’ iS IN THIS ISSUE... “ODD SQUAD”WRITER: SERGIO ARAGONESNUMBER 127 “The trouble with most neighborhoods is that there are too many hhoads in them, and not enough neighbors!"—Alfred E, Neuman WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher JOHN PUTNAM aot director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors JACK ALBERT lavenuls GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, JOAN ZECCA, ‘CURTIS ANDERSON subscriptions ‘CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usa gang of ions DEPARTMENTS PITCH IN TIME MAY SAVE NINE DEPARTMENT The MAD Plan For Combatting The Boredom Of Baseball BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of The Generation Gap DISPLAY AS YOU GO DEPARTMENT Signs OF Status DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT The Hunters In A Fancy Restaurant ELECTORATE CIRCUS DEPARTMENT If The President Were Chosen Like “Mies America” GOD SAVE McQUEEN DEPARTMENT. ““Bullbit” (A MAD Movie Satire) HERR OF THE DOG DEPARTMENT Further Adventures Of The Red Baron JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Sampling Of Reader Mail MANIKIN-DEPRESSIVE DEPARTMENT 'AMAD Look At Realistic Dolls MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Out Dramas by Aragones ‘SPOOKING FROM PICTURES DEPARTMENT Horrifying Cliches aaa ‘TAXATION WITHOUT MISREPRESENTATION DEPARTMENT ‘Specific Tax Forms For Specific Professions . ‘TEENY-COPPERS DEPARTMENT "Odd Squad” (A MAD TV Satire) **Various Places Around The Magazine “ey ett en no JUNE 1969 ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor ar 32 40 18 ent VITAL FEATURES SOME SIGNS OF ‘STATUS Pg.4 a FURTHER, ADVENTURES: OF THE RED BARON “opD SQUAD” (AMADTV SATIRE) Pg. 11 PRESIDENT WERE ‘CHOSEN LIKE “MISS AMERICA” Pg. 23 THE LIGHTER SIDE OF THE GENERATION GAP. Pg. 32 “BULLBIT” (AMAD Movie SATIRE) Pg. 43WHY NOT HAVE THE NEXT ISSUE SENT DIRECTLY TO YOUR HOME? 485 MADison Avenue, New York, N.¥. 10022 | enclose $5.00". Enter my name on your subscription list, and mail me the next 17 issues of MAD Magazine, NAME. ADDRESS. cry. STATE z1p-cope _—_ tdeter da ona MOE Puan Be ateategs tees ‘Stem on = U's" Bamk “Alon 10 wens or user ese Drvneus We comet be repens er cae at oS Mt the mols sc EREEN OF MoMeY ONDER PTERD! ONLY THREE LEFT Eat Gell Steg Ge Ae Sar But weve Sil Bot mies ef thes no's hate: Woney ha el hsp ‘vt a ffrewertoace™ ml he tpace yey > GLEE Sate LETTERS DEPT. Tiny Tis WALLET “Tiny Tim's Walle” was totally unfai, How could you ridicule such a sweet honest, beautiful person? You should blowing a few kisses yourself, but I 3 ‘ously doube if you know how. ‘Carol Evans Beaconsfield, Canada 1 would like to thank you for "Tiny Tim's Wallet” in your March issue (#125). Although ie was written in fun, ie did point up his life's philosophy of love toward other people. Tiny Tim is ‘uly a beautiful person, and even your article could got deny that Steve Johnston Wateiford, Conn, How come, in all of your "Celebrities" Walless,” we never find any money? Greg Kusnick Peekskill, NY. YOU KNOW YOU'VE REALLY MADE IT ‘You know you've really made it when you can sell over 2 million copies of a ‘magazine with nothing but trash on the ins! ee Comper Waskep ‘THE MAD ICE HOCKEY PRIMER Ie seems a shame that a magazine of such high calibre as MAD should pablish something as bad as "The lee Hockey Primer.” Ie is obvious that neither Mr. Siegel nor Mr. Davis is at all familiar with che spore which is sapidly gaining in popularity throughout the US. Since there appears o be a shortage of subjects to satiize in MAD, you mighe try writing about bascball—if ‘anyone on your staff ‘an bear to sit through a game Joe Cappe Toronto, Canada Hockey is one of the best spectator spors in the US, and Canada. Fans enjoy a litde action once in a while. Your Primer was terrible! Kevin Lindberg Lemont, illinois All one needs do is sead your “Toe Hockey Primer” (One of the mose superb Primers you've done!) and he can seve himself irom the punishment of ‘the penalty box, namely a box seat at any ice hockey game PHL Georgetown, Mass, THE MAD POETRY ROUND ROBIN “The Poetry Round Robin" was the funniest article I have ever read, Frank Jacobs’ poetry was sensational, and George Woodbridge's art was even greater. ‘John Finch Coventry, RI. ‘Your "Round Robin" laid an cga! D. Hays Johason Wellsburg, W-Va, ‘IT TAKES A THIEF” CAN SURE TAKE A JOKE and Malachi Throne enjoy MAD's recent scl of their TV show.201 MIN. OF A SPACE IDIOCY ith "2001: A Space Odyssey Stanley Kubric was cbviously ateemp {0 deliver a profound message, something he felt was extremely important to our ‘modern society, After seeing the motion Dieture wice, and reading the book once, Tsill could not figure out what the devil he was tying o say. However, with "201 Min. of a Space Idiocy,” MAD has an- sera all my questions. Conraations William Fuchs Los Angeles, Cal ‘Never haye I seen such ridiculous, n- ‘comprehensible movie. [completely agree wwith More Drucker and Dick De Bartolo, wo di sul acai job cuting dows this supposed “areat” lm. In my opinion, Stanley ‘Kubrick “bombed”, and MAD feame up with the eal winnet: "201 Min. (OF a Space Idiocy"—the greatest satirical piece of work you've ever turned Out “Mark Sayko Musall, Pe Surely, there are movies more deserv- ing of abuse than "2001: A Space Odys sey", a film which, even if for no other reason than che visual effects, ranks as one Of the outstanding motion pictures of the decade, Robin Prince Huntsville, Ala. ‘Your satite of "2001: A Space Odys sey” was dull, boring and pointless. Ex- ept for the ‘great visual job, ic was complete waste of time, Come to think of fg, ie was exactly like the movie! ‘Cynthia Khoury ‘Westport, Cona, Til ell you whac the monolith really is Jes a big black coffin for burying the en- tire mongoloid idior stl of MAD! TT, Hopkins Framingtoo, Mass. Although the movie was a spectacular ppot-on, ie was worth the money I wasted fon it. just x0 could eajoy your master piece of satire Ricky Seifacth Maugansville, Mo. ‘Stanley Kubrick's "2001: A Space Od- yssey” was che finest movie T have ever Seen. Your satire was digusting. Rest as- sated chat I will never spend another 35¢ fon your crommy magazine again! ‘Bruce R. Beaman ‘Manitowoc, Wisc Wanna bet? Just wait til somebody tells ‘you your leter Is inthis ive! ‘APOISON-PENNED LETTER ‘You were right! One man's magazine JS anoahe u's pia! ‘As Twit chs from my hospital bed, I implore you Give me the acidore! Chris Bloch Blue Island, I Fleaie addres: all corespondence to MAD, Dept, 127, 485 MADizon Avenue ‘New York, New York 10022 SICK OF BEING ABUSED BY MOVIEMAKERS... TV PROGRAMMERS... ADVERTISING MEN... CAR MANUFACTURERS. ..POLITICIANS...ETC? IT ALSO HAPPENS TO BE THE TITLE OF OUR 39TH PAPERBACK BOOK! - On Sale At All Bookstands —Or Yours By Mail For 60¢ .