Text from

my initial
WP
submissio
n:
(a phrase,
sentence,
paragraph,
idea, move,
punctuation
, piece of
evidence,
etc.)

An observation or
question I
received from De
Piero or a
classmate:

The
change(s) I
made to
what I
initially
wrote: (ie,
the
change[s] I
made to
column 1)

How this
change impacts
my paper:

Recipes are sets

of instructions
that are typically
used to create a
specific dish.
They provide
ingredients and
their
measurements
and guide you
step-by-step in
order to make
things easier.
The authors
specifically
provide these
recipes so that
the public can
have access to
them.

HmmIm not quite

sure what youre
arguing here.
Remember: your
reader is most likely
going to be
expecting a thesis
statement at the end
of your Intro (or
occasionally 2nd
paragraph) that
clearly detail what
point/argument/sta
nce theyre taking
and what evidence
theyre basing that
on. Right now, I
dont know where
youre taking me.

althoughthe

This change (the

addition of an actual,
evident thesis) impacts
my paper by giving the
reader an idea of what to
expect of the essay.

the authors of all

three different
brownie recipes
that have been
reviewed insist
that everyone
must make their
brownies,
whether they are
chocolate chip
cookie, betterthan-crack, or
rocky road
smores

What authors? What

recipes? Hook me up with
the specifics. Tell me
what youre basing all of
this on!

Whether it is
Sarahs chocolate
chip cookie,
Jessicas better
than crack, or
Tiffanys rocky
road smores,
recipes are not
typically geared
toward a narrow
audience,
especially since
there are so many
different
variations of
what they could

I introduced the authors

and their recipes, so that
readers know who Im
referring to later in the
paper. This addition also
gives my paper a bit
more flow/coherency.

entriesfallinto
thegenre,share
similar
conventions,and
rhetorical
features,each
onehasaunique
elementthat
distinguishesit
fromallother
brownierecipes.

be.

But the
conventions of
dessert recipes
dont simply
stop there. Most
recipes also
include photos
depicting the
ingredients,
preparation and
end product.

1, Find a way to
bump this up into the
topic sentencethe
topic sentence
provides the idea
anchor for what the
paragraph is about.
2, Its tough to give
textual evidence
for photos, but you
can sneak around
this by describing
them.
3, Is it that plain and
simple? They all
have pictures, and
the pictures are all
the same? In what
way(s)?

Along with
claims that
sounded alike,
the authors also
cracked jokes
about how their
brownies will
change your
waistline or
some sort of
other humorous
statement about
gaining weight
from eating too
many sweets

You mentioned jokes

in a previous
paragraph, so why is
this coming up
again? Wouldnt it
be more effective
there? Or to scrap
the initial one and
include that here?
Make sure that you
correctly/clearly file
all of your ideas in
the appropriate
folders (ie,
paragraphs).

Most recipes also

include photos
depicting the
ingredients,
preparation and
end product. The
conventions of
dessert recipes
dont simply stop
at mentioning
ingredients and
process. Pictures
provide further
help in creating
the described
food: action shots
capturing

By placing this sentence

in the beginning of the
paragraph, adding new
descriptions/information
, and just revising the
entire paragraph in
general, I was able to
successfully describe an
important feature or
recipes.

Along with
claims that
sounded alike,
the authors also
lightheartedly
warned their
readers about
how their
brownies will
change your
waistline or
some sort of
other humorous
statement about
gaining weight
from eating too
many sweets.

Although I only changed

the phrasing slightly, I
moved the entire
paragraph this sentence
is part of over to appear
earlier in the essay. As a
result, my writing makes
more sense and
everything I correctly
filed.

Recipes are
usually not
written in a
formal format of
follow a strict
syntax. They are
typically written
using casual
language that
doesnt include
and exclusive
jargon

Youve got to make sure

you back these claims (ie,
no strict syntax). Ill
look for that in the ensuing
paragraphs.

They are
typically
composed using
casual language
that doesnt
include and
exclusive jargon,
which as
described in
Murder!
Rhetorically
Speaking as the
terminology used
by those in a
particular
profession or
group (Boyd,
89). This is
especially
evident in the
smores recipe
whentheauthor
usedperiodsin
unconventional
placesthatwere
notindicativeof
asentence
ending,but
insteadto
emphasizehow
goodsomething
was.

By giving an example of
the feature that I
mentioned and providing
an example, my claims
have stronger proof.