Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Dng
cm l khi bn cm thy ni s, ng thi vn khng
ngng c gng lm cng vic m bn cho l chnh
ng.
y l mt vic lm dng cm v chn tht: Sng
cng khai v t tin l mt ngi ng tnh, song tnh,
chuyn gii, hay l mt ngi d tnh ng h quyn
bnh ng cho LGBT.
D bn cng khai ln u tin trong i, hay ch l ln
u vi mt i tng c th - qu trnh cng khai
c th l vic quan trng bc nht m bn tng lm
trong i.
Hy ni v mnh.
MC LC
M U
Li ni u 08
Cc thut ng 10
Nhng hiu lm v nh kin thng gp 14
L thuyt khoa hc v cng khai 18
PHN 1: GI CHUNG
Ci m vi chnh mnh 24
- Th no mi l ng tnh? 25
- Giai on phn vn 26
Quyt nh cng khai vi ngi khc 27
Lp k hoch 29
- Tr li nhng cu hi 29
- Cc lu 32
PHN 2: NHNG BI CNH
Cng khai vi gia nh 36
- Trc khi cng khai: Hiu cha m ca bn 37
- Trc khi cng khai: Tm cc ngun h tr 39
- Trc khi cng khai: Chun b ng ph nhng bin ng 41
- Cng khai ln u tin vi cha m 42
- Nu b ngi nh pht hin, bit c th sao? 44
Cng khai vi bn b 46
Cng khai ni cng s 48
Cng khai trng hc 50
PHN 3: NHNG NGI I TRC
- H k 53
- H ni 66
! Khng
LI NI U
L ngi ng tnh, bn c thm mt vic phi lm trong i:
Tha nhn vi ngi xung quanh rng mnh ng tnh. D rng
cng vic lun tim n ri ro (nht l vi nhng ni cn nhiu
nh kin), vic xem l iu ng s hay xem l mt iu
ng lm li nm chnh trong suy ngh v la chn ca bn. S
lo lng v s hi khi bc l mnh l iu bnh thng v hu nh
ai cng tri qua, s khc bit nm ch mi ngi c th vt
qua ni s v i xa n mc no trn con ng khm ph bn
thn v kt ni vi th gii quanh mnh.
Cng khai l mt qu trnh, mt tri nghim, ch khng ch l mt
thi im, mt hnh ng, mt cu ni. C th bn tng nghe
hay c u iu ny, nhng s l khng tha khi trong
tp sch ny chng ti lp i lp li li dn trn. Bi l nu bn
hnh dung cng khai l mt ci g nhanh chng, lm mt pht
v vch ch l xong vic; th c kh nng bn b sc trn thc t.
Thc t l lun cn cc khong thi gian di c bn v ngi
quanh bn lm quen dn vi khi nim ng tnh, vi s bnh
thng ca cc xu hng tnh dc, vi s tt yu cn c quyn
bnh ng cho ngi ng tnh. Thc t l bn cnh cc trng
hp cng khai thun li (nhn c s thng hiu v tha nhn
ca ngi xung quanh), cn rt nhiu trng hp ngi ng
tnh cng khai gp phi s phn i, xm hi, v bo lc.
Nh vy, mt ngi ng tnh c th sng tht l mnh v c
th sng ci m cho mi ngi hiu v mnh i hi lng dng
cm v kin nhn. Ngoi ra, chng ta lun cn s gip v h tr
t bn ngoi, nh cch m tp sch ny mun em li cho bn:
Nhng li gi , b quyt, nhng chia s v mt s cu chuyn
in hnh. Bn c th c tp sch ny theo nhu cu ca mnh:
CC THUT NG
C nhiu ngi ngi ni v ch ng tnh v LGBT v cho rng y
l ti nhy cm v khng bit dng t ng th no cho ph hp.
gip cho cc cuc tr chuyn v trao i ca mi ngi c thun
li hn, chng ti cung cp bng cc thut ng thng dng trong
cm nang ny v trong i sng hng ngy.
