The Vampire's Castle

Copyright (C) 2015 by Harry Jonathan Chong

Notes
Logline:
An Irish lady, and her sisters, travel to England to rescue their younger brother, who is trapped in an
evil vampire's castle. The castle is full of monsters and booby traps.
Characters:
Evanna X. Lynch (#3.) 21 years old. Has Wavy blonde hair, and blue eyes. Strong. Smart. Is
distrustful of English people, and overly proud to be Irish. Is studying to become a full fledged
archaeologist. Was inspired to do so when she saw the Indian Jones movie. Attends Trinity College.
Likes to run as a hobby. Vegan.
Her family
Margaret Lynch Mom. A nice, religious, gingery lady. Believes in magic, and mythical
creatures. Addicted to reading books. Is a librarian.
Donald Lynch Dad. A retired math teacher, with wild, gray hair. Somewhat eccentric.
Has taken up the hobby of creating various inventions. Has an optimistic personality.
Laura Lynch The Eldest Sister (#1). 28 years old. Is a martial arts instructor and cage fighter.
Ginger like mama Lynch. She once pulled a sword out of a stone. A bit aggressive.
Marilyn Lynch The Second Eldest Sister (#2) 22 years old. Mechanical engineer. Has a s
strong liking for science, naturally, and, like her dad is brunette. On occasion helps her dad
with his inventions. Somewhat pedantic. Sort of at odds with Laura. Afraid of dark. Skeptical.
Winston Lynch The youngest of all. (#4) 17 years old. Trying to break into acting.
Winston travels to England for a job opportunity. Black hair.
Kit Kat The family cat. They suspect this cat to be a genius cat, who has a full grasp of
the English language. Margaret believes Kit Kat is a human in cat form.
Adolphus Koychev Right hand man, and brother to Vladimir Koychev. Half Russian,
Half English. Odd person. Strong. Claims Vlad made his fortune off fashion.
Officer O'Briain, Melvin Town police officers.
Rory the Sheep Shagger from Wales Runs the Vampire Hunter's Guild
Officer Piggly The Welsh police officer.
Domingus Fat train waiter. Is human. His girlfriend is Priscilla. He is looking for her.
Beatrix Hunter The professional vampire hunter.

Father Morose Hip Hop Priest of Termonfeckin's church.

Horris The Head Guard of the Castle

Chapter 1: The People of Termonfeckin

In the north eastern region of Ireland there existed a small, peculiar town named Termonfeckin.
Termonfeckin, besides being known for a place with a swear word in its name, was also the residence
of the Lynch family.
The Lynch family, while not extraordinarily large, lived in a quaint, six story house. Such a
house came into existence during Termonfeckin's boom period, when the Tayto Crisp company had a
factory there. But since moving their factory, and outsourcing all of their production to Afghanistan,
Termonfeckin fell to the wayside.
The whole town became in a disarray, and a lot of people started considering moving away to
Japan. Japan became quite popular in Termonfeckin after a small Japanese magazine named
Termonfeckin cutest town of the year. They were quite pleased with the flattery.
However, the Lynch family decided that they would stay in Termonfeckin, and support the town
they cared about.
The Lynch family consisted of eight members: Parents, Margaret Lynch and Donald Lynch, and
their grown up children, Laura Lynch, Marilyn Lynch, Evanna X. Lynch, Winston Lynch, and their cat,
Kit Kat Lynchplus one gold fish who to this day has remained unnamed.
- Margaret Lynch, age unknown, was an intense redhead, with a high sense of fashion. She
was a librarian, naturally a book lover, and a devout Catholic, and fan of rap music. In the olden days
she'd watch Top of the Pops, and learn about her favorite rap singers. She was quite good at guessing
who would go on to success. When Eminem appeared on Top of the Pops she was heard to remark,
Anyone named after sweets is going to do very well for himself. People love sweets.
- Then there was Donald Lynch. Donald Lynch was a retired mathematics professor. He was a
jolly fellow, had wild gray hair that went every which way. While not as religious as his dear wife, he
enjoyed going to Church, and smoking his corncob pipe. The Father kept insisting he not smoke in
church, and Donald would argue that God works in mysterious ways. To which there was no logical
response.
- Laura Lynch was the eldest sister. She was 28 years old. She had a black belt in several
martial arts, and was a local cage fighter. Her parents didn't like her being so violent, but it was good
for the local economy. Every now and again Conor McGregor would visit, and fight various zoo
animals to drum up more business. One time he fought a kangaroo. The kangaroo won, but everyone
kept quiet because they didn't want to besmirch Conor's name.
- Marilyn Lynch was the second sister, at 22 years old. Like her mother, and Laura, she too was
a ginger. However, she was most like her dad, and was into highly intellectual pursuits. She enjoyed
maths, science, biology, and was a mechanical engineer. She once built a robot to give lonely people
hugs, but had to destroy it when incorrect calibrations made a pregnant lady's baby pop out too early.
The baby was fine, though the pregnant lady was angry, because she wanted her child to be born on
December 25th. Coming out on December the 23rd is not quite as good, it seems. So close, yet so far.
- Evanna X. Lynch was the third. (Like in Ender's Game!) At 21 years old, she was a ravishing
blonde, with icy blue eyes. The family teased her about being adopted, but she knew better; she looked
like Grandma Lynch, who was a famous Irish explorer of the high seas. Similar to Grandma, Evanna
X. Lynch too had desires to travel around the world, and plunder gold...or, you know, just go
sightseeing. It was one of her greatest wishes to go on an adventure in a far off land. After all, she was
studying to be an archaeologist. She became inspired after she saw that Indiana Jones movie during
history class. It was then that she too wanted to run away from a large boulder.
The X in Evanna X. Lynch's name, by the way, stood for Xavier. Her father, Donald Lynch,
thought she would be the last child they'd ever have, so he strongly insisted on giving her a boy's name
in the hopes that she'd fill the void of him not having a son. Furthermore, he was a fan of Professor X

from the X-Men comic books.

Evanna X. Lynch didn't mind having a boy's name for a middle name. However, she disliked it
when people confused her with the actress, who also lived in the same town as her. When she went to
school some of the students would tease her, and call her Luna Lovegood. But she was fairly optimistic
about things. She'd say to herself, At least they don't call me Ron Weasley.
- Winston Lynch, the only teenager in the family, and the youngest of all the siblings. At 17
years of age, with jet black hair, he was quite attractive to the local populace of giggling girls. His
mother, Margaret, would routinely warn him about the voracious nature of teenaged girls. She told him
not to dress like a slag, lest he attract the wrong type of attention, women who only cared about his
dashing good looks. It was Margaret's fear that Winston might meet, and fall in love with, an English
floozy, or worse, a protestant. A bit paranoid you say, but Winston had aspirations to become a big
Hollywood actor. And actors, according to Margaret, were so notoriously loose, and promiscuous to
such a degree that they would eat a knob a night if it meant getting a lead role in a movie. Winston
disagreed. He told his mother that that sort of behavior would most likely lead to indigestion;
doorknobs are not meant to eaten.
Kit Kat Lynch. Gray and puffy, the family cat, who Evanna found on Halloween while going
around distributing pamphlets about the evils of Satan as per instructed by Margaret. On account of this
strange occurrence Margaret firmly believed Kit Kat was the reincarnation of her late, great uncle,
Uncle Herman. When Uncle Herman was alive he was a mischievous fellow that liked going around
smashing Jack-o'-lanterns on Halloween. Margaret never questioned his ways. She just believed that
her lack of understanding was a generational gap they had between them.
Evanna, on the other hand, didn't have such unusual beliefs, and she didn't care what Kit Kat
used to be in his past life. All she knew was that, even counting the people in her life, Kit Kat was her
best companion. Kit Kat and Evanna had an unbreakable animal to human bond, and Evanna believed
Kit Kat was thorougly a genius kitteh.
Kit Kat, perhaps because of her father's influence, could do basic mathematics and dance, and
paint, and play the piano (simple songs only). When relatives would go over to the Lynch place for
dinners, they would all be astounded that a cat could be so intelligent. Some suggested that they make
money off of Kit Kat by making it go on TV.
Evanna and her siblings protested this idea, saying that this would be an undignified way for a
cat to live. Cats should not have to do anything to earn their stay. Being cute, and fluffy was its gift to
the world.
Chapter 2: Family Meetin'
A bell rang throughout the household. That meant only one thing, and the Lynch kids, if you could call
them kids, jumped onto the house slide, and went sliding down to the main floor. Since the house was
so large, having six floors, one floor for each Lynch child, they needed a a quick way to get down, and
a slide did the trick... Also, it was good fun.
What's the matter now? said Winston, jumping onto the middle spot on the big, orange sofa.
Laura, Marilyn, and Evanna took their usual places, then Donald stopped ringing his golden
bell, seeing that his family was all gathered in the living room.
There are a few things your mother and I would like to tell you all, said Donald. So, we shall
begin this meeting. Margaret.
Margaret lit some incense, and waved the air to get the scent moving around.
Laura sniffed the air. Mmm, lavender.
Thought a new scent might help us relax, said Margaret. Or would you prefer we go back to
cinnamon?

Lavender's fine, said Laura.

Donald put on a tall, fuzzy hat, not unlike a royal guard would wear, and unfurled a paper scroll.
He cleared his throat. Evanna, Marilyn, Margaret, Laura, and Winston, as you know Ireland can be
quite prone to tragedy, such as famines, and more famines --
Dad, said Marilyn, you don't need to make your speeches so ceremonial. Just tell us what the
matter is.
P-uh! said Donald. You want me to skip the formalities of our family meetin's? Well, I
never.
You never what? said Evanna.
I don't know, said Donald. No one has ever completed that sentence for me.
Please, children, said Margaret, let's not tease your father, hmm?
All the Lynch children nodded. Donald cleared his throat again.
Now, he said, we have several matters at hand. I will go in no particular order, but first
Margaret, you simply do not add enough salt in my stew. I would like some more salt please.
It's not good for you, said Margaret.
I am well aware, said Donald. But I'd prefer a short happy life to a long miserable one.
Hmm, okay, said Margaret, but only a pinch more.
Second order of business, said Donald. Winston, my son, your mother doesn't like how you
dress. Please, keep your body covered, and your clothes somewhat slack. You don't want people
picking you up solely for your good looks. That could lead to mixing in with the wrong crowd.
What wrong crowd? said Winston.
The English crowd! said Donald, suddenly getting irate. I do not want you mixing with
them. They're no good for you.
What's with all this dislike for the English? said Winston.
Let us no forget the Great Famine, which lasted from 1845 to 1852, said Margaret. Your
great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather met an Englishwoman. And what did she
do to him? She stole his only ration of corn. He nearly died, he did.
I think you have too many greats in there, said Laura.
Some of those were meant as a compliment, said Margaret.
I don't see what my clothes has got to do with me mixing with the English, said Winston.
It's their immoral fashions you're wearing, said Donald. So, birds of a feather stick together.
Hmm, I'll think about it, said Winston.
Next we go on to Laura, said Donald. Laura, no more cage fightin'. It's not good for your
brain.
But what if we're invaded by the English again? said Laura.
Invaded by the English, you say? said Donald.
Ah, yes, remember the Irish War of Independence? said Margaret. It lasted from 1919 to
1921. Was a bloody battle, it was. My great, great, great, great, great, great uncle Seamus was killed in
battle, while trying to protect his collection of ducks.
That was a long time ago, said Donald.
You never know, said Laura. They might rise again, and I'll need to keep in good shape to
defend our family. My uppercuts might come in handy.
Fair play to you, said Donald. Keep on fighting then.
Donald cleared his throat once again.
Would anyone like tea? said Margaret.
We do not drink tea in this household, said Donald. It's an English thing, isn't it?
But I got it as a Christmas present, said Margaret. Plus, tea was originally from China.
China, eh? said Donald. He stroked his chin thoughtfully. Nah. Forget about it. We don't
have time for tea. Let's move on now.

I'm next, aren't I? said Marilyn.

Why, yes, how did you guess? said Donald.
Okay, what is it? said Marilyn.
Please, throw out the Christmas tree, said Donald.
Why? said Marilyn. I like having it around.
It's June, said Donald. That thing should've been gone by April.
Fine, said Marilyn. I'll see what I can do about it.
Alright, said Donald, we have but one matter left. Evanna...
Evanna sat up in her seat. She was worried about what would be said, although nothing really
bad ever was announced at family meetin's.
Yes, father? said Evanna.
Donald stood up, and put down his furry hat.
Actually, said Donald, this will affect the whole family.
Margaret put her arm around Donald to comfort him.
You don't know this, my children, said Donald, but we are in financial straits.
How did this happen? said Evanna.
This home of ours is far too large, said Margaret. All the costs of heating have been putting a
dent on our family wallet.
But the main thing is, said Donald, we shouldn't have built that slide.
That slide is the best thing ever! said Winston.
I know, I know, said Donald, but the cost of construction was more than we could bear.
I knew this meetin' was gonna be bad, said Marilyn.
Now, now, my honey pies, said Margaret, don't fret. We have a plan to dig us out of this
English-style hole.
What plan? said Laura.
Evanna, my tiny honey pot, said Donald, I know this will affect you the most, but...'
Evanna had a nervous look on her face.
We're putting the cat to work, said Donald. We've signed a contract, and Kit Kat will appear
on Britain's Got Talent. After that he will be traveling around the world to do shows.
Evanna jumped up. No! We can't put Kit Kat to work! He's a kitteh! Kittehs should have a fun,
relaxing, leisurely life! His cute, gray puffiness should be enough for us!
Donald began to weep. I'm sorry, my dear daughter. We need to do this. I don't want to make
Kit Kat work like a miserable human bean, but we have no choice. If we don't strum up some money
soon we will lose our home, and be out on the streets, selling our bodies for money. And you know, I'll
be doin' all the work, since nerds are quite in demand these days.
Evanna too started to weep. This is the worst family meetin' ever.
But, said Margaret, Kit Kat will be treated very well. Once he starts working we'll be able to
feed him certified humane, organic chicken, and things like that... CERTIFIED HUMANE.
You don't get it, said Evanna. Kit Kat and I are best friends. We need each other. When he's
out traveling on the road, we won't get to see each other. I will miss him with all my heart.
We can get another cat, said Margaret.
I don't want another cat! said Evanna.
Then she collapsed emotionally, and sunk her head into her arms, crying even more than before.
The rest of the family began to worry that the house would get flooded.
Please, said Margaret. It's not the tragedy you're makin' it out to be. There's no need to be so
lachrymose.
But Evanna couldn't help being lachrymose, and she ran off to her room drenched in tears
which took a while, since she occupied the sixth floor.

Chapter 3: The Secret

After much consternation, and another family meeting, it was decided that the youngest of the Lynches,
Winston, would be taking Kit Kat to Britain's Got Talent, and around the world to earn money for the
family.
Evanna wanted to do it, but had academic obligations, studying archaeology, and furthermore it
was thought that Winston's appearance on the TV could help out his budding acting career. So, with a
sad heart, Evanna hugged her brother, and bade him farewell.
Goodbye, my lil bro, said Evanna. I will miss you, and my dear Kit Kat.
Don't worry, Eves, said Winston. We shall be back before you know it.
The rest of the family, Donald, Margaret, Laura, and Marilyn, also hugged Winston, and then
before they could fully accept it, the young man had left the house, and rode away on a horse to travel
to Dublin Airport.
Finally got some use out of that horse, Donald said in a slightly miffed tone.
Hey, said Evanna, it's not my fault I'm compassionate. He broke his leg at the racetrack, and
they wanted to make him into hamburger meat.
We know, said Margaret, it's okay. You don't need to feel guilty about ol' Charlie Horse. He's
been a good alternative to a lawnmower. Also, we used his manure to help grow those apples.
Laura and Marilyn put down their apples they were eating.
Listen, family, said Donald. I know we're all sad about Winston leaving, but I have a joke to
cheer us up.
Let's hear it, said Margaret.
Donald cleared his throat. Why is Ireland so rich? It's capital is Dublin every year ! Wah-haha!
But no one else laughed. The Lynch women all had blank expressions on their face.
You don't find my joke funny? said Donald. Well, you're all grounded for a week! And he
walked away.
Chapter 4: Talented Kitteh
Winston Lynch went to Britain's Got Talent to show off Kit Kat, and then afterward went traveling
around the world to show of their very smart cat. Kit Kat was in high demand. It seemed he was
famous all across the globe. This had a knock on effect of increasing tourism in Termonfeckin. There
were tourists everywhere, it seemed, looking for their very own genius kitties.
Today, Margaret was baking pies to sell to the tourists passing by. She had a stand outside, and
everything. Their house had become a bit of a tourist site itself.
Get those pies out the oven, Margaret instructed in the kitchen.
Why are we selling pies? said Evanna. Shouldn't we be sellin' hotcakes?
Yes, that makes more sense, said Marilyn. Whenever someone wants to describe something
as selling well, they say, 'These are selling like hotcakes.'
I agree we should make hot cakes, said Laura.
No, no, no, said Margaret. We've already been makin' pies, and gainin' a reputation. We must
stick to it. What if someone comes over here for our great pies, only to find out we've switch to
hotcakes? They'll surely be disappointed. Margaret gasped. What if they left us a bad review on one
of those websites? I couldn't take the criticism. I'm a sweet ol' lady. My heart would give out.
You're not old, said Laura, and if they did leave us a bad review, I would karate kick 'em into
the sun.
Physically impossible, said Marilyn. If your kick was that powerful, the likely case is you
would disintegrate them before they got anywhere.

I'll do that then, too, said Laura.

Now, now, said Margaret. Let's not have such violent thoughts. Help me pack up the pies and
take them out to the stand.
Margaret, Evanna, Laura, and Marilyn went outside, where their stand was. The stand was built
by Donald, and was basically a modified tool shed, with a sign atop.
Hello, my lovely husband, said Margaret to Donald, who was leaning back in a chair, reading
a book. How's business coming along?
Donald put down his book, and looked up. Evanna, Laura, and Marilyn placed the pies down.
Very good, said Donald. We've made plenty of money. Your pies are sellin' like hotcakes.
Where are all the customers then? said Laura.
They're around back, said Donald, takin' pictures of Kit Kat's kitty house.
Margaret stepped around, and looked into the garden. There were hoards of Japanese tourists
taking pictures of Kit Kat's kitty house.
My goodness, said Margaret. It appears Kit Kat is more popular than Jesus Christ himself...
Just joking. No one is more popular than Jesus Christ.
What about the Gangnam Style guy? said Laura.
Who? said Margaret.
He's a Korean singer, said Marilyn.
Mm, Evanna, said Donald, now eating a piece of apple pie, why don't you go and check the
mail?
Evanna went to the mailbox at the end of the walkway. It was a green, white, and orange metal
box, with a little red flag, that sat atop an old wooden post. The colours were such because of the
previous family who lived at the Lynch household. They were Indian.
Let's see what we have here, Evanna said as she reached her arm inside the mailbox.
She pulled out a postcard from Winston and Kit Kat.
Eeee! said Evanna. A postcard from lil bro!
Everyone gathered around Evanna as she read the postcard out loud:
Dear Family,
Kit Kat and I miss you all very much. We are doing very well for ourselves, and we would like
to return home soon from our world tour, but the constant partying (that's a verb here),
excessive booze, and drugs, and women has made me extremely reluctant... Ha-ha!
Just joking. I spend my time reading, watching TV in my hotel room, and playing video games.
I have also managed to gain 10 pounds of extra weight from eating too much food.
Do you know what poutine is?
Love,
Winston L.
Margaret put her hand over heart heart. My goodness, I almost had a heart attack. Write
Winston back, and tell him to stop being a naughty, little, English trickster.
What's poutine? said Donald.
I believe that is the dictator of Russia, said Laura.
Considering the context, said Marilyn, I think it's a type of food.
I hope it doesn't contain animal products, said Evanna. I've recently joined the Vegan
Alliance Group. We have a saying: 'There are two types of people on this planet. Vegans and murderers.

Don't be a murderer.'
That's a grim sayin', said Donald.
We live in grim times, said Evanna.
Actually, said Marilyn, technically speaking, we're living in the safest era ever. Violence has
steadily been on the decline for decades. Globally speaking, this is our least war-like epoch in all of
mankind's history.
Do you ever get tired of being right all the time? said Laura.
Nope, said Marilyn. Never.
As Laura and Marilyn glared at each other, the sound of a half working car was heard by all. A
black funeral car slowly came sputtering, and stuttering down the street.
Oh, look, said Margaret, what an oddly shaped car.
I believe it's a hearse, said Marilyn.
Wait a minute. Did someone die recently? said Donald. Oh, no. It's me, isn't it?! I'm dead!
Like in one of those movies -- I don't know I'm a ghost!
You're not dead, said Margaret. You live on in my memories.
Stop teasin' me, said Donald. I was only jokin'. I know I'm alive and well. I went to the toilet
this morning, and had a big poo. Ghosts can't poo, can they?
Not to my knowledge, said Laura.
Wait a minute! said Evanna. Which one of us is missing?! Aaaaagh, Kit Kat and lil bro have
died while traveling the world! I knew this was a bad idea!
Evanna started weeping.
This is not how they announce someone is dead, said Marilyn. Get yourself together,
please.
The black funeral car went past the Lynch household, and then suddenly it braked, and reversed
its path. It stopped in front of the pie stand. When the hearse door swung open a large man in a large
black coat stepped outside. He looked very unusual, wearing a top hat, gloves, and tinted monocle. He
had long, black, unkempt hair, one glass eye, and a pimp-style walking cane. It was hard to see who he
was as he was covered from head to toe in thick fabric. Very little of his skin was exposed to the sun.
He clip-clopped over to Margaret, who could've sworn she heard him hiss.
Hullo, said Adolphus Koychev in a very deep voice. My name is Adolphus Koychev. How
do you do? May I speak to the man of the house, please?
If you gots business here, said Margaret, the lady of the house is just as good. That's equality,
isn't it?
I'm sorry, said Adolphus, as a half-Russian, I do not believe in this foreign concept.
Half Russian, huh? said Laura. And what's the other half? JERK? Are you half jerk? Is half
of you a jerk?
English, said Adolphus.
Same thing, said Donald. Hey-o!
Father, Evanna interjected, your cruelty to the English knows no bounds. I must protest.
As must I, said Adolphus. My abominable nature comes mainly from my proud Russian
heritage. The self-deprecating portion is from England.
Okay, so what are you doing here? said Marilyn. In a hearse, no less.
I am here on behalf of my brother, said Adolphus, Vladimir Koychev. He is a rich man, who
made his vast wealth from fashion.
What sorts of fashion? said Margaret.
He invented leggings, and those brownish-yellow, Eskimo-style boots, said Adolphus. Time
Magazine called him the Joseph Stalin of Fashion. That particular magazine is now on display in his
office.
And what can we do for this Vladimir fellow? said Donald.

Adolphus adjusted his glass eye. He went into his big black coat, and took out a wad of cash. It
must've been at least several thousand Euros.
My brother Vladimir wants to buy your cat, said Adolphus. He was quite pleased when he
viewed it on TV.
Evanna jumped up, and waved her arms. OUR CAT IS NOT FOR SALE! BEGONE, YOU
EVIL, UGLY MAN!
Ugly, yes, said Adolphus, but evil, no. ...Wait, I mean 'evil, yes, but ugly, no.'
You have a glass eye, said Margaret.
In Russia this is a sign of toughness, said Adolphus, and I am considered to be very
handsome. Would any of you young women like to marry me?
Donald and Margaret protectively stepped in front of their three daughters.
Look, mister, said Donald. We're not interested in selling our cat. You'll have to leave now.
Adolphus took in these words, and was silent for a moment, but then he burst out, and begin
yelling at the very top of his lungs.
I WILL KILL YOU ALL! he said. I WILL MURDER EVERYONE HERE, AND CARRY
YOU OFF IN MY HEARSE RUSSIAN-STYLE!
Back off! said Laura, and she tornado kicked Adolphus in the head.
Adolphus was stunned, and fell back. But he regained his senses, and stood up.
I can see I'm not wanted here, he said, and he went back into his hearse, and left.
Good riddance, said Evanna.
Chapter 5: Engrand
With Kit Kat riding atop his head, using his hair as a cushion, Winston found himself in the heart of
merry old England. To be precise, London, England. The duo had a show to do, but there was a good
amount of time before it began, and they were walking around, taking in the sights, and sounds as any
tourist would.
Bloody Jesus Christ, said Winston. This city smells like piss and vomit.
He pinched his nose, and headed towards a pub. Not that the pub would smell any better, but he
wanted to get something to drink. He looked up at the name of the pub. The place was called The Owl
Snail. Their mascot was a snail with the head of an owl.
Amused at this hybrid creature, Winston made a mental note of it in his head. He then went on
inside The Owl Snail. Inside was humid, musky, and dim. There were all sort of different people here,
looking to forget their woes, or possibly pass out, and wake up in the middle of nowhere.
Hello, bartender, said Winston, how do you do?
The bartender, a 300 pound woman, with yellow hair that went down to her waist, stared at
Winston, and said in a heavy, cockney accent, What can I do for yah, love?
I'd like a drink, said Winston.
The bartender named Emma placed a pint of Guinness before Winston.
This isn't what I want, said Winston.
What you mean? said Emma. Ain't yous Irish? It's either that or you got head problems.
I'm sorry, I'm not having any alcohol, said Winston.
Well, I'll be, said Emma. You're the fist person who's ever come in 'ere and said that.
Really? said Winston.
Yup, said Emma, an' you're also the first person to come in here with a cat rested on his
head. Is that the new fashion these days? The cat is the hat, is it?
Winston laughed. No, miss. This is my famous cat, creatively named Kit Kat. He can do all
sorts of tricks. Would you like to see one?
I'm not doing anything important here, said Emma. Sure, let's see what the little bugger's

got.
Winston put Kit Kat down on the bar counter, and whispered into his ear. Then the next moment
Kit Kat hopped up on its hind legs, stood like a person would, and started to do a dance. Emma's jaw
dropped.
Holy cock and balls! said Emma. He's doin' the Charleston 'e is!
I know, said Winston.
As Kit Kat danced a crowd of Japanese tourists gathered around. They stood, surrounding Kit
Kat, and took photos, and video of this most amusing sight.
Such super fun, said one of the tourists.
Oh, you haven't seen the half of it, said Winston. He can do more.
Winston whispered into Kit Kat's ear again. Instantly Kit Kat, still on his two legs, hopped back,
and started doing the Moon Walk. Just about everyone lost their minds. It was like their brains had
melted, or exploded, or something. They just stood there, shaking with excitement. They roared
enthusiastically, not believing what they had just seen.
Really such super fun! said one of the tourists, who was clapping.
Thank you, thank you, said Winston, doing a little bow. Your applause is much appreciated!
Emma was so impressed. She poured Winston a glass of banana flavored milk and told him no
charge. Winston glugged it down, and wiped off his mouth. He picked up Kit Kat, and put him back on
his head to rest.
Welp, I must be going now, said Winston. We have a show to do. So long, friends.
The crowd then parted, and Winston went to the door to leave. But as he was about to exit The
Owl Snail a familiar looking man approached him.
Hello, said Adolphus Koychev, extending his hand. How do you do?
How do I do what? said Winston.
Adolphus Koychev grabbed Winston's arm and shook it anyway.
I would like to speak to you in private, he said. If that is perhaps maybe possible.
I have to go somewhere, said Winston. So, I'm not sure if that is perhaps maybe possible.
I can take you, said Adolphus. I have a mode of transportation.
I dunno, said Winston, I really --
PLEASE! said Adolphus, clasping his hands together, I am begging you! With all of my
hearts!
Hearts? said Winston.
Please! said Adolphus. It will not be too long! I assure you!
Hmm...alright, said Winston, hoping to appease Adolphus, and make him go away. Where
are we going to talk?
Adolphus opened the door to the pub. Just outside of course.
So, Winston and Adolphus left the pub, and went outside. Winston looked at the hearse by the
curbside.
Gee, who died? said Winston.
That is my hearse, said Adolphus. Would you like to chat in there, while I take you to your
destination?
Rather not, said Winston.
It's empty, said Adolphus. Not a soul in there.
No, thank you, said Winston. What did you want to discuss?
Adolphus leaned against his cane as is exasperated. I would like to purchase your cat. I can
offer you lots of money.
No way, said Winston. Kit Kat is a member of my family. I'd never sell a member of the
family. I don't care if you offer me all the chocolate in the world, or a significant portion of it.

Adolphus grinned. I have something better than chocolate.

What could be better than chocolate? said Winston.
A million Euros, said Adolphus.
Winston's eyes went wide. W-w-w-one million Euros?!
Adolphus nodded.
Winston shook his head. I don't believe it. Where's the money, hmm?
I do not carry it around with me, said Adolphus. It is a good way to get robbed.
I won't agree to a thing till I see it, said Winston. Mama didn't raise no fool.
Yes, said Adolphus, as you wish.
And Adolphus went over to his hearse, and popped open the back. A man of extraordinary
strength he pulled out the coffin that was in the back. It rested at an angle, both against the hearse, and
the ground, so that it was facing Winston.
Winston trembled, feeling nervous. He wasn't too keen on seeing a dead body, and he was sure
that Adolphus was a crazy man, and was certainly going to show him that. But Adolphus did not.
Instead he simply opened the coffin, and revealed a neatly arranged collection of notes, adding up to
what seemed at least a million Euros.
Wowza, said Winston. You weren't kidding around, were you? Oh, it's so much money. I feel
discombobulated right now.
It could all be yours, said Adolphus. All you have to do is give me your cat.
But, but, Evanna, said Winston. She will be extremely depressed if I sell Kit Kat. There will
be a pool of tears, which I will certainly drown in. Metaphorically speaking.
Forget about this Evanna, said Adolphus, she is a whore! Come, sell me the cat, and be
wealthy beyond a homeless person's imagination!
Wait, did you just call my sister a whore? said Winston.
No, said Adolphus. What are you talking about?
Up there! said Winston. I can see it just a few line above! It clearly says whore.
Okay, look, words were said, said Adolphus, but I did not really mean them. I was in the heat
of the moment. Forgive me. I only want to close this deal.
I don't know, said Winston. This seems like a really big decision. I need to think about it.
How long? said Adolphus.
One moment, said Winston, and he went in his pocket, and retrieved a fortune cookie. He
broke the fortune cookie, and read the slip of paper aloud: Do What Your Heart Tells You.
Adolphus stared at Winston, who then declared, Alright! I will, Fortune Cookie! and he took
Adolphus' hand, and shook it. We have a deal, strange sir.
Excellent, said Adolphus. Now, may I have the cat?
Adolphus provided a cage in which to keep Kit Kat. Winston was reluctant.
You'll treat him well, won't you? said Winston.
Yes, said Adolphus. I am good to animals.
Winston hesitantly put Kit Kat went into Adolphus' cage. Kit Kat seemed a bit shaky, and began
meowing loudly.
Now, said Winston, raising his voice, do you have a bag in which I can keep all this
delicious money?
I have something better, said Adolphus, a box.
A box? said Winston.
Suddenly Adolphus grabbed Winston, and threw him into the coffin, and closed the lid. He
locked it with a lock, and shoved it into his hearse.
Help! said Winston. Help! I'm afraid of the dark! I'm really embarrassed about it, but I'm a
scared!
Mwah-ha-ha, Adolphus laughed. It seems you got more than you bargained for. Mwah-ha-

ha... Mwah-ha-ha... Mwah-ha-ha!

Kit Kat hissed at Adolphus. The docile kitty knew he had made a mistake by letting Winston
and Adolphus trap him in a cage. Much regrets were had in his small cat brain.
Now, said Adolphus, we go.
And Adolphus took Kit Kat along, and went into his hearse. He drove off as Winston screamed
for help, terrified he was going to die.
Chapter 6: Where Is Winston?
Winston found himself in a cold, dark room. The only light was from a candle, and a marble-sized hole
in the stone brick wall that let in a draught, and scant amount of moonlight. Winston had no idea
exactly where he was. The only thing he was sure of was his miserable conditions. He was fed a diet of
plain water, and bread, with Marmite, and he had to relieve himself in a rusty bucket as rats, and
cockroaches scurried around his feet. The bed he had was nothing but a collection of straw, and the
only book he was given to read was a biography of Margaret Thatcher.
Tonight Winston sat at his desk. With a threat on his life, he was being forced to write a letter to
his family, to tell them that everything was going okay, and that they need not look for him. Winston
was trying to concoct a plan in his head to give them a secret message, but he wasn't really sure how. If
he did use some sort of code, which member of the Lynch family would be able to figure it out?
I'm doomed! said Winston.
Winston dropped his head down onto his desk. But then he suddenly lifted it when he had an
idea. He began writing.
Dear Family,
How do you do? You've probably been wondering what I've been up to. Well, let
me assure you that everything is going great. I love it here in merry ol' England.
I think I'll be staying for a bit long, since this is such a great place. The food is
amazing, and the women are the most beautiful women I've ever seen. The weather
isn't bad either, all things considered. I believe I shall be residing here for quite
some time. However, I will miss you all, and I love you. Take care.
Sincerely,
Winston Lynch
I hope this works, said Winston.
He then went to his door, which was firmly locked, and gave it a knock. Knock! Knock! A
moment after a panel slid open, and a face peeked in. It was Adolphus. Adolphus, it was noticed, had a
red stain on his upper lip, and he spoke in a slithering voice.
Are you finished? said Adolphus.
Yes, said Winston. You can send it off to Ireland now.
Adolphus took the letter from Winston, and murmured while reading it.
Is everything in order? said Winston.
Adolphus finished reading the letter. But then he went over it again.
What's the matter? said Winston, with a bullet off sweat on his forehead. Do you not like the
letter?
I am checking for any sorts of code, said Adolphus. Underlying, italics, unusual symbols,
and the like. So far I am not seeing anything.
The letter's okay then? said Winston.

I believe it is so, said Adolphus.

Adolphus closed the panel on the door, and left. Winston crossed his fingers, hoping his plan
would work.
Chapter 7: Winston!
One week later Winston's letter to the Lynch family arrived in the mail. Daddy Lynch read it aloud in
the living room for everyone to hear.
Oh no! said Marilyn. Winston's in trouble!
What makes you say that? said Laura.
He wrote the from England, said Marilyn. Am I right?
Right, said Laura.
Well, in his letter, Marilyn explained, he says that the weather isn't bad. Then he goes on to
compliment their food. But above all he tells us the women there are the most beautiful he's ever seen
! Does no one find this suspicious?
I admit his disposition is rather sunny, said Donald. But you know kids they're always trying
to jump on the latest and greatest trends. England seems quite popular these days. It's because of that
book series. Now tourists think the place is magical or something. But it's not magical. None of it is. It's
dreary, and gray, and everyone there is evil, and they worship Satan.
That's not true, said Evanna.
No, I do think Winston is in trouble, said Margaret. I can feel it in my bones. Something is
wrong with him. Last night I had a dream he turned into a crocodile. You know what that means.
What's it mean? said Laura.
Crocodiles are the saddest creatures, said Margaret. They're known for crying.
Listen, said Evanna. I know we're all proud to be Irish, but we mustn't jump to the wrong
conclusions just Winston is in England, and he's enjoying himself.
Okay, said Margaret, admittedly, the compliments about the food are not that suspicious.
Maybe he went to a foreign restaurant? And perhaps global warming has improved England's weather
conditions. But what's all this about the women there being the most beautiful he's ever seen? How can
they be more beautiful than the little adoring women we have here, hm?
I know Winston, said Marilyn. He likes his women like he likes his coffee: Irish.
He what? said Evanna.
So, said Donald, you really all think my dear son is in trouble now?
Marilyn grabbed Donald, and stared him dead in his eyes.
Something is amiss, she said.
We should call the police, said Evanna.
Good idea, said Margaret.
I'll take care of that, said Laura.
Laura grabbed the telephone, and dialed emergency services. She requested to talk to the police.
The police responded.
Hullo! said Officer O'Briain. Ireland's finest, how may I help you?
I'd like to report a missing person, said Laura. His name is Winston Lynch.
Winston Lynch did you say? said Officer O'Briain.
Yes, said Laura. Winston Lynch of Termonfeckin.
Over the phone, typing on a keyboard was heard.
Ah, here we go, said Officer O'Briain. I've found him on this social networking website...
Face? Book?
So, you know what he looks like and all? said Laura.
Margaret, Donald, Evanna, and Marilyn leaned in around Laura to listen.

Yes, said Officer O'Briain. Clear as day.

Now what? said Laura.
We will get back to you once we find him, said Officer O'Briain. I'll put every officer on
notification, including Scotland Yard.
Oooh, fancy, said Laura, Scotland Yard.
Not that fancy, said Officer O'Briain in an annoyed tone.
Sorry, said Laura. Didn't mean to offend. Am sure your police force is just as good.
Well, you've already hurt my feeling, Officer O'Briain weeped. Good day to you!
Laura hung up the phone.
So, the police will be looking for our dear boy? said Margaret.
I think so, said Laura.
One hour later there was a knock at the door. The Lynch family went to answer it. There was
Officer O'Briain, a large, stout fellow, standing before them.
Hullo! said Officer O'Briain. Fine weather we're having today, innit?
Yes? said Margaret.
I'm here about your son, said Officer O'Briain.
Everyone's ears perked up.
What about our son? said Margaret.
Officer O'Briain lowered his head. I'm sorry, but...your son is dead.
Suddenly the entire Lynch family began to cry, mourning the loss of their beloved Winston.
Ha-ha-ha! Officer O'Briain laughed. I'm just kidding around. He's not dead. I lied.
Donald growled. What sort of joke do you think that is?!
A funny one, said Officer O'Briain. Well, at least I laughed, and that's all that matters.
What do you want? said Margaret, with folded arms.
Good news, everyone, said Officer O'Briain. I've found your son!
Officer O'Briain stepped aside to reveal Winston Lynch.
What? Who is this? said Marilyn.
Laura and Evanna scratched their heads, wondering too, as they stood in front of a strange, old
man, wearing a rumbled suit, and suspenders.
The strange, old man hugged Margaret and Donald. Mom! Dad! I missed you!
What is this thing? said Donald.
It's your son, said Officer O'Briain. Winston Lynch.
This is not our son, said Margaret. He's older than us. By several decades.
I knew he was old when I saw his suspenders, said Laura.
I think there's been a mix up here, said Marilyn.
Are you sure? said Officer O'Briain. His name really is Winston Lynch. I checked his
identifications.
This is not my brother, said Evanna. First of all, my brother has hair. Second of all, he's not
Asian.
He's only half Asian, said Officer O'Briain. Obviously, his last name is Lynch, so he is of
mixed ethnicity.
Do any of us here look Asian? said Margaret.
Okay, okay, said Officer O'Briain, so I've made a mistake. But you know, Termonfeckin's
police force is only made up of two people: me and my brother, Melvin. And Melvin isn't even that
good at his job. I'm doing all the real work. But what do you expect from someone named Melvin?
Please, said Donald, we'd like it if you left now. Thank you very much for trying to help
however.
Alright, said Officer O'Briain, I'm going. Good day to yah.

Officer O'Briain began walking away.

But Donald cleared his throat to get his attention. And please take this thing away as well!
Oh, right, said Officer O'Briain. He gestured to the Winston Lynch he brought along. Come
on, old man. Maybe you're missin' somewhere else.
And Winston Lynch let go of Donald, and was then escorted away by Officer O'Briain.
Chapter 8: The Hunt Is On
We have to find Winston, said Evanna. We must!
But how? said Margaret. How?
Evanna wracked her brain. Ummmm, magic?
Magic? said Donald. MAGIC?!
Fine, no magic, said Evanna.
Relax, said Marilyn, I have a plan.
What's your plan? said Laura.
Winston took a mobile phone with him, said Marilyn.
And? said Laura.
I installed an application on his phone to spy on him, said Marilyn. I can also track his
location.
Wait, you what? said Laura.
Never mind why I did it, said Marilyn. We can find out where he is. Follow me, if you
pelaes.
And so everyone went up to Marilyn's room, where she kept her computer. Marilyn's room has a
strong resemblance to a science lab. There were all sorts of unusual pieces of technology lying around,
and a large poster of Albert Einstein stuck on the ceiling.
Marilyn sat down, and opened a computer application called Stalk Me.
Alright, here we go, she said, typing on her keyboard, Winston's approximate location...
The software on Marilyn's computer indicated that Winston was indeed still in England, but no
longer in London. He was to the north in a placed called Doobendubenshire.
There he is, said Marilyn. What's he doing in Doobendubenshire?
Hey, maybe Winston isn't missing, said Evanna. Maybe he's just hangin' out.
Wait, said Laura, this makes no sense. Why don't we just call his mobile phone to check up
on him?
We already did that, said Marilyn. It kept going to his voice mail.
Wait, when did you do this? said Laura. I don't remember.
We don't have to do everything together, y'know, said Marilyn.
Laura frowned. I thought we were a team.
Quiet, said Marilyn. I'm printing out a map of Winston's location.
A minute later a paper map was printed out.
Okay, shall we inform the police now? said Donald.
I'll call Scotland Yard, said Margaret.
Margaret called Scotland Yard. Scotland Yard told Margaret they were busy arresting people for
offensive language, and movie piracy. They couldn't do anything to help Winston, other than keeping
an eye out.
Unbelievable! said Margaret, hanging up the phone. They told me they were too busy to
help! The nerve!
Ah, it seems we're in some hot stew here, said Donald.
So, what do we do about Winston then? said Evanna. And what about Kit Kat? Did everyone
forget about poor Kit Kat in all of this? He's my best friend.

