WildEyes

LiliMohacsi

Dustrisesaroundherasshehitsthedirtground.Shelandsskilfully,herweightstayingonthe
ballsofherbarefeetwhileshesteadiesherselfwithherhands.Herhairsplattersdropsofmud
aroundherasshewhipsherheadaround.HerwildeyesfindmeandinthemIseeunwavering
defianceinsteadofthefearIhadbeenexpectingtosee.Itseemsliketimeslowedasmygaze
mergeswithhers.Despiteherfilthyclothesandmattedhair,thegirlshines.Hergleambrightens
withhersmileandshewinksatmebeforeshefinallystraightensupandrunspastme.
Theresheis!Ihearthelawenforcersshoutfromtherooftopfromwhichshehad
jumpedonlysecondsbefore.
Armouredmenhitthegroundwithheavythudraisinglargecloudsofsands.Theyriseto
theirfeetwithoutamomentofhesitation.
Ipullmyheadscarfdowntoveilmyfaceandstepasidepolitelytoletthelawenforcers
pass.Oneofthemregardsmewithapassingglanceofthoseendlesswhiteeyes.Pureand
untaintedasthelaw,theysay.Justashonestandunprejudicedasthelawtheysay.Herunspast
mesoonenough,followingtheothersastheytrackthegirl.Ikeepmyeyesonthemandtrail
behindthemloosely,outofsite,butstillwatching.DeepdownIknowtheyllcatchher,butmy
heartstillpoundswiththebeatofhersteps.Itbeatsforherinthisinstance.Forthegirlwithwide
eyeswhichshowlifeasIveneverseenitbefore.
ShetakesasharpleftandforasplitmomentIbelieveshecanlosethem.Justthen,
enforcesfloodfromthealley,makingherbackupintothesquare.Hereyessearchthearea
aroundheronceagain,butwhenourgazesbrushoneanotherthedefianceisgone.Iseehope
drainfromhereyesandcolourleavehercheeksastheysurroundher.Iwatchthefirstmanraise
hisrodandhearherscreameruptsashebringsitdown.Ifixmyheadscarfonceagaintohidemy
faceasIturntopushthroughthegrowingcrowd.Iheartheircheersastheysurroundthegroup
inthecenter.Throughtheirpiglikesqueals,Ihearhercryfade.Ihurryawayfromthescene.I
usedtocovermyeyeswhenIwaslittle.Iwouldevencry.Now,Ionlyfeelnauseous.
Iraceuptheunevenstonestairsandpushthroughthedoor.Mycapedropstotheold
couchinthelivingroom.Eleanoreonetoldmeitdatesbacktobeforethewar,butshedoesnt
talkaboutthosetimesanymore.
Nowshesays,Itsamessoutthere.
Theykilledagirlmyage.Ireplyquietly.
Itsnotthefirsttime,Courtneystepsinwithabasket,whichjudgingbythesmells,is
filledwithfreshlybakedpastriesandbread.Anditdefinitelywontbethelast.
Court!Eleanoresnaps,turningawayfromthetinywindow.
YoucanttreatherlikethatanymoreEl.Iknowyouhateit,butthisistheworldshes
growingupinandIwouldsaythatthesoonershefindsthatoutthebetter,butshealready
knows.Wecantactlikeshedoesnt.Justbecauseourwordsourwhispereditdoesntmeanthat
shedoesntheartheirscreams.
Mymothersighs.ItsnotthatIthinkshedoesntknow,Courtney.Sure,Iwishshe
didnthavetoknow,butshedoes.Ijustdontwanttotalkaboutthisoneweretogether.
1

Myothermothersighstooandtakesaseatonthecouch,pattingtheareabesideher.We
sitoneithersideofher.AsItiltmyheadontoCourtneysshoulder,IseehertakeEleanores
hand.TheyshareabriefglanceandInoticeaflashofsorrowinmymothersgaze.
Wesitinsilenceforminutes.Itsnotawkwardoruncomfortable.Neitherofushasthe
urgetospeakorthechokingsensationinourthroatsasourmindsspindesperately.Its
comforting.Soothing,almost.
Eleanorefinallystandsupandasksifwewanttea.Afewminuteslatershereturnswith
twomugs.Shehandsonetome.Itakeitandholdtheporcelainobjectsothatthesteamrises
directlytomyface.IclosemyeyesandforasinglemomentIgivemyselfovertothewarmth.It
makesmethinkofaplaceEleanoreusedtotellmeaboutwhenIwasyoung.Whatwasitshe
calleditagain?IbelieveshesaidHeaven.Shesaiditwaswarmthereandpeaceful.Shesaid
therewerepeoplewithprettyfaceswhosmiledandhelpedpeople.Shesaidtheyreherewithus
now,butwecantseethem.Ofcourse,Idontbelievethatanymore.
Howwasyourday?IaskbeforeItakemyfirstsip.
Courtneyanswersimmediately,asexpected.Itwasalright.Butmy!Thatmaninthe
admissionsofficeiskillingme!Imeanreally,whatdoeshethinkofhimself!?Shemakesa
tsksoundtoemphasiseherannoyanceassheshakesherhead.Whataboutyou?
Ipassthequestiontomyothermotherwithasingleglance.Shesmilesupfromherred
heartshapedmug.Itwaslovely,thankyou,dear.Andyours,Katja?
Iopenmymouthtoanswer,butthecrashfromtheothersideoftheroompressesthe
wordsbackdownmythroat.Ourheadsmovetogethertoseeenforcersfloodinthroughthedoor.
Cloudsofdustsurroundthem.FromthecornersofmyeyesIseeCourtneyriseandEleanore
coverhermouth.Imerelystareintothebarrelofamachinegunwhichispointeddirectlyatme.
Ihearasoftclickandclosemyeyesinanticipation.Ialwaysknewthiswouldhappen.Every
passingdaywasanotheruncertainstepinafieldoflandmines.Wewereboundtosteponone
soonerorlater.Ihearascreamrisetotheairasthegunfireabullet.Itsoundslikethegirlfrom
thesquare,butitmightbeEleanore.Orperhapsitwasme.

