INVISIBLE BOB

By

Tom Horan

Tom Horan
4807 N. Bell #2S
Chicago, IL 60625
thomashenning@gmail.com
925.768.4141
 Tom Horan
thomashenning@gmail.com
925.768.4141

Invisible Bob synopsis

Bob works for MultiNational SuperMega Corp. He has one day to get
married or lose his job. And without a job Bob is litterally disapearing. What
follows is a fast pased comedic journey through Quack Doctors, Bigamist
Bosses, Sniviling middle management and White Collar Burocracy; A nightmare
of the working world.
 Invisible Bob
A One Act Play
By Tom Horan

CHARACTERS
Bob- Our underdog Hero
Ed- Old Man in mail room
Nana- Bob’s grandma (played by Nurse Nan)
Mary- Bob’s long time girlfriend, works in the complaint department
Bill- A stuttering co-worker of Bill who becomes a Middle management wussy
Mr. Boss- cigar chomping CEO of Multinational Super Megacorp, (played by Ed)
Miss Understanding- Mr. Boss’ busty secretary.
Doctor Bungle- A Doctor lacking people skills
Nurse Nan- A Nurse (played by Miss Understanding)
Loudspeaker- Voice, (played by Mr. Boss)

SETTING

TIME
Unspecific. An alternate present that is fairly similar to the 1950’s.

PLACE
All action is contained on floors and rooms of the Main building of Multinational
Super Megacorp.
There are three hundred and thirty three floors on the building. Each floor has a
designated purpose. Each room is very similar to the next, virtually
indistinguishable except for number and purpose. Minimalist set.
The action takes place over the course of one day, a Monday.
SCENE ONE
SETTING: Basement 3. Mail room.
AT RISE: Bob is quickly sorting mail. Ed is slowly sorting mail. Bill seems to be
thoroughly examining a letter. They move from a pile on a table on one side the stage to
a stacks on another table on the other side of the stage.

BOB
It’s a good day.
A very fine, nice day, start of the workweek.
I like Mondays.
I always get the feeling of a clean start.

BILL
I-I-I have a bad feeling about today.
How come we haven’t had a morning announcement yet?

BOB
That’s not for a couple more minutes.

BILL
I don’t like it.
What are you two so-so happy for?

BOB
Ed retires today.

ED
I was supposed to retire after twenty-five years. Just before I hit the twenty five-year
mark, he raised the retirement to thirty, then before I hit thirty, he raises it to thirty- five. I
started working here on my eighteenth birthday. I’m supposed to retire next week after
one hundred and five loyal years. Today-

BILL
Shhh. It’s time.

LOUDSPEAKER
(Off Stage)
Attention faithful Multinational Super Megacorp employees. Today is Monday. A new
code has been approved by the Man himself. In section 23.21 of your employee
handbook there has been an addition. All Males over twenty-five must be married by the
end of the day. That is all. Have a nice day.

BOB
I will. Thank you.

LOUDSPEAKER
(Off Stage)
You’re welcome.

(All three look up, startled by the loudspeaker responding.)

 BILL
My god, Bob, did you hear?
They’re gonna f-f-fire us!
What are we going to do?!
We have to get married,
I mean, not “us” getting married-
but individually-
We have to-
I mean, nothing against you-
It’s just that we have to-
And I think from the Boss’s perspective-
They’re rather conservative don’t you think?

BOB
Calm down, it isn’t worth having a heart attack over.

BILL
I might as well have it now.
By the end of today we’ll all be having heart attacks.

BOB
All we have to is get married by the end of today.

BILL
That easy huh?

BOB
Not easy I suppose.

BILL
Do you know what they do to us?

BOB
What?

BILL
They bring us into the office.

BOB
The office?

BILL
Do you know the three reasons people go into the office.

BOB
To be hired, to be promoted-

BILL
And to be fired.

BOB
We won’t be fired.

BILL
Well we won’t be hired.
Only fired or promoted.
When’s the last time someone was promoted from the mail room?

BOB
We’ll think of something.
What do you think, Ed?
Ed?!