We've called the authorities, said Margaret. What's left for us to do?
I think it's obvious, said Marilyn. We sit down, and wait, until something happens.
What? No, said Laura. We have to travel to England, and find our brother!
And our cat! said Evanna.
Yes, said Laura, and our cat! WHO IS WITH ME?
I am! said Evanna.
Me too! said Marilyn.
And Marilyn, Evanna, and Laura put their hands together in solidarity. Then they stared at their
parents, who were saying nothing.
I have chores to do around the house, said Margaret. Lots of chores and different things.
Aye, and my bones are achin', said Donald. I couldn't possibly go to England. But even if I
was in good health, I'd never go there anyway. England has way too many English people in it.
You're anti-English! said Evanna.
Am not, said Donald. Where'd you get that idea from?
Never mind, said Evanna. We'll strike out on our own. Just the three Lynch sisters!
Evanna, Laura, and Marilyn all at the same time, threw up their hands, and declared their
loyalty to Dear Winston, and Kit Kat.
For Winston and Kit Kat! they proclaimed.
Chapter 9: Damn You, Iceland!
Donald and Margaret emptied out their savings account, using what money they had left to provide a
trip to England for Evanna, Marilyn, and Laura, in order that they could find their beloved son, and
equally beloved cat.
At the airport Donald and Margaret hugged their three daughters, preparing them to leave for
their flight.
Take care of yourselves, said Donald. And don't talk to any English people, unless it's to find
Winston, or Kit Kat.
I promise, I won't, said Evanna.
And, Marilyn, said Margaret, be sure to carry an umbrella. You don't want to get sickf rom
wetness.
I know, said Marilyn.
Laura, said Donald, my dear daughter. Try not to get into any fights. It won't do you any
good to punch everyone who makes yah angry.
I'll only use my martial arts for self defense, said Laura.
Donald let out a breath.
Okay then, he said. I guess that's all we have to say. My sweetie pies, find Winston and Kit
Kat, but also enjoy yourselves a little.
Not too much, said Margaret.
Then everyone had a chuckle. Marilyn, Laura, and Evanna hugged their parents once again, and
went off to prepare for boarding.
As the three Lynch sisters found themselves in a very long queue, waiting to be probed by a a
security agent, an announcement was made over the Tannoy system: Hello, everyone. This is Gus
McGuff speaking. Due to an unexpected volcanic eruption in Iceland, all flights will be grounded. If
anyone is curious the name of the volcano is....................You know what, never mind the name of the
volcano. Fact of the matter is you're all stuck here. Or you can take a taxi home. Thank you, and good
bye.
Well, said Evanna, it seems we won't be goin' to England to rescue lil bro, and Kit Kat.

By the way, said Gus McGuff over the Tannoy, there will be no refunds issued for your
canceled flights. There's a clause on our website that says we cannot be help responsible for 'Force
Majeure.' I know it sucks, but look on the bright side, at least you won't have the risk of flying on our
airplanes. The majority of our pilots are addicted to cocaine. Much like Jon Jones.
Who's Jon Jones? said Evanna.
He's a mixed martial artist, said Laura.
Who cares who he is? said Marilyn. We're screwed over now, don't you see? DAMN YOU,
ICELAND! DAMN YOU TO STYX!
Laura stepped out of the queue. Come on. Let's go home.
Evanna lowered her head and sighed. Ah, but what about Kit Kat? And lil bro? They're out
there all alone in England.
Wait, said Marilyn. I'm gonna go get this straightened out.
How? said Laura.
You'll see, said Marilyn.
Marilyn walked over to a bench, and sat down. She went into her suitcase, and took out her
laptop. She turned it on, and began typing furiously. Laura and Evanna went over to her to see what she
was doing. All they could see was a black screen, and what seemed to them a random assortment of
green characters, letters, and numbers.
What are you doing? said Laura.
I'm hacking into their system, Marilyn said in a low voice. Be vewy, vewy quiet.
Wow, said Laura. I had no idea computers could do that... I had no idea you could do that.
Shush, said Marilyn. This is going to take a while.
6 hours later...
Lord Jesus, said Laura, are you finished yet? We've been here for six hours.
My feet hurt, said Evanna.
This isn't the movies, said Marilyn. I... Wait! I got it! He-he! And there we go.
What did you do? said Laura.
Marilyn pointed up. Listen.
The Tannoy system came on again. Gus McGuff addressed all travelers in the airport.
Hello, said Gus McGuff. Remember how all flights were canceled, and we told you we
wouldn't issue refunds? Good news, everyone. All flights are grounded, but apparently, everyone is
entitled to a double refund for the inconvenience, in cash, and we must provide tickets for a ferry, and
train, if you're headed eastward. Heh. I always thought this airline was full of jerks, but I guess not.
Anyways, take your tickets to the customer service, and this whole debacle will be sorted. Thank you
very much.
Whoa, hey, said Laura. What did you do?
I found some photos of the airline CEO cheating on his wife, said Marilyn, and I told him if
he didn't give into my demands, I'd send them straight to the DailyMail.
You blackmailed someone! said Evanna.
Shhh, not so loud, said Marilyn.
My goodness, said Evanna.
Color me impressed, said Laura. I can't believe you hacked into the airline's system. In 6
hours.
Actually no, said Marilyn. I failed miserably at that.
Huh? said Laura.
It was while I was trying to hack into the airline's system that I got a hare-brained scheme,
said Marilyn. I thought if I could get into the CEO's e-mail, by guessing his security question, I could
find something compromising. And I did.

Wait, said Laura. So, all you did was guess his e-mail's security question?
Yep, said Marilyn.
What was the security question? said Evanna.
'How big is my wiener?' said Marilyn. At first I was going to answer 'tiny' but then
remembered that the CEO of this airline is a man. So, I typed in 'HUGE' with capital letters, and I got
into e-mail account. Pretty clever of me, huh?
Not that clever, said Laura.
Oh, like you could do better, said Marilyn.
Maybe I could, said Laura.
Come now, said Evanna. We're family. Let's stop the arguing or I may burst into tears.
Hm, she's right, said Marilyn. We are family.
She ain't wrong there, said Laura.
Okay, said Evanna, then let's get our refunds, shall we?
Marilyn, and Laura nodded, then the three sisters went to the service counter to get their
refunds, and also collect their train, and ferry tickets.
Chapter 10: Ferry First
After informing their parents about their delay, the Lynch sisters embarked on a large steam powered
ferry to get to the the balmy shores of the country known as Wales. They went onto the frigid, choppy
waters, and set sail.
The Lynch sisters were in the dining hall. While Evanna and Laura ate jelly and mushy peas,
Marilyn was holding her belly, sick from the motion of the boat.
Are you okay? said Evanna.
I'm going to throw up, said Marilyn.
Just don't do it in my lap, said Laura.
I have some ginger sweets, said Evanna. Would you like some?
Evanna gave Marilyn some ginger. Marilyn gobbled it up, but it seemed to have no effect. She
only held her belly even more.
It made it worse, said Marilyn.
Then feeling more ill than before, she got up, and ran off to the toilets, where she threw up.
After flushing, she came out of the bathroom stall, and encountered a strangely dressed woman,
inspecting herself in the mirror. The woman, who appeared to be in her late 30s, had on a dark trench
coat, a fedora, and a jumbo sized crucifix on a silver chain. Most noticeable was the scar she had over
her eye.
Marilyn went to the far end sink, and began rinsing out her mouth. While doing so, this
strangely dressed woman, named Beatrix Hunter kept a keen an eye on her, making her somewhat
uncomfortable.
Marilyn looked up. Can I help you with something?
Beatrix Hunter had a deep voice for a woman. Nothing. I'm just staring at you because I fear
for your life.
What? said Marilyn. She stood straight.
No need to be alarmed, said Beatrix. I'm not here to harm you. I was just thinking. You're
going to die today.
Are you mad? said Marilyn.
Beatrix approached Marilyn. I'm not mad. I'm only concerned.
If you're so concerned why don't you tell me what the eff you're going on about? said
Marilyn.

Beatrix raised her voice. THERE IS A STORM COMING.

A big storm? said Marilyn.
Big storm, small storm, said Beatrix, it doesn't matter. Either way the skies will be
darkened.
I'm not afraid of the dark, said Marilyn. Well, I am, but the boat has lights.
There is no better light than the sun, said Beatrix, and that's what concerns me.
Okay...? said Marilyn.
My friend, said Beatrix, I don't think you understand what no sun means.
Pale Irish skin? said Marilyn.
Yes, said Beatrix, but more importantly VAMPIRES.
Marilyn laughed. Ha! How old are you? Sixteen?
I'm serious! said Beatrix. Vampires are real. The only reason people don't believe in them is
because of books and movies. Somehow the monsters were pigeonholed into the realm of fiction, but I
tell you they're real, and their numbers are rising, like UKIP supporters.
Yeah, okay, Marilyn said, dismissively.
Beatrix went into her pocket, and handed Marilyn a bottle of water.
Here, she said, take this.
I'm not really thirsty, said Marilyn.
It's holy water! said Beatrix. Keep it with you. I have a feeling we will get attacked by
vampires when the storm arrives. It seems they're getting bolder as each day passes. Keep it close to
you. If a vampire attacks splash it on his face, okay?
Marilyn rolled her eyes. I'll be sure to do that.
I saw you rolling your eyes, said Beatrix.
So, what? I'm already gone! said Marilyn, and she ran out of the washroom like a cheetah.
Hey, said Beatrix, she forgot to wash her hands! Ee-yuck!
Marilyn returned to the dining hall. She sat down with Evanna and Laura. Evanna rubbed
Marilyn's back.
Are you feeling okay now? she said.
I think so, said Marilyn. But I met this crazy dame in the washroom.
Crazy how? said Laura.
She told me vampires exist, said Marilyn. Heh. What a silly eejit.
You never know, said Evanna. She could be right. Remember how we all thought
leprechauns didn't exist? And then last year they discovered one in our town.
I'm sorry, said Marilyn, I won't believe it until I have some evidence.
You're always about the evidence, aren't you? said Laura. How about a little leap of faith
once in a while?
Faith is for fools, said Marilyn.
Then suddenly the lights to dining hall flashed, and the room tilted with the sound of thunder,
and rain.
What was that? said Evanna.
A storm, said Laura.
A storm? said Marilyn.
Yes, a storm, said Laura.
Oh no, said Marilyn.
Why 'oh no'? said Laura.
The scary lady from the washroom, said Marilyn. She told me, in an ominous, scary voice,
that there'd be a storm.
So what? said Laura. She probably had a weather app on her phone.'

Yes, but she also told me, said Marilyn, that vampires appear durin' storms. I think she
expects the ship to have vampires or something.
Not two minutes ago, said Laura, you called the toilet lady a 'silly eejit.' What happened?
You lose confidence?
No, I'm a complex woman, said Marilyn. One minute I'm this, and the next I'm that. I also a

Before Marilyn could finish speaking the lights to the dining room went off completely, and the
rain, and thunder became even louder than before. The passengers in the dining room let out an audible
gasp. A moment passed, and then they took out their mobile phones to light their surroundings.
Thank goodness for technology, said Evanna, holding her phone, which was shining a white
light.
What about when you need to make a call? said Laura. Or find out an obscure fact on
Wikipedia?
Turn that off, and conserve your battery, Marilyn told Evanna. I have something better.
Marilyn took out a bright, LED torch. It cast a beam of brilliant illumination, far more powerful
than the screen of any mobile phone.
That's better, said Marilyn.
It really sets the mood, said Evanna. Why don't we tell spooky stories?
As Laura was about to reply, the ship was rocked by a wave on the water, and the dining room
tilted so much that everyone went sliding to the right. Many lost hold of their mobile phones, and some
lost their senses. Then the floor leveled itself, and things became calm. An employee, who was rubbing
his head because of a bump, came out with a torch, and told everyone to calm down, that the storm
would subside.
Chillax, he said.
Meanwhile, the Lynch sisters found themselves behind their table that was now on its side.
They popped their heads up to see what had just happened. While Evanna scanned the dining hall she
noticed a large, shadowy figure enter the room. When it stepped forward there was a flash of lightening
revealing the full details of its face.
It was just a man, an ordinary man. Though dressed somewhat unusually, in all dark attire, he
seemed like everyone else. There was no reason to be suspicious, that is until he leaned his head back,
and yawned showing a set of extra pointed fangs, which were covered with blood.
Evanna put her head back down, and put her hand over her chest. Her heart was beating fast.
What's wrong? said Marilyn.
V-v-v-vampire...! Evanna said in a trembling voice.
You what? said Laura.
Evanna made the sign of the cross, and began praying for help.
Now is not the time for that! said Laura.
Laura and Marilyn popped their heads up, from behind their table, and looked to see the
supposed vampire. They watched the scary man carefully, and as far as they could tell, he was in fact a
vampire. They figured this all out immediately after he disemboweled several people, and drank their
blood like a Scot thirsty for Irn-Bru.
Laura and Marilyn put their heads back down.
Bloody Jesus Christ, said Laura. It really is a vampire.
And, said Evanna, he has no table manners whatsoever.
Not so loud, said Marilyn, he'll find us.
But it was too late, the vampire had heard the chatting, and picked up the Lynch sisters' table,
and tossed it aside. With no barriers between them, the vampire stared with a glow in his eyes, and
growled. There was blood dripping down his chin.
What do we do? said Evanna.

French it! said Laura.

And Laura, Evanna, and Marilyn all at once got to their feet to run away. However, in this
particular scheme Marilyn was caught by the vampire. The vampire put his hands around her neck, and
pushed her against the wall, preventing her from moving. He then looked her in the eyes, grinned, and
licked his lips.
We must go back to help sis! said Evanna.
Evanna, and Laura grabbed the vampire, trying to pull him away from their sister but to no
avail.
Try harder, said Evanna.
I'm doing all the damned pulling! said Laura.
As the vampire moved his mouth towards Marilyn, Marilyn took the bottle of water in her hand,
uncapped it, and filled her mouth.
What are you doing?! Laura cried. Now is not the time to obey your thirst!
But then Marilyn, with water in her mouth, spit out at the vampire. The vampire let go of
Marilyn, and gave a high pitched shriek. The water that hit his face was no ordinary water, but rather
holy water. The holy water was acid to his skin.
The Lynch sisters, without giving it a second thought, began to leg it. They burst out through the
dining hall doors, and ran into the hallway, where they tried finding refuge in one of the rooms.
However, as they knocked, people turned them away, and where no one would answer the doors were
locked.
As it were they wound up at the end the hallway. The end of the hallway had an emergency exit,
leading out to the ship's deck, but going out onto it was not enticing. There was a storm outside, with
the constant clap of thunder, and striking of lightening. Heading outside would certainly be risky. A
crashing wave could send any of the sisters off into the cold, murky waters.
They had to make a decision. The vampire caught up, and was heading towards them. He was
angry, clenching his fists, walking with heavy footsteps. The only reason he didn't run was because he
was injured, or maybe trying to conserve his energy.
Laura pushed open the emergency exit, and she, Evanna, and Marilyn ran out in the rain. While
doing so they slipped across the deck. Marilyn dropped her water bottle. The Lynch sisters had no idea
where they were going, only that they needed to be as far away as possible from that vampire.
The vampire though easily caught up with them, when he sprang up into the air, and cut off
their path. The Lynch sisters backed up against the railing. There was no place to run. Whether they
stepped left, or right, the snarling monster followed.
But he didn't kill them off immediately, he was playing with them, enjoying the terror rapidly
growing in their hearts.
Lord Jesus, said Evanna, hands clasped together, save our souls!
By some coincidence her message was answered when Beatrix Hunter appeared in the distance.
Leave those girls alone, said Beatrix Hunter. Your fight is with me. You slut!
Wait, said Laura, did she just call this vampire a slut?
The vampire paid no mind, then Beatrix unfurled a leather whip, and cracked it in the air. The
vampire turned around.
You shouldn't have disemboweled all those ferry passengers, said Beatrix. I am really
annoyed right now!
The vampire roared. Beatrix threw out her arm, and wrapped the whip around his neck. The
vampire instinctively grabbed the lasso, sure to pull it back, with his mighty strength. But in this same
moment a mechanical device on Beatrix' boots were activated, and spikes came out of them, attaching
her to the floor.
When the vampire pulled on the lasso he was not able to pull Beatrix down. Beatrix, on the
other hand, had the advantage. She pulled in the vampire, and dragged him across the slippery ground.

The vampire squealed as he was pulled like he was a fish in the water.
Beatrix upon reeling the vampire in, took a silver dagger, and plunged it into his heart. The
vampire screamed in pain. The scream was so loud, and so sharp that the Lynch sisters covered their
ears. Then the vampire cursed in an unknown tongue, and then erupted into flames, and became a pile
of ash.
Beatrix took in her whip, and put it away. She went to the Lynch sisters to see if they were
alright.
Are you alright? she said.
She extended an arm, and pulled them to their feet.
Thank you for saving us, said Marilyn.
All in a day's work, said Beatrix.
Who are you? said Laura.
What are you? said Evanna.
Beatrix grinned, and tipped her fedora. I'm a vampire hunter. I hunt vampires for a living.
Who's paying you to do this? said Laura.
No one's paying me, said Beatrix. But there's something peculiar about vampires. According
to legend they are incarnations of Judas. So, when they die they leave behind a quantity of gold. Not all
of them though. It's a bit of luck. But generally speaking the meaner the vampire the more likely he or
she will leave behind some gold.
Wait, said Marilyn, why would they leave behind gold? Shouldn't they leave behind silver?
I really have no idea why they leave behind gold, said Beatrix. I mean, I'm not a historian. I
just hunt them for profit.
Beatrix went over to the pile of ash, left behind by the vampire, and reached in her hand. She
pulled out a lump of gold. It looked to be about an ounce. Beatrix smiled, and put it in her pocket.
The Lynch sisters were bewildered. They huddle together, and then the sky began to clear. The
clouds moved away, letting the sunlight cast down onto the boat. No one was sure what would happen
next.
Beatrix walked over to Evanna, Laura, and Marilyn.
Hey, she said, if you ever need me you can contact me. I'm always ready to murder
vampires.
Beatrix handed the sisters her business card. There was a picture of her on the front stabbing a
vampire.
Chapter 11: Sheep
The Lynch sisters' ferry, which was partially on fire, landed at Wales in a place called Porthmadog. As
soon as they stepped off onto dry land, police entered the boat to investigate. The police had heard
there was a load of counterfeit designer handbags on board. They were keen on finding the smugglers,
who would dare bring fake Louis Vuitton handbags into the United Kingdom.
They paid the sisters no mind, however, as the usual suspects for smuggling counterfeit goods
were usually of the Oriental persuasion.
Well, said Laura, that was shit.
Least we're alive, said Evanna. We should count our blessings.
We lost all our luggage to a fire caused by a lightening bolt, said Marilyn. I don't think we
have any blessings to count today.
Amen! said Laura.
The Lynch sisters, exhausted from their ferry ride, took respite in town. The place was rather

idyllic looking, with small, quaint buildings, rolling hills, and lots of sheep.
Look at all these sheep, said Evanna. They're so cute, and fluffy, like lil clouds with legs.
Can I go up to one and pet it?
We don't really have the time, said Laura.
Please! said Evanna. I will be really quick!
Laura folded her arms. Oh, alright then. But don't you lollygag. I won't tolerate any
lollygagging.
Do you know what 'lollygag' means? said Marilyn.
No, said Laura, no, I do not.
So, Evanna, Marilyn, and Laura went up the hill to visit the flock of sheep. Evanna had a good,
fun time. She petted all the sheep there were, and even crawled along on the ground to fit in with them.
You're going to get your hands and knees dirty, said Laura.
I'm a cute, lil sheep, said Evanna. I don't have hands and knees. I only have itty-bitty legs,
and hooves.
How whimsical of you, said Marilyn.
Baa! said Evanna. Baa!
Then she moved towards a sheep, and rubbed her nose against its nose. The sheep looked her in
the eyes, and spoke up.
Oy, said the sheep. What you doing?
Evanna was surprised. W-what?
You're going to blow me cover, said the sheep.
What cover? said Evanna.
I'm trying to seduce one of these fine animals here, said the sheep. I want to shag one, and if
you don't keep quiet I'll be found out.
Awkwardly, Evanna stood up, and walked over to Marilyn, and Laura.
Done playing? said Laura.
Evanna whispered. One of those sheep is not really a sheep. It's a man in a costume, and he
told me he's trying to shag a sheep.
Are you serious? said Marilyn. Wow. Didn't think that stereotypes were true! But here we
are...
I'll go handle this, said Laura. Where's this character?
Evanna pointed.
Okay, said Laura, stay here.
Laura went up to the man in the sheep costume. She went ahem! to get his attention.
The sheep looked up.
I know you're in a costume, said Laura. Knock it off, you sick perv!
Make me, said the man in the sheep costume.
Laura grabbed the man in the sheep costume by the tail, and then kicked him up the arse so hard
that he howled in pain. Laura kept kicking his ass, until he got up on both feet, and began running
away.
Laura dusted off her hands when he was gone.
Good riddance, she said.
Wow, said Marilyn, you really went to town on that guy.
Shagging sheep is wrong, said Laura. I mean they can't even speak our language. How do
you know if it's consensual? It's not consensual. How could it be?
Wait, said Evanna, so you're outraged at the lack of consent, not the fact that he was trying to
shag an animal?
Well, yeah, said Laura. I thought that was the point of this.
Hmm, fair enough, said Evanna.

What sort of person is so lonely that he has to shag a sheep? said Marilyn. What is the
psychological reasoning behind it?
Lonely, I guess, said Laura. When you're lonely you do crazy things. Like write love letters
to Prince Charles.
You did that, didn't you? said Marilyn.
Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, said Laura.
Oooooh, look! exclaimed Evanna. The sheep shagger left behind something.
Evanna bent down and picked up a Velcro wallet.
How much money does he have? said Laura.
Evanna looked inside. There was only a Scottish 1 note. She picked it up and showed the
others.
What type of person only carries around 1? said Marilyn. And a Scottish note, no less.
Wait, said Evanna, there's something written on the back.
What is it? said Laura.
It's an address, said Evanna. For the Vampire Hunter's Guild and Supply Shop. It's a sign
from God! We have to go there!
You think everything's a sign from God, said Marilyn.
Yes, said Evanna, but this one is even more, erm, signy.
Alright, said Laura, may as ewll.
And so, Evanna, Marilyn, and Laura went about town looking for the mysterious Vampire
Hunter's Guild and Supply Shop. After about 30 minutes or so, they found the outside of a small shop
tucked inside an alleyway. They walked down, for a closer look, and saw that it was what they were
looking for.
Evanna pointed to the sign that was painted in blood red.
There it is, said Evanna. The Vampire Hunter's Guild and Supply Shop.... Shall we go in?
I dunno, said Marilyn. It looks rather shady.
Lots of things look shady, said Laura, but then they turn out to be really awesome.
Remember that time when that strange man offered us sweeties, and we said 'yes,' and they were the
best sweets we ever had? Man, I wonder where that guy is now? I hope he's in the confectionery
business.
So, we're doing what now? said Evanna.
We're going in, said Laura.
And Laura led the way in. As soon as the Lynch sisters entered the Vampire Hunter's Guild their
noses were assaulted with the scent of burnt coffee, whiskey, cigar's...and glue solvent? An odd
combination of odors!
However, it was no more odd, or unpleasant than the dcor. The dcor looked all Gothy, and
dark, and dreary, like a depressed teenager's bedroom. There were wooden shelves (painted black, no
less) housing various strange objects, and items that looked older than the shop itself. There was a man
behind the counter, waiting to make sales and he was in a sheep costume.
Eeep, said Evanna, there's the man in the sheep costume!
Laura marched towards him. The man in the sheep costume, whose name was actually Rory, put
up his hands as if to say don't hurt me.
'Whoa, relax, said Rory. I'm not actually a sheep shagger, despite appearances.
Is that so? said Laura.
It's true, said Rory. I only pretended to be a sheep shagger to scare away your I think that's
your sister?
Laura nodded.
I only pretended to be a sheep shagger, Rory continued, to scare away your sister. I had to

stay on the down low. Y'know, be incognito.

Laura suddenly hit her fist down on the counter. Not only are you perpetuating harmful
stereotypes, but I don't believe a word you're saying! Why would anyone disguise themselves as a
sheep? What possible reason is there?
As you know, said Rory, telling by the name of this fine organization, I am a vampire hunter.
Not a very good one, but still I am, and I had suspicions that the sheep farmer was a vampire. Really, I
never see that man out in the day. He only comes out at night.
Then why would you disguise yourself as a sheep during the day? said Laura. Why not
night?
Ah, yes, said Rory. I was practicing. Trying to get into character, so he wouldn't suspect a
thing upon collecting his beloved sheep.
Wait, said Marilyn, why would a vampire be a sheep farmer?
Everyone has to make a living, said Rory. I mean there's not much to do around in Wales
job-wise, is there? It's either sell wool to make itchy sweaters, or rent out sheep for sex.
Omigoodness, said Evanna. I think I'm going to be sick.
Stop talking about sheep sex, said Marilyn. Also, why are you still wearing your sheep
costume?
I glued it on, said Rory. I thought it would be more convincing. Now I am waiting for the
glue solvent to kick in.
Likely story, said Laura.
Come on, said Rory, even if I did actually shag sheep, it isn't illegal.
I guess he's right, said Evanna. We must respect his ways, whatever they are.
Yeah, so, do you guys wanna buy something or not? said Rory.
Wait, tell us what this guild is? said Laura.
The Vampire Hunter's Guild and Shop, said Rory. I sell things, and have meetings for people
who want to hunt vampires. So far there are only two members. Me, and this crazy lady called Beatrix
Hunter. FYI, Hunter is not her real name.
Do we get a discount if we join? said Laura.
No, said Rory, but I'll put your name down in a book, and we can chat over tea.
Never mind, said Laura.
Rory shrugged.
What do you know about vampires? said Marilyn. Today we were attacked by one.
Really? said Rory. Lucky you!
Lucky? said Evanna. LUCKY?! WE ALMOST DIED!
Yes, said Rory, but wasn't it exciting?
It was terrifying, said Evanna. I was so scared I almost cried. And, you guys know me, I
never cry. Just kidding. He-he-he.
Yeah, said Rory looking wistful. I wish a vampire would attack me. That would be
amazing.
What the hell? said Laura. Do you have a vampire fetish or what?
I want to be a vampire hunter, said Rory. Can't you tell?
Hard to tell when you're in a sheep costume, said Evanna.
Well, I do want to hunt vampires, said Rory. It's my dream to kill a vampire. Or many
vampires.
So you're anti-vampire? said Marilyn.
I know it's not politically correct in this modern day, and society, said Rory, but yes, I would
like to eventually hunt down a vampire. After all, a vampire killed my father.
Oh no, said Evanna. What happened?
My dad married my mum, said Rory, who happened to be a vampire. One day they got into

an argument, and she sucked him dry. After doing so she ran away with another man. BUT I could
never kill my mum, so I have transferred my anger over to the vampire species.
What a sad story, said Evanna.
Rory slapped his hands down on the counter. So! Are you going to buy something or will I
have to kick you all out?
Okay, okay, no need to be pushy, said Laura. We'll buy something. What do you recommend
for hunting vampires?
Something cheap, said Marilyn. We're on a budget.
Rory walked around his shop, picked up a box, and placed it on the counter. He opened the box,
and took out several, pump-action water pistols. The colours were very bright.
Here we go, he said, pump-action water pistols.
Why the hell would we want this? said Laura. We're not trying to enter a wet t-shirt contest.
Do not be deceived, said Rory. Remember, vampires don't like holy water? You use this to
squirt those suckers it'll melt their faces off. Especially these, since I've filled them with my special
holy water. It is infused with essence of garlic. So, it's a double whammy.
I don't know how many vampires will be attacking us later on, said Marilyn, but we'd prefer
something more substantial.
More substantial? said Rory. Okay.
Rory walked around his shop again, and picked up a large case by its handle. He took it to the
counter, and popped it open. Inside were three, long, silver swords. The hilt of each sword was adorned
with a crucifix.
Oooh, said Evanna, swords!
A bit unwieldy, don't you think? said Marilyn.
Listen, said Rory, I know it's trendy in vampire hunting to carry around smaller tools, and
have the element of surprise, but I really think a sword would kick a lot of ass.
I'd imagine that vampire hunters carry around 'smaller tools' to avoid being arrested, said
Marilyn. If we lugged those swords around a police officer would be sure to put us away.
I'm not an idiot, said Rory. You carry your sword in a guitar case. I have those available. At
an extra cost of course.
Hold on a second, said Laura, so we use swords to kill vampires? Can't they use swords too?
Or some other type of weapon? Like why don't vampires use guns? If they use guns, we should get
guns too.
No, no, said Rory. Vampires cannot use weapons.
And why not? said Marilyn.
The Judas Curse, said Rory.
Judas Priest? said Evanna.
No, the Judas CURSE, said Rory. All vampires have weaknesses relating to Judas. This is
why silver harms them, this is why holy water burns, this is why they're afraid of crucifixes.
How do weapons come into this? said Laura.
According to my sources, Google, said Rory, Judas was originally going to murder Jesus
Christ with a knife. But last minute he wimped out, and decided just to betray him with a kiss. So,
therefore vampires cannot use weapons.
That's stupid, said Marilyn.
Well, life is stupid, said Rory.
The Lynch sisters all nodded at the same time.
Hey, said Evanna, I think we should each have different weapons, like the Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles.
Hmm, said Rory, that isn't a bad idea at all.
It isn't? said Marilyn.

No, said Rory. Three sisters you may be, but I'm sure each of you has different talents. You
should each take a weapon to suit your strengths. Tell you what, take a look around my shop, and pick
out what you want.
So, the Lynch sisters did just that, taking a look around the shop. It wasn't particularly large, but
choosing just one item seemed difficult. After some time, however, they returned to the counter with
their items.
Interesting choices, said Rory. Why did you make these particular choices?
Marilyn held up her set of wearable retractable-claws.
Am a bit of a scatter brain, said Marilyn. So, if I have claws that I wear, I wouldn't lose
them. They'd always be on me, ready to go. Like a cat, or some sort of clawed creature.
I see, said Rory. So instead of playing to your strengths, you instead choose a weapon that
would make up for your deficiencies?
You could put it that way,' said Marilyn.
What about you? said Rory, looking to Laura. Tell us about your choix. Choix means 'choice'
in French by the way.
Laura placed down a samurai sword made out of silver. I'm a martial artist. So, I'm
comfortable using this here katana. I bet I could kill many a vampire with this. Heads will roll.
Nice, said Evanna, but I prefer to keep my distance with this weapon I saw in a movie once.
I liked that movie. It was a well made.
Evanna showed off a bow and arrow set.
Do you even know how to use that thing? said Marilyn.
I assume I can, said Evanna.
Maybe you should get something else, said Laura.
Stop picking on my choice of weapon! said Evanna. This isn't more crazy than a set of
Wolverine claws, or a samurai sword!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ladies, ladies, said Rory, please, settle down. If you don't think you have time to learn the
craft of your weapons, I can always offer you something else.
Something else? said Evanna.
Something magic... said Rory.
Why are you winking at us? said Laura. Stop that.
Chapter 12: Sheep Two!
What is this magic you speak of? said Marilyn.
You know like in books, and movies, and video games, and Broadway plays, and stuff? said
Rory.
No, said Marilyn.
Well, said Rory, magic is real! It's not fiction. It's totally real, and you can use it to protect
yourself from all sorts of monsters, including vampires, and lawyers, or vampire lawyers. I'll show you,
if you want.
You're putting us on, said Laura.
I most certainly am not! said Rory. Also, why would you believe in vampires, but not in
magic?
Because we saw a vampire, said Marilyn. It tried to eat us.
Right, said Rory, well, I most certainly can prove to you that magic exists, and I can equip
the three of you. For a price.
What's the price? said Evanna.
Can I have your photo and signature? said Rory.
Why would you want any of that? said Evanna.

Aren't you that actress? said Rory.

No, said Evanna, I'm
That actress! said Laura, elbowing Evanna to keep her quiet. And she is willing to give you
those, erm, things you seek.
Rory clapped. Wowee! I can't believe I'm meetin' you! Y'know, I tried to keep quiet at first, and
be respectful, but now I can't contain myself! Natalie Dormer, you are the most beautiful woman I've
ever seen in my entire life!
Natalie Dormer? said Evanna.
What? said Rory. Are you not her?
Erm, no, I am, said Evanna. I just repeated you because I'm an arrogant celebrity, and I like
to hear my own name.
Alright then, said Rory, I won't judge. Now, can I have your photo, and autograph?
Sure, said Evanna. Anything you want.
Rory, using his mobile phone, took a picture with Evanna, then she signed his chest for him.
Thank you, said Rory. You are an amazing woman, and I would like to have your babies.
You're a man, said Marilyn.
But I feel like a woman, said Rory, so shut your gob.
Look, said Laura, just show us the freaking magic already!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, okay, said Rory, no need to yell. Follow me, if you please.
Rory then led the Lynch sisters to a corner in his shop, where he lifted up a piece of carpet,
revealing a trap door. He opened the trap door, and took out a box. He opened the box, and took out a
key. He took the key, and opened a safe. He took another key out of the safe.
What are you doing? said Marilyn.
Security, said Rory.
Rory put his key in a slot in the counter, and turned it. As soon as he did that a door appeared on
the wall, and slid open. Rory and the Lynch sisters went through this door, and found themselves in a
stairwell. It was dark, and musty. They all took careful steps going down. After going down about a
hundred steps they entered a cave.
Bloody Jesus Christ, said Laura, is this a cave?
The best cave in Wales, said Rory. This is where I hide all my pornography.
Yuck, said Evanna.
Where you taking us? said Marilyn.
Just a few paces ahead, said Rory, you will see.
Again Rory led the Lynch sisters, and they got to the end of the cave, which was lit by the sun
coming in through a hole in the ceiling. It cast down a beam that illuminated a treasure box.
Thar she be, said Rory. The magic I have for sale.
Rory popped open the treasure box that contained three magical wands. These wands were long
like sticks, but squared so they wouldn't roll, and they were made out of titanium, and each had shaped
precious stone at the end. There was one with a ruby, one with a diamond, and one with a sapphire.
Are these wands? said Evanna.
They sure are, said Rory. Let me demonstrate.
Rory picked up the ruby wand, made a flicking motion with his wrist, and created a fire at its
tip.
That's magic? said Marilyn. I have a Zippo that can do the same thing.
Rory sighed. He pointed the ruby wand, and then stared forward. He made a thrusting motion
with his arm, and created a roaring fire like that you would see from a flame torch. The Lynch sisters
stepped back, fearing they'd be burnt.
Dibs! said Evanna, raising her hand.
We're not 12, said Laura. You can't do dibs anymore.

Evanna sadly lowered her head.

Wait, Marilyn said to Rory. Why didn't you just show us this magic stuff in the first place?
What was with all the hullabaloo about those swords, and all that other junk? Seems like you wasted
our time.
Stop criticizing me! Rory cried. I'm a lonely man, and I wanted to chat, and have company!
Is that so wrong?!
Yes, it is, said Laura.
Well, fine, said Rory. I wasted your time. But I'm helping you out now, aren't I?
Fair play! FAIR PLAY TO YOU! said Evanna.
OK, said Rory, he threw the ruby wand into the treasure box, let's get down to business
everyone choose a wand. But remember the wand chooses you.
So, we choose a wand, or the wand chooses us? said Evanna.
I don't know, said Rory. I was just trying to sound deep, and philosophical. Do whatever the
hell you want really.
As the Lynch sisters turned towards the treasure box containing the three wands
But wait! said Rory. Be warned. Otherwise, you may embarrass yourselves. There is a catch
to magic.
What's that? said Marilyn.
You have to be pure of heart, said Rory.
Alright, in what way? said Evanna.
If you're not a virgin, said Rory, the magic won't work for you. So, if any of you got any
English blood in yah, just count yourselves out.
We don't have a drop of English in us, said Laura. We're not uncivilized, sexed-up apes, you
know. We're Irish.
IRELAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND! Evanna yelled with a shake of her fist.
Okay, calm down, said Rory.
I have to say, said Marilyn, this really makes a lot of sense. I mean if the requirement to use
magic is being frigid, I can see why it's basically disappeared off the face of the Earth. Ergo, sex trumps
magic.
Wait a minute, Laura said to Rory, the magic works for you. That means you haven't popped
your cherry yet. ROFLMAO! How old are you?
I'm 39 tomorrow, said Rory. Don't make fun.
Happy early birthday, said Evanna.
Rory sighed. Thanks.
Well, said Marilyn, shall we choose our wands at random, or try 'em all out, and see who
wants what?
I'm the oldest, said Laura. I should get to choose first.
But I'm the cutest, said Evanna. Look at how cute and tiny I am.
Most important is smarts, said Marilyn. I'm the smartest. So, I should dish out the wands as I
see fit.
Suddenly the three Lynch sisters started arguing amongst each other. Rory, who couldn't stand
the screeching, stepped in between them to calm them down.
Ladies, ladies! said Rory. Relax. We can settle this in a civilized manner. How's about we
play a game? First place winner gets to choose whatever wand they want, and then second goes second,
and third goes third? What say you?
The sheep shagger's right, said Laura. We shouldn't be quarrelin'. Let's play this game of
his.
What is this game? said Marilyn.
Does it involve dice? said Evanna. Or a big, colorful wheel? I like wheels.

None of the above, said Rory.

Go on, said Laura.
The person who can kiss me the best wins, said Rory. By the way, I like tongue. He stuck
out his unusually long tongue, and swirled it around.
Everyone had a disgusted look on their face.
No one? said Rory.
Okay then, said Laura, ignoring Rory, this is what we'll do... She took the wands out of the
treasure box, and faced away for a moment. She turned back around, and had the wands in her fist,
upside down, so as to conceal the colours. Your choice will be at random. Who wants to go first? It
doesn't really matter.
Me! said Evanna, and she grabbed a wand. It was the sapphire wand. Oooh, it's blue, like my
eyes! How befitting!
Okay, said Marilyn, I'm next.
Marilyn took a wand, and found she had taken the one with the diamond tip.
So, said Laura, I'm left with the red wand? I guess fire's not such a bad magic power, is it?
What do our wands do? said Marilyn.
I'm not sure, said Rory. If I had known I would've told you all earlier. Also, I'm surprised you
didn't ask me that earlier. Surely, that would've been the time to ask.
Really now, said Laura, you don't know what all these wands do?
I tried find out, said Rory, but I was only able to get the fire one to work. The rest are a
mystery.
Ooooh! said Evanna. What if mine makes chocolate?
We're using these to defend ourselves, said Marilyn. What use would chocolate be?
It could give us energy to escape, said Evanna. Or we could leave behind chocolates to
distract the enemy. If you were chasing someone, and you saw tasty treats on the floor, wouldn't you
stop to pick them up?
No, said Marilyn.
And that's why you're always grumpy, said Evanna. You don't stop to enjoy the small things
in life.
Test out your wands already, said Laura. I want to see what you all got.
Evanna went first. She pointed her sapphire wand, and said some magical words she made up
on the spot but nothing happened. She twirled around the wand, and made crazy gestures in the air.
Yet no results whatsoever.
This is broken! said Evanna. I want a refund!
You never paid for these, said Rory. I gave them to you in exchange for a photo and
autograph.
Give me those back, said Evanna.
Are you sure? said Rory.
Ignore her, said Laura. Marilyn, try yours out.
So, Marilyn put out her arm, but as she was about to do something with her wand a voice
interrupted.
Freeze! said the voice. You scumbags!
Everyone turned their heads. There was a police officer and his men, standing at the far end of
the cave. The police officer, who appeared to be the leader of the pack, was voicing his commands
through a mega phone to amplify his voice. His name was Officer Piggly.
Scumbags? said Evanna.
You're under arrest! said Officer Piggly. Come quietly with us, and we won't bludgeon you
to death today.
What did I do? said Rory.

You're wanted for sharing movies and music online, said Officer Piggly.
Really now? said Rory. I'm being arrested for that?
Yes, said Officer Piggly, and it's quite a serious offense. We had to put aside all other matters
for this. You know, there's a murderer on the loose? But here we are!
I don't like the way you're prioritizing our laws, said Rory.
Who cares what you think? said Officer Piggly. Come with us or face the consequences...!
And bring your friends along too, they're also in trouble. Guilty by association, as they say at the
academy.
But we didn't do anything, said Marilyn.
You're associating, said Officer Piggly. ASSOCIATING WITH A DIGITAL PIRATE!
We don't know this man, said Laura.. He, erm, has kidnapped us, and is holding us hostage.
That is a lie, said Rory. I've only brought them into my cave to show them my lil peepee.
Yes, I admit, that was the plan all along. Would anyone like to have a look?
Put that away! said Officer Piggly. You're scaring the children!
What children? said Rory.
A little girl stepped out from behind Officer Piggly.
My daughter, said Officer Piggly. It's bring your kid to work day.
Is it? said Rory.
Then Rory went into his pocket, and retrieved a smoke bomb, and he threw at the police
officers. The police officers, and the little girl, coughed, and hacked, confused about what was going
on. Rory quickly turned his attention to the Lynch sisters.
Saves yourself! said Rory. I'll deal with these police officers!
Where do we go? said Evanna.
Lift the heart-shaped rock up! said Rory. You'll see!
The Lynch sisters, amidst the smoke, ran around, looking for a heart shape rock. Evanna spotted
one off in the corner. She lifted it up, and discovered that there was a red button beneath.
There's a red button, said Evanna. Should we push it?
Pushing red buttons is always a good idea, said Laura.
I don't know, said Marilyn. I'm suspicious of red buttons.
Too late! said Laura, and she pushed the red button.
Immediately there was a loud rumbling noise, and the cave began shaking. The wall vibrated,
and the ceiling dropped down its stalagmites. At the end of the cave the wall opened up, and let in the
sea. The water rushed inside, and caused a flood.
But the Lynch sisters, fortunately, were good swimmers. Hearing stories about selkies from their
mother when they were younger instilled in them a great a fear of the water, and they swam towards the
light, and safely exited the cave. Their heads popped up through the surface. They were outside, just by
shoreline.
You shouldn't have pressed the red button! said Marilyn.
I made a mistake, said Laura. Sue me.
You are not a very good de facto leader, said Evanna.
Laura made an angry face, and splashed Marilyn with water.
Hey, stop splashing me, said Marilyn. You're being a bully.
But you're already wet, said Evanna.
That's not the point, said Marilyn. It's the principle of the thing. She's being mean.
Yes, I agree, said Evanna. Laura, you should stop being mean, or I will tell on you.
Go ahead, said Laura. I don't care.
Gah, you're such a Protestant! said Marilyn.
Laura gasped. HOW DARE YOU! That's it! I'm leaving you two behind!
And Laura swam to the shore, ran down the beach, and disappeared from sight. Marilyn and

Evanna tried following but could not find her.

