Jonathan Rodriguez

2/27/15
P.5

The one there once was.

The mistakes I've made are dead to me. But I can't take back the things I never did.
Jonathan Safran Foer
I was very young when it all occurred; the sense of fear, distress, and the confusion all hit
me at once as I witnessed my older brother Dwayne being taken away. Men with guns and body
armor all swarmed my home. Not understanding the current situation I looked toward my father
for answers, he looked back at me and said everything will be okay. Looking back at my
brother trying to fight off the men I had this urge, this voice telling me to help him. I sprung up
and ran towards the men trying to get them off my brother. With no other thought coursing
through my mind I was blinded through my rage and frustration and couldnt hear my brother or
father telling me to move. Two loud bangs, two shots to my chest from a .44 magnum that was
all it took to change my life forever. I was conscious long enough to just see my brother and
father standing there motionless as if nothing happened. Then I blacked out.

Wow that is incredible and just terrifying for a nine year old to to have to go through that.
Please Blake continue on to where and when did you wake up and what happened? I thought
long and hard trying to figure out a way to answer the question I was just asked. Breaking the
silence the interviewer came back up to say If you need a moment we can go to commercials
and let you think. I stared into her eyes and finally tried to explain what happened next, but just
the thought of it made me break down emotionally. We cut to commercials so I was able to get
myself together, once we came back I told her that I was ready and she asked the questions again.
I took a deep breath alright, this is how it went.
I woke up hours later, a light blinding my eyes, laying down with a pain in my chest.
Trying to look and make sense of where I was I heard an unattached voice from somewhere in the
room, I made out what the voice was saying. It said Hes awake. Then a man with a white robe,
mask, and gloves with these strange tools in his hand and around his neck came up to me and said
son you are in Eden Hospital, you have been comatose for roughly 2 weeks since the incident.
In panic I screamed for my brother and my father I even screamed for my mother who passed
away giving birth to me. Dont move you will open the wound said the man. Passing my hands
through my chest I felt this long scar going down my body. I looked back at the man who are
you, what did you do to me, and where is my father and brother? The man sighed your father
committed suicide three days ago. I didnt understand what he meant or what he was trying to
say, he saw the confusion in my face and put it in simpler terms for my young mind to
understand. Son your father is dead, he killed himself because he thought you were never going
to wake up. What a fool he was. He didn't have to say no more I understood but honestly I felt
nothing, remembering that he did nothing but stand there made me lose all feelings towards him.
Made me lose all feelings for everyone and everything.

"Now I heard that for the next couple of years you were in and out of rehab not only for
pain but also for the traumatic experience you had. We were told you were sent off to different
countries met certain people in your life." "Well yes" I replied "but I will get to that shortly".
After I was finally cleared and out of the hospital I was picked up by a friend of my fathers and
he took he back to his home. Between him and his wife they cared for me and managed to
somewhat get me back on my feet. As the days past my wounds healed and my body got better
but my mind was deteriorating by the day also. I started to get nightmares at first, nothing major
but it sure did keep me up at night. It went on for a couple of days eventually progressing into
something bigger. I fell into this state of paranoia, thought everything that was pointed my way
everything that was given to me would hurt me. Depression hit soon after I didn't eat, I was
scared to sleep, scared to be outside, I locked myself in my room away from the world believing
everything was out the to bring me pain and twist my mind. I remember at one point thinking to
myself this is how I die stuck in this room alone. My caretakers started to worry they started
noticing how I have changed, how my mental health and my health both have been slowly
getting worse and worse. They let the years passed and allowed me to get worse and worse till
one day I couldnt take it anymore. The day was November 27, 2036 thanksgiving day.

Just before the food was ready I was helping set up the table when I just had this thought.
I went out into the back where all the tools were and dug deep till I finally found the hunting
knife. At that moment I just thought I was going to join my mom and dad in heaven. Here I
come mom youll finally be able to see your babies face. I placed the knife to my throat as if I
were to slice it right open, those being my intentions, but then I felt this force smack the knife out
of my hand and tackle me to the ground. It was my fathers friend my foster father he was
saying something but I was too focused on just killing myself that all he was saying to me was
just useless noise.

So you were going to kill yourself?! the interviewer asked me Yes I wanted all the pain
and suffering to just end all together. She gave me this haunting look as if I was crazy and
honestly I believe I am. I understand that after the incident you were taken into a rehabilitation
center. It was more like psychiatric ward I replied. I proceeded to go in further into my
memory to that time. It was around five years after the incident and going in and out of rehab that
my life started taking impacts from different directions. First the wife of my fathers friend who I
never cared to learn her name passed away due to a reason that I obviously didnt care about.
That moment, her death threw away all the years of rehab away. I wont get into detail because
there arent things of much importance there. I said to my interviewer.