LGBT: Vit tt ting Anh ca ngi ng tnh n, ng tnh nam,
song tnh v chuyn gii. (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender)
Xu hng tnh dc: Mt yu t trong tnh dc, th hin bng s
hp dn c tnh bn vng v cm xc, tnh dc hoc tnh cm
hng ti ngi cng gii, khc gii hay c hai. T c cc xu
hng nh ng tnh, d tnh hoc song tnh.
ng tnh: Ngi c cm gic hp dn v tnh cm, th cht vi
ngi cng gii.
D tnh: Ngi c cm gic hp dn v tnh cm, th cht vi
ngi khc gii.
Song tnh: Ngi c cm gic hp dn v tnh cm, th cht vi
c hai gii.
Chuyn gii: L trng thi khi mt ngi c gii tnh sinh hc
khng trng vi bn dng gii hay th hin gii ca h (v d: c
c th l nam v ngh mnh l n, hoc b ngoi nh n). Ngi
chuyn gii lin quan ti vic ngi nhn dng hoc th hin
mnh l nam hay n, trong khi ngi ng tnh li lin quan ti
vic ngi yu ngi cng gii hay khc gii. Qu trnh cng
khai ca ngi chuyn gii s c dnh ni n trong mt cm
nang khc.
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
19
* M hnh rt gn
Sau M hnh Nhn din ca Cass, cc t chc v trung tm lm v
quyn LGBT thng s dng mt m hnh rt gn sau y v 3
giai on trong qu trnh cng khai:
Nhn nhn bn thn
y l khong thi gian khi u khi bn bt u t
nhng cu hi cho mnh, tin dn n bc cng nhn bn
thn v cn nhc xem c nn ni cho nhng ngi quanh
mnh bit hay khng.
Cng khai
y l khong thi gian bn ln u tin tr chuyn, chia
s vi mi ngi v xu hng tnh dc hay bn dng gii
ca bn. Nhng ngi c th l gia nh, bn b, ng
nghip, bn hc,...
Sng ci m
y l khong thi gian t sau nhng ln tr chuyn, chia
s u tin ca bn vi mi ngi. Vi c nhng ngi
thn v ngi mi quen, bn ch ng hn trong vic tm
s v cuc sng i thng ca mt ngi LGBT, ty theo
ni chn v thi im m bn chn.
20
21
22
PHN 1:
GI
CHUNG
Hn ht tt c, ti ngh iu thc y chng ta mun cng
khai l mt bn nng mnh m trong mi ngi, mun c
bit n v c yu thng theo ng con ngi tht ca
mnh.
(Joe Solmonese, cu Ch tch t chc HRC lm v LGBT M)
23
CI M VI CHNH MNH
Nhn nhn v ci m vi chnh mnh l bc i u tin trong c
qu trnh cng khai, cng tc l cng khai vi chnh mnh.
T khi sinh ra n lc trng thnh, hu ht chng ta u ngh
v mnh trong mt khun kh c nh. X hi thng dy rng
chng ta s yu ngi khc gii m thi; v rng con trai con
gi phi c x, suy ngh v trng nh cc hnh mu nht nh
no . Rt t ngi trong chng ta c dy rng mt ngy no
mi chng ta c th gp v yu ngi cng gii, hay ta c th
cm nhn mnh thuc mt gii tnh khc vi gii tnh lc mi
sinh. y l l do chnh v sao nhiu ngi cm thy s hi, lo
lng, bi ri khi ln u i din vi nhng s tht mi v khc
vi nhng g h tng bit.
24
+ Bi ri
+ c truyn cm hng
+ Nh nhm
+ Khng chc chn
+ Chc chn
* Th no mi l ng tnh?
Khng nht thit mt ngi ang hn h hay c cm xc vi
ngi cng gii th l ngi ng tnh.
Khng nht thit mt ngi phi c hnh vi quan h tnh dc
cng gii ri th mi l ngi ng tnh.
Khng nht thit mt ngi ni ra mnh l ng tnh th ngi
l ngi ng tnh.