- use coupon or duplicate ———. MAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, N. ¥.10022 NAME ADDRESS—————— city. STATE ZIP-CODE. PLEASE SEND ME “GOOD ’N MAD” ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THE BOOKS CHECKED BELOW: (The MAD Reader (The MAD Frontier Howling MAD TMADStrikes Back) MAD in Orbit. [The Indigestible MAD Gilinside MAD [i TheVoodoo MAD Ci Burning MAD (Utterly MAD (Ci Greasy MAD Stuff [CUDON MARTIN Steps Out [ithe Brothers MAD) Three Ring MAD (C}DON MARTIN Bounces Back [The Bedside MAD) Self-Made MAD C}DON MARTIN Drops 13 Stories [Ci Son of MAD (The MAD Sampler (C]MAD'S Captain Kiutz [Ci the Organization MAD =] World, World, etc. MAD (=) DAVE BERG Looks atthe USA like MAD iRaving MAD CUDAVE BERG Looks at People (The Ides of MAD Ci Boling MAD (C)DAVE BERG Looks at Things, (Fighting MAD (Ci duestionable MAD Ci The All-New SPY vs. SPY SPY vs. SPY Follow-Up File CJAMAD Look at Old Movies 1 ENCLOSE 60¢ FOR EACH (CUALIAFFEE's Snappy Answers (Minimum Order: 2 Books) "iva MAD!” CIMAD for Better or Verse ‘We cannot be responsible for cash lost or stolen in the mails. Check or Money Order preferred. On orders outside the U.S.A, please add 10%.ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: AL JAFFEEy, Acc a RR TTUNERY ROOM NNY NA oat ae ee PN BY Nees REALLY Ki A VPAWAKE! LAMA ean wienn | SCIENTIST DOING IMPORTANT AND SUCHET RESEARCH FOR IN HUGE CORPORATION, Oe p itl: Ty ie ves ANS Wey » A a Ue »\ LU Ly aeee ee HERR OF THE DOG DEPT. A few issues back, MAD published some samples of a little-known early 1918 comic strip from the Hamburg Post-Dispatch which presented the other side of that epic struggle of Further Adventur —_sOR- “Security Ist Eine Gr DL THE RED BARON DER BEAGLE HAS BEEN ) [7 HAF TRIED EVERVTINK--DVES, SPINS, HEH HEH! ALL T ON MEIN TAIL FOR. LOOPS, EVEN AN IMMELMANN TURN-- DID VAS ROLL OVER NEARLY AN HOUR HE BUT SHTILL HE PERSISTS | VAIT! I HAF IT! UND PLAY DEAD! REFUSES TO GIVE UF T KNOW HOW TO GET AVAY FROM Him! ee ee se PE THE RED BARON : : = by CARL SCHULTZ ‘YOU VOULDN'T BELIEVE FIRST, I EXHAUSTED ALL DER BULLETS: NOT HE varpenep ) — (retcner) DEN? i DER DOG FIGHT THAD | | IN MEIN MACHINE GUN! DEN t EXHAUSTED ALL DER BULLETS IN MEIN PISTOL | UND FINALLY, I THREW MEIN PISTOL AT HIM! ee YY GWorld War I...mainly Snoopy’s run-ins with The Red Baron. Now, in response to popular demand (and because the author knows we have relatives living in Germany), here are some Of The Red Baron unded Beaglehundt” WRITER: FRANK JACOBS. aaa a aS THE RED BARON by CARL SCHULTZ TTT pene [EE ae \ MERTEN] [-AROLLED-UP SE ESCAN BEAGLE VENTE, || MACHINE GUN? 2 (oe ( cevasraTno| | NEWSPAPER! DER, SEES 17, HEVILL CRINGE MIT FEAR! “S ALL. NEIN, BARON, BUT HELLO, SEARCH ZEPPELIN! AND VELL KEEP LOOKING! ‘GIGN OF DER AMERICAN BEAGLE 2THE RED BARON 1S DER) YAH! ALL DER PILOTG| ARE CHIPPING IN. TO BO? HM A GIFT! ‘A PREGENT 2! FOR ME...2 by CARL SCHULTZ ‘THE RED BARON by CARL SCHULTZ DER AMERICAN BEAGLE, BUT INSTEAD HE ALANS’ | OUTSCHMARTS ME! fo T TRV 10 OUTSCHMART \_] LKEEP CHANGING MEIN FLIGHT PLAN, BUT IT DOES ME BEAGLE SHTILL FINDS mE! “71S Like He KNOWS) _ MEIN EVERY move) icine | k —— cust | j| Zea! por’ RibicLous! y— \eownerPence! oN | ma = } ry } sh de 9 } ( teefeag')) el 4 AN, NO GGOT! DER‘TEENY-COPPERS DEPT. HEY, GANG! LET'S TAKE A MAD LOOK aT THAT GREAT NEW “IN” WV SERIES THAT BEGINS EACH Soe LIKE THIS: ‘My name... puffpulf i Pei “There were 23 others living in the kitchen and the parlor! My hu {50 out on Friday and Saturday ight and BUY love! So tren pull My name is Capt Jem yname Soot My motner a ened anal orkanthe street My father riers ere a | was the Senteson Busnes, ; ie nile ‘too! ie lived in eee and we all because of those three kids HT ul never gstcese tone wn pete gt Thay wo another But, ren, Saation eet Gndcteowe Ages Tey Pople erage ranowoy : strc altgonwetod of minor offenses from-spul ' smiaent nove gotten 1040-20 ys ima ora $340-925 wea Sukinsten, they chose tori their wes agsinct gangsters, uns ry wonder at “ODD SQUAD’ ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER, WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLOOkay, mant Butdon't. f | | tell anybody you i, Coo! the mouth | HB Nn S minute, Cont! | [822634] |g FFtcots ite f] ister |aian'e want to batt was that, forgoto’ H jail. Well, this guy comes up and offers me a chance to make some ‘ulck bread! | should have known something was wrong! After al He's THE “Bobby Smith” ‘and you're hiding him, help you | F ‘aren't you Leak? You veto. | couldn't trust us! You Captain couldn't trust us because ‘eer | you have something in fings cut Zommon with him that whats {| you don't share with ust happen: |] ‘You're both TALL! ae tall the other tall Washein sucha hurry? | | thinkt'd, 15] captain, * || English! You're and. jg poople that you're ‘You're holding out on | understand? 1) you're’ [J sitting on his ” PA nang’ around with me, You. |p| Den'tyou [5] sitting HOT plate! SHORE tote css | Stil think “eop” isa || inkt've (71) on my Don't you have Sah | tiveeleter word, hun? | ot fesings? grace ‘any feelings?Allright, here's what we've found out ‘50 far! Bobby Smith was employed by ibson! a Toy Manufacturer named Wayne Gil ‘We know a few things about Gibson, likes to swim at the .! Stootie— you go down tothe "Y"" and poke around the locker room! See what you turn up! Hmmm! Okay let's try another plant One of you| ‘irl in a night club! Peek! You'll pose asa bank uard When you se Gibson to the bank, try to | am how much he deposits, the checks eame from! ind we know that Gibson Toys were | | And Leak—you find out ail you can about | We {featured recently in a magazine artic Peek, you goto the offices of “Ebony Magazine” and scour the back issues! [ ] some company with the initials "KKK." fl this Tell them you're looking fora picture this cancelled cheekwe found in the ff ne murdered man's safe. I's made