Around and Back Again

My Vacation in Middle Earth

I thought the best way to start my

vacation was with a week in the
picturesque Shire. Dwalin, son
of Balin (and my travel agent),
had alerted me to a last-minute
opening for a timeshare in a quaint
little district called Hobbiton. Ive
always had a weak spot for hobbit
architecture, so I jumped at the
opportunity. I was ready for a nice,
relaxing week in the coziest hole ever
dug into a hill.
Instead, I found a complete
disaster. The previous occupant had
left after throwing the biggest dinner
party the house had seen in years.
The kitchen and dining room were
in shambles, with smashed pots and
plates lying on the floor and smears
of what I could only hope was food
covering the walls. My first night in
Hobbiton was spent cleaning and
restoring the place to the condition it
had been advertised as.
I mentioned that I was a fan of
the architecture. Unfortunately,
I was completely ignorant of the
scale. Hobbits, I learned, measure on
average 31/2 feet tall, and the home
was built to scale. By the end of the
week, I had a number of bruises all
over my head from collisions with the
too-close ceiling, and my back was
fixed at a 45-degree angle.

Rivendell Nightlife

I left the quiet countryside of the

Shire and made my way to the
high-rolling city of Rivendell. The
city boasts symphonies, open-air
theatre, dance halls, and some of
the best-reviewed restaurants on

94 fall 2015

this side of the Misty Mountains.

All that and everyone in the city is
beautiful, its occupants dressed in
the latest fashions.
Its a shame I couldnt speak a
lick of Elvish, and if any of the locals
understood me, then they certainly
didnt let on. I ended up eating in
the first restaurant I found and ate
something chosen at random from
the menu. I spent the next two days
in my hotel bathroom with food
poisoning, chewing on lembas bread
to settle my stomach.

Spelunking in Moria

Dwalin next directed me to the Misty

Mountains, where I was to meet up
with a spelunking team. Just as in the
Shire, I was the tallest of the group,
but now I was the least hairy as well
even among the women. Our guide
led us into the mountain and down
into the Mines of Moria.
While Bag End had left me feeling
claustrophobic, the mines were
anything but confining. The dwarven
forefathers built impressive halls
with enormous, intricately engraved
pillars. Some rooms had ceilings
so high that it was like staring at a
starless night sky. It was a shame to
see such impressive work
lying in ruin. Balin,
a member of our
party, mentioned
something about
moving in to
renovate the
place.
I only wish I could
have had more time to
admire the fine masonry.
As it was, two of the

younger dwarves in the group made a

commotion, and our party was chased
out by the indigenous orc population.

Hiking into Mordor

One does not simply hike into

Mordor. It is a barren wasteland,
riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The
very air you breathe is a poisonous
fume. All around you, the terrain
is scorched and littered with the
remains of those who have gone
before. This is not a day trip for casual
hikers in loafers and camelbacks. This
trek should only ever be undertaken
by seasoned mountaineers with
years of experience under their belts
and only after weeks of intense,
specialized trainingsomething that
my travel agent should have brought
to my attention before I started off.
As it was, I spent most of the trip
suffering from heat exhaustion and
hallucinations, and my guide was
forced to carry me up the final incline
on his back. My gear was left behind
for the orcs because he couldnt carry
it for me.

Samuel Wright

Illustration by Christian Schmutz

Shire Timeshare