The

SEX
Issue
!
 a t t e r
Grey M
Edi t o ri a l

Hi everyone, welcome to Grey Matter! AN ENDING FITTING FOR THE

START: Liam and Mike celebrate the
It’s a tough job being the editor, you have to deal with contributors release of another Grey Matter!
who mostly submit nothing, sometimes submit stuff that isn’t funny and
generally submit stuff that is very nasty and offensive - how rude! News in
Luckily, we’ve done this before, so this issue is both hilarious and
Briefs
completely uncontroversial and inoffensive to anyone. Martyn Chamberlain
If you do read something you don’t like, don’t worry, it was probably pisses in pool at Grey
written by Darius Rackus or Mark Hosking, and everyone knows Day
they’re so nice.
Pete the Porter banned
Anyway, we hope you enjoy the summer issue of Grey Matter, and also from formals after toilet
that you have a nice summer. visit
No doubt you’ll be doing an internship for Deloitte or PWC, or
perhaps leaving for a 3 month trip to the Americas compliments of Sean Young thoroughly
Daddy. enjoys 9th year at Grey

Unless you’re Speakman, whose complete lack of any transferable skills German Tim’s Grey Day
and pathological desire for lubed up inflatable armbands has destined performance goes down
him to a lifetime of dead-end jobs in the rubber industry. a Stohrm!

m & M i
Nice one Lee!
k e Pete Gill describes

Lia
Sportsperson’s Formal
speech as “Popular and
thought-provoking”

This term’s elected sub-editors are:

Graham Bailey Jon Forman Ben Halfpenny Iain Haywood Mark Hosking Darius Rackus Malcolm Simms Dave Williams

This term we are not publishing details of sub-editors non-contributions as we

feel it may put off future candidates. But rest assured you are all LAZY SHITS!!!
Also thanks to Ha Cook, at least he tried to write something.
 g e 3 !
Pa
SARAH, 20, ESSEX

There's more
to share with
sarah hare...
 Spe e c h w r i t i n g
nes
With Guest Speaker Dave Jo
Need a speech for that important event? Looking to impress? Well look no further
than Dave “Jones” Jones, master orator and comedian. The slimmer, fitter Jones
made a triumphant return to Grey College with a rollercoaster of a speech at the
illustrious Sportspersons Formal. Dave shares his top tips with us for commanding
the respect and admiration of all quarters of the college:

Step 1: Baby/Infant jokes

Any good speechwriter will tell you that you need a good joke to get the audience
going. Take it from me that with dirty fuckers like The Bush there you’re gonna need
to hit ‘em with a cracker. Two words: Child Rape. This is the perfect subject matter
for something like a Formal, because it’s guaranteed to get you laughs whilst also
being well within the boundaries of taste and decency.

Step 2: Marginalise everyone

Ultimate Frisbee? Sports involving women? Don’t be afraid to let the audience know
that if its not rugby (not including the variety played by women) it’s not worth shit.

Step 3: Snipe at guests

Don’t think for one minute that anti-
Semitism isn’t funny. Because it is.
Similarly with fat jokes. You can never
overdo it.

Step 4: Remember that it’s

your show
You’re the captain. You’re in
the driving seat. If you want
to make allegations of
seal clubbing, go ahead.
Who are you? Dave-
motherfucking-Jones
that’s who.

RELAXED: Jones
winds down after
another successful speech

Bottoms Up!
Local Knucklehead
“Immensely Proud” of
College Drink
Grey College voted in their droves on Monday
as Yarm-based sport student Tom Jeffery
prevailed in the competition to find a new
college drink with his effort, “The Mirage”.
+ +
Despite costing a bomb and tasting like piss,
the drink garnered more votes than any other,
swaying the judging panel into offering it the
dubious title of “college drink”.
“He’s achieved this through nothing other
than intimidation” spat drink creating
competitor Lee Williamson.
Visitors from Cuth’s and Castle were visibly
amused upon tasting Grey’s lowly offering, safe
in the knowledge that their own college drinks
were vastly superior.
Amidst calls for a vote of no confidence, Jeffery
was heard to talk about his “legacy” over a pint
of Strongbow distinctly lacking in either Red
Bull or Vodka.

