Handout Master

CONFLICT RESOLUTION
TRAINERS MANUAL
12 Skills
Handout Masters
2nd edition
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Course Evaluation
1. My major aims or outcomes for doing this course were: _____________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
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2. In what ways did the course meet these? ________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
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3. In what ways did the course not meet these?______________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
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4. Things I consider the leaders did well were:______________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
!. "hat things would you ha#e $referred to %e done differently regarding the course
and course leader? ___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
&. 'ther comments and suggestions: _____________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
(. )ow would you rate the course o#erall?
*Tic+ one,
- ./cellent - 0ery good - 1ood
- 2atisfactory - 3nsatisfactory
4ame *o$tional,:______________________________________________________
Thank you.
4o fee re5uired to re$roduce this $age if this notice a$$ears:
6 The 7onflict 8esolution 4etwor+ 9' :o/ 1;1& 7hatswood 42" 2;!( <ustralia
9h &1 2 =41= >!;; ?a/ &1 2 =413 114> email crn@crnh5.org we%: www.crnh5.org
Running Conflict Resolution Courses H.I. 1
Levels of Conflict Exercise
7hoose a recent conflict in#ol#ing you. It could %e anything from a minor discomfort to a
huge crisis.
"hat is it? *e.g.: AThe $ro%lem with )elen and the $hotoco$ierB, ______________________
Discomfort <re you mulling o#er the situation %ecause it is not sitting 5uite
right with you?
____________________________________________________
"hat are your feelingsthoughts a%out it?
2o farC ha#e you said 5uite little a%out it?
Incident 7an you $oint to one or se#eral s$ecific occasions in which you
clashed on this su%ject?
____________________________________________________
"hat was said that was u$setting?
Misunderstanding Do you %elie#e the other $erson has misinter$reted your
feelingsC moti#es or res$onsi%ilities? )ow?
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
7ould you %e misinter$reting the other $ersonEs? )ow?
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Tension Do you now hold a negati#e stance towards this $erson? _______
Does each new interaction confirm your $oor o$inion of himher?
In what ways?
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Crisis )as a major e/$losion occurred? __________________________
"ere e/treme measures threatened? "hat?
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
"ere e/treme measures e/ecuted? "hat?
Understanding Conflict H III.1
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
"as the outcome constructi#e or destructi#e? In what ways?
____________________________________________________
Levels of Conflict
Discomforts
Incidents
Misunderstandings
Tension
Crisis
9erha$s nothing is said yet.
Things donEt feel right. It may %e
difficult to identify what the $ro%lem
is. Do you feel uncomforta%le a%out
a situationC %ut not 5uite sure why?
)ere a shortC shar$ e/change
occurs without any lasting internal
reaction. )as something occurred
%etween you and someone else
that has left you u$setC irritated or
with a result you didnEt want?
)ere moti#es and facts are often
confused or mis$ercei#ed. Do
your thoughts +ee$ returning
fre5uently to the $ro%lem?
)ere relationshi$s are weighed
down %y negati#e attitudes and
fi/ed o$inions. )as the way you
feel a%out and regard the other
$erson significantly changed for
the worse? Is the relationshi$ a
source of constant worry and
concern?
:eha#iour is affectedC normal
functioning %ecomes difficultC e/treme
gestures are contem$lated or
e/ecuted. <re you dealing with a major
e#ent li+e a $ossi%le ru$ture in a
relationshi$C lea#ing a jo%C #iolence?
Behaviours in Conflict
Specific examples of
behaviour
Strengths
(long and short term)
Weaknesses
(long and short term)
o! it affects the
people involved
o! it affects the
problem
?I1)T:I winFou lose
1.
2.
3.
?light: I loseFou win
1.
2.
3.
?low: I win Fou win
1.
2.
3.
9h. &1 2 =41= >!;; ?a/ &1 2 =413 114> .mail: crn@crnh5.org "e%: www.crnh5.org
The Win/Win Aroach H.1.1
Fight, Flight, Flow: Some Behaviours
"I#T$ %ggressive
I win Fou lose
"&I#T$ 'assive
I lose Fou win
I lose Fou lose
"&(W$ %ssertive
I win Fou win
ControlC demand. Submit to anotherEs $ower. Share po!er or wor+ towards it.
'unishC reward. )esign to the situation. *nfold the opportunit+,
-ulldo.e to $unishC
to refuse to deal with otherEs needs
and concerns.
Withdra! to a#oidC
to refuse to deal with
own needs and concerns.
"ithdraw to consider needs and
concerns of self and others.
)eturn to address the issue as
a$$ro$riate.
/xplodeC dum$ing res$onsi%ility on
the other $erson and denying
ownershi$ of any $art of the $ro%lem.
Suppress at least to the other
$ersonC the distress felt.
Contain discomfort carefullyC if you
choose now to deal with it at a more
a$$ro$riate time.
Manipulate while a$$earing to
com$romise.
Surrender own needs in
hasty com$romise.
Seek agreement which is fair to all
in#ol#ed.
When Win/Win Seems Impossile
2ometimes a winwin outcome seems im$ossi%le. )owe#erC a$$lying a
winwin a$$roach e/$lores the $ossi%ilities in the situation. It may result
in une/$ected outcomes.
Situation 0 Situation 1
Identify two
situations where
winwin seems
im$ossi%le.
"hy does winwin
seem im$ossi%le?
"hat are the
o%stacles?
Mo#ing towards a
winwinC consider:
)ow can the
o%stacles %e
remo#ed?
7an a win %e
redefined?
"hat can re%alance
a loss?
"hatEs the long
term $ers$ecti#e?
GGGGGG?
GGGGGG?
"hat une/$ected
!in2!in outcome
may concei#a%ly
occur?
!e" Features of the Win/Win #pproach
#( -%C3 T( 4//DS,
Concentrate on approach not outcome
"in"in solutions are not always $ossi%le.
Maintain an attitude of res$ect for all $arties.
:e willing to fi/ the $ro%lem.
Take a broader perspective
"hat are the longHterm and shortHterm conse5uences of winlose?
"hat are the ad#antages of winwin?
Identify many o$tions and de#elo$ the ones that gi#e e#eryone more of
what they need.
8eHdefine what constitutes a win.
"hat can %e done to %alance a loss?
Make it eas+ to sa+ +es
'ffer o$tions that are of high #alue to
them and easy for you to gi#e.
Iisten to and ac+nowledge their
needs and concerns.
The Win/Win Aroach H.1.!
"ocus on the issue
)ard on the issueC easy on the $erson
"hat are the needs
"hat are the concerns
-e persistent
Ta+e a long term #iew.
Maintain dialogue or its $ossi%ility.
?ly winwin flags.
Support !hat is legitimate and fair
8esist greed and injustice.
<#oid infringing your own and othersE rights.
ST)/4#T/4 5(*) (W4 %'')(%C )%T/) T%4 W/%3/4I4# T/I)S,
The Win/Win Aroach H.1."
$erfection an% &iscover" #pproaches
"hen how we $ercei#e oursel#es and others...
G is judged against
'/)"/CTI(46
we are dri#en %y
rightwrong
judgements
failures
unwillingness to
ris+
an/iety
?832T8<TI'4
G is o$en to
DISC(7/)56
we are moti#ated %y
in5
uirycreati#ity
acc
e$tance
lea
rning
will
ingness to ris+
e/c
itement
?<
27I4<TI'4
Does a disco#ery a$$roach close off the search for e/cellence? 4ot at
allJ "e start %y ac+nowledging how we feel a%out a situation and then
loo+ for what we can learnC for %etter ways of doing thingsC for new
doors that are o$ening in the future. :eing willing to ris+ is more li+ely to
6The 7onflict 8esolution 4etwor+ 9' :o/ 1;1& 7hatswood 42" 2;!( <ustralia
Creati#e Resonse H2.1
achie#e e/cellence than a model of $erfection which is limited %y a
definition of whatEs right and how $eo$le ought to %e.
<da$ted from Thomas 7rum The Magic of Conflict *4F: 2imon K 2chusterC 1=>(,
6The 7onflict 8esolution 4etwor+ 9' :o/ 1;1& 7hatswood 42" 2;!( <ustralia
Creati#e Resonse H2.2
Behavioural St"le 'uestionnaire
1i#es $riority to detail and
organisation
2ets e/acting standards
<$$roaches tas+s and $eo$le with
steadiness
.njoys research and analysis
9refers o$erating within guidelines
7om$letes tas+s thoroughly
?ocuses attention on immediate tas+
Ii+es accuracy
Ma+es decisions on thorough %asis
0alues standard $rocedures highly
<$$roaches wor+ systematically
Ii+es to $lan for change
Total:

G..
G.

G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
___
___
1i#es $riority to achie#ing results
2ee+s challenges
<$$roaches tas+s and $eo$le with clear
goals
Is willing to confront
Ma+es decisions easily
Is +een to $rogress
?eels a sense of urgency
<cts with authority
Ii+es to ta+e the lead
.njoys sol#ing $ro%lems
Luestions the status 5uo
Ta+es action to %ring a%out change
Total:
G..
G..

G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
___
___
1i#es $riority to su$$orting others
.njoys assisting others
<$$roaches $eo$le and tas+s with
5uiet and caution
)as difficulty saying no
0alues coHo$eration o#er com$etition
.ager to get on with others
"illing to show loyalty
7alms e/cited $eo$le
Iistens well attenti#ely
9refers others to ta+e the lead
1i#es $riority to secure relationshi$s
and arrangements
9refers steady not sudden change
Total:
G..
G..

G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..

G..
G..
___
___
1i#es $riority to creating a friendly
en#ironment
Ii+es an informal style
<$$roaches $eo$le and tas+s with
energy
.m$hasises enjoying oneself
8ates creati#ity highly
9refers %road a$$roach to details
Ii+es $artici$ating in grou$s
7reates a moti#ational en#ironment
<cts on im$ulse
"illing to e/$ress feelings
.njoys discussing $ossi%ilities
Meen to $romote change
Total:

G..
G..