WhenIwasyoungIusedtothinkhavingtwomotherswasnormal.Itwasonlyaftermyfirstday
atschoolthatEleanoresatmedownandtoldmetoholdmytongueonthematter.Ididnt
understandthen,andittookanotherthreeyearsformetocomprehendwhymymotherswere
afraid.
Itwasainfourthgradewhenournewenglishteacheraskedustodefinewords.Shetold
usitwastomakesureweknewthelaw,onlyasaformality.NowasIrememberhercruelblue
eyescontouredwithblackIunderstandthatitwasathreat.Shewantedustoknowthelawand
theconsequencesofbreakingit.Death.
Irememberalltooclearlyasshepulledherlonggreysweatertighteraroundherslim
figureandreadarandomnameofftheattendancelist.AnneSiben,couldyoudefinewhata
romanticrelationshipisfortheclass?
2

Ofcourse,Miss!Irememberhowhercurlybrownhairbouncedasshejumpedtoher
feet.Aromanticrelationshipistheemotionalassociationbetweenamanandawoman.
Thankyou,Anne.Hershrewdeyessearchedtheroom,lookingforaweaklink.When
shefoundthatnoneofusreacted,sheturnedbacktothepaperandreadanewname.Karsten
Yanto,defineloveforus.
Love,intheromanticsense,isastrongfeelingofaffectionandattractionbetweena
maleandfemale.
Hereyessettleonablondelittleboyinthebackoftheroomwhohadgottenawarning
oncebecausehesaidhewasinlovewithsomeoneofthesamegender.Shedoesntevenglance
atthenamesheetbeforeshespeaksinhercoolandcalculatedtone.Canyoutellmewhatthe
consequenceofbreakingtheregulationsregardingthesepointsare,Jeremy?
Theboyseyeswidenwithsurprise.Realisationspreadsoverhisfacelikebutterontoast
asheunderstandswhysheknowshisname.Heswallowssohardthateventhepeopleinthefirst
rowhearhimandinthehighestpitched,andmostwaveringvoiceheanswers,Death.

Ihearsomethingfalltotheground,butinsteadofthedull,heavythudIhearthehighpitched
soundofporcelainpiercetheair.MyeyesopenandIturnmyheadtoseemymother'steacup
shatteredonthefloor.Therockfloorglistenswithwarmwetnessonlyinchesfromherfeet.My
gazetravelsupherquiveringbodyandsearchesfortheanswerstomyunspokenquestions.She
doesn'tlookatme.Hereyesaregluedtothemeninwhitebeforeherasifshewereseeingthem
forthefirsttime.Thesilencelastformerelyafewseconds.
"CourtneyandEleanoreAlomravi,youareaccusedofbreakingthelawconcerning
domesticrelationships.Afelonyforwhichthepunishmentisdeath.
AshortwhimperbreaksfreefromEleanoreslipsastheenforcersapproachus.They
moveswiftlylikemountainlionsandgrabmyparents.ImvaguelyawarethatItooamushered
outthedooranddownthestairs.Thesirensscreamandthenoiseofpeopledrownsallmyother
thoughts.Theystopmetotheleftofmothers.Aheavyhandonmyshoulderkeepsmefrom
falling.Mykneesareweakandmyheartpoundsinmyhead,asifitweretryingtobreakoutofa
cage.Idontwanttolook,butIcanttearmygazeaway.Eleanoresayssomethingthroughher
tears,butherwordsdontreachme.Courtneyissilent.Sheonlyglaresatthemenwiththesame
defianceIsawinthegirlseyes.
Myheartthudswitheachnumberofthecountdown.Finallythenumbersrunoutjustas
ourtimehad.Ifeelarivuletflowalongthecurveofmycheek.Twobulletspiercetheairand
eachofthemburiesitselvesintoawomansforehead.Thelifelessbodiesofmyparentsfallto
theground.Ifeelmythroatburnwiththecry,butthesoundmixesinwiththeruckus.Thestrong
gripreleasesmeandIfalltomyknees.IshieldmyfacewithshakinghandsasIstruggleto
breathethroughthechokingtears.

Ifindmyselfsittinginasmallmetalcontainertheycallawaitingroom.Ilookupfrommyhands
withdryeyesandaburningthroatasthedoorfinallyopensandanenforcerstepsin.Ifeelas
thoughIhavescreamedsomuchthattherearenomoresoundsinmetouse.Mytracheafeels
rough,likeunchiseledstone.Frommyeyesallmytearshaveflownandnowtherearenoneleft.
Iambutanemptyglass.
MyblaseyesexaminehisbodyjustasIhaddonewitheverycreaseofmypalm.His
bootsandsuitarewhiteandnondescript,justlikealltheothers.Hisskinislightbrown,unlike
manyofthem.Hewasntbornintothis.Hehasfeltthewarmthofthesunandhiswhiteeyes
knewthegleamofasmile.Eventhoughhemaynotfeelanythingnow,hefeltsomethingonce.I
letmymindplaywiththethoughtofwhatcolourhiseyesmayhavebeen.Weretheybluelike
theskiesjustbeforenightfall?Eleanoreswere.Itrytorefocusonhiminattempttoforgetasthe
Firesparkswithinmeonceagain.Iglareathiscolorlessirisesandheseemstostareback.
Somethinginthemkeepsmygazelocked.Thegentlestrokesofdiscomfortrunalongmyspine.I
searchdeeper.ThatswhenInoticeitthethin,almosttransparentcircleofbluearoundhisblank
irises.
Followme.Hesaysinthemonotonevoicethatseemtobeprogrammedintothem,
interruptingmythoughts.
IstandandcontinuetoglareasIwalktowardshim.HeturnsjustbeforeIreachhimand
marchesoutwithoutcheckingtoseewhetherIfollowornot.Iguesshehearsthesoftthumpof
mystepsasIwalkalongthemetalcorridor.Istareathisbackaswewalk.Theflowingmuscles
beneaththestainlessmaterial,hisbroadshouldersandnarrowingwaistcaptivateme.
HestopssuddenlyandIalmostlosemybalanceinattempttostopmyselfbeforewalking
intohim.Heturnsslowlyandlooksmerightintheeyes.Yournewguardiansareoutthere.
Theywilltakeyouwiththemtothecapitol.YouwillnotspeakofEleanoreorCourtneynorthe
girlyousawafewdaysago,noranyotherexecution.Thecouncilhaselectedtoallowyouto
keepyourmemoriesontheconditionthatyouconsidertheeventsofthepastyearsforgottenand
youdonotbringthem.Itissuggestthatyouburythesememories.Goodluck,andmayyour
heartbeaspureanduntainted,andyourwordsashonestandunprejudicedasthelaw.
ThemetaldoorsslideopenandIshieldmyeyesfromthesuddenfloodofartificiallight
ashishandguidesmeout.WhenIrecovermyvisionIseethetwopeopleglaringatme
anxiously.
"AuntTrish?UncleTivadar?"Theirnamesleavemylipsblindly.
Theyfinallyseemtoloosenup.Themiddleagedwomanchargesatmewithherarms
spreadwide.HerlongfakelashesbouncesoheavilywithherstepsthatIfeartheymayfalloffat
anymoment.Shereachesmesafelyandenvelopsmeinhersoftembrace.Foramomentitfeels
likeI'minmymother'sarmsagain.
Athroatisclearedandthetwoofusbreakapart.Ismileatmyaunt,takinginhershort
purplehairandoutrageousbluelipstick.Itakeheroutstretchedhandandallowhertodragmeto
myunclewhostandsawkwardlyinfrontofarowofchairsbytheeastwalloftheroom.
4