Where did she go? said Evanna.
Who cares? said Marilyn. We don't need her.
She has the only working magical wand, said Evanna. She held up her sapphire wand. Ours
do nothing.
Oh, come on, said Marilyn, holding her diamond wand. These don't do anything, because
they're not magic. Don't you see we've been duped?
But the fire from Laura's wand, said Evanna.
We're living in the 21st century, said Marilyn. It's not that hard to make a fire. The so called
wand is probably just filled with a highly flammable substance, and then it shoots out. It's not
scientifically impossible.
Hmm, maybe you're right, said Evanna. But I still miss big sis.
Evanna climbed atop a rock, and stood up. She put her hand over her eyebrows like a visor,
looking for Laura.
LAURA! Evanna yelled. LAURAAAAA!
Hello, how are you? said a woman, also named.
Umm, I was calling for another Laura, said Evanna.
Hmph! said the woman. You've wasted my time, you silly honey badger!
What? said Evanna.
But the woman walked off, and Evanna got down from the rock. Then Marilyn joined her side.
Look, said Marilyn, am sorry for chasing off Laura. I went too far in calling her a
protestant.
It's okay, said Evanna. We're all takin' the same train to England. We should meet again.
Marilyn put her arm around Evanna. Always the optimist, aren't you?
Chapter 13: Dreamway Train Ride
Evanna and Marilyn boarded the steam train. It was big, and black, and steamy, and old looking. They
walked down the wine red carpet, and opened the door to a cozy compartment. They sat down, and
hung up their counterfeit designer handbags, containing their wallets, and supply of sweets for energy.
I'm so sick, and tired of this trip, said Evanna. We should call mam, and dad, and let them
sort it out.
We can't do that, said Marilyn.
Why not? said Evanna.
We have to prove to them that we're mature, responsible adults, said Marilyn.
But we're not, said Evanna.
I know that, said Marilyn, but I'd like them to think so.
No! said Evanna. I'm calling mama!
Evanna took out her mobile phone, and dialed home for Termonfeckin.
Margaret answered the phone. Top of the mornin' to yah!
I didn't know Irish people actually said that, said Evanna.
They don't, said Margaret. I was just being an eejit.
Mam, said Evanna. I've missed you so much! How's dad? How's the house? How's Ireland?
All doing very well, said Margaret. What about you, and Marilyn, and Laura?
Marilyn, who was listening, stared at Evanna.
Marilyn? And Laura? Evanna said to Margaret on the phone. Ah! I mean... Ah, they're all
fine. Nothing is wrong. No one is missing.
Except Winston, said Margaret.
Right, said Evanna. We're on the case. I know exactly what to do.

Is that so? said Margaret.

Trust me, said Evanna. I've played more than enough Carmen Sandiego, and Where's
Wally?
Computer games won't help you, said Margaret.
HULLOOOOOOAH! said Donald, coming into the phone conversation. How's my beautiful
daughter?
Hi, dad, said Evanna. I miss you.
Miss you too, said Donald. Hey, guess what!
What? said Evanna.
An Englishman tried invading our house, and taking it over, said Donald, but I chased him
out with a shovel.
That was a Mormon, said Margaret.
Well, he looked English to me, said Donald. He had on a tie.
Lots of people wear ties, said Margaret.
That's true, said Evanna, but
As Evanna was about to finish her sentence she heard a fuzzy, static noise, and then her mobile
phone cut out. Communication was lost.
What happened? said Marilyn, looking at Evanna's face.
My phone's stopped working, said Evanna. She shook her fist angrily. WHAT IS
THIS?!?!?!?!? THE LATE 1990s?!?!?
Calm down, said Marilyn. Screaming at your mobile phone isn't going to do anything.
You're right, she said. He's done nothing wrong.
Evanna stroked her phone lovingly, and then put it away in her counterfeit purse.
Well now, said Evanna, what's on the menu tonight?
What menu? said Marilyn.
The train menu, said Evanna. They serve food here, don't you know?
Evanna picked up one of two menus, and gave it to Marilyn. They both opened them at the
same time to have a look at the available food, but the food was disgusting.
On the menu:
- Type A Blood
- Type B Blood
- Type AB Blood
- Type O Blood
- Head
- Brain
- Nose
- Lips
- Tongue
- Ears
- Intestines
- Kidney
- Liver
- Heart
- Skin
- Fingers
- Feet
- Deep Fried Buttocks

Ugh, said Evanna. They don't have any vegetarian cuisine.

This menu looks very weird, said Marilyn. Very weird indeed. I don't see any real food on
here. Just...body parts.
Maybe we got a joke menu, said Evanna. Must be left overs from a Halloween joke. Let's
call someone, and see what's going on.
Evanna pressed a button on the wall, and summoned a waiter. The waiter was a big, fat, greasy
looking fellow, who had on a crimson vest that could hardly fit his bulging body.
Good evening, said Domingus in a labored voice. How may I help you?
There's something wrong with our menus, said Evanna.
Oh? said Domingus.
Evanna showed the menu to Domingus.
What is the problem? said Domingus. Everything appears to be in order.
You don't have any veggies, said Evanna.
Why would you want veggies? said Domingus.
I believe in animal rights, said Evanna.
Domingus looked confused. Ah, these are not made from animals.
No? said Evanna.
No, said Domingus. They're human parts. We run a top of the line train service here. We'd
never serve animal.
Ummm, you what? said Evanna.
I'm sorry, said Domingus, but I've other people to serve here. When you're ready let me
know.
Domingus turned around, and left. Marilyn got up, and closed the door.
Evanna, Marilyn whispered, I think I figured it out.
Figure what out? said Evanna.
I think we're on a train, said Marilyn, full of vampires.
Reeeally? said Evanna.
Marilyn took the menu, and tapped Evanna on the head with it.
The menu, said Marilyn. Blood is on the menu. Don't you think that's a little suspicious?
No, said Evanna. The English eat blood pudding all the time.
Yes, said Marilyn, pointing to the menu, but what about brains?
Yes, they eat brains too, said Evanna. Pork brains. In milk gravy.
Alright, fine, said Marilyn, but I know for sure they don't eat liv okay! I get your point, but
I still think I'm right. I think we're on a train full of vampires. I mean have you noticed the passengers?
They're all very pale, like they've never been out in the sun.
We're pale, said Evanna.
Okay, that's true, said Marilyn, but have you noticed all the windows have their curtains
sewn shut? Surely you must find that odd.
I've seen weirder, said Evanna.
Marilyn growled. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I'll prove it to you. Stand up.
Marilyn got out a pocket mirror, and took Evanna out into the aisle.
What're we doing here? said Evanna.
Vampires have no reflection, right? said Marilyn.
So they say, said Evanna.
Well, said Marilyn, we're going to have a look in my pocket mirror, and see whether the
passengers on board this train have a reflection. If not we know they're vampires.
Marilyn, and Evanna tiptoed through the train's aisle, and went looking for vampires. They
looked into a compartment, and spotted a family, who seemed to be sleeping. Marilyn held out her
pocket mirror, and tried grabbing their reflection. But there was nothing to be seen.

It's blank, Marilyn whispered. Do you see?

Evanna looked. I see. It's like there's no one there. Like they're ghosts. Omigod! Are they
ghosts?!
No, said Marilyn, they're vampires. This whole goddamn train is full of vampires. See, this is
what happens when you privatize the railways. Oh, the politicians say it saves money, but for who?
Okay, so we have to get off this train, said Evanna. But this is a one way to England. No
stops.
Wait, said Marilyn. We'll be passing over a low bridge over the water soon. If we can jump
off...
I'm not doing that, said Evanna. We've already been wet once this journey.
Fine, said Marilyn. I guess we don't have to do that. We can just lay low, and blend in. Oh,
but try not arouse an suspicion, okay? Do not tell anyone you're a vegetarian. Pretend you like to eat
meat. Specifically human meat.
I guess I can do that, said Evanna. But I am thoroughly disgusted.
Don't act disgusted, said Marilyn. It will give you away.
I'll try my best, said Evanna.
And she and Marilyn went back to their train compartment. When they entered they found
Domingus there holding a silver tray with tall glasses of what appeared to be blood.
Have a seat, said Domingus. I've brought drinks for the two of you.
Oh, said Evanna. How nice.
She reached out her arm for a glass, but Marilyn pulled it back.
Sorry, but we're not really thirsty, said Marilyn.
It's of very high quality, said Domingus. You will love it.
No, thank you, said Marilyn.
I am feeling a bit thirsty, said Evanna.
Marilyn glared at Evanna, who was not aware that Domingus was offering her blood.
Take it, said Domingus, it's complimentary.
Then Domingus put a glass of blood into Evanna's hand. Evanna lifted the glass up to her
mouth, and her nose twitched upon smelling the smell of blood.
What is this? said Evanna. Smells a bit off.
It's blood, said Domingus.
BLOOD! said Evanna. Yuck!
Yuck? said Domingus.
Aaaah, she's just kidding around, said Marilyn, trying to cover for Evanna. She loves blood.
But you see the thing is she's on a diet.
What about you? Domingus said to Marilyn. Are you on a diet?
Yes, said Marilyn. I am. Unfortunately, my arse has gotten a bit too large lately.
Oh, no problem then, said Domingus. I have low calorie blood for the both of you.
Domingus took away Evanna's glass of regular blood, and gave her, and Marilyn two glasses of
low calorie blood.
Go ahead, drink, said Domingus. I INSIST.
Domingus stared down at Marilyn and Evanna, using his physical presence to intimidate them.
Evanna looked at Marilyn, unsure what to do. She did not want to drink blood, no matter how low
calorie it was.
You know, said Domingus, it is considered quite rude to refuse a host's drink.
I told you, said Marilyn, erm, I'm not thirsty.
It's not that much blood, said Domingus. I'm sure your body can more than handle it.
I bet, said Marilyn.
Then she, with a quivering hand, put her glass up to her mouth. Evanna did too, and the both of

them took a gulp of their complimentary blood. Not a second after they threw it all up onto the floor.
Domingus jumped back, and pointed.
Ah-ha! he said. I knew you two were human!
Marilyn amd Evanna stepped back, and instinctively put up their hands in a boxing-like posture,
ready to defend themselves.
Wait, wait, said Domingus, I'm not here to hurt you. I'm human too, you see! I only gave you
that blood to test whether or not you're vampires!
Marilyn punched Domingus in the face.
Ow! said Domingus. Why'd you punch me in the face?!
You stupid arse, said Marilyn. You made us drink blood!
I'm sorry, said Domingus. I had to find out if you were human.
Domingus closed the doors behind himself.
Listen, he said in a low voice, I've been observing the both of you.
Creepy, said Evanna.
No, listen, said Domingus. I saw you guys spying with your mirror. You know as well as I do
that this is a train full of vampires.
So? said Marilyn.
I'm going to blow up this train, Domingus said. To kill all of these bloody vampires. This is
why I've been going around, looking for humans to make sure no innocent people get hurt.
Are you sure you looked everywhere? said Marilyn.
I have, said Domingus. I've been handing out free blood to all the passengers. So far you two
are the only ones that have thrown up.
Wait, how are you going to blow up this train? said Marilyn.
I have an arseton of dynamite hidden around here, said Domingus. I'm going to set it off. But
only when we've reached Doobendubenshire. When we come in front of the castle, at 333 Bloodroad, I
will blow this train to kingdom come.
Yes, what could go wrong? said Marilyn.
I'm not just going to blow them up, said Domingus. This is part of my master plan to get into
the castle. The explosion will serve as distraction, so I can get inside the castle.
Why do you want to get in the castle? said Evanna.
I believe my girlfriend Priscilla's been kidnapped by the vampires, said Domingus, and she's
being kept inside of the castle as a slave...or food.
How do you know all this? said Marilyn.
I've been working as an employee for the vampires for weeks, said Domingus. I've been
collecting as much information about them as possible, and minimum wage.
Wait, how did you become an employee? said Evanna. Do they actually hire humans?
No, said Domingus. I pretended to be a vampire. I showed them my law degree, and that was
all it took.
Okay, so, what sorts of information do you have? said Marilyn.
Domingus showed Evanna, and Marilyn a hand drawn map of the castle on 333 Bloodroad.
Here. I've been sketching a layout of the castle. I don't know all the nooks, and crannies, but I believe
you have to get through the front entrance, and go up to the last floor, which is where they keep all their
prisoners. I wish I knew more, but place is a goddamn maze.
This is very interesting, said Marilyn, we're also headed to Doobendubenshire. Our brother,
Winston, and our cat, Kit Kat, recently went missing, and I tracked him to that very location.
He might be a prisoner in the castle, said Domingus. I've watched the news about people
gone missing, and they've all wound up in the castle.
So, you say this castle is run by vampires? said Marilyn.
Yes, said Domingus.

Damn those vampires, said Marilyn.

I know, said Domingus, and there's no one to help us. I called the police, but the vampires
have a strange way of hypnotizing them...with money. Apparently these vampires are flush with cash
from making women's clothing. I hope to God that's why they kidnapped Priscilla, to make her work in
the fashion industry, which ironically has always been her dream.
I'm sorry about your girlfriend being kidnapped, said Marilyn.
Thanks, said Domingus.
But can we come along? said Marilyn. If our brother's been kidnapped, and is being held in
that castle, we have to go there too.
Sure, said Domingus. Three heads are better than one.
How do we know Winston's in this castle? said Evanna. What if he's not, and we're putting
our lives in danger? I mean, what are the odds?
Marilyn huffed. The title of this novel has the word 'castle' in it. Obviously, that's where we're
supposed to go.
Oh yeah, said Evanna. I forgot about that. Okay, let's go to this silly castle, and rescue
Winston, and Kit Kat.
Hey, said Domingus, if this is a novel you know what that means.
What? What's it mean? said Evanna.
One of you is going to die, said Domingus.
What?! said Evanna. Why would you say that?
Drama, said Domingus. Every story has a good death.
Oh no, this is terrible, said Evanna. I don't like being a character in a novel. I want to be
reading books, not participating in them! LET US OUT OF HERE! LET US OUT!
We can't be let out, said Marilyn. This is our plane of existence.
Evanna began weeping. It's true what they say. Life's not fair.
Well, said Domingus, maybe if the writer of this book is not a jerk he'll treat you all very
well.
That's a big 'if,' said Marilyn. I bet he's a jerk. A huge jerk!
Shhhhh, said Evanna, not so loud. You might upset him.
Who cares about the writer? said Domingus. He's stupid. I won't let him push me around.
Suddenly Domingus' trousers dropped down for no reason at all. Domingus pulled them back
up.
Ignore that, said Domingus. He shook his head. Anyways, I'm going to go, and serve other
passengers now. I shall return to warn you about the explosion.
And Domingus left the train compartment. Evanna and Marilyn sat down, and kept their eyes
open for vampires. But time went by very slowly. Eventually, they fell asleep.
Chapter 14: Dreamway Train Ride Two
When they woke up the found themselves in another part of the train, in chairs, constrained by ropes,
alongside Domingus. The three of them, tied together in a triangle, found themselves unable to move.
W-w-what's going? said Evanna. She squirmed. Why can't I move? Where are we?!
They were in the train's storage area, and it was storing an assortment of coffins.
I believe we're in the train's storage area, said Domingus.
Eep! Are those coffins? said Evanna.
Caskets, said Domingus. The preferred nomenclature is caskets.
Who did this to us? said Evanna. Was it you?!
Me? said Domingus. Me, who is tied up with the lot of you. No. It wasn't me.
Okay, so it's not you, said Evanna. I was wrong. Sue me.

The vampires must've found out that we're human, said Marilyn. But how? Were we not
creepy enough?
Oh, ho-ho! Domingus laughed. I talked with a vampire co-worker about going on vacation
to California, and getting a tan for my pasty skin. He must've told someone. That blood drinking son of
a bitch.
Yes, but how did we get caught?! said Marilyn.
Don't get angry, said Domingus, but I took your garlic to make a dish.
We had garlic? said Evanna.
Yes, said Domingus.
Okay, I don't get the connection, said Marilyn.
Do you know what garlic does? said Domingus.
Is it not like acid? said Marilyn.
No, said Domingus. It makes vampires unable to smell you properly. The scent of garlic
obfuscates their sense of smell. If you don't have garlic they'll know you're human through their nose.
Like Toucan Sam.
So, you removed our garlic? said Marilyn. And then they were able to smell us?
Domingus nodded.
You horse's ass! said Marilyn. How could you be so stupid?!
I'm sorry, said Domingus. I used the garlic to make some pasta for myself. It was really
good. If we get out of this I'll make you some. It's my grandmother's recipe.
I don't care about food, said Marilyn. I want to get out of here!!!!!
Stop screaming, said Domingus. You'll wake them up.
Wake who up? said Evanna.
Quiet! said Domingus.
And then the coffins around Evanna, Marilyn, and Domingus began opening. A dozen vampires
came out, and, being freshly awake, slowly walked towards the trio. Evanna lowered her head, and
started praying to Jesus.
Oh, Lord Jesus, said Evanna. Please, help me accept this horrific death.
No! said Marilyn. Ask him for help!
Too late! said Domingus.
Then a vampire jumped onto Domingus, who was sweating profusely, and put its mouth around
his neck. But the vampire hissed, and recoiled.
Ha-ha-ha! Domingus laughed. I've been drinking holy water all day long! I'm sweating holy
water!
Domingus spat at one of the vampires, burning its skin.
How clever, said Evanna. But I don't get this whole holy water thing. Why can't they just
bless the entire earth, and destroy all the vampires?
Oh, that, well, it's like anything else, said Domingus. It doesn't last forever. Plus, there is a
limit to how much a priest can bless.
I'm glad we're having this discussion, said Marilyn, it's the perfect time to have it while
we're about to die!
HEY, said a vampire, suddenly stopping. How come we're being called 'it'? I mean, we have
feelings. We're quite similar to humans. We should either be a 'he' or 'she.' The last vampire, as you
recall, was called a 'he'. So, I don't get why we're being given different treat. Also, why do you guys
always wanna kill us?
First of all, you eat people, and drink their blood, said Domingus.
Fair play, said the Vampire.
Second of all, said Domingus, you're being called 'it' for the sake of simplicity. See, earlier in
this novel, when the girls were attacked, that vampire was the only male. So, it was easy to use 'he.'

Now that I'm here, well, we have to clearly differentiate between the both of us, by calling you 'it' and
me 'he.' Otherwise, the reader would get lost. I know it's kind of arbitrary, but I don't think the writer of
this novel is very skilled at writing. He must be kind of an idiot.
Enough with this breaking the fourth wall humor! said Evanna. It's taking the reader out of
the novel. It's doing us no good. If this novel isn't popular enough, there won't be a sequel, and we'll
cease to exist. Let's just pretend that unaware of the world outside of this book. Okay? Allow the read
to escape. Don't break their illusions. You don't need to explain everything, and be all wordy, and
descriptive, with long winded dialogue. I'm sure no one actually cares whether 'it' or 'he' or 'she' is
being used to describe the vampires. They're throwaway characters. They don't matter.
Whoa, said the vampire. That hurts.
Who cares what they think? said another vampire. We're gonna eat them, and rape them, and
drink their blood.
Sorry, said the first vampire. Did you say you were going to rape them? I know we're
supposed to be evil, and everything, but even I think that's going too far. That's quite disgusting.
The other vampire folded its arms. Way to suck the fun out of the atmosphere. I was only
joking around.
You can't joke around with rape, said the first vampire. What do you think you are? A
dentist?
You shut your whore mouth!!!!! said the other vampire.
Then all the vampires started arguing amongst themselves. They clustered together, and
shouted, and screamed in each others' faces. Meanwhile, Domingus remembered he kept a penknife in
his pocket. He took it out, and used it to cut off the rope around him. He, Evanna, and Marilyn, being
free, then went to the door leading back into the train.
Finding it shut, they reversed their steps, went past the group of arguing vampires, and went to
the other door. They opened, it and found it led outside into the cold, dark night. There was a small
platform ahead of them, and a ladder going up to the roof.
The three looked back, and the vampires returned the stare. It seemed the vampire were just
about done arguing.
Okay, said Domingus, it's time to go.
And Domingus, Evanna, and Marilyn rushed out onto the small platform. They closed the door
behind, and raced up the ladder, to reach the roof of the train. They walked along, finding it difficult to
keep their balance in the racing winds.
What the hell are we doing up here?! said Marilyn. It's more dangerous here than back
there!
The vampires won't come outside, said Domingus. They have a fear of the sunlight.
It's night, said Evanna.
I know, but they won't want to take the chance, and expose themselves, said Domingus. Not
worth it for them.
Evanna, Marilyn, and Domingus stopped in their tracks, when they heard the door to the train
open, and the vampires all appeared at once.
It was just a theory, said Domingus.
Actually, said Marilyn, people confuse the term theory, and hypothesis, but a theory is
rigorously tested, and exami
RUN! Said Evanna.
Then Evanna, Marilyn, and Domingus began running in the opposite direction. The adrenaline
flowing through their body gave them the speed to fight against the wind, and stay on path. They
jumped from train car to train car, distancing themselves from the vampires as much as possible.
However, their instinct to run did them no good as the vampires cut them off, and blocked any
path of escape.

Leave us alone! said Evanna. I'm just a sweet, innocent, little girl! Surely, you couldn't hurt a
sweet, innocent, little girl?
A vampire responded, Sweet, innocent, little girls are the most delicious!
I shouldn't have asked, said Evanna.
Keep away! said Marilyn. Or you will all pay the price!
What price? said the vampires.
The price of guilt, said Marilyn. You'll all feel very guilty after you kill us.
But the vampires went bah! and then rushed forward. Then they stopped when they became
distracted by a brilliant, orange glow.
Laura appeared, with her flaming wand, and yelled, Die, you scumbags! And she used her
magical powers to set all the vampires aflame. The vampires screamed in excruciating pain, and then
turned into ash. Laura went to these piles of ash, and collected the gold they left behind.
Afterward, she put away her wand, and approached Marilyn, Evanna, and Domingus.
Well, well, well, said Laura. I guess we can all conclude, you guys suck arse without me.
You have a magic fire wand, said Evanna.
It's not about what type of wand you have, said Laura. It's about how you use it.
No, I think it's about the wand, said Marilyn.
Damnit, said Laura, aren't any of you glad to see me?
Domingus stepped forward, and hugged Laura. Thank you, kind miss.
Let go of me, said Laura. Who are you, anyway?
Domingus, said Domingus.
He's our friend, said Evanna. He's going to blow up this train, and then we're going into a
creepy castle to rescue Winston.
What the hell? said Laura.
I'll explain it all to you in a moment, said Domingus, but first we have to make a jump for
it.
A jump for what? said Marilyn.
Remember? I'm going to blow up this train, said Domingus.
He took out a device with a button on it to set off his arrangement of explosives in the train.
Are you mad? said Laura.
I thought you were going to do it in Doobendubenshire, said Marilyn.
Change of plans, said Domingus. We've been discovered. It's now or never.
Domingus pressed the button on his device, and a red light atop was activated.
Where are we going to jump? said Evanna.
The sisters looked ahead, and saw they were coming up to a low bridge over the water.
Over there, Domingus pointed. We jump in the water. On the count of three...which is when
this train should explode.
Three, two, one...! Domingus, and the Lynch sisters jumped off the train, and dove, feet first,
into the murky lake below. They kicked their feet to put their heads above the water, and catch their
breath. They then looked on at the train, which wasn't exploding whatsoever.
What gives? said Marilyn. You told us it would explode.
Where are the damn fireworks?! said Evanna.
Me want explosion! said Laura.
Domingus slapped his forehead. Oh, fart. I forgot. This is my garage door opener. He went
into his pocket, and retrieved another device that also had a button on it. Here's the proper device.
I want to press it! said Evanna.
Evanna grabbed the device, and pressed the button. At that exact moment the train, full of
vampires, exploded, and flipped off course, turning into a fiery wreck. Anything within close proximity
was obliterated, including an unfortunate rabbit.

Wow, said Marilyn. I just realized something. You destroyed the train tracks. Won't that be a
problem for other trains?
I'm sad for the lil rabbit, Evanna cried.
If I'm honest, said Domingus, I never really thought about the secondary consequences.
Well, you should've, said Marilyn. What if people are late for work?
Who cares if people are late for work? said Laura. That was an awesome explosion!
And Laura put her hand up, and high-fived Domingus.
Chapter 15: Gone Batty
Evanna, Marilyn, Laura, and Domingus climbed out of the lake, and began walking down what
remained of the train tracks. They continued on for hours, without any idea where they were going.
Their mobile phones, from being wet, were nonfunctional. Then they reached the end of the train
tracks. There was nothing more. It led to the opening of a forest, and abruptly stopped.
Are we there yet? said Evanna.
No, said Laura, it appears we are not.
Oooh, a forest, said Domingus. I love nature. The little red squirrels make me giggle.
Aaah, me too, said Evanna.
Enough about the red squirrels, said Marilyn. My feet are aching. Where are we?
Evanna read a sign stuck in the ground. Mm, it appears we are at the entrance of a forbidden
forest. Oooh, and the fruits are forbidden as well.
I won't let a sign tell me what to do, said Domingus.
And he grabbed something that looked like a deformed apple, off of a tree, and took a bite.
Immediately, he fell to the ground, and grabbed his belly, writhing in pain.
What's it taste like? said Laura.
Acid, Domingus groaned.
Citric acid? said Evanna.
No, said Domingus, and then he passed out.
Omigoodness, said Evanna, he's went unconscious.
What do we do? said Marilyn.
Someone will have to carry him, said Laura.
Well, Laura, said Marilyn, you're the strongest out of all of us.
You're right, said Laura. I am.
Evanna struggled carrying Domingus on her back as she, and her sisters entered the forest.
Despite the train waiter's 270 pounds of weight she somehow managed.
I'm going to die, said Evanna.
Quit complaining, said Laura. He's not that heavy.
He weighs more than Johnny Vegas, said Evanna.
I don't know who that is, said Laura, but I thoroughly disagree.
Suddenly a long shadow whooshed past the Lynch sisters.
Did you see that? said Marilyn.
I did, I did see that! said Evanna.
It was probably just an animall, said Laura.
Maybe not, said Marilyn.
Laura intensified the flame over her ruby wand to cast more light. She stretched out her neck,
and looked out. The same shadow whizzed by them again.
There it is again, said Marilyn.
I think we should turn around and leave, said Evanna.

Evanna dropped Domingus, and ran in the opposite direction,

Don't split off from the group! said Laura. That's how you get killed!
But Evanna ran off anyway, and the thing that was the shadow dropped down in front of her. It
was a giant, vampire bat, as large as human being.
Oh no, said Evanna.
The giant bat flapped its wings, and hopped towards Evanna, as if playing with its prey. Then as
it was about to lunge forward, Evanna (not knowing what else to do) took out her sapphire wand, and
pointed it forward. From the tip of the sapphire wand came a chilling blast, of wind, and snow, and then
the giant bat became encased in ice up to its neck.
Marilyn, and Laura caught up with Evanna, and looked upon the giant bat, still opening, and
closing its mouth, screeching to the high heavens.
Holy guacamole, said Marilyn. A giant bat!
Holy guacamole? Laura repeated. Who says that?
I figured out what my wand does, said Evanna in a giddy voice. It can blast out ice.
Opposite of my wand, said Laura.
Marilyn looked at her own wand, the one with the diamond tip. I still haven't figure out what
mine does...
Look at the size of that thing! said Laura. She went up to the bad, and poked its eyeball.
How does a bat get this large?
Don't poke it, said Evanna.
Why not? said Laura.
She poked the giant bat again.
It's an animal! said Evanna, with a large exclamation point. You should be nice to him.
Him? said Laura. Ha. As if it's a person.
Please, said Evanna. Can't you see he's hurt?We should set him free into the ether, where he
belongs.
Evanna hugged the ice block that encased the giant bat.
We are not freeing that bat, said Marilyn.
It's not just a regular bat, said Evanna. It's a giant bat. It's probably an endangered species.
Laura groaned.
Please, said Evanna, almost in tears. Can't you see Mr. Bat is in great pain?
Mr. Bat? said Marilyn. He's not a human. Oh, God! Now you got me doing it too. Why am I
saying 'he'?
Evanna got down on her knees, and begged Laura, with clasped hands. Big sis, don't let this
majestic creature die. It is we who entered his forbidden forest, not the other way around.
Laura put her hands on her hips. Ah, fine. Whatever. Stand behind the trees, okay?
Marilyn, and Laura went behind a tree for cover.
Alright, said Laura, cracking her knuckles, here we go.
Laura retrieved her wand, and held it out. She concentrated, and made the ruby tip glow a
searing, bright color. Then she pushed it into the block of ice, encasing the giant bat. Soon the ice
began to melt, and the bat broke free. It spread its wings, and knocked back Laura.
Laura went oof! and the bat sped past her, and headed for Domingus, who was still
unconscious. The giant bat, wrapped its claws around Domingus' shoulders, and began lifting him into
the air. Laura ran to grab Domingus, but only caught him by a loose thread on his trousers, which began
unraveling when he turned airborne.
The giant bat, took him high into the night sky, and disappeared, rushing past the orange moon.
Stop! said a voice familiar. Hold that thread!
Laura looked, and saw that the voice belonged to one Beatrix Hunter.
Don't let go of that thread, said Beatrix Hunter. We can use that to follow the bat.

Beatrix hopped down from her carriage, being pulled by two white horses.
You've returned, said Laura.
Never left, said Beatrix.
Marilyn and Evanna came out of the woodwork.
Hellooo, said Evanna.
Yes, hello, said Marilyn.
Hello to you too, said Beatrix.
What are you doing here? said Laura.
That giant bat holds the key to killing all the vampires, said Beatrix. I've been chasing it for
years. Get into my carriage, and I'll explain. Don't let go of that thread now, y'hear?
I won't, said Laura.
And she, and the rest of the Lynch sisters got into the carriage. Laura went to the front with
Beatrix, holding the thread attached to Domingus. Evanna and Marilyn took the backseats.
Ready? said Beatrix.
For what? said Marilyn.
This! said Beatrix, and she whipped her horses.
Marilyn, Laura, and Evanna were thrust back into their seats as the carriage went down the
forest path at an alarming speed. It followed the thread attached to Domingus, who who was still being
carried away by the giant bat.
These horses are awfully fast, Evanna said, her voice shaking as the carriage sped over
bumpy ground.
It's two horse power, said Beatrix, but it feels like three, no?
I estimate we're going 30 to 35 kilometers an hour, said Marilyn.
How long do I have to hold this string for? said Laura.
Tie it down, said Beatrix.
So, that's what Laura did. She tied it to the carriage, and freed up her arm.
By the way, said Beatrix, keep your arms inside.
Why? said Evanna.
You might lose 'em, said Beatrix. Don't you know about the vampire bunnies?
I didn't know that was real, said Evanna. They must be cute.
They are, said Beatrix, but they will bite your arms, and fingers, if you leave them dangling
out. Oh, look, there's one now.
Beatrix took out her dagger, and impaled a vampire bunny, trying to climb aboard the carriage.
She showed it to Evanna.
Check it out, said Beatrix.
Oh God, said Evanna.
She looked at the vampire bunny that had its back arched, and tongue hanging out its mouth.
Sure, it was a vampire, with fangs and all, but it still looked very cute.
I thought these vampires were supposed to burst into flames, or ashes, or smoke, or some such
shit like that, said Marilyn.
Oh no, not the bunnies, said Beatrix. They're not demonic creatures like human-style
vampires. No, they're more akin to vampire bats. They're products of evolution. Freaks of nature
really.
Evanna was in tears. You killed a poor, lil bunny...!
These things are vicious, vicious, I tells you, said Beatrix. Don't underestimate their strength.
I'm lucky I spotted this vampire bunny, and murdered it in time. Otherwise, hoo, boy, you don't know
what would happen.
It's just a bunny, said Evanna.
I told you, said Beatrix, it's not just aaaah!

Suddenly a vampire bunny jumped onto Beatrix's face, causing her to lose control of her horses.
The horses veered off course, sending the carriage down a steep hill.
We're gonna die! said Marilyn. I haven't even had my first kiss yet!
Evanna yelled, I forgot to return my library books!
Then Laura calmly added, Just remembered. I didn't lock the front door after we left home.
You think anyone will break in?
A second later there was the sound of a crash Keraassh! as the carriage collided into a big
tree. Beatrix rushed to get everyone out, and, a moment after, the two horses alongside exploded,
sending hamburger meat flying everywhere.
Ohhn, my head, Laura groaned.
The Lynch sisters got to their feet.
Did those two horses just explode? said Marilyn.
The poor horsies, cried Evanna.
Never mind the horsies, said Beatrix, standing up. We've lost the giant bat. I'm so angry I
could use a grawlix right now.
Wow there have been so many explosions lately, said Laura. I feel like I'm in a Michael Bay
movie... Wait, you were saying something about a bat?
Yes, the giant bat, said Beatrix. Do you all not know about the giant bat?
We only wanna find our lil bro, and cat, said Evanna. We don't care about a giant bat.
Poor Winston, said Marilyn. He must be all lonely and scared in that castle. You know, guys
aren't as tough as girls. After all, we do push human beings out of our cooters. Eventually.
Castle? We're heading to a castle? said Laura.
Yeah, said Marilyn. Winston's in a castle in Doobendubenshire. 333 Bloodroad, apparently.
This whole time I thought we were going to stop off at a motel, and get something to eat, said
Laura. I'm tired. And hungry. I'm so hungry I could eat a hors...you know what, never mind.
Beatrix waved her arms.
THE BAT! she said. Is anyone listening to me? What's going on here? Does no one want an
explanation about the giant bat?
We've had a rough day, said Evanna.
Listen, said Beatrix. We need to find this giant bat. This giant bat's thousands of years old. It
existed during the time of our lord and savior.
Not that I believe that, said Laura, but so what?
According to legend, said Beatrix, when Jesus was ascending to heaven this giant vampire
bat attacked him... Only it wasn't a giant bat at the time. It was just a regular vampire bat, and it sucked
out Jesus' blood. That made it grow really huge, and gave it immortality. Now what courses through its
veins is extremely lethal to human vampires. Specifically, the head vampire. And if we kill off the head
vampire it will kill off all of his descendants, or anyone who's been affected by him. That, my friend, is
a lot of dead vampires.
Who is this head vampire again? said Evanna.
Vladimir Koychev, said Beatrix. It is believed that he is living in a castle in
Doobendubenshire: 333 Bloodroad.
Wait, so, let me get this straight, said Marilyn. We have to find the giant bat, and extract its
blood to kill this head vampire guy?
Yes, said Beatrix.
Is no one worried about that fellow from the train, who was taken away by the bat? said
Evanna.
What're we gonna do? He's probably dead by now, said Marilyn.
Evanna began tearing up. He never got to be reunited with his G.F. named Priscilla.
OK, said Beatrix, are you going to help me find this giant bat, or what?

No, said Laura. We don't have time. We have to find our brother, and our cat. That's the first
thing we have to do. Marilyn, you say he's at this castle?
Yes, said Marilyn.
Then we'll go there, said Laura. Come on. We'll find the nearest town, and take a night's
rest.
Laura began walking, leading the others.
Listen to me, said Beatrix. Vlad is protecting that castle your brother is in. He is going to be
a threat to you all. We need a way to kill him.
You only want the loot he drops, said Laura.
No, said Beatrix. I want his loot and the glory that comes from slaying the head of an
ancient order of demonic creatures. I mean, what a story to tell the grand kids, huh?
I don't know, said Laura. I'm not in the mood to go on a wild goose chase. Or as it is, a bat
chase.
Please, said Beatrix.
Why do you want our help? said Marilyn. You're perfectly capable of doing this on your
own. You know everything we know times a thousand.
Do you not know about the legends? said Beatrix.
I barely know how to spell my middle name, said Evanna.
The legends say that there are three Irish sisters, who chase all the vampires out of the UK,
said Beatrix. Thus, I believe we are bound to fight together.
Where'd your hear this? said Laura.
On the internet, said Beatrix.
Yah, may as well say it came out your arse, said Laura.
The Lynch sisters giggled.
Fine, said Beatrix. Forget the legends. Legends my foot! I will do this all on my own!
Goodday to you all!
Then she did a cartwheel, and disappeared into the thicket of the forest.
Jay-zuss, said Laura. What sort of woman cartwheels away?
A woman who knows showmanship, said Evanna, that's who.
I dunno, said Marilyn. Maybe we should've gone with her to chase that giant bat.
Maybe, said Laura.
Oh, look! said Evanna, with a clap. We've reached civilization!
The Lynch sisters stopped at a sign, and saw they were in a place called Cat Town USA.
Chapter 16: Cat Town USA
Cat Town USA? said Evanna. Have we really been walking so long that we reached the United
States of America?
Yes, said Marilyn. We've walked from the United Kingdom all the way over to a country that
is separated by an enormous body of water.
Enough with the sarcasm, said Laura, we've reached a town, and that's all that matters. Let's
go find somewhere to sleep.
The Lynch sisters crept into Cat Town USA, and looked around for any sort of lodgings
available. But as it turned out this task seemed rather difficult. Every building encountered was of a
diminutive size.
Is anyone noticing a pattern here? said Marilyn.
Yes, said Evanna. Everything is so cute.
Besides that, said Marilyn.
All the buildings are really tiny, said Laura. What the bloody hell is going on here?

Evanna bent over, and looked into the window of a tiny house that was no more than 4 feet
high. Then a cat's face appeared in the glass. It was gray and fluffy, with long whiskers.
Oooh! said Evanna. A cute, lil cat! Let's pet it!
Evanna opened the door to the tiny house, and the gray, fluffy feline that was inside came out
along with twelve other cats.
So many cats, said Evanna. What to do?
She laid down on the ground, and let the cats lay on top of her. They seemed to enjoy resting on
her. They curled up into balls almost right away.
They're so warm, and cozy here, said Evanna. Do you guys want to try?
No, not really, said Marilyn.
I'm way too tired for this, said Laura. Please get up, Evanna.
But the cats, said Evanna. They need cuddlin'.
Now, please. said Laura.
Evanna shooed the cats away, and sat up. When she did she noticed a young woman staring in
the distance. This young woman was dressed in a cat costume. She was orange, with stripes, and had a
long tail dragging on the ground. Her name was Emma Catson.
You there! said Emma Catson. What are you doing on my property? Are you a cat? If not,
you have to leave.
Sometimes I think I'm a cat, said Evanna. But, erm, no, I am not a cat.
Emma Catson approached the sisters. Then you, and your bodyguards must vamoose.
I'm not a bodyguard, said Laura.
Me too, said Marilyn.
You misunderstand, said Evanna. These are my two older sisters. We're from Ireland. Have
you heard of it?
Can't say I have, said Emma Catson.
Why are you dressed in a cat costume? said Marilyn.
I'm mad about cats, said Emma Catson. Absolutely mad.
Emma Catson picked up one of the cats, and put its head into her mouth. She uttered something
indecipherable, then put the cat back down, who now had drool on his head.
Wow, said Marilyn. You really are mad.
I am, said Emma Catson, and I would like you non-cats to leave.
Non-catus, huh? said Laura. Well, you're not a cat either.
I am too! said Emma Catson.
Other than the costume, said Laura, you look pretty human.
Don't let appearances deceive you, said Emma Catson. I genuinely am a cat. Watch me,
please.
Emma Catson crawled around on the floor, and suddenly leapt ahead, and, using her paws, I
mean her hands, she caught a wild mouse. She took the mouse, and swallowed it whole, dropping it
into her gullet.
Agh! Evanna cried. You ate the poor lil mouse!
See, I am a cat, said Emma Catson.
Swallowing a mouse doesn't make you a cat, said Marilyn. It makes you an unhygienic
individual.
Emma Catson became livid, and bit Marilyn on the ankle. I AM A CAT! I AM A CAT! YOU
DON'T KNOW THAT I'M NOT A CAT!
Marilyn stepped back. Jay-zuss! What is wrong with you?!
Emma Catson started meowing. Meow! Meow! MEOOOW!
Listen up, said Laura. We're lost, we're tired, and we're hungry. We just want a room to sleep
in. Can you help us?