out to.» promised Nis al te organizations ith thas ff woe of your brother inital! Startwith te Ku Klux Klant ff woul » be EASYIE Then m B],, Here's a photo of Gibson! There ae Uiaid EL When he comes nto the might| | Which will hove [] eb, take hs picture with || mighe = steers wate ware || co orast to know his secompices! || go Cartaint ee oeTi fne {_on,reaiye | [coo Nobody | Wayne siete [Fontes ai viant-Tats J]iowionn nes |_| Yours |f_tes. man’ tayo Btaucts f| Gibson your guard, || our’Mr. Jonest He's loved || he been with | | Cabbiei |] me and go bug some f Wayne {| Wel it's incon | Zour Bu} Seduce byatotuet|{"tnevent? | | wakeupe fetter jockey” | Gbgon f about met How are |] "so close |) In fact, the Bank President | \— | Are you ‘for his wheels! like ff What kept ei feceeremrunced times Hy Areyou wating or ea, ff yous man? combinctentocorveute wa] || Bf Sonat Hl aspect! tre Binet a aA ay a ‘ eye ae - Se B STAND se abi ecNe ‘ = ‘So ast! You're a good listener, and MN you sure know your H| "job! How lone you «ffl been ariving scab? Wihat'lit be, Mr. Gibson? IM excuse me! Are fagOR, may I take r= But you Mr. WAYNE pl your picture? [il 1a like i nave a Martini Gibson...7 THIS | wet, everybody's got their own and my two accomplices No, thanks! 1 fone for ‘wll have Bloody Marys! res, thats mel 5 already got onet |] myself! Es Please, Mr. Gibson, let her as Why the disguise? FY at monica! J What take your picture Hier work Y, | ervoor vm Inazootnat's J about ie going tobe featured in Scancur PM sient || There are always J ‘been closed all Popular Photography, she's fearless (Mover Ll EYES. .wotching ff for seven nourst! | the going tonaves onewoman, Ney Header? fi here! Il our every move! animals? ryEVEL TAHT til = Betore you give I've artested thirteen ‘me your reports, | kids on drunken driving Tet me tellyou || charges, twelve kids for what F've come |} passing bum checks, ten Lp with myself || for pushing pot, and six— drunken driving, passing _| bum checks, pushing pot—| | Gibson gave me the whole story while || Then, in the ‘'drove him cross-town in my eab! He's || confusion running racket He hres Rds as Toy || that fellows, Salosmen for his phony company, and just nother words, a kid who kills isn't a murderer and a kid who steals isn't 2 thief ts all the fault of the adults around him! But | would ike | Youthree are |! ciue me int || to understand ONE | always together!|| Where is tne ‘thing, Stool! I never see you) ROMANTIC. It's this weird "date! Soit's INTEREST triangle of yours! || hard to tell! in this show?DON MARTIN DEPT. PART! THE Same CAWCAWCAW Sx eS Z Rees) Ec NS cK ae mot i ey S 2, 4‘TAXATION WITHOUT MISREPRESENTATION DEPT. It's Income Tax time again, gang, so get ready for that annual rash of complaints about how high ‘Taxes are. Would you like to know why Taxes are so high? Because the Government just isn’t get- ting all ofthe Tax Money that's due it! And do you know why, the Government isn’t getting all of SPECIFIC INCOME TAX FORMS EXCERPT FROM TAX FORM FOR CONGRESSMEN United States | hn BILLY JOE SUKES Congressman | jin sdiress| PEACHTREE LANE FP" QAO | see ciyasine MUDFLAT, GEORGIA ‘SCHEDULE A: WAGES AND SALARIES 1. Enter total wages paid by U.S. Government »_-. - 1868 30,000,008 ‘SCHEDULE B: INCOME FROM SOURCES OTHER THAN WAGES AND SALARIES 2. Gross Wages of relatives on U.S, Goverriment Payroll (li NAME RELATIONSHIP SALARY ISCARLE 11 JUKE S [SISTER ANOWIFES FIRST COUSIN ee JASHLEY KALLIKAK [@ROTHER-IN-LAW, AND COUSIN TO, OOO Tee REE oe On eo eet Pee MELANIE JUKES [MyFIRST BORN, AGE BILLY JOE JUKES, RIMY SECOND CORN, AGE 2 FRS(GILtV Oe KALLIRAK URES = WIFE AWD COUSIN 3. Total wages of relatives on U.S. Government Payroll. Total amount of wages kicked back to you from relatives» — 5. Rent paid for office space by U.S. Government (ist): ADDRESS SPACE RENT TPEACHTREE LANE, MIOLAT eA] FRONT PORCH T 000.06 I PERCHTREE LAVE, MUOFLAT, GA BACK PORCH T; 000-83] ITPEACHTREE LANE, MUDFCAT, GA.| CELLAR 1,500.04 TPEACHTREE LANE, MUDFLAT, 6A. | Va. OF OUTHOUSE 500.04 [CONGRESSIONAL OFFICE BUILDING] WASHINGTON, D-C- 3 ROOMS | FREE 6. Total rent paid for office space by U.S. Government 7. Total rent received by you or kicked back to you 8, Farm Income (Enter total subsidies paid to you by U.S. Government for not growing crops on your properties)». 8. Lobby Income (Enter total monies paid to you by Lobbyists against bills providing Financial Aid to Cities). 10. Value of Medical Care received at U.S. Government Hospitals: NAME NATURE OF TREATMENT TK LEY RALLIKY Loa LANE SURES IYSOE TURES, SAR. CME] SEMT- ANNU? 11. Total value of Medical Care receivedp. 12, Other Lobby Income: (Enter total monies paid to you by AMA and other Medical Lobbyists against Medicare Bills)» 13. Total contributions to campaign by constituents} 14. Amount of contributions used for personal purposesp— 15. Value of travel junkets paid for by U.S. Government (ist): DATE PURPOSE AND DESTINATION TALE OF TaIP Beale Tem = PAR 7 6/8 -6/18/ 6g | UNDEQDEVELOPED AQEAS - TARITT 2500-00] tS BLL Oe SI eee 0 80 70,000.00 4,000.00 _7,800.0° 5,000.00 _ 6,000.00 2,500.90 18,297.50the Tax Money that’s due it? Because the current 1040 Income Tax Form is inadequate! A general type of Income Tax Form like the one now in use simply cannot cover all of the possible areas of {taxable income gathered by specific businesses or professions. What really is needed today are FOR SPECIFIC PROFESSIONS WRITER: LOU SILVERSTONE EXCERPT FROM TAX FORM FOR COLLEGE ATHLETES college tun MIKE “CRUSHER” KOWALSK! a ihists one Bore 2 ESTE ouvedtFy_ | 9 6 8 1040 | tiene 86 rstin TIGHT END SINGLE C) MARRIED (4 OTHER MAKI OUT SCHEDULE 1: STATUS (CHECK ONE): i) SCHEDULE 2: INCOME 1. Wages and Salaries for alleged on-campus jobs (lst): 08 = = [Lwacesneceven Warrive ov TABLES 2500.00 Wanine OT TOWELS TN GSA 2 5OO.00 ANIME BLACK BOARDS AND ERASERS |2, 3OO- OF ATTENDING CLASSES 2,500.00 2. Income from sources other than wages and salaries (list): SouRGE avon RECEIVED Fee Diy ALO ATO 17,000 00 ERIENDLY PRO SCOUT 7, O00 00 WoL) BOOK MAKER. [¥ 500-00 FRIENDLY BROAD S = 750.02 3. Miscellaneous Income (Value of Items other than cash received): i VAWE 796E CADILLAC CONVER TICLE O- Fad STEREO PON OGRAPHE COLOR TELEVISION |7, (COMPLETE WARDROGE APA RTHIENT 4, TOTAL INCOME (Add linos 1, 2 and 3) ‘SCHEDULE 3: EXPENSES '. Monies paid out to egghead students for (lis)! (A) Taking Exame. (8) Writing Term Papers (C) Doing Homework Ass (0) Other: HRLZZMe 6. Books and Supplies Itemize): ica Aaya, Te Peak (OS* AC. (@)L2ALL Bot PEW = (LLZTLE BLACK 200K (0) 2E 7. TOTAL EXPENSES (Add lines 5 and 6)p. 8, TOTAL TAXABLE INCOME (Subtract line 7 from line 4)» 8. TOTAL TAX » = MASA TOW YW MQWALR I | el rid Tena i Tavpayes Sigatue aE Spanidd teat tae?EXCERPT FROM TAX FORM FOR BUTCHERS 22. Total of lines 19 through 21y 23. GROSS PROFIT FROM SALE OF HORSEMEAT (Subtract line 22 from line 18)» ‘SCHEDULE D: PROFIT (OR LOSS) FROM SALE OF HAMBURGER 24. GROSS RECEIPTS FROM SALE OF HAMBURGER» 25, Cost of meat purchased for other purposes: ... Tae 26. Less cost of meat that did not spoi 2465.88 27. Total cost of spoiled meat used in hamburger: _S61.56. 