G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
G..
___
___
This 5uestionnaire is to %e used as a guide only. It has not %een #alidated. ?or an accurate %eha#ioural style
5uestionnaire we recommend com$letion of the full 9ersonal 9rofile 2ystemC a#aila%le from Insca$e 9u%lishingC Inc. or
Integro Iearning 7om$any 9IC 9' :o/ &12;C ?renchs ?orest D7 42" 2;>& <ustralia
.
$%athy H.3.1
&ISC (o%el
9eo$le ha#e a #ariety of $referred and ha%itual ways of %eha#ing and res$ondingC
de$ending on the conte/t. "hen communication is difficultC it can %e hel$ful to tailor
your a$$roach to suit othersE $references and ha%its.
"ithin any %eha#ioural styleC $eo$le can %e %oth s+illed at getting the jo% done and
getting along with others.
'nce aware of areas needing im$ro#ementC $eo$le can often de#elo$ new s+illsC to
increase the fle/i%ility of their %eha#ioural re$ertoire.
Introverted /xtroverted
T
a
s
k

o
r
i
e
n
t
a
t
e
d
C(4SCI/4TI(*S DI)/CT
T
a
s
k

(
r
i
e
n
t
a
t
e
d
-ehaviours
8eser#ed
<$$roaches wor+
systematically
9ays attention to
details
?ocuses attention
on immediate tas+
9refers to stac+ to
esta%lished
guidelines K
$ractices
Ii+es to $lan for
change
4eeds
)igh standards
<$$reciation
Luality wor+
"ears
7riticism of wor+
Im$erfection
4ot ha#ing things
ade5uately
e/$lained
-ehaviours
'utgoing
7hallenges status
5uo
Meen to get things
done
8esists authority
Ii+es to ta+e the
lead
Ta+es action to
%ring a%out change
4eeds
8esults
8ecognition
7hallenges
"ears
7hallenges to their
authority
Iac+ of results from
others
'
e
o
p
l
e

(
r
i
e
n
t
a
t
e
d
ST%-I&ISI4# I4"&*/4CI4#
'
e
o
p
l
e

(
r
i
e
n
t
a
t
e
d
-ehaviours
8eser#ed
"or+s well in a
team
<ccommodates
others
Maintains status
5uo
8eco#ers slowly
from hurt
9refers steady not
sudden change
4eeds
2ecurity
<cce$tance
Teamwor+
"ears
Isolation
2tanding out as
%etter or worse
3n$lanned
challenges
-ehaviours
'utgoing
Ieads %y enthusing
others
9refers a glo%al
a$$roach
2teers away from
details
<cts on im$ulse
Meen to $romote
change
4eeds
7hange
<c+nowledgement
4ew trends and
ideas
"ears
Disa$$ro#al
2tagnation
Detailed wor+
Introverted /xtroverted
The DI27 Model was initiated %y "illiam Moulton Marston 9hD *1>=3H1=4(, and e/$anded u$on %y Dr Nohn 1eier for
9erforma/C now Insca$e 9u%lishingC Inc. as $art of their 9ersonal 9rofile 2ystem. ?or more information on 5uestionnaires and
courses contact Insca$e or the <ustralian Distri%utor Integro Iearning 7om$any 9IC 9' :o/ &12;C ?renchs ?orest D7 42"
2;>& <ustralia.
$%athy H3.2
&ifferences in Behavioural St"le
"ho ha#e you noticed using these %eha#ioural styles?
Direct: ______________________________________________________
Influencing: __________________________________________________
2ta%ilising: __________________________________________________
7onscientious:________________________________________________
Thin+ of someone with whom you often find yourself in conflict. "hat is the
%eha#ioural style you often notice them using?
)ow might +nowing this hel$ you to communicateC wor+ more coHo$erati#elyC and
%e less judging of their %eha#ioural style?
)ow could you modify your %eha#iour to address their needs %etter?
If you did modify your %eha#iourC how might their res$onse %e different?
$%athy H.3.3
Empath" Bloc)ers
Communication !illers, Fouls*
Who does it8
Self (ther
D(MI4%TI(4
Threatening& EEIf you are not a%le to get to wor+ on
time weEll ha#e to re#iew your jo% here?BC BDo it or
else.B
'rdering& BIEll see you immediately in my office.BC
BDonEt as+ me whyC just do it %ecause I said so.B
Criticising: BFou donEt wor+ hard enough.BC BFouEre
always com$laining.B
(a%e)calling& EE'nly an idiot would say that.BC BFou
stu$id fool.B BFouEre neurotic.EE
*+hould,-ing or .'ught/ing& BFou ought to face the
facts.BC EEFou shouldnEt %e so angry.B
M%4I'*&%TI(4
Withholding Rele#ant Infor%ation& BIf you +new
more a%out this you would see it differently.B
Interrogating& EE)ow many hours did this ta+e you?B
EE)ow much did this cost?B "hy are you so late?B
EE"hat are you doing now?B
0raising to 1aniulate& BFouEre so good at re$ort
writingC IEd li+e you to do this one.B
DIS/M'(W/)M/4T
2iagnosing 1oti#es& EEFou are #ery $ossessi#e.B
BFouE#e always had a $ro%lem with time
management.B
Unti%ely Ad#ice& BI donEt seem to %e managing.EE BIf
youEd just straighten u$ your des+ you would not %e
in this $anic.O EE"hy didnEt you do it this way?B EENust
Ignore him.B
Changing the Toic& BIEm worried a%out my sonEs
$rogress at schoolO. EEFes it is a worry...Did I tell you
that IEm a$$lying for a new jo%?B
0ersuading 3ith 4ogic& EEThereEs nothing to %e u$set
a%out. ItEs all 5uite reasona%le P we just... then
we...B.
Toing& BI smashed the car last wee+...... EE EE"hen I
smashed my car...B
D/4I%&
Refusing to Address the Issue& EEThereEs nothing to
discuss. I canEt see any $ro%lems.B
Reassuring& EEDonEt %e ner#ous.BC EEDonEt worryC it will
wor+ out.BC EEFouEll %e fine.B
$%athy H.3.!
Create Empath"
Iisten with your head and your heart.
.m$athy is sensing anotherEs feelings and attitudes as if we had e/$erienced them
oursel#es. It is our willingness to enter anotherEs worldC and %eing a%le to
communicate to that $erson our sensiti#ity to them. It is not %lind sentimentalityQ it
always retains some o%jecti#ity and distance. "e do not lose our own identityC
though we disco#er our common humanity.
Create empath+ b+$
ta+ing seriously othersE needs and concerns
#aluing feelings and attitudes
res$ecting othersE $ri#acyC e/$erience and #alues
listening acti#ely
encouraging further ela%oration and clarification
using o$en %ody language and a warm #ocal tone
reser#ing judgement and %lame
dis$laying interest in what others communicate
withholding unsought ad#ice
su$$orting othersE attem$ts to find a solution
ma+ing affirming statements and gestures.
$%athy H.3."
/mpath+ unco#ers com$le/
needs and concerns.
encourages
%lossoming and growth
im$ro#es relationshi$s su$$orts confidence
and selfH+nowledge.
I%entif"ing Feelings an% +espon%ing
Ia%el the feeling in these statementsC and gi#e an a$$ro$riate res$onse. <#oid
$arroting the s$ea+er. InsteadC acti#e listen to $ara$hrase the statement. Four
res$onse may %e a 5uestion. "hen you try to la%el other $eo$leEs feelingsC you
need a tentati#eC in5uiring a$$roach or ha#e a 5uestion in your tone of #oice.
?eeling
$5a%le& I really hate hi% Anger
Resonse& 6ou feel really angry 3ith hi%7
?eeling
1. IEm not much good at anything
8es$onse
________________________________________________________________
2. I canEt sense feelings li+e others can
8es$onse
________________________________________________________________
3. IEm a lousy $arent
8es$onse
________________________________________________________________
4. I donEt +now what to do
8es$onse
________________________________________________________________
!. IE#e had nothing %ut trou%le from this organisation
8es$onse
________________________________________________________________
&. I canEt get along with them at all
8es$onse
________________________________________________________________
(. I ha#e difficulty meeting $eo$le
8es$onse
________________________________________________________________
>. IEd loo+ed forward to the holiday %ut it was $retty lonely
8es$onse
________________________________________________________________
=. I just canEt co$e
8es$onse
________________________________________________________________
1;. There ne#er seems to %e anyone to hel$ me
$%athy H.3.8
8es$onse
________________________________________________________________
11. I need some time to myself
8es$onse
________________________________________________________________
12. 9eo$le just donEt listen
8es$onse
________________________________________________________________
$%athy H.3.9
#ctive Listening,,, Some -elpful -ints
Things to Try Things to Avoid
9ut the focus of attention totally on the
s$ea+er.
8e$eat con#ersationally and
tentati#elyC in your wordsC your
understanding of the s$ea+erEs
meaning.
?eed %ac+ feelingsC as well as content.
*9ro%eC if a$$ro$riate e.g. --Ho3 do you
feel a:out that7. or BHo3 did that affect
you7B,
8eflect %ac+ not only to show you
understandC %ut also so the s$ea+er
can hear and understand his or her
own meaning.
Try again if your acti#e listening
statement is not well recei#ed.
:e as accurate in the summary of the
meaning as you can.
7hallenge $owerlessness and
ho$elessness su%tly *e.g. try BIt is
hoelessEE instead of BIt see%s
hoeless to you right no3.O Try EE6ou
can-t find anything that could fi5 it7O
instead of AThere,s nothing I can doO,.
<llow silences in the con#ersation.
4otice %ody shifts and res$ond to them
%y waiting. ThenC e.g. EEHo3 does it all
see% to you no37B
<#oid tal+ing a%out yourself.
8eject introducing your own reactions
or well intentioned comments.
Try not to ignore feelings in the
situation.
<#oid ad#isingC diagnosingC %aitingC
reassuringC encouraging or criticising.
Dis$ense with thin+ing a%out what you
will say ne/t.
<#oid $arroting the s$ea+erEs words or
only saying B%%B or EEah; hahEE.
DonEt $retend that you ha#e understood
if you ha#enEt.
<#oid letting the s$ea+er drift to less
significant to$ics %ecause you ha#enEt
shown youE#e understood.
<#oid fi/ingC changingC or im$ro#ing
what the s$ea+er has said.
DonEt change to$ics.
8esist filling in e#ery s$ace with your
tal+.
DonEt neglect the nonH#er%al content of
the con#ersation.
$%athy H.3.<
#ctive Listening for &ifferent
$urposes
S3I&&S
'*)'(S/S
4on9verbal Skills "ollo!ing Skills )eflecting Skills
To #ain Information
to find out the details of what
another is saying.
to clarify instructions and to
gain information.
3se a$$ro$riate %ody
language P noddingC notingC
recordingC watching.
?ocus your concentrationC
%loc+ out distractions.
<s+ many 5uestions.
"rite notes.
3se memory joggers.
7onfirm your understanding
%y re$eating +ey $oints.
To #ive %ffirmation
to show em$athy and gi#e
ac+nowledgement.
to hel$ the s$ea+er hear and
understand his or her own
meaning.
7hoose a nonHdistracting
and comforta%le
en#ironment. Is
$ri#acy needed?
8emo#e ina$$ro$riate
$hysical %arriers e.g. large
des+
7onsider mo#ing closer to
the s$ea+er.
<do$t an o$enC encouraging
$osture with welcoming
gesturesC and a$$ro$riate
eye contact to show
attention and in#ol#ement.
3se minimal #er%al
encouragers P such as
EEmmEE and EEah hahB.
<s+ only occasional
5uestions.
<llow attenti#e silences.
8eflect %ac+ %oth feelings
and content.
3se your own words to feed
%ac+ your understanding of
the s$ea+erEs meaning.
2ummarise the major
concerns.
3se a tone of #oice that
shows warmth and interest.
To )espond To
Inflammation
to let the s$ea+er +now
youE#e heard the com$laintC
the anger andor the
accusation.

to defuse the strong
emotions.
<#oid defensi#e or
aggressi#e $osture and
gestures.
7onsider e/tra distance to
ma+e you feel safe.
3se attenti#e eye contact
and an asserti#e stance.

