Core Relationship Management

T h e Le a d in g M a n
Program One
Core Relationship Management / Leadership
Whats happening gentlemen? This is your main man, Scot McKay.
First of all Id like to welcome you to The Leading Man program. Youre listening to the core
relationship management audio program that really kicks off this entire system for relationship
management, and I have so much to talk about in terms of this all-encompassing subject that
Im just going to hit the ground running with it.
First of all, how about a definition? What is relationship management? The term is actually
one of those terms that you can get mixed up in your head because it can mean so many
different things to so many different people. Ive done this before with things like, what are
games, what does gold digging mean, what does it mean when we say a woman is high
maintenance. Those are things Ive broken down before in the past in newsletters and such.
So what is this term, relationship management? My take on it is its really boiling down to
leadership when we talk about relationship management. Its no secret that women want us,
as men, to lead. They want us to take care of things, they want us to have things handled. I
think also, along with leadership, relationship management includes pulling together all of
your wisdom collectively to have the kind of 20/20 foresight that makes you an effective
leader in a relationship.
A lot of guys, they kind of are lazy about relationship management--if they even give it credit
for existing. Just like a lot of us sit around and we just wait for someone to come into our life,
we kind of have the same view when someone does come into our life.
We go, Okay, now we found someone who came into our life, thats going to take care of
itself just like having someone show up in my life somehow magically took care of itself. Well
nothing could be further from truth.
Heres what happens, say, if you aim at nothing: Youll hit it every time. Youve heard that
adage before and its especially true when it comes to our relationships with women. If you
dont practice solid relationship management, youll basically end up with one of two things
happening, right? Youll end up with no management in the relationship, which means youll
have no idea where the entire things going. Youll have no idea how to get there, again,
right? Aiming at nothing and hitting it every time.
So youre going to end up with a boring, fruitless relationship. Thats not fulfilling to either
party. And guess what? The woman is going to be bored with life, bored with you, and shell
eventually lose attraction and leave.
E-mail Scot McKay: scot@deservewhatyouwant.com
For More: www.deservewhatyouwant.com
Direct Coaching: www.dating-coaches.com
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The other thing is arguably worse. She will manage the relationship for you. She will take the
bull by the horns, and the next thing you know shes wearing the pants and youre Raymond,
from Everybody Loves Raymond. Shes ordering you around, shes giving you honey-do
lists, shes sawed your balls off and basically youre under her command. So by now, you can
see how important this whole conversation is today.
Heres the first step. How are you going to get to where youre an effective leader in a
relationship and having this 20/20 foresight? Well I'll tell you
You first of all have to be proactive versus reactive. Reactive is the opposite of proactive.
Proactive, of course, being a term made famous in the late 80s by Steven Covey in his book,
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Basically, proactive means, I am not going to
procrastinate when it comes to affecting and taking care of the important things in my life. Im
going to act on them. 'Pro' meaning 'for', Im going to go for it, Im going to act on things that
are important.
Reactive is the opposite. Reactive means when things happen to me, then I decide what Im
going to do about it. In other words, youre responding to stimuli in your life instead of
creating those stimuli. The time to be proactive in a relationship is right from the minute you
meet a womanand Im not kidding.
Now most guys wake up somewhere down the line. All too often, its after theyre married.
Maybe a year later, maybe two years later, maybe 20 years later, they wake up and go, What
have I done? Well Im going to tell you guys right here, right now. The time to start solid
relationship management is the second you introduce yourself to her.
So, what are some of the other ground rules that you need to remember when it comes to
relationship management?
Well, you have to start thinking of it like maintenance. Just like when you buy a car. You
need to change the oil, you need to check the tires, you need to put it through the car wash
every once in a while. You have to put gas in it. You cant just buy the car and forget about it.
The same is true about relationship management. Think of the woman as you think about
that new car, only not as an object, of course, but as a human being, right? Still, there has to
be maintenance to this relationship.
You cant just say, Huh, I got the woman, thats all I needed to do. The other thing also,
since she isnt a car and is, in fact, a human being, you cant just drive her as hard as you
want to and expect to change the tires every once in a while and have things work out for you,
right? Exactly.
What Im talking about here is being selfless versus selfish. You have to have a philosophy of
mutual respect and aim the relationship towards contribution by both parties to its success.
That, of course, is your leadership, guys. Youre going to set the precedent for that.
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If youre selfish towards her and you just want to take, take, take; dont expect her to want to
give, give, give. It will be a relationship that lessens the both of you instead of building both of
you up. And like my friend Sean Stephenson said, on the recent X & Y On The Fly episode,
you want a relationship that helps you create something thats more than the sum of the two
separate parts. Thats what happens when people who are selfless get together and build
each other up.
So here we go. Lets talk about some mechanics to this and remember, by the way, when
were talking about relationship management, you can take everything that we talk about here
today and apply it across your entire life.
And that really is one of the beauties of everything we talk about here at X & Y
Communications. It's not really about getting better with women only. Its about becoming a
better man, which in turn, allows you as a great man to get some great women. You already
know thats the coolest thing about all of this.
So every relationship in your life needs management. Your relationship with your boss, your
relationship with your parents (especially as you get to be an adult), your relationship with
your friends, your relationship with other women, and your relationship with your co-workers.
Manage those effectively in terms of what we talk about here today.
You know obviously things are going to be a little different in platonic relationships than they
are in romantic relationships. But still, get your head around the concept of thinking about this
and becoming a man who plans relationships, who exercises wisdom, has 20/20 foresight on
how his relationships to go with people.
Aiming for something, youll hit it every time hopefully, instead of missing it most of the time.
So here we go. When you first meet that woman, what you are projecting to her is going to
set the tone. Weve talked about confidence, weve talked about making her feel comfortable
in your presence. And indeed, if you walk up to a woman and you have approach anxiety,
youre really scared and skittish and youre uncomfortable, shes going to follow your lead.
Shes going to feel uncomfortable with you, shes going to feel skittish.
Whereas if you were confident and very direct, shes going to say, Hey look, heres a guy
who is sure of himself. I can be sure about him. I can be comfortable with him. I could trust
him. When women remember good feelings that you give them, those will soon become
habit in a relationship.
