Adventures in an Ordinary Life

SENIOR SPORTS ADDICTION

Hank Palmer

23 October 2013

Hello. My name is Hank P. I am a senior sports addict.

Whew! That was difficult. A wave of relief sweeps over me. Ive done it. Taken
the crucial first step admitting that I cannot control my addiction or compulsion.
Now that Ive started, I know deep inside that I must continue. Tell the whole
story. Lay my soul bare. Publically proclaim my weakness.
It started when I was a young boy. It has taken different forms, but I know in my
heart that they are all the same. First it was sandlot football and baseball. It seemed so
innocent at the time. All my friends were doing it. Then the uncontrollable urges, the
ugly truth, began to emerge. When our mothers called us for dinner, wed keep playing,
pretending we didnt hear. We played tackle football in the cold and snow, leaving blue
stains from our Levis on the frozen, white ground.
Through the years, the sickness took charge of my life, progressing through
stages of basketball, wrestling, squash, and tennis, with occasional experimentation in
golf, volleyball, and long distance running. I became helplessly hooked on sports.
Now that Ive gone this far, I realize I must come clean by sharing the latest
episode, by acknowledging the truth about the present extent of my habit.
My wife is Jody. She has suffered through 52+ years of marriage to me and my
illness. We recently took a marvelous three-week trip to Tibet, Nepal, and Bhutan.
During the trip, I experienced severe withdrawal from the latest, possibly terminal, stage
of my addiction: pickleball. I shamelessly snuck out at night, desperately trying
without success to arrange games with Yetis, Buddhist monks, and street people
anyone I could find. The Dalai Lama was not available.
At the end of the trip, we travelled for 48 hours from Asia to our home in Fresno,
arriving in the early evening of Thursday, October 10 th. After a brief rest stop at home
on Friday, we left early Saturday morning for the 8 hour, 530 mile drive to St. George,
Utah, where I could resume my addictive behavior.
There I joined 10,000 other addicts, with stories similar to mine, who were
gathered to compete in The Huntsman World Senior Games against the best in their
sport. The Huntsman is the largest multi-sport event for athletes age 50 and over.
Since its inception in 1987, 65 countries and all 50 states have been represented.
Upon arrival, each athlete checks in at The Dixie Center (a huge, modern
convention center) after negotiating a gauntlet of booths with products and services
designed to feed senior sports addiction. On the back of the Official Games Shirt given
each competitor is an ad for Hylands Homeopathic Leg Cramps Stop the Pain! A
free Health Screening is provided for registered participants, apparently to determine if
he or she is still alive, and if so, to identify their danger signs and treatment options as
well as offering contacts for addiction control programs in their home area. Products
touted include miracle cures such as Phiten Titanium Discs, Tornado Bracelets and

Adventures in an Ordinary Life

SENIOR SPORTS ADDICTION
Hank Palmer
23 October 2013

page 2

Triple-Twist Necklaces which employ the exclusive Energy Transport System TM and
Aqua-TitaniumTM that May help relieve pain and increase energy Results vary.
The Huntsman is held annually for two weeks in October. Competition is in 25
sports, most divided into five-year age brackets: Archery, Badminton, Basketball,
Bowling, Bridge, Cowboy Action Shooting, Cycling, Golf, Horseshoes, Lawn Bowls,
Mountain Biking, Pickleball, Race Walking, Racquetball, Road Races, Shooting, Soccer,
Softball, Square Dance, Swimming, Table Tennis, Tennis, Track & Field, Triathlon, and
Volleyball. The Principal Sponsors are Jon and Karen Huntsman.
Despite wrinkles, glasses, gray hair, occasional knee braces, and pronounced,
long term addictive behavior, most competitors appear younger than their age. A few
are plump, many are trim. They come in all sizes large, medium, and small. Some
wear T-shirts with inscriptions like Old Fart, Older Than Dirt, Too Soon Oldt, Too
Late Schmardt, or 70 Is Not Old For A Tree. One couple from Minnesota wears
matching Viking helmets with horns. Theyve experienced everything during their
lifelong addiction to sports, from dominating victories to disappointing losses, injuries,
and aching muscles. They are not as skilled as they used to be, but they keep coming
back here to compete against the best in their age group, doing what they love, meeting
old friends and competitors from around the world, and perhaps winning a medal.
About 500 of these ancient, heavily addicted athletes are pickleballers. Many,
like me, are converts from more demanding racquet sports such as tennis, squash, and
racquetball. Pickleball is played on a small tennis-like court, using oversized ping ponglike paddles and a hollow plastic ball with holes in it, about the size of a softball. Its fun,
easy to learn but challenging to master, and provides great cardio-vascular exercise
with less strain on aging muscles and joints.
With my partner and fellow addict Jim Wainscott, also from Fresno, I entered the
75+ Mens Doubles. Last year, as rank beginners, we had made our first appearance at
The Huntsman. We quickly discovered how little we knew about the game. In a match
against the more experienced team which eventually took the gold medal, we won the
first game and built a substantial lead in the second. At that point, they called time-out,
and after a severe tongue-lashing by one of their spouses, changed tactics from
whacking the ball hard to hitting soft, low shots. Jim and I could whack, but were totally
befuddled by the dinking. Bolstered by their new strategy, the opponents overcame our
lead to win game 2, then won game 3 (and thus the match) convincingly.
Lesson learned! Jim and I worked to develop a more complete game, hoping
wed be more competitive this year. We won our first match handily, but then got waxed
in the second. Amazed, we looked at each other and agreed that this was the best 75+
team wed ever faced. The defeat relegated us to the losers bracket in this double
elimination tournament.
Teams with one loss have the opportunity to fight their way back, by not losing
again, in order to challenge for a medal. This we did, beating all the other teams in the
losers bracket, including the team that had defeated the team which had whipped us so
convincingly. That match was a nail-biter in triple overtime, with each team having
multiple match points.