(as Bob and Bill argue. Ed climbs onto the table behind them and has thrown a noose
over poll and is attempting to hang himself.)

ED
Don’t try and stop me.

BILL
Every week.

BOB
Ed, think of all the things you have going for you.

ED
My knees, my back, my feet. My eyes, my ears, my hair. My body is decomposing as we
speak, the pain is only going to get worse and each day blurs into the next. I hate
working here. Other than that, not much.

BOB
If you get married…

ED
I was married once, I’m not going through that again!
Well, here goes nothing.

BOB
Wait!
Retirement.
You retire today.
You going to be okay.

BILL
But-but what about us.

BOB
What about us?

BILL
We’re still going to be f-f-fired.
 BOB
What are we going to do?

ED
What about that… Mary girl you talk so much about.
You’ve had that ring for months.

BOB
Marry Mary?
(takes ring out)
I want to but, How would I… How did you? Ask your wife, that is.

ED
I said, I have impregnated you, and now feel obligated to wed you.

BILL
How romantic.

BOB
But how am I supposed to ask Mary now?
She’ll think it’s because of the announcement.

BILL
At least you have someone.
What chance do I have?

(Ed, with sudden youthful, vigor grabs Bill)

ED
Lie. Lie deep as the rivers of the world.

BILL
O-O-okay

(A Whistle Blows)

BOB
Time to go visit Nana. Maybe I’ll ask her.

ED
Say hello for us.

BOB
Sure Ed.

BILL
And ask Mary if she has a friend…

BOB
Sure Bill.
END OF SCENE

SCENE TWO
SETTING: Floor fifty. Room 123. Nana’s hospital room.
AT RISE: Doctor Bungle enters, sees Bob and tries to exit.

BOB
Excuse me. Are you a Doctor?

DOCTOR BUNGLE
No.

BOB
But your name tag-

DOCTOR BUNGLE
Damn name tag always giving me away.

BOB
You are a doctor?

DOCTOR BUNGLE
Technically.

BOB
I was wondering if you could tell me which room my Grandmother is in. She’s covered
under the company health policy, and treated in the company facility here. And…She’s
normally here, in this room, but as you can see… Is everything alright?

DOCTOR BUNGLE
I’m fine.

BOB
With my Grandmother. She’s short. And old, but kind. She doesn’t remember very well.

DOCTOR BUNGLE
Ah. The one who was in this room.

BOB
That’s what I-

DOCTOR BUNGLE
Didn’t someone call you?

BOB
My phone has been disconnected.

DOCTOR BUNGLE
Let’s take a look at the chart. Ah. Yes. Here we are. Good.

BOB
Good?

DOCTOR BUNGLE
Apparently your employment is up for consideration.

BOB
But I am currently still employed here.

DOCTOR BUNGLE
But you aren’t married.

BOB
I am going to be.

DOCTOR BUNGLE
The company doesn’t want to take any chances.

BOB
Chances?

DOCTOR BUNGLE
That you won’t be able to pay.

BOB
I don’t understand.

DOCTOR BUNGLE
Listen, I’m not paid to explained things.

BOB
If you would be kind enough-

DOCTOR BUNGLE
I’m definitely not paid to be kind.

BOB
Please.

DOCTOR BUNGLE
I missed the day in med. school they taught people skills. I had the bubonic plague. Here
goes nothing. Knock- knock.

BOB
Who’s there?

DOCTOR BUNGLE
I.

BOB
I who?
 DOCTOR BUNGLE
I had to unplug your Grandmother.

BOB
What?

DOCTOR BUNGLE
She’ll be fine. Probably.

BOB
Probably?

DOCTOR BUNGLE
For a week or so.

BOB
What?

DOCTOR BUNGLE
She’s in the unplugged ward.

BOB
How could you?

DOCTOR BUNGLE
Just doing my job. Besides, I have a wife to think about.

BOB
If I get married you’ll plug her back in?

DOCTOR BUNGLE
I think I have a wife.

BOB
Will you?

DOCTOR BUNGLE
I think I have kids.

BOB
Will you?