3se o%#ious #er%al
indicators that youE#e
understood P a clear EEyesEEC
a strong B'MB.
<s+ 5uestions to
understand the %asis of the
attac+.
<s for listening to affirm
*a%o#e,.
In reflecting %ac+C try to $ut
some heat in your #oice *not
a flat tone,C gradually
reducing it as the s$ea+er
EEcoolsEE down.
$%athy H.3.=
Listen
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice
you have not done what I asked.
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Not talk or do just hear me.
Advice is cheap: 50 cents will get you both Dorothy Dix and
Dr Spock in the same newspaper.
And I can DO for myself ; I'm not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do
for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational, then I quit trying to convince
you and can get about the business of understanding what's
behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don 't
need advice.
So, please listen and just hear me, and if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn; and I'll listen to you.
Anonymous
$%athy H.3.1>
Will "ou +eact or +espon%.
When I am about to react in fight mode,,,
9hysical reaction: Thought reaction:
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
When I am about to react in flight mode,,,
9hysical reaction: Thought reaction:
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
Wa+s I could turn these into a flow response are$
Aroriate Asserti#eness H.!.1
Fight, Flight, Flow
"I#T$ %ggressive -ehaviour (I !in25ou lose)
./$ressing your feelingsC needs and ideas at the e/$ense of othersQ standing u$ for
your rights %ut ignoring the rights of othersQ trying to dominateC e#en humiliateC
others.
)ostile and selfHdefeating.
8esults in angerC selfHrighteousnessC $ossi%le guilt later.
Belief: Fou donEt matter.
$a"off: 0ents anger and achie#es goals in the short term.
$rolem: <lienation from othersQ feelings of frustrationC %itterness and isolation.
"&I#T$ 'assive -ehaviour (I lose25ou !in)
4ot e/$ressing your own feelingsC needsC ideasQ ignoring your own rightsQ allowing
others to infringe u$on them.
Inhi%ited and selfHdenying.
8esults in an/ietyC disa$$ointmentC anger and resentment.
Belief: I donEt matter.
$a"off: <#oids un$leasant situations.
$rolem: 4eeds are not metQ anger %uilds u$Q feelings arise of low selfHworth.
"&(W$ %ssertive -ehaviour (I !in25ou !in)
./$ressing your feelingsC needs and ideas. 2tanding u$ for your legitimate rights in
ways that do not #iolate the rights of others.
./$ressi#e and selfHenhancing.
8esults in confidenceC selfHesteem.
Belief: "e %oth matter.
$a"off: <chie#es goals mostly. If this does not occurC there are feelings of
selfHworth which result from %eing straight forward. 2elfHconfidence
im$ro#es and relationshi$s %ecome o$en and honest.
$rolem: Fou still may feel distant from others who donRt handle o$en
relationshi$s well or who ha#e great difficulty e/$ressing their needs
or those who wish to dominate.
# Bill of #ssertive +ights
It is reasonable and proper for me,,,
to %e treated with res$ect
to hold my own #iews and ha#e them heard
to ha#e my own feelings and ha#e them ta+en seriously
to arrange my own $riorities
to ma+e mista+es
to change my mind
to choose not to answer 5uestions that are $ersonal or intrusi#e
to choose when and if to assert myself
to define and $rotect the $hysical s$ace I need
to refuse without feeling guilty
to get what I $ay for
to as+ for what I want
to %e gi#en information *%y doctorsC lawyersC accountants etc., without
%eing $atronised.
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
%n+ right I claim as m+ o!n6 I extend to
others,
/I/ Statements
%ims : To communicate clearly and cleanly my $erce$tion of and feelings a%out a $ro%lem without attac+ing %laming or hurting
the other $erson.
To o$en a discussion without eliciting defensi#eness from the other $erson.
$5a%le Co%lete your o3n e5a%le
The <ction '%jecti#e
Descri$tion
"hen... you When0 changes to our lans ha#e :een
finalised :efore I ha#e a chance to
contri:ute
My
8es$onse
4o :lame I feel...
or
I feel li+e...
I feel o3erless
or
I feel li)e %aking %y o3n searate lans
My
9referred
'utcome
4o
Demand
<nd what IEd
li+e is that I...
#n% what I1% li)e is that I ha#e %ore
in#ol#e%ent in the decision)%aking
rocess.
De$ending on the res$onse of the other $ersonC I will choose an a$$ro$riate ne/t action. It may %e to ma+e another BIB statementC to
acti#e listenC to start discussing the $ro%lem in more detail or...
Aroriate Asserti#eness H.!.!
(anipulation an% Influence
7oHo$eration and consensus de$end on $eo$le influencing others. )owe#erC when
$eo$le feel tric+ed or forcedC chances are that someone has used mani$ulation.
There is no sim$le way to distinguish EEmani$ulationEE from EEinfluenceEE in all cases.
There is no clear %oundary %etween them. "e canC ne#erthelessC e/$lore some of
their $rominent features.
)ow do $eo$le tend to feel when they ha#e %een treated li+e this?
manipulated influenced with integrity
"hat are some differences %etween these?
manipulation influence
"hat tend to %e some common conse5uences of these?
manipulation influence
Co?oerati#e 0o3er H.".1
$ower 2ame 3riangle
$ersecuting
BIEm 'M FouEre not 'MO.
SSItRs got to %e your faultO.
'ften wins in the short term.
'ften alienates others.
'a+ (ff$
____________________________
(bservations$
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
$la"ing 4ictim
BIEm not 'M. FouEre 'MO
BIEm hel$less and I need someone to
fi/ things for meO.
Maintains self $ity.
2tays stuc+ in ina$$ro$riate situations.
'a+ (ff$
____________________________
(bservations$
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
+escuing
BIEm 'M. FouEre not 'MEE
B'ther $eo$le need my hel$O.
2ol#es $ro%lems for others %y hel$ing
too much and too fre5uently
<cts as a %uffer %etween $ersecutors
and #ictims.
'a+ (ff$
____________________________
(bservations$
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
3ransforming the $ower 2ame
3riangle into the &iscover" Circle
What can be done to transform the po!er game triangle8
Instead of $ersecutingG
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
Instead of rescuingG
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
Instead of $laying #ictimG
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
"hat word could you use to descri%e each of these alternati#e sets of %eha#iours?
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
/xclusion
%lienation
Control
Consultation
'articipation
Co9operation
'o!er #ame Triangle Discover+ Circle
&iscover" Circle
$ersecuting 5 Consulting
*add your own word,
_______________________
Iisten to others to find out needs.
'ffer constructi#e feed%ac+.
8educe %lame and criticism.
Include others in o$en and more
fle/i%le decisionHma+ing.
2how res$ect for all needs.
Incor$orate as many as #ia%le.
.ncourage sharing of e/$ertise.
9ro#ide information.
<c+nowledge own needs and
concerns.
./$ress own needs asserti#ely.
+escuing 5 Facilitating
*add your own word,
_______________________
7larify own needs and concerns.
2tate needs asserti#ely.
<s+ 5uestions to chec+ how much hel$
is a$$ro$riate.
<ssist those $laying $ersecutor and
#ictim to listen to each other.
<s+ 5uestions to e/$lore $ers$ecti#es
of others.
Discuss conse5uences of $ersisting
with current %eha#iours.
)el$ others de#elo$ strategies for
effecti#e $ro%lemHsol#ing.
$la"ing 4ictim 5 3a)ing +esponsiilit"
*add your own word, _________________________
2tate asserti#ely own intentions and $ers$ecti#es.
7larify and state own needs.
2ee+ a$$ro$riate su$$ortC informationC s+ills and assistance.
<c+nowledge that others ha#e needs.
<s+ 5uestions to e/$lore othersE needs and concerns.
<#oid %laming others and circumstances.
8educe demands on others.
7hec+ own moti#ation: am I willing to fi/ the $ro%lem?
7hoose and act u$on a realistic o$tion.
Co?oerati#e 0o3er H.".!
3en Empowering 3houghts
o EEIife is not anythingQ it is only the o$$ortunity for something.EE ?riedric+
)e%%elC a 1erman $oet. It is what you %ring to life that is significant P
not what life %rings to you.
o Iife can %e a continual $rocess of growth and de#elo$ment. If you
choose to regard it this wayC you add meaning and direction to it.
o .#erything and e#eryone is on your side if you decide to see it that
way.
o Ioo+ for a good intention %ehind a$$arently un+ind %eha#iour.
o '#erwhelming e#ents can %e o$$ortunities for change and for
unfolding new le#els of strength and lo#e.
o ?ailure is a s$lendid chance to learn.
o 2uccess starts with commitment. .#erything flows from that.
o )old your fear in one hand and your courage in the other. ?ear alone
is not a reason to a#oid something.
o <lign your $ersonal $ower with life. <cce$t the $resent %efore
imagining what might %e.
o :e here now. The $oint of $ower is in the $resent. This is not a
rehearsal for your lifeC this is it.
--Ulti%ate o3er is the a:ility to roduce the results you
desire %ost and create #alue for others in the rocess.
0o3er is the a:ility to change your life; to shae your
ercetions; to %ake things 3ork for you and not against you.
Real o3er is shared; not i%osed.
It-s the a:ility to define hu%an needs and to fulfil the% ? :oth
your needs and the needs of the eole you care a:out.
It-s the a:ility to direct your o3n ersonal kingdo% ? your
o3n thought rocesses; your o3n :eha#iour ? so you roduce
the recise results you desire. --
Anthony Ro::ins 6nlimite% $ower
@(e3 6ork& +i%on A +chuster 1=<8B 2>?1
Co?oerati#e 0o3er H."."
3ransforming /I Shoul%11 to /I Choose11
S(*&D C((S/
&eman%s I am currently
im$osing on myself.
./am$les:
I%entif" the outsi%e
pressure, "hat do I see
myself su%mitting to P $resent
or internalised $ast?
Change the perspective,
My own %est reason for doing
thisC such as the %enefits
recei#ed.
#%% extra ingre%ients.
Ma+e this tas+ more $leasant
or rewardingC or less tiresome.
I should re#ie3 the current office
rocedures.
The ressure to :e rofessional;
efficient and %ore custo%er
focussed
I choose to re#ie3 the rocedures
:ecause it 3ill ena:le ti%e to :e
used %ore efficiently in the long
ter%.
I-ll arrange a %orning at ho%e to
3ork on it; no telehone; good
coffee.
I should attend %y child-s tennis
%atch on +aturday %orning.
Internalised societal e5ectations
o3n arents- %odelling of .good
arenting.
I choose to attend the tennis
%atch :ecause it :uilds %y
relationshi 3ith %y child.
I 3ill in#ite a friend so I ha#e a
chance to do a :it of socialising.
$ersonal $ower: I Shoul% vs I Choose
I Should I Choose
%uthorit+ %utonom+
Adated and used 3ith er%ission fro% Integro Aust 0ty 4td
&eman% Behaviour 7 $ower 8ver
9erson: ................................................... Do your answers ha#e any of these elements?
"hat %eha#iour do you thin+ the $erson should
change?
M5 '(W/) (7/)
"hy do you thin+ the $erson %eha#es this way?
)ow do you thin+ the $erson should %eha#e and
how do you communicate that to the $erson?
*7onsider o#ertco#ert #er%al
nonH#er%al methods,
)ow doesmight the $erson res$ond to your
EEshouldEE?
De$ending on the $ersonEs res$onse to your
EEshouldEEC what might you do ne/t? *7onsider
rewardC $unishmentC %lamingC withdrawal etc.,
Co?oerati#e 0o3er H.".<
#n #lternative to &eman% Behaviour 7 $ower With
9erson: ................................................... Do your answers ha#e any of these elements?
"hat is the issue you want to wor+ on? *2e$arate
the $erson from the $ro%lem.,
M5 '(W/) WIT
"hat is the other $ersonEs $ers$ecti#e? "hat are
the other $ersonEs needs?
"hat is the outcome you want or that is re5uired?
)ow can that %e achie#ed andor communicated?
)ow might the other $erson res$ond to your
desired outcome?
De$ending on the other $ersonEs res$onseC what
might you do ne/t?
