GROUCHO MARXS SENTENCES

- When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay!
- If I held you any closer I'd be in back of you.
- A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- "A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke".
- Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very
early
age.
- I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG
TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER".
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend reading it.
- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.
- I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and
read a good book.
- We'll put free sheets on all the beds, there'll be no cover charge.
- No, my friends. No, money will never make you happy, and happy will never make you money.
That might be a wisecrack, but I doubt it.
- Ice water? Eat an onion that'll make your eyes water!
- I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
- Whatever it is, I'm against it!
- I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you
arrived.
- Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.
- A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
- A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
- A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back
of it.
- Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long
enough.
- An apprentice mortician? What, do you only bury live people?
- Before I speak, I have something important to say.
- Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
- Blood's not thicker than money.
- Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend reading it.
- Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!
- I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.
- I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both
crazy about girls.
- I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions the curtain was up.
- I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
- I drink to make other people interesting.
- I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that.
- I intend to live forever, or die trying.
- I made a killing on Wall Steet a few years ago...I shot my broker.
- I remember the first time I had sex I kept the receipt.
- I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when
I was a kid.
- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our
contract.
- I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
- I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
- I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

- If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much -- just an occasional sun visor.
- If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don't come running to me.
- If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
- If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
- In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air
and kid the people.
- It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
- It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
- It's nice to have met you, and I've got nobody to blame but myself.
- Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution?
- This has also been attributed to Mae West
- Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
- Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
- Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
- My favourite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days hath September" because it actually tells
you something.
- My mother loved children. She would have given anything if I had been one.
- My mother treated us all equally ... with contempt.
- My son is half-Jewish. Can he wade in up to his knees?
- When told that a swimming pool was off-limits to Jews
- No-one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
- Now, there's a man with an open mind. You can feel the breeze from here.
- Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He used to live in whales for a
while.
- Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 follow women.
- Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
- Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and
applying the wrong remedies.
- Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
- Room service? Send up a larger room.
- She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
- A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
- That kid's so smart, he could be the fifth Marx Brother.
- The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his
checkbook open.
- The only game I like to play is Old Maid provided she's not too old.
- The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made.
- There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is
crooked.
- There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!
- Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- Time wounds all heels.
- We should pull out. Which is what Nixons father should have done.
- Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in
it.
- You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
- It is better to have loft and lost than never to have loft at all.
- I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

"A quin va usted a creer, a m o a sus propios ojos?"

"Bebo para hacer interesantes a las dems personas".

"Citadme diciendo que me han citado mal"

"Claro que lo entiendo. Incluso un nio de cuatro aos podra entenderlo. Que me traigan un nio
de cuatro aos!."

"Conozco a centenares de maridos que volveran felices al hogar si no hubiera una esposa que les
esperara. Quiten a las esposas del matrimonio y no habr ningn divorcio."

"Creo en m antes que en Dios, pero el problema es que me lleva ventaja porque hay un libro que
habla de l y "Playboy" aun no quiere editar un desnudo mo..."

"Cuando muera quiero que me incineren y que el diez por ciento de mis cenizas sean vertidas sobre
mi representante"

"Debo confesar que nac a una edad muy temprana"

"Desde el momento en que cog su libro me ca al suelo rodando de risa. Algn da espero leerlo"

"Detrs de un gran hombre hay una gran mujer. Detrs de ella est su esposa."

"Disculpen si les llamo caballeros, pero todava no les conozco bien".

"[...]Dos semanas ms tarde, el plancha pantalones mgico estaba instalado. Fuera, en un letrero
colgante, los nombres de Marx y de Jefferson se balanceaban orgullosamente. En la actualidad, estos
nombres reprensentan teoras polticas tan distanciadas como la mayor parte de los matrimonios; pero
para aquellos Marx y Jefferson concretos slo significaban la fama y la fortuna"

"Durante mis aos formativos en el colchn, me entregu a profundas cavilaciones sobre el

problema del insomnio. Al comprender que pronto no quedaran ovejas que contar para todos, intento
el experimento de contar porciones de oveja en lugar del animal entero."

"El matrimonio es la principal causa del divorcio"

"El matrimonio es una gran institucin. Por supuesto, si te gusta vivir en una institucin."

"l puede parecer un idiota y actuar como un idiota, pero no se deje usted engaar, es realmente
un idiota."

"El secreto del xito se encuentra en la sinceridad y la honestidad. Si eres capaz de simular eso, lo
tienes hecho."

"En esta industria, todos sabemos que detrs de un buen guionista hay siempre una gran mujer, y
que detrs de sta est su esposa."

"En las fiestas no te sientes jams; puede sentarse a tu lado alguien que no te guste."

"Es mejor permanecer callado y parecer tonto que hablar y despejar las dudas definitivamente."

"Es una tontera mirar debajo de la cama. Si tu mujer tiene una visita, lo ms probable es que la
esconda en el armario. Conozco a un hombre que se encontr con tanta gente en el armario que tuvo
que divorciarse nicamente para conseguir donde colgar la ropa."