Tng yu t v cm xc, hnh vi, nhn dng c gi tr c lp ca
ring n cng nh c tc dng ging nh nhng du hiu hu ch
gip chng ta nhn r v bn thn. V vy, xu hng tnh dc
bao gm mt hay tt c cc yu t v cm xc, hnh vi, nhn
dng. Xem bng di y hnh dung r hn c im ca
tng yu t.
* Giai on phn vn
Trong qu trnh cng khai ni chung, giai on phn vn l mt
bc bnh thng v cn thit. l khi bn thy khng chc
chn mnh l d tnh, ng tnh, song tnh; hay nn gi mnh l
g khc. Nhng g bn tng-ngh-mnh-l nay li khng chnh xc
na.
27
28
LP K HOCH
* Tr li nhng cu hi
Khi bn quyt nh s cng khai vi mt hay mt s ngi
no , hy dnh thi gian chun b k hoch. Ngh qua mt lt
cc la chn, lp mt k hoch c th xem ngi l ai v mnh
s chia s vi h khi no, bng cch no. c hnh dung r hn,
bn c th t t cho mnh cc cu hi sau:
Bn quan st thy nhng tn hiu g cha?
Bn c th t phn on xem nhng ngi m bn sp cng
khai ang c quan im th no v LGBT thng qua nhng g h
ni (hay khng ni) khi c ch LGBT xut hin. Hoc bn ch
ng thm d thi bng cch hi h nhng cu hi v ch
LGBT, hay cp vi h v nhng b phim, nhn vt, tin tc c
lin quan n LGBT. Nu h c phn hi tch cc th kh nng h
thng hiu v tha nhn con ngi bn s ln hn.
29
C ai ng h v gip bn c khng?
Nu bn tng cng khai vi ai trc v nhn c s ng h,
bn c th nh ngi tr gip cho ln cng khai ny.
Nu bn cng khai ln u, bn c th nh tr gip nhng
ngi nh l: Nhng ngi LGBT ang sng cng khai; trung
tm lm v quyn LGBT; c s hay ng dy t vn v LGBT;
cha o/s thy c quan im tch cc v LGBT.
Nu bn thy cng thng v lo lng qu mc trc khi cng khai,
hy nh n s tr gip ca chuyn gia tham vn ng tin cy v
LGBT n nh tm l trc.
30
31
* Cc lu
Cng khai vi ngi khc thng gn lin vi i thoi. Cc bn
ni chuyn vi nhau (hay c th vit cho nhau). i thoi l cn
thit v ch thng qua i thoi th cc bn mi bit r nht cu
chuyn l g, vn l g, cch gii quyt ra sao.
Sau y l tng hp nhng lu chung v cng khai v cch i
thoi hiu qu:
1. T tin vi bn thn: Trc khi mong ch ngi khc chp
nhn, bn cn phi chp nhn chnh mnh.
2. Sn sng n nhn nhng kh khn: V bn cn nhn ra
rng v lu di bn s hnh phc hn.
3. Quyt nh ngi u tin s cng khai: Ngi u tin
lun rt quan trng.
4. Chun b cho ngi nghe: Mt cch trc tip hay gin
tip cung cp cc thng tin, kin thc v ng tnh cho h.
Tm hiu quan im ca h v ng tnh ni chung.
5. T on trc nhng cu hi m ngi kia c th t ra.
c bit nhng cu hi lin quan ti nhn dng nh Lm
sao con/anh/ch/em/bn chc chn mnh l ng tnh?
Hy ngh ti phng n trong nhng tnh hung xu nht
c th xy ra.
32
33
34
PHN 2:
NHNG
BI CNH
Bn s tm thy phn ny nhng lu ring cho tng bi
cnh v i tng. c th l s lp li nhng quan trng
nht trong Phn 1: Gi chung nhng c o su hn, hoc l
mt s tnh hung c th khc.
35
36
ni lo ca cha m
Trn an cho cha m l mt vic quan trng bn cn phi
lm khi cng khai. Ni lo ca cc ph huynh lin quan n
nhiu th v con h.