WestopbeforehimandTrishnudgesherbrother.Weshareanawkwardhug,butI'mtoohappy
tobeincontactwithpeopletomind.IrufflehishairasIletoutarelievedlaugh.It'shardto
resistwhenhelookssoyoung.Andhishairissotussled!Inoticethattheyshareaglance,asking
oneanotherwhetherI'vegonemad.IwanttotellthemIhaven't,butIwasraisedtobehonestso
Ikeepmymouthshut.
"Yourstuff'salreadyintheship.Tivadarsaysaswefollowhimoutofthegreatwhite
construction.
Myjawdropsaswewalkaroundthecornertowheretheshipisparked.Aroundbased
metalmachinehoversoverthesideoftheroad.Blindingsunshinegleamsofftherimand
glimmersweaklyfromtheglassorbinthecenter.Tivadarrummagesinhispocketforamoment
beforehefinallypullsoutasmallblueobject.Hepressesdownonitandtheglassorbslides
open.Herunsuptoitandinthefinalmomentheplacesahanddownontheedgetopush
himselfover.Helandsinthedriversseatwithagrin.IseeTrishrollhereyesbutsherunsafter
himanyway.
Ilookaroundconsciously.Thestreetisrelativelyemptybesidesafewchildrenplaying
nearthestreamafewmetersaway.Myhandseemstomovebyitselfasitpullsthepinsoutof
myhair,lettingthechestnutwaveshurlovermyshoulders.Istandforamomentandmyeyes
close.Ifeelthesoftbreezeticklemyarmsandthesoftrushoftherivuletinthedistance.The
draftbringsthetinklinglaughterofthechildrenandtheburntscentofwinter.Myeyespopopen
andIbegintosprint.Beforeme,Iseethegirl.Shecallsouttome,encouragingmetorunwith
her.Mymusclesburnwiththesensationandmylungssting.IimagineIhavethesamewild
flameinmyeyesasher.Isthiswhatshefeltinthatmoment?Thefirethatrushesthroughthe
body,windbrushingtheexposedskinasmyarmspumpatmysides.Isthiswhatfreedomfeels
like?

IttakesthreehoursandtwocupsofcoffeetoreachtheoutskirtsofGretna.Thegrandcapitol
gleamsbeforemyeyes.Thelandbeneathushasgivenwaytoaseeminglyendlessabyssfilled
withtinyspecksofwhiteasifsomeonehadsprinkledsaltinit.Salt.IrememberCourtneytelling
meaboutthemines.Shespokeofthefatiguedlabour,thedarktunnelsandcrumblingwalls,ever
threateningtoburyworkers.Wevisitedthehundredsofnamelessgravesscatteredoverthe
designatedland.Therewasoftennobodysotheywerepackedsotightlymymothercouldbarely
fitbetweenthem.Courtneyhadalwaysbeenastoutandratherbrawnywoman.Shecouldnever
sitstill,alwaysfeltlikeshehadtodosomethingmore.Eleanoreonlysmiledandsippedhertea
andsmiledasshewatchedherrushabout.Shehadgrownupinthecapitalandpreferredtoenjoy
thepeaceandquietofthemountains.Shealwayssaidshewasraisedbybooks.Notelectronic
onesdisplayedonflashybrightscreens,buthardbackedpaperones.Onesthatcarriedthescent
ofmanycenturies.
Iwonderhowlongthesebuildingshavebeenaround,
IthinkasIpressmynoseagainst
thewindow.
Probablynotaslongasthebooks.
5