Ready, Steady, Bake!

Resident Nice Guy Wins Baking Competition
Foppish Jonny Thomson yesterday
baked his way to victory in the first
ever Grey College bake-off.
The competition was organised and
judged by Grey’s own Jonny Rigby,
who washed down mountains of
tasty cake with a nice pint of real
ale.
“It was light, fluffy and delicately
balanced flavour-wise, with a sweet
cinnamon aftertaste”, chuckled
Rigby of the winning cake.
“It’s just nice to have my talents
recognised for a change” sighed an
elated Jonny Thomson.
But the competition took a turn
for the macabre when thrash metal
loving Tim Spear entered his own
special brand of brownies into the
competition.
“I don’t like this... I don’t like this
one bit”, whimpered Rigby several
hours later, his once rosy cheeks
noticeably paler.
Nonetheless, the competition was a
roaring success.
“It was great fun” smiled Thomson.
“Hopefully, we can turn this into an
annual, quarterly or even weekly
event”, added Rigby hopefully.
 s t. . .
Ps s
Bash in my trough and call
me a sow, I’m so angry I
n o rt!)
could eat my own snout!
! O i n k! S
News has just reached
(Oi n k
my sty that those JCR
Which sporty
do-gooders have recently
fresher gave oral
appointed a Welshman as
relief to a boy from
‘JCR Chair’.
Northumbria Uni
What next, a Scot for
on the tour coach?
Prime Minister?
For those who don’t know,
Which lumbering
Wales is a small province
oaf had sex on the
of Abergevanny, which
rowing machine in
has recently been granted
the gym?
Durham asylum by the
powers that be - more fool
Which Grey Matter
them! CAUGHT UNAWARES: Gruff Welshman Steffan Messenger editor was caught

SHOOT THE
Steffan grew up in the heart
wanking in a field?
of Lower Referendum, Wales,
where he learned English by

MESSENGER
Which current JCR
sifting through the bins of
president has had
the Welsh Assembly.
sex with a lubed up
His vocabulary is therefore
armband, along with
limited to such phrases as “Motion pass-es” and “Stan-ding by proxy”.
Dave Williams and
Call me a backward swine if you will, but given the current climate of terrorism and avian
Adam Rowlands?
flu, is it really wise to allow people such as this to handle our affairs? This little piggy thinks
that it’s political correctness GONE MAD!!! Would our revered politico Joseph Cookson be
Which 2nd
dishing out crosswords, games and sweets in serious JCR meetings if he were Chair?
year biologist is
No - he would be fending off accusations of illicit S&M affairs with rent boys, and doing a fine
approaching 30
and sombre job of running the good ship Grey to boot.
notches on his bed-
The JCR constitution is like a straw house on which our hopes and dreams are built, and if we
post? Jackets on!!!
don’t watch out, Barmy Steffan will huff and puff and blow that house down.
It’s just common sense.
“Rampant” Sunbed Use by College Nancy-Boys
Oink! My spies from beyond the farm The sorry culprits were yesterday
tell me that the average risk of skin named as resident dandy Dan
cancer in Grey recently tripled, after Bean, Boris-Johnson-alike Sam
one too many tanning booth visits by Kempsey, college cunt Douglas
the self-proclaimed pretty boys of the Houston and the normally
college. politically astute Tom Bohills.
In tale to rival that of Icarus, these I piggishly suggested to Dan Bean
preening fresher peacocks flew too that he might try rolling in the mud
close to the sunbed, and in one and letting it dry in the sun, but he
marathon 10 minute session their told me that mud was “icky” and
skins were turned a deep crimson would “mess up the ‘do”.
- not of shame at their tarnished “Top banter”, sniggered Dougie. MONEY WELL SPENT: The boys show
masculinity, but of good old sunburn. You couldn’t make it up. off their new look
 Drugs Officer James Dowler Reporting
Evening all, it’s me, James Dowler. I’ve had reports
that a “Timothy Anthony Mark Spear” has been
causing minor offences around college. I’ve
uncovered a catalogue of evidence. Here it is!

Absolutely Disgraceful!

Substance abuse at it’s

worst.
Spear hitting the pipe. A sorry sight - Tim Another day, another
finds solace in drink. coke binge.