28. Cost of other ingredionts used in hamburger (list): (A) Bones . 488.20 (8) Gristle and fat -—335-7o (C) Entrails.... oe * (©) Samus and Floor Swoonin 12.75) (E) Other. ). Add 10% for weight zi ‘thumb on scales: ~ 30. Total of lines 27 through 29» 2291.48 31. GROSS PROFIT FROM SALE OF HAMBURGER: 66.1% (Subtract line 31 from line 24). eee Sieh SAME ‘SCHEDULE E: OTHER BUTCHER BUSINESS DEDUCTIONS 32. BRIBES PAID (list): (A) Meat Inspector: (8) Scale Inspector: (©) Other RIDING ACADEMY OWNER 33. OTHER EXPENSES (Describe) SIGN PAINTER FOR LETTERING "SOUL BROTHER” ON WINDOW DURING RACE RIOT Sars ‘SCHEDULE F: CALCULATION OF INCOME TAX OWED OR REFUND DUE 34. Entor total of lines 11, 17, 23 and 31» : 1240}. 35. Enter total of lines 32 and 33 »— |_1340. 00 — 36, NET PROFIT (OR LOSS) O06 5 (Subtract ine 35 from line 38)» LLtos erm NOTE: If YOU SHOW [Link], YOU CALL YOURSELF A BUTCHER? 275.00 37. Using Tax Table on Page 8, enter tax due here». EXCERPT FROM TAX FORM FOR LAWYERS ‘SCHEDULE C: INCOME FROM SOURCES OTHER THAN FEES 12, Gross receipts (cash, chacks or alu oft) rom gat insurance Companies, Individuals or others for getting your 2768 clients to atta out of court for less money »- Cha b 27, 083.50 13. Bonus payments from Corporations for finding loopholes in tax laws for thom »—— 14. Reward payments from State or U.S. Government for tipping we them off about tax evading corporations »- 15. Cash received from clients (Corporations or Indiv to be used for purpose of bribes ». = 16. Bribes actually paid (list recipients): (A) Judges (8) Jurors (C) Witnesses - (0) Police ©) 0A's : (F) Others 22x é z 17. Net profit on cash received for bribes {Subtract ine 16 rom line f8)> _..|_ 7000.0 18. Total Income from sources athor than foes ) 1.3% (Add lines 12, 13, 15 and 17) nd 433.50 ~=tEXCERPT FROM TAX FORM FOR DISC JOCKEYS SCHEDULE E: INCOME FROM SOURCES OTHER THAN WAGES AND SALARIES 21, Payola (List sources, purpose and amount): ‘COMPANY OR INDIVIDUAL ‘AMOUNT Ins RECORDS ING] PUUGSING EAD RECORDS | 7500.00 MMIOTH FILMS; ING. USHING LOUSY MOVIES | 10,0 00-00. [BROADWAY PRODUCTIONS, INC. [RECOMMENDING FLOP PLAYS | 5,OO0-06. EATING PLACES) INC STeGESTING CRONMY STAIRS] 2,5 00-60 MARTY Lewis AYING UNFUNNY ALEUM T7509] [OTHER INDIVISUALS, See ATTACHED LIST™" | 6325.50 TOTAL PAYOLA p-——--..| BUSS 50 22. Gratuities received other than cash (Estimate value): (A) Favors from Entertainers (Attach detailed explanation: (8) Free Vacations for touting hotels and airlines: ~ -ooe3e-22 (C) Free Dinners, Booze, etc. for plug of products: . _ 6, 250-09 (0) Free Gifts from Agents, ete.: - 8,520.38 (E) Others (Explain): yaLUs OF LiEE SAVEC FoR PRAL MAFIA-CONTROLLED ENTERTAINERS: 17,750, 00 9,450.00 1,000, 000 - OO FORM 1040 DJ CONTINUED ON FLIP SIDE EXCERPT FROM TAX FORM FOR TV REPAIRMEN 21. NET PROFIT from sale of new picture tubes: (Gabeae ie 20 orn a 10) ence 1,783.50. ‘SCHEDULE C: INCOME FROM SALE OR EXCHANGE OF TUBES 4257.50 T380.50 22, INCOME from charging retail prices for new tubes: 23. Actual wholesale cost of new tubes: -. MANET Chota ine 23 hom ing 212287 1-00 | wea arotben and charbig costoet foe Non Eben 31 792.00. ‘SCHEDULE D: INCOME FROM SERVICE CALLS AND REPAIRS ee ee = 3,828.00 29. TOTAL CHARGES made for taking TV sols into shop wen they could have been repaired right in homes: 4785. 50 20, Actual cost of labor and parts for Shop Repairs: 31. NET PROFIT from Shop Repairs: (Subtract fine 30 from ine 29) 4,600.00 SCHEDULE E: INCOME FROM SALE OF YEARLY SERVICE CONTRACTS 32. GROSS RECEIPTS from sale of Yearly Service Contracts: 1,200 +00 33. Cost of tubes and parts replaced during contract period: 0.25 34. NET PROFIT from Yearly Service Contracts: (Subtract line 38 from fine 32) Hon ne | D204 .78 95. GROSS RECEIPTS from sale of tubes and parts 7759.50 after Yearly Service Contracts have expired 36. Cost of special tubes and parts manufactured to last for exactly one year and one day: 37. NET PROFIT made after Yearly Service Contracts expire (Subtract line 96 from line 35), 5,438.00 ‘SCHEDULE F: INCOME FROM ADJUSTING COLOR TV RECEIVERSmecemomm omme 6me mmm ccoELECTORATE CIRCUS DEPT. Since the real issues are rarely at stake, and the whole thing boils down to a popularity contest based on how well the candidates appeal to the y be 5 d voters on television, we could save a lot of time, trouble and money . . . ‘ IF THE PRESIDENT ; J were chosen like oe “Miss America 5, ARTIST: JACK RICKARD Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, tonightis [] I'm Bert Smirk, your‘"Mr. President [] Well ‘And now, while our ‘the big night... the night these distinguished || Pageant’ host... and itwil be my || ALMOST | candidates go back. gentlemen behind me have worked for and dreamed|| pleasant task to introduee you to. || env boy! || stage to prepare for ‘the culmination of weeks of back stabbing, || thehopefuls who will be doing their || Right, || the "Bathing Suit PRESIDENT | | conniving, palm-ereasing, wheeling and dealing “thing” here tonight, and proving | | Gene || Competition’, lets PAGEANT” ‘al for the chance to get to this stage inorder ‘once again thet, in America, any" | {MeCarthy2{ | meet this year's smiling Bert towin the coveted tite of “Mr. boy can grow up to become President! | ~—— panel of Judges... ‘Smirk. and nere is your host for this ye “MR. Un... thank Ourthird Judge Our sreond sree [Premnoere non Alotae contestants || 20,08 coder inthe [| APresdent mut tit be toner aboard cians : cavemrirce weer wa ; size Garber und oad ei singed a macenenngaval a youtell us