So, as soon as you meet a woman, youre going to introduce yourself, youre going to tell her
who you are, youre going to make her feel comfortable with you, and youre never going to
stop doing that. It literally is starting to build the habits from minute one when you meet this
woman.
Youve got to remember the tone that was set when you met a woman and youve got to
remember to keep that consistent. Its all about confidence, its all about you wearing the
pants.
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Youre not controlling her. You're a man who exercises leadership in her best interest, and if
shes willing to follow that--which Im pretty sure she will be because thats the way women
are wired--then youre going to be already practicing solid relationship management. How
cool is that, right?
So remember, the second you meet her, youre projecting all the right things. Youre thinking
relationship management from the minute you meet a woman.
Now, dont get that confused with thinking about marrying this woman and having a long term
relationship from the second you meet her. Nope, thats needy and clingy. Thats unrealistic.
You just have to get in to the habit of saying, Okay, every potential person who is going to be
in my life deserves to be handled with respect. They need to be enjoyed for their gifts--for
what they can bring to relationship--and my job as a fellow human being on planet Earth is to
make life better for the people I meet.
If you have that attitude when meeting women, or when meeting new friends wherever you go
actually, youre going to be a more successful human being.
Now, what Im talking about here may sound like pie in the sky, but once you start practicing
this in real life, youre going to see magical things happen for you. Youre going to see doors
open at work, youre going to make more friends, youre going to be involved with a higher
level of social interaction.
Why?
Well, because people liked to be appreciated. Now, how simple does that sound? Very
simple, yet almost no people on Earth do this. We all think selfishly, dont we? We all think,
Okay, what can I get out of this person? Or we trivialize every meeting with people saying,
Okay, heres another person I have to meet. Yeah, yeah, shake hands good to know you.
Do you trivialize every person you meet? Let me ask you this question. Have you ever
trivialized a meeting with someone, kind of blew it off Yeah, yeah, Im shaking hands with
you, and realized later you should have been certainly a higher quality human being when
you met this person because this person was more potentially important a figure in your life
than you imagined upon the first meeting?
Maybe youve embarrassed yourself. Oh my gosh that was my boss boss I just met! or
Wow she has a hot sister and I just basically passed her off like she was nobody! Have you
ever been disappointed in yourself for that? What feeling did you get when that happened?
Didnt you just get the feeling of having acted like a lower quality human being?
Hey, lets eliminate that once and for all. Do you know how to do that? Consistency. By
authenticity, by being a man who genuinely cares for other people, looking out for their best
interest, taking a leadership role, and making that happen. Do you see how all this is fitting
together? Its excellent isnt it? It just will make you into a person who makes better friends.
And guys, it will cause you to become magically--magically is a great word--more attractive to
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women.
Consider, if you will, what happens when a guy who is sex-focused meets a woman.
Ultimately hes out for getting laid. Hes out only for himself and sees the woman as an
object. Hes not even thinking about relationship management.
To him its all about the sex. He is clouded by beauty vision as were saying around here
nowadays. He gets a woman in his life, but hes all about the sex. What if he marries that
woman? Sooner or later, shes not feeling appreciated. Shes not feeling like a real human
being who is really being cared about in that relationship. And the next thing you know, that
guy is not getting sex anymore even though he is married to that woman. Hes in one of
these empty relationships where the woman basically controls him because she withholds sex
from him as a means of controlling him by weakness.
Do you see how that works? She gets what she wants by not giving him what he wants until
he capitulates.
Thats not where you want to be. And see, if you start with mutual respect, if you start with
wanting to appreciate human beings, when you start appreciating female human beings and
youve set that precedent from minute one, what you have is a woman who wants to have sex
with you. You have a woman who wants your leadership. You have an overall healthier, more
satisfying relationship for both of you. Thats the magic of all this.
One of the very best ways to start off a relationship on the right foot is by absolutely clarifying
from the get-go and continuing throughout the life of the relationship what the status of that
relationship is and what the intentions are behind you having that relationship. In the case of
a woman, you never assume anything--and dont let her do so either.
Guys, no relationship is exclusive until both parties have signed on the dotted line. You can
never assume exclusivity from a woman and you cant allow her to do so either. If youre
intention is to date a lot of women at once, please do not lie to a woman (thereby
disrespecting her, right?) and say, Oh no, youre the only one for me. Im not dating any
other women, then proceed to hide other relationships you have with other women from that
one woman. This is poor relationship management. Its inconsistency. Its dishonesty.
So, when you meet a woman, lets say you want to have multiple relationships. You want to
have other women in your life. Youve got to tell the woman. You say, Hey look, right now, I
want you to know I am seeing other people. You may choose to say that someday, I want to
find one great woman and have her in my life, but in order to make sure, I am choosing the
right woman when that day happens, I am leaving my options open right now.
Tell that woman, Look, youre free to see other guys. As a matter of fact, I want you to see
other guys, you might even say. You may also set a ground rule as a good relationship
manager that you dont want to hear about the other relationships; therefore, this is not
something were going to talk about. You want to set the precedent with her that she isnt
going to be hounding you about the other women, shes not going to be asking you where she
stands.
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Guys, its amazing because most women really are grateful for the fact that you gave them
the truth. They have a choice in the matter. Youre not the controlling jerk, youre a
relationship manager.
Managers are not effective when theyre heavy-handed. Thats whats called autocratic. My
way or the highway. Thats not solid relationship management. Youve got to have
communicative skills in terms of relating to a woman, which were going to talk about more in
a few minutes.
So thats the first thing. You always have to keep the status of the relationship well-known
and recognized by everyone involved. And you can indeed look forward to more on that
subject where I expound on it in great detail in The Man In Demand: How To Manage LongTerm Relatioships program found elsewhere in the Members Area.
So with that in mind, what happens if you want to have an exclusive relationship with the
woman? What if you want her to be your girlfriend? Well, guess what? You dont want her to
hijack that moment from you.
You have to be a solid relationship manager. I think when you have been with the woman for
a while (you know, give yourself plenty of time before you make these rash decisions, right?)
what you want to do is you want to make sure you sit down with this woman, and first of all,
tell her your intentions for her and say, Look, Im wanting to spend my time with you to the
exclusion of other woman in my life.