Co?oerati#e 0o3er H.".=
Exploring $ositive #spects from 3he
$ast
7om$lete own e/am$le ./am$les
Identif+ an event2situation
!hich6 at the time6 I !ould
have preferred not to have
happened or to have happened
differentl+,
1y father-s death 3hen I 3as a
child.
)a#ing the staff re#iew $roject
ta+en out of my hands.
What !as m+ response to that
event at the time8 (feelings6
actions;)
Hurt; angry; deserted; sent a lot
of ti%e in %y roo%.
Angry; defensi#e. (ot areciated.
What is m+ response to that
event no!8 (feelings6
actions,,,)
Angry. I don-t think it 3as fair. I
%iss %y dad.
2till angry. 7anEt %e %othered.
<#oid my %oss.
What have been some negative
outcomes of that event8
(changed circumstances6
outlook,,,)
1ucked around in high school.
(ot financially secure. 1u% often
stressed; tired.
No% less interesting. lEm
demoti#ated.
What have been some positive
outcomes of that event8
(changed circumstances6
outlook6 gro!th6 direction,)
Did 3ni as mature age student. I
am #ery inde$endent. Mum and I
and my si%lings are #ery close.
More time to s$end on other
$rojects. Iess stressed.
What have I done to deal !ith
this event8
Concluded you get :attered round
in life. Tried not to think a:out lost
relationshi 3ith dad.
<#oided my %oss. 2tarted not
caring a%out wor+.
What more can I do to resolve
m+ response and to move on8
4et %yself really feel ho3 %uch I
%iss dad. Write a letter to hi%
saying good:ye. Talk 3ith %u%.
Ma+e an a$$ointment with my
%oss to discuss it. 0alue less
stress and more time to focus on
other tas+s.
Co?oerati#e 0o3er H.".1>
Strategies to &eal with &ifficult
Behaviours
#oal /xamples of difficult
behaviours
Strategies to deal !ith these
behaviours
#aining 'o!er
#aining %ttention
%ppearing
Inade<uate
Seeking )evenge
'articular
behaviour !ith
!hich I have
difficult+
%ction plan for
dealing !ith this
behaviour
@Consider& listing
strategies;
reresenting the
ro:le% in diagra%
or flo3 chart for%
etc.B
-ehaviour
_____________________
In !hom
_____________________
In !hat setting
_____________________
&ealing With &ifficult Behaviours
9eo$leEs %eha#iour is goalHdirected.
"e loo+ for ways to %e secureC feel
significantC to %elongC and to $rotect
our sense of identity. "hen a $erson
feels threatened a downward s$iral
may %egin. The $erson may
su%stitute other goalsC in the %elief
that this is a way to gain securityC
significanceC %elongingC and identity.
)ow we res$ond to these %eha#iours
and %eliefs willC in turnC affect the
$ersonEs future %eha#iour.
The secret is to %rea+ out of the s$iral
%y su$$orting the $ersonEs real needs
without su$$orting the difficult
%eha#iours and %eliefs
Difficult -ehaviour$
#oals = *nconscious
-eliefs
The Do!n!ard Spiral -etter %lternatives
#aining 'o!er *EEI only feel
secure when I am in controlC
when noHone can %oss meJEE,
Fou feel $ro#o+ed or threatened
and react %y fighting or gi#ing in.
Their aggression is intensified or
they com$ly defiantly.
Disengage from the struggle. )el$
them to use $ower constructi#ely
%y enlisting coHo$eration.
2u$$ort their selfHworth and
autonomy.
#aining %ttention
@.I only feel significant 3hen I
a% :eing noticed.--B
Fou feel annoyed and react %y
coa/ing. They sto$ %rieflyC and
then resume %eha#iour and
demands $erha$s in a new way.
<#oid undue attention. 1i#e
attention for $ositi#e %eha#iour
es$ecially when they are not
ma+ing a %id for it.
2u$$ort their real contri%ution and
in#ol#ement.
%ppearing Inade<uate
*BI wonEt %e hurt any moreC if
only I can con#ince others not
to e/$ect much from me. If
they loo+ after meC IEll feel I
%elong.O,
Fou gi#e u$C o#erwhelmedC or
ta+e o#er the tas+ for them. They
res$ond $assi#elyC show no
im$ro#ement and stay EE#ictimEE.
.ncourage any $ositi#e attem$tC
no matter how small. ?ocus on
assets. 9ro#ide %iteHsiTed learning
e/$eriences they can succeed at.
2u$$ort how they feelC as a
starting $lace for selfH
im$ro#ement.
Seeking )evenge
*AFouE#e hurt me. IRll ma+e you
hurt as I am hurting. I ha#e my
sense of identity %y standing
against you.O,
Fou feel hurt %y themC and
retaliate. They see+ further
re#enge more strongly or with
another wea$on.
7on#ince them that you res$ect
their needs. :uild trusting
relationshi$s.
2u$$ort their need for justice and
fairness.
Adated fro% Rudolh 2reikurs and Cicky +oltD Chil%ren: 3he Challenge @(6& Ha3thorn;
1=8!B.
+espon%ing to +esistance
from 8thers
"hen faced with a statement that has $otential to create
conflict as+ o$en 5uestions to reframe resistance: ./$lore the
difficulties and then redirect discussion to focus on $ositi#e
$ossi%ilities
/>'&()/ Clarif+ Details
ItEs too e/$ensi#e. 7om$ared to what?
Too manymuchlittlefew. 7om$ared to what?
I want the %est. "hat would %e %est for you?
"ind (ptions
Fou canEt do that around here. "hat would ha$$en if we did?
)e *she, would ne#er )ow can we find ways for it to ha$$en?
They always... <re there any times they donEt?
"eE#e tried that already. "hat was the outcome?
This is the only way to do it FesC thatEs an o$tion. "hat else could we consider?
P
)/DI)/CT Move to the 'ositive
It will ne#er wor+. "hat would it ta+e to ma+e it wor+?
I wonEt... "hat would ma+e you willing?
ItEs a failure. )ow could it wor+?
ItEs disastrous. "hat would ma+e it %etter?
)eEs *sheEs, useless. "hat is he *she, doing that is acce$ta%le?
ItEs im$ossi%le "hat would it ta+e to ma+e it $ossi%le?
I canEt. Fou canEt see a way to do it at the moment?
I donEt want to "hat would you li+e?
#o -ack to &egitimate 4eeds and Concerns
)eEs *sheEs, a ho$eless caseJ ItEs hard to see how to wor+ with him *her,?
Fou fool *and other insults,J "hat do we need to do to sort this out?
)ow dare you do such a things "hat do you disli+e a%out it?
It should %e done my way. "hat ma+es that seem the %est o$tion?
)isher $lace is a $igEs styJ Does heshe $ut a different em$hasis on tidiness to
you?
)eshe doesnEt do their fair share "here do you thin+ hisher $riorities may lie?
Co?oerati#e 0o3er H.".1!
-ow &o 9ou Feel 3o%a".
1anaging $%otions H.8.1
#ccepting 8ur Emotions
<ll emotions are acce$ta%le and #alua%le. There is no emotion we should not feel.
They are all $art of what it is to %e a human %eing. The challenge is to find
a$$ro$riate ways of e/$ressing them.
/M(TI(4S T%T %)/ S(M/TIM/S DI""IC*&T "() *S T( %4D&/
%nger$ "hen mo%ilised and a$$ro$riately e/$ressedC anger is a fire for
change and a way of letting others +now their %eha#iour is
unacce$ta%le to us. Ioo+ for the hurt that is sometimes underneath.
.I need change. I need to co%%unicate this..
)esentment$ 8esentment is an e/$ort jo%C %laming others for how we feel or for the
situation weEre in.
It is i%%o:ilised anger. 4ook for 3hat could hel it to shift.
.I need to take resonsi:ility for ho3 I really feel and to change this
situation./
urt$ )urt tells us that our needs are not %eing metC or that our selfHesteem
has %een wounded. 'ften it dee$ens our relationshi$ if we can
communicate our hurt without resentment.
.I need to :e close. I need to :e healed.--
"ear$ ?ear warns us that we need to $roceed with cautionC to see+ hel$C to
get more informationC and to se$arate fantasy from reality.
.I need to take care. I need hel..
#uilt$ 1uilt comes a%out when we act or feel something different to what we
e/$ected of oursel#es. It indicates there is the $ossi%ility for a %etter
res$onse.
.I need to %ake a%ends or do things differently ne5t ti%e.--
)egret$ 8egret is a huge feeling that can encom$ass $ain and sorrow. It is the
ac+nowledgement of the unfulfilled $otential of a situation. It is often
the last emotion %efore we let go of the EEif onlyEE and reach a $lace of
acce$tance.
.I need to ackno3ledge %y ain and accet it 3ithout denial. --
C"cle of Emotion
__________________ effecti#e management of emotions
H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H less effecti#e management of emotions
-an%ling 9our 8wn #nger
"hen anger is e/$eriencedC adrenalin is released into the %ody. :lood rushes to
our legsC armsC and headQ we %egin to sweat and to %reathe 5uic+ly. 'ur
heart%eat s$eeds u$Q we may ha#e a strong urge to yellC screamC +ic+C hit or
run. "e tend to react %y fight or flight.
<nger is either $hysically released at the time it is e/$eriencedC or it is
su$$ressed. 2ince it is rarely a$$ro$riate to release anger $hysically for fear of
damaging relationshi$s or causing %odily harmC it is often su$$ressed.
If not released at the time it is e/$eriencedC anger gets stored in our %odies as
muscular tension. The $articular $art of the %ody affected #aries considera%ly
from $erson to $erson.
In what $art of your %ody do you notice tension when you are angry?
If this tension is not releasedC one of two things may ha$$en. It may %uild u$
until it can no longer %e su$$ressedC and we e/$lode at *or EEdum$EE on,
someone who may ha#e had nothing to do with the original anger. It may
remain unreleased andC o#er a $eriod of many yearsC cause chronic muscular
holding $atterns and $ossi%ly damage to our immune system.
"hen deciding on a way to release our anger which is right for usC we need to
remem%er that the tension is %est released in a manner consistent with the
intensity of the emotion. *e.g. when we feel li+e hitting someoneC swimming may
%e more a$$ro$riate than meditating., Many $eo$le $refer regular onHgoing
acti#ities which $re#ent the e/cessi#e %uildHu$ of dayHtoHday tensions in the first
$lace. <s wellC most of us well use some techni5ues for releasing tension on
occasions after a $articularly strong e/$erience of anger or frustration or u$set.
'nHgoing Tension 8elease Techni5ues 'neHoff Tension 8elease Techni5ues
1anaging $%otions H.8.!
Exploring 8ur +esponse to Conflict
Five :uestions 7 Five 2oals
&on;t in%ulge* &on;t %en"*
Create richer relationships*
FI4E '6ES3I8<S
When angr" / hurt / frightene%:
"hy am I feeling so angry hurt frightened? _______________________________
___________________________________________________________________
"hat do I want to change? _____________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
"hat do I need in order to let go of this feeling? _____________________________
___________________________________________________________________
"hose $ro%lem is thisC really? )ow much is mine? )ow much is the other
$ersonRs? ___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
"hat is the AmessageO I infer from the situation? *e.g. he doesnRt li+e meC she
doesnRt res$ect me., __________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
FI4E 28#LS
in communicating emotions:
<im: to a#oid the desire to $unish or %lame
To im$ro#e the situation
To communicate my feelings a$$ro$riately
To im$ro#e the relationshi$ and increase communication
To a#oid re$eating the same situation
"hat could I say? ____________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
If communicating my emotions is not a$$ro$riateC what other action can I ta+e?
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
1anaging $%otions H.8."
Focusing on Conflict
0, 'reparing$ "ind a time and place to sit
undisturbed and comfortable,
'ossibl+ close +our e+es,
1, Clearing a space$ &et an+thing !hich is disturbing +ou6
!hich makes +ou feel less than
perfectl+ fine6 come into +our
thoughts,
DonEt go into anything.
Nust greet each thing that comesC and
%reathe dee$ly.
?, "eeling for the problem$ 'ick the problem +ou !ould most
like to focus on right no!,
DonEt go into it.
1et a felt sense of it: feel EEall a%out the
$ro%lemEE as a whole.
@, "inding the crux$ Sta+ !ith that feeling, What is the
main thing in it8 DonAt ans!er6 let
!hatever comes come,
II2T.4C rather than tell yourself.
"<ITC let words or images come out of
this feeling.
B, &abelling$ #o back and forth bet!een !ords or
