Writer Versus Reptile

Long ago, in a dimension that is not this one and is not bound to any
rules of sensible storytelling, the people of that world were at constant war
with the alien snake monsters of the snake monster planet. They landed here
with the intent to take over the world with their snake queen, Ssspadafora.
The war went on for many years, with countless casualties. With resources
running out and moral running low, the chances of surviving as a civilization
were getting low. That is until the miracle child was born. Some prophecy
somewhere foretold that he would be the one to save us all. His parents took
their child and hid themselves away in an underground bunker far away, as
to protect him from the evil snake menace. Over the years, he grew up as a
normal child would in an apocalyptic setting. The prophecy foretold that his
writing ability would someday be humanitys savior. Knowing this, humanitys
greatest writer, Miller Miagi, trained him in the ways of the pen. In addition to
Miller Miagi being a great writer, he was an even greater alchemist. This
combination of skills spawned a tool that was of great use to their efforts: A
magic book of which its written contents would manifest themselves into
reality. Miller trained the miracle child in the literary combat of Pendo. An art
that would certainly make words hurt physically as well as emotionally. The
early years of the child were rough in terms of training. With his limited
literary skills, he would summon the most horrific monstrosities, that would
need to be killed with fire soon after. As he grew older and wiser though, he
was able to hewn his skills and by the age of eighteen, he was ready.
Ever since I was young, Miller Sensei has always told me that I was
destined for great things. Its not until now that I really understand what he
meant. Ive never even been to the surface and people expect me to single
handedly save it? I guess having a normal life is out of the question. Are you
ready to go, Wexler-san? Miller Miagi asked as he entered the room. Ready
as Ill ever be, I replied as I packed the book into my bag. We walked up the
steps until we were met with a set of metal storm doors. As we opened them,
a rush a fresh air cascaded past me as I took my first breath of air that
wasnt artificial. The outside world bared much similarity to what I have seen
in books and on the internet, except of course for the frightening castle in
the distance that seemed to have its own separate weather patterns from
the rest of the surrounding area. It was more or less overcast everywhere
else, but the castles weather seemed to be one hundred percent chance of
thunderstorms, rain and terror. Thats the snake queens castle, informed

Miagi. Really? You dont say, I sarcastically remarked. I thought it was that
7-Eleven over there. Miagi looked at me with his usual youre not funny
look on his face that he makes whenever I make a stupid joke. We walked
through the streets, only to see businesses either shut down or ransacked
and gutted by snake people. I suppose its hard to maintain a business with
monsters ravaging your land. Thats when a large, Italian chef came running
toward us yelling for help. You must help me! He proclaimed in a
cartoonish Italian accent. Theres two snake men ravaging my pizza shop!
Oh, its awful! Theyre getting the peperoni in the pasta and meatballs in a
manicotti! Despite his amount of urgency, I couldnt help but laugh at how
animated he was. We should assist him, Wexler-san. It will be a great way to
field test the book before we face the real foe. Having no real objection to
this idea, we went along with the Italian man to his shop, where we were
faced with two large snake people. Despite being snake people, they had
limbs and were actually wearing clothes and a very interesting clothing
choice as well. They were each wearing jeans that were sagging down a
good bit, revealing their polka-dot underwear, paired horribly with sandals
and hats that were ripped through by the spins on their heads. They were
also not wearing any shirts, which made their rock hard abs unexpectedly
apparent. They were both grabbing pizzas and shoving them into their
gigantic mouths. Alright guys, lunch time is over. Why dont you hit the
bricks before I take a brick to those ugly mugs of yours, I said with my pen
to the paper. They both stopped what they were doing and let out a mighty
hiss along with a pungent smell of anchovies. Well, I guess thats a no
then. I began to write. Out of nowhere, a storm of bricks rained down
upon the snake men. And just as I wrote it, it occurred without fail. A
barrage of red bricks flew through the windows, bludgeoning the snake men
nearly to the point of unconsciousness. After which I continued to write.
Soon after, two safes fell from the ceiling, crushing them in a
cartoon like fashion. So then a couple safes fell down, seemingly killing
them, but by distinguishing the manner in which they fell, the safe door
opened up, revealing them to be inside, dazed and confused with stars
circling their heads and the letters K and O in each eye. Well that wasnt
very difficult. Seems these lizard men are no match for my superior literary
skills, I boasted. Now dont get too full of yourself, Miller Miagi interjected.
These were just a couple of street thugs. The real challenge is ahead.
After much walking, and then driving after we hijacked a snake
womens car, we had finally made it to our destination: The castle of
inconsistent weather patterns. Actually I think it was called The Snake

