WaitingonMorning

bySerinaChavez

Superstitiously,Ilieonmystomach.Myfeetbare,toespointed,andlefthandflatnextto
myhead.Iforcemyfacetorelaxontothepillowandmymouthtoformapleasantcurve.My
rightarmlieslockedatmysideandsquashedinbetweenthewoodofthebarrierstoppingme
fromtopplingoffthetopbunk.Lyingthere,facingthedoorway,Iletmyeyeswanderaroundthe
roomanddowntothepink,digitalalarmclock.Tenthirtysevenisdisplayed.IfIfallasleep
now,Imaygeteighthoursofsleep.Thereareaboutfivehoursuntilmymomwakesup,four
beforethesunrises,andmaybethirtyminutesbeforemymomgoestobed.Calculating,IknowI
willbesafeforfourhoursandthirtyminutessoI'dbettergotosleepnow.Iwanttoleavemy
contortedandslightlyuncomfortablepositionbutdon'tforfearoffallingasleepinapositionthat
willnotguardmefromthenightmares.Iwantdesperatelytofallasleepforinsomniaisanother
fearofmineorrather,Ifearthefearsthatcomefrominsomnia.Makingsuremyearsarealert,I
trytoclosemyeyesbuttheysnapopenagainasIhearmymother'sfootstepsshufflepastthe
door.Thentheruffleofcarpetasadooropensthenclosesand,finally,thesoftclickasitcloses.
Immediately,Istareatthesectionofwallclosesttomymother'sdoorforsignsofyellowish
light.FortenminutesIwatch,wideeyedandunmoving.Finally,Iheartheclickechoacrossthe
wallandthelightdisappears.NowIamscared.Mylasthopeistosearchwithmyearsforsigns
ofmotionorwakefulnessfrommytwosisterswhosleepbelowme.Theyaresilentsavefortheir
deepbreath.Thenthe
whatifs
start.
Whatiftheresatornado?Whatiftheresahurricane?A
terribleearthquake?Warbombing?Flashflood?Carcrashintomyhouse?Anightmare?Or,
worstofall,
amurderer
?
STOP.Iknowthesethoughtsareunhealthybuttheyareunavoidable.
Theyhauntmeeverynightwithoutfail.
I

havegot
tosleepthough!
Iglancedownandmyclock
says11:10It'salreadybeenthirtyminutessinceIwasputtobedandIhaven'tgottenawinkof
sleep.So,likealways,Istartcountingbecauseusingthemindtiresit.1...2...3..
Thatcreakwas
probablyjustthewind
...4...5...
andthatrustle...mysisterstirring..
..6...7...8...9...
mybedhook!
Earthquake?!..Probablyjustmysisterbumpingit...
.10..11..12..
.
Icountallthewayto100where
Ibegintocountbackwards.Thiscontinuesandcontinuesandcontinuesand,finally,ataround
mythirdround,Ibegintogetsleepyandnumb.IamforgettingwhatnumberIwasonandmy
lidsaredroopingwhenitcomesagain.Theloud,lowflyingplanessurelycarryingbombsto
obliterateusall.Istartchanting
no,no,no,no....
inmyheadwhileimaginingcreatingapurple
domeforcefieldsurroundingourhouse.Iconcentrateintenselyuntilthelastechodisappears.I
amrelievedtohavewardedthebombersoff.Myheavybreathbeginstoslowagainatthewillof
mymind.Imforcingmyselftobreathedeeply.InandoutandinandoutuntilIpause.Sniff
again,
whatisthat?
Ismellsomethingnow.
CanIevergetabreak?

Whatisit?Whatisit??
Surely,wewillgetgassedtodeathlikeRoanokeColony.Peopledothat.
Isitup,unableto
breathe.Myheartraces,mychesttightens.
Improbablyjustimaginingit.
ButIcan'tbelieve
myself.

Finally,Islowdown.Itsnothingafterall.Nosmell,nogascloud,nofire,andno

murderer.Ireturntomyposition.Breathingagain,Itrytosleepbutmyeyeswontclose.They
staywideopenandpointedatthedoor.Lookingforashadow,alight,aflicker,anything.I
cannotsleepandmaybeIvegivenupnow.Asiftheywillgivemenightvision,Iputonmy
glassesandtheworldbecomeslessfuzzy.Isufferallnightseeingshadowsmoveorhearing
killersentermyhouse.Eyeswide,countingdownminutes,earsperked,andbodycontorted.
Foreverandever.Ialsowatchthewindow.Lookingforshadowsorahintofblue.Thehintof
bluethatwillsaveme.Finally,itcomeswhenmyclocksaysfourthirtyseven.Veryslightlyat
firstbutgrowingrapidly.BlueblendingintoorangeandorangetomiraculousyellowuntilIcan
seeeveryinchandcornerofmyroom.Iamsafeatfiveoclockwhenthebirdschatonthe
birdfeedersdirectlyoutsidemywindow.It'stimetogotosleep.

IopenmyeyesandIaminourold,whitestationwagon.Sittingintherearfacingseats,
myfeethangouttheopentrunkdoorwearingnothingbutsocks.Aswecurveaboutthetwisted
DunbarLaneforhome,Ipeeroutatthedistancetowardsmyschool.ThereIseeit.Atinygrey
twisterthrashingasitapproachesbiggerandbigger.Silently,Iliftmydeadhandandpoint.
Somehowmyfamilyintheseatsbehindmeseeandstartscreamingoftheoncomingtornado.
Heartsbeating,weraceintoourneighborhoodandcometoanabruptstopinfrontofamanhole.
Wetryandtryagaintopryitopenasthetwisterentersourneighborhood.Mymombangsonit
andwailsasitcomescloser.Iturnaround,sweating,andwakeup...Horrified,Ifeelmyhand
hangingoverthebedandpointingtowardstheinvisibletornadoandmyfeetlieunderbyblanket
trappedinsidemysocks.Quickly,Ipullthesocksoffandwhipmyhandup.Ivowtoneverwear
socksorletmyhandhangoverthebedagain.

MymomissittingonthecouchandI'msittingonthecarpetnexttoher.Thedreaded
movie
GraveoftheFireflies
isplayingandI'mtryingtoblockoutthesoundsofmoaningand
cryingthatcomefromit.Butthenwehearasoundnotfromthemoviebutshouldbe.Inthe
distance,wehearbigplanesvibratingtheeveningsky.Thegroundisshakingandweruntothe
window.Outside,theskyisredandblackcloudsofsmokefilltheair.Flamingbowlingball
sizedbombsfallfromtheskyandtheplanesaregettingcloser.Suddenly,wehearaloudthunk
onourroofthatcanonlybethesoundofdreadedmetalcrashingintoourpanelingfromahigh
height.Ilooktowardsmymamawithtearsinmyeyes.Themomentofdecimationhascome
whenIagainopenmyeyes.

Ihavealwaysfearedthepossibilityofdyinginmysleep.Iheardstoriesofmenwho
dreamofdrowningandsuffocateintheirdrybeds.Ihaveheardofelderlywhosemindcreatesa
storysoterrifyingthattheyhaveaheartattack.Idontwantthistohappentome.Ifearedsleep.
Forsomereason,whenthedaylightcame,Iwassafeofeverythingwithoutexplanation.No
earthquake,tornado,bomber,kidnapper,hurricane,fire,ornoxiousfumecouldharmmewhen
thesunhitmyskin.