Title:

09:12

Author:

celahirfeiniel

Pairing: OT5, Yunho-centric, Changmin-centric

Rating: PG, I guess.
Disclaimer: Not mine. If I owned the boys, there would be no split whatsoever.
Summary: We're still standing here. We are TVXQ.

Warning: Unbeta-ed. Timeline doesn't add up, kind of?

Author's Notes: Omo! First TVXQ fanfic ever! I dunno how I did with this. So c-criticisms and comments are most welcome. XD

09:12
the confessional
music and lyrics: jung yunho and shim changmin

***
track 1: the calm after the storm
In the entire week that followed after the trios departure, Yunho locked himself in his room, clutching his sheets and Bambi, spilling
bitter tears, never saying a word to Changmin and feeling like the biggest failure in the whole wide world. Hes a good Christian, so
he wonders why God didnt listen to his prayers of keeping the family together. Hes pathetic and all he can mutter is I love you

Jae, I love you Chun, I love you Su. Dont go, dont leave please.

When his hyung-deul left, instead of bursting into uncontrollable tears, Changmin chose to break half of the glassware in the
apartments dining room before occupying the bathroom with a bottle of soju beside him and their Mirotic CD clutched to his chest.
The tears dont fall. He supposes this is what the end of the world feels like. He hates himself for it.
***
track 2: youre my best dream and my worst nightmare
The first time Yunho hears Ayyy Girl, he chokes on the warm lemon tea hes drinking, and he wonders for a moment why all of a
sudden midday is as dark as midnight and its as if his heart has suddenly stopped beating. Changmin has to rescue him before he
smothers himself in the living room floor fifteen minutes later.

The first time Changmin sees them in television, apparently theyre in US working with Kanye whoever he is, he shakes and feels
like throwing up and he has to physically restrain himself from hurling the nearest vase at their flat screen. Hes angry and jealous

How on earth can they work and smile like nothings happened, after leaving us here to rot? It should have been the five of us
there, not just three but looking into the faces he used to know, he admits he feels his heart breaking more. Yunho finds him
asleep in the couch, five hours later, with tear stains in his pale cheek, the TV on mute and long-forgotten.
***
track 3: the end of good things is a painful start

When Yunho stepped into SM for the first time after the whole fiasco, he cant help but take notice of how much people are looking
at him, with something akin to worry and pity in their eyes. He hates it, hates it so much it takes all of his willpower not to lose his
cool and lash out at them Yes, Im fine. Now you can stop staring, okay? Get a life people! instead he straightens his shoulders,
rides the elevator and walks to their dressing room. It is only when hes in front of the door, listening to Changmins voice and
wondering idly where are the other three voices?, that he releases the shaky breath he didnt even realize he was holding.

Nothings changed, Changmin muses as he steps into their dressing room after such a long absence, finding their things the way
the five left them all those months ago. Everythings still here, it still feels the same, and somehow Changmin is lulled by a peaceful
feeling that maybe, just maybe, the past days and months have simply been a nightmare and hes finally awake now. Hes jolted
back into reality when instead of the bear hug from the duckbutt that usually greets him from behind, its the nonchalant good
morning of a passing stylist noona that welcomes him on his first day back at SM.
***
track 4: missing you
Dancing comes natural to Yunho but as he takes his place in the rehearsal studio for KYHD practices, he feels out of sync and lightheaded, like hes here but hes really not. The choreographer and backup dancers look at him funny, even Changmin gives him a
worried look and an even more worried are you okay, hyung? when he trips for the 5th time in 2 hours. He manages a weak grin
for his dongsaeng, an apologetic smile to his peers, and a bittersweet twitch of his lips for himself - as he remembers the large doe
eyes, the eu kyang kyang and the greasy one-liners that used to make rehearsals so much joy for him.

