Men, take note.

1. When you try and go down on us after a night of partying, it makes us feel really
uncomfortable. We showered, we got ready, we drank, we danced, we sweated and yeah,
were probably not all too fresh down there. Choose your timings better.
2. The clit is a sensitive area. It doesnt benefit from you bashing it like an Xbox controller
button. In fact, it kinda hurts.
3. 70 per cent of women cant climax through penetrative sex alone. We can see that pained
look on your face as you try and hang on for a joint climax, but it aint happening babes.
4. Balls. We just dont know what to do with them. Do we put them in our mouth? Play with
them? Lick them? WHAT?
5. Women dont sit around watching porn together. Theres nothing in the world that could
possibly be more uncomfortable and socially unacceptable than getting aroused while sitting
next to your mates. Well, unless your mates were your parents.
6. Please stop waxing/trimming/shaving your pubes away. We like them. Well, not so much the
bit where they end up in our mouth while were giving you head, but yknow we like them
overall, they remind us of your manliness.
7. Its not that we dont enjoy doggy style, we do. What we dont enjoy is that all were thinking
about the entire time is how much our boobs and bellies are hanging down and swaying like a
set of udders being milked. Sad face.
8. Unless youve literally got a pocket-sized penis, size doesnt matter. Its actually the big scary
penises that upset us more. They hurt and make us bleed and yeah, all that.
9. Pushing our heads doesnt help us give you a blow job. It hinders us and distresses us and
make us fear for our gag reflex.
10. We dont find penis pics sexy. End of conversation.
11. You know that feeling of getting into fresh bed sheets after a hot bath? We like that feeling
during sex too. Not that we dont adore it when were forced to roll around in crumbs and
suspect stains
12. We like a gentle bit of nipple play. But note the gentle. Its not so fun when you squeeze
them so tightly we wonder if youre going through some sort of labour contraction.

13. We dont know our vaginas or have close bonds with them. Were sorry, its nothing like
yours and Mr Bigs relationship.
14. We like kissing. We miss the sort of long make-out sessions we had as teenagers, so if you
ever want to bring that back, thatd be a-OK with us.
15. Dont ever grab our bellies and give it a wiggle. Its not funny, not sexy and we cant be held
responsible if we give you a firm kick in the shin for doing it.
16. Believe it or not, its actually really hard to do professional yoga in the shower we cant
quite reach every ahem, crevice, with the razor. So we apologise in advance for any stragglers.
17. Dont assume every single girl is on the pill. Because, well, condoms.
18. We know you all seem to like tit wanks, but we feel like were doing them wrong. Is your
penis supposed to constantly slip around and fall out of our cleavage? Is that just how it works?
:/ :/ :/
19. Turns out, when we ask you what you like and you say it all feels good, its not that helpful.
Come on guys, give us some specifics. Help us be amazing.
20. If you stroke/squeeze/kiss one boob you do not have to do it to the other one. Theyre not
children fighting for your affection. Theyll be OK.
21. Contrary to popular belief, we dont actually care about your ex girlfriends or people youve
slept with before us. Well, unless its our sister. Or best friend. Or mum. Treat us with that same
respect.
22. We know white T-shirt bras are about as sexy as a white head and were really sorry, they
just make our lives so much blinking easier.
23. Sex toys and penises are not in the same category so stop feeling like youre in
competition with a battery-run device. Sometimes we want cake, sometimes we want ice
cream and sometimes we want chocolate ice cream. Thats just how it works.
24. Just ask us what we like. Except not in a youre loving that, arent you? way that makes us
want to be sick all down ourselves and never see a man naked again.