images6 and the feeling,
Try to get them to match P if the feeling
changesC follow itC continuing to la%el
the new feeling.
C, Checking back !ith the feeling$ Check it, %sk +our bod+ DIs this label
or description exactl+ right6 or not
<uite8D When +ou get a perfect
match6 the !ords being Eust right for
this feeling6 let +ourself feel that for a
moment, (nce some aspect of the
problem is accuratel+ labelled6 +ou
ma+ experience a bod+ shift F a
sense of sudden or gradual ph+sical
relief,
G, %nother round starting from ?$ (ften this opens up the possibilit+ of
going deeper into some other
aspects of the difficult+,
+ee $ugene Eendlin; Focusing @U+& Fanta%; 1=<1B.
-an%ling &ifficult Emotions in 8thers
If we react to others defensi#ely %y attac+ing or withdrawingC conflict often
increases. IfC insteadC we res$ond a$$ro$riatelyC we can hel$ to %ring the emotions
to a le#el at which the issue can %e dealt with more constructi#ely.
Try the follo3ing&
+eceive Iisten and say nothing for the moment. DonRt try to
tone them downC defend or e/$lain yourself yet.
1i#e the other $erson room to discharge their $entHu$
emotions.
8es$ect the other $ersonEs communication of feelings.
<otice '%ser#e your own reaction.
Centre Tune into yourself. :reathe dee$ly.
Listen again <s+ yourself what you are $ic+ing u$ from the
communication. 2e$arate feelings from content. 2train
out what is #alid and if you canC let some irate remar+s
$ass you %y without reacting.
+eflect ac) 8eflect %oth feelings and content.
EEIet me chec+ with you if...EE
EEIs that what you are saying...?EE
Clarif" an% Explore "hat are the other $ersonEs needs and concerns?
./$lore what is %ehind the words %eing used. <s+
5uestions to shift the focus from anger to e/$loring the
issues. ?ocus on connecting to the other $erson and
turning this into a safe and constructi#e con#ersation.
8e$eat the cycle. .nsure that %oth feelings and facts
are mutually understood.
(ove 7larify and ac+nowledge needs and concerns.
7onsider the ne/t ste$ e.g. ac+nowledge your
contri%ution to their $ro%lemC de#elo$ o$tionsC ma+e an
BIB statementC ta+e time out.
&esert Islan% Exercise
"ocus on their <ualities or
!a+s of behaving that +ou find
irritating or upsetting,
"ocus on +our reaction,
Describe ho! +ou feel about
these irritations, Write several
!ords until +ou find the right
one,
Wh+ do +ou feel this !a+8 #ive
reasons to do !ith 5(* rather
than them, "ocus on +our o!n
Suppressed needs
*nresolved personal histor+
*nacceptable <ualities,
Summarise the three columns
b+ constructing for +ourself a
statement of self9a!areness,
5ou !ould not normall+
communicate this statement to
another,
< $erson you wor+ with:
GGGGGGGGGG..
"hen heshe
_____________________________
I feel
_____________________________
%ecause IRm $rojecting
_____________________________
< child or someone you +now
and find difficult:
GGGGGGGGGG..
"hen heshe
_____________________________
I feel
_____________________________
_____________________________
Intimate relationshi$ e.g. s$ouse
or close friend:
GGGGGGGGGG.
"hen heshe
_____________________________
I feel
_____________________________
_____________________________
Willingness to Resol#e H.9.1
$ro=ection an% Sha%ow
&oes the situation inform or inflame.
The (pportunit+
The more someone inflames meC angers or u$sets meC the more I +now I ha#e something
to learn a%out myself from that $erson. In $articularC I need to see where $rojection from my
shadow side has interfered with my willingness to resol#e.
'roEection
9rojection is when we see our own thoughts and feelings in the minds and %eha#iour of
others and not in oursel#es. "e $ush something a%out oursel#es out of our awareness and
instead see it coming towards us from others. "e see that U is angry with us and we feel
hurt. "e donEt recognise that we are angry with U and would li+e to hurt U. ItEs #ery similar
to film $rojection. The mo#ie going on in our heads is $rojected out onto the $eo$le around
us. .ach of us %uildsC in this wayC a highly $ersonalised world. 1reater selfHawareness is
necessary if we are to see reality.
'ersona and Shado!
9sychologistC 7arl NungC used the word EE9ersonaEE to descri%e the conscious as$ects of
$ersonality P good and %ad as$ects which are +nown to the $erson. Nung called the
un+nown side of who we are EEshadowEE.
'ersona& 1y self)i%age.
Things I accet are true a:out
%yself. 1y conscious desires;
3ants; feelings; intentions and
:eliefs.
Shado!$ 0otential I ha#e not unfolded. Asects of
%yself I-% not ready to kno3 a:out. 1y
unconscious 3ants and dislikes. $%otional
resonses that are too ainful to fully e5erience.
A:ilities/talents I-% not ready to accet or e5ress.
Shado! ugging and -oxing
./treme attachment or rejection are %oth signs that our shadow has us in its hold. If we are
o#erly attached to someone %ecause of desira%le 5ualities that we see in himher and deny
in oursel#es we are 2)<D'" )311I41. If we are o#erly rejecting of undesira%le 5ualities
in someone or something that we deny in oursel#es we are 2)<D'" :'UI41.
3he hoo) the :eha#iour in the other erson that infla%es %e; in itself a neutral e#ent.
1y roGection gets caught on this hook.
3he s"mptom %y e%otional reaction @usually #ariations on anger or hurtB.
3he pro=ection the art of %y shado3 that is causing %y strong reaction.
%ckno!ledgement
To %e willing to resol#eC we need to ac+nowledge our $rojection. 7onsider:
Suppressed needs e.g. ?ailing to recognise my need for com$anionshi$C I am dee$ly hurt
when a friend $ost$ones time weEd $lanned to %e together.
*nresolved personal histor+ e.g. If I was seriously let down as a child I may %ecome
really wild when $eo$le donEt do what they $romised.
*nacceptable <ualities e.g. :ecause I donEt acce$t my own angerC I donEt acce$t it in
others.
(anaging 6nwillingness to
+esolve in 8thers
Discuss the benefits of resolving the situation,
7onsider e.g. increased harmonyC decreased stressC greater $roducti#ity and effecti#enessC
lower costs.
/xplore the DcostD of not resolving the conflict,
./$lore %loc+ers to further discussion.
7onsider whether heshe is %ac+ed into a corner. Is there something that can %e done to
hel$ himher sa#e face?
Identify areas of misinter$retation *e.g. o%jecti#esC moti#esC $oints of #iewC #aluesC feelingsC
re5uirementsC outcomesC needsC concerns,. )ow can these %e clarified?
7onsider the relationshi$ with the other $erson. 7ould a relationshi$ of greater trust %e
de#elo$edC inde$endent of sol#ing the $ro%lem?
Divide the conflict9resolving process into smaller steps,
Define the Issue clearly.
./$lore %oth the other $ersonEs needs and yours.
./$lore %oth the other $ersonEs concerns and yours.
Identify areas of common ground.
7larify the outcome*s, towards which youEre %oth aiming.
/valuate +our part in the conflict
<m I using my $ower a$$ro$riately?
)a#e I tried to %uild em$athy with this $erson?
)a#e I communicated my $ers$ecti#eC my needs and my concerns clearly and cleanly?
Consider +our o!n resolution to the problem6 if the other person
remains un!illing to resolve,
8emem%er the other $erson may %e getting more out of ha#ing the $ro%lem than sol#ing it
*e.g. ha#ing a high in#estment in %eing rightC ha#ing the final sayC ta+ing the creditC some
financial gain,.
7onsider EEste$$ing %ac+EE emotionallyC or e#en $hysically distancing yourself to recognise
the $art of the $ro%lem that %elongs to the other $erson.
"or+ towards your own resolutionC +nowing that you ha#e done all that you can. *This may
in#ol#e $ractical ste$s such as loo+ing for a new jo%C mo#ing house etc. and also
emotionally focused ste$s such as grie#ingC meditatingC letting goC see+ing counsellingC
finding new directions and relationshi$s. It is sometimes a long $rocess.,
(apping
In the centre circleC define %riefly the issueC the $ro%lem areaC or conflict in neutral terms
that all would agree on and that doesnEt in#ite a EEyesnoEE answer e.g. EE?ilingEE not EE2hould
2al do filing?B
In the sectors of the large circleC write the name of each im$ortant $erson or grou$.
"rite down each $ersonEs or grou$Es needs. "hat moti#ates himher?
"rite down each $ersonEs or grou$Es concernsC fears or an/ieties.
:e $re$ared to change the statement of the issueC as your understanding of it e#ol#es
through discussion or to draw u$ other ma$s of related issues that arise.
1aing the Conflict H.<.1
Who$
4eeds: 7oncerns:
. .
. .
. .
4eeds: 7oncerns:
. .
. .
. .
Who$
4eeds:
.
.
.
Who$
7oncerns:
.
.
.
4eeds:
.
.
.
Who$
7oncerns:
.
.
.
The Issue$
-ow to 6ncover <ee%s
EE4eedsEE include interestsC #aluesC ho$esC desiresC wants.
Encourage people to shift from their solutions to exploring
their needs.
Introduce 4eeds %pproach
./$lain that weEre loo+ing for a solution that allows e#eryone to ha#e as many of their
needs met as $ossi%le.
Shift from Solutions to 4eeds
"hen as+ed what they needC many $eo$le re$ly with solutions that they thin+ are needsC
such as BI need him to ring me when heEs going to %e lateO. The need is to +now he is safe.
There are a #ariety of solutions which meet that need. 8inging when late is only one of
these.
%sk DWh+8AA
<s $eo$le e/$lain why their solutions are im$ortant to themC they usually e/$ress their
underlying needs.
Testing
3se acti#e listening s+ills to chec+ what you ha#e heard or surmised a%out their needs.
&ook for Indicators
If a need is intangi%le *e.g. res$ect, it may %e hel$ful to as+ what would indicate or $oint to
the need %eing met. <s+ what sorts of things the $eo$le concerned would want to ha#e
ha$$en. These may %e then %uilt into the solutions.
-reak into Component 'arts
<n a%stract or com$le/ need *e.g. lifestyle, may %e di#ided into sim$ler $arts %y as+ing
what is in#ol#edC and what it means to the $erson.
Identif+ Concerns and "ears
.n5uire s$ecifically what would ha$$en or what would go wrong if the need wasnEt met.
Move "ixed 'ositions
If $eo$le are stuc+ with their own $ositionsC hel$ them to shift. <s+ if there are any
circumstances in which their solutions would not satisfy them or why other solutions donEt
wor+ for them. 9aint a Bwhat if...EE scenario which could unco#er their unrecognised needs to
mo#e from the current situation.
-rainstorm the 4eeds
"hat are the elements that would %e $art of a successful agreement? ./$lore what needs
would ha#e to %e met to $roduce an agreement that wor+s for e#eryone *including
influential $eo$le who are not immediately o%#ious e.g. s$ouseC %oss.,
+ea%ing 9our (ap
Loo) for: Consi%er:
Common #round "hich needs and concerns are
held %y e#eryone?
4e! 'erspectives and Insights "hat hadnEt %een seen %efore?
"hat now seems clearer?
idden 4eeds6 Concerns and
'a+9offs
"hat stated needs might %e
mas+ing
dee$er needs and concernsQ
or
unstated intentions or $ayH
offs.
Special Concerns "hat are $articularly difficult
areas that need attention?
&eads "hat ha#e you noticed that is
worth following through or finding
more information?
ighlight the maEor needs of each participant, 4o! develop
options !hich incorporate as man+ of these needs as possible,
Source #reas of Conflict
Commodities
"hat does each $erson stand to gain or lose that has or re$resents material #alue
e.g. moneyC $ro$ertyC land?
Who What
'rinciples
Does someoneEs $osition come from defending a #alue or ideology? Is there a cost
in defending it? "hat is it?
Who What Cost
Territor+
Is someone feeling that their $sychological EE$atchEE or $hysical $lace is in 5uestion?
This could range from threatened jo% res$onsi%ilities to an in#aded %edroom.
Who The HpatchI or place
)elationships
"hat e/isting or $otential relationshi$s are under threat? <re e/$ectations or social
contracts %eing infringed or #iolated?
Who Who Infringement of social expectations