Queens Super Secret Sanctum of Snakes or The Snake People Embassy or

something along those lines. Miagi said we should take a stealthy strategic
approach, but I felt as I if I could handle a head on assault. So I walked up to
the front gate where I was met with two towering snake men guards. Halt
human! You must have a death wish showing your filthy hide around here,
one of the guards rudely remarked. Yes, can you repeat that? Im not sure I
got all of it, I replied with my book in hand. Snake guard number one
believes that his wife had an affair with snake guard number two.
How could you betray me like that? Snake guard number one asked. What
are you talking about? Snake guard number two replied. You know exactly
what you did! How long has this been going on?! Snake guard number two
was still utterly confused by his claims. And as their one sided argument
turned into a fist fight, we snuck into the castle.
When we entered the castle, we were met with a single wall that
contained a ton of holes that I would presume the snake people use to get
around. While I am able to fit through those holes, I thought a simpler
method was in order. And then we transported to the exact location of
the snake queen. Suddenly we found ourselves in a bathroom stall with a
random snake guard that was doing his business. Startled, he pulled up his
pants and grabbed his sword. Despite the intruders that had barged in,
the snake guard had explosive diarrhea and could not fight at the
moment. So he dropped his sword, pulled down his pants and sat back
down on the toilet. We walked out of the bathroom and found ourselves in a
completely different part of the castle. Why didnt it work? We should have
transported to the queen. Not that scrub. Miagi took the book and examined
it. It would seem as if there is interference with the magicometer inside.
Perhaps we shouldnt mention the snake queen again. After that minor
hiccup, we continued on our quest to find the queen.
After many failed attempts to navigate this confusing labyrinth of a
castle, we finally broke down and consulted the directory in the main lobby.
Unfortunately it was in snakish and we couldnt understand it. We decided to
ask for assistance by a wandering snake person. Hello, can you help us with
this? I asked him. Go ssssuck a lemon, filthy mammal! I didnt take to
kindly to this his rudeness, so I forced him to tell me. Despite his previous
rudeness, the snake person realized that he was being a rude dude
and helped me, because I said it in my book and my book is law. So
after we received help from our willing volunteer, we were able to locate
the snake queens throne room.

Upon entering the throne I was greeted by an army of royal guards. But
despite me being outnumbered Queen Spadafora ordered them to halt.
Sssso, you are the great miracle child I have been hearing about,
Spadafora remarked. Thats right! And Im here to tear you limb from limb
and do it again when those limbs grow back. And also save the world or
whatever. Spadafora had no idea that she was about to get wacked
by the hit I put out on her. A few moments later, a limo rolled up out of
nowhere. The windows rolled down and machine guns were stuck out the
windows. They then pointed those machine guns at me. For the next few
seconds, my skin was made of a rare metal known as bulletdeflectium. They shot their guns, the bullets hit me, but they bounced off
and were hurled back at the mobsters, killing them and canceling the hit.
She seems to be immune to the effects of the book, Miagi remarked. That
is correct! You shall never defeat me! Spadafora said as she shot beam
from her finger straight at me. My mirror shield was just the thing to
deflect her beam right back at her. A mirror spawned in front of me and
reflected her beam right back at her. But she used a snake guard as a shield
and it hit him instead. It didnt seem to kill him, but upon further observation,
I realized his pupils were unsymmetrically aligned and he talked with a goofy
accent. A retardation beam?! You are pure evil Spadafora! Pure evil!
Spadafora seemed to be flattered with my remark. You will never defeat me,
you pathetic human! I shall rule your entire pathetic planet and when I have
enslaved all of you, I shall take my conquest across the galaxy until all shall
bow down to the snake people. Um, yeah I will. This is my adventure. The
hero always beats the bad guy! I replied. Oh yeah, youre right, she
agreed. Then Spadafora melted and all the snake people turned into
bananas. Miagi looked at me with a look of utter confusion. How did you
even do that? He asked. Well, while she was yammering on about galactic
conquest or something like that, I wrote this. While that crazy snake lady
was talking, I left a decoy of myself to take my place while I traveled
back in time. When I was back there, I traveled to the snake planet
in my rocket ship and introduced a rare disease that has the very
specific effect of either melting on the spot or turning into bananas
when they discover they are the villain of a story somebody is
writing for an assignment.
Upon, looking at this, Miagi froze and started to flash and flicker, like a
computer glitch. Miagi? You alright? In addition to that, the rest of the
castle started to disappear, revealing white space. A series of black text
started to float by me. I couldnt quite discern most of it, for it was a bit

blurry. Huh? An options menu? Font size? Writer Versus Reptile? I dont
understand. It was then I found myself at a computer, typing these exact
words right now. Where am I? Howd I get here? Why am I typing these
questions? Well I suppose I broke the fabric of space time. I probably
shouldnt have messed around with time travel in that book. Well alright, I
guess Ill see what I have to eat. Bye then! I have to stop talking to myself.