Ask her what she thinks of what youve just said. Make sure you have a read on whether she
wants to be a woman who is your girlfriend, who is in an exclusive relationship with you, and
take that into consideration before you move any further. Shell probably be excited about
this. If shes not excited about it, then you need to have a deeper conversation as a solid
relationship manager about where this relationship is heading and whether shes the right
woman for you to be in an exclusive relationship with anyway.
But do you see how the communication factor is crucial here? Once she agrees that, Yes, I
thought youd never ask. I want you to make me your girlfriend and I want to be your
girlfriend. I want you to be my boyfriend. what you want to tell her is that you understand the
importance of protecting her heart, protecting her feelings, and talk through what you believe
that means in terms of having an exclusive relationship.
Make sure youre on the same page because everybodys vision of exclusivity has not been
created equal. Some women may say, Hey you know what this means? This means youre
never going to have a female friend ever again while I go out and hang out with all my guy
friends. Make sure theres equanimity here. Make sure that you are looking at things from
the same perspective. You cant allow a woman to have different rules than you do.
Now, of course, I invite you to consult the other audio program in this system about how to
have a great relationship with that one great woman, but this is a great segue into the next
section we want to talk about.
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Another important part of relationship management is dealing with jealousy. Guys, if youre
very jealous of a woman, its a useless emotion. If youre with a woman who gets jealous very
easily, you need to rethink the status of your relationship with her as a man who is a solid
relationship manager. Jealousy is harmful. You need to have a relationship thats built on
trust and you need to be the man who leads with trust as a solid relationship manager. Get
women in your life who you deem to be trustworthy. Be a man who is trustworthy. And again,
communicate about all this.
Now Emily and I, we can feel free to acknowledge other attractive human beings of either
gender. She can say, Oh, that guy is hot. I can say, Oh that girl looks pretty good. What
do you think about her hairstyle? because we know weve chosen each other from many
options. This has been communicated up front. This is what weve come to expect from each
other. There are no surprises.
Now if youre with a woman whos jealous, first of all, are you giving her something to be
jealous of? Are you managing this relationship where youre basically toying with her, youre
enjoying making her feel uncomfortable by flirting with other women in her presence? If
youre doing that guys, youre a poor relationship manager. Youre driving this emotion in this
woman. There is no need for that.
Again, youve got to be in control, youve got to wear the pants, youve got to respect the
woman. And if you dont want to be in an exclusive relationship, and you want to date other
women, tell her that. Shell probably stick around while you date the other women.
But dont feel like youve got to either give in to her pressure to make her your girlfriend or that
youve just got to do this because the mood strikes you one day. Dont make a woman your
girlfriend on a whim! You just cant do that. You have to be the guy who is managing the
relationship.
Now, back to that part about having equal footing with a woman in terms of what the
expectations are. What if she is hitting you over the head with a rolling pin every time youre
hanging out or talking to someone who is female who happens to be your friend, even if its
platonic, right? And yet, she has all these guy friends in her life whom she feels free to hang
out with. You have got a management issue.
There is something in that relationship that is not right and you deal with it. And you deal with
it hopefully with 20/20 foresight. This all happens at the time you create a pact to have an
exclusive relationship together. All of these ground rules, if you want to call them that, or
guidelines (probably a better word) need to be dealt with as soon as this happens.
Yeah, you might be in a real romantic moment when this is all going down, when that moment
occurs, but this relationship conversation, this management summit, if you will, between the
two of you, needs to happen so that you know what it means to be exclusive.
Now, for some couples, theyre going to have an open relationship. Theyre going to be each
others primary but theyre still going to have other people in their life. If thats the way you
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want to conduct your relationship and thats the way the relationship is going to be managed,
thats something you need to address. Again, what is the status of this relationship? It needs
to be carefully identified and it needs to be carefully defined that all times at all stages of the
relationship.
Now another thing that you want to talk about is how to end a relationship. If its time for you
to cut a woman from your life for whatever reason, lets say shes proven not to be able to be
a partner for you when it comes to an exclusive relationship, for example If you find her to
be dishonest, if you find her character lacking, if youre just not getting along First of all,
first and foremost, you do have to end the relationship.
I dont care if you have no other options in your life. As soon as you get that twinge that
something isnt right here and youve had the conversation and things still werent right, you
need to cut ties with that woman. If she has burned you, if she has been dishonest, if the
character is lacking, you do not have any obligations to women who are treating you poorly.
You do not have to give her another chance. You must give yourself the freedom in those
situations as a solid relationship manager to go ahead and end the relationship.
Now, you can do that respectfully. You dont have to call her names. Certainly, you dont
want to lay a finger on her but you want to say, Hey, look, you know what, my standards are
different. Theres been a breach in this relationship. Im gonna have to walk.
She may spit, curse, throw thingsbut you need to stick to your guns because youre a
relationship manager. Again, even if you dont have any options in your life, dont feel that
pressure to stick around. It may be self-imposed pressure. Dont settle guys. You know
thats where the buck always stops around here.
Now, what if theres a relationship thats going nowhere, maybe nobody is being particularly
evil to each other, but youre just not enjoying your life anymore? Things are blah. You know,
youre just not bringing excitement to each other. Youre not building each other up. The sum
of the two of your parts together does not equal more than you are separately. You need to
end that relationship, too.
If you have a simple need to weed out too many women in your life, if things are out of
control, the whole concept of managing multiple long-term relationships includes you saying,
What is the number in my life of women I can be seeing at the same time?
And rest assured this whole concept in and of itself is something were going to talk about in
extreme detail when we get to the separate program on how to handle multiple long-term
relationships. But, when you have better options come up and you need to weed out women
from your life, as harsh as that sounds, you need to give them a just-be-friends talk. You
need to say, Hey, look, I have nothing particularly against you. You are a great woman, but
really, honestly, I dont see things going anywhere in a romantic sense between you and I. Im
not the guy for you. I think youre going to be happy with another guy. As long as were
together, Im keeping you from another guy whos going to appreciate you more because you
and I are just not meant to be together.
