MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE

MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE go hand in hand, but are not the same. Etiquette is a
set of rules dealing with exterior form. Manners are an expression of inner
character. According to Emily Post, perhaps the most influential American writer on
etiquette in the twentieth century, "manners are made up of trivialities of
deportment which can be easily learned if one does not happen to know them;
manner is personalitythe outward manifestation of one's innate character and
attitude toward life." Manners are common sense, a combination of generosity of
spirit and specific know-how. Rules of etiquette are the guiding codes that enable us
to practice manners.

Most commentators would agree with Emily Post and add that rather than being
stiff, rigid rules, proper etiquette is meant to help people get along with each other
and avoid conflict. Respect, kindness, and consideration form the basis of good
manners and good citizen-ship. Etiquette becomes the language of manners. Rules
of etiquette cover behavior in talking, acting, living, and moving; in other words,
every type of interaction and every situation.
History

Proper codes of behavior have been a concern for thousands of years. The first
known book on appropriate behavior was a guide that Ptah-hotep, a government
official in Egypt in 2500 b.c., wrote for his son. Several Greeks and Romans wrote

behavior guides, including Aristotle, Horace, Cicero, and Plutarch. In thirteenthcentury Europe, the chivalric code established precisely and minutely the proper
behavior for knights regarding the Christian church, their country, and the
treatment of women. During the reign of Louis XIV (16381715) in France, the term
"etiquette" came into use. Based on the French word "ticket," which denoted the
proper paths for nobility to follow in the gardens of the palace of Versailles, the rules
of etiquette came to provide a daily, very precise list of functions related to times,
places, and proper dress and behavior. Thus, proper etiquette came to be
associated with the upper classes and those trying to emulate their behavior.

Nevertheless, proper manners were a concern even of leaders in the more

democratic society of eighteenth-century America. At age fourteen, George
Washington transcribed his own "Rules of Civility." William Penn published
collections of maxims on personal and social conduct. Benjamin Franklin's very
popular Poor Richard's Almanac was full of comments on proper behavior. During
the nineteenth century, hundreds of books on etiquette were published in the
United States. These were designed for the common person and schoolchildren as
well as the upper classes. One of the most popular, which has survived to the
twenty-first century, is theYouth's Educator for Home and Society, published in
1896, which covered a wide variety of situations, including the usualparties,
traveling, weddings, parents and children, letter writing, and personal hygienebut
also, cycling.

As society has changed, so have rules for proper behavior. After World War I (1914
1918), society became more open as roles of women began to change. Many
believed that proper manners would become less important. In 1922, Emily Post
published the most popular book on etiquette for society, business, politics, and
home and family. Her book became the model for thousands of others since then.
The sixteenth edition of Etiquette was published in 1997. Instead of decrying the
lack of etiquette among Americans, Post applauded their youthful enthusiasm and
sought only to refine it. She claimed that improvements in taste in home decoration
were evidence of progress. She also pointed out other examples of improvements;
for instance, unlike earlier times, weddings no longer had to be set by noon for fear
that the bridegroom would no longer be sober after that hour.

There are still many writers on etiquette and manners. Some of the most popular
include Miss Manners, or Judith Martin, who presents her comments in several types
of media; Letitia Baldridge, who was particularly influential during the late 1900s;
Sue Fox, who joined the "dummies" series with her Etiquette for Dummies (1999);
and Emily Post's great granddaughter-in-law, Peggy Post.
The Present

Many manners commentators agree that although society and manners changed
before World War II (19391945), the changes since then have amounted to nearly a
revolution, and writers have created etiquette rules for the new situations. One way

to describe the difference is that rules of etiquette are no longer for how to behave
properly in a restricted society, but to provide knowledge of ways to put others at
ease. Few people now have to deal with servants, mansions, or elaborate
entertainment, but they still have to deal with difficult or unknown situations in
business or the community. American society has also become much less formal.
One simple yet indicative example of the change is the proper greeting. Instead of
the formal "How do you do," "hello" is now considered appropriate. Also, earlier it
was not considered proper for a girl or woman to walk alone. Etiquette delineated
when she should be accompanied by a woman her age, by an older woman, or by a
man. Today, the advice not to walk alone would be a safety concern.

Probably the greatest change since the 1960s has been in the relationship between
men and women toward greater equality. Lord Chesterfield once declared that no
provocation whatever could justify any man not being civil to any woman. "It was
due them and the only protection women had against a man's superior strength."
Men are no longer expected to protect women in every instance; rather, they are to
treat them equally and with the consideration due every person. However, as folk
singer Joan Baez is credited with saying, "If I have a baby in one arm and a guitar in
the other, I'm not going to say no to a man who offers to open the door for me."