I can't help you, said Emma Catson. I'm a cat. Cats are jerks. Generally speaking.
So, we can't get a place to stay? said Laura.
Don't know if I want to stay here, said Marilyn.
Please, said Evanna. Help us out?
I'm sorry, said Emma Catson. It is not within my power. You will have to speak with the
mayor of Cat Town USA, if you want lodgings.
The mayor? said Evanna.
Is there an echo in here? said Emma Catson.
Echo? said Evanna.
Harumph, said Emma Catson. The three of you are so clueless. Out of pity, I shall lead you
to the mayor of this town. But if you want to get there quickly, please do not distract me with a laser
pointer. Those things drive me crazy.
Okay, said Laura.
Then Emma Catson led the Lynch Sisters to a place called Kitty Hall. Kitty Hall was like any
other city hall you'd see in a town, except cuter, and smaller.
Here we go, said Emma Catson. Crawl on through the door, and we can see the mayor.
Seriously? said Marilyn.
So serious, said Emma Catson.
Emma Catson popped open the front door of Kitty Hall, and led the Lynch sister inside. They
came upon an area that looked something like the Oval Office of the White House in America. Made
sense, since the town was called Cat Town USA.
Here we are, said Emma Catson. The mayor's humble abode.
Emma Catson, keeping her head low, crawled behind the desk, and sat on the tiny chair.
What are you doing? said Laura.
Hello, said Emma Catson. I'm the mayor of Cat Town USA. How may I helps you?
Seriously? said Marilyn.
Meow! What do you want? said Emma Catson.
We want a hotel room to sleep in, said Evanna. We're weary from travel.
If possible, said Laura, something human-sized, please.
Emma Catson leapt atop her desk, and sat down like a cat.
You ask much of me, she said. But I will only help you on the condition that you help me.
What do you want? said Evanna. I'll do anything... ANYTHING.
A ball of red yarn, said Emma Catson. A BALL OF RED YARD! DO YOU HAVE?
Why would any of us have red yarn? said Marilyn.
Forget this, said Laura. Let's go. She stood up, and hit her head on the ceiling, and bounced
back into her seat. Damnit!
Relax, said Evanna. Remember I do knitting?
Evanna went in her purse, and took out a ball of red yarn. She tossed it to Emma Catson. Emma
Catson turned onto her back, and played with the red ball of yarn as if it was the most interesting thing
in the world.
Is it just me? said Marilyn. Or does anyone else think this young woman is mentally ill?
She's English, said Laura. Of course she's mentally ill. Ah-ha-ha.
Let us not be prejudice of the English, said Evanna. They've created many good things.
Like what? said Laura.
You know, said Evanna. Ermmm, books they invented books!
No, they didn't, said Marilyn. Books were invented by the early Christians, to carrying
around their religious texts, and the printing press was created by China.
Evanna looked up at everyone with her big, blue eyes, and then began crying. No one likes the
English, but, but I do!

Don't cry, said Emma Catson, and she jumped on Evanna's lap, and stroked her hair to
comfort her. I will help you, an' your sisses out. Come! I shall take you to your beds, and you will feel
better after a good night's rest.
Emma Catson hopped down to the floor, and the Lynch sisters followed. Emma Catson led them
outside to a nearby hotel called Hotel Catifornia. Emma Catson knocked on the door of Hotel
Catifornia. A striped orange cat came out, and meowed, as if talking.
Hullo, said Emma Catson. She shook the orange cat's paw. How do you do? I have three
guests that need to stay here, but they're poor, and shiftless, and Irish. Can they sleep here for free?
The orange cat shook its head.
Come on! said Emma Catson. I've done you many favors over the years. Remember when
your ear broke, and I fixed it by flicking it back into place? Ah-ha, you do remember, don't you?
The orange cat shrugged.
You ingrate! said Emma Catson. I ought to put you in a sack, and throw you into a river!
The orange cat sighed, and stepped aside.
Looks like he's agreed to let you guys stay, Emma Catson said with a grin. You three are in
for a real treat. This is the most luxurious hotel in town. They have a beautiful fountain inside that
contains lactose free milk. Dunk your face in, and drink till you're full, I say. That's what I did last time.
I had such a tummy ache.
I look forward to trying that, said Evanna, and she, and Marilyn, and Laura crawled inside the
hotel.
The hotel, considering it was made for cats, was actually quite spacious There was just enough
headroom for Evanna to stand up.
What do you think? said Emma Catson.
Laura looked around. Not bad. It reminds me of the MGM Grand, except no hookers, and
coke.
Glad you like it, said Emma Catson. Enjoy your stay. If you need anything you know where
to find me. I'll be at Kitty Hall, napping on a laptop computer.
And with that Emma Catson disappeared. The Lynch sisters were then shown to their room by
the orange cat.
Not bad, said Marilyn, her eyes scanning the room, but where are the beds?
Evanna pointed to three large cushions on the floor, which were fluffy, and shaped like flat
bowls, so as to comfortably receive guests.
Those aren't beds, said Laura. They look like something Kit Kat would sleep in. Or dad.
Exactly, said Evanna, and she ambled over to the cushions, and curled up inside of one. It's
more comfortable than it looks. Come on, and try it.
So, Marilyn, and Laura went into their cushions, and like their little sister, curled up in the fetal
position.
Mmm, it's nice, isn't it? said Evanna. You can feel the warmth of the heated floors.
I'd rather have a real bed, said Marilyn.
Me too, said Laura.
Shall I turn out the lights? said Evanna.
You don't want anything to eat? said Laura. How's about a shower?
Too tired, said Marilyn. I'll do that in the morning.
When she yawned, Evanna went to turn off the lights, then returned to her spot. The sisters
closed their eyes. They chatted to each other to pass the time before falling asleep.
I hope we find Kit Kat, and Winston, said Evanna. I miss them terribly.
I'm starting to have doubts about him being in that castle, said Marilyn. Maybe he's been
kidnapped by an Islamic extremist group, and has been beheaded.

Evanna began crying.

Look what you've done, said Laura.
I'm sorry, said Marilyn. Yeah, he's probably at the castle. Along with Kit Kat. I'm sure they
are alive and well.
Meanwhile...
Winston found himself still a prisoner in Vladimir Koychev's creepy castle. He was in the
basement, along with Domingus' girlfriend Priscilla, digging a tunnel in candlelight to only God knew
where.
All this digging is making my back hurt, said Winston.
Adolphus Koychev whipped Winston's back. QUIET, YOU DIGGER!
Did you just call me a racial slur? said Winston.
Ah, no, sorry, said Adolphus. I said DIGGER.
Oh, said Winston, I guess that's okay.
Adolphus whipped Winston again. I SAID NO TALKING!
Priscilla stopped digging, and turned her head. You don't have to whip people all the time. You
know the saying, you catch more flies with honey than physical torture.
Hey, said Winston, how come you're not whipping her for talking? Has the moratorium on
talking been lifted?
Adolphus whipped Winston's arse.
Ow! went Winston.
She is an attractive woman, Adolphus explained. Meaning, I have double standards.
Yes, Priscilla said sarcastically, thank you for not whipping me.
I'm hoping that we can go out some time? said Adolphus.
I'm a prisoner here, said Priscilla. You're forcing me to dig a tunnel in candle light. What
makes you think I would go out on a date with you?
I could kill you, said Adolphus.
When shall we have our date? said Priscilla.
Chapter 17: Meanwhile
Meanwhile, back in the little, tiny town of Termonfeckin, Ireland...
Margaret and Donald were worried about their children, and their cat. They went to visit the
local church to see what Father Morose could do about it. It was rumored that he had secret, mystical
powers, much like the pope.
Hello, Father, said Margaret.
Father Morose was busy, reading Lord of the Rings.
Donald cleared his throat. FATHER, we'd like to speak with you.
Father Morose glanced up. Then he put a bookmark in his book, and put it away.
Yo! he said, with a backwards Toronto Blue Jays baseball cap on his head. How can I help?
What's with the backwards baseball cap? said Donald.
I'm trying to look gangsta, said Father Morose.
Right, said Donald.
Now what can I do for yah? said Father Morose.
We are in quite the dilemma, said Margaret, as you may have heard on Twitter, all of our
children are missing.
Is that all? said Father Morose. He put his hands together. I shall be sure to pray for you
then.
That's all you're going to do? Pray? said Donald in an irritated tone. You may as well do
nothing!

Everyone in the church gasped. There were a lot of them, at least a few dozen, since mass was
taking place on this very fine Sunday morning.
Why are you bothering me now, while I'm conducting mass? said Father Morose. Can't you
see you're upsetting the children?
No children were upset.
If this is so important to you, said Margaret, why were you reading a novel?
I was bored, said Father Morose. As you know, non-black churches are really, really boring.
Father Morose, said Margaret, we really need your help. Now, please.
What do you want me to do? said Father Morose. Call off mass? Fine! I'll call off mass!
You don't have to do that, said Margaret.
But Father Morose stood in front of the podium, and and clapped. Okay, everyone, go home.
I'm canceling mass early. Does anyone here mind?
All at once all the church attendees, jumped out their pews, and ran for the doors. In a moment
they were gone, leaving only behind a ball of tumbleweed.
Okay then, said Father Morose. What were you saying?
Our children are missing, said Margaret.
How do you think I should help? said Father Morose. It's not like I have secret, mystical
powers.
You do! said Margaret. We know it!
Admit it, said Donald. At the Christmas party, we saw you turning water into Kool-Aid.
Now, it's not wine anything, but still quite impressive.
Ah, so, said Father Morose. I was being watched that night. Well, if you must know, I do
possess some magic powers.
He then pulled a rabbit out of his hat, did a card trick, and made a coin disappear. Donald
clapped in excitement. Margaret, however, was not so agreeable.
Enough with the magic tricks! she yelled.
Alright, alright, said Father Morose. I will help you find your children, but you must be
sworn to secrecy.
No, said Margaret. As a woman it is my right to gossip.
Fine, said Father Morose, I don't care. So what if people find out I'm a wizard?
A real wizard? said Donald. I thought magic was fake like the moon landing.
Come along, said Father Morose. I shall show you my chamber of, erm, stuff.
Father Morose then led Margaret, and Donald to a confessional. The three of them gathered
inside together. It was a tight squeeze, but they were all able to fit.
What are we doing here? said Margaret. Shouldn't you be on the other side?
This is a lift, said Father Morose. Watch.
Father Morose clapped his hands, and the confessional went down just as a lift would, and the
three found themselves in a hidden chamber in the church. The chamber was old, and musky, and was
decorated with all manner of ancient relics, and antiques. On the walls there were gargoyles with
flames in their mouths, which lit the surrounding areas.
What is this place? said Margaret, stepping out of the confessional. It smells dank.
It does not smell dank, said Father Morose.
Wait, said Donald. How did you manage to keep this a secret all this time? I've been coming
here my entire life.
Hey, what can I say? said Father Morose. I'm a good secret keeper.
So, besides us, no one's ever found out? said Donald.
No, said Father Morose.
The trigger to get the lift working is clapping, said Donald. No one's ever clapped around
here?

Church is a sad place, full of sin, regrets, and people burning in hell, said Father Morose.
Why would anyone be clapping?
Fair point, but what about songs during mass? said Donald. Surely someone
Nope, it's never come up, said Father Morose. Remember this is not black people's church.
There's no clapping or joy of any kind whatsoever. Did yah happen to notice the fella on the big piece
of timber? We take things very seriously around here.
Point taken, said Donald.
Now, what've you to show us? said Margaret.
This way, please, said Father Morose.
He led Donald and Margaret to an old table full of items. Father Morose picked up a silver
whistle.
This is an enchanted whistle, said Father Morose. You remember that dragon Saint George
allegedly slayed?
No, said Donald. I wasn't around in those times.
Well, said Father Morose, that dragon is still alive. Much like Jesus Christ and/or the holy
spirit, dragons are immortal.
What are you saying? said Margaret.
I have control of this dragon, said Father Morose. I can call upon Saint George's dragon to
find your children. All I need are articles of their clothing that have their scent. The dragon is much like
a bloodhound.
You're pulling our legs, aren't you? said Donald. Ho-ho. Very funny, father. Actually, not so
funny, our children are still missing.
I'm not lying, said Father Morose. Let us go out, and I shall show you.
Oooh, 'shall,' said Margaret, how formal.
So, Father Morose, leading once again, took Margaret, and Donald outside into the misty
morning. Father Morose put the whistle in his mouth, and blew. There was shrill sound that made all
the birds in the trees fly away.
Donald and Margaret tilted their heads up, looking up into the sky. It was quite empty. THEN
they heard the beating of some very large wings, and a rainbow coloured dragon landed upon the
ground. When it roared Donald nearly fell down, but Margaret caught him in her arms.
Easy now, said Margaret.
A d-d-dragon, said Donald. A real live dragon. And it's looking quite gay.
Father Morose petted the dragon's scaly nose.
My Lord Jesus, said Donald, trying to take it all in. Not only do dragons exist, but they're
incredibly fabulous. Do you know what this will mean to the scientific community? This is the greatest
discovery since sliced bread.
Donald, said Father Morose, you can't tell anyone about this dragon.
Why not? said Donald.
The dragon is very shy, said Father Morose. He could not handle all the attention, and, if I'm
honest, he enjoys his privacy.
Fine, we'll keep our gobs shut, said Margaret. Let's just use this thing to find our kids
already.
Do you have any garments that your children have worn? said Father Morose.
On me? said Margaret.
That would be weird, said Father Morose. I was more thinking we'd head to your place.
Margaret slapped her forehead. Aaah, damnit to hell...! I mean, ooh, erm, I'm sorry about the
swearing, Father.
It's okay, said Father Morose. Hell is a church word. Now, you were saying?
I just remembered, said Margaret, I washed all my children's clothes the other day.

Nooooo! said Donald. Your cleanliness has doomed our family.

Margaret began crying.
So, said Donald, that's where Evanna gets her crying habit from.
Don't worry, said Father Morose, patting Margaret on the shoulder, all is not lost. This
rainbow themed dragon doesn't have to find your kids by scent. Do you have a photo of them?
Margaret gave Father Morose a photo of Evanna, Marilyn, Laura, and Winston.
I will show this photo to the dragon, and he will fly around looking for them, said Father
Morose. But I have to say, I'm not entirely sure it will work. The dragon's vision isn't as sharp as it
used to be.
How bad is its vision? said Donald.
We will see, said Father Morose.
Then he showed the photo of the Lynch siblings to the dragon.
Go forth, and find these four young Irish people, Father Morose commanded, and the dragon
flapped its wings, and disappeared into a large cloud.
Father Morose seemed satisfied, crossing his arms with a smug look on his face. I think it's
worked.
Wait a minute, said Donald. You never specified what the dragon should do with them once
he's found them.
Oh, yes, I seem to have forgotten, said Father Morose. Well, what's the worst that could
happen?
He mighty eat them, said Donald.
Father Morose jumped up, and frantically blew on his silver whistle, calling back the dragon.
The dragon returned, touching down to the ground with a dog in its mouth.
Put that dog down, said Father Morose. (The dragon lowered its jaw, and let the dog out,
which promptly ran off whimpering) Now, I want you to go back, and find those kids, but DO NOT, I
repeat, DO NOT eat them. They are snacks. I MEAN THEY ARE NOT SNACKS. Bring them back to
me, alive, and each in one piece. If you really get hungry consider eating a protestant instead, okay?
The dragon nodded.
Now, go on! said Father Morose. Fly away, my pretty!
Then once again the dragon leapt up into the sky, and disappeared.
Chapter 18: Leaving Cat Town USA
After getting sufficient rest, and having a filling breakfast, Laura, Marilyn, and Evanna prepared to
leave Cat Town USA. Emma Catson licked all their faces, and told them goodbye.
Goodbye, said Emma Catson. Take care of yourselves. I know we cats and humans don't
always get along, but I will miss the three of you. After all, you helped me discover the meaning of
life.
Which is? said Laura.
Every life has its own meaning, said Emma Catson, and even though I dropped out of
university, and ran away from home, I know that I'm doing the right thing by using my inheritance
money to run a tiny town populated with cats.
I hear yah, said Evanna. You're totally right. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Emma Catson nodded.
Erm, alright then, said Laura. We must be getting on now.
Good bye, said Marilyn.
Good bye, said the Lynch sisters.
Then they went on their way, and walked down the path leading away from Cat Town USA. The
path was quite, not a noise but the blowing wind, and birds chirping. The Lynch sisters looked back

once in a while, wondering whether they'd ever revisit Cat Town USA.
Laura held out a map from Emma Catson, giving them directions to Doobendubenshire. It was
drawn in crayon.
You sure that map's reliable? said Marilyn.
What else do we have to go on? said Laura.
Laura glanced at her compass.
We should just backtrack, said Marilyn.
No backtracking, said Laura. Backtracking is for loserds.
Loserds? said Marilyn.
Shhh! I'm busy looking at the map, said Laura. Can't figure out if the smiley face actually
means something, or it's just there for fun. Evanna, what do you think?
Evanna was busy skipping along with a big smile on her face.
Never mind, said Laura. I'll figure it out.
I have a question, said Marilyn, why is it that you get to be the leader? How about I lead for
once?
Do you really want to lead? Do you want to take responsibility for what happens to all of us?
said Laura.
Responsibility? said Marilyn. You never take responsibility for anything. Remember when
you broke mam's vase that she got from Jerusalem? You blamed it on the dog.
So? said Laura.
We don't have a dog, said Marilyn.
You bring about a good point, said Laura. But I will continue to lead we sisters, because I'm
the oldest, and therefore the wisest. With age comes wisdom... Well, not always, but I assume its the
case for me.
Marilyn rolled her eyes. Laura, then put her arms out, and stopped everyone.
Gasp, Laura went. We've arrived.
Where? said Evanna.
Laura pointed to the map in her hand. Mount Imminent Death.
Is there any way around it? said Evanna.
There's another path, said Laura, but it's also a mountain.
What's it called? said Marilyn.
Laura lifted her head to look at Marilyn, and Evanna. Mount English.
Well, said Evanna, I think it's obvious where we ought to go.
And so the Lynch sisters made their way up Mount Imminent Death. They needed to get to the
peak to reach the other side, but it would prove to be a long, arduous journey. Many hours passed, and
the sisters were only half way up after having fought off a mountain lion, and, for some reason, a
moose. They were incredibly tired.
Bloody hell, said Marilyn. I'm 'bout to drop dead right now.
Laura has metaphorically led us down a dark path, said Evanna. I say we throw a mutiny.
Mutiny! Marilyn repeated.
Calm your boners, said Laura.
We will not calm our boners, said Evanna. Mutiny!
Mutiny! said Marilyn.
Look, said Laura, we're all just a bit tired. Let's take a rest first, and then think this mutiny
thing over when we're refreshed, hmm?
Okay, said Evanna. I'm not sure I have the energy for a mutiny anyway.
Look, said Laura, there's a cave there. Let's head in for shelter.
Yeah, sure, said Marilyn. What could go wrong?
So, the Lynch sisters went into the cave for refuge. As soon as they entered they noticed writing

on the wall made of rock. There was a message that said: All trespassers beware. This cave is full of
harmless but mildly annoying booby traps.
Do you see that? said Evanna. Booby...traps.
But harmless booby...traps, said Marilyn.
I don't even know what that means, said Laura. Why would you place harmless booby traps
anywhere? What's the point?
I don't know the point, said Evanna, but I'm afraid of what surprises are in store for us.
Then tread carefully, said Marilyn, for we are about to enter the belly of the beast.
Slowly walking the Lynch sisters entered deeper into the cave to escape the cold winds of the
mountain. When they were in well enough to be hidden from the elements Evanna tripped over a wire,
and fell.
Gasp, went Laura, you've tripped over some sort of wire.
Am shitting myself! Marilyn screamed. Let's get out of here!
But the booby trap laid for the Lynch sisters set in motion, and a boxing glove on a spring
popped out of the wall, and punched Marilyn in the mouth to which Laura laughed. Wah-ha-ha! Did
you see that? The glove punched her right in the freakin' gob! This is by far the funniest thing I have
ever seen in my entire life!
Then a second boxing glove came out the wall, and punched Laura in the face too. Laura was
taken aback by the poetic justice. All three sisters were now, together, lying on the cold, hard ground.
Not a good day for the Lynch, said Evanna.
I would say that this is more than mildly annoying, said Marilyn.
At least we're alive, said Laura. We've got the luck of the Irish.
Actually, said Marilyn, that phrase 'luck of the Irish' is a pejorative saying. It was once used
to insult Irish people, implying that we prospered because of luck as opposed to our wits.
Well then, said Laura, thanks for cheering up the mood.
You're welcome,s aid Marilyn.
The Lynch sisters stood up, and decided to make their way further down the cave. There were
no annoying booby traps to slow them down, and they found a nook, where they could sit. The trio
gathered around Laura's ruby wand which gave off a much needed flame.
This sucks, said Marilyn.
Must you be so negative? said Laura.
Yes, said Marilyn.
Think of this as a camping trip, said Evanna. Look at us, gathered around a fire, surviving in
the wilderness. Ooooh, let's tell ghost stories. Once upon a time there was a ghost, and he was very,
ummm, ghosty.
What was his name? said Laura.
Evanna thought. Er, ghosty... Ghost McGhost.
For Godsakes, said Marilyn, you couldn't make up a better name?
Writing is very difficult, said Evanna. One time I tried writing a novel. It was so frustrating
that I cried, and curled up in a little ball on the floor... I only wrote two pages.
Never mind the ghost stories, said Laura. Let's just enjoy the peace, and quiet. Okay?
Okay, said Marilyn.
Okay, said Evanna.
ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!
The Lynch sisters jumped up on hearing the roar of some sort of wild animal. They got to their
feet, and all turned in the same direction, towards the source of the noise.
What is it this time? said Marilyn.
Maybe it's a polar bear, said Evanna.
A polar bear? said Marilyn. A polar bear, living in the United Kingdom?

They have them in Canada, said Evanna. Why not here?

Forget it, said Marilyn.
Stop yammering, said Laura. We don't want to attract attention. But prepare to defend
yourself.
My wand doesn't work, said Marilyn. You guys got a fire wand, and a wand that can make
ice. What do I have?
Laura picked up a stick on the ground, and handed it to Marilyn.
If anything comes near you, said Laura, you can use this stick.
A stick? said Marilyn. You expect me to defend myself with a stick?
It's a pretty big stick, said Laura.
Yes, but it's still a stick, said Marilyn.
Oh, will you quit complaining, said Laura. You know there are children in Africa who don't
have sticks at all? You should be grateful that you live in the west, where everyone has the opportunity
to own a stick. Not everyone can be so lucky.
As Marilyn sighed the roar of the wild animal in the cave was heard once again. The Lynch
sisters gathered closer together than before, and then saw that which was threatening them: a rainbow
colored dragon.
The sisters not knowing about their parents' plan to find them took this somewhat frightening
beast as a threat.
Stay back! said Laura, and she used her ruby wand to blast the dragon with fire.
The dragon, however, was unaffected.
It's a dragon, said Evanna Fire doesn't do anything. Instead, I shall give it a blast of ice!
But the Evanna's sapphire wand did nothing. The dragon just used its fiery breath to melt away
the ice.
Ahhh, said Evanna, observing. Extreme heat is not good for ice.
Desperate, Evanna, and Laura looked to Marilyn, hoping her big, juicy brain would have a
solution to their dilemma.
Got any ideas? said Laura.
Marilyn closed her eyes for a moment. In that moment she wracked her mind, thinking of a plan
to save her sisters. All she could come up with was throwing her stick at the dragon. The dragon, in the
midst of having another roar, received the stick in the back of its gullet. Immediately it began choking.
Then in what seemed a minute the scaly beast fell over, and died. It fell with a WHUMP!
Relieved, Evanna and Laura hugged Marilyn.
You did it, said Evanna. You saved us all from that gay dragon. Not that there's anything
wrong with being gay.
Yay, well done, said Laura. Although credit where credit is due the stick did do most of the
work.
Yes, said Evanna. New York Times raves: 'Praise for the stick.'
Okay, said Marilyn. I think I've heard enough compliments for today.
So then, Evanna, and Laura stopped hugging Marilyn, and they went over to the dragon to see it
up close. Evanna reached her hand out, and touched its colorful skin.
Such a beautiful, silky, smooth creature, said Evanna. It's a shame we had to kill him.
His sacrifice, said Laura, taking out a large knife, has saved our lives.
Wait, said Marilyn, if you had a knife all this time, why did you give me a stick to defend
myself?
Also, said Evanna, what are you doing?
You know that movie 'Stars Wars'? said Laura.
No, never heard of it, said Evanna. What's it about?
Never mind, said Laura. Just stand back, you two.

So, Evanna, and Marilyn stood back. Laura went to the belly of the dragon, and sliced it open
with her knife.
Ew! said Evanna. What the what the heck!
Listen, it's extremely cold, said Laura, and we can't sleep around a live flame. Get into the
dragon's belly, and that's where we'll snooze.
You want us to get into the belly of the beast? said Marilyn. This seems like a bad idea.
A yucky, gross idea, said Evanna.
We have no choice! said Laura. Now get into the dragon's belly!
So the Lynch sisters desperate for warmth, slipped into the belly's dragon feet first. They went
in all the way up to their necks. It was hot, sticky, and slimy all at the same time. It also stunk of rotting
meat.
I think I'm going to throw up, said Evanna.
Good, said Marilyn, maybe that will cover up the stench of the dragon's guts.
Come on now, said Laura. It's not that bad.
It smells like the unwashed anus of an Englishwoman, said Marilyn.
Oh, oh! And you know how that sort of thing smells? said Laura.
Well, no, said Marilyn, but I can't imagine it smelling any good either.
Chapter 19: A Mountain of Troubles
The Lynch sisters continued their journey up the mountain. After a long day of trekking they came to
its peak. They looked below as the winds blew at their hair. There was a path ahead of them that would
take them down.
Finally, said Marilyn, we've reached the top.
Now we can get down, and continue our most interesting journey on the other side, said
Evanna.
You don't need to narrate, said Laura. I know what's going on. I've been with you this whole
time.
Evanna sighed. My only regret is the death of that colorful dragon and the fact that we ate a
part of him for breakfast.
Here I thought you were a vegetarian, said Marilyn.
Except when I'm starving, said Evanna. Then I will eat anything that my body can digest.
Would you eat a dog? said Marilyn.
If I were starving, yes, said Evanna.
How about a cat? said Laura.
If I have to, said Evanna.
What about haggis? said Marilyn.
Ee-yuck! said Evanna. I'd rather die.
Really now? said Laura.
I was just kidding, said Evanna.
Oh... Oh! Wah-ha-ha-ha! Laura laughed. You are a card, Evanna! Have you ever thought
about being a stand up comedian?
It's never crossed my mind until now, said Evanna, but I might seriously consider it. I do do
an excellent impression of a crab. Would you like to see?
Do we really have time for this? said Marilyn.
It will only take a few seconds, said Evanna.
Let's see, said Laura.
Evanna, turned her feet out ward, put her arms up, and scuttled along. Laura held her sides,
while laughing. Even Marilyn laughed too. But as Evanna's luck would have it she took one step awry,

and tripped, and fell through a hole she wasn't paying attention to.
Marilyn, and Laura ran to the hole, and looked down it. Evanna was safe, having fallen onto
softened ground, although she was somewhat shaken up.
Evanna, said Laura, looking down, are you alright?
There was an echo.
My bum hurts, said Evanna.
Anything else? said Marilyn.
Your lack of concern about my bum is disturbing, said Evanna. If you must know my bum is
my most important asset.
Laura laughed. Wah-ha-ha-ha! I get it. ASSet.
I wasn't making a pun, said Evanna.
Oh, sorry, said Laura.
Never mind, said Evanna. Help me out of here, please.
Evanna got to her feet, and stretched out her arm; however, neither Laura nor Marilyn could
grab it.
I can't reach, said Evanna.
We know that, said Laura. We're not blind.
Help me, said Evanna. I'm scared. This looks like a place where Slender Man would live.
Well, I'm afraid you'll have to look around the place, said Marilyn, and see if you can find
anything that can help you climb out.
Evanna trembled, and looked around. She then yelled, Hey, I found a lift!
You what? said Laura.
Yah, said Evanna, I found a lift I don't know if it works. Let me check it out.
Wait, said Marilyn, it could be dangerous.
But Evanna checked the lift anyway. She went in, and went out. Everything seemed to be
functioning. She then went back to her sisters.
The lift is working! she said. Come on down!
Reluctantly, Laura, and Marilyn went down into the hole with Evanna. They all turned in the
same direction, and saw, indeed, there was a lift.
Son of a bitch, said Laura. There really is a lift down here. Who would want to build a lift
here?
Maybe this was once a tourist attraction, said Marilyn.
Either way, we can use it to get to ground level, said Evanna. It'll sure save us a lot of
walking. And you know how I feel about walking, I hate it. If I could have wheels, I totally would.
No animals have ever had wheels, said Marilyn. It's impossible.
You're wrong, said Evanna. One day, I will find an animal with wheels, and I will name him
'Wheeler.'
Okay, enough fantasizing for today, said Laura. Let's get in this lift, and get off this damned
mountain already.
And so the Lynch sisters went into the lift, and pressed the button marked G for ground. The
lift began moving at a steady pace. Then it became a little faster, and faster, and faster, and faster, until
the trio were floating up, being pushed up against the ceiling. Evanna screamed, and started crying
about how she never had her first Kiss an American chocolate she had been planning to try.
But then the lift began to decelerate, slowing down to a gradual pace, and then finally it
stopped... Ding! The Lynch sisters looked at one another, checking to see if everyone was alright. When
it was clear all were in good shape, Evanna thought it be appropriate to be swear.
Don't say that word, said Marilyn. It's quite rude.
Yes, said Laura, a lady shouldn't be speaking in such a crude manner.
Hey, we come from a town with a swear word in its name, said Evanna. You don't expect me

to curse once in a while?

Not like that, said Marilyn.
Never mind the swearing now, said Laura. We need to get out of here.
As soon as Laura said those words the doors to the lift opened up.
Chapter 20: Haggis Land
The Lynch sisters came out of the lift. As soon as they did the doors behind them closed, and they heard
a whooshing sound, as if it were going away. The Lynch sisters looked around, and saw they were in a
field, where the ground was covered only by moss, and the occasional rolling stone.
Where are we? said Laura.
In a field, said Evanna.
"Thank you for pointing that out, said Marilyn,. You're a genius.
And I'm the cutest of us three, said Evanna.
Oh God, she's being sarcastic, said Laura.
Or maybe you're just jealous, said Evanna, because I have a big, juicy brain. Well, I suppose
yours is big, too, considering we have roughly the same sized heads, but certainly yours is not as juicy
as mine.
Laura sneered. As if you're actually able to measure the juice content in your brain.
I haven't measured it, said Evanna, however, when I move my head I can hear all the juice
swishing around.
Laura had no reply to it. She continued walking, and let Evanna, and Marilyn follow behind.
The three sisters stopped when they came to a field of corn.
Oooh, corn, said Evanna.
She plucked a corn from the field, and threw it into the air.
What did you do that for? said Marilyn.
I don't much like corn, said Evanna. One time I was eating one, and it poked me in the eye.
Sisters, this is revenge.
Well, erm, it's not your property, said Laura. No more flinging of the corn, please. It's quite
rude. You're ruining some poor farmer's property.
Hey, I see a farm house ahead, Marilyn said, squinting, but it looks like a long walk around.
Or we could just cut through the corn field, but we don't want to damage anymore of the farmer's corn,
do we?
Laura began cutting through the corn field, as did Marilyn, and Evanna.
A few lost corn won't do anyone great harm, said Laura. Right?
I'm enjoying trampling all this corn, said Evanna. Die, your dirty corn! Die!
While Evanna cursed the corn to high hell, one of which apparently poked her in the eye,
Marilyn paused, and looked up.
Laura glanced back. Hey, aren't you coming along?
Marilyn pointed. What's that big black cloud in the sky? It looks weird.
Laura tilted her eyes upward to the sky too, and saw the big black cloud. The big black cloud
was unusual, not moving like a regular cloud at all. It appeared rather jittery.
It's a sign, said Evanna. Satan has come to invade the earth.... ALL HAIL SATAN!
Laura brought down Evanna's arms. Please, stop hailing Satan.
Waaait a minute, said Marilyn. I don't think this black cloud is actually a cloud.
Then what is it? said Laura. And why are we stopping to look at it?
Intellectual curiosity, said Marilyn. Also, I believe the so called cloud is made out of birds.
Biiiirds? said Evanna. How cute.
A bird from the black cloud then came down from the sky, and landed on Evanna's hand.

Marilyn jumped back.

Agh! she squealed. A swooping magpie!
Mmmmmm, said Evanna, pie.
Kill it! said Marilyn. Kill it!
What's wrong? said Evanna. It's just a wee wittle bird. He looks so cute.
But then suddenly the Magpie on Evanna's hand sprung up, and nipped her on the nose.
Immediately, she began crying. Ow! Owie, ow, ow! That bastard bird bit me on the nose!
Lucky, said Marilyn. Magpies usually go for the eyes.
Evanna touched her nose as blood dripped down. While Laura gave her a tissue, Marilyn
gathered closer to her sisters. The thousands of Magpies in the sky began to descend all at once.
Marilyn, Evanna, and Laura covered themselves up with the arms as the magpies attacking,
pecking at their skin.
Laura, who remained as calm as one possibly could in such a situation, took out her ruby wand,
and made a giant flame, burning what birds she could. It scared them off for a bit, but then only seemed
to make them more angry.
Head for the farm house! yelled Laura.
The Lynch sisters in unison started running towards the farm house. The magpies were at their
backsides, pecking at them, pulling their hair, and nipping at their heels. Laura and Evanna, in the
pandemonium, haphazardly shot off their wands. Few magpies were hit, but the ones who were were
either turned into blocks of ice, or burnt to a crisp.
I know they're trying to attack us, Evanna said, panting, but poor, little birdies!
Enough with your darned sympathy, said Laura, then she grabbed the handle of the farm
house's front door, and pulled at it; however, the door would not budge.
Hurry! said Marilyn.
It's stuck! said Laura.
All at once, together, the Lynch sisters grabbed onto the front door, and wrenched it open. They
ran into the farm house, and closed the door behind themselves. The Lynch sisters put their hands on
their knees, and leaned forward, catching their breath.
Bloody Jesus Christ, said Laura. That was close.
Well, said Evanna, at least now we have peace of mind, knowing that our troubles are
temporarily over.
Not for nothing, said Marilyn, but won't be we get int trouble for breaking and entering?
Oh no, said Evanna. I don't want to go to prison. I'm no good at group dancing. I'm more of a
solo artist.
One of these days, said Laura, one of these days I will figure you out, Evanna.
Eh, don't hold your breath, said Marilyn.
As swooping Magpies banged into the windows of the farmhouse, still in attack mode, the
Lynch sisters looked around, hoping to find someone who could help.
Hello? said Evanna, entering the kitchen Is anyone home? No? Nobody? If you are there,
and you don't mind me eating food from your frigerator, give no reply... (No reply.) Okay, will do!
Evanna opened the fridge, and began snacking on some food. Marilyn, and Laura, also having
stomachs of their own, joined in.
I have to say, said Evanna, while eating a cup of strawberry yogurt, not much on our lil'
journey has gone very well, but this food is a blessin'.
Laura, who was biting into a sandwich agreed. Yes, Lord Jesus is lookin' down on us tonight.
Hallelujah. Thank you, Lord Jesus.
Excuse me, said Marilyn, but how come you're always praisin' Jesus? What about the
others?
Marilyn put a piece of cake in her mouth.

What others? said Evanna.

The other religious characters, said Marilyn. You know, like the Virgin Mary. No one ever
thanks her for anything. When have you ever heard someone say 'thank the Virgin Mary' ?
Never, said Evanna.
We should do something about this, said Laura. As soon as we get home, we are jumping
onto the Twitter, and starting a movement. Number Sign: ThanktehVirginMay!!!1
After having a chat about various subjects, the Lynch sisters went around the farmhouse to explore
some more. They called out to the owner of the house, hoping he would help them. However, he (or
she) was nowhere to be found.
The Lynch sisters went to the second floor, and came upon a door that was locked. When it
wouldn't open they made the presumption that the owner of the farmhouse was there within.
Helloooooo, said Evanna, with a knock. Three, teeny, tiny Irish sisters that need to talk to
you, Mister or Missus Homeowner. Anyone in there?
There was no reply.
I think we're being ignored, said Marilyn.
Let me give it a try, said Laura.
And then she kicked open the door: Hiyawww!
That wasn't so hard, she said. Now was it?
The Lynch sisters entered the room. On the bed they discovered a skeleton, wearing a kilt, and
bagpipes.
That settles it, said Marilyn. We're definitely in Scotland. Or this man has a weird fetish for
Scottish people.
Poor lil' skeleton, said Evanna.
Bloody Jesus Christ, said Laura. Could this get any worse?
Look on the bright side, said Marilyn. At least we won't have to hear him playing the
bagpipes.
The Lynch sisters all nodded in agreement.
So, now what? said Evanna.
First and foremost, said Laura. We need to get out of here...safely.
Laura glanced to the window, and saw the Magpies pecking at the glass. The glass which was
slowly beginning to crack.
This is a nightmare, said Evanna. It's like that movie. With the birds. I forget its name.
Birds? said Marilyn.
No, said Evanna. Star Wars.
Marilyn rolled her eyes. Meanwhilst, Laura went around the room searching for something. She
pulled out a collection of drawers, and spilled the contents out to the floor.
What are you looking for? said Evanna. Why the mess? Mam never raised us to be messy
pigs, you know.
I'm looking for car keys, said Laura. Maybe we can drive out of here.
Evanna pointed to the skeleton. Over there.
The skeleton had in its grasp something that looked like car keys.
I think I've done enough work for today, said Laura. Marilyn, pry those keys out of the
skeleton's cold, dead hands... Please.
I don't want to touch that thing, said Marilyn.
Be a team player! said Laura.
You be a bloody team player! said Marilyn.
Enough of the fighting! said Evanna. I'll do it! You know, I may be really cute, but I'm not
useless.

Laura and Marilyn patted Evanna on the back.

Go ahead, said Marilyn.
Evanna began trembling as she approached the skeleton, with its kilt, and bagpipes. She reached
her hand out, and grabbed the keys. She pulled on them, but they would not budge.
Having problems? said Laura.
The keys, the keys, the keys, Evanna stammered, nearly in tears. They're stuck.
Pull harder, said Marilyn.
And so, that's what Evanna did. But instead of freeing only the keys, she ripped off the
skeleton's arm. Evanna dropped the arm, and jumped, and screamed. Laura picked it up.
No need for all the noise, said Laura. We'll just carry the skeleton's arm with us.
Laura examined the keys.
Think this might be a for a truck, she said. Did you see any trucks when we were running for
the farmhouse?
I remember seeing a truck, said Marilyn. It was green.
Good, that's where we'll head, said Laura.
But it was near the front of the farmhouse, said Marilyn.
You mean we have to go back out? said Evanna.
Not yet, said Laura. I have an idea.
Laura grabbed the bagpipe off the skeleton, and put it on her back.
Alright, said Laura, we have one bagpipe, and one set of keys to a truck. Now all we need is
directions on how to get out of this hell hole. You think this place has a computer, and an internet
connection? If does we can use Google Maps.
Eh, I'm more of a MapQuest person myself, said Evanna.
Never mind what map service you like to use, said Marilyn. We have to find a computer.
Wait, hold on, said Evanna.
She looked at the window. The magpies were chipping away at the glass. One bird even got his
beak in through a hole. Evanna retrieved her wand, and froze the window with a block of ice.
What happens when it melts? said Laura.
We're in Scotland, said Evanna. THE SUN DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm not sure if that's factually correct, said Marilyn.
Okay, said Evanna, let's go looking for that computer.
So, the Lynch sisters went up and down the house, looking for a computer. But there was
nothing of technology in the house, other than a television that picked up signals from an antenna, and
a wired phone that was out of service.
The Lynch sisters became exasperated.
There's feck all in here, said Marilyn. The skeleton of this household is a senior citizen.
Forget it, said Laura. As long as we can get in that truck, and find a road, we'll be fine.
Laura began marching to the front door.
Wait, said Evannaton. We never checked the basement.
Basement shmasement, said Laura.
Basement shmase...what? said Evanna. Anyway, I'm checking it out.
Evanna opened the door to the basement, and looked down the steps. She went down alone, and
then screamed. She went running back up to the first level.
Omergod! said Evanna.
What is it? said Marilyn.
There's a lion in the basement, said Evanna.
Are you sure? said Laura. It sounds like you're lion.
I'm not lying, said Evanna. How dare you call me a liar.
I know, I know, said Laura, I was making a joke. You see 'lying' and 'lion'... You know what,

never mind.
So, let's go see this lion then, said Marilyn.
We are not wasting our time to go and see a lion, said Laura.
The Lynch sisters went into the basement to see the lion. Indeed in an unfixed cage there was
the king of the jungle. He was rather skinny looking, but still quite intimidating.
What should we name him? said Evanna. I know. How about Mufasa?
We're not naming the lion, said Laura. We are leaving.
But if we leave, said Evanna., he will surely perish.
When we find a working phone, said Laura, we'll call animal welfare, and they'll come get
him, okay?
Reluctantly, Evanna agreed. The Lynch sisters then went back upstairs, and went to the front
door, where they looked out the window. There was a truck outside, but it was surrounded by the
millions of magpies hovering about.
Evanna took out her wand. Alright, I'm ready when you are.
Put that away, said Laura.
Whaaa'? said Evanna.
The bagpipes will chase away the magpies, said Laura.
Seriously? said Marilyn. You're going to play the bagpipes to scare the birds?
If there is one way to scare animals, said Laura, it's bagpipes.
You're mad, absolutely mad, said Marilyn. How can bagpipes be better than your wand that
shoots fire?
Laura sighed.
Okay, listen, she said. I have a confession to make.
Ah-ha! I knew you were a lesbian! said Evanna. Everyone denied my claims, and told me I
was crazy, but I called it! Of course you're a lesbian. You're so manly.
I'm not a lesbian, said Laura.
...Right, said Evanna. I apologize. Not that there's anything wrong with that really.
Anyway, sad Laura, my wand doesn't work anymore. It has no fire power. I found it in the
kitchen when I tried to make toast.
And you're only telling us this now? said Marilyn.
I didn't want to worry anyone, said Laura.
But you want us to walk into a swarm of killer birds, with only bagpipes as a means of
defense? said Marilyn.
...I'm not Donatello, said Laura. I'm Leonardo.
What? said Marilyn.
The Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles, said Evanna.
But there are only three of us, said Marilyn.
You get what I mean, said Laura.
Laura took out her wand, and showed it to Marilyn, and Evanna. At the bottom there was a line
of teeny tiny text.
Look, said Laura, reading, it says 'To Recharge Wand, Make a Large Animal Sacrifice.'
Not worth it, said Evanna. I'd rather die than harm an animal for sacrificial purposes... Okay,
maybe not die, but I wouldn't mind being slightly inconvenienced.
What about that lion in the basement? said Marilyn. If we
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Evanna yelled.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I guess that's not an option, said Laura.
And neither are the bagpipes, said Marilyn.
I'm keeping the bagpipes, said Laura.