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You see how couching those things in those terms does not harm that woman in any way. It
builds her up. This will allow you actually to be friends with that womancontinue to be
friends if you so choose to be. Again, if a woman is poisonous you want to cut ties. But, if a
woman has not done anything particularly wrong towards you and you just want to end the
relationship because its your choice, thats the way to handle it. Now you see, if the
relationship is going nowhere, if theres a simple need to weed out women in your life, you
basically handle it the same way.
Now, if youve been exclusive with the woman and the relationship is going nowhere, you
need to handle it with a lot more care. What Im about to share with you is always preferable
in any relationship with any woman but especially true when the relationship has been
exclusive.
You need to do it in person. Dont do it by text message or email, guys. I dont even think you
want to do it by phone. You need to man up, you need to step up, you need to have a faceto-face conversation with this woman.
Bear in mind shes going to get emotional. Bear in mind her reaction is going to be basically a
grief reaction if she wanted this relationship to be forever.
Shes going to go through anger at you. Shes going to go through denial that the breakup
ever happened. She may call you the next day and go, Hey, I know we had a tough
conversation yesterday, but lets have lunch. Once you deny her that, as you should as a
solid relationship manager, she may then call you up a couple of days later (and this can go
for the woman who was one of many in your life or the exclusive one) and say, Hey, look, can
I just come over and have sex with you?
She will try to re-seduce you all over again. Be careful with all these, guys, because its a
grief reaction, That is what it is. Its just like losing someone in your life. Really, when you
breakup with someone and that person really cared about you and saw a future with you even
though you didnt, its basically a very similar reaction to if you passed away and you were no
longer in her life. Either way, there is loss thats being faced there. You see that?
Now, she will also go through bargaining. Shell say, Hey, look, you know what, if I do this, if
Im a better girlfriend, if I change my ways, will you take me back? Youve got to stand your
ground. All of this has been decided. Once theres a breakup that occurs and you take her
back, youre going to be on a roller coaster for the rest of your life.
Why?
Because youre an ineffective, weak relationship manager. This relationship has already
proven itself to be going nowhere, to not be a viable long-term. Shes not the one for you, so
you just cant bow down and be weak. Finally, she will accept it.
Now, lets turn the coin over. If a woman breaks up with you, you need to understand that
youre going to go through that grieving process also if you really cared about her. Again,
having more options in your life will help you get through that, but you need to be honest with
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your feelings.
Guys, dont beg or grovel to the opposite sex everever. I dont care if you feel like doing so,
you just cant do it. Now, you may have very hurt feelings. Part of dealing with it effectively is
understanding the process that Im talking about, this whole grieving process.
When you lose someone in your life, a woman calls you up and says, I dont ever want to see
you again. She may have as well literally died because youre not going to be seeing her
again. And youve got to understand if a woman is making this decision, you cant get inside
her head, flick a switch, and make her love you all over again. Its over guys. Youre chasing
after the wind, especially if it was a loss of attraction that created the problem to begin with.
If you have successfully caused this woman to really not be attracted to you anymore, if
youve been that needy/clingy guy, if youve not been taking care of yourself, if youve lost the
ambition, if youve made her the center of your universe instead of having a plan for your life
that she can be excited about, thats when you're not going to be able to get that woman to
come back.
At least not likelyuntil you are able to keep her out of your life for a while, make those
changes so that youve become more of a man--not being needy and clingy and having that
ambition--and then somehow demonstrating that to her its not going to happen again. Just
like attraction isnt a choice, like David DeAngelo says, sometimes losing attraction isnt a
choice either. She just doesnt feel it anymore. She doesnt know why but its not coming
back.
Now, contrast to that with a very different situation of a breakup having occurred specifically
because you were not an effective relationship manager. Breakups can happen because of
bad relationship management and she may still be perfectly attracted to you. That is when
you can actually go back and have a chance at resolving the relationship in getting back
together.
Heres what I mean.
Now, when theres a situation where poor relationship management has happened and you
have conducted things poorlyyoure seeing the woman respond negatively to that and you
see your relationship in danger, thats a very different situation.
You can become a man who saves that relationship by becoming a man who practices better
relationship management. If youre having confidence issues, if you are starting to give away
your power to a woman, if you find that she owns you, she has you wrapped around her little
finger, you have to realize, shes losing respect for you and you will lose that battle.
If youre needy, if youre clingy, if youre dominating her life, if you are begging for
exclusivityif youre begging for anything vis--vis her not being ready for that, youre in
danger of losing that relationship all together. That can be coached through, but only if its still
at enough of a nascent stage at the very beginning where you havent lost her attraction just
yet. That can be something that is dealt with directly and you get that relationship back on
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track.
But when all is lost, when its time to break up, you know that the relationship is done--its
cooked, youve stuck a fork in it--youve got to be solid about that as a man and realize its
over. No matter who initiated, no matter who is hurt. Very, very rarely will both people say,
Hey, you know what, its time to breakup. Were done. Sometimes it happens, but the more
carefully and respectfully that you handle the end of a relationship, the more you are going to
be able to salvage friendship with this woman if you still choose. You see how that works?
One final word on ending relationships that is not usually talked about, but I want you to be a
guy with absolutely stellar, iron-clad, bullet-proof integrity. Sometimes youre going to be with
a woman whom you really like. She is going to be one of many in your life. You may not see
her as The One, as the woman who you would really like to get married to someday. And
youd like to keep her around in your life, nonetheless, but you start seeing a pattern where
she is starting to get excruciatingly attracted to you to the point where she is becoming
attached.
She is talking about you being her future husband someday. She is talking about wanting an
exclusive relationship someday even as she is accepting the leadership of being one of many
women in your life. When this starts happening, guys, youre killing that chick, okay?
You cant keep women in your life who were falling in love with you when youre just not falling
in love with them back. Women are experts at understanding this pattern from guys, and
welcome to one of the big reasons why guys end up in the just-be-friends zone, frankly
because women are more merciful than we are.
If we have a woman in our life and we think shes kind a cute, and we kind of like the sex,
sometimes we dont get a good read on her emotions and worse, sometimes we do get a
read on her emotions and unethically keep her around anyway. Guys, when a woman is
becoming attached to you and youre not feeling that attachment to her, you've got to do the
right thing for her well-being and youve got to put her on just-be-friends zone.