what : 2 forane of mein ost | are the qualities is ‘Academy Avard-vinning | souloooren [| Sunn te ne Soe ‘you are judging scab arresisont? wsSg ee - From the state utr. Humphreys tt) - and Drug ofMinnesota []"""gin. tal. witha |] Store Clerk— candidate, rom [J] Tuskegee Institute where he majores in‘*Hate”. He speaks| several languages— including Southern! BLACK BELT... ‘Now, cursecond = Georgeattended p> Heisa Karate |. he refused! Thank you, Bert! Andi Tell me, Governor. Because it gives Thankyou] | Thankyou, June! have here with me || are you familiar with her hair that Sirmand || Incidentally, tonight's inthe booth one of |] 0 natural look, it good luck| | winner willbe given his gets rd of that “onight! | | own house, his own plane, oily feeling, ana ‘Now, || his own boat, and his own | own the company back || war—allofwhich he may thatmakesitt | toBert— || enjoy free forthe next if Ci Tour your! Y 2 bet Serry abut Nostiean [of weceswnat |] Wem | | tienes . Richard Mihoust FG] are you lower taxes, oer othe s soingtodo | | lower taxes, | | ene show a is Richard forus, Dick? rewars| | “tonight! aria trom iltous Ni ixont... Richard theoper, | Minous NIXON! aglineet| suppose a lot of people kid you about having the ‘the old movie star, eh, Ronnie? + | [rm going to tap dance down Into the audience, showing ‘only my right side—which is my good side—and sign autographs while im clips of my old love seenes are projected up on the sta “Great, Ronnie! Each finalist must answer a question | [Well itis my frm belief ‘And now, ladies Seto es z eked from this boul. He has not seen ‘and gentiemen—— " 7 the questionbefore, and ne only hes =! Hold it, Hubert Pick five seconds to think about hisanewert |], the question FIRST — ‘nd now ready to pick his question= | [THEN give your answer|| nore once agin Hubert Horphrey = = Here is your question Hugh—and think carefully ‘before you answer: “if ‘you were to become President, and trouble. makers suddontly started {0rlat all over the country ‘what would you do?" ‘Youhave 8 seconds Well, my mother always That’savery [> Here is your question, George—| | Well I don’ believe fold mer"Twoneadsere | | Ronest answer! [] and think carefully before you | | in ro pussyfootin' better than ane!" I'd call "Yes, tis answer: If you were to become ‘all out this adviser of mine in ‘and good iuck | | ‘President, and trouble-makers lux—t mean Texas, andl'd ask him toyou! Next— || suddeniy started toriot all | | the National Guara! what to do, and he'd tell Alabama's own | | over the country...what would | | —an’ wipe ‘em out! ‘me what todo, and I George Wallace!| | you do?” You have Sseconds...| | That's what I'd dot it, because | always ‘wht he tells me todo! \Maybe Wstunnyto = somect you snes | | pth te there hiding my dress | | iyck, Dick! And uit ike thatbut dont | UC DI! And ‘think so! don't get | | POM. ub ot bocktastmgoingto | | Both andiovey report you! And don't | | ita guiet think don'tknow who | | Mt andnteres Thank you, Bert! I'm, herewith the last winner of the "Mr. President Pageant” ‘Lyndon Baines ‘johnson! Tellus, Lyndon, did being, “Mr. President forthe past four -years benefit you inany way? An go lcountri Itcertainly did, June! For one thing, |—somethin’ Ah never would've been able| ¥ dof An hadn't been "Mr. President’! ‘An’ mah wife an’ Ah visited fifty-four you co?" Younave’ seconds.--[[daveror| | happen! | | Snover | | "Zee sus | | the county wnat buta ‘think it’s. Mould you dor good one! funny at allt Five seconds ‘And what would you say was the fone greatest contribution both mah daughters married off ies! We never would've done THAT! 1 Congratulations, sir Ofcourse, | [4 want runnerup [] “there'll be a job waiting for J. Edgar allbeen waiting || is...from | | youin Washington! All finalists | | Hoover's for!Maythave | | Alabama...| | and their family and theirfriends| | joblJust the Judges’ final! | George. | | willbe puton the Government's |_| sive me tallies, please? | | Wallace! | | ‘payroll for the next four years! | | Hoover's job!ss VY The second runnersup... py Andtellus— || take anything! ‘and the rt runner | [Who??] | ehink | Whats “Agnew” “it rom Minnesota. whatjob do || Just tell mo what up...fromthegreat| [Who'd] | he saia oe Hubert Horatio Humphrey! | | YOU want in || you want mato do state of Maryland | | Sovros ans ital Congratulations, Hubert!” || Washington? || "and tao t essing AGNEW! | [59y?? | | skovrast pene ‘Anybody ri have your ‘that Pin! Ie eomes | [_ rubetie Federal Income ‘3s no surprise to me! [And that, of course, means| {was always confident Well, now they'e| years | that the winner of the "Mr. | | was YOU who President Pageant”...and| | stolemy dress || Tax Reports. the new Chief Executive of | | “suit! well, ri || examined with They thouent they could the United States is New | |get even, Bert—| | fine-toothed you, “Mr. | |make me look ridiculous, York's Richard M. Nixon! | "You'll see... |\|comb! You'llseet|) | President’ | |" but they were wrong! || them! You'l se!| | anybody! ! Radnow asyoutare | [ WalktYouvart )) [Thereheis ‘netiongwalkdoun | | metoWALK eho. eKewnyou | | down thatrampt |) |r Preside Where's my faney : Presiental art? Ourideail_ JDON MARTIN DEPT. PART I!MANIKIN-DEPRESSIVE DEPT. Maybe the reason many teenagers and young adults are escaping from reality through the use of Marijuana and LSD and other drugs these days is because they were exposed to reality at much too early an age... mainly when they were still playing with dolls! We're talking about realistic dolls! Those VERY realistic dolls! We'll show you just what we mean as we take... A RVD LOOK AT REALISTIC DOLLS ‘The doll on our right, of course, is the very popular “GL. Joey” doll. He is completely flexible. In other words, he has no mind of his own, and bends to every command... regardless of what itis, or who it comes from, Go ahead! Give G.L. Joey an order! Ask him to Kill somebody! He will! His commanding officer, Major Hawk, wishes he had more dolls like Gi. Joey under his command! Today, Toyland ...tomorrow, the World! WRITER: HAROLD MORRISON PHOTOGRAPHY: BY IRVING SCHILD ‘This is Boobie's friend, “Afro”! She is a “Token” doll. She is a very nice doll. She is a credit to her doll race! But This is “Boobie”! Now, there's a doll! A living | i doll! She comes rt equipped with everything that a young girl