Women

Katy Davies (M
issing) Ruth Taylor

Aoife Mansfield

Twin One

Anonymous...
Twin Two
Bianca Belby

Men
 He’s well known around college for his bright blue barnet and affable nature.
But beyond the blue hair, what makes up this complex enigma of a man?
Grey Matter went to lunch 25 minutes early to find out...
Have Your
Say!
“For as long as I can remember, next In the few short weeks surrounding
best has been for the next man”, muses exam time, Mr. Blue has shown his true
the mysterious Mr. Blue. colours, metamorphosing from a mild
The time is 11:32 and Blue is already mannered frisbee-botherer into one of
holding pride of place in what will soon the most feared men of college.
“I say the
become the lunch queue. With his blue hair a metaphor for a
more pushing
“I put the time in. I make the sacrifices. heavy handed policing of the lunch
in the better.
And if the johnny-come-lately’s of queue, Mr. Blue has transformed lunch
It’s dog eat
college are going to come and try to and dinner queues from a sociable amble
dog out there
usurp my hard-won position in the into his very own totalitarian queuetopia.
people, last man
queue, I simply can’t be held responsible And what of Mr. Blue’s plans for the
standing. Wait
for my reaction”. future?
til you’re in the
And what a reaction it’s been. “I’m very busy implementing a ticket
real world!”
based queueing system for the bar -
Johnny
and I’m getting first dibs!”
Horsely

“Why do some
people have no
manners? Surely
Advertising Promotion at our age
New From HA Cook... people would
realise its just
polite not to
push in!!?? How
Get the Hey porn lovers!
same
hard can it be?”
Do you enjoy dodgy fetish/scat porn as much as me? I doubt it, but in any
case here is my new 1GB USB stick preloaded with all the pornography Only
‘drive for Sarah
porn’ as Williams
Henri!
£8.99!
you can stomach, including the private collection - all Henri all the time!
 Grey Matter Exclusive Our African Correspondent Reports