I want to think carefully about what I just said. You need to replay it, because its not
something youve probably ever heard before anywhere but, again, Im not talking about
giving you wild success with women and leaving you at the front doorstep.
Im talking about making you into the kind of man who deserves the greatest woman youve
ever met. If you can do what Ive just said, you will be well on the track to being that guy who
deserves the great woman when she comes along because youre going to be a man whos
congruent with your own ethics. Youre going to be a man who realizes you have lot of
options, that youre on the track to finding a great woman, and that youre not going to be
hurting people in the process.
Youre a man who cares about womens emotions and that means youre a guy whos
beginning to deserve (if not already there) a great woman in his life, and thats what being a
man of character is all about.
Clearly, this brings up the need to discuss two related issues. What if youre involved with a
- 11 -
woman whos a female player? What if shes got a bunch of men everywhere? You cant get
attached to her either. You see how that works. You have to have your head screwed on
straight and again, this all comes down to discussing with every woman youre in a
relationship with what the nature that relationship is, what the ground rules are, what the
guidelines are.
What if you feel like a womans blowing smoke at you? Shes telling you that youre the only
guy, and shes got other guys. First of all, you need to take the lead and tell her, Look, its all
right. I have other women in my life, lets just be honest with each other. I dont need to know
the other guys in your life. I dont feel the need to tell you everything thats going on with all
the women in my life. But make sure you dont get attached to a woman like that because
she is not interested in anything long-term, at least not at this point in her life, right?
The other issue is what if you want to continue things on a non-exclusive basis long-term?
That means youve got to check in with women frequently. Youve got to not just assume
anything really, but youve especially got to not assume she isnt getting more attached to you.
Youve got constantly to check in, in an indirect way of course, and make sure that this
woman isnt wanting changes in how the relationship is drawn out. When I say you do this
indirectly, what I mean is, youre talking about the fun times youre having together. Youre
doing things that involve a lot of interactions and youre paying close attention to the warning
signs of a woman becoming very much attached to you.
She starts talking about the future. She starts talking about wanting to spend more and more
time with you. She starts talking about major life questions. These are the kind of things that
will signify to you that, Hey, maybe this woman is getting a little too attached.
Meanwhile, if youre sensing that she is still just having fun, that things are cool, then you can
keep going and extend that long-term relationship even as you do so hanging out with other
women in your life. Something to think about there.
Now, lets shift gears a little bit and go back to talking about the beginning of your relationship
and how you manage the operation of a relationship on a day-to-day basis. One thing that
happens when you start getting involved with a woman is you start in the first few weeks to
develop habits that are carried through pretty much through your entire relationship.
Certainly, if youve developed habits after three to six months, that can be all but impossible to
break through later. Thats why you need to treat every relationship that seems to be starting
off on solid ground as if it could potentially last a long time.
You dont get into a rut of doing the same thing over and over again, first of all. Its amazingly
easy, especially when a guy is not a solid relationship manager, to fall into the rut and doing
the same thing over and over again. Typically, thats translated to, she comes over your
place, you go over her place, you sit around, watch movies, make out, have sex, fall asleep.
Guys, if you do that and youve fallen into that rut early on, youll never get out of it until you
break up because youre bored to death. Trust me on that. Youve got to have more depth to
- 12 -
your relationship than simply laying around, being lazy, getting physical and going to sleep.
This is done from the very beginning of a relationship.
Guys, I fully understand. When you havent had options, and you finally get a woman whos
really hot--and youre just sexually hot for each other--its like you have new toy. Youre going
to just want to have sex with her all the time.
Youve got to get out of the house. Youve got to bring fun, exciting things to each others
lives, and youve got to set that precedent early on. Its got to happen. Otherwise, youre
setting yourself up for a very short-term relationship. Youre setting yourself up for boredom.
Youre setting yourself up for not giving that woman something thats heightening her level of
fondness for life. Youre not giving that woman greater joy. Youre not expanding that
womans horizons.
Now, along with what you do at the front end of a relationship, youve also got to ride herd as
a relationship manager on what you say at the front end of a relationship. Weve talked about
what happens right when you meet her. You dont want to portray yourself as a man with no
confidence. You dont want to portray yourself as a man who isnt masculine, who isnt a
leader in the relationship. Youve taken care all of that, thats all good, now what?
Youre on the first date with her. You dont want to bring up a bunch of heavy stuff. I
understand that. Youre not going to say, Hey, do you want to get married someday? How
many kids do you want to have? You dont talk about religion. You dont talk about politics
because it will creep her out.
You dont want to talk about things heavy because shes not going to be having fun. Right
now, at the front end of a relationship, you just want to see if you get along. Thats the right
way to handle the first couple of dates. But here is the problem that guys get into: They start
putting their head in the sand, like the proverbial ostrich.
They dont ever want to talk about this stuff at all. Especially if the woman makes the mistake
of giving in to sexual pressure from a guy whos sex focused early on, the guy gets all that he
wanted out in the relationship, then that stuff never comes up. And then, bingolater on,
youre married to a woman just because she was sexually hot. Youve never talked about
anything. Youve never even built a friendship with this woman at a deep level because all
you were focused on was sex.
Women make that mistake of giving in to guys who are like that. All Im concerned right now
is youre not the guy who runs a relationship like that. See what Im saying? There comes a
time after a few dates where its starting to become time to address some of the major
questions of compatibilitynot just whether youre attracted and whether youre just getting
along as buddies.
Heres something interesting before we go into this of a deeper level.
Interestingly, guys can have events where they lose attraction for a woman. She farts in front
of you, she stinks up the bathroom, and she throws up when she gets drunk. Its amazing
- 13 -
how we can all of the sudden go, You know, what Im just not into her anymore.
Im a strong believer in the fact that women seem to be wired differently. I dont know if its
the motherhood instinct. I dont know if its women have just babysat small children, but you
are going to throw up, get sick, have a particularly weak moment as a man in that way. You
can have a night where youre cranky instead of your usual friendly charismatic self, and
women will wake up the next day and they havent lost attraction for you.