Mygazetravelsoverthedozensoffloatingconstructions.Thegiantwhitebricksshine
fromeachtinywindowontheirsurface.
Iwatchwithamazementasasimilarvehiclepullsupnexttouswhenwecometoastopatan
intersection.Thevehicleseemstovibratewiththeblastingsoundsfromwithin.Agroupofkids
aroundmyagestandinside,laughingandmovingtheirbodiestotherhythm.Oneofthemturns
withawidesmileandlooksmerightintheeyes.Heseemstolookrightthroughme,asifhe
hadn'treallyseenmeatall.
BeforeIhaveachancetounderstandwhetherhesawmeornot,Tivadarstartstheengine
andweflypastthem.
Wepassthecentraldistrict,thenheadtotheeastend.Weflybelowagreatsignthat,
accordingtoTrish,oncespelled'Sacramento'buttheyearshavetakenthingsfromallofus.The
grandmetalboardnowreads'Arcaeno'.
"It'sthesixthdistrictofGretna.Eachofthesixhasaroleandpopulationtype,even
thoughpeoplearepermittedtomovearoundandlivewheretheywantdespitetheirrank.
Districtone,Gauko,iswheretheeducationalfacilitiesarelocated.Ryshistheseconddistrict.
Itsaplaceforthelowerclassandisgenerallykeptcleanandtidy,buttherearepartsofitthat
youshouldsteerclearof.Districtthree,Emyte,iswherethewealthylive.InTsanyk,thefourth
district,youllfindalltheshops,markets,fairs,andentertainment.Nolx,districtfive,isthebank
district.Itisalsoageneralpoliticalandbusinesscenter.Shecarriesontalking,explainingthe
historyofeachsectionandtheirgoodandbadsides.
Tivadarstopstheshipinfrontofasmallersphericaledifice.Trishhandsmeasmall
blackmasktocovermymouthandnosewith.Sheexplainsthatitwillhelpmebreatheoutside
andmakesitclearthatImustwearitatalltimeswhengoingoutside.Weclimboutofthe
vehicletogether.Trishgetsoutfirstandsetsherglovedhanddownonthemetallicrimofthe
shipandreachesherotherouttome.Itakeitgentleandfollowherout.Assoonasmybodyis
outIbegintofeelmyinsidestingleasIstarttofloatawayfromtheship.
Tivadarstaysbacktogetmyluggageandmyauntguidesmetothedoor.
Aftershepecksinthepasscodewithherlongpurplenailedfingersthedoorsopenandwe
enter.

Largefloatingstepsleaduptothenextfloor.Isteponthefirstone,andmyarmsstretchout
reflexivelyasmybodywavers.Astrongarmgrabsmine.IturnaroundtoseeTivadarholding
mesteady.Heregardsmyworriedgazewithaneasysmile."I'llwalkwithyou,ifyouwantme
to."
Inodandgrabontohisoutstretchedarm.Withmyluggageintheleft,andmeonhis
right,webeginourjourneyupthesteps.Atmyside,Tivadarmovesalongwithsuchease,thatI
almostbelievethatit'ssimple,butmynext,slightlylesshesitantstepmakesmeregretallsuch
thoughts.Myfootslidesoffthethinmarbleplatformandmybodyweightcrashesforwardlike
anavalancheofrocks.Thescreamripsthroughmythroat,breakingfreeliketherumbleofthe
6

crashandinthesamemomentmyarmispulledbackpainfully.Myclosedeyesareblind,butI
hearacrash.Didwefall?AmItoonumbwithpain?
Iopenmyeyescarefully.Thefloorbelowmemakesmyheadspinandtheacheinmy
armburn.Itsnottheexoticflameofmymovingmusclesflickingatmyflesh,butasharpbiteof
paininmyshoulder.
AnotherhandgrabsmeandImhauledbackup.Tivadarfrowns.ShallIjustcarryyou
up?
Ifeelbloodstingmycheeksandyetanewfirelightsupwithinme.Ibegintomumble
awayinmyembarrassment.Imreallysorry.Sorrytobesuchaninconvenience.Ididntmean
to
Hey!Heputsahandonmyshoulderandbendshiskneesslightlysothathiseyesre
leveledwithmine.Dontworry,Katja.Iunderstandthatitsdifficultforyounow.Afterall
thatshappened...Holdontome.
Iwanttoobjectbutheturnsandbendsdown,reachinghisarmsouttome,beckoningme
toclimbon.
Itakeadeepbreath.MyhandsfindtheirplacesonhisbackandIjumpsothatmylegs
wraparoundhiswaist.Hisarmsembracethemashehoistshimselfup.Hebeginstoclimb,
takinghistimewithhissteps.AtfirstmythroattightensandIachetoreturntothecarvedsolid
stonestepsofmyhome.Butthatplaceisnolongermyhome.
IfeellikeachildasIpressmycheekdownagainsthismuscularback.Myeyesclose.Ibeginto
feelthefabricofhisshirtmoisten.
"Areyouokaybackthere?"Hisvoicereflectshisconcern.
AtfirstallImanageisanod.IfIopenmymouthnowI'llscreamforsure.Isee
somethingonthegroundfromthecornerofmyeyes.Ipeekaroundhisbroadshouldertotakea
closerlook.InsteadofthewoodenboardsthathadbeenlinedupneatlybelowusmomentsagoI
nowseeapileofcorpses.Myparents'bodieshadbeenchuckedontheverytop.Theyglareat
menowwiththoseglossyeyes.Eachofthehasalargedarkcircleinthecentreofherforehead
wherethebulletentered.Eleanoresitsupslowly,likeanoldfashioneddollwhichhadbeen
pulledupbystrings.Shemovesmechanically.Hereyesfinallyseemstofocusonme.The
darknesswithinthemdevoursme.
"Katja!"IhearthescreamsosoftlythatI'mnotsureifit'sreallythereorjustanimageof
mywornoutmind.
Iwanttoreply,butwhatwouldIsayanyway?Perhapsitwouldbebettertojustjoin
them.Downthere...

I'mfalling!Sinkingslowlyintothesoftness.Myhandsreacharoundblindly,butallIfeelarethe
ruffledsheetsonthebedaroundme.Ineedtofindsomething!Grabontosomething.Ireach
further.Abed?Coulditbeabed?OramI...?
7

