some
too. I was to call her when they get closer and stronger.


I loved being left alone.

I didnt sleep. Nik did, which was good because Id need him later.
All I wanted to do was go outside and have a little walk.

It was still dark and oh so quiet..only a few very early morning magpies
starting to sing their song. I walked to the little park just down the road
from my house. Its a beautiful little park full of old peppermint and
eucalyptus trees. It felt a bit strange being there all by myself at that
time of day and to anyone watching me it would have looked strangea big
bellied woman in a long purple velvet dress, walking then stopping, walking
then stopping as waves of contractions flowed through her. When I felt
pain I would stop and ask the earth beneath my bare feet what to do with
it. The answer would always be, send it down, send it down, push it back
into the ground, and as I walked around the park thats what I
practiced doing. It felt amazing to feel my contractions get stronger and
respond to them in a way that made them become easier to be with. Its
as if the earth was taking my pain..and in return giving me strength. We
were birthing this baby together and I felt so grateful for this
understanding.

I started heading home as the sun was coming up. My contractions were
becoming too strong for me to feel comfortable on my own. I felt I
needed Nik. I woke him and told him that my baby would be coming soon
and we should probably call Sally. We also needed to think about the
logistics of the birth. We had nothing preparedno plastic, no tub, no
baby blankets, no nappiesI hadnt even thought about where in the house
I wanted to do it.
All I knew was that I was having a babythe where, the when and the
how, I figured would just happen in their own way.

And they did.

Sally arrived and began transforming my bedroom into a birthing space. I
didnt want Nik to leave me, so he called his brother Simon to collect the
tub and buy plastic from Bunnings. I called my sister Nicole who lives in
Armadale and she drove down with blankets, sanitary pads, buckets, wise
words and anything else we needed . She also brought her two and a half
year old girl Amara, who was a blessing to have around, especially when
contractions were intense. Shed hold my hands and make me laugh,
helping me stay light and distracted.

Until, of course nothing could distract me. I began moving into this space
a few hours after Sally arrived. All sorts of things would be happening
around me.but I would not be a part of it. All I was, was a bodya naked
body, with a task to do. Nik was there in my worlda rock for my body to
lean onand Sally, somewhere in the background. guiding when needed,
but mostly silent and trusting. Everything else was in what seemed a
different time and space. I loved this bubble around me. It felt so safe
and reassuring and I knew my baby would be happy coming into this world.

It just had to get there and that for me, didnt mean pushing it out, it
meant working with the baby to help it come out. I was just the vehicle,
just the babies shell and I always trusted my baby would know how to
come out on its own. This understanding helped me a lot, because I never
felt I had to do anything, I just had to feel what was going on and
respond, without trying to think too much. So when big contractions came
Id moan and groan and everything else, but Id also know that they were
the necessary motions of my babys passage into the world and even
though theyd hurt like hell it was best to just let them be there.

When my bottom felt like it was going to split in half, Id try to imagine
huge open spaces..oceans, deserts, the sky. and bring the imaginings into
my body to help it do the same. I didnt need to pushthe baby was doing
thatI just needed to open the passage and help make the journey easy.

And use my man. After all he put the baby in me, surely he can help get
the baby out. Poor Nik, he was dragged to the floor with me as my babys
head began to show. His body became a part of minea similar feeling to
when we make love. I was so grateful for his maleness, for his body, for
its strength. It helped me deal with the physical pain that could have
easily overwhelmed me.

I never ended up using the tub. Firstly it never got filled in time and
secondly I didnt want to take my feet off the ground. The last thing in
the world I wanted to do was float in water. I needed the earth to bring
this baby down. We needed to stay connected

And from standing, holding on to Nik, feeling my baby about to emerge,
Id move down lower, lower, lower. breathing and deep, belly groaning.
Ooh the beautiful sounds of birthing.. occasionally Sally joining in too
moaning and moving down, downthis baby and I..down, down to the
center of the earth

And then out

Pop!A shock almost..all squidgely and slimey and white
Is it O.K?
Its a hebut so smallthis baby , hes so small.
Oxygen..just a bit.
Anxiety somethings strange
BackupTheresa..has birthed many babies. Quick check ..yes, the babies
O.K ..just little..how strange.
Hold on look at bellycheck Sally, feel itI thinks theres another baby
in there..

A moment of silence and stunned looking faces.
I didnt know what was happening.

Sally does something to my belly, then checks inside me for a head and
yes, theres another baby on its way down.
Its heart beat is fine, position is great.
My heartbeat is crazy, Wheres Nik?
Nik is white
He looks at me and I look at him. We cant have two babies weve only
got one

But no time to think about that

More contractions. I dont think I can do this again, I tell Sally.

Yes you can voices answer and the focus is back. Nik is with me and we
birth the next baby.

Its easier this time. Most the work has been done and this baby is eager
to be here.

He slips out and screams. A very strong voice and bigger than baby
number one.

I lie back exhausted. Cushions support me and two babies are placed on
my chest. Little mouths seeking nipples. Baby one finds one first and
sucks straight away.hes so tiny and floppy..I feel a bit scared.but then
see how he knows what to dohow to livealready. I can trust him to
survivehe keeps sucking.

Number two finds it harder. Gets frustrated at the nipple. Cant get it in
his mouth at first and just screams. But then slowly he learns and begins
to calm downand the whole room calms down with him.

Two babies sucking
Both breasts consumed.
Woman unable to move.