This usually happens in my mindId say the time line is roughly three to six weeks after
youve met, depending on how much time youve spent together, of you proving to her, time
and time again, that you are authentic, that you are a great man, that you are confident at
your core, that you have her best interests at heart, and that youre generally a man who is
doing the best with what hes got appearance-wise. Interestingly, once youve succeeded
attracting a woman, I think you keep her attractedunless you do something catastrophic, of
course.
So, once youve passed that stage--once youve successfully built that habit of attraction--by
then, you should be having some of these conversations. You need to talk about what youre
political leanings are. By all means, you need to talk about what your vision for the future is.
Do you even want to both stay in the same city where you are now. Do you want to live in the
country? Do you want to live in the city? How many children do you want to have? What are
your spiritual beliefs? What is your world view? I cant believe it when I get these email
messages from people that say, Ive known this guy for two years. Ive known this woman for
a year and half. And now, all of the sudden I found out she wants 10 kids. Who knew? And
she is pressuring me.
Guys, this is stuff that you dont wait two years to know unless youre a poor relationship
managerunless you had your head in the sand like that ostrich. You dont want to be that
guy, thats weak. You want to bring these questions up. You want to start having these
conversations.
You can do it in a fun way. You can do it kind of in a challenging manner. You can say, Hey,
you know what, Im curious. Who are you going to vote for? What do you think the world will
be like if so-and-so actually won the presidency?
If youre a man who isnt really died in the wool and set in your ways, you may learn
something from a woman. You may a have great discussion. You may realize youre not as
much tied to certain things in your being as you thought you were.
Or you may uncover early on things that are truly going to be major stumbling blocks to longterm compatibility. Hey, this could end the relationship. Maybe, it should end the relationship.
If youre a strong relationship manager, it will end the relationship if it should, but at least
youve found out about these things up front before theres a huge emotional investment.
Thats what proper relationship management is all about. You dont want to go a year or two
years before you find out these major life things.
And let me tell you something guys, two major points here. First of all, a woman might never
- 14 -
take the lead. If you establish that you are leading the relationship and the woman respects
that leadership, she will go literally months or even years wondering. She may wonder if
youre ever going to ask her to marry her. Meanwhile, you dont ever want to get married.
Then one day it all hits the proverbial fan and theres a major blowup and youve literally
invested months or even years of your life in the wrong woman. And you know what? Youve
done something to her thats damaged her, too. Youve caused her to waste her time. Thats
on you. Thats on you as the man who was a poor relationship manager. Dont do that. Get
it right upfront.
There is the timing that we talked about here. Yeah, you know, you have the frivolity, you
have the fun, you have the banter up frontbut after a few dates, guys, after that attraction
level has been established, you dont get down from being attractive. You dont stop taking
care of yourself. You dont stop acting like a man. If youre authentic, if youre really who you
were when you met that woman, you keep it up. Darn skippy.
Part of relationship management in this case is you got to keep doing whats working, but
youve got to build things. Youve got to build on whats already there and expand it--take it to
the next level. And part of that means that youre going to be a guy who knows how to handle
the scale at what youre talking about important things when it happens.
Now, the other thing--point number two here--is youve got to know what you believe. You
have to have a cornerstone in your life of what your character is built on. Do you even know
whether you want to have children or not? Do you know whats your core spiritual beliefs
are?
I got an email just the other day: Scot, how many women is it okay to be in a sexual
relationship with at the same time? I cant even believe I was being asked that question.
Why?
Because, look, if you dont believe in sex before marriage--for religious reasons or whatever
reasons, your own personal reasons--then the answer is none. If you do believe that its okay
to have sex outside of a marital covenant, then the answer is, What difference does it make?
As in, What difference does it make at all, let alone what difference does it make what I think
about it?
Why in the world would you limit yourself to two or three as long as youre being safe, as long
as youre protecting against pregnancy and disease, as long youre honest with women? I
dont understand why I would need to give you a magic number. Thats a decision you make
for yourself. Its not a decision you depend on someone else to give you. Its like asking,
What God should I believe in, what should my political leanings be, what emotion should I
have, how should I think? Guys, be a man. Have a core belief system. Build your character
on that and then youll be able to effectively lead a relationship.
Now, all thats not to say that there arent some aspects of your character that are going to
serve you very well should you choose to build, I mean, your core belief system. I
recommend being positive towards women. Again, at the beginning stages, you dont want to
- 15 -
give way your power by throwing complements at her. But you know what, I think you should
be honest with the woman. And if youre honestly impressed with her, I think you should be
telling her youre impressed with herespecially as this relationship goes on and youre
building that compatible friendship in the best possible way. Not the just-be-friends way, but
where youre really friends with the woman and youre really building relationship thats built
on true compatibility as well as attraction.
Youre telling her that you have chosen her from many options. You tell her shes beautiful
because you think shes beautiful. You set the precedent. You lead this relationship in a
manner--you manage this relationship in a manner--where you tell each other the truth.
Youre honest with each other. Youre honest with each other about the other relationships.
Youre honest with each other about whether youre going to be faithful to each other or not,
every aspect of the relationship. So, look what happens when you have this combination of
looking out for each others best interests--you know, building each other up, affirming each
other and being honest.
That means when she does something like say, Hey, look does my butt look fat in these
jeans? You say to her, Well, you know what, I think you probably should go find a different
pair. Shes not going to be all hurt. Shes not going to be forever guessing what you really
think of her, especially if shes a woman of great personal character and solid self-esteem
which you should be looking for anyway.
Why does this all magically fit together? Because when you give her a compliment--which is
often--when you build her up, when you believe in her what she genuinely feels to be true,
she knows thats coming from an area of authenticity in your life. Youre being real with her.
Youre transparent with her in your affection for her. Youre glad to be there with her.
Therefore, youre not tearing her down.
Guys, if youre leading a woman in a way that youre tearing each other down all the time,
note that says about your relationship? That says youre settled, that youre secretly angry
and resentful towards each other because youre together.
I tell you, Emily and I can be completely honest with each other. Shell say, Look, you know
what, you need to go take a shower after I come home from the gym, if I dont do so. Ill say
the same thing to her. She will say, Hey, look, how does this dress look on me? And I
remember specifically saying to her while she was pregnant with our little boy, Look, youre
just getting too pregnant to pull off that dress until the baby is born. She goes, Thanks for
telling me that before I went out because I had no idea how I look in this. I can only look in
the mirror.