"Estos son mis principios. Si no le gustan tengo otros."

"Fuera del perro, el libro es el mejor amigo del hombre. Dentro del perro, quiz est muy oscuro
para leer".

"Hace tiempo conviv casi dos aos con una mujer hasta descubrir que sus gustos eran
exactamente como los mos: los dos estbamos locos por las chicas."

"Hay muchas cosas en la vida ms importantes que el dinero. Pero cuestan tanto!"

"He disfrutado mucho con esta obra de teatro, especialmente en el descanso."

"He pasado la mejor noche de mi vida, pero no ha sido esta".

"Hijo mo, la felicidad est hecha de pequeas cosas: Un pequeo yate, una pequea mansin, una
pequea fortuna."

"Hoy no tengo tiempo para almorzar. Trigame directamente la cuenta." (Al camarero de un
restaurante)

"Humphrey Bogart vino la otra noche a casa y acab completamente borracho, algo por otra parte,
bastante normal en l. Cuando va cocido es un pelmazo, pero la verdad es que no mejora mucho
cuando est sobrio."

"Humor es posiblemente una palabra; la uso constantemente y estoy loco por ella. Algn da
averiguar su significado"

"Jams aceptara pertenecer a un club que admitiera como miembro a alguien como yo."

"La humanidad, partiendo de la nada y con su slo esfuerzo, ha llegado a alcanzar las ms altas
cotas de miseria."

"La justicia militar es a la justicia lo que la msica militar es a la msica"

"La poltica es el arte de buscar problemas, encontrarlos, hacer un diagnstico falso y aplicar
despus los remedios equivocados."

"La prxima vez que lo vea, recurdeme no saludarlo."

"La televisin ha hecho maravillas por mi cultura. En cuanto alguien enciende la televisin, voy a la
biblioteca y me leo un buen libro."

"Lo malo del amor es que muchos lo confunden con la gastritis y, cuando se han curado de la
indisposicin, se encuentran con que se han casado."

"-Me deja su chaqueta, seor Marx?

-S, que la tengan lista para el jueves" (En el guardarropa)
"Mi madre adoraba a los nios. Hubiera dado cualquier cosa porque yo lo fuera."
"No es la poltica la que crea extraos compaeros de cama, sino el matrimonio"
"No es usted la seorita Smith, hija del banquero multimillonario Smith? No? Perdone, por un
momento pens que me haba enamorado de usted."

"No estoy seguro de como me convert en comediante o actor cmico. Tal vez no lo sea. En cualquier
caso me he ganado la vida muy bien durante una serie de aos hacindome pasar por uno de
ellos."
"No piense mal de m, seorita. Mi inters por usted es puramente sexual."
"No puedo decir que no estoy en desacuerdo contigo"
"No rerse de nada es de tontos, rerse de todo es de estpidos."
"Nunca olvido una cara, pero en su caso estar encantado de hacer una excepcin".
"Nunca voy a ver pelculas donde el pecho del hroe es mayor que el de la herona."
"O l ha muerto o se ha parado mi reloj."
"Oh! Nunca podr olvidar el da que me cas con aquella mujer... Me tiraron pldoras vitamnicas
en vez de arroz."
"Pagar la cuenta? Que costumbre tan absurda."
"Paren el mundo que me bajo".
"Pienso que todo el mundo debera creer en algo. Yo creo que voy a seguir bebiendo."
"Por qu debera preocuparme por la posteridad? Qu ha hecho la posteridad por m?"
"Por qu dicen amor cuando quieren decir sexo?".
"-Por qu y cmo ha llegado usted a tener veinte hijos en su matrimonio?
-Amo a mi marido.
-A m tambin me gusta mucho mi puro, pero de vez en cuando me lo saco de la boca."
"-Qu hara si pudiera volver a vivir toda su vida?
-Probar ms posiciones."
Quiere usted casarse conmigo? Es usted rica? Conteste primero a la segunda pregunta.
"Recuerde, seor, que estamos luchando por el honor de esta mujer, probablemente mucho ms de
lo que ella nunca hizo por s misma".
"Se parece a un ascensorista que conoc en Lima, Ohio, hace quince aos."
"Seorita... envele un ramo de rosas rojas y escriba "Te quiero" al dorso de la cuenta."
"Servicio de habitaciones? Mndenme una habitacin mayor."
"Si sigues cumpliendo aos, acabars murindote. Besos, Groucho."
"Siempre me cas un juez: deb haber exigido un jurado."
Soldado: "General, no se da cuenta de que estamos disparando a nuestros hombres?"
General Groucho: "Tome un dlar y guarde el secreto".
"Slo hay una forma de saber si un hombre es honesto: preguntrselo. Si responde s, ya sabemos
que es un corrupto"
"Slo lo barato no resulta caro"
"Soy tan viejo que recuerdo a Doris Day antes de que fuera virgen."

"Supongo que haba que inventar las camas de agua. Ofrecen la posibilidad de beber algo a media
noche sin peligro de pisar al gato."