- Sc khe ca con: V ng tnh thng b gn vi bnh
AIDS, cha m s rng con h c th cng mc phi nhng
cn bnh ly truyn qua ng tnh dc nh vy.
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
Khng, u c g u .
5. Cng
44
45
CNG KHAI VI BN B
Khi ti ln u ni ra vi bn mnh, mi chuyn u n, ti bt u khc. Khng
phi v ti s m khc. Ti khc v cui cng cng c ni ra.
(Tho, Vit Nam)
46
47
l chnh mnh ti ch lm
C phi che giu i t ca mnh s lm bn cng thng.
Thc t mi ngi dnh t nht 1/3 thi gian cho cng vic,
cng s cng l mi trng m bn sinh sng. Nu c l
chnh mnh, khng phi giu dim th bn s c iu kin
tp trung vo cng vic hn.
3. S
k th
Vic cng khai ch lm c th nh hng n cng vic,
s nghip ca bn. Cp trn ca bn c th nh kin vi
ngi ng tnh v k th bn bng cch ny hay cch khc;
ri cc ng nghip c th gi khong cch vi bn. Hu
ht cc t chc, doanh nghip Vit Nam khng c chnh
sch hay iu khon no trong hp ng lao ng bo
v cc nhn vin ng tnh khi s k th. Chnh v vy
nu c ai trong cng ty k th bn, bn kh c th t bo v
mnh.
4. S
PHN 3:
NHNG
NGI
I TRC
* H k
3 cu chuyn thc t do cc bn trong cng ng ng tnh Vit
Nam k li.
* H ni
Nhng cu trch dn t nhn vt tht th hin tri nghim v suy
ngm ca h.
51
52
* H k
Cu chuyn th Nht:
Come out cng ging nh cch bn gii thiu mt ly c ph n
vi mt ngi cha bit ung c ph. Nu ung ngay, s ng.
Hy h nhp t t, ung tng ngm nh, ung c ph nht
trc, nh nhng, ri sau mi tng dn v m, cho n khi
h cm nhn c ly c ph tht s.
53
TNH YU CA
M HAY L TI
COME OUT
NH TH NO?
M ni cho con nghe. By
gi khng ch anh hai, m nu
ngay c con sau ny ln ln
c l gay. Ngay c khi hai a
con trai ca m khng ci
v cho m c mt c v
no, khng c a chu no,
m cng s chp nhn. M s
khng on trch g cuc i
ny ht, v l s phn buc
m phi vy. M ch mong hai
con ca m c mt cuc sng
khe mnh, bnh yn v hnh
phc.
l nhng g m ni vi em
trai anh, trong mt bui chiu,
khi thng nhc ti lanh mc
vi m Anh hai l gay, qua
nhng g m n c c trn
Facebook. D nhin, Phi Long
khng h c nh hm hi
g anh hai n, m n ch mun
chia s vi m mt trong
nhng iu quan trng nht
trong cuc i ca anh hai.
M lun l ngi m tuyt
vi, mt ngi thy, ngi
dn ng, v quan trng hn
54
ht l ngi bn gn b su
sc vi cuc i ca hai a
con. C iu g m con khng
ni vi m c?
C iu g m con khng ni
vi m c?
Bn b chi vi anh u bit,
anh cng khai gii tnh vi
tt c mi ngi, tr gia nh.
Anh quan nim vy, bn b
l ngi mnh c th chn
c, ai tt bng, qu mnh
yu mnh, th mnh chi, cn
hng th dp. Cn gia nh,
mnh khng la chn c,
mnh buc phi yu thng
h nh mt s mnh thing
ling, mnh phi yu qu gia
nh trc, ri chuyn h c
thu hiu v thng cm vi
mnh khng, mnh s thuyt
phc sau.
Cng nhiu ln anh ngh
mnh phi ni vi m, phi
cng khai, phi k ra s tht
vi hy vng m hiu mnh.