Then when she came out with another dress on I said, Wow, you are the most beautiful
pregnant woman Ive ever seen. And I meant itand I still mean it. Thats what Im talking
about by being authentic, by being honest with each other, and building each other up. That
whole aspect of managing the relationship where you tell each other the truth, combined with
caring about each other, looking for each others best interests, thats where things really end
up starting to go well.
- 16 -
Why?
Because you managed it that way.
You know, what goes hand in hand with those two things, guys? You know whats like the
third leg of that stool? Let me tell you what: Forgiveness. Nobody is going to be perfect.
Yeah, look if she lacks character, shes cheating on you, she burned your house down, if
shes standing over your bed holding a butchers knife, thats one thing, okay?
If she just messed up, if she forgot to do something she said she was going to do, you dont
just bury her for it. You dont bring it up, three, four weeks later. Women are famous for this,
arent they? Yeah, they dont ever forgive you and then they come up with the stuff a year
later, two years later Hey, I remember the time you did this and Ive never forgiven you for
it.
Guess what guys, unless youre dealing with a mentally unstable woman, you know what
youve probably done? Youve probably managed the relationship so that would happen.
Youre saying, Scot, how in the world? ALL women are like that! All your women are like
that if youre seeing it time and time again. If youre seeing these patterns time and time
again, I dont care what the pattern is. If its negative, youre leading that relationship pattern
into existence in your life time and time again.
You forgive a woman. You say, Hey, look, you know what, no big deal. Ill just pick up that
thing from the store next time. Then, youre not creating a situation where shes going to
want to get back at you, where shes going to want to take revenge on you literally for things
you do to her. Kind of because she just feels like she has to protect her own best interest
because you struck first.
If youre laid back, give her a big hug. Let her know everything is going to be okay. Weve
talked about that beforethats what women want from a guy. You give that kind of
forgiveness. Then, you get a woman who forgives you in return.
Lets talk about that crisis management. What do you do in a relationship when the chips are
down? When theres something bad potentially on the rise. When you live in New Orleans
and hurricane Katrina is coming, when there is a tornado alert, when you hear something go
bump in the night, are you freaking out? Are you scared? Well, dont be surprised when you
have a scared woman whos insecure in your presence.
Againcharacter, leadership. Youve got to be that guy who stands in the gap, can hug her,
make her feel as if everything is going to be okay.
Sarcasm. Sarcasm goes right along with tearing each other down. A lot of times, we hear
about being cocky and funny because it attracts women.
- 17 -
Playful banter attracts women.

Being a little bit larger than life and maybe being just a bit too over the top, but all in name of
bringing her along with you so you can enjoy life together. That works with a woman.
Being sarcastic, tearing a woman down, making fun of her when its neither cocky nor funny
but just downright mean--thats not attractive to women. And when you build this sarcasm
into your relationship--even from the very beginning--under the guise of being cocky and
funny, what youre doing is youre setting that precedent. Youre leading. Youre managing
the relationship in that direction.
You want a sarcastic woman in your life? You want a contentious woman in your life? Then
feel free to be a sarcastic as you want. Tear her down. Be unpredictable in the worst
possible way.
She doesnt know when to duck when youre going to come home? Youre a guy who gets
drunk, comes home with a completely different personality? Dont come to me complaining
because the womans personality changes like the wind also. Youre leading that relationship.
Do you see how this all fits together? Your character is setting a precedent for the
relationship. You are managing how that relationship with the woman goes by who you are
and she will respond.
We talked about deserving what you want. If youre a man of high character, youll get a
woman of high character. Going along with that is the concept of selecting a great woman.
Selecting a great woman is as important as being a man of great character. If you know how
to select the right woman in your life and avoid the wrong ones, while being the man who
deserves that great woman, thats the two ways that you go about deserving what you want.
And you can absolutely expect a no-holds-barred discussion on that very topic including a
breakdown of exactly what it means to select a great woman in the separate audio program
on True Long-Term Happiness with a Great Woman.
Weve talked a lot about philosophical things. There are a few nuts and bolts Id like to get to.
Truthfully guys, this whole concept of relationship management is built on your character. Its
built on your leadership skill, its built on you proactively--theres that word again--taking care
of a relationship. Or the relationship is going to manage you, or shes going to lead you the
way she wants to be led. And thats going to come from an area of resentment, remember,
because women want a guy who leads.
What about here place versus your place? Where are you going to end-up, where are you
going to spend most of your time? Well, if you spend most of the time at her place especially
early on, remember shes the mistress of her domain. So, yeah, you get to go and make a
mess at her place.
- 18 -
But you know what? If you do make a mess at her place, I think you should do your own
dishes. I dont think you should make a mess at her place and leave her to clean it up
because shes going to get resentful. Youre leading into laziness also.
If you have her come over your house all the time, youve got to understand that if that
woman is liking you, she may suddenly try to lead the relationship her own way by marking
her territory. She might start leaving clothes at your house, she may start putting things in
your medicine cabinet, leaving earrings, messing up your bed. Spraying the pillow with
perfume is something that you hear about all the time.
By way of quick example, one time I had a woman come over my house like the second or
third time Ive ever met her and she was wearing this black sequined shirt just festooned with
sequins. From a territory marking perspective, it was brilliant on her part because I was
picking up little tiny black sequins that look like little forty-five records from all over my house
for like a year or year and a half afterwards. Actually, come to think of it, Emily found one one
time after I got to know her. Crazy stuff, but just be aware and a good relationship manager to
the effect that you realize what a woman is doing when shes at your house and what
messages youre sending when shes there.
If you give her the key to your front door to your house so she can come over all the time,
youve got to expect two things. Basically, shes expecting to be your girlfriend. Second of all,
youve given her permission to drop by anytime she wants. You never give a woman keys to
your apartment or you house if you dont want her to drop by all the time.
And guess what guys? If youre in a situation where youre dating multiple women--and this is
right at the core of managing multiple long-term relationships--then you dont want to give any
woman the keys to your house.
And youve got to make sure that she knows that its not okay just to drop by anytime. Dont
set that precedent. Dont just show up at her door either. Dont just throw rocks at her
window. Dont do those things. Dont roll up on her unexpectedly. Because youre leading.