My fathers friend as a way to make me escape from everything, between him and my
doctor they set up these trips for me. They both confronted me about the trip and told me I was
going to fly alone to three different countries where I would meet with different people and each
will help me with my growing problem. I was being flown to Paris, Spain, and Brazil. I was in a
sort of confused state because I did not understand why I this was happening, all I knew was that
I had to pack and get ready to leave in a few days. How long will I be gone I asked the doctor
quickly turned around and said as long as you need to be till you are stable again.
I was quick to pack and in no time I was boarding the plane. First I landed in Paris, who
after the war became the new America. They were free, they had it all, and they were the greatest
place on earth. Europe being the greatest country after Americas destruction. Upon landing I was
greeted by this man he did not say his name he just said "I'm here to help you escape your past".
He was a short man somewhere around my age fat with blue eyes. He walked me outside the
airport into this broken down car not uttering a word in between.
I broke the silence and asked where we are going. He turned to me and gave me this blank
almost dead stare and continued driving. A feeling of nostalgia ran through me for and unknown
reason. We pulled up in this ugly broken home whom I quickly figured was his by the way he got
out the car and ran towards it, at this point I believed this guy was insane. "So anyways I got my
stuff and brought it inside". "Wait" said the interviewer "How did you know he was telling the
truth and he wasnt some crazy man". I replied "Easy... He was scared to even look at me in the
face". Entering his home I saw garbage clothes it was a complete mess. He came running down
the stairs apologizing for the mess.

He took my bags and disappeared upstairs again. Hearing crashes and thumps I quickly
ran upstairs to find him buried under trash and bags. I helped him up even though I found it funny
watching him struggle. After everything was picked up and sort of cleaned he sat me down
looked me straight in the face, "Hi my name is Italo Veliz I am from Paris and I work as a nurses
assistant. I am 19 years old, As you can see I am poor no money for anything." I had to stop him
so he can catch his breath. He continued with the lengthy introduction "I was told to help you
learn to escape your past and let your true feelings out". "Very well I introduced myself now you
introduce yourself".
Just as I was going to begin speaking he was quick to stop me he said there was no
reason he knew all about me and what happened to me. For the first couple of weeks I was locked
in the disgusting home this man owned. He would go in and out every day only saying hi and
bye. It has now been 11 months 26 days and I only seen the outside a couple of times saw nothing
new or of importance italo wouldn't speak to me anymore. So I took it upon myself to leave and
follow him when he left you know some entertainment for the horrible hospitality. Not long in the
pursuit I witnessed the reason for everything. Italo turned a corner and I stayed near by just
behind him when I heard these voices.
These men appeared out of nowhere started screaming saying these horrible things
making fun of poor italo. I did not dare to step in, then... They started beating on him with
everything in their power. All because he was fat poor and not a smart cookie just like them. Italo
in sheer pain manage to let out a couple cries for help, But I was too frightened to do anything to
help him. The men left after a good minute or so and I ran towards Italo to see if he was okay.
Nearing him I saw blood everywhere streaming from every part of his face. After helping him up
he looked at me and said This is where your lesson begins.

We went back home, there he washed his faced fixed up his cuts and cleaned himself up.
He met me in the living room sitting smiling. If only he knew that I couldve helped him but I
was too scared to do anything. He punched me in the arm and said you look like youve see a
ghost relax. I tried to crack a smile or a smirk anything to take away my guilty frightening look.
You know even though all this happens to me on a daily basis it has never been this bad he says
smiling away a tear falling from his eye. But when it does happen I come home as fast as I can, I
cry here, I scream here, I do anything I can to let it out and forget. If I dont I will end up just like
you a lunatic trying to kill himself every day. Me being the person I am with my anger and hate
I lashed out at him screaming at his face that he knows nothing to keep his mouth shut. You see
I couldve been hostile and aggressive with them but for what. It will just bring me more pain.
You have to learn to just accept things you have to learn to let your feelings out and also try not
to hurt others or yourself in the process. From that moment on he changed, everything changed.
Italo would be more aggressive with me provoking me assaulting me as if I was a dog. All
these actions all these changed feelings. They were all to teach me and to help me to not let
anything build up inside me to let the hate, the anger, the sadness, to let all my emotions out, but
at the same time forgive and forget. I started to get used to it till one day he told me to go down to
the library to get a book. Now since he never let me out of the house I had no clue where it was
but I decided why not and went on to find it. I mustve been out for at least two or three hours
just walking around finally getting to see a piece of Paris and what it turned into.