ItrytoopenmyeyestoseewhetherIreallydiddieornot,butsomethinggluesthem
together.Ireachuptotouchmyface.Itouchmyeyestofeelsomethingsolidholdmyeyelashes
captive.Ibegintorubitbetweenmyfingersanditgraduallycrumblesaway.
Ifinallymanagetoopenmyeyes.Aroundmetheroomisdimlylitandoneofthewallsis
coveredbyalargemetallicwindowblind.Iglanceovertothecornertoseeasmallpileofneatly
stackedsuitcases.Ipulltheblanketoffsubconsciouslyandslidemylegsoverthesideofthebed.
Iglancedownatthem.Trishmusthavechangedmyclothesbecausenowapairofcolourfully
patternedshortscovermythighsandalongpaleyellowshirtbrushesmyarms.Istandupwith
unsteadilyshakingknees.Isteadymyselfagainstthewall.Itakeadeepbreath.WhatamI
doing?Anotherdeepbreathofcoolaircalmsmyinsides.
Istepawayfromthewall.Istraightenupandtakeanotherstep.Onestepatatime.Just
likeEleanorehadalwaystoldme.There'snorush.Courtney'slaughringsinmyears.Onestepat
atime.InmymindIlaughwithher.Ilistenintentlyasthelastnotehangsintheair.Onestepat
atime.Sheembracesme.Ireturnthehug."Iloveyou.Farewell,mother."Abreezebrushesher
awayasifshewerejustavisionmadeofdustandshadows.Onestepatatime.Eleanore
approachesmeslowly.Sheholdsabookinonehandandreachesouttheothertomewitha
gentlesmile.ItakeitandletherguidemeasItakethenextfewsteps.Shecomestoastop.
"I'msorryyouhadtoseethat,Katja."
"Don'tbe."Ishakemyhead.Somethingwithinmeclicks."NowIknow."
Eleanore'seyeswidenwithworry."Katja..."
Shecontinuestospeak,butIcannolongerhearher."Adieu,mother."
Myeyesopenlikewindowsthathadbeenveiledbycurtains.Ibenddowntotheround,hard
coversuitcasesandunbuckledthestraps.Iopenitupslowly,breathinginthelingeringscentof
themountains.Itsmellsofsalt,mixedtheburningodourofwinterandatingeofdespair.
Iliftoutthefirstpieceoffabricwhichcomesincontactwithmyfingers.Ipull,upandup
andfurtherup.Itseemstoneverend.Ifoundmyselfalmostatmyfeet,stillpulling,whenit
finallyappearsfullybeforemyeyes.Thepalebluedressseemstoglowinthedimlight.Irunmy
fingersoverthelacetop.Theminiaturebumpsmakesmethinkofthedustydirtroadwetook.
ItsasifIcouldstillhearhisvoiceinthedistance,singingthatawfulsongofloversend.

AnightasdarkasDevil'seyes,
Herlipstouchedmine,asweetgoodbye,
Myhandstillreachedassheletmego,
Thewindbroughtherbackinpuffsofsmoke.

Mylungsstillfullofourheartylaughter,
Asshedancedacrossthecobblestage.
Daylightshadjustbeguntofade
Andwindowsclappedasthewindpraised.
8


Itsinthatmoment,
Herlaughwhettoascream.

Ishouldhaveneverletherslipoutofmy
GentleembracewhenIheldher
AgainstmybeatingchestandtoldherIloveher.
Aheartandbodyshatternow,
Overthepurroftheengine,
Iheardusbreaklikeporcelain.

Iheardusbreaklikeporcelain,
Oh,Iheardusbreaklikeporcelain.

Shescreamedbeforetheheadlights,
Likeavillainsenttothescaffold
Tomeethermorbidfate,
Herdatewithdeathhascometoosoon.

Itlefttheangelinmyheartengraved,
Whichcracksbydaylikeporcelain.
Theskiesdarkenshadebyshade
AsIcryformydear

EleanoreDrave.Iwhisperthenameintothedarkness.Icantrememberthenameheoriginally
used,itwasadifferentoneeachtime.Forallthelost.Andallthedamned.
AmIoneofthem?

Thedressbrushesmyanklesgentlyasoutstepoutontothehallway.Ifollowthepathoflightto
thestairsandamjustabouttotakemyfirstcautiousstep.Thesoundofadozenvoicessuddenly
hitsmyear.Isinkdown,foldingmyskirtbeneathmyselfandstrainmyears.
Imtellingyouitsnogood,Viktor!
Whatdoyoumean,man?!ItsthebestplanIvehadinweeks!
YourlastgreatplanwastoblowuptheHouseofCounsel.
Yeahandthisbetterthanthat!
Ohmygod.Amonotonefemalevoiceaddsin.Youreallyneedtocalmdown,Vik.
Okay,okay,justlistenforasecond,Amra.Hetakesabriefpausefordramaticeffect.
WecouldblastthestatueofBartosSparlingintheGreatSquare!
Why?theotherguysasks.
9

Howdoyouevencomeupwiththesestuff?Amraobviouslydoesntwantananswer
whensheasksherquestion.
Severalpeoplebegintolaughbelowme.Sideconversationserupt,butIonlycatchafew
wordsfromhereandthere.
No,justlisten!Viktorshoutsabovethefloodofwhispers.Allwedneedisabomb
andwecouldmakehistory!Wecould
change
history!ThinkofwhatBartosstandsfortheNew
Settlement.Withallitsbloodynewlawsandsugarcoatedbu
Thatsquiteenough,brother.Adeepmalevoicesilenceshimliketheroarofthebullet
whenitssentofftomeetthetarget.Hestepsoutoftheroomjustacrossfromthebottomofthe
stairsandglaresaheadofhimwhereIsupposeViktorisstanding.Youllonlyscareourlistener
ifyoucontinuewithyourmadness.
Ishrinkbackintotheshadows,afraidthatIhadbeennoticedbythesestrangepeople.But
how?!Hedidntevenlookupwhenhewalkedout.Hemusthavebeentalkingabouttheothers
withthemdownstairs.Hewasnttalkingaboutme.Imonlyoverthinking.
Ileanslightlyclosertotheledge,onlytopeekover.Hisgreyeyesmeetminecoldly.
Caretojoinus?
Impulledbackbysurprise.Whoarethey?!
Iswallowhardandstandup.Theyseemrathercalmaboutbeinghere.Theywouldntbe
iftheyhadntbeeninvitedin.ImsuretheyreTivadarandTrishsfriends.
AfteradeepbreathIbeginmyjourneydownthestepswhichstillseemtohavemindsof
theirown.IfeeltheirglaresburnintomyandIfindmyowngazefindingmybodytocheckifI
lookalright.Myhandrisestomyhairwhichtumblesdownindisorganisedcurls.Myeyesmeet
hisonceagainandmanagetogetdowninonepiecewhileholdingthem.
Sowhomightyoube?Heasks.
Icouldaskthesamefromyou.Isnapwithaninstinctivetwitchofthelefteyebrow.
Hetriestosuppressasmile,butgivesinalittle.Florian.
Katja.
Ohyoureawakealreadydear!Trichrushesuptomefromanotherroomofthis
concretemaze.SheputsherhandbehindmeandbeginstoguidemeawayfromFlorianandthe
rest.Wouldyoulikesomethingtoeat?Ortodrinkperhaps?Whydontweheadtothekitchen
andtryouthowthenewlambrecipeworkedout?
Um,sure.NotasifIcouldreallyresistherfirmpushonmyback.