Youre managing the relationship and telling her its okay for her to do those things too.
If youre in an exclusive relationship and its really a pain if she cant get into your house and
get things she needs, or whatevera long way down the road--then yes, you exchange keys
to each others houses.
Where the rubber meets the road when it comes down to the whole house issue by the way,
is I think usually guys, unless somebody has a very, very extreme situation--assuming you
both have decent places to hang out--try to spend equal time at each others places.
Because heres something you probably havent thought of. If you say, Hey, you know what,
let her deal with the mess, lets just crash at her house all the time, you know whats going
happen when you guys finally decide to build a life together? Guess whose house shes
going to push for keeping? Youre going be putting your house up for sale because youre
already going to have set the precedent of spending most of your time at her house. Think
about it.
- 19 -
Most of all, try to get out of the house, like we talked about.
Another thing is meeting each others friends and family, right? You want to see what her
friends are like. She wants to see what your friends are like. If youre dating more than one
woman at once be very careful about introducing these women to your friends because they
will talk to other women about the other women of yours theyve met.
I didnt personally introduce women I was dating to my friends unless they were exclusive.
That was a choice I made. Your mileage may vary. Sometimes its unavoidable, especially if
youre dating people from a circle of friends--where you also need to manage very, very
carefully.
Thats where honesty really, really comes into the crosshairs. Im telling you, heres
something you should especially watch out for. If youve gone from dating one woman within
your circle of friends to more than one woman within that same circle of friends, you had
really better watch out.
If youre dating women who know each other, thats not such a good idea guys. Manage
better than that, okay? Date women who dont know each other. That seems almost basic,
but very, very true.
If you meet her friends, remember you need to be good to her friends. Build her up in the
eyes of her friends. Be a good man. You dont flirt with her friends guys, but you are friendly
to her friends. Also at the same time, watch what her friends are like. If you realize that shes
got great friends, that says a lot about her character. If there is a friend or two of hers that
you think are tearing her down, that you think have ulterior motive with her, honesty (that you
should have managed to long ago) will help you discuss that because youre looking out for
her best interests.
Again, youre not a controller, you just have honest conversations. Be honest about which of
your friends of each others youre getting along with. If you prefer not to hang out with some
friends of hers, thats okay. You need to give her the honesty. You need to give her the
freedom to say, Hey, look, that friend of yours, he kinda get some of my nerves. Can we not
hangout with him? Its okay to still keep your friends, but you need to respect each others
wishes in that area. I think thats a great, important piece of this whole relationship
management topic.
Another very key piece is finances. Now guys youve heard a lot of times that youre not
really supposed to buy them flowers after the first the date, take them to fancy dinners
because what are you doing? Youre setting the precedent for spending a lot money right at
the front into the relationship. You're not going to be able to sustain that unless youre Bill
Gates or something, most of us arent.
So, remember guys, youre leading in the area of finances. What you want to do is you want
to able to find things that are fun for you and the woman to do that arent necessarily going to
break the bank. Dont spoil her early on. Its just like raising children, if you give your kids
candy all the time, you give them a bunch of toys when theyre young, you cant just somehow
- 20 -
pull the plug on that when theyre seven or eight years old. Thats just the way of the world.
Again, manage your relationship in terms of how much financial outlay youre going to put out
there for this dating budget of yours from the very beginning. Then you wont have these
issues later of a woman who is spoiled, a woman who expects you to spend a lot of money,
bring her gifts all the time. Because rest assured guys, if you start out that way--if you buy
her flowers every other day for the first few days of the relationship--youre never going to get
out from under that. Keep that in mind.
Am I saying you should never spend any money and be totally stingy? Of course not. Youre
supposed to invite this woman into your reality, which is pretty much the golden standard for
everything were talking about here.
Youre a man with an exciting reality. Dont be afraid to bring her in to it, of course. But
remember, youre not trying to buy her affection. Perfect example of a way that you can
manage a relationship effectively right from the beginning, that will carry through probably for
the rest of your life.
Now, finallythe part youve all been probably waiting for. How do you manage a relationship
in the bedroom? Guys, if youre using the woman for sex, dont expect her to be a sex
goddess in return. Shell spread her legs maybe if shes desperate enough to want to keep
you around, but youre not going to pleasing her.
If youre a great relationship manager, youre going to be, when the time comes to get
physical, youre going to be a man who is all about pleasing her. Remember, youre leading.
You take care of that woman in the bedroom and she will take care of you in the bedroom.
Talk. Communicate. Weve talked about the whole communication issue. Really, the
bedroom is the culmination of all these positive, effective strategies for relationship
management. You tell that woman what you appreciate. You tell her when shes making you
feel good. You talk to that woman about what she likes. You give her the freedom to talk.
You dont pressure her to do things she doesnt want to do.
You have a relationship sexually where youre building her up, youre honest with each other,
and you take care of each other sexually. Pleasure her. Make sure shes having the greatest
orgasms of her entire life. And then, see, you will have led. And she will, in turn, give you the
greatest orgasms of your life.
But you see, reallyhonestly--the bedroom is where all of this comes together. And you
know what guys? I have this sneaking suspicion. If you practice outstanding relationship
management outside the bedroom from the minute you meet that woman, youre not going to
have any problems inside the bedroom either.
Youve heard it said before that a man who takes care the woman in the bedroom is a man
with a happy woman. Yeah, I think all this kind of comes back to positive relationship
management. You manage that relationship effectively. Thats the first key. Then, youre
taking care of each other in the bedroom. Then, voila, you have this great relationship.
- 21 -
I hope you guys have seen the importance of everything weve talked about today. I still find it
so amazing that so many guys dont even ever stopped to consider this at all, let alone in the
kind of detail weve talked about here.
So as always, this is Scot McKay. I thank you very much for listening. This has been the
audio program entitled, Core Introduction to Relationship Management and Leadership from
The Leading Man System from X & Y Communications. Until I talk at you again on the next
audio programbe good.

- 22 -

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T h e Le a d in g M a n

Playful banter attracts women.

E-mail Scot McKay: scot@deservewhatyouwant.com

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