of He's testing out one of his newest accessories... his cigarette lighter, on one of his oldest accessories « . « his Draft Card! Keen is strongly against becoming today might wish for: Personality, good looks, and pure femininity. Too bad! She'll have to change despite her intelligence vy Vi and charm, G.I. Joey“ (And even Keen! ) cannot ask her for a date! The "GIL Joey” all that if she Doll World isn't doll and wants expects to be ready for tae J! JI us to know it! accepted today! sort of thing! +‘This is “CL Jerry"! He was an enemy of GL Joey ‘once. Now heisa Half of him, any- way! The Western Half! ‘Here is “Keen” again. He is practically the same size ‘as Boobie, and has the same delicate features. He can even fit into some of Boobie's clothes. That Keen will 0 to any lengths to avoid ending up as a “Gi. Joey’! ‘enemy at one time, also! Now, he and Joey have an understanding! If Joey will forget about Pearl Harbor, GL Jap will forget about Hiroshima! Thisis “GAL. Red! He was a friend at cone time! Then ...he wasn’t one! Then ...he seas! Then he wasn't! What ise today? Which way is the twind blowing? today. That's all she ever thinks about is clothes. It takes a lot of money to keep her in the latest fashie Think about that before you marry a doll like Boobie!He, too, was afriend, once. And he still is. Hal With friend- dolls like this, you don't need enemy-dolis! Hey, there goes Keen again. He's wearing a new outfit, tool And it comes complete with matching luggage and fone way ticket to Canada. Looks like Keen is making a last-ditch effort to keep from becoming a “GL. Joey"! This is “G. Limey”! He was a friend ‘once. And heisa ¢ friend now! They say the sets on English friendship! firing, bullets at him. Not toy bullets, either! Who is it? GA. Jap? GL, Jerry? GL. Frenchy? enemy... "GJ, Cong’! G.l, Cong comes with many acces- sories, You can look them up in Gi. Red's catalogue! a88 Ticurmr SIDE OF THE GENE :) i sone| the “Dead a a vi y that guys fan| (Letter office” “Our youth now loves luxu iy | | letter! Where They have bad manners, contempt re is} [shall send itt —" Hun? or authority, disrespect for ee ae ese 5 )ORATES, the Greek Philosopher, said itin the year 3298.0. older people. they contradict ___tike no other ‘melr parents and tyrannize r tv teachers N i Nee ‘SEV? YOU ALREADY m HAVE A SMOKER’S HACK FROM CIGARETTE SMOKE! YOUR PURSE CIGARETTES: ‘YOU KNOW WHAT HARM YOU CAN| (ces ve [ WHAT'S THIS IN) YOU DUMB, STUPID KID! DON'TWnydidihavetne | [Whats] [ Idon't know! Wel, maybe Tinowt Why well ' " they'reright!_ | | didn't think ek tobe born into |__| wrong Maybe we ought| | of this before?! against theway| | tochange the way we livet a middle class family| {—} ‘with ‘with ite middle class | | being ‘morality and alts. | \|| middle lnc) Wy € ‘we lve today! ‘car, or money for acdate, ormoney—} | exploited minorities! (S207! Just ike Ws either money This time, its for What What (rnen are you goine] ‘hat?! Everytime! | | forallowance, of | | aworthy cause, Dad! | | about about to protest for US? turn around, you're| | money for clothes, |_| 1 need expense money us you WE'RE an exploited ‘ashing for money! | | ormoney tor your | | togotoWashington | parents?!) [parents minority! T te protest for our ara (Will you look at those eollege Kids lating }= nd wrecking... and protesting against ‘and something should be done about| grew up during the Depressiont Then, when Istarted | You, on the other hand, grew We had nothing! I had to work darn | | making good money and. nu never hard for every litte thing! Now, ‘acquiring material wwtien Took back on it, irealize [] things, was able to H that I'ma better person fort! ‘appreciate ther all ee on ] unoeniLeceD ‘ior tempered my steel! Itvasa | | the more! cherished sschooling...and privilege! | | and valued each item! ‘Wall, son, what did you } ‘Gee, | was talking to an That's learn in schoo! today? i ADULT the other day, and| | strange! / "couldn't Believe it He ‘was ¢0 patient! He calmly heard me out, and then [gave me such wise advice! [Good Lordlt These] { Y'know, but listened, and) [Did | hearyou When adults: start] (then there ust Be) ‘ids and their | |usedtofeei| |" Tlearned to ike it right, Mom? liking what we ‘SOMETHING WRONG ‘Kids ke.) awe) susie ies awutt) [that way This Beate recor, Younes | wirnir | e > | _trinstancet’ | [Beatie recone — really has something!) —Y V Why can't yo ‘a Straight student ike Vietor Freemat ‘And Mitch Montana...) (The ) (But thoughts fegot theDon Juanofthe | | worst|_ | was... mean. schootrisheafeect? J (Kina) | “What in necks 2 v fagot anywayT?Gee, Dad Hl ‘When wasyour | (You must be putting me on!) [Whatt! That | (Tean't believe ever knew you | | age, I won a medal Tim absolutely shocked! 1 that you were = orice skat Se rats. thats beyond my Gabe oF. EE < yy eee Laren i ee) 102 Tort) [ete] [eimsoa) [wove (as vara) GLearmENT = ures | tke ame (see) Nr or a) (wo (They were ruthless, and] ‘Gee, we kids have They're ‘and oppressive, and | ‘today!? “Parents!!! tougher than the kids of today! | that's because we were locked in a life-and-death struggle with [arth omy een = ‘Anyone who can do] ‘You young people with your) { What's the world ‘Calm down! You something |CAN'T Wild ideas about Sexual | [coming to?? Those can'tehange Because I'm DO is afagot!! | Experience and Free Lovet! |_| kids make me so things! What are rot part of it Le’metellyou,itmaybe | (mad t could bust! you so angry about? FREE, but it's NOT LOVEI! It's just plain FREE LUST!Dad, ifyou) [Ws because You call You bet! do! didn't | [Tknow you're aisappointes,) {.. only maybe ra Tove me, Tlove you thatlove | | put seventeen years of ut isn't it nice to know ibe better off it ne you'llbuy that won't denying | |eareandworry into you |_thet your fatherloves you? | [HATED me alittlet meacar! | — [ouyyouacart) |mesomething| |‘soyou can get racked thattwant | | up nan accident! I'm sobeaiy? J | protecting what! love! Q Tsee my son is That'stoo) (CAN'T YOU ‘Can you imagine ) Ididn’t FROM THE VERY gettingserious | | badteut | | Seesue's 21 That witeh realize that | | MOMENT MY SON bout that Gail! | youwon't | | Nor GOOD. thatruthless | | you disliked | | WAS BORN!! What's-Her-Nemez!| | “haveto | | ENOUGH fhussy.