The first time they try to record KYHD, it would be an understatement to say that all hell broke loose. The vocals that used to come
so easily to Changmin suddenly seemed so much harder now and his Yunho-hyung isnt making things any better. The producer
was livid, screaming for the nth time, and was already within an inch from strangling them both to death. He wonders for a
moment if death would be a better alternative, but then he remembers JYJs smiling faces on their private showcase in New York
and he steels himself No. Im going to show them that were just as good as before, if not better. Were TVXQ. Were not going
down without a fight and starts hitting those notes perfectly that even Yunho is driven to perform well and leaves the producer
with his jaw on the floor.
***
track 5: the tears we share as the moon kisses the sky
Yunho dreads stepping into the kitchen, afraid of the onslaught of memories of the warm smiling eyes, ivory skin and infectious
laughter that hes sure will assault his senses and render him paralyzed for the rest of the day. But he cannot let Changmin starve,
so he ignores the prickling pain in his heart and cooks away, making something that he hopes will be remotely edible for both of
them. Changmin comes home 2 hours later, finds the kitchen in complete chaos with a crying Yunho, and for the first time in a
while, he hugs his hyung fiercely from behind, stopping those pretty, pretty hands from getting more cuts. This is the first time
theyve cried together in so long.

Changmin is not asthmatic, nor does he have allergies, but as he lays in the room he used to share with Junsu and Yoochun, he
finds himself unable to breathe, unable to see, unable to hear. He can only feel the pieces of his heart slipping from his grasp, taste
the bittersweet tang of blood from his inner cheek, smell his hyung-deul like theyre squishing him in a sandwich again. The
darkness is closing in and he prays to God hell be able to sleep and forget this pain for a little while. When Yunho comes in the
morning, he sees his maknae in a bundle of tangled sheets, Yoochuns composition notebook and Junsus soccer ball in his arms.
***
track 6: confusing feelings and paranoia
Call him girly but Yunho keeps a guitar and music note charm attached to his phone and though it seems to strike a chord against
his manliness, he never takes it off. When you ask him why, hell simply say Jaejoong and thats enough of an explanation. So when
he wakes up to the sight of their manager hovering over his bed, clutching what remains of his old phone and handing him a brand
new one without the charm and then leaving without a word, he doesnt know whether to cry or be angry or laugh like a maniac.
Its funny. Losing the charm seemed to hurt more than his later discovery of the absence of Jae, Chun, and Sus numbers.

SM works thoroughly, was Changmins first thought when he got his brand new phone with all 247 contacts intact. Hes missing
three numbers and he doesnt have to wonder to whom they belong to. He isnt surprised so he merely resorts to throwing his
phone to the floor where it amazingly doesnt shatter. Pretty tough phone, he thinks. Changmin has to wonder if their brotherhood
can still be like that through all of this mess.
***
track 7: its hard to be the one left behind
Yunho supposes moving out of the dorms will be a good change, something that Changmin and him both need, so he asks around,
surfs the internet and looks into different houses, not apartments but houses they can move in until he finds a two-storey house
just outside of Seoul, in a quiet and wonderful enough neighborhood and he cant wait to show it to Changmin. Yunho arrives home
with pretty pictures and an excitement that can rival that of a childs, finding his youngest - hell always be the youngest even if its
just the two of them - sitting on the couch, hugging Jaes pillow and stroking their group picture from 2006 and suddenly, Yunho
feels like the ugliest bastard in the planet. The new house and the idea of moving dont come up in any of their conversations for
another 3 months.

Its when hes alone at home like this that he truly and deeply misses his Jaejoong-hyung, Junsu-hyung and Yoochun-hyung. He
feels like he can still hear their voices, smell their scents and feel their touches wherever he is in the house, and before he knows it,
tears are dripping from his eyes and he cant stop them no matter what he does. Staying like this is painful but he isnt moving, not
yet because for him, leaving this apartment means closing that chapter in their lives and frankly he isnt ready - he isnt ready to let
go or even fathom the idea of never seeing or hugging them again. Call him a masochist, but this is a Changmin who loves.
***
track 8: i dont know who you are anymore
Pain and betrayal. Thats what Yunho felt with Junsus tweet. Junsu-yah, do you think everything is so easy for us? Do you think of
our friendship as that insignificant? How could you? He wants to shout, wants to cry and blame someone, anyone. But Yunho
doesnt break down. He gives his response and acts all calm and responsible. He wonders who hes fooling, if hes even succeeding
at all.