Nhng anh li s, anh cha
bao gi can m ng
trc m ni ra iu . M
lun coi anh l c cuc i ca
mnh. M t ht nim tin, hy
vng, ht mi tm huyt vo
anh. iu ny va lm anh
56
* H k
Cu chuyn th Hai:
Chnh l trong lc khng hong m ti thy mnh cn phi
lm iu g
57
CON VT XU X
y l cu chuyn v qu
trnh ti tha nhn chnh
mnh nh th no.
Ti cm thy mnh khc bit
t nh. Ti lun t hi ti
sao mt iu t nhin nh vy
li c th khin ti cm thy
tht xa l vi phn cn li ca
th gii. Nm 10 tui, ti
cm thy thch c gio dy piano ca mnh, v ti cn nh
chuyn ny khng ch v l
ngi c tui i ln hn ti
nhiu, m cn v tui ti
cng bit ng l ti khng
nn thch mt ngi n nh
vy. Cui nm lp 6 ti li ny
sinh tnh cm vi mt bn n
trong lp hc thm. n lc
ny ti bt u thy s, nhng
ngh chc nhng chuyn nh
vy s phai dn thi. Tnh cm
ng l c phai, nhng xu
hng thy cun ht vi n
gii ca ti th khng. V sau
ti cn nhiu mi tnh cm
khc na, ko di cho n tui
28 tui ca ti by gi. n
gin ti l nh vy.
Ti phi u tranh vi
chnh mnh rt nhiu. C my
58
giu dim lm ti dn dn ri
vo trng thi trm cm. n
mc t k th mnh. Ti sao l
ti? Ti sao ti sinh ra l ng
tnh trong khi rt nhiu ngi
khc c l d tnh?
Ri mi s ln n cao tro
khi cng mt lc 3 vic xy
n vi ti: b ngoi ti qua
i (ti gn vi b); ngi bn
gi khi chia tay ti; bui
trin lm tt nghip i hc
ch cn 1 thng na l ti hn.
Sut thi gian ti b khng
hong tinh thn, khng bit
cch no thot ra, cng khng
bit ni vi ai, ngh th no (v
cng khng c thi gian ngh
ngi na).
Chnh l trong lc khng
hong m ti thy mnh
cn phi lm iu g . Ln
u tin, ti g t kha tm
kim trn mng l ng tnh
coming out. Vng, nhng
t n gin vy thi m phi
tri qua au n v phi can
m nhiu mi g ra c.
N chng ti ti bt u
hnh ng c thc nhn
vo chnh mnh. Ti cn ln
YouTube v google nhng
b phim v ng tnh. Ti
vui sng bao nhiu khi tm
59
60
* H k
Cu chuyn th Ba:
C nhng gic m bng ha thnh hin thc
C nhng diu k s n t tnh thng
61
vt ra nhng kh khn
sng tht vi chnh mnh.
th 5 nm, chng h l mt
qung ng ngn. Cm xc
i t ht hng, au n, qun
qui n bt chp, mc k v
t ho. N bit rng nu hnh
phc ch l s la di, quen
mt ngi con gi lm va
lng gia nh th l mt
iu s nhc vo mt n. Thi
th c di cha di m theo con
tim m sng, v n bit rng
n sng v tnh yu v hnh
phc ch khng phi l v
ch lm cha m cm thy
khng h thn. M h thn g
c ch, x hi , d lun .
H c mang li hnh phc cho
n u m phi quan tm.
N cng u th qun khong
thi gian 2 m con n ng
bng tnh cm, dng nh
mi iu g cng ch l s lnh
lng n ng s. V n cng
ngh rng, liu rng mnh
s cn cm gic yu thng
trong gia nh ny na chng.
Ri th 2012 li l mt bc
ngot trong cuc i n. Ci
ngy m n chp nhn i
event bn PFLAG lm n sng
s, n thm hnh phc nhng
Vy , n ngy hm nay, n
c cu tr li. Ci gt u
ng n vi v kch c
l chnh mnh ca ICS cho
n mt hy vng ln, n
thy c nh sng ca mt
tri. Lc ba m n n rp, n
lo lm, trong u n c bn
chn v hi hp, n lo th,
t vin vng cho n thc t.