ThemapleadsmedownthecrowdedstreetanditisonlywhenIhavecrossedtheroadthatI
noticethegreatsignaboveme.TheboldlettersofEmyteglimmeringoldbesidethetwo
toweringconstructionswhichintervenewithvinelikepassages.
PrattyartheTwinRoses,arntey,dearie?Awomanwithskinaspaleaswinter
breathsandhairlikecommondandelionsstepsupnexttome.Sheholdsoutabouquetofsmall
10

blueflowersinhershakinghandsasherpaleeyesgazedownatme.Prattyflowrsforthepratty
girl?
Ah,nothankyou!IsaywithasmileasIwavemyhandsfromsidetosidebeforemein
dismissal.
DoesshethinkIwasbornyesterday?
Itsagift,dearie!Haveemfreee!ShethruststhemforwardwithawidesmileandI
noticeherrottingteeth.
MyeyesflickeroverherraggedattireandhermattedhairandfinallyIdigintomy
pockets.MymusclesclenchsuddenlyandIfreezeattheshrillsound.Thescreechofthewhistle
scrapesmyeardrumslikechalkonablackboard.
Myfrozenbodyglaresaheadwithunseeingeyes.Whenmysoulfinallytiptoesbackinto
mybodyIseethewomanontheground.AnEnforcertacklesherandpinsherdownwhile
anotherreachesoutwithasmallmetaldevice.Iseesparksflashlikeminiaturelightningandthe
womansbodyspasms.
Ilookaroundquickly,surprisedbytheuttersilenceonthestreet.Noonestops.Peoplein
fancysuitsanddresswalkbyus,mostwithglimmeringheadpiecesthroughwhichtheytalkto
someoneacouplehundredlightyearsaway.Theymerelywalkaround,leavingspaceforthe
MeninWhite.Theypullherupandtwoofthemsettleinbeneathherarmssothattheycancarry
herlimpbodyaway.Iwatchwithdeadseeneyestheydisappearintotheforestofbodies.All
thatisleftasevidenceofherexistenceisthetemporarytracewhichherdirtyfeetmadeonthe
marblestreetwhenshewasdragged.Eventhatissooncoveredupasthestampedeclosesin
aroundmeoncemore.Noonestopped.Noonesaw.Noone.

Imakeittothesetdestinationafewminutespastnoon.Itsasmallchapel,withalarge
triangularwindowmadeupoftinycolourfulfragmentsofglass.Thesandcolouredbricksseem
tosuckupthelightofthestarsaround.Itglowsdimlylikealonelampinadarkroomofthecity.
ThedooropensupjustasIreachoutforthehandle.Viktorgreetsmewithaweaksmile.
Ireturnthegestureandfollowhiminside.Asmallgroupofsilentshadowlikefigures
awaituswithin.TivadarturnstomeandonceagainImregardedbyafeeblesmile.Ishedmy
coattorevealthebrandnewblackdressbeneath.ItuggentlyonthelacesleevesasIwalkover
tojoinmyfamilyandfriends.
Alargewomantakesherstandontheelevatedplatform.Shebeginsherspeech,
mentioningthesweetestmemoriesmymotherssharedwiththosepresent.IlookedtoTrishasthe
womansmonologuefadedtosilence.Hereyesflowedwithtears,butsheonlyglaredaheadin
silence.MygazefindsTivadarwhonowstandsinthecorner.ThestrongyoungmanIhadcome
toknowstrugglestokeepastraightface.HelooksdownatthefloorandinthedimlightI
believeIseeaglintonhischeek.Apalehandreachesoutbehindhim.Gentlefingersmeetthe
darkfabriconmyunclesshoulderandittakesmeamomenttounderstandthatitisinfactthe
eversilentandreservedFlorian.Hiseyeslooksopalenow.Isitthelight?Orperhapsthetears?
11

Thewomanonstagebeginstosing.Herdeepvoiceresonatesthroughthestoneinterior
ofthechapel.IclosemyeyesandwhenIopenthemagainitisasifIwerehearinganangelat
thegateofHeaven.PerhapsthisfinalgoodbyewasnotasbadofanideaasIthought.
Theceremonyendswithabriefintervalofsilence.Allisstillinthismoment.Wearebut
statuescarvedbytheantediluviansculptorswhocraftedeachstonewithmeticulousprecision.
Thestillnesscomestoitsendandwebegintotalksoftlyamongstourselves.Friends
embraceoneanotherandmuttertheircondolences.Blackmeetsblackintheprocessandwe
seemtobecomeone.
IaskedTrishaboutitearlier,whenshetoldmewhatkindofdresstobuyandexplained
theprocessofgettinghere.Ihadtocomealone.IftheEnforcershadseenuscomebyshipthey
wouldhavebeensuspicious.Weweartheblackforoldcustom,justastheywouldhavewanted.
Normally,relativesworewhitesothatdeathwouldcomeasanewbeginning,unstainedbythe
painofthepast.TomeitnowseemslikeafittingcolourfortherobeofDeath.
SomeonedrawsmeintoasoftembraceandIrealizeitsTrishtoweringoverme.Her
tearstrickledowntomyhair.Iplacemyhandsonhercoldbackandrubthemgentlyincircular
motions.Itsokay.
Shefinallyletsgoanddrieshertearswithanembroideredhandkerchief.Whenshes
readywithwalkoutofthechapelarminarm.Westopatthegateandwaitastheotherstrickle
out.TrishbeginstochatteralongwiththeothersasIwaitedinsilence.Thelasttoexitare
TivadarandFlorianwhofixeshiseleganttieconsciously.
Wepartafterthatandheadoffinourseparateways,eachtoouragreedpoint.Ifoundthe
tinygrocerystorejustwhereTrishhaddescribedittobe.Theendofanarrowonewaystreet.I
duckinside,pickoutafewoddlookingfruitsandgivethecashieranote.Itellhertokeepthe
changeandhurryout.