1aing the Conflict H.<.!
&esigning 8ptions
Development
"hat is the range of o$tions? 3se the tools %elow.
Selection
Is it %uilt on a winwin a$$roach?
Does it meet many needs of all $arties?
Is it feasi%le?
Is it fair?
Does it sol#e the $ro%lem?
7an we settle on one o$tion or do we need to trial se#eral?
Implementation
<re there a num%er of ste$s in#ol#ed?
"hat are they?
"ho is res$onsi%le for each ste$?
Is the res$onsi%ility shared fairly?
"hat is the time frame?
"hat is the re#iew and e#aluation $rocess?
%greements
<re there any other rele#ant issues that need to %e addressed? Do we need agreement
dis$layed e.g. %y handsha+eC show of hands or in writing?
2esigning 'tions H.=.1
3he S)ills of <egotiation
S%TIS"%CTI(4 T)I%4#&/
4egotiation calls on all of the s+ills of conflict resolution.
Fou may find these s+ills useful in any of the $hases.
"hen wor+ing with a winwin a$$roach:
-e hard on the problem
-e soft on the person
"ocus on needs6 not positions
/mphasise common ground
-e inventive about options
Make clear agreements
The +atisfaction Triangle is adated fro% %aterials of C2R Associates; 1>> Araahoe A#enue; +uite
12; Foulder C' <>3>2 U+A
(egotiation H.1>.1
9hase 1
9re$are en#ironment
:ecome clear on outcome
8esearch
Ma$
9hase 2
2elect '$tions
1enerate '$tions
.ducate on needs K
$ers$ecti#es
:uild ra$$ort
9hase 3
9lan re#iew
2et timeframe
De#elo$ action $lan
?orm <greements
3hirt" Secon% 8pener
"rite a 3; second statement as an o$ener to a negotiation.
0, /ngage Interest
"hat would ma+e this $erson interested? )ow might they %enefit?
1, State (bEective
"hat do I want to achie#e?
?, Invite )esponse
"here do we go from here? )ow will I in#ite the ne/t ste$?
After resenting a .thirty second oener;. consider&
"as the statement concise and clear?
Did the other $erson feel that hisher needs had %een addressed?
"hat additional information might heshe ha#e needed?
Did you say or do anything which encouraged a EEnoEE rather than a EEyesEE
res$onse?
(egotiation H.1>.2
&ISC <egotiation St"les Wor)sheet
C(4SCI/4TI(*S DI)/CT
Strengths 'itfalls