Ba m n n rp m lng n
c thp thm khng yn. V
n s, n s ba n s khng
chp nhn n nh trc kia.
Khi c khn phng c hi
ai ng h ngi ng tnh, n
chy vi ln ng trc
theo di ba n. Tht khng th
tin. M n, v c bit hn l
ba n ng dy. Cm xc
lc y khng c cch no din
t c, tt c nhng gian kh
by lu. Con ng 5 nm
qua cui cng cng n
ch. N chnh thc comeout thnh cng. N cm thy
dng nh gia nh n tr
thnh mt gia nh nh bao
gia nh khc trong x hi, s
yu thng li trn v. N yu
m n, n yu ba n, n yu
nhc, n yu ICS, n yu cng
ng v n yu th gii ny.
63
64
65
* H ni
Ngi ng tnh nhn chung mt khi cm thy mnh c
th cng khai ri th lc by gi vic cng khai cn l trch nhim
ca ngi vi c cng ng ng tnh v cc th h mai sau.
(Rachel Maddow, bnh lun vin truyn hnh, M)
Khi ti cng khai vi gia nh, ti c tm s vic cho bn
mnh nghe. Mt thi gian sau, bn ti cng cng khai vi m c
y mnh l ngi ng tnh, ri ngy hm sau bn nhn tin cho
ti ni rng: Sau khi ni tht vi m xong mnh thy nh nhm,
m c l s khng c th nu khng tng c nhng ngi i
trc lm vic v truyn cm hng. Vi mnh ngi
chnh l bn. Cm n bn v iu .
(Mt ngi ng tnh n, Vit Nam)
Khi bn ni ra vi bn b hay ngi quen, 5 pht u tin l 5
pht kh khn nht. Nhng sau mi chuyn tt p hn ln
v khng cn g chn gia bn v nhng ngi na.
(Mt ngi ng tnh n, M)
66
67
68
A CH THAM KHO
Cc t chc lm v LGBT:
Trung tm ICS
08 3940 5140
www.ics.org.vn
PFLAG Vit Nam - Hi Ph huynh, Ngi thn ca
LGBT Vit Nam
08 3940 5140 (s ni b 103)
www.pflag.vn
Vin nghin cu X hi, Kinh t v Mi trng
04 6273 7933
www.isee.org.vn
Trung tm Sng kin Sc khe v Dn s
04 3577 0261
www.ccihp.org
Trung tm Nghin cu v ng dng khoa hc v Gii Gia nh - Ph n v V thnh nin
04 3754 0421
www.csaga.org.vn
NGUN TI LIU
1. Hip hi Tm l hc Hoa K (American Psychological Association, APA),
Answers to Your Questions About Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality (2008).
[Ti v t www.apa.org/topics/sorientation.pdf.]
2. Hip hi Tm l hc Hoa K (American Psychological Association, APA),
Answers to Your Questions About Transgender people, Gender Identity, and Gender
Expression (2008).
3. Julien D, Chartrand E, Simard M-C, Bouthillier D, Begin J. Conflict, social
support and relationship quality: An observational study of heterosexual, gay male
and lesbian couples communication, Journal of Family Psychology (09/2003),
S17(3), trang 419-428.
4. Vivienne C. Cass, Homosexual Identity Formation: A Theoretical Model, Journal
Of Homosexuality (1979), S 4 (3).
5. Human Rights Campaign, A Resource Guide to Coming out (2010).
6. Anj Ho, What if Im gay (Sayoni, 2010).
7. Ng Yi-Sheng, Singapore Queers in the 21st Century (2006).
8. Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG Hoa K), Our
Daughters and Sons: Questions and Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian and and
Bisexual People (1995).
9. Truth Wins
(12/11/2012).
Out,
<http://www.truthwinsout.org/news/2012/04/24542/>