Iarrivehomejustbeforeitgetsdark.Trishgreetsmewithawarmhug.
Youshouldgetsomesleep.Itsgoingtobearoughweek.
Inodanddoastold.Thebedfeelsmorewelcomingthaneverbeforeanditdoesnottake
longbeforeIdrifttosleep.

AfteralongdiscussionandcountlesstiredmoanswefinallyagreetoViktorsplan.Thenthe
preparationbegins.Cansofpremadecoffeeandenergydrinksaretossedacrosstheroomas
peoplecarryouttheirtasks.Onegroup,ledbyIldikoBalvriowhowasawellknownfugitive
whoblastedherwayintohistorybydesigningthemostadvancedhandmadebombknownto
mankind.Orcourse,sheneverplannedtouseitButnonethelessshewasmorethanhappyto
getachancetotryitout.Wewereallgladtoknowthattheexplosionwouldnotactuallythreaten
peopleslives.Itsasafe,sophisticatedplan.
12

Justimaginepeoplesfaceasthestatueofoursaviourgoes
kaboom
!Viktorexclaims
zealously.Hejumpsaround,makingwidearmgestures.
Ildikoglancesupathimthreateningly,expressingherdiscontent.Ifyouhavesomuch
energyyoumightaswellhelpout.

Aftertwosleeplessdaysandenoughcoffeecansandtakeoutboxestofillthreelargetrashbags
thebombisfinallyfinished.Thegroupgathersaroundtoadmirethefruitofourtediouswork.
"Isn'titstunning?"Ildikogazesathercreationwithsuchunquestionablelovethatthe
objectbeforehercouldeasilyhavebeenhernewbornbaby.
"Thequestionisratherwhenwe'regonnablastgoodol'Barty?"
"Shutup,Viktor."Severalpeoplegroaninunison.
"No,he'sright.Weneedtofindtherightdatetocarryouttheplan."
"Hasanyoneconsideredthat,"Amrastrollsinwithanappleinonehandandthecalendar
fromthekitchenintheother.Shepointsatoneofthesmallsquares."ThedayoftheNew
Settlementisoneweekfromtoday."
"Thatwouldgiveusenoughtimetoprepare."
"Andit'sgreatforeffect!"Viktorsingshappily.
"Butwon'ttherebeevenmoreEnforcerscrawlingaroundifwedoitonthemostbusy
dayoftheyear?"
"It'strue.We'llhavetopreparefortheworst."
"Ithinkwe'veprovedoverandoverthatwearecommittedtothiscause.Enoughtogive
ourlives."
Theothersnodinagreementandthusthedecisionismade.

Thedaywepreparedforfinallyarrives.Asagreed,threevaliantpeopletakethebomboutand
setitupbeforedayhoursbegin.Inthemeantime,Florian,Tivadar,Viktor,andIkeepwatch
fromthetopofanearbybuilding.Ifanythingmoves,wetellthemtoflee.Thatistheagreement.
Iwatchbreathlesslyastheytakethedisassembleddeviceoutofthesportsbagandnestle
apartofitintoeachlargercavityontheman'scopperbody.
"Check."Ihearwhisperedfromallaroundme,signallingthatthearea'sclear.
Iglancearoundonmysidequickly.I'mjustabouttoopenmymouthtosayittoo,whenI
noticeamovementintheshadows."Guys.There'ssomethingmovingtotheleftofyou."
Theirheadssnaptothesideimmediately.Icanhearthatthey'vebeguntomutteramongst
themselves.
"Areyousureit'snotjustacat?"Someoneasks.
Istrainmyeyes."No.It'saperson."
"ApersonoranEnforcer?"

13

Mybreathcatchesassomeonecrouchesdownbesideme.IglanceatFlorianwhofollows
myextendedindexfingerandglaresintotheshadows."Idon'tthinkit'sanEnforcer.Butifwe
couldgetsomeonetogoaroundandfindout,thatmightbebetter.Anddefinitelysafer."
"Wecouldjustshoottheperson.Thatwouldbethesafest."Iodinesays,herfinger
alreadystrokingthegripofhergun.
Thefigurestepsoutoftheshadows.Herglintingeyesportraythesamedefianceasthey
hadwhenIfirstsawherinthealley.InthedimglowofthestarsIcanseethedarkersplotchesof
herfaceswhichmarkthebruises.
"Wait!"Myvoiceeruptsalittletooloud.
"Huh?"
"Wait."Istandupandruntothestairs,ignoringtheirshouts.MylegsburnandInearly
tripasItrytotakethestairstwoatatime.Ifinallyarriveatthebottomachingforair.ButI
knowIcan'tstop.She'shere.Thegirlwhoshowedmestrength.Thegirlwhowenttohelland
back.
Irunalongthesideofthebuildingstowhereshestands,stillhalfhidden.Islowdownas
Ireachthecornerofthebuilding.Sheseemstoturntome,butit'shardtotellindimlight.I
continuetoher,mystepsareslowandlightnow.ShouldIbescared?I'mnot,buttheothersstill
calltome.Ionlyrealisenowthatthey'vebeenshoutingallthistime.Andthenthey'resilent.
Why?
"Hello?"Icalltothegirl.
"Hello,Katja."Shereplies.
Sheknowsmyname.Why?How?Mymindisblank.Ithoughtyouweredead.
PerhapsIam.Shesayswithagentlesmile.
What?Ibegintoheartheirvoicesthroughmyearpieceonceagain.
Theresnothingthere,Katja.Tivadarsaysgently.
Hasshegone...Youknowcrazy?Vikwhispers.
Shutup,Viktor.Theysayinunison.
HaveI?Iwhispersoftly.
Thegirlmerelysmiles.Herfacebegantotwistlikeagrotesquemonster.Whenitfinally
settledIfeltasthoughIwerelookingintoamirror.Butwasn'tme.Itcouldn'tbe.Sure,we
lookedthesamebutthegirlbeforemedrewhershouldersup,herheadwaslow,hereyeswide
withfear.
"Notme."Iwhisper,I'mnotsuretowho.Perhapsit'stomyself,maybetoher."You're
notme."
She'snot.She'sweakandhelpless,alostchild.Isuckinadeepbreath."Isthiswhatyou
wantedtoshowme?"
Thegirlbeforemesmilesonceagainbeforefadingtoblack.
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,Icanfeelstrengthpumpingthroughmyveins.Itrushesto
myheart,flowstomymind,coversmyinsides.
14