Milner and Molloy

Aids Benefit Scandal

“Look, it’s not our problem if these people don’t

understand art”.
Alice Milner

“The only sad thing it that more of them didn’t

turn up, it’s their own fucking fault”.
Clare Molloy

Famed art duo Alice Milner & Clare
Molloy yesterday denied claims that their
“mAshHHup in afRicAFricafRiCa fOR
aIDs” event had backfired.
The event, originally organised by UNICEF,
was in effect hijacked by the guerilla art
twosome as part of their continuing
mission to spread their bizarre brand of
“art” around the
globe.
Predictably, the
pair’s ill advised
non-event bombed
spectacularly,
leaving the state
of Malawi in
debt to the Arts Repentant: A Malawian village offer all in the context of suffering as a
of their remaining grain to pay for arty
Committee to the decorations.
tune of £120,000.
“They’re gonna have to pay, decorations
and bastard-pop DJs don’t come cheap and
I’m certainly not footing the bill” snarled
art-loving Molloy.
Citizens of Malawi were yesterday
auctioning grain, cattle and wives in a vain
attempt to cover the tremendous costs
accrued by the pretentious pair.
Inspection of the committee’s hand-
painted accounts revealed that up to
£10,000 had been spent on hiring male
models dressed as Zulu tribesmen serving
up hot earl grey tea in mugs made of
Russian ice.
“The real problem facing Africa is their
complete lack of any unifying
aesthetic” opined Milner, when
pressed on her views on the
AIDS epidemic facing the
continent.
The ever kooky Molloy nodded
in agreement, adding: “I think
that poverty can be a truly
beautiful thing, when framed
facet of the human condition”.
JCR President Lee Speakman defended the
disgraced duo, saying: “I just think it’s good
that Arts are reaching a wider audience.
Not in this case obviously, but you know
what I mean”.
But Clare Molloy, characteristically, had the
last word:
“The only thing that could have improved
this event would be a highly selective
interview process. Now fuck off you
uncultured swine”.
A Little Bit of Magic
Following his glowing durham21.co.uk review of the Phoenix Ball,
John Elmes mourns the passing of a recent trip to Tesco...
No Complaints Here
I hope most people can remember
the giddy feeling of excitement at a
childhood Christmas, or birthday.
Some people, perhaps, can recall
the awe-inspiring view of the grand
canyon or the man-made beauty of
the sistine chapel.
If you bundle these memorable and
aesthetic delights into one, we begin
to get a picture of the immense
destination that is the Durham
branch of Tesco.
Partisan I may be, but I am sure
that there are customers of other
branches of Tesco who have been
disappointed and who have waited
to cry out their grievances to the
customer services desk. Fortunately,
Durham Tesco has yet to let us down.
The shopping experience began
when I walked through the smooth
operating electric doors, which
worked quietly and even used infra-
red technology to sense my presence
as I approached the door.
I knew already that this was going to
be a very special visit.
The sights and sounds that hit me
within were amazing. It appeared
that Tesco had prepared a veritable
banquet of fruits and vegetables at
the front of the store, simply waiting
to be scooped into the plastic bags
helpfully provided. traditional bakeries around Europe to
The incredible instore sound system create one über-bakery.
played such classics as ‘Night Nurse’. I plucked a tasty looking roll from
This was my kind of store. one of the many bread platters
on display and cheerfully strolled
Walking through this market of magic, towards the exit.
I was struck by the community spirit
of the place. Happy Days
All around me, happy local shoppers All around me happy people were
picked and weighed fruit, smiling as browsing the smorgasbord of delights
they lead their beautiful children which Tesco had placed on handy
around the garden of delights which rows of shelves.
Tesco had prepared for us all. I waved and smiled to the shoppers
I picked up a rosy-red apple and as I headed homeward, and gave a
continued on my way. respectful nod and cheerful wave of
my roll to the Herculean security
Need….to….catch…..my…… guard at the door.
breath…..(gasp)
Feeling a little overawed, I staggered Suddenly I felt a firm but reassuring
on to the deli counter, where yet hand on my shoulder.
more wonders awaited. “Oi, dickhead, where are you going
Friendly staff greeted me behind a with that?” asked the burly guard.
counter laden with literally every Luckily it was a simple
variety of cheese and meat known misunderstanding which I cleared up
to man. After a cheery conversation, with a crisp £50 note handed to the
I walked away with a nice package of nice security man.
Camembert, without a single bit of
money having changed hands. Hyperbole often occurs when you
describe something close to your
As I strolled comfortably through the heart, but in this case I feel I have
perfectly climate-controlled store, my only understated my visit.
nostrils became party to an incredible It is no exaggeration to say that, 24
aroma, and I realised that I must be hours and a night in the cells later, I
approaching the famed Tesco bakery. still hear the faint sound of children’s
The hard-working staff had combined crying and beeping tills ringing in my
all the facets of modern and ears.
 Party is Over for
‘Team Dickhead’ Group struggles to remain socially relevant
following departure of eponymous leader
Grey college
students are
up in arms after
revelations suggesting
the infamous sex-
swapping quasi-political
group “Team Dickhead”
were in fact not that funny.
The group, comprising
many of the movers-and-
shakers of Grey College’s
political and social scene,
would once “amuse” fellow
students with their drunken
antics, catchphrases, and bizarre
sexual networks. Self professed
“dickhead” and Grey College
President, Lee Speakman was
bewildered by the claims; “I just
don’t understand it – we have a
Facebook group and everything!”
Concern has also been raised
over the well being of a member
of Team Dickhead, precocious
ex-Fresher rep Laura Daykin,
13. “She may be small” Lee
Williamson exclaimed “But she
loves it nonetheless”.
The imminent departure of
Speakman and Daykin’s VP
election debacle leaves the
group in definite crisis. The team
who were once Premier league
are soon to be dwindling in the CONCERN: Questions have
proverbial college conference. been raised over the alleged
As philosopher of the group mistreatment of tiny Daykin
Williamson mused, “Times
are changing - I think it was
Montesquieu who said, oh
err wait sorry this is totally
irrelevant.”

