Elizarraraz 1

Elizarraraz, Michael
Mr. Yoon
Statistics
August 17, 2014
The Story of Self
From an early age I knew that I was drastically different from the boys around
me. Instead of playing with G.I Joes and H.A.LO, I opted for my sister's Barbies and
games mainly marketed towards girls. In return hearing things such as "sissy" and
"faggot" yelled at me became the norm. Being gay raised in a heteronormative society
where I was constantly told to stay inside a specific gender role of being a "man", and if
I challenged any of those beliefs it would be considered taboo; hindering my ability to
accept who I really was. The people around me designed me to be the person that they
envisioned I should be. But as my development from an impressionable child to a selfthinking adolescent I am starting to fully understand who I am as person who is gay, and
to not let people around me shape my identity. The struggles that I have faced while
coming to terms with my sexuality has taught me lessons that have shaped me into the
person I am today.
My experience on how I identify myself with my sexual orientation come from
when I was a young child. I remember dashing out onto my elementary school's molten
pavement; gripping my superman lunch pail for dear life in one hand and my moms
hand in the other. She was in a hurry to drop me off as she was late to work. After
signed me into the daycare she flew off in her cobalt blue Chevy Astro-Van which had
came down with a case of vitiligo, resembling clouds in the sky. Sometime after I got to

Elizarraraz 2
meet the majority of the kids one stood out to me was a kid by the name of Colleen. He
became my best friend and we were inseparable. We would often share each others
toys and we would kiss each others foreheads to show our affection towards each
other. One day, Colleen and I were performing our daily ritual of playing with barbies
behind the tall I would feel an abundance of happiness when I would play with the
dolls. The bright pinks and blues drew the two of us in and dazzled us for hours on end .
Suddenly a group of boys circled us and began taunting us. Throwing rocks and
breaking apart out doll, they chanting homophobic remarks. The screams of
faggot,gay bitches,, and pussies filled the air and reverberated all around us. I
remember feeling extremely scared, and dizzed. Not knowing what was going on
confused on how fast I can go from sheer happiness to absolute despair. Why would
they do this to us I pondered to myself as my teacher applied rubbing alcohol on my
wounds. I stopped talking to Colleen, and playing with barbies after that incident; out of
fear that something like that would occur again if we were seen together. I came to the
conclusion that the reason I was assaulted was because of how feminine I was acting,
and I need to butch up. This was only a preview of the hate that I would experience as
my life progressed.
During my middle school days I started developing a severe depression. I was
extremely confused with who I was as a person. I would let the constant taunts and
bullying from my peers echo in my head for hours, and I would believe that their insults
were true. This would also be the same case when going to church. My parents are
rather religious so going to church on sundays, and reciting Hail Marys was
customary. However, when I would sit in the church pew and listen to the pastor start

Elizarraraz 3
preaching I could feel the blood rush away from my head. Listing to the pastor in a
tirade how homosexuality was an abomination, and anyone who was gay would burn in
eternal hellfire permanently. and he would extol in favor for traditional marriages and I
would feel so alone, and as if I was not normal, because other people told me I was not.
I started to experiment with harmful narcotics, and my mind would erupt with suicidal
thoughts. Morphines circular purple pill bring me great relief. The euphoria would let me
escape all of the tormententers words. But as soon as its high was over, I would soon
have reality slap me in the face, and I would be forced to face all of the negative words
all over again. There was no gay people who were outed, and one who I could really go
to, no one that I could trust at that age. But then I met my long time best friend Brandon.
His words were one the of most enlightening experiences that I have ever experienced.
He would tell me that I should be proud of who I am, and not to let the words of others
shape how I view myself just because of the way I was born doesnt follow the social
norm.
When I entered Da Vinci in my sophomore year I came to terms to who I was,
and two years ago I mustered up the courage to come out to my parents. Compulsively
reciting the words in my head repeatedly Mom I am gay, Mom I am gay But the out
come from it was literally one of the happiest moments that I have ever felt in my life. As
I walked to school that day that suns heat prickled and kissed my pores, and I felt as
though I was weightless. It was as if all of the baggage that I have been carrying for all
of those years had been released and I flying with each step I took. The world felt felt
like it being right after a movie as I walked to school that day. I officially came out to my
friends during a presentation for english. The prompt was to do a presentation of

Elizarraraz 4
yourself by making a mask on how others perceive you, and how you really are on the
inside. My heart was pounding ferously with every person who finished their
presentation, because it meant it was closer for people to know the truth. I realized that
it was now or never. I have never in my life felt such a world wind of emotions. The I felt
as though my brain could not process all of the dopamine being processed through my
synapses that I would pass out. I nervously go throughout my presentation, and towards
the end when I flip to the inside of the mask I said I was unsure of myself at the time
when I made this mask so I did not put anything on the inside...but Im gay. There was
a roaring applause that followed, as I carefully navigated my way to my seat with
embarrassment mixed with relief. My friends congratulated me with hugs, and the
warmth, and love that enveloped me with each tender embrace reassured me that this
need to be done, and that I made the right decision by not letting my sexuality be a
handicap or something to be ashamed of, but a gift.