An hour later the placentas come out, the chords are cut, babies
measured and weighed, and placed back on mum. Mums hungry and fruit is
fed to her. She cant feed herself - shes got no free hands. Shes thirsty
too. Nik pours water in her mouth. It dribbles down her chest a bitshes
not used to someone else doing things for her
Get used to it, Theresa says, all you must do for the next few months is
feed these babies and stay fed yourself.

My work is set out.

Two babies, not one.my bodys completely bound.

Nik takes a baby off me. Number two..and weve called him Xavier.
Number one is fast asleep in my arms. His name is Louis.
These were the only two names that everyone (me, Nik, his son Oscar and
daughter Eloise) had liked during my pregnancy. Funny there just
happened to be two boys to fit them.

Two babies. Not one...how will I carry them both?

Eloise has a hold of Louis. Shes scared I think..hes so small.
Amara, wants to hold them both and feed them and bath them and kiss
themwe explain how she has to be gentletheyre so very little and
precious.

My mum comes in. Shes driven up from Bailingup and no one has told her
whats happened. They are back in my arms, covered in blankies. She
doesnt see two, only one.
A boy, she asks? ,
Yes I say,but.two, not one.
What?
Two boys, mumIve had twins.. and someone pulls the blankets back to
show a second baby.

Mums face is beautiful. So raw. Such pure, pure shock. She looks at me,
kisses my forehead and for the first time since their birthing, I burst
into tears.

Two babies, not oneId had no idea.

No dreams, no visions, no strange movements inside. Not even a thought
during my pregnancy of I wonder what it would be like to have twins.
Two babies was not part of my consciousness.

My unconscious maybe. A few weeks earlier Id cut a large piece of blue
cheesecloth in half and hemmed the edges to make two baby blankets.
This was the only thing Id done during my pregnancy in preparation for
the baby coming. Some part of my being knew what was happeninga sign
right in front of my face. But to me, they were two blankets for my
babynot a blanket for my babies.

Sally said how lucky I was not to have known. Things would have been so
totally different. Probably a hospital. Probably drugs. Probably fear.
Probably incubaters. Probably bottleswho knows. Twins are considered a
high risk birth and precautions are taken in the medical world. Thank god
my babies protected themselves. Thank god they were good at hiding.

So many things to be grateful for.A beautiful birth. Two wonderful
midwives. A perfect partner. Two beautiful babies

I eventually rose from my birthing space and was helped to the toilet. My
body felt fine, so lightquite lovely. The only pain was when weeing. A bit
grazeda bit sore.

I sat down in the lounge whilst my bedroom was cleaned. The unused tub
packed away. Plastic chucked out. Towels put in the wash. Placentas
wrapped up and put in the fridge for later- Sally would cut them up into
tiny pieces so I could eat them if I needed to.

Things were happening all around methe outside world that had
disappeared during the birth became reality again and I was now in it, but
this time with two babies. How different everything felt.

Oscar came home with his girlfriend Kiara and had his first hold as big
brother. His hands looked so big against their tiny bodiestheir smallness
scared me a bit.

Because they were so little, ( Louis 2.1 kg and Xavier 2.4kg) Sally asked
that we keep a record of when they fed, slept, weed, and pood just to
make sure all was O.K .She also suggested we carry them close to our
bodies, preferably against bare skin so they stay warm and secure. We
used two bits of ribbing crossed over to make a pouch and the boys lived
in these for the first few months of their lives.

It would always be we now. Nik was suddenly a full time parent. Any
notion of Tani will have a baby and Ill be able to get on with her stuff
was no longer feasible. Oscar, Eloise, my sisters, my parents, nicks
mother, friends.. all became part of an amazing baby loving team that
has enabled Louis and Xavier to thrive as happy healthy boys.

Special women have been there as well, to remind me that all is O.K.
Thats perfectly normal, theyd say with a hug at times when Id be
freaking out. The most beautiful words..youre doing just fine would help
me feel sane again. Thank god other women have birthed babies too and
understand the transitions of motherhood.

Ive been lucky to have so much support cos at times Ive found it
incredibly hard. Ive breast fed my babies when they want, how they
want. Sometimes this has driven me crazybut Ive wanted my babies to
have their own hunger patterns, not ones designed for conveinence. Ive
let them sleep when theyre tired and wake when theyre ready. Different
rhythms at times- one boy sleeps, the other wakes - at least one baby on
me all day and all night. Other times theyre in synch. Both sleeping at
once, and the woman can get some space. In my spaces Ive swum in the
river, had a walk, or eaten food. Always something for my bodygiving
back so it can keep on going.

The shock, I thinks been the hardest part. Adjusting my mindspace from
one baby to two. Coming to terms with not being able to take my baby and
go where I want, do what I want for a day I always need to come back
home..theres another baby there.

My sister Nicole had a video camera at my birth and captured the
moment we found out Xavier was coming. Watching it is intense for me
..my stomach flutters and my heartbeat increasesthe experience is still
so fresh. There is an expression on my face after the boys have come out
of total bewilderment I am smiling, but not really there.

A year after my boys birth, I feel this expression might be leaving me. I
think Im almost ready to accept myself as the mother of two babies, not
one. Its taken a while and quite a few tears, but also many moments of
joy. After all, theres two babies..thats double the love and the cuddles
and kisses and fun.

I thank my two babies for choosing me as their mum. I thank them for
not telling me. I thank them for all that they make me becomefor all
that they make me transform. I thank them most of all for the smile I
have now..a real smile of a mother in love who is here.

Happy 1
st
Birthday my beautiful boys

Xxx love your mum