The group are reported to be As the sweet winds of time

devastated over allegations
that their chat is “smelly”, and
their banter, is in fact, “shanter”.
Charlotte “5000 rpm” Tregunna
was however, unfazed by the
accusations, answering her
detractors by stating “Don’t
fuck with Dickhead, our chat is
odourless and I’ll blow [away]
any man who says otherwise.”
blow their merry bagpipes and
the exec receive a fresh lick
of paint, Team Dickhead can
only hope that their infamous
banter and witty jokes act as
the metaphorical arm bands
to not only appease the sexual SCHMOOZING: Speakman’s days
needs of President Speakman, as president, and with them the
but to help them avoid sinking Dickhead Dynasty, are numbered
into the sea of obscurity.

Disappointment of Poke Boy

“It isn’t fair, I’ve put so much fucking
work in” complained an unnamed
fresher boy recently.
The boy had until last week been
‘poking’ a girl from the other side of
Oswald on Facebook, in the hope
that this might lead to sex.
Unfortunately, the anticipated sexual
relations have failed to materialise,
and the boy has grown increasingly
frustrated with the situation.
Reluctant to engage in real world
interaction, the boy has renewed
hope thanks to the new ‘Facebook
Application Platform’.
“I’m gonna send her a shitload of
‘iLike’ notifications!” he explains
cheerfully.
 Assassin Society News

PORTER JOINS
ASSASSINS
Ben Haytack’s Arm Broken
“Never underestimate the
element of surprise” said
Peter Dunn yesterday, in a curt
response to queries over the
now infamous ‘Haytack Arm-
Break’.
Arguably, there was nothing
surprising about an 18 stone ex-
SAS killing machine breaking the
arm of the waif-like physicist in
a one-on-one fight to the death.
But Dunn was in fact referring
to the unconventional methods
he has pursued since joining the
Assassin’s society last term.
Eschewing the traditional spazzy the college’s elite killing unit”.
Speaking from his hospital bed,
bandana, mask and top-to-toe But the Assassin’s society, whileHaytack emitted a soft whimper
black spandex getup of the elite, was by no means the test and tried in vain to move his
assassin (pictured far right), the of man Pete was hoping for. now useless arm.
portly porter carried out his “It’s not fair... it wasn’t supposed
deadly business wearing a nice “So this reet fairy comes up and to be part of the game” gasped
blue shirt and jeans. tries hittin’ me with a plastic Haytack.
axe” explains Pete.
“It was horrible, Ben’s arm “I performed defence But vice-master Tony Cleaver
snapped like a sapling” wailed motion 339 and the threat sprung to his porter’s defence.
onlooking assassin Katie Logan, was neutralised”, he added “He was just doing his job”, said
clutching her pet owl as if it ominously. Cleaver.
were real. When pressed on whether
‘Motion 339’ is known Dunn’s job description
“Ohh I joined jus’ for a laff like” colloquially in the service involved breaking the arms of
commented Dunn. as “the human pretzel” and defenceless students, Cleaver
“Since leavin’ the SAS, life been involves creating a figure of added: “Who dares wins, it’s
reet borin’, so I thought I’d join eight style pattern with the what we pay him for, now fuck
attacking party’s arms. off before I call Pete”.
Have you had an accident at work Dave Williams I have a
or in your place of education that can help! degree and I
intend to
WASN’T YOUR FAULT? Fees Required Regardless
of Outcome. Call Today!
use it!
 Assassin Society News

HARRY
POTTER
DEAD
Nick Harkin
Collects Bounty
Following numerous rumours and whisperings
in both the literary and mainstream press, it has
been confirmed that Harry Potter is dead.
Potter was widely expected to be killed off by
millionaire author JK Rowling, but, in the event,
kicked the bucket at the hands of Grey College’s
own Nick Harkin.
Harkin is the most feared of all the men who use
fake guns to pretend to kill each other, thanks to
his vivid imagination and constant cries of “I shot Getting past the magical Hogwarts security was
you, I shot you first”. relatively easy for flame-haired Harkin, who
capitalised on his natural resemblance to Potter’s
Harkin’s bold move has dealt a long time friend Ron Weasley.
serious blow to the progress Donning his formal gown and
of Ms. Rowling’s latest, final brandishing a poorly crafted wand,
Potter instalment, as she faces the disguise was complete.
the problem of explaining why
Harry has died at the hands of a Friend Hermione Granger was visibly
wiry computer science student distraught the next day, sobbing
with a rubber knife bought from uncontrollably and repeatedly crying:
Woolworths. “He was our friend!”