Strengths 'itfalls
%reas needing special attention %reas needing special attention
ST%-I&ISI4# I4"&*/4CI4#
Strengths 'itfalls

Strengths 'itfalls
%reas needing special attention

%reas needing special attention
(egotiation H.1>.3
Strategies for +espon%ing to 6nfair
3actics
The aim is not to outHtric+ the other $arty. 8atherC the aim is to maintain the
relationshi$ while resol#ing the issue. :roadlyC reHdirect attention %ac+ to the issue.
*nfair 4egotiation tactics Strategies for )esponding to Them
(egotiation H.1>.!
+espon%ing to 6nfair 3actics
The winwin a$$roach includes these com$onents. 3se them to steer a negotiation in a
$ositi#e directions and $articularly whene#er an unfair tactic has %een used.
)eframe
<s+ a 5uestion to reframe.
8e5uest chec+ing of understanding. *B9lease tell me what you heard methem say.EE,
8e5uest something shehe said to %e restated more $ositi#ely or as an BIB 2tatement.
8eHinter$ret an attac+ on the $erson as an attac+ on the issue.
)espond not )eact
7entre. Manage your emotions.
Iet some accusationsC attac+sC threats or ultimatums $ass.
Ma+e it $ossi%le for the other $arty to %ac+ down without feeling humiliated *e.g. identify
changed circumstances.,
)e9focus on the Issue
Maintain the relationshi$ and try to resol#e the issue.
2ummarise how far youE#e got. 8e#iew common ground and agreement.
?ocus on %eing $artners sol#ing the $ro%lemC not o$$onents.
Di#ide the issue into $arts.
<ddress a less difficult as$ect when stuc+.
In#ite trading currencies *EEIf you will...C then I will...EE,.
Try for agreement in $rinci$le.
./$lore %est and worst alternati#es for a negotiated agreement.
Identif+ *nfair Tactics
4ame the %eha#iour as a tactic.
./$ose the feelings that the tactics ha#e e/$osed.
3se BIB 2tatements.
<ddress the moti#e for using the tactic.
<s+ a%out underlying $rinci$les and commitments.
Change the 'h+sical Circumstances
)a#e a %rea+. 7hange locationsC seating arrangements etc.
1o into smaller grou$s. Meet $ri#ately.
7all for meeting to end now and resume laterC $erha$s Bto gi#e o$$ortunity for reflectionO.
(egotiation H.1>."
<egotiation: $reparation $hase
4eeds and Concerns
"hat are my needs and concerns?
<m I really committed to using a winwin a$$roach? )ow will that affect my aims
and actions?
"hat %eha#ioural style *DI27, do I and the other $arties in#ol#ed usually ado$t?
"hat are the needs and concerns of the other $arties in#ol#ed?
"hat information do I need and what information do others need?
(ptions
"hat agenda items do I wish to raiseC and what are my $referred outcomes?
"hat are my $referred o$tions for meeting that outcome?
"hat other o$tions could %e considered?
"hat is my %est alternati#e to a negotiated agreement?
"hat is my worst alternati#e to a negotiated agreement? 7an I reduce its negati#e
effect?
In what currencies can I trade? "hat can %e easy for me to gi#e and #alua%le for
the other $arties to recei#e? "hat can I as+ for that is hel$ful for me and low cost
for them?
%nticipating the %ctual Meeting
"hat are the $hysical conditions in which I want the negotiations to occur?
"hat emotions of my own may I ha#e to manage?
"hat emotions in others may I encounter and ha#e to res$ond to?
In what ways will I manage and res$ond to these emotions
(egotiation H.1>.8
(irroring
H5es6 thatJs !hat I saidI,
1ediation H.11,1
3he 3hir% $art" (e%iator
Attitudes for Mediators
These attitudes are rele#ant whene#er you want to assistC or are as+ed to assistC in a conflict which
is not your own. It may %e a friend telling you a%out a $ro%lem on the tele$hone. It may %e an
informal chat with %oth $eo$le in the conflict. It may %e a formally organised mediation session.
-e obEective P #alidate %oth sidesC e#en if $ri#ately you $refer one $oint of #iewC or e#en when only
one $arty is $resent.
-e supportive P use caring language. 9ro#ide a nonHthreatening learning en#ironmentC where
$eo$le will feel safe to o$en u$.
-e non9Eudging P acti#ely discourage judgements a%out who was right and who was wrong. DonEt
as+ EE"hy did you?B <s+ B"hat ha$$ened?EE and EE)ow do you feel?B
*se astute <uestioning P encourage suggestions from $artici$ants. 8esist ad#ising. If necessaryC
offer o$tions not directi#es.
*se a !in2!in approach P wor+ towards wins for %oth sides. Turn o$$onents into $ro%lemHsol#ing
$artners.
Mediation Methods
2et some sim$le rules: listen carefullyC state
own #iew$oint clearlyC attac+ the $ro%lem not
the $ersonC loo+ for answers to meet e#eryoneEs
needs.
Define your mediator role as there to su$$ort
%oth $eo$le BwinningB.
1et agreement from %oth $eo$le a%out a %asic
willingness to fi/ the $ro%lem.
Iet each $erson say what the $ro%lem is for
them. 7hec+ %ac+ that the other $erson has
actually understood them.
1uide the con#ersation towards a joint $ro%lem
sol#ing a$$roach and away from $ersonal
attac+.
.ncourage them to loo+ for answers where
e#ery%ody gets what they need.
8edirect EE?oulsEE *4ame 7allingC 9ut DownsC
2neeringC :lamingC ThreatsC :ringing u$ the
9astC Ma+ing ./cusesC 4ot IisteningC 1etting
.#en., "here $ossi%le the mediator reframes
the negati#e statement into a neutral descri$tion
of a legitimate $resent time concern.
Stages in Mediation
(pen
Introductions and agree%ents& "arm u$C
e/$lanationsC arrangementsC discuss the winwin
a$$roach.
/stablish
'#er#ie3& "hat is the matter? .ach $erson
e/$resses their #iew of the conflictC the issues
and their feelings.
2etails& "hat is in#ol#ed? More details. Ma$
needs and concerns. 7larify mis$erce$tions.
Identify other rele#ant Issues. 3se Mirroring.
Move
Re#ie3& "here are they now? Identify areas of
agreement. .ncourage willingness to mo#e
forward. 9ossi%ly meet se$arately.
(egotiation& ?ocus on future action. )ow would
they li+e it to %e? "hat would that ta+e?
De#elo$ o$tions. 3se StradingR to %uild wins for
e#eryone.
Close
Co%letion& Ma+e contracts. 9lan for the futureC
including setting a time to re#iew agreements.
7losing statements.
1ediation H.11,2
1ediation H.11,3
(e%iation S)ills
(pen$ Introductions and %greements
Take charge of the process$ 2et u$ the meeting s$ace. ./$lain that each $arty will
ha#e e5ual time to descri%e hisher #iew without interru$tion. Descri%e the winwin
a$$roach and its em$hasis on needs. 7larify roles and e/$ectations of mediator and
$artici$ants.
/stablish$ (vervie! and Details
"ocus on needs$ <s+ each $erson to descri%e what heshe needs for the situation to
im$ro#e.
*se mirroring$ if emotions are high. This controls a%use and chec+s that each $erson
has heard the other accurately. *)a#e each $erson re$hrase the otherRs statement and
ha#e it confirmed %efore ma+ing a re$ly.,
/ncourage HII statements to clarify how each $erson sees the situation. Discourage
$ersonal attac+s.
Move to specific examples of $eo$leRs needsC concerns and causes of irritation.
%ckno!ledge feelings and than+ $eo$le for o$enly e/$ressing them.
)einforce !illingness to resolve when $eo$le show it.
Move$ Identif+ %reas of %greement and 4egotiate
%sk !hat !ould it take for the situation to %e %etter?
%ckno!ledge common ground and affirm this is the case.
Seek some flexibilit+ and mo#ement from each $arty.
Check out agreement e#en if it is only in $rinci$leC so far.
Develop man+ options, "hat can each $erson do to hel$ sol#e the $ro%lem?
elp define measurable criteria for change, "hat signs will show that the $ro%lem is
%eing addressed?
Close$ Completion
Suggest meeting to e#aluate how agreement is wor+ing.
Check that $eo$le ha#e really agreed and can li#e with the chosen o$tions.
1ediation H.11,4
8servations &uring a (e%iation
WhatAs been identified so far$
4eeds of the $artici$ants:
7oncerns of the $artici$ants:
<reas of common ground shared %y the $artici$ants:
7entral Issues:
7urrencies P what one $erson could gi#e in e/change for something she or he #alues:
9ossi%le '$tions:
<greements:
(bservations of the
'rocess and the Skills
used b+ the Mediator
Strengths Difficulties
2tage 1
2tage 2
2tage 3
2tage 4
1ediation H.11,5
3he S)ills of Conflict +esolution
To resolve conflicts6 it can be helpful to have$ (i) skills to anal+se our motivations and the conflict itself6
(ii) a set of positive attitudes and
(iii) skills for interacting !ith others,
#rouping these skills helps us to consolidate our understanding of them,
In practice6 of course6 skills and attitudes tend to mergeK and all are useful in each of the t!elve maEor skill areas,
T!elve Skills %4%&5SIS S3I&&S %TTIT*D/S I4T/)%CTI(4 S3I&&S
"inl"in <ll of the s+ills %elow "anting whatEs fair for e#eryone <ll of the s+ills %elow
7reati#e 8es$onse 9erfections #s Disco#ery 2eeing conflict as an o$$ortunity 8es$onding rather than reacting
.m$athy DI27 0aluing indi#idualsE differences <cti#e listening
<s+ing 5uestions
3sing em$athy o$eners
Tailoring our a$$roach to suit othersR needs
<$$ro$riate
<sserti#eness
?ightC ?lightC ?low )a#ing res$ect for all $eo$leEs needs and
rights. "anting to meet my own needs and
rights without #iolating those of others.
Ma+ing BIB statements
7oHo$erati#e 9ower 9ower :ases
9ersecutingC 8escuing and 9laying 0ictim
Transforming AI 2houldB to BI 7hooseB
8ecognising Demand :eha#iour P S2houldsR
on others
Difficult :eha#iours: trying to gain $owerC
attentionC a$$ear inade5uate or get re#enge
8eHe#aluating the $ast
"anting to use my $ersonal $ower in a way
that doesnEt diminish others
7onsulting
<cti#e Iistening
3sing BIB statements
1i#ing a$$ro$riate feed%ac+
8educing %laming language
2haring res$onsi%ility and decisionHma+ing
Froadening 0ersecti#es H.12.1
'age 0
3he S)ills of Conflict +esolution >cont;%?
Managing .motions 7ycle of .motions
?ocusing
:elie#ing that e/$ression of emotions $lays
an essential $art in creating richer
relationshi$s.
7hoosing a$$ro$riate ways to e/$ress
emotions
7entreing
<cti#e Iistening
"illingness to
8esol#e
9rojection
Desert Island ./ercise
?orgi#eness
8ecognising that it is #alua%le to e/$lore my
$art of the $ro%lem.
7ommunicating a willingness to resol#e 1i#ing
a$$ro$riate ac+nowledgement and feed%ac+
Ma$$ing Defining the issues
Identifying needs and concerns
"anting whatEs fair for e#eryone <cti#e Iistening
7onsulting
<s+ing 5uestions
./$ressing needs and concerns
Designing '$tions 7larifying the $otential outcomes of
alternati#es
:elie#ing that the %est solution comes out of
e/$loring a range of creati#e alternati#es.
Noint $ro%lemHsol#ingC %rainstormingC
negotiatingC e#aluating o$tions etc.
2tating my alternati#es if we canEt agree
4egotiation <ll of the a%o#e s+ills :elie#ing that needsH%ased negotiation can
%e successful
<ll of the a%o#e s+ills
Ma+ing a reframing res$onse to o#ercome
resistance and direct the flow towards the
$ositi#e
Mediation <Il of the a%o#e s+ills so that mediator
focuses on hisher roleC res$onses and the
$rocessC rather than the contentC of the
mediation
2u$$orting the $artici$ants in the mediation
as the ones %est a%le to decide on
a$$ro$riate solutions.
:elie#ing that a neutral third $arty can $ro#ide
a hel$ful en#ironment to su$$ort $eo$le
resol#ing their own conflicts.
Mirroring
<cti#e Iistening
3sing BIB statements
Noint $ro%lemHsol#ing
:roadening
9ers$ecti#es
<ll of the a%o#e s+ills Mnowing that my limited $ers$ecti#e may %e
only $art of a %igger $icture.
<cti#e listening
<s+ing 5uestions
Demonstrating a willingness to learn
'age 1
Case Stu%" in Conflict
Famil" Feu% 7 $art @
2arah and Iotte are two elderly sisters who ha#e not s$o+en to each other for
twenty years. They argued dreadfully a%out the terms of their motherEs will. Their
mother had left the family home to Iotte who at the time was struggling financially
with her hus%and to %ring u$ three children and li#ed in a rented a$artment. 2arah
was at that time unmarried though she has since married. 2arah was a successful
e/ecuti#e earning a good salary *though not $erha$s as good as mother had
%elie#ed when she de#ised the will,. 2arah was left with her motherEs $ersonal
$ossessions which would ha#e %een worth around three thousand dollars. 2arah
dis$uted the will in court %ut was una%le to $ro#e that her mother was of unsound
mind when ma+ing the will and the court u$held the terms of the will.
IotteEs sonC 8ichardC can see that his mother is in her last years and does not want
his mother to die with this family feud still raging.
Richard is keen to adot a 3in/3in aroach to this conflict. What skills 3ould :e
helful to hi% in analysing the conflict7 What attitudes %ight assist hi%7
$5lore so%e otions Richard could consider; to %o#e to3ards a 3in/3in outco%e.
Identify the %aGor issues; the stes he could take and the skills he 3ould need
.
Famil" Feu% 7 $art A
8ichard hears from a cousin that 2arah would li+e to reH%uild some relationshi$ with
his motherC Iotte. )e discusses this with his mother who then agrees to meet with
2arah. The meeting goes $oorly. 'ld wounds resurface and Iotte and 2arah ha#e a
huge argument. 8ichard tries to calm his mother and hel$ her to see 2arahEs
$ers$ecti#e. Iotte then accuses 8ichard of siding against herC his own motherC and
declares that she doesnEt want to see him again.
Ho3 could Richard no3 %aintain a 3in/3in aroach7 Try to identify secific
e5a%les of strategies he could use and of 3hat he could say and do. Consider
also ho3 to :roaden the ersecti#e on the conflict @e.g. re)define the 3in;
re:alance a loss; consider 3ider conte5t and longer ti%efra%e.B
What 3in/3in outco%e %ight concei#a:ly occur7
Froadening 0ersecti#es H.12.!
3he Split 6p 7 $art @
Iisa and <llan li#ed in a de facto relationshi$ which was cemented %y %uying a
house using a joint loan. The relationshi$ has %ro+en down. Iisa has mo#ed outQ
<llan still li#es in the house. Most arrangements for the dis%ursement of jointly
owned furniture ha#e %een accom$lished with some $ain and further argument.
Instead of $aying rentC <llan now $ays off IisaEs $art of the loan re$ayments. )e is