The analogy with the swans was a very witty remark, or so their manager tells Changmin. He even receives a compliment from Lee
Soo Man himself - You hit the nail on the head, Changmin-ah. Just what I expected from you. Youve always been the smartest in
TVXQ - which makes him want to puke right on the studio floor. Yunho asks him "did you mean what you said, Changminah?" when they get back home and its the last straw. He breaks down right on their doorstep and Yunho has to carry him all the
way inside, the silent apartment ringing with I dont know hyung. I dont know. I hate them. Im angry at them. I love them. I miss

them. Bring them back hyung. Bring them back. I hate them. No, I love them.
***
track 9: on stage, on edge

Standing on stage with just the two of them is painful, to say the least. Yunho has to keep himself in check every time theyre on
stage, just so he wouldnt be caught looking around for people he knows will never come. He should be strong, at least for
Changmin. The threats of scolding, and even beatings however doesnt stop him from hoping and praying that somehow, the pieces
of his heart would magically find their way back to him.

He may act nonchalant about it but Changmin desperately misses the feeling of standing with four other people on stage, the
feeling of being bonded not with blood ties but with the same deep love and passion for music. He looks at his Yunho-hyung and
for a moment the latter is as lost as he is. He sees the hope and grief in those brown orbs and suddenly, he has an urge to just
grab his hyung and head to the airport, where they can get on the next flight to LA. Instead, he steels his grip on his mic and hits
the notes for Before You Go as the crowd goes wild.
***

track 10: sunshine and lavender give me hope and joy

The move happens on March. Its a collective decision but that somehow doesnt lessen the pain of leaving the home theyve known
for so many years. At Yunhos insistence, SM has agreed for them to keep their old dorm, for reasons best not discussed. Its really
beautiful, Yunho-hyung Changmin says as he looks up at the pretty, pretty house. Yunho is glad for his maknaes smile, especially
the bright grin that blossoms on his face when he sees that the first item on their living room is TVXQs picture from MKMF 2008.

The first thing Changmin does at their new house is grab Jaejoongs apron, Yoochuns notebook and Junsus soccer ball and place
them securely in the living room. He then lugs two boxes and a piano (Chun-hyung's precious baby) down to the basement where
he spends the better part of the day creating what Yunho dubbed as a TVXQ museum. "Lets have a basement bar here, hyung" is
what Yunho hears when he gets over his shock and amusement at looking at their faces - have they really grown so much since
Hug? - and his brain isnt really processing as he nods his agreement. If Changmin cant have his hyung-deul now, at least their
basement would keep the memories and brotherhood alive. Not even SM can touch this.
***
track 11: my secret youre my favorite
Yunhos favorite JYJ song is Nine. Not because Jaejoong wrote the song - okay maybe that played a kind of big part in his liking it
but really Yunho is not shallow like that - but because he just feels at peace when he hears it. The first time he heard the song
though, he found himself crying uncontrollably and unable to properly breathe. The world stops spinning for him when Changmin
wrapped his arms around him and it was then he realized that their maknae was crying too.

Changmins favorite JYJ song is W. For him, its the perfect declaration of their love for one another and of the hope that one day,
everything will be alright and theyd find each other again. The first time he hears it, he doesnt last 2 minutes into the song before
he rushes out into the balcony, trying so hard to hold down his sobs so as not to wake his Yunho-hyung who was suffering from a
fever. He looks into the sky and seeks desperately for Cassiopeia, but he doesnt find her. Whether it was because shes simply not
around for him anymore or because of his tears, he doesnt really know.
***
track 12: living, loving, letting go and the thrill of tomorrow
Toronto is a nice place, Yunho thinks. Nice change of weather, nice change of pace all of it works for him and working with BoAsunbae for Cobu 3D makes things even more exciting. He wonders how Changmin is doing so he calls him as often as he can
during breaks, before shooting starts, before going to bed, just to ask if the maknae has eaten and if hes doing okay. Changmin
has started complaining hes like a mother hen, but Yunho laughs it off. Hes happy that him and Changmin are doing so much
better now. As he gets ready for rehearsals, he wonders how far Vancouver is, and if hes got enough strength to finally see the
three missing puzzle pieces of his heart.

Hawaii is a paradise, Changmin thinks. Its a really beautiful place, with wonderful beaches, calm weather and a certain feeling of
tranquility that hes been missing in Seoul. He misses his Yunho-hyung, so even though he complains, hes secretly glad for all the
worrying and never-ending phone calls from a man hundreds of miles away from him. He wishes him well for the dance film theyre
working on and promises to bring back Hawaii trinkets for his leader-sshi. As he roams down the beach that afternoon, he wonders
how much a plane ticket to Vancouver costs, and if hes finally ready to let go of the anger and start the slow healing process of his
heart.
***

what is your greatest wish?

to find the pieces of our hearts
JYH and SCM

2011