Harkin executed the Potter Harkin’s status in the Assassin’s

hit job by sneaking into the society is now assured.
Griffyndor dorm at Hogwarts Already known as “The Dark Lord”,
and throwing in a black tennis Harkin is now insisting that friends
GINGER: The disguise Harkin
ball which was supposed to be a refer to him as “The One Who Must
used to infiltrate Hogwarts
tear gas grenade, before launching Not Be Named”, and apparently he’s
himself at Potter and landing pretend blow after generally been acting like a prick about all of it.
pretend blow with the rubber knife, rendering The moral is clear - pretending to kill the world’s
the popular fictional wizard completely pretend most popular fictional character may bring glory,
dead. but it certainly does not bring happiness.
B l u e b e l l S c o o p !
In a recent bluebell pho
tography competition, K
£2500 in prize money. B aren Blundell handed out
ut what of the entries th over
Here we present the also at didn’t quite make the
-rans... cut?

“Bluebell in the snow”

By Dan Tresman “Blue Balls”
by Katie Lo
g an

ture
Pete Gill and Dan Tresman really cap
s
the frailty of the lonely bluebell in thi A fucking distu
rbing picture in
touching work of photography. Logan of the Tre
asure Trap hits
which Katie
man with a sw a near-naked
ord. Nice blueb
ell.
“Just doing my hair”
By Lucy ‘Heaven’ Reid “Leigh Haworth holding my
baps in the pool after Grey
Day” by Sarah Farricker

Lucy’s was the only entry to include

no
bluebells at all. She created this piece
using
some makeup, a camera with self-time pose in
r Sarah Farricker and Leigh Haworth
and a carefully studied pose. and
this tasteful juxtaposition of bluebells
tits.

Better luck next time guys!

 Exec Profile
F o o t e :
r y s
Cssaistant Treasurer
A
Assistant TO the
Hey guys, Carys Foote here. I’m sure you all know me as the treasurer!
financial powerhouse behind college life... no, not Emily, she’s
the “Treasurer”.
Sure, I may only be “assistant” treasurer, but not many
people realise it’s one of the most, if not the most, high
pressure jobs in all of college.That’s why I thought I’d take you Afternoon
on the wild journey that is a day in my life. A quick lunch then back to work.
Time is of the essence in my job,
Morning but luckily I can handle it.
Get up, eat sensible breakfast, watch the financial news
on BBC Breakfast. Job #2 - Receive a phone call
You never really know how the FTSE 100 index might from Emily, debts need chasing
affect the cost of the Army Bop tickets until you’ve up! 13 people have yet to pay
walked a mile in my shoes. for the Wensleydale Pilgrimage,
Head up to college, on the way bumping into my and it’s down to me to write the
predecessor Nick Rossiter. He looks much better after email. Produce a friendly but forceful email, outlining
that month in The Priory but I guess this job takes more the damage that could be done to college should the
of a toll on some than it does on others, I just hope I cheques not be received.
make it out alive. Receive instructions for the day ahead. Send it through to Emily safe in the knowledge that
pretty soon, 13 crisp cheques will line the exec safe and
Job #1 - Obtain those little plastic money bags from I’m to thank. I wonder if I’ll be made HLM for this...
the Natwest. Head down to the union...disaster, they’ve
run out! After a Evening
brief panic, I use It’s a disgrace! Emily sent out the email and because only
my initiative and she has access to the gr-liversin and gr-liversout mailing
head across to lists, she signed it as if she had written the email! Now
Barclays. The staff nobody will know that it was I, Carys Foote, Assistant
aren’t as friendly Treasurer who saved college from potential bankruptcy.
but they Can’t let myself get stressed though, that’s what they
do have a nicer want.
logo, so all in all
the mission is a Time for bed anyway. I hope you’ve enjoyed your insight
success. Head into the roller coaster ride that is the life of the Assistant
up to college Treasurer.
and enjoy a cup Just remember though, next time you pay a cheque in
of coffee in the late, signed to the wrong account and for the wrong
college cafe amount, it’s my neck on the line.
as my reward College’s finances remain safe for another day, but who
for averting a knows what tomorrow will bring.
potentially major Whatever it does bring, Assistant Treasurer Carys
crisis. Foote will be there to ensure you don’t suffer the
consequences.
Wife Swap
Two couples swap wives or girlriends and watch the
fireworks fly!