di$$ing hea#ily into his modest sa#ings to do so.
Iisa now wants to %uy a new home and needs the money she has $ut into the
house. 'n $a$erC <llan cannot afford to %uy Iisa out %y refinancing the loan with his
$resent income. )owe#erC he owns the house his mother li#es in. If he recei#ed rent
from his motherC his total income would satisfy a %an+ as to his a%ility to re$ay.
)owe#erC <llan $rides himself on ta+ing care of his mother in this way.
The $resent situation is really un#ia%le for <llan in the long term and does not suit
Iisa at all right now. <llanEs reluctance to address the financial $ro%lem is ma+ing
Iisa wild. 2he sees him using her ca$ital to $resent a Bgood $ro#iderB image to his
mother.
4isa is keen to adot a 3in/3in aroach to this conflict. What skills 3ould :e
helful to her in analysing the conflict7 What attitudes %ight assist her7
$5lore so%e otions 4isa could consider to %o#e to3ards a 3in/3in outco%e.
Identify the %aGor issues; the stes she could take and the skills she 3ould need.
Froadening 0ersecti#es H.12."
3he Split 6p 7 $art A
Iisa as+s a mutual friendC NeffC to come with her to see <llan to try and sort it all out.
<llan is furious that Iisa has discussed their financial affairs with Neff and dee$ly
resents the interference. <llan says that heEs not lea#ing the house and that heEs not
$re$ared to discuss it with her $ersonally any more. )e assures Iisa that he will %e
a%le to sol#e the $ro%lem shortly. <llan says that he wants all further dealings to %e
conducted through their solicitors.
Iisa does not want to ta+e him to court %ut she is stuc+ and cannot re%uild her life
while this issue is unsettled. <llan does not seem to hear her on this.
Ho3 could 4isa no3 %aintain a 3in/3in aroach7 Try to identity secific e5a%les
of strategies she could use and of 3hat she could say and do. Consider also ho3 to
:roaden the ersecti#e on the conflict @e.g. re)define the 3in; re):alance a loss;
take in the 3ider conte5t and a longer ti%efra%e.B
3he <ew (anager 7 $art @
In a large manufacturing com$any with o#erseas ownershi$C a new manager of the
accounting section was a$$ointed o#er a year ago. The final decision to a$$oint this
$erson was made in 4ew For+.
<t the time the jo% %ecame #acantC the assistant <ccounts ManagerC :illC a$$lied.
)e had wor+ed for the firm for ten years. <lthough without formal accountancy
5ualificationsC he understands the whole financial system of the com$any $erfectly
and is #ery good on the informal lin+s needed with the accounts sections of their
su$$liers. )e is well li+ed %y the staff of eight for his easyHgoing and friendly
a$$roach.
The new a$$ointeeC DanielaC has an accountancy degree and a good trac+ record
in $re#ious com$anies. 2he $rides herself on efficiency and her a%ility to ma+e sure
a jo% is well done. 2he has ru%%ed her staff u$ the wrong way introducing a new
com$uter system whichC as yetC has many %ugs in it. 2he demands a le#el of
efficiencyC $unctuality and 5uietness in the office that the staff has ne#er
e/$erienced %efore and they resent it. 2taff resentment is %eing fuelled %y :ill who
disli+ed Daniela from the first dayC and who is e#en more entrenched in his
o$$osition now. The <ccounts section is now #ery inefficient. In#oices are often sent
lateC and arrears are not %eing handled. ?re5uent errors in wages irritate the staff
enormously from other areas of the com$any. <ll re$orting of errors must go
through Daniela who seems to use any sca$egoats she can. Daniela is often angry
with :ill for things he does not $ercei#e as his fault. The 2enior Manager calls
Daniela and :ill into his office. )e does not want to lose either of them.
The +enior 1anager is keen to adot a 3in/3in aroach to this conflict. What skills
3ould :e helful to hi% in analysing the conflict7 What attitudes %ight assist hi%7
$5lore so%e otions the +enior 1anager could consider to %o#e to3ards a
3in/3in outco%e. Identify the %aGor issues; the stes he could take and the skills
he 3ould need.
3he <ew (anager 7 $art A
<t the meeting with the 2enior ManagerC Daniela and :ill decide to di#ide some
tas+s in the section so that there needs to %e less daily interaction %etween them.
Inefficiencies continue to $lague the com$any. "hen the 4ew For+ 9resident flies in
and hears a%out the $ro%lem in the accounting sectionC he demands the <ustralian
Manager ta+es decisi#e action immediately and fire either Daniela or :ill.
Ho3 could the Australian 1anager no3 %aintain a 3in/3in aroach7 Try to
identify secific e5a%les of strategies he could use and of 3hat he could say and
do. Consider also ho3 to :roaden the ersecti#e on the conflict @e.g. redefine the
3in; re):alance a loss; take in the 3ider conte5t or a longer ti%efra%e.B
Froadening 0ersecti#es H.12.<
3he Bar)ing &og 7 $art @
"an is 0ietnamese and s$ea+s little .nglish. )eC his wifeC three childrenC and their
much lo#ed young dog mo#e into a new neigh%ourhood.
"an and his wife rely on their oldest %oyC Minh P their ten year old son P for most of
their e#eryday communication in .nglish. MinhRs .nglish is much %etter than theirs.
Minh has already %een in trou%le with the nearest neigh%our for %rea+ing one of
their windows with an outHofHcontrol %all and for lea#ing his %i+e on their common
dri#eway.
'ne dayC the neigh%our confronts "an angrily. ?rom what "an understandsC it
seems that the $ro%lem this time has to do with "anEs dog and its %ar+ing when the
family is out. The dog is always chained u$ in the %ac+ garden when they are out.
<s the dog is $retty good when they are at homeC "an finds it hard to understand
the siTe of the $ro%lem to the neigh%our.
Wan is keen to adot a 3in/3in aroach to this conflict. What skills 3ould :e
helful to hi% in analysing the conflict7 What attitudes %ight assist hi%7
$5lore so%e otions Wan could consider; to %o#e to3ards a 3in/3in outco%e.
Identify the %aGor issues; the stes he could take and the skills he 3ould need.
Froadening 0ersecti#es H.12.=
3he Bar)ing &og 7$art A1
'ne dayC "an finds a $oison %ait in the garden near the neigh%ourEs fence. The dog
does not seem to ha#e eaten it %ut "an is #ery angry at this and the danger it
$resents not only to his dog %ut to his younger children.
Ho3 could Wan no3 %aintain a 3in/3in aroach7 Try to identify secific e5a%les
of strategies he could use and of 3hat he could say and do. Consider also ho3 to
:roaden the ersecti#e on the conflict @e.g. re)define the 3in; re):alance a loss.
Take in the 3ider conte5t or a longer ti%efra%e.B
Froadening 0ersecti#es H.12.1>
3he 8val 7 $art @
2ituated in a 5uiet su%ur%an street and surrounded %y %ushland is an o#al owned
%y the local 7ouncil. It is mar+ed u$ for cric+et and is underused. The 2occer
<ssociation is loo+ing for a $ermanent location which can %e $ro$erly fitted out for
nightHtime $laying including floodlighting and a fence to allow money to %e collected
for watching the game. The 2occer <ssociation will $ay the 7ouncil a handsome
rent and relie#e it of the res$onsi%ility of maintaining the grounds. < :uilding
<$$lication is %efore 7ouncil. 2ome residents hear of the a$$lication and are
furious. The o#al is used as a recreation areaC included in wal+s and used often for
e/ercising dogs. If the a$$lication goes through there will %e no access for residents
and the residents %elie#e that the fencing will s$oil the loo+ and charm of the %ush
and o#al wal+s. The traffic through their streets will %e greatly increased when
games are on and the nightHtime floodlighting will interfere with nati#e %ird and
animal life.
A concerned resident; Audrey To%kins is keen to adot a 3in/3in aroach to this
conflict. What skills 3ould :e helful to her in analysing the conflict7 What attitudes
%ight articularly assist her7
$5lore so%e otions Audrey could consider; to %o#e to3ards a 3in/3in outco%e.
3he 8val 7 $art A
<udreyC with some other residentsC calls a meeting in a local hall one e#ening to
discuss the issues. 7ouncil <ldermen and the local M9 are in#ited to attend and do
so. The 2occer <ssociation has not re$lied to its written in#itation. Though the
<ssociation may ha#e an o%ser#er at the meetingC it is im$ossi%le to tell as the
crowd is large and the association hasnEt chosen to ha#e an official guest to s$ea+
from the dais. The Mayor states that the 7ouncil has decided to gi#e the lease to
the 2occer <ssociation %ecause of its %enefits to the community. 2ome residents
want to fight this issue on legal grounds claiming that a lease to the 2occer
<ssociation infringes e/isting Toning regulations. <lsoC there are 5uestions a%out
noise $ollution le#els and suggestions that $rotection may %e gained through a
state go#ernment en#ironmental authority. The meeting degenerates as some
residents start a%using the Mayor and the <ldermenC and others wal+ out.
Ho3 could Audrey no3 %aintain a 3in/3in aroach7 Try to identify secific
e5a%les of strategies she could use and of 3hat she could say and do. Consider
also ho3 to :roaden the ersecti#e on the conflict @e.g. redefine the 3in; re)
:alance a loss; take in the 3ider conte5t or a longer ti%efra%e.B
$rofessionals an% 4olunteers 7 $art @
< fundHraising organisation $re#iously run totally %y #olunteers has %een in
e/istence for many yearsC hel$ed %y many dedicated $eo$le.
4owC a go#ernment grant ma+es it $ossi%le to em$loy some hel$. < full time coH
ordinator is a$$ointed %y the Managing :oardC %ut not from within the grou$ of
#olunteers. 2ome e/H#olunteers also start to recei#e $ayments for wor+ $erformed.
2ome #olunteers now find their su$$ort redundant with $aid $eo$le $erforming
tas+s they used to do for nothing.
The coHordinator is ma+ing these decisions on the %asis of $utting the organisation
on a more $rofessional footing as increased $rofessionalism had %een a stated goal
of the :oard.
There is now a #ery #olatile mi/ture of $aid and un$aid $eo$le wor+ing for the
organisation. 3n$aid staff resent the newcomers. 9aid staff often com$lain a%out
the ha$haTard methods used %y #oluntary staff. < num%er of #olunteers are $ulling
out. < $articularly res$ected and #alua%le #olunteer gi#es notice that she will no
longer %e offering her hel$.
The co)ordinator is keen to adot a 3in/3in aroach to this conflict. What skills
3ould :e helful to her in analysing the conflict7 What attitudes %ight assist her7
$5lore so%e otions the co)ordinator could consider; to %o#e to3ards a 3in/3in
outco%e. Identify the %aGor issues; the stes she could take and the skills she
3ould need.
$rofessionals an% 4olunteers 7 $art A
The end of year figures are out and the $ro$ortion of money s$ent on administration
to money dis$ensed to the charity is distur%ingly high. The two cam$s P $aid staff
and #olunteers P still fight. Immediate action is re5uired to address concerns from
the :oard and %efore the $ress ma+e the figures $u%lic. The :oard is $articularly
concerned a%out the ongoing discontentC the high administration costs and the
$u%lic image of the organisation. It is 5uestioning the a%ility of the coHordinator to do
the jo%.
Ho3 could the co)ordinator no3 %aintain a 3in/3in aroach7 Try to identify
secific e5a%les of strategies she could use and of 3hat she could say and do.
Consider also ho3 to :roaden the ersecti#e on the conflict @e.g. redefine the 3in;
re):alance a loss; take in the 3ider conte5t or a longer ti%efra%e.B
Froadening 0ersecti#es H.12.1!
Wor)place Bargaining 7 $art @
2i/ty migrant women from #arious ethnic grou$sC wor+ in a large te/tile factory.
They ha#e %een told that they will need to reHnegotiate their wor+ conditions as the
factory is running at a loss. Their local union re$resentati#es are highly articulate
and often choose confrontationist strategies. The women fear that if they in#ol#e
themC the management may start sac+ing $eo$leC %e reluctant to consider some
im$ortant concernsC or may close the factory altogether. <t this stageC noHone
amongst the staff has #olunteered to re$resent the grou$ to management. 7hildH
mindingC fle/i%le hoursC and jo%Hsharing are some of their issues.
2i%itra; an e%loyee of fi#e years; is keen to adot a 3in/3in aroach to this
conflict. What skills 3ould :e helful to her in analysing the conflict7 What attitudes
%ight assist her7
$5lore so%e otions 2i%itra could consider; to %o#e to3ards a 3in/3in outco%e.
Froadening 0ersecti#es H.12.1"
Wor)place Bargaining 7 $art A
< meeting has %een called and three womenC one of whom is DimitraC together go
to management to negotiate on %ehalf of e#eryone. They are told that ten women
are to %e dismissed and that management will finalise these dismissals %efore
loo+ing at any other issues.
'n re$orting %ac+ to the other womenC the general o$inion is that it is now time to
in#ol#e the union. 2tri+ing is an o$tion they feel they must consider.
Ho3 could 2i%itra no3 %aintain a 3in/3in aroach7 Try to identify secific
e5a%les of strategies she could use and of 3hat she could say and do. Consider
also ho3 to :roaden the ersecti#e on the conflict @e.g. redefine the 3in; re)
:alance a loss; take in the 3ider conte5t or a longer ti%efra%e.B
Intention/Commitment Sheet
B3ntil one is committed there is hesitancyC the chance to draw %ac+C always ineffecti#enessB
*". ). Murray,
Three maEor things I learned are$
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
Three skills I commit to use regularl+ are$
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
Three specific actions I !ill take are$
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
I !ill check back !ith m+self regarding the above on
(dates)$ ::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::
Signed$

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CONFLICT RESOLUTION

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