Adventures in an Ordinary Life

SENIOR SPORTS ADDICTION
Hank Palmer
23 October 2013

page 3

This advanced us to our 8th match of the day, against the unbeaten team from the
winners bracket. If we won that match, wed play them again for the gold medal. If we
lost either of these matches, wed get silver.
Our opponents in the finals were Art Johnson (tall with incredibly long arms and a
serious game face) and Earl Hill (short and jolly) from Washington state. They had
played together for 25 years. Before the match, Earl noticed that I was wearing a
Brooklyn Dodger baseball cap. He pronounced it Very cool, then invited me to,
Check this out! and proceeded to show me the Brooklyn Dodger tattoo decorating his
right shoulder, which was proudly displayed with his sleeveless muscle shirt. We
agreed that we were Brooklyn (not Los Angeles) Dodger fans, and bemoaned the
teams 1957 move west to LA. I offered to let him try on my cap, with the condition that
he grant us 3 points a game. Earl declined, demonstrating remarkable control for a
Brooklyn Dodger addict.
Art and Earl were stout and skillful. We had some good rallies and exciting
points with them, but they took us out, 2 games to none, eliminating the need for a 2 nd
match. After the medal presentation ceremony, Art commented to me, You guys have
real potential as soon as you learn how to play the game.
Pickleballers and fellow addicts from Fresno did well at The Huntsman, with
seven of us winning a total of thirteen medals:
Lola Benneyan
Pat Pope
Jim Wainscott
John Browning
Hank Palmer
Tom Pope
Frank Benneyan

Gold
Gold
Bronze
Gold
Silver
Silver
Gold
Silver
Silver
Bronze
Silver
Silver
Bronze

75+ Womens Singles

65+ 3.5 Skill Level Womens Doubles
75+ Mixed Doubles
60+ Women Doubles, Division B
60+ Mixed Doubles, Division C
50-64 3.0 Skill Level Womens Doubles
80+ Mens Singles
75+ Mens Doubles
75+ Mixed Doubles
75+ Mens Singles
75+ Mens Doubles
60+ Mixed Doubles, Division C
75+ Mixed Doubles

That evening, after the marathon day of 75+ Mens Doubles, Jody and I, along
with many other Huntsman athletes and spouses, attended the Motown Revue Hitzville,
a one-night-only free show brought in from Las Vegas, presented at Burns Arena on the
Dixie State University campus. The music was loud, lively rock and roll from the
Motown era. During this wonderful performance, despite the noise, bright lights, and
excruciating knee pain from the long day of pickleball and cramped seating, I was able
to get some much needed rest by dozing off multiple times.
The previous evening, Jody and I had joined Jim and Jean Wainscott for dinner
at the Mongolian Barbeque restaurant. One chooses a small, medium, or large bowl,
which we each fill with our choice of an amazing variety of meats, vegetables, and

Adventures in an Ordinary Life

SENIOR SPORTS ADDICTION
Hank Palmer
23 October 2013

page 4

exotic sauces, then hand to a chef who, with a series of flourishes, stirs each portion
around on a huge metal grill until cooked, then dramatically returns it to the proper bowl,
which we take to a table. There we are confronted by the proprietress, a friendly, happy
but acerbic Mongolian, with whom we exchange clever insults. When we have eaten as
much as we can, she provides us with fortune cookies. My fortune reads, Consider reexamining your exercise program. Probably a good idea, in light of my addiction. My
current program consists of taking the dogs for a run down at the river (1 hours most
days), pickleball practice and matches (2-3 hours, 5 or 6 days per week), yoga (2 hours
twice each week), weightlifting (1 hours once or twice per week), and golf (once or
twice annually).
Jim and Jean next take us to Nielsens Frozen Custard which they discovered
during their many previous visits to St. George (Jim had entered golf and tennis events
in the past). This establishment, appropriately, serves frozen custard. It comes in
several forms: cup or cone, sundae or banana split, and concrete (a super-thick shake
made in one or more of many flavors). Without a doubt, the best frozen desert Ive ever
had. A new addiction.
After one of our matches, the court referee, obviously familiar with senior
addictive behavior, remarked how impressed she was by the positive attitude,
demeanor, and performance of all four participants. She hoped that when she was as
ancient as we, shed still be alive and able to have as much fun. Clearly an enabler.
Alice Dodgson from Norton Shores, Michigan, one of the 75+ pickleballers,
expressed what may be in the minds of many competitors at The Huntsman. Smiling,
Alice said, I finally decided Nuts! What am I waiting for? Im gonna go for it. I might
not be around next year. Im going to do what I love: go to pickleball tournaments,
travel, spend time with friends. Indulge. She then proceeded to play some great
matches, laugh frequently, and exceed her expectations by winning several medals.
Sure signs of senior sports addiction.
My own case reveals the depth of this sickness. After driving back to Fresno on
Thursday, I found myself totally out of control Friday morning, playing pickleball at
Sunnyside Health Club. Further evidence: in mid-November, my enabler Jody and I will
drive to Buckeye, Arizona for the USA Pickleball Association National Tournament, then
in early December, to Santa Fe, New Mexico for the Kiva Classic Squash Tournament.
I plan on establishing, here in Fresno, a chapter of the SSAA (Senior Sports
Addicts Anonymous), in order to reach out to those as troubled as I.