Why do you even want bagpipes? said Evanna. You yourself have expressed a dislike for
them.
Musically, said Laura. But I like how they look. They look like octopuses. Remember when
I was 11, and I had that fascination with octopuses? Dad even rented me that movie called 'Octopussy,'
but it was not what I expected.
Can we stop this chit chat already and get to the truck? said Marilyn. I'm sick of this
farmhouse. It smells like an unwashed monkey.
Oh, you know what an unwashed monkey smells like? said Laura.
Remember when we asked dad for a puppy, and instead he brought home a monkey? said
Marilyn. Well, when I was asleep someone placed banana slices on my face, and the monkey had its
dinner there.
Be grateful, said Laura. That YouTube video got over 3,000 views, and a man from the
middle east offered to buy you.
I'm flattered, said Marilyn.
So, what are we waiting for? said Evanna. Are we going to go outside, and run for that
truck?
Evanna, said Laura, this isn't like investing your life savings, you can't just rush into things.
You must first think of a plan, and don't say 'plan shman.'
I wasn't going to say that, said Evanna.
Laura put her fingers on her temples, and closed her eyes, thinking what to do. Then she clicked
fingers.
I got it, she said. I know what to do.
Laura whispered her idea to Evanna, and Marilyn.
Why are you whispering? said Marilyn.
I don't know, Laura whispered.
After whispering her plan to her sisters, Laura once again led the way, and three sisters found
themselves int the basement, then dragging the lion cage upstairs with rope.
This lion is a lot heavier than it looks, Evanna grunted.
But eventually the lion, and its cage were brought to the first floor, and positioned by the front
door.
Okay, said Laura, do your stuff.
Evanna took out her wand, and froze the cage's lock to make it brittle.
On the count of three, sad Laura. Marilyn, if you please.
Marilyn began, Three, two, one... GO!
Laura opened the front door of the farmhouse, and she, and Marilyn, and Evanna dragged the
lion's cage out the door. As the vicious magpies swooped down Laura lifted her leg, and kicked off the
lock on the cage.
Immediately the lion leapt out of its cage, and began attacking the magpies, swallowing them up
several at a time. The Lynch sisters, using this opportunity, then made their run for the green truck.
With few birds following they successfully got inside the truck. Well, sort of. Evanna managed to get
her hair stuck in one of the doors.
Alright, said Laura, let's get this thing going!
Wait, said Evanna, my hair's stuck in the door.
There's no time! said Laura.
Then Laura put the keys into the truck, and turned the ignition. Nothing.
Marilyn looked at the dashboard. The fuel gauge was on empty.
Seems we've got no petrol, she noted.
Damnit, said Laura.
Ummm, my hair's still stuck in the door, said Evanna. Are the child locks on or something?

Alright, nobody panic, said Laura; she grabbed Marilyn by the shoulders, and shook her.
QUIT PANICKING!
No one is panicking, said Marilyn.
I'm panicking, said Evanna. I can't get my hair unstuck.
Marilyn rolled her eyes, and yanked Evanna's hair out of the door.
My beautiful hair! said Evanna.
It's not that beautiful, said Marilyn.
Is too, said Evanna.
Laura rolled her eyes, and then looked in the rear view mirror. The lion, despite its might, was
being overwhelmed by the vicious magpies. They pecked at the beast, steadily picking off its skin.
The magpies are almost done with that lion, said Laura. We have to think of something
quick!
Evanna looked began, and cried for the lion.
I have an idea, said Marilyn.
Yeah? said Laura.
Why don't we just wait here until someone rescues us, said Marilyn.
We are not damsels in distress, said Laura. We can't rely on men to rescue us.
I never said it would be men, said Marilyn. It could be women that rescue us.
No, no, no, said Laura. No one even knows we're here. By the time someone comes along
we'll be dead. Dead as zombies.
Zombies are undead, said Marilyn.
You do like to be pedantic, don't you? said Laura.
Stop bickering, said Evanna. I have an idea that will save the Lynch sisters.
Marilyn, and Laura stared incredulously at Evanna.
Don't look at me like that, she said. I may be blonde, but I'm a lot smarter than I look.
According to a test I took, I have an IQ of 96.
That's not very high, said Marilyn.
Don't be so judgmental, said Laura. Evanna has done very well for a baby that was dropped
on its head.
I was dropped on my head? said Evanna.
It was a long time ago, said Laura, but when I was 8 years old, mam let me hold you, and I
thought it would be funny to pretend I was dropping you, and then I actually dropped you. It's a bit
ironic, don't you think?
That's not ironic, said Evanna.
Laura patted Evanna's head.
There, there, she said. Don't strain your substandard brain.
My brain is not substandard, said Evanna. I will prove it!
Evanna got out of the truck, and, using her wand, made a long strip of ice on the road ahead.
What is she doing? said Marilyn.
Help me push! said Evanna. She ducked down to avoid a swooping magpie.
The other Lynch sisters, realizing what Evanna was trying to do, got out of the truck, and began
pushing it from behind. Slowly it moved onto the path of ice. They pushed more, and more, until the
truck picked up in speed.
Okay, said Evanna, that ought to do it.
Then Evanna, Laura, and Marilyn hopped back inside the truck before the magpies (who were
done with the lion) could get to them. The Lynch sisters slid down the frozen road as a skier going
down a hill.
Evanna put her wand out through the crack of the truck window to create more ice as needed.
Ha! Ha! Evanna laughed. My idea worked! Suck it, former school teachers! You told me I'd

grow up to be a janitor; now I'm the bloody Ice Queen!

And with that the Lynch sisters in their truck, slid down the icy road, going to only God knew
where.
Chapter 21: Oh, Deer Moose!
As is life all good things come to an end. A few kilometers of slipping down the icy road the Lynch
sisters crashed their truck into a moose. A Canadian moose. They got out of the truck to inspect it.
Is, is, is it dead? Evanna stammered with tears.
Laura lowered down, and pressed her ear against the moose's chest, listening for a heartbeat.
I'm afraid so, she said.
Evanna cried, mourning the loss of the moose.
It sure does look delicious though, doesn't it? said Marilyn. She licked her lips.
No! said Evanna. Gary does not look delicious!
Who's Gary? said Marilyn.
I named the Moose Gary, said Evanna, before we hit it with our truck. Well, not our truck,
the truck that we stole.
Marilyn sighed. We're screwed.
We are not screwed, said Laura.
No mode of transportation, a dead moose, in the middle of Jesus knows where, said Marilyn,
I think we're screwed.
The Lynch sisters all sighed at the same time. Evanna got down on her knees, and began
praying to the big G.
Dear Green Lantern, said Evanna. Please help us out. We promise to repay you in return.
And why in bloody hell are you praying to a comic book hero? said Marilyn.
I'm confused, said Evanna. I don't know what to do.
Listen, said Laura, I think that --
Suddenly the roadside moose exploded, splattering its guts (seemingly) everywhere. The Lynch
sisters went blech and scraped bits of moose off their faces.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Evanna screamed. AAAAAGH!
What just happened? said Laura. Did that moose explode? Can mooses do that?
Marilyn looked at the head of the moose which somehow remained intact.
We thought it was a Canadian moose, she said, but now I suspect it might be from the
Middle East.
The Lynch sisters sighed, and sat down on their bottoms to rest.
This sucks, said Marilyn. We should've never came out here.
It's like dad told us, said Laura. Life is a box of horseshit.
I don't care about myself right now, said Evanna. I just wonder if lil' bro, and Kit Kat are
doin' alright. I'm worried about them.
Meanwhile, in the vampire's castle, Winston was checking into his room after a hard day of tunnel
digging. As soon as the door behind him locked he went over to check his poster on his wall. The
poster was for the movie Shawshank Redemption, starring Tim Robbins, and Morgan Freeman. This
was a very unusual poster, since the names were in correct order.
Carefully, Winston peeled up the poster on the wall, revealing a hole. This hole was
painstakingly made with a stolen chisel, one piece chipped away at a time, during meal times when all
the vampires were gathered in the dining hall, drinking the blood of various religious people.
Winston grabbed onto two bricks at the bottom of the hole, and bracing his feet, pulled them out
with a grunt. The space was now just large enough to fit one Irishman or half of an American.

Winston stored the bricks under his bed, and returned to the poster. He pulled it up at the bottom
again, and stared into the dark hole. He was hesitant to leave. He could not take Kit Kat with him, who
was kept elsewhere under guard in the castle.
Oh, my dear Kit Kat cat, Winston sighed. I do not want to leave you behind, but what
choice do I have?
And with that Winston took his candle with him, and began going through the hole in the wall.
As soon as he was through, the poster like planned, fell back down into place so as to hide the hole.
Winston then held up his candle, and waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. He had no idea
where he was.
It was only a guess that this was his route to escape. He had come to this decision over time by
placing his ear against the wall, and listening to what was on the other side. In this case there was only
dead silence, not a soul to be found, and that was a good thing.
Soon Winston's eyes adjusted to the darkness. The candle then provided the illumination he
needed. Winston looked around, and found he was in...he did not know where he was. All he could see
were wooden barrels.
Criminy, said Winston. It's barrel city over here. BARREL CITY!
Winston stumbled his way around the barrels, and went over to the wall, where there were
sconces with unlit candles. Winston lit the candles one by one, illuminating the entire room. The room
was enormous, but still only filled with barrels. What Winston noticed most bizarre was there was no
door to leave.
I'm trapped, said Winston, unless I go back the way I came in. He thought to himself. No,
there must be a way out of here.
Winston explored the room, and ran his fingers along the wall, hoping to find a secret exit. As
he was doing this he discovered a crowbar lying on the floor. He picked it up, and looked curiously to
the barrels. He wondered what was inside.
Winston took the crowbar, and prised open one of the barrel, popping off the lid. He looked
down, and saw a barrel full of gold coins.
Well, this is useless, said Winston, examining the gold coins. What am I going to do with
these? They certainly won't help me escape this castle.
Then Winston had a thought: Wait a minute...! I once read in a book that gold is a very
valuable substance!
Convinced he should steal, Winston went back into his room to get a blanket, and returned to
the barrel full of gold coins. He put as many gold coins into the blanket as he thought reasonable, and
then tied the ends together to make an impromptu sack. It was heavy but manageable.
Now, said Winston, if only I could get out this rat infested hell hole.
Winston by chance looked up at the ceiling, and noticed a small square panel that looked to be a
door. He guessed it would be his route of escape, but he had no idea how to get up there. After much
wracking of his brain he came up with a plan.
He began emptying out barrels at random, and pouring out their contents to the ground.
However, not all of the barrels contained gold. Some of them contained pornography. It made sense
though, since vampires are considered to be lusty monsters.
Being his age, Winston paid no mind to the second gold mine he had discovered. He was not
aware that pornography came in print format. So, the boy went to work, and took the empty barrels,
and stacked them up to make an impromptu staircase. By the time he was done it was nearly daybreak.
He began clambering onto the arrangement of barrels. As he made his way up he paused, and
heard the voice of the evil, and smelly Adolphus Koychev.
Ack! Adolphus Koychev could be heard exclaiming just beyond. The slave has gone
missing! ...Who am I talking to here? I really should keep my thoughts in my head, otherwise people
will think I'm insane.

Then Adolphus Koychev popped his head through the Shawshank Redemption poster, and
spotted Winston.
You! said Adolphus Koychev. What're you doing? Stop what you're doing! Put down that
sack of pornography, you thief!
It's not pornography, said Winston. I'm stealing your gold. Though one can presume that you
stole it in the first place. So, this is really a high dose of karma.
I command you, said Adolphus, get back here!
No, said Winston, trying to get the door on the ceiling open. I'd rather not.
Oooh, I can't believe you, said Adolphus. I was kind enough to let you have that poster, and
this is how you repay me by trying to escape slavery? DAMN YOU, IRISH BOY!
Like my ancestors told the English, said Winston, suck it!
That's it, said Adolphus, your ass is mine.
Adolphus tried squeezing through the hole Winston had made, but found he was too fat. He
lamented his troubles.
Why did I attend that midnight feast and orgy? said Adolphus. Now I'm too much of a fatty
fat fat fat to get through here.
Well, I can't wait for you to slim down, said Winston. So, I bid you adieu, you hideous horse
licker!
Horse licker? said Adolphus. What is the meaning of this?
But before Adolphus could get an answer to his question, Winston had got open the door in the
ceiling, and was going up it with his newly acquired sack of gold. Winston got onto even grounding,
and found he was in some sort of tower, or at the very least a cylindrical shaped structure. He saw there
was a ladder leading up to another area.
Wasting no time Winston began climbing this ladder. It was a slow process as the it was rather
difficult climbing with a sack of gold. As he was going up, sweating from endeavor, he glanced down,
and noticed Adolphus, who just below.
Ah, said Winston, I see you've made it. How did you lose the weight?
I used to be a model, said Adolphus.
Meaning what? said Winston.
I stuck my finger down my throat, and threw up, said Adolphus.
Ew, said Winston.
Then he continued climbing upward on the ladder. But Adolphus began climbing too. Winston
hurried as he could, but was weighed down by his sack of gold.
You cannot out run me! said Adolphus.
I'm trying to out climb you! said Winston.
You know what I mean! said Adolphus. Do not get smart with me!
Adolphus was now half way up the ladder, catching up to Winston. Winston didn't know what to
do. Surely, he would be caught.
Alright, said Winston, talking to himself, don't be a greedy bastard, you know what you
have to do.
Winston looked down at Adolphus.
Oh, Mister Adolphus, said Winston, I've decided to return what belongs to you.
What belongs to me? said Adolphus.
Then Winston let go of his sack of gold. As Adolphus' eyes went wide it plummeted towards
him, and knocked him clean off the ladder, sending him crashing to the floor. Winston observed that the
sack of gold had split open, spilling its contents like a fat hamster emptying its cheeks of food.
Ah, there goes my fortune, said Winston. I suppose it was never mine to begin with.
And so, Winston without looking back down, continued up the ladder. Entering through yet
another hole he entered into the top of a watchtower. Surprised yet cautious, Winston went over to the

parapet, and carefully looked below through one of the gaps. There were hundreds of guards walking
the grounds and they were all geese.
Wow, said Winston, look at all those chickens.
Not many people know it, but geese actually make quite good security guards. They're loud,
aggressive, and they go honk!
Bloody Blarney Stone, said Winston. Even if I figure out how to get down from here, those
long necked bastards will rat me out... Actually, do rats even rat people out? I don't think they do. Well,
that seems rather unfair, blaming a species for something they don't do.
As the geese walked around the castle, Winston made the decision to go back, and find another
means of escape. He left the tower, and went back down the ladder. He looked at Adolphus, who was
still unconscious. He reached for his belt, and stole his set of keys, which were on a big, metal loop.
Then he pocketed as many gold coins as he could, that were laying on the ground, and spun
around to leave. But something made him pause. A shiver went down his spine. Instinctually, Winston
turned his head.
He saw that Adolphus' body was missing. The only thing that remained of the terrible man were
his terrible clothes. Where had he gone? There was no time to wonder. Winston had to escape the castle
by any means necessary.
Chapter 21: Oh, Deer Moose! -> Part Deux
The Lynch sisters feet were sore, and swollen like sponges. They'd been walking for what seemed ages,
not knowing exactly where they were. They knew, however, that they were on their way back to
civilization for as Laura would say: When you're on a road you're never truly lost.
You never made up that saying, said Marilyn.
What makes you say that? said Laura.
I know, said Marilyn. I've heard of it before.
From who? said Laura. Maybe that person you heard it from was quoting me.
I doubt it, said Marilyn.
You doubt me? said Laura. I'm a very intelligent person.
Then where are we? said Marilyn.
Earth, said Laura. Huehueheuheuhueheuhue!
That's a weird laugh, said Marilyn.
I like it, said Evanna. Reminds me of the time I went to the circus, and met that clown.
Didn't you make good friends with that clown? said Laura.
Sure did, said Evanna, but then she died when she thought it would be a good idea to scare
an elephant as a joke.
Oh God, said Marilyn. The elephant crushed her to death?
No, said Evanna, the owner of the circus got angry, and killed her with his gun.
What an arsehole, said Laura.
Well, it was an accident, said Evanna. He thought it was one of those toy guns that you
press, and then a flag pops out, and it says 'bang!'
Not that I think someone dying is funny, said Marilyn, but as far as stories about someone
dying goes that one is pretty hilarious.
I would wee myself with laughter, said Laura, but I'm afraid I would be judged.
I saw you eat a handful an ants once, said Marilyn. I wouldn't judge you for weeing yourself
from laughter.
Please, said Evanna, nobody wee themselves. It's not very lady like...until you reach the age
of 70. Then you've earned the privilege.
Laura suddenly put her arm back, stopping Evanna, and Marilyn.

Hang on, she said, what's all this then?

There was a road sign ahead, which she read out loud.
'Wibbly Wobbly Lane,' said Laura. We've reached 'Wibbly Wobbly Lane'!
Whoopity doo, said Marilyn, so what?
Don't you 'whoopity doo' me, said Laura.
I apologize, said Marilyn. I was surely out of line.
Thank you, said Laura.
So? said Evanna. What's with this 'Wibbly Wobble Lane'? What's it all mean?
It means we're north of London, said Laura.
Ew, yuck, said Marilyn. London is full of street walkers.
Well, where else would a person walk? said Evanna.
Never mind, said Marilyn.
Anyway, said Laura, we're north of London, and you know what that means.
What's that mean? said Evanna.
The castle that Winston and Kit Kat are in, said Laura. We're on our way.
I remember, said Evanna. Doobendubenshire, 333 Bloodroad.
And you know the directions from here? said Marilyn.
Of course, said Laura. I can see it on my mobile phone.
Laura showed a map on her mobile phone.
Eep! said Evanna. How did you get your phone to work?
When we were at the farm house, said Laura, I put it in a bag of rice. Also, I yelled at it to
work, and slapped it around a little. Not sure if that helped though.
Laura took out a bag of rice from her pocket, and showed it Marilyn, and Evanna.
You know, said Laura, rice isn't just for eating. In the developed world 70% of people use
rice exclusively for getting the moisture out their phones, as opposed to the 30% who use it as a
material for sustenance.
You just made that up, said Marilyn.
Either way, said Laura, my phone is working... IN YOUR FACE, MARILYN. Bet you're
annoyed that I found the solution to our problems, and not you.
Actually, said Marilyn, I'm glad your phone's working. I'm proud that you fixed it.
It's eating you up inside, isn't it? said Laura.
Oooh, oooh! Call mam, and dad! said Evanna. I want to tell them 'hello!'
Nooooo! said Laura. We're not calling mam, and dad!
Why? said Evanna. I miss them.
If mam, and dad ask what we've been up to, said Laura, they'll find out how grossly
incompetent, and foolish we are. We must prove to them that we're perfectly capable of rescuing our
cat, and little brother from evil, blood-sucking, undead creatures.
It should be no problem, said Marilyn, politicians aren't that tough.
Ho-ho, said Laura. No, I said 'undead creatures.' Unfortunately, politicians are alive and
well. Very alive and well, in fact.
Please, said Evanna, this generalization of politicians isn't very nice. You know, some
politicians are actually good people.
Name one, said Marilyn.
Evanna thought for a moment. Uhhh, Ed Miliband?
Ed Miliband? said Marilyn. ED MILIBAND?! ED FREAKING MILIBAND?!?!?!
Is that not an acceptable answer? said Evanna.
Suddenly Marilyn grabbed Evanna by the shoulders, and shook her silly.
Stop, said Laura. We cannot distract ourselves with this petty bickering. We must get to that
castle, and rescue Winston, and our beloved cat.

Laura stopped walking, and stuck out her thumb.

What are you doing? said Evanna.
She's hitchhiking, said Marilyn, which I do not approve of.
And, why do you not approve? said Evanna.
I had a bad experience with it once, said Marilyn.
Oh no, said Evanna. What happened?
I put out my thumb, said Marilyn, and no one picked me up.
That doesn't sound so bad, said Evanna.
It was raining, said Marilyn. I was soaked to the bone... THE BONE.
QUIET, said Laura. I'm trying to get us noticed. Now, should I put my thumb high, or should
I place it at eye level?
Doesn't matter, said Marilyn. I haven't seen a single car since we been walking.
Have some faith, said Evanna. God is watching over us.
What makes you say that? said Marilyn.
Well, said Evanna, seems whenever we're up to our neck ins trouble, something comes
along, and saves us... Why, look, a car is approaching us. It's slowing down.
As described a car slowed down, and stopped in front of the Lynch sisters. It rolled down its
tinted window. Laura put down her hitchhiking thumb, and stepped forward to greet the driver whose
name was Michael Jagsin.
Hello, said Laura in her chirpiest voice. I don't suppose you're headed down to visit a creepy
castle, are you?
Gasp, went Michael Jagsin. What high coincidence. I am going to visit a creepy castle. I
wanted to go to Disney World actually, but it is not in the cards now after this triple dip recession.
Well, do you think me, and my two sisters can catch a ride there? said Laura. We would be
ever so grateful.
Sure, said Michael Jagsin, but what will you give me in exchange for my favor?
What do you want? said Laura.
You know what I want? said Michael Jagsin, and then he winked.
You will have to clarify, said Laura. I cannot understand your thick, Albanian-Scottish
accent. Nor your wink.
Michael Jagsin cleared his throat.
SEX, he said. I WANT THE SEX.
Laura gasped.
Sir, she said, I am not an Englishwoman. I am a full blooded Irish lady, and we do not
exchange sex for goods and/or services. In fact, during the Great Irish Famine we could've sold our
bodies to live, and be alive, but we said: 'No, we'd rather die.'
You said that? said Michael Jagsin.
No, said Laura, but I meant 'we' as in the collective spirit of Ireland in a time well before I
was born.
So, no sex? said Michael Jagsin. Then I am leaving! Michael Jagsin goes where the rivers
are wet.
As Michael Jagsin was about to step on it, Laura put her hand out, and said, Wait! I've changed
my mind.
Michael Jagsin rubbed his hands together. Hoo-hoo, now you're talking my language: the
language of love.
Laura forced herself a grin. Marilyn, and Evanna looked at each other thoroughly confused.
Surely, surely their older, and therefore wiser sister would not take part in such depravity, and if she
would, what a sacrifice!
Okay, get in the back, and we'll do our business, said Michael Jagsin.

He licked his lips.

Emm, I'd much prefer we do it in the outdoors, said Laura.
Why? said Michael Jagsin. Is my auto-mobile not good enough for you?
Sorry, said Laura. I don't think there's enough space in there for me to, erm, sin in comfort.
Ah, said Michael Jagsin, are you not one of those yoga sluts?
Uhhh, no, said Laura. I am not one of those yoga sluts.
Understandable, said Michael Jagsin. Just gimme a minute here. I have to wipe my hands
off. They're covered in a sticky substance.
After the Lynch sisters winced Michael Jagsin stepped out of his car, and immediately dropped
his trousers.
Am ready when you are, said Michael Jagsin.
But then Laura had other things in mind, and kicked the driver into a nearby ditch.
Michael Jagsin went youraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! as he fell in.
Quick! Laura said to Marilyn, and Evanna. Get in the car!
As Michael Jagsin rubbed his head, and began standing up, Laura, Marilyn, and Evanna jumped
into Michael Jagsin's pink Yugo. Laura, however, was having difficulty with the car's enigmatic
controls...which was manual transmission.
Go! said Evanna. Get this puppy moving!
I can't! said Laura. I don't know how to use this thing! Our car at home is an automatic!
Evanna looked outside. Michael Jagsin had got up, fully recovered, and was banging his hand
on the window, trying to get in. Quickly Marilyn locked the doors.
Stop! Get out of my car! said Michael Jagsin I only like to be roughed up on certain nights
of the week!
Feck off, you pervert! Laura yelled, while frantically trying to get the car to work.
But only in first gear she could not get the vehicle to go faster than a sloth on steroids. Michael
Jagsin followed along, trying to get in. Marilyn took Laura's phone, and looked up online how to drive
a manual transmission vehicle. She tried showing the video to Laura, but had to wait through a 30
second advert.
It was at this point Michael Jagsin got a stone, and cracked open the back-side window of the
car. He then reached in, and grabbed Evanna by her luscious blonde hair. Marilyn, grabbed onto
Evanna's waist to keep her from being hoisted out.
Aghhhhhhhh! Evanna screamed. My beautiful, blonde hair!
Ain't that beautiful, said Michael Jagsin, and he pulled on it some more.
Ergggh, Marilyn grunted to Laura, can't you get this thing moving?
No sooner had Marilyn said those words than Laura figured out how to work the gears. She
kicked up the speed of the car from three miles per hour to thirty. Yet Michael Jagsin was still holding
onto Evanna's hair for dear life.
I'm in so much pain! Evanna cried. Make it stop!
Is that pervert still holding onto your hair? said Laura. You need me to slow down?
No, said Evanna, we can't risk him getting inside his own car, which he rightfully owns.
Urgh, we need to shake him off, said Marilyn, straining to maintain her hold on Evanna.
Laura nodded. Maneuvering the pink Yugo side to side she tried shaking off the driver. Michael
Jagsin, however, had an iron grip on Evanna's lovely locks. He was determined not to let go. But then
as luck would have it another car passing by accidentally knocked him off. Yet it did not stop, making
this situation into a hit and run. And a murder.
You did it! said Evanna. But he died, I think.
Died? said Laura. He died?
Not intentionally, I'm sure, said Evanna. But he was knocked off. Now I am sad, and want to
cry. Also, my head is bleeding.

Marilyn let out a breath, and buckled herself up. Well, if the jury asks, he had a gun, and was a
drug addict.
Wouldn't the autopsy reveal whether he was actually an addict? said Laura.
We're in England, said Marilyn. Everyone over the age of 12 is an addict.
Honestly, said Evanna. You two really think England is so immoral of a place?
Of course, said Laura. Look at how we're behaving. Not even stopping to help the man
whose car we stole. This English behavior is infectious...!
Turn around, said Evanna.
What? said Laura.
We're going back to check on the corpse, said Evanna. She shook her head. I mean the body.
I mean, erm, the man. The man whose car we stole.
Awww, said Laura, do we have to?
I am a proud Lynch sister, said Evanna. I cannot let the trio go astray down a path of evil.
Laura groaned. Fine. But I'm not going touch it. I don't want to get slime on my hands.
Humans don't produce slime, said Evanna. Or do they?
The Lynch sisters turned their stolen car around, and stopped on the road to look for the man
they probably killed. However, when they stepped outside they discovered Michael Jagsin was no
longer there.
Where'd he go? said Laura.
Maybe he's turned into a zombie, said Evanna. I hope that's happened.
Why, would you hope that? said Marilyn.
I've watched a lot of TV, said Evanna, and if I've learned anything it's that killing zombies is
fun, and I'm cute, so I'll survive.
What's cuteness got to do with surviving? said Laura.
It has everything to do with surviving, said Evanna. Good looks gets you help. Have you
ever seen a sexy homeless person?
Uh, no, said Marilyn.
Exactly, said Evanna. Good looking people don't go homeless.
Now you have me thinking about all the homeless people I've ever seen, said Laura.
Hey, hasn't anyone noticed that that man we hit's body is missing? said Marilyn.
Excellent observation, said Laura. I noticed that as well. Where do you think he's gone?
Zombie, said Evanna. He's probably off looking for brains.
You should be safe then, said Marilyn. He-he-he.
Why are you giggling? said Evanna.
QUIET, said Laura. I think I hear something.
The Lynch sister quieted down, and turned their ears outward to listen. There was a distinct
rustling in the bushes.
Do you think it's him? Evanna whispered.
What would he be doing in the bushes? Marilyn said in her quietest voice. And don't say
zombies.
Maybe he's wounded, and scared, said Laura. Evanna, go check it out.
Me? said Evanna. Why me?
Laura glared at Evanna. This was your idea, Miss Morality.
Also, said Marilyn, you're the only one amongst us, who has a working wand.
Fine, said Evanna, I'll do it. I'll show you all! I'm a lot of tougher than you think.
Evanna crept forward, and went to the bush that was rustling. She took out her wand, and
pointed it.
Do you need any help? she asked.
There was silence.

She repeated herself: DO YOU NEED ANY HELP?

The bush replied: No.
And then suddenly Michael Jagsin sprung out, and lunged towards Evanna so hard that her
wand went flying out of her hand! Laura, and Marilyn ran for their sister to help her, but it was too late.
Michael Jagsin, who was in actuality a vampire, bit Evanna on her neck. Evanna screamed as loud as
anyone could scream.
You bastard! Laura yelled at Michael Jagsin. You biting bastard!
And then she kicked him in the head. Michael Jagsin was unaffected (physically), but he looked
up, and hissed. Marilyn joining in took at stick, and bashed him several times while swearing. Very
profane things which I could not possibly describe.
Finally, something gave. The vampire rolled off Evanna, and stood up. The gray clouds in the
sky were parting, letting down its sunlight. Not wanting to be sun burnt Michael Jagsin ran off, and
disappeared into the shade of the forest.
Marilyn, and Laura picked up Evanna to see whether she was okay.
You okay? said Laura.
Evanna touched her neck. There were two distinct puncture marks on her skin.
I should be fine, said Evanna. But I've lost my wand.
Marilyn pointed. There is it.
As she was about to retrieve it an owl swooped down, and carried it away into the sky. Marilyn
threw a stone at the bird, trying to knock it down. She missed by several feet.
Welp, your wand is gone, said Marilyn. Unless you can get that owl to return.
Evanna groaned. Could this day get any worse?
Then a car passing by threw an empty soda can at her head. Evanna picked it up, and yelled
about how it was inconsiderate to the environment.
Well, said Marilyn, what do we do now? We have no means of defending ourselves.
I'm tired, Evanna sobbed. Let's just go home.
But what about Winston? said Laura. And Kit Kat?
We'll just have that castle swatted, said Evanna. You do have your mobile phone don't you?
SWAT is American, said Laura. We don't have SWAT. We have Scotland Yard, and we
already tried contacting them. They're busy cracking down on important crimes, like piracy, being
mean online, and jaywalking.
Marilyn, and Evanna sat down on the ground, refusing to move.
So that's it? said Laura. You've given up? All because several dozen bad things have
happened to us?
Yes, that's exactly the reason why, said Marilyn.
I'm pooped, said Evanna.
Laura grabbed Evanna, and Marilyn up by their arms, and dragged them over to the Yugo.
Unhand me! said Evanna. I don't wanna go! My spirit is broken!
I don't believe in spirits, said Marilyn, but I have similar sentiments.
Laura huffed. Fine. If you want to go home, we'll go home.
Really? said Evanna.
Yes, said Laura. We'll find another way to help Winston, and Kit Kat.
You know, said Marilyn, I really want them to be okay, but I don't think we three are capable
of rescuing them.
We can barely take care of ourselves, said Evanna.
I guess, said Laura. Let's go home now.
So, Evanna, Marilyn, and Laura got into the Yugo, and began their drive home, back to Ireland.
THE END...?

Chapter 22: Not The End

Hey, said Evanna. This doesn't look like Ireland.
It's not Ireland, said Laura. We're in Doobendubenshire. How did you think we could drive
to Ireland?
I thought there was a tunnel, said Evanna. Or you were talking about the other Ireland, the
one who is like a lost child.
Ah, I knew about your ruse all along, said Marilyn, but I was too lazy to say anything about
it.
So, said Evanna, I've been misled me once again.
Oh, c'mon, said Laura. Don't you want to rescue our beloved pet cat, and lil bro? LIL BRO.
I am well wary, said Evanna, but I appreciate your intonation. For that I shall go along with
your scheme.
It's not a scheme, said Laura.
Says the liar, said Evanna.
After sighing, Laura, who was driving around a bend, slowed down, and looked through her
window. She spotted a road sign indicating she, and the rest of Lynch sisters were coming onto the road
aptly named Bloodroad. Evanna, and Marilyn in the backseats of the Yugo were told to keep their eyes
peeled for a big, old castle.
How hard could it be to find a castle? said Evanna.
Looking out, Evanna saw over a dozen different castles. One was sparkly!
What is this? said Marilyn. Castle city?
Keep a watch, said Laura. The address is 333 Bloodroad.
Hey, am trying to find it on your mobile phone, said Marilyn, but I'm not getting any signal.
Ugh. I feel like it's the 1990s. The 1990s sucked!
It did not suck, said Evanna. The 1990s is when they invented slap bracelets. You slap the
bracelet onto your wrist, and it wraps around like magic.
Pretty sure it isn't magic, said Marilyn.
Ah, shrew, you disagree, said Evanna, but you forget how convenient it was at the time. Oh,
sure, they have iWatches, and iWhatever these days, but back then it was revolution. The kids went
mad for it they did.
So., said Laura, the person who invented these slap bracelets got rich, eh?
He did make a fortune, said Evanna, but unfortunately he died shortly after.
How? said Marilyn.
He put a whole bunch of them together, and placed them down on his bed, said Evanna, and
then he forgot about them, and when he laid down they snapped around his neck. Talk about luck. The
thing that brought him his fortune also brought him death. Much like Scarface.
Speaking of Scarface, said Laura, I think we've found our castle.
The Lynch sisters looked out, and saw a gargantuan castle, with many towers, and many
windows. But all of the windows were covered up, blocking out any light. A dreary looking place the
castle was it had a stench of rotting corpses, and the ground was covered in mist. On a nearby wall
there were the numbers 333 in deep crimson red, which stuck out against the pitch black stones.
Bloody Jesus Mary, said Marilyn. The castle looks like it was designed by a funeral
director.
But this is where Winston and Kit Kat should be, said Laura. Hopefully.
Oh no, Evanna fretted, why did you have to say 'hopefully' at the end like that? It's very
ominous.
Great, Marilyn said to Laura. Now you've got her all worked up. She's shaking like a four

leaf clover.
Fine, said Laura. We won't go into the castle.
Really? said Marilyn. Is this another scam of yours?
Not a scam, said Laura. I changed my mind. Let's go home.
Yay! said Evanna with a click of her heels. Home!
As the Lynch sisters headed back to their stolen car, Evanna suddenly started crying out in pain.
To which Marilyn said, Oh, God. Not again.
No, no, I'm really in pain, said Evanna. My skin. It's, it's, it's burning...!
Literally, Evanna's skin was burning. There was a small but searing flame rested upon her hand.
It's a sign, said Laura. This castle is cursed...!
Evanna spat on her hand, and smeared it down to douse the fire.
Wait a minute, said Marilyn. She looked at Evanna's neck that had two bite marks. I think I
know what's happening.
What's happening?! said Evanna.
You have turned into a vampire...! said Marilyn. Remember that man who bit you?
Quick, get into the shade! said Laura.
Evanna ran into a thicket, and threw leaves over her body, hiding from the light. At this moment
Marilyn, and Laura leaned their heads back, and looked up into the sky. The clouds were being swept
away by a wind, and the sun was coming out. The weather was turning, from a cold, gray day to
something resembling warmth. You know, the type you'd find in a place like Spain, California, or that
place where all the monkeys became super intelligent, and tried killing everyone.
Bloody Jesus Christ, said Laura. What do we do about Evanna? We can't just leave her
here.
Or can we? said Marilyn.
No, said Laura, and we can't take her back home as a vampire either. Mam and dad are going
to be rather pissed. Maybe not dad. He seems quite relaxed about things these days.
Wait, said Marilyn. Do you remember that vampire hunter weirdo?
Yes, said Laura. I think I do.
Remember what she said? Marilyn asked.
Never run with scissors, said Laura.
No, said Marilyn. She told us that if we kill the head vampire guy all the people who were
turned into vampires will revert back to human beings.
Wow, said Laura, suddenly I'm having some issues of guilt.
Why? said Marilyn.
Those vampires that died, said Laura. They were essentially people.
Yeah, but not people we knew, said Marilyn.
Fair point, said Laura. They were worthless to us.
So, what do you think? said Marilyn. Do we brave into the castle, and kill the head vampire,
and rescue our little brother, and beloved family pet?
I thought we canceled our plans for that, said Laura.
You can un-cancel plans, said Marilyn.
I didn't know that was a thing, said Laura.
It is, said Marilyn.
Then it's decided, said Laura, we un-cancel our plans, and head into the castle.
Laura and Marilyn walked over to Evanna, who looked like she was getting sun burnt, despite
the low double-digit weather.
I'm in so much pain, said Evanna. Kill me.
I have a better plan than that, said Laura. We're going to bust into the castle, and kill the head
vampire, and rescue Winston, and Kit Kat. It should be dark inside, so you'll be safe. Plus, you can help

us out by using your new-found super powers.

What super powers? said Evanna.
You know, said Laura, like, um, the ability to drink blood. Most people would catch AIDS
doing that.
Fine, said Evanna. Let's do it. But how will we get in? That castle looks as strong as a
fortress. I can't imagine we bust in.
Don't worry, said Laura. I have an idea. Just follow my lead.
And with that Laura drove the Yugo through the front entrance of the castle. It was a spectacular
crash that alerted everyone to the presence of the three, little, Irish intruders.
Now you've done it, said Marilyn.
Sure have, said Laura, then she jumped out of the mangled Yugo.
Into the castle! said Evanna. Lest I be turned into ashes!
So, Evanna, Marilyn, and Laura ran inside the castle. It was just dark enough that Evanna would
not be affected by the sun.
Ahead! said Laura.
As soon as the Lynch sisters went forward a slew of guards came running down the grand,
grand, grand staircase, and blocked their path. The guards while intimidating were not vampires. They
were humans, considered to be a source of cheap, disposable labor much like immigrants. The lot of
them looked like quite rough characters, but this was balanced out by their bright red formal attire, and
their helmets that had shiny spikes on top.
Halt! said the head guard named Horris. Intruders are not allowed into this castle!
Generally speaking, said Marilyn, that is the idea.
Not for nothing, said Laura, but why did all you gents come swooping down the staircase
just now? Shouldn't you have been at the front, in the beginning, guarding this creepy, creepy castle?
Ah, bloody hell, said Horris. We was havin' a tea break.
Understandable, said Laura.
Now, said Horris, if you three could come forward, and give yourselves up, we can all go
back to our tea then.
Sorry, said Laura, but we've come here to chew bubble gum, and kick ass, and we're all out
of bubble gum.
You wot? said the Horris.
Quiet! said Laura, and she rushed forward, and did a spinning sidekick on Horris. Then
several dozen punches. Horris being a personal trainer (on the weekends only) was completely
unaffected.
Please, he said, you'll rumple my uniform.
Horris then grabbed Laura, and held her in place, twisting her arm behind her back. Laura
yelped from the pain, Aaaaaagh!
We have to do something! Evanna exclaimed.
But as Horris held onto Laura, he commanded the guards to surround Marilyn, and Evanna. At
once the guards encircled them, and began encroaching on their space.
STOP! Marilyn screamed.
What's all this then? said Horris. I give the commands around 'ere.
I'm a suicide bomber! said Marilyn.
Laura, and Evanna looked a bit confused, but had an inkling as to what their sister was doing.
If you come any closer, said Marilyn, I'll blow up the lot of you back to hell where you came
from.
Actually, said one of the guards, I'm from Leeds.
What a small world, said another guard. I am too.
Quiet, said Marilyn, or you're all getting it...!

You don't have a bomb, said Horris. It's a bluff.