DOCTOR BUNGLE
Indeed.

END OF SCENE

SCENE THREE
SETTING: Floor 333. Mr. Boss’ Office.
AT RISE: Mr. Boss dictating a letter to his secretary. Bill enters.
 MR. BOSS
Furthermore anymore further provocation will result in termination of your very way of
life-

BILL
Um, hello? You asked to see me, sir?

MR. BOSS
I’m just finishing up here. Sincerely P.T. Boss. P.S. Not a joke.

BILL
Very succinct sir.

MR. BOSS
That’s all. Come back after lunch for my blow job. Nice girl, eh?

BILL
Um.

MR. BOSS
Bill, Bill, Bill, may I call you Bill?

BILL
You can call be Bill if you want to.

MR. BOSS
I do. Bill, I have just received word from the powers that be.

BILL
The powers that be? I’ve always thought you were in charge.

MR. BOSS
Don’t be an idiot. I couldn’t run a corporation this big.

BILL
You’re not “the Man”?

MR. BOSS
Nooo. You see Bill, it’s a chain, not unlike the food chain, we go from plankton to
mollusks to little fish to medium fish, like you, to bigger fish, all the way up to sharks like
myself. And the Man… well, he’s like the water.

BILL
What is his name?

MR. BOSS
No one knows. I certainly don’t.

BILL
Are you going to f-f-fire me?
 MR. BOSS
Ah, good. A man of action. Exactly why I called you in here.

BILL
Why did you call me in here?

MR. BOSS
How’d you like to be a bigger fish?

BILL
Really? D’ya mean it?

MR. BOSS
I looked at your file.

BILL
You did?

MR. BOSS
It says you were called “Little Billy Stuttermouth” in school.

BILL
It says that.

MR. BOSS
It is your record.

BILL
Oh.

MR. BOSS
You’re a good married man, right?

BILL
Um…Yes.

MR. BOSS
We encourage that here. You want a cigar, have a cigar.

BILL
Thank you.

MR. BOSS
About your wife. She’s very beautiful. In fact the picture you supplied is a photograph out
of a magazine.

BILL
She’s, uh, a model.

MR. BOSS
Now one more thing before your promotion.
 MR. BOSS
Are you a Man of Action?

BILL
Sir?

MR. BOSS
This company only wants Men of Action.

BILL
What about women of Action?

MR. BOSS
Hmm. Yes. Yesss. You understand, you are a Man of Action.

BILL
Yes.

MR. BOSS
Do you know what a Man of Action does?

BILL
…No.

MR. BOSS
Miss Understanding.

MISS UNDERSTANDING
Yes?

MR. BOSS
No, not that yet. We need some help.

MISS UNDERSTANDING
Anything you want Mr. Boss.

MR. BOSS
Don’t you love her. We’re explaining what a Man of Action is. Please read from the
employee handbook section one point six.

MISS UNDERSTANDING
(reading)
Ahem. A man of Action is one who gets things done, who makes things move. He is
changing and a-

MR. BOSS
Adapting.

MISS UNDERSTANDING
-dapting. A Man of Action does, he does not think. He commands people and mountains.
 MR. BOSS
A Man of Action does what he wants when he wants.

MISS UNDERSTANDING
He is subject only to those above him.

MR. BOSS
He is the arms and legs of the Man himself.

MISS UNDERSTANDING
He is ceaseless in his effort. The world will watch a Man of Action.

MR. BOSS
A Man of Action has bionic sperm! He has a ten foot cock an fucks who he pleases!

MISS UNDERSTANDING
He is pure man.

MR. BOSS
Virile and God like.

MISS UNDERSTANDING
He knows no limits.

MR. BOSS
He is a Man of Action!

BILL
Th- That’s me alright.

MR. BOSS
I know you are not married.

BILL
What?

MR. BOSS
The picture is a fake.
I can fire you
Or you can fire everyone else.

(Mr. Boss holds out a stack of files. Bill painfully reaches for files.)

MR. BOSS
Congratulations on your new position.
BILL
(quietly)
Oh god.

END OF SCENE