I found an alley where cross I saw the library so I decided to go through. While walking
through I hear this sort of familiar sound. I look around and see no one, but once I start walking
these men, the same men that attack my friend were there waiting for me. I put my head down
and walked as I didnt see them. I guess they took that as a sign of disrespect. Without word,
without warning they ran at me started beating me. While I was taking my beating all I could
think was Hear is where I die. This is where it ends. Suddenly they leave and out comes Italo
from the shadows. A smile on his face he comes up to me and says You didnt help me, I didnt
help you how does that make you feel? What happened after was a sort of awakening I realized
why he did what he was doing. I always knew but now it was more than clear to me now. I for
some reason felt no hate felt nothing almost as if my feelings were ripped out of me.
But they werent. I got up and ran back to the house. As I ran the tears fell down my face
the feelings started to hit me. I felt betrayed, as I ran into the house I screamed, cried hit
everything I go till I finally settled down. In through the door came my trusty friend Italo. He
came up to me put his hand on my hand and softly said good job not exactly what I meant but
you did well. That same moment he pointed behind me to where my bags were. He laughed and
said that his work was done get your stuff your flight leaves in an hour.
Didnt know where I was going or when I was getting there I just knew it was going to be
a quick stay Italo told me a week at most so I had no time for anything. We are now landing in
Spain. I paid no attention to anyone upon landing or anything honestly I just walked and walked
till I finally made it out. I was met at the front door by this man tall skinny middle aged good
looking man with a name tag that read Lionel. He was quick he didnt waste time talking to me
or anything. He just said lets go we have to pay some people a visit.

He was like I said quick so he rushed me to his car threw my bags in there got into the
drivers seat and off we went. Uhhhh Lionel where are we going? We young man are going
off to the hospital so you can speak to some people you are only here for a week you know. All I
can think to myself was what the hell and who the hell was he taking me to talk to and why is that
necessary. Let me stop you there. Is this where you met the old man? Yes maam let me get
there and stop interrupting. We finally made it to the hospital and Lionel said whatever you do
dont talk about any of the deaths in your family or anything negative just sit and listen.
We went up to the sixth floor I read a sign that said psychiatric rehabilitation Ive never
heard of such place, me completely forgetting I was in such a room not so many years back.
Walking toward the end of the corridor we come across this room with the red door the only room
with such a door. Lionel told me to wait outside when we got there and outside I waited for at
least 5 minutes but that didnt concern me. He later came outside and said come here I walked
inside and saw this old man, he was missing an arm a leg and had a facial paralysis. The man
looked at me and with the most joyous smile screamed hello and began to laugh historically. I
looked at Lionel as asking what I do. He nodded and lipped to say hello back and be normal.
The man face quickly changed and he started speaking before I can tell him anything. The
man said my name is Mario and I was told that with my son we must help you with a current
situation and youre not staying here long so we have to work fast. Sure Mario whatever you
say. I didnt know what to say to the man I was shocked at what I was looking at. Lionel laughed
and pointed at his father pretty much telling me to analyze him to take a good look at the broken
man. He asked me what I saw and I responded in the only way I could A happy man. Mario
laughed and said I couldnt be any happier. I asked myself how can this man be this happy
missing and arm a leg his face broken no wife by what I can see a son that does nothing.

I dared to ask him how you are so happy given your circumstances. He look deep into my
eyes and said I am alive. He proceeded to tell me the story of the accident he had with him and
his wife and how he lost everything. Me being me I paid no attention to it whatsoever I was still
trying to figure out how he can be so happy. Lionel snapped his fingers and asked me to please
explain thoroughly to his father what had happened to me and I did. While explaining they both
in a way laughed at me, both looked as they were not interested at all. When I stopped talking
Lionel got up took a deep breath It happened get over it, no reason to ruin your life its in the
past nothing can be done about it accept it and move on with a happy life. Mario said he
couldnt have had said it better himself. Feeling disrespected I grabbed my stuff and left.
I later came back because I figured what they said is the truth and I do need to move on.
So the week that I was there every day I spent with Mario and Lionel both helping me see that the
past is the past and I am not in the past I am living in the present and that I should cherish it as
much as I can. By the end of the week I was over it the topic did not bother me anymore I felt
more at ease I felt happier and free. I even looked at Mario different he without words taught me
something else. That no matter what is thrown at us what complications or what obstacles are in
the way nothing and no one will stop us from overcoming them. Something I kept with me up to
this day. Blake listen we appreciate your story but our time is running short you will have to
wrap it up. You know what honestly after that I came back to America back home happy, and
free and just a changed man. Now I am married with a kid and a beautiful wife. Just as I say that
I hear footsteps behind me and a familiar voice saying Im sorry little bro. I looked at the
interviewer who had a huge smile on her face tears down her face about to burst in happiness.

I said what the hell why not. I turned around and what I saw, who I saw was a man I did
not recognize. I looked at him puzzled and he said Blake its me Dwayne. I was slow to react
because I havent seen him in nearly 20 years. I stood up and examined the man who declared
himself my brother I did not believe it until he said I heard what happened to dad I heard what
they made you do I know it all. For some reason that was what finally persuaded me. I broke
down into tears hugged him as hard as I could. And then he said I have something to tell you.
Saying that he had this saddening look almost as he was about to apologies.
This man opened his mouth finally, he said look there is no easy way to say this. I just
wasnt to apologies I want to say sorry for never being there for you when I shouldve I am sorry
for letting dad die. I am sorry for leaving you when I shouldve. He sighed the tears already
running down my face. Then he sat me down grabbed my hands and said back then I did
something I promised myself I would never get over, that I would punish myself the day I saw
you, that I will forever be guilty. Tears in his eyes he said I pulled the trigger.