Not a bluff, said Marilyn. I'm Irish... NORTHERN IRISH.
Good God, said Horris.
So stand back! said Marilyn. I swear, I'll do it. I'll blow everyone up. I'm like a honey
badger. I don't care.
Wait, where's your detonator? Horris said skeptically, stretching out his neck to see.
Marilyn stammered. Um, um, um... And then she pulled out her diamond wand. Ah-ha! It's
right here! See?
That don't look like a detonator, said Horris.
It's a new type, said Marilyn. I bought it from the black market. It was on sale. 2 for the price
of 1.
Fine, said Horris, calling Marilyn's bluff, why don't you go ahead, and blow us up then?
You wut? said Marilyn.
Blow us up, said Horris. We don't care. It will be an honor to die for our master.
Marilyn was at a loss for words. Laura nudged her in the side disapprovingly, unsure about her
most wacky plan.
Well, erm, said Marilyn, trying to carry on with her scheme, I'll need a moment. Technology
these days is rather sophisticated.
Wait, are you really going to blow us up? said Evanna. If you do, I imagine mam and dad
will be quite angry at us.
Never mind, carry on, said Horris.
So, Marilyn lifted her wand into the air, pointed it up, and began twirling it around.
Last warning, said Marilyn.
Hurry up, said Horris.
After a few more twirls, Marilyn stopped, and flicked her wrist. Like expected, nothing
happened... But then something happened! The diamond tip of Marilyn's wand became illuminated, and
then a beam of light, like a laser, shot out of it, and struck the floor. When it struck the floor a
moderately sized, glowing, red circle was created.
Seeing this, Horris' men jumped back in fright.
What happened? Laura whispered to Marilyn.
I don't know, Marilyn whispered back.
Stop whispering, said Horris. It's rude.
Oy, said one of the guards, what is this? Witch craft?
Not witch craft, said Marilyn. It is how I detonate my bomb. It's a sensor. You touch it, and
everyone goes kabooooom!
I do no want to go 'kaboom,' said Evanna.
Horris, still skeptical, walked ahead to inspect the glowing, red circle. It sat near the hole in the
castle that Lynch sisters created with their stolen car, which was now a total wreck.
Don't touch it! yelled one of the guards. You will doom us all!
As Horris was about to touch the red circle, a dove flew down from the sky, and landed upon his
hand. He jumped back, and screamed in terror.
By Satan's beard! he exclaimed. A dove!
The dove then flew off, and went past the guards, who also seemed rather terrified.
What's the matter? said Evanna. It's just a cute lil dove.
You fool, you foolish fool, said Horris. Doves are harbingers of bad luck...and death! Mostly
death.
Now, Marilyn boldly stepped forward.
Yes, she said, but you can stop it from happening, if you let us go by.
Horris was reluctant, but due to his superstitious nature stepped aside.

Fine, he said, you may go. But remember my guards, and I are not in a union, so we are used
to hard work. If the times comes that we are compelled to action, we will hunt all of you down, and
murder you in the most gruesome way possible. There will be blood. Just like in that movie: 51 Shades
of Grey.
Erm, right, said Marilyn, we will be on our way now.
Wait, said Laura, do you know anything about a boy named Winston Lynch?
Hrm? said Horris. I know nothing of this Winston Lynch. I am just a lowly security guard,
who has a much higher ranking than all of the other security guards.
Well, said Evanna, thanks for all the fish!
And then she began her way towards the grand, grand, grand staircase. Laura, and Marilyn
followed along.
I can't believe that worked, Laura whispered to Marilyn. You are a good liar, sister. Where did
you learn it from?
Church, said Marilyn.
Church? said Laura.
Yes, I lie about my sins in the confessional, said Marilyn. It's a convenient way to avoid a dozen
'Hail Marys.'
But you're not supposed to lie, said Laura. Won't you be going to hell for that?
No, said Marilyn.
How's that? said Laura.
Well, said Marilyn, when I go to confession, I tell all my lies in the beginning, and then at the
end I inform the Father that I sinned by lying...to my father. He has not yet suspected that I am referring
to him.
Wow, that's quite the loophole, said Laura. I shall try it myself.
Come on, said Evanna, quit chatting. We have to find Kit Kat, and Winston.
The Lynch sisters went up the grand staircase. As they were walking the steps, deciding where
exactly to go, they paused, and looked back. Horris was angrily screaming something to his men.
We have been duped! said Horris. This is just a pigeon that someone has painted white!
As it turned out that one of the guards had thrown his dagger at the so called dove. When it fell
dead from the air, he caught it in his hands, and handed it over to Horris. Upon closer inspection it was
discovered that it was not a dove at all, but a pigeon that someone had painted white. (What type of
prankster would paint a pigeon white?)
CHEESE IT! said Laura, and she, and the Lynch sisters ran up the grand, grand, grand staircase
as fast as they could.
Horris and his guards gave chase.
Stop, you cretins! he yelled. This could cost me my job! You wouldn't want that to happen to
me, would you...? I just got a dog! They're quite expensive to maintain!
Screw you, and your ugly dog! Evanna yelled.
Then she, Laura, and Marilyn took a sudden turn to the right, where they entered a long hallway,
with many, many doors. They ran into the doors looking for a safe place to hide, but were followed by
the guards. It was a game of cat and mouse, darting in and out of these doors, in and out, in and out.
But eventually, there were no more doors to go through, and the Lynch sister collided into each
other in the hallway.
Ow! said Evanna.
We can't keep doing this, said Marilyn. There's nowhere to hide.
What do we do? said Laura.
As Marilyn and Evanna were about to respond, all the guards suddenly poured out into the hallway
at once.
Horris then pointed to the sisters. There they are!

And Laura, Marilyn, and Evanna began running running away (again). They sprinted down the
hallway, and went through an archway. Here they stopped short of a huge pit. The pit, which was called
the Pit of Despair, as indicated by a wooden sign, was adorned with red stained spikes, and at the
bottom skeletons of numerous, various people.
Across the pit was an escape it seemed, a door leading to somewhere. Yet the Lynch sisters were
trapped. In front of them a deadly pit, and behind them, a gang of gnarly guards out for blood, and job
security from their employer.
Crap, said Marilyn, we're trapped.
He-he, Evanna giggled. That almost rhymes. It's like a half rhyme.
There's no time for any sort of rhyme, said Laura. Let's get our arses across that pit...!
I have a better idea, said Marilyn.
Marilyn whispered to Laura, and Evanna. Each nodded affirmatively, and then went to the edge of
the pit, and faced it. They began counting down from three. 3, 2...
When the Lynch sisters hit 1 they all at once turned around, and rolled themselves like logs
under the feet of the charging guards. The guards tripped, stumbled, and fell directly into the pit, where
they were killed, being skewered upon the spikes. Those who were not skewered died from the sheer
height.
Evanna began crying, sympathetic to their numerous, possibly unjustified, deaths.
That's gotta hurt, Marilyn said, looking down into the now bloody pit.
So much blooood, Evanna groaned.
It's not the blood that bothers me, said Laura, it's the screaming. She bellowed into the pit.
Shut up your faces already!
Now, said Marilyn, all we have to do now is get across this pit, and access that door.
Why? said Evanna.
Obviously, said Marilyn, this is the way to go.
How'd you figure? said Laura.
Why would they put a spiked pit in the middle of the floor, if there wasn't something important on
the other side? said Marilyn.
Touch, said Laura. Touch.
...I don't know what that means, said Evanna.
And with that the Lynch sisters made up their minds to get across the pit. But how would they
do it? Magic beans, perhaps?
Chapter 23: No, Not Magic Beans
After mysteriously figuring out a way to get across the pit, the Lynch sisters continued forth on their
journey. Meanwhile, in the basement of the castle, there was Winston, Priscilla, an assortment of
laborers, and local villain Adolphus Koychev. Adolphus was in a wheelchair, watching over everyone,
making sure they dug his tunnel.
Mush! Adolphus yelled to Winston while whipping him. Mush! Mush!
Winston bent over with his shovel, but continued to dig. Priscilla looked to him to see if he was
okay.
I'm alright, said Winston, but I'm baffled that his whipping strength has increased, since the
last time. Last time he wasn't even in a wheelchair.
I can hear you! Adolphus exclaimed with a crack of his whip. And to answer your question, I
have compensated for my paralyzed legs by exercising, and working out my upper body. Therefore
more strength at the top. Now be quiet, and MUSH! MUSH!!
Winston felt more stings of the whip upon his back. He was about to keel over, when
Oy! said one of the laborers. it seems we've hit an impasse!

The laborer made a digging motion forward, and hit the wall of dirt, which returned a tinging
noise as if striking metal.
Goody goody gumdrops! said Adolphus. Could it really be?
Could what be? said Winston. OW!
Adolphus whipped Winston, and then wheeled himself forward. He commanded the laborers to
use the blades of their shovels, and scrape the dirt off in front of them. Doing as told, after several
minutes gone by, they revealed something peculiar: a door.
But not just any door, it would seem, a special door. It was large, and round with strange
markings all over it. They were ancient looking, and cryptic except for the graffiti someone had done,
which was someone's hairy knob.
How mature, Priscilla noted.
It's not mature, said Winston. It's quite juvenile actually.
I was being sarcastic, Priscilla replied.
I knew that, said Winston. I was just, erm, testing you.
On what? said Priscilla.
Your communication skills, said Winston. You have passed the test. Congratulations.
As Priscilla rolled her eyes, Adolphus got up from his wheelchair, and went over to the large,
round door to inspect it. He ran his fingers along its grooves, feeling the strange markings which
strongly resembled hieroglyphics.
Hey, wait a minute, said Winston. I thought you couldn't walk.
Adolphus glanced back. I am pulling an insurance scam. Please, don't tell anyone.
I can't tell anyone, said Winston. I'm imprisoned in here.
Thank you for your obedience, said Adolphus.
Adolphus went back to looking at the door. He then took out a red leather-bound book from his
pocket, and began reading aloud a page in the middle. Upon murmuring some indecipherable words
words the door started turning on its own. Slowly it went counterclockwise, rotating as a gear would.
At the 11th rotation it stopped, and disappeared, disassembling into many small pieces, and hiding
away.
From the darkness came a tiny, little face. Then a body. What appeared to be a small skinny
man, no more than 4 feet tall, came hobbling out. He was hairless, and had dark, wrinkly skin, and
pointed ears. His mouth was wide, with fangs sticking out at the front. His eyes were as big as oranges.
He squinted, looking at everyone around him. When he saw Adolphus he squeaked, and ran into his
open arms.
My goodness, said Winston. Is that Smagol?
IT'S NOT Smagol , said Adolphus. This is my older brother, Vladimir Koychev. He's been
trapped down here for over 10,000 years.
Jayzus, said Winston. 10,000 years. That's a long time.
10,000 dog years, said Adolphus.
Hang on a minute, said Priscilla. Doesn't he run a successful clothing business? How's that
possible when he was inside of there?
He has telepathic powers, said Adolphus. I just carry out his orders. I'm pretty much a
puppet.
Yeah, Winston grinned, you're pretty much a pupp oh, wait, you already said that.
Your brother looks weird and skinny, Priscilla told Adolphus. Does he even lift?
He's hungry, said Adolphus. This is why he is skinny. I must feed him food.
Pizza? said Winston.
Not pizza, said Adolphus. Fleeeeeeeeeeeeesh.
Fleeeeeeeeeeeeesh? said Winston. Of the animal sort?
Of any sort, Adolphus said with a grin.

I don't like the way you said that, with a grin, said Priscilla. Your gesture implies you're up
to no good.
Adolphus whipped at Priscilla. Go back to your digging, she-devil!
There's nothing to dig, said Priscilla.
Dig a hole, said Adolphus. You can pee in it when you're done.
Yuck, said Priscilla, but she went off to her digging, anyway.
Adolphus, meanwhile, attended to his brother Vladimir. He gave him some water to sip, and
rubbed his wrinkly back.
My brother, he whispered, we will soon take over the world, but first you must regain your
strength. Look at all this delicious food in front of you.
Winston, hearing these words, became suspicious. He went over to Priscilla, and told her his
thoughts. The two then decided to hide behind a large rock while Adolphus was talking to Vladimir.
Now, Adolphus said to Vladimir. Go forth, and feed to your heart's desire.
Vladimir, skinny and weak, went up to one of the laborers, and looked up at him. He licked his
lips as if hungry, ready to eat.
The laborer laughed in his face. Ho-ho-ha-ha! What are you going to do to me, you small, little
wrinkly man?
The next moment the laborer found his face being eaten by this small, little, wrinkly man. When
he died due to lack of face another worker was then attacked. Vladimir went from person to person,
consuming their fleeeeeeeeeeeeesh, filling his increasingly growing belly. It was a savage sight, with
lots of screaming, blood, and people trying to run off.
Winston was reminded of the time he went to the the zoo, and the gorilla escaped out of its
cage, then broke into the arctic exhibit, and ate all the penguins. The local newspaper called it Death
March of the Penguins. The writer who came up with that title was later on fired for being insensitive
to penguins.
Chapter 24: The Puppy Room
Laura, Marilyn, and Evanna continued walking through the vampire's castle, having made no headway
in the maze-like structure. They decided to take a rest in a hallway which they thought to be empty.
I'm tired, said Evanna. I'm tired, and hungry. I'm tirungry.
Tirungry isn't even a word, said Marilyn.
Yes, it is, said Evanna. Look it up in the Urban Dictionary.
Anyway, said Marilyn, we can take a rest, and eat when we've rescued Kit Kat, and
Winston.
Yeah, so quit your complaining, Laura told Evanna, and please, stop licking my neck.
I can't help it, said Evanna. You smell so delicious.
Laura gave Evanna a little shove.
I'm serious, she said. Your licking is making me uncomfortable.
Evanna's eyes all of a sudden glowed red, then she hissed at Laura, and bared her fangs.
Oh, dear Jesus, said Marilyn. She's fully turned into a vampire. We'll have to put her out of
her misery. Go for the head, Laura, that's the only way to end it.
That's for zombies, said Evanna. And I don't need to be put out of my misery. I can control
it, you guys.
We can't take the risk, said Marilyn. We have to to rescue Kit Kat, and Winston, and kill this
head vampire guy, who we haven't even seen yet, and we can't do that with you staring hungrily at our
throats.
Please, said Evanna. I promise I won't cause any trouble. Honest!
I dunno, said Marilyn. We need to think about it.

Okay, said Evanna.

But first, you'll have to stop nibbling on my arm, said Marilyn.
Ooops! He-he, sorry, said Evanna.
Marilyn, and Laura then gathered together, and lowered their heads to one another. They began
whispering, so as to not be heard by Evanna.
Are you serious about this? said Laura.
We have to leave her behind, said Marilyn. She's a liability.
But won't she be stuck in the castle? said Laura.
When we kill the head vampire guy, said Marilyn, and she turns back to a human, we will
come back for her.
We don't even know how this head vampire guy looks, said Laura.
Have some confidence, said Marilyn. We'll find out.
Maybe you're right, said Laura. I mean, my detective skills are rather good. Remember when
I discovered who was stealing cookies from the cookie jar?
That was you, said Marilyn.
I know, said Laura, but I discovered it, didn't I?
That doesn't count for good detective skills, said Marilyn.
I was sleep walking, said Laura. It was hard to figure out. No one else knew.
You cracked the case by discovering crumbs on your lip, said Marilyn.
I got the job done, said Laura. That's all I care about, alright?
Marilyn sighed. Okay, so what is our decision on Evanna?
A moment later, Marilyn, and Laura turned to Evanna.
What is it, you guys? said Evanna.
We're leaving you here, said Laura. But we love you all the same.
I guess you'd call it tough love, said Marilyn.
Immediately, Evanna began weeping.
You guys are jerks jerks! said Evanna.
We'll come back, said Marilyn. We just don't want you following us around, and bitin' our
necks.
Forget you, said Evanna. I'm going home.
You can't go home, said Marilyn. You're a vampire. You'll burn up under the Irish sun...
Well, maybe. Usually it's pretty cloudy out.
Please, don't be angry, said Laura.
But Evanna could not be consoled. She ran off, leaving Laura, and Marilyn.
That didn't go too well, said Marilyn.
She's a sensitive, little girl, said Laura. One time I laughed at her haircut, and then she wore
a hat for a year. Never took it off once during that time, even when she went to the shower. Kids gave
her the nickname 'Hatty.'
I know, said Marilyn, but we have no choice. This is how it has to be.
I suppose, said Laura.
Marilyn, and Laura went on their way. They walked through the castle, searching for their
brother, and cat. Luck was not with them, however, as each time they thought they were getting
somewhere, they only found that they were lost. It seemed as if they were making circles.
But finally they arrived somewhere different and strange. It was a humongous room with
many stairs, going every which way: up, down, left right, diagonally, and even on the ceiling. Where
did all these steps go?
Well, we're screwed, said Laura.
We're not screwed, said Marilyn. We just have to figure where to go.

Marilyn noticed a map placed on a stand, like you would see in a mall, or shopping center.
That a map? said Laura.
It's a map, said Marilyn. A map for visitors, it says. We are here, apparently.
Marilyn pointed to the big, red X. There were labels on the map, indicating where the stairs led
to. There were all the things you expected from a castle, plus a McDonald's.
What's a McDonald's doing in here? said Laura.
I don't know, said Marilyn. I guess they're desperate to expand business. You want to go
visit?
Naaah, said Laura. I don't really like McDonald's.
Alright then, said Marilyn. Let's see if we can find somewhere else to go.
Marilyn, and Laura examined the map. They discovered there was a throne room (which they
believed to be the location of the head vampire), and a prison area. The prison area, they figured, was
probably where Winston, and Kit Kat were, but to get there they needed to go through either: the puppy
room, or the room of pure, concentrated evil.
Well, said Marilyn, I think it's pretty obvious which path we go.
Right, said Laura. The room of pure, concentrated evil.
Wot? said Marilyn. Are you mad?
This castle is a madhouse, said Laura. The puppy room is probably not what you think it is.
I'm not going into the room of pure, concentrated evil, said Marilyn. It is a stupid, eejiotic
idea.
But Laura would not back down, and soon the two sisters got into a heated argument. When
they each had to pause to catch their breath both agreed that the issue needed to be resolved another
way.
Arm wrestling? said Laura.
Arm wrestling??? said Marilyn.
Yes, we'll settle this via arm wrestling, said Laura. Whoever wins gets to decide where we
go.
So it was that Laura, and Marilyn, got down on the floor, and locked their hands together to arm
wrestle. They pulled back and forth, struggling against one another for the win. At first it seemed Laura
was to come out the victor, but then Marilyn told her a funny joke, and broke her concentration.
Marilyn slammed Laura's hand down on the ground. She had won the match.
No fair, said Laura. You tricked me.
I used my brains, said Marilyn. Than was not a trick.
Fine, said Laura, so we're going into the puppy room then?
It would appear so, said Marilyn.
OK, but how do we get there? said Laura. The stairs go upwards diagonally. Obviously this
place is designed for vampires or Spiderman.
Marilyn shrugged. Maybe we can just walk there?
'Maybe we can just walk there'? said Laura. As if it would be that easy.
The next moment Laura, and Marilyn found themselves walking 'upwards diagonally,' on the
staircase, leading towards the infamous puppy room.
Well, I'll be damned, said Laura.
I told you, said Marilyn. This is a wacky shack, magically enhanced castle. Anything is
possible.
Anything? said Laura. Can they turn a puppy into an iPod?
Marilyn groaned. I retract my statement.
Laura nodded, then she, and Marilyn went through a door, and entered the puppy room.
Chapter 25: I Have No Idea What I'm Doing

As Laura, and Marilyn went into the puppy room, there was a sudden loud sound of metal upon metal
that went BANG! The two sisters turned their heads back to look, and saw that the door they went
through was now sealed off by a series of thick metal bars.
That can't be good, said Marilyn.
Lord Jesus, said Laura, you're always so negative. Why not be positive once in a while?
Maybe those metal bars are for our benefit.
How? said Marilyn.
Uh, I dunno, said Laura. Perhaps if we lick them we can replenish the iron in our bodies.
Marilyn rolled her eyes. She, and Laura then continued on walking ahead. They went down a
pathway, came upon a large sign.
The sign read: Due to new zoning regulations the puppy room is now the room of pure,
concentrated evil.
Great, said Marilyn. Just great.
Look on the bright side, said Laura. At least I proved myself to be right. I feel quite proud
for being clever.
You know, pride is considered a sin, said Marilyn.
Oh, everything is a sin, Laura said in an annoyed voice. Wearing a t-shirt is a sin.
Marilyn raised her voice. That t-shirt you wore to church said 'Kiss My Blarney Stone,' and
there was a picture of a large, hairy man spreading his cheeks...!
Well, I thought it was funny, said Laura.
Marilyn shook her head. C'mon. Let's keep going.
So, the two sisters kept on walking, and then came to a large, rotund area, where there was a
curved wooden shelf, wrapping the walls. This shelf held hundreds of vials of purple, glowing liquid.
The vials looked like volumetric flasks, each round at the bottom, with a skinny neck for pouring.
Laura looked at the inscription in front of her, and read it aloud: Vials of Vile.
What does that even mean? said Marilyn.
I guess we'll have to find out, said Laura.
Stop! said Marilyn. DO NOT touch anything.
Sick and tired you bossing me around, said Laura. You're not the boss of me. I'm the boss of
you. I'm older than you. Respect your elders. I have the gauntlet.
You're talking nonsense, said Marilyn.
I am, said Laura, but I'm going to fiddle with these things, anyway.
And Laura picked up a vial, against Marilyn's wishes. She inspected it curiously, looking at the
ornate details, and glowing color.
Pretty, said Laura. She put the vial in her pocket.
You better put that back, said Marilyn.
Why? said Laura. It might come in handy.
What use could it possibly have? said Marilyn.
We will find out, said Laura.
No, we won't, said Marilyn. You put that back.
I'm not putting it back, said Laura. Am not like Evanna, you know. I have a mind of my
own.
Don't bring her into this! said Marilyn. She was dropped on her head when she was a baby!
Doesn't matter! said Laura. You're still not the boss of me!
We'll see 'bout that! said Marilyn.
And soon the two sisters got into a quarrel. Not just a quarrel but a physical fight, where they
began wrestling each other for control of the vial that Laura was holding. Then as it were an accident
occurred. When Marilyn reached up for the vile in Laura's hand, she jerked back her arm. The vile

slipped out her grasp, and went flying up into the air, and came crashing to the floor. There were
thousands of glass shards, scattered everywhere it seemed, and a plethora of purple goop.
The purple goop started bubbling, and smoking. Laura, and Marilyn couldn't help but stand
back, and watch out of curiosity.
Lookit what you've done, said Marilyn.
Me? said Laura. You're the dope who tried to wrassle with me.
Shhh, quiet, said Marilyn. Something's happening.
Laura, and Marilyn backed up, and watched in a hypnotic fashion the purple goop on the
ground begin to grow in size, expanding, moving upwards as if alive, pulsing with life. Then when the
smoke cleared a figure stepped forward. Laura, and Marilyn jumped back in fright.
IT WAS ADOLF HITLER.
Hallo! said Adolf Hitler.
The Fhrer! Marilyn exclaimed.
Heil myself, said Hitler.
What the feck are you doing here? said Laura.
I am Adolf Hitler, said Hitler. Are you not familiar with my work?
We're very familiar, said Laura, which is why we'd prefer if you kept your distance.
No, no, don't worry, said Hitler. The Fhrer is here to help. I'm like a genie in a bottle.
And you speak English? said Marilyn.
You spend so much time in a bottle, said Hitler, and you do what you can to pass the time. I
can also speak Elvish by ze way.
What about Gaelic? said Laura.
What a rubbish language, said Hitler. Why would I learn that?
Laura pulled back her fist. You take that back, you German son of a bitch!
Relax, Marilyn whispered to Laura. He might be dangerous.
So, said Laura, you're like a genie in a bottle, eh? Can you grant us three wishes?
Ah, no, said Hitler. I'm afraid that analogy was misleading. I meant that I'm like a genie
because I live in a bottle -- or at least I used to. That's really all we have in common.
So, what the hell is this? said Laura. How did you fit inside a bottle? Who, or what put you
in there? Was it the vampires?
No, said Hitler, my soul and essence was bottled up by a Jew.
Are you sure? said Marilyn. Or are you just the type who blames Jews for everything?
Yaw, you're right, said Hitler. I have no idea who did this to me, but here I am, and I'm
willing to help those who have graciously granted me my freedom.
Laura, said Marilyn, you hear that? We granted Adolf Hitler his freedom.
When life gives you lemons, said Laura. Erm... You know, sell them at the market.
That's not the saying, said Marilyn.
Whatever, whatever, said Laura. Let's just use this situation to our advantage.
Hitler nodded.
Hitler, said Laura, can you help us?
I'll do vat I can, said Hitler.
Marilyn whispered to Laura. I don't trust him.
What choice do we have? Laura whispered back.
Hitler smiled at the two Lynch sisters.
Chapter 26: Surprise
After some deliberation, Laura, and Marilyn agreed to take up Hitler's offer of help. He then led them
down a corridor, telling them that he would take them all to Kit Kat, Winston, and the head vampire.

So, Adolf, said Laura, you are aware that the entire world hates your guts, right?
I do realize that, said Hitler, but I try not to think about it. My philosophy about life is you
have to sweep away all the negative thoughts, and ideas, and criticisms, even if you're totally wrong.
That sounds like you're being willfully ignorant, said Marilyn.
Yaw, so what's the problem? said Hitler. I'm happy. That's all that matters, right?
Erm, maybe, said Marilyn.
Marilyn looked uneasily at Laura, as if she was having second thoughts about following around
Hitler.
I think we should bail, Marilyn whispered into Laura's ear. This is way too creepy for me.
I know it's creepy, Laura replied, but we'll get out of this castle faster with Kit Kat,
Winston, and non-vampire Evanna if we have some help. We can't do it all on our own.
EXCUSE ME, said Hitler. It is rude to have conversation, and not include other people.
Oh, uh, sorry, said Laura. We were just discussing, erm, girl things.
What sort of girl things? said Hitler.
Laura didn't know what to say.
Uhhh, tampons, she replied. And, um, Saint Patrick.
What about Saint Patrick? said Hitler.
Well, you know the story, said Laura. He drove all the snakes out of Ireland, and then started
a snakeskin boots company. Quite a coincidence, if you ask me.
Marilyn nodded.
So, tell me, said Hitler. I've haven't really spent much time outside of this castle. What has
become of the outside world? Has it gotten better or worse, since I left?
Hard to say, said Marilyn. In some ways better, in some ways worse. Instant communication
for example has been quite handy, but at the same time it has opened the door to humanity's idiocy. Do
you know what a selfie is?
Yes, said Hitler. It's when you kill yourself, instead of letting someone else do it for you. I
did it once. To be honest, I don't really recommend it.
Right, said Marilyn.
By the way, Hitler, said Laura, have you ever considered shaving your mustache?
What! No way, said Hitler. It's my best feature. It makes me look a lot like Michael Jordan.
Hmm, I guess it does, said Laura. I guess it does...
Not a moment too soon, Hitler, Laura, and Marilyn came to a stop. Yet again they came to
another door. But this door was unusually large. Laura, and Marilyn felt like ants standing in front of it.
They could hardly fathom how anyone could get it open. It was at least 50 feet from top to bottom.
Bloody Jesus Christ, said Marilyn. What are they keeping in there? A blue whale?
How about a sperm whale? said Laura.
Ugh, must you always be a gross pervert? said Marilyn.
Yes, said Laura. Yes, I must.
Don't get offended by this, said Marilyn, but have you ever considered growing up?
The thought hasn't occurred to me, said Laura. but
Ahem! Adolf Hitler went, clearing his throat. If you two wouldn't mind not chatting for a
minute, I would like to open this door now.
Okay, but what's behind it? said Laura Is it the prison? What did that map say again? I don't
remember. I have a very short memory. One time, I went to the grocery store, and I... I, um... Never
mind. I forgot the story.
Right, said Hitler with a stamp. Please, allow me to open this door. It shall only take a
moment. Step back, if you care for your own safety.
Laura, and Marilyn stepped back.
Hitler raised his arms in the air, and bellowed: Open Tahini!

Not a moment later the floor began rumbling, and the giant door came open. Marilyn, and Laura
looked ahead. There was nothing to see but darkness.
Nevertheless, Hitler pointed with his arm, and said, Go in. You'll find exactly what you need.
Chapter 27: Big Door
I don't trust it, said Laura.
Me neither, said Marilyn.
What? said Hitler. Why not?
Well, said Laura. You're Hitler.
So? said Hitler. I don't see your point.
Laura explained herself. Well, our da' told us once that, and I quote, 'If you're ever to meet a
reincarnated version Adolf Hitler, don't trust what he says, or take a ride in his automobile. It'll be
nothing but trouble.'
Not for nothing, said Hitler, but that is an oddly specific thing to say.
Our dad is an eccentric character, said Marilyn. Actually, our mam is too. So is our sister.
Wait a minute, we're all eccentric.
Hmm, I never noticed that, said Laura. Well, you learn something new every day.
OKAY, said Hitler, are we going to go through this humongous door, or not?
You go first, said Marilyn
Moi? said Hitler.
Laura and Marilyn nodded affirmatively.
Alright, said Hitler. I'll go first.
Hitler took in a breath, for reasons unknown, and goosestepped through the humongous door.
He disappeared, and then called back to Laura, and Marilyn.
There's no danger here, said Hitler. We can proceed.
How'd you know that? said Laura. It's totally dark in there.
Either way, said Hitler, this is the way to go.
I'm a scared of the dark, said Marilyn. Don't you have a torch, or anything?
Nein! said Hitler.
Laura shrugged her shoulders.
Guess we ought to go in then, she said.
Reluctantly, Marilyn agreed, and the Lynch sisters (minus one) went through the humongous
door, and entered into the darkness. As soon as they did they heard the sound of the door behind
closing, and suddenly the lights came on.
Laura, and Marilyn rubbed their eyes. They looked around, and saw they were in a place that
resembled an ancient coliseum, which included a jeering crowd.
Why are they booing us? said Marilyn.
Hitler grinned. They want blooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.
Must you say that with so many O's? said Laura.
Yes, said Hitler.
So, said Marilyn, this is a trap?
I wouldn't call it a trap, said Hitler. It's more of a... Wait, no, it is a trap, actually.
Hitler, you son of a bitch, said Laura, and she ran up to Hitler, and kicked him in his groin.
Agh! My groin! said Hitler, crumpling to the floor.
And how does this solve our problem? said Marilyn.
I dunno, said Laura, but it felt pretty good. You should give it a try.
Really? said Marilyn.
Yeah, said Laura. He is Hitler after all.

So, as Hitler was getting to his feet, Marilyn also gave him a kick between the legs. Then
another, and another, and another, and another, and
Stop! said Laura. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think he's had enough.
One more? said Marilyn.
Well, alright, said Laura.
After Adolf Hitler was again attacked in the groin, he crawled away, and passed out in a corner.
That was some good craic, said Marilyn. Don't know why I thought this was a trap.
Granted, said Laura, kicking Hitler in the groin is always some good craic. Should we do it
some more?
Nah, said Marilyn. My foot's sore. I must say, his potato sack is surprisingly robust.
Well, said Laura, let's get on with it then. We need to find Kit Kat, and Winston.
As Laura, and Marilyn began walking ahead to what they thought might be an exit, Adolf Hitler
began convulsing, and shaking violently, much to the delight of the surrounding crowd.
What's going on? said Marilyn.
All of a sudden Hitler rose up like a mummy, and split down the middle in two, revealing a
large, spotted, purple egg. The purple egg was roughly the size of a basketball.
Oooh, look, said Laura, breakfast!
You're sick, said Marilyn.
Laura and Marilyn went up to the egg, and picked it up.
What do you think is inside? said Marilyn.
Laura answered confidently: A small plastic toy that you have to assemble yourself.
It's not a Kinder Surprise, said Marilyn.
Then what is it? said Laura.
I don't know, said Marilyn, but we have to get rid of it.
So, Laura took the egg, and gave it a good punt. The egg flew up, and crash landed in the
crowd. Everyone who was around screamed, and ran away.
It's just an egg! said Laura. No need to shit yourselves!
Never mind, said Marilyn. Let's get out of here.
Laura, and Marilyn walked to the (normal sized) door marked exit. When they tried pushing it
open they found it was locked.
Locked! said Laura, giving the door a good kick.
But the others left through here, said Marilyn.
Well, the arseholes must've locked it, said Laura. We'll have to find another way out.
So, Marilyn, and Laura looked for another way out. But as they were doing so, they heard a
loud cracking-like noise, and stopped to turn their heads. The purple Hitler egg was opening.
A moment later a little pyramid came out of the eggshell. No ordinary little pyramid, however, it
was floating in the air, and the top portion was a creepy, glowing eye.
The feck is that? said Laura.
It's a floating pyramid thingy, with an eye on top, said Marilyn.
Nice explanation, Laura said sarcastically.
Hey, don't give me that tone, said Marilyn. I shouldn't be expected to know everything.
Well, said Laura, if it's anything like Hitler, we better destroy it.
So, Laura, and Marilyn went into the spectator area of the coliseum, and confronted the
(probably) evil pyramid.
You evil pyramid, said Laura. I've had enough for your bullcrap!
And Laura kicked the evil pyramid in its face. The evil pyramid rolled back, and then flew
upwards. It peered down at Laura, and Marilyn, as if watching out for them.
What does it want? said Marilyn. Maybe it's not evil. Maybe it's good? Hey, Mister Pyramid!
Can you help us out?

The evil pyramid looked down, and then began spinning. Every revolution it made it became
faster, and faster, and faster, until it was nothing but a geometrical blur.
I don't know what's going on, said Laura, but I am crapping my pants right now.
If you crap your pants, said Marilyn, it's probably better that you don't tell anyone.
Good advice, said Laura. Good advice.
Yes, good advice it was, yet it did nothing to help the situation. The pyramid kept on spinning,
and became so fast that it created beneath it a tornado. Laura, and Marilyn to keep themselves from
being sucked up, got down on their hands, and knees, and dug their nails into the ground.
My eyes are so dry! said Laura.
Really? said Marilyn, struggling not to be taken up by the tornado. Is that the thing that's
bothering you the most?
I'm sorry, said Laura, do you have a problem with me being concerned about my vision? You
know, these days seeing is very important.
Focus on the task at hand, said Marilyn. How do we stop this whirlwind?
Well, it's a pyramid, said Laura. So, maybe we
Suddenly Laura was picked up, and sucked into the pyramid's tornado. She disappeared into its
dusty swirl. Marilyn screamed at the loss of her dear sister but could do nothing except swearing.
Agh! You bastard pyramid! Marilyn yelled. You suck! I much prefer spheres! You'll never be
as cool as a sphere!
As Marilyn continued on with her expletives, the pyramid was gaining power, and it had sucked
up the door marked exit off of its hinges. Marilyn at this point had taken hold of a root in the ground,
and was holding onto it for dear life.
Whilst her feet lifted into the air, she discovered that this root was running a line straight to the
exit. So, using all her strength she began climbing her way up it, hoping to reach the exit. Through the
pain she kept telling herself: Come on, Marilyn! You can do it! Just a few more feet!
Then as it were Marilyn had reached the exit. Only inches away from it she reached one arm up
to grab hold of the door frame and then quickly lost her grip. She went flying up, towards the
tornado, and was sucked up just like Laura.
Chapter 28: A Bridge Too Far
It turned out that the tornado created by the evil pyramid was not a tornado at all. Rather it was a
transdimensional vortex that had transported Marilyn to another part of the castle. When she awoke she
found herself alone, with Laura nowhere to be found.
Wuuuh, where am I? said Marilyn.
Marilyn sat up, and looked about cautiously. She was in the middle of a wobbly rope bride that
was assembled with half rotten planks of wood. There was a chasm below her; so deep it was that when
she peered down she could not see to the bottom.
Bloody Mary, Jesus, and Joseph...! said Marilyn.
Marilyn stood up, gingerly, and put her hands on the edge of the bridge. She didn't know which
way to go, just that she had to get onto steady ground. Trembling from the cold, if not fear, she walked
ahead at a snail's pace. (Actually, there was a snail on the bridge, and it was going slightly faster than
her but we're splitting hairs here really.)
I can't believe I'm saying this, said Marilyn, but I wish Laura was here. Oh, sure, one time
when I was 12 she pushed me down the steps, and I broke my arm, but it was all in good fun. Wait, no
it wasn't. That bitch! Okay, no, I wish Evanna was here. Or the cat. Actually, I'd prefer the cat. He likes
sitting on my head when I'm lying down. It's like a hot water bottle, it is.
After calming her nerves down a bit, Marilyn continued along the bridge, all the while trying
her best not to look downand trying not to look at the hoards of oversized centipedes climbing up the

walls of the chasm.

Marilyn stopped. She couldn't move. Fear had overtaken her. Mentally, her legs were jelly. She
hated centipedes. Hated them to the high heavens.
Centipedes, she muttered. Why'd it have to be centipedes?
Marilyn covered her eyes, but curiosity got the better of her, and she peeked out between her
fingers. Centipedes, some as long as three feet, had gathered on the bridge. Their antennae joggled as
they crawled ahead.
Don't come this way, Marilyn whispered. Don't come this way...!
But the hundred legged creatures paid her words no mind, and started getting at her feet. Out of
desperation, Marilyn took her wand from her pocket, and stabbed one of the cheeky buggers in its eye
before it could bite her. From the wound green slime gushed up high, which appeared to excite the
others, and then they rushed forward like a charging herd of bulls.
They crawled all over Marilyn, encasing her entire body. Marilyn, encased in these arthropods,
screamed, and ran down the bridge without regard to its safety. When she got onto even ground, she
began rolling around as if trying to douse a fire. When enough of the centipedes were off of her, she
stood up, and kicked, and jabbed the rest away with her wand.
During this process of jabbing these most hideous creatures with her wand, she discovered
something peculiar. Her wand had created a portal: two holes, one red, one blue, connected to each
other, so that if you went through one you went through the other.
Holy guacamole said Marilyn. Is that what I think it is? I've created a wormhole with my
wand. She continued fending off the centipedes. Maybe I can use this to get me out of here...?
She then ran for a door some 50 feet away. Upon finding it locked she slipped the tip of her
wand between the crack in the middle, and made one end of a portal; the other end was placed next to
where she was standing.
Marilyn glanced over her shoulder, and saw the thousands of centipedes coming to get her.
There was no way she could defend herself against them, but she did not know whether the portal she
made was truly safe. What if she went in, and was evaporated? What if she went in half way, and
suddenly it shut off, chopping her in two?
There was only one way to find out.
Chapter 29: The Other Side
With a gulp, Marilyn jumped through the portal she had created. Much to her surpise she found herself
100% alive. Now there was only the problem of shutting off her route of escape. Unsure what to do she
gestured an X with her wand.
By God's fortune it did the trick, and the portal closed. However, during this happening an
unfortunate centipede was lopped in two. The front half of his body wriggled forward as if completely
unaware. Marilyn whinced at this sight, and decided to put it out of its misery with the heel of her foot.
SHMASH! it went with green goop flying everywhere.
Well, said Marilyn, I might not be the most popular Lynch sister, but I am certainly the most
compassionate.
After nodding in agreement with herself, Marilyn, turned around, and continued on her journey
in the hope to save what remained of the Lynch family. She came upon yet another bridge, though this
one was passing over the castle's dining area. The narrow spaces between the balusters allowed her to
peep down undetected.
Below there was a group of vampires, sitting around an enormously long dining table, which
had in the middle a person. This person was strapped down, and gagged, but struggling to get free.
Though his words were muffled it was obvious what he was saying: HELP ME! HELP ME!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE HELP ME!

What are they going to do to him? Marilyn thought.

Then one of the vampires stood up, and raised his glass filled with vampire Kool-Aid.
Praise be to this joyous occasion, said the vamp in the cape. Our master has returned, and
provided us with this wonderful feast. I don't know about the rest of y'all, but this will be the first time I
eat a businessman, and not just any businessman, a businessman who gained notoriety for stealing
millions from an unsuspecting public...
Get to the freaking meal!!!!!!!!!!! exclaimed another vampire.
Yes, will do, said the vamp in the cape. If you'd kindly hand me that there carving knife, I
can begin...
Marilyn looked on in horror as the vampires were about to feast. Marilyn had an urge to help,
but was rather annoyed at the man on the table for bilking innocent people out of their money.
Nevertheless she quickly had a change of heart.
It's the right thing to do, said Marilyn. But first I have to oh, God, he's already dead! Well,
what really matters is I wanted to help him. It's the thought that counts, right?
Marilyn frowned, knowing that was untrue.
Well, she said, at least I don't have to go through the whole ethical dilemma of whether or
not to help. Now I can just breeze by, and continue on with my journey.
And so, Marilyn began crossing the bridge. To avoid detection she walked forward in a low,
squat-like position. Steadily she went, but then as luck would have it she accidentally let out a huge,
noisy fart that stank like rotten potatoes.
All at once the vampires below looked up, towards the bridge, and spotted Marilyn. Marilyn,
knowing she was caught, decided to make a run for it. However, the vampires, flew into the air, and
dropped down in front of her, cutting off her path of escape.
Hello, said the vamp in the cape. Would you care to join us for supper?
Marilyn was afraid of the vampires, but decided to engage them in conversation, so that she
could buy herself time to think of a plan.
(Fact: Vampires are unusually gregarious. They behave this way as they believe that it helps
them seduce their prey.)
In, in what way? Marilyn replied.
In the way that we eat you, said the vamp in the cape.
No, thanks, said Marilyn. I'd prefer to live. It's just a thing I like doing, you know.
I wasn't asking, the vamp in the cape growled.
Actually, said Marilyn, you did ask.
Oh, yes, I remember that, said the vamp in the cape. But I was trying to act tough.
You don't look so tough, said Marilyn.
Wuh-wuuuuuh? said the vamp in the cape. I too am tough! Don't you see this lovely cape I
have?
What's that all about? said Marilyn.
It's a cape you get for being courageous, said the vamp in the cape.
What courageous act did you do? said Marilyn.
The vamp in the cape grinned. I rescued a kitten from a tree.
That's it? said Marilyn.
It was sunny outside, said the vamp in the cape. Well, not that sunny. You know how the
weather is around here.
Peh! said Marilyn. If you're so tough, and courageous, why do you need this squad of goons
to help you out?
Huh? said the vamp in the cape. But these are my peeps.
Let's fight, said Marilyn. One to one. Or do you not think you can take me on alone?
The vamp in the cape sneered. So, you think I'm some sort of gay vampire?