The pilot episode sees Mrs. Chamberlain joining

‘banter boy’ Douglas Houston, with Mr. Chamberlain
welcoming Sam Williams into his ample home.

HOUSE ON FIRE: Williams and

Chamberlain in Loveshack

The Apprentice
Hopeful contestants compete to win the affections
of millionaire businessman Henry Dyson, with the
ultimate prize a trip to Dyson’s lavish Norwegian home.

This year’s winner is moustachioed James Trundle, who

will be jetting off this summer!
MOUSTACHE: Trundle

Queer Eye for the Grey Guy

A straight-as-an-arrow guy with dubious fashion sense
is brought up to date by a whole gossip of gay men.

This week, Neal, Rich, Henry and James throw out Tim
Spear’s dated skater threads and replace them with
some of this season’s cutest looks!

NEW LOOK: Spear

And now, some American/Canadian humor [sic] courtesy of
Darius Rackus!

����� ���� ��� ���� ������� ������

������ ������������� ����
Tables Turned
Students soon to take over from Conference Trade
as “Number one Priority” for Durham University
In a shock U-turn, Old Shire Hall will soon physicists flashing the Bishop and a load of
be looking at how they can further academic Norwegian Archaeologists who streaked
targets and improve the experience of across Palace Green. Then there were the
Durham students. Taxidermists from Romsgrave who took a
keen liking to the swans living
For the last few years, under Prebends Bridge.
emphasis at Old Shire Hall, the
Durham University base of GM: There are swans living
operations, has firmly shifted under Prebends?
from anything studies related
with conference trade taking Source: No, and there never
precedence. were. I cannot confirm or
deny any statement of that
Since the October 2005 re- nature.
branding of from ‘University
of Durham’ to ‘University of GM: Hmm. So where do
Conferences,’ there has been you see the course of the
an emphasis within the newly university progressing from
titled University to “Take in the FIRED: The University’s old focus here?
conference trade at all costs.” on conferences and business
Source: Well, we’re going to
However following a series have to focus on the bloody
of high profile blunders the students again aren’t we! As if
university is setting out to it wasn’t hard enough trying to
reassess it’s position regarding run a university without having
conferences. Grey Matter a load of fucking students
speaks to a confidential running about the place.
source inside Old Shire Hall.
At this point our Grey Matter
GM: What’s brought on this correspondent took his
shock turn-around then like? leave. Our source is currently
believed to be re-arranging
Source: Well there have been his paperweight collection
some cover-ups. Turns out in order of mass, prior to
the conference delegates are addressing the less important
HIRED: A risky new strategy
more volatile than the average focusing on students and education matter of catering to the
Durham University Student. needs of students.
We’ve had German particle
 Letters
To The
Editors
Dear Editors,

Why did the slag chart disappear after I left?

London Girl, Hawaii

We’re sure it’s purely coincidental...

Dear Editors,

What’s going on? After my dismal failure at

the local elections I was expecting at least
one page of abuse!
Joe Twatson, Prominent Fresher Conservative

Snore...

Dear Editors,

Is this the first edition in two years not to

mention a pint of spirits being downed?
Paul Furley, Behind The Bar

Not anymore!

Dear Fuckfaces,

You’ve been in my office and pissed in my

favourite mug AGAIN. I thought you said we’d
call it quits after Grey Day, what the fuck?!
Silver Fox,The House Next to Fountains Hall

We’ve barely mentioned you this

issue, it’s the least we could do.
A Game i ly...
Use this cut ou
t and keep gam
T h e F a m e
For All to play a fun ga
me of dress up
!
Simply cut aro
und the shapes
below and plac
e them on
everyone’s favo
urite porter to
create an outfi
t that is so fetc
h!

Disclaimer: Quite a lot of this publication is misquoted, made-up or just bollocks. If you feel offended, don’t worry, it
probably isn’t true. And don’t take it personally, everyone’s a target.You’re next, “Malcolm Simms”. GM 2007