-.has | |Gail so muer ‘Well, Lwant you | | five with ‘weasied her | [How long has| to know that Ido ‘way into this been not ike her! myson’sheartt | |_going on? (Awntnot# ] [~ Actually, itbugs me that) dito) [ Sowiy’) {_eccauserr eves you're myson! | | TELLME Geta HAIRCUT! V ] getting in my ayes yo Isitdown toeat with my | { Andwe see YOU-a Enough Dear Lord, | thank Thee— + ALL THOSE, family, and what do see: representative of arguments, ‘or Thou hast preparest UNDER Hippies, Vippies, members| | The Establishment! already! atable bet THIRTY ofthe New Lett Draft Card | | People like you make | Saythe | burners, Flag burners, Pat | | wars and send young smokers, Sit-ners, and People like us to |Since its birth in 1839, Baseball has seen only one major change. Thanks to the archi- fectural engineering achievement of the Houston Astrodome, America’s dullest outdoor sport for the past 130 years has now become America’s dullest indoor sport as well! And so, in order to save this dying sport from total extinction, we now present . . . The MAD Plan For Combatting... The Boredom of Baseball HERE ARE A FEW MAD IDEAS FOR MAKING THE GAME MORE EXCITING BY CHANGING EXISTING FACILITIES AND RULES ence will be fortunate enough to have their for beiter view of the playing field blocked, and they will be far more seats will have to watch the game close at hand, effectively entertained by the wild grafitti scribbled on them. m es Bboy ind/or walls in the outfield. This Reduce the distance between bases to only ten feet, thereby willl make it possible for everyone to watch the “Auto cutting down the running time of the game. Also, if enough Thrill Show.” staring the Iatecomer baseball fans, who Tine drives are hit, it will, in time, kill off all available perform erazily each night in the stadium parking fots. infielders, thus putting an end to the game once and for all. 37AND HERE ARE SEVERAL ad oe MAKING = GAME =! ote! Eliminate all but one Vendor, and assign him to one section. This will mean Print duplicate tickets for most seats. that at least 75% af the people at the game will be spending most of theit This will mean that two, three or four time passing hot dogs, beer and soft drinks back and forth around the field. people would have a ticket for the same (This idea was tested’at a recent Met game, where it was recorded that the seat, resulting in marvelous arguments sellout crowd passed 285, and even bloody fist fights .. . all more exciting to watch than the stupid game, ly fat ex-policemen, 65 ot over, as Stadium Guards. Train several dummy Television Cameras with red lights ‘Then, several times during every game, release a very fast on the fans in the stands so they can spend the whole dog or a wiry teenager onto the playing field. This should game turning and waving at people they hope are idiot provide lots of laughs as the old cops try to run ‘em down. enough to be watching and looking for them back home. "Permit ony ladies in the pak on Ladies Days. Then, whenever a play is made, te Supply players with uniforms that {game will be stopped and the players will explain what happened. After 3 innings, are much too small so that when ‘the game will stop completely and the players will go up into the stands and just they bend to pick up a ball or a sit around for 2 hours, gossiping and drinking and doing all the things ladies dig. bat, there will be much hilarity.| : mallee ass out Bingo cards at the entry gates ‘At some point during every game when there is no threat of rai, fire play Bingo during the actual game, using the hoses will be turned on the playing field signifying the start of the players numbers as they cometo bat. When a Tarpolin-Rolling Race. Four teams of pot-bellied maintenance men will a line, he yells out attempt to roll four extremely heavy tarpolins onto the field, unfold ‘I od play is held up while he comes them, spread them out, walk around on them, then fold them tp again onto the field and collects & valuable prize. and roll them back off the feld—all this while the game is going on. Use only one baseball per game, This will mean that when a Replace those Jeeps—now used to bring Relief Pitchers in from Bull Pens in most parks—with Kids’ Tricycles, foul ball or a home run is hit, the players will literally thus damaging the Pitcher's moral even before he gets have to race into the stands to retrieve it, thus affording to the mound. This will make for a better hitting game. fans an opportunity to meet their favorite stars personally. ste Hire only Alcoholic Illiterates as Scoreboard Hire only inept Ground Keepers so that balls will roll, jump and hop Keepers. This will insure that wild errors will erratically. This will make the players look bad, allowing the fans take place, especially with the ball-and-strike to make wisecracks and throw things like empty bottles which will be Count, and those important out-of-town scores. lying at their feet, since the parks will never be swept out either.'SPOOKING FROM PICTURES DEPT. - Se x Hey, gang! It’s time once again for MAD's nutty old “Cliché Monster” game. Here’s how it works: Take any familiar phrase or colloquial expression, give it an eerie setting so you create a new-type monster, and you're playing it. Mainly, you’re— ARTIST: PAUL COKER, JR. WRITERS: MAY SAKAMI 4 E. NELSON BRIDWELL ‘apes Making a LONG STORY short Striking a CARELESS POSELOK Cementing a RELATIONSHIP SS Creating a DISTURBANCE Raising a RUCKUS> Be ie Axe Getting out of a TIGHT SQUEEZE ) we Releasing one’s INHIBITIONS Killing off a few IDLE HOURSGOD SAVE McQUEEN DEPT. ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER Lieutenant Bullbit? My name is Walter ‘asked your Chief to send me the b ‘on the foree! I've got an assignment that requires the utmost ski, intelligence, patience and alertness... butt also Tequires one other thing that's more important than all the rest and that is that you stay awake while I'm talking to you! T wot |e 18 wake || tr charset That's just Steve He was Steve McQueen when he did No matter what kind of role he plays, Steve McQueen is always Steve McQueen! He was Steve McQueen when he did his sailor bit in “The Sand Pebbles”! He was Steve McQueen when he did his illegitimate father bit in “Love With A Proper Stranger”! is sophisticated crook bit in “The Thomas Crown Affair”! And if you've seen his latest...in which he plays a detective, then you'll have to agree that he’s still Steve McQueen, even when he does his... “BULLBIT” warren: Snoring is acting real cool?? Anyway, here your assignment: Johnny Thug has quit ‘the Mafia and is ready to talk! I want you AL JAFFEE 7 Failure f]No, | mean from| will bring |] MEW Nobody's you eertain | | gonna louse up ‘death! | | MY chance to ae ie Sune buster a ee this nation | | has ever haat tuys = ‘Okay, Mr. | | As you know... in current movies, the ‘307... in the Hotel ‘So get over there jf No...this time he's harmless, | "accent is on eredibilty and realism! Sleazy! That's a skid and start baby~ | |really ASLEEPF In fact, ‘whereIS | | With this in mind, where's the FIRST row flop house across |__| sitting ths guy! By |] ‘considering tow dull this Mafia | | place the Mafia would look for him? In town! I'said the accent the way, Set [| this dialogue’s been hood we're | | some sleazy skid row flop house, right? think your friend is f| so far it's a wonder ‘supposed | |And where's the LAST place they'd look?’ underpiaying again! ANY of us. to guard? | | in some plush hotel like this one, right? 7 ‘are stil awake!Okay, men, I ‘On second 2 take the first | | thought, you Sergeant J | shitt there's [7] take the first Standin, want to appear going to be any |. | shift, Standin’ before the breaking in and, you are an 10107? cor |_| kiting, it’s bound | \-Babysitting” it |) fto happen during was just an I | the test shire expression! Golly, look how late itist i's beddy-bye time, Thuggy! Get into your ‘jammies, wash {your teethy-weethie ‘and say your praye Vm going to raid the refrigerator and... What could he possibly have [Link] over at the door except untock i? You're gonna say YOUR prayers, Copper, if you keep on forgetting that “Babysit ’be an open invitation for ki to come in and blow our brains out! Ridiculous! No producer would accept ‘that! No director would accept that! And no audience would accept that! [what happened ..7] - Hoo-boy! Like {At these modem admission 1] Mr. Charmiess. plees, I think maybe the audience might prefer some| ‘contrived playwriting kindWhat do ters go! | [They can't find Jonny ‘those awful These guys| | Thus's Blue Cross Card! urging. He's ying to talk But with Il must, regardless of personal ‘are dying! | | While they're leoking, oises Ball Mis eyes, cars nose, pain and suffering, somehow Hey, Doe—| | Illask Standin, here, standin oat w2¥,| | Communicate to me! Can you] YOU'D } | what's | |some questions! Answer is making || talking is the most painful || “make out what he's saying? holding ‘one gure for Doe? — = ‘and two for "no"! It Have you ever had mumps, chicken pox, measies, diptheria, or nasal congestion? Has any member of your family ever had ‘TB, mental ilies, /cancer, or bad breath? Were you ever treated or the following... dt ED Hey... that why? Thank | _ [1m no Doctor, Thusl guyil You || Because he's got| | heaven ima high-paid Shouldn't || that sawed-off you've | | professional killer! nave let him || shotgun? ‘come through! Now, atest, there's a we're in for Le Doctor rence? | weir infor Wo, because ate eal BIE The hasn't goto ; Visitors” Pass! eae! Wl Ps Listen, Killer Before we go any further, there's one question I'd like to ask youl What logical reason can you give me for not finishing off Johnny Thug when you hhad him trapped ike a siting duck back in that hotel room? That's something an experienced cop like me cannot swallow! Morgue That was the‘Oh-oh! There's the hired killer and his driver in that ‘ear! Now, there are two ways | can handle this situation! One—t can cautiously tral them uni get ’ chance to call headquarters so they can set up roadblocks and capture them alive—thus avoiding needless bloodshed! Or. two—l can provoke them into 2 wild senseless chase through the streets that will endanger the lives of thousands! No... because I'm standing here nude There must be something really Why? Because I'm a devoted cop? Because bloodshed doesn't affect me? Because sadism doesn’t affect wrone ill mer Because inhumanity doesn't with you, fi ‘Bult [ty eno, of | [ wnat e Te Bulb F]walt He sane = on he roll onsen | tobe sang | isempier | | Look what's Fimand bow | {something Con wibibhtites | | Aare We rin ut || soured ot Listen, Bullbit! Before we go any further, ‘there's one question Id like to ask you! What logical reason can you give me for | not finishing me off wien you had so many ‘chances to shoot me during that chase [I hospital, what excuse would we have for this excitingAt this very moment, JOrganized Crime’s “Mr. ‘Big” is preparing to leave the country! Do you realize what a tremendous challenge Ties ahead of you? i "Yeah Everybody! Hey, buddy! Vd ike some few questions! Oh, ye Take d and dat | Those are the wrong ‘answers! See what comes of not waiting to hear the questions!‘This is awful! How || is bad?? Last week, || they provide ||be an “Inflight|| _ right! ean such shocking|| my fight was over || “Inflight — |] M ‘things happen at || THREE HOURS late|| Movies” for ||we're not even || LIVE “This isterriblet_][You think an HOUR] | But at feast || How can that || You're || Correetiont ‘an airport! taking off! ‘when || Those are entertainment! || in flight”! || ACTORS! Doesn't it bother you? Doesn't it haunt you? When wilt end? Huh? |Win? When’? WHEN? No... pytve had about putting an [Jat the nagging end 10 ¥0U! || "I can stand EEEEEEERKRK'! Nee I'm sorry to |f tt tigures! Even a be the one to |] cop can’t expect to have todo H get away with the this, Bulbit, ff things ve pulled! but you'ee’ |] can probably even arrest! || guess the charges! a. c Nope ...U Nope: friend get Isitfor py Isitfor 7 Isitfor recstess []provoking |] stealing ® [Foner yore ‘riving | gun duels || newspaper || "ober srest through [f'n public ||""from a |) Under artes eciy? || pisces? |} vending, |) Sour gt [] te strest in broad daylight Since the Director SAID SO! You had a golden opportunity topull off the best “Chase Sane” in the whole picture chasing a naked doll downHERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS MAD FOLD-IN More and more concern is being expressed over the problem of Air Pollution. And yet, year after year, one industry consistently pollutes the air while the vast majority of Americans quietly accept it. To find out who this villain is, fold page in as shown. AL JAFFE, FOLOTHS SECTION OVER LEFT ry MNT %.os = ES SE n & hc es: 2 © & Y = = S mS