Uh, what? said Marilyn.

I'm not a gay vampire! said the vamp in the cape. I don't sparkle, and I will fight you, one to
one.
But what does the winner get? said Marilyn.
If you win, said the vamp in the cape, I and my companions will leave you alone, and let you
live. If I win, I eat your bones.
Marilyn was shaking inside, but had to follow through with her impromptu scheme to stay alive.
Alright, she said, it's a deal. How shall we fight? I propose mixed martial arts.
Pankration? said the vamp in the cape. Hmm, alright. If that is what you wish.
Marilyn nodded.
But first, she said, I have to do something.
What is it? said the vamp in the cape. Are you trying to cheat?
No, erm, it's women stuff, said Marilyn.
Women stuff? said the vamp in the cape.
Yes, said Marilyn.
Alright, said the vamp in the cape. I don't know exactly what that means, but if it's what I
think it is, and I do think it is what I think it is, you go off, and do what you have to do, though please
keep it to yourself.
Thank you very much, said Marilyn.
When the vamp in the cape nodded, she went off to a corner, and turned around so her back was
facing the others. She finished what she had to do, and returned to the vampires, whose noses for some
reason were twitching.
Okay, she said, cracking her knuckles. ...I'm ready to fight.
Then in an instant the vamp in the cape attacked her. He punched her in the gut, so hard that she
was thrown off her feet, and landed on the ground with a resounding thud! Marilyn held her
midsection; she could hardly breathe. She was wheezing, and groaning from pain.
Come on! said the vamp in the cape. Let's go! Put up yer dukes!
So, Marilyn stood up, and put up her dukes. In that instant the vamp in the cape rushed towards
her, and began battering her without mercy. Marilyn could not defend herself, and was then grabbed
around the throat, and squeezed. Unable to breathe she felt the life trickling out of her body.
The vamp in the cape laughed. Mwah-ha-ha! You foolish fool! You thought you could defeat
me? I'm the jugganaut, bitch!
You're not the jugganaut...! said Marilyn, and she opened up her hands, and clapped the vamp
in the cape against his temples.
The vamp in the cape was shook, and stumbled back. The other vampires looked perplexed,
wondering what was going on. (How could he be so weak?) But Marilyn paid them no mind, and, with
her open palms, she struck the vamp in the cape over, and over again, until he became so badly hurt
that he could not move. Then she grabbed him by the head, and held it in place, until he shrieked, and
exploded in flames, dying, disappearing as a puff of smoke.
Breathing heavily, Marilyn looked up at the vampires, who were watching. She made a sharp
step forward, and frightened them away. They flew off like birds.
Holy cow, said Marilyn, still catching her breath. I, I can't believe that worked.
She turned her hands, and looked into her palms. They were red, and bloody, each marked with
a Catholic cross. Was this a Christmas miracle? Or perhaps some bizarre form of stigmata? No, it was a
part of Marilyn Lynch's plan to defeat the vamp in the cape. Earlier when she was turned around,
preparing for her fight, she had picked up a sharp stone, and with great pain, etched the crosses into her
palms. The crosses were what subdued the vicious vampire.
Well now, said Marilyn, there's no time to be reminiscent about something that happened
several minutes ago. I must carry on forward.

And that is what she did. Marilyn walked forward for the door ahead, but did so slowly, and
carefully, as she was still reeling from the vampire's assault. She was bruised, and cut, and was
wheezing. There was blood on her lips.
Don't give up now, Marilyn told herself whilst in pain. Your sisters, and brother, and cat are
depending on you.
Marilyn got to the door, and went through.
Chapter 30: Another Side
When Marilyn went through the door she found herself in a place called the Leprechaun Chamber. The
Leprechaun Chamber was the part of the castle, where Leprechauns were kept. The Leprechauns,
however, were not treated as guests. Rather they were kept in cages, which were suspended by wires.
Are these leprechauns? Marilyn wondered. And what are they doing here?
Oy, little girl, said Shaymus. Stop your starin' or I'll scratch yer eyes out.
You're awfully angry for a short man, said Marilyn.
I apologize, said Shaymus. Me and me friends 'ave been locked up 'ere for ages. Am a bit
irritable.
Are you a leprechaun? said Marilyn.
This your first time, said Shaymus. Well, indeed, I am a leprechaun.
So, are you magical? said Marilyn.
As magical as a banshee, said Shaymus.
Then why don't you just bust yourself out here? said Marilyn.
Shaymus jumped up, and shook his fist.
I bloody well would, said Shaymus, but I've had me lucky charms stolen!
What are these lucky charms? said Marilyn.
Lucky charms are our source of power, said Shaymus. They are created with metals from the
heavens, then forged by the fire of volcanoes, and lifted into the stratosphere by eagles, who cool them
with enchanted rain. ...If I'm honest, they're rather shitty looking pieces of Jewelry, but they get the job
done.
How interesting... said Marilyn. Welp, I'll be on my way now. Toodles!
Wait! said Shaymus.
Marilyn paused.
Yes? she said.
Listen, said Shaymus. Let's cut a deal.
What sorta deal? said Marilyn. Is it a Reebok sponsorship deal? Because if it is, I can tell
you I'm definitely out.
No, listen, said Shaymus. I need me lucky charms. If you can get me me lucky charms, I will
help reunite you with your ugly family.
My family's not ugly, said Marilyn, and how do you know about this?
Aye, I've lost most of my powers, said Shaymus, but not all of them. I can still read the
minds of weak willed Irish women.
Not for nothing, said Marilyn, but you're a rather rude person.
Do you want me help or not? said Shaymus.
I don't know, said Marilyn. I don't really trust you. Besides being rude, you're kinda creepy.
What's so creepy about me? said Shaymus as he was licking the bars of his cage. ...This is
for nutritional benefits by the way. I'm low on iron.
Fine, said Marilyn. I'll help you. How do I get your lucky charms?
See that door there? said Shaymus. He pointed. All you have to do is go through, enter the
Maze of Doom, and get by the gate.

Excuse me? said Marilyn. Did you say DOOM?

Relax, said Shaymus. Don't be fooled by the word doom. It's not like the video game at all.
Still, said Marilyn, sounds pretty risky.
Shaymus put his hands together, and begged. Please. If you leave us here we will parish.
Don't you mean 'perish'? said Marilyn.
What're you? Me bloody English teacher? said Shaymus.
Alright, said Marilyn, no need to call me names, I'll do it.
Really? said Shaymus in a lowered voice. Well, enjoy the suicide mission.
What's that? said Marilyn.
Oh, nothing, said Shaymus. I was just thinking about the time I got into a fight with a
quadriplegic.
Why ever would you fight a quadriplegic? said Marilyn.
Eh, it's a long story, said Shaymus.
Then write a book about it, said Marilyn sarcastically.
I did, said Shaymus. You can buy it online for 99p. Oy, that thing took me 2 years to write
but it got rated 1 out of 5 stars. I tell you, I cried for a very long time. Actually, it makes me sad now to
think about it. Aye, I wanted to be a writer so bad, and I completely failed. Me da' was right! I didn't
have the chops!
And Shaymus the leprechaun began sobbing uncontrollably. It was at this point Marilyn decided
it was time to hit the bricks... INTO THE MAZE OF DOOM.
Chapter 31: Amazing?
Entering the Maze of Doom, Marilyn heard a click. The door behind her locked. She was worried, but
took a moment to take in her surroundings. All the walls around her, which twisted and turned like a
maze would, were a bright, neon blue. On the contrary, the floor, and ceilings were entirely black. It felt
like she was floating, or on drugs, or something of that nature. Not that she'd ever done drugs before,
other than cough syrup.
Well, said Marilyn, trying to calm her nerves, this isn't as bad as I imagined. It's rather serene
actually. She took in a deep breath. Now, where could these lucky charms be?
Marilyn walked ahead, and went around a corner. She looked out, and saw a gate. Behind the
gate were some lucky charms, sitting in a bowl, undisturbed on a pedestal. Marilyn tried opening the
gate only to find it was locked; she reached her arm through the bars but by a few inches could not
reach the charms.
However, all was not lost. Someone had left behind a helpful note. Marilyn picked it up to read.
The note read: Dear stranger, after spending three days trapped in this maze, I have figured out
all of its secrets. To win this lovely 'game of death,' all you have to do is
The note was torn at the bottom.
All I have to do is what?! said Marilyn. She shook the note like it was a person. Out with it,
you damned note!
But it was of no use. The note was thoroughly an inanimate object. At this point Marilyn
collapsed onto her knees, and in frustration, pressed her hands into her face.
What am I going to do?! she cried. What am I going to do?!
As the lass shed many tears her ears suddenly perked up upon hearing a sound like that of
whoosh, something floating through the air. She lifted her head, and what her eyes saw she couldn't
believe. There was a phantom.
The phantom was a red blob-like creature, having the shape of a man under a tattered bed sheet,
except with enormous angry eyes on the outside, and a giant mouth that had numerous pointed teeth.
Erm, hello, said Marilyn. Friend or foe...?

The phantom roared: ROOOOAR! Now Marilyn thought it would be a good idea to start
running.
Foe, she told herself, definitely foe!
She got around a bend to hide, but saw another phantom across from her. This one was orange
in color. The cheery color though did not console her as she encountered a third phantom that was
turquoise, and a fourth one which was pink. All of them wanted to eat her little, pale, white face.
Oh, Jayzus, said Marilyn, I'm going to die. And for what? Some lucky charms? MAGICAL
DELICIOUSNESS?!
Marilyn began trembling from fear. She had no idea what to do. But then she remembered some
advice that her mother, Margaret Lynch, gave her a long time ago: If you ever get into trouble, just go
to the library, and borrow a book on the topic. If they don't have the book you need, then hug your
knees, and sob in a corner, and a handsome but clever man will feel sorry for you, and solve all your
problems for you because he thinks you're pathetic.
Wait, said Marilyn, that doesn't sound right. What was the other thing she told me?
If you ever get lost in a black and blue maze, eat all the yellow dots. The big ones are
especially important. It will help you kill the phantoms and/or ghosts.
Sincerely,
Margaret Lynch, aka mammy.
Oddly specific that, said Marilyn, but I guess it's that or nothing.
And so Marilyn went around the maze searching for yellow dots. After running away from the
pink phantom, she found a slew of them, all lined up on the floor. They glowed a bright yellow, and
somehow floated just an inch above the floor.
Marilyn bent over, and picked one up. She sniffed it, and noted that it did not have the scent of a
lemon. Rather it smelt like dog shite.
Oh gawd, said Marilyn. Do I actually have to eat these?
Not having much of a choice, Marilyn plugged her nose, and put the yellow ball in her mouth,
at which point she discovered the taste was not dog shite, but that of haggis.
Oh God, it's worse than I imagined, said Marilyn.
Marilyn dry heaved, almost about to throw up.
No, don't quit now, she told herself. I have to eat all these yellow balls, even if it kills me.
So, Marilyn picked up every ball that she saw, and never getting used to the taste, ate each one
like the last. By the time she'd eaten all she could, her belly was protruding, and looked like it was
going to burst. She put her hands on a wall, and leaned for support.
I take back what I said earlier, Marilyn groaned. I'm not going to eat these yellow balls, even
if it kills mebecause I quit! I'm going to find a way out of this maze, and this castle, and I'm going to
go home back to Ireland to give mam and dad the bad news that everyone except for me has died. Oh,
sure, they'll be brokenhearted, ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED, but they will just have to suck it up
because this is life. We're Irish. Bad things happen to us... Like now for instance.
Marilyn looked left, then right, and saw that two phantoms had found her. On either side they
blocked off any route of escape. In mad desperation, Marilyn stomped her foot, and put out her hand.
STOP! she said. If you touch me, I will call the police on your for sexual harassment!
But the phantoms, having grown up in the 1920s, did not really care about this, and headed
straight towards her. Marilyn trembled, thinking she was about to die, but then looked down, and
noticed a big, yellow ball. It was bigger than all the others by about four or five times. Remembering
the advice her mother had given her, she picked it up, and ate it as quickly as possible.
The instant she was done the phantoms changed their colors, from turquoise, and orange, to a

nice neon blue. When they collided with Marilyn they became nothing but a pair of eyes, and then
hastily floated away.
Oh my goodness, said Marilyn. This is just like that video game I once played... Mappy!
Having discovered how to defeat the phantoms, Marilyn was assured that she could solve the
puzzle of the maze too, and so she went around eating whatever dots she could find, and soon had ate
them all. As soon as she finished the very last ball, the walls around her melted away, and only the area
left was the place where the lucky charms were kept.
Marilyn ran towards the gate, and pulled it open. She took the lucky charms, and heard a
synthesized voice.
Congratulations, it said, would you like to play again?
Sorry, said Marilyn. I'm all out of tokens, and she backtracked to the door she came
through, and returned to the Leprechaun Chamber.
Chapter 32: Charming
Upon returning to the Leprechaun Chamber, Marilyn saw that all of the leprechauns were lying down
in their cages, looking extra sickly.
What happened here? said Marilyn.
We're dying, said Shaymus. Without our lucky charms we cannot function.
But I have the lucky charms here, said Marilyn. She held them up for everyone to see.
The leprechauns gasped in surprise, and spurred on by hope they all slowly rose to their feet.
You have saved my people, said Shaymus.
Marilyn went to Shaymus' cage, and handed over the lucky charms. Shaymus putting the lucky
charms around his wrist, felt a surge of energy rush through his body. He broke free from his cage, and
with a wave of his hand freed the others. The leprechauns began a celebration. One of them busted out
a fiddle, and started playing a song. Except for Shaymus, they all held hands, and danced around in a
circle.
A happy bunch, aren't they? said Marilyn.
Yeah, pretty annoying, isn't it? said Shaymus. I want to strangle them all with my bare
hands. But I won't because I just don't have the time.
So, said Marilyn, does that mean you're not going to help me out, or what?
Hold onto your panties, said Shaymus. I'll do as I promised. After a;;. I am leprechaun of my
word.
Wondering what Shaymus was going to do Marilyn stood back. Shaymus then reached into her
pocket, and took her wand.
Hey, said Marilyn, what're you doing?
Shaymus went to the nearest wall, and, with wand in hand, magically put his arm through it.
After that he went back to Marilyn, and returned what was hers.
Is this you helping me out? said Marilyn.
You need a route of escape, said Shaymus. I've provided that. There's one end of a portal
outside. If you need to leave the castle, make another bit, and then go through it. But don't be using
your wand all Willy Nilly. Is for emergencies only.
So, that it? said Marilyn. This is all you're doing for me? After I ate all those yellow balls
that tasted like haggis? This wasn't even worth it, I tell you.
Impudent Irish wench, said Shaymus. I am not yet done.
Wha'? said Marilyn.
No, said Shaymus. I am going to lead you to the head vampire.
But where's my brother, and sisters, and cat? said Marilyn.
They will be with the head vampire, said Shaymus. He rubbed his temples, and squinted. I

can see them with my leprechaun magic. They are in great distress.
Tell them to hang on! said Marilyn. I'm coming!
Hey, me brain ain't a mobile phone, said Shaymus. This isn't two way communication.
Oh, sorry, said Marilyn.
Anyway, said Shaymus. There's a trapdoor near here. If you go down it you'll enter the
library, and from there you'll find the throne room. Tha's where the head vampire is. Once you defeat
'im all your troubles will be over. Well, at least the ones puttin' your family in mortal danger.
But who is this head vampire? said Marilyn. And how do I defeat him?
I don't know him personally, said Shaymus, but when you see 'im you will know it. He looks
a bit like your sisters.
How could that be? said Marilyn.
Well, said Shaymus, with a snigger, the head vampire is really fat, and ugly.
This is no joke, said Marilyn. My family is in real trouble. I mean, what if your family was
in trouble? Would you have a laugh then?
Can't say I would, said Shaymus, because I 'ave no family.
Yeah, girls don't really like short guys, said Marilyn.
You slapper, said Shaymus. I've a wife, just no kids. I tried to have some, but when me wife
was givin' birth, she ate our babies right after they came out 'er 'ole. She didn't t'ink we could bear them
financially.
She wut? said Marilyn.
She ate 'em, said Shaymus.
She ate them? said Marilyn.
Gobbled the little ones up right away, said Shaymus. I couldn't stop 'er. I tried, but female
leprechauns is a lot like hamsters. It's a real 'my way or the highway' attitude. I blame it on European
culture. It's far too hedonistic.
Wow, what a way to go, said Marilyn, eaten by your own parents.
I didn't eat any, said Shaymus. It was all her.
Still, said Marilyn, it's pretty disgusting.
Anyway, said Shaymus, I'd rather not talk about my past with a stranger.
Okay, said Marilyn. Tell me about the head vampire instead.
Like I says, said Shaymus, he's just a vampire on the regular, except he's super fat, and ugly,
and has a huge, over-sized appetitewhich I would watch out for. Believe me, I know that sounds
rather vague, but when you see 'im you'll know. He doesn't look like a suave, slick vampire. His outside
is everything that they are on the inside.
Alright, said Marilyn, and how do I defeat him?
Like I says, said Shaymus, he's a regular vampire. Or no, he is a vampire on the regular.
That's not what I've been hearing, said Marilyn.
Never mind those fairy tales you heard, said Shaymus. They're just spun up in the rumor mill
to scare people off. The head vampire might be powerful, but he has all the vulnerabilities of his
minions.
What's his name? said Marilyn.
Why you want to know that? said Shaymus. Going to ask him out on a date?
The more information I have the better, said Marilyn.
Well, his name is Vladimir Koychev, said Shaymus, and he has a brother named Adolphus
Koychev. Not that any of that matters.
Either way, I'm going to find them both, and kill them, said Marilyn. Or at least I'll hurt them
bad enough that they will have to go to hospital.
I don't think vampires are covered by NHS, said Shaymus.
Even better, said Marilyn, cracking her knuckles.

Right, said Shaymus, now, for my final bit of help...

Shaymus went off to a corner, and returned, but was now holding a set of bagpipes.
Bagpipes? said Marilyn.
I think these used to belong to your sister, said Shaymus, but now they're yours.
Wait. So, this is it? This is what you're giving me? said Marilyn. The last thing that remains
of my sister? At least that's what I speculate.
Hear me now, said Shaymus. Your sister has yet to die, but if you take her bag pipes, which I
actually think she stole... So, erm, they're not really hers... Anyway, take these bagpipes, and you can
use 'em to subdue your enemies. There's nothing worse to a vampire's ears than bagpipes.
And humans, said Marilyn.
Not in the same amount, said Shaymus. Believe me.
Marilyn took the bagpipes.
Hold on a minute, she said. If these bagpipes are Laura's, then how'd you get them?
She came passing through here like you, said Shaymus, but we got into an argument, and
before she stormed off, she threw the pipes at me cage. A nasty temper that one's got.
As long as she's still alive, said Marilyn, that's all I care for. Although come to think of it,
she is kind of a bitch sometimes. One time when we were kids she put my doll in a blender. She didn't
blend it up, but it gave me quite the fright. Then a week later I found it was actually my dad who did it.
What a mix up that was.
Shaymus rolled his eyes, and sighed. Aye, I must be headed off now.
Wait, no more help? said Marilyn.
I have done all that I can, said Shaymus. Now, the rest is up to you.
Have you really done all that you can? said Marilyn.
No, said Shaymus, but I don't much care for your company.
And Shaymus clapped his hands, and, in an instant, he, and all his leprechaun friends vanished
into thin air.
Chapter 33: Library Fun
Carrying her bagpipes, Marilyn went through the trapdoor, and began climbing down an old, wooden
ladder. She descended slowly, keeping a mind on her footing. Then all of a sudden one of the rungs on
the ladder broke in two, and she lost her balance, falling straight into the library.
Thud!
Landing on her bagpipes, Marilyn's drop was cushioned. She was hurt, but still functioning. She
groaned, and got to her feet.
Bloody Jesus Mary Joseph Christ, said Marilyn. It's like I'm curse or something...! Oh boy, if
anything else goes wrong, I am going to scream.
Thankfully, nothing else did go wrong, but Marilyn decided to scream anyway. The library was
empty, and she thought it would be a novelty to scream full blast in a library. It was something she had
never done before.
It sounded something like this: YeaAGHHhhHHHhhhHHhhHHHHHaHahAaAAahH!!!!11
Well, said Marilyn, I feel much better now, but how do I get out of here?
She walked around the library, looking for an exit. It was enormous, as big as an Ikea store, and
the shelves were several stories high. The books were all very old, but looked like they hadn't been
checked out in decades.
For a place where you were supposed to read it was rather dark, and creepy. There were
cobwebs in every corner, and rats, and cockroaches running along the floor, not to mention the bats
flying about the ceiling.
Unperturbed, Marilyn slowed down, and stopped to look at some books in the food and cooking

section.
She read the titles off of their spines:
- The Complete Vampire's Cook Book
- Mastering the Art of Vampire Cooking
- The Naked Vampire Chef
- Science in the Kitchen and the Art of Eating People
- Bitey Crocker's Cook Book
- Blood: A Tasting Course
- The Joy of Cooking People
- Cooking People for Dummies
- Human Soup for the Soul
- How to Eat Fried Humans
- Blood! Yum, Yum, Yum! So Delicious! Blood in Me Mouth!
You know, said Marilyn. I think I've learned something here today. It's that eating meat is
wrong. I mean, the way vampires treat us humans as food is what we do to animals, and surely that
can't be right. From this day onward I will stop eating meat... Unless I'm at a party or something. You
don't wanna look like a weirdo, and be the person who asks for tofu, right?
And with that life lesson Marilyn continued on her way through the library. She went around
looking for an exit route, and then came to an enormous stained glass window. The stained glass
window ran from floor to ceiling, and depicted a gruesome scene of vampires ruling over the world,
enslaving humans, and treating them like cattleor black people from the beginning of time to the
1970s.
Wow, intense, said Marilyn.
She looked through the clearest bit of stained glass window she could find, and saw what
looked like a throne room. The throne room, said the leprechaun, was where Marilyn's family would
be. Though it was hard to tell as all the faces were blurry, but
That has to be it, said Marilyn. There's a throne, and everything. What else could it be?
Marilyn turned her head, side to side, seeing if there was a way to get inside, hopefully
undetected. So, she went along the stained glass window, and haphazardly followed a wall. It appeared
there were no doors to lead her in, other than those that were on the other side.
Annoyed, frustrated, Marilyn went a bit mad.
Damn this castle to hell! she said. And screw this library in its hole!
She marched up to the bookshelves, and began grabbing all the books, and ripping out the
pages, tossing them to the floor. While doing so, she came across a copy of Bram Stoker's Dracula. She
tried pulling it out, but the novel, rather than sliding out without trouble, instead half fell out at an
angle, and then went back into its place, like it was some sort of lever.
Whoa, said Marilyn. What was that?
And she stepped back, and widened her stance as the floor began rumbling. She looked down,
and saw a hole had opened up in the ground. Not a second after, a pole of gold colour arose from this
hole, and went all the way up to the ceiling.
Marilyn folded her arms. Excuse me, am I really expected to go down that pole? I'm not a
stripper. Also, who designed this castle? Frank Gehry?
Nevertheless, our heroine took to the pole like an English woman, and slid down it with ease.
When she landed on steady ground she found she was in a tunnel. She went through the tunnel, and
went up a set of stairs, and slowly pushed open a square door, just enough so she could peak out.
As it turned out the square door was a hidden door, placed exactly behind the throne in the
throne room, so that it could not be detected if not in plain view. This was created as a means of a
treachery.

I can't see squat behind here, said Marilyn, and she pushed up the square door, allowing her
head to stick out. She then retrieved her pocket mirror, and held it at an angle so she could see what
was going on.
She gasped at what she saw in the mirror. There were several hundred attired vampires stood in
perfect formation on a blood-red carpet. They appeared as if they were waiting for something, and then
the giant double doors at the front burst open, and a procession of more vampires, but with trumpets,
came inside. They walked ahead, blowing their instruments. Before they walked the length of the
carpet, they spun on their heels, and marched off to the sides, making a large space in the middle.
Right after this something gargantuan came into the throne room. It was a huge, green, pimply,
rancid blob, with numerous tentacles, and an enormous mouth. This was the head vampire, Vladimir
Koychev. How he had grown to the size of a bus from ordering takeaway, and feasting on food within
his castle. Behind him was his brother, Adolphus.
Adolphus stayed close to Vladimir, who rolled forward, and took a seat on the throne, which
instantly crushed under his weight.
Oh, crap, said Marilyn.
But there was no need to panic as she was hidden behind Vladimir's belly folds, and a stink that
if were illustrated would be the colour green. Yep. Marilyn was safe in her spot. No one could see her,
nor smell her. However, she had to put her hand over her mouth to keep herself from throwing up. That
sort of thing, she thought, might give her away.
Don't throw up, Marilyn told herself. You can do this, okay. Think of Ireland. Think of a
fresh field of green clovers... Oh, shite, it's not working!
Marilyn threw up, all over the head vampire's back. By some fortune Vladimir did not even
notice.
Well now, Marilyn thought, looks like things are going my way. But now that Fatty Mcfatfat
is in my way, I can hardly see anything.
So, testing her luck, Marilyn clambered out through the square door, and in a stooped position,
walked out. She took cover behind Vladimir's massive body, and got a better angle with which to use
her mirror. No one noticed her. All the vampires were staring dead ahead, barely moving a muscle.
Looks like a ceremony is going on, Marilyn thought. I guess this is the head vampire. I have
to kill him. But how? Maybe if I wait here long enough, he'll get a heart attack.
Marilyn stared into her mirror, and watched to see what was happening. All of a sudden the
vampires started singing, and dancing. Goodness gracious me, they were doing a musical to entertain
Vladimirand it was evident that he was very amused as his tentacles were flailing like crazy, so much
so that his slime flew all around the place, and a gob of it hit Marilyn bang, dead center in the face.
Marilyn spit out the slime in her mouth, and wiped her face.
It tastes like it looks, she remarked.
When the musical was over the next part of the ceremony began. Adolphus Koychev went up to
his monstrous brother, and waved a golden staff in the air.
It is with great honor, said Adolphus, that I welcome back, and re-crown the king of the
vampires, and the head of our clan. To thee Vladimir Koychev, I reinstate your authority, so that we
may once again rule the world.
Adolphus touched his staff to Vladimir, and then put a crown on his headwhich looked
comically small compared to the rest of his body, yet all the vampires clapped.
Not much to clap about. They're just suckin' up, thought Marilyn.
Still hiding behind Vladimir, Marilyn continued observing.
Now for the best part of this ceremony, said Adolphus, we begin the royal feast!
And he clapped his hands, and from the ceiling down came something that looked like an oversized bird cage. Inside this cage was a group of people, who were screaming, and howling, and then
finally lowered down into Vladimir's huge, gaping mouth. He swallowed them whole as if they were a

light snack.
Immediately after he burped loudly, letting out a cloud of color gas. Marilyn, once again, felt
sick. But she felt even sicker when the second feeding cage was revealed. This one contained her
family: Laura, Evanna, Winston, Margaret, and Donald Lynch, altogether. There was also that girl
named Priscilla, though to be honest no one really cared about her.
Mam, dad, said Laura, I appreciate your efforts to try, and rescue us, but it really would have
been better if you all had stayed home.
I'm sorry, said Margaret. I overestimated the power of love. Also, that flamethrower I bought
off the black market. Who knew you had to fill it yourself? Thought it was like buying a lighter.
Never mind that now, said Evanna. As long as we're together, as a family, that's all that
matters.
We're not together as a family, said Donald. Marilyn is missing, and so is our cat.
Evanna sighed with a tear rolling down her cheek. Yeah, I really wish she could've been here to
die with us.
Wait, aren't you a vampire? said Laura. You can get us out by bending the bars of our cage.
True, I am a vampire, said Evanna. But I have not drank any blood as a vampire, and
therefore I do not share in their strength. But if you'd let me have some of your blood, perhaps I could
gain enough strength to bust us out of here.
Evanna licked Laura's neck. Margaret pulled her back.
No daughter of mine will be feeding on blood, said Margret. It's just not very Catholic.
Awww, said Evanna.
Hey, said Priscilla, there are other people in here. I'd appreciate it if you all kept it down
while I think of what my last words will be. She snapped her fingers. I know. How about this?
'YEEEeeeeeeeeAaaaGHHHHHHHaAHaHaAAaaaaghh!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNS!!
FIRE EVERYWHERE! SATAN! NO! No! NOOoOoOOoOOOOO!!!
Criminy, said Winston. What is the point of that exactly?
It's funny, said Priscilla. Imagine my overly religious mum thinking I died, and went to hell.
She'd go ape, I tells you.
That's not a very good prank to play on the person who gave birth to you, said Margaret.
Eh, said Priscilla, I've done worse.
Meanwhile, Marilyn was still hiding behind Vladimir, contemplating what to do. She wondered
whether that leprechaun named Shaymus was telling the truth about bagpipes. Were they really a
vampire's weakness?
Marilyn watched the cage above, with her family inside, steadily lowering towards Vladimir's
big, fat mouth. Having no more time to think, she jumped out of the shadows, and rocked the bagpipes
she was carrying.
No one eats me family! she yelled.
Then she gave a hard blow to her Scottish musical instrument, letting out a hideous sound. In an
instant the vampires dropped to their knees, and began making faces of pain. At the same time the cage
with the Lynch family in it stopped lowering down as the vampire turning the gears, same as the others,
had succumb.
It's working, said Marilyn. I can't believe it. It's working.
However, Adolphus was not so easily vanquished. He managed to stay standing, resisting the
screeches of the bagpipes. He held a strange spherical object in his hand that was silvery, and appeared
to be kept together with thick wires forming a lattice-like pattern; the top had a short neck, and a golden
dome shaped cap.
Marilyn! Margaret cried. Watch out! He has a... Erm, what is that...? It's a weird, dangerouslooking thingy!!!
Marilyn looked at Adolphus.

It is not dangerous, he said in a strained voice. It's just sleeping a sleeping bomb. I'm going
to use it on you when I have the strength to pull off the cap.
Won't it put you to sleep too? said Donald. We are in a closed room, and you're quite close to
my daughter, after all.
No, no, said Adolphus. It only works on humans. You see, we vampires have no breath.
That's why we're always killing people. We drink their blood for the oxygen content.
That's a very inefficient way to obtain oxygen, said Winston.
Hmm, I don't like it, said Evanna, but I sorta understand why you guys are murdering
douchebags now.
You guys aren't so bad, are you? said Laura.
I know you mean well, said Adolphus, but we take being called good as an insult. So, go
%^&#@*@%! yourself.
Alright, said Margaret. No need for the grawlix. We can understand without the swearing.
Anyway, Adolphus said to Marilyn, I am going to put you to sleep with my sleeping bomb.
So, please prepare yourself.
You know, said Donald, adding in his two cents, generally speaking it's better not to reveal
your plan of attack. Sorry to interrupt, I just had to add in my two cents there.
It can't be helped, said Adolphus. The bagpipes scramble our vampire brains. They make us
do silly things, like telling the truth.
That's unfortunate, said Laura. By the way, when is the last time you shat yourself?
Yesterday, said Adolphus. I thought it was going to be a fart, and then it wasn't.
Gross, said Winston. But funny.
Marilyn took a pause in playing her bagpipes.
Releasemyfamilynowandgivemebackmycat! she said quickly, and then went back to playing.
Alright, alright, said Adolphus, giving in. You win, you ugly monkey. I will do as you wish,
but please stop playing those bagpipes.
In the cage the Lynch family were hugging each other, glad they were going to be freed. Though
Priscilla was left out, since she was not a Lynch. This made her feel neglected, but then Evanna pulled
her in for their group hug. Priscilla remarked that they all smelled like potatoes.
Release the prisoners from the cage, Adolphus commanded one of his vampires.
But suddenly at that moment a loud noise was heard, like a bang, and then Beatrix Hunter, and
Domingus, riding a giant bat came crashing through the library window, entering into the throne room.
The giant bat, which had a piece of glass in its eye, flew around erratically, without aim,
tumbling through the air. When the giant bat swooped down, its wing accidentally whacked Marilyn off
her feet, rendering her unconscious.
It was a few moments before Beatrix, Domingus, and the giant bat made a clean landing. When
they did Beatrix got to her feet, and hastily faced all the vampires. In a defensive stance she took out
her sword.
Vampires, she said, prepare to be vanquished!
You fool! said Laura. You knocked my sister out cold!
I noticed that, said Beatrix, and I feel guilty, but what can I do about it now? You know, my
mother used to tell me that when life gives you
All of a sudden the giant bat screeched, and flew off.
Wait! Where're you going? Beatrix yelled at the fleeing giant bat. I hired you for a day's
work! I can pull that glass out of your eye rather painlessly! Get back here, you, you... Bah!
Priscilla! Domingus said to Priscilla. We've come to rescue you!
Yes, thank you, said Priscilla. I have to tell you something though.
What is it? said Domingus.
You took so long to get here, said Priscilla, that I moved on, and got into a new

relationship.
You what? said Domingus.
Priscilla took Winston's hand, and held it.
You serious? said Domingus. I came all the way here to rescue you, and this is how you
repay me? Oh, Gawd, now I know how Super Mario felt when he went through all those rubbish castles
fer nothing.
We can still be friends, said Priscilla.
I don't want to be friends, said Domingus.
Your loss, said Priscilla.
Winston pulled his hand away from Priscilla.
Actually, he said, I don't want to your boyfriend. I just pretended, so you'd share your food
with me. I know that was very dishonest of me, but I was really, really hungry.
Well, what luck, Priscilla told Domingus, looks like we're back together again. Wow. How
about that? What a turn of events.
Domingus scowled. Meanwhile, the vampires were slowly regaining their energy.
The bagpipes! said Donald. Get to the bagpipes!
Good thinking! said Beatrix, and she ran over to Marilyn, and took her bagpipes...then sliced
them in two with her sword.
Noooooooo! said Evanna. What did you do that for?
I was trying to help, said Beatrix. Did I not help? Did I not defeat the evil bagpipes that were
possessing her soul?
Everyone in the cage angrily shook their heads no.
Okay, so I made a mistake, said Beatrix. Don't be all irate about it. It's not like I've doomed
us all.
Chapter 34: Hadouken
I did doom us all, said Beatrix, but the important thing is my heart was in the right place.
Ye' and not your brain, said Laura.
Beatrix turned to Laura, and shook her fist.
I didn't know he had a sleeping bomb, said Beatrix. I tells you, I coulda fought off the lot of
them, if I hadn't been sent off to slumber land.
Easy now, said Margaret. Let's not spend our last minutes fighting. Let's all calm down, and
hold hands, and say a prayer.
Awww, do we have to? said Donald.
Yes, said Margaret.
And so, in their cage, being lowered towards the obese vampire's mouth, Margaret, Donald,
Laura, Marilyn, Evanna, Winston, Beatrix, Domingus, and Priscilla made a little circle, and held hands
to pray.
Dear God, said Margaret. WHY DO YOU FORSAKE US?!? DO YOU KNOW HOW
MUCH MONEY I'VE GIVEN TO CHURCH?!? THE AMOUNT IS ENOUGH TO BUY A BRAND
NEW CAR!!!
Not the prayer I was expecting, said Donald, but fair play to you, Margaret. Fair play.
Stop talking up there! said Adolphus. You're ruining the ceremony!
Adolphus took a long pole, and started poking at the cage.
I can poke for as long as I want, he said. I have the stamina of a badger.
Marilyn sighed. What an undignified way to die. It couldn't get any worse.
And then suddenly the cage she was in dropped down, and everyone inside started screaming,
but it was all over in a second when they were swallowed up by the monstrous vampire Vladimir. He

licked his lips, put his tentacles on his belly, and let out a gurgle as if satisfied.
Yummy, said Vladimir. Yummy, yummy in my tummy.
My brother, said Adolphus. I am glad you enjoyed your meal. Now, if we could just
Adolphus paused. A rumbling noise took his attention He and his vampires looked ahead, and
saw that something was happening to Vladimir. Vladimir's belly was quaking, and trembling, and
growing in size at an alarming rate.
What's going on? said Adolphus.
I don't feel so good, said Vladimir.
And then he exploded like a balloon. His body became a thousand pieces, strewn all over the
throne room, on the walls, ceiling, and floor. Fortunately, this outcome came to the benefit of those who
were swallowed up. Though quite slimy, they were all alive, and well.
There was a portal behind them, casting a beam of intense light. This portal was cast by Marilyn
with her wand while within the belly of Vladimir. It connected to the outside world, where on this
particularly warm day sunshine was in great abundance.
Adolphus, who lost his brother, collapsed on his knees, and pulled at his hair in astonishment.
But he was not hurt physically, only emotionally as he was covered in fabrics from head to toe, and
wearing sunblock formulated for gingers; however, the other vampires, who had bare faces, and hands,
and necks, were incinerated, and turned into ashes. Some though just disappeared as smoke, since they
were much less ashy.
Well done, sister, said Evanna.
Thank you, said Marilyn. It was my plan all along.
No, it wasn't, said Laura.
Must you ruin everything? said Marilyn.
Yes, yes I must, said Laura.
This is great, said Winston, but how do we get out?
Relaxamundo, said Beatrix. I am an expert at picking locks.
So, Beatrix took out a metal tool from her hair, and picked the locks of both cages, freeing all of
the prisoners, including herself.
Good job, Margaret said.
Thank you, said Beatrix.
Okay, said Donald. It's time to get out of here.
Not so fast, said Adolphus, then he threw a boomerang at Marilyn's wand.
The wand broke in two, and fell to the floor. At that instant the portal closed. The throne room
became darkened again.
Mwah-ha-ha! laughed Adolphus. Now you will never escape!
We can just walk out, said Priscilla.
Like you walked out on me? said Domingus.
Now's not the time, said Priscilla.
Hey, you guys, said Evanna, feeling the inside of her mouth. My fangs have disappeared. I'm
human again. She also looked at her skin color, which turned from very pale, back to pale. Now I can
go outside again, and not have to fear the sun for several minutes.
Excuse me, said one of the people from the other cage, but me bum is sore. Does anyone
have any rash cream?
Now's not the time for that either, said Priscilla.
Adolphus stood in front of the group, blocking their way.
I will not let you go, he said.
Stop being an arsehole, said Donald. Step aside, and tell us where the nearest exit is. Also,
who the hell uses a boomerang as an actual weapon?
I got it at a gift shop in Australia, said Adolphus. But everything is so expensive there; I had

to choose between the boomerang, or the didgeridoo.

GET OUT THE WAY! said Donald.

Adolphus scowled. You will all die! You will all die! You will all
And then Beatrix took her sword, and beheaded him. Swish! Everyone jumped back when his
noggin went rolling along the floor, and blood from his neck sprayed up everywhere (so it seemed).
God, he sounded like a broken record, said Beatrix.
It was a bit hasty to behead him, said Margaret.
To be honest, I kind of have a short temper, said Beatrix. But excuse me while I collect my
payday.
Beatrix then went around the throne room, sticking her hands in the piles of ashes, and retrieved
the gold left behind by the vampires. She stuffed her pockets full, and her satchel, and went back to the
others.
Wow, said Beatrix. I've got a lot of gold. At this rate I'll be a multimillionaire, and then
finally I'll be able to afford a small home in London.
Alright, alright, said Donald, it's time to go now. No more dillydallying. Where is the nearest
exit?
Worry not, said Beatrix, I know this place like the back of my head. Follow me, if you will.
And so Beatrix led the others, and they left the throne room, and began walking around the
castle, heading for an exit.
Well, said Evanna. That was all a bit anticlimactic.
What do you mean? said Winston.
Eh, I was sort of expecting our rescue to sorta end with a big bang, said Evanna. In books, ad
movies that's usually how it goes. Now we're just walking around this castle, so we can find a door to
leave.
You should be grateful, said Laura. I'm glad our journey is anticlimactic. I tell you, I can't
take anymore excitement. Me muscles are achin'.
Marilyn nodded.
Wait a minute, said Beatrix, what's that?
At the end of the hallway, something round, and hairy appeared. Everyone looked, and saw it
was the head of Adolphus Koychev. Adolphus Koychev laughed.
Mwah-ha-ha! he went. You thought you saw the end of me? This whole time I had you all
fooled. You thought that I was dead, didn't you? Due to a congenital condition, I am able to survive as
just a head. I'm not sure what the science is, but I'm still alive.
Don't make me come down there, and kick you like a football, said Domingus.
Adolphus snapped his teeth. Stay back! I am even more powerful than before, despite physical
appearances!
Everyone laughed.
Stop laughing at me! said Adolphus. I'm warning you!
But no one listened. The idea of a talking head was so comical to them that they could not
control themselves, and then Adolphus snapped, and used a mobile phone app to trigger the demise of
his castle.
Now they all stopped laughing.
What have you done? said Winston.
The entire castle was shaking as if it were caught in an earthquake.
I'm sending us on a one way trip to outer space, said Adolphus, now all of you will die.
That's what you said last time, said Donald.
No, last time, I said, 'You will all die!' said Adolphus. Similar, but not quite the same.
Touche, said Donald.

