How to respond to Tears, Fears and Tantrums, second day, Aletha Solter

80% of physical child abuse occurs when a child is crying.

Research on correlations between stress and crying

Prenatal stress or birth trauma

Insufficient holding
Overstimulation
Developmental frustrations
Other frightening experiences

Master in Human Biology Geneva

Two primary responses:

Hyper-arousal responses to stress preparing for fight or flight: pupils dilate, heart rate
increase, digestion is inhibited, adrenaline increase, blood goes in arms in legs (pituitary
gland and adrenal produce cortisol); we have all the resources to escape from the
frightening situation. And crying; I am in danger
Dissociation (freeze or surrender) the trauma is inevitable
Biological: all the hype-arousal symptoms together with endorphins, dopamine similar
with narcotics -> protects the child from pain, its a natural pain killer, conserves energy,
protection from the predators (some animals will not eat a dead animal)
The younger the child is, the greater the dissociation is.

Two problems with our stress response

We are based on hunter-gathered lifestyle: not always adapted for modern stressors; we
are not biological adaptable for all these new situations (interview example)
Trauma reminders can trigger a full-blown stress response (conditional emotional
response): parents fear affect the child
Effects of the hyper-arousal response on health
Chronic sympathetic nervous system arousal
High blood pressure
Heart attacks
Strokes
Chronically high cortisol levels
Lower immune response
Brain damage
Effects on stress behaviour
Hyper-arousal response
1. Hyperactivity, distractibility, impulsivity
2. Aggression, violence
3. Sleep disturbance
4. Fears, exaggerating startle response
5. Frequent temper tantrum

Dissociation (numbing)
1. Withdrawal, isolation, passivity
2. Somatic complaints (fatigue, headache)
3. Self stimulating (thumb sucking)
Basic principles foe healing from emotional trauma
Children need to feel secure and loved
Children need to me reminded of the trauma
Children need to process the trauma through emotional release: talking, laughing, crying,
raging, trebling, or engaging in therapeutic play
When a child needs to cry he has to do it the complete cycle. If he will be interrupted we will
continue it in another point of the day. When you stop a crying, you just postponed it.
Research on crying
Biochemical studies of tears
o Stress hormones are excreted in tears: maybe one purpose of tears is to
eliminate the surplus of substances in the body to find an equilibrium
Physiological studies of crying in adults
o Crying lowers blood pressure, heart rate, body temperature
o Health benefits of crying
Therapy with children involving crying
o Birth recovery therapy
o Flooding therapy for phobias
There no such thing like being too sensitive. Some kids will cry more when adapt.
Common control patterns in adults (habits and addictions to avoid crying: dissociation)

Use of drugs (caffeine, alcohol, nicotine)

Overeating
Nail biting and other habits
Excessive activity
Behavioural addictions (TV, gambling, shopping)

At 6-8 weeks reach a pick of crying and decrease until 3 months.

Control patterns in babies
How stress-release crying gets stopped
Bounce, jiggle, rock
Nurse or give bottle
Give pacifier
Talk, sing, give toys
Put in crib, ignore
Give tranquilizers

Control patterns that can result(mild

dissociation)
Self-rocking, hyperactivity
Addiction to nursing or bottle
Addiction to pacifier
Demanding behaviour
Thumb sucking, attachment to blanket
Addiction to drugs later on

Three different approaches for dealing with night awakenings

The cry-it-out approach can lead to powerlessness, anxiety, and loss of trust, low selfesteem, and insecurity
The soothing approach (nursing, rocking) can lead to frequent night awakenings by
repressing stress-releasing, crying
The crying-in-arms approach helps babies sleep better, enhance emotional and physical
health, leads to secure attachment)
Benefits of crying-in-arms approach
Helps babies sleep better
Babies become calm, content and alert
Helps babies heal from early trauma
Babies feel loved and accepted
Fosters secure attachment
Toddlers become gentle and cooperative
Two aspects of anger
Acting out behaviour
Loud, active
Violent, destructive
No tears
Child feels unsafe
Does not resolve painful feelings

Genuine anger release (temper tantrum)

Loud, active
Non-violent
Crying with tears
Child feels safe
Resolve painful feelings

Sources of childrens fears

Fears resulting from stress or trauma

o Past stress or trauma
o Current stress or trauma
Developmental fears: contributing factors goes by themselves
o Lack of information
o Awareness of death
o Childs imagination

Helping children overcome fears

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Acknowledge the fear

Give accurate information
Offer closeness
Encourage the release of feelings

Therapeutic play (hand-out)

Non-directive: give materials to play
Symbolic play: when a child doesnt want to so something, we can use that scene in a play
Contingency play: let the child lead the game; the child does something and the parent reacts in
way that the child has the feeling of power

Nonsense play: full around

Separation games: hide and seek
Regression games: the child pretends to be a baby for parents with adapted children, a
mother with an anxiety when the baby came
Power-reversal games: parents pretend to be weak and the child has the power
When the child makes a tantrum in public, its important to find a quiet place, far from the others
and have a game or a calming cry.
Good balance of attention
Child feels safe while recalling the trauma
Distress=safety (ex. With the earthquake)
How to create emotional safety
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Provide lots of physical closeness

Provide lots of aware attention
Listen respectfully when child talks
Allow crying and raging
Use the non-authoritarian discipline
Take care of your own needs
Deal responsibly with your own emotions