There are etiquette books and Web sites for nearly every subject imaginable. The
arena of most concern appears to be the proper manners and etiquette for

weddings. A large bookstore may carry over 200 titles related to wedding planning,
the event, and the honeymoon. Other titles reflect changes in American society and
cover everything: singles in the city, all sports (not just cycling), proper computer
"netiquette" and use of cellphones, and multicultural situations. The coverage
demonstrates the changes in society but also demonstrates the continued concern
about how to behave appropriately. As many people believe, good manners may be
dead, but certainly the curiosity and concern about rules of etiquette are alive and
well.
BIBLIOGRAPHY

Baldridge, Letitia. Letitia Baldridge's Complete Guide to the NewManners for the
90s. New York: Rawson Associates, 1990.

Fox, Sue. Etiquette for Dummies. Indianapolis, Ind.: IDG Books, 1999.

Post, Emily. Etiquette. New York: Funk and Wagnalls, 1922.

Diane NagelPalmer

How table manners became polite

By Sharon J. Huntington NOVEMBER 28, 2000

Save for later
If you think sitting up straight and keeping your elbows off the table is a bother,
be grateful you weren't a child of America's early settlers. Back then, children
didn't even get to sit at the table. They stood behind the adults and ate
whatever was handed to them.
Later, children were allowed to sit at the table, but they couldn't speak unless an
adult spoke to them. They couldn't ask for a dish, either. They had to wait until a
grownup offered it to them. It was also considered rude to fidget, sing, or look at
someone else who was eating.
Table manners are even older than tables. About 9,000 years ago, people cooked
soups in pots. They dipped spoons of wood or bone into the cooking pot to eat.
The first rules about eating determined who could dip into the pot first. Today
some Inuit families in the Arctic still follow the tradition of eating from a
common pot. Men get to dip in first, then women and children. Sometimes they
don't use spoons. They just pick out pieces of meat with their fingers.
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Eating with the fingers is a common custom. For about a thousand years,
Romans and Greeks ate while lying on their sides on couches, with their heads
pointed toward the table. One hand propped them up, the other handled the

food. The Roman Empire finally fell in AD 476, and reclining dining customs
disappeared as well.

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Eating with the fingers never disappeared. Some Arab families still follow this
custom. They use only the first three fingers of the right hand. In northern India,
some diners use only the fingertips of the right hand, but in the south both
hands are OK. In fact, far more people eat with fingers or chopsticks than use
forks and spoons. But everyone has rules about eating politely.
Table manners became quite important in Europe in the 1100s. That's when
people developed the idea of courtesy - how to behave in court. Soon these
rules began appearing in written texts.
The rules about eating were meant to make the experience pleasant, thoughtful,
and tidy. Early texts instructed diners to keep their elbows down and not to

speak with their mouths full. Polite diners were not to pick their teeth with their
knives or be greedy.
In 1530, a Dutchman named Erasmus wrote a book on manners titled "On
Civility in Children." Erasmus told people not to blow their noses or spit at the
table, and never to put chewed bones back on their plates. (The polite thing
then was to throw bones on the floor. That gave the dogs something to eat.)
In those days, people didn't have regular dining tables. At mealtimes, boards
were laid across trestles and covered with cloth. (That's where "setting the
table" comes from.) At banquets, no individual plates were used, only large
serving platters. Two people shared each soup bowl and used squares of stale
bread as plates. The edible plates were called trenchers. After the meal, they
were given to the poor.
During the Crusades, between AD 1000 and 1300, even knights had to learn
manners. They were often paired with a lady at dinner, sharing food and
drinking glasses. Knights learned not to lick their fingers, but to wipe them on
the tablecloth. They were also told not to smack their lips, snort, or put their
faces in their food.
In the 1300s, the Renaissance arrived. So did the fork. And new table customs
evolved. People ate from plates, and everyone had his own cup. Fingers were to
be wiped on napkins, not tablecloths. Bones were not to be thrown on the floor,
but left on the plate. Manners kept moving toward cleanliness and order.
In 1669, King Louis XIV of France ordered that all table knives have rounded
ends. This made eating with knives a little less dangerous for the diner and

anyone with whom he or she might become angry. Louis XIV was the first person
in Europe to offer guests a place setting with forks, knives, and spoons.
Table manners continued to evolve. People debated how to eat peas. They were
difficult to spear with a fork and hard to balance on a knife. As more families
bought tableware, more guides were needed for how to use it. Some were
written especially for children. In "Goops and How To Be Them" (1900), Gelett
Burgess used horribly ill-mannered creatures called Goops as bad examples. He
wrote:
The Goops they lick their fingers,
And the Goops they lick their knives;
They spill their broth on the tablecloth Oh, they lead disgusting lives!
The Goops they talk while eating,
And loud and fast they chew;
And that is why I'm glad that I
Am not a Goop - are you?
You probably use many simple table manners without thinking. You probably say
"please" and "thank you," and ask for food to be passed to you, rather than
reaching over everyone for it.

Other rules come into play in more formal settings, like parties, where you're
supposed to use the right fork and dispose of olive pits properly. If you're ever a
guest somewhere and aren't sure you've got all the rules down, just watch the
host or hostess. Do what they do. Even if you use the wrong fork, you'll be
following the basic principle of table manners: Think about others and make
dining as pleasant as possible.