We're going to outer space? said Margaret.

Oooh, I've always wanted to go to outer space, said Evanna.
He said it was a one way trip, said Marilyn.
Oh, in the case, I retract my statement, said Evanna.
Why the bloody hell are we all standing around here? said Laura. Let's go!
You will never escape! said Adolphus. Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! It has already begun!
After punting Adolphus' head, Beatrix proceeded to lead the group through the castle at running
speed. Donald and Margaret were having a difficult time keeping up.
I've never been so tired in my entire life, said Donald.
Keep up, said Margaret. We're almost there.
We're not really, said Beatrix, but that's a good attitude to have.
Amidst this pandemonium, said Evanna, I've learned a life lesson: Do not laugh at people if
they ask you not to.
Also, said Laura, life sucks, everything is difficult, and you'll probably wind up dead before
you know it.
You're all rather negative, said a man in the group, who did not share his name. How about
looking on the bright side of things?
Everyone shut yer gobs, said Beatrix. I'm trying to think.
About what? said Domingus.
You know, stuff, said Beatrix.
Stuff, eh? said Priscilla.
Yes, said Beatrix. Oh Gawrd! Turn here!
Everyone took a sharp turn, went down a hallway, and then found themselves at the grand,
grand, grand staircase. Avoiding falling debris, they ran down it, and made a beeline for the hole in the
wall. They sprinted through, and ran ahead as fast as they could.
They got outside. The group stopped to catch their breaths.
No, said Beatrix, keep on going!
More running? said Donald.
Don't be so lazy, said Margaret. Exercise is good for you.
Right, said Beatrix, and she ran ahead, with the others following behind.
They kept going, and going, until they reached the other side, and then finally they stopped by a
grouping of trees. With enough distance from the castle, five football fields worth, they stepped back,
and watched what would happen to the ancient stone structure (aka the vampire's castle).
Holy shmoly, said Evanna. It's happerning.
The castle lifted off like a rocket, tearing away from its base, and went up, up, up into the sky. It
really looked as if it would go off into outer spacebut ta few seconds later, it spun out of control,
turned nose down, and crashed straight into the ground. The Earth went ba-boom! and everyone
watching was knocked onto their arses.
Though they quickly got back up.
That was really cool, said Winston. Much better than the time dad filled that dead raccoon
with firecrackers.
Don't remind me, said Margaret. I can still taste the raccoon in my mouth.
Strangely, it did not taste like chicken, said Donald.
Alright, well now, said Beatrix, stepping away from the group. I best be on my way now. My
job here is done.
You're really leaving so soon? said Evanna.
Yes, Miss Evy Lynch, said Beatrix. I am a lone wolf, and I thrive on solitude. I must be off
to chase my next adventure. My only regret is not being able to save everyone. It was a shame I
couldn't rescue your cat, and that that giant bat flew away. Out of all the bats I met, he was the very

best. It's like my mother used to tell me: 'If a good bat flies into your life, hang on, and never let go,
'cause they seldom come by.' Boy, was she right.
Then out of the sky, the giant bat descended, and landed beside Beatrix.
Mister Giant Bat! said Beatrix. You've come back! Well now, you are a loyal one, aren't
you? Beatrix hopped onto the back of the giant bat, and waved to the others. I will miss you all, but
never forget that though life ain't easy, it's very rare that's it's cheesy.
And with that, Beatrix, and the giant bat went up into the air, and began flying away.
Goodbye! said Evanna. We'll miss you!
Don't worry, said Beatrix, you can always visit my home in Newfoundland, or hit me up
online. I'm on all the social media websites. First name: Beatrix. Last name: Hunter. It's very easy to
remember... So, goodbye, y'all! Goodbye! Yee-haw!
After Beatrix disappeared, Winston looked at Marilyn. What does 'yee-haw' mean?
It's what cowboys say to express joy and/or enthusiasm, said Marilyn.
Well, you learn something new everyday, don't you? said Winston.
That you do, said Marilyn. That you do.
Ay Caramba, said Donald, holding his head as if he had a headache. What an adventure
we've been through. But we can all finally go home now.
So, Priscilla, Domingus, and the other former captives said their farewells to the Lynches, and
Margaret, Donald, Evanna, Marilyn, Winston, and Laura all started walking down the road the opposite
way.
Laura glanced back.
Aren't you guys going to leave too? she said.
Not yet, said Priscilla. I've just made a call on my mobile. It's very important.
How's that? said Laura.
Don't judge us, said Domingus, we're waiting for a news team to arrive to document this
incident. I know it's rather vain, but I've always wanted to be on the tele.
And so the Lynch family reversed their steps, and joined the others, and waited for a news team
to arrive. The news team did arrive an hour later, and gave everyone an interview, but Evanna got most
of the attention, because she was crying, and producers love tears for the dramatic effect.
THE END
A Must Read Epilogue
The Lynch family returned to Ireland. After settling in they found they had a bit of local fame. Any
time they would go out one or two people say, Why, why, why it's the vampire hunting family...! and
then ask for a photograph. The Lynches were more than happy to do so, especially considering that
they were using their celebrity status to benefit financially.
First were Margaret, and Evanna, who took to selling religious themed pies, purported to ward
off evil. Then there was Donald, carrying on in the same theme, who invented a self-defense torch to
scare away vampires with UV light.
Laura and Winston, meanwhile, created a line of vampire themed merchandise, selling t-shirts,
mugs, various souvenirs, and organic holy water.
For which a customer would say: Bloody hell! The mark up on this organic holy water is
outrageous!
Winston would reply: You are paying for the quality, sir. This holy water is all natural, locally
made by Father Morose himself, and has no added artificial colors, flavorings, and/or fillers.
Mmm, I dunno, the customer would usually respond.
Then Laura would add: Buy something or get out!

The customer would exclaim: This is a kiosk!

And then an argument would ensue.
Marilyn, however, preferred a much quieter living. To pay homage to her vampire adventure she
wrote a book entitled Vampire Weekend. Later she found out it was the name of a rock band, and had
to change the title to Confessions of a Vampire Slayer.
Shortly after, the rights for the book was picked up by a movie studio. When the Lynches
volunteered to play themselves the director told them that they just didn't have the right look.
Yet amidst this fortune, the Lynch family were still not fulfilled, and the absence of their
beloved cat named Kit Kat had put a deep hole in all of their hearts.
Termonfeckin, Evanna lamented, will never be the same... Actually, it's not that much
different to be honest, but enough that I've noticed.
Worry not, my daughter, said Margaret. When God closes a door, he leaves open a window.
Sometimes that window is on the second or third floor, though it's still there, and you can use it, if you
really, really want to.
Have any of you checked the attic? said Donald.
I checked eleven times, said Winston. The only thing up there was old clothes, a black and
white television, a book on how to become a millionaire through real estate, and a half eaten bag of
expired Tayto crisps.
Did you save the Tayto crisps? said Donald.
Erm, no, said Winston. I threw them out.
How wasteful, said Donald.
Wait, who was eating crisps in the attic? said Marilyn.
Margaret frowned. Remember that time I told everyone I was going on a diet?
No, said Laura.
Well, said Margaret, I did not follow through on that. In the middle of the night, I would
steal your dad's Tayto crisps, take them to the attic, and eat them up in secret like a little rat. Then when
I was finished, I would take the empty Tatyo bag, and fill it with Walkers. He never knew the
difference.
I too knew the difference, said Donald. I would eat them, and go, 'Something about these is
not right.' But then you convinced me I was just being paranoid. AH-HA! I knew it, Margaret! I knew
you were pulling the wool over me eyes! You fallacious woman!
I'm sorry for pulling the ol' switcheroo on you, said Margaret. Will you ever forgive me?
Of course, said Donald. It isn't that big of a deal.
Thank you, said Margaret. You are a kind, and fair man. I shall always love you, even if you
become an evil dictator, who tries to take over the world.
How grand of you, said Donald.
Donald then stroked Margaret's gingery hair.
But Evanna yelled with a cry, I thought we were having this family meeting to find our cat! I
don't care about your stable, yet strange, loving relationship!
On this outburst, Donald put a corncob pipe in his mouth, and placed a Sherlock Holmes style
hat on his head.
Worry not, my cockamamie daughter, he said, patting her head. Detective Da' is on the job.
Not only will I find our beloved Kit Kat, but I will get to the bottom about where our missing socks
have gone. You can believe that, children.
Alright, and how we supposed to help? said Marilyn.
Other than your mother, who will feed me on my journey, said Donald, no help is needed. I
shall crack this case wide open on my own like a walnut. Allow me to demonstrate...
Donald took a walnut out of his pocket, and tried cracking it to no avail.
Never mind the walnut, said Donald. It's not important. What's important is I will find our

cat.
Hm, you sure about that? said Laura.
Quite sure, said Donald.
Really? said Winston.
Yes, said Donald. I know your da' might appear old to you, but his brain is as sharp as a
lettuce knife. Now, my little spawns, good day to you all.
And then Donald waved off his children, took Margaret by the hand, and together they went to
the car outside, whose bumper was kept on with cellotape.
Donald opened for the door Margaret, then went around, and got into the passenger's side.
You won't be driving? said Margaret.
I must use my whole brain for sleuthing, said Donald. I've no time to do something frivolous
like driving. Now, mush, m'lady, mush!
I don't like being told to mush, said Margaret.
Alright them, said Donald. Let's just go.
Where? said Margaret.
Drive ahead, said Donald, and I shall inform you.
So, Margaret started up the car, and began driving on their street.
Margaret, said Donald, please take us to 45 Shamrock Road. Do you know where that is?
Of course, said Margaret. It's where Grandma Lynch beat up that mugger, and when he was
arrested they found out he was plotting to blow up the Braveheart statue. Understandably, people had
mixed feelings about that particular criminal going off to jail. I, for one, was relieved. Really, that
statue wasn't that bad. Was it?
When I first saw it, said Donald, I went blind. Then as it turned out, a seagull had actually
snatched the spectacles off me face, and flown away with them.
I didn't know you wore spectacles, said Margaret.
There's a lot of things you don't know about me, said Donald.
Why aren't you wearing them now? said Margaret.
I don't want people to think I'm a nerd, said Donald.
How will you see properly then? said Margaret.
If I really need to see something, said Donald, I'll just go up close to it, and squint.
Erm, okay, said Margaret. So, why are we headed to Shamrock Road again?
Can you keep a secret? said Donald.
No, said Margaret. No, I cannot.
Bah, said Donald, I'll tell you anyway. Alright, listen. The reason why I haven't invited the
kids along is because our cat, I believe, is under great distress. If the kids knew what was happening
they would get too worried, and cry. Well, not all of them would cry. One of them would cry. I won't
say who, Margaret. I'm not a snitch.
Further explanation is required, said Margaret.
Donald showed Margaret a photograph of Kit Kat with someone holding a gun to his head.
What, what, what is that?! said Margaret.
It's a ransom note, said Donald.
Donald flipped around the photo, showing writing on the back.
Omigoodness, said Margaret. What does it say?
Donald read the writing on the back of the photo: Dear Mister and Missus Lynch, by some
great fortune, and scouring the black market, I have found your beloved cat. If you would like him back
in one piece, please come to 45 Shamrock Road, with one million unmarked Euros in a black, leather
briefcase.
We don't have that kind of money, said Margaret. Who does he think we are? Patent
lawyers?

Relax, said Donald. I have a plan. I'm going to ring the doorbell of the house, and then when
the kidnapper comes out, I am going to strike him in the knees with a cricket bat.
What comes after that? said Margaret.
I don't know, said Donald. Do you know how to strangle a man?
I can try, said Margaret, but I haven't done it in years.
Good enough, said Donald.
So, said Margaret, am I right to assume you have a black, leather briefcase?
Donald nodded. The briefcase is in the boot of the car, along with one cricket bat.
What's in the briefcase, said Margaret, if not money?
Books, said Donald, for the greatest treasure in the world is knowledge.
What sort of books? said Margaret.
Mostly The Da Vinci Code, said Donald, and some Twilight. I found them in a dumpster.
If the kidnapper finds out what you're giving him, said Margaret, he's going to be really
angry. Also, why were you in a dumpster?
Well, firstly, said Donald, the books are there just for the weight. I don't intend on him
opening it up. Secondly, I fell into the dumpster while looking at clouds. I didn't do it intentionally.
What sort of clouds did you see? said Margaret.
One looked like a hot dog, said Donald, and, most notably, one looked like you. Or Margaret
Thatcher. I could not decide.
Well, that's flattering, said Margaret. Thank you very much.
You're welcome, said Donald.
I was being sarcastic, said Margaret.
So was I, said Donald. Therefore we have canceled each other out.
Sure, said Margaret. By the way, I think we've arrived at Shamrock Road. Can you see the
sign?
Of course, said Donald. He leaned his head forward, and squinted. Yup. Clear as day.
Shamrock Road. Pull 'er in.
Will do, said Margaret.
And Margaret drove their car onto Shamrock Road, and then she and Donald went to the house
marked number 45. House 45 looked old, and weathered. The boards on the outside had white peeling
paint, and the steps leading to the door were cracked. The windows were dirty as well, and there was a
plastic sheet covering a hole where a window should have been.
Here we are, said Margaret, parking the car. Is there anything else I should know about this
debacle?
Remember, said Donald. Be cool.
How do I be cool? said Margaret.
You know who Johnny Depp is? said Donald.
Oh, said Margaret. Is he that boy who climbed onto the roof of the church, and then took off
his clothes, and shouted, 'Naked for Jesus!' ?
Erm, never mind, said Donald. Just be yourself.
I'm always myself, said Margaret. Never been a day where I wasn't myself.
Makes sense, said Donald.
And Donald, and Margaret stepped outside. They went into the boot of their car, and retrieved
one cricket bat, and one black leather briefcase. Donald held the bat, while Margaret handled the
briefcase. The two then went up to the steps of the house, and went up to the door. They gave it a firm
knock.
A moment later the door opened, just a crack, and a white eyeball peeped out.
Top of the mornin' to yah, said Donald. We're here about our cat.
Give us our cat, said Margaret, or we'll break your legs with our cricket bat.

Donald turned his head sharply towards Margaret, and then back to the eyeball.
Ah-ha-ha, she was just joking, said Donald. This one's got a dark sense of humor. I'm only
carrying around a cricket bat around because I just came back from a match. It was a good one. I got
the ball into the net several times.
The eyeball looked down at the briefcase. Is that my money?
Oh, yes, indeed, said Donald. One million euros, no?
Open it up, said the eyeball, so I can see what's inside.
What? said Donald. No, no, no. First you pick it up by the handle, and then you feel the
weight, and you can confirm that there's money inside without looking. This is how it usually works,
don't you know?
You don't have the money, do you? said the eyeball.
Do you even have our cat? said Donald.
I do have your cat, said the eyeball, and I have a loaded gun as well. Got it from America, no
less.
Suddenly an arm extended out, and pointed a gun to Donald's forehead. Margaret, who was
frightened, dropped the briefcase in her hand, spilling out all of its books.
Easy now, said Donald, trying not to shake. I don't have the money you want, but I can give
you other things. Do you like poorly written novels?
No, no, thank you, said the arm, and eyeball. I've already read those. They're not very good.
Well, fine, said Donald. What else would you take in exchange for our cat?
Hmm, went the arm, and eyeball, thinking aloud. How open minded are you?
Very open minded, said Donald. In fact, my children say my mind is like a sieve, because I
let it all in, you know.
Alright, said the arm, and eyeball, in exchange for your cat, what do you think of letting me
have one night with your wife?
Excuse me? said Margaret.
Well, said Donald to the arm, and eyeball, what do you intend on doing with my wife during
this one night?
This shouldn't be a discussion, said Margaret.
Mostly cooking, and cleaning, said the arm, and eyeball.
That doesn't sound too bad, said Donald.
And, oh, said the arm, and eyeball, I want her to rub my cock.
You what? said Margaret.
Yeah, said the arm, and eyeball, I keep a variety of animals, and fowl in my garden. My
cock's not been feeling so well lately. I need someone to take care of him, and massage him for a while.
I'd do it myself, but my hand is a bit cramped.
Donald looked at Margaret, seeking her approval. Margaret shook her head no.
Sorry, Donald said to the arm, and eyeball. I'm afraid my wife is a bit too frigid for this.
You'll have to pick something else.
I'm done playing these games, said the arm, and eyeball, please, bring yourselves into my
home.
Why? said Donald.
The arm, and eyeball placed its gun onto Donald's nose. Just do it!
Not having a choice, Donald, and Margaret went into the arm, and eyeball's house. As soon as
they stepped inside they took note of the rest of this aggressive character. His name as it turned out was
actually Roricus Fitch, and he was a 7 foot tall, man-spider; he looked like a human, but had 4 arms,
and 4 legs, totaling eight limbs.
Roricus shut the door.
What are you? said Donald.

Name's Roricus Fitch, said Roricus, and I am the only man-spider in the world.
How did you get all those limbs? said Margaret.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider, said Roricus. And then after that I became inspired to
get surgery, so I could look like a spider.
Wow, said Donald. Just wow.
Now, if you could, said Roricus, please, come into my chambers.
Roricus led Donald and Margaret into his living room, where there was a stinky looking brown
sofa.
Please, have a seat, said Roricus. Wait. No, no. Please, sit down. That makes much more
sense.
What do you want with us? said Margaret. And how come you keep using the word 'please'
when you're keeping us here by force?
No matter the situation, said Roricus, I never lose my sense of decorum. Now, please have a
seat.
I don't trust you, said Donald. There's something wrong with the sofa, isn't there?
No, said Roricus.
Well, good enough for me, said Donald, and he sat on the sofa.
Margaret seeing it was okay, decided to sit as well. But when she did a powerful spring
propelled all the sofa cushions upward, and she, and Donald were thrown into the air, at an angle, and
landed on a sticky web on the wall, where they were trapped.
Mwah-ha-ha! Roricus laughed. I have tricked the both of you. Now you are caught in my
spider's web. It's quite clever, innit? The spring in the sofa only activates when two or more people are
sat on it. So, one person sits down, and the second person thinks its safe, and does the same, and then
boom, two flies with one stone.
Generally speaking, said Donald, people are not suspicious of sofas.
Also, said Margaret, you have a gun. You could've just coerced us into sticking ourselves
onto your web.
Ah, yes, said Roricus, but my gun does have its limitations. You see, it does not shoot
bullets. Rather it shoots, erm, nothing. It's just a plastic toy.
I can't believe it, said Donald. I soiled myself for nothing. I mean, no, I didn't soil myself.
Why would I do that?
Exqueeze me, said Roricus. I must be going now. I have to take an important bubble bath.
And Roricus began walking away. Margaret yelled at him, Give us back our damned cat! But
he was soon out of sight.
Hey, said Donald, turning his head to Margaret. LOL. Lookit me; I'm surfin' the web!
Tee-hee, said Margaret. Even during times of trouble you always know how to make me
laugh.
Thank you, my dear, said Donald. You are too kind.
So, anyway, said Margaret, do you think that spider man is going to eat us?
Spiderman? said Donald. Never. He's a superhero.
Not the comic book hero, said Margaret, I mean that thing that put us in this web.
Unfortunately, said Donald. I believe he is going to try. But don't fear, we can escape.
How? said Margaret.
Only our clothes are stuck to the web, said Donald. If we slip out our clothes, we can
escape.
But then we'll be butt-naked, said Margret.
So what? said Donald.
I'm not going around butt-naked, said Margaret. Even if I risk dying.
Ah, fine, said Donald. You stay here, I'll get butt-naked, and then fight the spider guy.

Are you sure you can handle him? said Margaret.

I'm in good shape, said Donald. I once watched a marathon.
You mean you ran a marathon? said Margaret.
Watched, ran, does it make any difference? said Donald, then he began squirming out of his
clothes. After one minute of looking quite silly he popped out his shirt, and trousers, and was freed. He
found himself only in an undershirt, and boxer shorts.
Success, said Margaret. Now, if only I could come with you, that would be nice.
Margaret, said Donald, it would be, but you're simply not willing to give up your dignity to
save your lifeand that, my dear, is why I married you.
Wait a minute, said Margaret. I've just remembered, I'm wearing two sets of clothing.
Why? said Donald.
Clothes you buy these day don't give you enough fabric, said Margaret. You need to double
up to stay warm, and cover all your skin. It's outrageous, I tells you: full price for 50% of a shirt!
Modern fashion is the world's greatest scam, said Donald. That and democracy.
Alright, would you help me down now? said Margaret.
So, Donald helped Margaret down from the web, and she was freed as well.
Alright, said Margaret, what is our plan of attack?
Since you're free, said Donald, we can split up. You look for Kit Kat, and I'll fight the spider
freak, okay?
Splitting up, said Margaret. Sounds like a bad idea. Don't people usually die when they split
up?
Okay, okay, said Donald. We'll go off together, and fight the spider guy.
Why do we have to fight him? said Margaret. Don't we just want our cat back?
Right! said Donald. New plan. We find Kit Kat, and then get the eff out of here.
Where do we begin? said Margaret.
Wait, said Donald. We might bump into the spider person, depending on how long his
bubble bath is. Do you have any weapons, so that we can defend ourselves?
Margaret went to her trousers stuck on the web, and retrieved her car keys from its pocket.
Ah, here we go, she said, I can put them between my fingers, and poke 'im in the eye.
What about me? said Donald.
I've got more than one key, said Margaret.
Yes, but how do you detach it? said Donald. That's the question. It's impossible.
Donald looked around the dank living room, and spotted a thick glass filled with a yellow
colored drink. He picked it up, and showed Margaret.
That's going to work, is it? said Margaret.
I can throw the liquid in the spidered man's face, and use the glass to smash him up, said
Donald. He won't see it coming.
Fine, good enough for me, said Margaret. Now, let's go already.
So, Donald, and Margaret went looking about Roricus' home. First, they searched in the kitchen.
There they found a big bag of kitty food.
Meow Mix, said Margaret.
There's definitely a cat in the house, said Donald, or the man spider is poor, and eating food
meant for animals.
So the cat isn't here, said Margaret. We ought to head to the basement.
The basement? said Donald. That's definitely where we'll die.
But Kit Kat might be there, said Margaret.
Fine, said Donald. I'll do it for the cat. I will brave into a stranger's basement to find the little
fur-ball.
Following that statement, Margaret, and Donald left for the basement. They opened a door, and

went down some creaky steps. It was dark, moist, and there was strong scent of rice wine.
What an odd smell, said Margaret. It reminds me of the time I used to play Mahjong with
those lovely old Chinese ladies. They were quite a nice bunch, but were always talking in their own
language. Though I sort of knew what they were saying, because I studied French in school.
I studied French as well, said Donald.
Oh? said Margaret. He-he. Do you know 'Je t'aime'?
Donald looked at his watch. It's a quarter to three.
Never mind, said Margaret.
When Donald, and Margaret reached the bottom of the stairs they discovered that the manspider Roricus was an avid collector of insects. The entire basement was filled with terrariums that
were filled with ants, flies, cockroaches, crickets, and the like.
Disgusting, said Donald. Absolutely disgusting. The carpet pattern is orange and red stripes.
Looks like a circus, it does.
That's everything, is it? said Margaret.
Oh, and all the bugs, said Donald, yuck!
I see there's no spiders here though, said Margaret.
Look, said Donald, while squinting. What's that?
Donald, and Margaret went over to the centipede terrarium. In the middle of it was a golden
key. The golden key had a tag attached to it which read master key.
That sounds useful, said Margaret.
Who's going to reach in and get it? said Donald.
You're a man, said Margaret. You do it.
What's my gender got to do with anything? said Donald. If anything it should be you. You
have slender hands, which can slip in, and slip out. Plus, I'm really, really, really, really, really, really,
really, really, really afraid of centipedes. They're like spiders times 12.5.
Margaret sighed, and rolled up her sleeves.
Are you sure about this? said Donald.
Will you be volunteering? said Margaret.
Donald said nothing, and took a step back. Margaret sighed, again, and then put her finger on
the lid of the terrarium, where they centipedes were kept. Then quickly, with her eyes half closed, she
slipped her hand in, and grabbed the key.
The centipedes were alerted. They flooded out of their terrarium, and at a rapid speed crawled
all over Margaret, who along with Donald, started screaming.
Get them off! Get them off! said Margaret.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Donald shrieked.
Margaret, not receiving any help from her petrified husband, dropped to the floor, and rolled
around. After a time that seemed too long all of the centipedes on Margaret were squished. Finally,
Donald composed himself, and calmed down.
Goodness me, said Donald. I thought you were a goner.
No thanks to you, said Margaret.
Now, now, don't be bitter, said Donald. I wanted to help you, but I found myself unable to
move my limbs. You can't blame me for that, can you?
No, said Margaret. No, I can't.
Hey, well, said Donald, I see you got the master key. Now we can use it to rob this place
blind. We'll return at night while the spidery man is asleep.
That's not what this is for, said Margaret.
Donald frowned. Awww...
Margaret put the master key into her pocket. We best be getting upstairs. I don't think Kit Kat
is here.

So, Donald, and Margaret left the basement. They then went upstairs to the second floor of the
house, and entered the hallway. There were four doors to be searched.
Which one first? said Donald.
I'll put my ear against the doors, and see what I can hear, said Margaret.
Don't you mean listen what you can hear? said Donald.
Now's not the time for an English debate, said Margaret, and she put her ear against the first
door. As soon as she did, she jumped back on hearing a blood curdling scream that went:
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SCABBA DAP BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Well? said Donald.
This is not the door for us, said Margaret.
Donald and Margaret went over to door #2.
Let me try, said Donald, and he put his ear on the second door.
A woman with a hoarse voice was heard going: Aaaah, aaaah, ooooooooooh! Daddy! Daddy!
Big daddy! I'm a naughty, little girl, aren't I?!
What do you hear? said Margaret.
A child is being severely punished by her father, said Donald. For what, I don't know. Maybe
she spoiled her supper?
But no cat? said Margaret.
Not that I know of, said Donald.
Margaret, and Donald went to the third door. This time with Margaret listening. She put her ear
to the door, and heard the voice of Roricus, singing, having his bubble bath.
The spider thing is having a bubble bath, Margaret whispered. I can hear him singing.
What's he singing? said Donald.
Singin' in the Rain, said Margaret.
How ironic, said Donald.
How's it ironic? said Margaret.
You know the answer to that, said Donald. I don't have to tell you.
Moving on, said Margaret.
Donald, and Margaret went to door #4, the last door in the hallway.
This is it, said Margaret. If Kit Kat's not in here, he's probably not here at all.
Fingers crossed, said Donald, and he put his ear against the door.
What do you hear? said Margaret.
Nothing, said Donald.
Why are we even listening? said Margaret. Let's just go in.
Margaret grabbed the doorknob, and tried turning it, but it would not turn.
Use the master key, said Donald, remembering that Margaret had the master key in her
pocket.
Alright, said Margaret, and she retrieved the master key, and used it on the door.
Success. The door was unlocked. Carefully, Donald, and Margaret went into the room. They
crept in, and looked around. It was somewhat dim as the curtains were closed.
Kit Kat? Margaret whispered. Are you in here? Come on, an' I'll give you a treat.
Don't be an arsehole, said Donald. We've come to rescue you.
If you call him names, said Margaret, he won't come out.
I'm sorry, Kit Kat, said Donald. My callousness was uncalled for. Will you ever forgive me?
No answer. Margaret, and Donald went ahead, searched around, looking around the bed, and
even behind the curtains. There were no felines it seemed. But then Margaret's ears perked up when she
heard a noise coming from the closet.
Do you hear that? said Margaret.
I do, said Donald.

Could it be? said Margaret.

We can only find out, said Donald.
Donald, and Margaret went to the closet, and opened its door. The moment they did a cat-sized
rat sprang out.
Whew, said the rat. I was trapped in there for ages. Thank you very much for freeing me.
The rat then bit Donald on the leg, and ran off.
Wow, said Margaret. What an ingrate.
Donald screamed, and shook his fist. You bloody rat! If I ever see you again, I'm gonna feed
you to my cat!
First, said Margaret, we have to find our cat.
Donald slumped his shoulders, and let out a deep breath.
Right, he said.
And he, and Margaret then went back into the second floor hallway. As soon as they did,
Roricus appeared in a towel, having just come out of his bubble bath. In two of his four arms he was
holding Kit Kat.
Oy! said Roricus. What are you two doing off your web?
Kit Kat! said Margaret.
Kit Kat? said Roricus. Hmph! His name is Mittens. Mittens the Kitten.
That's a really cliched name, aid Donald.
Shut up! said Roricus. Who are you? The grand master of English?
That's it, said Donald. I am going to destroy you!
MwaHAAHAHaHahaaha! Roricus laughed. With what? That glass in your hand? You
stupid, silly, fat, smelly, old, Irish man! You cannot defeat me! I am a spider! I am the second most
powerful animal in the animal kingdom!
What's the first? said Margaret.
Is it man? said Donald.
What? No, said Roricus. It's turtles.
Turtles? said Margaret.
Yeah, said Roricus. They can swim, and walk on land. Plus, they're always wearing armor.
That's like a triple threat. God help me, if I ever stir up the wrath of a turtle... By the way, is that my
glass you're holding?
Alright, said Donald, getting irritated. I've had enough of this talk. It's go time!
Go time? said Margaret. What is that?
Donald yelled his war cry, and flung the liquid in his glass at Roricus. The perfect shot it hit the
man spider right in his face. He screamed as if he had been attacked with sulfuric acid.
Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Roricus screamed. It's in my eyes!
Relax, said Donald. It's just apple juice.
It's not apple juice, said Roricus. It's my urine...!
You what? said Margaret.
I was lying down, and was too lazy to go to the toilet, said Roricus, so I went in that glass.
Yuck, said Margaret.
I know, said Roricus. It's awful.
Well, it's about to get a lot more awful, said Donald, and he threw his empty glass at Roricus'
face; immediately, after Margaret charged, and jabbed him in the eye with her key.
As Roricus cried Woe, the humanity! Donald grabbed Kit Kit, and then with Margaret ran
downstairs, and headed out the front door. They jumped into their car, and peeled off the driveway.
They drove down the road as fast as the law would allow.
You ought to drive a bit faster, said Donald.
I can't break the law, said Margaret. We've a very good driving record. If we get in an

accident our insurance costs will go through the roof. Anyway, the slowest car can outpace any human,
or, um, spider.
Good point, said Donald.
Donald stroked the fur on Kit Kat's head.
You know, said Margaret, steering around a bend, I'm not sure why everyone wants to have
our cat. This is his fifth kidnapping.
Margaret, said Donald, again stroking Kit Kat's fur, when you're this beautiful the question
isn't who wants you, the question is, 'Who doesn't want you?'
Margaret sighed. Looks isn't everything, my dear.
You're right, said Donald, but Kit Kat's got a really good personality, which makes him even
more attractive. Remember that time our house caught fire? Kit Kat went up to Evanna's room, and bit
her nose to wake her up... Ha! We all had a good laugh, didn't we?
Margaret didn't reply.
My dear, said Donald. Why aren't you saying anything? Have I done something to upset
you?
Look in the rear view mirror, said Margaret.
Donald looked in the rear view mirror, and saw Roricus following them on a scooter. He was
steadily creeping up on them.
Oh no! Donald gasped. He's gaining on us!
Hold onto your hat, said Margaret. I'm going to cut him loose.
And Margaret stepped on the gas pedal of the car, doubling its speed to a whopping 60
kilometers per hour. But it was not fast enough. Roricus caught up to the car, and, on Donald's side,
was trying to reach in through the open window.
Oh, no, said Donald. OH, NO! He's trying to kidnap Kit Kat! Can't you make this thing go
any faster?
I could do that, said Margaret, but I feel that it would endanger other people, especially
considering we're on a residential. Can't you wind up the window?
It's really stuffy in here, said Donald.
Honestly? said Margaret.
Alright, said Donald. I'll wind up the window.
Good, said Margaret.
So, Donald wound up his window. It seemed to do that job, that is until Roricus took out a
hammer, and started smashing the glass.
He's found a way to penetrate the window, Donald gasped. You'll have to go faster, my dear,
and risk the chance of running over an innocent pedestrian.
Oh, alright, said Margaret, and she accelerated their car.
Yet again it was not fast enough. Roricus's's' scooter was having no trouble keeping the same
pace.
There, are you happy? said Margaret. He's still here, except now we're going at a dangerous
speed.
Slow down then, said Donald.
I can't do that now, said Margaret, he's going to think we wussed out.
Hold on, said Donald. He squinted, looking ahead. Is that what I think it is? It is!
What now? said Margaret.
It's an unfinished bridge, with a ramp leading to the other side, said Donald.
Say no more, said Margaret, and she sped their car up to maximum speed, and went towards
the incomplete bridge, and drove over the ramp.
Donald and Margaret went sailing through the air. Donald braced himself as he shrieked, and
heard an electric guitar doing a dive bomb in his head.

Why did you drive the car over the ramp?! said Donald with eyes closed.
I don't know! Margaret said. I thought that's what you wanted!
I was just pointing it out! said Donald.
Too late now! said Margaret.
Then their car, by some miracle, crossed over the gap, and landed on the other side of the
bridge. Touching down its back bumper hit the asphalt, and spun around several times, only stopping
when Margaret put on the brakes.
Donald rubbed his head, and looked at Margaret.
You crazy monkey! he said.
We made it, didn't we? said Margaret.
True, said Donald, but I'm am feeling quite ill now. Excuse me. I must medicate.
Donald went into the glove compartment of the car, and took out some mints to eat.
Minty, he was heard saying.
Oh, no, said Margaret, looking back at the unfinished bridge, he's still coming for us.
Roricus sped his scooter over the ramp, hopped the bridge, and then crash landed, head first into
the pavement. His scooter accelerated ahead of him, and spun off down the road. It was a bloody mess,
it was.
Holy crap, said Margaret.
Donald stuck his head the car window.
My goodness, he said. What luck!
What luck? said Margaret. He died. We weren't trying to kill him.
No, we weren't, said Donald, but let's count our blessings here. It was in God's will for him
to die in the most gruesome manner possible.
Really now? said Margaret.
Well, said Donald, the God that's from the Old Testament, anyway. Boy, he loved killing
people.
I'm concerned about the man spider's health, said Margaret. Go, and check on him.
Me? said Donald. Awwww, man.
Do it! said Margaret.
Okay, said Donald, but not because you told me, but because I'm a compassionate, loving
man.
After Donald handed Kit Kat to Margaret, he went outside to check on Roricus in his grizzly
condition. Donald, using his toe, poked him in the head several times. Roricus did not seem to be
conscious.
I think he's dead, said Donald.
Are you sure? said Margaret. Check for a pulse.
So, Donald bent down, and moved his hand towards Roricus. As he did Roricus suddenly
sprang to life, and grabbed Donald.
I will return as a butterfly! said Roricus, then he dropped back down unconscious.
Donald, unscathed, went back to Margaret.
Well? said Margaret.
He told me he'd come back as a butterfly, said Donald.
That's nonsense, said Margaret.
Is it? said Donald. IS IT?!
He bit on his fingernails.
Donald, and Margaret drove home with Kit Kat. When they went through the front door the whole
familyLaura, Marilyn, Evanna, Winston, and the unnamed goldfishwere there eagerly waiting for
them. They erupted with joy, and surprise, seeing that their parents had brought home their beloved

feline.
Ma! Pa! said Evanna. You've rescued Kit Kat!
She scooped up Kit Kat into her arms, and held him like a baby.
Wow-ow-ow! Laura exclaimed. I can't believe you two pulled it off!
We all thought you guys died, said Marilyn.
I never thought that, said Winston.
Oh yeah? said Marilyn.
Yeah, said Winston.
Please, said Margaret. Let's not talk about death now, hm?
Yes, it's time for a celebration, said Donald. We are all reunited as a family.
What shall we do to celebrate? said Evanna. Buy, and drink high quality soy milk?
What? Why would we do that? said Laura.
I'm a vegetarian, said Evanna.
Look, how's about we go to a restaurant? said Donald. Does anyone know a good restaurant
to eat at?
How about the Rib Shack? said Margaret.
But that's meat, said Evanna.
Mmm, sounds good, said Winston. But I'd prefer to go to Burger Town.
Again, said Evanna, meat.
You heard of Meatza Hut? said Laura. Oh, God. Their meat dishes are to die for.
I don't want to eat meat, said Evanna.
Ooooh, said Marilyn. I have some coupons for The Slaughter House. It's a 2 for 1 special on
something called Turducken. It's a chicken inside a duck, which is inside a turkey, and it's slow roasted,
and seasoned with 5 different herbs.
But what about me? said Evanna. I can't eat that.
My mouth is already watering, said Donald. Just thinking about all that meat, ohmergard.
Can't we eat vegetarian food? said Evanna. Who here likes cucumber salad? Anyone?
...Anyone?
So, it's settled, said Donald. We'll go to this slaughterhouse restaurant, and get some food.
Alright, everyone, get dressed up, and we'll head on out.
But that's an all meat restaurant, said Evanna. Meat! I don't eat meat! It's immoral!
Yet in spite of this protest, the rest of the Lynch family, and Kit Kat were intent on going to this
meat-centric restaurant. It was not long before the blonde one began crying. There were so many tears
that the floor became wet, and a puddle was formed. Donald, who thought now was a good time to
walk around, slipped on this puddle, and hurt his back. Following this tragedy, the celebration at the
restaurant was canceled. Evanna apologized, but said she was glad they wouldn't be going out to eat
any meat to which everyone else rolled their eyes.
Ha. Classic Evanna.
More Epilogue
As it turned out Donald's injury was not as bad as his scream had indicated. So, the Lynch family
decided to go to a restaurant, and have something to eat. They went to a place with vegetarian options.
While Donald, Margaret, Marilyn, Laura, and Winston had what they called regular food, Evanna
chowed down on fried Tofu.
Anyone want some? said Evanna, sticking out a piece of tofu. It's not as gross as it seems.
No one wants your stinky tofu, said Laura.
It's not stinky, said Evanna. It's quite plain, actually, and it's in the shape of a cube. In nature
you don't see foods that come in cube shape, do you?

That would be rather unnatural, said Marilyn.

You know what's unnatural? said Winston. The amount of food I'm eating.
A growing boy needs his munchies, said Margaret.
One day you're going to grow up into a handsome man, said Donald, and you will use your
good looks to become a medical doctor.
A doctor? said Winston. Do I have to?
Donald shook his fist at Winston.
Easy now, said Margaret. Let's enjoy ourselves this evening, hm?
Evanna yawned.
Tired already? said Laura.
I didn't get much sleep last night, said Evanna. I got addicted to this Japanese video game,
where you're a magic pencil, and you have to draw yourself out of perilous situations. The problem is
you're a pencil, so the more you use your magic, the quicker you die. It's very difficult.
Interesting, said Marilyn.
Excuse me, Evanna yawned. I think I'm going to take a little nap. Does anyone mind?
No, said Winston. Go ahead.
So, Evanna folder her arms on the table in front of her, and she placed her head down to rest,
and she closed her eyes. But the moment she fell asleep, Kit Kat sprang into action, and bit her nose.
Evanna yelled, and woke up, wondering what was going on. She was so startled that she fell out her
chair.
Everyone had a good laugh. Except Evanna. Evanna, who was crying.
Fin
A List of Events That Happened after Evanna Fell out of Her Chair
- Evanna got tired of her family laughing at her shenanigans, so she tried committing suicide by
overdosing on Smarties. She got through twenty boxes, and then fell ill. The whole family felt awful
about it, and decided not to have a laugh at her expense. Consequently, Smarties were permanently
banned from the Lynch household.
- Donald thought that he should trying out being a woman, so he could better empathize with his wife,
and daughters. Accordingly, he told everyone to call him Donna Lynch, and he bought a hot pink wig to
wear over his normal hair. Luckily, this experiment only lasted for two weeks long.
- Margaret, using the money from her pie business, took the initiative to become a real estate investor.
She bought a second house to rent out, which turned out to be haunted by a ghost named Casper. But it
was not a huge deal as Margaret called up Father Morose, who used his priestly powers to banish the
ghost back to hell where it came from.
- Grandma Lynch appeared on the news for having discovering an ancient Egyptian tomb, which
explained the true meaning of life. When the public heard about this they were absolutely ecstatic, but
then upon learning the true meaning of life they decided that it wasn't for them.
- Marilyn found a four-leaf clover while walking around town. It brought her nothing but bad luck,
until she threw it away.
- Laura opened up a martial arts school. It was very profitable, but the local media blamed her for the
uptick in occurrences of men being kneed and/or kicked in the groin.

- Winston snuck into Buckingham Palace, and stole a tea cosy, which he later gave to Margaret as a
birthday present. However, when tea was served Winston was reminded of his criminal past. To
alleviate his guilt he went to church, and volunteered to proselytize heathens. After several months of
diligent work he managed to convert two people. One of them was a Jewish man, who decided he
would like to eat pork and lobster on a regular basis, and the other was a child that Winston bribed with
an ice cream cone, and a bottle of Cidona.
- Kit Kat went to Cat Town USA, and took over Emma Catson's position as Mayor. Kit Kat's first
political act was to legalize catnip. After addictions to catnap soared, and many cats become
unemployed, Kit Kat quickly vacated his role as Mayor, and left for Cat Island, where he believed he
could have a fresh new start.
- The goldfish was upgraded to a larger aquarium, after he became too large for his old home. Donald
and Margaret also decided to give him a name. His name became: Gold Fish.
***