Iamstrong.

Thecelebrationbeginsatelevenhours.Dozensofpeopleoozeintotheopenarearightwhenthe
armhitsthemark.
Wewatchchildrenplaywithnewestdesignrobots,andmotherschatteringawaywhile
examiningthevariouscolourfuldressesandhats.Themenallheadinsidetodrinkanddiscuss
politicalmatters.
ItakeanotherbiteofmybagelasIcontinuetowatchthem.IfeelasthoughIwere
watchingacircusperformance,althoughitwoulddefinitelybemoreenjoyableiftherewas
sound.
"Okayguy,wehaveanotherhalfanhourbeforetheCounselor'sspeech.Sothetotalofan
hourandthirtyminutesuntilthebigevent.Theriotwillstarttenminutesafterthatsowewillbe
headingdowntotheHouseofCounselinanhour."Trishsaysbeforesittingdownnexttomeon
theconcreterooftop.
Wesitsidebysideinsilence.Atfirst,Itrytothinkofsomethingtosaybutsoonenough
Irealisethatnowordsareneeded.Thestillnessiscomforting,likemother'sagentleembrace.

Theclockstrikestwelveatlastandwebegintogatherourbelongings.Ipullthecornersofmy
brightgreendressupandhurrydownthestairs.
"Howaretheguysgoingtogetthroughwithoutgettingnoticed?"Iaskmyauntaswe
climb.
"Waitandsee."Herrepliescomewithamysterioussmileandstifledgiggle.
Wefinallygettothebottomofthestairswherethreeoddlookingwomenawaitus.
"Thereyouare,littlebrother!"Trishsingsassherunsuptohugthelongpinkdressed
person.Dontyoulookabsolutelystunning!
Tivadarmerelygroans.
NexttomeAmrasnickers.Ohmy!LookatViktoria!
IglanceatViktor,wearingaruffledfuschiadresswithmatchinglipstickandlightpink
eyeshadow.Someonedecoratedhisfacewithlong,featheredfakelashesanddrewgoldpatterns
onhisleftcheek.Heplacesahandonhishipandflicksthehairofhislongpinkwigback.He
looksherstraightintheeye.Ilookfabulous,honey.
Everyonebreaksoutinlaughterandseveralpeoplewhistleandtellhimhedoes.Theonly
onesilentistheoneinapalevioletgownwhichoutlineshisslenderfigure.
Florian?IaskwhiletheotherschatterawayaboutViktorslipstick.
Heblushesandhisshadowyeyeswiden.PleasedontDontcomment.
Ithinkyoulooknice.Tivadarsayssoftly,steppingin.
Floriansfaceturnedtoanevendeepershadeofred.Canwejustgo?
IwalkoutnexttoAmraandViktorwhospendtheirtimechatteringabouttheweatherin
poshhighpitchedaccents.Westoptomeettherestofthegroupwhenwereachtheedgeofthe
15

street.Justacrossfromusisthemassivemarbleconstructioninwhichthegovernmentsits.We
hearthebombgooffthreeblocksaway.Andtheriotbegins.

Webegintomarch,ourbannersflappinginthebreezeasourchantsriseintotheair.Enforcers
formagreatwhitewallinfrontofthebuildingbeforeus.Theybegintoshoot.Eachbulletexists
withabangasloudasthunder.Peopledroparoundme.Wekeepwalkingon.
Anotherfourdown.IhearTrishcallout."Keepgoing!"
Wedo.Isthereapoint?We'reallgoingtodie.Atleastwe'llberemembered.Perhaps
ourdeathswillnotbeinvain.
Twomore.Andthenanotherfive.Idon'tdaretolook.AmIwalkingalone?Ibeginto
chargeforward,screamingatthetopofmylungs.Itwon'tbelongnow.AfewmorestepsandI'll
definitely

TheEnforcersfinallylowertheirgunsasthelastfallstotheground.Theywalkamongstthe
pilesofbodies.
Oneofthemstopsbeforetwoyoungmenlyingnexttooneanother.Heglaresattheir
interlockedhandsandseparatesthemwithakick."Disgusting."

CharlesNustaptakesoutthehologramofthedailynewsarticle."Whatastory!"
Hiswiferaisesaneyebrow."Oh,theoneaboutthatcrazybunch?"
"That'stheone!Whatkindofmadpeoplewoulddosuchathing!Andtoblowupthe
mostfamousstatueofournation!"
"They'reamessedupbunch,theyare.Iheardtheyhadsomelesbianrelativeswhowere
gottenridofafewweeksago."Shewhisperedthewordsasiftheywerecursed.
"Ohyes,itmustbetheparenting,that'swhatIalwayssay.Badparentingleadstoill
kids."
"Thatitdoes,thatitdoes."
Beforeclosingthehologramcontainingadaringuprisingwhichwassoontobeforgotten
byhumanityentirely,Charlesturnedbacktothefloatingimageoftheinsanelookingyounggirl
whoscreamedlikeananimalbeforehim.Hefeltasthoughsomewhereinthosewildeyeshe
couldseeastrangeuntameablestrength.Inthatmomentitoccurredtohimshehadfound
purpose.

16